Dragon Ball Z Uncensored

[Action Hank]

HE RETURN OF THE ILLUSIONIST

CAST OF CHARACTERS:

MAIN CHARACTERS:

The ILLUSIONIST:

Victor Powers, Jr. Our clueless hero. Somehow survived spending several years trapped in a car possessed by the soul of Rodney Dangerfield and a dead DILETTANTE. Was the first and only champion of Caligula's Bloodsport. Is trying to find his father, and has discovered that his brother, Maxwell Powers, is still alive.

Mr. Sinistar:

Old magician and head of the Magic Association Guild of Illusionists and Caterers (MAGIC, or the GUILD). Only surviving member of its Supreme Highest Secret Part. Hates the ILLUSIONIST, and wants him dead. But first, he must discover how Vic has somehow acquired some of the LOST MAGIC that will give Sinistar ULTIMATE POWER!

JAZZ FANTASTIC:

The mysterious and JAZZ-powered ex-bodyguard of Mr. Sinistar. Is currently teamed with the ILLUSIONIST and searching for the even more mysterious Bebop Shogun.

THE DILETTANTE'S FUCKING SKULL:

The skull of the dead DILETTANTE that the ILLUSIONIST carries around and talks to. Is just a fucking skull.

Kimchi:
The ILLUSIONIST's hispanic/asian servant. Is also a skilled knife fighter.


Other Characters:

The Bebop Shogun:
Powerful Jazz musician and fighter/mass murder. JAZZ FANTASTIC seeks the Shogun.

The Sinistars:
A team of performance-themed assassins hunting the ILLUSIONIST.

Maxwell Powers:
Vic's younger, accomplished, capable, handsome brother. Looks like Vic, but has a glorious mustache and is bigger, stronger, and suave. First appears at Slaughter Serenade---is he somehow connected to von Toity?

Imhotep:
Fabled magician of Ancient Egypt. Failed to appear at a summoning ceremony held by the GUILD...


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Story So Far:

After besting the Sinistar's deadly attacks on the Murder Train in chapter four, Victor Powers, Jr, the ILLUSIONIST has won Elegy of Extinction by summoning the moon!

But what of Vic? Did he survive the bloody battle against the monstrous Lunar Plexus and Super Agent Harry Underwood? And what does Baron Hoity Von Toity have in store for our lackluster hero? Should Vic even trust his own brother?

Find out in Chapter Five: The ILLUSIONist Job

[Action Hank]

It's a long hike up the mountain path, but a lone man in a thick coat makes his way through the snow and ice. He passes a sign warning trespassers to turn back, but he ignores it. A lone raven watches from the dead branch of a charred tree.

The path stops at a worn down gate, at which the man pauses at for a moment before jumping over it. Despite the snow, the graveyard has clearly been neglected with most of the stones broken or tilted over. The man heads for a mausoleum where an eerie green light is seeping out from the many cracks and around the large door coated in locks.

The man pulls out a strange tool from his jacket and within seconds all the locks are opened and the door creeps over.

"Я ждал вас," a man says from within the mausoleum. "I've been waiting for you." He is cloaked in green mist.

"Master," the Rapist Escapist says, dropping to one knee. "I require---"

"My assistance, нет? Yes, I will grant you my assistance," the mist clears and a bearded man wearing a monk's garb steps forward. "The Illusionist has returned. I must pay my old teacher a visit. He will regret abandoning me. He will suffer for treating RASPUTIN the way he has!"

---------------------------
CHAPTER FIVE: The ILLUSIONist Job

"Master, master!" Kimchi bawls. Tears streaming down his face. "Wake up, master!"

"Take it easy," JAZZ says, lighting a cigarette despite the dirty looks from the nurses. "Look, cat. Look."

The ILLUSIONIST opens his eyes and finds himself in a bed in a hospital. His teammates stand around him.

"Where---where am I?" he says.

"We're in Branson," Kimchi says, thick gobs of mucus dripping from his nose. "It's been two weeks since we found you. We thought you died in Castlevania. OH MASTER!"

"What? Castlevania? Two weeks?"

"Yes," Maxwell says, appearing from nowhere. "We found you hanging upside-down naked from a tree in Yogurt Land. All you had was that---belt," he nods to a belt made of rotting baby skins draped over a chair.

"Then it really did happen," Vic says.

"That sure was some gig," JAZZ says. "Some fine show. You had us all fooled, thinking you shot the moon and all."

"The moon," Vic says, and turns over on his side, away from his teammates. "Good trick."

Good trick.

CASTLEVANIA BEGINS TO CRUMBLE UNDER THE IMMENSE POWER OF THE MOON. ENTIRE WINGS IMPLODE AND BOTH ARMIES SUFFER HUGE CASUALTIES FROM FALLING DEBRIS.

ILLUSIONIST, AS AMAZING AS THIS IS, WE’RE ALL GOING TO FUCKING DIE IF YOU DON’T DO SOMETHING! the DILETTANTE’S FUCKING SKULL SCREAMS INSIDE THE ILLUSIONIST’S HEAD. THE ILLUSIONIST SNAPS FROM HIS TRANCE, AND LOOKS UP AT THE MOON. THEN HE PISSES HIS FUCKING PANTS.

“IT’S JUST A TRICK … IT’S FAKE!” THE ILLUSIONIST SQUEALS.

IT LOOKS PRETTY GODDAMNED REAL TO ME!! the DILETTANTE SHOUTS, DO SOMETHING!

THE ILLUSIONIST CHARGES FORWARD AND LEAPS UPWARDS, USING A FLOCK OF DOVES TO CARRY HIM HIGHER. WHEN HE REACHES THE MOON, HE SHOVES HIS SWORD INTO THE DIRT AND BEGINS BEATING IT WITH HIS FIST.

“GO BACK! ALLAH KHAZAM!” THE ILLUSIONIST SCREAMS IN ABSOLUTE TERROR.

HURRY HURRY HURRY! THE DILETTANTE SHOUTS.

“HOCUS POCUS! JESUS, I DON’T KNOW! FUCK!!” THE ILLUSIONIST SHOUTS, SLAMMING A GLOVED PALM INTO THE MOON’S SURFACE.

POOOOOOOOF!! THE MOON VANISHES INTO A MAMMOTH PURPLE CLOUD OF SMOKE, DISAPPEARING ALMOST AS QUICKLY AS IT APPEARED. LOOKING UP IN THE SKY, THE MOON HAS RETURNED TO ITS RIGHTFUL PLACE, BUT THE ILLUSIONIST HAS VANISHED.

From Earth. For the ILLUSIONIST did manage to return the moon to its orbit but---

"I'M ON THE FUCKING MOON!" he shouts, but of course there is no sound because there's no air.

[Action Hank]

"FATHER!" a boy says as he walks into the kitchen clutching a dirty and worn stuffed rabbit.

"What?" a man says. He's wearing a sweat-stained wife-beater and boxer shorts. There is well groomed thin mustache on his handsome, rugged face. The man is sitting at the kitchen table, tinkering away at some sort of mechanical device.

"I had a bad dream!" the boy says, tears streaming down his cheeks. "I dreamed that I was on the moon, and I couldn't get home."

