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(#21) What Evil Lurks in the Hearts of Men? The ILLUSIONIST
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Big Fagot
Alpha ape
Joined: 09 Jan 2007
Posts: 10544
(Sun Feb 18, 2007 10:08 pm)
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Post     Re: What Evil Lurks in the Hearts of Men? The ILLUSIONIST K

Electricity and magnetism are basically the same thing anyway.

Just bustin' your balls!
Action Hank
Yes, I fart dicks. Dicks actually come out of my anus when I fart.
Joined: 20 Jan 2007
Posts: 8600
(Sun Feb 18, 2007 10:10 pm)
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Post     Re: What Evil Lurks in the Hearts of Men? The ILLUSIONIST K

Shocked
Derek Payne
huhhhh *puke* huhhhhhuh come on mike save the game *puke*
Joined: 20 Jan 2007
Posts: 4743
(Sun Feb 18, 2007 10:45 pm)
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Post     Re: What Evil Lurks in the Hearts of Men? The ILLUSIONIST K

Science is keen!
Action Hank
Yes, I fart dicks. Dicks actually come out of my anus when I fart.
Joined: 20 Jan 2007
Posts: 8600
(Sat Feb 24, 2007 2:01 pm)
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Post     Re: What Evil Lurks in the Hearts of Men? The ILLUSIONIST K

For several days, Victor Powers, Jr had wandered across the wastes of America. He was somehow able to find food and potable water and so survived. Now and then he encountered bands of marauding goons, but these adventures will not be recounted.

The landscape was an unending panorama of horror—a HORRORAMA, you could say— of burnt out homes, bodies rotting in the sun, roaming bands of goons, and massive black fortresses seemingly carved out of polished stone where local warlords claimed their control. Towns and villages were just burnt out shells where dirt-covered peons were forced to work the land like slaves.

This week’s adventure brings us to own such fortress that stands erect like an erect black dildo at the triple border of Schiavonia, Donk Fuck, and Combo King. It is there that Julian Bonefucker—formally Jack Rogers, a middle manager at a Grand Rapids located paper-clip factory—rules over a dozen small towns with his bands of goon soldiers. Muscular and handsome, in a grotesque way, Julian’s small kingdom is a buffer between the three warring states.

---------------CHAPTER TWO: Love in the Time of Goonera----------------

Bonefucker sits in his throne made from melted Lincoln Navigator rims and chunks of a Starbucks espresso maker. There is a second throne next to his, only slightly smaller and made from the rims of Lincoln Towncars. He looks to this second throne and sighs a heavy, mannish sigh. His advisor and personal attendant, Silvertongue Smithe (formally Sam Smith, plumber) shakes his head.

“My lord,” Silvertongue says, his thick Chicago accent making him sound like one of the SNL Superfans. “Da Bitch will be here shortly. Cheer up.”

“Yes, I know, Silvertongue. But Lady Ravenhair has been very melancholy lately. Even more so than usual.”

“Perhaps she still grieves for her parents?”

“But I had them murdered and goon raped TWO WEEKS AGO! More than enough time for her to get over it and accept my TRUE LOVE!”

“Then maybe she has Da PMS?”

They are interrupted as a pair of doors made from two crushed black Dodge Magnums opens and a beautiful feathery/billowy blonde-haired woman dressed in a skimpy leather bikini and a few semi-transparent scarves enters. Bonefucker’s eyes widen in delight.

“My Lady Ravenhair!” he says. “Please, please, take your seat by my side so that I may rule this scarred land with your ever present love!”

Ravenhair (or Jessica Vitello, as she prefers) sadly takes her seat and pouts.

“Our Lady desires entertainment?” Silvertongue asks. He claps twice. “Bring in DA BEAR!”

The doors open again and a giant black bear is led in by a bald goon wearing only a spiked black loin cloth. A cage is next wheeled in—two small naked and dirty children are inside. Silvertongue licks his lips in anticipation. Ravenhair doesn’t even look up. Not even as the bear growls and the children scream.

