Dragon Ball Z Uncensored

[Vinny]

Almost one year after the events of Death Race 2007.

A bloody red sun rises up over the ocean, casting a glow on the black monoliths that sealed off the world that fell into ruin. Waves crash against the structure futilely, the waters surrounding what has become known as the “cancer of Earth” no longer teeming with life. In the midst of this sullen darkness is a single rickety boat, a man clad in a tattered jacket the only passenger. A white cap is pulled down over his eyes to shield them from the sun, the man standing immobile as he gazes upon the wall impeding his journey. His white clothing, dulled by the harsh conditions he has faced in his travels, contrasts sharply with the towering blackness.

”What a pain in the ass …” he mutters, pulling the bill down on his hat.

One day later, a sentry positioned on one of these nearly mile tall walls enclosing America walks across a catwalk, his assault rifle resting on his shoulder as he finishes off a cigarette. A sharp wind brushes by, nearly knocking him off the wall, a fall that would surely be fatal.

He rubs his arms for warmth before unzipping his pants to piss. As he drops his stream into the ocean, a massive flock of birds rushes out, appearing seemingly from the wall itself! The guard falls backwards and pisses all over himself embarrassingly. As the flock rushes off into the sunrise, he slides down a ladder to investigate where the birds came from.

“I-Impossible!”

Several hours later nearly a dozen men are at the scene. A hole, 5 feet tall and 4 feet in diameter, has penetrated through forty feet of steel to reach the other side of the wall. The soldiers rub the their hands across the unnatural grooves of the walls, deducing this was made by no machine.

“Over here, sir!” one soldier cries. Some tough looking asshole with a big mustache steps through the hole and stands behind the man. The young sentry raises up his thumbs and index finger, revealing a rust-colored powder smeared on the tips.

“What the hell is that?” asked the tough asshole.

“Blood, sir …”

The sun pours through the hole bored in the wall, silhouetting the men against the ruins of California in the background. It looks pretty cool.

FTUW ~THE SECOND PHASE~
Sidestory: The Man Who Discovered Pro Wrestling

Chapter One: The Other World

“Whaaaaaat?! Is this really all of it?!”

A mother and child tremble in their dirty rags, their lips salivating, as a pile of meat and bread taller than them is set before them. Villagers crowd around the meat, on their knees, trembling in fear while saliva leeks out of the corners of their mouths. A mammoth, hairy paw dips into bounty and scoops up several pounds of food. The hand carries it to a hideous, scarred head sitting on a giant blob of a body. Bones snap and blood squirts as he dines, a dozen mohawked goons wearing animal furs and random car parts. The poor village of El Tigreville has been invaded by these monsters, their last supplies of food offered up as a "tribute" to the wandering gang. The one ton beast is Bear-Raper, and he is one of the many who rule this LAWLESS LAND.

The child in the previous paragraph leans forward, reaching for a raw chicken leg to help stave off his fatal hunger. As his tiny fingers touch the salmonella-drenched flesh, his mother jerks him back, but it’s too late. Bear-Raper’s TITANTIC JAWS crunch down on the child’s fingers, tearing them from his hand and sucking them down with the rest of the meat. The mother embraces her son as he screams, blood gushing from the WOUND.

“Gah hah hah! Looks like he won’t be able to tend to the fields anymore!” one fucking dick laughs as he scratches his balls with a severed hand.

“Ahhh! That’s right!” another goon with a colander partially melted into his face replies, “If he can’t tend to the fields, he can’t serve the master! And if he can’t serve the master, he’s useless!”

The child continues to bawl as the mother begins to plead for her son’s safety.

“N-No! I’ll do twice the work! P-Please, don’t …” but she stops because SHE GETS a BOOT in the FUCKING FACE. Another grinning dick grinds his heel into her forehead as the villagers watch on, unable to help her. The goon then whips out his dick and wags it at her as a further act of humiliation.

“Oh, all he’s good for is to fill up master’s belly!” a bald, snaggle-toothed asshole with a hubcap for a codpiece howls. They begin passing the wounded child from ONE GOON to the OTHER, finally leaping him on top of the food pile. Bear-Raper, too OCCUPIED with his meal, doesn’t even notice the young boy sitting on top. The mother SCREAMS some more as Bear-Raper plucks him from the TOP. He brings him to his LIPS and with one CHOMP, BLOOD EJACULATES through the AIR.

“W-What the FUCK?!” a GOON CRIES. A SHADOWY FIGURE lands SOFTLY on the barren ground behind Bear-Raper, the wounded child in his arms.

“M-My child!” the woman shouts. The goons TURN BACK to Bear-Raper and see that he’s EATEN his OWN GODDAMNED HAND.

"I-IT CAN'T BEEE!" a goon with half of a buzzsaw blade glued to the top of his head SHITS in DISBELIEF.

“WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!” another GOON SPITS, whipping out TWIN HATCHETS.

The man tears a piece of cloth from his jacket and applies a tourniquet to the child’s wrist. This is the very white-clad man from earlier, now within the realm of post-apocalyptic America. His torn jacket flutters in the dusty wind, his rent white cap, inlaid with gold, obscuring his eyes.

”I don’t give my name to trash …” he replies coldly.

“WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU SAAAAAAAY?!” the GOON whips out FOUR MORE HATCHETS in RESPONSE, despite only having two hands to wield them all. Another one of these pricks yanks out a MANUAL CHAINSAW, comprised of wood, reeds, and rows of DOG TEETH. One guy has a ammo-less rifle but with a rabid coyote attached to the end to act as a BAYONET.

The rest of Bear-Raper’s gang draw their weapons and charge, HOWLING WILDLY, as the man in white remains motionless.

“EAAAAT OUR SHIT, BAAAASTARD!” ONE GOON YELLS. The man in the jacket passes through them effortlessly, gracefully sliding between the assembled group while avoiding their wild and furious attacks. SUDDENLY, the weapons fly from their hands and whip through the air, heading towards the man in white. The weapons pass him and then quickly fall to the ground, leaving the gang stunned.

“H-HOW IN THE … ?!” one GOON QUIVERS, shooting sweat out of his goddamned pores.

“O-Our weapons! We don’t have them anymore!” another goon shakes in fear.

A man wearing a necklace made of eyeballs NOTICES something far more TERRIBLE. A tingle shoots through his neck, growing more intense with each passing moment. Bringing his hand to his CAROTID ARTERY, a small bit of blood drips onto his index finger. Immense pressure SURGES through his neck and BLOOD starts to SPEW from a small NICK on his NECK.

“H-HEEELP!!” HE SCREAMS. THE GOONS RUSH TOWARDS HIM BUT THEIR BLOOD, TOO, STARTS TO FLY THE FUCK OUT OF THEIR BODIES. But it isn’t just spraying, NO, the BLOOD ITSELF is SOARING. Streams of blood JET THROUGH THE AIR and SURROUND the MAN IN THE WHITE JACKET, encircling him, the STREAMS OF RED moving as if they were ALIVE. Then suddenly the blood falls to the parched soil, and the GOONS FALL shortly AFTER.

