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FTUW'S RAPIST'S PARADISE (#19)

 
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Yogurtman
Odin
Joined: 03 Jan 2007
Posts: 2248
(Fri Feb 23, 2007 1:47 am)
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Post     FTUW'S RAPIST'S PARADISE (#19)

The screen is black. One can faintly hear the sound of a heartbeat growing louder and louder. The repeated beeping of an EKG machine joins the heartbeat, the rhythm increasing in speed with the heartbeat. FROM OUT OF NOWHERE, a guitar begins to squeal violently as the letters "F T U W" grow from a single white dot in the center of the screen. AS THE GUITAR'S SQUEAL REACHES ITS BREAKING POINT, THE LETTERS VIBRATE RETARDEDLY UNTIL THEY EXPLODE. The song is "Arcane Death Explosion" by Viscerape. The lead singer, Leitch, belts out a MONSTROUS GROAN in tune to footage of Ant King viciously raping Corey Nguyen.

#Graaaaaaaaaahh!!#

Handsomus R. Awesome and Theldorrin XIII trade titanic blows in the center of the ring. Sella Phayne slaps his chest, mouthing off while pointing his 9mm at the camera. A shot of the Jack Masterson getting impaled in the face with a SPEAR is followed by Puff Ryder FIRING OFF HIS EXTENDED BONG into Phayne's pick-up.

#COME-ON-COME-ON-COME-ON-COME-OOONNNRAAARGH!#

Baron Hoity von Toity DROPS AN ELBOW ONTO SAKETUMI'S SKULL. Masterson hurls a hatchet that flies into the mouth of the Minister of Beards, Guan Fei. Ooka Jooka flies HIGH ABOVE THE ARENA, his dick trailing behind him. Handsomus and Theldorrin clash CHARIOTS AT HIGH SPEEDS. Ant King SCREAMS and vomits up a SWARM OF HORNETS. Fancy Lala rolls around on the floor, shitting his pants, before the footage switches over to Kuroda plucking out Jonesie's eyeball with his toes.

#The RAAAAAPE! THE MURDAAAAAH! THE RAPE AND THE MURDDAAH MURDER RAAAPE!#

Steve Austin Stunners A FUCKING WAVE OF LAVA AS IT CRASHES DOWN! Saketumi and Jack Daniels HEADBUTT EACH OTHER OVER AND OVER, CAUSING THE GROUND AT THEIR FEET TO CRACK! Theldorrin XIV hovers above FUCK MOUNTAIN, wielding a massive MOLTEN BOULDER. Moloch Arschloch bites off Saito's fingers. Bin Destruction CRASHES DOWN FROM OUTER SPACE and collides into Puff Ryder's chest. Daniels hits both Theldorrin and Saketumi with bursts of flames.

#I CAN'T AH STOP THIS RAPING AND MURDAH-RING! YOU CAN'T STOP ALL THIS SUFFERING! GRAAAAARGH!!

Rakkyu Saketumi stands unconscious, dead, in his friends' arms, gripping the World Title belt tightly. A minigun BURSTS from ANT KING'S FUCKING ASS and STARTS FIRING ROUND AFTER ROUND as he feeds ammo down his goddamned throat. Charles Bronson emerges from a hardware store with chainsaws replacing his arms and legs.

#RAAAAAPE RAAAAAPE!!#

McHarris CLOTHESLINES THROUGH A FUCKING CAR. GUAN FEI AND THELDORRIN XIV FALL WHILE HUNDREDS OF FEET ABOVE GROUND, TRADING FISTS. HANDSOMUS R. AWESOME CRASHES A COMET INTO MADISON SQUARE GARDEN, BROUGHT BACK FROM THE DEAD. DANIELS, KENJIRO, HANDSOMUS, AND GUAN FEI ROCK THE FUCK OUT AND ERADICATE THELDORRIN OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH!

The music reaches it CRESCENDO as FUCK MOUNTAIN CRASHES INTO THE PACIFIC OCEAN, DESTROYING SOUTHEAST ASIA AND KILLING MILLIONA! The FUCKING FTUW logo BURSTS THROUGH A BRICK WALL, blood spurting from the hole for some reason. The screen fades to black.

FTUW Entertainment 2006. All Rights Reserved.

Marlene and Roger walk down the empty street. It is past 3 AM and the city is as dead as dead could be.

Marlene: A…Are you sure this is the way home?

Roger: nervous laugh Not really. It’s kinda dark around here and I think we went down the wrong road.

Marlene: Where are we? I can’t recognize anything here.

Roger: That sign says…Rap-- ----dise?

Marlene: Huh?

Roger: I dunno. It’s been tagged and I can’t read it.

Marlene: Just call for a cab! I’m getting nervous.

Roger pulls out his cell phone and begins dialing. Marlene nervously lights a cigarette and jumps when she hears a sudden noise. It's a cell phone hitting the ground.

Marlene: Dammit Roger, stop screwing around!

Roger’s body slumps over, and his unconscious body is dragged off into an alley. Marlene shrieks, but the only ones who hear her are the three youths who slink out of the shadows, knives drawn and cackling maniacally.

Punk 1: Geh heh heh, lookee what we’ve got here!

Punk 2: Gross dude! She’s gotta be at least 25!

Punk 3: Naw, that’s ok! She’ll know what she’s doing!

Punk 1: Heh heh, yeah! I bet we could all fit in at once!

Marlene tries running away, but six outstretched arms grab her by the hair and clothes, dragging her to the ground and tearing all her clothes off except for precariously placed bits of fabric still covering her crotch.

Punk 1: Whoa! Look at the size of those tits!

Punk 3: I bet if we cut them open, we’ll get tons of milk!

Punk 1: Hee hee, sounds fun!

Marlene weeps quietly and resigns herself to her fate as the three rapists close in for the deed. All of a sudden however, Punk #2’s neck breaks and he falls to the ground limply. The other two twist around to look down their attacker and see a seven-foot giant with a snow white beard looking down with great contempt. In both of his oversized fists are stop signs which he uses to cleave the rapists in half! Marlene does her best to cover up and she shivers in fear.

Stranger: Are you all right, madam?

Marlene: Y…yes…

Stranger: It’s ok. Your husband’s fine and these men won’t bother you anymore. You should know better than to walk these streets at night, though.

Marlene sobs uncontrollably, trying to fit words in between.

Marlene: sob Damn Roger, sob why did he have to sob make me walk around at night?

Stranger: Come on. I’ll get you back to your husband. Then we can fix you two up and get you back home.

Marlene walks arm-in-arm with the stranger. She is barely able to stand due to the shock, but the warm comfort of her mystery savior gives her the strength to walk on. As she walks into the alley where he husband was dragged into, her eyes open wide and her jaw drops in horror. On the wall of the alley is Roger, among other poor men and women who were dragged into that cold alley and pinned to the bricks with railroad spikes. All of their bodies are laden with holes, making them into a decorative row of human swiss cheese. All of their heads are missing except for Roger's. Roger, who only has two holes in his torso, is barely alive and struggles to talk.

Roger: R…run Marlene…

Two crazed men standing only slightly less tall than the mystery man impale him in the lungs with their cocks. An 8-foot amazon finishes him off by smashing his skull between her strangely muscular tits. She rubs them together much like a person dusts off their hands, bits of Roger’s skull falling to the ground as she does so. Marlene turns around to run away, but the mysterious stranger blocks her path.

Stranger: I couldn’t let those little pussy amateurs think that they could get away with raping you two in my territory! They should know that Old Gray McPherson is the man in charge of…RAPIST PARADISE!

The men and woman who killed Roger giggle evilly as Marlene shivers in utter fear.

Marlene: Rapist Par…?!

Before she can finish her sentence, Old Gray McPherson sticks his dick through her head and begins raping her skull. Her brains finish her question, spelling “RAPIST PARADISE!?” on the wall behind her!

The camera switches to the Thunderdome, where fans have kidnapped young women on the way to the event to rape during the matches in order to pay tribute to their glorious FTUW heroes! Viscerape’s “Rape is Another Word for Love” is the theme song of the evening.

JR: Good evening ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to Rapist Paradise!?! I’m Jim Ross alongside the ever-charismatic Warrior!

Warrior: In spite of the tragic passing of my son, I have large enough testicles to show up tonight and continue supporting the very league that twice killed him. Because I’m just that type of guy!!!

JR: Tonight Impious gets another shot at the FTUW championship after his title win was declared null by FTUW owner Baron Hoity von Toity. We’ll also see Hard’rok and John Baines McGuinness fight for the vacant American title after Ant King was fired for competing in a non-sanctioned PPV match against King Thunder and his ex-manager Piccolo.

Warrior: Ant King is a hero that will sorely be missed. Unfortunately, injuries would have forced him to retire anyways so at least he went out on a high note.

JR: Three new wrestlers will be competing here tonight with THE ILLUSIONIST attempting to overcome ex-Musclepotamia member Bin Destruction and Grizzly Man tangling with American martial artist Terry Bogard. There are also rumors of two other new wrestlers debuting!

Warrior: More new assholes who will be dead in a month’s time. Lovely.

Anxious for blood and rape, the crowd has turned into a full out mob, destroying all those smaller and weaker, leaving only the mightiest FTUW fanatics left standing! Their vein-laden necks bulge with ecstasy when Todd Lightning comes out to kick off the first match.

Lightning: This contest is scheduled for one fall and is a Magical Mayhem Match! The rules are that either competitor can use as many weapons as they want, but they must use slight of hand to keep it discrete. If either man is caught using the weapon, they will be disqualified! Introducing first from Jihadistan, weighing in at 198 pounds, The All-Mighty, Non-Forgiving, Non-Merciful, Mohammad Jaffer Bin Abdul DESTRUCTION!

Bin Destruction walks down to the ring meekly. His endless losing streak has left the crowd jaded towards him and he doesn’t even get booed for being an Arab terrorist.

JR: Bin Destruction is out on his own again after getting fired from Musclepotamia. Any thoughts on his future now, Warrior?

Warrior: Peh, Musclepotamia’s a washed up piece of shit stable anyways. It’s ironic that they’d fire their biggest washed up piece of shit, but I look forward to Bin Destruction getting murdered by another good old American boy!

Lightning: And his opponent, from Las Vegas, Nevada, weighing in at 160 pounds, THE ILLUSIONIST!

A bolt of lightning hits the ring impressively. As the cloud of smoke dissipates, there’s nothing there except for a small fire burning on the mat. An overweight custodian wobbles into the ring and uses a fire extinguisher to put the tiny flame out. He then kicks the small trap door on the mat which flops open and bangs THE ILLUSIONIST in the head. Cursing as he climbs into the ring, THE ILLUSIONIST poses to the crowd as they break into applause. Of course, they do so because they realize that Bin Destruction might actually get a chance to rip this retard apart and it’ll be damn fun to watch!

Illusionist: Thank you! Now for my first illusion…

Lucifer: Ha ha, you don’t seem to understand Victor.

Lucifer pops out of a legitimate magical burning hole in the ground.

Lucifer: This is a wrestling match. You have to fight that man over there.

THE ILLUSIONIST panics and tries to run out of the ring, but his escape route is cut off by Bin Destruction who punches him in the skull. The Illusionist flops around and crashes against the ropes where he gets all tied up. Bin Destructions follows up with five well-executed hooks to THE ILLUSIONIST’s face. Somehow, long open wounds open up on his face!

JR: Bin Destruction is hiding box cutters in the sleeves on his robe!

Warrior: Sneak guerilla warfare! That pussy! Illusionist, blow him away with a big fireball!

THE ILLUSIONIST falls out from the ropes, his face bleeding everywhere and washing off his drawn-on mustache. He scampers away on all fours, trying to get away from the maniac out for revenge for stealing his spot on Musclepotamia. Bin Destruction closes in on the frightened twerp and raises an arm in the air, ready to bring it down and cut his opponent in half with a hidden box cutter sword!

But THE ILLUSIONIST actually had something planned! The Flames of the Dragon! A trick where he breathes fire from his mouth using a bag of gasoline in his belly and a hose going up his esophagus and out his mouth. Using ancient stomach controlling techniques he had learned from a student of the great Harry Houdini, THE ILLUSIONIST thrust forth and sprays…gasoline all over the mat.

JR: The Illusionst’s really lost it now! He seems to be throwing up some sort of bile all over the ring!

Warrior: Magicians are all liberal softies anyways, defying our lord Jesus Christ by performing their witchcraft for the brainless masses. Disgusting!

Confused, Bin Destruction just kicks THE ILLUSIONIST in the chin, his broken teeth severing the hose as he flies. Bin Destruction takes a step forward to finish him off, but slips on the puddle of gasoline! He braces his fall using the hidden box cutters in his robe, but this causes a spark which ignites the whole mess and lights Bin Destruction on fire! The crowd assumes this is all an elaborate magic trick and applauds THE ILLUSIONIST.

JR: Bah gawd, it’s an Oklahoma barbecue! How’d THE ILLUSIONIST do it?!

Warrior: The spirits of our ancestors speak strongly within his mind for him to be capable of such magic!

The Illusionist is just as amazed and confused as everyone else, but takes advantage of the opportunity to bow to the audience.

THE ILLUSIONIST: T…Thank you all for being present for my victory! Now for my final trick of the evening, I shall use the Mummy’s Coffin to disappear!

