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ULTIMATE SURVIVOR SERIES! - prelude
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Spamdini
Joined: 22 Jan 2007
Posts: 1322
(Sat Oct 13, 2007 9:17 pm)
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Post     ULTIMATE SURVIVOR SERIES! - prelude

“Enter,” von Toity says with great glee. Ever since the massive success of Super Taboo Tuesday, he’s been all smiles. Aside from shattering PPV records by having more buys than there are people in the world, Kenjiro Kanzaki was killed in the center of the ring. And the man who did the killing was the same man now entering von Toity’s office: Detective Jake Callaghan.

“What did you want me for?” blurts Callaghan upon entering the office.

Von Toity practically leaps out of his chair out of excitement. “Aaaaaaaah, there’s the man I wanted to see! The hero of all of Nouveau-Richonia! Detective, you have done your country a great service!”

“Even if Kanzaki was found innocent at trial?” retorts the gruff detective.

“You and I both know that the courts are flawed. If they were perfect there wouldn’t be so many victims killed by the monsters who should have been put away to begin with. Now what would you like your reward to be? Name anything and it is yours!”

Callaghan pauses.

“I’ll…need some time to think about that.”

”Of course, of course! You know where to find me. You’re welcome any time! Take the week off, paid vacation! You deserve it after that draining courtroom battle you’re your grueling duel.”

With a slight nod, Callaghan leaves FTUW Tower and heads straight for the local cop bar. There he sits pensively, throwing down several bowls of whisky and water as he contemplates what had just transpired.

“Kenjiro…he could have killed me when I couldn’t so much as pant. But instead he wanted to finish things fair and square. How could someone like that have killed my wife?”

So immersed in his thoughts, Callaghan is caught completely off guard when he’s slapped across the back.

“Jake you bastard! How have ya been?!”

“Huh? Oh, hey Guy.” Regaining his bearings, Callaghan nods and smiles at his old partner, Guy Bouchard.

“So you’re a wrestler now, eh? I saw your match on TV! I nearly shat myself out of excitement when you tore that gook motherfucker in half!”

“Heh, thanks. I did it for Cheryl. Kanzaki was the killer.”

”Really?! Fuck, that’s incredible! How’d you find out?”

Pushing aside his whiskey bowl, Callaghan chuckles and wipes the tears from his eyes. “Frankly, I don’t know why I didn’t see it sooner. I mean who else would leave behind that type of evidence?”

Bouchard scratches his head. “I don’t follow.”

“The pompadour comb. It was during the Kanzaki trial that I realized that no one else in Nouveau-Richonia would be carrying that type of item around. Then when I think about those clean wound on her chest. Like a vacuum.”

Bouchard is still confused. “What are you talking about, Jake?”

”Huh?”

”What comb? What’re you talking about?”

“Didn’t the CSU guys show it to you?”

“No, they didn’t.”

Callaghan slams his paw against the bar. “Stupid assholes fucked up the case from the get-go! No wonder why it wasn’t solved!”

Bouchard shakes his head. “Jake, I don’t think they’d forget to show me something like that at the scene of the crime. Even if they did forget, do you really think YOU of all people would fail to pick on that type of clue?”

“!!!”

“And I know you’re making up this clean wound thing. He head was bashed in so badly that we needed a blood sample to tell who it was.”

Upon hearing that, Callaghan stands up so quickly that his stool falls out from under him.

“I…I’ve got to go.”

Sprinting out the door, Callaghan dashes all the way to the police department, where he runs to his chief.

“I NEED PERMISSION TO HAVE A BODY EXHUMED!”

Hours later, Callaghan finds himself in the depths of the Branson city morgue. Most of the dead there are hung off of meat hooks so that Ring of Rage fighters can practice punching them like meat. Only certain VIP cadavers were allowed to be stored in individual sliding lockers. Jake scans them all until he finds the one he needs. Callaghan, Cheryl.

With a deep breath and a swig of liquid courage from his flask, Callaghan opens it up and finds…NOTHING!

“No body?! No evidence?!”

Callaghan ponders for a moment.

”This is…the best evidence I could find! Now I understand everything! This case, three long years, it all comes down to this! But…can I really do this?!”
Vinny
[00:10] How can you get an erect dick into your own ass?
Joined: 16 Jan 2007
Posts: 5181
(Sun Oct 14, 2007 2:33 am)
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Post     Re: ULTIMATE SURVIVOR SERIES! - prelude

THIS IS FUCKING INTENSE!
Spamdini
Joined: 22 Jan 2007
Posts: 1322
(Sun Oct 14, 2007 11:13 pm)
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Post     Re: ULTIMATE SURVIVOR SERIES! - prelude

“Come in!” For the second day in a row, King von Toity welcomes Detective Callaghan into his office. “I have something for you today, detective!”