THE MAN takes the WOUNDED BOY and hands him to his mother. The woman, her eyes filled with TEARS OF HAPPINESS, quickly becomes afraid as the immense GANG BOSS rises UP BEHIND the WHITE CLAD MAN. His meal finished, Bear-Raper STIRS, his many chins jiggling and his FUR-COVERED BELLY QUAKING as he STANDS. The heap of meat and bread is gone and Bear-Raper’s left hand is barely together, several chunks torn out by accident during his FEEDING. Despite this, a soft SMILE can be seen through the thick, black beard, several animal bones entangled in the nest of hair. BEAR-RAPER GRINS A BLOODY GRIN.

“You … look strong …” Bear-Raper bellows BEFORE DROPPING a HUMONGOUS ARM on top of the JACKETED MAN. ROCKS and DUST are KICKED UP from the force, THE MAN in WHITE skidding backwards on his heels as if he were hit by a strong WIND. A few GOON CORPSES are smashed to BEAR-RAPERS FATTY ARM from the attack. He notices this and takes the time to LICK the MEAT dangling from the underside of his FOREARM.

However, THE WHITE-CLAD WARRIOR WASTES NO TIME and SNAPS FORWARD like a bullet towards BEAR-RAPER. He DRIVES a series of PUCNHES and KICKS into Bear-Raper’s humongous frame. Unfortunately, they have NO EFFECT as RAPER's RIPPLING FAT absorbs the blows easily. THE MAMMOTH ASSHOLE swings his arm in a HORIZONTAL ARC, bringing a STORM of DIRT and ROCKS ALONG WITH IT. The MAN DODGES but the ARM CONTINUES, heading straight for the mother and her son!

“Tch,” the man frowns. He grunts loudly and CLAPS HIS FISTS TOGETHER. A deadly AURA distorts the area around him for a brief moment, creating a hazy wave of heat. Then suddenly, just as his HANDS PART, dust is swallowed into the empty space. Raper's LIMB SLOWS before COLLIDING with the mother and child, bringing no harm to them! His eyes widen as his ARM is pulled back FURTHER towards the EMPTY SPACE until he begins SPINNING out of CONTROL on his ass.

“What was that … ?” he ponders. BUT THE WHITE-CLAD WARRIOR is ON HIM before he can THINK FURTHER. The man aims a single finger at RAPER before PLUNGING IT INTO HIS FAT GUT. He steps back, yanking the finger from the ROLLS, and BEAR-RAPER LAUGHS in RESPONSE.

“Gah hah hah! My hide is as TOUGH as STEEL! Do you think you can challenge me with only ONE FI-“ HE STOPS. Looking down, he NOTICES his SKIN TWISTING AROUND at the VERY SPOT the man had touched. “W-What is this … ?”

A SINGLE DROP OF BLOOD APPEARS. THE BLOOD VESSELS IN RAPER'S EYES BURST as his EYES SINK INSIDE HIS HEAD. He gags and wretches violently as THE MAN IN WHITE remains motionless. A huge surge of HEAT rushes from RAPER'S CHEST into his extremities, INTENSE PAIN FOLLOWING IT.

"P-PLEASE S-STOP ... H-HELP ME ... !" RAPER PLEADS AS BLOOD SHOOTS FROM HIS TEARDUCTS AND VOMIT LEAKS FROM HIS MOUTH, "I ... I was just h-hungryyy.... I'll give ... ALL THE FOOD BACK ... just ... HELP ... ME ... the foood ... !"

HIS GUT SWELLS UP EVEN FURTHER AS LARGE BULGES SURFACE ON THE POINT THE MAN STRUCK. INSTANTLY, EVERY SINGLE ONE OF RAPER'S FUCKING ORGANS BORES OUT OF HIS BODY, AWASH IN A RIVER OF HIS BLOOD. SOON AFTER HIS BONES, THEN HIS MUSCLES, AND EVERYTHING INSIDE HIM FLIES UNTIL BEAR-RAPER DEFLATES INTO A SACK OF SKIN. The man in the tattered white jacket remains UNSOILED, the GUTS AND BONES AND SHIT whipping around him in a TORRENT OF VISCERA. Once the destruction is exhausted, a few drops of sweat cascade down the man's cheeks as he drops to one knee. He gazes at his bandage-wrapped hands, blood leaking through the already stained bandages. The white-clad warrior raises his head slightly as he hears footsteps approach.

“T-Thank you … for saving my child …” the mother weakly says, timid in front of the FORCE OF NATURE kneeling before her. He stands up, ADJUSTS HIS COLLAR, and walks off into the ROLLING DUST. The woman CHASES AFTER HIM, falling down after running a few steps since, of course, the weakest women somehow survive the apocalypse. She lifts her head and CRIES OUT TO THE STRANGER.

“Please … tell me your name!” THE MAN STOPS AND TURNS TO FACE HER, the SUN REVEALING HIS FEATURES. His face is that of a YOUNG JAPANESE MAN. His features are soft and beautiful and seem unaccustomed to battle. Despite this, HIS GAZE is that of a man who has known STRUGGLE and LOSS.

“I’m just someone trying to repent for his past weakness …” he mutters before turning away. This warrior was formerly known as The Burning Heart, Kanzaki Kenjiro.

[Vinny]

"W-What was that ...?" asks a gravel-voiced, middle-aged black man asks, his hands soaked in blood up the elbows. "What the hell did I just do?"

He gazes down at the corpse of a ten foot tall monstrosity lying in the crater before him, his face pierced repeatedly with knives (he did that himself) and a giant, steel girder jutting out from his chest (he didn't do that to himself), the monster's intestines wrapped tightly around the metal beam.

Then SUDDENLY, the black man drops to his knees into the blood, mud, and bullshit as TERRIBLE MEMORIES flash from the recesses of his mind. He is inundated with scenes of grisly murder and ravenous combat. But it's not like the combat he sees, that this world of ruin sees, day in and day out. It's different, somehow. It has a certain beauty that transcends the psychotic and senseless desecration of human life, there's honor and justice ingrained in the act itself. It's something otherworldly, an instrument of violence wielded by man but not created by him. It has always existed, just waiting to be discovered. It's ...

"Pro ... wrestling?" he mutters, looking at the hands that allowed him to deliver the fatal POWERBOMB that killed Chieftain Monster Truck of the San Francisco Blood Rapers.

FTUW ~THE SECOND PHASE~
Sidestory: The Man Who Discovered Pro Wrestling

Chapter Two: Prometheus Jones

A splash of blood stains Kanzaki Kenjiro's faded white slacks, inlaid with gold and adorned with all sorts of trinkets made of many precious metals, as he steps into a puddle. Kenjiro lowers his perpetually shaded face to the streams of blood running between muddy hills littered with crude weapons and body parts. This is aftermath of the Battle of Ball Sack Creek, an event that would set in motion events that would begin a new chapter in history.

"It's worse than I feared," Kenjiro spits, pulling down the white cap further over his eyes.

Kenjiro steps past numerous bodies of goons, mohawked and not, as he traverses the crimson wasteland. One combatant from the West Coast Warfuckers has had all his limbs ripped from his torso and shoved into his pre-existing skull holes. A man with light bulbs for eyes is hacking and wheezing in a ditch on Kenjiro's right, his inverted nutsack and testicles dangling out of his mouth, the result of when one guy uppercutted the shit out of his crotch. The Lieutenant of the Neo Californian Cock Rockers (they tear off their victim's dicks and string their guitars with them in honor of Handsomus R. Awesome) had devised a mask covered in power drills, however due to the lack of readily-available electricity in post-apocalyptic America the drills only ran for about 30 minutes and was immediately beaten to death afterwards.