The coffin descends from the ceiling and the crowd watches with bated breath, not because of the coffin but because Bin Destruction is on his feet again, still on fire. THE ILLUSIONIST turns around and pisses all over himself once he sees that his opponent is still coming at him in spite of being lit ablaze. Bin Destruction shouts an Arabic war cry, which dissipates the fire surrounding him!

Bin Destruction: You are thinking that you are to taking my place among friend Guan Fei and friend Lucifer?! Infidel who uses the powers of the devil, be dying by my hand!

THE ILLUSIONIST sees that the crowd is actually getting interested in his act so he decides to step up to the challenge after all! He opens his jacket and a sea of doves (that he had just spent the last of his money buying and training) flies out.

ILLUSIONIST: The purity of the doves shall exorcize this evil demon!

The crowd doesn’t know what the hell he’s talking about, but they give him the benefit of the doubt. Instead of attacking Bin Destruction however, the doves just fly up into the rafters and sit there. One of them takes a crap which lands of THE ILLUSIONIST's brand new suede top hat.

Bin Destruction jumps into the crowd and decapitates several members of the crowd, leaving there carcasses there to rot. This attracts a flock of vultures who devour the bodies and then slaughter the doves.

ILLUSIONIST: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Bin Destruction charges again! THE ILLUSIONIST shields his face by turning his head and putting his hands in front of him. What he forgot though was he had flash powder hidden in his gloves and his act of cowardice accidentally set it off! Bin Destruction is blinded and THE ILLUSIONIST loses much of the skin on his palms!

Blind and disoriented, Bin Destruction falls into the Mummy’s Coffin! The door slams shut and the coffins spins around magically before opening up again. Steam generated by dry ice billows out and as it dissipates, the coffin is revealed to be empty!

JR: HE’S GONE! THE ILLUSIONIST MADE BIN DESTRUCTION DISAPPEAR!

The referee was blinded by the light as well and didn’t see Bin Destruction fall in the coffin. Therefore, he doesn’t disqualify THE ILLUSIONIST for the use of a weapon (even though he didn’t mean to use it as a weapon.)

Under the ring, Bin Destruction had fallen through both the trap door of the coffin and the trap door in the mat. Lucifer is also under the ring.

Lucifer: Good night, Abdul!

Lucifer shoots Bin Destruction in the skull, killing him.

Back in the ring, the referee finishes counting out Bin Destruction and gives the win to THE ILLUSIONIST!

JR: Not since Papa Shango have we seen such powerful magical abilities! I dunno if even Handsomus can compete with the cosmic forces this man controls!

The bewildered, cut up and badly scalded ILLUSIONIST is escorted to the back by Lucifer.

Lucifer: You did good kid! I can see you’ve got what it takes to be a premiere heel in this league!

ILLUSIONIST: Heel? But…doesn’t the crowd hate heels?

Lucifer: Of course!

ILLUSIONIST: But, who would pay to see a bad guy’s magic act?

Lucifer: Well no one, obviously!

ILLUSIONIST: What?! Nooooooo!

One of his doves' eyeballs falls down on him as the vultures continue to devour them.

JR: BAH GAWD! THE GRIZZLY MAN IS HALF-MAN, HALF-BEAST AND ALL ANIMAL!

WW: Yes, and he is fighting Terry Bogard, who is an American hero and fucks Japanese whores.

JR: LET'S GET TO THE GODDAMNED MATCH!

Todd Lightning sits in the center of the ring, pulling his dick. The spotlight hits him and suddenly he is standing straight up.

"COMING TO THE RING FIRST, THE GUY WHO THREW GEESE HOWARD OFF THE TOP OF A BUILDING, TERRY BOGARD!"

Terry Bogard walks to the ring. Whichever KOF or Fatal Fury music you like best accompanies him. He looks pretty awesome and manly.

"AND NOW, A GREAT BIG BEAR OF A MAN, THE GODDAMNED GRIZZLY MAN!"

Grizzly Man walks to the ring on all fours, sniffing the floor. Then he gets inside and stands like a man. He's the Grizzly Man.

JR: THIS IS FUCKING EXCITING, WARRIOR. A MAN WHO WAS THOUGHT DEAD DUE TO HIS OWN FOOLISH LOVE FOR ANIMALS IS FIGHTING A GUY WHO WAS IN A GAME WITH THE WORD WOLF IN THE TITLE.

WW: Oh, I agree.

The bell rings, but the Grizzly Man doesn't move. Despite his transformation, he's still a peace-loving man. There's no reason to fight. Seeing the reluctance of his foe, Terry says, "COME ON, COME ON!" in a Japanese imitation of an American accent. Bogard starts throwing punches and kicks, but still the Grizzly Man doesn't fight back.

JR: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? IS THE GRIZZLY MAN JUST GOING TO LET AN OKLAHOMA MUDHOLE GET STOMPED IN HIS ASS?

WW: Apparently.

In the luxury box of the arena, the Baron watches. "I figured this might happen," he says. "Mohammad, activate the Faggotron."

"Yessuh, Mistah Baron, suh." Mohammad soft shoes over to the controls.

The Baron's face lights up the Faggotron.

JR: BAH GAWD, IT'S THE GODDAMNED BARON!

"Mr. Grizzly Man," the Baron says, "I forgot your real name, but that hardly matters. Anyway, here is a photograph my men found of Mr. Bogard."

The Baron's image is quickly replaced with one a black man whose face has been replaced with Terry Bogard's. In the photo, "Terry" drowns a bear cub in a river while skinning it and a forest burns in the background.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" THE GRIZZLY MAN IS FUCKING PISSED!

Terry dashes backward, avoiding a swing of the Grizzly Man's powerful fist, then shouts out, "Ah you okay? BUSTA VOLF!" THE GRIZZLY MAN IS DUNKED INTO THE FUCKING CANVAS.

BUT THE GRIZZLY MAN DOESN'T EVEN GIVE A FUCK. HE GETS BACK UP AND WALKS THROUGH TERRY'S POWER GEYSERS LIKE THEY WERE NOTHING AND THEN GROWLS IN TERRY'S FACE. THEN HE FUCKING UPPERCUTS TERRY INTO THE AIR AND HEADBUTTS HIM ON HIS WAY DOWN.

JR: BAH GAWD BAH GAWD BAH GAWD (this echoes for days)

THE GRIZZLY MAN'S CLAWS EXTEND TO A FOOT LONG AND HE STARTS SLASHING TERRY BOGARD RELENTLESSLY.

WW: I just remembered. Terry doesn't fuck that Japanese slut, that's his brother, Andy, who is a fucking queer. Terry fucks Blue Mary.

JR: Duly noted.

BLUE MARY FUCKING SHOOTS THE GRIZZLY MAN WITH TRANQUILIZER DARTS! THE GRIZZLY MAN HOWLS AND THEN FALLS ON TOP OF TERRY, UNCONSCIOUS. THE REF TAKES THIS FOR A PIN THEN FALLS TO THE MAT FOR THE COUNT!

ONE

TWO

THREE!

JR: BAH GAWD, THE MATCH IS OVER! GRIZZLY MAN WINS!

Outside of the arena, an enigmatic man his face obsured through his hooded sweatshirt, looks up at the neon lights of the headline banner.

"Guan Fei vs. Impious, huh? Sounds like a big match. How could they have a big match and not have me? We'll have to fix that!"

The stranger enters the arena.

Time for fucking MHH90 vs. Handsomus!

JR: Let's DO it!

Handsomus fucking powerbombs himself through the roof of a videoarcade that is Goddamn FULL oof asian whores and alll their boyfriends are there playing street fighter and they're like "what tuf ucki gee, nigga be kill yo fuck" and handsomus is like "I THINK NOT" and fucking starts just goddamn exploding semen EVERYWHERE then he plays his guitar and it magnetizes all the jizz into one genki dama that fires needles into the throats of all the asian whores and injects them with seemen which is full of iron so they die.

MyHEADHURTS is watching via goddamn sattellite from space and he goes "THAT FUCK" and just jumps through his spaceship and KICKS OFF the side blasting downwards into a fireball made of black! He collides with Japan and his body explodes on impact into viscera and blood and veins and bones and blood and shit! But MHH EJACULATES at the moment of impact and the Jizz shoots out grabbing all his intenstines and rubber bands them back into place so that he's totally fine!

"TIME FO FUCKIN JIZZ"

MHH screams this and all the buses and subways in japane morph into steel vaginas which fire asian prostitutes at MHH so fast that they're going over 100 miles per hour!! MHH is like "NNNNNNEEEEEGGGGGGYYYYY!!!!" and down s a bottle of RED FUCK energy drink and just fingers fucking everything in a 1000 mile radius and his finger is made of semen.

Handsomus RAWKS a hole through the building and jumps into the air screaming alloowing his intestines to fire out acid needles that pierce the earth and show it to true meaning of justice! Asian WHores are everywhere and Handsomus is like "EASY WIN" but then fucking jump kicks all of them simultaneously into the sun and goes after an elementary school called JO YOU JOJINGO FUCKARTE JAPANESE SCHOOL OF CHICKS. He smashes through a hole int he wall and 10 seconds later all the windows are oozing semen like a cake exploded.

MHH digs his toes into the ground and pulls out a sewage pipe and also yanks his dick out! He JACKS OFF into the pipe which fits snuggly around his cock while screamming "HOLLLAAAAAA" and all the sinks and drinking recepticles on earth shoot jizz into the faces of the people using them. JR AND WARRIOR look at a scoring device which keeps track of the faces JIZZED and the fucking thing goes out of control and explodes killing everything in the arena but luckily there was another one nearby.

alsdghl;ahsdg;lasdlg Handsomus flies into the air and explodes into semen which fills the earth's atmosphere and turns all the rain on earth into his semen but just as that happens MHH also does the same thing only with the ground by humping a manhole cover and volcanoes blast up all over the earth erupting geysers of white hot spunk! Japane has had enough! It morphs into a giant face supported by crab claws that eject rocket fire and shoots itself over to MHH and Handsomus!

"YOU HAVE SULLIED OUR LANDS FOR THE LAST TIIIIIIME!!!"

"N NNNNNNNNNNOT BY A L_L_L_LONG SHOT SUCKA" and Handsomus and MHH 69 EACH OTHER AND FUSE INTO A GIANT COCK THAT FIRES A CUMEHAMEHA THAT IMPALES JAPAN'S FACE AND THEY ARE BOTH DECLARED the fucking winners.

The hooded figure walks through the halls of the arena. Three drunks are taking turns punching each other in the face with brass knuckles when the stranger walks up to them.

"Excuse me, do you work here?"

"Fuck yeah! I'm the programming director, this here is the media coordinator and he's a drunk fuck we were fighting with!"

"Which way to Baron von Toity's office?"

"Next floor up, down the hall on the right and third door on the right."

"Thank you!"

The hooded stranger continues walking.

JR: Our next match tonight is a fight between two of the FTUW’s most charismatic losers. They’re a couple of guys that you root for because they’re underdogs, but they constantly fail for the same reason. And so what better locale for their match than Oz.

Harold Perrineau: Oz. The name on the street for the Oswald Maximum Security Penitentiary. It used to be just a set for a TV show, but FTUW has made it real. Brick by brick, Oz has been built identical to the one that appeared in the show’s six season run on HBO, with the only difference being that on TV, when the filming was done, the actors got to go home. This time, we’ve reassembled the cast, “convinced” them to stay in character using surgery and drugs, and made them the backdrop for the greatest (worst) match in FTUW history.

WW: That’s right, the prison is populated with actors who have been coerced to believe they are actually the characters they played on Oz. The one exception is Harold Perrineau here, who is joining us for commentary voluntarily in the character of Augustus Hill. Oz viewers will remember that Hill was an inmate as well as the narrator, so although JR and I will provide commentary from our usual safe distance, it’s only fair that Hill’s commentary should be provided from within the prison.

Perrineau: What? Shit, they told me y’all were crazy! Forget this!

As Perrineau tries to run away, Warrior grabs him by the collar and pulls him back.

WW: The only thing is, you’re not quite Hill yet!

Warrior lifts him onto his shoulders for a torture rack. He then jumps and comes down on his knees, breaking Perrineau’s back and severing his spine, turning him, de facto, into Augustus Hill. The actor’s eyes go wide with shock and pain as he is dumped into a wheelchair. All he can do is caterwaul in agony at the destruction of half his body as a uniformed FTUW soldier pushes his new permanent conveyance out of arena and into Oz.

JR: I am disgusted to have been a party to this.

WW: Unlike our competitors, don’t count on seeing me on my knees again anytime soon!

JR: Let’s go to the match.

Hill: Oh god … my body …

FTUW Soldier: Just read this.

The soldier hands Hill a card to read.

Hill: Prisoner 6047455 – Robert McCoy. Convicted September 2, 2006. Possession of a controlled substance. Accessory to murder. Obstruction of traffic.

Footage of Robert McCoy’s crimes, shot on video, play. After finally being rehabilitated for his injuries from King Shit of Fuck Planet, a male nurse carries his limbless body out of the hospital and sets it down in the street. The nurse walks away satisfied, dusting his hands as McCoy tries to roll out of the road. A shitty old Chevy sedan comes screaming wildly down the street; McCoy frantically tries to squirm away, but ends up being hit by the bumper and sailing 20 yards. The driver, a wiry young Hispanic man, gets out and starts running, but it’s too late. Another car comes around the corner toward McCoy and the driver. When it comes near, two men lean out the windows and slaughter the young man with assault rifles. As he falls, several syringes filled with heroin tumble out of his pocket, lodging in McCoy’s flesh and causing him to ride the white horse. In the last scene of the flashback, a cop handcuffs McCoy by placing the cuff around his neck, and the other cuff around a parking meter, unintentionally hanging him.

