Dragon Ball Z Uncensored

[Spamdini]

First, the aftermath

Uncle Slam and Reverend Sykes walk through the scorching desert of Gay Man's Land on their way back to Nouveau Richonia. Most of Sykes' followers were slain in a brief and embarrassing battles with Zeed's forces as they approached Castlevania. The survivors headed back to Nouveau Richonia ahead of Church & State, but were denied entry due to their lack of money and were subsequently destroyed by the hi-tech border guards. Sykes remained optimistic.

"Our men lay in the loving hands of God! They have found eternal peace and it is my curse to have to continue without them. My prayers go to their souls and I assure that I will be with them once my time on this Earth has came to its end!"

"I'm surprised it hasn't come to an end yet, the way we always lose," Uncle Slam sighs. "At this rate, restoring America is going to take a hundred years!"

"Worry not, my brother!" Sykes says encouragingly. "We shall pave the road to Heaven with the bodies of our foes!"

"What does that mean? That doesn't help America out."

"Sin and blasphemy must be eliminated before we can consider such petty things! Come, let us make haste back home so that we may find our next converts!"

Uncle Slam nods. "Ok, I understand"

With a lightning-fast flash, Uncle Slam uses his Stars and Stripes Slash to slice open Sykes' chest. Another half an inch and he would have been a dead man! The reverend falls to one knee and hold his chest, which gushes with an orgy of blood.

"D...devil!" he cries. "You dare betray me?!"

Uncle Slam takes careful steps towards the wounded Sykes. "I thought you would be useful in fulfilling our ultimate plan. Your charisma and fighting talents were caught our attention and we were able to forgive your...strong willed nature for only so long. However, it is clear that the President was right all along. You must be dealt with."

"President?"

"I apologize, Zeebo. However, the KATN Project must be carried out without a hitch."

Sykes, who was playing possum, grabs Uncle Slam and jumps high up in the air. HE HAS HIM IN THE HOLY DRIVER! In spite of being placed in the hold, Uncle Slam is not worried in the least.

"Heh!" Uncle Slam laughs. "The Holy Driver, the Holier Driver; nothing compared to the ultimate wrestling hold. Crafted by our founding fathers, face...THE HOLIEST DRIVER!"

............

Nighttime rain pours down on a dusty desert plain. Lightning flashes, showing Uncle Slam talking on his cellular phone.

"It's Agent Slam. How are you doing...Mr. President?"

...

"Thank you. I am calling to report that Sykes has been terminated. The KATN Project is underway once more."

...

"Thank you sir! Your praise means a great deal to me. And I apologize for not carrying out the plan sooner. I shall be heading home ASAP. However, I must make a detour."

...


"Yes, that's right sir. Von Toity would most likely not be very welcoming given that I just killed one of his top warriors. I must head back south through Neo New Mexico first. The Holy Lightning Empire is crumbling and it may be difficult to maneuver. Communications will be cut off till then. Over and out...Mr. President!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In an outhouse in Buttfuck Bayou, two inbred hicks with missing teeth and overalls scratch their balls. One of them is bigger and apparently has Down's Syndrome or something.

"Duuuuuh, hey Jacob," the big retard says in a dumbass southern drawl. "Whose was on that phone there?"

"Dammit Henry!" the smaller one shouts, smacking the retard with a dead raccoon. "What does I always tell yaz? You gots ta calls me Mr. President! Jus' like how is the Vice-President now, remembers?"

"Ahyuck! I, duuuuuuuuuh, forgot! I'm the vice-prezeeden'!"

"T'was Agent Slam! He killed the preacher nigger!"

"Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! Uncky Slam killed a nigger!"

"Agent Slam you dumb fuck!" He smacks Henry again. "Now he's coming home and helping us with our Kill All The Niggers Project so the Confederacy of America can be all nice 'n purty like it used ta!"

But just then, a gang of murderous assholes with unicorn horns comes by and kills both the rednecks.

[Vinny]

Hahahaha!

[Action Hank]

Awesome

[Big Fagot]

The shit has been vigorously fucked out of my asshole by machine guns.

[Spamdini]

King Hoity von Toity sits at a solid diamond desk on the top floor of the newly built FTUW Tower in Branson, Missouri. The league, having just been re-established in the wake of Caligula's demise, is already in the process of putting together its first event using many of the former competitors from the former Holy Lightning Empire deathmatches.

