Dragon Ball Z Uncensored

[Action Hank]

THE ILLUSIONIST will return soon, but for now, enjoy:

JAZZ FANTASTIC in:
Stella by Starlight
or
The Big Bad Bop

In which JAZZ FANTASTIC seeks out THE BEBOP SHOGUN, who has been reported in YOGURT LAND!!! Will JAZZ find the nefarious MUSICAL MURDERER?? Can he trust the beautiful but cunning HYPNOTITS? Why does he even hang out with the ILLUSIONIST, anyway?

Read on!!!!
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The following takes place parallel to the ILLUSIONIST's adventure on Mount Crystal Washington.
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CHAPTER ONE:


The ILLUSIONIST sits on the edge of the bed, a scowl on his face.

Sorry, cat, but I have a man to see," JAZZ says as Vic puts on his shoes. "The MAN."

"But we need your help. I need you," Vic says. Pleading.

"Come on, we're going to be late," Hypnotits says from the doorway.

"Sorry, bro, but this one gig I gotta do solo."

JAZZ picks up his saxophone, The Birth of the Cool, and walks out of the room.

"JAZZ!" Vic shouts. "DON'T LEAVE ME!"

The Hypnotits, the anti-hypnotic security necklace tight around her neck, grabs JAZZ's arm and slides her own arm into it.

"He seems so heartbroken," she says and twirls her finger around JAZZ's forearm.

He looks at her through his sunglasses. Despite the security necklace, the Hypnotits was very dangerous. Beautiful, intelligent, and a master of manipulation. (I've also decided to make her an evil blond version of Yoko from Tengen Toppa Gurren-Lagann---so Seru's PP)

"Oh, don't be so quiet," she says, pouting. "You're always the quiet strong type, aren't you."

". . ." he says.

"Still don't trust me, do you, Bird," she presses her large breasts against his arm. "If I remember correctly, it was you who dumped me."

"Ain't cool," JAZZ says. "Don't jive." The images of him walking in on Hypnotits and the Rapist flash in his sunglasses.

"K is dashing, I admit. But he's all skin and bones. I need a big, thick man. You know I love dark meat."

JAZZ adjusts the strap of his saxophone and doesn't respond.

They exit the massive doors to the sprawling mansion and step into the massive gardens. Despite being only a fifth of the size of the Toity estate in Richonia, the one in Branson still takes up about a half of the city. There is a car waiting for them, parked on the gravel that is made from crushed gold nuggets.

A door opens and Maxwell Powers steps out. There is a big grin on his face.

"Your requested car," he says. "Sir."

"I have one more request, cat," JAZZ says. "I'm gonna need a wingman."

"Hey, what am I?" the Hypnotits says, her face red. "JUST SOME FUCKING GOOD TIME? YOU GUYS GONNA TAKE TURNS POKING ME AND THEN TOSS ME ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD FOR SOME GOONS TO MOLEST?!"

JAZZ smiles. "Cool, baby. All cool. There is another reason I need this cat."

"And its the reason you've been traveling with my sad, sad brother," Max says, lighting up a cigarette. "The SECRET OF THE BEBOP SHOGUN."


---------------------
WHAT?!!! MAX POWERS KNOWS THE SECRET TO THE BEBOP SHOGUN?!! SO JAZZ WAS AFTER MAX, ALL ALONG?!! What is this secret, and how can Maxwell help---find out, next chapter!

[Action Hank]

CHAPTER TWO:

A black heavily-armored souped-up NISSAN VERSA races along a stretch of cracked and battered highway. The outside of the NISSAN VERSA is covered in bits of dried guts and blood from the numerous goons/wretched survivors it had flattened. A mohawk flutters on the spoiler. Inside the roomy yet stylish NISSAN VERSA sit two men and a woman: JAZZ FANTASTIC, Maxwell Powers, and the Hypnotits.

They had passed over the border into Yogurt Land only hours earlier, ramming through a blockaded of turned-over milk trucks guarded by goons wielding high-powered FONDUE BLASTERS (giant takes of boiling melted cheese on their backs that shoot the SEARING HOT CHEESE out of highly pressurized hoses), who rode on the backs of mutated man-eating cows the size of tanks. They now feasted on the remains of one of the cows.

