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FTUW'S ANAL HEMORRHAGE: GAY SEX IS A NIGHTMARE! (#15)

 
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Yogurtman
Odin
Joined: 03 Jan 2007
Posts: 2248
(Tue Feb 20, 2007 12:24 am)
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Post     FTUW'S ANAL HEMORRHAGE: GAY SEX IS A NIGHTMARE! (#15)

The screen is black. One can faintly hear the sound of a heartbeat growing louder and louder. The repeated beeping of an EKG machine joins the heartbeat, the rhythm increasing in speed with the heartbeat. FROM OUT OF NOWHERE, a guitar begins to squeal violently as the letters "F T U W" grow from a single white dot in the center of the screen. AS THE GUITAR'S SQUEAL REACHES ITS BREAKING POINT, THE LETTERS VIBRATE RETARDEDLY UNTIL THEY EXPLODE. The song is "Arcane Death Explosion" by Viscerape. The lead singer, Leitch, belts out a MONSTROUS GROAN in tune to footage of Ant King viciously raping Corey Nguyen.

#Graaaaaaaaaahh!!#

Handsomus R. Awesome and Theldorrin XIII trade titanic blows in the center of the ring. Sella Phayne slaps his chest, mouthing off while pointing his 9mm at the camera. A shot of the Jack Masterson getting impaled in the face with a SPEAR is followed by Puff Ryder FIRING OFF HIS EXTENDED BONG into Phayne's pick-up.

#COME-ON-COME-ON-COME-ON-COME-OOONNNRAAARGH!#

Baron Hoity von Toity DROPS AN ELBOW ONTO SAKETUMI'S SKULL. Masterson hurls a hatchet that flies into the mouth of the Minister of Beards, Guan Fei. Ooka Jooka flies HIGH ABOVE THE ARENA, his dick trailing behind him. Handsomus and Theldorrin clash CHARIOTS AT HIGH SPEEDS. Ant King SCREAMS and vomits up a SWARM OF HORNETS. Fancy Lala rolls around on the floor, shitting his pants, before the footage switches over to Kuroda plucking out Jonesie's eyeball with his toes.

#The RAAAAAPE! THE MURDAAAAAH! THE RAPE AND THE MURDDAAH MURDER RAAAPE!#

Krystol stands on the CELL IN THE HELL, Non-American Championship raised above his head. Saketumi and Jack Daniels HEADBUTT EACH OTHER OVER AND OVER, CAUSING THE GROUND AT THEIR FEET TO CRACK! Theldorrin XIV hovers above FUCK MOUNTAIN, wielding a massive MOLTEN BOULDER. Moloch Arschloch bites off Saito's fingers. Bin Destruction CRASHES DOWN FROM OUTER SPACE and collides into Puff Ryder's chest. Daniels hits both Theldorrin and Saketumi with bursts of flames.

#I CAN'T AH STOP THIS RAPING AND MURDAH-RING! YOU CAN'T STOP ALL THIS SUFFERING! GRAAAAARGH!!

Rakkyu Saketumi stands unconscious, dead, in his friends' arms, gripping the World Title belt tightly. A minigun BURSTS from ANT KING'S FUCKING ASS and STARTS FIRING ROUND AFTER ROUND as he feeds ammo down his goddamned throat. Charles Bronson emerges from a hardware store with chainsaws replacing his arms and legs.

#RAAAAAPE RAAAAAPE!!#

McHarris CLOTHESLINES THROUGH A FUCKING CAR. GUAN FEI AND THELDORRIN XIV FALL WHILE HUNDREDS OF FEET ABOVE GROUND, TRADING FISTS. HANDSOMUS R. AWESOME CRASHES A COMET INTO MADISON SQUARE GARDEN, BROUGHT BACK FROM THE DEAD. DANIELS, KENJIRO, HANDSOMUS, AND GUAN FEI ROCK THE FUCK OUT AND ERADICATE THELDORRIN OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH!

The music reaches it CRESCENDO as The Ant King and Guan Fei TRADE BLOWS WHILE BEING IMPALED WITH THEIR OPPONENT'S FLAGS. The FUCKING FTUW logo BURSTS THROUGH A BRICK WALL, blood spurting from the hole for some reason. The screen fades to black.

FTUW Entertainment 2006. All Rights Reserved.

In a rustic castle, at the top of a worn and dusty staircase stands a man. In the darkness is like a man with a unique presence, a special aura. He has eyes so cold it feels like he's invading your heart. Hair made out of strands of gold ... a skin a crystal white that seems almost transparent.

But most of all, a dubious sensuality - the kind you wouldn't expect from a man. A beam of light from a nearby window hits the man and his jewel-studded body begins sparkling.

This man is Romeo Krystol.

Then Super Queerbasher leaps on top of him and shoves his giant steel pipe up his fucking ass. As Krystol screams in agony as the new and improved Queerbasher drives his rod of divine justice of Krystol's well-traveled ass, Queerbasher yelps in joy, a bit of saliva rolling down his chin. Blood spews from Krystol's ass, letting out the sound not unlike an aerosol can spraying. Once Krystol's internal organs have been ruptured and Super Queerbasher has finally recieved his revenge, Krystol explodes in a flurry of shit, blood, and jewels.

The remnants of the massacre, of course, form the words "Anal Hemorrhage: Gay Sex is a Nightmare!" The footage then switches to the raving, maniacal, drunken, and possible rapist fans of the FTUW. The location is the FTUW's Thunderdome, the sea-faring arena of immense destruction, three times the size of the Staples Center. It is once again docked in New York City, Baron Hoity von Toity having put down a 50 million dollar insurance policy for the city.

Hoity von Toity stands in the V.V.I.P. box, set above the V.I.P. box and layered in gold, looking over at his newly-acquired company's fanbase. One fan is so excited he tears at his flesh until he yanks his face clear off. Wilson P. Hickenbottom, the handler of Hoity von Toity's day-to-day affairs walks through the door.

"The PPV buy-rates have exceeded 70% of the previous pay-per-views," Hickenbottom tells him, "Your acquisition of the FTUW federation already seems to be quite profitable."

The head of Hoity von Toity, in a jar set atop a statue of Adonis, gazes over the crowd. He smiles devilishly as his monacle gleams in the light.

"I don't care about that. I've gained something far more greater, far better ..."

J.R.: Hello folks, this is good ol' J.R. and with me is my broadcasting partner Warrior W. Warrior! I'd like to personally welcome you to Anal Hemorrhage: Gay Sex is a Nightmare!

W.W.: Never a truer statement, J.R.! And that little video you saw before the Pay-Per-View started is how we, at the FTUW, deal with such monstrosities.

J.R.: I see you have a new pair of legs.

W.W.: Courteous of that wonderful man, Dr. Daniel Mented. He's brought my boy back to life and given me the ability to walk and, better yet, curbstomp faggots.

J.R: Exciting news. Let's get to our first match, newcomer John Baines taking on veteran Bin Destruction. John Baines is a lawyer who has a bone to pick with the FTUW after Extreme Hardcore's awesomeness kill his mother! Now he's planning to kill every single wrestler in the FTUW until it goes under!

W.W.: Wait, isn't he a lawyer? Why doesn't he just sue?

J.R.: It's not money Baines wants, it's BLOOD! Now, on to the match!

WW: I don't understand it, Jim. This guy, he's fighting against American capitalism, here. Obviously people want the product and I can't help but feel insulted. Mr. McHarris would be spinning in his grave if there was body left after his unfortunate accident. Mr. McHarris, before he died, told me how deeply he was touched by the American Dream, that a man, by his own skill and wits, could become anything he wanted. This ASSHOLE is fighting that dream. McHarris built this federation with his bare hands and because one JERKOFF doesn't agree with his ideals, his goals, he wants to tear it all down? Whatever happened to live and let live? His fucking p/c liberal masters in the Jew-run media want us to all believe in tolerance until it comes to something THEY disagree with. The sheer hypocrisy makes my blood boil.

J.R.: Interesting point, Warrior.

WW: I'm just saying, is there anything FTUW has done that every other business in America doesn't do? I'm just saying.

J.R.: I'm not sure I'd say that, but let's move on.

WW: No problem here. I respect the right to free speech.

J.R.: Yes, well, John Baines will be facing off against Bin Destruction. John has mentioned Bin Destruction as one man in particular he's eager to dispose of. Strangely, though, Bin Destruction, one of the world's foremost terrorists, has made a peace offering with America. We'll find out how sincere he is.

WW: I can't disagree with John Baines on this topic. Bin Destruction is an absolute menace to America and American values, you can't trust a word he says because he's just suckering us in so he can blow up some historical landmark, like the hospital I was born in. Besides, the man is a loser, plain and simple. His record is enough proof of that.

J.R.: Don't be so hasty, Warrior, Bin Destruction defeated FTUW champion Guan Fei as Friday Night Fuckfest. He may just be hitting his stride.

WW: Bullshit. First of all, Friday Night Fuckfest is an absolute mockery. It's where weak, pathetic queers go to pump up their record by feasting on even weaker and more pathetic queers. Not to mention Michael Cole. It just shows the depths that fucking chink will go, trying to lull Goldman into a false sense of security. Bin Destruction is garbage and John Baines should have an easy victory if he's half the fighter he's made out to be.

J.R.: Fair enough, let's send it to the ring with Todd Lightning.

"Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to ANAL HEMORRHAGE: GAY SEX IS A NIGHTMARE!" The camera shows a redneck holdings his beer bottle in front of his dick and pouring the liquid out on the row in front of him like he's pissing. "Our opening match is set for one fall and has a 60 minute time limit. Coming to the ring first, from Boston, Massachusetts, JOHN ... BAINES ... MCGUINNESS!"

"Born in the U.S.A." by Bruce Springsteen plays over the PA system as John Baines walks down the ramp, straightening his tie. He looks around with mild disgust at the antics of the fans and when one tries to slap him five, he gives the kid the fucking bird. When he's in the ring, he pulls of his tie and throws it around the ring post.

"AND NOW, from Jihadistan, the Man of Sand from Terrorist Land, the All-Mighty, Non-Forgiving, Non-Merciful Mohammad Jaffer Bin ... Abdul ... DESTRUUUUUUUUCTION!"

Bin Destruction comes out to mixed reaction as he steps from behind the curtain dressed in similar attire to John Baines. The Arab still wears his turban and large beard, but he looks like a Western businessman!

J.R.: What the hell is going on here? Is Bin Destruction that dedicated to meeting Americans halfway?

WW: No way, this is a fucking trick!

"Hello, hello," Bin Destruction says, waving to the fans. "America, let's be friends!" Once he's in the ring, he extends his hand to John Baines for a handshake. John only spits at Mohammad's feet. Outraged, Bin Destruction grabs the mic from Todd Lightning.

"You Americans, you see how I worked so hard on my English and dressed like you do? I am trying to be your friend and this man spits at me!" Bin Destruction waves his arms like a madman. "I am disgusted to see your women dressed so indecently and I notice that your Statue of Liberty, she is still not wearing the veil. I can see her neck! It is too seductive. I still try very hard. Why do you not accept my religion and my culture? I show you how easy it is to change! I will not put up with this insolence! I will show this American swine what happens to those who refuse Islam!"

WW: I'm not listening to this bullshit. Who does this terrorist piece of shit think he is, telling Americans what to do?

Right as he drops the mic and turns around, he's met by John Baines' fist. He stumbles back a few steps and then wipes the blood from his nose on his sleeve. Angered, he pulls his boxcutter sword out of his pants and slices his own business suit to pieces until he is totally nude.

WW: Like we needed to see his dick dangling around like that. I mean, Jesus, have a little decency. But I guess that's asking too much from an Arab.

J.R.: In Jihadistan, male nudity is an accepted practice as long as you are not having intercourse.

WW: Don't try to teach me about other cultures, Jim. Fuck other cultures!

"This is what I am thinking of your business!" he yells and then hurls the sword at John. John tries to dodge, but the blade stabs him in the chest. He coughs up blood, but has the presence of mind to break the blade while keeping part in to prevent out of control bleeding.

J.R.: Bah gawd, I think that sword pierced John Baines' lung!

WW: The Warrior doesn't need to breathe, Jim. I can absorb nutrients from the air around me via osmosis.

J.R.: What?

WW: It's complicated, J.R. I don't have the time to go into it.

Bin Destruction charges John Baines while he recovers, but before he can make contact, John uses what's left of the sword to slash Bin Destruction's throat. Bin Destruction holds his neck and then clotheslines John with his free arm. McGuinness then wraps his feet around Bin Destruction's ankles and trips him, sending him to the canvas.

J.R.: While certainly brutal, we're not seeing the same kind of intense violence the fans expect.

WW: Listen, J.R., I've stopped trying to figure this shit out. There really isn't much rhyme or reason behind what happens here. This shit is insane. I mean, one of our guys came back to life after a cyborg turned him into a black hole. What's that about, by the way?

J.R.: No idea, Warrior.

Both fighters quickly get back to their feet and start grappling. John throws a knee to the gut and then puts Bin Destruction into a headlock. Bin Destruction struggles, his teeth coated in blood, and then stands, hurling John Baines over his head, over 10 feet into the air. Bin Destruction runs at the ropes, arms spread and rebounds in the air and 9/11'S JOHN BAINES INTO THE SEATS!!

J.R.: BAH GAWD! 9/11! This could be it for John Baines!

WW: I still say Bin Raghead's win over Guan Fei was a fluke.

Bin Destruction falls to the mat and watches the commotion, as the crowd rips pieces of John Baines' clothes off as souvenirs, even though it's unlikely any of them will survive long enough to remember the night. As if in response to that prophecy, stands up, launching the people in the dog pile into the air. The ones who didn't go flying are promptly punched in the face and clotheslined.

"YOU MOTHERFUCKING SHIT FUCKER!" John screams at the top of his lungs and then throws an unfortunate shithead at Bin Destruction. Bin Destruction catches him by the neck and then snaps it, tossing the body away in time to be FUCKING SHOULDER BLOCKED INTO THE TURNBUCKLE! John Baines steps up to the middle rope and the fans count the punches.

ONE

TWO

THREE

FOUR

FIVE

SIX

SEVEN --

Bin Destruction headbutts the end of the blade in John's lung, ending the beating prematurely and knocking his opponent to the canvas.

J.R.: Bin Destruction narrowly avoided a real Oklahoma ass-whoopin'.

WW: I thought John Baines was from Boston.

J.R.: ...

Bin Destruction stumbles to his feet, but John Baines recovers faster and runs up and kicks the Arab RIGHT IN THE JOHNSON. He bends over and holds his groin and John takes advantage, putting him in the powerbomb position. With unfathomable speed, Mohammad rises into the air and falls with a inhuman snap on his head.

J.R.: BAH GAWD! THE TOMBSTONE POWERBOMB!

WW: You already did a couple bah gawds, Jim. Do you get paid a bonus for saying that?

J.R.: Yes.

Instead of pinning, John stomps his foot down repeatedly, ripping the cut in Bin Destruction's neck further until it's deep enough that he can pull it off with his bare hands, standing on the Arab's chest for leverage. John Baines displays the decapitated head to cheers! He throws it down and marches out of the ring.