The man doesn't look up from the device, he continues to tighten a tiny screw with a tiny screwdriver. He cocks a spring and something pops.

"It was just a dream," he says. "Go back to bed before you wake your brother."

"But---but---how do I get home?"

"Vic, you're 17. You'll figure it out."

Victor Powers, Jr nods.

"And fix that flap. I don't want your moon stuck in my mind," Victor Powers Sr. says without looking up.

Vic Jr. buttons the back of his pajamas.

"I got it," Vic Jr. Says. "I'll use magic to get home."

"Yeah, you do that, champ," Vic Sr. says.

And there he was, stuck on the moon.

"So, use your magic," the DILETTANTE'S FUCKING SKULL SAYS. "It got you here in the first place, now make like Merlin and get us the fuck back to Camelot."

"I don't know how. I don't even know how I got us here in the first place!"

"Think, Vic. Are you a Tellah or a Raistlin?"

"I don't even know what that means!"

Now if one were to watch this conversation, they would find it odd to: a)see a badly beaten man talking to a skull, b)despite the fact that there is no sound and c)see a man without a spacesuit standing on the moon. However, these things did happen.

"It means, USE YOUR FUCKING MAGIC AND GET US HOME!"

"I CAN'T!"

"YOU GOT US HERE!"

"HOW?"

"Close your eyes, relax, and picture someplace else. Someplace safe."
The ILLUSIONIST closes his eyes.

"Now, get us home."

Nothing happens.

This basically goes on for a few hours. During that time Vic wanders around the moonscape, tearing off his clothes in anger and madness. Then one day he trips over something and THE DILETTANTE'S FUCKING SKULL falls out of his hands and bounces away.

"NO, MY FRIEND!"

But within seconds the skull is miles away and indistinguishable among the moon stones and moon dust.

"DILETTANTE!"

The naked Vic falls onto his ass, covering it in moon dirt as tears start streaming down his face. Then he notices what he's tripped over.
--------------
"A spaceship?" Maxwell says, eyebrow raised.

"Yeah. A spaceship," Vic says. "I don't know where it came from or who is belonged to, but it worked!"

Vic hits random buttons and the space ship explodes. Vic is hurled through the air riding a large piece of metal like a bobsled through space and back into Earth's orbit. By the time he reaches ground, the metal piece has melted away to a pebble. Vic lands face first in a big pile of cow shit in Yogurt Land.

"Probably from some lost Handsomous adventure, or from Theldorrin, or even possibly from one of the hundreds of random aliens that apparently float around the Earth detecting the life signs of wrestlers."

"So, where is the ship now?" Kimchi asks, his mouth agape in interest!

"Um, so, I won?" Vic says, eying the belt hanging over a dresser. "Does that mean the GUILD will accept me now?"

"I don't think so," says a woman's voice. IT'S THE FUCKING HYPNOTITS! But an odd metal collar is around her neck! IT'S BLOCKING THE HYPNOTIC POWERS! There are two more collars around her wrists. "Sinistar would never allow it."

"I'm afraid its true, cat," JAZZ says.

Vic looks like he's about to cry.

"But...but..."

"Sorry, that old man and his crew just a bunch of jive turkeys, anyway."

"I need to be alone," Vic says, turning away. "I don't want you guys to see me this way!"

"But master, we've seen you cry lots of times," Kimchi says, picking at his fingernails with a knife. "Like that time you got your dick stuck in your zipper. Or that time you cut yourself while shaving. Or even that time you thought you lost your hat, but it was on your head..."

"Well, this time its different," Vic says.

Team ILLUSIONIST streams out the door.

"The GUILD...what will I do now, DILETTANTE? How could I ever face my father?"

But the DILETTANTE'S FUCKING SKULL is on the moon. Vic is all alone.

"No, you're not," a voice says.

"Who...who are you?"

---------------------------
"Bird," Hypnotits says, stopping JAZZ FANTASTIC as they walk down the hallway.

"Femme."

She places one of her fingers on his arm seductively. "How did I ever let you get away?"

"Cool, chick, cool. I never digged your style. Too dark. Too moody."

"Well, Bird, I have something for you. Something that I picked up from some dumb goon."

She pulls a reed out of her cleavage. He reaches for it and she places it in her mouth. Quickly he grabs it from between her lips.

"Shogun," JAZZ says. "WHERE?"

Hypnotits only winks, and begins to walk away.

"Femme, tell me. WHERE?!"

"I'll tell you, Bird. But you're going to at least buy me dinner."

JAZZ palms the reed and simmers for a moment, before following the rest of the crew down the hallway.

[Action Hank]

"Who do you think I am?"

The ILLUSIONIST sits up in bed, startled by the voice.

"I don't----DILETTANTE? Is that you? But---but you're on the moon!"

"Now, Vic, do you still honestly believe that I'm the DILETTANTE?"

The ILLUSIONIST closes his eyes and rubs his forehead.

"No, no, no. What the hell is going on? Who the hell are you? Where the hell are you?" His eyes dart around nervously. Sweat pours down his face.

"Relax, Vic."

The ILLUSIONIST leaps out of bed and frantically searches around the room, under the bed, in the closet, under the belt---

"RELAX!"

The ILLUSIONIST stops.

"Sit!"

He sits on the bed.

"Are you a ghost?" Vic asks. "Or a demon? Am I possessed? Am I crazy?"

"In a way, I have possessed you."

"LUCIFER?!"

"No, though sometimes I wish I had such powers. I am merely, like you, an illusionist."

Vic swallows hard.

"Vic, my name is Imhotep, and for 4,000 years I have been waiting to meet you."

"Huh?"

"I need your help, Victor Powers, Jr. And in return, I will teach you all that I know. I've already helped you from time to time, because you must live."

"Dear me!"

"For you are destined to be the greatest Illusionist of all time."

Vic picks at his nose and drools a bit.

There is a knock at the door.

"Now, don't tell anyone of this. There are those out there, those far more powerful than you have ever met, who are seeking me."

The door opens and Charles Artemis peaks his head into the room.

"Victor Powers, the Baron Hoity von Toity requests a meeting. He inquires on your condition."

"I'm feeling much better, thank you."

"He would have come to visit you personally, but he's been very busy restarting the FTUW. Will you be up for dinner? The Baron will dine in a half hour, your presence is requested."

"As long as we can talk about my father."

"Of course."

"You shouldn't trust the Baron."

"Then, I will return in a half hour to get you," Artemis says before closing the door behind him.

"Why shouldn't I?"

"Why should you?"

Vic bites at the scar on his upper lip and thinks.

"We will see," he says.

[Action Hank]

"Have you thought it over, Victor?" The Baron says, placing his platinum fork into a chunk of panda meat.

The ILLUSIONIST is sitting at a long, vast table made from a single redwood tree and encrusted in gemstones and gilded in gold. He is sitting several hundred feet away from the Baron, however a high definition television, video cameras, and microphones make it seem as if they're right next to each other.

A piece of California Condor egg drips from the ILLUSIONIST's chin as he looks up.

"Eh?"

