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FTUW'S SUPERMAN VS. GOKU (#17)

 
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Yogurtman
Odin
Joined: 03 Jan 2007
Posts: 2248
(Fri Feb 23, 2007 1:20 am)
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Post     FTUW'S SUPERMAN VS. GOKU (#17)

The screen is black. One can faintly hear the sound of a heartbeat growing louder and louder. The repeated beeping of an EKG machine joins the heartbeat, the rhythm increasing in speed with the heartbeat. FROM OUT OF NOWHERE, a guitar begins to squeal violently as the letters "F T U W" grow from a single white dot in the center of the screen. AS THE GUITAR'S SQUEAL REACHES ITS BREAKING POINT, THE LETTERS VIBRATE RETARDEDLY UNTIL THEY EXPLODE. The song is "Arcane Death Explosion" by Viscerape. The lead singer, Leitch, belts out a MONSTROUS GROAN in tune to footage of Ant King viciously raping Corey Nguyen.

#Graaaaaaaaaahh!!#

Handsomus R. Awesome and Theldorrin XIII trade titanic blows in the center of the ring. Sella Phayne slaps his chest, mouthing off while pointing his 9mm at the camera. A shot of the Jack Masterson getting impaled in the face with a SPEAR is followed by Puff Ryder FIRING OFF HIS EXTENDED BONG into Phayne's pick-up.

#COME-ON-COME-ON-COME-ON-COME-OOONNNRAAARGH!#

Baron Hoity von Toity DROPS AN ELBOW ONTO SAKETUMI'S SKULL. Masterson hurls a hatchet that flies into the mouth of the Minister of Beards, Guan Fei. Ooka Jooka flies HIGH ABOVE THE ARENA, his dick trailing behind him. Handsomus and Theldorrin clash CHARIOTS AT HIGH SPEEDS. Ant King SCREAMS and vomits up a SWARM OF HORNETS. Fancy Lala rolls around on the floor, shitting his pants, before the footage switches over to Kuroda plucking out Jonesie's eyeball with his toes.

#The RAAAAAPE! THE MURDAAAAAH! THE RAPE AND THE MURDDAAH MURDER RAAAPE!#

Krystol stands on the CELL IN THE HELL, Non-American Championship raised above his head. Saketumi and Jack Daniels HEADBUTT EACH OTHER OVER AND OVER, CAUSING THE GROUND AT THEIR FEET TO CRACK! Theldorrin XIV hovers above FUCK MOUNTAIN, wielding a massive MOLTEN BOULDER. Moloch Arschloch bites off Saito's fingers. Bin Destruction CRASHES DOWN FROM OUTER SPACE and collides into Puff Ryder's chest. Daniels hits both Theldorrin and Saketumi with bursts of flames.

#I CAN'T AH STOP THIS RAPING AND MURDAH-RING! YOU CAN'T STOP ALL THIS SUFFERING! GRAAAAARGH!!

Rakkyu Saketumi stands unconscious, dead, in his friends' arms, gripping the World Title belt tightly. A minigun BURSTS from ANT KING'S FUCKING ASS and STARTS FIRING ROUND AFTER ROUND as he feeds ammo down his goddamned throat. Charles Bronson emerges from a hardware store with chainsaws replacing his arms and legs.

#RAAAAAPE RAAAAAPE!!#

McHarris CLOTHESLINES THROUGH A FUCKING CAR. GUAN FEI AND THELDORRIN XIV FALL WHILE HUNDREDS OF FEET ABOVE GROUND, TRADING FISTS. HANDSOMUS R. AWESOME CRASHES A COMET INTO MADISON SQUARE GARDEN, BROUGHT BACK FROM THE DEAD. DANIELS, KENJIRO, HANDSOMUS, AND GUAN FEI ROCK THE FUCK OUT AND ERADICATE THELDORRIN OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH!

The music reaches it CRESCENDO as The Ant King and Guan Fei TRADE BLOWS WHILE BEING IMPALED WITH THEIR OPPONENT'S FLAGS. The FUCKING FTUW logo BURSTS THROUGH A BRICK WALL, blood spurting from the hole for some reason. The screen fades to black.

FTUW Entertainment 2006. All Rights Reserved.



IN THE BEGINNING ...

BILLIONS OF YEARS AGO ...

GOD CREATED TWO BEINGS ...

SUPERMAN, THE LAST SON OF KRYPTON, THE EARTH'S MIGHTIEST CHAMPION AND SYMBOL OF TRUTH AND JUSTICE ...

AND GOKU, THE GREATEST SON OF VEGETA, THE EARTH'S MIGHTIEST CHAMPION AND SYMBOL OF TRUTH AND JUSTICE ...

COULD THEY CO-EXIST?

WOULD ONE NECESSARILY HAVE TO DESTROY THE OTHER TO LAY CLAIM TO THE TITLE OF EARTH'S MOST POWERFUL ALIEN PROTECTOR?



HELL FUCKING YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



THE FTUW PRESENTS HISTORY'S MOST ANTICIPATED BATTLE

WHO IS THE GREATEST HERO OF ALL TIME?

SUPERMAN VS GOKU

FTUW Entertainment 2006. All Rights Reserved.

Superman flies through the skies of Metropolis when he hears the sounds of cheering from FTUW's floating arena, THE THUNDERDOME. Tonight's the night, he thinks, then he zooms through the board room of LEXCORP, punches Lex Luthor in the face, and heads for the Thunderdome. Tonight is SUPERMAN VS GOKU.

Meanwhile, Goku flies through the sky on the Flying Nimbus. He left his son, Goten, and wife, Chi Chi, in the hands of a vicious murderer who once tried to kill him and then conquer the world. Because tonight is an important battle. One to determine just who is the strongest being in the universe. Within moments, he sees the Thunderdome over the horizon ...

He jumps off of the Flying Nimbus in the center of the ring, Superman waiting for him. They both smile confidently at each other.

"Superman," Goku says, extending his hand.

"Goku, we finally meet," Superman accepts the handshake.

J.R.: Welcome, everyone, to Superman vs Goku, the FTUW event were we'll determine just who the strongest hero ever is. I'm Good Ol' J.R., here with Warrior Warrior.

WW: I'm just disappointed they didn't include me in this match, Jim, or at least my son. I'm more of a real American hero than either of these jerkoffs. I mean, I was reading in the news, this Superman guy is some kind of queer icon. And I've always believed that Goku was at least a bit fruity. It just goes to show how powerful the p/c liberal media really is. It depresses me, J.R.

J.R.: Well, considering this match up, who do you think -- BAH GAWD! BAH GAWD!!!

AS GOKU TRIES TO PULL HIS HAND OUT OF SUPERMAN'S GRIP, KAL-EL FUCKING SPINS AND HURLS GOKU THROUGH THE CEILING AND INTO THE STRATOSPHERE!!

FTUW satellites in geosynchronous orbit capture the battle in space and broadcast it onto the FAGGOTRON.

Goku stops himself and goes SUPER SAIYAN 3, but while he's powering up, Superman SMASHES HIS HEAD BETWEEN HIS FISTS. Goku is barely fazed, though, and they begin trading blows at LIGHT SPEED.

J.R.: I don't believe my eyes, folks! Superman hit Goku with a sneak attack and tossed him into space!

WW: I must admit, I'm a little surprised. Normally it's the japs with the sneak attacks, but I guess this goes to show that Superman really is an American and he remembers Pearl Harbor.

Superman fires his heat vision, forcing Goku to retreat, but he just flies to Superman's back and starts fighting back again! Ready for the red hot beams, Goku dodges the following heat vision attacks, and Superman begins to take punishment, Goku's punches and kicks landing all over his body.

J.R.: I can't even see what is happening here, Warrior. I don't think any reference to Oklahoma will be valid for this fight!

WW: Faster than an Oklahoma lightning bolt?

J.R.: I've been proven wrong!

WW: More explosive than the Oklahoma City bombing?

J.R.: Fuck you!

Superman gets PISSED and blocks Goku's kicks with his legs, then grabs Goku's wrists. Superman pulls his head back for a headbutt, BUT GOKU PULLS HIS HANDS TO HIS FOREHEAD AND YELLS, "SOLAR FLARE!" The bright flash blinds everyone in the Thunderdome, even through the Faggotron, but especially blinds Superman, who covers his eyes in reflex only to hear Goku grunt like he's about to take a shit.

"KA - ME - HA - ME -"

Superman about SHITS his PANTS, unable to see to properly defend himself, and he starts flying away from Goku's voice.

"HAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

THE KAMEHAMEHA CLOSES IN ON SUPERMAN, HE CAN FEEL THE HEAT EVEN IN THE COLDNESS OF SPACE. FINALLY, HE REGAINS HIS SIGHT AND TURNS TO BLOCK IT, FACING HIS PALMS OUTWARD TO DEFLECT IT AWAY! Superman catches it in his bare hands and starts pushing it back, inch by inch. Goku can feel the pressure backing up on him and strains to increase his power level.

"I can't let Superman counter this, my ki will be too weak to fight him any longer," Goku thinks and pushes out one last burst of energy.

"I thought I would have the advantage in space, since Goku wouldn't be able to breathe," Superman says, moving closer and closer to Goku, "But he still managed to put up a fight without oxygen. How?"

BECAUSE GOKU NEVER GIVES UP

JUST THEN THE EXTRA BURST OF ENERGY REACHES SUPERMAN, AND HE CAN'T RESIST ANY LONGER! THE KAMEHAMEHA SENDS HIM FLYING THROUGH SPACE, CRASHING INTO ONE OF THE MOONS OF MARS, EXPLODING THE PLANETOID!!!

J.R.: I'm not sure what happened here, I was blinded up until the planet exploded.

WW: Well, Superman ran away like a QUEER because he couldn't see, so Goku shot him with some kind of laser thing and blew up some shit planet.

J.R.: Bah gawd! BAH GAWD! SUPERMAN IS DEAD! GOKU WINS!

Goku lands back in the Thunderdome, exhausted and back in his normal form. He looks around and half of the crowd is chanting his name. He smiles and laughs, rubbing his head.

J.R.: Goku is so light-hearted despite the fact that he just murdered another man! What a guy!

Just then everyone stops. Goku looks up and suddenly becomes serious. SUPERMAN HAS RETURNED.

J.R.: SUPERMAN RETURNS! SUPERMAN RETURNS! IN THEATERS EVERYWHERE!

Superman's arms are folded as he slowly lowers himself to the ring. His costume is in tatters, but his body seems in relatively good shape.

"It's time to settle this once and for all, Goku," Superman says.

"Let's find out who the greatest hero is," Goku replies solemnly. He starts stretching.

Two FTUW technicians walk down the entrance ramp. One carries two steel chairs, the other a briefcase. Then enter the ring and the one with the chairs unfolds them and the two champions sit. The other opens his briefcase and a table folds out of it.

J.R.: What's this?

WW: They're going to arm wrestle to decide who is the best! I was wrong, these two know how to take care of business!

The board is unfolded and the checkers pieces are put into place.

J.R.: They're playing checkers?

WW: Queers.

One of the FTUW technicians flips a coin and Superman gets the first move.

The action is fast and furious because these guys can move, like, really fucking fast. Superman jumps Goku first, but Goku soon gets his revenge, jumping two of Superman's pieces. But Goku misses Superman's move into his territory, and Superman says, "King me!" Goku slaps his head, but a few turns later he gets his own king! It looks like it's dead even when Goku jumps Superman's king!

"It's over, Superman! If you give up now, we can be co-champions of the Earth," Goku says.

"No! I learned something from fighting you, Goku. I'LL NEVER GIVE UP!" SUPERMAN HAD SACRIFICED HIS KING SO HE COULD JUMP ALL OF GOKU'S REMAINING PIECES IN ONE MOVE!

J.R.: Superman wins! It's over, Superman is Earth's greatest hero!

WW: I have to say, Goku walked right into that. He should have seen it coming.

Goku smiles, "Best two out of three?"

The two heroes shake hands and wave to the crowd.

J.R.: What great sports!

BUT THEN A FUCKING NEEDLE SHOOTS INTO GOKU'S ARM.

"A N-N-N-NEEDLE?" Goku faints and falls to the canvas.

Superman looks around and sees THE GODDAMN BATMAN!

BATMAN FALLS FROM THE RAFTERS AND PUNCHES SUPERMAN IN THE FACE.

"Bruce, what are you doing?" Superman asks, seeing the blood dripping down his face.

"You assholes think you're the best heroes on Earth? Fuck you guys! They didn't even call me! What the hell?" Batman paces around the ring, ranting. "So I decided to use the plans I developed to defeat both of you. You see, Clark, I watched every episode of Dragonball and Dragonball Z and I realized Goku's only fear was needles, so I shot him with a needle filled with an antidote for Goku's heart medicine. Now if I don't give him the cure again, he'll die of a heart attack. And those checkers pieces were all made from KRYPTONITE. I'M THE REAL CHAMPION OF EARTH!"

J.R.: Bah Gawd, Batman defeated both of them!

WW: I always was more of a Batman guy, myself. By the way, J.R., I had my own comic book a few years back that was quite critically acclaimed. Everyone at home, you can buy every issue at ShopFTUW.com, so go get it!

J.R.: I could have sworn that your comic was critically panned by everyone.

WW: LIBERAL LIES.

Batman starts kicking Superman, who can't fight back because of the kryptonite.

"Say it, Superman. Say Batman is Earth's greatest champion!"

"Fine, Bruce, you're the best," Superman admits, "You're better than me."

"FUCKING SAY BATMAN IS THE BEST HERO."

"Batman ... is the best hero," Superman says, frowning.

THEN THE SOUND OF GLASS SHATTERING IS HEARD.

J.R.: THAT SOUNDS LIKE STONE COLD'S MUSIC!

Stone Cold, his arms surgically reattached, walks down the entrance ramp and hurls a beer can at Batman's head. Batman throws a batarang that cuts the beer can in half. BUT WHILE HIS ATTENTION WAS DIVERTED, STONE COLD DISAPPEARED! BATMAN LOOKS AROUND FRANTICALLY, BUT THEN HE CATCHES A KICK TO THE STOMACH! THE STONE COLD STUNNER!