Hill: Sentence: Life imprisonment. Up for parole … if he wins the match.

McCoy is shown rolling end over end through Emerald City, dragging his sheets and pillow behind him with his mouth. As he rolls, several disgusting fiends laugh and rub their cocks through their pants.

WW: It seems Robert McCoy is entering Oz already addicted to tits!

JR: Tits, of course, being Oz slang for heroin. One of the surest ways to get yourself killed – or worse.

Robert McCoy’s head jerks to the side, the first pang of withdrawal.

Hill: Prisoner K0K5M0K3R – Bunzo Arakaki. Convicted September 1, 2006. Assault with a deadly weapon. Manslaughter. Rape. Public lewdness. Sodomy.

More video footage, this time of Bunzo. The chink – sorry, Jap – leaves a fast food restaurant in Japantown carrying a carton of hot and sour soup in both hands. Walking by an Italian street thug trimming his fingernails with a knife, he trips and bumps into him, plunging the knife into his chest. Bunzo regains his balance and apologizes before he sees the man’s vacant, dead eyes, and the knife jutting out of his heart. As the thug slumps over, he screams and tosses the soup over his head in shock. He turns to run but bumps into a huge black man, who is wearing Bunzo’s soup all over his head. He grabs Bunzo by the back of the shirt and lifts him up, pulling the shirt over his head. Bunzo flails, accidentally catching his shoelace in the zipper of the nigra’s pants. His pants drop around his ankles, and he lets go of Bunzo in order to pick them up. Bunzo, his vision obscured by his shirt, stumbles around and bumps into the guy, who, with his ankles fastened together by his pants, falls flat on his face. Bunzo topples on top of the guy, crotch to ass, which is how the cop finds them a moment later. The next shot is a judge’s gavel slamming down. Also pictured: the hugest frown in human history plastered across Bunzo Arakaki’s face.

Sentence: Life. Up for parole … if he wins the match.

Bunzo enters Emerald City clutching his blankets to his chest like they’re armor that’s going to protect him from the glares coming from every prisoner in the room. He is insanely nervous, almost crying, and makes no effort to hide this. Imagine Raymond K. Hessel from Fight Club. At one point he trips and drops all his shit.

WW: Bunzo Arakaki enters Oz similarly disadvantaged. He’s already made enemies of the Italians and the blacks just by the crimes that landed him here.

JR: Normally, longtime inmates who might currently find themselves opposed to those groups would approach him with an “enemy of my enemy is my friend” philosophy, but being that he has nothing to offer anyone, I think the warmest reception he can expect is none at all.

A slow pan around the prison shows that every single inmate is giving him an eviler eye than can possibly exist outside of prison. Judging by Bunzo’s face, an analysis of his brain activity would reveal him to be on the brink of full blown insanity from the terror in his soul.

WW: Both wrestlers have been assigned to Emerald City, an experimental unit where prisoners have greater liberties, provided that they obey the rules. The goal will be to achieve a pinfall, but they will be operating within the normal rules of Oz.

JR: The match will take place during a typical day at Oz. Day is about to begin now, and the prisoners, including the two fighters, are now inside their cells.

The lights switch on in Emerald City.

Guard: COUNT!

The doors of all the glass cells unlock. Out of each cell come two inmates. On one side of the floor, bunking with Robert Rebadow, is Robert McCoy.

JR: Bob Rebadow is one of the oldest inmates at Oz. He was sentenced to death several decades ago, but survived his execution and had his sentence commuted to life.

Rebadow: You’re going to win your fight and escape this place. God told me so.

McCoy: Whatever, old man, I just need to get my hands on something to calm my nerves and then I’ll take care of him and get out of here.

On the opposite side of the floor, bunking with Simon Adebisi, is Bunzo Arakaki. He has bags under his eyes and he’s shivering.

WW: It doesn’t look like Bunzo slept last night.

JR: That might be because he was bunked with Adebisi, one of the most ruthless fictional characters in history.

WW: God damn it, he’s black, he has gay sex, and he does drugs, but there’s something about him that rubs me the right way. He deserves better, you know?

JR: Warrior, you have a knack for ferreting out a person’s worst characteristics and giving them the appreciation they deserve.

Adebisi shoves Bunzo’s head for no reason and then laughs kind of the way the Count from Sesame Street would if he were voiced by Barry White. Then he moves his hat even further down the side of his head.

JR: Now that the morning count is complete, the prisoners will have limited freedom to do as they wish.

McCoy rolls over to a fat black guy sitting at the bottom of the staircase.

JR: That’s Poet, as portrayed by the actor muMs da Schemer.

Poet: Taken! From my bitch, my girl, taken from the streets that I love, the picture of, a power above, put in this damn jail cell, this damn jail is Hell, got nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, can’t let them see me cry, I wanna give up but I gotta try, I …

McCoy: That’s great, do you know where I can get something to, you know … take the edge off?

Poet: For real, you got money?

McCoy: Uh …

Poet: Don’t worry about it, first one’s free. He hands him a capsule of heroin.

On the other side of Emerald City, Bunzo watches from a corner and bites his nails.

Bunzo: Oh kami, he’s plotting against me! He’s going to form an alliance with the dark men and have them kill me!

Bunzo scurries away, biting his fingernails. He is intercepted by a tall, goateed black man with a white skullcap.

WW: It’s Kareem Said, the leader of the Muslims in Oz.

Bunzo: Oh no! A dark man!

Said: I am a dark man, but my heart is filled with the light of Allah. You look like a man in need of help.

Bunzo: Help, yes! I need help killing a man!

Said: Then I cannot help you. For a deed such as that you would need to enlist true scum, perhaps an Aryan.

Bunzo: The Aryans … yatta!

JR: Let’s now go see how Robert McCoy is doing.

Robert McCoy is sitting on his bed, with white powder on his upper lip. Then someone comes in through the door.

WW: That’s Cyril O’Reilly. He suffered a head injury before coming to Oz and now has an IQ of 55.

Cyril: Escuse me, youwah sitteeng om my bed.

McCoy says and does nothing.

Cyril: Escuse me.

McCoy just stares.

Cyril: Mistah, I want you ta leave.

McCoy: (lazily) I want you to leave.

Cyril’s face contorts into a hideous grimace. His expression conveys a purer rage than a wiser man can possibly know.

Cyril: I HATE YOU!

Cyril picks up McCoy’s 60 pound body, inverts it, and fucking piledrives him onto the floor so hard it cracks! However, McCoy just flops down and slowly rolls out the open door.

JR: It looks like Robert McCoy is temporarily invincible thanks to the drugs!

WW: We’ll see if he thinks it was worth it in a few hours.

JR: Now let’s return to Bunzo Arakaki and see what he’s up to.

Bunzo approaches a group of several men who are all standing and talking.

Bunzo: Pardon, but are you gentlemen Aryans?

The biggest, most musclebound one of them turns around.

JR: That’s Chuckie Pancamo. He’s the toughest muscle in the Italian crew, and I don’t think he’s happy to see the man convicted of killing one of his countrymen in public.

Pancamo: Va fungule, you short prick. You’re gonna be tits up before the day is done.

Bunzo, who had been enjoying the last few minutes of only about 75% of the maximum amount of fear his brain could comprehend, freezes as stiff as a board. After several awkward seconds, he manages to walk away, but looks like he’s doing the robot (the dance, don’t ask). Someone sitting at a table whistles and motions for him to approach.

WW: That man is Vern Schillinger, the leader of Oz’s chapter of the Aryan Brotherhood and an all around asshole. While my rhetoric falls short of open white supremacy, I am in favor of his other ideals.

JR: What ideals? Every aspect of his personality serves his hatred of all non-white people.

WW: I said what I said, and I’m not taking it back.

Bunzo stands in front of Schillinger, who motions for him to sit down.

Schillinger: I wouldn’t normally make a deal with a chink, but you yellow fellers are the closest thing to white, and you did kill a nigger and a Catholic. We can let you into the Brotherhood, where you’ll have a lot of backup muscle if you want to take care of this mick.

Bunzo: M-m-m-mick?

Schillinger: Yeah, McCoy. But you gotta do something for us.

Bunzo: I h-have nothing to pay with.

Schillinger raises an eyebrow.

JR: Time to check in on Robert McCoy again.

McCoy hobbles on his nonexistent stumps, three inches at a time, while the world spins around him (he’s high, don’t ask). Then, someone stops him.

Poet: You got my fuckin’ money?

McCoy: I thought you said the first one was free.

Poet: Next time I ask, you gonna have my money or else something bad gonna happen to you!

WW: It’s been about 20 seconds so let’s check back on Bunzo.

Bunzo is bent over in a dark closet crying while Schillinger rapes his asshole.

WW: You know, I don’t have as much of a problem with it when it’s Schillinger doing it.

JR: Time for lunch! Robert McCoy is probably coming down from his high about now.

Robert McCoy inches forward across the cafeteria floor like a worm, pushing his tray with his nose. By means that will not be described here, he manages to get his tray onto the table and his body onto the seat. He addresses the person sitting across the table from him.

McCoy: Hi, I’m Robert McCoy. I’d shake your hand, but … you know.

Alvarez: Hi, I’m Miguel Alvarez. My self esteem is too low to ever do anything. I want to kill myself, but I won’t.

WW: What a thrilling character! What’s Bunzo doing?

Bunzo is sitting and crying while eating – except he’s not actually sitting, he’s hovering above the bench so that his ass isn’t touching. Someone comes and sits down across from him.

JR: It’s Ryan O’Reilly, Cyril’s older brother!

Ryan: Hey man, it sucks what that Aryan bastard did to you. I think you might be barkin’ up the wrong tree with those guys. Now, call me crazy, just because my M.O. is to convince other, weaker people to commit my crimes for me, with it usually ending up badly for them, but I think you should take care of that McCoy asshole solo. You should get a weapon and take care of him.

Bunzo: Where do I get a weapon?

Ryan: There’s lots in the infirmary. You just have to fake being sick or injured. Or the real thing will do too.

Bunzo: Arigato, but I don’t plan on going to the infirmary.

WW: Lunchtime is over. Let’s see what’s new for McCoy.

Robert McCoy is in one of Oz’s many dark closets, finishing stacking boxes, which is funny because how did he manage to stack the rest of them, when Poet comes in the door.

Poet: So, prag, you got my fuckin’ money?

McCoy: Sorry, I don’t, but look at me. No arms and no legs. What can you take away from me?

Poet: I’ll think of something.

Poet leaves. Just before the door closes, Chuckie Pancamo slides in.

Pancamo: You the guy that’s got beef with the chink? He killed a member of my family, so we got a mutual enemy. If you wanna do something about it, I thought I would facilitate you.

Pancamo pulls a shiv out of his pants and goes to hand it to him, but something is wrong. He falls over in a heap with an even bigger knife sticking out of his back. A shadowy figure behind him steps into the light.

JR: That’s Christopher Keller! He’s not the toughest guy in Oz, but as you can see he loves killing people, whether he has a good reason or not.

Keller: Fuck that sissy knife. (He pulls his huge machete out of Pancamo’s back and gives it to McCoy handle first. McCoy takes it in his mouth.) Use this one!

McCoy hops out of the closet, a man on a mission.

Keller: (Starts masturbating while thinking about how badass he is)

McCoy hops up behind Bunzo as he’s walking, but because he can’t move quickly, it takes him a long time. While he’s hopping, everybody sees him, which tips off Bunzo that he should turn around.

Bunzo: OH NO! GAIJIN!

McCoy: DIE!

McCoy slices at Bunzo, but misses his stomach. However, Bunzo reflexively puts up his right hand to block, and ends up having it severed on the spot!

JR: McCoy finally draws first blood! Bunzo Arakaki has been maimed!

Bunzo goes down howling and clutching his wrist as guards seize McCoy.

JR: It looks like Arakaki is going to the infirmary, and McCoy to solitary. If McCoy can’t fight then this might go on much longer than planned.

WW: JR, you’re as naïve as ever. This is the FTUW – of course they’ll find a way to massacre each other.

Bunzo lies in his hospital bed, sniffling and cradling his severed hand. He’s always backed down from defending himself, but this is the first time anything like this has happened. It feels different when someone has taken something real from him. Where’s his pride, dammit! He’s going to start doing something about his life, starting right now! He waits until no one is around, and then sneaks out of bed into the AIDS ward.

WW: Watch, JR. What you’re going to see will prove that queering don’t make the world work.

Lining both sides of the wall are hospital beds filled with mostly gay men. The disease is in various stages of progression in their bodies. Bunzo swipes a hypodermic needle and approaches the sickest, gayest one he can find.

Fag: What are you doing?

Bunzo: I get REVENGE!

With one hand, he sticks the syringe in the fag’s arm, draws some blood, and hides the needle in his thick black hairdo. He then returns to his bed.

JR: This is starting to get interesting! In contrast to that, let’s check on the guy in solitary.

