Dragon Ball Z Uncensored

[Ryoko's Biatch]

The screen is black. One can faintly hear the sound of a heartbeat growing louder and louder. FROM OUT OF NOWHERE, a guitar begins to squeal violently as the letters "F T U W" grow from a single white dot in the center of the screen. AS THE GUITAR'S SQUEAL REACHES ITS BREAKING POINT, THE LETTERS VIBRATE RETARDEDLY UNTIL THEY EXPLODE. The song is "Arcane Death Explosion" by Viscerape. The lead singer, Leitch, belts out a MONSTROUS GROAN in tune to footage of Ant King viciously raping Corey Nguyen.

#Graaaaaaaaaahh!!#

Handsomus R. Awesome and Theldorrin XIII trade titanic blows in the center of the ring. Sella Phayne slaps his chest, mouthing off while pointing his 9mm at the camera. A shot of the Jack Masterson getting impaled in the face with a SPEAR is followed by Puff Ryder FIRING OFF HIS EXTENDED BONG into Phayne's pick-up.

#COME-ON-COME-ON-COME-ON-COME-OOONNNRAAARGH!#

Baron Hoity von Toity DROPS AN ELBOW ONTO SAKETUMI'S SKULL. Masterson hurls a hatchet that flies into the mouth of the Minister of Beards, Guan Fei. Ooka Jooka flies HIGH ABOVE THE ARENA, his dick trailing behind him. Handsomus and Theldorrin clash CHARIOTS AT HIGH SPEEDS. Ant King SCREAMS and vomits up a SWARM OF HORNETS. Fancy Lala rolls around on the floor, shitting his pants, before the footage switches over to Kuroda plucking out Jonesie's eyeball with his toes.

#The RAAAAAPE! THE MURDAAAAAH! THE RAPE AND THE MURDDAAH MURDER RAAAPE!#

Krystol stands on the CELL IN THE HELL, Non-American Championship raised above his head. The giant hand of Apathetic Arschloch's DAD CRUSHES HIM INTO EL TIGRE! Saketumi and Jack Daniels HEADBUTT EACH OTHER OVER AND OVER, CAUSING THE GROUND AT THEIR FEET TO CRACK! Theldorrin XIV hovers above FUCK MOUNTAIN, wielding a massive MOLTEN BOULDER. Moloch Arschloch bites off Saito's fingers. Bin Destruction CRASHES DOWN FROM OUTER SPACE and collides into Puff Ryder's chest. Daniels hits both Theldorrin and Saketumi with bursts of flames. Rakkyu Saketumi stands unconscious, dead, in his friends' arms, gripping the World Title belt tightly. The ANT KING fires his sniper rifle, DECAPITATING Charles Bronson. The music reaches it CRESCENDO as The Ant King and Guan Fei TRADE BLOWS WHILE BEING IMPALED WITH THEIR OPPONENT'S FLAGS. The FUCKING FTUW logo BURSTS THROUGH A BRICK WALL, blood spurting from the hole for some reason. The screen fades to black.

FTUW Entertainment 2006. All Rights Reserved.

A thick, heavy cloud forms in the sky. Thunder crashes and lightning illuminates the darkness. Villagers clad in simple robes rush to Mount Sinai as the cloud grows even larger. The villagers murmur to each other before being interrupted by the sound of a ram's horn. They all look up and see Moses with two large, stone tablets, one in each hand.

"Do not worship any other gods!" Moses commands, "Do not make any idols! Do not misuse the name of God!"

The gathering crowd is enraptured by Moses' words.

"Keep the Sabbath holy!" Moses continues, "Honour your father & mother!"

Moses pauses, gathering his strength to deliver the following commandment with complete conviction.

"DO ... NOT ... MURDER!"

The camera slowly pans up and ONE CAN MAKE OUT A MASSIVE FIGURE SLOWLY RISING UP BEHIND MOSES AS IT TRUDGES UP THE MOUNTAIN. Moses turns around slowly as he hears the inhuman footsteps of the creature lumbering behind. MOSES IS OVERCOME WITH TERROR AS A FLASH OF LIGHTNING REVEALS THIS MAN TO BE JAMES BROCK MCFUCKINGHARRIS.

MCHARRIS' GRABS THE STONE TABLETS FROM MOSES AND CRASHES THEM INTO HIS SKULL LIKE FUCKING CYMBALS, SPRAYING BLOOD AND BRAIN EVERYWHERE. He drops the rubble and mutters "AMEN!"

The camera switches to an overhead shot and pans out as McHarris rides the headless corpse of Moses down the mountain, clotheslining fleeing villagers in half as he passes by. "Crucifuk" by Viscerape begins playing as McHarris rapes and murders a town full of people.

J.R.: Ladies and gentleman, welcome to FTUW's Royal Raping: God is Gay!

The camera pans over the FEVERISH CROWD who are screaming and going nuts. The fans are raping to death the last of the foolish female fans that attempted to attend an FTUW event. ONE FAN has constructed a variant of those "arrow-through-the-head" novelty hats but as an AMERICAN FLAG through his torso, commerating the Ant King vs. Guan Fei match at last Pay-Per-View. However, during a fight between fans over who's drunker, the fan gets knocked down and is legitimately impaled.

J.R.: Hello folks, this is good ol' J.R. with Warrior W. Warrior at my side! Let me be the first to welcome you to FTUW's new arena, THE THUNDERDOME!

The camera shows the dome, a building nearly three times larger than the Staples Center, off the coast of New York. The building itself is like most sporting arenas but covered in spikes and gigantic razor-wire. Turrets are placed all around the building to safely protect the ferries of fans from the U.S. coast guard. Uncoincidentally, on the opposite side of the entrance of the arena is a giant tube to dump the bodies into the ocean.

W.W.: Although I respect the majority of America's policies, I also respect FREE ENTERPRISE. Mr. McHarris has given America what they want and THE GOVERNMENT has the GALL to call what his business practices "inhumane" and "violations of the Geneva Convention." I almost killed myself over this identity crisis but closet fags that are unable to cope with their homosexuality kill themselves so I just beat the shit out of a hooker until I stopped thinking about it.

J.R.: Right you are, Warrior! We DO have an excellent card tonight! Krystol takes on Sella Phayne for the #1 contendership of the FTUW Non-Non-American Championship. Ant King defends that very same belt against "Puff Ryder" Rasheed Young. Goldman defends his newly-won FTUW Championship against former champion Theldorrin XIV. AND FINALLY, we will decide who will face the FTUW Champion at Extreme Hardcore: Fuck You 2006 with the ROYAL RAPING! I don't want to give too much away but nearly the entire roster will be competing for a shot at the belt and it will also involve lots of explosions!

And without further adieu, let's go to our first match. Lex Dangerseeker vs. Antonio Inoki in a African-American Idol match!

JR: Alright folks, we’re now ready for the African-American Idol match between Lex Dangerseeker and Cyborg Antonio Inoki!

Warrior: A what match?!

JR: The rules are simple: the ring is filled with mysterious and magical idols, rings, amulets and other objects that our beloved owner James Brock McHarris looted from Africa when he founded FTUW. He has finally decided to put these baubles to some good use!

Either competitor may grab any item and use its powers. But they must beware for some items are cursed instead!

Warrior: They make you black?

JR: And here doing guest commentary for this match is American Idol’s own Simon Cowell!

Warrior: Oh God no! Not that faggy fag! There’s no way I’m putting up with his bullshit!

Simon: Hello JR, hello Warrior. I’d say it was a pleasure to be here, but let’s be honest; the entertainment level of this show is appalling. I mean really…

Before he can say another word, Warrior leaps from his seat and begins screaming like a madman. He then flexes to hard, the resulting shockwave pulverizes Simon into hamburger meat.

Lightning: This match is an African-American Idol match! Making his way to the ring first, from Green River, Wyoming, weighing in at 190 pounds, Lex Dangerseeker!

Lex parachutes down from the rafters, reading some sort of guide book while descending.

Lightning: And his opponent, making his way to the ring from Yokohama, Japan, weighing in at 350 pounds, “The Burning Fighting Spirit” Antonio Inoki!

Inoki’s theme plays, but no one comes out. The crowd murmurs and wonders what’s going on. They look everywhere but see no signs of the Japanese legend. Suddenly, Todd Lightning’s twin brother, Brian Lightning, comes to the ring and whispers something in his sibling’s ear.

Todd Lightning: Ladies and gentlemen, a change of plans. Antonio Inoki has been disqualified for not showing up to the arena!

JR: What the hell is going on? Is Inoki a yellow-bellied coward?!

Warrior: sick japanese animeals

Lightning: And so his replacement, HARD’ROK!

Hard’rok, accompanied by Raven, walks down to the ring. The cheers are deafening as Hard’rok’s mysterious gothic gimmick appeals greatly to the average FTUW fan (whose will to live is essentially nil). His head is covered in countless scars and welts from his intense chair training.

Lex immediately grabs a bird idol attached to one of the turnbuckles and turns it toward Hard’rok as he climbs in the ring. The idol spews forth a stream of flame that begins to consume the cloaked man’s body.

JR: BAH GAWD! It’s an Oklahoma barbeque!

Hard’rok’s spins rapidly, dispersing the flames that surround him. Angered, the gloomy warrior grabs another idol tied to the ropes and turns it towards Dangerseeker. Much to his surprise, Lex begins growing rapidly until he dwarfs the shocked man of the cloak! Of course, it’s really Hard’rok who has shrunk.

JR: A cursed idol! A cursed idol! A cursed idol!

Lex: Sorry Hard’rok, but that’ll happen when you use the Statue of the Pygmy King!

JR: My God, Warrior! Lex knew the damn name of the idol!

Warrior: I’d fancy that he knows exactly what each and every item in that ring does! He must hear the sound of the ancestors of Warrior as well! Warrior starts listening to voices in his head for the remainder of the match.

JR: This match is right up Dangerseeker’s alley! He may stand a chance of surviving after all!

Lex attempts elbow drop after elbow drop in order to crush the tiny wrestler who now resembles a somewhat less hot version of a Teen Titans Raven doll. Hard’rok dodges each attack by a hair’s breadth, making his way over to where he dropped the idol that cursed him. He powerbombs it, shattering the statue to dust. He returns to full size just as Dangerseeker drops one final elbow. The attack is deftly blocked and Hard’rok lifts Lex by the neck and begins to strangle him with his Space Valhallian might!

Suddenly, Lex smiles widely and easily removes Hard’rok’s fingers from around his neck! He flies down towards his opponent and nearly dents the cloaked man’s skull with an epic fist! The reason for this sudden surge of strength: the Ring of Hercules on Lex’s right ring finger!

Hard’rok falls backwards and lands against the ropes. On it, he sees a ring identical to the one Lex is wearing. He puts this Ring of Hercules on his finger as well as a surge of strength flows through his demonic body. Using his newfound power, he easily rips out a ring post and swing it like a baseball bat, sending Lex flying! Trinkets shower the arena as fans grab various items and they either explode from the cursed ones or kill each other without abandon using the deadly ones!

Lex recovers and pulls another Ring of Hercules out of his pocket! He found it during the Amazing Adventure of the Maggot Prince back in the 1910’s. Hard’rok counters by grabbing another ring from under the ring apron and putting it on. They take turns one-upping each other until both a Ring of Hercules on each finger! The punches they begin to throw are so powerful that the air pressure destroys everything around them!

As the walls on the arena begin to crumble, a siren starts sounding and a neon sign lights up reading “Bonus Round”! From the ceiling, a slew of idols and other magical items falls and litter the ring! Lex grabs the Scepter of Timbuktu and uses it to freeze the water in Hard’rok’s body, turning him into a statue! Lex brings back his fist, fueled with the strength of the Gods, and crushes the frozen man to bits!

Lightning: Your winner, Lex Dan…

Hard’rok appears out of nowhere and clotheslines the hell out of the back of Lex Dangerseeker’s head! He had made a clone of himself using the Necklace of Copying. Picking up the Sword of Division, he hacks off Lex’s limbs and finally decapitates him!

Lightning: Here is your REAL winner, Hard…

Lex’s hacked off limbs begin flying through the air and begin pummeling Hard’rok! The Sword of Division is not meant to harm a person, but to allow the user to chop himself up into pieces and remotely control each part! Hard’rok can’t keep track as arms, legs and a head fly around him, making him unable to tell where the next attack is coming from! He doesn’t even notice that while the legs distract him, Lex’s hands are stealing the rings of Hercules off of his fingers! Finally, it’s too late and Lex now has rings on all his toes as well!

Raven: Concentrate Hard’rok! You can do this!

It’s to no avail and two superpowered fists collide with each of Hard’rok’s temples simultaneously. The cloaked man falls helplessly to the ground as Lex’s parts float in the air ominously.

Gigi: Hardy-baby! She takes a panicky drag off of her cigarette.

Lex’s body reassembles and something begins to happen! The power of all twenty rings combined is too much power for any body to handle and they all shatter at once. The resulting shockwave knocks both men flying into the crowd! The fans body surf the wounded wrestlers and dump them back in the ring.

Back inside, Lex grabs a large intimidating amulet and places it around his neck.

Lex: I didn’t want to have to do this, but there are great evils at work and I need to get out of this match in one piece. If I’m ever going to destroy the D’lonomicon, then it must be done! Come forth, Amulet of Ooka Jooka!

JR: Amulet of Ooka Jooka?! What could this mean?!

Summoning the power from Africa’s deepest, darkest and most powerful tribe, Lex Dangerseeker undergoes a shocking transformation! His limbs become long and lanky, but muscular! His lips become full and droopy! His eyes turn a yellowish tinge! His skin becomes the pitchest of blacks! This is the body that the African gods said to be ideal!

Warrior: He’s black!! I was right!!!!

Dashing forward at the speed of lightning, Lex grabs Hard’rok and slams his skull into the ground! His demonic horns get stuck in the canvas and he is only able to get them out once he is kicked like a soccer ball by his opponent! An onslaught of ebony rage ravages the NED ruler as he tries in vain to block the unpredictable and unstoppable blows!

Lex, satisfied with the damage he has inflicted, picks up one last item in order to finish the job. It’s the Steel Chair of Providence! This steel folding chair is said to have been sat on by Jesus Christ at the Last Supper and contains unlimited holy power, making it indestructible. Hard’rok looks up and sees this object, causing him to instinctively recoil in fear.

Raven: Don’t fear the chair, Hard’rok! Embrace it! Be one with the chair!

Hard’rok: …with the chair.

Hard’rok flashes back to his intensive training. He never quite got the hang of the art of the chair, but now is not the time for self-doubting! Self-doubting only works when releasing goth music albums! And so Hard’rok breathes deeply and prepares himself.

Lex swings the chair down upon Hard’rok’s skull. Much to his surprise, he sees that very same chair return and drill himself in the face! Dangerseeker falls backwards and drops the Steel Chair of Providence, which Hard’rok quickly scoops up! Using his newfound proficiency with the weapon, he rains chair shot after chair shot, splitting his opponent’s skull right open! The black blood drains out of Lex’s body, returning him to his normal dashing self.

Finding that he is no longer able to defend himself, Lex tries to concede defeat. However, Hard’rok will have none of that!

Hard’rok: Let’s take this…TO THE EXTREME!!

Hard’rok puts the Steel Chair of Providence down and picks Lex up. He signals for the most inhumane and soul crushing move of all! The DDT!

JR: OH GAWD! HOW CAN THIS MONSTER EVEN BE THINKING OF THIS?!?!?! AND RIGHT ON THE CHAIR! BAH GAAAAAAAAAAWD!!!!!

Tucking Lex’s head under his shoulder, Hard’rok begins the decent! Time itself seems to stop flowing as the intrepid adventurer sees his life flash before his eyes.

Lex (thinking): Marcus…Sugar…is this it? Could those bastards have succeeded? Von Toity and McHarris…and the D’lonomicon…all for naught? Is my adventure really reaching its climax…here?!

The DDT connects as head meets celestial butt cushion. Lex’s head splits open from the impact, his head being drained of precious life fluid. Hard’Rok flips him over and goes for the pin. The referee hits the mat.

1…2...KICKOUT! Lex has kicked out!

Hard’Rok looks confused that Lex has managed to kick out of such a move! Lex stands up slowly, blood leaking from his head. He raises his fists, ready to continue the fight, as Hard’Rok stands stunned.

Suddenly, Lex’s head explodes in a gooey mess! In the crowd stands Lex’s friend, Marcus Vaun, clutching a smoking pistol! Lex falls in a heap on the ground, his precious Medallion of Hades slipping from his pocket and bouncing out of the ring. With a wide smile, Vaun snatches the medallion and begins rushing through the crowd as FTUW security give chase.

J.R.: BAH GAWD!! LEX HAS BEEN SHOT!

Hard’Rok, confused, kicks over the dead body of Lex and goes for the 1-2-3. It’s simply academic. Lex Dangerseeker.

Suddenly, out of the crowd bursts Sven von Toity and several machine gun toting D’Loists! They’re here for the medallion that they think is still on Lex’s corpse! A group of zombies shamble over and attempt to stop these men from reaching their once and always lord and master. Though they are eventually shot to oblivion, Hard’rok and his manager use this opportunity to give these pursuers the slip, living to fight another day!

Lightning: This tag match is scheduled for one-fall! Making their way to the ring first, the team of Charles Bronson and Rudy Ray Moore!

Bronson, seeming a little spaced out, walks down to the ring. He is alone and the fans are confused and want to know what the heck is going on.

Warrior: Is Moore not showing up now? First Inoki, now this! Of course, Moore not showing up for work is about as surprising as Moore stealing television cameras after the event.

Todd Lightning takes a tab of LSD just to keep himself sane among the constant twists and extreme violence.

Lightning: And their (his?) opponents, the team of Jack Masterson and The All-Mighty, Non-Forgiving, Non-Merciful, Mohammad Jaffer Bin Abdul DESTRUCTION!!

Bin Destruction is met by a chorus of boos and racial violence as he walks down to the ring, carrying the head of another infidel as well as a screaming girl! Jack Masterson is nowhere to be seen.

JR: No Masterson and no Rudy Ray Moore. Seems as if we’ll be having a singles match between Bin Destruction and Charles Bronson!

A dejected Bronson begins to feel a little under the weather. He rubs his throat, thinking that he feels a cold coming on. But how can zombies have colds?

