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FTUW'S RIKI-OH! 2 (#8)

 
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Ryoko's Biatch
Joined: 04 Jan 2007
Posts: 9255
(Mon Feb 12, 2007 4:05 pm)
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Post     FTUW'S RIKI-OH! 2 (#8)

The screen is black. In the background, the sound of a heartbeat grows louder and louder. A guitar begins to squeal violently as the letters "F T U W" grow from a single white dot in the center of the screen. AS THE GUITAR'S SQUEAL REACHES ITS BREAKING POINT, THE LETTERS VIBRATE VIOLENTLY UNTIL THEY EXPLODE. The song is "Arcane Death Explosion" by Viscerape. The lead singer, Leitch, belts out a MONSTROUS GROAN in tune to footage of Rakkyu Saketumi unleashing a war cry.

#Graaaaaaaaaahh!!#

Handsomus and Theldorrin XIII trade blows in the center of the ring. Sella Phayne slaps his chest, mouthing off while pointing his 9mm at the camera. A shot of the Jack Masterson getting impaled in the face is followed by Puff Ryder FIRING OFF HIS EXTENDED BONG into Phayne's pick-up.

#COME-ON-COME-ON-COME-ON-COME-OOONNNRAAARGH!#

Baron Hoity von Toity DROPS AN ELBOW ONTO SAKETUMI'S SKULL. Masterson hurls a hatchet that flies into the mouth of the Minister of Beards, Guan Fei. Ooka Jooka flies HIGH ABOVE THE ARENA, his dick trailing behind him. Handsomus and Theldorrin clash CHARIOTS AT HIGH SPEEDS. Jonesie slashes off the many arms of Norman Bald-win, spewing forth decayed ooze and dried blood. Fancy Lala rolls around on the floor, shitting his pants, before the footage switches over to Kuroda plucking out Jonesie's eyeball with his toes.

#The RAAAAAPE! THE MURDAAAAAH! THE RAPE AND THE MURDDAAH MURDER RAAAPE!#

Romeo Krystal shoves a POLE UP QUEERBASHER'S ASS. The giant hand of Apathetic Arschloch's DAD CRUSHES HIM INTO EL TIGRE! Saketumi and Jack Daniels HEADBUTT EACH OTHER OVER AND OVER, CAUSING THE GROUND AT THEIR FEET TO CRACK! Theldorrin XIV hovers above FUCK MOUNTAIN, wielding a massive MOLTEN BOULDER. Bin Destruction CRASHES DOWN FROM OUTER SPACE and collides into Puff Ryder's chest. Handsomus soars into the sky on his guitar until he can no longer be seen. The music reaches it CRESCENDO and the FTUW logo BURSTS THROUGH A BRICK WALL, spurting blood from the hole for some reason. The screen fades to black.

FTUW Entertainment 2006. All Rights Reserved.

BAH GAWD! BAH GAWD! BAH GAAaaaaaaawd ...

The screen is black. The background slowly fades into a black-and-white shot of Theldorrin and Saketumi facing off, throwing slow-motion punches towards eachother. As their fists travel closer and closer to their destination, a single violin fades in. As it reaches its CRESCENDO, as the FISTS should COLLIDE with eachother's faces, the SCREEN FADES TO BLACK. A FULL ORCHESTRA begins with AWESOME DRUMS.

#Quantus tremor est futurus!#

Theldorrin and Saketumi exchange blows in tune to the drums.

#Quando Judex est Venturus!#

XIV shoves a rockatricity-charged hand into Saketumi's gut.

#Cuncta stricte discussurus!#

James Brock McHarris is fucking screaming into the camera (in slow-motion) for no reason.

An orchestral FLOURISH accompanies a shot of Saketumi sailing from the arena. When he lands the DRUMS START AGAIN.

#Tuba mirum spargens sonum!#

Theldorrin begins tossing fans at Saketumi.

#Per sepulchra regionum!#

Saketumi EXPLODES the fans with fucking headbutts.

#Coget omnes ante thronum!#

Saketumi rides Theldorrin's body like a surfboard as a car drags them at over 100 miles per hour.

"ALL HELL HAS BROKEN LOOSE!" echoes Jim Ross.

The chain snaps and the car dragging the two flies off a roof and explodes. Saketumi is lying on top of Theldorrin.

"W-Wait! He's covering him! Saketumi is pinning!#

JAMES BROCK MCHARRIS flies through the air on a motorcycle, screaming, and crashes into the roof.

"ONE! TWO! THR-NO! HE KICKED OUT!"

It switches back to the footage of Saketumi and Theldorrin throwing punches at each other in slow-motion.

#Mors stupebit et natura,
cum resurget creatura,
judicanti responsura!#

"DANIELS?! BAH GAWD! BAH GAWD! IT'S DANIELS! HE'S STILL ALIVE!"

Jack "Jim Beam" Daniels catches the two fists in his palms and quickly knocks out both fighters with a powerful flame. Then it cuts to James Brock McHarris waving his arms in the air.

"No contest! No contest! Saketumi was screwed!"

The screen fades to black. A single guitar begins ROCKING OUT. It's the song "Coffinfuck" by Viscerape. The screen fades into a shot of a man's head staring directly into the camera. The man is sweating profusely. Suddenly, two massive palms come from both sides and crash into his head like CYMBALS. The man's head explodes, squirting brain matter and blood all over the camera lens. A finger appears on the screen and writes backwards (to him, of course) in the blood. The words "FTUW RIKI-OH 2" are visible. The screen switches to an overhead shot of a massive crowd screaming. A see of black-haired heads fills the arena.

J.R.: Hello folks, this is J.R. and we're here LIVE on PAY-PER-VIEW at The Wong Chong Athletic Palace in beautiful Beijing, China! Beside me is Warrior Warrior. Tonight, the FTUW is proud to present Riki-Oh 2! brought to you by FTUW: Raw Intensity in stores now!

The camera cuts to a pre-recorded FTUW commercial.

Have you ever wanted to know what it feels like to wrestle in the FTUW ring?

Kid: Hey, guys, I got it! FTUW: RAW INTENSITY for the Xbox 360, Playstation 2 and Gamecube!

His Friends: ALL RIGHT!

Well now you can! Featuring create-a-wrestler, so you can join in the fighting yourself!

Kid: Whoa, look at all those options! Strap me into the suit, I'm going to take on Handsomus R. Awesome!

FTUW: RAW INTENSITY includes a body suit that allows you to FEEL THE POWER of FTUW Superstars, such as Rakkyu Saketumi, Jack "Jim Beam" Daniels, Baron Hoity von Toity, Theldorrin XIV and even Handsomus R. Awesome!

The kid's television screen shows Handsomus giving the create-a-wrestler a Intergalactic Galactic Driver and the kid's neck breaks in 8 places. The kid slumps over, his eyes rolled back into his head, hands still tightly gripping the Xbox controller.

Friends: AWESOME! I want to play next! No, me!

And you can play FTUW: RAW INTENSITY against your friends on Xbox Live!

Xbox Fag: Yeah, bitch! I'm fucking you up! Yeah, suck my dick, bitch! You su- agh!

(Xbox Fag goes flying across the room, blood running down his mouth and nose from a headbutt from Rakkyu Saketumi.)

For a limited time only, FTUW is holding online FTUW: RAW INTENSITY tournaments on Xbox Live where winners get a chance to compete against their favorite FTUW Superstars in an upcoming Pay-Per-View event!

FTUW: RAW INTENSITY for the Xbox 360, Playstation 2 and Gamecube videogame consoles, available now at BEST BUY!

Rakkyu Saketumi sits in a tiny Japanese apartment, pounding random buttons on his controller. The sound of Xbox Fag's voice can be heard in the background and then his scream as he is destroyed.

Rakkyu: UROSEI~!

The commercial ends. The feed switches back to Warrior Warrior and Jim Ross in their announcing booth.

J.R.: We've got some great matches lined up for you tonight including two title defenses and a #1 contender's match for the FTUW Championship! Theldorrin XIV defends his FTUW Championship against the mysterious Hard'Rok! Krystol will be defending his Non-American Championship that he stole against the up-and-coming Guan Fei! And finally, Saketumi will battle Daniels for another shot at the FTUW Championship. Both these men have grasped for the title once before and failed. This time they'll fight for another shot! Another shot at the pinnacle of athleticism in the world. The FTUW Championship!

W.W.: That's right, J.R.! This sounds like one hell of a card. Hopefully Guan Fei impales that fucking queer Krystol and sends him back to that hell he was spawned from.

J.R.: But first things first, we have two new wrestlers debuting tonight. To start things off we have veteran Bin Destruction taking on The Ant King!

*People cheering and shit.*

Good OL' JayAR!: Well folks as you've no doubt noticed over the past couplah' PPVs we've had special guest commentary joining us. Well, this week we are very honored indeed to introduce to you...

*JR's sentence is interupted by a sharp shattering sound! It's coming from the Faggotron speakers! On the screen is a giant SKULL with a snake running through the eyeballs and out its mouth and the numbers 3:16(!!) carved into its forehead!!! The audience goes into an absolute FRENZY! Those not killed by the stampeding fans kill themselves in sheer ecstasy!*

Warrior Warrior: And here he is!! The Texas Rattlesnake himself!!

*An enormous black truck with tons of skulls and other insignia such as "BMF" and Budweiser logos leaps out of the entryway smashing THROUGH the Faggotron!! The fans cheer with tears in their eyes though the tears would be there anyway due to the shards of glass! On the front bumper of the truck is the tied up body of Debra McMichaels. A huge fist smashes through the windshield of the truck and through it climbs none other than Stone Cold Steve Austin!!!*

JR: HE'S HERE! THE RATTLESNAKE IS HERE!

*Austin yanks a beer keg out of the fronst seat of his truck and holds it up over his head. With his bare hands he tears the steel keg in half showering himself with the frothy brew! Austin shakes his head violently splattering beer against the overjoyed fans! Austin looks down at Debra and stomps towards her kneeling down and pulling a huge Bowie Knife out of his boot. With a slash the ropes are severed and Debra falls to the steel entry ramp bouncing off it slightly and rolling the remainder of the way down to the ring!

Surprisingly Debra stirs and even gets to her feet after a few minutes of struggling convulsion. She looks around and suddenly realizes what is going on! She looks up to the hood of the trunk where Austin stands, arms crossed! Debra looks down at her hands and notices most of her fingers were cut off when Austin slashed her ropes. Her mouth is wide open trying to scream but the sound is inaudible to humans. She runs away from the truck stumbling and tripping along the way.

Austin calmly pulls a rifle out of nowhere and lowers himself to one knee steadying the firearm. Debra has gotten to the steel guard barrier and is trying to climb over it when a high velocity beanbag hits the back of her head. The force causes her to flip forward over the railing and into the concrete floor. Obviously she is out cold as security picks up her unconscious body by the arms and drags her to Austin's dressing room.

By now Steve Austin has polished off half a bottle of Old Grandad fortified 120 proof whiskey. He stuffs a rag into the neck of the bottle and lights it up hurling the molotov cocktail at his truck. The force of the explosion knocks over the first few rows of fans standing along the entranceway and ensures weeks of the painful application of salve.

Austin doesn't even give a shit as he stomps his way over to the announcing table. Austin grabs some 80 year old guy sitting directly behind the table by the throat and knocks him the fuck out with one punch. He reaches down and grabs the now vacant steel chair and sets it up behind the table plopping down and putting on a set of headphones. As JR turns to him Austin is already popping open another can of beer.*

JR: IT's a great pleasure to have you here and might I say-

Austin: SHADDUP. *chugs his beer while JR looks on speechless.*

Warrior: Well, anyway let's get on to the first match of the night.

Todd Lightning: Ladies and gentleman...Scheduled for ONE FALL. The following Singles match is an exhibition and has a 30 minute Time Limit! Introducing first...from parts unknown but likely around Pakistan....BIIIIIIIIIIN DEEE-STRUC-TIOOOOOOON!!!

Warrior: You've gotta be kidding me. This human stain is still walking the earth?

JR: Apparently being caught in the explosion of the moon as well as having his stomach explode and falling into that chasm isn't enough to keep Bin Destruction down!

Warrior: Well, the toughest roaches are the ones that most need to be stomped out! What're your thoughts Steve?

*Steve doesn't acknowledge Warrior and doesn't even seem to be paying attention to the match as he widdles out a small likeness of Charleton Heston out of some bone he found. Out of the entry way flies a spinning blade that arches through the air and stabs right into the center of the ring. Todd Lightning is barely able to jump away from the object that stands as tall as he is. Obviously it's a giant boxcutter because what the fuck else would it be? This time however there seems to be a huge hourglass fitted into the center of the boxcutter.*

JR: Well I've never seen anything like this. And there's still no sign of Bin Destruction other than his trademark weapon.

Warrior: Cowardice, plain and simple! Allie Ballie Booboo or whoever isn't going to save you this time, Destruction!

*On the hourglass several holes seem to open and the sand within pours to the canvas piling up. Stacking up a large mound of sand the pile is still for a moment before it seems to unfold. As it does it takes the form of a person standing up! WHO THE FUCK COULD IT BE!?*

Warrior: WHat in the hell is this!? Have those sand monkeys been hanging out too close to their radioactive weapons of Mass Destruction or what??

JR: First we saw it with Krystal....Now Bin Destruction! Just what in the hell is in that pit!??

*The sand takes the form of Bin Destruction and fuses into a solid being. Bin Destruction laughs heartily twirling his beard. He reaches over the ropes and is passed a mic upon request.*

Bin Destruction: YOU SEEING!?? I AM BE NOT DIED! ALLAH WILL NOT ALLOW MY DIE BEFORE THE WHITE DEVIL IS UNDONE! HA HA HA HA HA! AMERICA IS LAND OF OPPRESSION AND INFIDELITY! THE CLEANSING WILL ERASE THIS BEINGS AND

BOOMING VOICE: YO BIZNATCH!! SHUT YO MOTHERFUCKIN' TOW TRUCKIN' COCK SUCKIN MOUTH!!

*The arena turns to the entry way. There stands what looks like a red snowman with arms, legs, and antennas wearing some kind of suit.*

BOOMING VOICE: I'M THE ANT KING! AND AIN'T NO PUSSY JUICE SOAKED FUCKER GONNA STAND IN MY WAY...YOU AND YOUR TOWEL HEAD FAGGOT FUCKA'S AIN'T CLEANSING SHIT!!

*The crowd cheers! Bin Destruction's eyes go wide with fury!!*

The Ant King: THIS WORLD WILL BE MIIIINE! AND I WON'T LET YOU TAINT IT WITH THE STINK OF RECTAL SAUSAGE!

JR: Uhhh....

Warrior: Well...I guess an Ant would be better than some lousy foreigner...Hm.

*Austin is putting as much merchandise with the words "Austin 3:16" onto his body as is humanly possible.*

Ant King: NOW!...LET'S DO THIS SHEE-OT!!