J.R.: STUNNER! STUNNER! STUNNER! STONE COLD HIT BATMAN WITH THE STUNNER!

WW: GODDAMN!

J.R.: STONE COLD IS THE REAL GREATEST HERO IN THE UNIVERSE!

Jim Ross: "Well, there's no sense in delaying the inevitable. FTUW World Champion Guan Fei vs Robert McCoy. Your thoughts, Warrior?"

Warrior: "Life as a torso. I suddenly feel like I have a tiny amount of kinship with Robert McCoy, finally. Anyway, he's a dead man."

Jim Ross: "You're always saying that Warrior, and you've been right since admittedly he has lost every fight he's been in, but it's also proven unwise to underestimate him! K'unt-Smak should be careful not to take McCoy too lightly!"

Warrior: "He has springs for legs."

Jim Ross: "Well he practically fought on one leg and he still surprised everybody by beating up on Goldman and Hard'Rok and Jack Daniels for a bit--"

Warrior: "HE HAS SPRINGS FOR FUCKING LEGS!"

Jim Ross: "We'll take it to you Todd Lightning, because for gods sakes let's just get this tragedy over with."

Introduced first, reduced to a head and torso with two springs taped onto his leg stumps, Robert McCoy bounces down the ramp to the default FTUW jobber music, some shitty Nickelback song, because he was training so intensely that he didn't even have time to pick out his theme music for this match. He gets a sizeable amount of cheers from the audience for his bravery, but really it's because he happens to be the opposing fighter to Guan Fei.

After McCoy springs into the ring, "I'm a Real Chinaman" blasts over the speakers as garish fireworks go off and a video portrait that takes up the whole Faggotron depicting Guan Fei heroically slaying a yippy dog outside of his residence with his spear Killing the Dragon plays as Guan Fei struts down the ramp like a cocky prick. Which he is. After a while, he gets tired of walking and hurls Killing the Dragon toward the ring, Guan Fei flying along with it as a piece of his robe is tied to it. He surfs aboard the spear but overshoots the ring, and it heads straight for some terminally ill children from the Make a Wish Foundation sitting in the front row! But at the last second, Guan Fei leaps off the spear back toward the ring, the spear trailing behind him, leaving the childrens' last wishes of being gloriously killed at an FTUW event unfulfilled, that asshole!

The bell rings and Guan Fei regards the bust of McCoy with an amused look on his face. "And how do you intend to attack me like that?"

McCoy bounces forward slowly, as a grin creeps up on his face. "Like ... THIS!!"

After one of his slow bounces, McCoy suddenly SPRINGS FORWARD and drills Guan Fei right in the face with a headbutt!! Guan Fei stumbles backward and stares at McCoy incredulously!

"YOU SHIIIIIIIIIIIIT!" Guan Fei attempts a clothesline. McCoy grits his teeth and the video feed goes into super slow motion as McCoy times his spring bounce perfectly so he is under Guan Fei's arm, then he rockets upward with all his might, headbutting Guan Fei's armpit!!

"G -- GUH!" Guan Fei winces, holding his armpit. But he's not finished there! McCoy springs up into the air, SPINS HIS TORSO 360 DEGREES and "kicks" Guan Fei with one of his spring legs, sending him flying back and into the turnbuckle! "What the hell is this! What are these new attacks that you are able to hurt me with?!" Demands Guan Fei.

McCoy wishes he had a fist to clench and stare down at dramatically. "Master Daniel Wojehowski's forbidden Tae Kwon Do techniques. As well, I studied Bruce Lee's teachings about being able to adapt to any situation! I also borrowed a technique, the headbutt, from another legendary asian fighter: RAKKYU SAKETUMI! I realized that the only way I could defeat a true asian like yourself was to BECOME ONE! With this perfect combination of three disciplines from the holy trinity of Korea, China, and Japan my victory is assured! At first, I was afraid that my limbless body and these springs would be a weakness. With these teachings, however, I changed them from a weakness to an unstoppable fighting technique! Master Wojehowski ... Thomas ... THIS IS FOR YOU! KIIIIAAAAAAAAA!!!"

McCoy bounces high into the air, and springs right off the top of Guan Fei's head! He then maneuvers his head downward, preparing to dive bomb Guan Fei! Their heads clash, and Guan Fei falls back down and slumps into the corner turnbuckle as McCoy, with a bloodied forehead from the impact lands expertly!

Guan Fei points at McCoy fearfully! "He's become more powerful than we can comprehend! Save me, my brothers!"

Jack Daniels, Bin Destruction, Katrina, and Lucifer come charging out of the entrance as an impromptu recording of "Now You're A Man" plays over the speaker system.

"Damn it! Can I really take them all on?" McCoy says to himself. "No, I must not show any hesitation! Good will always triumph over evil! No mercy! NO FORGIVENESS!!!"

Jack Daniels is the first to approach McCoy. "Gonna mess you up reeeal good!" he declares, but McCoy just headbutts him in the face, laying him out! The crowd goes fucking insane and starts beating the shit out of each other with Tae Kwon Do, now that Robert McCoy is their new idol!

"Jack!" Katrina cries as she charges McCoy. She's wearing an extra slutty outfit with hand shaped breast covers and her vagina is covered by a band aid. A very large band aid. But the amount of adrenaline flowing through McCoy is incredible; all available blood in his body has rushed to only his essential muscles, making him impervious to popping a boner! He bounces forward and does a flying side kick, the spring leg sending the whore flying through the ropes and out of the ring! Bin Destruction spreads his arms like an airplane for the 911 in an attempt to stop this carnage! Robert McCoy bounces up and looks like he's about to meet him head on with a headbutt, but instead he springs right over the charging Bin Destruction, avoiding his 911; McCoy lands right behind him then springs backward and headbutts him in the back, sending him into the turnbuckle where he hits his head and falls to the mat!

Jim Ross: "I have no idea how the hell this happened but Robert McCoy has become A GOD!"

Warrior: "This doesn't make any sense! Oriental martial arts can't be this useful! I -- I'm not wrong!"

Up until now, Lucifer has been standing outside the ring, quietly observing his stable getting decimated. He cracks his knuckles and climbs into the ring! "There's only one person who can stop this madness. I'm going to have to deal with this MYSELF!"

Jim Ross: "BAH GAWD, LUCIFER HIMSELF IS GONNA FIGHT MCCOY! Is McCoy's shocking display of dominance finally coming to an end?!"

No one has ever seen Lucifer fight before, but the crowd gasps in horror as he is undoubtedly nightmarishly powerful! But McCoy doesn't even give a shit! He bounces up and does a backflip, then springs toward Lucifer! HE ROCKETS FORWARD, TWISTING HIS BODY AS WELL AND PSYCHO CRUSHER HEADBUTTS LUCIFER IN THE FACE!!! He sprawls onto the mat completely motionless!!

Jim Ross: "ROBERT MCCOY JUST KNOCKED LUCIFER THE FUCK OUT WITH ONE GODDAMN HIT! JESUS!"

Warrior: "McCoy looks completely retarded doing these stupid moves and yet ... what the fuck?! Uh, I'd just like to remind our viewers that this is a non title match! And also that homosexuality is an abomination."

Jim Ross: "You raped X-Pac at Super Taboo Tuesday."

Warrior: "Um, I'm denying that that ever happened."

McCoy bounces in the middle of the ring, panting hard, the motionless bodies of Musclepotamia strewn all around him. The crowd is still going crazy and actually chanting McCoy's name!

"I've finally done it. With the new techniques I've learned, I've become the most powerful fighter in the world. It doesn't matter if I won't actually have the title belt. I single handedly defeated Guan Fei and Musclepotamia. No one can ever make fun of Robert McCoy ever again! All those humiliating defeats ..."

Suddenly, he hears a sound from Guan Fei's body, slumped in the corner of the ring. It sounds like ... choking? Is he spitting up blood? No, that's not it. He bounces closer, and sees a huge grin on Guan Fei's face. HE'S LAUGHING!

"What the hell's so funny?!" McCoy demands. "You're about to be utterly defeated and you're laughing about it?!"

Guan Fei just laughs even harder. McCoy's jaw drops when he sees something out of his peripheral vision; all the members of Musclepotamia stand up simultaneously and start laughing as well, Lucifer casually dusting off his suit!

"What the hell? Are you ready for some more punishment or something?! You're 5000 years too early to fight me! Because it would take 5000 years more training to defeat me, you see!" McCoy shouts, his face bright red with anger and adrenaline!

They're now in such hysterics that they're doubling over and pounding the mat! Bin Destruction is wiping away tears and slapping his knee!

"You BELIEVED that?!" Guan Fei says finally, composing himself. "You actually thought that your ridiculous fighting technique with springs and no limbs was what pushed you over the hump and into superstardom? We faked the whole thing! You see McCoy, we knew that this would happen. It seems that every match you participate in, you discover some unstoppable new technique, or reach deep into your heart to achieve a level you had never before thought possible or some such nonsense. And it happened again tonight, of course! And so, we thought that instead of obliterating you instantly, it might be amusing to indulge you a little bit. We acted like your attacks were actually hurting us, just to pump this crowd up, to make them believe that a hero had finally arrived who could defeat Musclepotamia! Because there is nothing more fun than building people up, then shattering their dreams right before their eyes!"

"To be fair, that spinning headbutt did sting a tiny bit," Lucifer says with a cruel smile on his face.

Jim Ross: "What a low down dirty trick Musclepotamia is pulling!!"

"This isn't possible," pleads McCoy, "All my training ... I couldn't fully utilize those Tae Kwon Do techniques without legs but I did the best I could! I couldn't afford the best prosthetic technology, the medical payments had already bankrupted me. This can't be happening to me. Tae Kwon Do is invincible!"

Guan Fei chuckles. "Tae Kwon Do was invented by Koreans when they realized that they could never master Chinese Kung Fu. Ho ho, it is akin to a bunch of Korean school children beholding the grand Summer Palace of China, then deciding that they wanted to build their own palace out of sticks and old tires!"

"Don't do this, Guan Fei! Together we defeated Theldorrin and saved the world. I know that you're a good man deep down! Help me again. Help me beat Lucifer and the rest of these bastards!"

"As I diamond cuttered Handsomus' worthless face, so also did I smash face first into the ground my past good deeds. Didn't you get the memo?"

Bin Destruction pipes in. "Aha, I am seeing what you did there! Because Robert McCoy works in the office of U. S. and A.!"

"Why did you even bother showing up tonight, McCoy?" continues Guan Fei, "You could have just stayed home and kept your dignity."

"Not show up? Unthinkable! My son. I couldn't let my son down! I can't refuse a challenge, I must fight on, NO MATTER THE COST!"

"And yet, your son is not here tonight. In fact, I will bet that you FORBID him from attending! Why did you do that, McCoy?"

"I ... I ..."

"EHHHHHHHH? If you will not say it then I will say it for you! It was because, deep down, you knew that you were going to die tonight."

" ... "

"Ha! Your stubborn clinging to honour even if it means death is as amusing as my own in the past! Well, this has proven to be a fun little romp, something to loosen my spirits for my real match tonight. But I ought to end this now since a match between the world champion and a jobber should never go on for this long."

"I'm ... a jobber?!"

McCoy was so shocked from the revelation of these tricks that he didn't notice Bin Destruction creeping up behind him, and he axehandles him in the back! McCoy falls on his face and struggles to get back up, but it's hard on the account of having no legs!

"These toys are too much for you!" Guan Fei screams as he grabs hold of McCoy's two springs and PULLS THEM OFF, HIS LIMBS BEING TORN OFF FOR THE TENTH TIME WHO EVEN KNOWS ANYMORE! Bin Destruction straddles McCoy's bleeding torso, and pulls a box cutter out from his pocket. Like a passed out frat boy having a mustache and cocks drawn on him with marker by his drunken buddies, Bin Destruction does the same thing, except carving them into McCoy, PERMANENTLY! The four Musclepotamia members then pull out Super Soakers filled with lemon juice and begin shooting McCoy's cuts with them as he screams in unimaginable agony!

Jim Ross: "Musclepotamia is reaching a sickening new low! Isn't anybody gonna help him?!"

"Who will save you, McCoy?!" asks Guan Fei, "Is it Superman? He has his hands full already with Goku! And besides that, that weakling would not dare show his face to me again after what I did to him at Clusterfuck Chaos! Is Handsomus even HERE yet? He is no match for all of us anyway. Maybe that bastion of virtue and human kindness, the Order of Arschloch will find it critical to their interests to not let some worthless, 40 year old Tae Kwon Do brown belt die. Perhaps Kenshiro ... he always seems to arrive just in time to save somebody in need." A look of fear crosses Guan Fei's face. "Oh wait, he is a FICTIONAL CHARACTER! So, WHO IS IT GOING TO BE, MCCOY?!"

Outside the arena, a shooting star can be seen streaking across the night sky. However, nothing of importance comes from this event.

Backstage, an attractive asian female sweeps out some dust from an ominous looking locker. But this scene proves to be be only that.

In the crowd, a suspicious looking boy wearing a Japanese school uniform sits, his face obscured by an overhead shadow. He leans forward, out of the shadow, to get a better view of the action, and we see that he is, in fact, just a normal Japanese exchange student.

The camera fixates on the entrance to ringside, but no one comes.

"Well, my brothers, this was indeed a good show we put on for our adoring fans," Guan Fei announces as a torrent of boos erupts from the capacity crowd, "But I would say that it is high time to end this!" Guan Fei moonsaults on McCoy's already tortured torso! He runs up and leaps onto the turnbuckle, performing another moonsault!

Jim Ross: "Good gawd he's finishing him off with the Greco Romance of the Three Kingdoms! This is just disgustingly unnecessary!"