BOOM! Bronson’s head explodes and Jack Masterson climbs out of the neck-hole! No sooner does Bronson regenerate his destroyed cranium when Masterson and Bin Destruction begin a double team. The referee insists that only one man be in the ring at a time, but he knows better than to get within ten feet of any wrestler. Bin Destruction pulls out a giant box cutter and runs to one end of the ring. Masterson pulls out a hatchet and runs to the other. They charge their opponent simultaneously and with perfect timing perform a beautiful Double Dice Dash, Bin Destruction chopping Bronson apart at the waist and Masterson decapitating him. The three segments flop around the ring like a fish out of water. The ref forces Bin Destruction on the ring apron and threatens to disqualify him unless he obeys orders. Of course, Bin Destruction only obeys Allah and shoves a stick of dynamite down the ref’s throat. Much to his relief, the ref doesn’t blow up.

Masterson works over Bronson’s middle section, sinking his fingers into the rotting flesh and biting off a chunk of his shoulder. The near-immortal Bronson isn’t terribly affected by all of this, but he can’t get in any offense without a head. Even if that handicap not was not present, it doesn’t even seem like he wants to fight back!

Warrior: What’s wrong with Bronson? He looks like a queer who just missed out on a leather pants and limp wrists sale!

Bronson (thinking): Andre’s dead…Rudy’s gone…Lee, Bruce and Johnny…it’s over…WE’RE over. The purpose of the Seven is no more.

For no particular reason, Jack Masterson cuts off his own hand and whips it at Bin Destruction to make the tag. Allah’s mightiest warrior leaps off the top rope and drives a knee into Bronson’s ribs, piercing his lungs and making it unable for his torso to breathe! Not even able to think straight, let alone move properly, Bronson is easy pickings for a camel clutch. Bin Destruction learned this hold in the most sacred Mosques of his sandy homeland and it is considered the noblest way to defeat an opponent.

The young girl, Martha Dershowitz, sits tied up at ringside. She’s glad that Bin Destruction is doing so well without having to consume her Jew blood and cheers him on out of simple self-preservation. She knows that if she gets out alive, her uncle can fire all of his immigrant workers at his factory and buy her jewelry in order to help her forget this traumatizing event. Sadly, she did not pay attention to Masterson who decided to gut her insides and wear her body like an outfit.

Back in the ring, Bronson’s head is still lying motionless on the ground while Bin Destruction has just torn his mid-section in two! Seeing that the body is in multiple pieces and providing no resistance, Bin Destruction pins the shoulders 1-2…

At that moment, Bronson’s head spots something interesting. Standing in the VIP booth in the upper levels of the stadium is none other than James Brock McHarris, gyrating and grinning maniacally over this brutal display. Right then, a rage the likes of which none of Bronson’s characters has ever experienced fills his very soul!

Before the ref can slap his hand down for a three, Bronson’s head flies through the air and headbutts Bin Destruction off of him!

JR: That was two-and-a-half! Two-and-three-quarters even! That Bronson’s got heart!

After reattaching his various members, Bronson stares down his enemy, displacing his unbridled hate for his former squad leader right on Bin Destruction.

Bin Destruction: Allah Akbar!

Bin Destruction pulls out his box cutter and runs right at Bronson. However, it’s a hairy, manly fist that meets with unwashed Arab chin as Bronson uppercuts his opponent right out of the stadium!

JR: WHAT A REVERSAL! HE KNOCKED BIN DESTRUCTION RIGHT OUT OF THIS MATCH!

Masterson, blood from his human suit making his entire body soaking wet, slides towards Bronson like he were at a water park. This takes Bronson’s legs out from under him and he falls in a pool of the Jewish girl’s blood. Masterson takes both his hatchets and chops off Bronson’s shoulders and attempts to get the win by pinning them to the mat!

1-2…NO! Bronson stomps Masterson’s head into the mat! He stomps him over and over! Masterson’s face is now beginning to resemble a pug dog after having it flattened so badly! Bronson kicks Masterson over to the ropes and puts the demon’s mouth on the edge of the ring!

Bronson: Tell Satan that I’m on my way soon. Hell’s gonna have a new lawman, and this time…it’s personal!

In a lovely reenactment of American History X, Bronson curbstomps Masterson’s head on the edge of the ring, cracking it open like a watermelon! Not even putting his shoulders back on, Bronson just flips Masterson over for the 1-2….3! Charles Bronson wins! Just a millisecond after counting 3, the ref explodes from the dynamite that Bin Destruction shoves in him earlier, creating a visceral fanfare for Bronson’s victory.

As he swaggers back to the backstage area, Bronson looks up to where he saw McHarris before. Of course, he’s no longer there.

Bronson: Royal Raping eh? Chuck, maybe it’s about time YOU became the rape victim!

A couple of minutes later, before the next match could start, Bin Destruction finally falls back to Earth and lands smack dab in the center of the ring. It looks like he’s about to die from his injuries until Martha Dershowitz’s blood, which is still covering the ring after Masterson’s slip-and-slide, is soaked into his very pores. A small spark ignites in his beard as his eyes turn upwards.

Bin Destruction: May the glory of Allah lead me to the FTUW title!

We join Sella Phayne backstage, cradling Macho Man’s head in his lap. The laughter of an addict can be heard as Phayne reaches inside the pockets of his baggy pants and pulls out a hundred dollar bill, a bag of cocaine and a small mirror and razor. He rolls the Benjamin up and snorts one line, then, holding Macho Man’s head by the hair, jams the bill into his nostril and offers him a line of his own.

Phayne: Ey, yo, a lotta bitches out there be sayin’ that my man Macho Man Randy Savage is dead. That I should let go. Well, lemme tell y’all some’in –

Phayne points to himself.

Phayne: This motherfucker ain’t pushin’ up no daisies.

Phayne indicates Macho Man’s head, animated, and trying to maneuver himself to get the coke lined up with the other end of the dollar bill.

Phayne: An’ it’s gonna be a damn long time ‘fore I pour out a forty for my dawg here, you hear me?

Phayne notices Macho Man’s trouble.

Phayne: Ey, yo, man, I gotchu covered.

Phayne lays Macho Man’s head back and reaches into his other pocket, withdrawing a plastic funnel. He places the acute end inside the dollar bill tube and brushes a large amount of cocaine into the larger end.

Macho Man: Ohhhhhhh yeeeeeeeaaaaaah!!!

Back to the arena, Todd Lightning stands in the ring.

Lightning: The following match is scheduled for one fall and will determine the number one contender for the Non-American Title. Making his way to the ring first, weighing in at eighty-one kilograms, the bisexual beauty, the tormented tosser, the diamond-jagged ultra-faggot, Krystøl!

Krystøl makes his way to the ring, sniffling silently. He ignores the jeers of the audience, refusing to look out at them. With his eyes closed, climbs the turnbuckles on one corner of the ring and scratches his head. Like dandruff, diamond dust falls from his crown and into his palm. He then blows into it, outwards, towards a particular group of rowdy homophobes screaming slurs at him at the top of their lungs, and the sparkling diamonds dissipates amongst them. The jewel scratchings seep into their pours and within moments, have made their way to their hearts and suddenly enlarge, ripping open their veins, hemorrhaging them internally. They all drop to the floor, dead, and other fans soon stand on top of them without care to get a better view of the action. Krystøl weeps dryly.

J.R.: You wanna talk about a man who has been on the gayest psychological descent I have ever seen, look no further.

Warrior: J.R., it’s only right that Krystøl should be on a descent, considering the descent of American morals and values that his kind have been perpetuating in the last few years.

Lightning: And introducing second, weighing in at one hundred and twenty-five pounds, being accompanied by the reanimated head and elbows of Macho Man Randy Savage, he is the vanilla killa, the spastic coke addict – Sella Phayne!

Phayne drives down to the ring, stroking Macho Man’s head, which growls with a coked up fury. Phayne cocks his gun and fires wildly into the crowd. One bullet flies past and lodges itself into Warrior Warrior’s bicep.

Warrior: What the shit! That motherfucker just fucking shot me! I’ll kill him!

J.R.: Calm down, Warrior. You’re more excited than Jerry Lawler hosting a dog show.

Phayne hops out of his car and Macho Man flies besides him. They make their way inside the ring, where Phayne grabs the mic from Lightning.

Phayne: Who the fuck you callin’ vanilla, bitch? A’ight, let’s light this motherfucker up!

Phayne places his gun in Macho Man’s mouth, who tongues the trigger and pulls it after every line in the following rap, creating some sort of beat.

Phayne: We ‘bout to drop some shit
Like special operatives
Of a new government agency
Dedicated to stamping out the complacency
Of these weak ass faggots who can’t handle shit
The shit niggas like me be droppin’ so quick
You got a problem with me it’s yo throat I’ll slit
Your anus and my nine be a perfect fit
I’ma rape your ass till you submit
Turn your whole backside into a banana split

Phayne grabs his dick through his pants and turns towards Krystøl.

Phayne: Just like this fag, you must admit
He’d make a nice ho, shit, I’d let him suck my dick
‘Cause I got a feeling he swallows, faggots never spi –

Phayne’s rap gets cut off as Krystøl attacks him and the bell is rung. Phayne quickly fights back and two exchange brutal punches to the chest for a moment, until Macho Man flies around to aim the gun in his mouth at Krystøl. He pulls the trigger and a bullet launches out. However, as it makes contact with Krystøl’s arm, it merely shatters a small hole in his skin which doesn’t even register with him for a few seconds. Soon, though, he emits a short scream but continues trading blows with Phayne.

Macho Man: What the fuck!

Angrily, Macho Man spits out the gun and begins to snort violently. The gun shakes and suddenly the rest of the clip empties out of the barrel and the bullets fly into Macho Man’s nostrils.

Macho Man: Ohhhhhh yeeeeeahhh!!!!! Hey, faggot, you may get your power from sucking, but what about snorting?!

Macho Man flies up and hovers, flapping his elbows, behind Sella Phayne. Phayne notices this and delivers a strong punch to Krystøl’s stomach, then ducks. Macho Man snorts, then screams unintelligibly as he shoots out bullet after bullet from his nose, straight into Krystøl’s face. He drops to the mat in pain. Phayne goes for the cover. One! Two! Kick-out!

J.R.: Look at the determination in Krystøl! Could it be he cares about winning this match for a chance to reclaim the Non-American Title almost as much as he cares about sucking cock?

Getting up, Phayne looks at Krystøl’s face, a mess of bullet holes.

Phayne: Daaayumn, nigga! Faggot looks like a goddamn pale 50 Cent!

Macho Man is frothing at the mouth.

Phayne: Or some gay jewelry Kanye West after the car crash shit!

Suddenly, an idea strikes Sella Phayne.

Phayne: Wait, motherfucker! This nigga’s body be all bling!

Phayne presses his boot on Krystøl’s arm and takes his hand, interlocking their fingers. Suddenly, he twists his wrist and squeezes his hand closed violently and a sick cracking can be heard. Phayne raises his fist and opens up, revealing the majority of three of Krystøl’s fingers in his palm, as well as a large amount of diamond dust. Phayne starts laughing.

Phayne: Yo, Macho Man, I’ma put this middle finger on a necklace, right? And, check this shit out, I’ma make a ring for mah finger outta his ring finger! Haha!

Macho Man laughs maniacally, then turns his attention elsewhere. He begins snorting and soon the topmost ring rope comes loose and is sucked into his nostril like spaghetti. He laughs some more as Phayne empties his hand of Krystøl’s anatomy in a corner of the ring.

Macho Man: OHHHH YEEEAAH!! HOW MUCH LONGER IS THAT LITTLE BITCH HULK HOGAN GONNA KEEP DODGING ME?

Getting up, Krystøl dry-heaves, coughing out jewelry.

Phayne: Goddamn! It’s like a bling bling piñata!

As Phayne kneels down to pick up some of moist gems, Krystøl quickly shifts his weight and delivers a sweet mid-level roundhouse kick to the back of Phayne’s head! He gets to his feet and stomps away angrily at the prone body of Sella Phayne.

J.R.: Krystøl is mounting a comeback!

Warrior: Oh, he’s used to mounting comebacks all right. See, J.R., you’re not the only one who can make fucking retarded metaphors!

J.R.: I’m more impressed than a moo cow in the bull range.

Phayne staggers to his feet, blocking Krystøl’s kicks. Delivering a punch to Krystøl’s gut, he headlocks him and sets up for a DDT. However, Krystøl powers out of it, flipping Phayne over in a sick Northern Lights Suplex that shakes the ring! He bridges for the pin! One! Two! And Phayne kicks out!

Krystøl doesn’t stop, however, and quickly and spryly jumps onto the second rope, then rebounds and wraps his legs around the head of Phayne, who doesn’t have the time to shout “Get yo fuckin’ crotch out my face you fucking faggot-ass bitch!” before Krystøl contorts his body, taking Phayne down in a Hurricanrana. One! Two! Another kick out!

Macho Man, high as a kite, flutters over to Krystøl and begins smacking him in the face as best he can with his elbows while still staying afloat. Krystøl screams and swats him away, sending Macho Man flying into the middle turnbuckle hard. He lands in the corner with a thud, next to the small pile of Krystøl’s fingers and diamond dust.

J.R.: And Macho Man is down, but can we count him as a non-factor?

Warrior: In the time I’ve spent with Macho Man Randy Savage, I can tell you this: the man is never out so long as he has nostrils and maybe a gun.

Grabbing Phayne by the ears, Krystøl attempts to bring him up to the top turnbuckle for a Krystølnacht. However, the lack of a top rope makes this difficult and soon Phayne regains his composer well enough to lowblow Krystøl!

Backing off to catch his breath, Phayne finds Macho Man unconscious and gets very worried. He slaps his partner in the face a few times to wake him up, receiving no response. Phayne checks Savage’s nostrils and finds they’re clear.

Phayne: M-Man, motherfucker, you gotta snorts some shit! Uh, uh...

Phayne desperately looks around for something easy and spots the dust from Krystøl’s shattered hand. Phayne picks Macho Man’s head up and shoves him nose-first into the small pile. Macho Man comes to with a quick snort, then takes a significantly larger one and begins to laugh.

Macho Man: OHHHH YEEEEEAHHHHH!!! NOW THIS IS THE GOOD SHIT!!! BE A MAN, HOGAN.

Phayne laughs in delight and even takes a quick pinch of the jewel powder and shoves up it up his own nose.

Phayne: Damn, that is some fine shit, nigga!

Phayne, rejuvenated, walks over to Krystøl, sending a few punches straight to his head. Phayne reaches behind him for some fucking WHITE BREAD and attempts to slam that shit into Krystøl’s throat.

Phayne: Time for yet another loaf to bust into that faggot mouth of yours, bitch!

Suddenly, though, Phayne’s nose begins to bleed. Confused, Phayne backs off, having become so accustomed to snorting (and to not having blood truly pumped into his head normally) that he is dumbfounded. He grabs his face as he begins to cough up more blood! Phlegm, too!

Krystøl looks up with a deviant smile, spitting out bread crumbs.

Mortified, Phayne looks behind him to find Macho Man fucking vomiting which doesn’t even make any fucking sense, but he is!!

Phayne: What the fuck is happening here!

J.R.: I think we’re all a little confused, wouldn’t you say, Warrior?

Warrior: Well, I can tell you no one’s more confused than that little sexuality-questioning faggot in the crystal costume!

Krystøl begins laughing viciously now as he walks over to the opposite corner and reattaches his fingers. He sprinkles the remaining diamond dust on his face to heal the bullet holes.

Krystøl: Well, well, maybe now you two will learn not to seek a cheap high, like I had to.

He turns to the head of Macho Man, throbbing in pain and weeping as so many fluids come out of him.

Krystøl: I see you’re crying. That’s one indignity I can never share, no matter how much I wish to. But here’s one we can have together, Randy.

Grabbing Macho Man’s head, Krystøl pitches it into the audience, who begin to bat it around like a beach ball. Macho Man sobs, desperately trying to snort up anything he can to stay alive.

Macho Man: Ohhhhh noooooooo!!!!

Krystøl: And as for you, since you and I seem to share a kinship in the love of jewels, I’ll keep you looking normal, even if it’s more than you deserve.

Krystøl brings his face to Phayne’s and inhales, sucking the dust back in. Phayne drops down, wiping the blood away as he takes in deep breaths, able to do so once more. However, Krystøl then immediately gives him an insane soccer kick to the face, knocking him into the turnbuckle. Krystøl climbs atop it and brings Phayne up. He stuffs Phayne’s head between his legs, hooks his arms and jumps, bringing his feet down perfectly – Krystølnacht! Cover! One! Two! Three!

Lighting: Ladies and gentlemen, your winner and number one contender for the Non-American Title – Krystøl!

J.R.: Well, I’ll be damned! Krystøl pulls out a victory over Sella Phayne! He’ll challenge the Ant King for the Non-American Title next month!

Krystøl exits as Sella Phayne slowly stands up. He jumps into the crowd in an attempt to find Macho Man’s head.

J.R.: Well, Warrior, it's time for the, uh, American title bout.

WW: It's about damn time, Jim.

J.R.: Now, I had the privilege of interviewing the AMERICAN champ this past week. Here is a clip from that.

JR; Congradulations on winning the non amer...

Ant King: STOP RIGHT THEIR MOTHER FUCKER!!!!!

JR: OOPS...Sorry, I ment AMERICAN championship.

Ant King: Good, now ask me the god damn questions???

JR: I have only 1 Ant King...and that is, what's next???

Ant King: THE PLAN IS SIMPLE BITCH, I'LL WIN MY UPCOMMING MATCH WITH GAY RYDER, THEN ILL WIN THE ROYAL RAPING RUMBLE, GET MY SHOT AT THE WORLD TITAL AND UNIFY THE BELTS, PLAIN AND SIMPLE.

JR: It seems like your not very concentrated on Puff Ryder, shouldent you be.

Ant King: FIRST OF ALL BIZ NOTCH, WHATS EVEN THE POINT OF THIS MATCH???? AS FAR AS I UNDERSTAND, IT'S NOT EVEN A TITLE FIGHT...WHY'S THAT GAY R?

JR: Uhh..well...yeah, that dosent make much since...

Ant King:ON TOP OF THAT, GAY RYDER DOSENT EVEN DESERVE A SHOT AT THE AMERICAN CHAMPIONSHIP...GAWD, WHAT THE HELL GAWD!!!

WW: That Ant King, what a goddamned fine American.

J.R.: I could not agree more, Warrior. What do you think about his prospects for unifying the titles, as he hopes to do.

WW: Listen, folks, I don't care who wins the FTUW title tonight. When the Ant King wins the Royal Raping tonight, which he will. Don't give me this BULLCRAP about this or that fighter pulling it off. Tell me, who else has the CHOPS to perform at that level against the entire FTUW roster? Theldorrin XIV is overrated. Goldman Jewed his way to the top. Krystol is a queer. Guan Fei is a chink that the Ant King has already proven himself capable of defeating in the ring. It's in the bag for the Ant King.