*The Ant King throws the mike down and sprints to the ring easily jumping over the ropes. However the jump is very strange as Ant King just kind of rotates in the air while staying within a 2-D view of the camera. Ant King puts up his arms!*

ANT KING: NNNRRAAAAUUGHHHH!!!

*Ant King throws out lots of punches and the background behind Bin Destruction and Ant King seems to fill up with jittering lines that seem to indicate speed or something. Bin Destruction is just barely able to dodge the punches, several of them leaving small gashes along his face and clothing! Destruction in desperation throws out a powerful backhand that Ant King just barely dodges by leaning backwards. It becomes clear with a catch of light that Bin Destruction was holding a box cutter and surely would have slit The Ant King's jugular, assuming he has one.*

Ant King: HM! YOU DIRTY SON OF A CUNT!

*The Ant King's voice is so loud that it can be heard clearly even without a microphone. Bin Destruction slashes again but is once again evaded by The Ant King who somehow hops backwards without bending his knees or even changing his facial expression.*

JR: Are my eyes playin' tricks on me? It looks like Ant King isn't even really moving. He's just kind of floating around all herky jerkily.

Warrior: Maybe that's something Ants do.

Austin: Maybe ya'll are just stupid sons've bitches!

*The Ant King bounces forward and grabs Bin Destruction lifting him into the air and spinning in a circle before hurling him to the outside! Bin Destruction lands chest first onto the steel guardrail!*

Ant King: AWWWW YEAH! GONNA FINISH THIS SHIT WITH MAH SPECIAL GRAVY!!!

*The Ant King pulls out an AK-47 and opens fire girating back and forth from the recoil but noticeably only going through 2 frames of animation. Bin Destruction is riddled with bullets and his body convulses from the hundreds of shards of hot lead tearing through his flesh! This goes on for a solid five minutes until Bin Destruction is literally a smoking pile of meat and splattered grotesqueries. The fans sitting near the guardrail who weren't killed by stray bullets vomit in excitement!*

Ant King: BWAHAHAHAHA DON'T FUCK WITH THE BEST SON!

*The bell rings as Bin Destruction is eliminated via countout. The ant King disappears to the backstage area and a janitorial crew is dispatched to take care of Bin Destruction's remains.*

Warrior: HAW HAW HAW!!! Now this guy I like!

JR: The Ant King with an impressive...er...victory upon his debut match! As you can tell pretty much nothing is ever disqualified around here.

*The mess is finally cleaned up as best as it can be given the circumstances and the J-Crew leaves the ringside area.*

JR: Well up next we have a match that's been building up since our last PPV.

*Footage from Rock n' Roll murderhouse of Goldman killing Bitmask and the altercation with Jack "The Hatchet" Masterson.*

JR: Masterson gets his shot at Goldman tonight!

Warrior: Jesus Christ...*puts his head down*

Austin: Ain't nothin' slimier than some jew tryin' to copy yer look!

*In the ring Brian Lightning stands with former WWE/WCW announcer, Howard Finkle!*

Brian Lightning: Ladies and Gentleman...for no particular reason...this matches special guest announcer....HOWAAAARD FIIIIINKELLLLL!

*A collective sigh of "who gives a shit?" from the crowd.*

Howard Finkle: Thank you, Brian! And NOW...Introducing first...FTUW newcomer....GOOOOOOOLDMAAAAAANNNNN!!!

*Goldman is carried to ringside sitting on a chair held on the shoulders of his manager. Some kind of horrible yiddish music is playing and lots of Jewey things are happening. Arriving at ringside Goldman steps onto the canvas from the chair and climbs through the ropes.*

Howard Finkle: ANNNND his Opponent!...Hailing from....GRK!!

*Howard Finkle's knees buckle and he grabs his stomach in agony. His body shakes violently and then EXPLODES into a red mist and raining chunks of meat. There stands Jack "The Hatchet" Masterson! Masterson holds his trademark hatchets high into the air and catches the blood dripping off the handles in his mouth! Goldman's face contorts in disgust of the vile display.*

Warrior: Surprise surprise, a jew with a weak stomach. Let's just get this over with quickly.

*The bell rings and Goldman squares off against Masterson. The two circle each other Masterson occasionally trying to rush in for a takedown but Goldman is quick to retreat. Finally they grapple in the center of the ring grabbing each other by the back of the neck. After a few moments struggle Goldman is easily shoved across the ring onto his back.*

JR: The difference in power here is overwhelming. If Goldman hopes to win this fight he'll have to...well, do something!

Warrior: He might as well pack his falafel and book a flight back to Israel because there's no way Goldman can compete with this monster!

*In the ring Goldman has gotten back up to his feet and is keeping distance between himself and the homicidal Masterson. It's clear Masterson is getting impatient as he begins chasing Goldman around the ring. Goldman finds himself forced into a turnbuckle and turns around to see a hatchet coming down! He rolls to the side as the Hatchet chops through the turnbuckle splitting it in two!

Goldman rolls out of the ring and says something to his manager Olympas. They exchange something inaudibly and Goldman nods rolling back into the ring.*

JR: It looks like Goldman has some sort of strategy figured out.

Austin: It ain't gonna do a prissy little jew faggot like that no good. *chugs turpentine*

*Goldman throws up his hands in front of Masterson telling him to hold on. Out of curiousity Masterson complies while Goldman pulls a small black book out of his pocket. He scribbles down something and tears out a piece of paper offering it to Masterson.*

JR: IS he...is he trying to BRIBE Masterson??

Warrior: Typical behavior for these non-pig-eating-liberal-pansy-money-grubbers.

*Masterson swings his hatchet at the check slicing it in half however as soon as the hatchet passes Goldman grabs the other half of the check and throws both of them forward. They sail with the accuracy of a sniper's bullet passing both sides of Masterson's neck. Masterson as well as most of the crowd raise an eyebrow when suddenly blood bubbles and pumps furiously out of both sides of "The Hatchet's" neck!!*

JR: BAH GOD! Goldman's used the check to paper cut Masterson's Coratid arteries! He's losing blood faster than a squirrel shits buckwheat!

Warrior: What the hell?

*Masterson grabs at his neck attempting to stop the bloodflow. With his hands occupied he has no way to block Goldman's flurry of punches! However upon the first one that actually lands Goldman yells out in pain apparently having sprained his wrist.*

JR: Uh....

Warrior: HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

*Goldman runs around the ring in little circles like a tantrum throwing schoolboy as Masterson tears his shirt and uses the cloth as a turniquet on his throat. Goldman pulls up his sleeve revealing some kind of mechanical device. On the device appears to be a sharpened star of David. Goldman pumps a lever that makes the star spin at high speeds! Those in attendance who've seen Van Hellsing understand what's going on. Masterson looks up just in time to see Goldman fire the star! It flies at Masterson but passes harmlessly over his head and arches through the air. The star returns to its sender and embeds itself into Goldman's shoulder!*

Warrior: *is unable to speak due to uncontrollable laughter.*

*Goldman grabs his shoulder and makes a stupid looking expression of pain while falling to his knees. A coin jumps out of Goldman's coat pocket and rolls on its side across the ring. Masterson places the edge of one of his hatchets against the ground which makes the coin roll up along the blade and down the handle into Masterson's palm. Masterson laughs holding the coin in his hand. A fine souvenir to remember his latest kill! Masterson walks up to the kneeling Goldman who's body is shaking.*

JR: My god, it looks like it's curtains for Goldman!

Warrior: Whatever, next match.

*Masterson has a look of surprise when he sees Goldman's eyes. They are red with pumping veins. Goldman wasn't shaking in fear...he was shaking...IN RAGE!! Masterson is unable to react before Goldman plants an enormous uppercut into his stomach! The force of the punch takes Masterson right off his feet! Goldman practically teleports he moves so fast into a standing position and throwing his legs around the back of Masterson's head puts his opponent into the powerbomb position!*

Warrior: What the hell is going on!??

*Goldman screams something in Yiddish before easily lifting the enormous Masterson onto his shoulders! The two crash into the canvas with Goldman performing a picture perfect Matzohcre! Goldman covers Masterson for the ONE...TWO...THREE!!*

Warrior: I can't believe this shit!

JR: Bah Gawd what a display of adrenaline fueled power! What in the hell made Goldman snap like that!?

Austin: Well, JR. You don't get between a jew and his money!

*Goldman pries his coin out of Masterson's unconscious grip and leaves the ring. Olympus is overjoyed at the turnaround victory and the crowd roars in approval of such a mighty display! Long after Goldman and Olympus have left the ringside area Masterson finally stirs. He obviously doesn't even know what happened but stumbles out of the ring and leaves anyway.*

All of a sudden, large walls come up from the ground and surround the ring, leaving about ten feet of space on the outside on each side. Water is poured in and the ring has become an island of sorts. Many of the fans with front row seats are drowned as they were on the wrong side of the walls when they shot up. The few survivors bob about and use the dead as floatation devices.

Lightning: This match is scheduled for one-fall and is a Davy Jones Deathmatch!

No sooner is the match type announced when bloodthirsty sharks begin devouring the fans, live or dead. The dead ones are spared the pain of having their innards ripped out from within as they are forced to watch themselves being eaten. The water is a deep shade of crimson and completely opaque by the time the frenzy is over.

Lightning: Making his way to the ring straight out of Richmond Hills, CA, weighing in at 175 pounds, “Puff Ryder” Rasheed Young!

Puff Ryder walks down to the ring with three huge blunts clenched in his teeth. He instantly inhales all three and they all completely turn to ash. As he exhales, the smoke forms a giant pot leaf with the words “Puff Ryder” on them. He sails over the wall and into the ring with one monumental leap!

JR: Puff Ryder’s been having some back luck as of late. He hasn’t won a match since Big Murder Fist Bonanza in which Fancy Lala was too fat to climb back into the ring.

Warrior: Another example of what’s wrong with black youth. They’re given opportunity after opportunity and waste their time smoking crack and killing each other for sneakers instead! Young was given an FTUW title shot which he FAILED at. He was then given a Non-American title shot, which he FAILED at. Then Rosa Parks and Coretta Scott King died and he FAILED to show up at their funerals. He’s another example of how liberal America have let their misguided instinct to be seeeeeeeeensitive to these monsters into of teaching them right from wrong!

JR: Now that ain’t fair, Warrior! Bin Destruction interfered in the FTUW title match and Krystøl cheated his way into the Non-American title match!

Warrior: Another example of liberal America trying to pass the blame for the deviancy of the black community onto God-fearing, patriotic white Americans.

Austin: Yeah, Austin ain’t never taken shit from no nigger before!

Warrior: That’s not quite what I meant, but you’re entitled to express yourself.

Lightning: And making his way to the ring from some village or something, weighing in at 195 pounds, Jonesie The Merciless!

Jonesie descends to the ring from a rope suspended from the rafters, his cutlass clenched in his teeth. As a sign of how tough he is, Jonesie throws the cutlass into the water.

Warrior: He wants to play fair. That’s admirable of him.

JR: I don’t like it. Jonesie’s always got something up his sleeve.

The bell rings and the match has begun. Jonesie secretly takes off his false hand and reveals a harpoon underneath. Catching Puff Ryder off guard, he fires the harpoon into Ryder’s chest.

Jonesie: Get over here!

The chain retracts and Jonesie connects with a gigantic uppercut, sending Puff Ryder sailing into the air. The harpoon is still stuck in Ryder’s chest so Jonesie yanks down on the chain and sends Ryder crashing 50 feet down into the canvas!

Jonesie pulls out his harpoon and pins 1, 2, kick-out! Puff Ryder won’t go down that easy. Jonesie attempts to pierce Ryder’s heart and end the match there but misses as Ryder leaps out of the way. While he struggles to put his harpoon out of the mat, Puff Ryder pulls out his Power Bong. Rather than use it as a weapon, he jams it into the ground.

Ryder: POWER BOMB EXTEND!

He sails 100 feet into the air. Once at the top, he uses a variation of his mist form to turn only all the THC in his bloodstream into mist. After emptying all of the drug from his system, he is Rasheed Young once more. The heavier Young then hurtles himself down to Earth towards his struggling opponent. Losing Ryder in the sun’s glare, Jonesie is unable to see the giant DROPKICK coming and his head is plastered to the mat!

JR: BAH GAWD! IT’S OVER! IT’S OVER! IT’S OVER!

Warrior: Why won’t he pin him though?

Returning his Power Bong to normal size, Rasheed takes a hit from it and transforms back into Puff Ryder. His powered up state returned, he finally pins Jonesie for the 1-2….KICK-OUT! Jonesie kicked out after taking a kick that should have beheaded him!

JR: AWH DAMN IT! He took too long to pin him!

Warrior: As I’ve said before, addiction to marijuana is a dangerous thing. He could have obtained victory if not for the irresistible urge to fill his lungs with that toxic substance. Drugs are illegal for a reason and that’s because they lead to dependency, irrational and criminal behavior, and even homicidal tendencies! Were he as virtuous as I, he would try to gain strength by purifying his body rather than poisoning it.

Warrior then pulls out a chicken, squeezes it until three eggs pop out. He cracks the raw eggs and eats them there and then. He then crushes the chicken against his skull as you would a beer can.

Austin drinks fifty beers.

In the ring, Jonesie is trying to make it to his feet but Puff Ryder will have none of that. He clotheslines Jonesie so hard that the pirate flips backwards from the impact. Puff Ryder follows up by punching the downed Jonesie who is doing his best to block the assault.

However, he was just playing possum! Jonesie looks up at Ryder and his eyepatch flips up. In his eye socket is a little device that emits a blinding flash. Puff Ryder reels from taking the surprise attack at point blank and starts swinging around aimlessly, unable to see a thing.

JR: Bah gawd, will that yella bellied snake ever quit with his lowdown tricks?!

Warrior: Men of the sea are crafty that way!

Austin is in the process of making threatening calls to his wife who has a restraining order against him.

Jonesie begins stomping Puff Ryder into the ground. He grinds his heel into Ryder’s face, cackling and making fun of incapacitated warrior. He takes his harpoon and uses it to lift his opponent into the air. Looking over to the famished sharks, he decides to dunk his still blind adversary into certain doom.

Ryder is tossed through the air and is about to take the plunge when he instinctively turns into his smoke form. The smoke floats back into the ring and Jonesie tries in vain to stab it with his harpoon. Ryder enters Jonesie’s ear. The pirate king clutches his stomach and falls to his knees in pain.

JR: This is it! Puff Ryder is going to explode Jonesie the Merciless from inside his body!

Jonesie smirks and his eye patch opens up again. The device in Jonesie’s socket transforms into a miniature hose which sprays the Smoke-Ryder out of his body.

Jonesie: Had ‘dis installed in anticipation of arrrrrr little scrap, matey!