Guan Fei looks toward the Faggotron, looking to complete the finishing move. But instead of climbing onto that, he hurls Killing the Dragon straight up into the air, taking himself with it! He flies all the way to the rafters, and just as he is about to hit the ceiling of the arena, he loses momentum and snatches his spear while performing a quadruple somersault as he begins to fall back down to the earth! He hits terminal velocity and takes a bellyflop position, preparing to murder McCoy with the massive moonsault! McCoy's neck muscles bulge as he struggles to squirm out of the way, tears running down his face, but it's hopeless. Right before impact, Guan Fei aims his spear and DRIVES IT RIGHT THROUGH MCCOY'S FUCKING FACE!!!

Jim Ross: "MUH GAWD, BAH GAWD, HE FUCKING DID GRECO ROMANCE OF THE THREE KINGDOMS AND SPEARFACED MCCOY AT THE SAME DAMNED TIME!!!"

Warrior: "MOTHER SHIT!!"

Guan Fei dusts his hands and picks up one of the springs he ripped off of McCoy and jams it back into one of his leg stumps, and pins McCoy's shoulders to the mat while hooking the spring like a leg in a mock display of struggle to get a difficult pin. The referee, in shock, falls to his knees and counts the one, two, three. Guan Fei kicks aside McCoy and Musclepotamia exits the ring, as paramedics rush in and desperately apply bandages and hook up IVs into McCoy. It's said that a person's life flashes before their eyes in the moment before death. Whether he was indeed dying, or if he was choosing to remember by himself, McCoy didn't know. He sees Guan Fei ripping the springs out of his legs not two minutes ago. Ripping his legs and arms off at Clusterfuck Chaos. Losing to Jack Daniels. Losing to Goldman, Hard'Rok, Giant Baba, Antonio Inoki, Lex Dangerseeker, Kuroda Saito. He can see the ghost of his master, Daniel Wojehoski tell him that he didn't even mean it when he called him the chosen one. He remembers, years before he learned Tae Kwon Do, trying to stand up for his son when he was bullied, only to get beat up himself by the bully's dad. "You're such a pussy" is what his son told him, as they were walking home that day. He can feel himself losing consciousness; he wouldn't even make it into the humiliating memories before that. The paramedics quickly load what's left of McCoy's shattered, bleeding body onto a stretcher, as one final thought emerges from McCoy's mind before he falls into a coma.

"I don't care if I never wake up."

JR: Well Warrior, let’s take advantage of this little break to talk about your son, Super Queerbasher.

Warrior: God love the kid, he tries his damndest but just doesn’t have the Warrior winning spirit in him yet. Rome wasn’t built in a day JR, and neither were these picture perfect muscles of mine. And he still made it to the final four during Clusterfuck Chaos! Even my All-American hero Ant King didn’t do that!

JR: That’s right! Super Queerbasher coasted along to the finals, defeating Puff Ryder and killing Sella Phayne.

Warrior: Communist pussy deviants, both of them! My only regret is that he didn’t finish the job on Puff Ryder! But tonight, he’s going to correct that mistake!

Warrior’s music hits and Super Queerbasher charges out from backstage at full steam, much like his father was known for. His Long, Hard Pole is being swung wildly and various fans in the front row have their jaws knocked off their faces. Their tongues hang limply from their heads, salivating over the anticipation of witnessing another intense FTUW bloodbath! Todd Lightning gets pumped up as he prepares to announce his buddy, one of FTUW’s oldest and most under appreciated wrestlers.

Lightning: Aight muthafuckers, listen up! This man suffers from a chronic illness, and that’s never having enough chronic! So let’s hotbox this arena and lend a helping lung to the baddest nigga on the FTUW circuit! Let’s hear it for PUFFFFFFFFFFFFFF RYDA!!!

Macho Man Nimbus Cloud floats down from the sky and normal buttoned down Rasheed Young is riding atop. Everyone in the crowd pulls out their complimentary Omni-bong replica they got for buying a ticket to the show and inhale the complimentary sticky icky. Everyone exhales simultaneously in Young’s direction and he obtains the most powerful second-hand high possible, transforming him into that defender of justice and last disciple of Ricky Williams, PUFF RYDER!

Ryder touches the ring and he squares off with Queerbasher. Suddenly, the ring opens up and a giant glass cylinder shoots up, trapping both men inside! It’s an enormous bong!

Lightning: This is FTUW’s first High Till You Die match! The fighters must battle in the gigantic bong as it fills with bong water. The first person to escape the bong is the victor! However, the bong itself is made from Jesusnium and is impossible to break with ordinary attacks! Therefore, climbing out is the only likely way to escape. Additionally, the bong will be lit after fifteen minutes. Aside from superheating the water, it will give Macho Man the irresistible urge to take a hit and possibly inhale you whole!

Macho Man: I…I’m sorry Rasheed…I…

Puff Ryder: S’okay, brotha. Ya gots to do what ya gots to do!

Macho Man: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

Warrior lifts Todd Lightning and tosses him like a javelin into the Faggotron.

Warrior: WHAT THE FUCK SHIT FUCK IS THIS SHIT?! WHY DOES MY SON HAVE TO FIGHT IN A FUCKING COMMIE DRUG HIPPIE MATCH FOR FAGGOTS?!

The match begins in spite of the fact that Warrior is tearing men to shreds outside of the ring. Puff Ryder turns into smoke and attempts to fly out of the bong. However, Queerbasher jumps up into the air above the smoke and starts spinning his Long, Hard Pole so fast that it acts like a fan and sends Ryder back down to the bottom of the bong. Ryder turns back into human form only to see Queerbasher come down with a big splash!

Warrior: YAAAAAAAAAAA! That’s my boy!!!

Queerbasher attempts to impale his opponent with his Long, Hard Pole, but Puff Ryder whips out his Omni-bong and parries the blow. Both men swing their weapons and neither one is able to land a blow. Puff Ryder extends the Omni-bong, but Queerbasher dodges. Ryder notices too late that his Omni-bong is now too big and jammed inside of his bong prison. Queerbasher takes advantage of the opportunity and clubs his opponent over the head! The Omni-bong turns back to normal size and Puff Ryder slumps over, his eyes rolled back in his head. Blood sprays out and Ryder hits the ground as water begins pouring in.

JR: Ryder’s going to drown!

Warrior: HAHAHAHAHAHA! He was so high that he wasn’t able to think ahead! How could a godless San Francisco softie like Ryder ever think he could get in the ring with a Warrior?

Queerbasher puts his knee on Ryder’s head and starts choking him with his Long, Hard Pole as the water rises quickly. The water is already up to Queerbasher’s shoulders when Ryder goes limp. Queebasher lets go and lets Ryder float lifelessly in the bong water. All that’s left is to wait for the bong to fill up.

WHAM! Puff Ryder smashes Queerbasher right in the face with the Omni-bong!

Macho Man: OHHHHHHHHHH YEAAAAAAAAAAH! No one’s got stronger lungs than the main man! Why I saw him hold it in for ten minutes after toking this blunt that was the size of one of my shits!

Queerbasher steadies himself after the surprise attack. The monstrous veins in his neck begin to bulge and he’s breathing so hard that the water surrounding him vibrates. He jumps up into the air to come down with another big splash! But Puff Ryder jumps up even higher! Ryder extends his Omni-bong straight down and it clobbers Queerbasher right in the spine! Queerbasher fires downward like a rocket and falls into the now 10 feet deep water. Puff Ryder lands and is able to stand atop the water!

JR: BAH GAWD! Queerbasher is too heavy to jump up while underwater, but Puff Ryder is light like a water bug and can even stand on it!

Warrior: GET UP BOY! FIND THE SPIRITS! LISTEN TO THEM SCREAMING!!!!!

Puff Ryder begins climbing his Omni-bong, which is now stretching up towards the sky. With his opponent pinned underneath, there’s nothing to stop him from getting out! The match is over!

He’s about to climb up and over the top when he feels a shaking. It’s Queerbasher! His well-defined back muscles are grabbing the Omni-bong and he’s using his family’s legendary rope shaking maneuver! Puff Ryder holds on for dear life, but no ordinary human could possibly keep a firm grip with centuries of Warrior insanity tearing at you! Ryder falls down into the waiting arms of Queerbasher! Queerbasher flips upside-down in the water and Gorilla Press Slams Puff Ryder all the way the down to the bottom of the bong, which is halfway full now!

Warrior: HOLY FUCK, JR! He’s done it! He’s master all of our family’s signature attacks! MY SON YOU ARE SO STRONG HELL FUCK YEAH YES GRARRRRRRRRRRGH!

JR: I can’t believe it! Queerbasher sent Puff Ryder flying twenty-five feet into the bottom of that solid Jesusnium bong! SLOBBERKNOCKERTACULAR!

Ryder is dazed and immobile. The water is filling rapidly and only a matter of a couple of minutes before it is filled. Queerbasher swims under and grabs his Long, Hard Pole. It won’t extend long enough to let him pull a stunt like Puff Ryder did earlier, but it can still have its own uses. He swims up to the top with the water 3/4 full and extends his pole horizontally. This creates a solid platform for him to stand on! Macho Man wrings his hands out of concern, but smacks his lips as he sees the torches being ignited in order to light the bong.

Queerbasher jumps up and grabs the edge of the bong! He’s about to climb out! Puff Ryder comes to and out of desperation throws his Omni-bong at Queerbasher. It hits one of Queerbasher’s shoulders and breaks it! His broken arm is no longer grabbing onto the edge! He stills holds on with his other hand though! Queerbasher is still about to climb out! Puff Ryder’s too far down in the water to swim up in time!

JR: DAMMIT! The last ditch effort was for nothing!

Warrior: My son could climb out with two broken arms and two broken legs! He’d just grab onto the edge with his perfect pecs!

Queerbasher has a little trouble lifting his gigantic body up and over with only his left arm, but manages to do so. He straddles the side of the bong, which is now completely full, and peers down to see where his opponent is. He’s gone! Puff Ryder is missing! Queerbasher is confused since Puff Ryder couldn’t have swum up that quickly! All he sees are his air bubbles floating up!

NO! NOT AIR BUBBLES! Puff Ryder turned to smoke! He turned to smoke and was able to shoot up in the water as bubbles! Puff Ryder reforms and kicks Queerbasher right in the face! Queerbasher is staggering! Puff Ryder lifts Queerbasher’s body up and DDTs him right onto his Long, Hard Pole in the bong! The Long, Hard Pole bends in half and Queerbasher passes out!

JR: BAH GAWD! BAH GAWD! IT’S OVER! PUFF RYDER KNOCKED OUT SUPER QUEERBASHER!

Warrior: GRAAAAAAAAAAGH! Snap out of it, boy! He won’t be able to climb out of that bong! That goddamn coon cocksucker is gonna see what happens to those who go against the WARRIORS!

Puff Ryder can’t so much as swim anymore! The strain of picking up Super Queerbasher was too much! He’s too weak to climb out of the bong!

The buzzer rings! The bong is being lit!

Macho Man: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!

Macho Man leaps clear all the way to the top of the bong and inhales as deeply as he can! Smoke bubbles and even the bong water itself are lifted into his lungs by the massive vacuum power! Queerbasher is saved from being inhaled by being too meaty and muscular!

Macho Man leaps off the bong and holds it in for a second. He finally breathes out, exhaling the water and smoke everywhere, showering the crowd who strip their clothes off and start having a giant orgy in the pool of water! The words OHHHH YEAH are formed in smoke in the air as Macho Man burps out that very phrase.

The words start to come together. They form a smoke cloud. That smoke cloud takes the shape of a man! It’s Puff Ryder! Puff Ryder make it out of the bong through Macho Man’s lungs! He lands on the ground outside of the bong!

JR: IT’S OVER! IT’S OVER! IT’S OVER! PUFF RYDER WINS! PUFF RYDER WINS! PUFF RYDER WINS!

Warrior: HUNGRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!

Warrior tears off his suit and runs over to the ring. He picks up the bon with his son still unconscious inside and throws it into outer space!

JR: What the shit?! You just killed your own son!

Warrior: All he has to do is fart and his trajectory will change and send him back to Earth. BUT WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?! HE LOST TO THAT HOP HEAD! MY RAGE IS EVERLASTING AND ALL CONSUMING! I HAVE TO GO RAPE WOMEN OR I WILL NOT BE APPEASED!

Warrior runs off and begins raping every woman he can find while the ring is being fixed for the next match.

JR: Okay folks up next we have a match that, while not exactly happening for any reason, it is happening tonight. Though they’re not feuding I don’t think there’s any love lost between these two.

WW: Right you are, Ross. John Baines walks on the very fine line between not liking violence and the FTUW in general and being an American. If nothing else I can say I admire him for not taking the cowardly route of picketing and setting an example and instead competing in the sport he hates so much.

JR: My flapjacks are a bubblin fer this here slobberknocker!

WW: Let’s go to Brian Lightning in the ring.

Brian Lightning: (adjusts tie) Ladies and Gentlemen…The following is a ONE FALL exhibition match with a 30 minute time limit! Entering first….hailing from Neo Berlin, Germany…weighing in at…A LOT….and also pretty tall….IMPIOUUUUUSSSS THE PRIIIIIIIIICKAH!!!!

The decidedly pro American crowd boos with all their might. A group of fans under a large confederate flag kick over their portable grill in RAGE at the coming of Impious! A greasy guy with a five o clock shadow and yellow pit stains adorning his tank top pulls out a bottle of some unknown fluid and shoves an oily (it was dry when he picked it up) rag into the bottleneck and goes to light it. Unable to find a match the man pulls a musket out of his cooler and holds his arm out trying his best to point the tip of the firearm at the top of the bottle and fires. Impious barely notices the fiery explosion that just went off somewhere in the crowd as it is commonplace in the FTUW. Impious steps over the top rope and walks to the corner of the ring. Facing the turnbuckle the blind man drops to his knees in prayer to the mighty Arschloch.

Brian Lightning: Annnd Entering now…Hailing from BOSTON Massachusettssss…Weighing in at the weight deemed acceptable for upper middle class white men of his age by Men’s Fitness magazine…JOOOOOOHN BAAAAAAAAINESSSS!

John Baines steps out from the entryway wearing a one piece high school wrestling leotard. Baines is carrying a bottle of water and holding a towel over his shoulder as he nods to the fans.

JR: Well now that’s a fine young man right there. Somebody the fans can look up to.