So when the Ant King wins the Royal Raping, Theldorrin or Goldman are both in trouble. The Ant King will unify the belts and become the first worthy champion since Handsomus R. Awesome. Who, by the way, was a LEGAL alien. I've seen his citizen application, assholes. These people come up to me and say, "Well, Warrior, I heard about your stance on illegal immigration, but what about Handsomus?" Handsomus was more AMERICAN in his fucking COWBOY HAT than these people in their entire bodies. These are the same assholes who think I'm dead.

J.R.: Well, about the Ant King ...

WW: Yeah, he's going to win this match and the Royal Raping. Fuck you, Vince McMahon! I'm the goddamned WARRIOR. You p/c liberal PUSSY.

J.R.: What about the Ant King appearing to be physically unwell? In my interview, he was slurring his words. He could be suffering from some kind of brain damage as a result of his fights against Guan Fei and Chief Fisting Falcon.

WW: You shut the hell up with your lies! (Warrior stands on his chair and flexes, causing his suit to burst, revealing a larger suit underneath.)

J.R.: Uh, well, seeing as this is a special event, the fine folks at FTUW decided to make this match interesting. This is a Hangman Match. Both fighters will have a noose tied around their necks and the only way to win is to throw your opponent out of the ring and hang them.

WW: This will probably bring up a lot of bad memories for Puff Ryder!

J.R.: That's a terrible thing to say.

WW: Hey, man, I just tell it like it is. I'm crushing p/c.

"Ladies and gentlemen," Todd Lightning says as thousands of rednecks chug beer while raping the corpses of the women, "this is a Hangman Match for the AMERICAN TITLE! Coming to the ring first, the challenger, from Richmond Hills, California, weighing in at 175 pounds, RASHEED "PUFF RYDER" YOUNG!" Puff Ryder comes down the ramp, thizzle dancing to "Tell Me When To Go" by E-40 featuring Keak Da Sneak.

"And now, YOUR AMERICAN CHAMPION, from Chernobyl, Ukraine, but with the heart and soul of a GODDAMNED AMERICAN, the ANT KIIIIIIIING!" The Ant King charges down the ramp, his eyes wide and bloodshot with a hooker impaled on his cock, followed by Piccolo. The Ant King slides into the ring on the hooker's back and then rubs her up and down his dick VERY RAPIDLY until he ejaculates and sends her flying into the crowd for raping.

WW: The Ant King, what a showman!

As soon as the Ant King's totally VULGAR display is done with, the ring rises 20 feet in the air on a hydraulic pump and two nooses are lowered from the rafters. The ref secures the Ant King's noose and then walks over to Puff Ryder who flips out. "What the fuck is this shit? Are you fucking kidding me?"

WW: Called it.

J.R.: It's an understandable reaction, Warrior.

WW: If you've bought into the liberal media's lies.

"Why don't you forfit mother bitch?" the Ant King asks while stroking his massive Ant Dick. Piccolo struts around like Mick Jagger under the ring.

"I'm gonna fuck you up. I wish a mothafucka would try to hang me," Puff Ryder mutters as he places the noose around his neck. "Ring the goddamn bell so I can kill this mothafucka."

J.R.: It appears that Puff Ryder is going to fight. This should be a good one!

WW: Only because the Ant King is going to win.

The Ant King leaps up and grabs his rope and then swings at Puff Ryder with a flying kick! Puff Ryder easily sidesteps the attack and the Ant King falls out of the ring. Ant King hangs out of the ring, choking, but finally regains composure and uses his proportionate strength of an ant to climb back up.

J.R.: Ant King avoids a quick loss, there, Warrior.

WW: You have to like his enthusiasm, though. I mean, a lot of guys would have given up! The Ant King is no quitter.

As soon as the Ant King gets on the apron, Puff Ryder punches him in the face causing him to slip, but he regains his balance, jumps on the top rope and moonsaults Puff Ryder. Puff Ryder hits the canvas and gets choked by the noose. While he's down, Ant King grabs the rope and spins around, lifting Puff Ryder into the air!

"YAAAAAAAAAA MOTHER BITCHES!"

Puff Ryder grabs on the rope to keep from being strangled as he spins with more and more force. Blood vessels burst in his eyes. Finally, Ant King lets go and Puff Ryder is sent sailing until the rope snaps back and he falls to the side of the ring.

J.R.: It doesn't look good for Puff Ryder! The spinning likely upset his equilibrium!

But Puff Ryder's sense of balance is fine because the nigga rides spinnaz. After a brief struggle, he pulls out a blunt and lights it.

J.R.: Bah gawd! Bah gawd! Puff Ryder just smoked weed and now he's starting to fly!

WW: That has to be cheating!

PUFF RYDER FUCKING ZOOMS AROUND THE RING, FLYING LIKE A MANIAC! Ant King watches in amazement until he's punched in the goddamned face and hits the ropes! Puff Ryder floats in the air over Ant King and unleashes a flurry of high speed punches! "I wanna know where da gold is. I want da gold. Give me da gold!" Then Puff Ryder uppercuts Ant King over the rope!

WW: That asshole black man is cheating! Disqualify him!

J.R.: Well, there are no rules against flying or using drugs in FTUW, Warrior. In fact, both are encouraged.

The Ant King, with his ant-like reflexes, grabs on to the edge of the mat. Something is wrong with the Ant King! He feels dizzy and he keeps thinking he should have been able to block those punches. Had Chief Fisting Falcon hurt him that bad? Questions flew through his mind, all of them badly spelled and with poor grammar. Maybe he should just let go and end it. The Ant King loosens his fingers slightly and then looks down at Piccolo. "Boss, don't let me down!!!!!!!!!!"

HE'S FUCKING RIGHT!

"Throw me my got ham AK, mother gay!!!"

This is for all of his fans! This is for fucking AMERICA! The American flag blows in the wind of his imagination as he grips the AK-47 in one hand and pulls himself up with the other. "THIS IS FOR FREEDOM!!!!!!! BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

The Ant King shoots at Puff Ryder, who transforms himself into a cloud of smoke, so the bullets just pass through him. The referee waves his arms and starts yelling, "Hey, no weapons! Drop the gun or you're disqualified!" BUT THAT KIND OF SHIT WON'T STOP THE ANT KING! He shoots the ref in the fucking face and screams at the top of his lungs!

J.R.: The Ant King is out of control! He just shot the ref!

WW: Maybe the ref had it coming, Jim. Calm down.

The Ant King keeps firing, shooting fans because Puff Ryder is intangible. Puff Ryder flies into the Ant King's lungs, his only vulnerable spot! The Ant King starts breathing hard and coughing! Puff Ryder then returns to his solid state, expanding to full size in the Ant King's abdomen. Ant King vomits blood all over the ring as his organs are destroyed.

WW: What the hell is this? Puff Ryder, that fucking liberal animal, he took off his noose!

James Brock McHarris agrees and speaks through the PA system, "Puff Ryder, you have 10 seconds to get back in the noose or else you will be disqualified."

Ant King doesn't give Puff Ryder time to comply because he fucking SHITS PUFF RYDER OUT OF HIS ASS! Puff Ryder hits the mat and starts convulsing from the horror of his ordeal!

WW: Ha ha, shit on shit!

J.R.: Have a little goddamned respect, Warrior. The preferred term is "African-American."

Puff Ryder starts to put the noose back on, when the rope falls from the rafters! THE FUCKING TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES FALL FROM ABOVE! Leonardo cut the rope and they all jump into a formation and pose.

J.R.: What's going on?

The Ant King is fucking PISSED! "What the FUCK you fuck holes!!!!"

"We wanted to help you win the match, Ant King," Leonardo says.

"WELL HERES YOUR SECRET OOZE!!!!!!!!!" THE ANT KING FURIOUSLY JACKS HIS DICK AND SHOOTS A FUCKING TORRENT OF JIZZ WITH THE PRESSURE OF A FIRE HOSE THAT KNOCKS EVERYONE OUT OF THE RING

Puff Ryder cracks his head open on the barrier and starts bleeding profusely, while the Ninja Turtles have all transformed back into tiny turtles.

J.R.: Uh, I'm getting word that the Ant King has been declared the winner. I guess since Puff Ryder fell out of the ring, that was enough for the judges.

WW: This was just terrible. A poor match. I'm confident that the Ant King will recover in his match against Krystol.

J.R.: Let's hope so. He just didn't seem quite his old self tonight.

[Yogurtman]

J.R.: Now we have what everyone’s been waiting for. Our new FTUW Champion Goldman will defend his belt against veteran and former champion Theldorrin XIV! Theldorrin has proven himself to perhaps be the strongest warrior the FTUW or the world has ever known! The arms of Stone Cold Steve Austin sprouting from Goldman’s back or not, he’s in for a hell of a defense!

W.W.: Goldman winning the FTUW Championship was all the proof I needed of the International Jewish Conspiracy at work. However, for this match, I chose a referee with a nose with the least amount of downward curvature. Let’s hope he was able to resist their offerings of treasure.

J.R.: Now let’s go to Todd Lightning who’s already in the ring.

Lightning: Ladies and gentleman, the next match is a FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE match! Coming to the ring first, weighing in at over 500 pounds … hailing from the CALCULUS II, THELDORRRRRRRRIN FOUUUUURTEEEEEEN!!

“Ode to Theldorrin” begins blasting through the PA system. Theldorrin XIV marches out leaving a footprint in the metallic ramp with each step. His jet-black armor has once again been refurbished, his body enhanced even further than at the previous PPV. Two fans wearing camo ball caps lean over the railing and begin CURSING AT THELDORRIN. One of the two attempts to THROW A DRUNKEN FIST but finds out, that SOMEHOW, his fist has been shoved through his own skull! The other guy shits his pants as Theldorrin continues to the ring, pausing only to activate his thrusters to hover into the ring.

W.W.: Now that Theldorrin has broken his ties with fucking China, he can assume his rightful place as champion.

J.R.: How can you say that? Theldorrin killed Handsomus!

W.W.: Handsomus is kind of a fag. Seriously.

Lightning: And his opponent, weighing in at 220 pounds … hailing from New York City, New York, GOOOOOOOLDMAAAAAAAAN!!

INSTANTLY, the fans begin CHANTING “GOLDMAN” for their CHAMPION. Fans all around the arena wearing GOLDMAN 3:16 (Book of Bammidbar) t-shirts go nuts, waving giant foam Austin arms and screaming. One intoxicated patron in the FTUW DRUNK ZONE circumcises himself with hedge clippers while his friends pour beer down his throat.

Goldman WALKS through a SHOWER OF SPARKS in his long, black robe and wide-brimmed hat, pausing his gait to cough at the smoke generated by the pyrotechnics. His trainer, Olympas, is at his side.

As Goldman walks down the ramp, his AUSTIN ARMS stretch out to the sides and spread out his JEW SHAWL (whatever it’s called) like a CAPE. He drops it and hops onto the ring apron, stepping through the ropes.

J.R.: Goldman is our 4th FTUW Champion, gaining that prestigious title by defeating Moloch Arschloch at our last Pay-Per-View!

W.W..: This Theldorrin become our first-ever two-time champion? Of course, not counting that time Arschloch was champ for an hour.

Both men BEGIN THE NECESSARY STARE DOWN PRIOR TO A MATCH OF IMPORTANCE.

“Goldman, is it?” Theldorrin quips, “The shit they call opponents is starting to offend me. I guess I’ll do this federation a favor and return some prestige to that belt.”

“A hiltsener tsung zol er bakumn,” Olympas tells Goldman. The referee takes a few steps back, knowing the inherent danger in officiating an FTUW match, and signals for the bell!

J.R.: And he we go, folks!

Goldman rushes forward and slams a fist into Theldorrin’s armor, having little effect. He follows up with a JEW JITSU ROUNDHOUSE KICK that crashes into the side of XIV’s neck. His head moves slightly as he continues to stand there with his arms folded, like a DBZ villain. As GOLDMAN goes for an uppercut, Theldorrin COUNTERS WITH A SUPER CHEST SLAP. Goldman FLIES BACKWARDS and steadies himself. Goldman, however, seems unfazed! He OPENS HIS ROBE to reveal a MASS OF CHEST HAIR WITH THELDORRIN’S HAND IMPRINT! The extreme amount of body hair on Goldman’s Jewish body softened the blow!

W.W.: We talk a lot about Theldorrin’s impenetrable armor but it never occurred to me that such a disgusting racial deficiency could used to someone’s advantage!

Goldman closes his robe and charges forward. GOLDMAN TACKLES THELDORRIN and the two immediately begin to grapple. The cybernetic dictator activates something in his ARMS, something like pistons or whatever, and IMMEDIATELY GAINS THE ADVANTAGE. Steam blasts from THELDORRIN’S SHOULDERS as he overpowers Goldman to the floor. Fortunately, Goldman uses his extensive knowledge of the Hebrew martial arts to TAKE THAT POWER and flip Theldorrin to the mat! As Theldorrin kips to his feet, Goldman takes him by surprise with a VICIOUS CLOTHESLINE!

J.R.: Goldman is proving his mettle tonight against Theldorrin, using WRESTLING to do it, too!

Goldman grabs Theldorrin by the head, slams a knee into his face plate, and BURIES HIS HEAD INTO THE MAT WITH A DDT! Hershlug immediately follows it up with a REAR NAKED CHOKE. As GOLDMAN attempts to deprive oxygen of a man that replaced his lungs long ago, THELDORRIN gets fed up with the humiliating position and ACTIVATES HIS THRUSTERS. Soon, the SEARING HOT ROCKET FUEL BURNS AWAY AT GOLDMAN! The Hebrew Brawler BACK FLIPS off XIV, tossing away his RABBI-ESQUE black robe in mid-air, landing on the mat and revealing his short blue tights and extremely hairy body.

W.W.: Jesus Christ, does he gain twenty pounds after a shower?

Theldorrin leaps to his feet, dusting himself off. Goldman takes a wide, grappling stance and THELDORRIN ROCKETS FORTH, his JET BOOSTERS SENDING HIM AT HIGH SPEEDS! XIV hits him in the FACE WITH A HIGH-POWERED STRAIGHT, sending him into the ROPES! The ropes only slow his movement slightly before THEY SNAP! THELDORRIN CATCHES UP and hits him with a BODY BLOW and both men are sent flying (one willingly) towards the entrance ramp!

J.R.: How can a man of a notoriously un-athletic people defeat such a metallic monstrosity?!

Goldman slams into the ramp and slides upward as Theldorrin lands on his feet, causing a crater in the steel. FEVERISH GOLDMAN FANS BEGIN TOSSING BEER and skulls COMMERATING FTUW’s ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY at Theldorrin. SOME EVEN go as far as CLIMBING OVER THE RAZOR WIRE that’s used in lieu of actual security to ATTACK THELDORRIN!

W.W.: What the hell are those shit heads doing?!

J.R.: No one ever said FTUW fans were cowards!

As they APPROACH THELDORRIN, the cyborg himself turns around and says “Did you guys not see Saketumi V Theldorrin I?” and FUCKING LAUNCHES his ROBOTIC FIST into the FIRST IN THE PACK.

W.W.: Or intelligent.

The metallic coil attaching his arm to his body GROWS LONGER and LONGER as the ARM impales two, three, or FOUR FANS. He lifts them all up simultaneously, THELDORRIN expanding his BODY by making the cable in his arm prehensile, repeatedly slamming the fist through their bodies and tying them together. He constricts THE CABLE, EXPLODING THE FANS IN A SHOWER OF BLOOD AND GUTS!

J.R.: Bah Gawd! That heartless son of a bitch!

Goldman stumbles to his feet and finds himself covered in blood. He looks up and sees Theldorrin’s arm clutching intestines as bones and organs fall from his prehensile cable. Suddenly, a GREAT ANGER FILLS HIM as he SEES HIS FANS BEING TORN APART by the COLD THELDORRIN. THESE ARE THE PEOPLE WHO BUY HIS FUCKING MERCHANDISE!

Goldman SPRINGS FORTH and LEAPS ON TOP OF THELDORRIN XIV’S SHOULDERS! “JEW JITSU! CHAYREM!” and slams KNIFE EDGED HANDS INTO THE TEMPLES OF THELDORRIN’S HEAD! Despite his lack of familiarity with Eastern mysticism and chi, the IMAGE OF A GRAPH DISPLAYING DECLINING PROFIT FUELS A RAGE THAT POWERS HIS BODY! Theldorrin is STUNNED BY THE BLOW and USES HIS FREE HAND to SLAM his METALLIC KNUCKLES INTO GOLDMAN’S RIBS! However, as GOLDMAN spits up some blood, he wraps his arm around the fist and holds it in place! Goldman takes his FREE HAND EXECUTES A PALM ATTACK in THELDORRIN’S FACE, IMPACTING HIS FACE PLATE!

J.R.: Incredible! Despite the inhuman power Theldorrin possesses, GOLDMAN is PUSHING HIM TO HIS LIMITS!

The CHANTS of GOLDMAN begin STARTING UP ONCE MORE, gaining the IRE of THELDORRIN. He MANIPULATES his TENTACLE-LIKE ARM and PROPELS it TOWARD GOLDMAN. As the FIST CLOSES IN ON GOLDMAN’S JEW FACE, he MOVES his head out of the way and manages to ONLY SUFFER a COOL-LOOKING SCAR. The TENTACLE CRASHES INTO THE GROUND AND DRILLS UNDER THE THUNDERDOME FLOOR. The FIST blasts out of the ground and RISES INTO THE AIR. The FIST opens up and a SPEARHEAD EMITS FROM THE PALM. The TENTACLE FIST HOVERS LIKE A SCORPION’S TAIL, UNBEKNOWNST TO GOLDMAN! As Hershlug continues to ASSAULT THELDORRIN’S FACE WITH PUNCHES, busting his KNUCKLES but CRUSHING THELDORRIN’S FACE, THE TENTACLE ARM soars BACK TOWARDS GOLDMAN!

W.W.: Goldman is out of the FRYING PAN and into the FIRE! Only after saying that do I realize the irony in that statement.

THE GIANT METAL FIST COLLIDES WITH GOLDMAN … BUT NOT REALLY!

J.R.: THOSE ARMS! AUSTIN’S ARMS HAVE COME TO LIFE!

Stone Cold Steve Austin’s arms, jutting from Goldman’s back, GRIP THE SPEAR BETWEEN ITS PALMS. With a QUICK JERK, it BREAKS the BLADE, and the RIGHT ARM continues the ASSAULT WITH A HOOK that CRUSHES THE FIST! Theldorrin RETRACTS his ARM, the TITANIUM LIMB slamming back into the SHOULDER SOCKET AND LOCKING. Using his RE-ATTACHED ARM, he SLIDES IN AN CLOSE-RANGE UPPERCUT that ROCKS GOLDMAN’S FACE! Goldman, STUNNED, slips off Theldorrin and lands on the ground. Theldorrin SLAMS A STEEL FOOT into Goldman’s stomach, causing the JEW’S FACE to WARP like every DBZ villain’s right before they die, and COMBOS it into a HAMMER FIST that slams him FACE FIRST into the GROUND!

