Dragon Ball Z Uncensored

[Roy]

All the cans are still there!

[ALDP]

This adds only very slightly to the indignity, but I like that there's a discount on Butter Kernel vegetables when you buy four cans.

[Fagzilla]

They can't just give them away, because then a precedent will be set!

But they want to, very badly. They want to give the tickets away.

[Fagzilla]

They probably don't even have a deal with Butter Kernel. Butter Kernel doesn't even know about this.

They just made that sign and put it in that store, and they have a guy that just gives you the tickets.

[Yogurtman]

Games 37, 38, and 39 - vs Boston Celtics 3/27, vs Chicago Bulls 3/30, vs Miami Heat 4/1

Eastern Conference contenders omni-post! I decided I should combine this into one post and compare the relative merits of these three teams, since there is a 90% chance one of them is winning the Eastern conference. Naturally, how they performed on one given night against the Wolves will strongly correlate to how they perform in the playoffs.

First off, the Celtics. The first thing to note about this game was that the arena was full and it was probably 2/3 Celtics fans. No other visiting team has had anything remotely like this showing, including the Lakers. Obviously this is because of KG, and the fact that 40% of Wolves fans just switched to being Celtics fans when he was traded. Rajon Rondo missed this game, but that was easily outweighed by Kevin Love sitting out with a strained groin. Behind what basically amounted to a home court advantage the Celtics jumped out to a 38-13 lead a minute or two into the second quarter. The Wolves played as bad a first quarter as I've seen all year; it really looked like they might lose by 60.

And then...improbably...the Wolves started coming back. It was actually bizarre to watch. Guys were flying around on defense! Darko was playing like a guy who is actually seven feet tall and tipping offensive rebounds to people (he did this like five times)! The Celtics stopped making any shots whatsoever! The Wolves managed to whittle it down to 13 by halftime, and in the last minute of the third they actually tied the game! THEY HAD THE LEAD WITH FOUR MINUTES TO GO! This after being down by 25 to one of the best teams in the NBA. It was as unTimberwolves-like as a game could be.

Then, with about three minutes to left, Paul Pierce played well for about one minute. He hit a couple shots, and that was it. Boston basically ran out the clock by getting about three straight offensive rebounds, and the Wolves aren't going to come back in the final seconds against a team that has Ray Allen shooting free throws. Still, I actually didn't even care that they lost this game. The mere fact that they managed to take the lead at all was absurd.

Celtics win 85-82.


Next up, Derek Rose and the Bulls. Love came back for Minnesota, while the Bulls were missing Joakim Noah. They didn't really miss him much, though. Rose came out hot and scored 13 in the first quarter on his way to a 23 point, 10 assist night in only three quarters of work. This game felt like it was over after about eight minutes. The Bulls just steadily increased their lead all night, and the Timberwolves never made any kind of run or even displayed any indication that they were in Chicago's league.

The highlight of the game consisted of Darko getting knocked down, refusing offers to be helped up, tucking into the fetal position, rocking back onto his head like he was going to do a backwards somersault, and then rocking forward to his feet in bizarrely slow motion. My description doesn't do it justice but this was legitimately hilarious. This was immediately followed by an absurd Carlos Boozer alley-oop, and as my friend who sat next to me said, "Between Darko's calisthenics and that dunk, that was an amazing minute and a half of my life". Darko really does enrich my daily existence.

Normally I try to describe the ebb and flow of these games, but this game had none, it was complete domination. Rose could do anything he wanted at anytime and no Wolves player could stop him. Literally the entire fourth quarter was garbage time. This led to the game's other highlight; as my friend (a Bulls fan) informed me as the quarter began, "C.J. Watson is an EPIC garbage time player". And he really is! He scored 13 points in the fourth on a variety of ludicrous shots, including a 3-pointer that he banked in with a hand in his face that actually caused me to laugh out loud. And he kept gunning until the final moments; even with his team up 20 in the last minute, dribbling out the clock was not considered.

The Bulls fans in attendance (not as numerous as the Celtics fans but still out in force) chanted for Brian Scalabrine for the entirety of the last six minutes of the game. I feel that this tells you all you need to know.

Bulls win 108-91; this is misleading. The game was not NEARLY that close.


Finally, the most hyped organization in the history of hype or organizations, the Miami Heat! I have to say, I was not impressed in the early going. Chris Bosh bricked two dunks in the first five minutes. Dwyane Wade attempted a three that got stuck between the backboard and the rim. LeBron committed a bunch of turnovers and looked extremely disinterested. It seemed like the Wolves might be able hang with them!

