Dragon Ball Z Uncensored

[Action Hank]

(continued from part one)
--------------------------------

"That's absolutely out of the picture," Dr. Hyman Hyman, Director of the Museum of the Holy Land says. "You aren't qualified to examine such important relics."

TEAM ILLUSIONIST, composed of The ILLUSIONIST, JAZZ FANTASTIC, Kimchi, Max Powers, and the Hypnotits, have spent the last few days in Jew York City, and have met with Dr. Hyman at the Goldman Deli (FTUW's official restaurant of Jew York City). The ILLUSIONIST takes a bite out of his Saketumi Sandwich (fatty tuna with a nice wasabi-cucumber sauce).

"Bah we haff ta---" bit of sandwich sprinkle out of his mouth before he chokes a bit. Kimchi pats him on the back and Vic swallows. "But we have see the sarcophagus---"

"What my brother is saying, Dr. Hyman," Maxwell Powers interrupts, "Is that Baron Von Toity is very interested in antiquities, and is very interested in purchasing some artifacts for his new Museum of Wrestling in Branson."

"But the sarcophagus of Raman-Ah has nothing to do with wrestling." Dr. Hyman says as he picks at his Hard'Rok Hamburger. Suddenly he finds a soft hand placed over his.

Hypnotits only smiles and that's all that's needed to change Dr. Hyman's mind.

They arrive at the museum a few minutes later. It is late in the evening, so it has been closed to the public. Dr. Hyman Hyman flashes his badge to the guards and leads TEAM ILLUSIONIST into the museum. They wander down the marble hallways past exhibits until they arrive at the exhibit on Egypt.

"We're very close now, Vic. I can sense it," Imhotep says.

There, in the far corner behind its glass case, sits a golden sarcophagus. There are several other relics mounted around it: a golden staff, several clay jars, and a jeweled headdress.

"Here lays the remains of one of the greatest discoveries and mysterious from the ancient world. Lex Dangerseeker discovered the tomb of Raman-Ah during The Adventures of the Curse of the Mummy's Ghost. Oddly enough, when he opened the sarcophagus, he found nothing inside but that clay jar."

"We have to get closer to it, Vic. We need to get into that case. There's a simple trick I can show you. A more advanced form of the sleight of hand---however, we'll need the help of the woman."

"Distract him," Vic whispers into the ear of the Hypnotits nervously. His dick gets a little hard from being so close to her. She nods.

"Dr. Hyman. This is all very interesting," she rubs her finger along the fat Director's chest. He's enthralled. "Please, what is that?" She points to a no-smoking sign at the other end of the room.

"Why, that's an important sign that helps us protect these antiquities," he wanders over to the sign with the Hypnotits.

"She's just showing off," Kimchi says, and scratches his face.

The ILLUSIONIST steps up to the case containing the sarcophagus and looks over the glass carefully. Then, listening to the instructions from Imhotep, he moves his body rapidly and appears to travel through the glass and into the display. He reaches out to touch the sarcophagus when he trips one of the alarms. Dr. Hyman is instantly woken from his trance. He turns and sees the ILLUSIONIST within the case, his hands on the golden sarcophagus.

"What! What's going on!" he shouts.

Hypnotits throws a spinning kick and knocks the director into the wall.

"We have to work fast," Maxwell says. "The guards will be here any moment. And we don't want to deal with Jew York's...guards."

The ground begins to shake.

"Guards?" Kimchi asks, and lowers his hands to a dagger. "What---"

There is the sound of something large stepping outside the room followed by the flash of blue metal, brown stone, and a glowing red eye.

"They're here!" Maxwell shouts. "HURRY VIC!"

Vic ducks behind the sarcophagus as Imhotep guides him. There, amid the carving and the inlays of jewels and stones is the hieroglyph of a rabbit sitting in a pharaoh's crown. Vic presses the ears of the rabbit and a secret compartment opens in the back of the sarcophagus.

At that moment the first 'guard' bows into the room. At first it appears to be a large robotic man. But when it shouts at TEAM ILLUSIONIST, it is clearly the voice of a human.

"Golems," Max says under his breath. "We gotta get out of here, fast."

[Action Hank]

Vic sticks his hands into the compartment and there he feels a series of small levers and switches. Fumbling, he tries the best he can to follow Imhotep's instructions and unlock the sarcophagus.

"VIC!" Maxwell shouts. "LET'S GET GOING!"

"What is that?" Kimchi shouts, and throws a knife at the Golem. The knife simply bounces off its metal and stone body.

"A Golem," Max says. "Guardian Official Law Enforcement Machine. The Jew security force. Robots with human brains. The Jews found that their bodies were too weak, so they built these monsters and put their brains into them! We're screwed!"

The Golem steps forward, it makes all sort of Robocop-like noises and whirls and clicks as it does. Pneumatic pistons release steam at its joints. It raises one of its arms and points a Rail gun directly at Kimchi.