W.W.: Theldorrin is doing this for all the jilted waiters and waitresses around the world!

AUSTIN’S ARMS, JERKING AND CONVULSING as it CLAWS THE AIR, DESPERATE FOR FLESH TO RENDER, still move as Goldman is unconscious! THELDORRIN CAREFULLY AVOIDS the GOD-LIKE LIMBS and GRABS GOLDMAN BY THE TRUNKS, PLACING HIM IN THE POWERBOMB POSITION!

“PLAYTIME’S OVAH!” THELDORRIN SHOUTS, USING HIS PNEUMATIC LEGS to EXPLODE INTO THE AIR, collapsing the GROUND and causing STEAM TO BLAST FROM HIS LEGS. Almost INSTANTLY, the TWO ARE IN AIR NEARLY THIRTY FEET ABOVE THE ARENA FLOOR! Using his OFTEN-USED THRUSTERS, HE INCREASES THE SPEED OF HIS DESCENT!

W.W.: HE’S GOING TO FUCKING POWERBOMB HIM TO THE HELL HE DOESN’T BELIEVE IN!!

THE TWO SOAR LIKE A COMET AS THELDORRIN BLASTS ROCKET FUEL FROM HIS BACK TO EXECUTE A MOST FATAL MANEUVER! ON IMPACT, A GIGANTIC FUCKING CLOUD OF SMOKE FIRES UP LIKE A GEYSER FROM THE GROUND!

J.R.: BAH GAWD! BAH GAWD! THAT SON OF A BITCH KILLED THE CHAMP!

The FANS ARE SILENT. AS THE SMOKE SIFTS AWAY, GOLDMAN IS SHOWN TO BE FINE. IN FACT, HE WAS NEVER POWERBOMBED AT ALL! THE AUSTIN ARMS SPROUTING FROM HIS BACK HAVE STOPPED THE POWERBOMB AND ARE STILL STOPPING IT! CRACKS GROW FROM AUSTIN’S BURIED FINGERS IN THE CONCRETE FLOOR AS THELDORRIN CONTINUES TO ROCKET FORWARD, ATTEMPTING TO CRUSH HIM into a FELAFEL! Goldman awakes from HIS CONCUSSED SLUMBER and sees THE TOWERING THELDORRIN ATTEMPTING to DRIVE HIM INTO THE GROUND!

“Gottenyu!” Goldman exclaims! IMMEDIATELY, he USES HIS LEGS AS LEVERAGE AND PULLS ON THELDORRIN’S NECK! IN AN INSTANT, THELDORRIN’S FORCE IS TURNED AGAINST HIMSELF AS HE DRIVES HEAD FIRST INTO THE GROUND INTO A SUPER FRANKENSTEINBERG!!

J.R.: BAH GAWD! FRANKENSTEINBERG! FRANKENSTEINBERG!

Unable to pin the man buried underground, Goldman wheezes as he stumbles to the rings, HIS FANS CHEERING HIM ON! Olympas stares at him, stunned by his ability, as Goldman rolls into the ring!

J.R.: Goldman can’t win the match if he can’t pin Theldorrin, but Theldorrin is buried underneath the arena!

Theldorrin EXPLODES out of the CONCRETE FLOOR near the RING. The audience watches XIV CONTINUE TO SAIL INTO THE GROUND. Theldorrin hovers there momentarily, PINCHING HIS THUMB AND FINGER AND PEERING THROUGH THE WHOLE. The set up for HIS MOBIUS BAND!

“Time to rape you with this rock I found,” Theldorrin smirks as the RICHONIUM JEWEL imbedded in his GAUNTLET begins RESONATING with SYNTHETIC ROCKATRICITY. The BLAST FIRES, PINCHING THE DIMENSIONAL SPACE AROUND GOLDMAN’S FACE!

”Goldman!” Olympas shouts to the WEARY GOLDMAN! Goldman LEANS BACKWARDS, dodging THE MOBIUS BAND! However, the MOBIUS BAND PINCHED THE AIR ABOVE HIM, OBLITERATING HIS HOOK NOSE!

W.W.: He took off his nose!

Goldman rolls onto his knees and clutches his bleeding face! Theldorrin descends from the air and CRASHES INTO THE RING, his weight NEARLY FLIPPING THE ENTIRE THING! XIV marches forward as Goldman struggles to his feet. XIV, BLOOD SEEPING THROUGH HIS CRUSHED FACEPLATE, slams a FIST RIGHT INTO GOLDMAN’S FUCKING FACE! Goldman SLIDES back and SLUMPS AGAINST THE ROPES. XIV grabs his dented faceplate and tosses it aside, revealing the COMPLEX CIRCUITRY mingling with his flesh. Theldorrin GRABS GOLDMAN by his CHEST HAIR and LIFTS HIM UP TO EYE LEVEL.

“You fucking Jew faggot,” Theldorrin tells him, spitting blood into his face. He takes GOLDMAN AND SLAMS HIM INTO HIS METALLIC KNEE! With a SICK THUD, blood sprays from GOLDMAN’S FACE as he slumps onto the mat.

J.R.: Bah Gawd, Theldorrin is just taking him apart now. Goldman has gotten under his skin and now he’s paying for it!

Suddenly, THELDORRIN’s attention is caught by a metal ding. He turns his head to see GOLDMAN’S MANAGER, Olympas, striking feebly at Theldorrin’s leg with a golden rod. Theldorrin scoffs and kicks Olympas slightly with his foot, which means he fucking flew into the guardrail and was knocked out. Theldorrin snatches the golden rod that Olympas was striking him with and looks it over. He seems intrigued the precision that this rod was designed with. AN X-RAY VISION test by Theldorrin’s enhanced eyes reveal this.

“This looks like … Bitmask’s work …” Theldorrin mutters as he peers at the end of the rod. SUDDENLY, GOLDMAN springs to his feet and PRESSES A BUTTON ON THE OPPOSITE END. THE GOLDEN ROD transforms into a MENORAH!

”BEHOLD! THE MIRACLE … OF THE OIL!” GOLDMAN SHOUTS AT HIM AS HE SQUEEZES THE END! FLAMING LAMP OIL MOTHERFUCKING SPRAYS RIGHT IN THELDORRIN’S GODDAMNED FACE!!

J.R.: BAAAAH GAWD!! HE’S BURNED HIS FUCKING FACE OFF!

W.W.: HOLY SHIT! NO! THAT FUCKING JEW BURNED HIS FACE OFF!

THELDORRIN SCREAMS IN AGONY AS THE LAMP OIL BURNS HIS GODDAMNED FACE OFF! He slips backwards and falls on all FOURS, BLOOD AND SMOKE POURING OFF HIS FACE. Nozzles on THELDORRIN’S COLLAR begin SPRAYING LIQUID CO2 IN HIS FACE, EXTINGUISHING THE BURNING OIL and covering his FACE WITH FROST. Goldman kneels in the ring, blood still dripping from his face, as he clutches the GOLDEN MENORAH. He LIFTS IT UP AND SLAMS IT INTO THE MAT, THE MENORAH SPLITTING INTO 4 RODS EACH! Goldman grabs the FOUR RODS and distributes them to all FOUR ARMS. THE FANS BEGIN CHANTING HIS NAME AS HE RISES HIS FEET, READY TO DESTROY THELDORRIN AND RETAIN HIS TITLE!

J.R.: He’s going to pull it off! He may be able to do what few men could! BEAT THELDORRIN!

Theldorrin STANDS UP, his FACE FROSTED IN AN AGONIZING EXPRESSION. He and Goldman CHARGES TOWARD EACH OTHER. Goldman swings his FOUR RODS as THELDORRIN FENDS OFF THE ATTACKS! Theldorrin LAUNCHES A RIGHT STRAIGHT that is REPELLED BY TWO RODS! Goldman STRIKES AT HIS FACE, RE-OPENING HIS BURN WOUNDS! Enraged, THELDORRIN TRIES A ROUNDHOUSE KICK that is PARRIED by GOLDMAN’S RODS. He is met with a COUNTER MORE STRIKES TO THE FACE!

W.W.: THIS IS FUCKING CHEATING. HE HAS FLAMETHROWING RODS!

J.R.: It’s a NO DQ, Falls Count Anywhere match, Warrior! Besides, Theldorrin is a walking cache of weapons!

W.W.: I can’t believe it. The International Jewish Conspiracy has reached even you.

THELDORRIN activates his THRUSTERS and DASHES FORWARD, both ARMS OUTSTRETCHED FOR A CLOTHESLINE! With little time to react and little room to maneuver, GOLDMAN LEAPFROGS OVER THELDORRIN and lands behind him! THELDORRIN HITS THE ROPES, SNAPPING THEM INSTANTLY, AND SPINS AROUND TO FACE ALL FOUR RODS AIMING STRAIGHT AT HIM! HE COVERS HIS FACE AS FLAMING LAMP OIL BURSTS FROM THE RODS LIKE NAPALM AND ENGULFS THELDORRIN!

J.R.: BAH GAWD! HE’S BEING HIT BY A WAVE OF HELLFIRE!

The FLAMING LAMP OIL SPLASHES OVER THELDORRIN’S ARMOR AND ONTO THE CROWD, instantly EXPLODING SOME MEMBERS OF THE DRUNK ZONE DUE TO THEIR LETHAL BLOOD ALCOHOL CONTENT. THE FLAMING LAMP OIL BEGINS BURNING THROUGH THELDORRIN’S ARMOR! AS HE STANDS THERE, SMOKING AS THE OIL TEARS THROUGH HIM, HE NOTICES IT GETTING DANGEROUSLY CLOSE TO HIS STORES OF ROCKET FUEL! IN A DESPERATE MOVE, THELDORRIN XIV SLAMS HIS THUMB ON THE BACK OF HIS NECK AND TWISTS IT. IN A BLAST OF STEAM, THELDORRIN’S ARMOR EXPLODES OFF HIS BODY!

W.W.: What the hell, did Theldorrin explode?

FROM THE CLOUD OF SMOKE ARISES A LEANER, THINNER, SILVER THELDORRIN COVERED IN COMPLEX CIRCUITRY. In his chest is SIX TIME DIAMONDS in the shape of a CIRCLE. Theldorrin lands behind GOLDMAN INSTANTLY and at INCREDIBLE SPEEDS SHOULDER TACKLES GOLDMAN IN THE SPINE!

J.R.: Theldorrin’s removed his armor! And now he’s gained incredible speed!

As GOLDMAN begins to fall, THELDORRIN APPEARS IN FRONT OF HIM and THROWS A FRENZY OF MACH PUNCHES. Although they have lost the WEIGHT they once carried, THE SPEED MAKES UP FOR IT. GOLDMAN STUMBLES BACK and attempts to DEFLECT THELDORRIN’S ATTACKS with the RODS but finds THELDORRIN EASILY DODGING THEM! XIV kicks GOLDMAN in the GUT and FOLLOWS IT with a LUNGING PUNCH that SPRAYS HIS BLOOD INTO THE AIR and sends him to the mat!

Goldman struggles on the ground, choking on blood, while HIS AUSTIN ARMS ATTEMPT to push GOLDMAN UP! As Theldorrin approaches, GOLDMAN DEFENDS WITH HIS RODS. Theldorrin OBLITERATES THREE OF THEM by CRUSHING THE STEEL IN HIS FISTS, tossing the oily scrap metal to the ground. In desperation, THE AUSTIN ARMS GRAB THE LAST ONE AND TRIES TO IMPALE THELDORRIN but he SLASHES THE TIP OFF and KICKS HIM THE GODDAMNED FACE!

W.W.: New champion! I can feel it, J.R.!

J.R.: Gud gawd! How could you say that? Theldorrin is now just toying with him! Torturing him!

W.W.: Jesus, J.R.! Grab a fucking violin! This is the FTUW! I consider matches without torture failures! Besides, Goldman set him on fucking fire!

J.R.: Well said.

Theldorrin continues the ASSAULT, hitting him with ELBOWS and BACKHANDS, generally just beating the shit out of him. GOLDMAN slinks down, falling onto his knees as he tries to main consciousness. THELDORRIN raises an a hand that immediately begins spinning like a drill as Goldman kneels as if he were waiting to be beheaded.

“This is it, faggot.”

A BLADE PIERCES THROUGH GOLDMAN’S CHEST. THELDORRIN STOPS HIS ATTACK IN CONFUSION. HE LOOKS BEHIND GOLDMAN TO SEE THAT HIS AUSTIN ARMS HAVE SHOVED THE FUCKING GOLDEN ROD THAT HAD BEEN BROKEN AT THE TIP RIGHT THROUGH GOLDMAN’S GODDAMNED CHEST! THELDORRIN WATCHES IN HORROR AS THE HANDS SQUEEZE THE ROD AND BLAST FORTH FLAMING LAMP OIL!

J.R.: BAH GAWD! AUSTIN’S ARMS JUST SACRIFICED GOLDMAN TO KILL THELDORRIN XIV!

W.W.: HOLY FUCKING SHIT!

THE OIL SPLASHES ONTO THELDORRIN WHO, WITHOUT HIS ARMOR, IMMEDIATELY BEGINS BURNING! HE STUMBLES BACKWARDS, BATHED IN FLAMES, AS GOLDMAN CHOKES UP BLOOD.

“Y-YOU BASTARD!!” THELDORRIN SCREAMS WHILE BURNING ALIVE! HE RAISES HIS ARM AND SQUEEZES HIS FIST. SUDDENLY, THE RICHONIUM EMITS A PULSE OF ROCKATRICITY THAT TRAVELS THROUGH HIS ARM AND INTO THE CHEST! SUDDENLY, THE TIME DIAMONDS BEGIN RESONATING WITH THE ROCKATRICITY!

“TIME STOP!” Theldorrin shouts. THE FLAMING OIL HANGS IN AIR. THE FANS REMAIN STILL, THEIR FACES STUCK IN PRE-ORGASM. J.R.’S FROZEN FACE IS BASICALLY THE SAME. Theldorrin moves away from the fire burning his metallic skin. He activates the Halon dispenser which douses his body of the clinging oil fire.

“I haven’t been pushed this far in awhile …” Theldorrin mutters to Goldman who is stuck on the ground, blood paused in mid-drip from his chest. “But this is where it ends, Jew. Time resumes.”

J.R.: WAIT! H-HE MOVED! THELDORRIN IS BEHIND HIM NOW!

W.W.: HE’S NOT ON FIRE, EITHER! WHAT THE SHIT?!

GOLDMAN CONTINUES SHAKING, HIS BODY NEAR A FATAL AMOUNT OF BLOOD LOSS. THELDORRIN AIMS HIS MOBIUS BAND FROM A SAFE DISTANCE, CHARGING WHAT LITTLE POWER HIS RICHONIUM CRYSTAL HAS LEFT AFTER THE TIME STOP TO BLOW HIS BRAINS OUT. Theldorrin becomes ENRAPTURED IN THIS MOMENT. Perhaps that’s why he didn’t notice the rumbling in the crowd. Or the bodies of FANS flying through the air. OR THE FIGURE DRESSED IN WHITE FUCKING FLYING RIGHT AT HIM!

AN EXPERTLY PLACED FLYING KICK CRUSHES THELDORRIN’S ALREADY REPEATEDLY BATTERED FACE INTO A BLOODY MESS! THELDORRIN IS SENT FLYING, SLAMMING INTO THE TURNBUCKLE AND SNAPPING THE REMAINING UNSEVERED RING ROPES AND KNOCKING THE POST INTO THE GROUND WHERE IT’LL IMPALE THREE FANS SIMULTANEOUSLY! AS THELDORRIN CHOKES ON HIS OWN FLUIDS, HE CRAWLS ALONG THE CROWD SLOWLY, WHEEZING AND PANTING.

HE LOOKS UP SLOWLY AND SEES WHAT HE NEVER EXPECTED TO SEE AGAIN. WHAT HE HOPED HE NEVER SEE AGAIN.

IT’S A MAN DRESSED IN A WHITE SCHOOL UNIFORM AND SPORTING A LARGE, BLACK POMPADOUR.

J.R.: BAH GAWD!! BAH GAWD!! IS THAT … IT’S FUCKING RAKKYU SAKETUMI!!

W.W.: GFUUFUFCKK!!

THE CROWD IS STUNNED IN SILENCE AS GOLDMAN LAYS SEVERELY INJURED AND THELDORRIN INCAPACITATED AS THE JAPANESE WARRIOR THOUGHT TO BE DEAD IS ALIVE AND WELL.

“S-S-Saketumi … !!” THELDORRIN CHOKES OUT, TREMBLING WITH FEAR AND UNBRIDLED RAGE.

“So …” the man speaks in unbroken English, “You’re the one. You’re ‘Theldorrin’?”

“W-Who are you … ?”

“Just a man … looking to TEST HIS STRENGTH!” he laughs, DASHING FORWARD AND THROWING LIGHTNING FAST, CHUN-LI ESQUE KICKS! THELDORRIN SLIDES BACK, THE FORCE OF THE BLOWS PUSHING HIM DESPITE BLOCKING EVERY ATTACK.

“Hmph!” the man in the white school uniform smirks before SWITCHING TO AN ASSAULT OF BLINDING FAST FISTS! THELDORRIN TAKES THE BLOWS AT FIRST, CRATERS FORMING IN HIS METALLIC SKIN, BEFORE COUNTERING WITH HIS OWN MACH PUNCHES! THE TWO TRADE FISTS AT HIGH SPEEDS, KNUCKLES CLASHING WITH KNUCKLES, UNTIL THE JAPANESE MAN IN THE SCHOOL UNIFORM BACKFLIPS AWAY.

“Haha!” the man admires his broken, bloody knuckles. Theldorrin kneels in the corner, panting. Exhausted. Saketumi raises his fists as Theldorrin attempts to maintain consciousness. His eyes slowly close … but SNAP OPEN, KEEPING THE MAN IN HIS SIGHTS. But his body can’t keep up for long. As soon as he closes his eyes, THE MAN DASHES FORWARD AT INCREDIBLE SPEEDS! THELDORRIN RE-OPENS HIS EYES TO SEE THE MAN IN THE WHITE UNIFORM UNDER HIM, SPRINGING UP WITH HIS HANDS AND COLLIDING A FOOT INTO THELDORRIN’S JAW!

W.W.: S-SOMEONE STOP HIM!