Puff Ryder is now outside of Jonesie’s body. Out of breath, he returns to human form. Jonesie kicks Ryder in the chin, rattling his brain inside his head. Ryder tries to put up an offense, but is still catching his breath and just slumps over. Jonesie begins to choke Puff Ryder as he drags him to the ropes. Without an air supply, he can’t change form! Once again, Jonesie tosses Ryder into the water and this time he actually falls in.

Jonesie: It won’t be like last time! Ye won’t be winnin’ o’er THESE sharks! Dey be from the murky depths of Jamaica. Dey feast on stoners like you every day and built up an immunity. Yarr harr harr, now die for da future of Jonesie!

Puff Ryder tries to hold off two charging sharks, but a third comes right and him and they all go underwater. Nothing can be seen through all the blood from the fans earlier. Air bubbles begin surfacing, then they stop…

JR: BAH GAWD! THE SHARKS DEVOURED PUFF RYDER!

Warrior: Another failure on his part. They’ll probably blame the death of another black youth on the white community and its “failure to understaaaaaaand” the problems of the black community. Well here’s a wake-up call, liberal America! Blacks die because of their own reckless lifestyle! It’s THEIR fault they’re poor! It’s THEIR fault that they’re selling drugs! It’s THEIR fault that they shoot each other in the streets or get eaten by sharks! When will this political correctness bullshit end?! That’s the REAL tragedy here today, JR!

Austin flips off a shark. Jonesie poses in the ring as what’s left of the crowd boos him and tosses garbage into the ring.

Lightning: Here is your winner by KO, Jonesie the…

***SUDDENLY*** Puff Ryder leaps out of the water on the other side of the ring! He’s outswam all the sharks using his superhuman athleticism! Jonesie barely has time to look up before he receives a giant clothesline to the throat! Jonesie coughs up a glob of blood as his lungs begin to fill with the thick booze-laden red fluid. This time, it’s Jonesie who is breathless and helpless.

JR: HE’S BACK! HE’S BACK! HE’S BACK! PUFF RYDER IS ALIVE AND READY TO STOMP A MUDHOLE IN JONESIE!

Warrior: Peh, the natural athletic talent of Puff Ryder is somewhat impressive, but we shouldn’t be showering so much praise on him. Professional sports are just an excuse for blacks in America to unleash their inborn aggressive tendencies. But when they take those tendencies off the court or field and rape and kill, we give them a free pass just because the citizens of this country have become too apathetic to see the big picture. Get off your Lay-Z-Boy America! Turn off your NBA and start supporting causes that matter like the NRA!

Austin: I had to turn off my NBA after I threw a beer bottle through the TV. Fuckin’ Lakers cost me $10,000!

Puff Ryder changes the hands of the clock around his neck to 4:20. Time itself begins to slow down. To Jonesie, everything is a blur as Ryder places him outside the turnbuckle facing the audience. Ryder uses the ring ropes to tie up all of Jonesie’s limbs, real and otherwise, and is forced to stay there and watch as sharks in the water begin snapping at the pirate. Time resumes its normal pace.

Ryder: Hey niggaz, gots some hot shit straight up from my new set! What do ya call a man with no arms and no legs who just fell in the water?

Ryder pulls on Jonesie’s arms, applying the Black Widow. Blood begins to spurt from his shoulders, the muscles tearing and the joints separating. His legs begin to rip as well from the pressure of being bound up by the ropes. Ryder screams and pulls with all his might! All four of Jonesie’s limbs are torn off like if he were a rag doll! With nothing left keeping him bound to the ring, what’s left of him falls into the water outside of the ring.

Ryder: You call him Bob, sucka!

All the blacks in the audience (they only came to support Puff Ryder in the first place) begin to hoot and holler. All three announcers groan.

Jonesie stays afloat, but can do little else. He sweats profusely and watches as a series of dorsal fins begin circling him, closing in on their victim. Puff Ryder takes a slab of cheddar cheese, slaps it on one of Jonesie’s legs and tosses it into the water. A shark leaps forth and devours it.

Puff Ryder: My fav-o-rite! Cheese and cracka!

More hooting and hollering.

Jonesie’s bowels have loosened, only temporarily disgusting the predators waiting to make a tasty snack out of him. He recalls his earlier days back when he worked for Captain Beardsley. He remembers how his captain showed him how to fend off sharks by punching them in the nose. This sage advice had saved his life on a couple of occasions where he was thrown overboard.

But how can he punch them now? He’s got no arms! Jonesie begins crying like a baby, snot dripping down his crooked nose.

Jonesie: Please! I give up! Just help meeeeeee!

Just then, one of the sharks devours his entire torso in one bite! Jonesie’s pathetic, lifeless head soars through the air and plops into the water. It sinks to the bottom where it is presumably devoured thereafter.

Lightning: Here is your REAL winner by KO, PUFF RYDER!

All the blacks in the audience start cheering like madmen and then start rioting and burning down concession stands in celebration.

J.R.: This is the match that, honestly, I doubt many have been looking forward to, Sella Phayne and the Macho Man Randy Savage against Dr. Daniel Mented and Bizarro Fancy Lala. If you'll remember back to the last two Pay-Per-View events, Sella Phayne has been none too pleased with Dr. D. Mented. In their first meeting, Sella Phayne was nearly killed by Bizarro Ooka Jooka, the first of Dr. Mented's crimes against nature, after a moderately entertaining hoverchair battle. Then at Rock 'N' Roll Anarchy, Phayne got his revenge by killing Ooka Jooka and dozens of Dick Jabroni clones with his new partner in crime, the Macho Man. Needless to say, Dr. Mented was upset.

WW: Indeed he was, Jim, and with good reason. Sella Phayne is by far the most disrespectful and criminal of the FTUW Superstars, but the p/c-lib media want us to look at this absolute disgrace of a human being with compassion instead of the disdain he so rightfully deserves. They give us their p/c lies, that he is the victim, when in reality he is victimizing our children, promoting drugs and violence. If that's the future of America, count me out.

STONE COLD: I'll count you out, you silly sum'bitch. A three count, and that's the bottom line. So you can take your agenda and shove it up your ass. (Stone Cold gives Warrior the fucking finger)

WW: (Warrior stands up and starts quaking like a fucking madman) Goddamn it, Austin! You fucking wife-beating redneck! It's people like you and Sella Phayne who are poisoning America with liberal BULLSHIT!

J.R.: Hold it, gentlemen, let's be civil here!

STONE COLD: You wait until this is over, so I can Stun you from here to Texas and then stick a boot up your dumb ass.

J.R.: Jesus Christ, Austin, stop this!

WW: It's best to ignore these mindless liberal sheep, Jim. They'll keep spouting off at the mouth like that until one day, the cold, hard facts of the real world slap them in the face and they're unable to deal with it and cry to the government to help them. That's your future, Austin. Just another name on a welfare check that my taxes pay for.

STONE COLD: (Grabs Warrior by the hair, kicks him in the stomach and GIVES HIM THE FUCKING STUNNER) Pay those taxes, Warrior, you stupid goddamn son of a bitch. (Austin pours beer on the Warrior as he convulses, and then sits down while the audience is going nuts) Can I get a hell yeah?

Fans: HELL YEAH! AUSTIN 3:16! WHOOOO!

J.R.: Well, I guess it's time to go down to our ring announcer, Todd Lightning.

"Ladies and gentlemen, the FTUW is proud to present its FIRST EVER tag team match!" The fans go ballistic, this is the event they've all been waiting for! "So now, without further ado, in this corner, representing the mean streets, SELLA PHAAAAAAAYNE and THE MACHO MAN, RANDY SAVAGE!" Boos ring out as Phayne and Macho Man run down the ramp, Phayne holding up his dealer chip and then spinning it around his neck. Macho Man is wearing his trademark MADNESS shirt. Savage pulls out a bullet, takes a bite out of one end and then sticks the cartridge up his nose, snorting the goddamned gunpowder. They both slide into the ring under the ropes on their stomachs. Phayne then feeds Macho Man, whose nostrils are leaking blood at an obscene rate, a few adderall pills. The camera zooms in on Savage and white powder and blood is in his beard.

"In the opposing corner, from the Section 8 satellite orbiting the earth, DOCTOR DANIEL MENTED and BIZZZZZZZZZARO FANCY LALA!" The sound of steps like in Jurassic Park bounces through the stadium and glasses of water that have no reason to even be there vibrate. The fans scream for their lives, expecting something awful, and their fears are confirmed when Fancy Lala steps out with Dr. Mented seated on his shoulder. Lala grabs a fan and bites his head off and then shits his pants. Dr. Mented starts vomiting and falls off, but Lala catches him and lays him over his shoulder. Lala leaps into the ring and then places Dr. Mented on the outside of the ropes.

J.R.: Bah gawd, I had thought I'd seen the last of that kind of pant-shitting action when the original Fancy Lala died.

STONE COLD: I'm not sure if most wrestling fans know this, but Eric Bischoff regularly shits in his pants, so this is not the first time I've seen something like that.

The bell rings and action commences like hell! Sella Phayne sees first action for his side and runs like a retard into Lala, pulling up for a drop kick. His feet bounce off and Phayne does a back flip onto his face. He rolls around on the mat, apparently in unbearable pain, pounding his fist. The whole time Lala just stands there. The ref goes over to see what is wrong with Phayne and Macho Man takes his cue. Macho Man climbs up the turnbuckle and delivers a top rope axe handle to the back of Lala's massive skull. Lala barely stumbles forward and Dr. Mented calls to the ref! Meanwhile, Macho Man kneels over and then Sella Phayne comes back and pushes Lala, tripping him! He rolls over the ropes and smashes against the barrier.

Sella Phayne pulls out two slices of white bread from his back pocket and presents to the crowd! Macho Man stands opposite Phayne, who then runs at Macho Man and is boosted 15 feet into the fucking air out of the ring! Phayne lands on Fancy Lala's gut and stuffs the slices of bread into the monster's mouth.

"Aaaaagh! Fuck!" FANCY LALA BITES SELLA PHAYNE'S FUCKING INDEX FINGER OFF!

J.R.: Unbelievable! Bizarro Fancy Lala just took a bite out of Phayne's big finisher!

"Shit, Macho Man, do something! That nigga ate my fucking finger!" Phayne yells to his partner. Macho Man just stands there for a while, shrugging, and then throws Phayne his bandanna to wrap around his bleeding hand. Phayne slides back into the ring, awaiting the ref's count out and cursing himself.

This whole time, Lala just sits motionless. "Dammit, at least Ooka Jooka could fight on his own," Dr. Mented whispers to himself and then pulls out his remote control. Lala sits up like the Undertaker and then tries to roll into the ring but is stuck under the rope. Macho Man goes back to the outside and is tagged in by Phayne, then runs up and punches Dr. Mented in the face causing him to drop the controller and fall to the ground. "SNAP INTO A SLIM JIM! DIG IT!" Savage yells as he delivers the Savage Elbow to the prone Dr. Mented.

J.R.: SAVAGE ELBOW! SAVAGE ELBOW! IT'S OVER FOR THE GOOD DOCTOR! There's no way Lala can get into the ring now!

BUT THE MENTION OF SLIM JIMS AWAKENS LALA TO HIS PREDICAMENT! Lala stirs and rips through the ropes and gets back into the ring, looking for the Slim Jims! When Savage gets back into the ring, he's greeted by a giant salivating Fancy Lala! He delivers chop after chop to Lala's midsection, but nothing can stop the monster and he backs Macho Man into a corner! Macho Man continues punching and suddenly, Fancy Lala's gut begins to tighten. A collective prayer goes out that he's not about to take another shit, when a metal cylinder pops out of Lala's stomach! Macho Man ducks and covers his ears and a CANNON BALL flies over his head, annihilating the fucking turnbuckle!

Phayne runs into the ring to assist Macho Man and delivers a low blow, but all it does is cause shit to leak out of Fancy Lala's tights! Fuck! Lala turns around to see what happened and finds Sella Phayne on the mat, choking on vomit. AND THEN HE FUCKING SLIPS IN HIS OWN SHIT AND CRUSHES THE MACHO MAN! SHIT IS FLINGED OUT INTO THE REF'S EYES AND HE RUNS AROUND TRYING TO SCRAPE IT ALL OUT, BUT ONLY ABLE TO REMOVE HIS OWN FECAL-INFECTED EYES.

J.R.: It looks like the ref won't be able to save anyone now. Now it's just a good ol' Oklahoma bar fight!

STONE COLD: And the only one in this fight who isn't a complete joke is probably dead. This is turning out to be a pretty piss-poor match.

Sella Phayne, seeing his chance, pulls out a Tec 9 and empties it into Fancy Lala's gut. BUT THE BULLETS JUST BOUNCE OFF OF HIS FAT! Knowing he can't get Fancy Lala off of Macho Man, he throws the gun at him in frustration, but it bounces off and hits Phayne in the head, knocking him unconscious! Just at that time, Dr. Mented wakes from his stupor at the sound of Lala's cannon firing again and climbs into the ring.

"It looks like revenge will be mine, Mr. Phayne. The Macho Man can't save you and you've proven that you can't even save yourself from yourself. Heh heh heh. It's just as well because you couldn't stand up to my greatest invention! Theldorrin's technology is unmatched!" Dr. Mented raises his arms and his lab coat FUCKING EXPLODES INTO SHREDS and a mechanical exoskeleton appears around Dr. Mented who is wearing a purple spandex bodysuit.

"MY NIGGAS, IT'S TIME! GET THAT MOTHERFUCKER!" A dozen black dudes jump out of the crowd and run toward the ring with AK-47s. Dr. Mented, confused, spins around. In response, JAMES BROCK MCHARRIS and a dozen trained FTU technicians in skull suits repel from the rafters! "Let's settle this," McHarris tells the leader of the GANGSTERS as he decends.

The gangsters open fire, missing pretty much completely and killing 8 people and wounding 23. McHarris punches two gangsters in their stomachs, causing them to puke blood, as his fists pass all the way through. He flips the two men off his arms, runs at the leader and POWERBOMBS HIM THROUGH THE FUCKING FLOOR. The fans go insane because McHarris is FUCKING AWESOME and everyone breaks out into fist fights to celebrate.

J.R.: The Commissioner takes care of his Superstars, in and out of the ring. It looks like Sella Phayne is safe tonight.

STONE COLD: Wait a goddamned minute, in all that time, Dr. Mented didn't kill Sella Phayne?

J.R.: No, because that would be inconvenient to the text based nature of this federation.

STONE COLD: Works for me.

WITH THE VILLAINS SUBDUED Dr. Mented continues, "Huh, well, uh, it's time for me to kill you, Phayne. Prepare to die, you son of a bitch!" Mented cocks back his arm for the death blow, steps forward AND FUCKING SLIPS IN FANCY LALA'S SHIT. HE FALLS ON HIS BACK AND CAN'T GET UP BECAUSE HE'S A FUCKING IDIOT WHO DIDN'T DESIGN IT TO DO THAT KIND OF BASIC ACTION.