”Thank you, but there is something I need to talk about first…” Callaghan’s reply is cut off.

“Hold on a moment! Let me give you this first.” And with that the monarch of Nouveau-Richonia presents Callaghan with a badge. “I need a cop with your skills to be the face of our police force. The only police force worth a damn in this god-forsaken wasteland that was once America. That’s why I’m offering to promote you to…Chief of the Branson Police Department!”

“Th-this is quite an honor, sir!” Callaghan takes the badge and looks deep into it. Von Toity smiles and sits back down at his desk.

“Now the first thing I need you to do as chief is…”

HOLD IT!

“?!”

“I…I can’t accept this, sir.”

Von Toity looks awful pissed off, but holds his anger back. “And do you refuse?” he asks.

“Because I haven’t caught my wife’s killer yet.”

“What?! But you killed Kenjiro! Didn’t you tell me that he killed your wife?”

“I thought so too. But then things weren’t adding up. Why didn’t I think about the pompadour comb sooner when it was so obvious? Why was I the only one to notice that the wounds could be inflicted by someone training their vacuum abilities?”

He slams his paw against the wall.

“Because none of that ever happened! I didn’t miss the evidence, there was no evidence!”

Von Toity raises an eyebrow. “Well be that as it may, you DID kill Kenjiro. Personally, that’s all I cared about. He was nothing but a terrorist. So what if he didn’t actually kill your wife and you’re too stupid to remember the facts straight? Just take the damn badge and do as I say!”

“I’ll accept the badge once I catch her killer. And after visiting the morgue, I know there’s only one person who could have done it!”

Von Toity stands up and begins applauding. “I see where this is going. So how did you figure it out?”

“It’s simple. Getting Chief Gantz to lie, rigging the safe with the Saketumi bust and Kenjiro’s school ID, whisking away the corpse in the morgue so that I couldn’t examine it. There’s only one man powerful enough to pull all that off! YOU, KING HOITY VON TOITY!”

Von Toity yawns and sits down. “Yes yes, I’m a murderer and all that. Look, are you going to continue wasting my time like this?”

But Callaghan continues, “I had an inkling that you were framing Kanzaki as soon as the Black Judge presented that evidence at trial. The only thing that kept me from believing his innocence was the nagging impression that he had killed my wife. But that was a setup too, wasn’t it? I don’t know when, but you somehow managed to brainwash me into believing there was evidence that never really existed!”

“Not so difficult, really,” the king replies. “Hidden speakers in your room at night, highlighting certain words in your specially made newspapers and crime reports and placing suggestive imagery on your television. The human mind and dog mind are very interesting things.”

“You’re headed to death row, von Toity!”

Finding that last statement so hilarious, von Toity rocks back and forth rapidly in his chair. And it’s not even a rocking chair!

“Death row?! Even assuming that somehow you’re able to find a court that would try me, what would you charge me with? YOU killed Kanzaki, remember? And your wife’s body is missing, if you can recall.”

“Urk…”

“But I’ll humor you for now. Do you have any questions that need answering?”

Callaghan, caught off guard, scratches his chin. “Very well. Why did you frame Kenjiro?”

“Two reasons. First, because that wretch was outside of my control. Aside from being the brother of my rival Rakkyu Saketumi, he would go into hiding constantly so that I could not keep tabs on him. He was the remnants of an era of pro wrestling that should have ended with America! To simplify things, I hated him.”

Callaghan shakes his head. “A man like you stooping to such petty spite. Pathetic!”

“The second reason was that, frankly, he was guilty. He just didn’t leave any evidence.”

“Huh? Are you talking about the Richonium he stole?”

“Close. He didn’t steal Richonium. It was something even more precious to me. It was…well that doesn’t matter. The point is that he did steal it. However, he snuck in and out without leaving so much as a trace that he was there. Therefore, I had Chief Gantz help me create some evidence. I think I answered that question enough. Anything else?”

“Why me? Why did you go through all the trouble to kill my wife and brainwash me?!”

“Ho ho, that’s simple! I needed an interim wrestler!”

“W…what?!”

Getting out of his chair, von Toity paces the room while swishing his brandy around arrogantly. “I’m the richest man on Earth. I’ve ruled an entire nation. I’ve created a veritable paradise in a wasteland. I’ve done everything a man can do on this Earth, except for one thing. Ever wonder why I stayed in America when I could have easily funded a way to return to Richonia?”

“...I understand now. I heard you were poised to do it once before a few years ago. That was until you lost your body. I don’t know how you got a new one, but I think I finally get it.”

Callaghan slams something.

“YOU WANT TO BE FTUW CHAMPION!!”