"Cat, you sure this 'Yogurtman' gonna be cool?" JAZZ asks, lighting a reefer! between his lips.

"He's all right," Max says, balancing the steering wheel between his knees as he bites into a smokey rib. "I know how to deal with him. It's...Yogurtwoman that I worry about."

"Shiiiit," JAZZ says, blowing some smoke up into the air. He pats the black case containing the Birth of Cool.

Soon the ruins of Minneapolis rise along the horizon. The IDS Tower stands in imposingly, its glass windows mostly shattered so that it looks like some sort of massive skeleton against the gray-red sky.

But they aren't heading there. As they near the outskirts of the city, the road suddenly ends at a wall of steel. A contingency of mutated-cow riding "Yogurt Riders" wielding all sorts of dairy-based weaponry (such as Yogurt Slingers, Cream Cannons, and deadly yet delicious Rocket Propelled Cheddar Launchers) surround the affordable and economic NISSAN VERSA.

The Captain of this group of riders walks over to the car. He's dressed, like the others, in a milkman's uniform that's been accessorized with all sorts of goonish flair (studs, blades, bones, etc) and armed with a particularly sharp piece of cheddar (durrhurrr!).

"Who dares enter the domain of YOGURTMAN, the all powerful?" he asks Maxwell through the lowered window of the NISSAN VERSA.

Maxwell smiles.

"We've come from Branson to seek audience with his Yogurtness," he says. He pulls out a platinum card with his photograph on it and shows it to the captain.

"One of the Baron's agents," the Captain says. He scrunches his nose and scratches his ass and then nods. "Okay. Follow us. We'll bring you to the YOGURTDOME, but that's all we can do."

Maxwell smiles again, then rolls up the window.

"What did I tell you," he says to JAZZ. "This'll be easy."

"Yeah, we'll see," the Hypnotits says, yawning from the back seat. She stretches as she wakes from a nap. "We'll see."


NEXT UP: THE MEETING WITH YOGURTMAN IN THE YOGURTDOME! WILL HIS CULTURED CREAMINESS KNOW THE LOCATION OF THE BEBOP SHOGUN? PROBABLY!!!!

[Action Hank]

CHAPTER THREE:

The Yogurtdome, formally the Metrodome, has been converted from the old home of the Minnesota Twins into a well armed, well guarded, seat of power for the ruler of Yogurt Land, Yogurtman and his main squeeze, Yogurtwoman (Yogurtlad and Yogurtgirl are out of town). The cream of the crop (duhurr) of Yogurt Land's crack troops roam the stands, while the infield diamond has been replaced with a tower. Some of the Yogurt Riders are grazing their mutated cows on the astroturf. The cows have unique digestive systems that allows them to live off the plastic grass. It is into this tower that JAZZ FANTASTIC, Maxwell Powers, and the Hypnotits are led by Lt. Kurt, the head of Yogurtman's personal guard.

"What do you get when you cut a dead baby with a razor," he says before blowing his nose into his hands and wiping them on his pants. "An erection."

JAZZ and company groan under the strain of such gay as they are led through one of the dugouts and up a metal bridge leading into the tower.

Guards salute Lt. Kurt and then open the large steel doors. A large letter Y is engraved into each door. After some more walking, bad jokes, disgusting bodily functions, etc, they make it to the throne room. There, upon a chair that resembles a container of yogurt, sits Yogurtman.

Maxwell bows as he enters the room. JAZZ and the Hypnotits follow Max's lead.

"What brings you to my tower?" Yogurtman says, and adjusts his glasses. "Does the Baron require something from me?"

"We don't come on behalf of the Baron. Rather," Max says, twirling his mustache, "we've come to see---him."

Yogurtman closes his eyes and sighs. "Now, Maxwell, why on earth would you want to do that? Especially after all that trouble we went through."

JAZZ interrupts. "I got a score to settle with that jive turkey. I am the one that wishes to see the BEBOP SHOGUN."

"What is this?" a woman's voice speaks from an open doorway to the side of the throne room. "What madness is this?!" a woman steps out, surrounded by several guards carrying yogurt slingers.