“Perhaps some carnal pleasures?” Bonefucker says, distraught. “We could attend a Rapeshow? Throw a Murderfest?”

Ravenhair coughs into her fingertips and sighs.

“DAMN IT WOMAN!” Bonefucker says, flexing his muscular body (he’s dressed like He-Man or something). “YOU ARE SO HARD TO PLEASE!”

He sits back down and holds his head in his hands.

“Enough, enough. Let’s just attend to today’s business. Silvertongue!”

The advisor bows and walks past a group of slaves cleaning up the blood and guts on the floor. He steps over the two children, who are sitting the remains of the bear, frantically devouring its flesh. The bald goon is crying softly into the arms of another giant goon. Silvertongue leaves the room for a moment, and returns with a scroll.

“First we have a Jebediah Mudbaker. He has a complaint against a Josiah Dirtkeeper.”

Two really dirty and ugly men enter. They are so dirty and disgusting that their ethnic identities are completely masked in filth.

“Dirtkeeper keeps stealing my mud!” One of them complains. His voice is rough and as disgusting as his face.

“It my dirt!” the other says. “I gots the rights to it as much as he does!”

Bonefucker doesn’t even look up. He just waves them away. “To the Dueling Pit,” he says.

“Very good,” Silvertongue says, but he shakes his head in disappointment. Normally, Bonefucker would have just raped and disemboweled both men right there in the throne room, but this Lady Ravenhair situation was making the Lord too merciful. “Next up, Captain Superkillermurderfacefucker121 of the 7th Band has captured a stranger in the village of Bumblefuck. He had been seen crossing into The Kingdom of Bonefucker from the Schiavonia border. Possibly a spy?”

“Bring him in.”

Several giant goons of whatever the fuck you want them to look like enter, with a chained THE ILLUSIONIST!

OH SHIT!
Spamdini
Joined: 22 Jan 2007
Posts: 1322
(Sun Feb 25, 2007 9:39 am)
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Post     Re: What Evil Lurks in the Hearts of Men? The ILLUSIONIST K

Lady Ravenhair has blonde hair?
Action Hank
Yes, I fart dicks. Dicks actually come out of my anus when I fart.
Joined: 20 Jan 2007
Posts: 8600
(Sun Feb 25, 2007 9:43 am)
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Post     Re: What Evil Lurks in the Hearts of Men? The ILLUSIONIST K

Goons are complex people.
Action Hank
Yes, I fart dicks. Dicks actually come out of my anus when I fart.
Joined: 20 Jan 2007
Posts: 8600
(Tue Feb 27, 2007 10:35 pm)
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Post     Re: What Evil Lurks in the Hearts of Men? The ILLUSIONIST K

Lord Julian Bonefucker looks over his prisoner. There is a perplexed look on the face of the feudal goon lord.

“Do I know you from some where?” he asks. “Why do you look so familiar?”

“Well, I used to work at a CVS in Trenton.”

“No, that’s not it. I’ve been to Newark, but never Trenton.” His voice grows deep and sounds a bit angry from frustration.

“You haven’t missed much, my lord,” Silvertongue says.

“Trenton is no Detroit,” Ravenhair says, sighing.

“But you are familiar,” Bonefucker stands up and walks slowly over to the ILLUSIONIST. He pokes and prods Vic a few times and flexes his massive muscles. “Have you ever been to Grand Rapids?”

“Grand Rapids?” the ILLUSIONIST says, thinking carefully. He rubs the DILETTANTE'S FUCKING SKULL.

“Yeah. Weren’t you at the Michigan State Office Supply Convention back in ‘97? It was at the old Auditorium, before they built DeVos Place.”

Vic scratches his beard.

Bonefucker gets right up into Vic’s face, his forehead millimeters from touching the dirty forehead of the ILLUSIONIST. Sweat is beading down Bonefucker’s face. Veins are popping out of his neck. His breath pours out like its coming from an angry bull or a dog about to pounce.