“Ho ho ho!” von Toity chortles. “Astute, as always! That is why I really brought the company back! The money I get is like a drop of rain added to a lake. However, I’ve only just begun to adjust to this new body. Until now, I have not been in the proper condition to fight against the unholy terrors that are FTUW wrestlers. So in the meantime, I’ve raised interim wrestlers.

“I prepared three such men. The first was Dwayne Guan. I fully expected that idiot to die, but not only did I see my other rival’s son explode violently, it bought me a PPV’s worth of time. The second, my mid-range plan, was Reverend Zeebo Sykes. He was extremely skilled, but ultimately too erratic to keep forever. It seems Uncle Slam terminated him for me before I was forced to do the same. As for the last leg of my recovery, I had the long-term plan: You! You were incredibly balanced mentally, especially for an FTUW wrestler. However, you were able well vested in the ways of combat and had enough charisma to reflect positively on my sports program. I was planning to keep you around as chief of police and help run the law and order in Branson once I was ready to return, but I see that can no longer be.”

“Enough talk!” Callaghan shouts. “I’ll kill you if I have to! But you’re being brought to justice!” Callaghan grits his teeth and clenches his paws and he gets ready to strike. But von Toity just laughs.

“Ha ha! You’re completely off your game, detective! Your specialty is causing your opponents to become so enraged that you use their power against them. Do you really think you can beat me in your current condition? Besides, you never asked me what I did with your wife.”

“?!?!”

”Why take a look!”

Callaghan whips around and sees his wife alive and well and VIOLENTLY FUCKING SINCLAIR MOHAMMAD WHO GRINS WITH HIS GOLD GRILLS SHINING IN THE MOONLIGHT!

“Oh yeah, give it to me Sinclair! Your giant black dick is sooooooooooooo great!”

“Ch-CHERYL?!”

Von Toity is laughing so hard at this point that he’s slapping both his knees and practically out of breath. “Ha ha ha ha ha! Oh lord, the look on your face! You see, I never needed to kill her. I just gave her something she could enjoy more than a scrawny little pup! The woman you found at the scene of the crime was just some stupid bitch we found and mutilated. The blood tests were tampered so you thought it was her. By the way, when I said I was biding my time so I could return to the ring, I wasn’t just waiting for this body to adjust. I needed someone else to heal properly as well.”

“?!”

AND WITH THAT, A GIANT ARM CRASHES THROUGH THE FLOOR AND GRABS CALLAGHAN, SLAMMING HIM AGAINST THE WALL! Callaghan vomits tons of blood after suffering internal damage from the attack. Von Toity sips his brandy and sits back down at his desk.

“Ah, we were just talking about you chief! So your wounds have fully healed?”

Chief Fisting Falcon stands there, pinning Jake Callaghan against the wall with his gigantic, impervious hand. His face is horribly scarred from when Ant King shoved bullets in his mouth and his chest is covered in stitches and other old wounds he received at Death Race 2007. “I’m back at full health and ready to serve you, master.”

“Good good. Please help me dispose of this trash.”

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Screaming at the top of his lungs, Callaghan squirms his way of the hold and dropkicks Fisting Falcon in the face, barely fazing him. He stands there ready to take on the behemoth when Cheryl looks back and sees Callaghan standing there.

“J-Jake? Is that you?”

“C-Cheryl!”

“Geh heh heh!” Sinclair laughs. “Don’ need t’ hold it in no longer!” HE EJACULATES VIOLENTLY WITH CHERYL STILL ATTACHED TO HIS DICK! HE FIRES HER THROUGH THE AIR STRAIGHT TOWARDS THE PLATE GLASS WINDOW ALONG THE WALL OF THE 100th STORY OFFICE!

“Sh-shit!” Callaghan blurts. He dives in the way and grabs her out of mid-air, skidding until he bangs softly against the window.

“LOOK OUT JAKE!” Cheryl shouts as she positions her naked body in front if Callaghan. Her body explodes into bits of flesh as Chief Fisting Falcon’s Invincible Palm connects with her, the impact continuing through to Callaghan who shatters and falls through the window.

“F-FUCK!”

Hanging on by a single paw, Callaghan looks up at von Toity as he leers down on the badly bleeding detective.

“Consider this an official dismissal, detective.”

“Choke on your own tongue, bastard!”

Removing the head from his cane, von Toity reveals a dagger within. With a quick slash, Callaghan’s paw remains hanging onto the windowsill, the detective no longer still attached. He sails 100 stories from the tower disappearing into the thick Branson fog.

“Have the cleanup men attend to that little mess. It’s time to make an adjustment to the Gay Fag Genocide card.”

Chief Fisting Falcon prostrates himself before his master. “I am ready to be your cornerman while you take on your opponent.”