"Ah, Yogurtwoman," Yogurtman says, standing. "Maxwell Powers has decided to visit us..."

"Ugh, your revolting friends," she says. "I told you that I didn't want to have any part in...them."

"But...but..."

Yogurtwoman turns and points a finger at Maxwell Powers. "The last time you were here, you had him up into all hours of the night doing all sorts of terrible things. You're a bad influence."

"Madame," Maxwell says. "The last time I was here, I helped your husband and his guards subdue one of the most powerful and dangerous beings in post-apocalypse America."

"Bah," she says. "How dangerous can one musician be? Yogurtman, I want you to send these cretins away."

"But...but..."

JAZZ grips his saxophone case. Slowly he loosens the clasps and the instruments slides into his hands. He brings it up to his lips and plays a slow and quiet tune...Yogurtwoman suddenly turns and stops talking.

"Tall and tan and young and lovely," Hypnotits begins to sing. "The girl from Ipanema goes walking. And when she passes, each one she passes goes - ah."

Maxwell slowly slaps the beat out on his legs.

Yogurtwoman stands up tall and begins to prance around the room, holding her head high.

"Ooh, but I watch her so sadly. How can I tell her I love her? Yes I would give my heart gladly. But each day, when she walks to the sea,
she looks straight ahead, not at me."

Yogurtwoman turns and walks right out of the room. Yogurtman watches in awe, stands and applauses.

"I love that woman, but GOD DAMN IT!" he says. "I can't do anything fun. Okay, let's go to the dungeon so you can see the Shogun."

JAZZ puts The Birth of the Cool back into its case, and they all follow Yogurtman down into the dungeons.



NEXT: THE BEBOP SHOGUN, IMPRISONED?!??! HOW? WHY? FIND OUT NEXT CHAPTER!

[Action Hank]

CHAPTER FOUR:

Down into the dungeons of the YOGURTDOME they went, past cages filled with goons and normals alike, for Yogurtman ruled his people with an iron fist. One does not violate the law without receiving the strictest of punishments.

In the deepest part of the dungeon, several stories below the Yogurtdome, stands a massive black door covered in chains and guarded by Yogurt Land's most powerful and faithful troops. For beyond it lay one of the most dangerous criminals in the world, the BEBOP SHOGUN.

"I don't know if this is a good idea," Yogurtman says. "We lost too many good men trying to detain him. I sentenced him to death, yet he survived every attempt to execute him. These doors are the only things I know of that will keep him at bay."

Maxwell nods. "I'd never faced such an opponent. I don't even know how we defeated him."

He closes his eyes and thinks back to a year earlier, amidst the violence and carnage of the apocalypse, he had been sent by the Baron to assist Yogurtman in subduing a devil of epic abilities. He had gone with over a hundred crack, biologically enhanced supertroops, yet all succumbed to the powers of the Bebop Shogun. After two straight days of fighting, after hundreds lay slain at the hands of the devil musician, the Shogun had suddenly just laid his saxophone aside and surrendered. A few more hours, and he would have defeated the entire force sent against him.

"That cat, he's gonna pay," JAZZ says, petting his horn case. "I don't care what ya'll think, I will make him pay for what he's done."

Yogurtman shrugs as they reach the door. Then he pulls a chain off from around his neck, which at the end hangs a key. It is this key he places into the door, though first he hands the others some headphones.

"We've learned that if you don't hear the music, he can't hurt you...directly."

The others nod, put on the headphones, then Yogurtman turns the key and the massive black door opens. Inside is a large room. In the center of the room is a giant glass box. Dozens of men stand around the box carrying rocket launchers. Within the box is a slab of metal. Chained to the metal is a man, naked, eyes closed, a smile on his lips.

As soon as the door creaks open, the man begins to laugh. He mouths, "Hello," but the headphones keep all in the room from hearing the words. Yogurtman speaks into a microphone attacked to the headphones.

"Behold, the Bebop Shogun."

JAZZ looks at the man. He recognizes the chiseled chin, the nose, the checkbones...and the feet. It is the Bebop Shogun!

The doors close behind them.

"Behold, the devil incarnate," Yogurtman says.

JAZZ grips his saxophone case tightly against him. He feels the clasps against his fingers.