J.R.: Wow, this is the worst fight ever. All of our contestants are about as effective as a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest.

Finally, while Mented rocks back and forth on the ground, Sella Phayne regains consciousness! He gets up and shakes his head, "Aw, dogg, what the hell am I doing here? Macho Man, did I do acid and xanbars again?" Just then a bullet rips through Phayne's neck and he falls, PINNING DR. MENTED. James Brock McHarris throws the Cuban cigar he had been smoking IN A PERFECT SPIRAL, passing through the shooter's head, killing him. He then signals to get a new ref into the ring. "That'll teach that goddamn motherfucking shitfuck to fuck with me."

ONE TWO THREE!

J.R.: And thank God. Your winner is Sella Phayne, who will PROBABLY not live through the night, and Macho Man, who may already be dead.

WW: Uh, shit, what the hell happened? Why am I surrounded by chinks?

Backstage, in one of the MANY HALLWAYS of the Wong Dong Athletics Arena or whatever is Sella Phayne. Still recovering from his match with fatty monster Fancy Lala doesn’t mean he has to stop his business. He meets with a man in a black suit and scars. He’s probably a part of the Triads or something (he is). Phayne exchanges are large cache of drugs for cash.

“Fuck opium dis is the shit!” Phayne laughs, “that shit will unslant your eyes!”

The Triad and Phayne part ways. The Triad, suitcase in hand, begins walking down the hallway to the exit. As he opens the double-doors a figure is standing in the

“Get the fuck out of the way,” the Triad mutters. The Triad attempts to pass but the shadowy figure stands in his way.

“If you know what’s good for you you’rr get outta da way!”

The shadowy man doesn’t comply. The Triad pulls a fucking machete from his pants.

“You wanna pray?”

Suddenly, something begins to GLEAM in the poor lighting of the hallway. The glinting catches the Triad’s eye. The man steps forward, revealing that the shiny object is a FUCKING HUGE REVOLVER. The Triad’s mouth drops just in time for a BULLET TO BE BLASTED THROUGH HIS LEG, nearly tearing his leg off.

“ERRYYAAGH!” the Triad screams.

The Triad begins pathetically crawling away, dragging his barely attached leg with him, leaving a massive trail of blood.

“W-W-Who the fuck are you?!” the Triad cries.

“Death.”

The shadowy figure blows the man’s head off, spraying his brains everywhere. Then he turns and leaves.

A dumptruck drives down the entrance ramp and parks beside the ring. Suddenly, men start heaving the bodies of dead fans into the back of it. After collecting nearly one hundred people, it drives back up the ramp and out the exit.

J.R.: I hear you’re the one who came up with this idea, Warrior.

W.W.: That’s right, J.R.! I figured that since FTUW is the most popular entertainment in the world that there’s tons of people trying to get into our shows! However, despite how much we’d like them to be here, there are not enough seats for everyone. Then after seeing the reports about how we lose around a third of our audience per match, I decided why should we let those seats go to waste! Once someone dies, a ticket for their seat goes on sell! It’s genius, really.

Lightning: Our next match is scheduled for one fall. Coming to the ring first … from the Kanto region of Japan … “The Kanto Devil” Kuuuroooda Saaaitooooo!

The lights turn to a sepia-tone and shitty-sounding Jap music plays (I’m just going to up and say since everyone knows he’s supposed to be Kakihara: It’s the music from Ichi the Killer) over the PA system. He’s wearing a purple trenchcoat with lime-green trim and a blue, sequin shirt underneath. His pants are a lighter blue and also sequined. Saito tries to slide into the ring under the bottom robe BUT GETS HIS BONER STUCK ON THE APRON. After some maneuvering he stands up and whips out his cock, making Todd Lighting feel uncomfortable. Saito proceeds to chew on his hand until it starts bleeding and use the BLOOD as a lubricant.

Lightning: And uh … fuck … his opponent … from Black Forest, Germany … MOOOOLOOCH ARSCHLOOOOCH!

W.W.: Moloch Arschloch? Who the hell? Isn’t this Apathetic Arschloch.

J.R.: I’m afraid not, Warrior. It seems that two weeks since his last match where he was shit on by his father, Apathetic Arschloch killed his father and underwent a name change. Then he took over Germany, had his arm gnawed down into a bone spike, then stuck a claw on it. Now he’s back to make everyone know he isn’t really as shitty as they once thought.

W.W.: Hm.

Moloch walks towards the ring, HIS BLACK CAPE flowing behind him. His GOLD MASK, GOLD CLAW, and long, blonde hair all shimmer in the light. His weight causes the ramp to SHUDDER with every step. Once he reaches the ring, he walks up the stairs, nearly crushing them under his feet. He steps into the ring to see Kuroda jacking himself off.

“Nyooo … you look tough!” Kuroda licks his lips.

W.W.: Queer-lib-p/c-fuck-queer-fag.

J.R.: And not only that, it looks like the referee is now asking Moloch to remove his claw.

The referee stands up to the BEHEMOTH STANDING BESIDE HIM, outstretching his arms for the claw. Moloch doesn’t respond, only shoves his claw into the body of the referee. The referee falls backwards, impaled, carrying the claw with him. The body removers yank the golden claw from his corpse and set it on the timekeeper’s table before throwing the referee into the corpse truck. A new referee takes his place.

J.R.: Look at his arm! It’s just a sharpened bone!

“Ooh! So you’re into the same stuff I am?” Kuroda asks, nonchalantly stroking his cock.

“No,” he replies.

“Oh well. Let’s have a great fight, anyway.”

The bell rings and MOLOCH CHARGES FORWARD, driving his BONE SPEAR FORWARD. Saito attempts to DODGE BUT THE SPEAR FLIES INTO HIS MOUTH AND OUT HIS CHEEK!

J.R.: Bah Gawd! We’ve already got blood!

“Glrlrkkalalmamalala” Saito tries to talk with a bone in his mouth (hee hee).

Moloch tries to yank the bone from SAITO’S MOUTH but, for some retarded reason, he’s biting into it! Moloch pulls with no result so he just ends up SLAMMING SAITO INTO THE NEAREST TURNBUCKLE. When he doesn’t release his BONE SPEAR, he just keeps slamming over and over. Soon, Saito falls limp and slides off the spear.

W.W.: I don’t even get this. Why did he want to be a wrestler again?

Saito crawls to his feet and attempts to ATTACK MOLOCH. He goes for his SECRET MARTIAL ARTS TECHNIQUE, KARE-SANSUI, but his fingers break when he attempts to drive them into his chest. A loud metal clang tells Saito that Moloch is wearing armor under his FRILLY SILK SHIRT.

“Ah … that’s bad,” Saito mutters to himself. Saito looks up to see a BIG FUCKING BOOT DRIVEN INTO HIS FACE! He FLIPS THROUGH THE AIR SEVERAL TIMES before landing on his face. Moloch puts one foot on his back, causing Saito’s bones to pop repeatedly. Moloch kicks the ground with his other foot and SKATEBOARDS ACROSS THE RING, LEAVING A TRAIL OF BLOOD BEHIND HIM!

J.R.: BAH GAWD BAH GAWD! HE’S GOING TO KILL HIM!

Moloch nonchalantly flips him over with his foot and then puts it on his chest. He puts to the referee who realizes that this is a pin.

OOOOONNNEE!

TWOOOOOOO!

THR-KICKOUT! Saito kicks out!

”Nonono … let’s not end the fun this quickly …” Saito weakly chokes out of his blood covered face. HE RAISES HIS ARM AND SLAMS IT INTO MOLOCH’S HEEL. Saito pulls himself to his feet slowly, blood dripping all over the mat which is covered by blood from the previous matches. Moloch attempts to follow Saito but can’t move! He’s frozen in place!

J.R.: Why is Moloch just standing there?

Saito walks up to the frozen MOLOCH AND LEAPS ONTO HIS CHEST LIKE A MONKEY. HE STRADDLES ARSCHLOCH, PUTTING HIS BONER ON HIS CHIN. He grabs MOLOCH’S GOLDEN MASK AND YANKS IT FROM HIS FACE.

“Oooh … your face has a long history of violence! This will be fun nyooo!” Saito cackles.

SAITO PRIES HIS FINGERS INTO MOLOCH’S MOUTH AND BEGINS PULLING ON HIS JAW.

J.R.: It’s the Ikebana! The finisher that Saito never gets a chance to use! He’s going to rip MOLOCH’S JAW RIGHT OFF!

“Ayiii! This is really tough!” SAITO SAYS AS THE JAW IS STRETCHED AT ITS MAX. Moloch’s jaw begins to CRACK, BLOOD TRICKLING FROM HIS TORN MOUTH. ARSCHLOCH IS GIVING KURODA A COLD STARE OF DEATH THE ENTIRE TIME. He continues to pull HARDER AND HARDER UNTIL …

SNAP!

MOLOCH FUCKING BITES KURODA’S FINGERS OFF! SAITO FALLS BACKWARDS, STILL STRADDLING MOLOCH HANGING BY HIS LEGS. MOLOCH GRABS HIM AND POWERBOMBS HIM THROUGH THE FUCKING RING!

J.R.: HE POWERBOMBED HIM TO HELL!

The referee begins waving his arms in the air, declaring the match over.

Lightning: And your winner … MOLOCH ARSCHLOCH!
Yogurtman
Odin
Joined: 03 Jan 2007
Posts: 2248
(Mon Feb 19, 2007 11:41 pm)
Reply

Post     Re: FTUW'S RIKI-OH! 2 (#8)

Krystøl stands in the locker room, his lovely valet, dressed in a diamond bikini, placing his silk robe over his shoulders and then Non-American Championship belt securely around his waist. He pats her paternally on the head and gives her an emerald from his chest as payment for her services. Suddenly, he hears inhuman moaning from outside the door!

"Stand back, my precious, but simple, lady. I would hate for you to get in my way and then I would be responsible for the suffering of a non-American," Krystøl explains. The door explodes into splinters that merely bounce off of Krystøl's diamond hard skin. Then he sees the source of the sounds; ZOMBIES! Without a hint of worry, he snaps his fingers, sending jewels flying through the skulls of his undead stalkers.

"Hard'Rok ..."

------------------------------------------------------------

J.R.: This is the first in a series of THREE matches with title implications. In this match, for the Non-American title, we have Guan Fei and Romeo Kryst- uh, Krytol? I'm not sure how you pronounce that symbol in his name. Next, there is the monumental match-up between Rakkyu Saketumi and Jack "Jim Beam" Daniels for the chance to face the FTUW champ at Super Taboo Tuesday, brought to you by Roy Jonze Jr. Finally, in the last match of the evening, Theldorrin XIV and the Cloaked Man, Hard'Rok, will do battle for ownership of the FTUW championship.

WW: That's right, J.R. This evening is packed with men at the top of their games, ready to become legends in the same breath as the Warrior, Bret Hart, Andre the Giant. These are the big leagues, my friends, and maybe I don't respect the politics of everyone involved, by all rights I shouldn't have to, this is after all America, but I can't deny that I respect the work ethic it took them to get where they're at.

Too many times we let ourselves get caught up in the game, we forget to focus on what is really important in life. I can look in my mind's eyes and see my family, my country, and I refuse to forget those things. They keep me going, keep me sane. Likewise, these individuals see in their mind's eyes the title. This title can represent many things to many people, but they didn't burn themselves out on drugs or what have you. Men like Curt Hennig, Lex Luger, these men reached the apex but lacked the discipline to avoid self-destruction. If you can't grow up and leave behind the irresponsibility that is forgivable in youth, hey, you deserve to wake up in that dank, dirty alley or not even wake up at all. I know that sounds harsh, but in this age of p/c liberalism, maybe that's what we need. We need the Warrior to be harsh. Aw gee, I'm sorry I didn't sugar coat it for you.

J.R.: Well, on that note, let's talk about these competitors. Guan Fei has to realize he is in hostile territory, so he'll have to be on his toes. You never know when Theldorrin may strike.

WW: It's true, you can't trust the Chinese any further than you can throw them, Jim. Hopefully, though, this match will finally prove to the world that queering does not work when Krystol is shown the business end of a boot.

J.R.: Stone Cold, what do you think?

STONE COLD: I think Chinese beer is shit.

J.R.: I could not agree more, Stone Cold. Let's head to Todd Lightning in the ring.

Todd Lightning scratches his balls, coughs and begins, "This match will determine the FTUW Non-American Championship! Coming into the ring first, the challenger from Nanjing, China, Non-America, Minister of the Beard, GUAAAAAAN FEI!" The sound of a voice saying "SELF HIGH FIVE" is heard, then the playing of thousands of Chinese violins to the tune of Smells Like Teen Spirit. Guan Fei marches into the ring with Diamond Dallas Page at his side. Page continually does the diamond cutter symbol and yells bang while Guan Fei laughs confidently.

"And introducing the current FTUW NON-AMERICAN CHAMPION OF THE WORLLLLD! From a hole in the middle of Non-American Antarctica, KRYSTØL!" As Krystøl struts like a cocky little rooster to the ring, the sound of every national anthem on the planet EXCEPT America's plays in an unintelligible cacophony, and boos rain on him. "How dare you not love America!" "Hey, pal, fuck you!" "Fag!" When he enters the ring, he holds up his belt before handing it to the referee. Then he turns around to show a map of the world on the back of his robe, with the United States of America absent!

WW: That guy makes me so mad! He's like the Anti-Warrior!

STONE COLD: If I got my panties in a bunch every time I saw a stupid faggot, I can tell you I wouldn't be here right now.

The bell rings and the two fighters just circle around, checking their opponent for moments of weakness. Krystøl stares down his nose and feints a few jabs, laughing when Guan Fei flinches. Guan Fei refuses to underestimate his foe. Finally, Krystøl throws a punch with full force and Guan Fei blocks it with his palm and clutches the fist tightly. Blood runs down his wrist from the sharp edges of the jewels that make up Krystøl's impenetrable skin. Even so, the grip is tight and Krystøl can't pull free. In frustration, he punches with the other hand, but Guan Fei responds in the same manner and then bends Krystøl's hands back. Krystøl falls back to a knee in pain.

"Heh heh, not so proud now, are you?" Guan Fei asks, smirking. He kicks Krystøl in the face repeatedly, but none of the kicks seem to do much damage. As a last resort, to stop the onslaught of kicks, Krystøl headbutts Guan Fei in the goddamned jewels! Guan Fei rolls on the mat in agony, but regains his senses in time to avoid a stomp from Krystøl. Unfortunately, he's unable to avoid the elbow drop that follows. Krystøl pulls Guan Fei up by his beard and then delivers a set of headbutts that cause blood to run down K'unt-smak's forehead. Krystøl then slaps Guan Fei a couple times across the face for good measure, but also because he's an arrogant queer.