“No no, Chief. I’ll need more time to properly prepare for my grand return. We’ll get another of our wrestlers to take the detective’s place against Axelrod. Perhaps…A NINJA!”
Big Fagot
Alpha ape
Joined: 09 Jan 2007
Posts: 10544
(Sun Oct 14, 2007 11:42 pm)
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Post     Re: ULTIMATE SURVIVOR SERIES! - prelude

So intense.
Action Hank
Yes, I fart dicks. Dicks actually come out of my anus when I fart.
Joined: 20 Jan 2007
Posts: 8600
(Mon Oct 15, 2007 12:13 am)
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Post     Re: ULTIMATE SURVIVOR SERIES! - prelude

OH SHIT!
Spamdini
Joined: 22 Jan 2007
Posts: 1322
(Mon Oct 15, 2007 8:29 am)
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Post     Re: ULTIMATE SURVIVOR SERIES! - prelude

Name: A Ninja

Hometown: Ninjatown, USA

Height: 5' 10"

Weight: 250lbs.

Physical Description: Looks like a ninja

Origin: After completing Shinobi School he felt incomplete, so he decided to wrestle guys for money.

Signature Moves:

Ninja Punch: A Ninja-like punch.

Ninja Kick: A Ninja-like kick.


Finishing Move: Way of the Ninja
A DDT onto a steel chair.
Spamdini
Joined: 22 Jan 2007
Posts: 1322
(Tue Oct 16, 2007 10:53 pm)
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Post     Re: ULTIMATE SURVIVOR SERIES! - prelude

Jesse Ventura: Welcome to the inaugural edition of FTUW’s Wednesday Whackoff! I’m your host Jesse “The Soul” Ventura, here months after devoting my life to the religion of Smackdown and becoming a reverend at the Church of Pain and Suffering. Beside me is my partner, eternal douchebag and pussy Michael Cole.

Michael Cole has gained 200 pounds of muscle since we last saw him. His thick beard is as rough as steel wool and his teeth all are filed to a point. His hair is a constantly spinning buzzsaw, his fingers are drills and he has poisoned needles for nipples. An overactive fan pats him on the shoulder, so Cole pokes him in the eyes with his right index and middle finger, then splits his skull in half by moving his fingers apart.

Ventura: You’re a faggot, Cole.

Cole: Hmph.

Reginald Lightning: This contest is scheduled for one-fall! Coming the ring first, from Ninjatown, USA, weighing in at 250 pounds, A NINNNNNNNNNNNJA!

A ninja comes down to the ring to polite applause. He flexes and does some splits or something.

Cole: A ninja will be making his FTUW PPV debut at Gay Fag Genocide against Axelrod Waylyn. Can the wiry rock star keep up with the wily assassin of the night?

Ventrua: Shut up Cole. The shivering of your rippling pecs is making my ears hurt.

And his opponent, from Splitsville, Mississippi, weighing in at 183 pounds, KARL K. KARPENTER!

Cole: As you little fleshlings may have guessed, Karpenter is a member of the Klu Klux Klan. However, they actually one of the most tolerant organizations in all of post-apocalyptic America since they don’t regularly murder every living being in sight.

The bell rings and both men square off. A kick Ninja Punch from a ninja! Karpenter hits the mat!

Cole: What a right hand! Karpenter looks like he was hit by a ton of bricks or my little finger!

Ventura: You mean your little finger isn’t constantly inserted inside of your own asshole?

Karpenter pops to his feet and takes a ninja down, putting him in a pinning combination.

ONE…

TW…

NO! KICK OUT!

Ninja kick! A huge ninja kick by a ninja! This could be all!

ONE

TWO…

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! KICKOUT BY KARPENTER!

Karpenter, an actual carpenter, builds a wooden chair and tries to drill a ninja with it! HE NINJA KICKS THE CHAIR BACK INTO CARPENTER’S FACE! ELBOW DROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!

ONE

TWO…

THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

A ninja wins his FTUW debut!

BUT WAIT! FOUR HOODED FIGURES LEAP OUT OF THE CROWD AND INTO THE RING! A ninja doesn’t know what to do so he runs all the way to the back. The four hoods stand in the ring menacingly and each perch atop one of the ring posts.

A heavy metal remix of a traditional Native American theme plays over the sound system and Chief Fisting Falcon begins making his way to the ring with Wilson P. Hickenbottom.

Cole: That’s Chief Fisting Falcon! We haven’t seen him in years!

Ventura: Missed the beefy Indian guy, huh Cole? Guess the rest of Village People will be happy too.

Cole is eating a man from the waist up for coughing during his play-by-play.

Fuming, Hickenbottom picks up the microphone.