J.R.: Well, this young man's career is off to a good start.

WW: Yeah, but let's see him kill the Ant King.

Lightning: This match is scheduled for one fall!

Sella Phayne’s newest theme, sampled from The Final Countdown, blares from the speakers of his pimped out Ford 150. The truck bounces, not from hydraulics but from the heavy bass of the song causes the entire vehicle to shake. Macho Man is in the back, motionless as Sella drives down to the ring strung out and constantly looking over his shoulder.

JR: Looks like he’s too neurotic to rap over his entrance theme tonight. Well Warrior, Sella Phayne and Puff Ryder teamed up at EXTREME HARDCORE. Now they’re forced to fight each other in the battle to determine who is FTUW’s greatest drug enthusiast.

Warrior: Our first amendment allows us to say whatever the fuck we want, when we want to! That’s why I’ve constantly supported FTUW’s right to kill and maim for the purposes of entertainment. But the Puff Ryders and Sella Phaynes of the world would make our founding fathers vomit all over their negress housecleaners. The saving grace of this atrocity is that one of them has to lose!

Lightning: And his opponent, from Richmond Hills, California, weighing in at 10 ounces…

Suddenly, Todd Lightning gags and exhales a cloud of smoke. The smoke takes the form of Rasheed Young in full Puff Ryder form.

Puff Ryder: Todd, 10 o’s is how much weed we smoked together, not what I weigh.

Ryder and Lightning giggle incessantly and high five each other. Ryder uses his Omni-bong to pole vault himself into the ring and both men square off.

Sella Phayne pulls out his piece and starts firing at Puff Ryder, but he just turns to smoke and lets the bullets pass through him. Turning solid once more, Ryder begins nailing his opponent with punches to the skull. However, Sella Phayne is so whacked out on various forms of narcotics that Ryder’s already weightless punches have no effect.

Covered in welts and bruises that he can’t even feel, Sella Phayne snaps and starts going berserk on Puff Ryder. He begins biting, scratching, slapping and kicking in a ravenous frenzy! Ryder tightens his guard and blocks, the slight white rapper not having much power behind his hits either.

JR: This is going to be a test of endurance!

Warrior: Fucking drug-addled hippie slime bucket commie motherfucks…

Warrior’s suit jacket begins to expand with his bulging muscles and buttons begin firing off.

In the ring, Sella Phayne begins to slow down considerably. All the uppers he took 4 hours ago are wearing off and the downers he took 2 hours ago are becoming more dominant.

Phayne: Randy, I’m crashing! What should I do?!

Macho Man is currently in Sella Phayne’s corner, shivering and pacing back and forth.

Macho Man: I NEED MY FIIIIIIIIIX!!!

Puff Ryder dodges one of Sella Phayne’s half-hearted attacks and pulls something out of his pocket. It’s a lit joint! He flicks it at Macho Man’s face with such perfect timing that it lands between his lips just as he’s breathing in so that he inhales without even knowing it.

Warrior: Oh god, what is this?! I seriously about to explode!!

Macho Man calms down instantly and slides up against the ring post. He smiles and takes another toke from the joint.

Macho Man: Oh yeaaaaaaahehhehaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahehhehaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahehhehaaaaaaaaaaah…

Macho Man takes it easy and enjoys himself calmly as Sella Phayne chastises him and calls him a no good nigger. Puff Ryder nails a dropkick off the top rope and pins Sella Phayne.

ONE

TW…Sella Phayne pushes Puff Ryder off easily! He’s too light to hold him down! Puff Ryder lifts Sella Phayne up and throws him to the corner. He sticks Phayne’s arms through the ropes and prepares his finisher.

JR: He’s going for the Black Widow, Warrior! Warrior?

Not taking any more of this, Warrior runs down to the ring, humming his theme music as he charges! Using his Herculean strength, he lifts up and Gorilla Presses the entire ring! The ring breaks into pieces, ropes, canvas and other parts of it strewn about everywhere! Puff Ryder crawls out of the rubble, but is met with a GIANT WARRIOR SPLASH! Satiated, Warrior returns to the announcers’ table and puts his headset back on.

Warrior: Phew, that’s better.

JR: Bah gawd, Warrior! You’re crazier than a coon on garbage day!

Sella Phayne climbs out from the rubble and sees the wounded Puff Ryder. Seeing his opportunity, he prepares to Bull DAWWWWWWWWG his opponent onto one of the fallen ringposts.

Sella Phayne: MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM-YEEEEAH!

BULL DAWWWWWWWWWWWWWG! HE NAILS THE BULL DAWWWWWWWWWWWG!

Sella Phayne covers Ryder on the rubble that was once the ring and the ref recovers in time to count…

ONE

TWO






TH…NO! Macho Man just broke up the count! Macho Man just kicked Sella Phayne right off of Puff Ryder!

Macho Man: It’s over Sella! You’re nothin’ but a greasy no good punkass poseur wannabe honky son of a bitch! Your cheapass cocaine and your drugstore garbage took the MACHO out of MACHO MAN and made me into a faggot like you! This boy’s shown me the truth path! MARIJUANA SON!

Macho Man rolls another huge spliff and takes a huge toke off of it. He starts to fly! He flies all the way to the top of the arena and drops down, sending a GIGANTIC elbow down on Sella Phayne’s skull!

Sella Phayne is down! Puff Ryder is down! The ref starts the ten count!

Warrior: YES! They’re both going to lose! Macho Man, I’m sorry I refused to take any less than five elbow drops and then kicking out as if they were useless, ruining all of your credibility.

Before the ten count, both Sella Phayne and Puff Ryder make it to their feet. They weakly exchange punches. Puff Ryder begins to pick up steam and punches the shit out of Phayne! Sella Phayne is reeling! Puff Ryder takes out his Omni-bong! He uses it to nail Phayne in the gut, causing his mouth to gape open as he gasps for air! Puff Ryder extends the open end of the bong and send it straight down Sella Phayne’s throat and into his gut!

JR: Oh! This must be Puff Ryder’s new technique he was talking about earlier! The Weed Whacker!

The smoke and bong water forcibly enter Sella Phayne’s body. Even his drug-ridden bloodstream begins to slow down as the ginormous quantity of THC is pumped into him! His entire body goes from feeling light as a feather to as heavy as lead. Sella Phayne finally collapses to the ground, giggling weakly.

Puff Ryder retracts his Omni-bong and pins Phayne. Sella Phayne is too lethargic to so much as budge! The ref counts…

ONE

TWO








THREE! Puff Ryder wins! Puff Ryder has defeated Sella Phayne!

Macho Man hugs Puff Ryder, who reverts to Rasheed Young mode, and head to the back together, slapping hands with the crowd all of the way. Macho Man grabs two real skanky looking black chicks out of the crowd and gives one to his new friend. Rasheed, though no longer innocent to the wonders of the sticky icky, blushes when presented with this type of loose female. Macho Man has much to teach!

J.R.: Puff Ryder continues his comeback by obliterating jobber after jobber.

W.W.: It’s somewhat inspiring, Jim. It shows that if the hurdles you have to leap are short enough, you can accomplish anything.

J.R.: Now, we can’t waste anymore time. Our next match is featuring the debut of-

W.W.: Let me just cut you off right there. This isn’t Queerbasher’s debut, this is his glorious return. This is the same boy that I taught how to play catch. He’s just bulkier, bigger, stronger. And tonight he’s going to wipe the goddamned floor with Jack Masterson. I don’t give a shit who Masterson explodes out of, my boy is going to whip his fucking ass.

J.R.: I don’t know if it’s right for you to commentating this match. There’s an obvious bias, here.

W.W.: Jesus, dickhead. I’m a color commentator, remember?

J.R.: Excellent point. Now Lightning is in the ring to announce this match!

Lightning: Coming to the ring first, weighing in at 267 pounds and hailing from the furthest possible point away from queers … SUUUPER QUEEEERBASHEEER!

Super Queerbasher and his manager, Dr. Daniel Mented, walk to the ring as some David Allen Coe song plays. Super Queerbasher, a muscular God compared to his predecessor, flexes his muscles and snaps the straps on his overalls. As he is making his way to the ring, he shoves his Long, Hard Pole through the eye socket of a guy that looked at him a little too long while hissing a restrained “QUEER” through his gritted teeth.

W.W.: That’s my boy!

J.R.: He made quite the impression last Pay-Per-View when he basically raped Krystol to death with that steel pole of his. But outside of his ability to shove shit up people’s asses when they aren’t looking, we still haven’t seen how he fares in the ring.

W.W.: You won’t have to worry about that, Jim. I’m the guy who fucking trained him! Junior is going to send Masterson weeping all the way back to hell.

As Queerbasher patiently waits into the ring, a fucking BEAR charges down the ramp.

W.W.: Holy shit, it’s a bear!

J.R.: Indeed!

The bear, which is a grizzly by the way, LEAPS INTO THE AIR. Queerbasher wastes no time and brings the steel pole to his teeth AND CHEWS ON IT. Super Queerbasher’s mighty jaw bends the pole’s tip to a jagged POINT instantly. AS THE BEAR comes crashing down, QUEERBASHER IMPALES THE BEAR THROUGH THE HEAD!

J.R.: Queerbasher just killed a bear!

AND FROM THE BACK OF THE BEAR BURSTS JACK MASTERSON. Fans clap mildly. Covered in BEAR BLOOD AND INTESTINES and all that shit, Jack Masterson stands GRINNING with FLESH IN HIS TEETH and his DEMON HATCHETS IN HIS HANDS.

“GYAAAAH!” Masterson screams as he brings his BLOODY HATCHETS DOWN. THE TWO INTERSECT in an X-SHAPE and are BLOCKED by QUEERBASHER’S LONG, HARD POLE!

J.R.: This isn’t a Bring Your Own Weapons match but I hardly think the referee will stick his neck out to stop them!

“The Hatchet’s” EVIL GRIN STRETCHES OUT FURTHER as his BLACK HATCHETS VIBRATE. Instantly, a HUGE X IS CARVED OUT IN QUEERBASHER’S FACE (BAKI STYLE). BLOOD SPRAYS FROM THE WOUND AS QUEERBASHER STUMBLES BACK.

W.W.: WHAT THE CHEATING FUCK YOU!

J.R.: HE DIDN’T EVEN TOUCH HIM!

Masterson leaps straight into the air, viscera trailing from his body. He spins with all his might and hurls ONE HATCHET like a BOOMERANG. As the SPINNING BLADE comes close to Queerbasher, QUEERBASHER KNOCKS IT AWAY with his POLE. THE HATCHET FLIES BACK AND NAILS MASTERSON IN THE FACE, EMBEDDING ITSELF INTO HIS SKULL. Masterson convulses and falls out of the ring and onto the guard rail.

W.W.: Take that, shithead!

J.R.: Super Queerbasher nailed a homerun swing and gave Masterson a taste of his own medicine! But as we all know, Masterson is immortal, so he’s not out yet!

Jack “The Hatchet” Masterson is sprawled out on the bent guardrail as the fans around him go fucking nuts. Blood squirts from his face with every heartbeat as he hazily looks up at the arena lights. Slowly, an evil cackle rises up out of his throat.

“Geh heh heh heh, so much pain!” he screams, yanking the blade from his face, “It hurts! IT HURTS! SO MUCH!” Queerbasher seems a bit startled by this reaction.

“LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE TO US! HAHAHAHA! NOW WE CAN REALLY DESPISE YOU!” he screams as he CLIMBS UP OFF THE WRECKED GUARD RAIL, “The more we HATE SOMEONE, the STRONGER we BECOME! We will REPAY FOR THIS MUTILATION, OH YES!”

“FUCK YOU, QUEER!” Queerbasher GIVES HIM THE FUCKING FINGER AND LEAPS INTO THE AIR. As Queerbasher descends, MASTERSON ROLLS BACKWARDS out of HARM’S WAY and Queerbasher smashes a poor fan’s skull in. Masterson JAMS HIS FIST into Queerbasher’s mouth and HURLS HIM headfirst into a PILE OF FANS.

J.R.: We’re taking this to the crowd! This is where some of our best stuff happens! But there’s something suspicious about this turn of events …

“Q … Queer …” Super Queerbasher climbs to his feet and wipes the blood from his mouth. Masterson stands there with his tongue hanging out of his mouth with a giant gash in his head.

“Welcome … TO MY WORLD!” Masterson says. He reaches over and YANKS OFF THE FUCKING JAW off some FAT, REDNECK FAN. The fan’s SCREAMS ARE MUTED WHEN JACK “THE HATCHET” MASTERSON SHOVES A BOOT DOWN HIS THROAT. “DESPAIR!” HE SNARLS BEFORE CLIMBING INSIDE THE BODY OF THE REDNECK.

J.R.: Uh …

W.W.: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ASSHOLE DOING? WHATEVER IT IS, IT’S FUCKING ILLEGAL.

The jawless redneck seems otherwise fine, except for the jawless part. In a RAGE, QUEERBASHER charges and IMPALES the FAT REDNECK with his LONG, HARD POLE. Queerbasher YANKS UP, RIPPING IN THE FUCKER UP THE MIDDLE. But inside is no Jack Masterson!

SUDDENLY, A HAND BURSTS OUT OF THE TORSO OF AN OLD LADY. This hand, which is WIELDING A HATCHET BY THE WAY, slashes open Queerbasher’s leg. Queerbasher SMASHES THE WOMAN OVER AND OVER until she’s a bloody pulp but, again, no MASTERSON!

J.R.: I’m not sure how this works.

Queerbasher storms through the crowd, attempting to get away from the seemingly teleporting Masterson, but everywhere he goes IS ANOTHER CONVULSING SHELL OF A HUMAN WHO SUDDENLY EXPLODES AND STABS QUEERBASHER WITH A HATCHET. Soon, Queerbasher is covered in gashes and guts, using his POLE as a WALKING CANE. As another random person’s face explodes to reveal a hatchet, Queerbasher swings his pole and deflects it.

J.R.: He’s just too powerful! This incredible rage that’s powering him probably has something to do with it. That’s what he said in his monologue!

Queerbasher falls down to the ground, TOO DAMAGED TO CONTINUE.

“That fucking … queer … he’s just too … queering strong …” Queerbasher mutters as he leaks crimson amongst the piles and piles of bodies, “I don’t have the … queer determination … to queer … bash his … skull queer in …”

A MASSIVE BLACK GUY WITH BLOOD SQUIRTING OUT OF HIS EARS STUMBLES UP ZOMBIE-LIKE. MASTERSON BURSTS OUT OF HIS STOMACH WITH HIS HATCHETS, SCREAMING.

“GAAYAARHGLAHGAH!” Masterson screams as HE BEGINS HIS SLOW AND DRAMATIC POUNCE ON QUEERBASHER. As Queerbasher is about to GIVE UP ALL HOPE, HE SEES SOMETHING OUT OF THE CORNER OF HIS EYES. IT’S TWO BODIES. LAYING ON TOP OF EACHOTHER.

TWO MALE CORPSES LAYING ON TOP OF EACHOTHER, CROTCH TO ASS. Super Queerbasher’s face CONTORTS WITH RAGE UPON THIS SIGHT.

