Dragon Ball Z Uncensored

[Spamdini]

I'm not risking the denizens of that city becoming zombie wrestlers.

[Spamdini]

The Ring of Rage. Two ex-boxers go at it with each other in a 12-round bout for the RoR Heavyweight Fists-only Title. After 8 blood soaked rounds, Gerald "Anchorknuckles" Harrigan KOs the previous champion and wins the title for an unprecedented third time! The crowd cheers wildly, though for no reason other than the fact that the previous champion tripped out of the ring and cracked his skull open on the concrete floor. Inexpensive bouts like these mostly attract the scum from surrounding areas who want to sit back and get drunk while watching some form of combat. The real fights are saved for the highfalutin types later on.

Within fifteen minutes, the stands are cleared. As the blood is washed off of the ring and floor, a figure sitting in the skybox swishes a glass of scotch around with a sense of amusement. This man is King Hoity von Toity.

"Wilson," von Toity begins as he rises from his throne, "how is the former champ doing?"

"I am afraid he has lost a great deal of blood. We could procure blood for a transfusion, but it would be quite costly."

Von Toity scoffs. "For a non-lethal combatant? Let the bastard rot! It pains me to know that those paupers got to see a death for free though. Tell Charles to install more padding outside the ring during non-lethal bouts."

"Very well sir," Wilson replies. He phones up the RoR commissioner who is on the ground supervising the ring crew. Artemis responds with a thumbs up directed towards the skybox.

"So," von Toity continues in a more excited tone. "Have you found a suitable champion to represent our country abroad yet? The Million Dollar Dandy came back with four corpses last time."

Wilson pushes his glasses up onto his nose and smiles. "Oh, I have found a more than appropriate champion. One whose rage and pedigree make for a most desirable combination."

Von Toity raises an eyebrow in curiosity.

An hour later, the seats are packed with the richest ganglords and other wealthy assholes like Bill Gates and the Walton family who migrated to Nouveau-Richonia to escape ultra-murder. For the latest deathmatch, two hardened warriors are going head-to-head. It is a rare treat to see two fighters voluntarily enter into this type of match. The champion is one-eyed, lanky psychopath known as Willow Sagworth, often mocked for his effeminate given name. He is tall and lanky, his muscles sinewy as opposed to the bulging monsters usually in the arena. He makes up for his lack of mass with razor sharp nails and filed teeth resembling that of a shark. All his opponents leave the arena screaming with their ateries severed, only to succumb to blood loss soon after.

The bell rings. Willow charges and swings his deadly fingers towards his opponent!

?? He's gone! Willow looks all around him but can't find his opponent!

POW!!

Willow's head snaps back after being struck in the chin by a destructive uppercut from below! He sails out of the arena and lands on the spikes set up outside the ring. A hush runs over the surprised crowd, quickly turning into cheers and applause. King von Toity rises from his seat with a smile on his face. He instantly recognizes who this must be.

"Ho ho ho! So the rumors were true then!"

"Yes sir," Wilson replies. "I found him in Neues Osterreich, specifically former San Francisco. His father had an affair with a woman there many years ago. His mother has since passed away. Mary Reid was her name. A hippie activist of all people! It was an easy task luring him here."

The victor picks up a microphone and addresses the crowd. "I let that scumbag bleeding on the floor live because I want him to tell everyone my message! And that is that Dwayne Guan is going to help conquer America! I'll kick everyone's ass from here to Tiananmen Square! And then once King von Toity rules this shitty ass country, I'm going to stay in China and rule where my late father left off! He didn't think I was worth taking back home?! Well watch me from Hell, Guan Fei you useless old fart! This Jade Arrow I stole from you is going to do more that you ever could have dreamed!"

[Spamdini]

A long table filled with a great many delicacies is laid out in King von Toity's private suite in the swankiest spot in Branson: the Casino Roy-Jonze-ale. The aforementioned king is currently dining with Ring of Rage Deathmatch #2 contender, Dwayne Guan, his choice to take part in Caligula Lightning's newest international bloodsport.

"Well Dwayne," von Toity says from his goblet of wine, "does this type of extravagance appeal to you?"

Guan is fairly unresponsive as he tears through the food on his plate.

"Eh, I'll get tons more like this when I'm king of China and not some fighter in a second-rate arena!"