Hickenbottom: How dare you miscreants step in an FTUW ring! Any other day, our FTUW security guards would have dismembered you all and tossed you like confetti into the crowd. It is your misfortune that our old friend Chief Fisting Falcon has made his triumphant return. As a demonstration of his immense physical prowess, he will now squeeze these four trespassers like toothpaste bottles until all the liquid in their bodies has been drained.

Fisting Falcon charges at one of the hooded goons on the ringpost with his Invincible Palm! The post is reduced to dust from the attack, but the trespasser deftly evades the attack and gets Fisting Falcon in a German Suplex hold!

Fisting Falcon: Ha ha ha! I’d like to see you try!

The other three hooded goons zip over and form a human totem pole! The goon on top is the one holding Fisting Falcon, who is now suspended about 15 feet in the air! Wilson looks on in awe as the massive Indian chief is suplexed by four men…onto him! The mat is dented with Wilson pinned under the giant Fisting Falcon.

Cole: What in the hell have we seen here folks?! These four trespassers have just made a fool out of two of King von Toity’s elite bodyguards!

Ventura: Your idiocy makes a fool out of your parents for conceiving you. Also, your parents were two men who somehow conceived a butt baby.

Chief Fisting Falcon shrugs off the attack, but blushes out of embarrassment as he helps an irate Wilson Hickenbottom out of the crater in the ring. By the time they get to their feet, the four men are standing atop the Faggotron. A familiar face adorns the giant screen at that same moment.

Von Toity: I don’t know who you four cocksuckers are, but you’re not going to live another 24 hours! I’ll see that you all are horribly murdered by morning! You hear me?! Now why are you interrupting my show?!

Hood 1: Ghosts…

Von Toity: Ghosts?! Are you retards?!

Hood 1: We’re the ghosts of your past. We’ve come to haunt you for your past sins.

And with that, the talking hooded man removes his hood.

Cole: NO WAY!!!

Ventura: WHAT IN THE FUCK?!

Hickenbottom: Im-impossible!

Von Toity: YOU?! YOU’RE DEAD!

A pompadour flies through the air passionately. The hooded man laughs evilly (but less evilly than von Toity is) as his slanted eyes shine with glee.

Cole: R…RAKKYU SAKETUMI?!?!

Saketumi: The personifications of your sins are here to punish you, von Toity! We are…

THE OTHER HOODED MEN TAKE OFF THEIR CLOAKS AND REVEAL THAT THEY ARE ALL RAKKYU SAKETUMI!

Saketumis: THE GHOSTS OF VON TOITY!


Last edited by Spamdini on Tue Oct 16, 2007 11:53 pm; edited 1 time in total
Action Hank
Yes, I fart dicks. Dicks actually come out of my anus when I fart.
Joined: 20 Jan 2007
Posts: 8600
(Tue Oct 16, 2007 11:00 pm)
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Post     Re: ULTIMATE SURVIVOR SERIES! - prelude

Ha ha, Michael Cole sucks so much!
Big Fagot
Alpha ape
Joined: 09 Jan 2007
Posts: 10544
(Tue Oct 16, 2007 11:39 pm)
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Post     Re: ULTIMATE SURVIVOR SERIES! - prelude

This is so good.
Spamdini
Joined: 22 Jan 2007
Posts: 1322
(Tue Oct 16, 2007 11:48 pm)
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Post     Re: ULTIMATE SURVIVOR SERIES! - prelude

I couldn't remember if Jess Ventura and Michael Cole died at some point. If they did, they're alive now because I personally like giant terrifying Michael Cole. And I like even more than Jesse Ventura still calls him a fag and Cole takes it.
Action Hank
Yes, I fart dicks. Dicks actually come out of my anus when I fart.
Joined: 20 Jan 2007
Posts: 8600
(Tue Oct 16, 2007 11:50 pm)
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Post     Re: ULTIMATE SURVIVOR SERIES! - prelude

Is anyone at all interested in bringing back FNF (or Wednesday Whackoff)?
Ryoko's Biatch
Joined: 04 Jan 2007
Posts: 9255
(Wed Oct 17, 2007 12:08 am)
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Post     Re: ULTIMATE SURVIVOR SERIES! - prelude

I thought about it, but no one will participate.
Yogurtman
Odin
Joined: 03 Jan 2007
Posts: 2248
(Wed Oct 17, 2007 3:45 pm)
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Post     Re: ULTIMATE SURVIVOR SERIES! - prelude

I am almost positive that Michael Cole died at the last FNF (Ventura hurled him into space or something), but he's popped up several times since then and, yeah, whatever.
Action Hank
Yes, I fart dicks. Dicks actually come out of my anus when I fart.
Joined: 20 Jan 2007
Posts: 8600
(Wed Oct 17, 2007 3:48 pm)
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Post     Re: ULTIMATE SURVIVOR SERIES! - prelude