The white-clad warrior marches amongst the dead, eventually coming across a corpse with an agony-wracked face. His death was, judging from the massive hole in his frame, due to his sternum being ripped open. As Kenjiro peers deeper into the darkness of the body, he notices the hole goes a lot farther than just his body.

Ga ga ga ga ga. Kenjiro notices an eye PEERING from the hole and then a quick gleam of LIGHT. A blade EMERGES like a FLASH of LIGHTNING from the GOON's HOLE, knocking Kenjiro's cap from his head as he barely manages to dodge the attack! From the goon's body emerges a blood-drenched, long-limbed freak wrapped in spiked bondage gear with kitchen knives glued to his hands. His main form of attacking is the massive spear jutting from his mouth, the bizarre man deep throating the weapon all the way into his stomach.

"GRYYYYYYYY!" the beast howls, his eyes rolling around in his emaciated head, "I'm Speaaarface and I'm glunna teaaar yoo tah shredssss!" Kenjiro doesn't respond but merely stands statuesque in front of the abomination. The spear-gagging monster notices a single drop of blood fall from Kenjiro's fist. Immediately after JOLTS OF PAIN shoot through Spearface's BODY. He looks down to see that the RIB CAGE of the slaughtered goon he was hiding in has CLAMPED DOWN ON HIS SIDES!

DO~ONG! The soon-to-be-dead goon writhes in pain, TRAPPED in the corpse cocoon he was standing in!

"H-How did you do thaaaat?!" he screams, trying to pry the ribs out of his ribs. Kenjiro REACHES FORWARD and grabs the tip of the spear jutting from his MAW. Placing his bandaged hands around the spearhead but not touching it, he concentrates as the goon shits himself in fear. Slowly, the spear begins to TWIST inside the BUSHWHACKER'S THROAT, and then it begins to pick up speed. Soon, it begins SPINNING at HIGH GODDAMNED SPEEDS while STILL IN THE MAN'S BODY!

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!" the monster HOWLS as blood CREEPS OUT OF HIS MOUTH. Kenjiro GRABS THE SPEAR and STOPS THE VIOLENT SPEEDING and, with ONE VISCERAL FLOURISH, yanks the SPEAR from the man's body, THE WEAPON WRAPPED IN ALL OF HIS INTERNAL ORGANS LIKE A GORESICLE!

Tossing away the man's insides, he turns his head to the horizon to see clouds of dust rising up into the sky.

"What a pain ..." he mutters.

The high-pitched squeals of goons can be heard as PROMETHEUS JONES runs for his life as two huge assholes on motorcycles chase after him, both wielding one handle of a pair of gigantic hedgeclippers. Prometheus Jones leaps over a pile of bodies but the goons merely CHOP THROUGH THOSE while continuing the chase. As the GUTS-SOAKED BLADES come CRASHING down on PROMETHEUS' NECK, Kenjiro appears like a WHITE FLASH, leaping over Prometheus, STOPPING THE HEDGECLIPPERS with his FOREARMS.

"Who the fuck ..." one goon murmurs. "Is he?" the other one finishes. The motorcycle dickheads STRUGGLE as HARD AS POSSIBLE but Kenjiro doesn't budge. Even the bolt holding the blades together begins to strain!

And with a quick movement, Kenjiro DROPS DOWN TO HIS KNEES and the blades CLOSE ABOVE HIM. However, the bolt SNAPS and the momentum continues to carry the blades in a circle until they chop the wielders in HALF!

As the goons scream blood, Kenjiro turns to the panting Prometheus.

"Are you o-" Kenjiro starts but is CUT OFF by a VICIOUS KICK to the gut! As the man known formerly as the Burning Heart buckles over, he sees Prometheus' back speeding towards him!

"This ... this is ... " Kenjiro thinks. Kenjiro BLOCKS the forearms closing in around his neck but he can't stop Prometheus' strength. KENJIRO'S head is VICIOUSLY SNAPPED DOWN into the DIRT with one of the most titantic of moves, THE STUNNER!

"Hahh ... hahh ..." Prometheus pants, looking over at the fallen Kenjiro, "I've killed again ..." However, this obviously isn't true and Kanzaki Kenjiro RISES UP from the MUD in one smooth motion. He cracks his neck and casts an ICY GLARE towards Prometheus!

"I-Impossible! That was-"

"Wrong. Your Stunner failed when I blocked your arms, severely reducing its power. At best it was a Diamond Cutter," Kenjiro replies, pulling a cigarette from his jacket.

Prometheus looks on in awe for a few moments before his LIPS curl up into a SMILE. "Heh heh, you're pretty good," Prometheus begins to chuckle under his breath. Kenjiro cocks an eyebrow in response. "Isn't that something. Alright then! I won't die in this hellish world without a fight!"

Suddenly, Prometheus takes a wide, bizarre stance. With an intense GROAN, the middle-aged black man's muscles begin to EXPAND, veins straining under his flesh. Instantly, the familiarity of the stance causes an image to flash to the forefront of Kanzaki Kenjiro's mind. It's the man known as Hulk Hogan!

"I guess it can't be helped ..." Kenjiro takes the cigarette from his mouth and tosses it into a man's eye socket. He brings his other hand from his pants pocket and raises his fists in front of his face. "If there's still a man who knows pro wrestling left in this world, I can't go easy on him!"

[Vinny]

Taking the stance of the Hulkster, Prometheus Jones takes on the warrior in white, Kanzaki Kenjiro!

Skrt ... Skrrt ... Skrrrt. Prometheus Jones SKIN STRAINS against his muscles as they bulge to incredible sizes. Kenjiro tightens his fists and raises them up to eye level.

"If there's still a man left in this world who knows pro wrestling, I can't go easy on him!" And with that, Kenjiro springs forward and hurls a FLURRY of fists into Jones' tightened guard. The impact forces Prometheus' to slide backwards on the blood and guts of asshole goons. Instantly, Prometheus springs forward and hurls a massive clothesline. FWOOOSH! Kenjiro holds onto his cap as the massive gust of air coming off Jones' fist kicks up detatched limbs behind them. Rapid-fire blows leave light bruises at best on Jones' retardedly muscular hide.

"Tch," Kenjiro frowns. Dashing forward, Kenjiro leaps into the air and EXECUTES a flying KICK. However, Prometheus bounds EFFORTLESSLY above KENJIRO, doing a split in mid-air to completely avoid the attack.

"LEAPU FROG!" Kenjiro gasps as he soars underneath Prometheus. The white-clad warrior's foot slams into the side an overturned jeep decorated with severed boobs. Before he can react PROMETHEUS SLAMS his back with a BODY SPLASH, his huge frame shocking the system of Kenjiro. A black paw grabs Kenjiro by the shoulder and spins him around, pressing him up against the crashed jeep.

"HNG!" JONES GROWLS, lifting his right arm into the arm. INSTANTLY, the arm BULGES up FURTHER until it's twice the size of his right. With Kenjiro reeling, he takes his leathery palm and delivers a VICIOUS CHOP to Kanzaki Kenjiro's chest!