"What makes you think these freaks will want to fight for you?" Charles Artemis asks cynically. He is none too fond of the idea of FTUW's return given that it will likely encroach on his Ring of Rage promotion. King von Toity is aware of this.

"Charles my good man, worry not! My first act as new FTUW owner is to name you commissioner of the league. I'll hand over Ring of Rage duties to another skilled employee. As for the implication that Caligula's former dogs would not be interested in competing, you must surely be out of touch with your fellow fighters. FTUW has always been where the strongest man in the world is decided!"

Von Toity points out the window to the front of the FTUW building where titanic statues of Handsomus R. Awesome, Theldorrin XIV, Guan Fei and Robert McCoy are errected, with James Brock McHarris giving a thousand men the Stone Cold Stunner simultaneously being the biggest and most imposing statue.

"I have invited all of the competitors from Elegy of Extinction to fight in the inaugural FTUW pay-per-view event. Most of them will attend and Wilson is recruiting others as we speak. Ah, speak of the devil!"

Wilson P. Hickenbottom walks into the office, pushing his glasses up and keeping his usual no-nonsense demeanor. "Sir, it seems as if Uncle Slam has murdered Reverend Sykes. Slam escaped southward before we could apprehend him."

Von Toity waves his hand dismissively. "Forget about him! Saves me the trouble of hunting down Sykes and eliminating him. He was too unstable. I take it you've found a replacement as Nouveau-Richonia's representative?"

"Yes sir!" Wilson opens a file. "His name is Jake Callaghan, sir."

Von Toity scratches his chin upon hearing this. "Hmm...that name seems familiar."

"He's a well-known detective in Branson. He is famous for his deductive exploits, but even better known within the department for his extraordinary fighting ability."

Von Toity smiles. "Well, let's give him a shot then. Besides, he's fairly inconsequential. I've already got The Illusionist in my pocket and FTUW is reborn under my auspices. I'm sure we can crush Kanzaki easily with two FTUW wrestlers under my wing."

Just then, a random Nouveau-Richonian soldier bursts through the door.

"S-sir! We found it! It was in the ruins of Castlevania!"

The soldier presents a black case to King von Toity, who opens it anxiously.

"Heh heh heh, make that three wrestlers!"

[Spamdini]

Ace Callaghan has been changed to Jake Callaghan to avoid any Ace Callaghan/Ace Kendo confusion that might occur.

[Vinny]

I thought that was the point!

[Big Fagot]

Yeah, me too.

[Spamdini]

The night is rainy as a beat up Ford Mustang rolls up to the Five Powerbombs Casino in downtown Branson. The door opens and out comes none other than the famous detective Jake Callaghan. The call girls swoon upon seeing the handsome specimen of manliness.

"You guys are sick!" one of the call girl snorts, puffing on a cigarette.

Callaghan walks into the casino, shaking the rain off of his longish auburn hair. He lights a cigarette and walks up to the room where the crime took place. Dozens of Branson's finest are scrambling around, taking pictures, dusting for prints, all the usual cop stuff. The gruff sergeant on the scene of the crime grunts upon seeing the meddling Detective Callaghan. The bastard always gets the man, even after his men put all sorts of hard work into getting off their tushes and dragging their sagging behinds across town to crime scenes.

"Victim was a waitress at the casino," the sergeant grumbles. "She was murdered by a two stab wounds to each of her tits. Unfortunately, God made the left tit awful close to the heart and she lost more than her perky jugs. Time of death was estimated to have been about 9 o'clock." Callaghan stamps his cigarette out on the ground. The sergeant looks at him curiously. "Doesn't that hurt?"

"Doesn't matter," Callaghan says with a smile that is most unbecoming of a murder scene. He examines the tape outline and the blood spatter on the ground. "I hear you've already apprehended a suspect."

The sergeant puffs out his chest and grins widely. "That's right! Looks like you weren't quite fast enough this time, star detective! Bastard worked here too. He's a busboy who works the Ring of Rage skyboxes, taking away the slovenly messes left behind by goon lords and rich assholes. The waitress worked the casino floor and earned considerable tip money from the horny gamblers who enjoy playing grabass." He lifts the dead girl's skirt and drools perversely. "See? She even developed ass calluses."

The detective barely even looks as he lights up a new cigarette. "That's fascinating, but do stick to the facts pertaining to the case, will you?"