Aliens saved him.
Big Fagot
Alpha ape
Joined: 09 Jan 2007
Posts: 10544
(Wed Oct 17, 2007 5:57 pm)
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Post     Re: ULTIMATE SURVIVOR SERIES! - prelude

It's not death unless it's confirmed by aliens.
Spamdini
Joined: 22 Jan 2007
Posts: 1322
(Wed Oct 17, 2007 6:30 pm)
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Post     Re: ULTIMATE SURVIVOR SERIES! - prelude

Right. They can save you if they fail to confirm your death.
Spamdini
Joined: 22 Jan 2007
Posts: 1322
(Thu Oct 18, 2007 10:18 pm)
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Post     Re: ULTIMATE SURVIVOR SERIES! - prelude

Cole: Welcome back everyone to another edition of Wednesday Night Whackoff! This is your host Michael Cole and…hold on.

An overzealous fan with a “Thrak 3:16 B.C.” sign spills a droplet of his beer on Michael Cole’s cheek. In retaliation, he reaches through the man’s nostril and removes his skeleton, leaving him as a hunk of goo on the floor.

Cole: As I was saying, I’m Michael Cole and his is my partner Jesse “The Soul” Ventura.

Ventura: What’s up, fag?

Cole: Tonight we have a ninja in another scintillating match against the French Tickler, but first an announcement from FTUW owner King Hoity von Toity!

In a rare appearance, von Toity comes down to the ring accompanied by his four elite guards, Wilson P. Hickenbottom, Charles Artemis, Sinclair Mohammad and Chief Fisting Falcon. They climb into the ring and von Toity takes the microphone.

Von Toity: So-called Ghosts of Von Toity, I don’t know who you clowns are but one thing’s pretty clear to me now. The pompadoured man who stole my prized possession a few months ago was one of you! Therefore, I’m giving you all one chance to save your own lives and return it to me. If you turn yourself in to the police and give back what’s mine, I’ll settle for removing all your limbs and stacking you naked on top of each other in a jail cell for the rest your lives! Now come on out!

Silence. Then a loud explosion! Pyros go off and the four men step out from the entranceway under the Faggotron. Their faces are all exposed, still all looking exactly like Rakkyu Saketumi. Rather than being cloaked, they are all now dressed in Saketumi’s trademark Japanese delinquent uniforms, each a different color.

Von Toity: You’re not fooling me! I know none of you are actually Saketumi! That fool is dead and gone forever! Why are you pretending to be him?!

Ghost #1: Because, we are here to haunt your and become your nightmares. What better way than to personified your greatest nightmare of all?

Von Toity: I see…Ok, you can all die now.

Von Toity’s four goons suddenly melt! Wilson, Sinclair, Artemis and Chief Fisting Falcon burst out of the ground underneath the Ghost of Von Toity and ambush them!

Cole: What the?! The men in the ring were actually wax statues animated through MAGICS UNKNOWN!!

The Ghosts and the Elite Four are trading blows on the rampway and the battle is intense! However, the Elite Four had the upper hand from the sneak attack and seem to be winning! That is until Ghost #1 drops a small ball.

Wilson: Huh?

The ball explodes! It was a smoke bomb! There’s smoke all over the arena and we can’t see anything! Chaos ensues until Michael Cole breathes in deeply and inhales every last bit of smoke. He compacts it in his lungs and spits out a tiny ball of concentrated smoke, which he then flies into the Earth’s stratosphere with the help on some guy’s intestines.

Ventura: Hmph. Would have made it into outer space if it weren’t for your limp wrists.

The Ghosts of Von Toity are now standing on top of the Faggotron, imposingly. Artemis, Fisting Falcon and Sinclair get ready to jump up, but Wilson holds them off.

Wilson: Looks like THEY have the upper hand now.

Ghost #1: Ha ha ha, quite correct. We graced you with our presence this week not to turn ourselves in but to deliver a message. Next week, we will appear on Wednesday Night Whackoff and reveal our identities to you. Once we do, you will have no choice but to meet our terms.

Von Toity: Terms?! What terms could you faggots possible expect me to accept from terrorist shitheads who don’t know who the hell they’re talking to?!

Ghost #1: Why, a wrestling match of course! The biggest wrestling match this company has ever seen! For this match will be for…THE OWNERSHIP OF FTUW!

Von Toity: WHAT?!

Ghost #1: Ha ha ha! Sleep well for now, von Toity! Once we’re through with you, you’ll just be another broke and penniless schlub! Prepare for…the Ultimate Survivor Series!

And with that, the Ghosts vanish into the night.


Cole: And now for our match!

The French Tickler starts tickling a ninja but he’s not ticklish. A ninja suplexes the French Tickler and pins him.

ONE

TWO

KICK OUT!