"My proposal," the Baron says, and shoves the meat into his mouth. A servant helps message his jaw as he chews, and another servant dabs his mouth with a silk handkerchief that is tossed into the fire after one use. The servant messaging Toity's jaw quickly messages the Baron's throat to help him swallow. "The item that I require."

Several weeks earlier: In the Game Room, Toity stands admiring the head of a lion that has the head of a tiger stuffed in it. Then he turns to a map, woven from fine silk and painted with white rhino blood.

"In Powerbomb, on top of what was once called Mount Washington (now called Mount Crystal Washington) stands a tower. There is something within that tower that I need. I am a man of near infinite means, dear chap, but there are some things that money cannot buy."

"Uhhh..." Vic doesn't know how to respond.

"You see, this is no ordinary tower. There are no window and no doors. It is built from a highly dense metal that normal explosives cannot penetrate. It stands surrounded by two tall walls which have no gates, and two moats that have no bridges. More importantly, there is a seal on the tower. A MAGIC SEAL.

"For this tower is what's called a Wizard's Tower. It belongs to a powerful magician who has devised a series of magical traps to keep out thieves and goons. I have already sent two squads of my best soldiers, but neither returned. This is why I need you, Vic."

"Why me?"

Toity runs his finger over a gun and then adjusts his mustache before turning towards the ILLUSIONIST.

"You have the skill and the abilities that my men don't have. I need these skill and abilities, and I am willing to pay anything to acquire them."

"Well, I don't really need anything. I think things are pretty swell at the moment. I have friends, an act, found my brother, and I haven't died yet!"

"There is one thing you don't have. One thing that I know you desire, more than anything else. **DRAMATIC PAUSE** Your father."

"Papa?"

"Victor Powers, Sr. The great grifter and conman, whose name is legend among thieves."

"Papa."

"My sources tell me that he attempted to break into that tower, but failed. He was captured."

"PAPA!"

"If you can get into the tower and recover that which I desire, than you will also be able to save you father."

"...papa...."



"PAPA!"

"So?" The Baron leans forward intently. "What is your decision?"

"Yes!"

The Baron leans back and smiles.

"Excellent. I appreciate this, Vic. The FTUW appreciates this."

[Action Hank]

Misdirection is the most important skill for an illusionist's success. Flamboyant hand motions, silly words, body language, pretty assistants with low-cut cleavage sequence dresses, explosions and fire---all used just so that the audience doesn't notice that the ball has been moved from one hand to another. For misdirection is the ultimate way an illusionist can exert his control. If a magician cannot master misdirection, then he nothing more than a fool.
---------------------

"This is as far as we can go," the pilot says over the headset. "The winds are too great. You'll have to get off here."

They're hovering above a stretch of broken road that runs up the side of Mount Crystal Washington in a black futuristic-looking helicopter.

"What?" Vic shouts into his headphone, but it only comes out static. "Here? Shouldn't we land?"

Two of von Hoity's special Ops guards dressed in heavy body armor point at Vic and laugh.

"Pussy. Grow a pair," one says.

The other twirls his luxurious mustache and just laughs.

Then they get up and just leap out of the helicopter, which is about 100 feet off the side of a sheer cliff. A sudden gust of air blows them off course and they splatter onto the rocks.

"Shit!" Kimchi says, looking over the open door.

"Whoops," the pilot says. "Sorry about that."

"Never mind those peasants, " The Million-Dollar Dandy says, adjusting his special bright green dollar-like body suit. "Let's get going, Mr. Powers." He jumps out the helicopter and safely rolls down the road and stands up, brushing off a bit of dust in disgust.

"I wish JAZZ was here," Kimchi says. "I don't trust this guy."

One day earlier...

"Sorry, cat, but I have a man to see," JAZZ says as Vic puts on his shoes. "The MAN."

"But we need your help. I need you," Vic says. Pleading.

"Come on, we're going to be late," Hypnotits says from the doorway.

"Sorry, bro, but this one gig I gotta do solo."

**NOTE, COMING SOON: JAZZ FANTASTIC AND THE BIG BAD BOP**

"I said. I wish JAZZ hadn't gone off with that Hypnobitch to find the BEBOP SHOGUN," Kimchi shouts to a dazed ILLUSIONIST. "I don't trust the MILLION DOLLAR DANDY, whom the Baron offered to assist us.

Vic can barely hear a word. He's too busy pissing himself looking at the mangled splatter of the two special Ops guards.

"Victor, let's go. This is nothing." Imhotep's voice says. Vic nods, swallows and then climbs over to the edge.

"You're so brave!" Kimchi says, slapping his master on the back. Of course, Vic loses his balance and tumbles out of the helicopter. Kimchi leaps after him.

Vic lands on a cactus.

[Action Hank]

"Ouch! Ouch!" Vic winces as Kimchi pulls the cactus spines out of the ILLUSIONIST's ass.

"Please, master, hold still. 배설물! Why are they so deep? Your butt is very soft. You need to work out more."

The Million Dollar Dandy stands to the side, picking at his coral grills with gold-coated silver toothpicks. Chunks of beluga caviar and shark fin fall to the ground.

"Are we ready, illustrious ILLUSIONIST and his de-spining sidekick slasher of slicing supremacy?" The Dandy says. "Shall we climb these calamitous cliffs of cruelty to the terrible tower of trickery?"

"Yes."

And so they start up the road towards the Wizard's Tower. Now, this being Mount Crystal Washington (formally just Mount Washington), there are a few dangers to this climb, already observable from the helicopter ride and the deaths of the two special ops guards: the wind. Mount Crystal Washington's peak is notorious for its high winds. On April 12, 1934, the strongest ever observed gust of wind slammed the mountain at 231 mph. Lucky for our heroes, today the winds are only gusting at around 100 mph.

Vic's hat flies off his head from a gust. Birds and rabbits spill out, and are carried away with the wind. Kimchi has to hold him back from chasing after the hat, which vanishes into the sky.

"Farewell my friends," Vic says, shedding a tear.

They round a few curves and---

"I can see it!" Kimchi says. "Wow!"

About a mile away built into a ridge is a tall, round tower that appears to have been carved out of a single piece of quartz. A ten-story piece of quartz!

"Me-oh-my!" The Million Dollar Dandy says. "Such a stunning sight this gentrified gentleman has never negotiated."

"Very strange," Imhotep says to the ILLUSIONIST. "No, no. It couldn't be... You must be careful. Quartz has a few interesting properties that a 'wizard' may take advantage of."

"Like what?"

"It can amplify electrical discharges, for one."

"Neat."

Kimchi and the Million Dollar Dandy stare at the ILLUSIONIST as he talks to no one.

"Come on, master. We're almost there."

"Victor, this means that the 'wizard' only has to apply a small amount of energy in order to applify its effect. If this 'wizard' is who I think he is, then this may be more difficult than even the Baron imagined. What was your father thinking?"

"PAPA?"

Kimchi pushes Vic on, and suddenly the first wall appears in front of them. It's just a standard chain-metal fence. They easily climb over it.

On the other side is a moat filled with murky brown water. It's only two feet wide, so they easily cross it.