As THELDORRIN FLIES UPWARDS, TWENTY FEET ABOVE THE RING, THE MAN CROUCHES DOWN AND COLLECTS HIS ENERGY.

“TRY THIS! ETERNAL … !” the man STOPS AS GOLDMAN FLIES ABOVE HIM, SLAMMING BOTH HIS AND AUSTIN’S ELBOWS INTO HIS FACE! THE IMPACT BUSTS OPEN HIS FACE AND SENDS HIM SPRAWLING AGAINST THE MAT!

J.R.: THE GOD’S CHOSEN’S PEOPLE’S ELBOW! GOLDMAN STILL HAS SOME FIGHT LEFT IN HIM!

The man in the white school uniform stands up, his legs shaken from the SURPRISE ATTACK. His smirk has been replaced with anger. HE CURSES IN JAPANESE AND DASHES FORWARD. Goldman, dazed, stands there as AUSTIN’S ARM YANKS OUT THE GOLDEN ROD PIERCING HIS BODY AND PROCEEDS TO GIVE THE MAN THE FUCKING FINGER. THE MAN IN THE WHITE UNIFORM MOVES WITH INCREDIBLE GRACE FOR THE UGLY MOVE HE’S ABOUT TO PERFORM. USING HIS MOMENTUM, HE EXPERTLY HEADBUTTS THE SHIT OUT OF GOLDMAN’S BATTERED FACE! GOLDMAN ROCKETS FROM THE BLOW AND HITS THE MAT, BOUNCING OFF HIS FACE!

J.R.: A HEADBUTT!!

The pompadoured man grabs at his head, muttering “A-Atatata!” in pain. He rolls out of the ring, still holding his forehead, as he leaps into the CROWD and beats the shit out of fans and security as he moves through. THELDORRIN FALLS FROM THE UNFINISHED TECHNIQUE AND SPLASHES THE SHIT OUT OF GOLDMAN! The referee, a mere bystander until now, HITS THE MAT AND BEGINS THE COUNT!

J.R.: NO! GODDAMNIT NO!

OOOOOOOOOOOOOONE!!




W.W.: Bad luck, J.R.! That guy whipped both their asses and Theldorrin has come on top! Hahaha!




TWOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!






THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!! THELDORRIN XIV IS THE NEW CHAMP!

W.W.: PRAISE THE LORD!

J.R.: DAMNIT! That man, Saketumi-

W.W.: Theldorrin was about to beat the shit out of GOLDMAN anyway! Who cares! That Jap, whoever he was – they all look alike – just delayed the inevitable! ALL HAIL THE TWO-TIME CHAMP!

Medics rush the ring to attend to both of the critically injured fighters.

W.W.: A valiant and courageous blow has been struck against the Jew media! Thank you, McHarris, for those money-grubbing hook-nosed sons of bitches in their place! And thank you, too, Rakkyu Saketumi, if that’s who you are.

J.R.: The belt has changed hands at the past two Pay-Per-Views! Moloch Arschloch was the favorite going into his match with Goldman as he seemed to be the type of champion who was going to hold the belt for a long period of time! However, he lost and then got killed by some cunt!

W.W.: I’ll admit, Goldman put one hell of a fight against Arschloch and now Theldorrin, but let’s face facts! Theldorrin worked harder for it and got what he deserved!

J.R.: Worked harder?

W.W.: Don’t make me spell it out for you. Goldman probably spent his time sitting in bath houses and complaining about his- shit, I don’t know, I ran out of kike jokes last match! Theldorrin’s the champ, hooray!

[Yogurtman]

J.R.: Anyway, from one heart-pounding match to another, we are switching to the MAIN EVENT OF THE NIGHT! The titular match of this Pay-Per-View! THE ROYAL RAPING!

W.W.: I like the looks of this match, J.R.! That faggot GOD better get ready because the FTUW is going to send a ton of fucks his way with this match!

J.R.: But Warrior, I thought you were a Christian!

W.W.: You know what, J.R.? After the last Pay-Per-View, I was sitting in my dressing room praying to God that all the faggots in the world would die of AIDS. McHarris caught me praying and then PROCEEDED TO STUNNER MY ASS! After I got out of traction, McHarris told me he INVENTED AIDS and there was no longer a doubt in my mind. McHarris is my new, personal savior! That beautiful man has answered ten times as many of prayers than God ever did! All praise be unto him!

J.R.: Insightful as always, Warrior! Now, let’s go to TODD LIGHTNING who will be explaining the rules of this match!

Todd Lightning stands in the middle of the ring with a microphone in hand. Behind him is another wrestling, about twenty feet away from the one he’s standing in. And to the sides of those two are two more wrestling rings.

Lightning: Ladies and gentleman, welcome … TO THE MAIN EVENT!

The crowd explodes, in some areas literally as mines under the seats detonate. The FTUW staff mops the blood and guts away as they lead more fans to the now vacant seats.

Lightning: The following match is THE ROOOOYAAAAAL RAAAAPIIIING!! First, two of FTUW’s very own will be randomly chosen to enter the bout and face off in this very ring. The object of the goal is to toss your opponent somewhere outside the ring! Once they touch, a chip implanted in their body will resonate with sensors placed ALL AROUND the arena and the wrestler will be severely electrocuted, most likely into a coma! This will result in an elimination!

The fans erupt!

Lightning: Don’t try to move too much folks as the technology is still somewhat iffy and the electric currents RUN ALL OVER the arena and can shock you to death at any time! Even a wrestler is knocked from the rings into the stands he will still be electrocuted and eliminated!

The fans erupt but in a quieter, more reserved way.

Lightning: Every three minutes a NEW WRESTLER will make his entrance! But once inside the ring, his chip will activate and he will not be allowed to leave the ring without being electrocuted and eliminated until a winner is declared! Also, every TEN MINUTES one of the RINGS WILL EXPLODE AT RANDOM until there is only ONE RING LEFT!

The FANS POP at this statement, a few unlucky ones being shocked to death for moving too much.

Lightning: NOW, LET’S FIGHT!

Lightning ducks out of the ring and high tails it for safety as the LIGHTS DIM. THE DARKNESS IS PIERCED BY A MULTI-COLORED STROBE LIGHT as PASSIONATE MOANS PLAY OVER THE PA SYSTEM. Faggy Euro music begins playing as KRYSTOL STRUTS TO THE RING IN A SILK THONG and basically nothing else! Accompanied with him are nude men and women rubbing his crystallized body. Krystol ignores the CHORUS OF BOOS and makes his way to the ring, ordering his servants to lay down so as he may use them as stairs to enter the ring.

W.W.: GODDAMN FUCKING FAGGOT FAG. I pray to thee, McHarris, to CRUSH THAT FUCKING SHINY FAGGOT AND SEND HIM TO HELL.

J.R.: Krystol turned around his losing streak the past few months with a win against Sella Phayne tonight! Although he’s starting the Royal Raping, there’s no doubt he’s gunning for a shot at the FTUW Championship!

The lights dim again and the crowd grows silent. SUDDENLY, THE IMAGE OF A BALD EAGLE FLYING APPEARS ON THE FAGGOTRON. “I AM REAL AMERICAN” BEGINS BLASTING OVER THE PA SYSTEM!

J.R.: BAH GAWD! It’s THE ANT KING! Business is picking up!

THE ANT KING STRUTS OUT OF THE ENTRANCE blasting his AK-47 into the air and screaming “YAAAAAAAAAA MOTHER BITCHES!!” HOLDING THE NON-NON-AMERICAN CHAMPIONSHIP OVER HIS HEAD, he MARCHES TO THE RING as FANS CHEER HIM ON, one GROUP BODYSURFING A DEAD CHICK over to ANT KING SO HE CAN COP A FEEL! AND HE DOES!

J.R.: A damn fine champion the Ant King is! The fans love him! Seeing him make such an entrance shows me how wrong it was to question his health and how justified the ass beating I received from him was.

W.W.: And why not? THEY LOVE AMERICA. I don’t care if the ANT KING is a giant ant monster or not, HE BLEEDS RED, WHITE, AND BLUE. IF ANT KING ISN’T AMERICAN, THAN I’M INSANE, CLOSET HOMOSEXUAL WHO SUFFERS FROM ROID RAGE AND GOES TO GAY BARS TO PICK FIGHTS.

The ANT KING LEAPS INTO THE RING and hands his AK-47, begrudgingly, to the referee.

”Hoo hoo hoo!” KRYSTOL laughs into his hand as he does a body-contorting, homo pose, “I can’t believe that once again they dare set in front of such a disgusting abomination!”

“YO THUNDER BITCH!!! I’MMA EAT YOUR DIAMOND ASS AND ASS SHIT CUBIC ZIRCONIUM!! THEN ALL YOUR BITCHES ARE GONNA SLOTHER OVER MY EXO-COCK UNTIL I BLAST MY HOT MAN GRAVY IN YOUR MOTHERS EARR!!!!!” the ANT KING SPOUTS as the CROWD EXPLODES IN CHEERS.

“Tch! Your words are as depraved and disgusting as you yourself! I will no longer PERMIT SUCH UGLINESS IN FRONT OF MY GLORIOUS VISAGE! I’ll TAKE the belt and CREATE A WORLD OF BEAUTY, starting with YOU, ANT KING!”

“BRRRIIING IT ON YOU SUM MA NA BITCH!!!”

THE BELL SOUNDS AND THE TWO CLASH! Each begin with RIGHT HOOKS THAT SLAM into EACH OTHER’S FACES! The forces of the blows knock them back and cause them to bleed! Although they both share incredibly durable bodies, THE HARDNESS OF THEIR FISTS were able CRACK SUCH ARMOR. Krystol LEAPS FORWARD and slams a DIAMOND KNUCKLE into ANT KING’S ABDOMEN! The knuckles form a crack in his EXOSKELETON that causes ANT KING TO GROAN IN PAIN! Ant King retaliates with a FUCKING ELBOW with the strength of TWENTY TIMES HIS OWN BODY WEIGHT BEHIND IT! Krystol’s face is CHIPPED BY THE BLAST, causing BLOOD to squirt from his nose and sends him flying into a turnbuckle!

“Y-You! I carved my face into perfection!” Krystol begins to tremble, “You monster!” KRYSTOL KIPS to his FEET and raises his palms upward, FORMING EMERALDS in his hands! He releases into the air and PUNCHES them with his DIAMOND KNUCKLES at JUST THE RIGHT SPOT, sending them like bullets! Ant King blocks the STORM OF JEWELS, damaging himself but mostly deflecting the emeralds through the bodies of fans!

A clock on the side of the TELEVISION SCREEN says there’s only two minutes until another wrestler enters and only nine until a ring explodes!

ANT KING SLAMS INTO THE ROPES and TUCKS HIMSELF INTO THE BALL. THE RING ROPES STRETCH AND STRETCH UNTIL LAUNCHING THE ANT KING LIKE A BULLET TOWARDS KRYSTOL! Krystol DODGES the ANT BOULDER with a BACKFLIP! However, the ANT KING hits the ROPES AGAIN and REBOUNDS, SLAMMING INTO KRYSTOL! Both men FLY OVER THE RING ROPES AND OUTSIDE THE RING!

J.R.: This may be it! Only two minutes in and we have have our FIRST TWO ELIMINATIONS!

W.W.: Say it ain’t so, J.R.!

In desperation, KRYSTOL plucks a few STRANDS OF HIS MAJESTIC GOLDEN HAIR. With quick precision, he ties the golden strands together as a LASSO AND HURLS IT TOWARDS A NEARBY RING! Grappling the ring post successfully, the ANT KINT and KRYSTOL’S DIRECTION IS CHANGED, SWINGING THEM INTO THE OTHER RING! Immediately, the two spring to their feet and begin DUKING IT OUT SOME MORE!

J.R.: I don’t know if these two will leave much for their title fight at Extreme Hardcore: Fuck You 2006!

The BUZZER SOUNDS signifying a NEW SUPERSTAR WILL BE MAKING HIS WAY TO THE RING! Generic oriental music set over a monotonous beat ANNOUNCES THE ENTRANCE OF ROBERT MCCOY! As he bursts onto the stage he DISPLAYS STEVE BLACKMAN LEVELS OF CHARISMA, performing standing punches while shouting “KEEH!” over and over.

W.W.: Wow, it’s Robert McCoy.

J.R.: FTUW’s perennial underdog! Last Pay-Per-View he scored his first victory by being funnier than Carlos Mencia!

“Sensei …” McCoy thinks to himself, “It was with your training that I reached this far.”

McCoy charges towards the ring where both ANT KING and KRYSTOL are exchanging vicious blows. A giant light hanging from the rafters silhouettes the McCoy.

“The greatest stage of all! If I can win here … I can become … THE FTUW CHAMPION!”

MCCOY LEAPS THROUGH THE AIR AND SHOUTS “KIYAH!” WITH A FOOT OUTSTRETCHED.

“I’LL DO IT, SENSEI!!” MCCOY SCREAMS! Krystol slams an elbow into his face as he flies by. The force sends McCoy into one of the other four rings, his nose broken and unconscious.

W.W.: Good night!

Krystol grabs the ANT KING by his arm and slams his into the nearest turnbuckle. He back flips and takes a wide stance, FORMING EMERALDS ON HIS PALMS. With high precision flicks of his fingers, the EMERALDS SPLASH and RIDDLE ANT KING’S FRAME! The emeralds CRACK his EXOSKELETON but bounce off like ricocheting bullets. “GRAAAARGH!” ANT KING SCREAMS, SLOWLY STOMPING FORWARD AS HE’S ASSAULTED WITH HIGH SPEED JEWELS. Ant King FUCKING SUPER CLOTHESLINES KRYSTOL, causing him to FLIP NEARLY THREE TIMES before LANDING!

J.R.: Bah Gawd! Ant King nearly took his head off!

As the two wrestlers recuperate the TIMER says there’s only one minute until another superstar appears and five until a ring explodes!

ANT KING lifts up KRYSTOL by his GOLDEN HAIR and LOCKS HIS ARM AROUND HIS HEAD, PREPPING THE DDT. Krystol BREAKS FREE by repeatedly jamming his DIAMOND KNUCKLES INTO KING’S BODY. Krystol attempts to HURL ANOTHER STRAIGHT but ANT KING DODGES and CATCHES HIS ARM! Slamming HEADBUTT AFTER HEADBUTT INTO KRYSTOL’S HEAD, HE LETS HIM GO, STUMBLING AROUND HAZY. Ant King TAKES A KUNG FU STANCE.

J.R.: COULD IT BE … ?!

”JET LI KUNG FU STRIKE BIOTCH!!” ANT KING SCREAMS. IMMEDIATELY, ANT KING MOVES AT INHUMAN SPEEDS, UNLEASHING A FLURRY OF PUNCHES AND KICKS! KRYSTOL SHAKES FROM THE BLOW SO FAST IT LOOKS LIKE HE’S HAVING A SEIZURE! SHARDS OF JEWELS BLAST OFF HIS BODY AS ANT KING CONTINUES THE LIGHTNING COMBO. AS ANT KING FINISHES 1,477 ATTACKS IN HIS MOST POWERFUL TECHNIQUE, HE THROWS THE FINAL PUNCH!

W.W.: THAT QUEER IS GOING TO FUCKING DIE!

BUT KRYSTOL CATCHES THE FIST IN HIS PALM! ANT KING, TOO EXHAUSTED TO MOVE, JUST STARES AT THE BLEEDING KRYSTOL. BLOOD SPURTS FROM KRYSTOL’S MOUTH AND HE FALLS FACE FIRST ONTO THE MAT. Ant King looks at his battered and bloodied fists and feet from SLAMMING THEM INTO KRYSTOL’S SKIN before falling to his knees. A BUZZER GOES OFF!

J.R.: ANOTHER SUPERSTAR IS COMING!

THE LIGHTS DIM AND SINGLE SPOTLIGHT FOCUSES ON THE ENTRANCE. However, after several seconds, no one appears. THE SPOTLIGHT MOVES UP to SHOW MOHAMMED JAFFER BIN ADBUL DESTRUCTION SPEEDING DOWN A ZIP LINE ATTACHED TO A HARNESS AROUND HIS BODY!

W.W.: IT’S THAT DAMN BIN DESTRUCTION!

The fans begin booing as DESTRUCTION MAKES A BEELINE TOWARDS THE WOUNDED ANT KING, his ARMS STRETCHED OUT AT HIS SIDES. HE SCREAMS “GRAHAALGGKAKHKABA” AND REMOVES THE HARNESS, FLYING AT THE ANT KING LIKE A BULLET!

J.R.: 9/11! 9/11!

BIN DESTRUCTION SLAMS HEADFIRST INTO ANT KING’S EXOSKELETON AND CRACKS IT! BIN DESTRUCTION, NOW WITH A BROKEN NECK, CONVULSES ON THE GROUND AS THE ANT KING VOMITS UP BLOOD!

W.W.: That one move TOOK OUT ALL OUR WRESTLERS!

“Allah! Give me the strength to slay these infidels!” Bin Destruction mutters as he climbs to his feet, his neck contorted to one side. DESTRUCTION swings his HEAD INTO A RING POST, CORRECTING HIS SEVERAL SPINAL INJURY. Looking at the injured Krystol and Ant King in his ring, he reaches into his turban and pulls out his BOXCUTTER SWORD.

“Who should I behead first? The homosexual or the beloved American hero?” DESTRUCTION THINKS, LICKING THE BLADE! HE CHOOSES THE ANT KING AND BRINGS HIS BLADE DOWN! Ant King, in the knick of time, ROLLS BACKWARDS TO DODGE THE BLADE! Immediately Destruction swings again, ANT KING BLOCKING THE BLADE WITH HIS ARM. However, blood squirts from his wrist, showing that even his exoskeleton can’t stand up to everything!

W.W.: What the SHIT?! How does Bin Destruction keep sneaking these fucking weapons in here?!

ANOTHER SLASH severs the RING ROPES as ANT KING CONTINUES TO DODGE! Destruction JAMS his BOX CUTTER into ANT KING’S CRACKED EXOSKELETON, PIERCING FLESH! One minute until another superstar appears. Two minutes until a ring explodes.

J.R.: He’s been impaled!

THE ANT KING jerks his body, breaking the BOX CUTTER off into his body. “I’M GOING TO FUCK YOU SO HARD YOU DIE A RUPTURED COLON!!!!” ANT KING YANKS THE BLADE OUT AND FUCKING CHARGES AT BIN DESTRUCTION! DESTRUCTION LEAPS BACKWARDS AND HURLS A DOZEN BOX CUTTERS LIKE SHURIKENS THAT ANT KING FUCKING TAKES WITHOUT STOPPING!