"CEASE AND DESIST. RESISTANCE WILL BE MET WITH DEADLY FORCE. YOU ARE UNDER ARREST."

Kimchi steps back and suddenly feels the urge to wet himself. However, before he can, JAZZ steps forward. A black saxophone is in his hands. He places STELLA BY STARLIGHT in his lips and blows out Giant Steps.

The Golem struggles as massive amounts of pressure are applied to its body. It manages to fire a few rounds from its Rail Gun, but the pressure of Giant Steps sends the attacks all over the room, shattering glass, smashing up ancient relics.

JAZZ switches to A Train and the Golem is knocked across the room and through the wall.

Meanwhile, Vic has finally clicked the last of the locks and the sarcophagus begins to shake and whir to life. He steps back as it begins to transform---folding and unfolding gold plates come apart and connect as the 4,000 year-old contraption springs to life.

"I am pretty good," Imhotep says. "It still works, even after all this time. Ah its done."

"It looks like another coffin," Vic says.

Because it basically just transformed into another sarcophagus.

"Just open it."

Vic pulls a crowbar out of his mouth and pries the box open. Inside is a roll of parchment and an amulet. He grabs both, greedily and begins to open the parchment.

"Not now!" Imhotep hisses. "It isn't safe. We have to get out of here."

A second and third Golem have entered the room, guns at full blast. TEAM ILLUSIONIST flip and jump out of the way of the blasts. One shoots right through the glass case and skims the top of Vic's hat.

"HEY!" the ILLUSIONIST shouts and leaps onto the floor and stuffs the parchment and amulet into his coat. He raises a fist into the air. "MY HAT!"

The two Golems turn their guns directly at Vic, who slowly lowers his fist. His lips quiver.

"Ugh....oh shit."

[Action Hank]

"INTRUDER. GOYEM DETECTED. RISK OF LAWSUIT...CALCULATING...CALCULATING...16% CHANCE OF LAWSUIT. PERMISSION TO USE DEADLY FORCE AUTHORIZED!"

WHIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRR

The Golems raise their arms, each with six-barreled coil gun that start rotating wildly before firing their magnetically powered iron projectiles faster than the speed of sound. Each time one fires, it gives off a greenish glow and the sound of something slipping through a wet tube.

The Golems target well, and without the pressure of GIANT STEPS pressing down of their frames, they don't blindly fire at artifacts. They fire at THE ILLUSIONIST, who has gotten their attention coming out of the shattered case.

Vic's body flied through the air, thousands of projectiles punching him like Swiss cheese.

"MASTER!" Kimchi shouts, and tries to leap to Vic's aid, but is held back by Maxwell.

JAZZ doesn't even flinch. His fingers explode wildly across the body of STELLA---

GOODBYE PORK PIE HAT!!!!!!

One of the Golem's heads explodes right off. The machine falls backward, guns smoking from the intense heat they've generated.

"UNAUTHORIZED NON-KLESMER MUSIC! VIOLATION! VIOLATION!"

The Golem stops speaking and begins vibrating. Then it stops, turns the gun straight at JAZZ and fires---a bunch of WHITE HANDKERCHIEFS! They pile up on the ground in front of the surprised Golem and THE ILLUSIONIST BURSTS OUT OF THE HANDKERCHIEFS NAKED!!! ALL HE HAS ON IS HIS TOP HAT!!

"MASTER!" Kimchi shouts, tears streaming down his face in a comical anime way. "But...but..."

"Don't remind me," Hypnotits says, shielding her eyes from Vic's pimply and hairy ass.

Kimchi looks over at what he thought was Vic's bullet-ridden body, and sees that its only THE ILLUSIONIST'S CLOTHING!

"ALERT! ALERT!" The Golem shouts. "UNCIRCUMSIZED GOYEM! SOLUTION...?"

The useless coil guns detach from the Golem's arms, revealing a set of spinning chrome-covered mini-surgical chainsaws.

"ENTERING MOYEL MODE!"

"Ah!" Vic shrieks like a woman and grabbing his dick, runs away from the incoming blades.

Meanwhile, two more Golems have arrived at the door. JAZZ steps in front of them while Maxwell darts around him to the side.

"I'll see if I can find someway of deactivating them!" Maxwell shouts. "Distract them and I'll get in close. Kimchi! Help Vic!"

Kimchi leaps onto the back of the chainsaw-wielding Golem and starts stabbing it with one of his knives.

JAZZ suddenly strokes his chin and starts chuckling.

"Aw, why didn't I think of this before?"

ISRAEL!

The Golems stop their attacks and stand stoically as their brains are reminded of their lost Jewish state. So overcome with emotion and sadness at the fate of their people, they lose all fighting spirit. And just in time---the Golem's outstretched chainsaw arms were inches away from the cornered Vic.