"GRK!" Kenjiro grunts. His white shirt and his chest has been SLICED OPEN, a bit of blood splashing from the wound. JONES clenches his TEETH and continues wailing harder, adding more gashes to Kenjiro's frame. When Kenjiro grabs Jones' huge arm, Jones BRINGS KENJIRO ALONG WITH HIM and slams him into the ground.

"Show's over!" JONES shouts as he climbs on top of a pile of bodies. "ATOMIC LEG DROP!" Prometheus soars through the air, ready to crush every single bone in Kenjiro's body with his BEHEMOTH LEG!

FTUW ~THE SECOND PHASE~
Sidestory: The Man Who Discovered Pro Wrestling

Chapter Three: A Bloody History

Kanzaki Kenjiro lies on the ground, watching the absurdly muscular Prometheus Jones soar through the air, ready to deliver a surely fatal leg drop.

"W-What?!" JONES GASPS as leg rises further into air, pulled by an unseen force. As he falls, he slowly begins to turn upside down, his body pivoting around his foot! Kenjiro rolls onto his knees and BACKFLIPS HIGH INTO AIR.When the back of JONES' HEAD is parallel to the ground, Kenjiro finishes his mid-air rotation and uses the full momentum to drive a BLINDING KICK into JONES' FACE! Jones ROCKETS towards the BLOODY EARTH and is buried in the ground, complete with PLUME OF DUST.

KANZAKI SHIPPUKEN: NAKED FANG

"What a pain ..." Kenjiro spits out some blood as he adjusts his cap. The ground CRACKS OPEN and PROMETHEUS JONES rises up from the dirt, his face SMASHED IN by Kenjiro's Italian shoe. He hacks up some blood and drops to his knees, before finally admitting defeat.

"You win," Prometheus utters as his muscles decrease to their original size. Kenjiro walks up, shadows obscuring his eyes, and then EXTENDS a hand.

"I never wanted to fight you in the first place," he replies. "Now, tell me where you learned those techniques ..."

MOMENTS LATER, Kenjiro and Prometheus Jones sit in front of a bonfire, eating haunches of meat found in the backseat of Chieftain Monster Truck's monster truck, the Truckfuck. Jones tears meat from the bone while looking remorseful.

"It's been that way for awhile, you see. Everyone's forgotten about pro wrestling," Jones says, the burning fire illuminating his weathered face. "I don't know how it happened, or how it's even possible ... but they forgot about it all."

Kenjiro is unmoving, shadows over his eyes.

"I was a former professional wrestler during the 80's. I was called Prometheus the He-Man, and I mainly wrestled in the regional federations. I even tangled with Macho Man a few times ..." he smiles slightly, "but I wasn't anything special. Soon I faded into obscurity. I didn't think I'd ever have a chance to wrestle again ... but in desperation, when I accidentally powerbombed Monster Truck to death, it all came back to me in a flash. Countless memories of death and violence ... memories of THAT federation ..."

Another shot of Kenjiro with shadows over his eyes, unmoving, but this one is substantially longer.

"I feel like I've discovered something dark and powerful ..." Prometheus looks into his crusty, dried-blood covered mitts. Kenjiro suddenly rises up from his seat, casting an awesome shadow over Prometheus.

"You have ... something more terrible than you can imagine," Kenjiro adjusts his cap, "... if you incorrectly."

He looks out from on top of the hill onto the war-torn cities in the distance, the shrill cries of goons filling the night air.

"This land has fallen into incomprehensible and unwavering violence. The strong are feeding on the weak in this corrupt land, but if you can teach 'pro wrestling' to the weak, then perhaps ..." Kenjiro gazes on the horizon, an image of Bunzo flashing through his mind, "... then maybe a new sun can rise on his world."

"B-But how ..." Prometheus Jones asks, "Despite regaining my lost abilities, there's little chance I'll survive. There's demons out there, maybe even stronger than you."

"Is there a safe place you can go?"

"Well, there's one place. Washington D.C. is where I originally came from and they've been able to hold back the murders for awhile, but that's across the entire country. There's no way I can survive that journey."

"Then I'll take you," Kenjiro says dramatically.

"W-Why would you ... don't you realize what danger your putting yourself in?!"

"It's the least I can do, to right the wrongs I've committed ..."

ELSEWHERE, a group of men dressed in black uniforms investigates the aftermath of the Battle of Ball Sack Creek. One figure walks up to impaled corpse Chieftain Monster Truck's body. He kneels down in the mud and runs his smooth, metallic hand across his neck.

"All cervical vertebrae fractured ... point of impact squarely on neck ..." the man mutters. He tears the legs of the man's jeans off and runs the fingers surgically along the shins. "Bruises caused by fingers on the thighs ... there's no mistaking it," the man grins.

"Did you find anything, sir?" another man in black approaches and immediately salutes.

"Someone is denying the order of our Lord and has rediscovered the forbidden art," the man smiles, shadows all over his goddamned body. "If he's still alive, we must exterminate him with extreme prejudice. We'll slaughter anyone in a 10 mile radius."

"Yes, sir!"

The moonlight bathes the man in moonlight, revealing a black metallic frame, adorned with silver shoulder pads and other awesome shit like that. Metallic teeth line the outside of his face from cheek to cheek, his black hair spiked up in some gay way. A Richonium jewel is embedded into his black gauntlet.

"We must wipe out every trace of pro wrestling from this world," sneers Corey Nguyen.

[Vinny]

BLRKSH! A dirty, poor person's skull is split from top to bottom like an apple, exploding from the force of a spiked, iron ball. As his body slumps onto the dirt, the man's wife rushes to his side and begins hysterically crying as a trio of goons cackle and slap their knees incessantly. The dry heat beats down on the assholes as their leader reaches down and scoops up the victim's canteen from the reddish soil.

Glug ... glug ... glug .... The blinding sun is blotted out by seven foot bushwhacker as he guzzles the water. He tosses away the canteen and steps into the shade, revealing his ghoulish features. His chin hangs down freakishly low as he digs into one ear with a pinky. His attire consists scraps of metal and leather fashioned into armor, basic goon stuff, but he has two living children strapped to his arms to act as shoulder pads. But importantly, emerging from his fly is a long chain attached to an iron ball, the unique weapon known as "Flail Phallus." This has earned him the title of "The Demon of Utah with a Morningstar for a Dick."

The new widow breaks away from her grief to see that asshole approaching her, idly swinging his mace dick with an ear-to-ear grin.

"Ohhhh," he utters, immediately tearing off the potato sack she was using for a dress. Despite the poor living conditions in post-apocalyptic America, this chick has huge tits. He spreads her legs while his tongue hangs from his mouth, wagging in the wind. "My mouth is still so dry ... heh heh ... so maybe if I lick it ..."

"P-Please don't!" she cries. The other goons idly paw their puds while giggling.

"He's insatiable!" one rants. Morningstar Dick leans over, ready to plant his ugly mug in her CUNT, when he tastes something ODD. Something bitter. He jerks back to see a stream of URINE FLOATING INTO HIS MOUTH. Whipping his head around, he follows the STREAM OF RIVER around his head and up onto a JAGGED CLIFF. On top, silhouetted by the sun, is KANZAKI KENJIRO!

"How's it taste?" he mutters, the shadow from the bill of his cap obscuring his face.