WW: They’d have to look up because they’d be on THEIR BACKS because of the nap they took due to the BOREDOM of idolizing a stiff like Baines! I take back the stuff I said about him earlier, if you’re not even willing to put on some makeup or ribbons why the hell even show up!?

John Baines and Impious stare each other down. Well, John Baines does and Impious listens to how the air contours around John Baines’ eyeballs down. The bell rings and both men lunge forward grabbing each other by the shoulders in classic pro wrestling fashion. Though John Baines has an extra hand he’s still overpowered by the one mighty MITT of Impious! Impious shoves Baines down on his ass easily displaying his early dominance! John Baines is back on his feet within a second and shoots in under Impious in a double leg takedown attempt! The tree like legs of Impious don’t budge and John Baines receives a vicious punch in the back of the head for his troubles!

John Baines obviously frustrated appears to go for another double leg takedown but instead does a forward flip burying the heel of his regulation wrestling boots into the top of Impious’ skull! The crowd cheers for something of interest to finally happen. Impious stumbles and John Baines follows up by drop kicking the German in the stomach! The ring shakes as Impious crashes into the turnbuckle! Before he can do anything John Baines has run up to the corner and jumped from rope to rope until he is standing on Impious’ chest! Baines Jumps 10 feet into the air and does a twisting somersault into a vicious double foot stomp right on top of Impious’ FACE!

WW: I hope my son does well in his match tonight or if it’s already happened I hope that he won.

The crowd cheers as Baines seems to have the upper hand but he feels a vice wrap around his ankle! Impious grabs John Baines by the leg and whips him straight downward into the mat! He pulls Baines back up and whips him again this time crushing Baines’ back right against the top of the turnbuckle! The crowd groans in sympathy pain as John is torn off the turnbuckle YET AGAIN and Impious holds onto his leg charging across the entire length of the ring! When Impious reaches the ropes he whips Baines entire body straight over in half circle SMASHING the ring Apron with Baine’s torso! Impious finally releases the rag doll and Baines collapses to the outside coughing up blood and bone chips from his destroyed spine and rib cage!

Impious grabs the turnbuckle and plants his feet with the squealing sound of warping metal Impious fucking RIPS the turnbuckle out of the ring. With two well placed karate chops Impious severs the ring ropes turning the turnbuckle into a large club! John Baines finally gets to his knees and looks up just to be PUNTED in the face by the fucking turnbuckle! John Baines is launched hundreds of feet through the air with the golf club like swing of the horrific weapon. Baines sails over the guardrail and into the crowd knocking down a few fans!

JR: What a shot by Impious! Bah gawd I don’t think anybody could come back from a shot like that if this were anywhere but the FTUDubyah!

The fans grab at John Baines’ hair and arms and legs punching scratching and biting him while screaming whatever obscenities they can come up with at the struggling lawyer.

“You fuckin’ FAG! We want a REAL fighter in there!”
“EAT A PILE OF CUNT PUKE FUCKER!!!”
“HAHAHA YOU PIECE OF SHIT!!!”
“KICK HIS DAMN SKULL IN!”

The verbal and physical assault continues as John Baines fights his way to his feet. His eyes twitch as veins pop out on his forehead in RAGE! The fans pile in even more screaming in his face and dumping food and scalding hot coffee on his head! One fat hairy asshole pulls down his zipper and lets loose a golden stream of insult right into Baines’ eyes! Impious has jumped the railing and is heading towards where John Baines landed when suddenly the huge crowd of people EXPLODES UPWARDS! Fans fly in every direction like in Matrix 2 only not shitty looking CGI! John Baines stands there with the hairy guy’s balls in his hand! The guy’s eyes bulge insanely as tears pour down his face. He whimpers one more pointless whimper for mercy before Baines Fucking Tears his entire digestive tract out of his stomach! The guy screams in horror but is silenced as Baines SMASHES the guy’s own dick down his throat with intestines and whatever else is attached to that area trailing behind! The guy falls over looking like he’s playing a bagpipe made of his own organs and twitches involuntarily. Baines whips his head in the direction of Impious Looking fucking INSANELY BADASS PISSED THE FUCK OFF!!

JR: GOOD GOD!! THEY PUSHED BAINES TOO FAR! THERE’s NO TELLING WHAT HE’LL DO!!!

WW: OOOOOWHAAA-AAH-AAH-AHH!!!!

Impious Swings the massive turnbuckle at Baines decapitating some onlooking fans who are stupidly in the way! Baines meets the damn turnbuckle with a GODDAMN HEADBUTT bending the motherfucking thing into an L shape!!! Impious’ arm is shocked by the force of the blow and drops the makeshift weapon! Impious then feels the tremendous blast of air being pushed towards him! TOO LATE as John Baines TACKLES IMPIOUS straight THROUGH the guardrail Warping and SPLITTING the thing in half like it were made of butter!!! Baines keeps going and rams Impious right through the damn ring apron splintering a path of wood and canvas as they cut the entire fucking ring in half! The ref falls into the ditch that is now running through the center of the ring as FTUW labor runs out there and already begins repairing it! Impious does his best to block as Baines’ fists rain down like HAMMERS from the heavens pounding over and over deeper and deeper into Impious’ face! The fans are ravenous with excitement as Impious’ blood spatters over them like some orgasmic waterfall or SOME SHIT.

WW: Baines has this match in the palm of his hand! I take back what I said AGAIN…This kid knows what it takes to be a champ in the FTUW! FIGHTING with all you’ve got no matter what and not giving a shit who you step on along the way.

Baines pauses looking up at the screaming fans who writhe in ecstasy like wild dogs who are writhing in ecstasy. He sees an old woman among the fans covering his eyes in horror at the spectacle. A woman that looks about the same age as his mom was…. This distraction is more than enough for Impious to grab Baines by the FACE and SQUEEZE with all his fucking might! Baines claws at Impious’ one forearm as Impious manages to roll out from under Baines! Impious gets to his feet and pulls Baines to a standing position as well! With a mighty HEAVE Impious hoists John into the air still holding him by the face and then thrusts him downward! Impious drops to one knee and CRACKS Baines’ fucking SKULL against it with a SICKENING sound! Impious releases Baines from his grip letting the unconscious body collapse onto the ground. Impious stands over the fallen opponent and turns to leave satisfied.

JR: A magnificent show of guts and determination by Baines but Impious was simply too much of a monster to overcome!

Impious stops in mid step and his head shoots upwards at attention. He turns his head to see Baines fucking getting to his feet.

“I’m…not done with you…you..FUCK….not…even CLOSE!”

Impious runs to Baines and kicks him in the face so hard that Baines does a damn backflip! Blood shooting in 360 degrees as John lands face first back onto the floor. He is still for half a second before once again trying to get to his feet!

“R-Rip you…you a new one….I’m…gonna…!!”

IMPIOUS’ FOOT STOMPS INTO THE BACK OF Baines’ HEAD SO FUCKING HARD THAT HIS FACE IMPRINTS INTO THE CONCRETE FLOOR! Impious raises his leg and stomps AGAIN…and AGAIN!!! Baines’ face now buried to halfway past his fucking ears! Baines’ fingers twitch and then his hand balls up into a FIST! The fist starts fucking shaking!! IMPIOUS jumps with both fucking feet onto the back of Baines’ head now!!! Baines’ fist fucking SHAKES EVEN HARDER!! IMPIOUS IS FLABBERGASTED as he stomps and kneedrops and punches with all his might but John Baines just keeps pounding his fists into the ground! FRUSTRATED Impious puts his fingers together into a “paper” like shape and rears back to drive his entire hand through John Baines’ head with Nanto Seiken! Baines throws his fists up and CRASHES THEM into the concrete so hard that huge cracks streak all around and the force of the blow knocks impious off balance! That pause is all Baines needed to RIP his face out of the floor and fucking lunge at Impious screaming!! John CHOMPS down on IMPIOUS’ THROAT with all his might, his fucking eyes bulging out of his head completely BLOODSHOT and wraps his legs around IMPIOUS’ stomach while Sending a fucking HURRICANE of PUNCHES into the temples of the handicapped german creature!!

JR: OH MY GAWD THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE! WHAT SPIRIT!! WHAT TENACITY!! BAH GAWD!

The entire arena then rumbles with one thunderous word shouted with the force of a sonic boom!!

ENOUGH!!!!

The ground rumbles so hard that fans are falling on their asses as an ENORMOUS FIST tears through the floor! The Hairy appendage larger in itself than most men’s entire bodies can only belong to one man! PAPPY ARSHLOCH ERUPTS THROUGH THE GROUND screaming with his arms stretched out in both directions! Baines and Impious look up at the towering inferno of a man! PAPPY clasps both his hands together and AXEHANDLES FUCKING IMPIOUS AND BAINES!! The blow causes the entire arena to shake as mountains of concrete are formed around Pappy’s fists! Obviously both combatants are out!

WW: I’d say this was fucking unbelievable but I think it’s actually the third or fourth time this exact thing has happened…

Pappy stands over the two unconscious warriors and spits to the side. The wad of spit crashes into an old woman crushing her ripcage but leaving her alive to suffer a comatose existence relying on a machine. Pappy scoops up Impious and sticks him into his ass crack as he has no available pockets on his pants made of hundreds of skinned grizzly bears. Before he walks off Pappy looks down at Baines and says “This ain’t over kid!” Before stomping out of the arena. The ref finally gets to his feet and stumbles over to the time keeper’s table to tell him something. The time keeper picks up the mic.

“Ladies and gentlemen this match has been ruled a NO CONTEST.”

The audience boos because their assholes aside from a small group of Japanese fans who say stuff like “Good job in there!” and “Come back again and show us another great fight!” Baines is taken away on a stretcher as the FTUW crew has already neared fixing the damage.
Yogurtman
Odin
Joined: 03 Jan 2007
Posts: 2248
(Fri Feb 23, 2007 1:27 am)
Reply

Post     Re: FTUW'S SUPERMAN VS. GOKU (#17)

J.R.: The Gladitorium. In the good ol' days of the Roman Empire, real men would fight to the death for the entertainment of fops and dandies, as well as the drunken masses. FTUW continues this fine tradition, but with our own twist.

WW: That's right, J.R. Like a gladiator fight, there are no pussy rules like if a guy grabs a rope, you have to let go of your submission hold or count outs because you're outside the ring too long. No, once you enter the Gladitorium, the fight is on, no matter where they go. No referees to get in the way. Just two men, wrestling, and hopefully one of them dies.

J.R.: That's right, Warrior. But this time, Kenjiro Kanzaki and Mohammad Jaffer bin Abdul Destruction will be facing off in the JAPITORIUM. I'm not quite clear on what the difference is, though I suspect we'll find out soon.

WW: Jesus Christ, Jim, the Japitorium? I know chinky here is the lesser of two evils, but could the liberal bias be any more clear in favor of Ching Chong Ding Dong?

J.R.: I couldn't say, Warrior. Let's send it to Todd Lightning.

As Todd Lightning walks down the entrance ramp, the THUNDERDOME begins transforming. The area around the ring opens up into a circular area and the ring explodes, sending shrapnel flying through the building, in order to clear the first few rows that will be taken up by the added fighting space. The floor sinks down into a fight pit and when Lightning gets to the center of the pit, the ramp rises up to make a tunnel for the fighters to enter through. Finally, columns rise up from the ground and sand falls from the ceiling to complete the Roman coliseum look.

Todd Lightning enters the emperor's box and stands next to Baron Hoity von Toity. Both wave to the crowd.

"Welcome, everyone, to the GLADITORIUM!" Lightning shouts to cheers and applause. "Let us welcome first to the Gladitorium, coming all the way from Japan in the Far East, KENJIIIIIIIIRO KANZAAAAAAKI!"

Kanzaki steps out of the tunnel between two FTUW centurions like some kind of hardass with his hands in his pockets. The fans start chanting Saketumi's name because all Asian guys basically look exactly the same. "Feh!" Kanzaki says. "I respect Saketumi, too, but I had hoped to make my own name by now."

WW: Look at the utter contempt Kanzaki has for the world of wrestling. It's a disgrace, J.R., to have this guy in the federation.

J.R.: Let's not be hasty, Warrior, Kanzaki did help destroy Theldorrin when it looked like nothing could stop him.

WW: The bookers probably only made it look like he helped to try to promote their p/c agenda. Multiculturalism is a lie, J.R. I'm sure the Ant King did all of the real work.

J.R.: The Ant King wasn't even there.

WW: THE FUCK HE WASN'T!

"And now," Lightning begins, "coming to the Gladitorium from Jihadistan in the Middle East and representing Musclepotamia, MOHAMMAD - JAFFER - BIN ABDUUUUUL DESTRUCTION!"

FUCKING SUDDENLY, THE SAND AT THE CENTER OF THE RING RISES UP INTO A HUMAN SHAPE AND THEN BECOMES THE FLESH AND BLOOD BIN DETRUCTION!

WW: Yawn. Seen it once, seen it a thousand times, jackass.

Bin Destruction points to Kenjiro and says, "You are being a sacrifice in glorious name of Allah for the glory of Musclepotamia. Allah is great!"

"Yare yare daze," Kenjiro says, looking at the ground.

CLANK! CLANK! CL-CL-CL-CL-CL-CL-CLANK!

WOMEN WRAPPED IN CHAINS FALL FROM THE RAFTERS AND ARE HUNG IN FRONT OF THE COLUMNS!!!!!!!!

J.R.: Bah gawd, what in the name of Gawd is going on here?

As if to answer J.R.'s STUPID FUCKING QUESTION, we get a view of the arena from Bin Destruction's view point in ALLAH VISION.

In that grainy, red-tinted kind of sight that the Terminator had, even with the undecipherable writing and everything, Bin Destruction looks around him at the girls. He focuses in on one and zooms in. A bar quickly fills up and the analyzation is complete: 90 PERCENT JEWICITNESS. He grins and analyzes the other girls and similar ratings pop up on his screen. 87 PERCENT JEWICITNESS. 92 PERCENT JEWICITNESS. 89 PERCENT JEWICITNESS.