Von Toity's bodyguards scowl at his insolence but the king merely laughs. "Ha ha, precisely my boy! Obviously the prize provided for the winner has no appeal to you. No, your victory will allow you to gain the respect required to form your own army and make your way out of what was once America! I know that you can reclaim your father's empire!"

Stuffed, Guan chugs his pewter stein of Stone Cold 3:16 Select and whips the empty container at the wall.

"Yeah, well, why the hell are you helping me then? If you know that I'm gonna high-tail it outta here as soon as I get powerful enough, why invest in me?"

"Because," von Toity begins as he paces the room, "your victory will bring Richonia the respect needed to keep any goon armies from ever thinking of organizing a revolt. Additionally, I wish for you to kill a men."

"Yeah yeah, whatever. Who is he and how dead do you want him?"

King von Toity unfurls a piece of parchment with a charcoal drawing of a gritty warrior.

"He is a former employee who went so far as to callously quit my company. In addition, he claims to be infused with the spirit of one of my most hated rivals of all time. Just looking at this picture fills me with loathing and disgust! His head is worth any price to me! Even if you have to lose the games, I will compensate you any way you please should you kill KENJIRO KANZAKI!"

"A Jap eh? God I hate them! They were everywhere in Frisco, always acting like they were better than us Chinese. Called me a Rice Nigger! This one is gonna see which one of us is the real ape!"

"Wait till the chariot race, Dwayne," Wilson remarks as he steps forward with the down payment for his warrior. Guan pockets the cash and parchment and prepares to leave.

"Before you go," Wilson interrupts, "you should meet your manager."

"Don't need one."

"You are our representative to all of the nations of former America. As such, your actions will be highly scrutinized. You also lack the proper personality to win over such a wide audience. If you want to be King von Toity's warrior, you will use a manager."

Guan adjusts his britches and reluctantly accepts.

Wilson waves the manager in. "Come on out!"

Out walks out the most absurdly dressed man you have ever seen. The sheer amount of extravagance, from his gold chain link vest to his oversized bowtie inlaid with precious gems in all colors of the rainbow, blind the human eye upon first sight. The Million Dollar Dandy smiles, revealing grills composed of New Zealand coral and ivory.

"Such a fantastic specimen of superior strength, speed and stature!" remarks the Lord of Alliteration. "I shall carve this lump of granite and form it into a champion capable of crushing even the most callous creeps and cocksuckers that Caligula's contest contains!" The Dandy leads his new fighter out of the dining hall and into a limo waiting outside. "First things first, may we set our sights on obliterating a certain Corporal Body?"

[Big Fagot]

Haha, coral teeth!

Dwayne and von Toity should have been drinking Roy Jonze Ale.

[Spamdini]

"...and so," The Million Dollar Dandy concludes, "that is everything we know about Corporal Body."

Guan is totally blown away. "Shit, he sounds incredible!"

"He is, my astute Asian associate! However, if there is one man on God's glorious green Earth that can slay that sorrowful simian, it it the illustrious and illuminating Dwayne Guan!"

"Tell me again about how he tore a bear's arms off and used them to beat three sickly children."

[Action Hank]

Corporal Body sounds like SUCH A DICK!!

[Spamdini]

Dwayne Guan pants, sweat dripping from his brow. His body is heavily cut up, but none of his wounds are bleeding due to his muscles' willpower to close the wounds. Two dudes with chainsaw swords (chainsaws with hilts like swords) are each on one knee from exhaustion.

"That's a wrap, gentlemen!" the Million Dollar Dandy cheers, clapping his hands, causing them to ring as his multiple rings and bracelets clash together.

Guan wipes himself down and takes a shower. A large black goon mocks the size of his prick so Guan grabs the guy by his dick and swings him around like a ball-and-chain and sends him flying into a wall of spikes. The Dandy steps into the shower room, wearing a full body swimsuit inlaid with diamonds.

"Dwayne my determined and desirous young lad, you've done wonderfully! Once you have learned to defend against chainsaw swords, you can defeat anyone!"

"Kanzaki..." Guan mutters. "I'll show you that your old pussy wrestling league was nothing! Father abandoned me to fight cowards and weaklings like you? Tch! I hear you even retired from fighting and let a retarded pussy take your place."

Guan walks into the locker room and puts on his trademark blue jeans and Barry Bonds jersey, signifying that he is preparing for battle.

"Kenjiro Kanzaki, I promise that you will die and that I will be master of this world!"