"Right right. Well, the suspect's name is Pat Hetic. We think he murdered the victim for her night's tips as well as to act out his sexual frustration. That would explain why her rack was all mangled up. We found $500 in his pockets. The bills are crumbled up like what would be thrown at a whorishly dressed waitress. We still haven't found the murder weapon, but a sword was missing from the Ring of Rage armory. He must have taken it to kill the girl and disposed of it somewhere. Our men are coming the place, but it's an open-and-shut case."

"Pardon me sergeant," Detective Callaghan says smugly, "but I hardly see what's so open-and-shut. Everything you've said is 'we think' or 'he must have'. There's no solid evidence that Mr. Hetic is the murderer. A judge might not like that."

"Heh heh heh, I knew you'd say that you arrogant bastard! But you forgot the most important part of conducting an investigation! And that's finding witnesses!"

Callaghan raises an eyebrow. "So you have a witness?"

"Of course we do!" The sergeant whips a donut at one of his men. "Hey you! Get the witness over here!"

A minute later, the cop returns with an eight-foot beast of a man. His hair is gelled and cut so that it looks like he has a bull's horns. A gold title belt adorns his waist and various championship rings sparkle on his sausage-sized fingers. The sergeant clears his throat and prepares to introduce the witness, but Detective Callaghan interrupts him before he can.

"Mr. Bullcock, I assume? You've made quite a name for yourself as the Ring of Rage champion. May I ask if I shall see you competing when King von Toity's FTUW promotion begins?"

Bullcock laughs. "As if I'd lower myself to the level of a WRESTLER!"

"I see. In that case, tell me exactly what you saw."

"Of course detective! I saw that runt over there kill the poor hot babe!" He points to Pat Hetic who is being worked over by cops with clubs. Not the clubs that cops usually have but big wooden ones like you see ogres wield. "I was coming out of the locker room after having defended my title against Jeremy the Meek. Little asshole was a dangerous son of a bitch, but I was able to fuck his brains out of his skull!"

The detective laughs. "Guess I see why they call you Bullcock!"

"What? No you sick fuck! I used my fist through one of his eye sockets! Jesus Christ, as if I'd let my dick be anywhere near some dude's body! Christfuck!"

"No need to be so upset, Mr. Bullcock. I was merely making a joke. Please continue."

Bullcock regains his composure and carries on with his story. "Well, the match ended at 8:45 or so. I came out of the locker room at about 9:30 after showering and fucking my adoring female fans till I was exhausted. That's when I looked into the hallway to the laundry room and saw THAT GUY stabbing this chick with a long knife with a curvy blade. I shouted at him to get him to stop, but he ran away real quick. Took the knife with him too. Don't know what he could have done with it."

Detective Callaghan takes one last puff from his cigarette before putting it out. "Hmm...so you didn't chase him?"

"I told you, I was tired. Besides I'm built for power, not speed."

"Fair enough. So what did you do after that?"

"Well," Bullcock continues, "I ran to my dressing room and called the police. And that's about it."

"We got the call at about 9:35," the sergeant adds. "The description of the blade matches that of the missing sword. It was 20-inch ceremonial sword with a curved edge."

"Yeah, right, sword!" Bullcock says with a tinge of nervousness. Callaghan cocks an eyebrow.

"Mr. Bullcock, you say that you witnessed the crime at 9:30. However, the sergeant informed me earlier that the murder took place at 9:00. How do you explain the half an hour discrepancy?"

Bullcock looks a little flustered. "W...well, what difference does a half hour make? I mean, I'm sure I came out at 9:30 and your sergeant did say that I called at 9:35!"

The sergeant rubs his head and sighs. "You know that our equipment hasn't been reliable since the apocalypse. Frankly, I just use the stuff to have something to write on reports, but I wouldn't trust those weenies in the labs for a second."

"Hm..." Callaghan mutters. "When describing the weapon earlier, you said it was a knife. But it was a sword that was missing from the armory."

"I made a mistake! I meant to say sword."

"Makes sense. A big guy like you, I bet that sword would probably looked like a knife to you."

Bullcock starts laughing again, sweat starting to form on his brow "Y...yeah! That must be it! It was so tiny, I thought it was a knife!"

"Did you hold it?" Callaghan asks.

"What? No, of course not! I told you, the runt ran off with it!"