”QuuuueeeeEEEEEEERRRRRRRR!!” HE FUCKING SCREAMS, SPINNING AROUND AND NAILING MASTERSON IN THE GODDAMNED FUCKING FACE WITH HIS POLE. MASTERSON SPITS OUT HIS TOP ROW OF TEETH AND IS SENT FLYING INTO A FAN. HE SLASHES THE FAN TO A MIST OF BLOOD, ENTERS THE BLOOD, AND VANISHES!

J.R.: QUEERBASHER MANAGED A COMEBACK BUT MASTERSON HAS ALREADY ESCAPED! WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN?!

W.W.: You’ll SEE WHAT FUCKING HAPPENS, JIM! You wanna talk about BEING FUELED ON ANGER? HE’S THE GODDAMNED FUCKING SON OF WARRIOR W. WARRIOR! HE’S GODDAMNED ENRAGED!

SUPER QUEERBASHER BEGINS BULGING AND SLAMMING HIS POLE ON THE GROUND, CRACKING THE FLOOR AND BENDING HIS WEAPON. HE CHARGES INTO THE FRAY AND BEGINS BASHING RANDOM FANS IN THE FUCKING SKULLS, KILLING ANYONE WHO HAS THE POSSIBLE CHANCE OF HIDING JACK MASTERSON INSIDE!

“QUEEEEEEEEEER!!” SUPER QUEERBASHER CONTINUES AS HE CRIPPLES MAN, WOMAN, AND CHILD. Masterson FLIES OUT OF THE MOUTH OF A LITTLE BOY (WHO EXPLODES) WHILE SPINNING LIKE A BLOODY PSYCHO CRUSHER, DRILLING INTO QUEERBASHER! QUEERBASHER SHRUGS OFF THE ATTACK, KNEES MASTERSON IN THE JAW. Masterson floats in AIR FROM THE BLOW and Queerbasher HOMERUNS HIM, CAUSING HIM TO SPEW BLOOD FROM HIS ASS AND FACE.

J.R.: BAH GAWD! HE SENT STRAIGHT BACK TO HELL!

W.W.: HAHAHA! YES!

Jack “The Hatchet” Masterson stumbles to his feet, blood pouring out of his ass, clinging his HATCHETS. Suddenly, HE BEGINS HACKING AWAY AT HIS OWN BODY while LAUGHING.

“HURT ME MOOOOORE!!”

The black hatchets turn RED HOT and MASTERSON CHARGES. The two CLASH BLADES and Masterson SLASHES QUEERBASHER, CARVING A GIANT BURNING SCAR in Queerbasher’s SHOULDER. The CLANGING of WEAPONS continues until a RED HOT HATCHET SEVERS QUEERBASHER’S POLE! The pole, now CUT WITH A SHARP POINT, is used as a SPEAR to GUT MASTERSON. Masterson slides back but keeps SWINGING. Queerbasher, STILL POWERED ON GAY-HATING RAGE, MANAGES TO CUT MASTERSON’S HANDS OFF!

W.W.: GET HIM! GET THAT FUCK!

J.R.: What’s THE HATCHET going to do if he can’t SWING HIS HATCHETS?

“Not enough anger … not pissed enough yet!” Masterson SCREAMS as he spins around, bleeding everywhere. His body begins BULGING and CONTORTING, pulsing DISGUSTLINGLY. OUT OF NOWHERE, HATCHETS RIP OUT OF MASTERSON’S BODY, SPINNING AT HIGH VELOCITIES AND SHIT. Queerbasher attempts to DEFLECT WITH A MACH SPEED FLURRY OF POLE SWINGS WHILE SCREAMING “QUEERQUEERQUEERQUEERQUEERQUEERQUEER!!” but SOME BLADES STILL MANAGE TO HACK THROUGH HIS BODY.

W.W.: Cheating fuck!

What’s left of Masterson, which is a bunch of loose muscle hanging on a shattered skeleton, stumbles forward. A HATCHET bursts from MASTERSON’S SKULL and begins EXECUTING A HEADBUTTING MOTION while limping towards Queerbasher. Although Super Queerbasher is heavily injured, he can easily sidestep Masterson and shoves his pole through one of Masterson’s ear and coming out, along with a bunch of brains, out the other. Queerbasher yanks the pole from Masterson’s head, imploding his skull in the process. Masterson falls in a BLOODY HEAP and Queerbasher impales him to the ground and puts the tip of his boot on his shoulder, the least gay way to pin him. A referee rushes out of nowhere.

OOOONE!


TWOOOO!


THR-! THE REFEREE JUST FUCKING EXPLODED!

J.R.: BAH GAWD!!

W.W.: HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?!

The body QUEERBASHER is PINNING MERELY TURNS TO A PUDDLE OF BLOOD as UNINJURED MASTERSON that just EXPLODED out of the REF DROPKICKS THE SHIT OUT OF HIM. Masterson hops onto the back of a FLEEING FAN and TEARS OPEN HIS BACK, CLIMBING INTO THE MEATY PORTAL OF HIS BODY.

W.W.: SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK.

Masterson EXPLODES out of a man in a wheelchair (he was actually paralyzed DURING the event) as Queerbasher is trying to gather his bearings. The top half of the paraplegic falls apart as Masterson sits in the wheelchair in a pair of another man’s legs. He TREMBLES and SEIZURES as HATCHETS BURST OUT OF HIS BODY. He takes these hatchets and with his BURNING RAGE, HEATS THEM UP. One by one he welds the fucking things to the WHEELS.

“WRYYYYYYY!!” MASTERSON SCREAMS, LACERATING HIS HANDS AS HE WHEELS FORWARD AT RETARDED SPEEDS. Queerbasher DASHES AWAY, TOSSING FANS IN THE WAY OF THE FUCKING INSANE MASTERSON TURNS THEM TO MULCH WITH HIS HATCHET-CHAIR. With no one left to throw, he HURLS his POLE LIKE A SPEAR INTO THE GROUND. One HATCHET-WHEEL ramps off the POLE and the CHAIR IS SENT SPINNING, AIRBORNE. Masterson spins to face Queerbasher who is yanking his pole out of the ground.

J.R.: Where the hell was all this insane shit when Masterson lost his last ten matches?

Queerbasher HURLS his POLE LIKE A SPEAR AGAIN, impaling MASTERSON through the HEART. Masterson’s eyes ROLL INTO THE BACK OF HIS HEAD as the BLADE CONTINUES STRAIGHT UP INTO THE AIR, leaving a BASEBALL-SIZED HOLE IN HIS CHEST.

W.W.: HE GOT HIM!

SUDDENLY, MASTERSON EXPLODES OUT OF JACK MASTERSON!

J.R.: OK, I don’t get the rules on this at all.

POLELESS, SUPER QUEERBASHER IS NEARLY HELPLESS! The FRESH MASTERSON yanks the HATCHETS out of his own hands and DESCENDS TOWARDS QUEERBASHER. HE LANDS ON TOP OF HIM, AND PINS HIS SHOULDERS DOWN WITH BOTH OF HIS HATCHETS. A referee charges KNEE DEEP IN DEAD so he can make the count.

“As a wrestler I should pin you but YOU’VE PISSED ME OFF SO FUCKING MUCH I’M JUST GONNA KILL YA!!” he says, YANKING ANOTHER HATCHET OUT OF HIS TORSO. “SAY GOODBYEEEEE!!”

J.R.: He’s really talkative this match, isn’t he?

W.W.: MY SON! THAT FAGGOT!!

“Goodbye …” Queerbasher mutters as his LOOK OF FEAR SUDDENLY TURNS TO A KNOWING SMILE, “QUEER!!” QUEERBASHER JERKS HIS HEAD TO THE RIGHT AS THE FUCKING POLE QUEERBASHER THREW HAS IMPALED MASTERSON THROUGH THE FUCKING FACE, POWERED BY THE LAWS OF GRAVITY!

J.R.: BAH GAWD! BAH GAWD!

Queerbasher ROLLS OUT FROM UNDER MASTERSON, who’s HEAD IS PINNED TO THE GROUND, and YANKS HIS FUCKING BODY AROUND (breaking his neck but at this point it doesn’t matter) AND PINS HIM! THE REFEREE GOES FOR THE COUNT!

OOOONE!


TWOOOO!


THREEEE!

W.W.: FUCK YEAAAAAH!!

J.R.: SUPER QUEERBASHER HAS WON HIS RETURN MATCH! And it wasn’t an EASY ONE AT THAT!
Yogurtman
Odin
Joined: 03 Jan 2007
Posts: 2248
(Tue Feb 20, 2007 12:28 am)
Reply

Post     Re: FTUW'S ANAL HEMORRHAGE: GAY SEX IS A NIGHTMARE! (#15)

J.R.: Now FTUW fans, this a match I know a lot of you have been waiting for. A tag team match featuring some of the FTUW’s biggest superstars! Last month’s Extreme Hardcore marked the returns of Jack “Jim Beam” Daniels and Handsomus R. Awesome. Tonight they will be teaming up to take the newcomer Kenjiro Kanzaki, who is apparently the brother of former FTUW champion Rakkyu Saketumi, and, uh, Robert McCoy. Not to take anything away from that awesome kick that McCoy delivered to Thedorrin XIV and has subsequently been living off the glory of that for some time now, but this match was devised under the rule of new owner Baron Hoity von Toity as a way to obviously punish the Saketumi bloodline.

W.W.: Punish? Hey, Kanzaki may be a shit-eating Jap and McCoy may be a shit-eating Jap lover but, uh, I don’t know where I was going with that. Fuck those guys, let’s hope those two AMERICAN HEROES kill the shit out of them.

J.R.: Handsomus is from space!

W.W.: Do you see the inside of his leather jacket? The one with all the chains and other metallic doodads hanging from it? The inside has the American flag EMBROIDERED. He’s more American than most of these assholes sitting here in this arena.

J.R.: Regardless, we have a tag match to get to. Lightning is in the ring ready to announce our combatants.

Lightning: Coming to the ring first, weighing in at 175 pounds and hailing from Sewickley, Pennsylvania … ROBERT MCCOY!

Tajiri’s music on loan from the WWE begins to play as Robert McCoy bursts out onto the entrance ramp in a grey jogging suit, the pits and chest area moist with sweat. The fans let out a surprisingly loud cheer, perhaps the unwavering spirit of this perennial underdog filling them with pride. But it turns out the Faggotron is just showing some chick some chick shaking her tits around until men with fire hoses spray her out of existence with a rush of beer.

“I am tagging with an actual Asian martial artist tonight …” McCoy thinks to himself, “I can’t let him down! I can’t fail the Eastern arts that Sensei Wojehowski taught me!”

He stops in the middle of the ramp and executes an brown belt kata, punching and kicking within a four square-foot circle around him for a few minutes. The Tajiri music loops over and McCoy finishes his kata and hops onto the ring apron in a single leap. He pauses a moment to gawk at his own extreme dexterity, revitalizing himself with confidence.

Before he steps into the ring, something catches his eye. It’s a person in the crowd. His mouth drops when he sees this person.

“C-Cheryl!” he cries. It’s his ex-wife, Cheryl. Immediately rushes from the ring and leaps into the crowd. It is indeed his ex-wife Cheryl. And not only that, their ten year old son, Thomas.

“Cheryl … Thomas … what are you two doing here?” McCoy says, flabbergasted.

“Your son has been asking to come to an FTUW event ever since he found out you were a wrestler,” Cheryl says with a bitchy look on your face.

”Yeah, daddy! You’re the coolest! You’re so strong!” Thomas says, his words filled with joy. A tear trails down McCoy’s cheek.

“My son … he respects me now …” McCoy thinks to himself while clenching his fist, “He respects me!”

“Your daughter and I still think you’re a loser, though,” Cheryl tells her former husband but McCoy couldn’t care less. This happiness he’s feeling is near overwhelming.

”Anyway, you guys shouldn’t be here … the FTUW crowds … are really dangerous,” McCoy tells them. Cheryl shakes her head.

“Don’t worry, Rod’s here,” Cheryl says. That word changes McCoy’s expression. Rod

Suddenly, a huge guy with bulging muscles in a tank top steps through the crowd carrying hot dogs.

“Did I miss anything?” Rod asks before handing Thomas his hot dog. “Nothing much. Oh, here’s my ex-husband, Robert.” Cheryl points to McCoy who is trembling with restrained rage. “Rod …” he thinks.

“Oh, put ‘er there, pal!” Rod grasps McCoy’s hand and his mighty handshake nearly breaks his entire goddamned arm. But McCoy isn’t going to fucking give up yet. He thinks back to his training where Sensei Wojehowski made him try to break an egg by squeezing it in his palm.

“All that training … I WON’T GIVE UP YET!” McCoy thinks and FUCKING SHAKES HIS GODDAMNED HAND BACK, “TAKE THAT, ROD.” Rod smiles and releases his grasp and immediately starts making out with Cheryl, pawing at her tits and ass. McCoy forces back his anger and turns to his boy.

”Anyway, I got to go wrestle now, son!”

“Are you going to win, Dad? Are you gonna beat them?”

McCoy kneels there in front of his son, clasping his son’s hands together. “I have to do it,” McCoy thinks, “I HAVE TO DO IT FOR MY SON!”

“Yes, I’ll beat them! Your daddy will beat them all up!” McCoy smiles. He then turns to the ring and raises a fist. “OSU!” HE SHOUTS AND LEAPS OVER THE GODDAMNED BARRIER IN ONE FELL SWOOP.

“I’LL SHOW THEM I’M A MAN NOW!”

W.W.: What the fuck was that all about?

J.R.: He seemed to be talking with that family over there. Then he looked really constipated when shaking that man’s hand. Will his blocked bowels have an impact on the match?

W.W.: Yeah, it doesn’t look good for McCoy. I feel kind of bad for his zip partner, too.

“Shanghai Honey” by Orange Range blares over the speakers as Kenjiro Kanzaki and longtime friend and classmate, Bunzo Arakaki, walk out in their white school uniforms. Bunzo is overly excited about the FTUW arena as Kenjiro walks around with a slightly bored look on his face with his HANDS IN HIS STUDDED POCKETS.

“So this is the FTUW arena, eh?” Bunzo says to himself looking at the lights and the raging crowd, “You are bound to make a ton of money in this fight!”

”Eh, yeah, I guess,” Kenjiro says as he walks, slumped forward.

”Are you not excited, Ken-kun?!”

“I can’t say that I’m not. This fight … they are two of the strongest in the world … even the universe!” Kenjiro says with a green shimmer in his eye as he clenches his fist.

“That Daniels guy. He’s the one you fought last month, eh? I’m sure you’ll beat his ass this time, Ken-kun! But your partner … I don’t know.”

“I’ll do this on my own if I have to. I won’t give up!” Kenjiro says hopping into the ring.

“I’ll cheer you on, Ken-kun!” Bunzo clenches his fist. Kenjiro gives the THUMBS UP in response.

“Konnichiwa, Kanzaki-san,” McCoy bows to his tag partner. Kenjiro sort of nods to him. “Let’s do our best!” McCoy tells him in very shitty Japanese.

“A-Alright.”