And then...

"Hello, kid," the Shogun says. And this time, all of them hear it, despite the headphones. No, through the headphones. "You've finally made it."

Then, to the horror of JAZZ, Max, and the Hypnotits, the Bebop Shogun tears himself free off the wall and walks over to the closest wall of the glass box. He begins to laugh.

"I'm...I'm sorry," Yogurtman suddenly says. He pulls a gun out of his pocket and aims it at JAZZ and company. The guards all follow suit. "I'm deeply sorry."

The Shogun then steps through the glass, which shatters all around him. He licks his lips and raises an arm. A guard rushes forward with a jet-black saxophone.

"I want you to meet a good friend of mine," he says to JAZZ. "The love of my life. Meet STELLA. STELLA BY STARLIGHT."

"Yogurtman!" Maxwell shouts. "What's the meaning of this?!"

"Did you really think that this pathetic man was the ruler of Yogurt Land, let alone any piece of this godforsaken country?" the Shogun says. "Bow. Bow before the true master of this land."

Yogurtman bows, as do the guards. JAZZ and company stare on, shocked as the naked Shogun takes the saxophone and places the reed up to his lips.

Now it all made sense, Maxwell thought. Why did the Shogun give up suddenly? Because he hadn't given up. He hadn't given up at all!

"If you will not bow, then perhaps you'd rather...die."


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NEXT: HOLY SHIT!!! THE BEBOP SHOGUN IS THE TRUE RULER OF YOGURT LAND? WHAT HAS JAZZ GOTTEN HIMSELF INTO?? CAN HE DEFEAT THIS MUSICAL DEVIL? FIND OUT NEXT CHAPTER, AS THE EPIC BATTLE BEGINS!!!

[Action Hank]

CHAPTER FIVE:

"LET'S BOP!" JAZZ shouts and tosses his saxophone case into the air. It bursts open and The Birth of the Cool lands in his hands.

"You think you're ready, Kid?" the Shogun says. From nowhere a giant conical straw hat lands on his hand, obscuring his face (which had already been obscured, for the most part, by random shadows in the room. JAZZ notices, for the first time, a large scar running down the side from the Shogun's left shoulder to his right hip. It's shaped like a giant number 7.

JAZZ doesn't waste time. He breaks out the opening beats of AUTUMN LEAVES! A raging gust of wind picks up and tosses the guards and Yogurtman around, knocking the guns out of their hands. Maxwell sees his chance and rushes around, throwing huge spinning kicks and lightning fast jabs. A few of the guards get back to their feet and jump at the Hypnotits.

"Ahem!" she shouts, getting Max's attention. She points at the necklace as she dodges attacks. "A little help?"

Maxwell nods and tosses something through the air. It's a key! which lands perfectly into the lock at the back of the necklace. The safety releases and the necklace falls to the ground.

"Okay, boys," she says seductively. The guards stop their attack and stare at her. "Don't be rough with such a delicate flower as I am. In fact, I think you should be groveling, like dogs, for my attention."

The guards nod and start getting on their hands and knees and grovel, like dogs.

MEANWHILE

JAZZ and has switched up to GIANT STEPS. The Shogun grins and leaps as invisible giant's feet crash around him. Then he plays a single note, the opening of MILESTONES, and several massive rocks rise from the earth and protect him from the attack. From within the rocky shield, JAZZ hears STARDUST!!! THE ROCKS EXPLODE SENDING SHARDS OF ROCKS EVERYWHERE! slicing through hapless guards, embedding in the walls, floors and ceilings. Maxwell leaps around a few shards, two guards leap and take the attack for Hypnotits. One shard of rock lands comically in front of Yogurtman's crotch!

JAZZ stands tall as the rocks and bits of stone fly around him, not moving a step. His sheer will protecting him from the attack.

"Very good, Kid," the Shogun says. "The determination. The confidence. One must be confident in their abilities if they are to be a true master of the bop."

"I ain't need no jive lesson," JAZZ says. "But baby, if you wanna swing---"

He begins to play MACK THE KNIFE! The notes soar out like sharpened blades, slicing the Shogun---who is caught unaware!---up. He grins as blood drips from his body.