McCoy is sitting (although he could also be lounging, lying, standing, crouching … it’s hard to tell with no arms or legs) on his bed alone. Suddenly, the door swings open. A female prison guard enters.

WW: It’s Officer Claire Howell, the ugly whore who likes to have illicit sex with prisoners!

Howell: I understand you’ve got places to be. Well, you do something special for me and I’ll make sure you get out of here as quickly as I deem appropriate.

McCoy: If you’re talking about sex, I’m not really suited for it unless you want to ride me like a sack of flour with a dildo sticking out of it.

Howell: Not quite sex, but you’re close. What I want from you is something other men can’t give me.

She drops her pants and grabs McCoy against his will. She turns him upside down and presses his face against her snatch. She then begins rapidly vibrating his entire body. Moaning with pleasure at her new toy, she doesn’t notice McCoy breathing in deeply through his nose. With a mighty exhale through his mouth, he blows a giant air bubble into her vagina! The urban myth is proven true as the air immediately dissolves into her blood and travels to her brain, killing her. He pulls the baton from her belt and hops out the door.

JR: McCoy has killed a guard! He’s got until they catch him to finish this, or he’s going to wind up on death row, and he knows it!

WW: It’s time for work detail, so let’s see what Arakaki is doing in the mailroom!

Bunzo, his stump bandaged up, stands out a bit among the rest of the Aryans in the mailroom. However, his mind is elsewhere.

Schillinger: You look like your mind is elsewhere.

Bunzo: Is this all I’ve ever done? Back down from everything? From now on, no one takes from me unless they’re willing to pay the price, and that starts with Robert McCoy.

Schillinger: Good luck with that.

Bunzo: I’ll wait days, months, even decades if I have to, but Robert McCoy will pay with his life. My honor means everything to me, and soon everyone will know that.

Nobody is listening.

JR: McCoy time!

McCoy is hopping down the hall when he runs into some fag with curly blonde hair.

WW: That’s Tobias Beecher! He was a trial lawyer convicted of DWI and sentenced to Oz as an example to other white collar criminals.

Beecher: You’re McCoy, right? Listen, I know what it’s like for you.

McCoy: (He spits out the baton) You used to have no limbs?

Beecher: No, I’m a regular guy like you who made one mistake and ended up in Hell. I had to adjust real fast, and in order to stay alive I did a complete 180 and became a lot of things I’m not proud of. I’ve been involved in a lot of deaths here, and a lot of sorrow.

McCoy: Yeah, death and sorrow. How’d that work out?

Beecher: Fine, except basically every member of my family ended up getting murdered in order to hurt me.

McCoy: (Scoffs) You couldn’t even defend your family? Family is all that’s left over after everything else disappears. Family is the core of a man’s life. You disgust me.

McCoy picks up his baton and hops in the direction of the mailroom. He reaches the door and prepares to enter.

JR: Over to Bunzo!

Bunzo Arakaki is sorting packages while glaring straight ahead. For a moment, the light catches the needle in his hair perfectly, and it glistens. Suddenly, the door slams open. Bunzo’s head snaps to attention toward the person entering the room.

McCoy: Alright, where’s Bunzo Arakaki?

The Aryans all shrug or ignore him. McCoy looks around and doesn’t see Bunzo. Then he begins slowly walking through the room.

McCoy: He’s not really very memorable, but … he’s an Aryan, so I guess he’s probably white … I believe he’s bald …

The camera shows that Bunzo is crouched on top of a bookcase above McCoy’s head, HIV-infected needle in hand, ready to strike!

WW: Holy shit! The chink has the upper hand!

Schillinger: Hey, McCoy, you’ve got a package here.

Bunzo silently slides down off the bookcase.

Schillinger: Says it’s from Poet. (He hands it to him)

Bunzo approaches Robert McCoy from behind. McCoy opens the package.

JR: This is it! Bunzo doesn’t care if he gets a pinfall or not, he’s looking for revenge!

Bunzo raises the needle above his head, about to plunge it downward into McCoy’s flesh! But McCoy looks inside the package and sees something he doesn’t like!

McCoy: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

JR: What is it! What’s in that box!

WW: It’s a head!

JR: BAH GAWD! It’s the head of McCoy’s ex-wife!

WW: That’s not all! Inside her mouth is the head of McCoy’s son!

McCoy: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO GOD NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

JR: Those screams are louder than a jet engine inside a two car garage!

Everyone in the room cups their hands over their ears, including Bunzo! However, he forgets to drop the needle first and plunges it into his temple!

WW: Jesus Christ! Bunzo Arakaki has just given himself a shot of HIV directly into his own brain!

Overwhelmed by the intense rush of incurable disease into his body, Bunzo falls over backwards. Just then, McCoy, overtaken with grief, also falls backward in a faint, landing partially on top of Bunzo. In comes the referee to count the pin!

JR: That’s no referee! That’s Warden Leo Glynn!

Glynn slides in and starts the count!

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!

WW: Robert McCoy wins! Bunzo Arakaki is now an HIV-positive amputee serving a life sentence in Oz!

JR: This would make him heir to McCoy’s title of unluckiest man in the world, except he had to get addicted to heroin, and his son and his son’s mother were horrendously murdered, for him to get this victory!

Hill: “You can’t win ‘em all,” or so they say. Except in Oz, you just can’t win. Period.

HWAUH (Oz theme song plays)
Yogurtman
Odin
Joined: 03 Jan 2007
Posts: 2248
(Fri Feb 23, 2007 1:52 am)
Reply

Post     Re: FTUW'S RAPIST'S PARADISE (#19)

Baron von Toity is in his office, cackling over how badly Bunzo was raped and how McCoy's family was slaughtered. Wilson knocks on the door and enters.

"Someone here to see you sir."

Von Toity gunts, which is interpreteed as a yes. He doesn't even turn his head (not that he could) from the monitor as the mysterious man in the hooded sweatshirt enters the room.

"Oh, it's you. Are you ready to make you debut?"

The man in the hooded sweatshirt nods.

"Well leave me be then. I'll be out after the next match to introduce you."

The stranger leaves the room, accidently bumping into a light technician along the way. The technician gets an extremely brief look at the stranger's face.

"Did that man have...antennae?!"

W.W.: So Japan has been destroyed?

J.R.: Yes.

W.W.: Handsomus and My Head Hurts 90 turned into a huge cock and, uh, and they impaled the island with a giant cum rocket?

J.R.: Umm. Yeah.

W.W.: Well.

J.R.: Yes.

W.W.: I guess we should get on with our next match.

J.R.: And what a match we have for you tonight! In recent weeks, Ant King has been haunted by a beast of a competitor known as KING THUNDER who had been traveling the global, defeating the champions of every country in an effort to declare himself the WORLD’S STRONGEST. With our country the only one left and Ant King the reigning American champion, he quickly became King Thunder’s next target. Toity, however, didn’t want the FTUW American title defended outside an FTUW event and threatened to FIRE ANT KING if he participated in the PPV. However, Ant King’s honor as a MAN wouldn’t allow him to sit idly by as he was TAUNTED as a COWARD. He killed King Thunder in an incredible battle and subsequently murdered his longtime friend and manager, Piccolo, by unloading an AK-47 clip into his face. And with that act, he was stripped of his title and fired.

W.W.: You know, I’m usually on board with Toity’s decisions but this … it makes my blood boil, Jim. Literally. My blood rises up to about 185 degrees Fahrenheit whenever I drive by an abortion clinic or I see a guy in shorts or when I’m on the west coast. But now, this just doesn’t sit right with me, Jim. Ant King was ALL-AMERICAN. Coursing through his RADIOACTIVE BLOOD was RED, WHITE, and BLUE BLOOD CELLS. He was the damned finest American champion we’ve ever had.

J.R.: He’s the only American champion we’ve ever had.

W.W.: J-! G-GOD DAMNIT, ROSS! DIDN’T I JUST TELL YOU MY FUCKING BLOOD IS BOILING? I SWEAR TO GOD I’LL BITE MY BICEP OPEN AND SCALD THAT FROZEN MUG OF YOURS. YOU CAN’T AFFORD TO GET MUCH UGLIER, JIM. FUCK.

J.R.: Anyway, we have two COMPETITORS LEFT. Longtime rival and fellow Princes of the Universe member, HARD’ROK, against the guy who hates the FTUW really bad, John Baines McGuiness.

W.W.: Why is that guy’s fucking problem, anyway? We FTUW wrestlers now have immunity! I only compete every once in awhile but the other day these Chevron guys didn’t even bat an eyelash when I started stealing gas.

J.R.: Is that right?

W.W.: Well, yeah, but someone called the police when I dragged the pump across the street and started burning down a dormitory at some queer liberal arts college.

J.R.: Well.

W.W.: And it came in useful today when I scored a huge cache of drugs for this very match!

J.R.: What are you talking about?

W.W.: Who gives a shit about this match if Ant King is no longer in it? Hard’WHO? John Baines McWHAT? Where’s the SELLING POWER? We didn’t update the card to reflect that Ant King would no longer be participating until right before the PPV for a reason. BUYRATES, MY FRIEND. I love FTUW more than my many dead wives. And with a little stop to the boss’ office, I’ve gained a FEW BOOKING PRIVILEDGES. Also, I just saw the movie Crank because, like the main character, if I’m not totally devoting myself to being intense and having a pint of adrenaline coursing through my veins I will fucking die.

J.R.: Is that true?

W.W.: I don’t know because it’s never happened. You don’t get off the Warrior ride, NOT EVER. And the day it stops is the DAY I DIE. And Warrior’s only going to fucking die when Warrior decides HE’S DONE LIVING. Which, I guess according to what I said earlier, is when THE INTENSITY ENDS. Which is never. Regardless, even now I’m seeing if my right arm can rip off my left arm to keep the adrenaline rushing through my huge, manly veins.

J.R.: I was wondering what you were doing. So, there’s going to be lots of drug use in this match?

W.W.: MANDATORY DRUG USE. Random syringes are scattered around the ring and also the turnbuckles are rigged to shoot syringes.

J.R.: Interesting!

W.W.: And probably more things I’ll make up as I go along.

Lightning: The following match is for the FTUW AMERICAN CHAMPIONSHIP! Coming to the ring first, from Massachusetts I think since the roster isn’t on the old board anymore for some reason … JOHN BAINES MCGUINESSSSS!!

John Baines McGuiness comes out in a three piece suit before flexing and exploding the fabric off his body. He then randomly punches a fan in the face, knocking the fan’s teeth down his throat and causing him to choke to death, because he hates people who love the FTUW. John Baines rounds the ring, slams the time keeper’s face into the bell, and leaps over the top rope.

Lightning: And his opponent, from the New Empire of the Damned … HARD’ROOOOKKKKKKK!!

Hard’Rok and Gigi barrel towards the ring in their Gothbuggy, a 8 x 10 glossy of Raven sitting in the backseat on top of a wreath of black thorns. They pull up to the side of the ring and Hard’Rok slides over the hood and rolls under the bottom rope.

J.R.: Both competitors are here, Warrior! One of these two men will be crowned the NEW FTUW CHAMPION TONIGHT!

The bell rings and HARD’ROK SNAPS FORWARD LIKE A WHIP, pulling out a STEEL CHAIR from a sleeve since the FTUW has long given up on trying to prevent wrestlers from using weapons since a lot of wrestlers in the FTUW are filled with or made out of weapons. Before Baines can react HARD’ROK WRAPS THE CHAIR AROUND BAINES’ HEAD.

J.R.: A VICIOUS SHOT FROM HARD’ROK! He’s wasting no time here!

The METAL WARPS around Baines head and forms a JAGGED HELMET. Immediately HARD’ROK produces two more chairs and DUAL WIELDS THEM, crashing them like CYMBALS on BAINES’ FACE and adding TWO MORE CHAIRS to the PILE OF STEEL.

W.W.: Hard’Rok has been fighting for this title for months now! It was almost in his grasp and, for some inexplicable reason, that FAGGOT QUEER KRYSTOL interfered in his CELL IN THE HELL MATCH and STOLE THE BELT. It was after that BOTH GUAN FEI and ANT KING carried the belt through some IMPRESSIVE TITLE REIGNS.

HARD’ROK LEAPS INTO THE AIR and SLAMS HIS FEET into BAINES’ FACE, SOMEHOW SHOOTING CHAIRS OUT OF HIS PANT LEGS THAT REBOUND OFF MCGUINESS’ METAL DOME. Blood drips down onto Baines’ chest as he STUMBLES across the canvas, his VISION OBSCURED by CHAIRS and DISORIENTED FROM THE VICIOUS BLOWS. HARD’ROK slams ANOTHER CHAIR ON TOP, JOINED THE HELMET with THE REST OF THEM, and causing JOHN BAINES to SLINK ON THE ROPES. Hard’Rok produces TWO MORE CHAIRS and DROPS THEM ON BAINES ARMS, wrapping the steel INSTANTANEOUSLY AROUND HIS FOREARMS, BINDING HIM TO THE ROPES!

J.R.: Bah Gawd! Hard’Rok has pinned him to that corner of the ring! HE CAN’T DEFEND HIMSELF.

BAINES STRUGGLES AGAINST HIS METAPHORICAL CHAINS, which are actually chairs, as HARD’ROK HOLDS A STEEL CHAIR ABOVE HIS HEAD and COLLECTS HIS SPACE VALHALLIAN’S BODY’S ENERGIES INTO HIS ARMS.

