FTU
Dragon Ball Z Uncensored
The only place on the World Wide Web where you can hang out with Chris Psaros-san, the coolest webmaster this side of Namek!
 
  FAQFAQ   SearchSearch   MemberlistMemberlist   UsergroupsUsergroups   RegisterRegister 
 ProfileProfile   Log in to check your private messagesLog in to check your private messages   Log inLog in 

FTUW'S ROCK 'N' ROLL ANARCHY: POWERBOMB MURDER HOUSE (#7)

 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    Dragon Ball Z Uncensored Forum Index -> Standard DBZ Fan Fiction
           Author           Message
Ryoko's Biatch
Joined: 04 Jan 2007
Posts: 9255
(Mon Feb 12, 2007 4:03 pm)
Reply

Post     FTUW'S ROCK 'N' ROLL ANARCHY: POWERBOMB MURDER HOUSE (#7)

The screen is black. In the background, the sound of a heartbeat grows louder and louder. A guitar begins to squeal violently as the letters "F T U W" grow from a single white dot in the center of the screen. AS THE GUITAR'S SQUEAL REACHES ITS BREAKING POINT, THE LETTERS VIBRATE VIOLENTLY UNTIL THEY EXPLODE. The song is "Arcane Death Explosion" by Viscerape. The lead singer, Leitch, belts out a MONSTROUS GROAN in tune to footage of Ryakku Saketumi unleashing a war cry.

#Graaaaaaaaaahh!!#

Handsomus and Theldorrin XIII trade blows in the center of the ring. Sella Phayne slaps his chest, mouthing off while pointing his 9mm at the camera. A shot of the Jack Masterson getting impaled in the face is followed by Puff Ryder FIRING OFF HIS EXTENDED BONG into Phayne's pick-up.

#COME-ON-COME-ON-COME-ON-COME-OOONNNRAAARGH!#

Baron Hoity von Toity DROPS AN ELBOW ONTO SAKETUMI'S SKULL. Masterson hurls a hatchet that flies into the mouth of the Minister of Beards, Guan Fei. Ooka Jooka flies HIGH ABOVE THE ARENA, his dick trailing behind him. Handsomus and Theldorrin clash CHARIOTS AT HIGH SPEEDS. Jonesie slashes off the many arms of Norman Bald-win, spewing forth decayed ooze and dried blood. Fancy Lala rolls around on the floor, shitting his pants, before the footage switches over to Kuroda plucking out Jonesie's eyeball with his toes.

#The RAAAAAPE! THE MURDAAAAAH! THE RAPE AND THE MURDDAAH MURDER RAAAPE!#

Romeo Krystal shoves a POLE UP QUEERBASHER'S ASS. The giant hand of Apathetic Arschloch's DAD CRUSHES HIM INTO EL TIGRE! Saketumi and Jack Daniels HEADBUTT EACH OTHER OVER AND OVER, CAUSING THE GROUND AT THEIR FEET TO CRACK! Theldorrin XIV hovers above FUCK MOUNTAIN, wielding a massive MOLTEN BOULDER. Bin Destruction CRASHES DOWN FROM OUTER SPACE and collides into Puff Ryder's chest. Handsomus soars into the sky on his guitar until he can no longer be seen. The music reaches it CRESCENDO and the FTUW logo BURSTS THROUGH A BRICK WALL, spurting blood from the hole for some reason. The screen fades to black.

FTUW Entertainment 2006. All Rights Reserved.

The screen fades into a scene of a man sitting on a wooden chair in the middle of a dark room, a spotlight cast onto him. The man and the surrounding area are immediately recognizable as CG in the style of mid-90's 3-D graphics. His head darts to the camera in FEAR as loud FOOTSTEPS ECHO THROUGH THE ROOM. In tune to the steps, the camera BEGINS TO LUMBER towards the man. He stands up, poorly animated, and raises his arms ABOVE HIS HEAD. SUDDENLY, TWO MASSIVE, SCARRED, BLOODY ARMS appear from under the camera much like a 1st-person shooter, GRABBING THE HELPLESS MAN AND PUTTING HIM INTO THE POWERBOMB POSITION. The man begins screaming a stock horror scream while the BEAST-MAN GRUNTS AND SQUEALS. Like a rollercoaster, WE WATCH THE MAN SQUIRM IN TERROR, the camera fixated on him, as the MONSTER BEGINS CHARGING THROUGH THE AREA WITH THE MAN STRADDLED ON HIS UNSEEN FACE. They crash through a brick wall and enter long hallway briefly before crashing through a wooden door. As he charges quickly, one can catch men in BLACK HOODS sawing apart bodies and ENACTING HORRIBLE VIOLENCE onto helpless victims in the background. Blood sprays onto the screen, the soon-to-be-powerbombed MAN SOBBING NOW as the MONSTER MOVES LIKE A BULL, still unseen, exploding through walls at break-neck speed. THEY REACH A WINDOW and THE BEAST hurls him through the glass. THE CAMERA LEAVES THE POINT-OF-VIEW OF THE MONSTER AND FOLLOWS THE MAN TEN STORIES DOWN, STILL SCREAMING, before HE EXPLODES ONTO THE PAVEMENT BELOW. A shadow grows over the chunks left of the man. A tall, black-clad figure stands in the upper corner of the screen. He pushes away the chunks of the body with a mop diligently. The left-over viscera and blood forms the words "ROCK 'N' ROLL ANARCHY: POWERBOMB MURDER HOUSE."

J.R.: Ladies and Gentleman, welcome to FTUW'S ROCK 'N' ROLL ANARCHY: POWERBOMB MURDER HOUSE!

The camera pans over the feverish crowd, RAPT in the middle of a "SAH-KAH-TOO-MEE" chant. As the camera gets closer, fans wearing PHAYNE 420 jerseys and JACK DANIELS T-SHIRTS, shaking foam middle fingers wrapped in foam barbed wire (it makes it more hardcore). Soon the crowd switches from their Saketumi chant to a "FUCK THELDORRIN" chant.