FTUW ~THE SECOND PHASE~
Sidestory: The Man Who Discovered Pro Wrestling

Chapter Four: Warriors of the Wasteland

"YOU BASTAAARD!" one goon shouts, whipping out a mining pick. Morningstar Dick spits the urine out of his mouth furiously before clutching a fist in RAGE towards Kenjiro.

"TAKE THIS!" MACE COCK SCREAMS, dropping the FLAIL PHALLUS from his hand, letting it drop towards the ground. As it falls past his crotch, HE UNLEASHES a VICIOUS PELVIC THRUST into the MACE that sends it ROCKETING towards KENJIRO!

"Ha ha! He has no chance now," another goon says gleefully, "The strength of that thrust technique comes from the thousands and thousands of women he's fucked! He'll be blown to bits!"

The MACE EXPLODES through the CLIFF but misses Kenjiro. Once the chain is pulled TAUT from the momentum, Kenjiro leaps onto the chain and slides down on it on his heels. Morningstar Dick YANKS the the ball back, the chain going slack and Kenjiro falling towards Dick, as the mace VOLLEYS towards KENJIRO. As the MACE homes in on his HEAD, it mysteriously JERKS to the RIGHT and avoids him! The mace continues on and COLLIDES right into the owner's chest!

"GLRRKK!" he shouts, BLOOD SQUIRTING FROM THE GAPS IN HIS TEETH. Kenjiro lands softly on the dirt as the goons in the background shit their pants. The goon, HOWEVER, isn't ready to quit as he STUMBLES TO HIS FEET with a BIG INDENTATION stuck in his chest. Taking the MACE in HAND again, he FUCKS it TOWARDS KENJIRO. Kenjiro responds by WHIPPING out a cigarette!

"He's got him now!" a goon cries. As Kenjiro takes a drag, the MACE zones in on his skull. KENJIRO raises a single finger and traces a circle through the air. Amazingly, the ball SLOWS to a stop in front of Kenjiro's shadowy mug!

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!" the trio of dickheads scream.

Morningstar Dick is fucking sweating as the MACE slowly SPINS SIDEWAYS in front of Kenjiro. It begins to pick up SPEED and the chain it's attached to CONSTRICTS, becoming tighter! As it continues getting TIGHTER and TIGHTER, Morningstar Dick's own flesh TWISTS around his CROTCH until his BOARSKIN PANTS EXPLODE. Trembling, one can see his SWOLLEN DICK GRAFTED onto a CHAIN TWISTED BEYOND RECOGNITION.

"You don't know it ... but you're already emasculated ..." Kenjiro mutters. Sure enough, Morningstar Dick's DICK rips off as BLOOD SPRAYS from the wound!

The TRIO of goons watch their master DIE PAINFULLY and decide to HIGH TAIL. As they run, they encounter a PITCH-BLACK FORM standing in their way, impeding their path. It's none other than PROMETHEUS JONES, his arms FLEXED OUT to THREE TIMES THEIR SIZE so he can deliver a DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE to two goons that reduces them to PARTS, as if they were hit by a SEMI TRUCK!

"I'LL KILL YOU!" the last, most retarded jobber screams. Whipping out a blowtorch, he IGNITES fireworks glued from his head to the bottom of his spine. With FIRE SHOOTING OFF HIS BODY, he JUMPS FORWARD and CONTRACTS TIGHTLY into a BALL. He somersaults towards JONES at high speeds, a LIVING WHEEL OF FIRE!

"ROLL ROLL ROLL ROLL!" he shouts. However, he's cut off once Prometheus wraps his giant black mitts around the man. PROMETHEUS GRUNTS and VEINS BULGE all over his body as he begins SQUEEZING THE GOON INTO A TIGHTER BALL. The retard begins crying for HELP as he gets SMALLER and SMALLER until he can FIT IN THE PALMS OF JONES' ADMITTEDLY LARGE HANDS. With one last GROAN, JONES SLAMS HIS HANDS TOGETHER, unleashing a sound that's reminiscent of a thunderclap. Pulling his hands apart, THERE'S NO GOON at all! Then it fucking starts to RAIN BLOOD.

At this point, the almost fucked women rushes over to Kenjiro's side as he dusts himself off.

"Y-You're amazing!" she cries. Kenjiro doesn't say anything, obviously. "Let me repay you for saving my life!" Prometheus appears behind Kenjiro, his arms deflated back to normal size.

"It's not necessary," Jones tells her as they turn to leave. She continues chasing after themm clutching a shredded potato sack to her body as her tits bounce around.

"I came from Blood Lake City to get medicine for my uncle! I can get you through the gates. The least I can do is offer you a hot meal and a night's stay!"

"We did spend a lot of energy using our abilities to kill jobbers in the flashiest ways possible these past two days," Kenjro rubs his chin.

"Blood Lake City is one of the only bastions of peace and civility left in this war-torn world," Prometheus says in a thoughtful tone, "Admittance is strictly prohibited for most."

"Then it's settled!" she says, "I'll take you two there. By the way, my name is Maria." Attach the physical traits that you find desirable in women to her description, if you want. I'm not going to bother because she won't be living that long.

As Kenjiro, the man he swore to protect, Prometheus, and their token female companion head off to BLOOD LAKE CITY, a goon perched on a rock off in the distance watches them through binoculars!

"BOSS!" he shouts, "The three that killed Morningstar Dick are headed off to Blood Lake City!"

"Then it's all good," a shaded figure sits on a MASSIVE SEMI-TRUCK. Chainsaws have replaced the headlights, a giant knife sticks out of the grill, numerous rusty spikes have been welded across the entire damn thing, and crossbows and other crude weapons are hung in place over the vehicle. Mohawked goons hang from rails on the semi, guzzling cans of beer with Stone Cold Steve Austin's face emblazoned across them. The mysterious leader tilts forward into the light, revealing his wet, greasy mop of hair and a metallic, full hockey mask strapped across his face.

"Shouldn't we kill them?! Those were our allies!" a goon hops and down, howling.

"Be still my dog of war, I understand your pain," the masked figure responds, "But this provides an opportunity of confusion that we've been waiting for. We'll penetrate their walls and claim THEIR CITY AS OURS. We shall call it ..."

"WARRIOR LAND!!"

[Vinny]

Triple Life's promos kind of ruined the point of this, but I still wanted to do it so I did.

[Ryoko's Biatch]

It's as useless as the McHarris WWII flashbacks.

BY WHICH I MEAN NOT AT ALL.

[Action Hank]

Fuck Kenjiro. Black Judge ROCKS!

[Vinny]

I don't like you.

[Big Fagot]

Vinny, this is fucking awesome and it would take me ten times as long to write promos half this good.

[Spamdini]

The only problem with Vinny promos is that it almost feels like he is tapping into his well of awesome to do promos instead of mindblowing matches. Fonrtunately, his well of awesome is almost neverending, but if he were to ever burn out FTUW would die for good.

That said, YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

[Action Hank]

YOU KNOW THAT'S NOT TRUE, VINNY!

[My Head Hurts 90]

You should probably stop doing the whole caps and exclamation points as a joke thing, because it just makes you look like a faggot.

[Mautty]

The whole lets tell ace how he is a fag thing makes most posters look like Giant fags. I mean ACE will never live his past down but he dose not stand out any more than the avrage poster. In terms of gay. I guess what im trying to say is Ace is a faggot.