As Guan Fei regains his footing, Krystøl says, "I suppose I'll have to use a few of the new maneuvers that I learned in my travels. While nothing special, I'll admit, they should be enough to honour my commitment as the Non-American champion and show you how inferior you really are! First, the Cook Island Clutch!" Guan Fei tries to evade, but a speedy hand catches him by the throat! Krystøl lifts K'unt-smak from the ground, spins and choke slams him!

"Now, my friend, the Belgian Waffle Maker!" Guan Fei is lifted up into a suplex position and then Krystøl does a backflip and sandwiches Guan Fei between himself and the mat. "And last, but certainly not least among my new international moves, the Spanish Fly!" Krystøl pulls Guan Fei up to his feet, and then climbs the turnbuckle. Guan Fei is still dazed when he sees Krystøl leaping toward him doing a huracanrana! BUT THEN AT THE TOP OF THE MOVE, HE TURNS IT INTO AN ARIAL TOMBSTONE PILEDRIVER!

J.R.: Bah gawd! Bah gawd! I've never seen anything like this in my life!

Guan Fei is out cold! Krystøl goes in for the roll up, one - two - THR - ! GUAN FEI KICKS OUT WITH THE REF'S HAND ONE INCH OFF THE CANVAS!

J.R.: Even after all that, Guan Fei is still in this!

WW: As much as I would love to see the queer go down (And not on a dude, so stop what you're thinking, you queers), I'm not sure the chinaman has it in him. He's taken a lot of punishment.

"Give up, K'unt-smak, you've already lost."

Guan Fei responds simply by raising his hands into the air.

J.R.: Do you see that? The Diamond Cutter!

Guan Fei runs at Krystøl who swings wildly, but Guan Fei ducks and rebounds off of the ropes. Krystøl tries to turn around but it's too goddamned late! DIAMOND CUTTER! DIAMOND CUTTER! Guan Fei hits the mat and Krystøl's FUCKING HEAD FLIES OFF. The crowd fucking goes insane! Krystøl has been decapitated!

J.R.: Holy shit! Diamond Cutter! Diamond Cutter!

WW: Fuck! Fuck!

Krystøl's body gets up and starts looking for its head! Guan Fei fucking punts that bitch into the crowd. DDP starts yelling bang over and over and then has a seizure from the sheer excitement. Guan Fei, however, never loses composure as he picks up Krystøl's headless body and powerslams it. The body lies motionless as Guan Fei gives it a standing moonsault.

J.R.: Jesus Christ in Heaven, it's the Greco-Romance of the Three Kingdoms!

WW: Chinky has to be tired now, can he still pull it off?

Guan Fei leaps up onto the top rope and does the second moonsault! As the crowd starts to completely lose it, passing Krystøl's head around like a beach ball, K'unt-smak jumps 50 feet into the air onto the Faggotron! Suddenly, a beautiful woman wearing only a thong composed of diamonds grabs Krystøl's head and runs into the ring, tossing it back on his shoulders. As she is tackled and gang raped by the FTUW security, Krystøl seems to recover, shaking his head. The ref is distracted by the spectacle outside of the ring when four sets of grey, decomposing hands reach through the ring floor and hold Krystøl in place! While Krystøl struggles in vain, Guan Fei's final moonsault lands, smashing both competitors through the canvas, punching a hole in the fucking ring!

The fans hush as both superstars fall out of view. As the seconds tick by, everyone speaks in whispers, speculating on the outcome. Finally there is a stirring! A hand reaches out of the hole, A JEWELED HAND! Krystøl pulls himself up through the hole and smirks at the audience. The crowd goes fucking wild with applause and cheers and Krystøl is confused. THEN THE FUCKING MINISTER OF THE BEARD'S HAND GRABS THE BACK OF KRYSTØL'S HEAD AND SMASHES IT INTO THE REMAINS OF THE RING. K'unt-smak jumps out and pulls Krystøl up, puts his head under his arm and delivers a DDT. Guan Fei goes for the pin!

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!

J.R.: Guan Fei wins the Non-American belt! It's over! What a spectacular comeback!

WW: Wait, now Chinese guys have both belts! What the fuck!

J.R.: Now we’re coming up to one of the bigger matches of the night, the #1 Contendership match for the FTUW Championship! Jack “Jim Beam” Daniels will face off with Rakkyu Saketumi in the squared-circle; the winner of the bout will take on the winner of tonight’s main event at Super Taboo Tuesday!

W.W.: That’s right, J.R.! Daniels and Saketumi will finish the fight they started at King Shit of Fuck Mountain. In that hellish Forest of Grisly Rape, they traded head-butts until the buzzer sounded, signifying the end of the match. They would have faced one another while climbing the mountain but Saketumi was too drained from his match with Baron Hoity von Toity.

S.C.: Amummadahtoughsonuvabitch!

Austin slams two beers together and gets his fellow commentators wet.

J.R.: There’s definitely some bad-blood between these two and last PPV’s controversial ending only stoked the fires! In the last leg of the match, Daniels interfered and knocked both fighters out completely. Then he used his mind-control powers to convince Commissioner McHarris to declare the match a no contest!

W.W.: Plausible!

J.R.: Now, let’s go to ring as Todd Lightning is about to announce the upcoming match.

Lightning steps into the ring with his microphone.

Lightning: Ladies and gentleman, the following match is for the #1 Contendership of the FTUW Championship! Coming to the ring fi-

Lightning’s microphone is cut off. Suddenly the lights turn off.

W.W.: What the queer?

A single spotlight focuses on the entrance. Grandiose music begins playing as a massive lacquered, gold-inlaid, jewel-encrusted throne is carried by twenty Chinese servants. On this throne is none other than Theldorrin XIV! He cradles a glass of red wine in his hand, his head propped up by his fist as he displays an expression of boredom. His long, flowing crimson cloak is draped over the back of the throne. Instead of cheers all the fans in the arena bow down and try to be as silent as possible.

J.R.: What the hell is Theldorrin doing here? I don’t like the looks of this one bit.

The Chinese servants bring his throne to the side of the ring opposite of the entrance ramp. They set him gently and other servants begin catering his every whim, fanning him and such.

Lighting: Coming to the ring first, hailing from Nagasaki, Japan … The Burning Wolf … RAKKYU SAKETUUUUMI!

Out of the entrance bursts Rakkyu Saketumi, shoving a barely-cooked steak into his mouth. He tears into the flesh viciously but his attention is unwavering, focused solely on the ring. Behind him are his comrades, Kuzuki and Tanaka, following him without fear. Kuzuki flicks his cigarette into the crowd and sneers, throwing off some curses at the Chinese crowd. Tanaka waddles quickly trying to keep up with his leader’s pace.

“Saketumi-sama!” Tanaka whines, “Are you sure you should be right before your match?”

”Tch, I’ve been so hungry …” Saketumi grumbles, “I had to rush from that dojo so quickly to make it in time, I didn’t have a chance to eat!”

“I hope that training paid off …” Tanaka thinks to himself, “The Burning Wolf is facing a real demon …”

Rakkyu Saketumi hops onto the apron and steps through the ropes. He walks into the turnbuckle and grabs the ropes, stretching and SUCH. Tanaka and Kuzuki move to a side of the ring far away from Theldorrin.

J.R.: If you open up the dictionary and look up the word “heart” you’ll see a picture of Rakkyu Saketumi. This is, of course, assuming you’re reading the FTUW English Dictionary available now at ftuwstore.com!

W.W.: I wrote 80% of the words in that dictionary.

J.R.: That’s right, Warrior. And let’s certainly hope this match is lacking in “Queerfaggery!”

Lightning: And his opponent ... hailing from Bourbon County, Kentucky … JACK “JIM BEEEAM” DAAAANIELS!

Jack Daniels enters onto the stage. He begins walking towards the ring, eyeing Saketumi. Saketumi returns the glare, following his opponent all the way to the ring. Jack slowly walks up the ring steps and begins to feel something. An immense pressure. He looks over to Saketumi who is distorted by a heat haze! Once he feels that POWERFUL KI a burning sensation shoots through his hand. His arm begins to glow red, the veins under his skin looking like hot coals. He clenches his wrist with his arm until the spasms end. He returns his gaze to Saketumi. Both fighters meet each other in the ring.

J.R.: I’m surprised Saketumi can show any restraint after what Daniels did to him two weeks ago!

Two men enter the upper stands of the arena but on opposite stands. These men are Hattori Hanzo, Rakkyu Saketumi’s mentor that taught him his ultimate technique and Austin “Wild Turkey” Nichols, long-time friend of Jack Daniels and ex-wrestler.

J.R.: The referee is now explaining the rules to the two competitors.

W.W.: That’s right, this match will have a no count-out rule enforced due to the incredible amount of count-outs last Pay-Per-View and how insanely awesome it was to watch Theldorrin chuck humans at Saketumi. Our largest amount of PPV buys yet!

Daniels and Saketumi stare each other down INTENSELY. The referee administering the rules feels weak in the knees and sweats profusely.

”No use of weapons of any kind, no distracting me while one of your friends hits the other guy in the balls, and no-“

SAKETUMI JUST HEADBUTTS DANIELS IN THE FUCKING F

S.C.: Gemmadatsummabitch!

J.R.: Saketumi can’t wait any longer! He’s unleashing hell!

HEADBUTT AFTER HEADBUTT AFTER HEADBUTT! Daniels can’t stop the assault! He’s been caught totally off guard! The referee signals for the bell.

“RORRUING …!” Saketumi screams until his lungs feel like they’re going to explode.

“Already?!” Kuzuki shouts.

Saketumi wraps his arms around Daniels waist and grips tightly! Daniels falls out of the concussed haze to see himself being HURLED THROUGH THE AIR! He’s being SUPLEX BACKWARDS!

“GOOOOOOOOOO!!” SAKETUMI SHOUTS.

J.R.: THE ROLLING GO!

Saketumi DRIVES HIM INTO THE MAT with his SIGNATURE MOVE! And he goes for the cover! The referee barely has enough time to fall to the mat for the pin!

OOOONNNEEE!

“Saketumi-sama!” Tanaka shouts.

TWOOOOOOO!

J.R.: SAKETUMI MAY HAVE WON IT HERE!

THR-! KICK OUT! Daniel has kicked out of the Rolling Go!

J.R.: Unbelievable! Saketumi is pulling out all stops and Daniels is resisting!

Saketumi grabs Daniels by his short, black hair and jams his foot into his gut. He whips Daniels into the ropes and on the rebound CLOTHESLINES HIM off his feet. Jack “Jim Beam” Daniels hasn’t recovered from a suplex driver straight into the mat.

W.W.: Things don’t look good for Daniels.

The Burning Wolf once again pulls Daniels to his fist. He grabs Daniel by the hair and REARS HIS HEAD BACK for another energy-charged HEAD-BUTT. As his SKULL CLOSES IN on its target, Daniel raises his hand and UNLEASHES A TORRENT OF FIRE!

J.R.: BAH GAWD! He’s turning him into fried sushi!

Austin bites into his wrist and starts sucking down his blood so he can achieve further intoxication.

The fire engulfs The Burning (hur) Wolf and sets the ring ropes behind him ablaze. A few fans near the guard rail catch fire and begin to scream. A few of members of Theldorrin’s army beat them to death with their rifles for screaming. Theldorrin chuckles softly as he swishes his wine around in his glass.

Saketumi falls to the ground COVERED IN RAGING FLAMES. Daniels struggles to his feet, his stamina temporarily drained by using his PYROKINESIS. Saketumi slams his FEET into the mat and shouts “OSSU!!” The flames on his body are BLOWN AWAY by his KI OUTBURST. Saketumi, smoking, points his finger at Daniels. Jack Daniels smirks and stands up. Saketumi raises his fists and Daniels begins bouncing from foot to foot.

“Come on!” Saketumi mutters in English with a DEVILISH SMILE. Daniels shrugs and steps forward. AS SOON AS HIS FOOT TOUCHES THE MAT HE VANISHES. Saketumi is taken aback! Suddenly a BLACK BLUR APPEARS IN FRONT OF THE BURNING WOLF. The blur transforms into Daniels, with his hands in his pockets. Saketumi looks down and suddenly sees a dozen FIST IMPRINTS IN HIS CHEST.

“Grrk!” Saketumi spits up a scant amount of blood, “it’s that … technique!”

J.R.: Wow! What speed! How is Saketumi going to deal with that!

Daniels moves at super speed once more and hurls another series of blows. Saketumi squints and sees of a few of them coming but hardly has the time to react!

”His blows are incredibly fast but aren’t very strong,” Saketumi thinks to himself as he desperately tries to dodge the attacks, “but ten of his punches are as good as one of mine!”

Saketumi TAKES THE BRUNT OF THE COMBO head-on so he CAN THROW A COUNTER PUNCH! His powerful fist is dodged easily by the much faster Daniels. Jim Beam takes the opportunity to fire a HEEL KICK INTO SAKETUMI’S JAW! The momentum from Rakkyu’s punch has been TURNED AGAINST HIM! Saketumi flips BACKWARDS IN THE AIR, BLOOD TRAILING FROM HIS MOUTH. He crashes into the ground and Daniels dives for the pin!

J.R.: He may have done it!

OOOONNNEE!


TW-Kickout! Saketumi has just PUNCHED DANIELS OFF OF HIM!

Saketumi HURLS A FIST THAT KNOCKS DANIELS CLEAN OFF HIM. Saketumi springs to his feet as Daniels rolls along the mat. AS SAKETUMI CLOSES IN DANIELS HOPS TO HIS FEET and fires off a FLURRY OF FISTS. Saketumi WEATHERS THE PUNCH STORM TO ENCLOSE ON DANIELS! Saketumi screams “ORYYAAH!” and throws a LUNGING PUNCH. Daniels is prepared for it, however. THE BLOW HITS THE SIDE OF HIS CHEEK, DRAWING BLOOD BUT AVOIDING THE BLOW. The sheer POWER FROM the punch rolls off Saketumi’s hand like steam and CUTS THE RING RO

W.W.: Daniels just barely dodged that one!

“Hmmm …” Hattori Hanzo thinks to himself, “all that power is useless if he cannot connect his punches. He’s just wasting his energy!”

The “Wild Turkey” lets loose a bizarre cackle as he slaps his knee.

“You got ‘em, Jack! Run dat Jap down tired! Keep dancin’, boy!’ Nichols smiles a WILY-EYED SMILE.

J.R.: And Saketumi hurls another punch and misses! Daniels fires off some more punches and punishes The Burning Wolf for his mistake!

“Kuso!” Kuzuki spits onto the ring-rope, “All of Saketumi’s matches are so painful to watch.”

Saketumi’s vision is slightly hazy. Blood drips from his smashed face and onto the mat. His muscles are sore. Ahead of him Daniels is bouncing effortlessly on one foot. Rakkyu concentrates, pulls back his fist, and shoots off another punch. Daniels turns into a blur and throws the more punches. Saketumi stumbles back and onto one knee.

“I gots’ta keep it up! One move ain’t gonna take him down! I’ll just pelt him in tah hamburger!” Daniels thinks to himself.