J.R.: Hello folks, this is Jim Ross along with my broadcasting partner, Warrior Warrior, and we got a helluva' show for you tonight!

W.W.: That's right, J.R. Tonight, in the main event, we have Theldorrin XIV defending the FTUW Championship against "The Burning Wolf" Ryakku Saketumi!

J.R.: It's going to be hellacious, for sure. But that's not all, Hard'Rok, Puff Ryder, and Bin Destruction are going to tangle in a TRIPLE THREAT CELL IN THE HELL MATCH! I don't even know what that is but I'm excited.

W.W.: They'll be fighting for the newly-created Non-American title. I was in the brainstorming session when coming up with the name for that title. Obviously, if the FTUW Championship represented the best of the best, I proposed that the 2nd-best title couldn't be associated with America in any way.

J.R.: This is shaping up to be a good ol' fashioned slobberknocker! But before we get things started, let's introduce our special guest commentator for the night. Not only is he no stranger to the squared circle but he was once one of FTUW's elite! Here he is, Baron Hoity von Toity!

A chorus of boos accompany Hoity von Toity as he strides towards the announcing booth. Decorated in lavish silk robes, bejeweled with numerous precious stones, he shakes hands with J.R. and Warrior Warrior before taking a seat.

H.v.T.: Ah, it's fantastic to be here! The dank air of the arena mixing with the fragrance of adrenalin and testerone, wafting into nasal passages. It smells like nostalgia! Greetings again, J.R., and it's a pleasure to make your acquaintance, Mr. Warrior Warrior.

W.W.: The same.

J.R.: Now that the formalities are done with, let's not waste another second and head to our first match, Jack "The Hatchet" Masterson vs. Bitmask!

J.R.: Folks, the next match is a bout between newcomer Jack “The Hatchet” Masterson and the return match of Bitmask. You may remember that Bitmask was fired by Commissioner James Brock McHarris for being an inept piece of shit that couldn’t even beat Fancy Lala. However, rumor has it that a benefactor fronted the money that the FTUW would undoubtedly lose in PPV buys by having Bitmask’s name on the card.

W.W.: I’m going to take this time to confront the rumors that I, Warrior Warrior a.k.a. the Ultimate Warrior, am dead. I’m alive.

J.R.: Right. Anyway, Brian Lightning is in the ring, ready to announce our combatants.

Lightning: Ladies and gentleman, our first match of tonight is a singles match set for fifteen minutes. Coming to the ring first from Atlantic City and weighing in at 285 pounds … Jack “THE HATCHET” Maaaastersoooon!

A bloated, pale looking fan sitting in the front row begins to convulse before ultimately exploding in a geyser of blood and meat chunks. As expected, Masterson emerges from the shredded corpse and hops over the guard rail, dual hatchets in hand. He slides into the ring, leaving the first blood stain of the night (BUT SURELY NOT THE LAST) on the mat. The referee demands that Jack gives the hatchets to him. Jack, in an uncharacteristic move, hands over the weapons and the referee passes them off to the timekeeper.

Lighting: And his opponent, making his return debut .... Biiiitmaaaask!

Bitmask travels down to the ring at a brisk pace, riding his Segway. He steps off the vehicle as he reaches the ring, dusting off his athletic pants and his hooded sweatshirt, purchased specifically for this match. He ascends the ring steps slowly and with a confident smirk on his face. Hatchet stares at him, unmoving, blood dripping down from his bald head and across his tattooed back.

W.W.: I’m going to say this one will over in under a minute.

“Mr. Masterson …” Bitmask says with a smug grin on his face as he adjusts his glasses, “I’ve evaluated every possible scenario in this match and with this knowledge, I’ve deduced that there’s a %2.4 chance that you can beat me.

J.R.: What the hell is he talking about?

H.v.T.: Ah, a tactician! Someone after my own heart.

“To save us both the time and effort, please lay down so I may pin you and minimalize your embarrassment,” he softly chuckles.

Masterson doesn’t heed his words but instead takes a step forward.

“Oh! According to my data,” Bitmask removes a sleek, black device from his pocket and begins furiously tabbing at the screen with a stylus, “your chance of defeating me has dropped %.2!”

J.R.: Is he joking? What’s going on here?

Masterson is unfazed. He continues forward as Bitmask looks delighted, intensely thumbing through a wealth of information, solving complex formulas using his technologically enhanced brain.

“You’re a fucking idiot, you know that?” he laughs, adjusting his glasses. “The Hatchet” stands face to face with his opponent and throws a wild punch at Bitmask. Bitmask leans his head out of the way, still smirking.

H.v.T.: Ho! Quite agile!

“The Hatchet” furrows his brow and fires off a sharp knee. Bitmask leans forward, the knee not quite reaching Bitmask’s stomach. As Bitmask is bent over, Masterson uses the opportunity to DROP AN ELBOW ON HIS NECK. But Bitmask casually leans to the side, dodging the blow.

J.R.: It looks like Bitmask has been doing some training!

Bitmask throws a toe kick that catches Masterson off-guard, driving itself into his solar plexes. The attack isn’t very powerful but causes Jack to lean over regardless. Bitmask swiftly executes a DDT and hooks the leg.

OOONE! TW-Kickout!

Bitmask hops to his feet, followed quickly behind by Masterson who is somewhat angry.

“Are you not even listening? I’ve proved my superiority,” Bitmask smiles, “My brain has been re-routed for maximum efficiency. The human body’s design is fundamentally flawed. With the reworked nervous system, the electrical signals connecting my mind to my body have been shortened, increasing my reaction time!”

Masterson fires off a SHUFFLE SIDE KICK that Bitmask easily dodges. As the leg is outstretched, Bitmask clenches the foot with his hands and unleashes a Dragon Screw!

“Not only that, I’ve enhanced my eyes to see more than 30 frames per second,” he says, taking off his glasses, “Right now it’s between 122-125 fps.”