Lightning: And his opponent, weighing in at 275 pounds and hailing from Bourbon County, Kentucky … JAAACK “JIM BEAM” DANIEEELS!!

Jack Daniels, Katrina, and Lucifer, the HELL’S REJECTS, all enter to a random Rob Zombie song. Daniels is dressed in his black slacks and a loose-fitting black, unbutton shirt while Katrina is basically whored up with belts tugging at her CUNT AND TITTIES and shit. Repeated explosions and flames and shit shoot out of the ground as the Faggotron shows grotesque looking cartoon devil men fucking devil women with huge titties cut from some early 90’s metal music video.

Jack Daniels doesn’t seem himself, however. He’s rubbing his hands and seems ANXIOUS, a dark stare is aimed at his opponent. Kenjiro straightens up and a serious look appears on his face when he sees Daniels, some sort of sound effect accompanies this change in expression. Daniels leaps onto the turnbuckle and stands perched as Katrina stands at ringside, cheering him, as Lucifer struts over to the booth.

J.R.: I guess Lucifer, Jack Daniels’ manager, is joining us. Welcome Lucifer.

Lucifer: Greetings to the both of you. Tonight’s an exciting night, isn’t it?

W.W.: You bet your ass. I can’t wait to see Daniels and Handsomus murder out of Squinty and Reverse Banana here.

J.R.: As we saw on Tuesday Night Tantrum, Jack Daniels seems to have lost his fire conjuring ability. Do you think this will have a significant impact on tonight’s match?

Lucifer: Oh, I wouldn’t worry about that. Jack will win, he better, at least.

Smoke machines and lots of STROBE LIGHTS and shit begin blasting as a tall, statue-esque figure emerges from the smoke.

Lightning: Coming to the ring next, weighing in at 500 pounds and hailing from OUTER SPACE … HANDSOMUS R. AWESOOOOME!!

Awesome stands there in his black cowboy hat, black chaps, black jacket, basically black everything adorned with platinum knick knacks and shit. His guitar is slung over his shoulder and he breathes out a puff of smoke slowly, presumably from the smoke machine. Then he begins rocking the fuck out to the last third of Bohemian Rhapsody while Viscerape plays back up. Handsomus strums his guitar while channeling the spirit of Freddie Mercury for the vocals. After a few minutes and Handsomus is covered in three hundred pairs of panties, he continues to the ring.

J.R.: That’s Handsomus R. Awesome, always a showman. And tonight will be his FIRST MATCH after Theldorrin XIV killed him and turned him into a black hole.

Handsomus raises his hand to his guitar and SUDDENLY a bunch of belts fly out of his sleeve and completely wrap around the guitar, encasing it in belts like a gay mummy rockstar’s guitar. He tosses it to the timekeeper who isn’t exploded by the immense awesomeness due to the protective belts.

All four men stand in the ring. Kenjiro doesn’t break his stare with Daniels as McCoy is on his knees, murmuring a Buddhist chant and throwing around gay Japanese good luck tags and shit. Handsomus leans in the corner, smoking a cigarette with a slight frown on his face while Daniels practices punches. The referee nervously walks to the center of the ring and calls the fighters to the centers. Handsomus and Kenjiro step forward.

J.R.: It looks like Handsomus and Kenjiro are starting this slobberknocker off!

W.W.: It’s important to note that Kenjiro and Handsomus may be completely even when it comes to gay, useless shit hanging from your costumes.

J.R.: Right you are, Warrior. It’s also interesting that Handsomus was never able to battle Kenjiro’s brother, Rakkyu Saketumi, which is probably one of the greatest travesties in human history.

“Yo, pops!” Kenjiro says hopping from foot to foot, “I heard you’re strong! Is that right?” Handsomus takes one last drag off his cigarette and drops it to the ground, stomping it out with his boot. “That’s what they tell me,” Handsomus replies.

The bell rings!

J.R.: AND HERE WE GO, FOLKS!

Kenjiro springs form his corner, dashing low to the ground while Handsomus stands there, not relaxed, not concentrated, just standing. Kenjiro ducks down and fires a RISING KICK to the JAW OF HANDSOMUS. Handsomus catches the foot and tosses him away to the ropes. Kenjiro hits, rebounds, and attacks Handsomus with a flying kick. Awesome blocks with a FOREARM and counters with a HOOK. Kenjiro CATCHES the hook by SCISSORING HIS LEGS around his ARM and ARM DRAGGING him to the ground! Handsomus climbs to one knee, picks up his hat and plops it on his head as Kenjiro stands bouncing from foot to foot, his heart racing after the quick exchange.

“I can do this …” Kenjiro thinks to himself, “I just gottta stay calm!” Kenjiro FIRES FORWARD and throws a MASSIVE RIGHT. Handsomus counters with a KITCHEN SINK KNEE that sends Kenjiro flying and landing gut first on the top rope. The Man with the Burning Heart wipes the spit from his lip and turns back to his opponent. SUDDENLY, HE FEELS A SLAP ON HIS BACK.

J.R.: What the?!

McCoy LEAPS OVER THE TOP ROPE after FORCIBLY TAGGING HIMSELF IN! Kenjiro looks stunned as McCoy stands beside him.

“I’ll take this guy out,” McCoy mutters, “You can handle the other one!” The other three wrestlers stare in disbelief.

W.W.: McCoy WANTS to fight Handsomus?

J.R.: It looks like it! The smart thing would have him just waited until one of them was tired or, hell, just not show up for the match … but McCoy wants to take Handsomus HEAD-ON!

W.W.: He hasn’t faced any of this caliber! Handsomus and Daniels are both leagues above him!

J.R.: I don’t think he gives a damn!

“Uh, are you sure about this?” Kenjiro turns to his partner. McCoy just smiles with turning to face Kanzaki. “Just you watch!” McCoy replies.

Handsomus and McCoy square off in the ring. The Star Crusader takes off his cowboy hat and scratches his head.

”Look, I hadn’t felt right about this match since it was issued,” Handsomus tells him, “Let’s just, uh, we can just spar.”

“You’d like that wouldn’t you?” McCoy says, taking some gay Tae Kwon Do stance, “There’s no doubt you’ve heard about me.”

”Yeah, I have. You’ve won one match and that was against Carlos Mencia.”

“Pft! No. You must have heard about THIS!” McCoy strips off his sweat suit to REVEAL HIS TAE KWON DO GI. And not only his TAE KWON DO GI … a MOTHERFUCKING BLACK BELT!

J.R.: A BLACK BELT? But McCoy was a BROWN BELT the last time we saw him!

“Although I can’t see your eyes under those sunglasses of yours,” McCoy points to Handsomus, “No doubt they are fixated on my black belt.”

“Yeah, I got a black belt, too. Like thirty of them,” Handsomus says putting to his many STRAPS and such. McCoy just shakes his head.

“Don’t play it off like you don’t care,” McCoy tells him, “Whole new techniques have become available to me ever since I got this belt! With these skills, I can even take on you!”

Handsomus doesn’t respond. He just stands there, stoically. A bead of sweat slowly trails down McCoy’s face.

“I’ll have to apologize to the dojo for taking one of their black belts,” McCoy thinks to himself, “But Sensei Wojehowski always taught me that it isn’t just the body you fight with, but THE MIND, TOO. Now that Handsomus and Daniels THINK that I’m a black belt in Tae Kwon Do, they’ll be nervous and screw up! I can do this! I can do this for my son!”

J.R.: And McCoy is on the ATTACK!

McCoy springs forward and FIRES A FLURRY OF PUNCHES AND KICKS that Handsomus dodges, blocks, or shrugs off. McCoy hops to the second TURNBUCKLE, CLIMBS TO THE THIRD, stumbles a bit but then LEAPS OFF FOR A FLYING KICK. Handsomus moves out of the way and McCoy hits the ground and lands on his ass.

”I can do it! I CAN DO IT!” McCoy KIPS TO HIS FEET and executes a SPINNING KICK that HITS HANDSOMUS in the NECK. However, he doesn’t BUDGE. Before McCoy falls due to GRAVITY, he slams his OTHER FOOT into his neck and GRIPS TIGHTLY.

“I haven’t been able to practice this move … but I CAN’T WASTE THIS OPPORTUNITY!” McCoy thinks. “HURRICANARANA!!” HE SCREAMS.

McCoy jerks back and slams his head into the mat, Handsomus not moving an inch. McCoy grips at the back of his head for a second but a FIRE IS LIT IN HIS EYES. He continues to TRY AND YANK Handsomus down with his legs, USING ALL HIS POWER TO PULL HIS BODY UP FOR THE VERTICAL SIT-UP, then FALLS DOWN and slams his head again and again. Handsomus grabs him by the legs, gently powerbombs him, and goes for the pin.

J.R.: This may be IT!

OOOONE!


TWOOOO! Kenjiro BREAKS the COUNT with a STOMP to Handsomus’ back!

“You’ve had your shot,” Kenjiro remarks to the fallen McCoy, “I’m doing this now!”

Kenjiro drops the dazed McCoy onto the apron and charges at Handsomus once more. This time, Kenjiro drops low and tries a LEG SWEEP but Handsomus’ immense frame slightly buckles from the kick. However, this gives Kenjiro the chance to PROPEL HIMSELF like a TORPEDO FEET FIRST into his STOMACH and send him stumbling backwards. Handsomus hits the ropes and bounces, NAILING Kenjiro with a COUNTER CLOTHESLINE that sends him spinning in mid-air.

”Kenjiro!” Bunzo shouts but KENJIRO lands on his feet, a SLIGHT CUT ON HIS FOREHEAD. He immediately charges forward with DUST TRAILING from his hands and feet, a FAINT BLUE ENERGY SURROUNDING HIM.

“ETERNAL LOOOOP!!” Kenjiro screams, HURLING A HURRICANE OF FISTS into HANDSOMUS. HANDSOMUS GUARD IS TIGHT BUT THE PUNISHING BLOWS ARE PENETRATING, SENDING HIM SLIDING BACK ACROSS THE MAT.

“Kck … kck …” Handsomus grits his teeth. BUT THE MACH SPEED PUNCHES STOP FOR A BRIEF MOMENT ALLOWING HANDSOMUS TO YANK BACK HIS FIST FOR A COUNTER-ATTACK! But Kenjiro hasn’t stopped, HE JUST SWITCHES to LIGHTNING KICKS that REPEATEDLY SLAM INTO HANDSOMUS’ GUT as his guard is NOW OPEN.

J.R.: HE BROKE THROUGH! KENJIRO IS TAKING HANDSOMUS TO THE WOODSHED!

“His power …” McCoy gawks from ringside at Kenjiro, “That’s the power … of a TRUE Asian martial artist!”

Blood starts to SPURT from HANDSOMUS mouth as the kicks bore into HANDSOMUS’ BODY! The Star Warrior loses his balance and is REELING from the KICKS while Kenjiro CHARGES FORWARD. His legs and arms are TIRED after EXPENDING SO MUCH ENERGY so the FOOT LONG DISTANCE between the two seems like trudging a mile through mud. Kenjiro rolls to his HANDS and uses his arms to SPRING UPWARD, ONE FOOT FIRST, aiming for HANDSOMUS’ JAW!

J.R.: It’s the 360º!!

THE FOOT PASSES HANDSOMUS CHIN and MISSES HIM! KENJIRO CONTINUES TO SAIL UPWARDS WITH HIS OWN MOMENTUM AS HANDSOMUS TAKES A WIDE STANCE! Bringing his SHOULDER DOWN, HE JAMS FORWARD and THROWS HIS ENTIRE BODY’S WEIGHT INTO THE SPAN OF HIS SHOULDERS. The ground RIPS OPEN UNDER HANDSOMUS’ FEET and Handsomus’ SHOULDERS CRASH into THE UPSIDE-DOWN KENJIRO and sends him ROCKETING INTO A TURNBUCKLES! Kenjiro bounces off the NOW BENT STEEL RING POST, blood spilling from his mouth, and collapses onto his hands and knees.

J.R.: THE ASTRAL SHOULDER! Kenjiro may be DEAD!

The God of Rock ‘N’ Roll leans over, panting, BLOOD DRIBBLING from his lip. Kanzaki Kenjiro crawls along the ground, digging his fingers into the mat, trying to stand.

“Hey! Handsomus!” Daniels shouts angrily from his side of the ring, “Tag me in before you kill him!”

“This has gone on long enough,” Handsomus turns to Daniels, “I’m pinning him and ending it.”

“You fuckin’ asshole …” Daniels smolders, “Goddamned showoff.”

“Ken-kun! Get out of there!” Bunzo slams his fists on the mat, “You’ve taken too much damage!”

“Heh heh … you may be right,” Kenjiro smiles from his position on the mat, “I used up two much energy with those attacks … and it got turned against me. Hey McCoy!”

“Huh?!” McCoy snaps out his state of awe of the match upon hearing his name.

“You’re my tag partner, right? You are going to have to take over. I think I’m spent.”

“I-I uh … I’m not sure if …” McCoy’s nervous stuttering ends when he hears a familiar voice.

“DADDY!” THOMAS SHOUTS FROM THE CROWD while his mother and his mother’s boyfriend are fucking in the crowd, “YOU CAN DO IT, DADDY!”

“Thomas … !” a single tear runs down McCoy’s cheek.

“There’s two ways to fight … with your body and with your mind,” Kenjiro mutters with a grin on his face. McCoy’s eyes IGNITE WITH PASSION, the SINGLE TEAR EVAPORATING, upon hearing Kenjiro repeat the lesson that his sensei once told him, “Get ready! We have one shot at this! ATTACK!”

McCoy LEAPS ONTO THE FUCKING TURNBUCKLE as Kenjiro lies on the ground.

J.R.: What the? WHAT ARE THEY PLANNING?

W.W.: McCoy’s a fucking moron! THEY ARE BOTH IDIOTS! There’s no way-

“KIYAAAAAAAH!!” MCCOY SCREAMS as HE LEAPS, EXECUTING THE FLYING DRAGON KICK that he used on THELDORRIN! ALL THE ENERGY HE HAS IS COLLECTED INTO HIS FOOT as he FLIES TOWARDS HANDSOMUS.

“What is this?” Handsomus thinks to himself as he sees McCoy flying towards him, “I’ll just have to … WHAT?!” HANDSOMUS looks down at his FEET as he TREMBLES. HE CAN’T MOVE! His LEGS ARE FROZEN!

“My feet … are stuck!” Handsomus SEES KENJIRO OUT OF THE CORNER OF HIS EYE PRESSING HIS PALMS ONTO THE MAT. ON CLOSER INSPECTION, HE SEES FAINT WISPS OF BLUE ENERGY RUNNING ALONG THE MAT TO HIS FEET.

“You just noticed it, didn’t you?” Kenjiro smirks, “I’ve used my ki to stick you to the ring! You can’t move as long as I’m holding you there!”

“YAAAARGHGH!!” MCCOY SCREAMS AS HE FLIES FURTHER!

“Y-You!” HANDSOMUS SAYS, YANKING BACK HIS FIST!

MCCOY FUCKING COLLIDES WITH HANDSOMUS’ FACE, SMASHING HIS AVIATOR SUNGLASSES INTO HIS FUCKING GODDAMNED SKULL! HANDSOMUS SNAPS BACK FROM THE KICK AND SLAMS INTO THE MAT, BLOOD SPEWING FROM HIS FACE!