The second wall is made of coper and has turned green from being exposed to the elements. It's been smoothed down and is slippery. However, Kimchi uses his acrobat skills with the Million Dollar Dandy, being tossed to the top of the wall where he hangs backwards with his arms outstretched to pull over the ILLUSIONIST and the Dandy.

On the other side is another moat, this one is lined with metal so it resembles a very deep troth. It's a bit wider, and quite a leap to get over. Vic almost falls in, but a gust of wind knocks him across in the nick of time.

"I don't like this one bit, Victor. These walls and moats haven't been designed to keep people out." Imhotep says to the ILLUSIONIST.

"Paw-shaw. We are just three fine specimens of manly men, capable of defeating and trick or trap and overcome the most difficult of obstacles!" Vic says loudly.

Kimchi and the Dandy just nod, mostly ignoring Vic's announcement.

They are now only a hundred meters away from the tower, which, as the Baron described, has no visible windows or doors. Suddenly, there is a strange buzzing noise and the ground vibrates slightly. The three men's hair slowly begin rising into the air.

[Action Hank]

A neatly dressed mustached man stands in a room below the tower staring at a monitor showing TEAM ILLUSIONIST approaching. He taps his fingers against a metal console three times.

"Fools," he mutters. "Ill-bred mongrels." He steps back from the console and walks over to a metal cage. He opens it and pulls out a pigeon, which he gently strokes with his finger, three times. "All I want is peace and quiet. Yet they continue to annoy me. And look at what they're wearing! Costumes? So distasteful."

He walks back to the console and turns a few dials and switches. The room begins to hum with energy. Somewhere above, particles are charging. A smile curves around the edge of his lips. He slowly turns a large black dial. The room pulses.

Outside, the air takes on the odor of ozone. A humming is clearly emitting from the tower.

"Victor, we're trapped," Imhotep says. "Those walls and moats aren't there to keep people out. They are there to attract---death. And if the man, 'the wizard', behind this is who I think it is, we're done."

"Don't be silly. Now, how do we get into this thing?" the ILLUSIONIST says, scratching the scared tissue above his lip. Sweat from the walk has worn away some of the mascara of the fake mustache.

"Master, perhaps there is an opening on top?" Kimchi says, rubbing his head. "Maybe we can scale the tower."

"But we are hindered by a lack of hand holds. This tower is smoother than the sleek surface of a sumo wrestler's stomach."

"VICTOR! LISTEN TO ME! THIS TOWER---IT'S NOT A TOWER AT ALL! IT'S A---"

But before Imhotep can finish his sentence there is a crackling noise. The tower begins to glow blue, and whips of blue light burst in the air. One explodes from the tower and shoots down towards the surface of the nearest moat. Another spark and and explosive popping and now tendrils of blue lightning zap off the surface of the tower.

"Master...Mr. ILLUSIONIST...what type of magic is this?"

Vic's mouth opens wide. Then a streak of charged particles shoots right over his head.

Below the tower, the mysterious man laughs. "These mountains are perfect for my experiments," he says. "The wind. The precious wind provides the energy to harness the potential of this quartz crystal monolith! Behold, my greatest invention! THE DEATH RAY!!"

Above, the bursts of charged particles increases in frequency. The members of TEAM ILLUSIONIST find themselves ducking and dodging. Kimchi gets zapped and leaps in the air.

"QUE PENA!"

"Almost ready," the mysterious man says, looking at the console. A button turns red. "Goodbye, scum." He turns a knob and a crosshair appears on the ILLUSIONIST's face. He pushes the red button.

Above, the tendrils of blue light suddenly come into focus into one tremendous beam and FIRES AT THE ILLUSIONIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"WHAT!!!! IMPOSSIBLE!" the man shouts, staring at the screen. He blinks twice. "HOW COULD THAT BE!!!"

For the beam did not hit Vic. The beam didn't want to go anywhere near him. Somehow, the ILLUSIONIST had repelled it. The beam shoots off into the distance and hits the peak of a neighboring mountain, vaporizing it instantly into gravel and a cloud of dust, and leaving Vic cowering, hands over face.

"I...Imhotep...did you do that?" Vic says weakly, knees wobbling.

"No."

Kimchi and The Million Dollar Dandy stare at Vic in disbelief.

"M..MAGIC?" they both say.

Vic suddenly stands tall and proud and raises a thumb and winks.

"Of course! Magic!"

ANOTHER BLAST ZAPS RIGHT TOWARDS VIC BUT AGAIN AT THE LAST MOMENT IS REPELLED. A cloud of dust appears a few miles away at the side of another mountain.

Victor closes his eyes and breathes slowly.

"It was a good thing I wore adult diapers today," he says quietly. "I've pissed myself twice! I need to change myself." He checks his crotch, patting it gently. "Hmmm, these rubber pants are sure keeping my suit dry!"

"OF COURSE!" Imhotep says. "RUBBER! Quick, have the other gather around you. We have a chance! Tesla was always too overconfident. He was a lousy student."

Below the tower, Nikola Tesla curses wildly at the monitor. "DAMN! DAMN! DAMN!" he says. Then he calms down and takes a deep breath, slowly petting the pigeon three strokes at a time.

**SHIT! TESLA'S STILL ALIVE? HOW?! WHAT?!! FIND OUT NEXT TIME!**

[Action Hank]

"He he he. It seems as if the past is repeating itself." A bearded, bald man wearing the robes of a monk smiles. "The Illusionist and the thief. По мере того как вы сварили каша, поэтому должна вы съесть ее---any fish is good if it is on the hook. I will pay both men my respects, and give them what they deserve. Such miracles they will never see coming."

"Master, please, leave the ILLUSIONIST to me," a man wearing a long trench coat with a face obscured in shadows says. He cracks his knuckles. "For Femme---"

"нет. Your anger and hatred are fresh, but mine have simmered in my grave. You can help, but it will be I who shall destroy the Illusionist. You are far to weak to challenge him."

"Please, master---"

Rasputin's eyes turn red and wisps of smoke rise off his hair.

"Do not ask me again."

Disheartened, the Rapist Escapist nods and relaxes. He also wonders if it was a mistake to summon his teacher from exile.

---------------------------
"There has to be a way into the tower," Kimchi says, holding onto Vic as they slowly walk around the quartz monolith. He tosses a knife at the structure, but a lightning bolt shoots it from the air and melts it into a puddle.

"The wizened wastrel of wizardry must get in and out somehow," the Million Dollar Dandy agrees.

But they can't find a doorway, a window, or any sign of any entrance into the tower. Meanwhile, inside, Tesla impatiently watches and waits. He releases his pigeon and walks over to a large, phallic-shaped machine that is surrounded in a giant cage.

"Just in case," he mutters to himself as he flips a switch and blue streaks of lightning cascade off the metal of the cage.

"Victor, its up to you," Imhotep says. "You have to believe in yourself. Trust in the heart of the magic!"

Vic shakes his head. "How can I get us inside? This is far beyond me. Why did the Baron choose me? I'll never get to see my father, now."

"99% of all magic is illusion. Concentrate, Victor, and you can see beyond the trick. Tesla is no wizard, he's a scientist with a flair for the theatric."