Masterson climbs back to his feet as Bitmask circles him. Masterson, in desperation, unleashes a massive uppercut. Bitmask sees the fist sail softly towards him in slow-motion. He leans backwards to dodge the “slow-moving” blow. As the fist begins to reach its apex, it TAPS BITMASK’S JAW EVER SO SLIGHTLY, his skull unable to move completely out of the way. Bitmask’s brain shakes inside his skull and Bitmask collapses to the mat!

J.R.: And Masterson connects his first hit of the night!

W.W.: It doesn’t seem all that bullshit Bitmask was spouting was true.

H.v.T.: On the contrary! I worked very closely with Mr. Bitmask and he did have great interest in the field of cybernetic enhancements. However, he forgot to realize one very important thing: It doesn’t matter how fast your brain is if your body can’t keep up!

Bitmask is trying to make his way to his feet, sweating profusely and muttering curse words along with “ridiculous!” over and over. As he reaches a standing position, he falls again.

J.R.: Masterson has rocked his brain! He can’t stand!

“Ridiculous! This is ridiculous!” Bitmask shouts, struggling to roll out of the ring. Bitmask falls into a heap on the outside, still not quite regaining control of his body, as Masterson stands inside the ring.

W.W.: Where the hell is he going?

The referee begins the 10 count as Bitmask struggles to walk his way up the ramp.

J.R.: It looks like he’s leaving!

As Bitmask ascends his way up the ramp, he turns around to spout off obscenities at his opponent. The count reaches five and Bitmask seems uncaring. As Bitmask turns again he bumps into a large, black object, causing him to fall down once again. He looks up to see a man dressed in a black robe wearing a brimmed hat. He sports a long black beard with long earlocks. The man, although his physical stature isn’t very impressive, seems somewhat gigantic compared to the cowering Bitmask.

“I didn’t go to all this trouble to fund your return for you to lose your match,” the man utters.

“G-Goldman!” Bitmask shouts.

J.R.: Who the hell is that? Goldman?

“I thought you’d come around to my side after realizing who it was that presented you with this gift,” he says stoically, “but no matter, I’m tired of playing around. You will use your knowledge of the internet to help me find the leaders of that anti-Semetic organization.”

“I’ll do nothing of the sort!” Bitmask shouts angrily, “I’m done with you, Goldman!”

“So the conspiracy has reached even you? Very well, then,” the man says an object slides out of the sleeve of his rabbi’s robe. He grips the golden staff and slams it onto the ground in front of Bitmask. The staff transforms into a long, GOLDEN MENORAH. Bitmask faces is rapt with horror as he realizes what’s going on.

“Being destroyed by your own technology,” Goldman laughs, “Prepare for … EIGHT DEADLY NIGHTS!”

Goldman AIMS THE MENORAH at Bitmask and SHOWERS HIM IN FLAMING LAMP OIL! Bitmask screams in agony as his skin is boiled on top of his skeleton.

J.R.: BAH GAWD! BAH GAWD! He killed him!

H.v.T.: Goldman … that name is familiar.

Goldman mutters something in Hebrew and begins to turn away until JACK “THE HATCHET” MASTERSON hurls a ONE OF HIS HATCHETS RIGHT AWAY THE JEW. Goldman deflects the Hatchet with his staff without turning around.

”If you want to face me, gentile, we will do it in the ring …” he says before exiting through the entrance. Masterson follows the man, picking up his hatchet on the way.

J.R.: Goldman? Is he a FTUW Superstar?

W.W.: It looks like it. And come next PPV, it seems they are going to be facing off in the squared circle.

Lightning: And your winner by count out, Jack “The Hatchet” Masterson!

J.R.: Well, I think I can safely say that everyone is happier now that Bitmask is dead. On to the next match!

Lightning: Coming first to the ring, hailing from A-Town, Georgia ... weighing in at 125 pounds ... Sella Phaaaynneee!

Sella Phayne comes out to a song off his own rap album while a chorus of boos greet him from the crowd. Phayne takes out his cell phone and seems to listen to something though how he can hear anything over the thunderous crowd is a mystery. Phayne walks over to the guardrail and nonchalantly passes a little baggie through the bars to some really skinny guy with huge eyeballs. A few bills are passed back to him which he quickly stuffs in his pocket before continuing his walk to the ring! Macho Man Randy Savage follows him shortly thereafter shivering and stopping once in a while to look at a crack in the floor. Sella Phayne gets into the ring and runs from one end to the other bouncing off the ropes and throwing punches at the air to warm up.

J.R.: Phayne lost his match less PPV against Ooka Jooka but that certainly hasn't dampened his spirits. In fact, he's vowed revenge on Ooka Jooka.

H.v.T.: Normally I'd say that he should focus on the match at hand but he's up against Apathetic Arschloch. It's really quite surprising that he isn't dead yet.

The music changes to dead silence followed by some guy reading “Apathetic Arschloch” in a halfhearted way. The crowd is silent, perhaps the crowd supporting A.A. by mimicking his trademark personality. Fans getting up to visit the concessions stand and purchase FTUW merchandise doesn't support this theory.

J.R.: I can't believe McHarris fired Bitmask over Arschloch.

W.W.: Well, he could turn invisible.

The backstage camera shows Arshloch groan as he forces himself to stand up from the couch he was relaxing on. Several stage hands point him in the right direction as Arschloch would likely never make it to the ring otherwise. He comes to the curtain entrance and tries to go through it but seems to get tangled up. After about a second of effort his lips seem to mouth out “Fuck it!” and he throws his hands in the air while turning to leave. Some backstage people stop him and plead with him while holding the curtain open so he can walk through. Arschloch rolls his eyes and trudges through the curtains and down the ramp. Fans scream for autographs but are naturally ignored. An egg flies out and hits Arschloch in the side of the head, the yoke running down his neck but he doesn’t seem to acknowledge it. Arschloch climbs into the ring by sort of sliding underneath the bottom rope like a snail.

J.R.: Thank God you can't un-buy a PPV!