The Heat gradually started to pull away in the second, but the Wolves made a late run that culminated in one of the most entertaining sequences of the season. Le Bron stole the ball, dished to Wade, then cut to the hoop as Wade threw him an alley-oop. Anthony Tolliver jumped into LeBron, they both went flying back about ten feet, SOMEHOW THIS WAS NOT A FOUL, and then while LeBron sat on the floor in shock Wes Johnson raced down the court and got a ridiculous and-one layup. And now it was time for entertainment, because now Wade and LeBron were pissed. Wade threw down a ridiculous monster jam, Kevin Love responds, Ridnour hits a three, LeBron throws down a ridiculous monster jam. I don't think they allowed any other Heat player to touch the ball in the last two minutes of the half. And the best part of this was, the Wolves were hitting threes versus the Heat's dunks, so this actually resulted in the Wolves taking a one point halftime lead! I spent the entirety of halftime thinking about how much fun it would be to chant "Over-rated!" at the end of the game.

Then the second half started and the Heat went on a 25-1 run in the first five minutes. Yeah, that didn't last long. Dwyane Wade became the first player I have seen since Kevin Durant back in January to go into legitimate video game mode, where he could just take any shot he wanted and it didn't matter, there was no way anyone was stopping him. Of course, he got half his points on uncontested dunks because he is 300% faster than any Timberwolves player. He hit 30 points halfway through the third quarter.

Then Wade sat down, and the Wolves actually managed to come back and make things competitive! They never got closer than 11, but it was nice that they forced Miami to keep playing their starters and allowing me to witness a ridiculous assortment of reverse alley-oops and goofy ass streetball shit that LeBron and Wade came up with to entertain themselves. Wade finished with 32, Chris Bosh had 24 and 10, and even though I thought LeBron didn't play very well he had a 27-6-10 with three steals. He does that even when he doesn't play well! Meanwhile the rest of their team scored like 15 points total.

Heat win 111-92.

Despite the Heat actually winning by a larger margin, this game was by far closer than the game against the Bulls. Based on watching all three teams, I have to say that the Bulls top the Eastern Conference power rankings and it isn't close. The Celtics almost lost to the Wolves, the Heat had to try until there were about four minutes left; the Bulls rested their starters for an entire quarter. The Heat's highest gear was ridiculous and unstoppable, true, but they didn't sustain it and everyone on their team who isn't one of the Big 3 sucks shit. I mean, seriously, Luke Ridnour would definitely start for them, and if they had Darko they would probably consider starting him too! Mike Bibby is their starting point guard and he's shitty enough that he was still on the floor with 30 seconds left, alongside Joel Anthony and Dexter Fucking Pittman.

So, I would rank these teams 1) Bulls 2) Heat 3) Celtics, with the caveat that I think if the Celtics play the Heat in the playoffs they will win through some bullshit that makes no sense. Also, if the Celtics manage to beat the Bulls in the Eastern Conference Finals, the NBA should really just abolish their regular season because it will be obvious that it means nothing.

By the way, I didn't do this for the Western conference because let's face it, the Lakers are going back to the Finals unless somebody gets hurt.

[Yogurtman]

I skipped the last two games because, fuck. The Wolves finished on a 15 game losing streak with the worst record in the NBA. This seems like a logical year for them to finally luck out and get the #1 pick in the draft, because this draft by all accounts sucks ass.

The actual purpose of this post is to name the coveted Guys Who Fucking Own the Timberwolves All-NBA teams. This is based solely on my observations at Wolves games this season.

First team:
PG: Deron Williams
SG: Dwyane Wade
SF: Kevin Durant
PF: LaMarcus Aldridge
C: Samuel Dalembert (which is fucking ridiculous)

Second team:
PG: Derrick Rose
SG: Stephen Curry (whatever, SO MANY PG's destroy the Wolves I need to fill them in at the 2 as well)
SF: Dorell Wright
PF: Zach Randolph
C: Andrew Bynum

Third team:
PG: Chauncey Billups
SG: Wesley Matthews
SF: LeBron James
PF: Blake Griffin
C: DeAndre Jordan (man, centers who aren't Dwight Howard fucking suck)

Others receiving votes: Chris Paul, Dirk Nowitzki, Monta Ellis, J.R. Smith. I probably could have picked 8 point guards for this list.

League MVP: Kevin Durant

If your favorite star isn't on this list, it's because either I missed them in person (Dwight Howard, Rajon Rondo), they didn't really play well against the Wolves (Kobe, Pau Gasol, Paul Pierce), or they allowed Kevin Love to put up a 31-31 (Amare Stoudamire). Also, how bad are fucking centers in this league? The only one other than Howard who even made the All-Star game was Al Horford and I don't remember a single thing he did when the Hawks were in town.