The ILLUSIONIST thinks deeply for a moment. Was it just a trick? There were no visible entrances to the tower, where there? He inches forward, peering closely at the pulsating tower. The air is filled with ozone and crackles every now and then as lose bolts of lightning flicker into the air, or streak down to one of the moats or metallic walls.

Then he trips on a rock.

All three men fall forward and RIGHT INTO THE TOWER---their eyes open in fear as the final seconds of their lives flash before them and then---they are passing through the tower and its not one giant solid piece of quartz at all, but so smooth and polished and reflective that it appears as if there is no entrance when there is!

They are below the tower and in a room filled with exotic gadgets such as phallic-like coils, circuits, vacuum tubes, and other odds and ends.

A giant coil beings to vibrate and shoot out electrical tendrils as a neatly-dressed man in his thirties with a mustache steps towards them, the lightning shooting through him and over him without any effect.

"Good afternoon," he says. "I am Nikola Tesla. You have seen past the illusion of the tower, and survived the Peace Ray, however, it was very rude of you to disturb me without an invitation, so I am afraid I will have to kill you."

"Your lightning is useless against my magic!" the ILLUSIONIST says, finding some confidence.

"The industrious ILLUSIONIST has surpassed your science shtick with surprising simplicity!" the Dandy says. "What mad-capped creation will you foolishly frighten us with this time?"

"A gun," Tesla says and aims a pistol at the ILLUSIONIST's forehead. He fires.

[Action Hank]

A bullet moves at about 1000 feet a second. Given that Tesla was standing twenty feet away from his target, the ILLUSIONIST had only 1/50th of a second to react before the tip of the bullet barreled itself into his forehead, slipping through his brain and out the back of his head. 1/50th of a second for him to judge the direction of the bullet, its distance and speed, before it killed him. Before he could perform the most dangerous of all magic tricks.

The Bullet Catch

In the history of magic, there is no magical illusion more dangerous than the bullet catch. The trick is simple enough: a gun is fired, the magician catches the bullet in his teeth. However, no other trick has caused the death of so many magicians, and up to today over 11 magicians have died while performing it.

But the bullet catch is a controlled trick. It obviously involves either blanks or wax squibs that are harmless ejected from the gun, while a real bullet lies hidden within the illusionist's mouth, only to be revealed as if caught between his teeth.

Still, 11 magicians have died. Things go wrong, or there is foul play.

But out of the countless magicians who have ever performed the bullet catch, none had actually caught the bullet in their teeth. The velocity and force of that moving bullet would be so strong that even if the magician had managed to chomp down on the bullet, it would pull his jaw right out of his head. So no one had actually really caught the bullet in their teeth.

Until today.

For as the Kimchi and the Million Dollar Dandy uncringed, and Tesla stepped forward, Victor Powers, Jr, the man known as the ILLUSIONIST, stood tall with a bullet lodged between his clenched teeth, plucked out of the air. And then he did something even more amazing---he spit it back out.

The force of his spit wasn't anywhere close to the speed at which it had first traveled, however Victor Powers, Jr was a lucky man. The bullet dropped right into the gapping mouth of the stunned Tesla, and lodged itself in his throat.

Disgusted at having something spat into his own mouth and the surprise of what had just happened caused him to choke on the bullet. And so, TEAM ILLUSIONIST watched as the great inventor fell to his knees, face blue, choking on a bullet. Watched as Tesla, who should have died over 80 years ago and who should definitely not be in his 30s, strained for air. And then, Tesla was dead.

"Ma---ma---master!" Kimchi finally says, amazed at what just happened. "How did you do that?"

"I---I don't know! I---I couldn't have----it---"

"Such stupendously stunning speed stopping I have never seen!" the Dandy says, clapping.

"Imhotep?" Vic asks himself quietly as Kimchi and the Million Dollar Dandy examine Tesla's body. "Did you...?"

"It wasn't me, Victor. You did that all yourself."

"Me? But... How?"

"I told you before, Victor, there is a reason why I chose you: You are to be the greatest magician of all time. And I am here to teach you how."

"Excellent job," someone says from behind them. "Simply amazing. Not only did you get by the Peace Ray, found the entrance into the tower, but you also managed to kill...me."

TEAM ILLUSIONIST turns to see Nikola Tesla standing unharmed, a smile on his face. They turn back and see Nikola Tesla, dead on the ground, face blue from choking on a bullet.

"Huh?"

[Action Hank]

Hopefully my science is more right than wrong! If one is to present fake science, they just have to do it really enthusiastically, like the Japanese!

[Action Hank]

"First things first, gentlemen. Who are you, and what are you doing in my home?" The living Tesla says. He checks something off on a clipboard as he speaks. "I am also very interested in learning how you got past the Peace Ray. And why have you killed me?"

He steps over the dead Tesla and adjusts some knobs on a machine.

"Speak, gentlemen. I am a busy man."

"Master---" Kimchi starts, looking at the ILLUSIONIST in confusion.

"Sir, I am the ILLUSIONIST, and these are my companions: my humble servant Kimchi, and the Million Dollar Dandy. And we are here on behalf of the great King Baron Hoity von Toity."

Tesla turns a switch three times and then looks over the ILLUSIONIST.

"And to free my father!"

"I don't like visitors. I deplore those who interfere with my work. Be quick, you are trying my patience. What does the Baron want?"

The Million Dollar Dandy suddenly leaps into the air and grabs Tesla around the back of his head with a mighty full-nelson!

"I will tear off your head with these fastidious and furious fists if you don't tell us where the PARCHMENT is!"

Tesla's eyes bulge and he coughs for air as the hold presses his face against the ground near a single STRAND OF HAIR! The scientist convulses in revulsion.

"Oh---OH-KAY!" He shouts. "Just, GET ME AWAY FROM THAT---"

Tesla's body slumps lifeless as the axe splits his head into pieces. The Million Dollar Dandy flips back but not before getting bits of gore all over his fancy green lycra body armor.

"Bothersome," Nikola Tesla says from a doorway, where he holds a strange metal rod. "I demand that you leave."

"THREE OF THEM?!?!" Kimchi shouts.

----------------------------

Outside Rasputin and the Escapist encounter the first wall.

"Step back, K," Rasputin says. "Unless you believe you can escape death." He snickers as he speaks, and touches the wall.

Bolts of lightning explode all around the mad monk, his body glows blue from the energy coursing through him. His skin begins to bubble and pop.

"Teacher!"

"This, it is nothing," Rasputin says, his teeth bursting into flames in his mouth and his eyeballs oozing into streams of goo down his face. He lets go. And its as if nothing had happened. His body is normal and healthy again.

"This is just trickery, like all in life," Rasputin says. "The thief is a crafty one. He may have defeated me once, but I did not expect it. It is the Illusionist we must worry about, студент."

"The ILLUSIONIST?" the Escapist says, incredulously. "I'll admit I don't know how he beat me on the Murder Train, but he's mostly harmless..."

Rasputin glares at the Rapist Escapist, his eyes fiery red and menacing. He lifts a finger and points at his student. The Escapist feels like all his life is being sucked out of him as shadows creep around.

"YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. WE MUST STOP THE ILLUSIONIST, OR HE WILL KILL US ALL."

Rasputin turns and a strange green mist pours out of the sleeves of his robes that quickly dissolves the wall.

------------------------------
Inside, a monitor lights up.

"Hmmm. Your friends have destroyed the Peace Ray." Tesla says. "This is unforgivable!"

"Friends? What friends?" Vic says.

"These guys seem no better than those cronies over at Menlo Park," a second Tesla says, appearing from behind a massive console that he had been sitting at the entire time.

"We should remove this garbage before they stink up the place," a third Tesla says from an open doorway.

"What's going on!" Vic shouts, eying Kimchi and the Dandy. "How many of you are there?"

Five other Teslas appear from nowhere. Each is holding a strange metal rod. They turn the bottoms of each rod and a blue glow forms around the tops of the rods.

[Action Hank]

ZAAAAAAAAAAP!!!!!!!!!!!

Kimchi goes flying across the room and smashes through machinery after taking the blast of the nearest Tesla's metal rod in the gut.

Two other Telsa's lock arms and start spinning, their rods extended outwards so that they take on a whirling blue squiggle. The Million Dollar Dandy barely gets his arms up in time before he, too, is blasted across the room, his head smashes hard against a wall.

"Hold---hold on---" the ILLUSIONIST tries to plea with a gang of three Tesla's who swing their rods menacingly. Vic barely dodges one free swinging rod, and another burns through his jacket.

"Scum," one of the Teslas says.

"Vermin," another says and swings. Vic raises an arm to block and feels a strange numbing pain as the tip of the rod presses against him. Then there's an explosion of hurt as he's flung across the room and flails in the air towards a sharp exposed piece of metal.

"Victor. Disappear." Imhotep commands. Vic concentrates, however his body impales on the sharp metal apparatus---only for his clothes to slump to the floor revealing no body beneath!

"What!" The nearest Tesla says. "That---that move!" He barely blinks before his face slices in half. A bloody playing card---THE ACE OF SPADES---cuts into the floor and sticks half out of the solid concrete. Blood gurgles from the wound as the top of his head slides off the bottom.

The Teslas look around the room, panicked. A flock of doves appears from nowhere and surrounds them in feathers and bird shit.

"NO! THIS CAN'T BE!" The Teslas shout. "MASTER?!"

"No. I am, THE ILLUSIONIST!" a black-lycra-tuxedo-wearing Vic shouts, stepping behind a Tesla and shoving a handkerchief down the scientist's throat! Vic spins and punches the Tesla in the stomach and suddenly a never-ending stream of handkerchiefs come shooting out of his mouth, impaling another Tesla in the head. And another. And another. Three Tesla's are skewered in the face before the handkerchief hits the wall and barrels right through it! At last, the handkerchief runs out and is replaced with Tesla's innards.

A single Nikola Tesla remains. He has been sitting in a chair, looking over blueprints at a table in the corner of the room. He slowly stands and claps.

"Incredible," he says. "After all these years. Master, you've returned."

"Master? What are you talking about?" the ILLUSIONIST says, a magic wand in hand on the ready. Kimchi and the Dandy slowly stand up, dazed and confused.

"I---" But before Tesla can answer, a strange green fog flows into the room.

"VICTOR! QUICKLY, WE MUST GET RID OF THIS FOG!" Imhotep pleads.

Vic turns and waves his wand at the fog. Nothing happens.

"Ala-aka-zam!" He shouts.

Nothing happens.

"Ummm. FOG BEGONE!"

"PARALYZE!" An accented voice calls from the stairwell.

TEAM ILLUSIONIST and the surviving Tesla are suddenly frozen into place. They can't even breathe! They can only watch as a man in a brown, heavy robe steps into the room, followed by a man in a trench coat who's face is obscured with bandages.

"Now I have you," Rasputin says, pulling back the cloak of his hood.

"Huh?" Vic thinks to himself. For Rasputin looks exactly like Nikola Tesla, but with a giant beard, a shaven head, and a scar running down his right eye.

"Thief," he says, and steps over to Tesla. "I have come for what is mine. For what you stole long ago."

Rasputin turns violently towards Vic and sticks his face right into the ILLUSIONISTS!

"Illusionist," he says. "You will either return to me, or I will destroy you."

"Teacher," the Rapist Escapist says. "But---"

"нет!"

"I'm sorry, Victor. But there is only one way we're going to survive." Imhotep says. And then he takes complete control over Vic's body.

[Action Hank]

Rare is it that two men of such great magical abilities face each other in single combat. Zhuge Liang never fought Sima Yi head on. Merlin was just some gay Druid who worshiped trees. However, when such a thing occurs, it's very, very cool.

As Imhotep took over Victor Powers, Jr's body, it was the third such time he had done so. The first time, when battling Major Magician, he had almost split him from Vic's corporeal body. The second time, against the poetic goon, Percy Bysshe ShellSHOCK, left Vic too weak to fight later on in the final team battle. As he had grown more comfortable working with Vic, he had lent the ILLUSIONIST his strength on several occasions (ie Bloodsport), but never had attempted a full possession.

There are two reasons why this is a bad idea: 1) if Vic dies while possessed, Imhotep dies. And, 2) the result is a weakening of their physical bond, as Vic is far too weak to maintain direct connection. In fact, it was completely possible that Vic would die as a result of this possession. But it was better than the alternative.

Anyway, with the explanations out of the way, its time for

THE MAGICIANS DUEL: PART ONE

Rasputin cups his hand against his mouth and blows out a strange, reddish mist that takes the form of a hook.

"Now, after almost 100 years, you shall return to me!" the mad Russian says, directing the red mist towards Vic's body. As it surrounds Vic's body, Rasputin clenches his fist and the mist tightens like a lasso. "O! Come to me!"

But nothing happens. Rasputin again clenches his fist. "O! O!"

"Grigori. Do not be so serious. Eat, drink, and be merry for today we shall die."

Rasputin's eyes widen madly as the red mist explodes.

"Illusionist!"

'Vic' nods in a graceful, regal way. Then he raises his arms and his lycra suit explodes into a thousand black birds. He lands, now dressed in a golden skirt and brandishing a REAL MUSTACHE! AND A BEARD (one of those Egyptian braided things)!

Rasputin pulls himself into his robes as the birds attack. The Rapist leaps aside, barely covering himself as he's pecked by a few birds.

"Ra, lend me your strength," he says, his voice deeply and unfamiliarly accented.

The birds explode into tiny little suns and fizzle out into wisps of grayed smoke. But the Illusionist isn't done just yet. Thousands of invisible wires shoot out from the edges of his skirt, and wrap around the wisps. He moves his fingers at tremendous speeds, and the wisps begin to dance around the robes.

"Grigori, come out and dance with me," the Illusionist says, smiling before pulling at the strings tightly, slicing the robes up into hundreds of pieces. Chunks of robe, flesh, guts, and blood drench the floor.

"Master!" the Rapist shouts.