J.R.: The Japitorium was no advantage for Kenjiro Kanzaki! It was a goddamn trap for him! The Baron's vendetta against Rakkyu Saketumi once again wraps around Kanzaki's neck like an Oklahoma noose!

WW: I don't know if I like it, Jim. On one hand, all of these Jewish American Princesses will likely die, and as you know, Jewishness is mainly passed down from the mother. On the other hand, it will help a known terrorist. This is tough, but I'll go with the Baron's judgment on this one.

J.R.: He's a cad!

WW: You say cad, I say hero.

Kenjiro doesn't know he's in trouble! Bin Destruction laughs at him and pulls out handfuls of box cutters.

"This is the true strength of Allah! BOX CUTTER WHIRLWIND!"

Bin Destruction hurls dozens of box cutters at Kenjiro at lightning speed, but Kenjiro easily dodges, swaying to the left and right.

"Is that all you got?" Kenjiro asks, smirking. "Is it my turn to punch your face in?"

Bin Destruction points behind Kenjiro, who looks behind him. THE BOX CUTTERS WERE CAUGHT BY ARMS MADE OF SAND! THE SAND ARMS TURN INTO A TORNADO AND HURL THE BOX CUTTERS STRAIGHT AT KENJIRO! KENJIRO TRIES TO FLIP OUT OF THE WAY OF ONE, BUT ANOTHER SLICES INTO HIS LEG AND HE'S UNABLE TO LAND, FALLING RIGHT ON HIS FACE.

J.R.: It looks like Bin Destruction has picked up some new moves since joining Musclepotamia.

WW: You know how I feel about Lucifer, Jim, and this is exactly it. He's a fucking evil monster who bends people until they become monsters and then Jesus has to come in and fix all that bullshit. It's not fair and it's not right.

The sandstorm clears and box cutters are sticking out of the ground following the path of Kenjiro. After he fell, two more hit him, one in each arm. Bin Destruction walks up and kicks him in the face. "You are not being up, Asian infidel. It is much dishonorable to be on your knees to someone is not Allah."

"Kck ... kck ..." Kenjiro tries to stand, but Bin Destruction pushes his face back in the dirt with his foot.

"If you are giving up, I do not have to be killing you today. Perhaps will are joining Musclepotamia?" Bin Destruction rubs Kenjiro's face in the dirt and it starts turning red with blood.

J.R.: This isn't right, someone stop the damn match!

WW: There are no rules in the Gladitorium, J.R. You know that.

FUCKING OUT OF NOWHERE, KENJIRO PUSHES HIMSELF UP, KNOCKING BIN DESTRUCTION OFF BALANCE. HE SPINS HIS BODY AND BACK FISTS BIN DESTRUCTION IN THE FACE, THROWING HIM DOWN TO THE GROUND.

"It's not over, sand creature," Kenjiro wipes the sand from his face, "I'll show you the real strength of Japan!"

Kenjiro runs at Bin Destruction, but Mohammad rolls out of the way AND FISTS OF SAND ERUPT FROM THE GROUND! KENJIRO SIMPLY LEAPS UP AND USES THE FISTS AS STEPPING STONES AND THEN DOES A FLYING KICK INTO BIN DESTRUCTION'S GUT!

"ORA!" Kenjiro pins Bin Destruction's arms with his knees and starts punching the terrorist in the face repeatedly. "ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA!"

WW: Hey, let's see you do that kung fu shit to a REAL wrestler, Jappy.

J.R.: That was quite a comeback, Warrior, worthy of anyone in the FTUW.

WW: Hey, in my day, grabbing a man and rubbing his face in your crotch or holding him from behind close to your chest and squeezing was the only way to fight. None of this karate chop nonsense.

"Get up, monster, I thought you were going to sacrifice me to Allah," Kenjiro stands above his defeated foe.

AND THEN A FIST HITS HIM IN HIS FUCKING FACE!

J.R.: What's going on? Are there two Bin Destructions now?

WW: Like we even needed the first one. What is this world coming to?

Kenjiro falls and looks up to see Bin Destruction. He looks over at the Bin Destruction he had been punching and sees it was made of sand!

"I am not so easy to hit," Bin Destruction says, kicking Kenjiro in his goddamned BALLS. "Wait here, I am being back soon," he says and walks toward a column.

WW: I'm not sorry to see another chink dead, I just wish they'd stop coming.

J.R.: Don't say that yet, Warrior! Kenjiro can still make another comeback!

WW: Nah, not really.

"Ku - Kuso ..." Kenjiro says under his breath, "Saketumi would have already beaten this worthless shithead. But with all of this sand here, I don't stand a chance."

Bin Destruction creates a pillar of sand that lifts him up to one of the Jewesses. He rubs her chin and she pulls her head away. "Do not be so like this. I am end your suffering on Earth so you can burn in Hell with your Zionist brothers." He slices open her neck with a box cutter and laps up her blood.

J.R.: Oh my Lord, I don't believe what I'm seeing!

WW: Jesus Christ, that is gross.

"You should be proud of how Jewish you were, girl," Bin Destruction says as his beard begins to spark and glow, "You help to make me very strong." Bin Destruction looks away AND HIS BEARD EXPLODES INTO A FIERY INFERNO! RIDING THE FLAMES, HE FLIES OVER TO KENJIRO'S PRONE BODY BREATHES FIRE, BURNING IT TO ASHES.

"Hah hah," Bin Destruction begins to laugh but then looks down to see a foot through his stomach. "WHAT?"

AS BIN DESTRUCTION WHIPS HIS HEAD AROUND, A TOTALLY NUDE KENJIRO KANZAKI PUNCHES HIM IN THE FACE. WITH HIS LEG STUCK INSIDE OF BIN DESTRUCTION, HE CAN COCK HIS ARM BACK AND PUNCH HIM AGAIN AND AGAIN. BIN DESTRUCTION TRIES TO PUSH THE LEG BACK OUT, BUT IT'S STUCK!

J.R.: Amazing! Kenjiro put his clothes over a body made of sand to trick Bin Destruction into burning that up instead! Then with the distraction, he kicked right through Bin Destruction!

WW: Thanks for telling us what we already saw.

J.R.: You're welcome, dick.

Bleeding out his Jew blood, Bin Destruction flies haphazardly and smashes his back against a column hoping to knock Kanzaki loose. Instead, it only pushes the leg deeper. But it has affected Kenjiro, who seems to be losing power in his punches. Finally they both hit the ground in a heap, Bin Destruction completely out of Jew power.

"Damn it, I can't quit now," Kenjiro thinks, but his body won't listen. He barely manages to pull his leg out, slick and red with Bin Destruction's blood. He looks down to see even more blood, much more than there should have been. "N - Nani?"

IT'S THE BODY OF A JEWESS! WHEN THEY HIT THE COLUMN, IT MUST HAVE KNOCKED HER FREE, BUT IT ALSO KILLED HER. ALARMED, KANZAKI TRIES TO PUSH BIN DESTRUCTION'S BODY AWAY, BUT IT'S TOO DAMN LATE! BIN DESTRUCTION ROLLS OVER AND GRINS, THE HOLE STARTING TO FILL, HEALING. THE BEARD HEATS UP AND KANZAKI KNOWS HE'S FINISHED. HIS BODY IS TOO BEAT UP!

J.R.: It looks like this time it really is over for Kenjiro Kanzaki.

WW: Whatever, next match already.

BIN DESTRUCTION GETS UP AND STARTS ZOOMING AROUND THE ARENA WITH HIS ARMS SPREAD WIDE, THEN FLIES TOWARD KENJIRO! IT'S THE BURNING 9/11!!! (redundant)

Kenjiro crosses his arms in front of his chest in an attempt to block, but he knows it's futile. He looks ahead, staring death in the face. He would never reach the heights that his brother did, but he would die in battle just like him. What else could he expect, a mere human facing someone with powers? Kenjiro smiles like a badass and screams, "FACK YOOOU!"

BIN DESTRUCTION FUCKING EXPLODES AND KENJIRO STARES IN SHOCK!

J.R.: What in the goddamn hell is going on!?

WW: There's something in the smoke. I can't tell what it is.

THE SMOKE CLEARS.

IT'S A FUCKING LOCKER!

My Head Hurts 90 walks up behind Kenjiro Kanzaki and pounds him against the locker, face first. The dial turns left. Again, Kenjiro is slammed into the locker. The dial spins to the right. My Head Hurts turns Kenjiro to face him and finally headbutts Kenjiro into the locker, turning the dial again to the left.

"Kanzaki Kenjiro," My Head Hurts finally says, "I challenge you to a match. The loser can never fuck another Asian girl again."

J.R.: BAH GAWD! What kind of man could agree to those terms?

WW: I could. That shit is kind of gross.

Kenjiro looks up, his head spinning. A challenge?

"I ... I accept."

My Head Hurts kicks Kenjiro in the face and then the locker door opens.

"Don't slack off, Kanzaki," MHH says, walking away, "I love Asian pussy more than life itself."

J.R.: YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST, FOLKS. BRETT RAMSAY AND KENJIRO KANZAKI FACING OFF TO SEE WHO HAS TO PUT SEX WITH ASIAN WOMEN BEHIND THEM FOR GOOD!

WW: Unbelievable.

Kenjiro stands up, victorious, but feeling hollow. He didn't win this one on his own. "My Head Hurts? Well you're gonna need an aspirin!" Kenjiro looks inside the locker and picks it up. An American condom. What do the words say? Extra small? What the hell?

Kenjiro leaves the Gladitorium, confused, then trap doors around the arena open up, setting a dozen lions free. Sinclair Mohammad jumps out of the luxury box with the Baron's head strapped to his back. He yells out directions to Mohammad and magically headbutts the lions to death.

Later that night, Kenjiro Kanzaki is about to bang the hell out of some Asian broad and she tells him he has to wear a condom. He pulls out the one he got in the match, it was the only one he had with him. He opens the packet and puts the condom on, BUT IT'S TOO BIG! Because he doesn't have a condom that fits, the girl won't fuck him!

The arctic wastelands. If there’s a more poetic way to say a bunch of white hills feel free to plug that in where this sentence is. But in this white there is a red spot glaring. Like a tampon sticking out of the earth’s vagina. This spot is hell without any metaphor or fancy prose for badness to confuse. And in this hell there would be a cell. Over the massive crater FTUW has constructed a metallic support system and series of walkways covering the entirety of the bottomless pit. In the center of this web of steel and wiring is a large cylindrical structure that goes deep down into the pit beyond where human eyes can see. The only other noticeable thing is four massive chains which are made of a ceptuple titanium/richonium alloy so that shit aint breaking. The chains follow the cylindrical structure down into the abyss. Workers are busy moving enormous objects and falling to their deaths for the sake of sports entertainment as the Faggotron displays this scene to the frothing FTUW crowd.

JR: There she is. Cell in the Hell. Well we’ve seen this match before ladies and gentlemen but you never see the same match twice with stipulations like these..

WW: Welcome to the man’s world, JR. Leave your cunt with the receptionist and pick it up on your way out because this is GO TIME and a bunch of other snappy things you say to people working out.

JR: Absolutely. Well this match is between two people who’ve been through hell several times over. Handsomus R. Awesome who’s recently escaped space prison and the Arthurian Knights.

WW: We have enough problems keeping rapists and murderers living a life of luxury on our own planet. I’d have thought at least advanced ALIENS would have finally implemented the automatic death penalty.

JR: And Jack Daniels who’s recent struggle with his alleged twin brother have left him battered and confused. What kind of condition are either of these guys in to have to fight tonight?

WW: Well JR I can only answer that with a good old ‘Who Gives a Fuck?’ and say lets get this match going already.

On the faggotron we see a black HELLicopter painted with flames and badass shit like that swooping into the site. As the Hellicopter touches down steam blasts in every direction melting the snow away. This vehicle of course carries Jack Daniels and Lucifer who exit and walk along casually to the edge of the pit. A path melts in front of them the figures barely visible through the intense steam. Lucifer looks as confident as ever taking a cigarette out of a solid richonium holding case but Jack Daniels looks somewhat distant. Jack rubs his arm noticeably as the two come to a halt at pit’s edge.

In the distance a black dot becomes visible on the horizon. A hum fills the air despite the intense blowing of the arctic winds. It gets louder until it becomes recognizable as “Highway to Hell” by AC/DC. The camera sees the dot come into focus as of course, Handsomus R. Awesome. Handsomus is doing a handstand on Starstruck flying through the air towards the pit so that he can belt out fucking badass shit while flying! Handsomus touches down and kicks his God-tar making it swing up and over his shoulder. Across the pit are Daniels and Lucifer staring him down. Before both parties a pathway lights up leading to the cylindrical structure in the center. Lucifer pats Jack on the back and Jack marches down the path as does Handsomus. The two enter doorways that open in the structure and come face to face. The speaker squawks.

“Please enter and allow the elevator to take you to the match site.”

Handsomus and Daniels do so standing side by side as the doors close and the elevator descends into the pits of hell. A camera inside the elevator shows the tense moment. Jack Daniels smiles and says

“Heard ja spent some time in the slammer up there in outer space! You know what I heard happens in theres with nothin but fellers to keep ya compny?”

Handsomus stares straight forward stone faced, his sunglasses reflecting squares of light that travel up the frames.

“Betcha them aliens were even sweeter on ya than regular fellers’d be. Must be awful sore now. Hehehe”

Handsomus still doesn’t react as the gears grind to a stop and the elevator doors open.

“Good luck, glory hole” Jack adds before stepping off the elevator. Handsomus’ temple twitches before he too steps into the cage. As soon as they exit the elevator the structure ascends out of the cage and moves up like a folding telescope until it reaches the top. Now there is nothing connecting the two to the outside world besides solid steel chains hanging miles below the earth’s crust. In the FTUW arena Chad Lightning steps into the ring and announces the beginning of the match.

“The following is a CELL IN THE HELLLLL match!” The fans explode with excitement
“There is no time limit and the only way to win is to escape hell! To avoid outside interference with acknowledgement to Lucifer’s influence in hell, the cage will be electrified with holy energy siphoned straight from heaven!”