Ventura: When I was governor of Minnesota, I proposed a law that would dump our toxic waste on top of France. The bill didn’t pass, but I regularly had my bowel movements exported there until the apocalypse.

The French Tickler jumps to the outside and grabs a steel chair! BAM! A ninja uses a Ninja Kick to kick it right back in his face! DDT onto the chair by a ninja!

Cole: WAY OF THE NINJA! HE GOT HIM!

ONE

TWO

THREE!

Cole: I certainly don’t like Axlrod’s chances at Gay Fag Genocide!

Ventura: Thrilling.
Spamdini
Joined: 22 Jan 2007
Posts: 1322
(Mon Oct 22, 2007 12:45 am)
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Post     Re: ULTIMATE SURVIVOR SERIES! - prelude

Cole: Welcome to another scintillating edition of Wednesday Night Whackoff! I’m your play-by-play announcer Murder Cole, formerly known as Michael Cole, and with me as always is the esteemed Jesse “the Soul” Ventura.

Ventura: Murder Cole? I don’t get it. Sure, your presence drives normal men to suicide but that wouldn’t count as murder.

Murder Cole tears a fan’s arm off and uses said arm to rip the man’s heart out.

Ventura: Killing a generic fan. Very impressive. Only 10,000 of those die every FTUW event.

Cole: We have a very special night lined up for you. The undefeated a ninja will be fighting against Karl K. Karpenter’s sister’s, deceased anorexic singer Karen Carpenter.

Ventura: Truly an exciting moment here at FTUW! I’m not too much into chick music because I ride hard while listening to Lynard Skynard, but it’s still impressive on her part to get into the wrestling ring.

Cole: More importantly, the Ghosts of Von Toity have promised to reveal their identities here live! Now let’s start the match!

Karen Carpenter and a ninja tie up, resulting in a takedown by Carpenter. She follows up with an armlock, by a ninja rolls out and nails a stiff kick to her sternum. He deftly applies the headlock, but she manages to power out and body slam a ninja into the mat. The pin.

ONE

TWO

Kickout!

Karen Carpenter goes to the top rope for her Carpenter’s Hammer finisher, but a ninja kips to his feet and throws her off the turnbuckle! As she staggers around the ring, a ninja winds up his fist! NINJA PUNCH! The pin!

ONE

TWO

THREE!

Ventura: Outstanding match by both competitors!

Cole: I concur.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Cole: We’re back! What excitement could we be looking forward to now?

Ventura: Something exciting, no doubt!

The lights go dim, followed by slow gothic music that segues into a speed metal song. All this heralds the beginning of the ultimate terrors: THE GHOSTS OF VON TOITY! They walk down to the ring, still with Saketumi masks on, but back to wearing the hooded cloaks to cover their bodies.

Cole: It’s them, Soul! It’s them!

Ventura: Really? I thought it was someone else you GAY FAGGOT!

The head Ghost picks up the microphone.

Ghost #1: Greetings FTUW fans! First off, I would like to dispel some rumors. We are not terrorists or rebels here to destroy FTUW. We have only come to cut out the rotting tumor that is King Hoity von Toity! This man treats human beings like scum and will one day destroy what’s left of America for his avarice and lust for power!

Cole: He’s really taking it to the owner of FTUW!

Ventura: How dare he talk shit about King von Toity! That guy is so fucking awesome that when his dick slaps against his thigh, the whole Earth quakes! When he walks into a room, people throw their entrails on the ground so the floor is softer on his exceptional feet!

Ghost #1: Does everyone here know why he revived FTUW? It wasn’t to bring wrestling back to this wretched world. Oh no, it was so that he could see people die for his pleasure!

Ventura: Well duh! That’s why everyone watches it!

Ghost #1: But that’s not all. He specifically brought FTUW back so that he could do what he never was able to do before. He wants to wrestle and become FTUW champion himself! And he’ll kill mercilessly just to get his way!

Ventura: We get it. He’s a heel. What’s your point?

Ghost #1: That is why we are here. FTUW is a land where the strong fight to the death and we have no problem with that. But von Toity is going to fuck things up just to make more money and win the belt for himself. We can’t let that happen! FTUW is for the people!

Random Fan: People? Hey that’s us!

The crowd cheers loudly and applauds the Ghosts.

Ghost #1: Here is how the Ultimate Survivor Series will work. Our team will face off against von Toity’s team. Every time a member of a team is pinned, submits or is killed, that wrestler is eliminated. The first team to eliminate the other team completely wins the match and supremacy over FTUW!

The crowd’s hoots and hollers and interrupted as von Toity descends to the ring on his golden helicopter, the rotors dicing the fans to ribbons.

Von Toity: You arrogant shits! What makes you think I’ll go through with this faggotry?!

Ghost #1: Because…you can’t refuse!