"Those who are already dead cannot die," the Illusionist says, dropping the strings and twirling around quickly, stirring up a gust of wind that clears the room of the green mist. Kimchi, the Million Dollar Dandy, and the surviving Tesla fall to the ground, gasping for air.

And sure enough, the robe rises back up into the air again with a visibly pissed Rasputin. Flames shoot out of his sleeves at the Illusionists, who merely catches the fire. He opens his hands and sunflowers fall out.

"Very funny," Rasputin says.

"I hope you enjoy this, as well," the Illusionist says, and taps his foot on the ground. Teslas's metal rods turn into snakes and lunge at the mad monk. He leaps in the air and spits at each snake, which causes them to explode.

"Now, my turn."

Rasputin quickly mutters several words and flicking his fingers around at supersonic speeds.

"That will not work on me. You never had the chance. Yes, your body is quite impressive, Grigori, but this one," he pats his stomach. "This one puts you to shame."

Rasputin pulls his hands in towards him.

"Ridiculous," the Russian says. "I am RASPUTIN, the EVER LIVING!" The room seems to lurch forward, but its not the room---it's everything in the room! MACHINES COME FLYING TOWARDS 'VIC', DRAWN BY INVISIBLE LINES. AND THE MACHINES ARE ALL SHOOTING OUT SPARKS AND LIGHTNING! Kimchi gets zapped in the leg trying to dodge!

The Illusionist flips out of the way, but his arm is caught by a sharp edge of a piece of junk metal and is sliced! 'Vic' winces in pain. He tries to stand and counter, but is hit in the back by a monitor.

Rasputin pulls again, this time one of Tesla's machines slides towards the Illusionist.

"I will crush you, and extract your soul!"

But 'Vic' only smiles as he reaches out and turns a switch to his right. Rasputin suddenly realizes what's happening, as a giant bolt of light hits the Illusionist and momentarily blinds Rasputin.

When Rasputin's eyesight returns, there are two Illusionists standing in front of him.

[Action Hank]

I should have only one promo left in me. I don't think anyone has read these, but it is picking up again!

[Action Hank]

"NO!" Rasputin shouts as he stares down the two Victor Powers, Jrs. The Rapist Escapist rubs his eyes in disbelief. Kimchi's mouth drops.

"Now is not the time. Follow me," Tesla says to Kimchi and the Million Dollar Dandy. "It is no longer safe here." The two follow him around the corner and down a ladder, deeper into the bowels of the tower.

"K, follow," Rasputin commands. "You will only get in the way." The Escapist hops off and after the three men. The Illusionists don't stop him. They only stand up and smile.

"The infernal machine," Rasputin spits. "Then the PARCHMENT does survive."

"This is your fault," one of the Illusionists says. "Now I must clean this mess up." He turns towards the machine and slowly walks towards it. The other Illusionist maintains his guard. Rasputin watches cautiously. "I thought you were the one to achieve the ultimate illusion, but sadly, you weren't."

"Jebat moi lisiy cherep!"* Rasputin lunges forward, his feet barely touching the ground.

(*Note: Couldn't find the actual Russian, but it translates to: FUCK MY BALD SKULL)

The Illusionist only sighs and waves a finger before opening his other hand and letting a few grains of sand fall to the floor. The sand spreads rapidly and just that little bit coats the ground. As Rasputin hovers over it two hands raise up from the sand and pull Rasputin downward.

As this goes on, the other Illusionist pulls a peacock feather out of the air and gently tickles the machine. It falls to pieces.

"No, you shall not have me this easily!" Rasputin shouts, and slips out of his robe, which is pulled down into the swirling sand. The robeless Rasptuin is a sight to see. His body is coated in immeasurable scars and painted with wild tattoos of ancient hieroglyphs. He's wearing a loincloth and a utility belt with all sorts of capsules, coiled up line, and other tricks and traps. On his feet are strange boots where strange compartments and pockets run up the insides of his legs.

One of the hieroglyph tattoos is of a heart over his chest wrapped in chains, and the tattoo appears to be---beating. There is another odd tattoo of complicated symbols around his belly, where there is no belly button.

"That is quite the spell," both Illusionists say in unison, looking at the complicated symbols.

"You recognize it, don't you, волшебник." Rasputin grins. "There were two things I learned from the parchment." He points to his heart tattoo, "The binding of the body---"

"An illusion far too dangerous for even I to attempt," one of the Illusionists says. This is the original Illusionist, and he's beginning to sweat---not out of fear as much as struggling to maintain control.

"And the binding of the BEAST," he says, pointing to his stomach.

"Parlor tricks." The other Illusionist says. "A game for children."

"HA HA HA," Rasputin shouts. And then licks his thumb. The two Illusionists look at each other and quickly begin to step backwards. Rasputin takes his licked thumb and rubs it across the tattoo on his stomach. The seals fade off his body and into the air like smoke and suddenly his belly button appears and opens like the end of a deflating balloon. Then something appears within it. Something hairy. AND HE GIVES BIRTH TO A FUCKING JACKAL. But its not a normal jackal, its the size of a bear!

"That's a nice touch," the original Illusionist says. His knees begin to wobble. There isn't much time left for him to maintain his form, and he winks at the other Illusionist who nods in understanding. "A little of your Russian heritage put in there."

Rasputin gasps for air and falls to the ground, exhausted from birthing the giant dog from his stomach. His skin has taken a sickly yellow hue and he can't seem to form words.

The Jackal licks his master affectionately, his tail wagging. Then he faces the two Illusionists, growls and his back raises in the air.

"Do you have anything up your sleave?" the original Illusionist says to the new.

"No," the new says to the original, pointing to his bare arms. "Anything in your hat?"

"Let's check."

The original Illusionist runs his hands back through his hair and suddenly produces a strange, ancient Egyptian hat (that bowling pin pharaoh's hat that represents the north and south). The Jackal leaps at them and as the original Illusionist digs into the hat, the new Illusionist leaps at the Jackal, blowing something into a closed fist. Dust blasts into the Jackal's eyes and the blinded beast rams right through the wall! But this isn't enough to stop the monster, it turns around and begins to cough. A FUCKING FLAMING HAIRBALL BOUNCES OUT AND EXPLODES, FILLING THE ROOM WITH FIRE!!

"Tch...tch...tch...." Rasputin says, grinning from the ground.

"Ah, I found it," the original Illusionist says, and pulls at the hilt of what seems to be a small dagger. But he's having trouble. As the flames leap around and the Jackal prepares to attack again, the Illusionist tugs hard and a massive BATTLE AXE AS BIG AS THE ILLUSIONIST HIMSELF COMES OUT OF THE HAT! He stumbles backwards under its weight and the axe lodges in the ground. The new Illusionist shakes his head and rushes forward as the Jackal attempts to nip at him with his giant monster jackal teeth.

"Okay, on the count of three," the new Illusionist says. "One...two..."

But before they get a chance to get to three and lift, the Jackal lunges forward, flames spewing from its nostrils. The new Illusionist gets out of the way in time, but the original, in his rapidly weakening state, is knocked down and the monster begins tearing into him with teeth and claws, devouring him!