“A-ALLA-“ DESTRUCTION SPITS OUT BEFORE GETTING A GODDAMNED FOOT SHOVED THROUGH HIS MOTHERFUCKING FACE! DESTRUCTION HITS THE ROPES, BLOOD SPRAYING FROM HIS MOUTH AREA, REBOUNDING AND SLAMMING FACE FIRST IN THE MAT! THE CROWD ERUPTS INTO A “ANT KING” CHANT!

W.W.: KILL THOSE FUCKING DEGENERATES, ANT KING!

J.R.: You gotta respect Ant King’s Never-Say-Die attitude!

The ANT KING, weary, leaps onto the turnbuckle! HE CALLS OUT INTO THE AUDIENCE!

”PICCOLO YOU FUCKING BITCH!!!” he SHOUTS.

“YEAH, BOSS?!” PICCOLO REPLIES BACK, STANDING UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CROWD.

“TOSS ME THAT GOOD SHITT, MOTHER SLICE!!!!” ANT KING SCREAMS. PICCOLO SUDDENLY HURLS A LINE OF MACHINE GUN BULLETS! ANT KING snatches the LINE OF BULLETS OUT OF THE AIR.

J.R.: Wait, what the hell is he going to do with that?!

ANT KING BEGINS FEEDING THE BULLETS DOWN HIS THROAT AS BIN DESTRUCTION STARTS TO MAKE IT TO HIS FEET! VEINS APPEAR ALL OVER ANT KING’S BODY as SWEAT pours from his HEAD! Suddenly, a GIGANTIC FUCKING MINIGUN MOTHERFUCKING EJECTS FROM ANT KING’S ASS!

W.W.: OH NO. OH FUCK NO OH FUFCK CU!

“YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHGHHGHGHGHGG” ANT KING GARGLES AS HE SHOVES BULLETS DOWN HIS FUCKING THROAT WHILE FIRING THE MINIGUN STUCK IN HIS ASS!!

J.R.: BAAH GAAWD!! BAAAH GAWWD!!

THE FUCKING BULLETS TEAR THROUGH BIN DESTRUCTION, REDUCING HIS SHREDS! THE FANS WATCH IN HORROR AS DESTRUCTION IS REDUCED TO A LIQUID BY ANT KING’S ASS BULLETS!! AND, OF COURSE, RANDOM FANS ARE KILLED IN THE PROCESS.

W.W.: AND I THOUGHT I’VE SEEN EVERYTHING!

With one last GRUNT, ANT KING SHITS OUT THE SMOKING MINIGUN on the MAT. THE RELIEF IS INDESCRIBABLE. Ant King slumps down off the turnbuckle as soon as the BUZZER HITS. “I AM A REAL CHINAMEN” BEGINS TO BLARE FROM THE PA SYSTEM! EVERYONE GETS ON THE EDGE OF THEIR SEAT.

J.R.: OH GOD NO! IT’S FUCKING GUAN FEI! FORMER NON-AMERICAN CHAMPION! THIS SHIT JUST KEEPS GETTING MORE INSANE!

TO AN EXPLOSION OF CHEERS, Guan Fei charges out on MECHA AFRICAN DREAM! He charges towards the ring and LEAPS FROM HIS STEED, LANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RING in the pile of DESTRUCTION’S REMAINS. Ant King struggles to stand.

“It is time … once again … for us to duel,” Guan Fei says to Ant King, his BEARD FLOW MAJESTICALLY, “ETERNAL RIVAL!”

Blood dripping from his body, panting heavily, the ANT KING SMILES. “LET’S DO THIS SHIZNIT!!” ANT KING SCREAMS!

J.R.: AND HE ACCEPTS THE CHALLENGE! ANT KING REFUSES TO GIVE UP!

And the two, once again, CLASH FISTS! ANT KING begins ASSAULTING GUAN FEI who endures the blows and COUNTERS with a MYSTICAL KUNG FU PALM! Ant King hits the ROPES and COMES BACK, DOING A GODDAMN LIU KANG BICYCLE KICK! Guan Fei BLOCKS THE ATTACK, HIS ARMS BEING PUMMELED WITH REPEATED BLOWS, before GRABBING HIS FOOT AND HURLING HIM INTO THE CORNER!

“1,000 Needles of the Singing Porcupine!” Guan Fei announces, WHIPPING HIS HEAD! The force of the swing UNLEASHES A THOUSAND BEARD HAIRS, all at ANT KING! The hairs, LIKE NEEDLES, pierce the ANT KING’S EXOSKELETON!

W.W.: No! Ant King! You gotta pull through it and KICK HIS ASS LIKE LAST TIME!

J.R.: IF ANT KING KEEPS TAKING THIS KIND OF DAMAGE THERE WON’T BE A NEXT TIME!

Ant King falls forward, BLOODY AS SHIT, but CATCHES HIM BEFORE CRASHING TO THE MAT! He charges forward and HITS GUAN FEI IN THE FACE WITH A SHUFFLE SIDE KICK! Guan Fei, temporarily stunned, IS UNPREPARED FOR KING’S FLYING CLOTHESLINE! However, at the last second, GUAN FEI DUCKS AND ANT KING CONTINUES TOWARDS THE ROPES!

J.R.: That very clothesline nearly took Krystol’s head off!

BEFORE ANT KING HITS THE ROPES, HE SEES KRYSTOL ON THE GROUND, SMIRKING. Clutched in his HAND IS THREE EMERALDS. AS SOON AS HE REALIZES, IT’S TOO LATE. KRYSTOL FLICKS THE THREE EMERALDS, SNAPPING THE THREE RING ROPES! ANT KING’S BACK HIT NOTHING AND FLIES OUT OF THE RING!

W.W.: AAANT KIIING!!

ANT KING CRASHES ONTO THE GROUND AND IMMEDIATELY IS ELECTROCUTED!

“BOSS!” PICCOLO SCREAMS FROM HIS SEAT IN THE CROWD! THE ANT KING HAS BEEN ELIMINATED!

W.W.: THAT NO GOOD, GODDAMN SON OF A BITCH!

J.R.: It’s a FREE FOR ALL, Warrior! Anything can happen at any time!

Guan Fei looks dejected at not being able to CONTINUE HIS GLORIOUS BATTLE AGAINST HIS OLD FOE. He turns his eyes to KRYSTOL who is now rising to his feet!

“That beard … how disgusting!” Krystol scoffs while leaning against the ropes, “You are the next one TO BE CRUSHED BY THE POWER OF BEAUTY!”

“Disgusting?! Hah! My beard alone would make a fine husband who could bear many strong children and gain the respect from the men of not only HIS village but neighboring villages as well! You, however, would be better suited as some man’s wife! Haha!”

“Well, then,” Krystol RUBS HIS HANDS OVER HIS CRYSTAL SKIN, “LET’S GET STARTED!” Immediately he falls to his KNEES and SLAMS HIS PALMS INTO THE GROUND! A SECOND LATER JAGGED RED CRYSTALS BURST FROM THE MAT AND CONTINUE TOWARDS FEI IN A WAVE! Guan Fei leaps backwards and lands on a turnbuckle! However, as Guan Fei turns back to his opponent he finds him AIRBORNE, LEAPING FROM THE RING.

“The only thing SECOND to BEAUTY is INTELLIGENCE,” KRYSTOL SMIRKS, “THAT RING YOU ARE STANDING IN WILL EXPLODE IN THREE SECONDS!”

A SPOTLIGHT CASTS ITSELF ON GUAN FEI’S RING. Krystol slams into the mat of another ring and rolls.

J.R.: BAH GAWD! GUAN FEI! HE’S GOING TO-

AND THE RING EXPLODES WITH GUAN FEI IN IT! DUST AND ROCK FILL THE AIR! SHRAPNEL COLLIDES WITH THE FACES OF FANS!

W.W.: GUAN FEI IS … DEAD?!

As the FLAMES SUBSIDE and THE SMOKE CLEARS, the camera reveals … NOTHING! GUAN FEI ISN’T THERE! Krystol’s smug SATISFACTION TRANSFORMS INTO WORRY AS THE CRATER REVEALS NOTHING, NOT EVEN HIS BODY! And his WORRY TRANSFORMS INTO TERROR AS HE SEES GUAN FEI DESCEND FROM THE RAFTERS!

J.R.: BAH GAWD! GRECO ROMANCE OF THE THREE KINGDOMS!

GUAN FEI SPLASHES ONTO OF KRYSTOL, KNOCKING HIM THROUGH THE FUCKING RING AND CAUSING THE WHOLE THING TO COLLAPSE! KRYSTOL VOMITS UP BLOOD BEFORE BEING ELECTROCUTED! GUAN FEI STANDS ON TOP OF THE SUPER FAG AND PUTS OUT THE FIRE ON HIS ROBE. KRYSTOL HAS BEEN ELIMINATED BUT GUAN FEI IS SAFE AS HE STANDS ON TOP OF HIM!

W.W.: TAKE THAT YOU FUCKING QUEER! HAHAHA! YES!

Guan Fei LEAPS from KRYSTOL’S BODY and uses his BEARD TO HANG GLIDE TO ONE OF THE TWO REMAINING RINGS. Just then, the BUZZER SOUNDS!

Backstage, Charles Bronson is leaving the FTUW arena when a STAFF MEMBER COMES UP AND STOPS HIM.

“You’re up next, Mr. Bronson, sir!” the man tells him.

“I’m not interested in some damn belt,” Bronson replies, lighting a cigar.

“Mr. McHarris wanted to tell you that if you win, you can choose a different prize.”

“You know, I’ll kill him on my own terms. Tell him to shove any match he has in mind up his ass.”

“No, that’s not what he meant. He wanted me to tell you that Andre is still alive.”

Bronson turns his head sharply to face the aide. He curses and heads off towards the FTUW entrance.

J.R.: Here he is, folks! I thought he wasn’t coming for a second. The next superstar to come to the ring is Charles Bronson! He capped off the night by beating both Masterson and Bin Destruction in what was supposed to be a tag match!

A referee approaches Bronson, asking nervously for his revolver. Bronson shoves it into his chest and pushes him away, removing his trench coat as he marches towards the ring. Bronson is all business now.

BRONSON leaps onto the APRON and hops over the ropes. Guan Fei strokes his beard as he waits for his opponent.

“A man with such a fine mustache such as yours must be a strong opponent!” Guan Fei smiles, “Let us begin!”

The two STEP FORWARD AND IMMEDIATELY GRAPPLE. GUAN FEI OVERTAKES HIM AND SLAMS HIS FACE WITH A BULLDOG. Bronson TACKLES GUAN FEI’S KNEES AND HITS A SIDE WALK SLAM! Guan Fei springs up DECKS HIS WITH A WUSHU SPINNING ELBOW! Bronson hits the ground but before he can move GUAN FEI LANDS ON HIS BACK AND PUTS HIM IN THE CAMEL CLUTCH!

J.R.: I don’t know how effective Bronson is without his weapons!

As Bronson’s neck is being pulled back, HE DIGS HIS FINGERS INTO GUAN FEI’S HANDS and USES HIS IMMENSE ZOMBIE STRENGTH to BREAK FREE FROM THE HOLD. The Vigilante climbs to his feet SLAMS a FIST DEEP into Guan Fei’s stomach, almost causing the WHOLE HAND TO DISAPPEAR. As Guan Fei buckles over, BRONSON claps his HANDS ONTO HIS HEAD, CRASHING THEM LIKE CYMBALS!

J.R.: MURPHY’S LAW!

VEINS BULGE AS BRONSON SQUEEZES GUAN FEI’S HEAD. BLOOD TRICKS FROM HIS NOSE AND SOON HIS EMPTY EYE SOCKET. GUAN FEI TAKES HIS BEARD AND WHIPS IT INTO BRONSON’S FACE! His eyes FILLED WITH NEEDLES, he stumbles back allowing GUAN FEI TO HIT THE FUCKING DDT, shoving his HEAD IN THE GODDAMNED MAT!

THEN THE BUZZER SOUNDS!

W.W.: ANOTHER ENTRANT!

One of Sella Phayne’s songs begins BLASTING as HE DRIVES THROUGH THE ENTRANCE IN HIS PIMPED OUT FORD! Phayne is SOBBING WITHOUT THE DISMEMBERED HEAD OF HIS TREASURED COMPANION as he RACES RECKLESSY TOWARDS THE RING!

W.W.: These superstars need to stop trying to outdo each other’s entrances.

PHAYNE CRASHES INTO THE RING WHILE FIRING HIS UZI, knocking BRONSON AND GUAN FEI off balance and just plain knocking PHAYNE THE FUCK OUT from slamming his face into the steering wheel. Bronson mutters “Finally” and walks over to the FORD, leaning through the ropes to KICK OUT THE WINDSHIELD. He reaches in and snatches PHAYNE’S UZI.

J.R.: Now this is Bronson’s forte!

CHARLES BRONSON spins around and FIRES THE UZI AT POINT-BLANK RANGE AT GUAN FEI! Fei takes BULLETS TO THE SHOULDERS but FORTUNATELY HIS MIGHTY BEARD DEFLECTS THOSE AT HIS TORSO. Falling to one knee, BRONSON changes CLIPS AND AIMS AGAIN. UNLOADING THE UZI, K’UNT-SMAK HIDES HIMSELF IN HIS BEARD TO SHIELD HIMSELF FROM THE BULLETS.

W.W.: IT’S A FACIAL HAIR COCOON, J.R.!

EMPTYING the weapon, Bronson curses and tosses it away. HE WALKS UP TO THE BEARD BALL AND KICKS IT. HIS EYES WIDEN WHEN THE BEARD FALLS APART AND REVEALS NOTHING IS THERE!

“JADE SPEAAAAAR!!” BRONSON HEARS GUAN FEI SHOUT! He turns upward to see FEI DESCENDING FROM THE RAFTERS AT HIGH SPEEDS! UNABLE TO MOVE IN TIME, THE JADE SPEAR CONNECTS AND BRONSON EXPLODES! Bronson’s head rolls out of the ring and onto the floor, electrocuting it. BRONSON HAS BEEN ELIMINATED!

J.R.: GUAN FEI HAS ELIMINATED ANOTHER! He’s hungry for that FTUW CHAMPIONSHIP TITLE SHOT!

THE LIGHTS DIM AND THE BUZZER SOUNDS ONCE MORE!

W.W.: Who’s going to be the NEXT ENTRANT?!

A lumbering, slobbering MONSTROSITY BEGINS DRAGGING ITSELF ONTO THE ENTRANCE RAMP. His retarded MUSCULAR FRAME IS HUNCHED OVER, CUFFS WITH BROKEN CHAINS ATTACHED TO HIS WRISTS. It’s GODDAMNED PAPPY ARSCHLOCH!

J.R.: BAH GAWD! PAPPY ARSCHLOCH?! WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING HERE?

W.W.: McHarris told me he had acquired some new talent but I never expected this!

PAPPY ARSCHLOCH charges to the RING in an ALMOST ANIMAL LIKE CHARGE! He RAVENOUSLY SLASHES AT FANS ON THE WAY, FILLING THEIR ENTRAILS INTO HIS MASSIVE FISTS. WITH A MIGHTY LEAP, HE’S IN THE RING AND STARING DOWN GUAN FEI.

“My ancestors surely have brought such a monstrosity for me to battle and prove my worth as the HEIR TO THE NAME OF GUAN!” Guan Fei says! Pappy drools before SLASHING AT GUAN FEI, SENDING HIM CRASHING INTO THE FLOOR! LIKE A BEAR, PAPPY STRIKES AT HIM WITH HIS PAW-LIKE FIST, sending him TUMBLING ACROSS THE RING. The Minister of Beards REACHES UP and USES THE ROPES AS SUPPORT but the MONSTROUS PAPPY slams a FIST INTO HIS GUT, sending the CHINESE CHAMPION into the TURNBUCKLE.

J.R.: Pappy is giving Guan Fei a good ol’ fashioned ass-whoopin’!

PAPPY begins his charge, dragging his ARMS while his tongue hangs from his mouth. On the turnbuckle, FEI CAN ONLY BLOCK as the MONSTER CLAWS AT HIM, cutting DEEP INTO HIS ARMS! In desperation, SLAMS HIS FINGERS INTO THE SIDE of PAPPY ARSCHLOCH … but it does no good!

W.W.: I think Pappy Arschloch best defines the FTUW because it seems like he really wants to murder Guan Fei.

J.R.: And he just might do it, Warrior. The man is humongous and a ravenous killing machine!

Arschloch RAISES A BLOOD-SOAKED HAND but SUDDENLY STOPS. He GROANS as his face TWISTS and CONTORTS. GUAN FEI’s hand is still in Arschloch’s side but now BLOOD IS OOZING from the HOLE! With a grunt, GUAN FEI TUGS ON ARSCHLOCH’S SIDE and YANKS OUT A MOTHERFUCKING RIB!

J.R.: BAH GAWD!

W.W.: MOTHERFUCKING SHIT!

J.R.: And that ain’t NO OKLAHOMA RIBS, NEITHER!

While Arschloch CRIES IN PAIN, Guan Fei takes the motherfucking RIB and JABS IT INTO HIS GODDAMNED THROAT! Arschloch EYES BULGE OUT OF HIS HEAD and he VOLLEYS a FIST that SLAMS INTO the MINISTER OF BEARD’S CHEST! Pappy rolls around on the ground, bleeding, as GUAN FEI IS SENT THROUGH THE AIR and INTO THE NEXT RING!

J.R.: When faced with DEATH, WE HAVE SEEN WHAT GUAN FEI IS WILLING TO DO! Thank God those two are separated, though, the ring was starting to get pretty slippery!

Guan Fei, covered in bruises, lacerations, and withstanding a few fractured bones, STANDS UP and WIPES THE BLOOD OUT OF HIS EYES. Pappy is still clutching his side and trying to REMOVE HIS OWN RIB FROM HIS FUCKING THROAT.

W.W.: Whatever break those two have won’t last for long. In one minute another entrant will arrive!

Guan Fei stands there, catching his breath, while a black ash begins to surround him. HE FEELS the ASH DROP ON HIS CHEEK and raises his finger to the AIR to snatch a black fake. While inspecting the ash on his fingers, THE BLACKNESS FALLING FROM THE SKY BEGINS TO GATHER AROUND HIM AND TAKE FORM. IT TAKES A HUMAN SHAPE AND A LARGE, BLACK BEARD MANIFESTS ON THE CHIN. The ASH TRANSFORMS INTO A TURBAN. MOHAMMED BIN DESTRUCTION HAS BEEN RESSURECTED BY ALLAH!

J.R.: I-IT’S FUCKING BIN DESTRUCTION! His BURNT body has RECONSTITUTED ITSELF.