Saketumi tries to throw another hook but stops mid-throw, not wanting to waste his energy any further on moves that won’t connect. However, Daniels REACTS TO THE HALF-THROWN PUNCH AND CHARGES FORWARD. Saketumi, barely able to react, SLAMS A KNEE into his LOWERED JAW! Daniels flies back!

“A hole!” Saketumi thinks to himself, “I found a flaw in his defense!”

Daniels charges forward again. Saketumi is able to see him coming but he dodges his attacks once more, pelting him with RAPID-FIRE PUNCHES. Saketumi notices something this time. It seems he DODGED at the exact same time he threw a punch! Or maybe … even BEFORE! Saketumi fires off SOME SUPER COOL KICKS but Jack still dodges and c

W.W.: This isn’t much a fight anymore. After a spectacular finish Saketumi has barely been able to make any progress.

J.R.: It doesn’t look good for Rakkyu!

Saketumi closes his eyes and stands still as Daniels dances around him.

“Has he figured it out?” Hanzo thinks to himself.

“If he ain’t goin’ come for me I’ll just come to him!” Daniels thinks to himself as he charges forward. SUDDENLY, SAKETUMI THROWS A MASSIVE UPPERCUT THAT DRIVES ITSELF INTO JACK’S JAW! JACK IS DUMBFOUNDED AS A SINGLE ONE OF HIS TEETH ROCKETS FROM HIS MOUTH. HE TURNS TO SEE SAKETUMI, EYES STILL CLOSED!

“H-How did he?!” DANIELS UTTERS AS HE FLIES INTO THE AIR. Coming down, he lands on the fucking RINGPOST and nearly breaks his back.

J.R.: He nailed him!

“Hm! Saketumi figured it out!” Hanzo laughs, “Daniels movement was so precise and so efficient that his rhythm was incredibly easy to lock on to!”

Daniels struggles to, blood POURING FROM HIS MOUTH. Nichols grabs the barrier on the upper stands intensely.

“No movement with Daniels was wasted! Once Saketumi closed his eyes he wasn’t thrown off by Daniels’ spirit! He used only his opponent’s rhythm!” Hanzo thinks.

“Welp!” Daniels says, dusting off his pants and wiping the blood of his face, “I’ll just move faster!”

“NO!” Nichols shouts from his seat, “Saketumi has got your rhythm!”

”Is dat … Austin?”

Daniels gets ROCKED BY A MASSIVE BOOT TO THE FACE! His head slams against the mat at high speeds! Saketumi DROPS HIS FOOT TO CRUSH HIS SKULL but Daniels rolls out of the way and to a standing position!

“My rhythm?” Daniels thinks to himself, “Well then, I’ll just move to a different move!”

Daniels kneels down into a sprinter’s stance and DASHES! Saketumi LOWERS HIS HAND TO COUNTER BUT GETS BLOWN THE FUCK BACK! Daniels appears with a HIS HAND OUT-STRETCHED, fist buried in Saketumi’s chest. A small burst of FIRE is emitted from the CONTACT OF THE BLOW and Saketumi is FLUNG FROM THE RING! He crashes into the pile of Chinese men attending Theldorrin and smashes them into the guardrail.

“Kck!” Saketumi chokes up some blood.

“You’re going to let him do that to you?” A COLD, METALLIC VOICE UTTERS.

Saketumi turns his head to see Theldorrin sipping some wine and softly chuckling.

“Maybe you should just give up. It’s obvious you weren’t meant to wear this …” Theldorrin lifts up his FTUW Championship. He holds in front of Saketumi who is sitting on a few Chinese bodies. SHADOWS OBSCURE HIS EYES AND A POWERFUL ENERGY ERUPTS FROM HIM. He jumps into the ring and clashes with Daniels!

Daniels and Saketumi clash once more! Small bits of blue, slightly visible ENERGY surrounds The Burning Wolf. Wisps of FLAME encase Daniels!

“SECOND GEAROH …” Hanzo mutters, “They are now ready to unveil their true power.”

Saketumi’s ribs creak. Blood spurts from Daniels’ mouth. DANIELS LEAPS BACK and SWINGS HIS ARM UPWARD, throwing a TRAIL OF FIRE at Saketumi! Saketumi dodges to the side and the trail continues until it leaves the ring and goes into the crowd, burning several Chinese. Daniels whips MORE FLAMES AT SAKETUMI, his stamina draining insanely fast from the HELL MAGIC. Saketumi leaps off the ring post and into the air to DODGE but the waves OF FLAME. As he’s coming down DANIELS produces of a WHIP OF FLAME! Throwing it, it latches around Saketumi’s wrist!

“TAKE THIS, JAP!” Daniels screams! HE SWINGS THE FLAME WHIP DOWN AND DRIVES HIM HEADFIRST INTO THE MAT FROM TEN FEET IN THE AIR! Blood shoots from the wound and covers the mat.

J.R.: BAH GAWD! He buried him head first into the ring!

Daniels stumbles slightly and all the flames EXTINGUISH IN AN INSTANT. Saketumi is motionless. Daniels walks over to Saketumi but stops. He hears clapping. He turns his head to see Theldorrin applaud

“Excellent work!” Theldorrin claps his GAUNTLETS together, “I’m sure you’ll be a worthy foe next Pay-Per-View!”

Jack glares at Theldorrin who can only smirk. Suddenly, XIV raises a finger and points at Daniels. But he’s not pointing at Daniels … he’s pointing PAST DANIELS. JACK “JIM BEAM” DANIELS TURNS HIS HEAD TO SEE SAKETUMI STARING A HOLE INTO DANIELS. HIS HEAD IS CRACKED OPEN, HIS FACE IS EMITTING BLOOD AT A RETARDED RATE. DANIELS FEELS A SLIGHT FEAR TREMBLE DOWN HIS SPINE.

“What is this …” Daniels thinks as he stares into THE FUCKING INSANE EXPRESSION OF RAKKYU SAKETUMI’S, “What is this feeling?”

SAKETUMI LEANS THE FUCK BACK UNTIL HE’S PARALLEL WITH THE MAT. BLOOD EXITS FROM THE HOLE IN HIS HEAD AND HANGS IN THE AIR IN DROPLET FORM. Saketumi, in the midst of his RAGE-FILLED CONSCIOUSNESS, thinks about his first match with BARON HOITY VON TOITY. His mighty head-butt was broken by the ELBOW OF TOITY. That move nearly killed him.

Daniels just stands there, watching him, looking at his ENRAGED EXPRESSION. Saketumi begins focusing the KI IN HIS BODY INTO HIS FOREHEAD. Veins form on his skull. THAT BLUE ENERGY BECOMES CLEARER NOW. And like a rocket, Saketumi FLINGS FORWARD. THOSE DROPLETS OF BLOOD, STILL HANGING IN THE AIR, EXPLODE AS SAKETUMI FLIES FORW

“THAT SPIRIT … I REMEMBER THAT” Daniels thinks to himself, “I want to … CRUSH IT!”

RED FIRE STARTS COMING OFF OF DANIELS’ SHOULDERS. His eyes GLOW A BRIGHT RED. DANIELS SWINGS HIS HEAD DOWN AND SLAMS IT INTO SAKETUMI’S HEAD. THE TWO ENERGIES COLLIDE AND EXPLODE, BLOWING THE REMAINING RING ROPES INTO NOTHINGNESS.

J.R.: BAH GAWD! BAH GAWD! HE HEADBUTTED HIM BACK! AND NOW, THEIR JUST STANDING THERE! HEAD TO HEAD!

W.W.: This was like their unfinished battle at the Forest of Grisly Rape!

BOOM! BOOOM! BOOOOOM! LIKE SO MANY OF SAKETUMI’S MATCHES BEFORE, THIS ONE IS BEING RESOLVED WITH HEAD-BUTTS. HOWEVER, DANIELS IS COUNTERING WITH HIS OWN HEAD-BUTTS. THEY REPEAT, OVER AND OVER, SPRAYING BLOOD IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

”RORRUING …”

“SOUR …”

SMASH! SMASH! THEIR FOREHEADS ARE SCARRED. THEIR FACES ARE RED WITH BLOOD. THE BLOOD BEGINS TO BOIL ON THEIR FUCKING FACES FROM THE INTENSE AMOUNT OF ENERGY IN THE AREA. Theldorrin sits at ringside, watching his competition destroy themselves, doing his job for him.

“No, don’t do it Jack!” Austin says, “That boy is givin’ in to his darkside! He’ll lose himself!”

Soon the ring is covered with blood. Neither of them waning.

“I don’t have much more energy for this …” Saketumi thinks to himself.

“So I’ll have to save it all up for ONE LAST BLOW!” Daniels thinks.

“GOOOOOOO!”

“MASHAAAAA!”

BOOOOOM!

J.R.: IS IT … OVER?! ARE THEY DEAD?!

W.W.: OH GOD-

Blood sprays into the air. Daniels and Saketumi are standing face to face. Shadows obscuring their eyes. And then … DANIELS BEGINS TO FALL.

FALL …

FALL …

AND HE FALLS FORWARD! ON TOP OF SAKETUMI! SAKETUMI DOESN’T HAVE THE STRENGTH TO KEEP HIMSELF! DANIELS IS NOW ON TOP OF RAKKYU SAKETUMI!

J.R.: HE’S PINNING HIM!

OOOOOOOONNNEE!!

“NO! SAKETUMI-SAMA!” TANAKA SCREAMS.

“Saketumi! You can’t give up! KUSO KUSO!” KUZUKI SHOUTS.

TWOOOOOOOOOO!!

“Saketumi … you gave into your hate …” Hattori Hanzo, “Your opponents are too strong to fall from your power alone.”




“What is this … ?”


“What is this feeling … ?”


Daniels looks down at his eyes and sees a face. A face that doesn’t belong to Rakkyu Saketumi. It’s an old man’s face … a familiar face. Not to Daniels but to us. It’s the face of that old man, Genji, that Saketumi helped at the

“What the hell is this?!” Daniels thinks.

He looks around and sees thousands and thousands of Japanese people. Of course, chances are he wouldn’t know the difference but for dramatic effect let’s say he does. That Okinawan fisherman, the members of that village at the Dam, the Hellriders, and countless other Japanese. DANIELS IS FEELING THOUGHTS THAT ARE NOT HIS OWN … THE FEELINGS OF RAKKYU SAKETUMI.

“So that’s why …”

Daniels gets up off of Saketumi. Saketumi stares back at him through his crimson mask. HIS POWER WANING BUT STILL THERE. HE STILL HAS LIFE IN HIM.

“It all makes sense now …”

Saketumi begins to raise off of the mat, LEVITATING ALMOST. HE BEGINS TO RAISE TO HIS FEET. No one but Saketumi and Daniels understands what’s going on. Daniels sees it. BEHIND SAKETUMI are men and women lifting him up. Tanaka and Kuzuki are RAISING THE BURNING WOLF TO A STANDING POSITION. ALL THE MEN AND WOMEN SAKETUMI HAS EVER TOUCHED ARE SENDING OUT THEIR FEELINGS TO THE BURNING WOLF, RAISING HIM UP WHEN HE CAN NO LONGER STAND.

“It’s not your spirit that’s strong …”

SAKETUMI RAISES TO HIS FEET AND THOSE PEOPLE VANISH. BLOOD RUNS DOWN HIS FACE, HIS POMPADOUR SOAKED WITH BLOOD AND DISHEVELED.

“It’s the power of your friends that keeps you going … Those people that are important to you!”

Saketumi raises his head and looks at Daniels. Daniels red energy has faded, his veins no longer flaming. Daniels rubs his hand through his hair, slicking it back with both the blood of Saketumi and his own. A single tear runs down his cheek as he smiles.

“So that’s what having friends is like …” Daniels laughs, “That’s where you get your strength. I’ve been such a fool.”

Saketumi says nothing.

“I thought this dark power would make me strong …” Daniels smiles, “Jus’ like I thought that Ultrahol was the answer. Haha … I dun’ even know what I’m fightin’ for!”

Daniels looks out to the crowd. The images of the people Saketumi has touched have faded.

“You and I are a lot like, ya know?” Daniels says, “We both had everythin’ we had taken from us … but you … you changed in the ways I thought were impossible.”

Daniels turns back to Saketumi and raises his fists.

“But I ain’t givin’ up that easy!” Daniels shouts, “I have one friend out there! One friend that believes in me! And that’s enough … I won’t let him down!”

Saketumi raises his fists as well.

“Tch! Ya done talkin’ yet?”

Daniels smiles.

“Yeah,” says Daniels, “Let’s fight!”

AND THEY CHARGE ONCE AGAIN AND DRIVE THEIR FISTS INTO EACH OTHER’S FACES! ONCE CONNECTING, THEY ARE FLUNG BACK FROM THE POWER BUT QUICKLY REGAIN THEIR BEARINGS.

J.R.: These two men have gone to hell and back AND THEY ARE LEAVING IT ALL IN THIS RING!

DANIELS LEAPS OFF THE TURNBUCKLE AND SLAMS A FLYING KICK TO SAKETUMI’S FACE! Saketumi slides backwards and hits a turnbuckle. Once hitting it, he dashes off of it and TACKLES DANIELS TO THE GROUND. While on top of DANIELS HE SLAMS HIS HEAD DOWNWARDS. Daniels moves his head out of the way and SAKETUMI BURIES HIS FACE INTO THE MAT. Daniels PUSHES SAKETUMI OFF OF HIM and kips to his feet. Saketumi pulls himself up using the turnbuckle.

“It’s time to end this …” Saketumi thinks. He looks at Daniels and his vision becomes a little hazy. He stumbles forward … the loss of his blood is effecting him now. But he’s assured that Daniels is going through the same thing … he has to be!

SAKETUMI DASHES FORWARD and KICKS DANIELS RIGHT IN THE FUCKING FACE. Daniels slips from the blow and receives a SWIFT KICK TO THE RIBS. He leans forward and spits up a little blood. HE’S RIGHT IN POSITION.

“NOW!” SAKETUMI SCREAMS.

Saketumi takes a firm stance and begins collecting ENERGY IN HIS FEET. The mat around his feet begins TO TREMBLE.

“He’s going for it!” Hanzo thinks, “That move! The ultimate move! FEELING OVER!”

Saketumi lowers a fist to his side and CROUCHES. THE ENERGY GATHERS UP IN HIS FEET AND INTO HIS FIST.

“Tanaka-fatty … this is it …” Kuzuki says with his cigarette, unlit, dangling from his mouth.

“What are you talking about?” Tanaka looks at him comrade.

“I can feel it … this is what he was training for … this move!”

DANIELS MOVES IN SLOW-MOTION. HIS EYES BEGIN TO ADJUST AFTER THAT SWIFT RIB KICK. His body is drained, he can barely move. After the loss of all that blood and the use of his powers, he’s nearly drained. SAKETUMI GATHERS UP ENERGY IN HIS KNEES AND LEGS.