The two face off as the bell rings to start the match! Arshloch leans back against the ropes and bounces forward, jogging out into the middle of the ring towards Sella Phayne with his arm extended at his side. Apparently he’s going for a clothesline. Sella Phayne easily dodges it by squatting slightly and then standing back up to turn around and watch Arschloch keep jogging until he comes into contact with the other rope. Arshloch drapes his arms over the top rope and looks at the arm he clotheslined with as if questioning how the ridiculous move missed. Sella Phayne looks out to Macho Man who doesn’t have much of a response beyond scratching at his beard. However, Phayne bounces around the ring, his high energy contrasting with Arschloch's no energy.

J.R.: Was that the first move Arschloch ever tried to execute?

Arshloch finally gets around to turning and facing Sella Phayne. Phayne whips off the t-shirt wrapped around his head before charging at his opponent. Arshloch starts to throw a punch but is met with a sharp kick in the face while his punch is still rearing back. Sella Phayne UNLOADS with a series of knife edge chops to Arshloch’s chest!

"Fuck you nigga fuck yo ass!" Phayne shouts while slapping the shit out of A.A.

Arschloch is reeling in the corner as Sella Phayne takes a step back then kicks Arschloch in the nuts! The entire crowd gives out an “OOOOHHHH!!!” feeling Arschloch’s pain since he can’t be bothered to do it himself.

"RAT-A-TAT-TAT NIGGAAAAA!!!" Phayne shouts, kissing the poker chip dangling on a chain around his neck.

Sella Phayne throws a series of punches at Arshloch like machine gun fire pummeling his indifferent opponent into a bloody swollen mess. Sella Phayne runs to the opposite side of the ring and comes charging at Arshloch with a drop kick directly in the face! Arschloch’s arms hook over the top ropes coincidentally keeping him on his feet. Phayne then rushes over to the referee, cornering while shouting obscenities, pointing at to nothing particular in the opposite direction of A.A. Right on cue, Macho Man slides into the ring.

H.v.T.: Is this even necessary?

Macho Man stands in the middle of the ring and violently snorts some white powder. Veins begin popping up on his ridiculously sized muscles, his spandex, red and yellow checkered vest ripping slightly.

"OOOOOOOOOHHHH YEAAAAAAAAAAH MOTHERFUCKAAAAAH!!" he screams, some blood oozing from his nostrils and some dripping from under his sunglasses.

Macho Man walks over to Arschloch who is trying to pull himself off the turnbuckles.

"You're goiiinnn' noooowherrree!" Macho Man says, flexing involuntarily.

Macho Man pushes him back into the turnbuckle and starts firing off vicious body blows, causing Arschloch to choke up some blood. Macho Man fucking BACKFLIPS for no reason after the combo, squatting down before CHARGING. He leaps into the AIR, ELBOW OUTSTRETCHED, and slams it RIGHT into A.A.'s teeth!

J.R.: Macho Man is now adding injury to the insult to wrestling, and entertainment in general, that is Apathetic Arschloch!

Macho Man struts around the ring, flexing, before sliding out. Phayne pushes away the referee as Arschloch spits out blood and teeth all over the canvas! With his jaw broken his mouth hanging opened wide, Sella Phayne throws his arms into the air holding in one hand his trademark little white pill! The crowd cheers at the prospect of this match ending! Sella Phayne throws the oxycodone into the air and on it’s way down does a spinning back kick that launches the pill into Arshloch’s mouth!

J.R.: Here's where I'd say "Open your eyes, ref!" but really, who gives a shit.

Arshloch coughs and grabs his throat as he falls to a sitting position at the turnbuckle. Sella Phayne looks ready to end it when he notices some shadowy figures standing in the crowd. Sella Phayne immediately says "BREAK THE FUCK OUT!" to Macho Man and jumps out of the ring, heading in the opposite direction of the mysterious figures. Phayne cuts through the crowd, firing off his gun in random directions as charges the fire exit. The crowd is unresponsive to the gun as they are well aware there's a 1/3rd chance they are going to die tonight anyway. The referee is counting out Phayne as Arschloch lays lifeless in the ring. The referee reaches ten and the bell is sounded, ending the ma

Lightning: And your winner ... Apathetic Arschloooch!!

H.v.T.: Well, that was unexpected.

After a few moments a rhythmic crash can be heard that shakes the arena as it gets closer. A gigantic hand grabs the underside of the FTUW entry ramp and Papa Arshloch comes forward. Papa Arschloch has to duck under the ramp which has a 15 foot clearing!! He plods to the ring reaching it in about 5 steps of his enormous stride. Arshloch looks up weakly, blood pouring from his mouth and his pupils dilated, at the figure of his father towering over him.

"Gehhkk *keckfI* you…to…help me?" Arschloch chokes out.

Papa Arshloch steps into the ring which barely supports his weight and stands directly over his son looking down upon him solemnly. He then turns around, drops trow and squeezes out a massive steaming dump on top of his son’s prone body. A.A. is completely buried in the omniturd as Papa Arshloch pulls up his pants, refastens his rope and stomps off.

J.R.: What a shitty match!

J.R.: Well, Warrior Warrior, Kuroda Saito vs. Bizarro Ooka Jooka. Give us your insights.

WW: People are going to be uncomfortable with this, but Kuroda Saito is a sick, degenerate queer. I don't care what the p/c crowd of liberal whiners have to say to me about this, I'm just being honest and truthful. Political correctness is never true. Never. Its sole purpose is to lie. And tolerating p/c in any debate is arguing without using your mind; like defending yourself in a fight without using your body. Now I can’t think (or decide to fight) for others, but as for me and the sake of my own flesh and blood, these are compromises I am not going to make. I’m just not. Uncomfortable or not.