“CHAIR SHOT! LEVEL ONE!!” HARD’ROK SCREAMS, EXPLODING THE CHAIR on THE METAL MASK ON BAINES’ SKULL, shattering his weapon into only CHAIR LEGS.

W.W.: BAINES IS UP SHIT CREEK WITHOUT A PADDLE AND ALSO HIS BOAT IS MADE OF SHIT.

John Baines slumps down lifelessly, his arms keeping him standing as Hard’Rok wipes the sweat from his eyes and also his eyeliner. He turns to GIGI and gives her THE THUMBS UP. GIGI reaches into the back of the GOTHBUGGY and YANKS OUT a STEEL CHAIR. But not just any steel chair, it IS JET-BLACK WITH FLAME DECALS with “MURDERMAKER” scrawled ACROSS THE SEAT. Also, the chair is one molecule thick.

J.R.: Bah Gawd! If my doctorate in PHYSICS I had branded on the side of a steer is worth anything, that makes that chair the SHARPEST OBJECT IN THE UNIVERSE!

GIGI TOSSES THE CHAIR INTO THE AIR and HARD’ROK LEAPS AWAY IN FRIGHT. The chair seemingly vanishes into the mat except for itss legs.

“Geez! Don’t throw it!” Hard’Rok says as carefully PICKS the CHAIR UP by its legs. He turns to the unconscious Baines still bound to the ropes with chairs and who is covered in chairs.

”I’ll show you the destructive power of the New Empire of the Damned’s groundbreaking technology and the Space Valhallian’s desire to turn that peaceful technology into something that kills you!” Hard’Rok smirks before CHARGING FORWARD. HE TAKES THE CHAIR AND SLASHES IT DOWN THROUGH JOHN BAINES’ FUCKING HEAD AND THROUGH HIS CROTCH.

J.R.: BAH GAWD!! BAH GAWD!! HE CUT JOHN BAINES IS FUCKING HALF!

W.W.: Wait, WHAT THE HELL?!

The camera DRAMATICALLY REVEALS ... THAT NOTHING HAPPENED! John Baines is still INTACT!

J.R.: Of course! It all makes sense now! If the chair is a molecule thick, it can’t CUT ANYTHING. It’ll JUST PASS THROUGH IT!

Hard’Rok repeatedly slashes BAINES with no effect so he TOSSES THE CHAIR out of the ring in a huff.

“Get THE LESS SHARP but STILL PRETTY DAMN SHARP CHAIR, GIGI!” Hard’Rok points, “The CORPSECAUSER! I got another plan!”

GIGI TOSSES THE CHAIR, Hard’Rok SLASHES THE OPPOSITE TURNBUCKLE FROM BAINES with HIS CHAIR, SEVERING ITS CONNECTION TO THE RING. Tossing the weapon he could have just disemboweled Baines with into the crowd which lands safely in an empty seat that used to be occupied by someone who’s currently at the restroom, HARD’ROK LEAPS ONTO THE TURNBUCKLE. HE RIDES THE TURNBUCKLE until it FLIES INTO THE GROUND, smashing a bunch of people’s faces, AS THE ROPES PULL TIGHTER AND TIGHTER.

W.W.: It was obviously a good decision to make the ropes out of bungie cords.

AS THE ROPES REACH THEIR APEX OF STRETCHINESS, Hard’ROK GENTLY GRABS a FAN BY HIS EARS TO KEEP HIMSELF IN POSITION.

“Just hold on a little longer!” Hard’Rok says to the GUY WHO’S FACE IS RAPT IN AGONY. A FLOURISH OF BLOOD SPRAYS INTO THE GROUND AS THE FAN’S FACE IS TORN FROM HIS BODY AND HARD’ROK IS SENT RIDING THE TURNBUCKLE LIKE A TORPEDO STRAIGHT TOWARDS JOHN BAINES!

W.W.: HOLY FUCKING SHIT!

“YEEEHAW!” HARD’ROK SLAPS THE TURNBUCKLE AS HE RIDES. AS HE CLOSES IN ON JOHN BAINES, BAINES SNAPS HIS RIGHT ARM FREE FROM THE ROPES. AS HARD’ROK CLOSES IN, JOHN BAINES THROWS A DESPERATE RIGHT THAT DRIVES ITSELF INTO HARD’ROK’S GODDAMNED FACE! HOWEVER, THE FUCKING TORPEDO SLAMS INTO BAINES’ GUT, CAUSING BLOOD TO SHOOT FROM THE CRACKS IN HIS CHAIR HELMET AND SENDING HIM AND THE TURNBUCKLE BLASTING INTO THE CROWD! BAINES FALLS OFF THE STEEL SPEAR AND COLLAPSES IN THE CROWD AS FANS ARE TURNED TO BLOOD AND INTESTINES ARE WRAPPED TIGHTLY AROUND THE COLUMN. It collides with Robert McCoy’s formerly estranged daughter, Trish, who was slowly learning to love her father again and came to cheer him on at this Pay-Per-View. It pins her to the wall and she dies a horrible and painful death that lasts over 7 hours because basically that same thing that happened in Signs is happening here. She clutches in her hand a letter from her father wherein he invited her to this Pay-Per-View and attached the ticket for the very seat that put her in the line of the ring post. An inebriated sociopath that stumbled from the Drunk Zone idly masturbates to her as tears cascade down her cheeks.

J.R.: I think I forgot to say “Bah Gawd” so BAAAAAAH GAAAAWD!! HARD’ROK JAW MUST be SHATTERED but at LEAST WE CAN SAFELY SAY JOHN BAINES IS DEAD!

W.W.: THIS IS THE FTUW, J.R.! No one is dead unless they are liquefied into blood or their death is confirmed by aliens monitoring their life signs from orbit!

ON CUE, JOHN BAINES STUMBLES UP FROM THE BROKEN PILE OF BODIES and BEGINS WALKING TOWARDS THE RING. Hard’Rok stumbles around the ring, blood dripping from his lumpy, sack of a jaw. HE TURNS to SEE BAINES TEARING the STEEL FROM HIS FACE FRANTICALLY as HE WALKS TOWARDS THE RING.

J.R.: B-BUT HOW?! HE DOESN’T EVEN SEEM TO CARE!

W.W.: LOOK CLOSELY, JIM!

THE CAMERA ZOOMS IN TO REVEAL SEVERAL SYRINGES JUTTING FROM BAINES’ BACK.

J.R.: The RINGPOST he was strapped to … HE WAS SHOT FULL OF DRUGS! BUT WHAT KIND?

W.W.: THE BEST KIND. ADRENALINE, MORPHINE, and MUSCLE STIMULANTS. HE’S OUT OF HIS GODDAMNED MIND, NOW!

BAINES LEAPS INTO THE RING AS HIS AB MUSCLES FLEX REPEATEDLY OUT OF CONTROL, VEINS BULGING FROM FUCKING EVERYWHERE.

J.R.: HIS MUSCLES WERE SO TENSE THAT THE RING POST COULDN’T IMPALE HIM! Amazing but surely his RIBS MUST BE BROKEN!

W.W.: HE DOESN’T KNOW! Hell, all he knows right now IS FUCKING KILLING!

As HARD’ROK RAISES HIS HEAD TO JOHN BAINES MCGUINESS BLOOD-STAINED BODY, HE RIPS OFF THE LAST BIT OF CHAIR FROM HIS SKULL TO REVEAL TWO STARK WHITE, BULGING EYEBALLS BEHIND A CRIMSON MASK! HE GRITS HIS TEETH SO HARD ONE OF HIS INCISORS EXPLODES.

“Orrr man …” Hard’Rok mutters as he climbs to his feet, slurring with his broken jaw, “Yorrr rook pissed …”

IMMEDIATELY A HEAVY ARM IMPALES HARD’ROK, SENDING BLOOD SPRAYING FROM HIS MOUTH AND HIS BODY FLYING OUT OF THE RING. AS HE FALLS, NUMEROUS STEEL CHAIRS WITH KNUCKLE MARKS ENGRAVED IN THEM SLIP OUT OF HIS SHIRT. HARD’ROK LANDS ON THE HOOD OF THE GOTHBUGGY.

J.R.: FUCK!

“Owwww …” Hard’Rok mutters.

“Rokky! Are you OK?” GIGI RUSHES TO HIS SIDE.

“Do I look orrkay?” Hard’Rok weakly replies.

“Here! Take this! I found this needle laying on the ground! It says morphine! It’ll help the pain!” Gigi mutters.

“Gigi, I’ve played enough games of NBA Jam to know that winners don’t do drugs. And I’m going to win tonight … THE FTUW AMERICAN TITLE!”

“Shut up and take it,” GIGI says, slamming the needle into his neck. HARD’ROK KIPS to his feet and LEAPS BACK TO THE RING while Baines, confused in his drug-induced and rage-filled state of mind, got into a fist fight with one of the remaining ring posts.

J.R.: And Hard’Rok is BACK with a face full of painkillers! I don’t know about his chances, though! It doesn’t matter if he can’t feel anything, John Baines is PUMPED FULL of BULL HORMONES and ADRENALINE and other AWESOME THINGS and he looks like he’s DETERMINED to TEAR HARD’ROK APART!

Hard’Rok produces a CHAIR from his SLEEVE. And then another! And another! Like a magician’s handkerchief, the CHAIRS CONTINUE to RUSH FROM HIS ARM in the FORM OF A CHAIN OF CHAIRS.

“It’s the TRIPLE SECRET FORBIDDEN TECHNIQUE!” Gigi shouts to herself, “Chairway to Heaven!”

HARD’ROK SWINGS DOWN his ROW OF CHAIRS, THE STEEL CRASHING ON BAINES’ SKULL. Of course, Baines is so FUCKED OUT OF HIS MIND that he doesn’t really seem to notice despite (more) blood trickling down his face. BAINES UPPERCUTS the LINE OF CHAIRS, SENDING THEM SKYWARDS, AND HE RUSHES FORWARD. BAINES SLAMS ALTERNATING HOOKS into HARD’ROK’S RIBS, CAUSING HIM TO SPEW THE CHEERIOS HE HAD EARLIER IN THE DAY. His BODY’S DAMAGE IS MINIMALIZED, however, as HIS RELAXED MUSCLES ABSORB the DAMAGE rather than BAINES’ MUSCLES being SO FUCKING TENSED UP that ATTACKS CAN’T BREAK HIS BODY.

“Man, I’m totally going to be crapping blood,” Hard’Rok thinks as he floats through the air, “I always crap blood after FTUW PPVs.”

HARD’ROK falls in a HEAP on the MAT as BAINES CHARGES FORWARD. THE CHAIRS BEGIN DARTING TOWARD MCGUINESS LIKE A COBRA, SLAMMING INTO HIS THROAT. Baines SLAPS MORE CHAIRS AWAY but THE LINE CONTINUES UNFAZED, COILING AROUND HIM. HARD’ROK CAREFULLY LIFTS UP THE BOUND BAINES HIGH ABOVE THE RING. Baines FLEXES and the CHAIRS EXPLODE OFF OF HIM, RELEASING HIM FROM THE GRIP. As Baines falls, HE SLAMS HIS FISTS into the CHAIRS IN FRONT OF THEM, TEARING APART THE CHAIN as HE GETS CLOSER and CLOSER TO HARD’ROK. Hard’Rok’s chairs begin TO FLY UNDER HARD’ROK’S FEET, PRODUCING A STAIRWAY THAT HE USES to GAIN DISTANCE from BAINES. As chairs HURL THEMSELVES MAGICALLY towards BAINES, HE HEADBUTTS THEM THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY WHILE CHASING HARD’ROK UP THE CHAIRWAY.

W.W.: For a federation filled with shark pirates and potheads who can turn into living smoke, Hard’Rok has some pretty ridiculous powers.

“I don’t know why this was so forbidden. This move sucks. It’s gay,” Hard’Rok thinks to himself before BAINES DRIVES A VICIOUS AXE HANDLE ON HARD’ROK’S NECK. HARD’ROK IS SENT ROCKETING TOWARDS THE GROUND FROM THE VICIOUS BLOW as BAINES’ EYES BULGE OUT OF HIS SKULL AND FOAM POURS FROM HIS MOUTH. A plume of SMOKE RISES UP when HARD’ROK CRASHES INTO THE CONCRETE. As the smoke clears, IT IS REVEALED THAT HARD’ROK HAS BROKEN HIS FALL WITH A PILE OF CHAIRS. Which is to say that it didn’t break his fall at all.

“I’m starting to think this whole chair thing isn’t as useful as I once thought it was,” Hard’Rok mutters as he spits up a small bit of his liver. HE LOOKS to see BAINES SCREAMING “GUWOOHHHHHHH!!” while FLYING TOWARDS HIM. Hard’Rok rolls out of the way and BAINES CRASHES THROUGH THE MESS OF METAL. Hard’Rok throws a bunch of chairs on top of him in an attempt to bury him but Baines just bursts out of that and Hard’Rok comically flees.