“FEELING …”

DANIELS SNAPS ALIVE! HE FEELS THAT ENERGY! HE CAN SENSE IT! He notices the fist that is lowered at Rakkyu Saketumi’s side.

“What the hell is this …” Daniels thinks, “I have to do something!”

DANIELS THRUSTS HIS HAND FORWARD AND CLASPS HIS OPPONENT’S THROAT. SAKETUMI LOOKS BACK IN SURPRISE.

“HELLFIRE PUNCH!!” DANIELS SCREAMS IN RAGE! IN DESPERATION, THAT DARKNESS ENVELOPS HIM ONCE MORE! FIRE SPRINGS FROM HIS FIST. HE HURLS HIS HAND, FLAMES DRAGGING FROM BEHIND, AT AN ANGLE, MEANT TO SLAM HIS HEAD THROUGH THE FUCKING MAT.

THE HELLFIRE PUNCH SAILS.

AND SAILS.

SAKETUMI BRINGS UP HIS HAND! THE ENERGY FROM HIS FEET SHOOTS UP INTO HIS KNEES AND THROUGH HIS BODY! HIS FEET BEGIN TO LEAVE THE GROUND, THE SPOT WHERE HE WAS STANDING BEGINS TO TWIST IN A POINT UNTIL THE MAT RIPS FROM THE SWIRLING ENERGY FORCE!

THEIR FISTS BEGIN TO CRAWL TOWARDS EACHOTHER! EVERYONE WATCHES WITH BATED BREATH! WHO WILL MAKE IT OUT OF THIS DEATH MATCH?!

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!

J.R.: BAH GAWD! BAH GAWD! BAH GAAAAAWWWDDD#WDKDGHG!!

W.W.: ERRAAAGHHQUEERRRAAHGH!!

AUSTIN FUCKING STUNNERS HIMSELF

FIRE SHOOTS UP INTO THE AIR! THE CAMERA PANS DOWN TO SHOW … SAKETUMI’S FIST TOUCHING DANIEL’S CHIN!!

And it pans to the left …

Saketumi’s jacket has burned off his body. Daniels fist IS IN HIS RAKKYU’S FACE. Blood begins collecting in a pool under Saketumi on the mat. Saketumi’s fist lowers from Daniels’ chin.

“Saketumi-samaaaaaa!!” the Hellriders cry in unison!

J.R.: HELLFIRE PUNCH! HELLFIRE PUNCH! IT CONNECTED!

“Saketumi …” Hanzo mutters.

Saketumi can find no energy left to stand. He begins to sink, his face sliding off from the outstretched punch. His body begins to fall apart.

“Rakkyu … were you fighting again?” a voice echoes in Rakkyu’s voice. A woman’s voice.

The silhouette of a figure appears in his mind. It’s his mother.

“Piss off, woman!”

“I told you to never to fight! Violence solves nothing! I want you to stay in school, become something to be proud of!”

And he sinks lower towards the mat.

Images of men clashing in a steel cage are peppered through his mind.

“He’s really strong, that one,” a man says observing a fight. He’s fighting Saketumi, age 16, standing over a bloody man.

“Nyooo … he is strong …”

And lower.

There’s a figure on the floor of Saketumi’s home. Blood pools under the figure. The darkness on the figure fades away to reveal it’s his mother.

“Rakkyu …” she chokes out, tears streaming down her eyes.

And lower.

Rakkyu faces off with a man in an alley. He crushes his face into the ground below, defeating him completely. He pulls his bloody skull up and shows him a picture. A picture of his mother.

“I don’t even know who she is!” the cowardly man says.

“You killed her.”

Saketumi slams the man’s face into the concrete and crushes it under his feet. But the burning hatred coursing through his veins has not subsided. Revenge has not quelled his desire to fight. Suddenly, he hears clapping from behind. He turns his head and sees a strangely dressed man.

“I think we have a place for you,” the man says, showing his silver teeth.

And he sinks further.



Until he can’t sink no further.



His legs are bent at the mat. His arm is down at his side. HIS FIST IS FUCKING CLENCHED. HE HAS SUNK RIGHT INTO THE STARTING POSITION OF THE FEELING OVER ONCE AGAIN!

“FEEEEEEEEEEEEEELIIIIIIIIIIIIIINGGGGGGGGG!!” HE SCREAMS.

“!!”

THE FUCKING ENERGY TRAVELS THROUGH SAKETUMI’S ARM, TWISTING HIS SKIN! HE EXPLODES OFF THE MAT, RAISING HIS HAND! THE UPPERCUT DRIVES ITSELF UP DANIELS’ CHEST, TEARING A MASSIVE SCAR INTO HIS CHEST! THE FIST KEEPS RISING UNTIL IT JAMS ITSELF INTO DANIELS’ JAW!! HIS JAW BEGINS TO TWIST ON THE IMPACT, THE SKIN TIGHTENING IN THE A SWIRL, THE CORKSCREWED ENERGY FLYING INTO HIS FUCKING FACE!

AND WITH A BOOM, THEY FLY TWENTY FEET UP INTO THE AIR! AT THE APEX, DANIELS FALLS OFF OF THE PUNCH AND BEGINS TO DESCEND BACK TO EARTH. SAKETUMI, NOW DRAINED OF NEARLY ALL HIS LIFE, FALLS AFTER HIM. THEY CRASH INTO THE RING, SAKETUMI LAYING ON TOP OF DANIELS.

OOOOOOOOOONNNNEEEEEE!!!









TWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!















THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!

SAKETUMI WINS! SAKETUMI WINS! SAKETUMI IS GOING ON TO FACE THELDORRIN AT SUPER TABOO TUESDAY!

Theldorrin snaps his fingers and his servants begin carrying h

“Daniels …” “Wild Turkey” Nichols begins to cry, “You fought well.”

J.R.: I can’t believe it! Saketumi has once again ESCAPED DEATH AND PULLED OUT A VICTORY!

W.W.: Saketumi is a credit to his race.

Medics begin rushing to the ring to help both competitors. Daniels stumbles to his feet, his mind hazy.

“So I lost, huh?” he laughs lowly.

As he walks down the ring steps he is stopped. THE SOUND OF MASSIVE APPLAUSE RINGS THROUGHOUT THE ARENA!

“THANK YOU FOR SUCH A GREAT MATCH, DANIELS!”

“WE’LL WATCH YOU AGAIN AND AGAIN!”

“YOU’RE A BRAVE WARRIOR!”

Daniels looks up and smiles, RAISING AN ARM TO THE CROWD. IN RESPONSE, THE CROWD BURSTS INTO CHEERS, chanting “DANIELS” over and over. Daniels walks to the exit, not relying on the help of the medics at ringside.

The medics place Saketumi on a gurney and begin lowering him out of the ring. Tanaka and Kuzuki rush to his side, tears streaming down their cheeks. Hanzo turns away from the ring and begins to leave.

“So he has grown …” Hanzo smiles, “he has friends.”

“Saketumi-sama!” they shout in unison. Saketumi is knocked out unconscious, unable to respond.

Suddenly, out from the ENTRANCE EMERGES JAMES BROCK MCHARRIS, a wide smile beaming on his f

J.R.: It’s McHarris! What is he doing here?!

McHarris walks quickly down the ramp and past Daniels, not even looking at him for a second. Daniels climbs up the ring stairs and enters the ring with a microphone.

“Well, you did it, Saketumi! You’ve proved yourself worthy and will get a shot at Super Taboo Tuesday!” McHarris announces through the microphone.

The crowd erupts in cheers.

“You didn’t give up! No matter what, you didn’t give up!” McHarris says.

Suddenly, McHarris’ expression turns sour.

“No matter what I tried you JUST DIDN’T GIVE UP, DID YOU, SAKETUMI?!”

J.R.: What the hell is he talking about?

MCHARRIS SLAMS HIS FOOT INTO THE GUT AND SAKETUMI, CAUSING THE MEDICS TO DROP THE GURNEY! Saketumi is sprung back into consciousness, PAIN SHOOTING THROUGH HIS FACE!

”YOU JUST WOULDN’T KNOW YOUR FUCKING PLACE, WOULD YOU?!” MCHARRIS SHOUTS AGAIN, SLAMMING HIS FOOT INTO HIS RIBS REPEATEDLY! The medics try to stop McHarris but he tosses them aside easily!

“Mind control? MIND CONTROL?! That was bullshit! Daniels tried to mind control me but it failed! DO I LOOK LIKE SOME SORT OF MORON?! THE FACT OF THE MATTER IS I WOULD NEVER HAVE YOU AS MY CHAMP! A DIRTY PIECE OF JAP TRASH LIKE YOU!” he screams as HE REPEATEDLY STOMPS SAKETUMI’S RIBS.

“I’ve been trying to UNDERMINE you ever since you got into this federation! ONCE I SAW THAT NAME, SAKETUMI, I KNEW WHO YOU WERE. YOUR FUCKING GRANDFATHER … I REMEMBER HIM IN WORLD WAR 2! And now a Saketumi has come back INTO MY LIFE once more to RUIN WHAT I’VE ACCOMPLISHED!” McHarris screams into the mic.

J.R.: His grandfather? What is he talking about?

“So fine! You’ll get your shot! And whoever the champ is he’ll just have to beat you and embarrass you! You can’t keep this up! You’re only human! Dying nearly every match has to have long-term effects! This will come to an end! YOU WILL DIE AT SUPER TABOO TUESDAY, I SWEAR IT!!”

MCHARRIS SLAMS HIS FOOT INTO ONCE LAST TIME. SAKETUMI’S EYES ROLL INTO THE BACK OF HIS HEAD AND HE GOES UNCONSCIOUS. The medics begin rapidly attending to him as McHarris drops the mic and exits the ring. McHarris swaggers all the way to the tranc
Yogurtman
Odin
Joined: 03 Jan 2007
Posts: 2248
(Mon Feb 19, 2007 11:42 pm)
Reply

Post     Re: FTUW'S RIKI-OH! 2 (#8)

Two high tech combat helicopters fly through a storming sky over the ocean. Their target comes into view. It is an island that comes out of the water and stands hundreds of vertical feet straight up. On the top of this bizarre formation is Stateswell Ultimaximum Security Holding Facility. Lightning crashes through the sky transforming the structure into an ominous sillouette. Inside one of the copters the pilots, covered head to toe in body armor struggle against the poor visibility of the pounding torrential rain. In the back of the helicopter 6 men holding 6 rocket launchers form a circle facing a single figure. The figure is restrained by straps, chains, and a solid steel shell that encases all but his head. Even his head is covered with precautionary steel grating that covers the mouth and eyes, which are also blindfolded. Electrified spikes point inwards and completely surround the figure should they attempt to move. The helicopter is also set to self-destruct in case of attempted escape, showing that these men’s lives are expendable and they will gladly give them if need be. In the other helicopter the same thing is going on.

Pilot: Requesting transport receipt of prisoner K89-LX66.

Radio: bzztt cleared for landing…Receipt accepted of prisoner K89-LX66…Codename…THELDORRIN.

The helicopter swoops down towards one side of the island while the other approaches the opposite side. In this helicopter all of the soldiers are wearing gas masks and airtight combat armor and the lone figure is also surrounded by bulletproof glass casing. It doesn’t take a genius to know this is the prisoner known as HARD’ROK.

In the FTUW arena the fans explode into a frenzy of insane white trashery as the Faggotron displays a picture of the island fortress! In the corner of the screen appears a picture within a picture square containing the face of FTUW commissioner James Brock McHarris!

McHarris: GREETINGS, FTUW FANS!

An explosive reception from the fans!

McHarris: I sincerely hope you’ve enjoyed FTUW: Riki Oh 2 up to this point. However…from here on I intend to open your eyes to levels of entertainment you haven’t seen before!

The roar of the crowd is deafening as to McHarris’ side the rest of the screen shows Theldorrin being transported from the helicopter to the inside of the prison through an elevator that rises out of a pool of lava.

McHarris: As you can see this is a specialty match for the most coveted prize in all of sports entertainment…ney, the greatest prize on this earth…THE FTUW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP!!!

On the other side of the island Hard’Rok’s holding cell is being moved into a steel hatch doorway guarded by rabid elephants who are momentarily being held at bay with electric prods. McHarris continues his monologue.

McHarris: Now, the objective of this match…is to escape. To escape Statesville Ultimaximum Security prison the combatant will need both halves of a certain key. The two halves are hidden separately somewhere within the facility. But don’t worry, they’re certainly not the only things skulking through the shadows. Hahaha well I won’t bore you any further. The rest is rather self explanatory! So enjoy!

The box with McHarris’ head disappears and the full screen is devoted to Theldorrin XIV’s cell being moved through a dark corridor. The screen splits to show that the same is happening with Hard’Rok’s cell. At the bottom right corner of the screen a map pops up with blinking indicators of both Theldorrin and Hard’Rok’s positions. Finally they reach what seems to be the deepest area of the facility. All the men let out a heave of effort trying to lift the cell up a small flight of stairs. Despite their combat suit’s 500% increase in muscle power it is still barely possible.

Guard: RRGH Gah. Come on guys, let’s drop this asshole off and get the hell out of here. I wanna get home to my daughter’s recital.

*His face is scrunched up in effort with trying to lift the cell. Suddenly the cell seems to lift without nearly so much effort!

Guard: Ah, hey that wasn’t so bad huh guys?

The guard turns to see Theldorrin XIV standing towering over him and easily holding the cell up.

Theldorrin XIV: Indeed

The other guards are dead strewn along the floor their joints twisted like they were held together by toothpicks and compound fractures jutting out of every orifice. The guard’s face turns white as he pulls out his gun and points it at Theldorrin. Theldorrin uses his fingers in a “scissors” like fashion and effortlessly clamps the barrel of the gun shut. The guard can only stutter in horror as Theldorrin gently places a hand on the guard’s cheek. Seemingly exerting no additional effort Theldorrin closes his hand and scoops out most of the guy’s face. On Hard’Rok’s side his cell lies in ruins and all the guards transporting him are now zombies wandering aimlessly.

JR: Not since Last House on the Left has there been a match anything like this.

Warrior: So where did they put all the prisoners that are normally there?

Hard’Rok walks through the endless corridors of jail cells. The flickering lights accompanied by echoed screams in the distance.
Austin: You know, I played a prison guard in the remake of “The Longest Yard.”

Warrior: I had a comicbook written about ME!

JR: I released my own brand of Barbeque sauce…

Hard’Rok finds the source of the noise. A huge group of the world’s toughest most notorious prisoners have captured some guards during the transfer and are executing them one by one in the electric chair. A guy rippling with muscles and standing over 9 feet tall easily holds one of the guards and tears off his combat armor!

Guard: N-NOOOO PLEASE!

Prisoners: Hahahah more bacon!

The gigantic man kicks the guard in the chest and pins him against the chair while two other prisoners secure his wrists and ankles.