“You were at some both with Al Jenkins from Paper Mate, right? You had this gorgeous girl with really big tits and a tight red dress.”

“Ah, the lovely Jacqueline Mystery.”

“And you guys had this act about Magic Markers.”

“Yeah, I guess we did pass through Grand Rapids.”

“Yeah.”

“Small world, eh?”

“Yeah. The show wasn’t very good.”

“No, it wasn’t.”

“You somehow stabbed that girl in the chest with a marker. I didn’t think that was possible.”

“Poor Jackie. I wonder what’s she up to now.”

“Probably being raped by mutated penis-fingered goons.”

“Eh, it happens.”

“I’ve seen it happen several times, actually. There’s this traveling band of rapists that really puts on a good show. You should catch it if you ever get a chance.”

“I’ll try.”

"Be warned, the finale is a little underwhelming," Silvertongue says.

"I liked it," Bonefucker says. "It was tastefully understated."

"Not enough penetration. There was this really big build up, and then all that happened was that---"

"Don't ruin it for him."

"Pardon, my lord."

"Anyway," Bonefucker says, stepping away and towards the nearest of the goon guards---a fat giant goon with a head covered in tattoos of naked women painted on so that it looks like parts of his face are raping them. The goon grins slightly and picks his nose.

Bonefucker dramatically turns. "What are you doing in the Kingdom of Bonefucker, and why shouldn't I kill you right now?!!! ARE YOU A SPY?!"

A MURDEROUS AURA FILLS THE ROOM COMING FROM BONEFUCKER!!!

"Is that the ILLUSIONIST?" Lady Ravenhair says, looking up for the first time. There is no sadness in her face—rather, hope!
Action Hank
Yes, I fart dicks. Dicks actually come out of my anus when I fart.
Joined: 20 Jan 2007
Posts: 8600
(Tue Feb 27, 2007 11:13 pm)
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Post     Re: What Evil Lurks in the Hearts of Men? The ILLUSIONIST K

I think I've edited that last post 10 times now. Fuck it, its done.
Action Hank
Yes, I fart dicks. Dicks actually come out of my anus when I fart.
Joined: 20 Jan 2007
Posts: 8600
(Fri Mar 02, 2007 9:26 pm)
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Post     Re: What Evil Lurks in the Hearts of Men? The ILLUSIONIST K

Bonefucker squints at the disheveled, wild-haired/bearded ILLUSIONIST (he hasn’t cut his hair or shaved or changed clothes since his return). His eyes open wide as the recognition fully passes over him.

“THE FUCKING ILLUSIONIST! FROM THE----FROM THE----”

Bonefucker shakes his head and raises his arms to try to stop them, but it has already begun.

"FROM THE ---- FTUW!"

The goons all begin to chant the forbidden words, at first apprehensively, and then louder and louder until the hall echoes with their cries “FTUW! FTUW! FTUW! FTUW!”

Bonefucker's face turns pale. He had to quiet them down, quickly. Yes, every red-blooded ex-American lived and breathed in the memories of the FTUW, and here, in front of him was the ONLY FUCKING SURVIVOR OF DEATHRACE!! But the FORBIDDEN WORD!! And, to risk such danger on the FUCKING ILLUSIONIST. The guy was a joke, and he was unsettling not only the goons, but the LOVELY LADY RAVENHAIR!

“A---WRESTLER, EH?” Bonefucker shouts, and flexes his arms to show off his inhuman muscles that he acquired from shooting HGH directly into his balls.

“FTUW! FTUW! FTUW!”

The goons raise their arms in the air. One of them has fashioned a glove out of the face of a fucking dead woman face caught in a look of pleasure/terror as she was raped in the FUCKING FACE.

“A distinguished guest!” Silvertongue says. “From dat WHICH MUST NOT BE NAMED! What an honor for us all!”

The ILLUSIONIST cowers into himself.

“Gosh,” he says, “I was just a performer. I’m a magician by trade---”

The goons chants become louder and louder. One FUCKING FAT GOON WITH A CACTUS COD PIECE THAT HAS BANG BANG CARVED OUT IN RAZORS begins to fucking convulse!