Lucifer’s eyes widen upon hearing this. He looks and sees that indeed there is a giant cable running from the top of the chains and trailing off into the sky. Lucifer is definitely not pleased with this last minute stipulation as even more steam rises off his body. The bell finally rings after this absurd amount of buildup and the match is under way! Handsomus and Daniels circle each other calmly in the ring walking along its edges. Daniels with a show of arrogance brings his palm to his mouth in a faux yawn while lazily leaning against the cage! The audience boos as Handsomus rolls his shoulders and cracks his neck to the side. SUDDENLY the cage jerks as Handsomus LEAPS at Daniels at blinding speeds! Handsomus throws out a boot that Daniels easily sidesteps. Daniels is about to SMASH Handomus in his space kidneys when Handsomus unexpectedly kicks off of the cage wall with the boot that missed Daniels! Handomus throws up his other leg into a spinning kick that slams right into the side of Daniels face! But NO! Daniels gets his arm up in time and blocks the kick! Not only that but black tentacles shoot out of Jack’s arm and constrict Handsomus’ leg!

“I’m gettin the hang’ve controllin’ this here arm. Lemme show ya!”

Daniels Kicks Handsomus’ free leg knocking it out from under him and throws a stiff left hand straight into Handomus’ nose! The force drives Handsomus into the steel cage wall. Jack wraps his legs around Handsomus’ constricted leg and lets himself fall to the ground placing Awesome into a textbook leg lock! The tentacles tighten around Handsomus’ leg drastically as Jack Daniels yanks back with glee tearing his opponents hamstrings! Handsomus grits his teeth and grabs the cage working his way back to a standing position but Daniels is still holding onto his other leg tearing ligaments and generally being a pain in the ass. Handsomus bends his free leg and pivots it using all his might to kick the other leg WITH DANIELS still holding onto it into the side of the cage sandwiching the hick against unforgiving steel! Daniels releases the hold and rolls back to his feet. Handomus has a slight limp but it’s certainly no big deal compared to a lot of his injuries!

“I’m gettin’ bored…” Daniels says looking into his hand. “How’s about lets just cut to the good stuff?” Handsomus smirks in response before swinging a MASSIVE uppercut into Jack’s chin! Jack flies upward and crashes into the ceiling of the cage and bouncing back down to the ground! Handsomus grabs Daniels by the overalls and WHIPS him across the cage but before Daniels can hit the other side of the cage HANDSOMUS has already TELEPORTED to the wall which he kicks off of and SPEARS Daniels out of midair! Daniels coughs up some blood as Handsomus grabs him by the FACE digging his fingers into Jack’s eyelids and nostrils! Handsomus pushes Daniels’ head into the steel cage and fucking starts running around along the cage walls grinding Daniels’ head! Handsomus finally pulls Jack’s head back and fucking SLAMS it with all his might into the cage! Handsomus steps away and it’s become clear that Jack’s head went THROUGH the grating and is now stuck! The audience laughs heartily at the ridiculous sight of Jack struggling to get his head out! Ho ho!

JR: Hm. So I was thinking about renting one of those jetskis.

WW: Sweet.

Lucifer uses telekinesis to enter Daniel’s mind.

Lucifer: Dammit Jack, they’re laughing at you! Handsomus is making you into a damn joke! Maybe you’re not cut out for Musclepotamia after all!

Handsomus struts around the cage playing Starstruck to gain RAWKRA and heal his leg while Daniels eyes are hidden in shadow. The fires of hell start to get restless and flames randomly shoot up around the cage. Daniels grabs the impossibly hard steel with both hands and shakes with rage! Veins pump over his head and arms as what look like cracks of blackness ride up Jack’s shoulder and across his face! Handsomus turns back to Daniels to see this and is stunned by the presense of RED and Purple ROCKATRICITY sparking off of Daniel’s body! With a mighty Heave Daniels RIPS THE ENTIRE WALL OF THE CAGE OFF!!!

JR: BAH GAWD IT’S NOT POSSIBLE!!!!

Handsomus is stunned at this godlike feat of strength that even he would be hesitant to test in himself! Daniels turns to Handsomus and his face is covered in black veins that run through one of his eyes making the pupil white and the rest black! It looks totally kickass! Daniels Rips the wall in half and slams the two sides together! Rockatricity and the black tentacles of his demon arm somehow mold the steel into a fucking enormous sword which is also a battle axe! Daniels swings the goliath weapon at Handsomus who jumps over it and grabs onto the ceiling! The Bottom half of the CELL falls off into the fires of hatred and sorrow below! Jack has stayed suspended by having tentacles grab the cage! Handsomus jumps onto Starstruck and levitates as well! The arm tentacles entangle the giant Swaxe and meld it into Daniel’s arm! Handsomus looks on as a giant arm with a retarded amount of blades made of black armor that is dripping with black tar shit that is concentrated evil or something forms! Handsomus then flies away and wins easily.

JR: What a match!

J.R.: What a match that was, Warrior.

WW: What a match, indeed, J.R.

J.R.: But it's time for us to finally find out who the true American Non-American champion is. At Anal Hemorrhage, the Ant King lost half of his title when the belt transformed into a radioactive monster and escaped the arena and he and Hard'Rok had to kill the monster and devour the remains. Since Hard'Rok ate half of the monster's corpse, he became co-champion.

WW: That is extremely disturbing, J.R.

J.R.: I agree. But as we say, anything can happen in the FTUDUBYA!

WW: How true that is. Fortunately, this match gives the Ant King an opportunity to fix the mistake that was made at Anal Hemorrhage and then go on to unite the titles against that queer chink Guan Fei next. Guan Fei, you're going down!




ON A MAN!

J.R.: Oh snap!

J.R. and Warrior pound fists.

J.R.: Now to the ring where Todd Lightning will announce the wrestlers.

"Coming to the ring first, to defend his half of the American title, based in George, Washington, N.E.D., the Master of Chairimonies, HAAAAAAAAAAARD --!!"

"WAIT A GOT HAM MINUTE!!!"

J.R.: That sounds like the Ant King!

THE ANT KING RIDES INTO THE RING ON TOP OF THE NINJA TURTLE VAN, FIRING HIS AK-47 INTO THE AIR! THE VAN CRASHES INTO THE RING AND THE ANT KING LEAPS OFF THE ROOF WHILE PICCOLO FLIES THROUGH THE WINDSHIELD AND LANDS NEXT TO HIS BOSS. IN THE RING, ANT KING SNATCHES THE MIC FROM TODD LIGHTNING AND PICCOLO PULLS THE GLASS OUT OF HIS FACE.

"SOFT'KOK, I'm gonna give you a chance to quit and give me you're half of the title SO I DON'T HAVE TO EMBARRASS YOUR FAGGOT HOMO ASS!!!"

"Plus, Boss, you'll save your strength for Guan Fei while he still had to fight Robert McCoy," Piccolo chimes in.

"GODDAMN IT, PICCOLO, you weren't supposed to say that part!!!!!!!!!!" The Ant King kicks Piccolo in his ass and he flips over the ropes and onto the concrete.

WW: Haha, that Piccolo always cracks me up!

J.R.: It's too bad Piccolo screwed the Ant King there because Hard'Rok might still hold a grudge over his defeat at Clusterfuck Chaos' Last House on the Left match.

WW: Not to mention it would give his girlfriend more time to cut herself.

JUST FUCKING AT THAT EXACT GODDAMNED SECOND, A VAN MADE ENTIRELY OF CHAIRS SMASHES INTO THE NINJA TURTLE VAN AND HARD'ROK FLIES OUT, CHAIRS IN HANDS, WHILE RAVEN SITS IN THE VAN BEHIND THE STEERING WHEEL MADE OUT OF A STEEL CHAIR.

Hard'Rok points his chair at the Ant King, "I'm going to pull my half of the belt out of your ass!" The crowd goes crazy because it sounds so badass!

"YOU FUCKIN HOMO!" the Ant King shouts and charges Hard'Rok, who counters with a level 1 chair shot, knocking the Ant King flat!

WW: What the hell? Hard'Rok should be disqualified!

J.R.: Well, technically, the match hasn't begun since the bell didn't ring. Not to mention the fact that it isn't uncommon for FTUW wrestlers to bring actual weapons into the squared circle.

WW: That's bullshit and you know it, J.R.!

As soon as the bell is rung, Hard'Rok throws his chairs into the air and they transform into bats and fly away. Then he runs into the ropes and does a diving headbutt into the prone Ant King's head.

"No, Roky! Use the chairs," Raven shouts, coaching his student.

"Don't worry, I still have a few tricks up my sleeves," Hard'Rok explains.

"MORE LIKE A FEW DICKS IN YOUR MOUTH!!!" THE ANT KING SAYS AND SWINGS HIS EXOSKELETAL DICK INTO HARD'ROK'S FACE, KNOCKING HIM INTO THE TURNBUCKLE! HARD'ROK TRIES TO GET UP, BUT PICCOLO GRABS HIS ANKLES AND THE ANT KING SPEARS HARD'ROK WITH HIS COCK!

Hard'Rok falls to the mat, the wind knocked out of him. Raven gets revenge on Piccolo, however, by giving him a level 2 chair shot, launching him into the audience, his VELOCITY causing the guy he hits to explode into bloody chunks of flesh.

J.R.: You don't call what Piccolo just did cheating?

WW: Hell no! If the ref doesn't see it, it's brilliant strategy! Besides, Piccolo is PROBABLY dead now, anyway.

Ant King grabs Hard'Rok by his horns and lifts him off the canvas, then starts headbutting the shit out of him. Hard'Rok's forehead starts bleeding and he grunts, "Level 1 Chair Transformation," then raises his arms above him. The Ant King doesn't even pay attention and continues to headbutt.

"BAT TO CHAIR!"

THE TWO BATS TRANSFORM BACK INTO CHAIRS AND FALL FROM THE SKY, HARD'ROK CATCHES THEM AND THEN SMASHES THE ANT KING'S HEAD BETWEEN THEM. THE ANT KING SEEMS UNFAZED, BUT HARD'ROK SMASHES HIS HEAD AGAIN AND THE ANT KING FALLS.

J.R.: Bah Gawd, Hard'Rok's magic powers combined with Raven's chair training WALLOPED the Ant King!

WW: Fuck you, J.R. First of all, God hates magic and he hates queers. That's two strikes against Hard'Rok. Second of all, God loves atomic abominations, especially if they're American, so the Ant King will pull through and win.

The Ant King gets back up and sees Hard'Rok sitting on a steel chair with one leg resting on the other. Enraged, he pulls out his AK-47, yells, "EAT MY HOT LEAD JIZZUM, BEEEEEE OTCH!!" AND THEN OPENS FIRE!! HARD'ROK DEFLECTS THE BULLETS WITH A CHAIR AND THEN THROWS THE CHAIR AT THE ANT KING. ANT KING CATCHES THE CHAIR AND THEN HARD'ROK HITS THE CHAIR WITH ANOTHER CHAIR, KNOCKING THE ANT KING OFF HIS FEET.

WW: Yeah, all your fancy trickery won't help you. I mean, it looks cool or whatever, but I'm sure it doesn't even hurt that much. I've been hit in the head by like a million chairs and I'm fine!

Hard'Rok climbs up the turnbuckle and holds yet another chair up, to the raucous approval of the audience, then leaps for a FLYING CHAIR SHOT. THE ANT KING ROLLS OUT OF THE WAY AND HARD'ROK FALLS FACE FIRST ON HIS OWN CHAIR. ANT KING TAKES THE OPPORTUNITY AND STARTS BEATING HARD'ROK WITH THE STEEL CHAIRS THAT HAD BEEN USED ON THE ANT KING BEFORE.

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA MOTHER BITCH!!!!!!!!!"

Hard'Rok can't escape from the Ant King, the repeated blows keeping him in place. Somehow, even with his acquired immunity to chairs, the Ant King is hurting him! "I've never been hit with chair shots this powerful before," Hard'Rok thinks, "not even from Raven! There's only one thing to do."

The Ant King keeps beating Hard'Rok and shouts, "TASTE GOOD, BEEEE OTCH????"

"CHAIR REPLACEMENT JUTSU," Hard'Rok yells and the next strike on him hits only a pile of chairs! Confused, the Ant King looks around and then hears a scream from above! A FUCKING CHAIR HITS HIM IN THE SKULL!! HARD'ROK GRABS THE ANT KING AND PUTS HIS HEAD UNDER HIS ARM AND SPINS THE ANT KING SO GODDAMNED FUCKING FAST THAT THEY LIFT OFF THE GROUND LIKE A HELICOPTER. "LEVEL 2 CDT!!" AND THEN THEY FALL FROM NEARLY THE TOP OF THE THUNDERDOME, ANT KING FALLING HEADFIRST ON TOP OF THE ENTIRE PILE OF CHAIRS!

WW: Enough with the fucking chairs. FIGHT LIKE A FUCKING MAN.

J.R.: I just got this note from the office of the owner, Baron Hoity von Toity. It says that objects do not count as illegal foreign objects as long as they were made in America. I don't even know what to make of this.

WW: I thought the Baron was a good guy! What the hell?

The fall was hard enough that the Ant King's exoskeleton cracked! The Ninja Turtles watch on in horror as their boss is nearly beaten to death. It seems like the Ant King is unconscious, but Hard'Rok doesn't let up with chair shot after chair shot!

"What do we do, Leonardo?" Michelangelo asks.

"We have wait a little longer, Mikey," Leonardo answers, "We have to wait for the perfect moment."

"FUCK THAT!!!!!!!" RAPHAEL YELLS AND JUMPS OUT OF THE TURTLE VAN.

Hard'Rok feels a sharp pain in his back BECAUSE RAPHAEL JUST STABBED HIM WITH HIS FUCKING SAIS!

"You fell into my trap," Hard'Rok says and then explodes into a puff of smoke. THE SAIS ARE GOING THROUGH A CHAIR NOT HARD'ROK'S BODY! RAPHAEL LOOKS BACK JUST IN TIME TO CATCH A FLYING KICK TO THE FACE, KNOCKING HIM THROUGH THE WALLS OF THE THUNDERDOME. AS RAPHAEL SAILS THROUGH THE AIR OVER THE OCEAN HE SCREAMS, "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKK YYYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" AND THEN DISAPPEARS INTO THE HORIZON.