Time for this thread to go on hiatus until Kurt Rambis gets fired next week.

[Mike Dunn]

I'm surprised you haven't been posting about the playoffs at all. I've been extremely impressed with Dirk Nowitzki, and I'm obviously ecstatic that the Lakers probably won't get that 3peat now. The Heat have been making the Celtics look like retarded babies. It seems like we can't defend against any of their starters without fouling the shit out of them. Who do you think's gonna take the championship? I figure it's gonna be the Heat but I'm hoping the Bulls will edge them out in the next round. I don't think anyone in the Western has a chance against either team.

[Yogurtman]

This is the thread for discussion of terrible basketball, the playoffs don't really enter into it.

That being said, the Heat appear to have gone into "Oh yeah, that's right, we have the two best players in the NBA" mode and might just roll. I don't want to make any PREDICTIONS with too much confidence, because Dwyane Wade taught me in 2006 that the way games are called has way too much influence. I will say that if the Heat get the refs on their side like they did that year there is a 100% chance they win the title.

[Mike Dunn]

I started watching OKC games because of this thread, and Kevin Durant has been routinely blowing my goddamn mind.

[8 bit orgy]

Can't handle the GRIZZ though.

[Yogurtman]

OKC-Memphis is officially ridiculous.

[Ryoko's Biatch]

<TL> Wow, this game will never fucking end.
<StephenHarper> Hahaha
<StephenHarper> This is nuts
<TL> Anyway, why the fuck isn't the ball in Kevin Durant's hands?
<TL> Why does Westbrook just dribble around for 20 seconds and then throw up a shitty shot?
<TL> Do they have an offense or do they just hang out and do whatever?
<StephenHarper> Yeah, their team has some weird issues
<TL> Man, that better be the end of the game.
<StephenHarper> Hmm
<StephenHarper> Memphis threw that game away
<StephenHarper> They should be up 3-1!
<TL> I don't know, OKC fucked up in both of the games they lost.
<StephenHarper> Memphis is really really good
<TL> They were winnable games, but then Russell Westbrook forgot it was a team sport.
<StephenHarper> They could easily make the finals
<TL> Yeah, Memphis is definitely good.
<TL> I think Dallas would beat them, though.
<TL> OKC's biggest problem is their offense is total shit.
<TL> Even though they have Kevin Durant, the best shooter in history.
<StephenHarper> Yeah, and WEstbrook is a top 10 player
<TL> Too bad he's not a point guard.
<TL> If they get a legit point guard and move Westbrook to shooting guard, they'll be a lot better.
<StephenHarper> Stop hatin' on Westbrook, yo!
<TL> It's annoying to watch him tard it up.
<TL> Especially because he's so good.

[8 bit orgy]

Zack Randolph has near Jordan-esk concentration. The way he constantly corrects and readjusts his position to make a quick lay up is unstoppable.

Also, Marc Gasol is really fucking good! And jesus, they're missing Gay, which was supposed to fucking ruin Memphis's season, remember?


Gravity should set in soon and OKC should finish them off.

[My Head Hurts 90]

Zack Randolph probably has the most ridiculous post game I've ever seen in a basketball game.

I'm not saying it's the greatest or anything like that, but I've never seen any player's repertoire consist entirely of shots that should never go in.

These were 2 times where I just shouted "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT" while watching

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h08di_yyifU#t=2m35s
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h08di_yyifU#t=3m57s


I thought those were just random lucky shots until I saw he has about 4 or 5 of those moments every game.

[Magic Juan]

Hahah, Tim Duncan.

[Bladtman]

so Yogurtman how do yall feel about getting fucked again in another obviously rigged feel good storyline NBA lottery?

[My Head Hurts 90]

Probably not too bad since this draft is megashit.

[Bladtman]

the wolves could always use another guard tho, Derrick Williams has a lot of potential too

better than still pinning all your hopes on that sorry ass euro Ricky Rubio

[Yogurtman]

Yeah, I have no expectations for anything good to happen at any time, so it's not really disappointing.

Besides, drafting Irving, then trading Rubio for jackshit would just be depressing. Now we can draft Williams and trade Beasley for jackshit.

[8 bit orgy]

Either Irving or Williams is a decent pick up. This lottery is so weak that 1st or 2nd is almost completely irrelevant in this case.


Wolves don't need a player with a 1st pick vibe with Kevin Love in the locker room.

And, uhm, Derrick Williams is amazingly fucking athletic beyond thunderdome. I don't fucking know why this is so underspoken. He's like jumping over everyone in college and doesn't break a sweat (really). I've seen him sweat ONCE.