W.W.: MOTHERFUCKER. HIS GOD IS REAL?!

“ALLAH AKBAR!” HE SAYS, TWO BOX CUTTERS FORMING IN HIS HANDS. Guan Fei SNAPS AROUND TO FACE THE ARAB, SURPRISED AS SHIT, as DESTRUCTION JAMS THE TWO BOX CUTTERS INTO HIS SHOULDERS! “This is for BETRAYING OSAMA!”

“GRRRK!” he CHOKES OUT, STUMBLING BACKWARDS with the two BLADES IMBEDDED INTO HIM. From the blades’ handles are TWO NEAR INVISIBLE STRINGS that STRETCH TO DESTRUCTION’S FINGERS. With a DIRTY TERRORIST GRIN, he YANKS the STRINGS and the BOX CUTTERS EXPLODE!

J.R.: FUCK SHIT!

Guan FEI LEAPS FROM THE SMOKE, ROBELESS, with his SKIN SOMEWHAT BURNT! AS HE DESCENDS from the SKY ONTO BIN DESTRUCTION, Destruction retaliates with a DOZEN MORE BOX CUTTERS! As they CLOSE IN, Guan Fei closes his eyes and raises his arms. SUDDENLY, HIS EYES SNAP OPEN AND HIS MUSCLES BULGE!

“DEFLECTING ARROW OF XIAHOU DUN!” he SCREAMS! HE TAKES HIS PALMS AND STRIKES THE BOX CUTTERS, SOMEHOW SPINNING THEM AROUND AND SENDING THEM STRAIGHT BACK TO DESTRUCTION! The crowd gasps in AMAZEMENT.

DESTRUCTION blocks the BOX CUTTERS with his FOREARMS before they EXPLODE HIM. FROM THE SMOKE, DESTRUCTION LEAPS AT GUAN FEI ARMLESS. BOTH MEN SOAR AT EACH OTHER, GUAN FEI PREPARING A KUNG FU KICK TO KNOCK THE TERRORIST’S FUCKING HEAD OFF!

“TAKE THIS!” he SHOUTS. HOWEVER, DESTRUCTION OPENS HIS MAW and a BOX CUTTER COMES FROM HIS MOUTH! THE BLADE STRETCHES AND STABS FEI THROUGH THE SHOULDER!

W.W.: That’s just fucking ridiculous.

FEI WINCES IN PAIN and GRABS THE BLADE WITH HIS HANDS, SERRATING THEM. With a PALM STRIKE, he breaks the BLADE and falls to the ground as DESTRUCTION hacks up the BROKEN BOX CUTTER! Immediately, Fei yanks out the blade and LEAPS onto the TURNBUCKLE TO CREATE DISTANCE. Destruction hits the mat and reaches into his BAGGY SAND PANTS and RETRIEVES FISTFULS OF BOX CUTTERS. He UNLEASHES the STORM OF BLADES that GUAN FEI DEFLECTS by REDIRECTING THE AIR. The blades miss him but Destruction’s SMIRK STILL REMAINS.

“Fool!” he laughs. SUDDENLY, THE BOX CUTTERS EXPLODE IN THE DISTANCE AND SHOOT EVEN *MORE* FUCKING BOX CUTTERS! FEI TURNS HIS HEAD TO SEE HIS BACK BEING RIDDLED BY SMALLER BOX CUTTERS! Filled with blades, he collapses off the TURNBUCKLE and INTO THE RING. Bin Destruction stands over him, wielding TWO BOX CUTTER SWORDS.

“TRAITORS MUST DIE!” he shouts. SUDDENLY, THE BUZZER SOUNDS AND FUCKING BIN DESTRUCTION EXPLODES! OUT FROM HIS NECKHOLE EMERGES JACK “THE HATCHET” MASTERSON!

W.W.: JESUS FUCKFGUID GDG!

J.R.: BRRRHGHH!

JACK’S UPPER BODY JUTS FROM DESTRUCTION NECKHOLE, FLESH HANGING FROM HIS MOUTH AS BLOOD DRIPS FROM HIS BODY. He takes his TWO HATCHETS and POINTS THEM AT GUAN FEI who is INCAPACITATED. HOWEVER, THE HEADLESS FUCKING DESTRUCTION JAMS HIS BOX CUTTER SWORDS THROUGH MASTERSON’S GUT! JACK VOMITS UP BLOOD AND ATTEMPTS TO SLAM HIS HATCHETS into DESTRUCTION’S HEADLESS BODY BUT THE SWORDS STOP IT! THEN THEY FUCKING PROCEED TO HAVE A SWORDFIGHT WHILE MASTERSON IS STICKING OUT OF DESTRUCTION’S NECKHOLE!

J.R.: THAT ALLIANCE DIDN’T LAST VERY LONG!

From the other RING LEAPS PAPPY ARSCHLOCH! He crashes into the ring, the force CAUSING GUAN FEI TO BOUNCE FROM THE MAT AND OUT OF THE RING! As Fei begins to fall, HE GRABS THE RING ROPE at the LAST SECOND and avoids ELIMINATION! Arschloch turns his head to the guy with another guy growing out of his neck beating the shit out of each other and turns back to FEI! He leans over and pokes his huge head through the ropes and looks at the SEVERELY INJURED MINISTER OF BEARDS. Fei grabs A FISTFUL OF HIS FACE FLESH and uses it to pull himself up! He runs along his SPINE AND LEAPS OFF HIS BODY, DROPKICKING THE SHIT OUT OF DESTRUCTION-MASTERSON! The two stumble and FALL OVER THE TOP ROPE! As Destruction SLAMS INTO THE GROUND and becomes ELECTROCUTED, Masterson YANKS out his HATCHETS and LEAPS BACK INTO THE RING!

J.R.: BIN DESTRUCTION IS ELIMINATED!

Masterson LEAPS at FEI who DUCKS the ATTACK. Arschloch swats at MASTERSON, DISEMBOWLING him and sending remains OUTSIDE THE RING TO BE ELECTROCUTED.

J.R.: AND NOW MASTERSON!

Guan Fei GRUNTS and moves into a POWER UP POSE! Arschloch charges at him but GUAN FEI FLEXES SO HARD THE BOX CUTTERS IN HIS BACK FLY OUT AND IMPALE PAPPY’S FACE! USING THE OPPORTUNITY, HITS THE MASSIVE FATHER OF MOLOCH with a HUGE CLOTHESLINE! This sends PAPPY LEANING OVER THE TOP ROPE BUT DOESN’T QUITE KNOCK HIM OUT! Guan Fei runs UP HIS BODY and SPRING BOARDS OFF HIS DAMN FACE, PROVIDING THE MOMENTUM to send HIM FLIPPING OVER THE ROPES! Pappy crashes into the ground and IS ELECTROCUTED! PAPPY ARSCHLOCH IS ELIMINATED!

W.W.: That leaves only GUAN FEI!

J.R.: Not so fast, Warrior! You haven’t been paying enough attention!

Suddenly, A TRUCK BEGINS DRIVING AROUND THE RING. IN THE DRIVER’S SEAT IS SELLA PHAYNE, BLEEDING FROM THE HEAD, AND WIELDING AN ASSAULT RIFLE!

“HEY JET LI, COUNT THE SHELLS NYEGUH!!” SELLA PHAYNE SPITS, LEANING OUT THE DRIVER’S SIDE WINDOW AND UNLEASHING A STORM OF BULLETS!

W.W.: Fucking Sella Phayne!

J.R.: And with that gun, HE HAS THE ABILITY TO TURN THE TIDES!

Thankfully for Sella Phayne’s aim, GUAN FEI is able to dodge most of the bullets as the RING IS TORN THE SHREDS. Sella Phayne kills some FANS as HE CRASHES INTO THE BARRIER MAKING A TURN! He aims his RIFLE AND BEGINS FIRING THROUGH THE PASSENGER SIDE DOOR TO HIT FEI! A bullet TEARS through Fei’s SHOULDER, SLOWING DOWN HIS ESCAPE! Phayne reaches into the cab and pulls out ANOTHER CLIP.

J.R.: Guan Fei better do something or Phayne is just going to spend his time TRYING TO PICK HIM OFF!

PHAYNE UNLEASHES MORE BULLETS as he CRASHES INTO THE GUARD RAIL, SENDING A MIX OF SPARKS AND BLOOD INTO THE AIR! Guan Fei, desperate, waits for the TRUCK TO APPROACH HIM! Right when PHAYNE THINKS HE HAS HIM, Guan Fei LEAPS INTO THE AIR! Phayne looks around for FEI but ALMOST SHITS HIS PANTS WHEN HE HEARS THE MINISTER OF BEARDS LANDS ON THE ROOF OF HIS FORD!

“FUCK YOU NIGGA I’M SELLA PHAYNE BITCH!” he says, BLASTING THROUGH THE ROOF WITH HIS ASSAULT RIFLE. Guan Fei back flips away from the STORM OF BULLETS as PHAYNE DRIVES RECKLESSLY AROUND THE RINGS. THEN, THE FUCKING BUZZER SOUNDS!

The lights dim and 80’s ROCK begins playing.

J.R.: WHO THE HELL IS THIS?!

W.W.: SEE YOU, J.R.! I GOT SOME SKULLS TO FUCKING CRACK!

WARRIOR WARRIOR LEAPS FROM THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING ANNOUNCE TABLE AND ONTO SELLA PHAYNE’S SPEEDING TRUCK, CLOTHESLINING GUAN FEI OFF HIS FEET!

J.R.: BAH GAWD! MY BROADCAST PARTNER JUST JUMPED INTO THE MATCH! BAH GAWD!!

Guan Fei climbs to his feet and sees WARRIOR WARRIOR, with his FACE PAINTED and his HAIR FEATHERED, standing in his suit with those neon green and pink robes over his biceps.

“You! But I thought you died!” Fei tells him! SUDDENLY, WARRIOR WARRIOR FUCKING LOSES IT. HIS EYES ROLL INTO THE BACK OF HIS HEAD AND HIS FACE IS COVERED IN LIKE A DOZEN VEINS. HIS SUIT JACKET AND DRESS SHIRT EXPLODE OFF HIS BODY! This will be NO EASY CHALLENGE FOR GUAN FEI!

SELLA PHAYNE ROUNDS THE CORNER AGAIN, DESPERATELY TRYING TO RELOAD HIS WEAPON! While he’s doing that, GUAN FEI AND WARRIOR WARRIOR GRAPPLE! Warrior slams a KNEE into K’UNT-SMAK’S GUT, FOLLOWING IT UP with a DDT INTO THE TRUCK!

J.R.: A vicious DDT! Warrior Warrior is holding his own with the former Non-American champion!

Guan Fei, BLEEDING, CLIMBS TO HIS FEET and hits Warrior in the FACE with a MIGHTY HOOK! Warrior STUMBLES but COUNTERS with a CHOP TO THE CHEST! Guan Fei hits him a CRESCENT KICK THAT SENDS WARRIOR CRASHING onto the HOOD OF THE CAR! Phayne SCREAMS when he sees WARRIOR IN FRONT OF HIM!

“FUCKING CHINK!” Warrior says from his prone position, SLAMMING HIS FISTS INTO THE CAR, THE FORCE PROPELLING HIM TO A STANDING POSITION! The two warriors begin SLUGGING IT OUT, SLAMMING FIST TO JAW, CAUSING BLOOD TO SPILL FROM THEIR MOUTHS! Warrior Warrior goes for an AXE HANDLE but FEI grabs HIS WRIST! Guan Fei slides his FOOT AND FIRES OFF A KUNG FU ELBOW but THE WARRIOR DODGES IT! With his free shot, HE KNEES FEI IN THE NUTS and PILEDRIVES HIM ON THE TOP OF THE CAR!

J.R.: BAH GAWD! A PILEDRIVER!

Fei’s head bursts through the top and FRIGHTENS SELLA PHAYNE. IN HIS FEAR, HE DROPS HIS ASSAULT RIFLE OUT THE WINDOW! On the top of the TRUCK, WARRIOR WARRIOR STARTS FUCKING SCREAMING INSANELY! As the TRUCK PASSES BETWEEN THE TWO RINGS, HE LEAPS OFF AND LANDS INTO THE RING!

J.R.: And Warrior going to the ring for some safety! It looks like- WAIT A MINUTE! WARRIOR IS … !

WARRIOR HITS THE ROPES AND REBOUNDS WITH INCREDIBLE SPEED! COMING TO THE OTHER ROPES, HE LEAPS OVER THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKER! HE HANGS IN MID-AIR FROM THE OLYMPIC CLASS LONG JUMP BEFORE LANDING IN THE OPPOSITE RING, HIS RUN NOT SLOWING FOR A SECOND! HE HITS THE ROPES AGAIN AS THE TRUCK STARTS TO PASS BETWEEN THE TWO RINGS ONCE MORE! HE LEAPS INTO THE AIR AND FLIPS LIKE MOTHERFUCKING EIGHT TIMES!!

J.R.: THE ULTIMATE SPLASH!! THE ULTIMATE SPLASH!! GUD GAWD!
WARRIOR COMES CRASHING DOWN ON FUCKING GUAN FEI, SENDING HIM THROUGH THE ENTIRE CAR ROOF! PHAYNE LOSES CONTROL OF THE TRUCK AS THE WHEELS FUCKING POP OFF AND HE CRASHES THROUGH THE BARRIER, PLOWING THROUGH FANS AND PAINTING THE FORD WITH BLOOD! PHAYNE CRASHES INTO THE STAIRS LEADING TO THE CONCESSIONS AREA AND IS HURLED FROM HIS FUCKING TRUCK! HE HITS THE GROUND and IS ELECTROCUTED! SELLA PHAYNE IS ELIMINATED!

J.R.: BAH GAWD!! BAH GAAAWD!!

The BUZZER SOUNDS and “PUFF RYDER” RASHEED YOUNG begins FLOATING TO THE RING ON A CLOUD OF POT SMOKE. Warrior Warrior, drenched in blood and standing amongst the wreckage of Phayne’s FORD, TURNS TO PUFF RYDER AND BEGINS CONVULSING IN RAGE.

J.R.: OH NO. I don’t think Warrior hates anyone more than terrorists and fags but POT SMOKING BLACK PEOPLE ARE DEFINITELY UP THERE.

Warrior Warrior LEAPS FROM THE WRECKAGE and lands on an AUDIENCE MEMBER’S HEAD, INSTANTLY SNAPPING HIS DECK AND USING IT TO JUMP INTO THE RING. He lands, SEETHING WITH FURY, as Puff Ryder floats into the ring.

“GET OFF WELFARE YOU FUCKING REEFER HEAD!” WARRIOR SCREAMS. Puff Ryder looks CONFUSED BUT QUICKLY GETS ON THE DEFENSIVE AS WARRIOR RUSHES AT HIM! Warrior fires HOOK, STRAIGHT, and UPPERCUT but PUFF RYDER MANAGES TO BARELY AVOID THEM ALL! Warrior leaps INTO THE AIR and SLAMS A DROPKICK INTO PUFF RYDER’S FACE … BUT PUFF RYDER TURNS INTO SMOKE and the DROPKICK PASSES THROUGH HARMLESSLY! Warrior hits the ground and slams a fist into the mat in FRUSTRATION as Puff Ryder resumes his SOLID FORM.

“LIBERALISM IS A DISEEEEEASE!” WARRIOR SCREAMS, CONTINUING THE ASSAULT! PUFF RYDER slams and ELBOW into Warrior’s face and HITS HIM with a SAMBO SUPLEX! Warrior begins THROWING A TEMPER TANTRUM ON THE GROUND AS HE’S UNABLE TO LAND A BLOW!

“Q-QUEER … FUCK … FUCKIN’ QUEER … QUEEEER …” he mutters through CLENCHED TEETH. HE GOES FOR THE BIG BOOT but PUFF RYDER TURNS TO SMOKE and the FOOT PASSES THROUGH. Puff Ryder counters with a FOREARM TO THE JAW, causing WARRIOR TO STUMBLE. He spits out his BLOOD AND STARTS PUNCHING HIMSELF IN THE FACE IN RAGE! Warrior GOES FOR THE CLOTHESLINE but PUFF RYDER turns to SMOKE, DODGES, and hits a BODY BLOW. Puff Ryder takes a deep breath as Warrior REGAINS HIS BEARINGS. Warrior ATTEMPTS TO BEAR HUG HIM BUT PUFF RYDER, again, REVERTS TO SMOKE and HOVERS BEHIND HIM! Puff Ryder, breathing heavily, slams HIS FISTS INTO WARRIOR’S KIDNEYS. The Warrior hunches over and chokes up blood.

“QUEEER … QUEEEEEERRR …. QUEEEEEEEEEER!!” WARRIOR SCREAMS! HE SPINS AROUND AND THROWS AN UPPERCUT THAT, PREDICTABLY, RASHEED DODGES BY TURNING TO SMOKE! HOWEVER, THE WARRIOR IMMEDIATELY begins FUCKING INHALING PUFF RYDER! HIS MIGHTY, FOLK HERO-ESQUE LUNGS SUCK IN ALL THE SMOKE THAT IS PUFF RYDER! Warrior’s cheeks PUFF OUT as he stands there, CHEST EXPANDED, TRAPPING RASHEED INSIDE HIS BODY!

J.R.: I can’t believe it … RASHEED WAS JUST INHALED!

Warrior stands in the RING, UNSTEADY, but then BEGINS FLEXING AS A SIGN OF VICTORY! However, HE TWITCHES SLIGHTLY. Warrior looks down at his body as he still holds in the SMOKE. Blood slowly drips from his nose. WARRIOR STARTS LOOKING WORRIED AS THE BLOOD FLOW INCREASES. FUCKING SUDDENLY, THE SHAPE OF FISTS BULGE OUT OF WARRIOR’S TORSO! DOZENS AND DOZENS OF FIST MARKS APPEAR AS PUFF RYDER GODDAMNED THROWS LIGHTNING PUNCHES FROM INSIDE WARRIOR’S BODY!

J.R.: WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING?!

UNABLE TO KEEP HIM IN ANY LONGER, WARRIOR EXHALES THE SMOKEY ESSENCE OF PUFF RYDER! Puff Ryder REFORMS, COVERED IN BITS OF WARRIOR’S FOOD (SIX STEAKS) AND SPLASHES OF HIS BLOOD! Warrior Warrior collapses to his knees and clutches his chest.

“FUCKING QUEER!” he shouts, EXHAUSTED and IN PAIN!

A SPOTLIGHT hit the RING AND BEGINS FLICKERING.

J.R.: This doesn’t look so good for my broadcasting partner and Puff Ryder! THE RING IS ABOUT TO EXPLODE!