“I have to kill this dick and now!” Hard’Rok thinks to himself as he hops into the ring. IN A FRENZY OF RAGE, BAINES rips a woman’s skull out of her face and tries to SHOVE IT ONTO HIS BULGING SKULL. All the blood vessels in his eyes explode and blood starts to drip from his tear ducts as his body continues to tear itself apart. He stumbles around, picking up a random syringe and injecting it straight into his dick. He vomits all over himself and stumbles onto the guardrail, his breath coming out as heavy, animal, wet steam despite it actually being fairly warm in the arena.

J.R.: Folks, John Baines has gone completely batshit crazy. Any second his brain is going to come exploding out of his ears.

W.W.: Stop being so melodramatic, Jim! Baines looks like a tough kid!

J.R.: He’s just lost control of his bladder and the dark color of that stain doesn’t look too good.

W.W.: A little complete destruction of your body’s organs and nervous system every now and again is good for you! Keeps your body on its toes, so to speak! I never DO DRUGS but like I said, THAT WONDERFUL FEELING THAT BAINES IS SUFFERING THROUGH RIGHT NOW is HOW I FEEL ALL THE TIME. If I didn’t tie chains around my dick I’d piss myself into dehydration.

BAINES YANKS OFF A PARAPLEGIC MAN’S ARMS OFF and TEARS THE FLESH FROM THE BONE. HE FRANTICALLY CHEWS ONTO THE TIPS OF THE BONES TO CREATE SPEARS. IMMEDIATELY HE LEAPS INTO THE RING AND FACES OFF WITH HARD’ROK. HE SPITS OUT A FINGER that lands in front of the UNSURE HARD’ROK.

”GAAAAAAH!” BAINES SCREAMS as HE HURLS ONE BONE SPEAR AT HARD’ROK. A CHAIR FLIES IN FRONT OF HARD’ROK TO SHIELD HIM BUT THE FORCE OF THE THROW WAS SO GREAT THAT IT TEARS THROUGH THE STEEL AND DRIVES STRAIGHT INTO HARD’ROK’S ARM.

“Humerus?” Hard’Rok mutters, “This is no laughing matter!” Hard’Rok attempts to YANK OUT THE BONE WHEN THE OTHER SLAMS INTO RIGHT LEG. He stumbles in a PAINKILLER HAZE TOWARD the REMAINING RING POST as BAINES LUMBERS AFTER HIM. As BAINES BEGINS TO CHARGE, HARD’ROK LEAPS BEHIND THE RING POST FOR COVER. Using his unexplained chair magic, HE SENDS A CHAIR BOOMERANGING INTO BAINES’ KNEE CAP, CAUSING HIM TO TRIP! HE FALLS HEAD FIRST INTO THE TURNBUCKLE, CAUSING A SYRINGE TO SLAM STRAIGHT INTO HIS FORHEAD.

J.R.: BAAAH GAWD!! ANOTHER ONE!

THE CAMERA CLOSES ON THE SYRINGE TO REVEAL IT SAYS “ADRENALINE.” ALMOST IMMEDIATELY BAINES DROPS TO HIS KNEES AND BEGINS TO SCREAM. HE MUSCLES FLEX SO HARD THAT HIS BICEPS TEAR THROUGH HIS SKIN. RANDOM VEINS EXPLODE ON HIS BODY AS HE CHEWS THROUGH HIS OWN FUCKING FINGERS. JOHN BAINES MCGUINNESS IS GOING THROUGH SOME FUCKED UIP SHIT.

W.W.: Now I’m starting to feel bad for him.

J.R.: NO FUCKING SHIT! HIS MUSCLES ARE GOING TO KEEP CONVULSING UNTIL EITHER THEY EXPLODE OR CRUSH HIS OWN BONES! This man’s CONSTITUTION IS NOTHING SHORT OF MIRACULOUS.

“Fuck,” Hard’Rok mutters as BAINES CLIMBS TO HIS FEET, HIS BODY PULSING NOT UNLIKE TETSUO’S AT THE END OF AKIRA EXCEPT HE’S NOT TURNING INTO A BIG FAT MONSTER. “He’s still moving! If that guy touches me he’s going tear me a new one. And although Space Valhallians all have two assholes, three is just retarded.”

IMMEDIATELY HARD’ROK BEGINS THRASHING THE SHIT OUT OF THE RING POST, CAUSING IT TO FIRE MORE AND MORE SYRINGES AT BAINES! HOWEVER HIS BODY IS FUCKING FLEXED OUT THAT THEY MERELY RICOCHET OFF OF HIM! NOTHING CAN STOP JOHN BAINES’ DEATH MARCH!

J.R.: BAAAH GAWD! BAAAH GAWD! HE’S UNSTOPPABLE!

HARD’ROK sees an ODD-LOOKING SYRINGE ON THE GROUND. UPON CLOSER INSPECTION IT IS LABELED “KEROSENE.”

J.R.: KEROSENE?!

W.W.: Don’t look at me like that, Jim. Kerosene would probably be a kinder death than having all your organs explode themselves.

HARD’ROK SCRAMBLES AND PICKS UP THE SYRINGE, CAREFULLY JAMMING IN A WOUND ON HIS CHEST. AS THE ROK SLAMS DOWN THE PLUNGER, JOHN BAINES’ RETARDED BODY TEMPERATURE FUCKING IGNITES THE KEROSENE IMMEDIATELY! FLAMES BURST FROM HIS CHEST, BURNING THE FUCK OUT OF HARD’ROK’S ARM. As HARD’ROK FRANTICALLY TRIES TO PUT HIMSELF OUT, JOHN BAINES CONTINUES MARCHING AS IF NOTHING HAPPENED!

J.R.: JESUSFUCK!

The flames quickly extinguish and smoke pours from the wound as Baines takes zombie-like steps towards HARD’ROK, his nervous system not responding as well as it used to. BAINES WALKS UP AND GRABS HARD’ROK BY HIS COLLAR. HE STARES AT HARD’ROK, HIS EYES BULGING A HALF INCH OUT OF THEIR SOCKETS, HIS GAZE REVEALING A TWISTED AGONY, A NIGHTMARISH ARMAGEDDON OF UNHOLY DESTRUCTION. HIS PIERCING GAZE CONVEYS A MADDENING WORLD OF POINTLESS SUFFERING THAT IS AS REVILED JUST AS MUCH AS IT REVERED. A VORTEX OF PERPETUAL MURDERFUCKERY WHERE FIELDS UPON FIELDS OF KILLERS SLAY INNOCENTS AS RAPISTS RAPE THE MURDERERS AND THEN HORSES RAPE THEM. Hard’Rok ponders that if he is to survive this encounter whether he should even bother being a goth anymore.

THEN BAINES RIPS OFF BOTH HIS ARMS.

J.R.: BAAAHA HGAWIFAS GAAAAWD!! HARD’ROK HAS BEEN DE-LIMBED!!

“ROKKY!” GIGI SCREAMS FROM RINGSIDE. SPACE VALHALLIAN BLOOD SPEWS FROM HARD’ROK’S STUMPS, JOHN BAINES EATING HIS ARMS AS A MASSIVE ERECTION TRIES TO TEAR ITSELF FROM HIS PELVIS.

W.W.: NOW THAT’S FUCKING INTENSE!!

Hard’Rok falls to his knees, the morphine injection leaving him with no sensation of pain. He still feels a tingly feeling of his arms being there but he can clearly see them hanging from Baines mouth.

“I’m gonna die …” Hard’Rok thinks to himself, “I’m as good as dead.”

The severed arms of Hard’Rok fall from Baines maw, ravaged. Baines looks down, gritting his bloodstained teeth.

“As good as dead …”

Baines takes a step forward.

“Dead … THAT’S IT!”

AS BAINES STEPS FORWARD HE SUDDENLY FEELS PAIN COURSING UP FROM HIS CHEST AND THROUGH HIS NECK. THE SENSATION COLLECTS ITSELF IN HIS BRAIN, CAUSING HIS VISION TO BLUR (FURTHER) AND HIM TO SUDDENLY BECOME DISORIENTED. DESPITE BEING MINDFUCKED, SOMETHING IS WRONG. SOMETHING IS HAPPENING. A SLY GRIN APPEARS ON HARD’ROK’S FACE.

“It’s been awhile since I’ve used that …” he mutters.

J.R.: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? WHAT IS HE TALKING ABOUT?

“That power had all but faded from me. I used to be able to manipulate dead bodies when I had the power of the stone. Without it, I could barely animate a dead rat. And as time went by, my powers faded more …”

VEINS ON BAINES’ SKULL BEGIN TO PULSE (HARDER) AS HE GRIPS HIS SKULL IN TERROR.

“Now I can only control smaller things. Smaller things such as … DEAD BLOOD CELLS!”

J.R.: WHAT THE SHIT?!

“IT’S TAKING ALL THE CONCENTRATION I HAVE, BUT I’M MOVING YOUR DEAD BLOOD CELLS UP INTO YOUR BRAIN TO FORM A CLOT! I’M GOING TO BE THE AMERICAN CHAMPION!”

W.W.: FUUUCCKKK!!

J.R.: I CAN’T BELIEVE IT! HE’S GOING TO GIVE HIM A STROKE!

JOHN BAINES MCGUINNESS STUMBLES AROUND THE RING SCREAMING AS HARD’ROK WILLS BAINES’ DEAD BLOOD CELLS TOWARDS HIS BRAIN. BAINES COLLAPSES ON A HEAP ON THE GROUND, HIS EYES ROLLED IN THE BACK OF HIS HEAD. HARD’ROK LEAPS ONTO HIM FOR THE COVER!

OOOOOOOOOOOOOONE!!




TWOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!




THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!! NO, A KICKOUT!! BAINES IS STILL ALIVE!!

HARD’ROK’S EYES WIDEN AS LIFE RETURNS TO BAINES’ WHITE ORBS. HE IMMEDIATELY HURLS HARD’ROK FIFTY FEET INTO THE AIR WITH HIS SUPER ARMS. BAINES STRUGGLES TO HIS FEET, HIS SKIN A DARK RED FROM ALL THE NIGHTMARISH SHIT HIS BODY HAS GONE THROUGH. AS HARD’ROK DESCENDS, BAINES DROPKICKS HIM THE FUCK OUT OF THE RING, SENDING HIM CRASHING THROUGH THE GOTHBUGGY. BAINES FALLS TO ONE KNEE AND RIPS OUT A VEIN IN HIS NECK, PREVENTING THE FUCKING BLOOD CELLS FROM TRAVELING TO HIS BRAIN FURTHER.

J.R.: Dear God, I can’t believe I’m saying this but END THIS BLOODBATH! It’s much more painful to watch two guys SUFFER ENDLESSLY than for a bunch of people to explode immediately. JUST LET THEM DIE ALREADY!

W.W.: NO WAY, JIM! THIS SHIT IS GETTING GOOD.

GIGI RUSHES OVER TO HARD’ROK WHOSE BODY HAS DEMOLISHED THE GOTHBUGGY WHEN HE FLEW FROM IT.

“I guess I really lost that power after all …” Hard’Rok spits up some blood.

“Let’s go, Rokky! The American title isn’t worth it!” Gigi begins to cry.

“No! Gigi, I must. I must continue fighting,” Hard’Rok mutters weakly.

“I’m not just doing this for me, but for that man in the ring …”

“What? Your opponent? I don’t …”

“I have to … finish this match before both of us are dead …”

“Rokky …”

“When I looked into his eyes, I saw Hell. And I know what Hell looks like, I went to Hell once.”

“Yes, you’ve told me.”

“I wasn’t sure. Anyway, I saw Hell, and he was truly experiencing it. However, there was something I saw in his eyes that gave me hope …”

“What?”

“Him,” Hard’Rok tries to point to the glossy of Raven but realizes he has no arms, “Raven, I mean.”

“Raven?”

“Yes, my mentor. I must win this belt for him.”

“Raven’s in Hell?”

“Uh, metaphorically.”

“Oh.”

“Anyway, I now must use the MOST SECRETEST and MOST FORBIDDEN OF ALL OF MASTER RAVEN’S TECHNIQUES.”

“You can’t Rokky, it’s too dangerous!”

”Gigi, sweetie, I don’t have any arms. We crossed that line a long time ago.”

”I guess you’re right.”

“Now get the soldering iron. It’s time to finish this!”

J.R.: LOOKING AT THE CONDITIONS OF THESE TWO OPPONENTS, THE ONLY QUESTION I HAVE IS WILL THEY SURVIVE LONG ENOUGH TO GET THE PIN?

W.W.: Man, Baines is fucking dead. You are looking at a walking, talking – er, screaming – corpse.

SUDDENLY, THE GOTHBUGGY EXPLODES IN A HUGE FIREBALL FOR NO REASON. BAINES FINISHES WRAPPING A MAN’S SKIN AROUND HIS NECK TO STOP THE BLEEDING AND TURNS TO THE EXPLOSION. A SILHOUETTE LANDS IN THE RING. Someone fixes one of the lights on the rafters and THE SILHOUETTE IS ILLUMINATED. It’s Hard’Rok, and he has CHAIRS with ROCKET FUCKING ENGINES STRAPPED TO THEM FOR ARMS.