Shocking people into outrage is not my goal -- having “truths” survive is. What people should be outraged about is that with each successive disappearance of a “truth,” the world our kids will be growing up in becomes more of a shocking and prejudiced fraud less and less capable of being rationally dealt with. That is my concern. My kids deserve that, don’t they? Don’t yours? Believe me, if you put your kid’s faces in your mind eyes, squashing p/c really becomes very pleasant. Soon, not a rat’s ass bit of concern will you give for those shocked or offended. Go ahead try it.

“Homosexual” and “gay” are nothing more than soft-porn p/c euphemisms created to vulgarly detour people from the truth. “But, Warrior, queer is offensive.” Offensive to who I would say? Queers? Give me a break. Even queers know queer is queer. Ask one, they will tell you: “A queer is going to be a queer (and be proud of it). Must be. Has to be. It’s out of our control.” Why, then, can’t queers be called what they themselves know they are? And what about how I am offended?

In the beginning queer was used for an exact, good reason. Because it should be: queer means “deviation from what is normal and expected; strange, odd.” And, surprise! queers deviate!! Oh, yes, they do. The little darlings do, do, do! For starters (like its not enough), they deviate from what is expected of their nature as human beings. That they do is strange, is odd. It was when the first “closet doors” slithered open, and just so happens to still be. Homosexual and gay are nothing but prophylactics covering up the deviancy of being queer. Homosexual(ity) is used to create an impression that it is a credible, since-the-beginning-of-time traditional mainstream majority on par with heterosexual(ity), instead of being seen the unscrupulous minuscule 1-2% minority of the population that it truly is. Gay connotes innocent fun and frolic and party favors instead of the dissolute pornographic filth and dinginess from which the “bug-chasing” majority of the minority spawned.

On an individual to individual public basis, going about my life day to day, I am indifferent to, and unbothered, by queers. I’ve no ill-will toward them, and have even known many who, aside from the anomalous fault of their queerness, seem decent, caring and dependable people. Frankly, I never would have been able to stand the environments of bodybuilding and sports entertainment if I’d had a problem, what with the persuasion of the California gym crowd, and the Patersons and Garvins et al roaming locker rooms sneaking peeks.

J.R.: Uh, wow. Baron Hoity von Toity, you haven't faced either --

WW: No, don’t do that... Don’t get ahead of me... I know you are, STOP. Really though, you want to downgrade the function and quality of your life being queer, go ahead, just don’t flaunt your homosexuality; keep it private around me and mine. Of the many queers I’ve met in my life, I’ve yet to meet one who was consistently happy, or without emotional discontent. Most are hysterics who, noncommittal and capricious, have personal lives rivaling train wrecks.

I just don’t buy that it’s built in. That there’s a queer gene. I believe more in the absolute fact that people are less leaders and thinkers for themselves than they are mindless followers, and are easily influenced and do become products (and prisoners) of their environments. Unfortunately, not all environments are positive (there is evil in the world) and some are highly destructive, especially when it matters most. When we are young and developing our sexuality, alongside figuring out our “self-esteem,” all influences are powerful and it is easy to be ill-influenced and misguided; fall in with the wrong crowd; take on dysfunctional and inappropriate behaviors. And you practice a wrong behavior long enough, it’s easy to believe it’s “right” and that you can’t or don’t know anything else. You believe it, and everyone around you -- the crowd you’ve surrounded yourself with -- convinces you of it, too. I believe queers are made, not born. That is the belief my life experiences have built, you build your own. And if you are queer, I don’t detest you outright or believe that God does or that He disowns you and on and on...it is just that what you are doing is wrong and doesn’t work AND...

Marriage is not for queers. I’m against it. I’m bothered by it.

Okay, Jim, go ahead.

J.R.: I really wasn't expecting that. So, Baron, uh, your thoughts?

Baron: I'm going to have to agree with the Ultimate Warrior on this one.

J.R.: ...

Todd Lightning stands in the middle of a ring without ropes. He puts the mic up to his mouth, gives the crowd a big smile, and announces, "Coming to the ring first, in this corner, all the way from Japan, 'THE KANTO DEVIL,' KURODA SAIIIITO!" The lights dim and Saito's shitty jap music plays, but no one can be seen coming through the entryway. Lightning looks around confused, shrugging in the direction of the PPV's director. Finally, the music stops, but the sepia lighting remains. Then the clanking of chains from the rafter is heard as Kuroda, sans shirt is lowered down, hooks going through the skin in his back, suspending him. He grins and rubs his crotch as he slowly reaches the ring. Two burly yakuza come up to pull the hooks out and Kuroda frowns, disappointed.
Todd Lightning tries to continue, "Jesus. Uh, and his opponent, part of the genetically altered stable of Dr. Daniel Mented, from the DNA of Ooka Jooka, BIZZZZZZARRO OOOOOOKA JOOOOOOOKA!" Jooka, in shackles, is led up to the ring by trained FTUW technicians. After they get him into the ring, he is set free, and a second set of technicians enter the arena to string up the barbed-wire ropes.

J.R.: That's right, folks, this is an old fashioned barbed-wire rope match!

WW: Indeed, J.R. I have to say I'm impressed with FTUW's refusal to cater to the p/c masses, too weak willed and immature to handle the kind of wholesome entertainment that FTUW strives to serve. It makes me proud to be an American in the employ of James Brock McHarris. At least as proud as I can be when the champ is a Chinese robot.

Baron: I believe that he is actually from Canada.

WW: No one cares and, if anything, that's worse. Just another bunch of p/c, atheist liberals.

Kuroda leans back into the ropes, laughing as the barbs dig into his skin. "Nyoo~! This should be fun." Ooka Jooka runs up and uppercuts Saito, who lands in the front rows.

J.R.: Dammit, the bell didn't even ring!

The bell rings and Kuroda shakes his head. He rubs his chin, looks at his fingers and frowns, "Feh, not even any blood." He rubs his penis on a man's face and jumps over the barrier back toward the ring. Just as he lands, Jooka axe handles him and kicks him back into the barrier. As Kuroda lies there, Jooka steps on his face and grunts unintelligibly.