[Big Fagot]

That's not what this thread is about

[Vinny]

Fwooooooosh. The harsh desert winds kick up stinging sand as the trio of Kanzaki Kenjiro, Prometheus Jones, and an unnamed female love interest are almost at their destination of Blood Lake City, one of the few sanctuaries of humanity left in this war-torn world. Kenjiro lifts his cap to see the imposing city set in front of him. Massive stone walls covered in plentiful amounts of spikes and blood surround the city, serving as its defense and a warning to potential invaders.

As the TRIO MAKES IT THE STEEL GATE, bands of armor-clad, crossbow wielding civilians line tops of the walls, taking aim. Hiding in HOLES IN THE GROUND are more of the CITY'S DEFENDERS, popping out and POINTING THEIR SPEARS at the GROUP.

"M-Maria ... is it really you ... ?" some old faggot pushes through the crowd to get a look at her.

"Elder!" she replies. Kenjiro and Prometheus just stand there looking awesome.

"W-We thought those monsters got you ..." the Elder lurches towards her.

"T-They did ... but these men saved me, and I was able to return her with the medicine that will save my uncle and the others who are ill!" The ELDER turns to Prometheus and Kenjiro, and then hangs his head.

"You know the rules of this city, Maria. Outsiders are forbidden from entering ..."

"B-But Elder!" Maria exclaims, "They saved me and escorted me here! Without food and water, they shall surely ..."

"Enough! I appreciate what they've done, but this is a world where we can no longer trust our fellow man. As payment for your services, we'll provide you with food and water for your journey, but that is all."

Kenjiro nods slightly as Prometheus spits in protest. Off in the distance we see those RUTHLESS MEN from earlier, the soldiers of WARRIOR LAND. They are perched on a nearby cliff, armed to the teeth with all sorts of retarded weapons. Their leader, his face adorned with a metallic hockey mask and neon-green streamers tied tightly around his biceps, climbs from the DRIVER SEAT of his SEMI-TRUCK, THE RENEGADE, ONTO ITS ROOF.

"WARRIORS!!" HE SHOUTS, WHIPPING BACK HIS FEATHERED HAIR AND RAISING HIS BULGING ARMS. HIS LEGIONS SURROUND THE TRUCK, LOOKING UP AT THEIR CHAMPION, AND RESPOND WITH A UNANIMOUS GRUNT.

"We are going into battle soon, my warriors!" he shouts, "We will TAKE BLOOD LAKE CITY and create an EMPIRE where the STRONGEST SHALL RULE, where a FIST OF JUSTICE will FLY STRAIGHT, LIKE AN ARROW, UP THE QUEER ASSES OF THE WEAK. But before the time OF RECKONING COMES, you may ask yourself ... HOW DO I PREPARE MYSELF?"

HIS LOYAL FOLLOWERS LOOK ON, HANGING ONTO EVERY WORD.

"DO I JUMP OFF THE TALLEST BUILDING IN THE WORLD? DO I LIE DOWN IN THE FRONT YARD AND LET LAWNMOWERS RUN OVER MY BODY? DO I GO TO AFRICA AND BE TRAMPLED BY RAAAGING ELEPHANTS?" SPIT COMES FLYING OUT OF THE MOUTH-HOLES OF HIS MASK AS HE GETS PUMPED THE FUCK UP.

Refusing to answer his own question, he then brandishes an EIGHT-FOOT LONG MACHETE from a leather sheath strapped to his back. HE HOLDS IT ABOVE HIM AND THEN BEGINS TO TREMBLE AS HE STARES AT IT.

"THIS IS THE WARRIOR'S MACHETE. Warrior’s Machete provides lean, muscular wisdom without fat or wiggle(room) and holds today’s intellectuals and their ideas to a times-past standard of responsibility, integrity and commonsense, and brave, bold, stout manliness. It was inspired by OCCAM'S RAZOR, which I used to DISEMBOWEL OCCAM with so I CAN FEED ON STRENGTH SPILLING FROM HIS BELLY. But unlike OCCAM'S RAZOR, Warrior's Machete can CHOP FAGGOTS CLEAN IN HALF."

HIS LEGIONS EXPLODE IN CHEERS.

"I WILL LEAD YOU TO VALHALLA, MY WARRIORS! My Creator endowed me with NATURALLY HIGH TESTERONE LEVELS and a very low tolerance for QUEERS. I am a Being Created with the ability to JUDGE, so I DO. AND WITH MY STEADY, RAGING HAND GUIDING THE BLADE THAT TURNS THE WORLD, WE WILL BRING FORTH AN AGE OF COMBAT THAT ILLUSTRATES THE INSTINCTS THAT THE CREATOR HAS IMBUED US WITH TO LIVE AND TO RULE!

"ALL HAAAAAIL, YOUR ULTIMATE WARRIOR!"

FTUW ~THE SECOND PHASE~
Sidestory: The Man Who Discovered Pro Wrestling

Chapter Five: The Smell of Combat

"Pft. All we did for them and they wouldn't even let us in," Prometheus says, a big sack of food set beside him. Him and Kenjiro warm themselves in front of a fire as the sun finally dips beyond the horizon.

"It doesn't matter. Completing our journey is the most important thing right now. It's better that we didn't get comfortable," Kenjiro says, roasting a boar in the flames.

Meanwhile, Maria is tending to her sick uncle, but no one wants to hear about that so let's go back to the soldiers of WARRIOR LAND.

A SENTRY is posted along the wall when he suddenly sees a bunch of RED FLICKERS in the distance. Emerging from the rolling clouds of dust is a MONSTROUS FUCKING SEMI-TRUCK, followed by nearly a hundred DICKS on all sorts of shitty vehicles, WAVING TORCHES ABOVE THEIR HEADS. THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR is FURIOUSLY RACING towards BLOOD LAKE CITY, his CHAINSAW HEADLIGHTS READY FOR SOME BLOOD and the FIVE FOOT LONG HUNTING KNIFE WELDED TO THE GRILL. A CAVALRY of GOONS RIDE BESIDE THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR on their MOTORCYCLES, incessantly HONKING THEIR HORNS WHILE CACKLING RETARDEDLY.

"HUWAH GAH HAH HAH!" one particularly ASSHOLISH GOON GUFFAWS, riding in his DUNEBUGGY while swinging NUNCHUCKS made impractically from WAILING BABIES. One BUSHWHACKER RACES ALONG the ground, HIS HANDS AND LEGS ACTUALLY TIRES, how he propels himself is a mystery no one understands. One of the goons' retarded brothers has a eggbeater codpiece that he spins mindlessly as he rides into battle.

"Hah hah, they spotted us, Emperor!" one goon shouts as he RIDES UP beside the SEMI-TRUCK and tells the HOCKEY-MASK WEARING LEADER. The VEINS in Warrior's neck begin to BULGE in RESPONSE.

FWSSSHHHHHHHH! The ULTIMATE WARRIOR INHALES SHARPLY THROUGH HIS NOSE, THE LEATHER STRAPS AROUND HIS CHEST STRAINING AGAINST HIS EXPANDING, SUPER MUSCULAR CHEST. KRSHAAAAAAA. he EXHALES. HE TIGHTENS HIS GRIP ON THE STEERING WHEEL AS HE SLAMS HARDER ON THE GAS PEDAL (WHICH INSTEAD OF BEING ONE OF THOSE ACCELERATORS SHAPED LIKE A FOOT, IT IS A REAL FOOT).