J.R.: Bah Gawd, it looks like no matter what the Ant King does, Hard'Rok stomps a goddamn Oklahoma mudhole in him!

WW: He's just lulling SOFT'KOK into a false sense of security, you'll see.

The Ant King crawls up to his knees, blood dripping down his mouth. "Fuck," he whispers and then he's kicked in the side, he rolls right through the ropes and onto the floor. "I have to unify the titles and show that prick GUAN GAY that I'm better than him," the Ant King thinks. HE LEAPS UP IN A RAGE, JUMPING OVER ROPES AND CLOTHESLINES HARD'ROK DOWN TO THE MAT. THE ANT KING JUMPS UP AND POUNDS HIS FEET ON THE CANVAS, HIS KI AURA EXPLODING TO A GIANT DIAMETER, BLOWING ALL OF THE STRAY CHAIRS AROUND THE ARENA, KILLING DOZENS OF FANS. HARD'ROK LOOKS UP AT THE GLOWING ANT KING AND FOR THE FIRST TIME IN HIS LIFE, HE FEELS FEAR. THE ANT KING WAS ALMOST DEAD, BUT SOMEHOW HE GAINED SO MUCH POWER. HOW? HOW?

"I'LL UNIFY THE TITLES, SOFT'KOK, AND I'LL BE THE BEST EVER!"

J.R.: Bah Gawd!

WW: You're damn right "Bah Gawd."

THE ANT KING PUTS HARD'ROK INTO A HEADLOCK AND STARTS SQUEEZING AND HARD'ROK CAN FEEL HIS SKULL CRACKING, HIS BRAIN DESPERATELY TRYING TO ESCAPE THE INTENSE PRESSURE. BLOOD RUNS OUT OF HIS EYE SOCKETS AND HIS TEETH GRIND TOGETHER. NO MATTER HOW HARD HE STRUGGLES, HE CAN'T GET OUT OF THE HOLD. IF HE DOESN'T SUBMIT, HE'LL DIE. THE ANT KING GETS A LOOK OF PURE INSANITY ON HIS FACE AND SQUEEZES EVEN HARDER. "I'M GOING TO PISS IN YOU'RE MOM'S VAGINA!!!!!!!!!!!"

"NOW, DONATELLO!" THE FUCKING NINJA TURTLES LEAP OUT OF THE VAN, EACH HOLDING CANISTERS OF THE SECRET OOZE. "ANT KING, EAT OUR OOZE FOR POWER!"

"NO!" THE ANT KING SHOUTS BUT IT'S TOO LATE, THE NINJA TURTLES SHOWER THEM IN THE SECRET OOZE, NOT JUST ANT KING, BUT HARD'ROK TOO! "I CAN'T LET HARD'ROK GET POWER FROM THE OOZE," ANT KING YELLS, AND TRIES TO DECAPITATE HARD'ROK WITH HIS ARM AND FEELS A SQUISH UNDER

WW: Those idiots ruined it!

J.R.: What's going on? Is the Ant King transforming?

The Ant King looks under his arm and sees something bizarre! His muscles are even bigger and more powerful, but his flesh IS CONNECTING TO HARD'ROK. HARD'ROK TRIES TO BREAK FREE, BUT AS HE STRUGGLES, THE TWO BECOME MORE AND MORE CONNECTED. The Ninja Turtles freak out and jump into their van and drive away. BEFORE LONG, THE TWO WRESTLERS HAVE GROWN INTO A GIANT GREY BLOB THAT CONTINUES TO EXPAND. WITHIN MINUTES, THE BLOB HAS GROWN TO REACH THE FRONT ROWS OF THE THUNDERDOME, CONSUMING EVERYONE IT TOUCHES.

Raven watches all of this happens and he realizes what happened. "I have to help Roky. He can't handle it alone this time." RAVEN JUMPS OUT OF THE VAN COMPOSED ENTIRELY OF CHAIRS AND THEN DIVES INTO THE GIANT GREY BLOB.

J.R.: Well, Warrior, this isn't looking good. With each passing moment, the blob grows and eats more people. I think it's time you and me head to the FTUW Helicopter.

WW: You're probably right.

JIM ROSS AND WARRIOR WARRIOR CLIMB INTO THE FTUW HELICOPTER AND TAKE THE FUCK OFF!

In the center of the giant blob, the Ant King and Hard'Rok float in some kind of slime, the lights shining through the skin of the blood making everything an orange hue. They can both feel their bodies dissolving. Hard'Rok looks at his palms as they fall to pieces.

"We have team up to defeat this, Ant King," Hard'Rok yells, surprised that he can speak through the liquid.

"It's too late," the Ant King says, "We're going to die in here."

"DON'T SAY THAT, BOSS!"

The Ant King looks at the source of the voice. IT'S PICCOLO. HE'S STILL ALIVE.

"BOSS, YOU HAVE TO SURVIVE, SO YOU CAN KILL GUAN FEI," Piccolo says.

"You're right, Piccolo," the Ant King says. He swims to Piccolo and throws him outside of the blob. By then, the blob had consumed the entire THUNDERDOME. Piccolo lands in the water and swims to New York.

J.R.: We're back, broadcasting from the FTUW Helicopter, bringing you the American title bout between Hard'Rok and the Ant King. I never thought I'd have to say this again, but it appears that THE AMERICAN TITLE BELT HAS ONCE AGAIN COME TO LIFE, BIGGER THAN EVER.

WW: God, I'm sorry for being a part of the Apocalypse. I'm so, so sorry.

THE AMERICAN TITLE MONSTER CRAWLS INTO THE OCEAN AND SWIMS TO NEW YORK CITY, COVERING HUGE STRETCHES WITH EACH STROKE OF IT'S HIDEOUS LEGS. SOON, IT CRASHES THROUGH THE WATERFRONT, SMASHING OIL TANKERS, WHICH ALL BURST INTO FLAMES, SETTING THE BEAST AFLAME. ALL OF THE WAREHOUSES ARE SET ON FIRE WHEN THE MONSTER TOUCHES THEM. EVERY MAN THE MONSTER TOUCHES IS ABSORBED INTO ITS BODY AND IT GROWS EVEN LARGER.

"Ok, Hard'cok, what do we do now?" the Ant King asks.

All Hard'Rok can do is shrug. "I don't know, but we better do it soon."

"ROKY, LISTEN, WE GOT TO FIND ITS HEART," IT'S RAVEN!

"Raven, you can't stay in here, you'll die!" Hard'Rok tells his master.

"Don't worry about me, I didn't have much longer anyway," Raven says and smiles at his pupil. "That's not important now. The American Title Monster is back! We're inside of it now!"

"FUUUUUUUUCK!" the Ant King yells.

"We have to maintain our composure here, every second we waste, we're closer to death," Raven reminds the Ant King. "If we find the heart and destroy it, the monster will die."

Hard'Rok sees his master dying and tries to wipe a tear from his eye, but he sees his fingers are gone. "WE HAVE TO HURRY UP, GUYS," he says.

"I can here the heartbeat," the Ant King says, "THIS WAY!!!!!!!"

J.R.: Unfortunately, it seems my partner, Warrior Warrior, was right. This is the Apocalypse, everyone. The monster is cutting a swath of destruction through New York City and it won't be long before the entire city is in ruins. I recommend that you find your closest friends and family members and pray. Say your goodbyes. The planet only has days left.

WW: NO, I WON'T ACCEPT IT. THE ANT KING WILL SAVE US, J.R. BELIEVE IT!

J.R.: We have to be realistic, Warrior. Ant King is dead.

WW: NOOOOOOOOOOO!

HANDSOMUS R. AWESOME FLIES OVER NEW YORK CITY USING STARSTRUCK AS A SURFBOARD. He sees the American Title Monster crawling through the city, devouring everyone it touches and smashing skyscrapers. He lands in front of it and hits a leg out from under it with Starstruck. The leg collapses, but an arm comes down crushing Handsomus into the pavement.

BUT THEN THE ARM SHOOTS BACK UP, HANDSOMUS BLOCKED THE ATTACK WITH HIS GUITAR.

"I'm going to protect this city, monster. PREPARE TO ROCK!"

RAWKRA SHOOTS OUT AT THE MONSTER FROM STARSTRUCK AS HANDSOMUS ROCKS OUT A FUCKING KILLER RIFF. THE MONSTER IS STOPPED IN ITS TRACKS, BUT DOESN'T SEEM HURT BY THE ATTACK!

INSIDE THE MONSTER, the torsos of the Ant King, Hard'Rok and Raven finally reach its heart. The acidic bile that makes up this demonic womb has eaten away at them and they're nearly dead. Only with much effort and determination have they managed to get this far, the skeletons of those far weaker floated by them as they swam. But it was almost over.

"I CAN'T DIE LIKE THIS," the Ant King yells and headbutts the heart. It doesn't even slow down the heart beat. Hard'Rok and Raven join in, and they all ram the giant heart, but nothing happens. Finally, Hard'Rok stops.

"Ant King, wait," Hard'Rok says, "This isn't going to work. USE YOUR ANT BITE!"

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA," THE ANT KING SWIMS RIGHT AT THE HEART AND BITES IT, SENDING HIS PARALYZING VENOM INTO THE MUSCLE. HE REPEATS THIS, BITE EACH OF THE MUSCLES THAT COMPOSE THE HEART, UNTIL THE HEART IS COMPLETELY PARALYZED AND STOPS.

MEANWHILE, HANDSOMUS IS SMASHING THE MONSTER'S FACE WITH STARSTRUCK, WHEN THE MONSTER LETS OUT A GROWL AND COLLAPSES. SEEING HIS OPPORTUNITY, HANDSOMUS PLAYS HIS MOST POWERFUL GUITAR SOLO. HE ROCKS OUT SO HARD THAT HIS FINGERS BURST INTO FLAMES AND A WAVE OF RAWKRA DESTROYS EVERY BUILDING WITHIN FIVE MILES OF HIM. THE FUCKING AMERICAN TITLE MONSTER EXPLODES, SENDING HEAPS OF GREY SLIME ALL OVER THE CITY, COATING THE DEBRIS AND THE SURVIVORS IN THE THICK GOO.

Those lucky enough to survive Handomus' guitar solo crawl out from under the rubble and start a slow clap, crescendoing to a deafening cacophony of cheers and applause as everyone believes Handsomus just saved them all from certain doom.

J.R.: BAH GAWD, HANDSOMUS JUST SAVED THE ENTIRE PLANET FROM THE APOCALYPSE! HE STOPPED THE END OF THE WORLD!! EVERYONE OWES HANDSOMUS R. AWESOME THEIR LIFE!

The real heroes, however, are nowhere to be found. Piccolo searches the remains of the monster for his boss. Finally, he gives up.

"Boss ... You saved me. I didn't know you ... I didn't know you cared about me that much," Piccolo sobs. And then a hand touches his shoulder.

"Piccolo, if it wasn't for you, I would have given up," the person behind Piccolo says. "Thank you."

Piccolo is confused. That isn't the Ant King's voice. He looks behind him and sees RODNEY LEE JONES, THE HUMAN HALF OF THE ANT KING.

"WHAT HAPPENED, BOSS! I DON'T UNDERSTAND!"

"I don't know, either, Piccolo," Rodney says, "I thought I was dying inside of the American Title Monster, by body had dissolved to just my head, but when I woke up, I was reborn as Rodney Lee Jones. I guess the death of the radioactive monster interacted with the radioactive ant that was inside me and they canceled out and were destroyed."

"oic," Piccolo says, "But what about Hard'Rok?"

"It looks like he died," Rodney says solemnly. "I tried to find him so I could thank him, but I think I'm the only one who survived the explosion."

JUST FUCKING AT THAT INSTANT RODNEY HEARS A DEEP, DEMONIC VOICE SHOUT OUT, "ANT KING!" RODNEY TURNS JUST IN TIME TO SEE A GIANT BLUE MAN LAND RIGHT BEHIND HIM AND PUNCH HIM IN THE GUT, SENDING HIM FLYING THROUGH THE AIR.

J.R.: Apparently the Ant King turned human and a giant blue man is attacking him. I think this is an appropriate moment to say BAH GAWD!

TSH'ROK WALKS UP TO RODNEY, WHO IS LYING IN THE REMAINS OF A BUILDING, BLEEDING. BOLTS OF ROCKATRICITY CRACKLE FROM HIS FISTS AS HE PUNCHES THE GROUND, SENDING A SHOCKWAVE THAT LAUNCHES RODNEY BACK INTO THE AIR. TSH'ROK JUMPS UP AND GRABS RODNEY AND THROWS HIM DOWN FACE FIRST INTO THE CEMENT. RODNEY ROLLS ALONG THE GROUND, LIMP. ALL OF HIS BONES ARE BROKEN AND HE COULDN'T MOVE IF HE WANTED TO.

"P-Piccolo ..." Rodney barely manages to say. Even breathing is difficult. "T-Take me to ... Central Park."

PICCOLO PICKS UP HIS BOSS AND STARTS RUNNING, BUT BEFORE HE CAN GET FAR, TSH'ROK STANDS RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM.

"STOP THERE, PITIFUL CREATURE," Tsh'Rok bellows, "OR I WILL KILL YOU BOTH." THE MASSIVE SPACE VALHALLIAN DOESN'T EVEN WAIT FOR A RESPONSE BEFORE HE PUNCHES PICCOLO IN THE FACE AND HE GOES SAILING INTO A WALL. TSH'ROK GRABS RODNEY BY THE COLLAR AND HOLD HIM UP TO HIS FACE. "YOU DARE TO FACE ME IN BATTLE? YOU KNOW NOTHING OF REAL BATTLE, HUMAN."

"H-Hard'Rok ..." Rodney says.

"HARD'ROK WAS A FOOL. I AM TSH'ROK, THE GREATEST WARRIOR OF ALL SPACE VALHALLA."

"Not the greatest, asshole!"