"I just find that a bit odd. Sure, the sword would look tiny in your hand, but if Mr. Hetic was carrying it then it would look rather large. Hard to mistake for a knife, don't you think?"

Bullcock's eyes shoot open. He wrings his hands as more sweat pours down his brow. "A...ahaha...well I am a Ring of Rage fighter. I've held the sword before. I recognized it as the thing I always thought was a knife. I figured the guy was so puny that even a knife would look big compared to him! Aheheheh..."

Callaghan grins and turns to the sergeant. "By the way, what do you think about the stab wounds?"

The sergeant looks at the girl's mangled breasts and turns away in disgust. "Yuck, it's a travesty! We'll see that the little punk gets the flaming guillotine for this!"

"Yes, it is a travesty, but don't you think that the wounds are a little odd?"

"How so?" asks the sergeant.

Callaghan smiles. "Isn't it obvious?"

"C'mon, throw me a bone here! Uh...pardon the pun."

"Ha ha, no problem. Well, how about the circular shape of the wound? That is hardly consistent with a sword stab. More like it was stabbed with a polearm, or perhaps a horn or drill?"

Bullcock sweats harder. The sergeant shakes his head in disgust. "The bastard not only stabbed her with the sword, he must have also spun it around in her."

"Eheheh..." Bullcock stammers. "Yeah, I didn't mention that earlier, but that's what he did! He spun the sword like a drill!"

Just then, an officer barges in on the scene. "Sir! We've found the sword! It was hidden in a far off garbage bin."

"Told ya!" Bullcock shouts.

The officer brings the sword to his superiors. The sergeant grins like a child at Christmas and turns to his rival. "Well there, Detective! Seems as if there's fresh blood on it! Seems as if the case is closed."

But Callaghan is so pleased that he even lets his tongue hang out his mouth. He blushes and regains his composure. "Ha ha, you're right! The case is closed! Let us arrest Mr. Bullcock for the murder of the waitress." Both the sergeant and Bullcock look incredibly shocked.

"W...what?! But I'm the witness!" Bullcock screams, his fist clenched and trembling.

"That's right, Callaghan! You'd better have a damn good explanation for this accusation!"

Callaghan paces around the body and the bloody weapon on the ground. "Very well. You see, a normal sword like a knight's sword is perfectly symmetrical. If you stabbed someone with it and spun the blade around on the inside, it would create a circular wound. However this blade, though rather thin, is curved. Think of a compass like the one that you used in school to draw circles. The size of the wound would effectively double and the blade pivoted on its point! The wounds on the victim are too small to be the result of the blade spinning around!"

Bullcock is now nearly drowning in sweat. "B...but I swear!" he stammers incredulously. "That's what I saw!"

"You don't seem to be very clear on the facts, Mr. Bullcock. All of the other weapons in the armory have been accounted for and there are no traces of blood. So I get to thinking, what else could have been used to stab the victim?"

Bullcock bites his nails until he starts biting into bone. The sergeant is still clueless. "You know," Callaghan continues, "I consider myself a rather big fighting fan. I keep up to date on all the important fighters. I happen to know that you're famous for your cock strength. You've even showed off by stabbing holes in punching bags with it. Sir, would you find dropping your drawers?"

"N...NOOOOOOOOO!" Bullcock screams as he punches himself in the face repeatedly. Callaghan yanks down Bullcock's pants and they see his massive member...COVERED IN BLOOD!!!

"Men, arrest him!" Callaghan orders smugly.

"NOW JUST YOU WAIT!" Bullcock shouts as he slowly regains his composure. "This isn't the victim's blood! If you're such a big fan, you know that I never wear pants in the ring. Everyone must gander at my glorious bullcock!"

"Your point?"

Bullcock's face turns back to normal. He readjusts his hair horns which had begun to sag from all the sweat. "This blood came from today's match. I got blood all over my body, even my cock! Look at my stomach, you can see blood there too! My arms too! Even a little bit on my face! I didn't shower after my match and I can prove it! You see, you have to sign in and out of the shower room here. There were too many cases of shower rape and so this system keeps track of everyone going in and out. You'll notice that my name isn't on it after my match! So the blood belonged to the cock I fucked in the ring, not from my cock fucking a ring-shaped hole into some cunt!"

The sergeant raises a fat angry finger at Callaghan. "How dare you go around blaming innocent people! Wait till the captain hears about this!"