"Oi oi, touch me lower." Jooka, unable to understand any of this, picks him up by the face and begins headbutting Kuroda. Blood runs down Kuroda's nose and he licks it up and winks. Thinking he's being mocked, Ooka Jooka throws Saito into the ring and he lands in the opposite ropes. Jooka then jumps after him, landing on Saito's legs, crushing them.

Kuroda manages to stand up, his knees bending inward, looks Ooka Jooka in the eyes, scrunches up his face and says, "Oi, you're not bad." Jooka, in response, grabs Kuroda's face and gouges his eyes. While his opponent is blinded, Ooka Jooka starts brutally punching Kuroda in the face, blood spattering everywhere, exaggerated by Kuroda's unnecessary flailing. Jooka then knees Kuroda in the stomach and Kuroda vomits up blood.

J.R.: How can a man willingly subject himself to this kind of punishment?

WW: It's a bit of a stretch to call that a man. Actually, either one of them.

Ooka Jooka kicks Saito onto his back and steps on his chest. Jooka pounds his own chest like a gorilla and proceeds to try pulling Saito's arms out of their sockets. Popping is heard and finally Kuroda gets a serious look on his face.

"I'm going to need my arms for Saketumi-kun," Kuroda says in Japanese. He waits for one more pop, grins and twists his arms inward and press the inside of Jooka's wrists. Jooka's hands fly open, letting Kuroda go. Kuroda kips to his feet and hits various points on Ooka Jooka's body with his finger tips. A moment passes and then Jooka punches himself in the chin, off of his feet. In anger, Jooka punches the canvas and leaps to his feet. He charges Kuroda, punching him in the face, causing Kuroda to spin in the air and fall on his neck. However, this doesn't slow down Jooka's momentum at fucking all! He keeps running and punches the shit out of the turnbuckle which breaks and flies into the crowd, sending the tightly bound barbed-wire FLYING ALL OVER THE FUCKING RING LIKE WHIPS, SLICING KURODA AND JOOKA.

J.R.: Holy shit! These fighters are going to need serious medical attention!

WW: If the liberals had their way, Saito would be getting medical benefits from his queer boyfriend. Despite what those in the mainstream media want you and your children to believe, queer marriage is just that, queer. Unacceptable. Wrong.

Ooka Jooka, ignoring the deep lacerations all over his body, looks at his fist, a shattered mess. Titanium sticks through the skin and exposed muscle, and tears well up in his eyes. He falls to his knees crying at the sight and the pain that accompanies it, bawling like a baby. Kuroda, stirred by this, rises to his feet and walks up to the albino behemoth, with a look of compassion. He crouches down and taps Ooka Jooka on the shoulder. "Hey ... Let's fight ... Come on ..."

Before Ooka Jooka can respond, a shotgun blast tears through the back of his head, ripping the skin from his titanium-coated skull. The blast also rips through Kuroda's shoulder and he falls out of the ring. SELLA PHAYNE AND THE GODDAMNED MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE COME FLYING OUT OF THE NOSE-BLEED SECTION IN A FUCKING PICK-UP TRUCK, GUNS BLAZING! THE TRUCK REVS UP AND DRIVES OVER FANS AND RAMPS UP INTO THE RING WITH BLOOD FLYING ALL OVER THE PLACE.

J.R.: Bah Gawd, what is the meaning of this?

Baron: I think this is because Sella Phayne is poor. That is why all of the poor were executed long ago in Richonia.

WW: What a fantastic country. Thanks for offering to fly me out there next weekend, Baron von Toity.

Baron: You seem like a very reasonable man and I would be glad to have you. For all of the interested viewers, although I doubt any of you could even hope to afford it, we are offering tours of the world's deepest, and still not fully tapped, platinum mine at only a slightly unreasonable price. The richonium mines are still off limits, however.

The truck lands on top of Ooka Jooka and Sella Phayne and the Macho Man leap out. Phayne fires the last shell in his shotgun at Jooka and then uses it as a bludgeon while Macho Man parades around scratching himself. Ooka Jooka regains his composure and lifts up the truck and prepares to throw it at Sella Phayne and the Macho Man when the Macho Man fucking kicks him in the sack and the truck falls back down on Jooka.

Sella Phayne grabs the microphone and begins his rant, "Yeah, bitches, this is what happens when you fuck with the S-E-double L to the A. The FTUW thinks it can hold me down? Fuck all that shit, I'm here to tell you muthafuckas that I'm out for that scrilla and the belt, y'all. Niggas tryin' to write me off as a joke, see if Ooka Jooka's laughin', bitch." With that he throws the mic into the crowd and shoots everyone the goddamned bird! Shit!

Kuroda gets up, looks at his shoulder and then the ring and shrugs to himself. "It can't be helped," he says as he walks back to the locker room. "Hey, you faggot! Come back here!" Sella Phayne yells when he sees this UNFORGIVABLE BULLSHIT.

Before Phayne can run after Kuroda, an army of Dick Jabronis run down the ramp! Sella asks, "Shit, Macho Man, what do we do?"

"I'm not even sure why I'm here anymore."

"I have a pound of coke with your name on it after the show."

"OH YEEEEEEEEEEAH!"

Macho Man pulls out a bullet of coke, snorts that shit and then picks up the barbed-wire, wrapping the ends around his fists. As the Jabronis get to ringside, Savage starts swinging the ropes, decapitating as many Jabronis as he can. Sella Phayne fires off 13 shots from his handgun into the air for no reason and then starts pistol whipping anyone within striking distance. Hundred of Jabronis fall to this assault and Macho Man begins to completely flip out. He pops a handful of Adderall and starts ripping Jabronis in half WITH HIS BARE HANDS.

Finally, all of the Dick Jabroni clones are lying dead and Sella Phayne and Macho Man are covered head to toe in blood. Macho Man's mouth foams and his eyes are huge and bloodshot, his sunglasses lost in the fray. Then rumbling from giant footsteps is heard coming from backstage. Sella Phayne is fucking pumped and grabs his dick.