J.R.: BAH GAWD! BAH GAWD! HE DID IT AGAIN!

W.W.: MOTHERFUCKING SHIT COCK!!

McCoy falls to the ground, his LEG VISIBLY BLEEDING through his TAE KWON DO GI. As Handsomus lies there dazed on the mat, he feels a tugging on his LEATHER ARMOR. All the metal trinkets, all the belt buckles, all the STUDS stretch and pin themselves to the ground. Manipulating his ki so it sticks to his KI and whatever and resonating with the metallic blah dick blah like FUNKATRICITY and cocks and HE’S PINNED TO THE MAT AND CAN’T MOVE! WHOA!

“PIN HIIIMMMM!!” KENJIRO SCREAMS! MCCOY DRAGS HIS BUSTED LEG BEHIND HIM AND LEAPS ONTO HANDSOMUS! THE REFEREE SLIDES IN THE PIN!

W.W.: IF THIS HAPPENS I … I FUCK!

OOOOONE!!



TWOOOOO!!

“I can’t move …” Handsomus struggles as he’s pinned to the ground with Kenjiro’s ki, “I can’t budge an inch!”



THR-!! NO! DANIELS KICKS THE FUCKING SHIT OUT OF MCCOY, SENDING HIM FLYING INTO THE NEAREST RING POST.

“You’re out, I’m in. You’re embarrassing yourself,” Daniels tells Handsomus as he grabs Kenjiro by his collar and lifts him. Daniels REARS BACK and SLAMS A FUCKING HUGE HEADBUTT that NEARLY CRUSHES HIS FACE. He tosses Kenjiro out of the ring grabs McCoy by his hair.

Handsomus’ rolls out of the ring and gains his bearings as Daniels ties McCoy to the ring post with his own stolen black belt. McCoy hangs there limply as Daniels begins BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF HIM LIKE A PUNCHING BAG!

“DADDY!” Thomas shouts! Kenjiro looks from the apron to see his partner getting the shit beat out of him.

“You’re a disgrace to the FTUW,” Daniels scowls at him, “You don’t even deserve to be in the ring with me.” Saying that, DANIELS SLAMS a KNEE INTO HIS FUCKING FACE, causing him to spit up a few TEETH. Then he alternates with hooks to the ribs, making sure to CAUSE SOME INTERNAL BLEEDING.

J.R.: Daniels is beating the tar out of a man who, let’s face it, isn’t fit to be in the ring. With Kenjiro and McCoy teaming up, I think Handsomus would have lost, but how soon we forgot that Daniels has been ready to go this whole time. I think Toity wanted Kenjiro to be beaten to death but McCoy is the one reserving that fate!

W.W.: Who cares! I’m not even excited to see McCoy die! He’s about as important as any of those dicks in the crowd that were murdered in the last match.

Jack “Jim Beam” Daniels pulls a bottle of Ultrahol from his pocket and downs it, feeling the effects once more now that he’s lost his powers. He throws more hooks, punches, knees, elbows, and head butts to the unconscious McCoy.

J.R.: Just end it, Daniels! Pin him!

Kanzaki Kenjiro LEAPS INTO THE RING and tries for a SERIES OF KICKS and PUNCHES but Daniels BLOCKS THE ATTACKS and BASHES the weakened Kenjiro with an elbow. Stumbling, Kenjiro takes the full force of an uppercut from that Daniels that sends him toppling over the ropes. Daniels unzips his pants and yanks out his DICK AND BEGINS PISSING ALL OVER ROBERT MCCOY. MCCOY LETS OUT A WHIMPER IN SHAME.

W.W.: Hahaha! Did I ever tell you that Daniels is one of my favorite wrestlers, Jim?

J.R.: This is just despicable! A disgrace!

Lucifer: Daniels is just letting off a little steam. He’s been stressed out as of late.

Daniels yanks out a lighter from his pocket and ignites a flame.

J.R.: He’s going to BURN HIM TO DEATH! His piss is no doubt saturated with Ultrahol! It’s as flammable as gasoline!

Daniels raises his LIGHTER ABOVE HIS HEAD until a HAND SNATCHES AT HIS WRIST. HIS HEAD BOLTS TO SEE HANDSOMUS R. AWESOME, STARING AT HIM WITH HIS WHITE, GLOWING EYES.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Daniels remarks.

“It’s over. He’s beaten near to death. Let’s just end this.”

“Why do you give a shit? He’s a fucking waste of life! A glorified jobber! He shouldn’t be in OUR MATCH! He’s not on OUR LEVEL!”

“It doesn’t matter, he’s a human being. He doesn’t deserve to be murdered for no reason.”

“Pft! He needs to be crushed. We need to set an example for Toity. Aren’t you a little angry that in our return match that we are sitting here, dealing with some Saketumi-wannabe rookie and gutter-feeding trash? We’re FTUW’s stars!”

“There’s something … different about you,” Handsomus replies, “You’ve changed.”

Daniels JERKS HIS HAND AWAY and BRINGS THE LIGHTER TO MCCOY. The LIGHTER BURSTS in his hand, RAWKA CRACKLING IN HIS HAND. Daniels leans over and gives HANDSOMUS A BIZARRE LOOK. A GRIN FORMS ON HIS FACE.

“SO YOU WANNA FIGHT?” Daniels smiles, “I’ve never faced the ‘GREAT HANDSOMUS R. AWESOME’ before. Maybe this will be fun!”

Handsomus pulls out another pair of aviator sunglasses and places them over his eyes. Instantly, THEY CLOCK EACH OTHER WITH MASSIVE BLOWS!

W.W.: WHAT THE FUCK?!

J.R.: THEY’VE TURNED ON ONE ANOTHER! Daniels Vs. Handsomus right here in this RING!

The referee doesn’t know what to do so HE DUCKS OUT OF THE RING as the TWO STAND THERE, CLOCKING EACH OTHER OVER AND OVER. Daniels gets the upper hand eventually with Handsomus still injured from the COMBO ATTACKS from Kenjiro and McCoy. Handsomus stumbles backwards and DANIELS nails a FLAMELESS HELLFIRE PUNCH that KNOCKS Handsomus on his head.

“YOU’RE NOT SO TOUGH!” Daniels SHOUTS, STOMPING HANDSOMUS’ FUCKING FACE into the ground. He begins grinding his face into the mat with his boot but AWESOME grips him by the ankle and SWINGS HIM into a TURNBUCKLE, CRACKING HIS FACE ONTO A RING POST. Daniels stands up with a CRACKED FACE, a SLASH coming from the right side of his forehead, trailing across his nose, and down onto the left side of his chin DONNING HIS VISAGE. Blood spills from it and Daniels brings his LIGHTER TO THE CRIMSON, IGNITING IT AND SETTING HIS FACE ON FIRE! Handsomus stands stunned as DANIELS SEEMS TO HAVE LOST HIS GODDAMNED MIND. DANIELS CHARGES FORWARD WITH HIS BURNING FACE AND BEGINS HITTING HANDSOMUS WITH FLAMING FUCKING HEADBUTTS!

J.R.: BAH GAWD! HIS HEAD IS ON FIRE AND HE’S- BAH GAWD!

Lucifer: Creative.

“SOUR MASHER!!” DANIELS SCREAMS, GRIPPING HANDSOMUS AND FLIPPING BACK TO DELIVER A VICIOUS PILEDRIVER! Daniels stumbles from the BLOOD LOSS but still has enough strength to NAIL HANDSOMUS with a FIELD GOAL KICK and sends him ROLLING OUT OF THE RING. Jack “Jim Beam” Daniels tunrs back to McCoy who is still hanging on the ring post. Both Kenjiro and Handsomus are too incapacitated to stop him.

“Let’s finish this!” Daniels cracks his knuckles, “IT’S OVER!!”

Lucifer: That’s how you do it.

DANIELS REARS BACK FOR HIS HELLFIRE PUNCH. HE THROWS IT AND THE THICK SOUND OF FLESH SLAPPING AND BONE CRUNCHING RESONATES THROUGH THE ARENA!

J.R.: WHAT THE FUCK?!

W.W: SHIIITT!!

Shift-Click this link.

DANIELS TREMBLES WHEN HE SEES THAT HIS HELLFIRE PUNCH WAS SHITFUCKING *CAUGHT* BY ROBERT GODDAMNED MCCOY! MCCOY’S HAND, WHICH IS NOW BLEEDING AND BROKEN FROM THE FEARSOME PUNCH, REFUSES TO LET GO. DANIELS LIP QUIVERS SLIGHTLY UPON REALIZATION OF WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING. GODDAMNED ROBERT MCCOY LOOKS THE FUCK UP, HIS FACE COVERED IN CUTS AND BRUISES AND DRENCHED IN BLOOD, WITH A SMILE ON HIS FACE!

“You think … with all these fans watching, with all these guys trying to save me … with MY SON WATCHING THAT I’D JUST LIE DOWN AND TAKE THIS?!”

ROBERT MCCOY SPRINGS OFF THE FUCKING TURNBUCKLE AND FIRES BACK, DECKING THE SURPRISED DANIELS WITH A PUNCH THAT COMBINES HIS ENTIRE KNOWLEDGE OF TAE KWON DO (a martial art primarily focusing on kicks) INTO ONE ATTACK! THE BLOW DANIELS SKIDS BACK ONTO HIS FEET BEFORE TRIPPING AND FALLING ON HIS ASS. DANIELS IS JUST AS FUCKING SURPRISED AS EVERYONE WHEN HE FINDS HIS NOSE IS BROKEN AND A TOOTH IS LOOSE!

W.W.: FUUUCKK!!

Lucifer: What is … this shit?

J.R.: BAH GAWD! BAH GAWD! ROBERT MCCOY IS STILL FIGHTING! HE'S STILL FUCKING FIGHTING!

ROBERT MCCOY STANDS THERE IN BLOOD-SOAKED AND TATTERED FUCKING GI AND TAKES THE BLACK BELT AROUND HIS NECK AND TIES IT AROUND HIS WAIST (A REALLY COOL CAMERA ANGLE IS USED FOR THIS PART). HIS SON CHARGES TO THE GUARD RAIL AND SCREAMS IN SUPPORT! Even Cheryl takes her mouth off Rod’s cock long enough to notice the man she divorced standing up in the face of incredible adversity.

”AS A MAN, I WON’T LET YOU DEFEAT ME!” MCCOY POINTS TO DANIELS WHO IS FUCKING CONVULSING IN RAGE!

“You … SON OF A BITCH!” DANIELS STANDS UP AND FLEXES, HIS COAT BURSTING OFF HIS TRIPLE H-ESQUE PHYSIQUE.

W.W.: FUCK! MCCOY IS … FUCK!

As DANIELS CHARGES FORWARD, MCCOY MAINTAINS A PEACEFUL, SERENE STATE. DANIELS THROWS A PUNCH AND MCCOY LETS IT GLIDE PAST HIS FACE. NOW OPEN, HE CLOCKS THE ENRAGED DANIELS WITH AN AXE KICK, SENDING HIM TO HIS KNEES!

J.R.: HE HIT HIM! AGAIN! SHIT!

“FUUUCK!!” DANIELS SCREAMS, SLAMMING HIS FISTS INTO THE MAT AND TEARING HOLES INTO IT. Daniels throws a punch from his CROUCHED POSITION and MCCOY SPINS AROUND and NAILS THE SHIT OUT OF WITH A CRESCENT KICK. Daniels falls FACE FIRST INTO THE MAT AND BEGINS SCREAMING.

J.R.: DANIELS IS FRUSTRATED HE CAN’T HIT MCCOY! And that isn’t making matters better!

DANIELS GRABS THE RING ROPES AND TEARS THEM OUT OF THE GODDAMNED POSTS. HE SWINGS THE THING AT MCCOY WHO DUCKS IT. McCoy dodges the RING ROPE WHIP and sees he has to ATTACK NOW OR NEVER. He charges on his BUSTED LEG, blood squirting with each step.

“It’s gotta be now,” McCoy thinks to himself, “Even with this broken leg … I have to do that move one more time. I’ll lose the ability to walk forever, perhaps. They can’t re-attach the same leg twice. BUT I HAVE TO DO IT.”

McCoy turns in slow motion as DANIELS RING ROPE WHIPPING is slashing up the floor. The rope cuts through his shoulder but he doesn't stop charging. Sweat, blood, mat fiber, etc hang in the air as he turns to his son who’s cheering him on.

“For you … Thomas,” McCoy shouts, HIS EYES IGNITING WITH FIRE, “FLYING DRAGON KICK!!”

J.R.: HE’S DOING IT AGAIN! THAT MOVE HE USED ON HANDSOMUS AND THELDORRIN!!

ROBERT MCCOY LEAPS INTO THE FUCKING AIR AND STARTS SCREAMING.

“Bastard!” DANIELS SHOUTS AS THE FOOT OF MCCOY ZOOMS IN ON HIM, “NOT THIS TIME!”

DANIELS REACHES OUT TO GRAB HIS LEG BUT MCCOY’S FOOT SLAMS INTO HIS FACE!!

J.R.: BAH GAWD!! BAH GAWD!!

BUT THE FUCKING KICK STOPS SHORT! DANIELS IS DIGGING HIS FINGERS INTO MCCOY’S BATTERED LEG, STOPPING THE KICK FROM CONTINUING FURTHER! MCCOY’S JAW DROPS AS DANIELS SLAMS HIM INTO THE RING. JACK “JIM BEAM” DANIELS PUTS A FOOT ON ROBERT MCCOY’S STOMACH AND YANKS HIS FUCKING LEG CLEAR OFF!!

“DAAAADDDD!” THOMAS SCREAMS!

J.R.: HE TORE IT OFF! HE TORE IT OFF!

MCCOY FALLS ONTO THE GROUND, BLOOD SQUIRTING FROM HIS LEG, SCREAMING. HE TURNS HIS HEAD TO SEE HIS SON CRYING. MCCOY BEGINS TO CRY, TOO, AS DANIELS HURLS HIS LEG INTO THE CROWD.

“That bastard …” Kenjiro says leaning on the ring apron, “He’s gone mad.”

“T-Thomas …” McCoy begins to cry further. HE FLASHES BACK.

It was four years ago when he was still married to his wife, Cheryl. His son had come home covered in bruises. He had been bullied at school. Robert McCoy took his son to the bully’s house to straighten him out but when he knocked on the door his father answered. The situation reversed and it was McCoy who was asking for an apology.

It was that day when they were walking home together, Thomas turned to his father.

“You’re such a pussy.”

Ever since then he had lost respect for his father, until now.

“I can’t lose!” McCoy thinks to himself while sobbing, “I’ve came this far! I have to … I HAVE TO WIN FOR MY SON! I CAN’T SHAME HIM ANYMORE!”

“THOMAS!! THIS IS FOR YOU!!”

DANIELS PUNCHES MCCOY’S FACE SO GODDAMNED FUCKING HARD HIS HEAD IS BURIED *INSIDE* THE MAT. DANIELS PULLS HIS REMAINING LEG AND PINS HIM!