"THE AIR WE BREATHE SMELLS ONLY OF COMBAT!!"

The GUARDS OF BLOOD LAKE CITY begin PANICKING as they RUSH TO THEIR POSTS, desperately fumbling for their weapons.

"I-I-IT'S WARRIOR LAAAND!" A GUY SCREAMS BEFORE A GODDAMNED STALACTITE TAKES OFF THE TOP OF HIS HEAD, his body stumbling around and his TONGUE LASHING as a geyser of blood sprays from the top. THE DEFENSE FORCES FIRE OFF THEIR ARROWS BUT IT DOES LITTLE TO SLOW THE SOLDIERS OF WARRIOR LAND DOWN.

"FIRE!" A BLOOD CITY GUARD SCREAMS. A sharpened LOG is CATAPULTED straight TOWARDS the SEMI-TRUCK. As it FLIES TOWARDS ULTIMATE WARRIOR, goons leap from their BIKES and onto the hood on the SEMI-TRUCK.

"HAIL WARRIOR!!" THEY SCREAM as they are IMPALED SO HARD BY THE TREE THEY TURN INSIDE OUT. The LOG rolls HARMLESSLY off the side, the MOMENTUM STOPPED, and GUTS COVERED the ENTIRE FRONT OF THE RENEGADE. Windshield wipers SLOSH away the ORGANS to reveal ULTIMATE WARRIOR, his WET, HOT BREATHS of BLOODLUSTY MADNESS emanating from the holes in his MASK.

"GO HAPPILY TO HELL, MY CHILDREN OF WAR."

AS THE SEMI PICKS UP SPEED, THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR LIFTS A BULGING ARM OUT THE DRIVER SIDE WINDOW AND MAKES A MOTION. HIS MEN THEN BEGIN SWARMING BEHIND THE SEMI-TRUCK, PROTECTING THEMSELVES AGAINST THE STORM OF ARROWS.

"W-What are they doing?!" the ELDER GASPS as he watches THE SEMI-TRUCK RUSH STRAIGHT TOWARDS THE FRONT GATE. WARRIOR IS NOW FUCKING SCREAMING, PUNCHING HIS STEERING WHEEL UNTIL HE PLANTS HIS FIST THROUGH THE DAMN THING. AT FULL FUCKING SPEED, HE CRASHES INTO THE IRON GATE OF BLOOD LAKE CITY, THE KNIFE ON THE FRONT BURSTING THROUGH THE STEEL AND IMPALING TEN GUARDS UNFORTUNATE TO BE STANDING THERE.

"I-It can't beee ..." the Elder moans, "They breached it!"

SLOWLY, THE GIANT GATE FALLS OFF ITS HINGES and into CITY. As the dust clears, the SILHOUETTES OF THE LEGIONS OF WARRIOR can be SEEN FAST APPROACHING. IN SECONDS they RIDE THEIR MOTORCYCLES INTO THE TOWN, LAUGHING THEIR HEADS OFF AS THEY BEGIN TO SLAUGHTER THE CIVILIANS. THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR LIFTS HIS HEAD GROGGILY FROM THE STEERING WHEEL, AND THEN TURNS THE IGNITION ONCE MORE. THE CHAINSAW HEADLIGHTS REV UP AS HE BEGINS SUCKING IN AIR FASTER AND HARDER.

"BLOOOD ... UNNGGGH ... COMBAAAAAT ... URRGH!" HE STUTTERS.

BOOOOOOM! KENJIRO AND PROMETHEUS' HEADS DART TOWARDS THE NOISE.

"That came from Blood Lake City," Prometheus mutters. KANZAKI KENJIRO RISES FROM HIS SEAT AND ADJUST HIS CAP, LOOKING LIKE A BADASS AS HIS TATTERED, WHITE JACKET FLUTTERS IN THE NIGHT WIND.

"Well well ... it looks like things have gotten interesting."

[Vinny]

I added some more LINES OF CARNAGE and whatnot since it was silly that the intro was longer than the actual chapter. But I'm sure no one's read it yet, so it probably doesn't matter!

[Action Hank]

Ha ha, headlights made of chainsaws! What an awesome improbability!

[Vinny]

HEE HEE HEE HEE! The horrifying sounds of goons gleefully slaughtering innocents can be heard throughout Blood Lake City. The guards are no match for Warrior Land's mohawked degenerates and they are quickly torn about by their bizarre and impractical weapons. A goon dressed MORE like a clown rides a unicycle with a giant saw blade through people, splitting them in half, while juggling molotov cocktails. A couple of goons unstrap a giant cheese grater from the pack of a beat-up car and begin tossing women and children onto it. In the middle of all this mess, Warrior is driving his SEMI-TRUCK, the RENEGADE, straight towards the center of BLOOD LAKE CITY, where, by coincidence, Maria, the female love interest, is at!

BRNK! A chainsaw jutting from the headlight clips an elderly farmer, spraying his entrails all over the Renegade. The behemoth vehicle is already bathed in BLOOD, all sorts of NASTY INTEGRAL PARTS splattered on the grill, several bodies dangling from the giant hunting knife welded to the front.

"I CAN ... I WILL ... I MUST!!" WARRIOR SCREAMS AS HE CHEWS RABIDLY ON THE DASH BOARD. The town Elder clutches his wooden staff while looking at the BLOODSHED outside his BRICK TOWER. Behind her is Maria, who is crying or whatever it is that women do.

FTUW ~THE SECOND PHASE~
Sidestory: The Man Who Discovered Pro Wrestling

Chapter Six: The Angry

The Ultimate Warrior's semi-truck continues RAPING ITS WAY through the city as its population is powerless to stop it. Attached to the semi-truck is a LARGE, CYLINDRICAL TANK. Sitting on top of this tank, downing a barrel of Stone Cold Imported (from Stone Cold Brewery Land) Ale is a black-skinned beast with a PERPETUALLY FLAMING MOHAWK sitting on top of his head. In fact, his skin isn't black like he's a NEGRO, it's CHARRED BLACK. His skin has become HARD from repeated BURNINGS, FISSURES in his BLACKENED BODY looking like MAGMA peeking through VOLCANIC ROCK. He kicks off a still-living woman stuck to one of the many SPIKES welded to a tank so he can grab a FIRE HOSE. But unlike real FIRE HOSES, this one doesn't shoot water, it SHOOTS FIRE!

"I AM ... THE ANGRY!" he lifts his WELDING MASK to reveal his EYELIDLESS PEEPERS BULGING out of his COAL-DARK FLESH, "The conflagration of my vehemence shall immolate you!" HE LETS LOOSE WAVES of BOILING PITCH onto the FLEEING INNOCENTS. One UNFORTUNATE SHITHEAD tries LEAPING onto the TANKER but MERELY has the FIRE HOSE JAMMED IN HIS GUT (the hose has a bayonet on it for some reason) and has the PITCH SPRAYED INSIDE HIM. INFERNOS SHOOT OUT OF HIS ORIFICES UNTIL HIS SKIN TURNS TO ASH, REDUCING HIM TO A SKELETON. THEN IT EXPLODES.