Kimchi keeps stabbing away despite their victory.

Maxwell smashes open a case containing some mannequins dressed in reproductions of ancient Egyptian clothing and tosses a tunic to his brother.

"I sort of like it this way," Vic says, smiling. "I feel so free and---and so natural!"

"I'll free you of something if you don't put that on!" Hypnotits shouts. "And it won't be very natural."

Reluctantly, Vic puts on the tunic, then TEAM ILLUSIONIST gets the fuck out of the museum with JAZZ playing ISRAEL the entire way out. They don't relax until they get to the entrance hall. The lights are off, and in the moon light, everything looks draped in shadows.

"Did you get what you wanted? Was it worth that mess?" Maxwell asks as they reach the front door.

"Yeah. We have it---"

"Excellent. Excellent, excellent, excellent," a raspy old voice says, echoing through the hall. There is a WOOSH and a large cloud of purple glowing smoke appears in the center of the room. The smoke parts and Mr. Sinistar is sitting in a leather chair, the Rapist Escapist to his left, and an imposing looking black man wearing a mask to his right. A knife lands in the ground in front of Vic, who looks up to see The Knife-Throwing Knight standing at the top point of an obelisk and across from him the Castrati Contortionist is wrapping his/herself around a suit of armor. "Now it is time, Mr. Powers, to give it to me."

[Action Hank]

The members of TEAM ILLUSIONIST make all sorts of choking/surprised sounds---from being surprised by Mr. Sinistar and the Sinistars! Quickly, the Hypnotits jumps into the air and lands by the Rapist Escapist. He scowls at her.

"Shiit," JAZZ says, and lights up a cigarette. "Damn bitches."

"I'll talk to you later, Femme," The Rapist Escapist says, not looking at her.

"I was fooled, Mr Powers," Mr. Sinistar says. "I thought the summoning spell had failed. But it seems that I it was successful, after all." He begins to cackle. "And so now, you will give him to me. You will give me Imhotep!"

"Whh---how----" Vic stutters.

"Can I kill him, now?" The Rapist Escapist says, and cracks his knuckles. "I want the pleasure. He killed my old teacher."

'Patience. First we must extract Imhotep, then you can kill the worthless hack."

"WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM!" Vic shouts, surprising everyone. He stands tall in his Egyptian getup (plus top hat---within the items from the sarcophagus have been relocated). He points right at Mr. Sinistar.

Mr. Sinistar is astonished. He cackles again in amusement.

"Please, Mr. Powers. You've gotten by with luck and the help of Imhotep. Alone, you are nothing but a pathetic loser. You couldn't perform even a simple card trick."

Vic's face turns red---WITH ANGER. He keeps pointing at Mr. Sinistar. His mustache almost look real, and he barely gives off the odor of dried urine.

"I AM THE FTUW HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF THE WORLD! I AM THE ILLUSIONIST! MY ABILITIES ARE UNMATCHED!"

Mr. Sinistar laughs even harder. The rest of the Sinistars start laughing too. So does TEAM ILLUSIONIST.

"Be weary, Victor," Imhotep says to the ILLUSIONIST. "This man has immense powers. I can sense them. You cannot defeat him just yet. You need to learn what's on that papyrus."

"Then we stall him," Vic says to himself quietly. "But how?"

An idea comes to him. Yes, a rare idea comes to Vic, that comes up with all on his own! He snaps to get JAZZ's attention.

"Give me some JUJU."

JAZZ smiles.

[Action Hank]

JAZZ puts STELLA to his lips and turns backwards to his opponents. As he starts to play, Maxwell and Kimchi line up with him, also their backs to the Sinistars.

"Wha?" Mr. Sinistar says, his eyebrow raises.

Maxwell, Kimchi, and JAZZ start to sway back and forth. JAZZ FANTASTIC plays the first notes of JUJU.

Victor Powers, Jr, THE ILLUSIONIST, steps in front of them as they turn to face the Sinistars. Kimchi and Maxwell raise their arms and let them sway in the air.

"There's nothing up this sleeve, nor this," Vic says. "Of course, I don't have any sleeves. But still, my arms are bare."

"What foolishness is this?" Mr. Sinistar says. "Stop them! Stop them!"

The Knife-Throwing Knight throws a barrage of knives as the contortionist leaps into the air, spins, and crawls on his/her back towards TEAM ILLUSIONIST. The Rapist Escapist extends his arms and shoots out chains. The large black man does not move, nor does the Hypnotits.

As the knives, chains, and she/he close in on Vic, he stands tall, though his knees wobble a bit. Then he closes his eyes and lets the music and spirit from his teammates enter him.

"I can do this, I can do this, I can do this..."

Knives slice through their bodies. Chains wrap around bind them up and raping them. The Contortionist leaps from JAZZ to Maxwell to Kimchi, snapping their necks with his/her legs. VIC now stands alone in silence, his eyes still close.