“EFFFFTTEEEEEYOUUUUU DUBAYA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” He grabs at the cactus and begins to RUB IT WILDLY LIKE IT WAS ACTUALLY HIS DICK! The fucking razors CUT INTO HIS REAL DICK AND SUDDENLY!!! GOOOOOOOSHHHHHHHHHHHH!! BLOOD SPURTS OUT OF THE END OF THE CACTUS!!! “BANG BANG!” he shouts!

The GOONS FUCKING FALL TO THEIR KNEES! “FTUW!”

The ILLUSIONIST doesn’t know what to make of it all. He rubs at THE DILETTANTE’S FUCKING SKULL viciously as if some faggot genie is going to come out.

“This is ill luck, my lord,” Silvertongue says. He stuffs a fucking sausage into his mouth to remind us that he’s from some gay part of Chicago where they talk like retards. “A---wrestler has too much power. Goons worship them as gods.”

Bonefucker nods in agreement. “We must rid ourselves of this menace! Look at my goons! We cannot let this spread, or else---”

“Leave it to me, my lord,” Silvertongue says, rubbing his SUPERFAN mustache. “I have a plan!”

MEANWHILE fucking hot Lady Ravenhair has not taken her eyes off of OUR HERO VICTOR POWERS, JR!

“There is a strange aura around him,” she thinks to herself. “A strange and powerful aura that I do not recognize. I must consult the MYSTIQUES!”

“Such an honored guest,” Silvertongue says, waddling over to Vic (I didn’t mention this before but he’s a fucking fat as George Wendt. He look just like him, I guess). “I am sure our lord will invite you to stay for a brief while. To grace us with your wisdom and grace.” (Remember, this fucker sounds like the SUPERFANS. And so its fucking FUNNY that he talks this way).

“Yes, yes. Please, stay with us at least a few days,” Bonefucker says. “My kingdom may not be the biggest, but it does have its pleasures.”

“I don’t know,” Vic says. “I’m trying to get to New Jersey to see my father...”

“Rapealachia?!” Ravenhair says. There is a look of panic to her beautiful mid-80's pop-star like face. “That is a vile and terrible place of inbred redneck man-rapers! You musn’t go there!”

“But I must!” Vic says. “My father—”

“For now, though, you must stay with us!!” The rape-tattoo goon insists. “PLEASE!”

I don’t know! Vic says internally. I have to get to pops.
No. You must. There is much we can do, here, a second, mysterious voice says. Much you can do, and much to be seen. You will not survive, otherwise.

Vic, confused by the situation, is allowed to be dragged away by the goons to some quarters where half-naked hot chicks bathe him, shave his beard off, cut his hair, and weave him a new tuxedo. They also polish the DILETTANTE’S FUCKING SKULL so that is gleams. They try to fuck THE ILLUSIONIST, since he’s a----wrestler and all, but he turns them down. They all take turns attempting to hump the DILETTANTE’S FUCKING SKULL, but really, not a single part of the DILETTANTE could ever fucking please a woman!!!!!!!!

One of the girls goes to fetch more water, and passes an unexpected shadow on her way back. When she turns to see what this shadow is, it is gone.

MEANWHILE!!!!

Ravenhair stands in front of a decrepit old woman with billions of wrinkles all generated outwards from her fucking DRIED UP vagina and powder-filled dugs.

“Tell me, grandma, who is this ILLUSIONIST, and why did I sense such strange aura coming from him?”

“My child,” the old bitch says, “Let us consult the MYSTERIES!”

The old woman SQUATS AND SHITS INTO A FUCKING CAULDRON, then she has the beautiful and sexy Ravenhair drop a few blonde pubes into it. A ugly dykish woman passes them a bag full of kittens, which the OLD BITCH BEGINS TO BEAT WITH A ROLLING PIN into the bag is filled with nothing but a SLUDGE OF KITTEN. SHE DRINKS THIS NASTY SHIT AND THEN PUKES INTO THE CAULDRON!