J.R.: GISNBDGKSNHLGNDGSANDLG

“Chairshot Level 4. Let’s rock!” HARD’ROK SAYS, LEANING OVER AND PULLING A CORD WITH HIS TEETH. THE TWO JET-BLACK CHAIRS WITH FUCKING ROCKETS ON THEM START, UNLEASHING A HOT BLUE FLAME FROM THE SIDE. IMMEDIATELY HARD’ROK BEGINS SPINNING LIKE A TOP, HIS ARMS OUTSTRETCHED. BAINES’ EYES WIDEN AS HARD’ROK FLIES INTO HIM, SLAMMING STEEL INTO HIS FUCKING FACE. THE MAT OF THE RING FUCKING CATCHES ON FIRE FROM THE HIGH SPEED SPINNING THAT HARD’ROK IS UNLEASHING. BAINES IS HELPLESSLY CLOCKED OVER AND OVER AND OVER WITH THE CHAIRS, REINFORCED WITH TRIPLE-TITANIUM, KNOCKING HIS DRUG-ADDLED BRAIN AROUND IN HIS SKULL. THE UNSTOPPABLE BAINES IS DRIVEN BACK INTO THE CROWD AS HARD’ROK LIQUIFIES THE FANS AROUND HIM. BAINES ATTEMPTS TO GUARD THE FUCKING ATTACK WITH HIS ARMS BUT THE BONES IN HIS FOREARMS INSTANTLY SHATTER. HIS HUGE FUCKING NECK MUSCLES ARE THE ONLY THING KEEP BAINES GODDAMNED HEAD FROM FLYING OFF HIS SHOULDERS!

W.W.: FUCK FUC KFUCK FUCK FUCK FKFK KLF CUFKC

“GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” BAINES SCREAMS AS HIS FACE IS REPEATEDLY PULVERIZED. MORE AND MORE FANS ARE SUCKED IN AND TURNED TO GIBLETS AS HARD’ROK CONTINUES ON HIS RAMPAGE. ALL THE FUCKING BLOOD FLOATING IN THE AIR BEGINS TO SWIRL AROUND HARD’ROK UNTIL A CORPSE TORNADO IS FORMED, FILLED WITH ORGANS AND HUNKS OF BONE AND EYEBALLS. AS HARD’ROK PUSHES BAINES TO THE EDGE OF THE ARENA, HIS FUCKING CHAIR ARMS FLY OFF HIS STUMPS AND EXPLODE IN SECTIONS OF THE ARENA. HARD’ROK BARFS ALL OVER HIMSELF AND FALLS ON HIS ASS.

JOHN BAINES REMAINS STANDING.

J.R.: IMPOSSIBLE! IM-FUCKING-POSSIBLE! NO WAY!

THEN SUDDENLY, ALL THE BULGING VEINS ON MCGUINNESS’ BODY RECEDE INTO HIS FLESH. HIS EYES SINK BACK INTO HIS SOCKET. THEN HE COLLAPSES FACE FIRST ONTO THE CONCRETE. HARD’ROK ROLLS HIM OVER WITH HIS FACE AND COVERS HIM FOR THE PIN!

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONE!!



TWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!



THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!! HARD’ROK WINS! HARD’ROK WINS!!

J.R.: HE DID IT! HE DID IT!! FUCK BAH GAWD OKLAHOMHA STEAK FUCK!

LIGHTNING: AND YOUR WINNER AND NEW AMERICAN CHAMPION … HARD’ROOOOOKKKK!!

EMTS IMMEDIATELY RUSH OVER TO BAINES AND BEGIN GIVING HIM A FULL BLOOD TRANSFUSION. The referee comes to Hard’Rok and wraps the title around his waist. Gigi rushes up to Hard’Rok and Hard’Rok passes out from exhaustion.

As he looks up at the LIGHTS, Raven’s image appears, giving him the thumbs up.

“Thank you … Raven …” Hard’Rok mutters.

He eats pieces of shit for breakfast?

JR: Another new wrestler?!

Warrior: I must say, if there are has to ba a new guy I'd support in Ant King's absence, an uptight white golfer is pretty much up there in my top choices.

Baron Hoity von Toity is brought down to the ring with a smile on his face. The crowd boos him for firing their hero Ant King, but he doesn't care!

von Toity: Wasn't that teaser great folks? We've already had THE ILLUSIONIST, Grizzly Man and Terry Bogard show up tonight as well. And now I present to you the last of the new class of FTUW rookies! Come on out, kid!

No one comes

von Toity: Hey kid, I said come on out!

Still nothing. The crowd murmurs and laughs at von Toity. Flustered, the baron laughs nervously to cover up the miscue.

von Toity: Ha ha ha, I guess he's a little camera shy. I'm sure I can help fix that (whispering) with a deathmatch or two.

Meanwhile on a small Cessna flying somewhere...

Pilot: Sir, aren't you supposed to be at the Thunderdome?

Hooded Stranger: Got other plans...

Pilot: But all we've done so far is pick up your laundry.

Hooded Stranger: Yaaaaaaaaa, I had to get my mother's britches!

Pilot: I understand that, but now you just want me to fly over the Pacific Ocean?

Hooded Stranger: ...

Two helicopters hover in the air, a mile apart from each other. Below them is the near-endless body of water known as the Pacific Ocean, spanning 69.4 square miles. Each helicopter contains one of the two competitors in the upcoming Depthmatch for the FTUW World Championship. Larry Lightning is floating in the water in an inner tube and makes the ring announcement.

LL: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your main event! The rules for this Depthmatch are simple. Both men will be outfitted with breathing devices so they can fight underwater! Like any other match, the winner will be decided by pinfall, submission, but most likely KO or death. Of course since this is the ocean there are certain surprises to be expected.

Right on cue, an enormous stingray stabs Larry Lightning right through the heart. It carves a second notch into its skin and submerges back into the murky depths below.

Impious looks down from his helicopter. He picks his nose as assistants outfit him with all the gear necessary for underwater battle.

Impious: Gee, this is going to combine all the excitement of a bar room brawl with kiddy day at the neighborhood pool. Talk about bang for your buck!

Guan Fei is being equipped with similar scuba gear.

Guan Fei: Gyo ho ho! Everything is nicely in place! Victory shall be achieved!

JR: Their ring is millions of square miles in size with no one around to interfere! Looks like Guan Fei’s finally going to have to fight fair and square!

Warrior: Don’t count him out JR. That slippery fuck probably commands a sea of sushi or something like that and they’ll eat Impious up like a school of piranhas. I like radical German ideals as much as the next man, but Impious doesn’t look like he’s got the drive to be a champ! He represents the soft, apathetic and socialist Germany of today, filled with sexual predators and deviants who would sooner shit in your mouth than crack down on crime and rampant Judaism!

Guan Fei dives out of his helicopter and falls into the water. He awaits his opponent so he can secretly shoot him while he is free falling. Impious, figuring that he would get fucked over if he went in after Guan Fei, body slams the helicopter into the ocean! Guan Fei’s eye widens and he dives in a panic as the vehicle strikes the water! Its rotor spins through the water and closes in on Guan Fei! Before he’s chopped in half, K’unt-smak grabs the blade of the rotor between his hands and tears it right off! He uses it as a sword and cuts the helicopter in half, exploding it to smithereens!

But out of the smoke and flames is Impious! He dives into the water, tackling Guan Fei in the process! They begin to exchange punches, but their fists are slowed down by the ocean water. Guan Fei kicks off of Impious and grabs a hold of the rotor once more! He swings it straight at his opponent, who uses the face of one of his helicopter pilots to stop the blade! Impious yanks the blade out of Guan Fei’s hands and begins bending it! The rotor is now in the form of the words “Fuck you” and Impious lets it drop to the bottom of the ocean!

JR: Things are just beginning to heat up! I’m sure we’ll see some intense action now!

Impious tries his best to swim towards Guan Fei, but something’s wrong! He’s swimming in circles!

Impious: Uh, I guess swimming with one arm is pretty hard huh?

Warrior: Well that guy’s fucked!

Guan Fei floats in the water and laughs evilly. He proceeds to show his Olympic class swimming abilities, forming figure-8s and all sorts of other fancy shit.

Guan Fei: I could beat you to death right now, but why bother getting my hands dirty?

Guan Fei blows a whistle around his neck and the sound of a thousand men swimming can be heard in the distance. Impious turns around, his mouth agape upon the sight of an army of wrestlers charging towards him! He then closes his mouth because it’s stupid to keep your mouth agape when you have a breathing device in your mouth. Very stupid indeed! Guan Fei swims to the surface and lets the men do their job.

The first wrestler of the pack is British sensation William “Bill” Willamson. Swimming like a fish, he drives himself headfirst right into Impious’ gut. Impious winces in pain for a brief moment, but the face of Hart of Gold flashes in his brain.

Impious: Arschloch…

Impious takes out his left arm (which had only been folded inside of his shoulder this entire time) and grabs Bill by the neck. He grabs Bill by the right leg and well and begins pulling! Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip! Bill Williamson is torn in two! The water turns crimson as the wave of wrestlers closes in!

JR: Is he trying to hide himself in the blood?! Dammit, it won’t work! They can feel the presence of his brand!

Sure enough, the brand of the jobber begins to glow and throb! All of the wrestlers home in on their target and are ready to slobberknock the shit out of him!

UNTIL ONE WRESTLER IS BIT IN HALF BY A SHARK!

The blood summoned a herd of man-eating sharks ready for a feast! Wrestlers are fleeing everywhere, getting devoured and maimed at every turn! The sharks are after Impious too, but he’s too badass to worry about that! He clotheslines two sharks at once, breaking their noses! He then takes one of them and shoves it down the throat of the other! The shark chokes on the other shark and they both die and sink to the bottom of the ocean!

A Mexican wrestler named Gomez Gonads grabs Impious from behind and german suplexes him into the waiting mouth of a great white!

JR: BAH GAWD! IMPIOUS HAS BEEN DEVOURED WHOLE!

Gomez Gonads proceeds to german suplex the shark as well, sending him to the bottom of the ocean! But Impious is too good for that! He tears out the great white’s intestine from inside and pries open its mouth! He uses the intestines and a lasso and ropes Gomez’s leg! The foolish wrestler is dragged down into the bottom of the ocean with the dead shark, screaming the whole way!

The wrestler army has been cut down to a third by the time all of the sharks are either gorged or wrestled to death. Impious scratches his head, letting his dander float to the surface like fish food.

Impious: At least there won’t be too many of your dicks left on Earth once I’m done here.

Impious rips out the skulls of two wrestler corpses and puts them on his hands! He swims right at a group of Japanese masked wrestlers and begins tearing their faces off using the teeth of the skulls on his hands!

JR: HE’S USING SKULLS AS CLAWS! WHAT A SICK ASSHOLE!

Impious keeping tearing men apart with skull hands! He rips off one guy’s arms and throws them like harpoons, impaling two others! There are too many though! Eventually, the teeth on his skull hands break and he has to resort to using his fists again! A swarm of wrestlers surround him from all sides and we can no longer see Impious.

Still floating at the surface and smoking his pipe, Guan Fei admires his own genius by staring at his reflection in the water. He’s used the corpses that have floated to the surface as a raft and is using his spear as a paddle. The sound of struggling comes to an end and he smiles widely.

JR: Dammit! Guan Fei didn’t really fight Impious! All he did was use those men to do his dirty work!

Warrior: All part of being a general, though. Guan Fei may be a sick degenerate chink, but he’s no fool when it comes to the art of war. Even if the art of war was stolen from General George S. Patton circa 1944.

A random wrestler, bruised and bleeding, climbs onto the human corpse raft.

Wrestler: We…we got him!

Guan Fei: Excellent work! What’s your name, young man?

The wrestler punches Guan Fei straight in the face!

Impious: The name’s Impious, hold the Prick!

Impious takes off the face of a wrestler he had decimated earlier and smiles down at Guan Fei. While the champ stares up in astonishment, he takes K’unt-smak and body slams him face-down onto the surface of the water!

JR: OUCH! That’s one hell of a belly flop Guan Fei just took!

Impious is now swimming like a champ and tackles Guan Fei underwater. Grabbing him with both arms, he headbutts him over and over, busting open the champ’s skull! Guan Fei jams his fingers into Impious’ throat, stopping his onslaught. While Impious gags in pain, Guan Fei takes out his machine guns and take aim.

Guan Fei: Die you prick!

But the water slows down the bullets too much! By the time they get to Impious, he’s able to swat them out of the way! Guan Fei reaches for his spear but Impious is in his face before he can get it off his back! The spear sinks to the bottom and Impious has got Guan Fei set up for his finisher!

JR: It’s the Sacrilegious Awakening! Impious is going to use the same move he used to beat Guan Fei the first time!

But something’s wrong. Impious begins to choke! He grabs at his scuba gear while Guan Fei cackles madly!

Guan Fei: Imbecile! I was saving my air by floating up at the surface before! You wasted it all fighting those wrestlers after your brand! You’ve fallen into my trap!

Warrior: That shifty chick is always one step ahead!

Impious makes a break for the surface, but Guan Fei is still faster! The champ grabs his opponent by the leg and flings him back down underwater! Impious tries to defend himself, but the lack of oxygen is getting to his head. He begins to relax his guard and Guan Fei rains a series of harsh punches on Impious! Twisting his fists in a corkscrew motion, Guan Fei is able to break the water’s resistance and hit hard and fast!

Impious fades in and out of consciousness. He begins seeing a bright light and feels a warm sensation. A golden light embraces him as he floats toward it. As he nears the golden light, it source of it becomes clearer. The face of Hart of Gold is cackling, motioning Impious to come forth into his outstretched claws.