The crowd whoops blackily.

Von Toity: Yes I can. I refuse. Goodbye!

Ghost #1: Hold on a moment. I think now it’s time that I reveal who I am. After all, it’ll help you realize why we took your “item”.

Von Toity: !!! You took it?! Who the fuck are you?!

Ghost #1: Geh heh heh! Why I am…

The Ghost throws off his cloak and rips off the Saektumi mask. The crowd gasps.

Cole: WHAT IN THE WORLD?!

Ventura: FUUUUCK!!

Von Toity: YOU?! IT CAN’T BE!!

The leader of the Ghosts of Von Toity is…HOITY VON TOITY!!!

Von Toity : YOU’RE THE ONE! YOU STOLE YOURSELF!

New Von Toity: I suppose you could put it that way. For you adoring fans at home, let me explain. My name is Hoity von Toity. Unlike the bastard in the helicopter, however, I was born poor and remained so all my life. In spite of my lack of luck in life, I continually worked my hardest to one day succeed for my mom and dad back home. That was until THAT monster transported me to your Earth where he severed my head and took my body!

Cole: What a tragic story, huh Jesse?

Ventura: Time and space bullshit will just lead to more ridiculous characters that don’t make sense.

New von Toity: So there I was, a head in a jar sitting in the basement of FTUW Tower until my savior in a Saketumi mask whisked me away and granted me this new body. We met up with two other passionate men who held a grudge against you and now we’re ready to take you down!

King von Toity: Lovely story, but I’m still not participating.

New von Toity: Oh yes you are! You see, the owner of FTUW is Hoity von Toity. A sample of your DNA is held in a vault to authenticate your identity. But you and I share the same DNA! We’re both the owners of FTUW!

A lawyer comes out with a DNA-o-matic checking machine. The new Hoity von Toity puts a drop of his blood in it and it instantly verifies his identity.

Cole: FTUW HAS TWO OWNERS!! INCREDIBLE!!

New von Toity: So you see, if you don’t fight us then you’ll never be the sole owner of FTUW. I’ll block every decision you make! FTUW will become so boring that the fans will flock away and you’ll never get a shot of the FTUW title!

King von Toity: Kck…you win. Our team against your team.

New von Toity: Excellent! Then let me introduce you to the other Ghosts of von Toity!

The other three take off their cloaks and masks…
Spamdini
Joined: 22 Jan 2007
Posts: 1322
(Tue Oct 23, 2007 11:57 pm)
Reply

Post     Re: ULTIMATE SURVIVOR SERIES! - prelude

The identity of the three Ghosts of von Toity…WILL BE POSTPONED FOR THIS VERY SPECIAL SIDE STORY!

Freddy vs. Jason vs. Jack

A couple is making out in a high school locker room. The girl has no shirt on and a plaid schoolgirl skirt.

Guy: Awh yeah baby! I’mma gonna stick my cock in ya!

Girl: Oh yes! I love cocks!

They start fucking when a shadow looms over them. The girl opens her eyes and screams as she sees Jason Vorhees with a machete in hand! He decapitates the guy.

Guy’s head: What the shiiiiiiiiiiit?!

Jason chases the half-naked chick through the locker room until she comes up to a wall. Jason walks up to her slowly with his machete brandished. The girl turns around and…she’s actually Freddy Krueger!

Freddy: Naughty boy!

Jason: ?!

Jason brings down his machete but it’s actually a bouquet of flowers! Then the walls start warping oddly because it’s all just a DREAM!

Freddy: What’s wrong, bitch? Ain’t I your dream girl?

Water falls on Jason and he starts thrashing around while making retard moans.

Freddy: Geh heh! You’re a little wet behind the ears, huh bitch?

Freddy uses his claw to slice off Jason’s arms and legs he thrashes around helplessly. He pulls his hand back for the final blow and…JACK MASTERSON BURSTS OUT OF JASON’S HEAD AND SHOVES A HATCHET INTO FREDDY’S FACE!

Freddy: URKUKUG…Stupid fuck! You can’t kill me here! I’m invincible!

But Jack Masterson fucking stunners Freddy and his head flies off!

Freddy: Noooooooooo! How did you know that Stunners are my only weaknessssssssssssss!

Freddy’s head flies through space until it finally lands on the Planet of Narcoleptic Children.

Child #1: Gee, what’s this thing? *yawn*

Child #2: I dunno, looks like a head or some…zzzzzzzz.

Freddy winks so hard that his head explodes and he dies forever.

~fin
Vinny
[00:10] How can you get an erect dick into your own ass?
Joined: 16 Jan 2007
Posts: 5181
(Wed Oct 24, 2007 12:01 am)
Reply

Post     Re: ULTIMATE SURVIVOR SERIES! - prelude

Brilliant.
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