Then a gigantic fat man ducks his head through the door and marches down the ramp. IT'S FUCKING BIZARRO FANCY LALA WITH A GIANT HAM IN HIS HAND! He rips a huge bite out of the ham and Dr. Daniel Mented stands up on Lala's shoulder. "You're very lucky I let you live last time, Mr. Phayne. I don't like taking lives. But you're disturbing my research and I can't allow that. Lala, kill them."

As Lala waddles to the ring, Sella Phayne says, "Fuck that," and pulls Macho Man into the pick-up and drives back out through the stands. He does eight donuts in the cheap seats, blood and body parts flying through the air, and throws out free samples of his skunkest weed with attached business cards.

J.R.: I honestly have no idea what just happened or why.

Ooka Jooka drags himself out from under the wrecked ring, his body a fucking mess, and smiles at his master, glad to have been saved from Sella Phayne and the goddamned Macho Man. He reaches out to Dr. Mented, who only recoils in return. "I'm sorry, Bizarro Ooka Jooka, but I can't accept this kind of failure. Goodbye." Mented pushes a button and turns around, Bizarro Fancy Lala picking him up and carrying him.

Bizarro Ooka Jooka's head explodes!

J.R.: No matter how many times I see men die in this ring, it never gets easier. Rest in peace, Bizarro Ooka Jooka. We'll miss you.

Baron: Whatever, next match.

The arena begins to shake and the surviving audience members begin to fucking panic like fucking I don't even know! People start running all over the place, fearing for the lives as the ringside seats begin to part. Soon and large circle is opened up and the ring falls through a hole because fuck taking that shit apart and moving it. Roman-style columns rise out of the floor at RIDICULOUS SPEED, impaling those unfortunate enough to be in the wrong place. Finally, things start taking the look of a roman coliseum when trained FTUW technicians arrive, spreading dirt over the arena floor.

A door opens up on floor level and JAMES BROCK MCHARRIS in full emperor regalia, surrounded by FTUW centurions, steps out and waves to the terrified crowd. The look of joy and confidence on Commissioner McHarris' face is enough to calm the fans who start retaking their seats and cheering. The centurions clear out a ringside booth, removing the intestines and body parts, and McHarris takes his seat. Topless chicks feed him grapes and fan him with giant feathers.

J.R.: What an entrance, Warrior! You have to admire his fearlessness in attempting new things for the sake of spectacle.

WW: Oh, I definitely agree. The deaths of a few meaningless morons and the crying of the liberals and the p/cers be damned, the Commissioner is bringing a hell of a show.

Baron: Indeed. Excuse me while I go take my rightful seat at the side of the Commissioner. It is only proper that a baron sits in the luxury box.

J.R.: We'll see you after the match, Baron. Well, with that, let's go to Todd Lightning who will introduce our competitors.

Todd Lightning, wearing a toga, steps out of a booth opposite to McHarris' holding a microphone, "Ladies and gentlement, the FTUW welcomes you all to THE GLADITORIUM! And our gladiators in this match ..."

A wooden door opens and Jonesie "The Merciless" exits, swinging a cutlass. On the opposite end another door opens and a magnificent beard is seen. Slowly, Guan Fei comes to the floor, turns and bows to Commissioner McHarris. Todd Lightning continues, "Jonesie 'The Merciless' and Guan Fei!"

J.R.: This is it, Warrior. Two men enter and only one leaves with their life. Just like the old days. Except this time both might end up alive, but you never know with our track record.

WW: This was back in the days before p/c when truth meant something. These fights are real, folks, no matter what your bleeding-heart may hope for. The Warrior is real and so is this fight.

Jonesie starts running from fifty yards away with his cutlass raised, yelling some kind of pirate shit. Guan Fei stands, unmoved, just staring at his opponent. His tiny slanted eyes focus in on his opponent. "Prepare ta die, ye lily-livered yella man!" Jonesie jabs his sword out for K'unt-smak's heart and within inches of meeting its target, Guan Fei leaps 20 feet into the air and brings Ride the Tiger straight down below him. While descending, his court poet composed the following poem;

"The bearded tiger fell with bared teeth
Upon the pirate, trembling underneath
No man or beast or bird that flies
Can evade Lord Guan Fei's eyes"

When the final brushstroke was made, Jonesie leaped back, his shirt shredded by the blade of Ride the Tiger. The giant pole arm was firmly embedded in the floor and Guan Fei stood on the end, laughing, "Ha! A man such as yourself is unworthy of the honor of bleeding on Ride the Tiger. With your single eye and hand, you seem to also have but half a heart!"

Jonesie swings his sword at Ride the Tiger to cut it in half, but before it makes contact, Guan Fei's foot pins it to the ground and the other kicks the bent Jonesie in the face. As Jonesie rolls from the incredible force of the blow, he hooks his hook hand into the earth below him, anchoring him to a stop. He pulls his arm back quickly and the hook is removed from the stump.

"Yarg, I say, there'll be no more insultin' me and no more of yer fancy footwork neither," Jonesie says and then pulls a string at his elbow, "Say hello to me father when ye get ta hell!"

A deafening explosion rings out through the coliseum and a shocked Guan Fei opens his eyes as wide as possible. IT'S A GODDAMNED CANNON IN HIS ARM! The cannon ball hits Guan Fei and a cloud of smoke bellows around him.

J.R.: Bah gawd, what in the hell was that?

WW: It seems Jonesie learned from his mistake in his match against the queer Kuroda Saito. It was his own harpoon that did him in, so he picked something that can't be turned on him.

Jonesie signals victory with his remaining hand raised to the sky, looking with satisfaction toward Commissioner McHarris and Baron Hoity von Toity. McHarris simply laughs and points at the cloud of smoke. Confused, Jonesie looks over, he was sure he had killed the chinaman. As the smoke begins to clear, a human form is visible. "It ain't possible!"

GUAN FEI EMERGES HOLDING JONESIE'S CUTLASS IN FRONT OF HIS CHEST, THE MIDDLE SEVERLY DEFORMED BY THE CANNON BALL!