Impious: FUCKING ARSCHOLOCH!!!

Impious snaps back to life and grabs Guan Fei’s fist! The champ is defenseless as Impious pounds his head with his elbow, over and over, leaving a noticeable dent in the K'unt-smak’s face! Blood spurts out and is trailing to hundreds of feet and Impious continues caving in Guan Fei’s skull!

JR: FUCKING SHIT! IMPIOUS CAN’T EVEN BREATHE AND HE JUST STARTED WAILING OF GUAN FEI’S HEAD!

Warrior: MEIN HAHN WÄCHST MIT FUCKING AUFREGUNG GROSS!!

Now Guan Fei is the one who can’t defend himself anymore! He goes for a surprise Diamond Cutter but as if that’d have any effect in the ocean anyways! Impious counters by just punching Guan Fei in the back of the head over and over again! He’s got dents in both sides of his head now and Guan Fei’s brain is smacking around inside of his skull!

Having had enough of tenderizing his head, Impious twists the champ around and grabs the man’s face! IT’S SACRILEGIOUS AWAKENING TIME!!! Impious faceslams Guan Fei all the way to the bottom of the ocean! Blood vessels in both men’s heads begin to explode as the water pressure increases! Guan Fei’s body is driven through the sunken helicopter's remains and into the ocean floor, kicking up all sorts of sand and rocks and whatnot! The hole made by the attack in fifty feet deep and Guan Fei is embedded in the floor! Impious grabs a spare air tank from the helicopter and straps it on! He pins the unconscious Guan Fei as the referee swims to the bottom so make the count!

ONE…

TWO…

TH…NO! THE REFEREE FUCKING IMPLODES! THE PRESSURE WAS TOO MUCH FOR HIS WEAK BODY TO HANDLE!

JR: DAMMIT ALL! IMPIOUS SHOULD HAVE WON IT THERE!

Warrior: No pinfalls here, JR! Impious is going to have to tear that slant limb from limb if he’s gonna win!

Guan Fei begins to stir and throws a handful of sand in Impious’ eyes. But Guan Fei’s head is beginning to completely cave in from the blows to his skull and from the water pressure! He puts on a new air tank and swims back up towards the surface. Impious follows him, but gets another handful of sand to the eyes! Guan Fei sneers and charges right into Impious! An underwater spear connects! Guan Fei spears Impious over and over again, too fast to be avoided! The tackles are taking their toll as Impious begins to slow down his futile attempts to stop them.

Guan Fei: This is the end fiend!

Guan Fei gets right up close behind the battered Impious and hovers there, just waiting for his opponent to turn around.

JR: DON’T TURN AROUND IMPIOUS! IT’S A TRAP!

Too late! Impious twists around and sees the champ right in front of him! Guan Fei uses all the springiness of his body to launch himself forward in the water! JADE SPEAR! GUAN FEI JUST USED AN UNDERWATER JADE SPEAR!

Or did he?! Impious extended his foot at the last damn millisecond and met the Jade Spear with a big boot! All of the bones in Guan Fei’s face break! His head which has received an inordinate amount of punishment throbs like a motherfucker and he can barely so much as stare straight now!

Impious is just unloading all over Guan Fei! The punches and kicks are unrelenting as the champ’s body is swollen and battered beyond recognition! Guan Fei can’t even cover up!

JR: BRAH GRAWD!! IMPIOUS IS A BEAST!! A DEMON!!

Impious: ARSCHHHHHHHHHHLOOOOOOOOOOOCH!!!

Impious is beating Guan Fei within an inch of his life! It’s nearly over! If Guan Fei dies or is knocked out, he wins the title! The brand begins to fade on Impious’ chest! It’s time to finish it! He grabs Guan Fei by the arm and by the leg and begins to tear him apart like he did to that no name wrestler earlier! Blood spurts from the champ’s joints and stomach and the flesh tears! The entire ocean for MILES is no longer crystal clear blue but a deep crimson red! Guan Fei can’t take anymore! He starts to ta…

WAIT A MINUTE! IMPIOUS IS SUDDENLY SNATCHED AWAY BY A SHARK!

JR: THERE’RE STILL SHARKS LEFT?! DAMMIT ALL!

Warrior: That’s no ordinary shark, JR!

Jonesie: Har har har! Ye telling me that ye don’t know who I be, Impious? I be showing you who the true champion of the seas be!

JR: BAH GAWD IT’S JONESIE! He’s pissed off about the comments Impious made about him on Viscerape’s Fuck Factory!

Warrior: Pirate is another word for terrorist, which proves that Red China is in league with Al Queda!

Jonesie has chomped on Impious’ torso, embedding his teeth into his flesh! Impious starts banging his elbow on Jonesie’s nose, but he’s not a shark! He’s a shark man with big muscular arms which he uses to grab Impious’ arm and begin punching and biting him simultaneously!! He shakes Impious around like a dog with a chew toy and his stomach begins tearing open! Blood darkens the water further and internal organs begin to poke out! If he bites down any harder, Impious will be torn in half! As it is, the severe damage to internal organs causes him to go into shock and struggle just to keep conscious!

JR: GOOD LORD! Impious looks like something you’d find at the butcher’s counter!

The brand returns to full force and Jonesie’s wrestler instincts kick in! Instead of trying to eat him, he’s going to drag him to the bottom of the ocean and pin him! Impious is dragged back down to the far depths of the ocean floor where the intense water pressure shoves the intestines back into his body! With the blood flow at least slowed down, he thumbs Jonesie in the eyes and finally frees himself! He makes a break for the surface but no one can match Jonesie’s mobility in the sea and he bites down on Impious’ legs and drags him back down!

His leg mangled and his stomach torn open, Impious begins to resign himself to defeat.

Impious: Well this is a gay way to die.

JR: NO! IT CAN’T END LIKE THIS! IMPIOUS IS SCREWED AGAIN!

BUT BECAUSE YOU KNEW THIS PPV WOULDN’T END WITHOUT SOME CLOSURE AS TO THIS GUY, THE HOODED STRANGER APPEARS OUT OF NOWHERE AND DROPKICKS JONESIE IN THE FACE!

JR: WHO IN THE BLUE SHIT IS THAT MAN?!

Hooded man: Impious, get back up there and win!

Impious: ‘kay.

Jonesie turns back to go after Impious, but the stranger blocks his path!

Jonesie: Who are ye?

Stranger: Someone who wants to make a…splash!

Jonesie tackles the mystery man and tears his shirt off!

Those antennae…

That exoskeleton…

Those segmented eyes…

HE’S….

SOMEONE WE’VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE!

Beetle Kid: I’M THE BEETLE KID, BITCH! SAY HELLO TO FTUW’S NEWEST HERO!

Von Toity appears on the side of a submarine with a video screen on its hull.

Von Toity: Dammit Beetle Kid! You were supposed to debut by my side here in the arena! What the fuck are you doing?!

Beetle Kid: I DON’T WANT TO STAND BESIDE A FUCKING DICK LIKE YOU! I’M HERE TO BE LIKE MY GOD DAMN HERO ANT KING AND AVENGE HIM!


Too bad for Beetle Kid that he didn’t train with Ant King too. Jonesie begins wailing on him with his monster shark arms and uppercuts him straight out of the ocean and onto a deserted island somewhere.

JR: What a debut by The Beetle Kid!

Warrior: That wasn’t nearly as exciting as I had hoped.

Back to Impious who is swimming furiously towards the surface! He looks around for the nearly destroyed Guan Fei, but he’s disappeared!

Impious: Where could that asshole be?! Let’s finish this mundane bullshit and get this ugly ass tattoo off my chest!

WHAM! Impious is struck by a clothesline! Guan Fei seems to be moving even faster than when he started off, in spite of his terrible wounds!

JR: How is this possible?!

Warrior: Did his yellow blood give him magical healing powers?!

NO! Guan Fei is riding on the back of the giant stingray! Outfitted in khaki shorts, the stingray licks its chops as it prepares to add another notch to its hide! He swings Guan Fei by who clotheslines Impious in the neck again! They come back for a third pass and connect that time as well! Impious is still flipping around from the force of the clothesline when Guan Fei leaps off of his ride and grabs Impious in a piledriver! He piledrives him right into the back of the stingray, who is so hardcore that his hide is like solid rock! Impious’ head fissures open and he floats to the surface like a dead goldfish!

JR: I…is Impious dead?!

Yeah right! Impious’ one good eye remains fixed on Guan Fei and he punches the champ right into the stingray, both of whom are sent flying to the murky depths of the ocean!

JR: WHERE THE HELL DID HE GET THAT POWER FROM?!

Warrior: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWR!

Warrior rips off his suit and is down to his bare skin! He then rips off his skin, exposing his raw muscle to the entire world!!!

Impious’ mind is no longer thinking! By all rights he should be knocked out or dead but his pure rage and instinct keeps him fighting!!!

Impious: ARSCHLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCH!!!

Impious can’t even see anymore, he’s so blinded with rage! His organs are once again hanging out the gaping hole in his stomach as he swims around aimlessly, looking for Guan Fei! The stingray is back up and it homes in on its target! Impious can’t even see it coming because his focus is so narrow that he can only see images of Arschloch and Guan Fei!! The stingray points its stinger right at Impious’ heart!

Impious: ARSCHLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCH!!!

Impious instinctively grabs the stingray’s tail as it zooms in on him! He then stabs the stingray over and over in the face with it’s own stinger! Shark Jonesie returns to bite Impious in half, but the German Giant rips off the tail of the stingray and launches it into Jonesie’s face, causing him to yelp in pain and retreat! Impious proceeds to rip off the wings of the ray and lets go, causing it to fall to the bottom of the ocean!

JR: YES! IMPIOUS AVENGED THE DEATH OF STEVE IRWIN!

This was the distraction Guan Fei needed! He swam right up behind Impious, poised to attack!

Warrior: WATCH OUT!!!

Impious turns around, but even his instincts and rage aren’t enough to stop Guan Fei! JADE ARROW! Guan Fei puts his fist through the open hole in Impious’ gut and punches him directly in the heart! Impious’ heartbeat comes to a sudden halt!

JR: BAH GAWD! BAH GAWD! I CAN’T SAY IT FAST ENOUGH! HELP ME OUT WARRIOR!

JR & Warrior: BAH GAWD BAH GAWD BAH GAWD BAH GAWD!!!!

Impious is still moving! He wraps his hands around Guan Fei’s neck and begins choking!

Impious: ARSCH…LOOOOOOOOOCH…!!!

Impious’ large beefy hands constrict around the champ’s neck in spite of the fact that his heart has already stopped! There’s no goddamn reason this should happening but it is! Impious has crushed Guan Fei’s scuba gear and he can’t get any more air! Guan Fei struggles, but can’t escape!

WARRIOR: SUBMIT YOU SLANTY FUCK!

Guan Fei: I….

The hands tighten more, cutting off the blood to his brain!

Guan Fei: …give…

Fingernails dig into the champ’s neck, spurting out blood and coming within millimeters of his carotid artery! The crowd watches on as Guan Fei does his best to free himself before he is forced to utter the final word that will signal his defeat!

Guan Fei: I…don’t give…up…

Impious crushes Guan Fei’s larynx and the champ can barely utter any words anymore!

Guan Fei: Noo…URGH….

Impious: ARSCHLOOOOOOOOOOOCH!!!

JR: EVEN IF GUAN FEI GIVES UP, WILL IMPIOUS LET GO?!!?!

Guan Fei’s face turns purple and his one eye begins to pop out of his skull! His beard turns white from shock and he is clawing open his own chest just to focus on another type of pain!

Guan Fei: OK!!! I…

Impious: ARSCH…

Guan Fei: …give…

Impious: …LOCH…

Impious lets go of Guan Fei’s neck and loses consciousness! Guan Fei uses what’s left of his strength to scamper to the surface and finally gets a breath of air! It takes him a minute before he’s able to focus on anything else but breathing. Once he recovers and his skin pigment returns to normal, he turns towards Impious who is floating face-up. His arms are still outstretched, clutching an invisible neck.

JR: I…IMPIOUS IS KNOCKED OUT! Even his rage could only go on so long without a beating heart!

Warrior: You mean that underhanded lucky chink motherfucker won again?!

A paramedic helicopter rushes to the scene and they quickly stuff Impious intestines back inside of his body and begin using a defibrillator in an attempt to revive Impious!

Paramedic: His heart’s still not beating! Try again! CLEAR!

No pulse.

Paramedic: God dammit, I’m not letting him die till the doctors take him off our hands! CLEAR!

Still no pulse.

Paramedic: FUCKING SHIT! We can’t lose another babyface! Again! CLEAR!

Impious’ pulse restarts faintly.

Paramedic: We’re not out of the woods yet! Get these wounds sewed up and tell the hospital to prepare a transfusion on arrival!

Suddenly, the helicopter starts to plummet!

Paramedic: What the shit?!

The pilot jumps on top of Impious and pins him. ONE, TWO…THE HELICOPTER IS SPIRALING DOWN AND EVERYONE IS THROWN AROUND!

Paramedic: GOD DAMMIT! THEY GAVE US A PART-TIME WRESTLER FOR A PILOT?! THOSE FOOLS!

As the helicopter crashes into the vast emptiness that is the Earth’s largest mass of water, a single word flies through the mind of Impious.

ARSCHLOCH!
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