WARRIOR WARRIOR AND PUFF RYDER RACE FOR THE ROPES, PREPARING TO LEAP OVER TO THE ONE REMAINING RING! Puff Ryder leaps into the AIR but WARRIOR SNATCHES HIS ANKLE! He turns his head to see WARRIOR WARRIOR GRINNING MANIACALLY. Unfortunately for Warrior, he still hasn’t learned THAT PUFF RYDER CAN JUST TURN INTO SMOKE, WHICH HE DOES! Puff Ryder floats away as WARRIOR ATTEMPTS TO LEAP OUT OF THE RING IN THE LAST SECOND. THE RING FUCKING EXPLODES!

J.R.: SHIT! WARRIOR IS DEAD!

Puff Ryder FLOATS OVER to the RING and LOSES CONTROL OF SMOKE FORM, FALLING BUT CATCHING ONTO THE ROPE! Looking exhausted, HE HOPS INTO THE RING AS THE RAGING INFERNO that was once a RING CONTINUES BEHIND! Suddenly, he hears the sound of a SCREAMING GET PROGRESSIVELY LOUDER! PUFF RYDER TURNS HIS HEAD TO SEE THE UPPER HALF OF WARRIOR WARRIOR FALLING TOWARDS HIM, BLOOD SPRAYING FROM HIS MOUTH AS HE SHOUTS A WAR CRY OF UNIMAGINABLE HATRED!

J.R.: BAAH GAAAWD!

WARRIOR WARRIOR CRASHES INTO PUFF RYDER, SENDING THEM BOTH TO THE MAT! WARRIOR TAKES HIS MASSIVE ARMS AND GRIPS PUFF RYDER BY THE THROAT, ATTEMPING TO SQUEEZE THE FUCKING LIFE OUT OF HIM! PUFF RYDER’S BLACK SKIN TURNS BLUE AS HIS EYES BULGE OUT OF HIS HEAD.

“I … FUCKING SAW IT …” WARRIOR SAYS, FACE RAPT WITH ALL-CONSUMING ANGER, “YOU … WERE OUT OF BREATH! YOUR SMOKE FORM … REQUIRES AIR!”

FLASHBACK TO PUFF RYDER BREATHING HEAVILY AFTER TURNING TO SMOKE FORM OVER AND OVER.

“SO IF I CUT OFF THE OXYGEN … YOU DIE …” WARRIOR SAYS, BLOODING COMING FROM HIS EYES, NOSE, AND MOUTH! Puff Ryder ATTEMPTS TO PRY Warrior’s HANDS FROM HIS THROAT BUT THE TASK IS IMPOSSIBLE! Puff Ryder’s eyes roll into the back of his hand as WARRIOR CONTINUES TO SQUEEZE! Warrior’s EYES FADE as he DIES, choking the shit out of PUFF RYDER!

J.R.: Bah Gawd! I think … WARRIOR IS DEAD!

PUFF RYDER’S ARMS SPRING TO LIFE AND HE YANKS THE DEAD HANDS OF WARRIOR FROM AROUND HIS NECK. Blood comes from Puff Ryder’s mouth, his THROAT NEARLY CRUSHED, as the BUZZER SOUNDS!

J.R.: HEAR IT IS, OUR FINAL ENTRANT!

Hard’Rok COMES TO THE RING WIELDING TWO STEEL CHAIRS! Puff Ryder attempts to crawl to his feet as HARD’ROK LEAPS INTO THE RING WITH EASE! However, Hard’Rok’s attention isn’t focused on Puff Ryder. He’s LOOKING PAST HIM. PUFF RYDER SEES THIS AND TURNS TO SEE GUAN FEI STANDING BEHIND HIM!

J.R.: THE FINAL THREE ARE HERE! PUFF RYDER, HARD’ROK, AND GUAN FEI!

“Be it a Nubian or a servant of the Underworld, Guan Fei will not let anyone take his rightful shot at the FTUW Championship!” Puff Ryder watches on as he tries to breathe. Hard’Rok smiles.

“It’s not looking so good for you,” Hard’Rok slams his chairs together, “I have a plan!”

IMMEDIATELY, HARD’ROK TOSSES THE TWO CHAIRS AT PUFF RYDER and GUAN FEI! Puff Ryder gets fucking CLOCKED IN THE FACE while FEI is able to CATCH THE CHAIR! Tossing it aside, HE ATTEMPTS TO COUNTER but STOPS WHEN HE SEES HARD’ROK HOLDING THE UPPER BODY OF WARRIOR WARRIOR! He takes the fucking THING AND SHOVES IT ONTO HIS SHOULDERS!

J.R.: BAH GAWD! HARD’ROK IS DESECRATING WARRIOR’S CORPSE! What the hell is he doing?!

Warrior Warrior’s upper half SITS ON HARD’ROK’S SHOULDERS. HARD’ROK TAKES HIS FINGERS AND TEARS THROUGH THE FLESH OF WARRIOR’S CHEST, CARVING OUT A HOLE FOR HIS FACE TO STICK THROUGH.

“I may no longer have the Medallion of Hades,” Hard’Rok laughs, “But THIS is enough to get me through this match!” He holds up a SMALL SHARD OF PUSSINIUM AND SHOVES IT INTO THE CHEST OF WARRIOR WARRIOR! Warrior Warrior’s EYES SNAP OPEN as his FLESH AND INTERNAL ORGANS WRAP AROUND HARD’ROK, LINKING THEM TO ONE FORM.

J.R.: He’s … HE’S BECOME A MONSTROSITY!

Hard’Rok with WARRIOR stuck on his head CHARGES AT GUAN FEI! Immediately, HARD’ROK THROWS TWO PUNCHES AT FEI BLOCKS! However, WARRIOR SLAMS HIS ARMS DOWN, SENDING FEI TO THE CANVAS! Fei hits HARD’ROK with a LEG SWEEP, SENDING HIM TO THE MAT! However, WARRIOR WARRIOR STOPS THE FALL WITH HIS ARMS AND DOES A HANDSTAND! Walking on Warrior’s arms, HARD’ROK DELIVERS A VIOLENT BICYCLE KICK TO GUAN FEI’S FACE, SENDING HIM INTO THE TURNBUCKLE!

Guan Fei slams into the turnbuckle, BLEEDING HEAVILY, as THE FOUR ARMS WORK HIS BODY! Guan FEI GRABS WARRIOR’S ARMS ONLY TO LEAVE HIMSELF OPEN TO HARD’ROK’S BODY BLOWS! In desperation, Guan Fei whips Hard’Rok in the eyes with HIS BEARD, BLINDING HIM, and LEAPS ONTO THE TURNBUCKLE! Warrior groans and moans and HARD’ROK PICKS THE NEEDLE-LIKE HAIRS OUT OF HIS EYES! When his sight returns, HE SEES GUAN FEI FLYING AT HIM! HE HITS WARRIOR WARRIOR WITH WHAT CAN BE CALLED A DOOMSDAY DEVICE, CLOTHESLINING HIS BODY OFF HARD’ROK’S!

“Shit!” Hard’Rok says. HE FLEXES as the MUSCLES ATTACHED TO HIM PULL WARRIOR BACK ONTO HIS HEAD! Guan Fei charges at Hard’Rok again, attacking LOW TO AVOID THE WARRIOR HELMET, but even as skilled as he is HARD’ROK alone CAN HANDLE AN INJURED FEI!

J.R.: This WARRIOR HARD’ROK COMBINATION SEEMS UNBEATABLE!

Kicking Guan Fei in the gut, Hard’Rok tosses him up to WARRIOR’S ARMS which THROW HIM BACK DOWN into HARD’ROK’S KNEE, MAKING FOR A SUPER BACKBREAKER! Guan Fei scrambles away, trying to buy some time, while HARD’ROK STALKS HIM. Hard’Rok grabs him by his HAIR AND LIFTS HIM UP. USING HIS ARMS, HE BEAR HUGS GUAN FEI SO HE CANNOT MOVE! WARRIOR WARRIOR LIFTS HIS ARMS TO BASH K’UNT-SMAK’S SKULL IN BUT SUDDENLY STOPS! Hard’Rok looks up to see HIS WARRIOR HAT NOT EVEN PAYING ATTENTION TO FEI! WARRIOR IS TRYING TO GRAB AT THE INJURED PUFF RYDER!

“HEY ASSHOLE! PAY ATTENTION! We can kill THAT FUCK LATER!” Hard’Rok commands but WARRIOR STILL REACHES FOR PUFF RYDER! Puff Ryder reaches into his pocket and PULLS OUT AN OBJECT.

“POWER BONG EXTEND!” HE SHOUTS. THE BONG EXTENDS AND COLLIDES WITH WARRIOR’S FACE, IMPALING HIM AND TEARING HIS BODY FROM HARD’ROK’S HEAD! The body is DUMPED ONTO THE ARENA FLOOR, ELECTROCUTING HIM AND ELIMINATING HIM!

“Son of a bitch!” Hard’Rok turns to PUFF RYDER! HOWEVER, GUAN FEI FUCKING COMES OUTTA NOWHERE AND HITS THE JADE SPEAR!

J.R.: JADE SPEAR! BAH GAWD!

THE SPEAR SENDS HARD’ROK FLYING THROUGH THE ROPES AND INTO THE BARRIER! HE HACKS UP BLOOD BEFORE FALLING FACE FIRST ONTO THE ARENA FLOOR AND BECOMING ELECTROCUTED. HARD’ROK HAS BEEN ELIMINATED!

J.R.: Now there’s only two left!

AND WITH ONLY TWO LEFT, GUAN FEI TAKES THE WEAK PUFF RYDER AND HURLS HIM OVER THE TOP ROPE! PUFF RYDER FALLS TO THE ARENA FLOOR BUT SUDDENLY STOPS. SOMETHING IS HOLDING HIM UP!

IT’S MOTHERFUCKING THELDORRIN XIV!

J.R.: THAT SON OF A BITCH!

THELDORRIN STANDS ON THE BARRIER, HOLDING PUFF RYDER UP BY HIS DREADS. His body is STILL DAMAGED FROM THE TITLE FIGHT but he’s wearing a new, TEMPORARY ARMOR PLACED ON.

“You … !” Guan Fei curses.

“Tossing some faggot over the top rope? That’s no FTUW finish,” Theldorrin says. He FIRES A GRAPPLING HOOK INTO THE RAFTERS. He RIGS PUFF RYDER UP THE LINE BY HIS HAIR, USING A PULLEY SYSTEM TO HAVE HIM HANGING OVER THE ARENA FLOOR. “Don’t want a boring finish!”

GUAN FEI, ENRAGED, LEAPS FROM THE FUCKING RING AND KARATE KICKS THELDORRIN RIGHT IN THE FACE! THELDORRIN FLIES UP AND CRASHES INTO FANS, CRUSHING THEM, AND STANDS UP ANGRY. Guan FEI stands IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CROWD ON TOP OF THEIR SHOULDERS, MAKING SURE NOT TO TOUCH THE FLOOR OR THE SEATS AND ELIMINATING HIMSELF.

“WHAT A FOOL! MOBIUS BAND!” THELDORRIN SCREAMS, FIRING THE BLAST! Guan FEI SIDE FLIPS OUT OF THE WAY and the FANS HE WAS STANDING ON CONVERGE INTO ONE POINT AND THEN EXPLODE! The RICHONIUM CRYSTAL on his GAUNTLET begins SMOKING FROM OVERUSE as Guan FEI HOPS FROM FAN TO FAN TO MAKE HIS WAY TO THELDORRIN!

J.R.: I can’t believe it! GUAN FEI IS RISKING HIS TITLE SHOT JUST TO BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THELDORRIN!

Guan Fei RUSHES UP TO THELDORRIN and EXECUTES A SERIES OF PUNCHES AND KICKS that THE ROBOTIC DICTATOR BLOCKS WITH GREAT DIFFICULTY. Theldorrin, ATTEMPTING TO END THE MATCH, DISEMBOWLS THE FANS GUAN FEI IS STANDING ON CAUSING HIM TO LEAP IN THE AIR! Theldorrin ROCKETS BOTH OF HIS FISTS towards THE MINSTER OF BEARDS AS HE FLOATS THROUGH THE AIR! Guan Fei SLAPS AWAY ONE and HANGS HIS BEARD OVER THE OTHER’S CABLE, USING THE FUCKING THING AS A ZIP LINE! He SLAMS HIS FEET into THELDORRIN’S FACE, sending him SPRAWLING FURTHER INTO THE CROWD! Guan Fei lands on some more fans who ARE MORE THAN HAPPY TO CARRY HIM.

J.R.: BAH GAWD! These TWO ARE PUT ON A HELL OF A FIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FIGHT!

Theldorrin LEAPS OUT OF THE CROWD and THROWS KARATE KICK AND PUNCH AT GUAN FEI! Guan Fei BLOCKS THE ATTACKS BUT THE SHEER WEIGHT CRUSHES THE FANS BENEATH HIM! He leaps from THIS PULPY BODIES INTO THE AIR to avoid ELIMINATION! Theldorrin FOLLOWS HIM WITH A MASSIVE LEAP, HITTING A FUCKING DRAGON PUNCH THAT NEARLY KNOCKS HIS FUCKING HEAD OFF!

“You brash, arrogant FOOL!” Theldorrin laughs, FALLING STRAIGHT DOWN AND CRUSHING SOME ELDERLY PEOPLE THAT SOMEHOW SURVIVED THIS LONG. Guan Fei, BLOOD SPEWING FROM HIS FACE (ALONG WITH TEETH) crashes down into THE FANS WHO CATCH HIM! THE CROWD BEGINS A GUAN FEI CHANT.

J.R.: THOSE FANS ARE KEEPING THE MAN THEY LOVE IN THIS MATCH!

“So the fans love you, huh?” Theldorrin chuckles. HE SPREADS HIS ARMS OUT LIKE WINGS AND TAKES A SPRINTER’S STANCE. INSTANTLY, HIS ARMS TRANSFER TO CHAINSAWS! “EAT THIS, FAGGOTS!”

IMMEDIATELY THELDORRIN BEGINS SPRINTING AT HIGH SPEEDS, DISEMBOWLING AND TEARING TO FUCKING PIECES EVERY FAN HE PLOWS THROUGH. FROM A DISTANCE, GUAN FEI SEES A DUST CLOUD OF BLOOD WITH CHUNKS OF FLESH HURLED INTO THE AIR AS THELDORRIN DRILLS THROUGH THE MOTHERFUCKERS! GUAN FEI SHEDS A TEAR FROM HIS *ONE* EYE AS THIS HAPPENS BUT IS UNABLE TO MOVE HIS BODY ANY FURTHER! IN OVERWHELMING APPRECIATION FOR THEIR HERO, THE FANS BODY SURF GUAN FEI AWAY FROM THELDORRIN!

J.R.: BAAAAH GAWD! THIS IS HORRIFIC! THAT SON OF A BITCH THELDORRIN! GOD DAMN YOU! STOP FUCKING KILL OUR FANS!

THE FANS DESPERATELY TRY TO GET GUAN FEI AWAY AS THELDORRIN TEARS FAN LIMP FROM LIMP.

“SO, YOU THINK YOU CAN SAVE HIM?!” THELDORRIN LAUGHS, ACTIVATING HIS THRUSTERS TO MOVE FASTER! GEYSERS OF BLOOD SPRAY INTO THE AIR AS HE MERCILESSLY TEARS THROUGH THE AUDIENCE!

”NO! LET ME DOWN! I CANNOT ENDANGER YOU ANY LONGER!” GUAN FEI CRIES.

“NO GUAN FEI! You have given us COUNTLESS HOURS OF ENTERTAINMENT,” ONE FAN CRIES, “BUT MORE THAN THAT! YOU HAVE GIVEN US HOPE!” THEN THELDORRIN FUCKING EXPLODES HIM!

“DAMN YOU, THELDORRIN!” GUAN FEI CRIES OUT IN HEART-CRUSHING SORROW. THE FANS, DESPITE THEIR BEST EFFORTS, CAN’T PROTECT THEIR HERO FOREVER! AS THELDORRIN CLOSES IN, GUAN FEI GRITS HIS TEETH AND ACCEPTS HIS FATE …

THEN SUDDENLY, A MIRACLE HAPPENS.

THELDORRIN’S GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING FACE IS CAVED IN FROM A KARATE KICK OF INCREDIBLE JUSTICE! THE FOOT, BURIED IN PAST THE ANKLE, CAUSES THELDORRIN TO SPEW BLOOD FROM HIS SKULL AT ALARMING RATES! THE KICK SENDS THELDORRIN FLYING, CRASHING THROUGH SEVERAL DOZEN MORE FANS BEFORE BEING BURIED INTO THE FUCKING WALL.

HE OPENS HIS EYES AND SEES A SIGHT HE WISHES TO NEVER SEE AGAIN.



J.R.: BAAAAAAAAH GAAAAWD!! BAAAAAAAAAH GAWD!! IT’S HIM! GKNDGKSGLJ!!



IT’S GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING COCKSUCKING SHITEATING ROBERT MCCOY!! HE FLOATS IN MID-AIR, HIS FUCKING LEG BROKEN OFF HIS FUCKING BODY, CRYING AND BLEEDING IN SLOW-MOTION! THE INSANE FUCKING SPEED THAT THELDORRIN WAS TRAVELING TURN A BELOW-AVERAGE FLYING KICK INTO AN ATOMIC BOMB!

”I FINALLY DID IT … SENSEI!!” HE CRIES, “I FINALLY DEFEATED THELDORRIN!!”

ROBERT MCCOY FALLS ONTO THE ARENA FLOOR AND IS ELECTROCUTED. ROBERT MCCOY IS ELIMINATED!

GUAN FEI SHEDS A TEAR AT ROBERT MCCOY’S BRAVERY AND IS GIVEN THE COURAGE FOR ONE LAST MOVE! HE LEAPS INTO THE AIR, HIGH ABOVE THE CROWD, AND FLIES AT PUFF RYDER!

“Jesus Christ …” Puff Ryder chokes out.

J.R.: JADE SPEAR! JADE SPEAR! GUAN FEI FUCKING JADE SPEARED PUFF RYDER IN MID-AIR!

GUAN FEI CRASHES INTO THE RING AS PUFF RYDER FALLS THIRTY FEET AND COLLIDES WITH THE GROUND! HE CRIES OUT IN PAIN AND IS IMMEDIATELY ELECTROCUTED! PUFF RYDER HAS BEEN FUCKING ELIMINATED! GUAN FEI HAS WON!

J.R.: HE DID IT! HE DID IT! GUAN FEI IS GOING TO EXTREME HARDCORE TO CHALLENGE THELDORRIN FOR THE FTUW CHAMPIONSHIP FUCK FUCK!!