"She was always a good horn," the Shogun says. "But Cool's no Stella." The black saxophone glistens in the fluorescent lighting. There's a flash and he's playing A FOGGY DAY. The room fills with mist and its impossible to see a thing.

"I've always had such high hopes in you, Kid," the Shogun says from somewhere within the fog. "That's why you're not dead. Yet. Let's switch things up a bit. I hope you enjoy THE WATERS OF MARCH!"

Sweet bossa nova sounds saturate the foggy air---and then something seems to condense within the fog. ITS A FUCKING RIVER OF WATER!!! JAZZ braces himself as the water hits him hard and presses him against the far wall. When the water stops, the fog is gone. There are splattered bodies of guards plastered against the wall. Maxwell is hanging from the top of the door, holding the Hypnotits up with his free arm. Yogurtman had been swept out of the room all together!

The Shogun stands in the middle of the room.

JAZZ reacts quickly, belting out some dixie---TIGER RAG! The notes bend and curve into the shapes of tigers and attack the Shogun.

"Cute," the Shogun says and plays TAKE FIVE. The tigers suddenly stop in their tracks and wander off to take a break. "Come on, Kid. You gotta do better than that. You have to bring your A game if you're to challenge one of the 7 DEVIL MUSES. Here, have a taste of true power!"

And he plays THAT'S ALL.

JAZZ feels his spirit begin to buckle. All around, surviving guards begin to strangle themselves, as their fighting spirits are completely obliterated. There is nothing left for them to live for! Maxwell lets Hypnotits drop to the ground, then he follows her. He begins to smash his head into the door. Hypnotits just falls into a heap, crying.

But...but JAZZ brings the Birth of the Cool to his lips and in desperation, begins to play ALL THE THINGS YOU ARE! HIS FINISHER!!! But there's something wrong. JAZZ's spirit isn't all there.

"Like I said, confidence is key," the Shogun says. He lowers Stella By Starlight for a moment and watches as The Birth of Cool begins to buckle under the strains of ALL THE THINGS YOU ARE.

"I...I can't," JAZZ says, and the horn warps and bursts and falls from his hands into a mess of twisted metal.

"I guess I was wrong about you, Kid," the Shogun says. "You were a waste of my time." He brings Stella to his lips again and readies to blow.


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NEXT: IS THIS THE END FOR JAZZ FANTASTIC!!! IS THERE ANYWAY TO STILL DEFEAT THE BEBOP SHOGUN? IS THE BIRTH OF THE COOL DEAD?! NEXT TIME, THE THRILLING CONCLUSION TO THE EPIC BATTLE!!!

[Action Hank]

CHAPTER SIX:

"I guess I was wrong about you, Kid," the Shogun says. "You were a waste of my time." He brings Stella to his lips again and readies to blow.

JAZZ looks down at the remains of Birth of the Cool.

"Shiiit," he says, his reed still hanging loosely from the side of his mouth. And then his life flashed before his eyes, perhaps as his body sensed his eminent death, or perhaps from a reefer haze...

...A young boy peeks into the window of the beaten down jukejoint off at the edge of nowhere, Mississippi, watching an old blind man suffering from diabetes and arthritis grasping at a tarnished saxophone. The boy watches as the man takes the reed of the horn into his mouth, fingers the keys, and then begins to blow---

And oh how that man blew.

Fingers like lightning when the notes were fast and furious. Other times slow and sluggish, feeling around like a boy trying to get the bra off his first date, but the sound that came out dug deep into that boy's gut and made his spine tingle.

"Remember, JAZZ," the old man, his grandfather, would say after the show, "Music done come from tha' soul. From that spirit that God gave you, and God wants you to let that spirit out. He wants you to celebrate your life."

And the boy would try to play the saxophone, but only chirps and air would come out.

"In time you'll learn to play dis ol' horn," his grandfather said. "But like I says, God gave you that spirit to let out. And you don't need no horn to play his music."

And as the Bebop Shogun, his naked body covered in dust, blood, and sweat, began to break out his own rendition of ALL THE THINGS YOU ARE, the reed resting in the shadows of his face, the memory of JAZZ's grandfather's words rushed through his mind.

And he finally understood.

CONFIRMATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There is a blinding flash as a glowing white saxophone seems to appear within JAZZ's hands and the music pours out from the glowing white saxophone that is so translucent that it appears made of glowing dust, and before the Bebop Shogun can even reach the second note he's overwhelmed and flung back against the far wall, blasting through it and making a human-shaped hole. Tears of happiness streaming from his face as flies, so completely overwhelmed he is by the music. Stella By Starlight flails in the air and lands by JAZZ's feet.

The glowing horn vanishes as mysteriously as it appeared.

"Kchhhh," the Bebop Shogun sputters from his spot in the dungeon wall. Blood is pouring down his mouth. His ribs are fractured, his back is broken, he can't feel his fingers or toes. "Kid..."

JAZZ stares down at his fingers. He feels exhausted, as if all his energy had been sucked out of his body at once. He falls down to one knee.

"Kid..." the Shogun says again. His hat, severed in two, falls apart and falls out of the hole. "I knew it...kid. At last...someone...could do that."

At this time, conveniently, Max Powers and the Hypnotits recover and rise to their feet. Noticing JAZZ's extremely weak condition, Maxwell rushes over and supports him.

"Bring me---" JAZZ says, "bring me to that jive turkey."

The three hobble over to the hole, where the Bebop Shogun is laughing.

"Ha ha ha. So this---this is death!"

JAZZ extends Stella back to its owner, but the Shogun laughs some more.

"She's yours now," he says. "For forty years, I roamed the land as one of the 7 Muses of Death. For forty years I searched for someone who could defeat me. Someone who could play better than me. Who really understood the music. And now, you are the new Muse."

JAZZ suddenly winces in pain as a searing heat burns across his chest. His shirt tears open and there is a bleeding scar of the number 7 across his torso.

"There are 7 muses. They will seek you out in good time, JAZZ FANTASTIC. You are the new Bebop Shogun..." and then the old Shogun's eyes rolled to the back of his head as he dies.

And at the moment there is the sound of men approaching. Yogurtman's guards have returned, in greater numbers, and with more powerful weapons. They file into the room, and point their slingers and cannons at the trio.

Yogurtman stumbles in, a large bandage around his head. His eyes bulge in surprise and he slowly approaches the hole in the wall.

"Is he? Is he...?"

"Dat one dead honky," JAZZ says. "You wanna be next?"

"Then---that means---we're---FREE!" Yogurtman falls to his knees and pumps a fist into the air. "FREE!"

The guards cheer as Yogurtman rushes forward and gives JAZZ a big hug.

Later there is a big dairy-themed feast followed by dairy-themed orgies, that carry over for days and days until at last JAZZ (quite sickened because he is lactose intolerant) and his crew head out of Yogurt Land.

While in the car, JAZZ thinks over what the Bebop Shogun had said as he rubs his scar. There were 7 muses, he said. And the other 6 would soon seek him out. For what? he wondered.




THUS ENDS JAZZ FANTASTIC IN STELLA BY STARLIGHT (THE BIG BOP BRAWL). LOOK FOR JAZZ'S RETURN IN THE NEXT EXCITING CHAPTER OF THE ILLUSIONIST, COMING SOON!!!!!

[Action Hank]

MYSTERIOUS EPILOGUE:

"...ma...master!" A man runs into a room that is filled with 18th century European furniture. "I have news..."

"Yes, I know," a man says. His back faces the servant as he is bent over a desk, busily writing something. "Seven is dead, and now there is a new muse."

"How did you know, master?"

The master sits up for a moment, his body relaxes as he breathes in.

"I could sense it. I could hear it."

The nervous servant bows in appreciation.

The master turns his chair and rises. In his outstretched hand is a piece of paper covered in dots and lines.

"Bring this to 3. Have Count Hillbilly introduce our newest member to the SEVEN MUSES OF DEATH."

"Yes, LORD MOZART, I will."

Mozart turns back to his desk, which isn't a desk at all but rather a jet black piano. He feels the keys with his fingers and smiles. In this new age of terror, it was time for the muses to act. But first, it was time to replace one more of their ranks. The DEATH MUSE OF ROCK. And Mozart had someone in mind for the replacement.