WITCHES ARE SO GAY!

“OH, MYSTERIES!” the old whore says. She tears off her clothes and if any man had been present, HE WOULD HAVE FUCKING EXPLODED OR TORN OUT HIS EYES OR PUKED UNTIL HIS INSIDES WERE OUTSIDE BECAUSE SHE WAS SO NASTY! “WE ASK YOU A QUESTION!” She ladles out some of the mixture and FUCKING POURS IT INTO HER VAGINA and ugh, this is so gross.

Suddenly she falls backwards and convulses in a seizure. SHE SHITS VIOLENTLY ALL OVER THE PLACE, BUT THE SHIT IS SPELLING SOMETHING OUT!!! SHE BEGINS TO SPEAK, AND EVEN THOUGH SHE CAN’T READ THE SHIT WORDS, SHE SAYS WHAT THEY SPELL OUT IN AN EERIE VOICE....THAT SOUNDS LIKE FUCKING METALLICA!!!!!

“DARKNESS IMPRISONING ME!!! ALL I SEE, ABSOLUTE HORROR!!!!!”

ITS LIKE A THOUSAND GUITARS WAIL!

“What does that mean?”

The old woman shits some more.

“FROM THIS CAGE, I WILL SOON BE RELEASED! A GREAT WHITE BIRD.”

A GUITAR FUCKING SOLO. ALSO LOTS OF HARDCORE DRUMMING.

“I still don’t understand, grandmother. Please!”

“THE FORBIDDEN WILL BRING TRUTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ”

The old woman shakes violently, once more. A little more shit comes out, and then she is still. Ravenhair looks at the shit letters, and her heart begins to beat fast.

They read: T-H-I-S I-S J-U-S-T T-H-E B-E-G-I-N-N-I-N-G.

Ravenhair wipes some splattered shit from her paled face and she has to retire to her chambers.

MEANWHILE

“My lord, let us hold a special Murderfest in honor of our guest. Let us invite him to participate in the contest of **STRENGTH**. You know as well as I that the ILLUIONIST is weaker than the common goon. But we mustn’t have him lose in the early rounds. It must be you who defeats him—for you must show your dominance to the goons. Then all shall be well again.”

“Yes. Yes. Excellent, Silvertongue. I would have thought of this plan, myself, if not for Ravenhair. Man, when will she ever pull this stick out of her vagina?”

“Women! They’re like a whole different animal!”

HA HA HA H A AH AH AHAHA HA HA!

"Also, Silvertongue, we must be sure to watch the borders. Things which must not be said have been said. We're surely fucked."

"Yes, my lord."


Last edited by Action Hank on Thu Mar 08, 2007 7:46 am; edited 3 times in total
Ryoko's Biatch
Joined: 04 Jan 2007
Posts: 9255
(Fri Mar 02, 2007 10:11 pm)
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Post     Re: What Evil Lurks in the Hearts of Men? The ILLUSIONIST K

You tricked me into thinking you had turned over a new leaf.
Action Hank
Yes, I fart dicks. Dicks actually come out of my anus when I fart.
Joined: 20 Jan 2007
Posts: 8600
(Fri Mar 02, 2007 10:14 pm)
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Post     Re: What Evil Lurks in the Hearts of Men? The ILLUSIONIST K

Ha ha, just wait and see.
Action Hank
Yes, I fart dicks. Dicks actually come out of my anus when I fart.
Joined: 20 Jan 2007
Posts: 8600
(Fri Mar 02, 2007 10:21 pm)
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Post     Re: What Evil Lurks in the Hearts of Men? The ILLUSIONIST K

Deimos is so going down!
Action Hank
Yes, I fart dicks. Dicks actually come out of my anus when I fart.
Joined: 20 Jan 2007
Posts: 8600
(Sat Mar 03, 2007 3:28 am)
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Post     Re: What Evil Lurks in the Hearts of Men? The ILLUSIONIST K

“I gotta ta piss,” A goon covered in armor made of flattened car bumpers says to another fatty goon wearing only a giant diaper. He drops a giant unidentifiable bone cleaned of meat to the ground. A pair of ugly mongrel dogs fight over it.