"Let's end this," Mr. Sinistar says, stepping forward, leaning on his cane as he does.

Vic's eyes suddenly flash open!

"AWESOME!" he shouts, and the wrapped, mutilated bodies explode into thousands and thousands of doves. The Sinistars duck and cover from the tremendous number of birds.

"NO!!!!!!!" Mr. Sinistar shouts. The ILLUSIONIST is gone, along with the rest of his team. A drop of bird shit falls towards his eyes, but the large black man reaches out with incredible speed and slaps it right back up at the bird. The shit travels through the dove's ass and tears its body up before also taking out a dozen or so more birds.

[Action Hank]

TEAM ILLUSIONIST runs down an alleyway outside of the museum.

"We should get the hell out of here," Maxwell says, looking to see if they were followed.

"Why? We can take them on," Vic says in his Egyptian getup. "I am the FTUW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION! They can't take out a guy like---"

"Vic, did you see that black guy?" Maxwell interrupts him and grabs his arm.

"Yeah."

"That's the Gentleman Voodoo. GENTLEMAN VOODOO! He's on a whole different level. They say he's even more powerful than the old man. He killed everyone in Jamaica and then turned them into zombies. He only works for Sinistar to fulfill some sort of blood oath."

"Then JAZZ can take him out with his music!"

"See, cat," JAZZ says, placing STELLA back into its black leather studded case. "That won't work. Gentleman Voodoo is deaf."

"Paw-shaw. I'm not afraid," Vic says, though his knees wobble in fear. "But maybe it's better we get out of here."

"We can't, Victor," Imhotep says. "We have to go back. We need the woman."

"WHAT?! She's here..."

THE ILLUSIONIST looks around. The Hypnotits is nowhere to be seen.

"Where's the Hypnotits?"

"Femme's gone," JAZZ says, lighting up a cigarette. "That bird ain't nothing but a god damned chicken bitch. She go where things best for her, no matter who it hurts."

"We have to go back. We have to get her. We cannot perform THE TRICK without her."

Vic shakes his head.

"We can't. We'll have to put it off."

"Victor, time is running out. If we do not perform the trick by the next full moon, then---then we can't do it at all."

"Whatever. We don't have to do it."

"NO!" Imhotep shouts into the very core of Vic's brain, and the ILLUSIONIST looses his footing and falls. Kimchi rushes to his side, a look of concern on his face.

"Master, master. What's wrong, master?"

"IF YOU WILL NOT DO IT, THEN I SHALL HAVE TO DO IT MYSELF!"

[Mautty]

You know with out me you have no one to challenge you. YOU SEE ANY ONE ELSE WRITEING SHIT. You have the FTUW by the balls Ace.

[Magic Juan]

As soon as Vinny posts the new card I start posting my backlogs of promos.

[Mautty]

Like axlerod has any chance at lance burton over here.

[Action Hank]

I'm just getting warmed up. I am only at where I wanted to be before the last PPV.


So after a brief recap, we plunge into the heart of the cards!

[Action Hank]

A brief recap, because the next part will be important, and if people haven't be reading up to now, they just read this and move on to the good stuff.

RECAP:

Some time ago, THE ILLUSIONIST decided to bring his team all to Jew York City in search of a magical relic that Imhotep (the ancient Egyptian spirit currently residing within Vic who acts as his mentor) has told Vic about---the trick behind the ULTIMATE ILLUSION. Vic, lacking complete confidence in his abilities, and finding himself as the FTUW World Champion, will do anything to keep what he's won.

TEAM ILLUSIONIST goes to Jew York City, and using their various skills, succeeds in breaking into the Museum of the Holy Lands. While Vic retrieves the relics (and makes a costume change into ancient Egyptian garb), the rest of the team battles with the GOLEMS, the cyborg sentries that guard Jew York. However, as they escape, they are ambushed by the REVIVED SINISTARS!!! Vic barely gets them out in time, while the Hypnotits (being a woman) switches sides yet again---to Imhotep's chagrin, as he claims he needs her to pull off the ULTIMATE ILLUSION.

Now, we join our heroes as IMHOTEP HAS TAKEN CONTROL OF VIC IN A FIT OF RAGE......

[Action Hank]

PART TWO: ULTIMATE MAGIC reborn!!!!
-------------------------------------------------

"Stop," the Illusionist says, standing upright and tall and turning back towards the museum. "We are going back."

"Are you crazy!" Maxwell shouts, tossing his hands up into the air. "We barely got out of there alive, in the first place."

"Tut, tut," the Illusionist says, there is a strange glow to his eyes. "Then don't come. I don't need your help."

"Master!" Kimchi says, surprised. "I'll help you."

"Tut, tut," the Illusionist says. "You will only get in the way. I will do this alone. It will not take long."