Elsewhere in Blood Lake City, men and women are captured mercifully, binding their arms so they can easily be transported to a POW camp that will provide adequate lodging. YEAH RIGHT, they throw them on the ground and line them up so this ASSHOLE WITH AXES STRAPPED TO HIS BOOTS can try to ICE SKATE ON THEIR FLESH. After stomping awkwardly through the first line of victims, he builds a ramp to provide him better momentum for the next run. AS ALL THE PEOPLE ARE SCREAMING AND SHIT, a HAND LANDS ON HIS DAMN SHOULDER. Turning around, a BIG BLACK FIST is SHOVED RIGHT DOWN HIS THROAT.

"BRLK!" the GOON loses his TEETH FROM THE MIGHTY RIGHT STRAIGHT OF PROMETHEUS JONES. With his hand still inside the goon's mouth, JONES PUMPS THE FUCK UP. His CHEST MUSCLES BULGE OUT DRAMATICALLY FIRST, then his RIGHT BICEP, THEN HIS FOREARM, and FINALLY HIS FIST, THE EXPANSION CAUSING THE BUSHWHACKER'S HEAD TO BURST.

"WHO THE FUCK ARE YOUUU?!" one goon screams.

"Who GIVES AH SHEET! Let's JUST KILL 'EM!" another shouts. Five men charge with HATCHETS and CLEAVERS and SUCH. The blades rain down on JONES, BARELY SCRATCHING HIS RIDICULOUSLY MUSCULAR HIDE. In response, JONES WRAPS HIS ARMS AROUND ALL FIVE, BEARHUGGING EVERY LAST MOTHERFUCKER. They all STRAIN AND SCREAM as he LOCKS HIS HANDS, and they begin to VOMIT THEIR ENTIRE EXISTENCE from their GULLETS as the HANDS are pulled CLOSER to JONES. Jones drops the sacks of flesh onto the ground and heads into the battlefield.

"Ooooh hooo! You're pretty!" a seven foot tall AFRICAN ASSHOLE with a bright pink mop of hair stands over a naked girl, swinging his three foot long dick in a circle while salivating. But he wouldn't be a goon worth mentioning if that was just THAT. HIS DICK IS REPEATEDLY PIERCED WITH SPIKES, EARNING HIM THE NAME OF FLAIL PHALLUS. Of course, someone else in the gang was already named that, so he took the title of LONG DONG DONKEY KONG.

Behidn him is a pile of three girls with BLOODY CUNTS. "Please, be gentle ..." he sneers. AS HE BENDS DOWN TO DO THE DEED, he feels his own DICK WHIPPING HIM IN THE BALLS.

"OOMPH!" he cries, before whipping around to see the white-clad KANZAKI KENJIRO, standing there STOICALLY and his numerous trinkets flutter in the wind.

"Eh, geh heh ... DID YOU TOUCH MY JUNK ..." his freakishly long tongue slips out of his mouth.

"..." Kenjiro doesn't utter.

"If ya wanna touch it so bad ..." pulling the NEEDLED DICK out of his NUTSACK, "THAN HERE!" HE TRIES TO BRING IT UP but CAN'T, his COCK STILL STUCK TO SOMETHING. As he holds on, HE NOTICES THAT HIS COCK ISN'T STUCK, it's moving on it's own! LONG DONG DONKEY KONG whips his head towards Kenjiro, who's smoking a cigarette.

"W-WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DOOOOO?!" FLURNK! HIS DICK GOES UP HIS OWN ASS!

"GAAAAAAAAH!" HE SCREAMS. KENJIRO PLACES HIS HANDS ON THE MAN'S LOWER ABDOMEN.

"It's really interesting how the human body works," Kenjiro utters, his eyes covered in shadows, "If I concentrate my ki, I can change the flow of your digestive system." LONG DONG IS TREMBLING HARD as he FILLS HIS OWN COCK WORK HIS WAY INTO HIS LOWER INTESTINE.

"ERRGYAAAH!"

"And if ... I try real hard ..." Kenjiro focuses. THE DICK GOES INTO HIS SMALL INTESTINE.

"EGAAH! P-P-PLEASE! SPARE ME!" DONKEY KONG CRIES.

"Pieces of shit like you," Kenjiro takes a drag on his cigarette, "Don't deserve to live past today." HE RAISES HIS CLENCHED FIST AND HURLS IT TOWARDS DONKEY KONG'S SCREAMING MOUTH. His VOICE IS SILENCED, the smoke from KENJIRO'S CIGARETTE is SUCKED TOWARDS HIS FIST, and, FINALLY, DONKEY KONG'S SPIKED DICK SHOOTS OUT OF HIS MOUTH, FLIES AROUND THE ROOM, AND THEN SOCKS HIM IN THE FACE.

Prometheus Jones MARCHES STOICALLY, HIS MUSCULAR FEET leaving CRATERS as he stomps THROUGH BLOOD LAKE CITY, his huge arms DELIVERING RIC FLAIR-ESQUE CHEST CHOPS that SPLIT GOONS IN HALF. One goon charges at him with a LAWNMOWER but JONES MERELY MILITARY PRESSES HIM. Another JOBBER LEAPS towards him but JONES RESPONDS with a DOUBLE DROP KICK, his BIG FEET KNOCKING SHOE-SHAPED HUNKS FROM THE MAN'S TORSO. A random GIANT GOON picks up the first guy's LAWNMOWER above his HEAD to SMASH JONES WITH, but then the FIRST GUY finally FALLS FROM THE SKY and LANDS ON IT, turning to guts. While stunned, PROMTHEUS FLEXES HIS RIGHT FIST HARDER, MAKING IT NEARLY THE SIZE OF A BASKETBALL. SPINNING ON HIS HEELS, HE BUILDS UP MOMENTUM USING HIS HAND LIKE A SHOT PUT UNTIL HE CAN UNLEASH A CLOTHESLINE THAT TEARS THE GOON IN HALF.

Storms of arrows are unleashed from Blood Lake Tower on the renegade, the town Elder acting as general. Like before, the arrows do basically nothing and the Ultimate Warrior gets closer and closer to the center of the town. As the Angry continues washing away everything with boiling pitch, his head snaps up when he HEARS FOOTSTEPS LAND BEHIND HIM.

"Mmm! I love BARBECUES!" he spins around, SPRAYING HIS PITCH at the white-clad intruder. KENJIRO clenches his fist and PULLS IT AWAY from THE ANGRY, a motion that causes the BOILING PITCH to REDIRECT AROUND KENJIRO. Kenjiro BOLTS UPWARDS and THE ANGER keeps his FIREHOSE AIMING AT HIM. Before he can SQUEEZE THE TRIGGER, KENJIRO REPEATS THE SAME MOTION. The hose then TIGHTENS UP at a point before being TORN TO SHREDS, SPRAYING PITCH ALL OVER THE ANGRY.

Kenjiro kicks the leaking hose off the side of the tanker as the Angry boils. As Kenjiro steps over him, THE ANGRY'S HAND JERKS UP AND GRABS KENJIRO BY THE COLLAR.

"CAN YOU FEEL MY ANGRY?!" HE RASPS, THE BOILING PITCH HAVING NO EFFECT ON HIM.

[Big Fagot]

Hahaha, fuck, ice skates.

[Spamdini]

Well this is offically the most insanely violent thing ever. I don't know if I can even go back to Riki-oh and Fist of the North Star after reading that.