Callaghan remains calm, however. "Good point. That blood all over your body surely came from the unfortunate Jeremy the Meek."

"Ha! Exactly! So now I'm gonna get out of here away from you crazy assholes!"

"One more thing, Mr. Bullcock," Callaghan adds. "It is well known that you do not wear pants to the ring. However, is it not equally well known that you also wear several layers of condoms out of fear of getting man blood on your pecker?"

Bullcock's face turns back into a panic. "W...well...I don't think I put them on today."

Callaghan waves a passionate limb directly towards Bullcock. "I find that ridiculous given your insane fear of your prized penis coming in contact with anything man-related. I'm sure someone who saw the match would be able to tell me if you had your condoms on!"

Bullcock's face is bright red with veins bulging everywhere, even places that shouldn't have veins. "T...Then the blood's from someone else! You can't prove it was from THAT bitch!"

"Oh I can!" The detective pulls out a registry. "These are the shower room records that you referred to earlier. True, you didn't go in after your match, but if you'll look here at 8:30 PM you will see your signature clearly inked in. You took a shower before your match!"

"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"So tell me...HOW DID YOU GET BLOOD ON YOUR PENIS BETWEEN YOUR SHOWER AND NOW?!"

"I...It...she...I mean...her...tits...cock...fuck..." Bullcock's face turns purple. He flashes back to his memories of tearing off the waitress' clothes and using his immense cock to drill holes into her chest and fuck her new orifices over and over. "FUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!"

Bullcock lunges straight at Detective Callaghan, foaming at the mouth and looking like some sort of monster. A humongous meaty fist is swung straight at the detective, but all he does in return is snicker. Before he knows it, Bullcock is launched 50 feet in the air, colliding with the ceiling. As he tumbles down, Callaghan grabs him and puts him in the TORTURE RACK. He uses one enormous and muscular paw to pull down on Bullcock's neck while the other pulls down on his legs. Callaghan continues to pull until Bullcock RIPS RIGHT IN HALF! The top half gurgles and thrashes around, looking for his prized genitals which lie five feet away, attached to his former lower half.

"Get that man medical attention!" the detective barks to his men. "Then have him arrested and put on trial for murder! I want him to face justice!"

Callaghan walks back to his car and drives away while the sergeant curses. A voice-over by Callaghan informs us why Bullcock did it.

"Bullcock was very proud of his penis and would show it off at every opportunity. Truth be told though, women were afraid of his cock. Though he would often invite women back to his dressing room after giving them a mighty show, they were afraid of what his powerful member would do to their pussies. In spite of being a famous champion, he couldn't even get laid by prostitutes. This was coupled with the fact that the return of FTUW would make his stature as Ring of Rage champion essentially obsolete. And so one day he finally took out all of his frustration, sexual and otherwise, on a waitress that happened to walk by after a match. He tried framing the busboy, who had made hundreds of dollars in tips that night by servicing 90 year old baronesses. And so he took a smallish sword, which he thought was a knife, and dipped it in the victim's blood. Then he searched the building for a good place to hide it so that it would look like the confused murderer covered his tracks. That's why it took over half-an-hour to call the police. Another mystery solved and another night of paperwork for Detective Jake Callaghan!"







Oh, did I mention that Jake Callaghan is also a DOG?!

[Vinny]

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!

[Vinny]

Also, I'm going to put on Phoenix Wright music every time I read one of your promos from now on.

[Big Fagot]

Spamdini is terrifying.

[Spamdini]

Kyo ho ho!

[Captain PUNisher]

I found some other inconsistencies with Bullcock's story, but the case is already closed.
_________________
Said the Captain PUNisher.

[Spamdini]

I'm going to stop reading textbooks for school and focus solely on reading tons of Sherlock Holmes from now on.

[Rice]

Your PP likely grants you some kind of unearthly power.

[Captain PUNisher]

If you havn't reread the Jake Callahan promo yet, you really should. It's better the second time and now I'm surrprised that I didn't figure things out sooner.
_________________
Said the Captain PUNisher.

[Action Hank]

Spamdini's excellent work finally led me to buy, play, and enjoy Phoenix Wright.

[Spamdini]

I really don't know how to top this. I think I screwed myself over.

[Captain PUNisher]

You'll probably have to change him into another animal.
_________________
Said the Captain PUNisher.