Kimchi stands frozen and shocked by his master's words, a knife falls from his hands. But no, it isn't shock that has frozen him after all. He finds that his body is tied up in invisible string.

"Cat---" JAZZ starts to speak, also tied up, but the Illusionist walks out of the alley and into the main street. "This ain't cool, cat."

"So---so fast!" Maxwell says, struggling against the strings. "And when did he start speaking in a strange accent?"

The Illusionist looks around for a moment, getting his barrings set. A building with a dozen white pillars stands to the right, and that is where he walks. He takes off his hat and places it on the ground. Then he walks towards the Museum.

"We are only moments away. Then---then at long last, it will be time," he says to himself.

Several black cars are parked in front of the building, in which the Sinistars are walking towards. They are covered in bird shit and feathers.

"How could we lose them?" Mr. Sinistar shouts in his raspy voice. "That hack!"

"I should have just let him into the FUCKING GUILD in the first place, and then we'd never have had this mess! But now, spread the word. I want everyone on this. I don't even care if you take him dead or alive anymore."

The Hypnotits is dragged towards the car by the Rapist Escapist. The two are shouting at each other, but it is inaudible over Sinistar's ranting.

"Tut, tut," the Illusionist says, stepping out of the shadows. He is dressed in the robes of an ancient Egyptian, with cloth sandals. He runs his hand over his ear and pulls a large wooden staff out from behind it. "That woman is going nowhere. She comes with me."

Before anyone can react, the Illusionist tosses the staff into the air---

[Action Hank]

"What the hell!" the Hypnotits is shouting. She is tied up to one of the pillars. Her body is stained red and her clothing drip with blood. "What the hell!"

The Illusionist quietly meditates over the hat. Then he dips his hand in and pulls out the medallion. He walks over to the screaming Hypnotits and places the amulet around her neck.

"What are you doing? What the hell did you do to them?" She shouts.

Tied to the other pillars are the bloodied bodies of the Sinistars. All but Sinistar are dead. Three more bodies are tied up to pillars, yet they still live.

"Sacrifices were needed. This isn't about simple misdirection," the Illusionist says coldly.

"What are you talking about? What did you do to your friends?"

"Shhh," the Illusionist says, and pulls the parchment out of the hat. He unrolls it and a strange black mist rises from it. "They should be honored, as should you. It is not often that one witnesses the ULTIMATE MAGIC TRICK."

Kimchi, Max Powers, and JAZZ FANTASTIC, tied to their pillars, find themselves frozen and can only watch with trembling eyes.

"IMHOTEP!" Sinistar shouts from his pillar. His face is bloody and his body is broken. "I know this is you! That pathetic hack couldn't have done what you did back there!"

The Illusionist says nothing. He looks over the parchment again, then up at the sky.

"That was a good trick," Sinistar says, coughing blood. "Making us think that the staff was the misdirection---"

"It was. And so was I. You never looked down. If you had noticed, I am wearing sandals."

"Genius. Genius," Sinistar says, spitting. "You used your toes. We were too busy looking at your hands that we didn't see the toes."

The Illusionist pulls at something and then a large golden rod drops from the moon and embeds into the earth in front of them.

"The last piece of the puzzle," he says. He taps the tops of the rod twice with the parchment. "Four sacrifices each for one thousand years."

Red bolts of light shoot out of the rod and hit the bodies of the Knife-Throwing Knight, The Castrati Contortionist, the Rapist Escapist, and Gentleman Voodoo. They melt into a yellow-red liquid link in Raider's of the Lost Ark. The liquid pools around the feet of the Hypnotits, who is screaming her lungs out.

He taps the parchment on top of the rod again. It combusts into a purple fire that releases a high-pitched tone that causes blood to drip out of the ears TEAM ILLUSIONIST, Mr. Sinistar, and the Hypnotits. Then a golden beam of light shoots out and hits the amulet.

"Now, the final three sacrifices---the blood of the enemy!" the Illusionist walks over to Mr. Sinistar and shoves his fist right down his mouth and pulls out a sword that also cuts his body in two at the same time.

"The blood of the the friend." He walks over to Kimchi, and plunges the sword right into the hispanic/asian man's heart. He watches as Kimchi's terrified and confused eyes glaze over.

At last he walks over to Maxwell Powers.

"And the blood of the famliy." He shoves the sword right into Maxwell's mustache.

Then, the Illusionist walks over to the golden rod shoves the bloodied sword right down into it.

"Now, my dear," he walks over to the Hypnotits. "The ULTIMATE ILLUSION. The RESTORATION OF LIFE AND THE SOUL!" He grabs her and kisses her passionately.

The sky has by now clouded over and streaks of lightning fall around the city. One strikes the hilt of the sword and travels down through the rod, and it shoots a beam of green light at the Hypnotits and the Illusionist.