OOOONE!!


TWOOOO!!


THREEEE!! Daniels and Handsomus WIN!

W.W.: Daniels and Handsomus won and they nearly killed McCoy in the process.

Lucifer tosses off his headphones and adjusts his tie. Apparently he’s not happy that Daniels struggled a little against McCoy.

J.R.: McCoy almost … did it. He almost broke through and beat a FTUW superstar.

Daniels leaps out of the ring and the Whore rushes over to him. Handsomus stands there in front of those two, staring deep into Daniels.

“If you wanna fight … we’ll do it,” Daniels says, brushing past him.

Kenjiro and Bunzo rush over to McCoy and dig him out of the ring floor. EMTs rush to the ring as McCoy lies there, most of his bones broken and bleeding heavily. The EMTs put him on a stretcher and take him out of the ring, rolling him up the ramp. As he’s rushed up the entrance, Thomas dashes through the crowd screaming to his father.

“Daddy!” he shouts to McCoy who weakly turns to him, “Daddy! You fought … like a true champion!”

McCoy smiles and brings his broken arm and struggles to give him a THUMBS UP.
Yogurtman
Odin
Joined: 03 Jan 2007
Posts: 2248
(Tue Feb 20, 2007 12:29 am)
Reply

Post     Re: FTUW'S ANAL HEMORRHAGE: GAY SEX IS A NIGHTMARE! (#15)

JR: Well what a night we’ve had but it’s not over yet!

WW: You’ve got that correct JAY ARRR. Up next is American hero the Ant King defending his Americanized Non-American Title against former Zombie king, Hard Rok’. However, this won’t be just ANY match!

JR: It never is here in the FTUDUBYAH!

WW: High above the ring you’ll notice the FTUW Non-American title overlooking the world and keeping it safe from itself. Both combatants will fight their way up there to claim superiority by way of ROBOT STAIRS!

The ring splits in two as an enormous escalator rises up towering over even the fans in the nosebleed sections, who are relatively close to the ring but payed for seating that automatically punches them in the face with robot arms for the duration of the show.

WW: It’s the first ever FTUW “Stairway to Heaven” match!

JR: Well let’s get right to it!

Brian Lightning stands in the ring beside the massive staircase that has made its presence known to the FTUW crowd. He stands with one arm behind his back and brings the mic close to his mouth.

Brian Lightning: Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome our very special guest ring announcer, Michael Landon!

Michael Landon: Well it’s been a long trip hitchhiking my way back to the world of the living but it was worth it to be here tonight! Enjoy the match!

Michael Landon fades away into the air. Ant King’s music starts playing and the entire Ant King posse steps forth like the cocks of the walk.

Brian Lightning: Introducing first, The FTUW Non-American title CHAMPEEEEEEEEN….THE ANT KINGGG!!

Thunderous applause mixed with some vicious boos as Ant King, Piccolo, Miss Cleo, Krillian, Sheperd Smith, and Burt Reynolds make their way to the ring. The rest of the posse stops around the apron as Ant King jumps into the squared circle with giant stairs coming out of it. Ant King pulls out his M-16 and fires several hundred rounds into the air in pre-celebration of what he perceives as an easy victory!

Brian Lightning: And Introd-

The Ant King grabs the mic from Lightning

Ant King: GET YOUR FUCKING ASS OUR HERE SOFT COK!! I’m ITCHING TO BE SLAP (BITCHIN) YOU AND RAPING YOUR HO HARD WITH MY PERTRUSIVE COCK!!!!

Ant King throws the mic down and the speakers give off a last thud before they switch to Hard Rok’s entrance music. The audience cheers as the now full fledged face Hard Rok’ walks out to the ring with his trainer Raven and lover Gigi in tow. Hard Rok’ looks determined as he exchanges some unknown last minute words with Raven and Gigi. As he approaches the ring Ant King jumps on the top turn buckle and leaps at Hard Rok before the bell can even ring! Raven pulls a steel chair out of his vest pocket and throws it to Hard Rok! With a thunderous crash The Ant King is met with a level 1 chair shot to the head and knocked out of the air!

JR: This match is underway and there’s no need for a ref since the only way to win is to get ahold of that title first!

Ant King’s posse rushes to his aid but Ant King gets to his feet and throws a hand up signaling them to stop! “I’ll handle this trash myself!” Ant King shouts before turning to Hard Rok. Hard Rok wastes no time running at The Ant King and ducking a clothesline! As he ducks Hard Rok does a forward handstand flip grabbing another steel chair off the ground! The ant King reaches over the guardrail and picks up a fan sitting in his Steel chair and twists the metal legs around the waste locking the terrified fan into his seat! Ant King swings the chair/fan overhead at Hard Rok who just barely manages to dart backwards! The fan explodes into retarded amounts of blood as he is flattened against the concrete!

WW: Another satisfied customer

JR: Bah gawd, the Ant King is ruthless! He truly has no respect for human life!

From behind the Ant King feels a sharp object stab against his head! Gigi has thrown a superkick while wearing gothy high heeled knee length boots! The Ant King spins around enraged and hurls the chair straight at Gigi! Hard Rok’ tries to run and intervene but Raven is already between Gigi and the chair! The chair crashes against Raven but sticks to his skin for some reason. Then the chair absorbs into him and reforms in his left hand! The Ant King doesn’t have much time to be puzzled as Hard Rok grabs him around the waste from behind! Hard Rok jumps launching them both into the air and toward the ring while spinning into a drilling german suplex!

JR: Formerly being able to fly gives Hard Rok an intimate knowledge of aerial maneuvers! Yeah!

Hard Rok is the first to get up though clearly both the wrestlers took a lot of damage from that maneuver. They now find themselves inside the ring next to the escalator. Hard Rok jumps onto the escalator and begins running up as Ant King begins to stir! Gigi cheers on her man but Raven looks concerned! A giant buzzsaw flies down the center of the escalator towards Hard Rok! Hard Rok is forced to jump off the escalator entirely to avoid being bisected and falls a good distance to the ground below!

WW: It’s not gonna be that easy, JR!

JR: Additional comment, Warrior!

The Ant King climbs up onto the escalator himself and finds the buzzsaw coming for him just like when Hard Rok got on! Ant King screams while throwing left and right hooks wildly at the air! Just before hitting him the Ant King manages to punch the buzzsaw and make it flip out and fly off its guider! It tears through the air and slices through a ton of lighting fixtures which of course crash onto the fans below! Not too many fans are killed by the fixtures themselves but everyone in the vicinity is instantly killed when the FTUW officials spray the area with a firehouse electrocuting them all.

The Ant King runs up the massive escalator with Hard Rok just now back to his feet and rushing to catch up! Hard Rok grabs a chair out of midair and jumps into the air landing in a sitting position on the chair which grinds up the railings of the escalator somehow at great speeds! The Ant King looks back and sees Hard Rok coming but just smiles! With a karate chop the Ant King severs the belt on the handrail and grabs it yanking it up violently! The force of this makes Hard Rok’s chair fly off the guardrail and fall helplessly to the ground!

Raven: NO!

Gigi: EEK!

JR: He’s doomed falling from that height! It’s all over for Hard Rok!!

Raven looks at Gigi who looks back and nods. Contorting her body she forms her torso and legs into a squarish shape with her two arms sticking straight out! Raven grabs her by the arms and uses her to chair do a level 2 chairshot to Hard Rok just as he’s about to hit the ground! The force of the shot sends him flying upwards toward The Ant King who is almost to the belt! The Ant King reaches out to grab the belt when two hoses appear out of the sides of the conveyer belt and being shooting glowing green acid at him! The Ant King ducks and covers as the conveyer belt is corroded!

Ant King: TOXIC WASTE!! YOU FUCKERS!!

The Ant King grabs one of the hoses and inadvertently shoots the belt with radioactive acid covering it in ooze! The Ant King shouts NOOOOOO as he lunges for his belt! Just before he reaches it though Hard Rok smacks the belt with a chair knocking it into the chair at insane veloCITIESSSS!!!

JR: Hard Rok just knocked the belt aside to keep Ant King from touching it and claiming victory!!
WW: BUT LOOOOOOK!!!!!

THE WARRIOR POINTS DRAMATICALLY AT WHERE THE BELT IS LANDING! A pregnant woman looks up from her magazine of baby crap to see the belt hurdling straight for her! Her husband excitedly cheers and holds her in place!! The belt slams into her chest imbedding itself into her! The husband is so torn apart by the reverse prospects of being on TV and seeing his pregnant wife killed that he grabs his own legs and somehow tears himself in half from ass to head! The belt oozes into the pregnant corpse and her stomach begins to glow!

JR: WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!?

The lady starts levitating and puking up toxic slime before her entire lowerhalf explodes into an acidic bloodbath covering the fans surrounding her and eating away at their flesh! Out of the pile of gore crawls a creature with a face of solid gold and spikes and two enormous arms entirely made out of leather! The creature lets out an ungodly screech before hurling itself into the crowd! Ant King and Hard Rok look on from the top of the escalator in stunned silence as the creature tears apart dozens of people in the crowd in a rampage! After eating the heart of Henry Smith, kiting enthusiast, the creature’s arms expand into wings and it takes off!

WW: OH MY GOD, The Non-American Title has turned into some kind of radioactive creature!!!

The monster flies upwards past Ant King and Hard Rok who can only manage to look on as it crashes through the ceiling of the arena and disappears! Those in the crowd who aren’t covered in acid or being electrocuted are in stunned gasps of awe as Ant King and Hard Rok finally seem to wake up from their trance!

Ant King: MY MOTHERUFCKING BELT!!! GET THE ANTCHOPPER!!! FUCKING GO AFTER IT NOW!!!

Krillan: I’m on it!!!

Krillian hits a button that makes a giant helicopter with the Ant King’s face on the front crash through the ceiling of the arena! Ant King and his entire posse get on and fly off after the title as Hard Rok runs back down to Raven and Gigi! The three of them jump into a dunebuggy that was somehow unnoticed until now and drive off in the same direction crashing through fans and the wall of the arena!

JR: UH well…um……I guess this is going to be called a no contest for now.

WW: This seems like a good time to talk about Stacker 3s! Lose weight instantly as Stacker 3s actually increases your metabolism to dangerous levels…

The Warrior trails off from his plug as FTUW officials scramble to repair the damage and get a new ring ready to roll.

J.R.: Well, that was an interesting match to say the least. How do you suppose the Non-American championship turned into a monster and flew away?

W.W.: It’s the FTU-FUCKIN’-W, J.R.! Anything can happen!

J.R.: Good enough for me. Now we are coming to the match that all you folks have been waiting for! Guan Fei’s first title defense against former champion Goldman! Guan Fei recently attained the prize that champions such as Handsomus R. Awesome, Theldorrin XIV, Rakkyu Saketumi, and Moloch Arschloch have achieved. Will he be able to retain his belt or will Goldman take back the gold he covets!

W.W.: And that’s not all, Jim! Listen to this shit. We’ve got a new match type specifically designed for this bout. DEATH TRAIN TO AUSCHWITZ!

J.R.: Jesus Christ.

W.W.: Indeed, Jim. Although we really couldn’t get the real Auschwitz, the FTUW Creative Design team has built a new one that our train will be rocketing towards at over 100 mph.

J.R.: I really don’t know how we don’t get sued more often.

W.W.: Actually, McHarris chose to deal with most Jewish anti-defamation groups by arm wrestling their lawyers. Nowadays people are little less concerned with political correctness as a 1/30th of the U.S. population is dead from events related to our little federation.

J.R.: I guess you’re right. Now, let’s get onto the match!

Inside the Thunderdome, we see the ring SPLIT OPEN and fold away to reveal a RAILROAD TRACK. The wall opens up and the railroad track exits out into the ocean. A gigantic, black bullet train covered in spikes and barbed wire is lowered from the ceiling onto the track.

J.R.: Our competitors will duke it out from car to car, hoping to reach the coveted FTUW Championship title in the last car. Once the title is removed from its pedestal, the car will lock itself up in TEN SECONDS, sending whoever’s trapped inside to Neo Auschwitz! Like with all our matches, Hoity von Toity promises a few surprises during the trip, most likely involving explosions.

W.W.: This is going to be fucking awesome. Either Guan Fei or Goldman could be dead at the end of this match. OR BOTH! I’m excited despite the fact I’m about to watch an athletic event between a Chinaman and a Jew.

The Jewish Giant (for a Jew) Goldman and the Minister of Beards, K’unt-Smak, raise out of the ground on slow-rising platforms while smoke blows in their faces.

J.R.: And our two warriors our here!

W.W.: There’s only one Warrior, J.R.

J.R.: Right, right. Anyway, Guan Fei and Goldman have arrived for their match and the crowd is going nuts. The ever popular Goldman’s name is being chanted throughout the arena but Guan Fei fans-

W.W.: Sometimes called zipperheads.

J.R.: No, they aren’t called that. Guan Fei fans are fighting back with chants of their own. And a few of them are literally fighting back with broken beer bottles.

The doors slide open and both men enter the DEATH TRAIN. The two combatants stare each other down, gazing at each other’s beards, looking for imperfections. The robed fighters step forward and butt heads, continuing to STARE DOWN AT AN EVEN CLOSER PROXIMITY.

“These new eyes can stare deep into your soul, feygele!” Goldman says to Guan Fei.

The doors slam shut and ROCKET BOOSTERS on the back of the car ignite, melting away a section of the audience.

J.R.: Here we go, folks!

The two men begin BEATING the shit out of each other in the train car. Goldman takes Guan Fei and slams him headfirst into a pole. Guan Fei responds by kicking Goldman in the gut and sending him smashing his face through a window. Guan Fei takes the bent pole and yanks it out of the ground, beating the shit out of the prone Goldman who’s watching New York vanish into a blur. His eyes widen in horror as he notices the train, which is coasting over the ocean, is SLOWLY SUBMERGING ITSELF. He slams a FOOT into Guan Fei’s knee cap and yanks his head out of the window. Goldman yanks out his GOLDEN ROD and Guan Fei responds by bringing out KILLING THE DRAGON.

J.R.: The car is submerging into the ocean and with that window busted open, they’ll drown!

W.W.: What do you call a drowned Jew and Chinaman?

J.R.: This isn’t time for jokes, Warrior!

W.W.: Give me some names of Chinese soups.

Guan Fei and Goldman clash weapons repeatedly, barely causing the other to budge. It is only when Guan Fei sees the WATER GUSHING INTO THE CAR behind Goldman he realizes what’s happening. Quickly, GUAN FEI TAKES HIS SPEAR and SWINGS IN A CIRCLE. IN A SECOND, THE OTHER HALF OF THE CAR FALLS OFF AND GOLDMAN PLUMMETS INTO THE OCEAN!

J.R.: BAH GAWD! Guan Fei has already won it!

The man sometimes known as Mindblowingly Awesome Beard shoves a shoulder through his remaining half of the car and bursts into the next area. Shutting the door safely behind him, he smiles as he makes his way to victory.