“Blargh!” the fatty says, face covered in SAUCE.

The armored goon clangs around as he enters the GOON bathroom. Instead of toilets, there are women strapped to the ground, their mouths tied open with twine. The goon laughs a MAW HAW HAW as he pulls out his giant donkey dick and lets loose a stream of YELLOW FROTH into the mouth of a poor girl who has no choice but to choke on his piss. There is a faint odor of reefer in the room.

A shadow creeps from behind a stall.

“What dat?” the armored goon asks. “Dat you, Frank?”

There is a taping noise—the sound of someone timing a beat with their feet .

"Did ya here dat dere's a FTUW wrestler here! I must'a jacked off a hundred times a-ready, even if it just da ILLUSIONER, or whatever. Still---"

“HAITIAN FIGHT SONG!”

Moments later the armored goon leaves the bathroom. His once-slumped shoulders now stand back cool and proud. He snaps his fingers as he walks, and hums a tune under his breath.

The armored goon reenters the room and takes a seat in the corner, leans back, lowers his helmet so that his eyes appear as two white slits, and dozes off. Diaper fatty looks down at his long pork and blarghs a bit.

It isn’t until later, during the Murderfest, that the body of the goon is discovered tied down, mouth open, in the furtherest stall. But by then, it is too late.
Big Fagot
Alpha ape
Joined: 09 Jan 2007
Posts: 10544
(Sat Mar 03, 2007 11:36 am)
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Post     Re: What Evil Lurks in the Hearts of Men? The ILLUSIONIST K

Diaper fatty looks down at his long pork and blarghs a bit.
SuperPsaturn
SuperPSaturn
Joined: 21 Jan 2007
Posts: 2111
(Sat Mar 03, 2007 12:02 pm)
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Post     Re: What Evil Lurks in the Hearts of Men? The ILLUSIONIST K

I should really be de-modded from these forums because I honestly sometimes get an urge to just delete entire threads on a whim.
Action Hank
Yes, I fart dicks. Dicks actually come out of my anus when I fart.
Joined: 20 Jan 2007
Posts: 8600
(Sat Mar 03, 2007 4:25 pm)
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Post     Re: What Evil Lurks in the Hearts of Men? The ILLUSIONIST K

Do you want to delete my entire thread?

Why?
Ryoko's Biatch
Joined: 04 Jan 2007
Posts: 9255
(Sat Mar 03, 2007 4:49 pm)
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Post     Re: What Evil Lurks in the Hearts of Men? The ILLUSIONIST K

To be fair, Ace has only done one absolutely horrible promo for phase 2, the rest have been some of the best he's done.

I'm going to give him a fair chance this time around!
Action Hank
Yes, I fart dicks. Dicks actually come out of my anus when I fart.
Joined: 20 Jan 2007
Posts: 8600
(Sat Mar 03, 2007 4:50 pm)
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Post     Re: What Evil Lurks in the Hearts of Men? The ILLUSIONIST K

Was the horrible one the nasty Ravenhair/old crone one?

I was so drunk and listening to Metallica when I wrote that piece of art.
Ryoko's Biatch
Joined: 04 Jan 2007
Posts: 9255
(Sat Mar 03, 2007 4:54 pm)
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Post     Re: What Evil Lurks in the Hearts of Men? The ILLUSIONIST K

Were the monkeys after your cheese, too?
Vinny
[00:10] How can you get an erect dick into your own ass?
Joined: 16 Jan 2007
Posts: 5181
(Sat Mar 03, 2007 4:56 pm)
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Post     Re: What Evil Lurks in the Hearts of Men? The ILLUSIONIST K

I really like the Illusionist character, even more so now that he can actually fight and that his fighting style is UNIQUE.
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