...

[Action Hank]

JAZZ FANTASTIC finds that he can move again, though he is tied to the pillar. He frantically looks around and sees the limp body of Maxwell and Kimchi to his left and right. In front of them stands the Illusionist and Hypnotits. But there is something very different about them. The Illusionist now has a long goatee to match a real, though thin, mustache. The Hypnotits now has black hair and is staring wildly into the Illusionist's eyes.

"At long last, my love, we are together again," the Illusionist, Imhotep, says. "My Nefertitty, you live and breathe again."

"There was so much darkness. But now, now everything is right again."

"No, it isn't right just yet," Imhotep says. "This world is a vile and wild place. Armies of violent monsters roam the lands, while powerful warlords tear across the earth, raping and pillaging in their blood-lust to kill each other."

"What can we do?"

"We can reshape this world. We shall start here. Long ago, we enslaved the ancestors of these vile big-nosed cretins. The golden age will begin here, and then, it will spread. EGYPT SHALL RISE AGAIN!"

Imhotep pulls the rod out of the earth and walks up to Sinistar. He taps his forehead and Sinistar's eyes turn white and his body shakes to life. He does the same to Kimchi and Maxwell. "Horus, Set, and Anubis. Imbue these bodies with your essence!" The three bodies burst free from their columns and then transform.

Kimchi's body turns black and lanky, and his face turns into that of a dog. He is now Anubis. The guardian of the dead---in this case, Imhotep's personal guard. He is enveloped by shadows.

Maxwell's's nose lengthens and his ears shoot out. His body turns golden. He is now Set, the god of the desert and sands.

Sinistar's face transforms into a falcon's face. One eye glows like the sun, the other like the moon, and his body grows youthful and strong. He is now Horus, god of the sky.

"Now, guardian gods, we shall first enslave the people of Jew York City, and then, the world. But first," the Illusionist turns towards JAZZ. "What to do about you?"

"Kill me," JAZZ says. "Or else I'm gonna hunt you down and kill you for what you've done."

Imhotep smiles.

"We shall leave him for the crows."

JAZZ spits. "What happened to Vic?"

"Victor? You are looking at him."

"You ain't Vic. You just some sucka."

"JAZZ, I am Victor. I am everything that he ever wanted to be, but couldn't. I am his untapped potential. The ILLUSION wouldn't have succeeded if he didn't want it to succeed. So, we, Victor Powers, Jr., and I, are now one and the same. We are the Illusionist."

"I don't believe it."

Imhotep steps over to the black top hat, and pulls it inside out and it turns into an Egyptian crown. He digs his hand into it one more time and pulls out a giant golden chariot, before placing the hat on his head. The ground shakes as two red horses made of fire rise up and take reign.

Then the five ride down the street and towards city hall.

JAZZ shouts after them, and notices something on Imhotep's back. A tattoo. A strange tattoo---of two men. One man is powerbombing the other, breaking his neck in the process. A shudder of fear passes over his body, as does the certainty that he would stop the Illusionist.

[Action Hank]

-Father...

...

-Father...

A balding man dressed in a wife-beater, suspenders, and a pair of stained dress pants is hunched over an open briefcase. He is doing all sorts of shit with a screwdriver to install some sort of device into the briefcase.

-Father...

The balding man looks up and wipes his thick mustache with a hairy wrist. His eyes glint with schemes, but also a general indifference to his son. He looks back down and continues screwing.

-Father...

The man closes the briefcase. He checks the locks a few times, then grabs a hat and a dusty jacket from a coat rack.

-Mind yourself, Jr.

-Father...

-Max and I have some work to do. Why don't you help your mother? You like that, right?

-Father...

The man opens a door and disappears.

The boy---not a boy at all but a 20-year-old man---sighs. He places the deck of cards on the table and walks away. The deck falls over and the cards spill out on the floor. On the top of the pile is the suicide king---who seems to blink.

------------------------

A golden throne is assembled in the center of city hall, with a vast golden carpet extending down the marble facade and to the three-story glass doors that look out onto the city. To its left side sits a smaller throne covered in rubies and emeralds. A tanned man with a thin handle-bar mustache and a pointy beard sits on the throne. He is dressed in silk robes and carries a large golden rod. A woman with black hair also dressed in fine silks sits in the smaller throne. Around them stand three men with animal faces.

The Illusionist stands from his throne and looks out at the throng of people gathered in front of the open glass doors. Golems stand guard all around, bewitched by the Illusionist---who's first act against the city had been to take control of the security.

Already there are signs of new construction with large obelisks covered in scaffolding down the main avenue.

"Hebrews," he says, and his voice booms. "The GOLDEN AGE has returned. I, your great PHARAOH, IMHOTEP the ILLUSIONIST, am not a cruel ruler..." his lip curls into a snarl. "And in thanks for your obedience, you shall construct a great ARENA."