HANDSOMUS SMASHES TSH'ROK IN THE FACE WITH STARSTRUCK AND CATCHES RODNEY BEFORE HE FALLS.

"I'm the greatest Space Valhallian warrior."

"You ... have to take me ... to ... Central Park ..." Rodney tells Handsomus, who smiles at the broken man. Handsomus throws Starstruck and then jumps on it, and he and Rodney ride to Central Park.

ALL THIS TIME, TSH'ROK HAD BEEN ROLLING THROUGH THE RUBBLE OF NEW YORK, AND FINALLY HE DIGS HIS FINGERS IN THE GROUND AND STOPS HIMSELF. "MANLINIUS ... I CAN FEEL YOUR ROCKATRICITY. YOU WILL DIE AT MY HANDS, AS WELL."

J.R.: It seems Handsomus R. Awesome just saved the Ant King from death at the hands of a mutated Hard'Rok.

WW: I don't believe it. Even queers realize the how heroic the Ant King is! Maybe I was wrong about Handsomus.

As Handsomus and Rodney speed off toward Central Park, Handsomus can hear crashing sounds behind him. He looks back for a moment and sees Tsh'Rok bounding over city blocks, hot on their trail. "I ... I remember Tsh'Rok. But why?" Letting the thought go, he looks ahead and sees trees. Central Park. "We're almost there, Rodney. Hang on!"

Starstruck lands in the middle of Central Park and Handsomus lays the battered Rodney on the ground. Handsomus isn't sure why they came here and asks, "What now?"

"I ... I can feel it," Rodney explains.

AND TSH'ROK LANDS, AXE-HANDLING HANDSOMUS INTO THE GROUND. HANDSOMUS IS BURIED UP TO HIS NECK AND IS OUT COLD. TSH'ROK SPITS ON THE EXPOSED HEAD OF HANDSOMUS AND THEN PICKS UP STARSTRUCK.

"MANLINIUS' GOD-TAR. IT'S MINE NOW, THE SPOILS OF WAR."

TSH'ROK POINTS THE GOD-TAR AT RODNEY, BUT JUST AS HE'S ABOUT TO PLUCK THE STRINGS AND SEND RODNEY TO THE NEXT FUCKING DIMENSION, HE HEARS A RUMBLING. HE LOOKS ALL AROUND AND IT LOOKS AS IF THE GROUND HAS TURNED BLACK.

"The ... the ants ..." Rodney explains.

J.R.: BAH GAWD! BAH GAWD! WHERE DID ALL THOSE ANTS COME FROM?

WW: THIS IS FUCKING INSANE!

THE ANTS SURROUND RODNEY AND CRAWL ALL OVER HIS BODY AND START DEVOURING IT. WITHIN MINUTES ALL THAT IS LEFT IS A SKELETON.

J.R.: THE ANT KING IS DEAD! THE ANT KING IS DEAD! HIS ANTS DIDN'T HELP THEM, THEY ATE HIM!

WW: Oh my God ... No! No! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

TSH'ROK LAUGHS, "THAT WAS YOUR BIG PLAN? YOU SACRIFICED THE LIFE OF MANLINIUS FOR THIS? YOU'RE AN EVEN BIGGER FOOL THAN I EVER THOUGHT."

"No, Roky, you're the fool."

Raven steps out of his chair van. He shakes his head at Tsh'Rok and says, "Roky, this isn't who you are anymore. I thought that Gigi and I had changed you, but if this is how it is, I'll have to use the most ultimate and secret chair technique that I was afraid to teach you. It's even more secret and ultimate than the technique I told you not to use at Clusterfuck Chaos."

"I FEAR NO MAN, HUMAN. SHOW ME YOUR PITIFUL TECHNIQUE." Tsh'Rok stands victorious, his arms at his sides.

Raven sighs and rolls his shoulders. He pulls on his leather jacket and then pops his neck. "You asked for it," he says and then a golden aura made up of tiny chairs surrounds him. He starts making Tai Chi movements and the tiny golden chairs swirl around his palms.

"SECRET CHAIR JUTSU: GOLDEN CHAIR OF THE SOUL!"

THE TINY GOLDEN CHAIRS GROW TO FULL SIZE AND SPIN THROUGH THE AIR AND FLY STRAIGHT AT TSH'ROK. TRY AS HE MIGHT, NO MATTER WHERE TSH'ROK GOES, THE GOLDEN CHAIRS FOLLOW HIM, HOMING IN ON HIS VERY SOUL. TSH'ROK'S EYES OPEN WIDE AND STARE STRAIGHT AT RAVEN, AND A TEAR ROLLS DOWN RAVEN'S CHEEK. THE GOLDEN CHAIRS CRASH INTO TSH'ROK AND HIS BODY STARTS TO GLOW. TSH'ROK HITS THE GROUND, STILL GLOWING GOLD, AND HIS EYES ROLL BACK INTO HIS HEAD.

J.R.: Raven just took down his own student! He knew Hard'Rok had crossed the line and had to be taken down once and for all!

WW: That doesn't matter, J.R. The Ant King is dead.

Finally the golden aura wears off and Tsh'Rok stands up. He grabs his head, but the pain has all disappeared. He looks at Raven, who slowly walks up to him.

"I don't know what happened to me, Raven," Tsh'Rok says.

"Are you still Tsh'Rok?"

"No ... I lost control. Something in that belt changed me," Hard'Rok explains.

"If you chase after a championship for the wrong reason, Roky, it will corrupt your soul. That's why I had to use the Golden Chair of the Soul," Raven explains, "If there wasn't even a small bit of good left in you, it would have killed you. I'm just glad to have you back."

J.R.: How touching!

"Well, it looks like I'm the Non-American champion now," Hard'Rok says, looking at the remains of Rodney.

"NOT QUITE, BEEEEEE OTCH!" RODNEY'S FUCKING SKELETON TALKS!!!!!!

THE SWARM OF ANTS REFORM AROUND THE SKELETON AND ANIMATE IT. AS THE SKELETON STANDS UP, IT FORMS INTO THE FAMILIAR SHAPE OF THE ANT KING AND THE EXOSKELETON HARDENS. HARD'ROK, EXCITED THAT HIS FRIEND IS STILL ALIVE, RUNS UP TO SHAKE HIS HAND, BUT ANT KING CLOTHESLINES HIM.

"WE MIGHT BE FRIENDS NOW, BUT I'M STILL TAKING THE AMERICAN CHAMPIONSHIP," the Ant King says.

"Ok, one last battle," Hard'Rok says, getting back to his feet.

J.R.: Amazing! Both fighters are still alive and they're about to settle the question of who will be the American champion!

WW: (Warrior cries tears of joy, then realizes crying is for pussies and lets out a masculine grunt.)

THE ANT KING AND HARD'ROK CHARGE EACH OTHER AND PUNCH AT LIGHTNING FAST SPEED. THEIR MOVEMENTS REACH SUCH SPEED THAT BRANCHES RIP OFF OF THE TREES AND ONE MISSED PUNCH SHATTERS A TREE TO SPLINTERS. HARD'ROK KICKS A LEG OUT FROM UNDER THE ANT KING, BUT THE ANT KING PUSHES WITH HIS HANDS OFF OF THE GROUND AND FLIPS OVER HARD'ROK'S HEAD AND GRABS HIM FROM BEHIND. HE OPENS HIS MOUTH FOR THE ANT BITE AND RIPS INTO HARD'ROK'S NECK.

J.R.: This could be it for Hard'Rok!

WW: YES! DO IT!

PARALYZED, HARD'ROK FALLS TO HIS KNEES AND THEN THE ANT KING PUSHES HIM ON HIS BACK. HE PINS HARD'ROK AND A REFEREE SKYDIVES INTO CENTRAL PARK.

ONE

TWO



THREE!

THE ANT KING REGAINS HIS LOST HALF OF THE AMERICAN CHAMPIONSHIP!

J.R.: It's over! Ant King wins! Ant King wins! Ant King wins!

WW: FUCK YES!

When the feed resumes, the FTUW Helicopter has landed in Central Park and Jim Ross and Warrior Warrior stand in front of it, as a huge crowd of New Yorkers have surrounded the park.

J.R.: I think I have to say it again, Warrior, BAH GAWD!

WW: I know what you mean, J.R. That fight had it all. Literally everything. I don't even have to expound on what kind of things happened because the word "everything" sums it up.

J.R.: Well, not quite everything, Warrior! The Ant King still has to fight Guan Fei!

WW: That's right. I would have given Guan Fei an advantage since, you know, the Ant King fought someone who wasn't a quadriplegic because he's not a PUSSY. But now that the Ant King grew an entirely new body at the end of that last match, it's anyone's game.

J.R.: It certainly is exciting. Let me say it one more time, BAH GAWD! We have a crew of men building a new ring right here in Central Park since the Thunderdome was destroyed by a giant monster. Soon, Guan Fei will be arriving via stretch Hummer, since that is what heels and gangster rappers are driven around in. But while we're waiting, let's interview the American champion, THE ANT KING. Ant King?

AK: FUCK YOU, GAY ARR!!

WW: AW SNAP! You just got served!

J.R.: Yes, I was just "served," Warrior. So, uh. Oh, look, the Baron's platinum and diamond encrusted helicopter is landing. Let's see if we can get a word with Baron von Toity. Toity, what did you think about the last match?

THE BARON: It was great. Not only was everyone in the Thunderdome killed, but so were thousands of people outside of it. It's what the fans have come to expect and I think we even exceeded their expectations.

J.R.: You can say that again. We almost had the End of Days on our hands.

THE BARON: I did not care for that movie. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to be ring side for this match.

J.R.: Of course, Baron. It looks like the ring is finished and Guan Fei has just arrived. And it looks like he came alone, no one from Musclepotamia has exited the stretch Hummer with him.

WW: Finally, a fair fight for the Ant King.

The Ant King waits for K'UNT-SMAK in the ring. Guan Fei strolls through the crowd, smiling and waving politely as he's booed by the RETARDED masses. As he climbs through the ropes, the Ant King runs up and drop kicks him out.

"I'M GOING TO UNIFY THE BELTS, KUNT LIPS!!!!!!"

"Not while I have anything to say about it," Guan Fei says, then gives the OKAY SIGN.

A CLOUD OF SAND FLIES OUT FROM UNDER THE RING AND STARTS SMOTHERING THE ANT KING. EVERY TIME HE TRIES TO MOVE OUT OF IT, A FIST HITS HIM BACK INTO IT.

J.R.: GODDAMN IT, THAT GUAN FEI!! He and his Musclepotamia goons refuse to give the Ant King, or anyone else, a fair shot at the title!

WW: Fuckin' chinks.

The sand storm clears up and the sand becomes BIN DESTRUCTION. Wielding his twin box cutter swords, he swings at Ant King who blocks with his hard exoskeleton arms, but they still do some damage. Finally, the Ant King grabs the blades and snaps them off, then yells, "JET LI KUNG FU STRIKE!" ALL 1,478 BLOWS CONNECT AND BIN DESTRUCTION EXPLODES INTO A CLOUD OF SAND THAT HITS THE CANVAS, LIFELESS.

"ENOUGH OF YOUR BULLSHIT, GUANO GAY, LET'S FIGHT!"

"No t'while I gots nothin' ta do wit it," JACK DANIELS SAYS AS HIS DEMONIC ARM OF ABBADON REACHES OUT OF THE HUMMER DOOR AND GRABS THE ANT KING. THE MOUTHS COVERING IT TRY TO TAKE BITES OUT OF THE ANT KING AND GUAN FEI LAUGHS SMUGLY AT HIS OPPONENT'S FATE.

"You'll never win, King of Ants," Guan Fei says. "The Mighty Musclepotamia forbids it."

FUCK THAT! A GUITAR CHORD RIPS THROUGH JACK DANIEL'S ARM, SETTING THE ANT KING FREE. HANDSOMUS R. AWESOME LANDS IN FRONT OF THE HUMMER AND THEN ROCKS IT HUNDREDS OF FEET INTO THE AIR. JACK DANIELS SCREAMS OUT SOMETHING INDECIPHERABLY HILLBILLYISH.

GUAN FEI TRIES TO RUN AWAY NOW THAT HIS PARTNERS ARE GONE, BUT HARD'ROK LANDS RIGHT IN HIS PATH.

"You're not leaving until you fight the Ant King," Hard'Rok says, waving his finger.

"Why ... Why you insolent cur!" Guan Fei stutters.

J.R.: The Ant King has Guan Fei cornered. Now he has no choice but to fight.

WW: GO GET YOUR ASS KICKED, GUANO GAY!

Guan Fei comedically sidesteps one way, but Hard'Rok stays in front of him. Guan Fei ducks the other way, but he can't lose Hard'Rok!

"Damn you, Ant King! This isn't over," Guan Fei yells and the sound of a helicopter can be heard overhead.

The Ant King leaps out of the ring and Handsomus closes in on Guan Fei. Soon Guan Fei is surrounded.

"You wretches! I'll show all of you ... you peasants!" Guan Fei says, his single slanty eye darting back and forth.

"We're no peasants," Handsomus says like a king, "We're THE PRINCES OF THE UNIVERSE."

J.R.: THE PRINCES OF THE UNIVERSE!

WW: MUSCLEPOTAMIA IS GOING DOWN!

Guan Fei spears Killing the Dragon at the ground and uses it to leap dozens of feet into the air! The Princes follow, but a HELICOPTER PILOTED BY LUCIFER SWOOPS IN AND GUAN FEI CATCHES THE LADDER. THE HELICOPTER TAKES OFF FOR PARTS UNKNOWN!

J.R.: That Guan Fei is nothing but a low down coward!

WW: No wonder his skin color is yellow!

J.R.: Warrior, that is not cool.

The referee jumps out of the ring and calls the match a no contest. The Ant King kicks him in his johnson.

WW: No contest!? That's bullshit!

J.R.: Bullshit or not, it means Guan Fei keeps his title. That's it for Superman vs. Goku. This is J.R., with Warrior Warrior, signing off!

The screen fades to black.

FTUW Entertainment 2006. All Rights Reserved.
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