However, it suddenly stops moving, lifts its head in the air and yelps. Hundreds of bloody doves pour from it open mouth, swoop around the room and reform as the Illusionist next to the axe.

"Hold on a little more," the new Illusionist says. The original nods and both grab at the axe, lift it in the air, and bring it barreling down on the Jackal, cleaving its head right off! BUT THE HEAD IS STILL ALIVE AND FURIOUS! It bounds around the room, bitting and spitting out flaming blood and BITES RIGHT INTO THE ORIGINAL ILLUSIONIST, TEARING HIM IN HALF! before sliding along the ground and resting at the rising Rasputin's feet. The upper torso of the Illusionist falls to the ground, the lower plops over.

"I'm done," the upper half of the original Illusionist says to the new Illusionist. "I have one more trick, but you better get downstairs and give Vic back his body."

The new Illusionist nods, and races off to the back stairs.

"I want to show you something, Grigori," the dying Illusionist says. "This is one trick you won't find on any parchment. Not even in THE REAL BOOK OF THE DEAD."

Rasputin's eyes widen.

The Illusionist graps his right thumb with his left hand, and PULLS OFF THE TOP! Then he puts the thumb back together again! MAGIC IN ITS PUREST FORM!

Rasputin starts to laugh. "What is this? Is this the greatest trick of the Illusionist?"

The Illusionist gives a dangerous smile, and does the trick again. This time, however, a beam of light bursts from the area where the thumb was. And everything around the light begins to waiver.

"WH----" Rasputin can't finish because the light grows more intense, and instantly everything in the room melts into piles of silver glitter.

-------------------------------

Downstairs Imhotep releases his grasp and Vic falls to the ground in front of a strange sight. The Rapist Escapist is trapped in the MILLION DOLLAR ARM BAR OF GOLD, frozen, in front of a table where Kimchi and Nickola Tesla are playing a game of chess. A glass case surrounded by laser beams and other traps stands to the side of what appears to a storage room of some sort.

"Master!" Kimchi shouts, rising to his feet and knocking over the the board in the process (which was purposely done since he was losing very badly).

Vic falls into his servant's arms.

"Teacher," Tesla says. "I should have recognized you. Forgive me."

Vic just shakes his head. He feels very drained and can't remember anything from the last fifteen minutes.

"Victor..."Imhotep says, also weakly and more distant sounding than ever. "Destroy....PARCHMENT. I think....understand why...Baron wants..."

"Im..." Vic tries to speak.

"MASTER!" Kimchi begins to cry as Vic's eyes close. "WHAT'S WRONG?"

"Don't...let...him....get...."

"Papa..." Vic says. "My father, is he?"

"No, master. Mr. Tesla says he escaped a week ago."

"...damn."

"Victor..."

The ILLUSIONIST passes out in Kimchi's arms. The humble servant places him gently down on the ground.

At that moment the Escapist pulls, popping his arm out of the joint and slips out of the hold. He rushes over to the stairwell and rams his shoulder against the wall as he races away, popping it back into place. Kimchi races up the stairs after him.

"What's the use?" Tesla says. "My work is ruined. I will have to start all over again."

"No, you won't," the Dandy says. "Your effect evil efforts have ended." He quickly snaps Tesla's neck and then uses his body as a battering ram to break open a massive door at the side of the room. It doesn't work and Tesla's head explodes like a ripe melon. However, a single golden key falls out. The Dandy unlocks the door with the key and inside he finds what he wants.

"I have it," the Dandy says over his cellphone. "Pick us up."

"What's happened?" Kimchi shouts, pulling out a knife as he enters the room and seeing Tesla's dead body.

"He tried to kill the ILLUSIONIST," the Dandy says, placing the parchment into a leather case that he had all along but I forgot to mention.

"What?"

"I had to...do what I did to protect the potent performer the powerful Powers."

Kimchi walks over and check Vic. He's not certain if he trusts the Dandy, but his only thoughts are to get Vic to a hospital. He lost track of the Escapist as soon as he went upstairs. And what he saw up there scared him. Everything was gone.

The wind had blown away all the glitter.

---------------
OMG!!! WILL THE ILLUSIONIST BE OKAY IN TIME FOR THE NEXT BATTLE?!! WHAT WILL THE BARON DO WITH THE PARCHMENT RETRIEVED FROM TESLA!?

Check soon for the next exciting adventure of THE ILLUSIONIST!!

[Action Hank]

EPILOGUE:

The Rapist Escapist runs up the stairs and suddenly finds himself outside at the peak of Mount Crystal Washington. All that's left of the Quartz tower is a light frosting of silver glitter.

"What in the---"

He stumbles against a strong gust of wind as the last remnants of the tower are carried over the mountains. He holds his sore arm and wanders with the wind down the path. In the distance to the west he can make out the lights of Jew York City---which was a place once called Lake Placid. To the south-east, he can see the beginnings of Boston. Mr. Sinistar had connections in Jew York City, so that was the direction that the Escapist headed. He trips over something.

It's a mouth.

"K," it says. "I failed, K. His powers were too great."

The Escapist bends down and picks up the mouth.

"Teacher?"

"K, he was right. My body could not take the illusion. Over 100 years ago, I discovered a piece of PARCHMENT---a page from the BOOK OF THE DEAD, in ruins by the Black Sea. It revealed truths I had never imagined---and lead me to Egypt---and to him."

"Teacher, regenerate! Teacher!"

"I thought I had gone mad, but if only that were so. He, the Illusionist, took me under his guidance. He taught me things about our world that you couldn't believe. But I was vain, and after a while, tempted by his tricks, I built THE MACHINE."

"Please, teacher. How?"

"Magic---science, it's all the same you see. As a boy I was always fond of both. The machine was a way of allowing me to pursue both at once. HE had designed it 1000s of years ago, and I had the hubris to build it despite his warnings. And that's how I created the thief. That was the day that Nikola Tesla became two."

The Escapist looks back up at where the tower once stood and sees the figure of Kimchi rise from the stairwell.

"That thief. He found a way of taking HIM from me. It took him many years, and I was forced to hide under this guise---this RASPUTIN. He had stolen the PARCHMENT. Yes, I had HIM, but HE was angry at me for building the machine and did not teach me more. I was left helpless. I spent years studying all I could find. When I finally faced that FALSE TESLA, he somehow managed to STEAL HIM AWAY FROM ME AS WELL! After, I bound my heart, bound the beast into my body. I used the Russian royalty to get the resources I needed. When I made my move on that FAKE years later, I was surprised to learn that HE had left him."

"I don't understand."

Kimchi's figure vanishes back down the stairs.

"HIM! The---Illusionist."

"Teacher, Vic Powers?"

"No. Imhotep."

And as the mouth speaks the name, it melts away into silver glitter and is carried away on the wind.

"Imhotep!"

[Action Hank]

I think this one promo round for me ended up being too long-winded. If anyone wants a quick summary, let me know and I'll just post it.

[Vinny]

I would've posted but I haven't read your promos yet. I MEAN, I WILL, I just haven't had the time after writing a billion goddamned pages of my own promos.

So keep it up!

[Action Hank]

I don't think even I read all my promos yet this time.