Under the ocean Goldman floats with his golden rod. In anger, he tightens his fist curses in Hebrew. Looking at the train blasting away under water, he notices that the track makes a sharp turn. Bring his hands together to form the shape of the Star of David (somehow), he shouts “MUSO YAHWEH!” and time slows almost to a stop. Looking around, he finds his answer.

Inside the next car, Guan Fei sees a figure standing the shadows. “Goldman?!” he shouts but the figure doesn’t respond. The man reaches up and yanks the camera off the wall, cutting the feed to the FTUW.

J.R.: Something’s happening, folks. Just some technical difficulties. It’ll hopefully be fixed, soon.

Out of the shadows emerges none other than Sinclair Mohammed!

“You!” Guan Fei slams Killing the Dragon into the ground in anger. Sinclair Mohammed stretches his limbs while giving a big-lipped, toothy grin to Guan Fei.

“Da boss be thinkin’ he don’t want you to keep the title! He want you dead, mon!”

“Toity … you bastard,” a scant few hairs on Guan Fei’s beard began to glow red, “Whatever fool he sets in front of me I shall cut down to retain what is most dearest to me … the FTUW Championship!”

“Let’s shuck and jive, mon!” Mohammed says before hitting the ground and spinning upside-down like a tornado. The rapid-fire kicks are blocked by Killing the Dragon but the repeated blows send the weapon from Guan Fei’s hand and behind Mohammed. Mohammed flies forward and slams FOOT after FOOT into Guan Fei’s chest, knocking the Minster of Beards into the train car’s door!

”Were my combos too much for you, mon?” Mohammed dances around the car, “Double Dread Kick!”

Sinclair spins on the air with his feet somehow on fire! The kicks crash down on Guan Fei which crumple the metal door behind him, threatening to rip it open and drown the two of them! Guan Fei reaches DEEP into his beard and hurls forward a handful of CHI-INFUSED BEARD HAIRS. Mohammed SHIELDS HIS EYES and the beard hairs fill his skin. “I gots to be protectin’ my pretty face!” he retorts with a grin.

SUDDENLY, A GIANT FUCKING SHARK BURSTS THROUGH THE GODDAMNED CAR AND BITES INTO SINCLAIR MOHAMMED’S FUCKING LEG! ON TOP OF THE SHARK IS GOLDMAN, HIS GOLDEN ROD SHOVED THROUGH THE EYE SOCKETS OF THE SHARK! HE USED THE ROD AS A FUCKING STEERING WHEEL!

“Goldman!” GUAN FEI SHOUTS as the HEBREW HERCULES LEAPS OFF THE SHARK, yanking his weapon out of the beast’s body and lets it CONVULSE and carry away Sinclair into the ocean. “A motherfuckin’ shark ate me, mon!” he screams as he’s dragged off INTO THE OCEAN DEPTHS.

The two fighters BEGIN SWIMMING THROUGH WATER TOWARDS THE NEXT CAR DOOR but FIND the DOOR CHANGING DIRECTION. They watch as THE CAR MOVES UPWARDS!

Choppers outside show the DEATH TRAIN BURSTING OUT OF THE OCEAN AND RIDING THE RAILS STRAIGHT UP INTO THE SKY. The camera catches the TWO FIGHTERS DUKING IT OUT via the giant HOLE in the side of the car! Goldman LEAPS UP and GRABS THE DOOR HANDLE, kicking GUAN FEI IN THE FACE TO GETHIM THE FUCK OFF HIM. He takes his ROD and the tip TRANSFORMS INTO A MENORAH. Aiming it at Guan Fei, he shouts “MIRACLE OF THE OIL!”

J.R.: Miracle of the Oil! He’s going to burn Guan Fei alive!

THE FLAMING LAMP OIL BURSTS FORTH and GUAN FEI has NO CHOICE but to LEAP OUT OF THE GIANT HOLE IN THE CAR. Goldman TWISTS the DOOR HANDLE and slowly climbs his way up.

W.W.: Guan Fei lost, right? There’s no way he can get back onto the train now!

J.R.: Well, that’s what we said about Goldman! Anyway, Goldman is now in the next train car and our feed can resume within the vehicle!

As he climbs his way through the next train car, he sees GUAN FEI’S FACE THROUGH THE WINDOW! Outside the train GUAN FEI IS DIGGING HIS FINGERS INTO THE STEEL AND KEEPING PACE! Guan Fei LEANS BACK and FUCKING HEADBUTTS GOLDMAN THROUGH THE GODDAMNED WINDOW!

J.R.: Bah Gawd!

Goldman reels back, dizzy, and sees the open door below that will drop him into the ocean if he falls. With no other way to FIGHT BACK, HE HEADBUTTS HIM BACK THROUGH THE WINDOW, the GLASS STUCK IN GOLDMAN’S FOREHEAD TEARING into GUAN FEI’S FUCKING FACE! THEY TRADE HEADBUTTS THROUGH THE WINDOW while desperately TRYING TO CLIMB UPWARDS!

Guan Fei continues to pummel GOLDMAN with HEADBUTTS, SLOWLY GAINING AN ADVANTAGE as Goldman seems to be losing consciousness. In a desperate effort, he leaps backwards and GRIPS the other side of the TRAIN CAR WALL. Taking his GOLDEN MENORAH STAFF, HE SPRAYS MORE FLAMING LAMP OIL AT GUAN FEI! Guan Fei SPRINGS UP LIKE A FROG, AVOIDING the LAMP OIL as it MELTS THROUGH THE STEEL. After dodging the attack, Guan Fei takes a moment to look up and see the TRAIN GOING COMPLETELY UPSIDE DOWN!

W.W.: WHAT THE FUCK?! IS THIS A ROLLERCOASTER?

Guan Fei hangs for DEAR LIFE, HIS FINGERS BLEEDING as they are DUG INTO THE STEEL, as the TRAIN IS NOW COMPLETELY UPSIDE DOWN. He looks below to see the STREETS OF NEW YORK, sure death if he were to fall. Goldman tumbles out of the car after the SUDDEN DIRECTION CHANGE and DESPERATELY GRABS ONTO GOLDMAN’S ROBE. As the train rockets down, Goldman clings to Guan Fei who clings to the train car.

J.R.: If Guan Fei can just kick Goldman off, he’s won! But if Guan Fei falls, they both die!

W.W.: FUCK YES!

Goldman FREES a fist from Guan Fei’s FANCY ROBE to begin UPPERCUTTING HIM IN THE NUTS. After five of these blows, he looks up to notice Guan Fei hasn’t been fazed!

“The beard on my balls is as strong as the one that flows from my chin!” Guan Fei laughs and KICKS GOLDMAN in the GODDAMNED FACE! As Goldman loses his GRIP, HE BEGINS TO FALL! However, a QUICK TWIST ON THE TRACK CAUSES GOLDMAN TO LAND FACE FIRST INTO THE TRAIN! He looks up to see Guan Fei kneeling in front of him!

Goldman collects his CHANNUKRA into his fists and executes a FLYING JEW JITSU PUNCH THINGY. The fist collides into Guan Fei’s teeth, sending him FLYING BACKWARDS IN THE AIR for a SECOND before the FORCE of the AIR RESISTANCE HURLS HIM BACK AT GOLDMAN! Using this momentum, he clotheslines the JEW off his feet. Guan Fei takes this opportunity to SPRING FORTH with his MASSIVE LEG MUSCLES, DEFORMING the STEEL BELOW HIM for the JADE SPEAR! However, the WIND at HIS FACE SEVERELY DULLS THE BLOW and GOLDMAN is BARELY KNOCKED DOWN.

J.R.: Guan Fei can’t do any damage while fighting against the wind!

Goldman STEPS IN EVER SO SLIGHTLY and throws a HOOK TO GUAN FEI’S RIBS. The diamond hands that Goldman possesses crack Fei’s bones, the speed at which he’s traveling increasing the strength of the BLOW SEVERAL FOLD. If a normal human tried a move like that he would have exploded his arm but with Goldman’s DIAMOND RODS built into his body, his frame can withstand using such attacks. Guan Fei VOMITS UP BLOOD with proceeds to fly back into his face.

J.R.: It keeps getting worse for GUAN FEI! Now he’s BLINDED!

But the TRAIN MOVES IN ANOTHER DIRECTION. AGAIN! Just when Goldman had the upperhand, the TRAIN PLUMMETS DOWN TOWARDS THE CITY, HEADING STRAIGHT FOR THE SUBWAY. As Goldman begins to float UPWARDS, GUAN FEI DIGS HIS FEET INTO THE STEEL and SPRINGS AT GOLDMAN, HIS MASSIVE LEGS BULGING! USING THIS FORCE, HE CONNECTS THE FUCKING JADE SPEAR IN MID-AIR!

J.R.: JADE SPEAR! JADE SPEAR! BAH GAWD, that’s gotta be it!

AS THEY CRASH DOWN, THE TRAIN LEVELS OUT WHEN IT REACHES THE STREET AND THE TWO PLUMMET BACK INTO THE TRAIN CAR! Civilians gawk at the massive titanium track and gigantic waste of money as the DEATH TRAIN RACES BY and ENTERS UNDERGROUND, the track running through a SUBWAY TUNNEL!

Guan Fei stumbles to his feet, GATHERING HIS BEARINGS. He looks at the incapacitated Goldman on the ground. Wasting no time, he shoulder charges through the door and enters the next train car. By his estimation, he’s almost to the belt!

As he steps through the door, GOLDMAN COLLIDES WITH HIM FROM BEHIND!

“Fuck you!” Goldman shouts, slamming Guan Fei’s face into the steel! Goldman stumbles around HOLDING HIS BODY, blood dribbling from lacerations all over his body. As he attempts to STUMBLE forward towards the NEXT CAR, GUAN FEI GRABS HIS ANKLE and yanks him off his feet! Knowing that they simply can’t race to the belt, they stand their ground and decide to FIGHT IT OUT!

Guan Fei slams his feet into the ground and begins POWERING UP! With a “GrrraaaaAAARGH!” THAT SLOWLY GROWS IN VOLUME, HAIR AFTER HAIR ON HIS BEARD TURN A GLOWING RED! Goldman, in return, FLOWS CHANNUKRA THROUGHOUT AND AROUND HIS BODY, WARPING THE AIR.

“Let’s finish this!” Guan Fei shouts! Goldman grunts in manly agreement.

THE TWO CHARGE HEAD FIRST AND SLAM FIST INTO FIST! GUAN FEI’S HAND CRACKS AND SPLURTS BLOOD AS THE DIAMOND CRACKS HIS BONE! However, GUAN FEI PLANNED FOR THIS AND WAS USING THE BRIEF REPRIEVE BETWEEN ATTACKS TO WHIP HIS BEARD INTO GOLDMAN’S FACE! THE NEEDLES FILL HIS FACE WITH A HUNDRED BLOODY DOTS, PIERCING HIS EYEBALLS EVEN but MISSING THE PUPIL! The VIOLENT SLUGFEST continues as GUAN FEI DOES HIS BEST to DULL THE BLOWS OF GOLDMAN with his THICK, POWERFUL BEARD!

J.R.: They are pulling out all stops, folks! This is where the match is gonna end! I can feel it!

Guan Fei WHIPS his FIERY BEARD HORIZONTALLY, slashing open metal and breaking the glass in the car. Goldman DUCKS the ATTACK, his WIDE-BRIMMED HAT that has magically stayed on this entire match, is cut in half and the JEW HAMMERS in RETRIBUTION with his DIAMOND FISTS on the KIDNEYS of GUAN FEI! Guan Fei spits up blood but hits a SPIKING ELBOW on Goldman’s skull, sending him to the floor. Guan Fei immediately tries to PUT HIM IN THE LION TAMER, determined to BREAK THE BACK he’s already damaged with the JADE SPEAR. Goldman’s NEW EYES begin to BULGE OUT OF HIS HEAD, veins all over his body appearing as GUAN FEI PUTS A LOT OF PRESSURE ON HIS TORSO. But GOLDMAN puts even MORE PRESSURE BY PUSHING UP! Using the small WINDOW of MOVEMENT HE HAS CREATED HE SLIPS UNDERNEATH GUAN FEI’S LEGS! Now, he uses his DAMAGED BACK MUSCLES TO FLIP UP and HITS A FACEBUSTER INTO THE STEEL!

J.R.: Amazing technical prowess from Goldman!

Taking the WOUNDED GUAN FEI up by his legs in the POWERBOMB POSITION, HE LEAPS INTO THE AIR!

J.R.: MATZOCHRE! NO!

Guan Fei USES HIS POWERFUL UPPERBODY to PREVENT HIS HEAD from CRASHING STRAIGHT into the STEEL! In a fury, Goldman takes GUAN FEI AND SLAMS HIM INTO THE SIDE OF THE TRAIN CAR! He then PULLS HIM BACK AND SWINGS HIM AGAIN INTO THE WALL! AND AGAIN! LIKE A BASEBALL BAT, GOLDMAN IS BASHING GUAN FEI INTO THE STEEL OVER AND OVER!

W.W.: FUCKING YES!

As Guan Fei is buried in the battered metal, GOLDMAN YANKS BACK HIS FIST! Fei dodges the attack and Goldman bores through the metal, tearing open a hole in the wall. Outside Goldman can see a passing SUBWAY TRAIN. This look gets a little too close for COMFORT when GUAN FEI TACKLES HIM FROM BEHIND, SENDING HIM
INTO THE TRAIN ITSELF!

J.R.: BAH GAWD! BAH GAWD!

GOLDMAN SLAMS HIS DIAMOND HANDS INTO THE TRAIN CAR, SPEWING SPARKS GENEROUSLY AS THE STEEL IS SHREDDED AND THE GLASS WINDOWS BREAK. GUAN FEI KICKS AT THE BACK OF GOLDMAN’S LEGS, TRYING TO BREAK HIS BALANCE TO NO AVAIL! WITH ONE FINAL BURST, GUAN FEI PUSHES GOLDMAN SO HARD HIS HANDS PENETRATE *THROUGH* THE CAR! AS GOLDMAN FALLS FORWARD, GUAN FEI SCREAMS AND SLAMS HIS FACE HEADFIRST INTO THE SUBWAY CAR!

W.W.: BAJAAFSDKLHN!!

J.R.: BAH GAWD!! HE’S GOING TO TEAR HIS FUCKING FACE OFF!!

:”GRAAAAAARGH!!” GOLDMAN SCREAMS AS HIS FACE IS SHREDDED BY THE STEEL. BLOOD TRAILS FROM HIS HEAD AS GUAN FEI IS DETERMINED TO LIQUIFY HIS SKULL! GOLDMAN JERKS BACK A HAND AND GRABS HIS OWN TRAIN CAR, GRIPPING THE STEEL TIGHTLY. HE TAKES THE OTHER ARM AND ELBOWS FEI IN THE FACE! Fei stumbles back and sees THE FUCKING PISSED OFF GOLDMAN IN FRONT OF HIM, HIS FACE TORN OFF AND THE MUSCLE UNDERNEATH CLEARLY VISIBLE!

W.W.: HE TORE HIS FUCKING FACE OFF!

J.R.: I can’t … I … BAH GAWD!!