Hugo: Any last woids?

Guard: PLEASE DON’T! I Don’t Want to DEEEEEIIIIIAAAHHHH

His sentence is cut off by wormy eddy pulling the switch. The guard convulses and sizzles as thousands of volts tear through every nerve in his body. As no blindfold or mouthpiece was used for this impromptu execution the guard vomits up what seems like gallons of boiling hot blood and his eyeballs burst in their sockets, white ooze running down his face.

Wormy Eddy: HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE!!

All the prisoners are laughing and don’t notice the purple smoke seeping through every crack and crevice. Hugo looks down and sees Hard’Rok.

Hugo: Hey Yous! What’s wit da getup? Dis ain’t Halloween town fruit!

Hard’Rok: I’m looking for a key. Have any of you seen or heard of it?

Scuz: Hehehe I got a key for ya. Right here!

Scuz grabs his crotch laughing. The purple mist surrounds him. Scuz slowly stops laughing as he realizes that he can’t seem to let go of his balls. His grip tightens.

Scuz: HEY! WHAT IS THIS SHIT!?

Scuz screams in agony as his balls are slowly crushed into jelly by his own unwilling hand! The hand still grips tighter are Scuz screams with tears in his eyes. He wimpers one last plee to god before his entire arm completely rips his dick and ballsack off! His last moments of absolute agony before death by blood loss are met with shocked silence from his fellow prisoners. They are covered in the gushing blood of his crotch.

Hugo: HOLEE SHIT!!

Hard’Rok: The Key! I won’t ask again!

Hugo: You BASTAAAAD!!!

Hugo throws a punch at Hard’Rok with all his might. It is blocked with a single finger. A second after the block Hugo’s entire forearm explodes into splintered bones and flesh.

Hugo: AAAAIIIIIIEEEEGGHHHHH!!!

Hugo screams like a girl. Hard’Rok jumps into the air and kicks his head off silencing him once and for all. Hard’Rok grabs Wormy eddy by the throat and lifts him off his feet to eye level. Hard’Rok only has to stare into his eyes before wormy eddy starts blubbering like a baby.

Wormy Eddy: I-I-think I saw where they hid it….but…but I dunno…I don’t remember where it was!

Hard’Rok: It’s alright…(he places his thumbs against wormy eddies temple.) I’ll remember for you…

Hard’Rok digs his thumbs into wormy eddies brain and sucks the information he needs out. Done with the fool Hard’Rok tosses him aside, dead.

JR: My god, this is totally unnecessary.

Warrior: At least that’s a few million less tax dollars we have to pay to put these people up every year.

Meanwhile Theldorrin is fighting giant robot Dobermans when he notices something dangling on the collar of the biggest one of them all. Theldorrin activates his rocket boots and launches himself at the lead Doberman but the Doberman catches him in its massive jaws and swings him from side to side like a chew toy. As he is swung back and forth Theldorrin grabs onto a steel girder and holds on tight. The dog pulls against him but can’t seem to budge him or the girder. Holding onto the support with his hands Theldorrin throws the dog against the wall with his legs. The Doberman whines and releases Theldorrin from his powerful jaws but Theldorrin grabs the lower jaw with his hands. With a powerful swing he throws the leader into the rest of the robodobermans bowling them over. Before the leader can even get back to its feet Theldorrin crashes down onto him and drives his entire arm into the automodog’s forehead. He pulls his arm out and with it the CPU. All of the robodobermen fall over deactivated as they were linked with the leader. Theldorrin inspects the object on the dog’s collar and smiles.

JR: Well I’m sorry for the lack of commentary folks. I know it seems like somebody just forgot to have us talk but we were really just speechless.

Warrior: Yeah.

Austin: …

A side door opens and out steps an enormous man who’s height is only surpassed by his girth.

Theldorrin: Fancy Lala?! No, wait…no

Some guy with a bandage over one of his eyes runs up to the fat guy and stands at his side.

Guy: Go get him zorro! I’m betting on you!!

Zorro runs at Theldorrin who runs at Zorro in slow motion. He punches into Zorro’s stomach and when he pulls his fist out a ton of blood dumps onto the floor. Zorro makes some bizarre sounds as he stumbles backwards and falls on his ass blood and guts spilling everywhere. He finally collapses onto his back and dies. The guy with the eyepatch runs away from Theldorrin but he is intercepted by another fist that flies into his stomach. The camera cuts to behind him which looks like it’s made of plaster and all these blood and guts shoot out of his back indicating that the punch went straight through his torso.

Gayest cop ever: He’s a killer!

There stands Hard’Rok finally face to face with Theldorrin XIV!! Theldorrin notices that Hard’Rok has the other half of the key. An observation that Hard’Rok has made as well.

Theldorrin: So, we meet at last Hard’Rok. I’d like to say it’s an honor to meet one of the few to bring Handsomus to his knees but fuck that.

Hard’Rok: It does not concern me if my opponent is alive or dead. Or if he has thoughts within his head. I just see you standing there…and why should I even care? Because I WANT THE TITLE BITCH!

The two super titans launch at each other both punching at once and colliding fists! A shockwave tears the ground and walls apart spraying shattered stone in all directions!!

JR: WHOAH BAH GAWD!! The first punch alone nearly took down the damn prison!

Austin: Not likely. That entire prison is lined with solid Adamantium-Richonium alloy frames. Even these guys won’t be able to get out unless they have that key.

JR: Wait, how do you know this?

AUSTIN: SHUT YOUR FAT FUCKIN FACE!!

Theldorrin stomps the ground hard causing a shockwave which catches Hard’Rok by surprise! Theldorrin takes this opportunity to land a punch that is assisted by his newly installed elbow thruster rockets. Hard’Rok flies backwards but slams his feet down and skids to a stop. The ground underneath him torn apart. Theldorrin charges forward and throws a powerful kick at Hard’Rok’s head. However Hard’Rok ducks and the kick merely hits his cloak. The cloak seems to wrap around Theldorrin’s leg like a vine entangling a tree. Hard’Rok dashes between Theldorrin’s legs grabbing them in the process and does a backflip while still holding on! Hard’Rok lands on Theldorrin’s lowerback forcing him face first into the ground and holds the legs under his arms!

JR: Wait a minute…that’s a BOSTON CRAB…By GoD! I never thought I’d see an actual wrestling move again!

Hard’Rok leans back putting tremendous pressure onto Theldorrin’s back. The cracking of internal components in Theldorrin’s spine can be heard! Suddenly Theldorrin’s torso spins around on his waste so that he is now facing Hard’Rok’s back! Theldorrin’s enormously powerful metal arms clamp around Hard’Rok’s throat applying the sleeper hold! Hard’Rok Cackles trying to breath! He has no choice! Hard’Rok phases into smoke to escape the chokehold. However in doing so he is unable to hold onto Theldorrin who easily escapes!!!

JR: Such a technical display! I thought everything would just be explosions in this match.

Austin: I’ll explode yer mamma’s asshole in her goddamn grave, you chubby pile of vomit!

JR: …that was uncalled for…

Theldorrin rushes forward and throws a spinning heal kick which is blocked by Hard’Rok. Immediately his torso spins and throws a backhand which is also blocked by Hard’Rok’s free arm! Theldorrin’s leg spins 360 degrees into an overhead Axe kick! Hard’Rok throws both his arms, crossed, over his head to block! Theldorrin’s hand disconnects at the wrist and fires forward powered by a rocket! It hurdles straight towards Hard’Rok’s unprotected stomach!! Hard’Rok uses one hand to parry the the rocket punch and the other to counterattack! He strikes Theldorrin hard in the face sending him crashing backwards!!

Warrior: Holy shit, he tagged him!
Theldorrin sits up. His face plate has been cracked and some of the inner mechanics of his head can be seen. He laughs. Hard’Rok is surprised until the realization dawns on him. He checks his belt and sees that his half of the key is gone! He looks up to see Theldorrin’s had reattaching and that it has brought him the item of his escape! Theldorrin combines the two halves which fuse into one key! In a blinding flash Theldorrin is gone and racing down the hall. Hard’Rok flying after him as fast as he can. Theldorrin uses the walls to travel at high speed in a zig zag pattern with Hard’Rok hot on his heels! Theldorrin looks up and sees the door he’s been looking for! Leaping at the door Theldorrin slams the key into its keyhole! The door makes a deafening thud releasing its super reinforced locks and the door opens just as Hard’Rok tackles Theldorrin from behind!

Warrior: He did it! Theldorrin’s out!

JR: Well, not quite! He still has to get off that island. It may seem simple because they can both fly….

Neither man has a chance to fly as they roll through the mud under the pelting rain! Hard’Rok punches Theldorrin where his Kidneys should be repeatedly each time a more sickening thud than the last. A huge dent Is being pushed into Theldorrin as his pain receptors spasm out of control. Theldorrin rears back his head and blasts it forward! A rocket was installed in the back of his head just for this occasion! A monsterous headbutt crashes into Hard’Rok’s face splitting his forehead open!

JR: Wow, Theldorrin with the headbutt! I guess he took a little something from his last fight!

Warrior: Peh. As if anybody ever learned anything from an asian.

Theldorrin punches Hard’Rok in the side of the face knocking him off. Theldorrin struggles to get to his feet but finds it difficult in the quicksand like mud. He drags himself towards the edge of the cliff with his fingers. Then into Theldorrin’s lower back an enormous knee from hard’rok that connects at the instant a bolt of lightning illuminates the sky! Hard’Rok smashes his elbows over and over into the center of Theldorrin’s lower back!

JR: This is a method that has proved effective against the seemingly invincible Theldorrin! Find a spot and work on it!

Theldorrin is now enraged with frustration at the relentless attacks of Hard’Rok! He forces himself to his knees and the palms of his hands! Along his forearms and thighs small compartments open revealing thrusters! Hard’Rok pulls his arm back to deliver another strike that would sever a normal man’s spine like it were uncooked spaghetti but at that tiny moment of reprieve Theldorrin fires his blasters at FULL POWER! His body sails backwards almost engulfed in the flames of his jets! He crashes backwards into Hard’Rok and boosts his rockets yet again! They smash into the side of the prison with such force that even the Adamantium-Richonium alloy bars are badly damaged! The two fall nearly unconscious to the ground. Hard’Rok is the first to make a move. Theldorrin crawls forward barely able to move his own body weight but slowly mushing ahead through the mud. Hard’Rok gets to his feet and steadies himself obviously badly injured but still able to function.

Hard’Rok: That’s…what…I was waiting for….that blast…

Theldorrin looks up at his opponent quizzically.

Hard’Rok: You used up all your fuel…right?

Theldorrin’s eyes widen realizing too late what Hard’Rok was trying to do! He looks to his side and sees that his reserve fuel tank has been ruptured and has emptied itself among the pouring rain.

Hard’Rok levitates off the ground and smiles at his assured victory!

Hard’Rok: Farewell Theldorrin. Where Handsomus failed I’ve succeeded. The FTUW is only the first step.

Hard’Rok takes off obviously injured as he can’t fly very fast and struggling against the powerful winds of the storm. Theldorrin’s anger heats his body hundreds of degrees. The rain turns to steam as it touches him. Theldorrin looks up into the storming clouds and Fires a single steel cable straight upward as far as he can! Hard’Rok doesn’t even have to dodge the feeble last ditch effort as he continues to fly away. A bolt of lighting strikes through the air behind him to send him off. Through the powerful winds Hard’Rok can barely hear anything but he distinctly hears the sound of crumbling rocks.

Hard’Rok: Hmmmph…did it collapse after all?

Hard’Rok looks back just in time to see the island hurdling towards him! The entire Top of the island crashes against him and brings him down to the ocean below!

JR: BAH GAWD! BAH GAWD IT AIN’T POSSIBLE!!

In an instant replay Theldorrin is shown firing off his harpoon. Though it comes nowhere near Hard’Rok it does come close enough to attract a bolt of pure electricity which courses through Theldorrin’s body. He glows with power as he smashes his hands into the ground. Every joint and hydrolic. Ever piston and fiberoptic warps and distends as the entire TOP OF THE ISLAND is ripped off with the prison and all! He lets out a mighty warcry as he lifts the astronomically oversized object over his head and hurls the entire fucking thing at HARD’ROK!!

The replay goes back to live footage and it shows Theldorrin dragging himself with the last of his energy over the edge of the remaining island. His smoldering metal body falls leaving a trail of steam to the ocean below. As Theldorrin hits the water the bell rings! McHarris’ face appears in the upper right hand side of the screen!!

McHarris: It’s over! It’s over! We have a winner!

The audience listens silently.

McHarris: The winner……and STILL…CHAMPION

Half the audience explodes into cheers as the other boos furiously

McHarris: THELDORRIN XIV!!

JR: What? But didn’t Hard’Rok get off the island first?

Warrior: (listening to something on his headset.) I’m getting word, JR…Apparently technically Hard’Rok didn’t leave the island since it went with him when Theldorrin threw it at him! However when Theldorrin hit the ocean that counted as getting “off the island!”

JR: Bah GAWD what a match! WHAT A MATCH!

Backstage there is an uproar between the wrestlers over the results of the match!

Sella Phayne: NIGGA THIS IS BUUUULSHIIT!

Saketumi: Theldorrin…winnah…I make him….roosah!

Ant King: BITCH I GOT THE NEXT SHOT AT THIS FINE ASS BELT!

Romeo Krystal: The FUCK you do!

All the wrestlers start exchanging blows back stage! Daniels and Saketumi crash through the wall fighting! Sella Phayne and Puff Ryder fall from the rafters punching each other in mid-air with Macho Man sailing after them! Goldman cowers behind some trashcans as Masterson and Bin Destruction (who has reformed from the sand) hurl punches at each other! From under the apron of the ring Guan Fei and Moloch Arschloch exchange punches!

JR: HOLY HELL! THE ENTIRE DAMN FTUW IS HAVING A DAMN BATTLE ROYAL OVER THIS OUTCOME!!

Warrior: FUCK!!(!)

Austin: If you’ll excuse me gentlemen,

JR and Warrior look up to Austin who’s taking off his headset and standing up.

Austin: I never turn down an ass stompin!

Austin jumps into the ring and so does Warrior and JR! McHarris parachutes into the fray and starts punching in all directions. Todd and Brian Lightning run out to the ring with baseball bats and jump in! The spirit of Handsomus R. Awesome inhabits a 5 year old boy who jumps the railing and goes into the carnage! Eddy Guerrero shows up dismissing rumors of his death and starts fighting! Everyone in the arena fights each other whether they be family members or complete strangers!!!!!!

JR crawls out from flying chairs and fists and gets to his headset!

JR: THANK YOU FOR JOINING US LADIES AND GENTLEMAN! FTUW: RAW INTENSITY IN STORES NOW!!! FUUUUUCKKKKK!!!

The FTUW logo appears in the bottom corner of the screen as the screen fades to black.
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