There is a murmur among the crowd.

"A GREAT ARENA---THE PYRAMID OF ILLUSIONS! An FTUW-sanctioned---"

The crowd begins to cheer.

"FTUW-sanctioned home for your CHAMPION to perform within!"

"My dear," Nefertitty says as the crowd cheers, suddenly not caring that they are slaves. "You wish to perform for these wretches?"

Imhotep ponders this question for a moment.

"Tut, tut. I---I feel compelled to do so. It has always been my passion."

"Mmmm," she says.

"YOU HAVE ONE WEEK TO COMPLETE THE ARENA!"

The audience begins to groan, because Jews are not a hardy people who enjoy building but instead like to lay around smelling their money. Imhotep clenches his fist and some of the Golems open fire. This quiets the crowd.

"ONE WEEK, AND YOU SHALL WITNESS A FINE PERFORMANCE!"

The audience claps, and then cheers, partly out of fear of the Golems. Partly out of real joy to see FTUW-like entertainment.

"This should be fun!"

"Yes, Victor. It should..." Imhotep's mouth drops. "Victor?"

"Hi."

[Action Hank]

So, within two weeks, the nation once known as Jew York is transformed. Despite the cold weather of what was once Upstate New York, the Jewish slaves are forced to dress in tunics and loin cloths. A grand canal is dug down to the Hudson River, which has been renamed the Neo Nile, while Jew York City is renamed as Heliopolis II. Thousands of slaves die in the process, and their bodies are used to line the foundation of the levees.

Parts of the Adirondacks have been blown to sand and spread all around the city to make it seem like they are in a desert environment, and to counter the slaves complaints about the cold, a giant blazing ball of fire hangs over to the city, heating it to a stifling 110 degrees Fahrenheit. Patrols of GOLEMS keep the slave population in check.

The central avenue of the city is now lined with gold and statues of Imhotep and Nefertitty stare down at hydrogen-cell powered rocket chariots that race by. The Museum of the Holy Land, with its grand classical facade, has been gutted and refurbished as the Royal Palace. Across the street is City Hall, now the capital of the 31st Dynasty of New Egypt.

In the heart of the palace, several slave girls are sitting around Imhotep and Nefertitty, who are lounging on a grand couch made of slave girls. They feed him grapes and massage his "limbs" as slaves entertain him. Nefertitty seems occupied with a large mirror made out of slave girls. There is a knock at the door and a messenger from the FTUW comes in.

"What do you bring me, the Illusionist, World Heavyweight Champion of the FTUW?" Imhotep says with cold eyes.

"Ahem, ahem," the messenger says, clearing his throat. He raises a roll parchment into the air and reads. "By order of the great King of Nouveau Richonia, Owner and Commissioner of the FTUW, Baron Hoity Von Toity, the Extravagantly Rich and Mighty, I proudly announce Roy Jones Jr. Presents: Taboo Tuesday 2, live on PPV, September 23rd!"

"Ah," Imhotep says, his lips curl into a dastardly smile.

"The ILLUSIONIST will be defending his title for the 2nd time against the 1000 Goon Slayer, the Black Judge! Will the Judge's gavel declare a guilty verdict, or does the ILLUSIONIST still have a few tricks up his sleeve?!"

"Tut, tut. Very good. You may tell the Baron that I, the great Illusionist, shall perform not tricks, but GRAND FEATS OF MAGIC to embarrass this Black Judge. And please, to show my gratitude to the Baron, I shall send you back with 100 of my finest slaves, with gifts of gold, gems, rocket-powered chariots, and a few other gifts that he will no doubt find petty in his grandiose."

The messenger bows, for he cannot say anything more than he has said, having been bred as an FTUW PPV Card Announcer, he is incapable of anything more.

Imhotep stands up and stretches.

"I have to plan a new series of tricks for his show," he says to the narcissisticly enraptured Nefertitty. "Please, excuse me."

-----------------------

Deep in the dungeons of the palace, JAZZ FANTASTIC sits chained in a dark and dingy cell, his eyes closed in deep concentration. Suddenly, they flash open.

"Taboo Tuesday," he says, and grins.

[Action Hank]

A giant golden pyramid (made from 100% pure Jew gold that is coated in the tears of thousands of Jews saddened to see their gold melted into a giant golden pyramid instead of stashed away in their special pouches) rises into the air. This is THE PYRAMID OF ILLUSION (tm), the newest FTU arena, built smack in the middle of Heliopolis II in Neo Egypt.

Inside, thousands of screaming, half-naked and covered in dirt and shit slaves are penned into their seats with chicken wire and shards of blessed brown glass. A golden floor of gold and golden sand with a golden arena encrusted with gold and gemstones shimmers as smoke fills the air.