GOLDMAN IMMEDIATELY GRABS GUAN FEI BY THE THROAT AND JAMS HIS DIAMOND THUMBS INTO GUAN FEI’S NECK! ALTHOUGH HIS NECK IS EXTREMELY DURABLE, THE THUMBS PENETRATE AND BLOOD BEGINS GUSHING. GOLDMAN HAS TOTALLY LOST IT, HIS WHITE EYES STANDING OUT ON THE SEA OF BLOOD THAT IS HIS FACE. HIS JEW NOSE HAS EVEN BEEN SHAVED DOWN.

GUAN FEI STAMPS HIS FEET, KNEES HIM IN THE BALLS, PUNCHES, CLAWS, SCRATCHES, EVERYTHING BUT GOLDMAN DOESN’T MOVE. AS THE THUMB BEGINS TO REACH THE ARTERY, GOLDMAN HAS ONLY ONE LAST RESORT.

GOLDMAN’S EYE SOCKET OPENS TO REVEAL A SMALL ARROW! Flexing his INCREDIBLY TONED EYE SOCKET MUSCLES, HE FIRES OFF THE ARROW STRAIGHT FOR GOLDMAN!

THE ARROW SLAMS INTO GOLDMAN’S MEATY CHEEK AND JUST STOPS THERE. GOLDMAN DOESN’T REACT. AS GUAN FEI BEGINS TO LOSE CONSCIOUSNESS, GOLDMAN HURLS HIM TOWARDS THE HOLE. GUAN FEI WEAKLY GRIPS THE SIDE OF THE HOLE BUT A LUNGING PUNCH KNOCKS HIM CLEAR OUT OF THE FUCKING CAR, SENDING HIM THROUGH ANOTHER PASSING SUBWAY CAR.

J.R.: BAH GAWD! AND GUAN FEI IS OUT OF THE MATCH, maybe.

W.W.: Probably not.

J.R.: Probably not.

Random passengers gathered around the bloody Chinese guy lying in the subway train. His black beard BEGINS TO FLOAT GENTLY AS IT TURNS A BRIGHT RED, A GROAN OF ANGER SLOWLY GROWING VOLUME ACCOMPANYING THE FOLICLE TRANSFORMATION.

“YOU BASTARD!” GUAN FEI CURSES.

Goldman lips into the next train car. Upon entering it, he can see through the window of the door at the other end. The following car is the last car. The FTUW Championship is in sight. Surrounding Goldman is a sign hanging from the ceiling that says “Congratulations” and a small buffet including champagne. Goldman ignores the food and continues forward until he senses something OMINOUS.

“Come out!” Goldman shouts!

A refrigerator in the corner of the room slowly opens. A head slowly peaks out, his white eyes contrasting against his dark red skin. The cold gaze pierces deep into Goldman as Chief Fisting Falcon climbs out.

J.R.: Chief Fisting Falcon! What is one of Toity’s henchmen doing here?!

W.W.: Maybe this is one of those “surprises” he’s mentioned!

“Who are you?!” Goldman shouts.

“I was expecting Guan Fei …” Chief Fisting Falcon cracks his neck, “But you’ll be my opponent!”

“Pft!” Goldman retorts, turning to the door. He tries the handle but it won’t budge. He doesn’t have to look but behind him Chief Fisting Falcon raises a key. Goldman sighs and SLAMS A DIAMOND FIST INTO THE DOOR. It hardly dents.

“That train car … is reinforced with triple titanium. There’s no way you can penetrate it.”

He crashes a fist into the window which reveals to just be a television screen broadcasting an image. With no choice left, he turns to Chief Fisting Falcon.

J.R.: If Goldman can get that key, he’ll have this match won!

GOLDMAN SUDDENLY LOSES HIS COOL and LUNGES STRAIGHT FOR CHIEF FISTING FALCON! Falcon CATCHES THE FIST and TOSSES HIM THROUGH THE BUFFET TABLE WITH A SINGLE MOVE! As GOLDMAN is laying in the broken bottles of champagne and appetizers, FALCON slams a MIGHTY PALM deep into HIS CHEST! GOLDMAN SPITS UP BLOOD as the indentation of his hand is left buried in his body.

“Hmph! That should’ve killed you,” Falcon remarks, “I heard that body hair of yours acts as an armor of sorts.”

GOLDMAN CLENCHES HIS FISTS AND LETS OUT A PIERCING SHOUT.

“Your scream sounds like a pathetic war cry!” Falcon retorts. Goldman slams his FISTS into the TRAIN CAR FLOOR, PROPELLING HIM TO HIS FEET AND SLAMMING A BLOODY HEADBUTT INTO FALCON’S SKULL!

J.R.: BAH GAWD! HE HEADBUTTED WITHOUT A FACE!

W.W.: I wonder if Goldman is going to get someone’s else face, too.

BLINDED BY THE BLOOD, FALCON STUMBLES INTO THE WALL. ALTHOUGH HE CAN’T SEE THE ATTACK, HE CAN FUCKING FEEL HIS BODY BEING JACKHAMMERED WITH A FLURRY OF FISTS. HE HURLS ANOTHER VIOLENT PALM INTO GOLDMAN’S FACE, SENDING HIM CAREENING INTO THE WALL AND SPLATTERING BITS OF BLOOD ALL AROUND THE TRAIN CAR!

“STORM HAMMER!” GOLDMAN A KNIFE EDGED CHOP TO THE SHOULDER THAT CUTS HIM OPEN! As FALCON STANDS OVER THE SEVERELY INJURED GOLDMAN, HE RAISES HIS ARMS IN A VICTORY POSE.

“My totem is too great for your desperate fighting techniques!” Falcon says, RAISING HIS PALM AGAIN! A BURST OF WHITE LIGHT STOPS HIM AS IT FLASHES INTO THE CAR. Falcon looks outside to see the train coursing along its track through THE STREETS OF NEW YORK CITY.

People watch in awe as the DEATH TRAIN BLASTS BY. A few dozen yards in front of the DEATH, between the RAILS OF THE TRACK, is a manhole. The manhole cover begins to rattle along the cover as the TRAIN GETS CLOSER. Underneath it is a fucking pissed Guan Fei riding on top of the SUBWAY CAR!

FALCON IS NEARLY CLEAVED IN HALF WHEN GUAN FEI BURSTS THROUGH THE BOTTOM OF THE TRAIN, JADE SPEARING AND SENDING HIM THROUGH THE ASSFUCKING ROOF! THE KEY RATTLES ALONG THE GROUND OF THE CAR AS FALCON IS SENT FLYING, HITTING THE TRAIN CAR AND BOUNCING AND ROLLING AT HIGH SPEEDS UNTIL VANISHING INTO THE DISTANCE.

J.R.: GUAN FEI IS BACK AND HE TOOK OUT FALCON IN ONE FELL MOVE!

W.W.: THIS IS IT! FOR REALLY REAL THIS TIME!

GUAN FEI AND GOLDMAN STANDING FACING OFF FOR THE LAST TIME THIS MATCH, BOTH OF THEIR BODIES WORN TO THE LIMITS! Goldman crouches down and picks up the key and placing it in his robe.

“The door is to your back,” Goldman mutters, “The key is in my possession. Let’s end this.”

THE TWO BEGIN DOING WHAT THEY’VE BEEN DOING THE WHOLE MATCH, BEATING THE FUCKING SHIT OUT OF EACH OTHER. OUTSIDE THE TRAIN, THE TRACK BEGINS TO ASCEND BACK INTO THE AIR. IN THE DISTANCE THE RAIL LEADS TO NONE OTHER THAN THE STATUE OF LIBERTY. BEHIND THE STATUE IS THE MAN-MADE ISLAND THAT CONTAINS NEO AUSCHWITZ.

AS THE TRAIN COURSES UP THE RAILS TOWARDS THE STATUE, GOLDMAN AND GUAN FEI ARE TRADING BLOWS ON TOP OF THE TRAIN. THE RAIL WRAPS AROUND THE STATUE REPEATEDLY, THE TRAIN CIRCLING THE THING AS IT’S SPLATTERED WITH THE TWO FIGHTERS’ BLOOD.

THE TWO GRAPPLE WHILE STANDING ON THE TOP OF THE TRAIN AND BEGIN TRYING TO MUSCLE THEIR WAY OUT. HARDER AND HARDER THEY STRAIN UNTIL IT FEELS LIKE THEIR MUSCLES ARE GOING TO SNAP.

SUDDENLY, IN THE FUCKING BACKGROUND THE NON-AMERICAN TITLE MONSTER APPEARS! IT CRASHES BETWEEN THE TWO FIGHTERS ON THE TRAIN, BLOOD DRIPPING FROM ITS GOLDEN FANGS!

W.W.: MOTHERFUCKING COCK SHIT!!

J.R.: BAH GAWD! IT’S THAT INEXPLICABLE NON-AMERICAN TITLE MONSTER AGAIN!

THE TITLE MONSTER IS RIDDLED WITH BULLETS AS THE FUCKING ANT CHOPPER APPEARS OUT OF NOWHERE WITH THE FUCKING ANT KING LEANING OUT THE SIDE!

“YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH MOTHER BITCHESSSSSSSSSSS!!” HE SCREAMS, FIRING ANOTHER WHOLE CLIP AT THE MONSTER!

“GET ‘EM, BOSS!” PICCOLO SHOUTS AS HE PILOTS THE CHOPPER.

DRIVING *UP* THE GODDAMNED STATUE OF LIBERTY IS HARD’ROK AND GIGI IN THEIR DUNEBUGGY! HARD’ROK’S ARM IS LEANING OUT THE SIDE, HIS STEEL CHAIR DRAGGING ALONG THE STONE! GIGI SLAMS HER FIST INTO A RED BUTTON AND ROCKETS IGNITE FROM THE BACK, SENDING THE DUNEBUGGY UP FASTER!

”Let’s do this!” HARD’ROK SAYS LEAPING OUT OF THE DUNEBUGGY CHAIR IN TOW! THE MOMENTUM PROPELS HIMSELF UPWARD AS THE ANT KING LEAPS OUT OF THE CHOPPER! THE TWO FLY IN MID-AIR, CLASH CHAIR TO AK-47, AND LAND ON TOP OF THE TRAIN!

W.W.: THE ANT KING! HARD’ROK! THEY’RE BOTH FUCKING HERE! SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT!

“THAT’S MINE!” ANT KING AND HARD’ROK SAY IN UNISON AS THEY POINT OUT AT THE FROTHING TITLE MONSTER! GUAN FEI AND GOLDMAN JUMP ON HARD’ROK AND ANT KING’S HEADS RESPECTIVELY AS USE THEM TO LEAP OFF. THE TWO COLLIDE IN MID-AIR! AS THEY LAND, THEY LAND ON TOP OF THE STATUE OF LIBERTY, THE TRAIN ROUNDING THE STATUE.

THE ANT KING and HARD’ROK use their RESPECTIVE WEAPONS TO TEAR AWAY AT THE MONSTER! As the Ant King blows him to chunks Hard’Rok TEARS through him with STEEL CHAIR SHOTS! Once the beast is dead and TURNED TO A PULP, they both stare at the remains. THEY KNOW WHAT THEY MUST DO.

CHOW DOWN!

ANT KING AND HARD’ROK BEGIN SHOVELING THE TITLE MONSTER’S CORPSE INTO THEIR MOUTHS, BOTH TRYING TO CLAIM THE BELT!

W.W.: Uh …

GOLDMAN CHARGES WITH ONE OF THE SPIKES ON THE STATUE OF LIBERTY’S CROWN, WHATEVER, AND ATTEMPTS TO SPEAR GUAN FEI! Guan Fei LEAPS, RUNS ALONG THE SPIKE, AND KICKS GOLDMAN IN THE NON-FACE! GOLDMAN slides along the top and sees THE TRAIN BEGINNING ITS DESCENT TOWARDS NEO AUSCHWITZ! THERE’S ONLY ONE CHANCE LEFT TO GET THE BELT!

W.W.: Wait, what happens if NEITHER of them get the belt?

THE ANT KING and HARD’ROK LAY ON THE TOP OF THE TRAIN, their stomachs DISTENDED.

J.R.: AND WHAT ABOUT THEM? THEY *BOTH* GOT THE BELT! So what does that make them?

W.W.: CO-CHAMPIONS, J.R.!

J.R.: Fuck.

GOLDMAN SKY DIVES OFF THE FUCKING STATUE OF LIBERTY AND MANAGES TO GRAB ONTO THE REAR OF THE TRAIN JUST AS IT LEAVES THE STATUE OF LIBERTY! GUAN FEI RUSHES TO THE EDGE AND SEES HIS CHANCE AT THE BELT SPEEDING AWAY AND CURSES. Then he looks at the metal spike that Goldman tried to impale him with him …

ANT KING leaps into the ANT CHOPPER and HARD’ROK hops back into the DUNEBUGGY, leaving the train as it closes in on its DESTINATION! The remaining train cars BEGIN DETACHING ITSELF FROM THE HEAD CAR, THE TITLE BELT CAR, AS GOLDMAN CHARGES ACROSS THEM. HE DESPERATELY LEAVES FROM ONE TO THE OTHER UNTIL FINALLY REACHING THE FINAL DOOR! Barely holding onto the train as THE GROUND BELOW HIM LOOKS LIKE A BLUR, he PUTS IN THE KEY and ENTERS THE FINAL TRAIN CAR SAFELY.

“The championship …” Goldman cries EXHAUSTED. He smashes the GLASS CASE in which the TITLE BELT SITS with his fist because, hey, what’s a few more cuts when you no longer have a face? As he reaches for the belt, HE HEARS A VALIANT WAR CRY!

“YEAAAAAAAAH!!” GUAN FEI SCREAMS AS HE *SURFS* THE MOTHERFUCKING METAL SPIKE DOWN THE RAILS. GOLDMAN’S EYES WIDEN IN HORROR BUT YOU CAN’T TELL BECAUSE HE HAS NO EYELIDS! THE FUCKING METAL SPIKE CRASHES THROUGH THE FINAL CAR AND PIERCES GOLDMAN, PINNING HIM AGAINST THE CAR!

J.R.: BAH GAWD BAH GAWD BAH GAWD!!

GUAN FEI CRAWLS ALONG THE METAL SPIKE, HIS HAND TREMBLING AS HE REACHES FOR THE BELT … AND HE GETS IT! GUAN FEI RETAINS THE TITLE!

W.W.: FUCK!

J.R.: HE’S WON! HE BEAT GOLDMAN! HE RETAINS THE BELT! SHIT!

As GUAN FEI ROLLS OFF THE BACK OF THE METAL SPIKE, HE GIVES PARTING WORDS TO HIS OPPONENT.

“You were a worthy adversary, Goldman,” Guan Fei says as he falls onto the ground and rolls for about five minutes. GOLDMAN SCREAMS AS THE TRAIN ENTERS THE TUNNEL THAT LEADS INTO NEO AUSCHWITZ. THE TUNNEL DOOR CLOSES AS GOLDMAN’S FINAL SCREAM IS MUTED.

J.R.: GOLDMAN IS DEAD?! AND CO-NON-AMERICAN CHAMPIONS?! TUNE IN TO FRIDAY NIGHT FUCKFEST WHILE WE SORT ALL OF THIS OUT!
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