In a special area separated from the rabble of slaves stands a plush golden room filled with silk couches, thick silk rugs, and golden thrones. The lovely Nefertitty sits in one of the thrones as three animal-faced men stand guard around her. Several slave girls fan her as she looks indifferently at her nails and chews her gum.

Imhotep sits in silence.

In a far corner is a crack in the wall where a single eye looks out into the arena. JAZZ FANTASTIC, chained in the dungeon, watches as slaves battle it out in the ring. They aren't very good, though, and put the legacy of Goldman to shame. A few guards watch over him with metal spears and machine guns.

In the ring a fat Jew with a thick beard slaps a thin bald Jew in the face a few times and the thin one cries and runs away, falling into a pit of snake-tipped spears that impale and fill his dead body with poison. The crowd whines in displeasure.

"Your winner, Sam "The Butcher" Bakal."

The fat man grunts and walks over to his corner where he's fed a bucket of whitefish.

"THIS SUCKS!" the slaves begin to shout. "BRING ON THE ACTION!" others complain!

Imhotep stands up and walks over to the window in his luxury box. "It is time to put on a real show!"

[Action Hank]

The lights dim and turn purple and red and the audience quiets down. A drum beats. Then it beats again. Then again, and soon a shitty drum machine begins pounding away the beats. Some sort of flute begins to wail and ... IT'S AN ANCIENT EGYPTIAN RENDITION OF Final Countdown!!!

The audience begins to cheer.

There is a huge explosion and then the smoke condenses into a giant snake that sprays acid out on the crowd, blinding a whole section of slaves. Then the snake explodes into a million more snakes that start spraying acid and blood everywhere!!!

Then Imhotep appears in the center of the ring. He is draped in golden silk robes with his crown now encrusted with hundred of tiny skulls. He tosses the robes into the air and it turns into a rain of thousands of flowers. The maimed and acid-burned slaves are covered in the flowers, and they momentarily forget their woes!

Imhotep turns towards Sam "The Butcher" Bakal (this has got to be the third "The Butcher" that I've used), and points a finger at him.

"If you can defeat me, then I shall let your people go!"

The whitefish falls out of Sam's mouth and he rushes forward with his fist outward as if to ram Imhotep with that fist. AND HE HITS THE ILLUSIONIST RIGHT IN THE FACE! BLOOD SHOOTS OUT IN GALLONS AND BUCKETS AND SAM IS SHOT ACROSS THE RING AND INTO THE ROPES!

But it isn't blood! It's wine! And not normal wine, BUT POISONED ACID WINE! Why? BECAUSE IMHOTEP IS A BASTARD!

Sam falls to his knees, his face and body melting into itself. Screaming in pain. Imhotep jumps lightly into the air AND DOESN'T COME BACK DOWN! He just floats, levitating.

"That's a neat trick" Vic says.

Imhotep tries to ignore Vic's voice.

"You should use some animals, now. Audiences love animals."

"I already used snakes!" Imhotep says, curtly.

"What about some nice, plushy rabbits or a few pigeons?"

"I don't understand the rabbits and pigeons. Why rabbits and pigeons? There are so many animals to choose from, but you always go with the rabbits and pigeons."

"I like them. They're nice."

Sam, stares in disbelief (through his melting eyeballs) as Imhotep seems to be speaking to himself. He manages to stand back up as his right arm melts out of the socket and falls to the ground. He bends over, picks it up in his left, and rushes at Imhotep, waiving it like a bat.

But Jews aren't very good hitters. Shawn Green sucks.

Imhotep catches the flailing arm and it begins to move around as if it was a living thing, and not a rotting appendage. Sam drops it in surprise, and the arm transforms into a crocodile. It snaps off Sam's legs and the melting, legless The Butcher falls to the ground.

The audience explodes in excitement and blood lust!

"Happy?"

"It's not a rabbit."

"Fine."

Imhotep hovers (really, using invisible ropes and lines connected to the catwalks above) over to Sam, carefully avoiding the Crocodile that is chomping away at Sam's guts. He lowers to the ground, and kicks Sam once in the gut.

"You want rabbits? I'll give you rabbits."

Sam's chest begins to stretch and pulsate, and suddenly tears open as dozens of fat rabbits pour out, stained red in blood. The crocodile goes nuts, tears away at them in an excited frenzy.

"I like rabbits."

The audience goes crazy.

ILLUSIONIST! ILLUSIONIST! ILLUSIONIST!

Imhotep speaks, and his voice is carried over the PA system.

"Behold my works, ye BLACK JUDGE and despair!"

The crocodile and rabbits and Sam's body explodes into a fine powder of guts and firecrackers.

[Spamdini]

Sir, I know I'm the only one who read these promos, but I was very impressed. Though Imhotep seems, uh, invincible now.

[Big Fagot]

I didn't want Spamdini getting all smug so I read all this as well, and I would like to copy and paste his statement.