J.R.: Unbelievable! Guan Fei was somehow able to recover Jonesie's blade in less than a second and with time to deflect the shot!

WW: What the shit?

Jonesie, in a state of shock, falls to his knees. The Baron, amused by the turnaround, whispers into the Commissioner's ear. Suddenly McHarris' face lights up and he raises his hand to signal to the trained FTUW technicians working the match. The technicians run to several trap doors around the arena and open them and FUCKING LIONS LEAP OUT.

J.R.: Those lions haven't been fed in days, so this looks to be turning into a real slobberknocker!

Jonesie jumps back to his feet and runs to the side of the arena pit. He tries to jump into the stands, but the centurions keep pushing him back in. Guan Fei laughs at his opponents fear and begins to uppercut the shit out of like five lions. Comically, a lion tears out the seat of Jonesie's pants to reveal boxers with hearts on them.

Guan Fei, riding a lion he tamed within seconds, rides over toward Jonesie and grabs him by the legs. After Guan Fei jumps off of the lion, he flings Jonesie into the ground, who lands on his face. The lions swarm around Jonesie's prone body and he starts crying like a little bitch. Guan Fei shoos the lions away by breaking one's neck and throwing its body in the crowd.

"You are pathetic, lying like a dog, pissing yourself. I will let you live with your shame," Guan Fei says as he puts his hand over Jonesie's chest for the pin. One - two - three. Jonesie is too freaked out to put up a struggle. Guan Fei stands up and his entourage of gaudily dressed chinamen and Wang Mei-Mei come out to escort him.

J.R.: Jonesie has been mentally and physically scarred the last few weeks. But congratulations to Guan Fei on the impressive win. He's moving up in the ranks quickly and is sure to be another FTUW Superstar.

WW: Jonesie should be ashamed of himself, humiliated by TWO crazy yellow bastards.

The Baron and Commissioner McHarris rub slabs of raw meat on their bodies and then jump out into the arena. McHarris removes his purple robe to reveal an exact replica of the armor that Commodus wore in Gladiator. McHarris grabs a lion and powerbombs him into the skull of another lion while Baron Hoity von Toity adjusts his mustache and starts punching lions in the face.

J.R.: Next match we are having a hellacious, literally, triple threat match to crown the first ever Non-American Champion! Puff Ryder wasn’t too happy last week when Bin Destruction executed a Lunar 9/11 into his chest during his shot at the title! Those two will work out any bad blood along with Hard’Rok, a man who’s held a tight grip on the throat of FTUW. He’s looking to get his first title and they will ALL WAGE WAR in the first ever CELL IN THE HELL match. I thought it was a typo at first but the reality seems much more terrifying than a Hell in the Cell match. Explain it away, Warrior.

W.W.: If you remember all the way back to the legendary Last House on the Left Match between Handsomus R. Awesome, Theldorrin XIII, Romeo Krystal, and Queerbasher, you’ll know that when the match ended the house collapsed into a bottomless pit. Commissioner McHarris was too savvy a businessman to let a piece of land go to waste. So he came up with a new match. A cell with a ring inside will be lowered into that pit, fashioned with spotlights and cameras. Our three competitors will do battle and the first to get a pin victory will be the first Non-American champion. For their sakes, they better get that pinfall before they reach the molten lava FTUW scientists suspect is at the bottom.

J.R.: I’m getting word that they are ready and the match is about to begin. Let’s switch over to the feed coming directly from Antartica!

Puff Ryder, Bin Destruction, and Hard’Rok are in the cage as the crane begins to lower it into the pit. They are surrounded by stone which is several hundred feet from the dangling cage. The bell rings and Bin Destruction wastes no time, lunging at the Cloaked Man who easily side steps the attack. Cloaked Man avoids a huge box cutter blade that extends from Destruction’s left arm.

J.R.: Although I doubt we could stop them, weapons are allowed in this match!

Puff Ryder is right there to grab Bin Destruction by the arm and put his feet to Bin Destruction’s stomach rolling backwards and performing a monkey flip. Bin Destruction bounces to the other side of the ring and Puff Ryder looks up just in time to see a pair of purple hands attached to scaly muscular arms wrap around his throat. Puff Ryder throws an oversized gold watch up in front of his face and grabs the chain holding off Cloaked Man’s powerful arms going for the sleeper. The two look up to see Bin Destruction doing a forward flip and hitting the ground with his box cutter arm and leg creating a cutting shockwave that tears up the canvas as it makes its way to the two vict

H.v.T.: I thought Hard’Rok was a sure bet as he was able to bring the mighty Handsomus to his knees. However, I must say I am impressed by Destruction and Young’s abilities.

They both separate and jump out of the way in opposite directions just as the shockwave passes, being stopped by the steel cage. Bin Destruction jumps up and grabs the roof of the cage with his real arm and appears to be doing some kind of spinning shuriken attack that flies around inside the cell. Cloaked Man and Puff Ryder dodge the huge attack until Puff Ryder runs up the wall of the cell and kicks off of it flying into the air, his trajectory meeting that of Bin Destruction and kicking the arab in the chest. Destruction hasn’t even reached halfway to the ground when Cloaked Man appears behind a mid-air Puff Ryder and locks his arms around PR’s waist!

“Look out man!” the smoky apparition of Ricky Williams shouts.

Cloaked Man and Puff Ryder spiral downward into the ring but at the moment of impact Puff Ryder is able to phase partially into smoke form lessening the damage that otherwise would have surely knocked him the fuck out.

J.R.: He turned into smoke?

Cloaked Man looks up searching for his escaped prey but is met in the face with a massive boot from Bin Destruction! Hard’Rok’s face is folded inward like silly puddy from the hellish blow and he sails backwards crashing hard into the steel cage. This rattles the entire cage and ring! Hard’Rok stands up obviously pissed off and Puff Ryder appears at Bin Destruction’s side. The two look at each other and nod before charging at Hard’Rok.

JR: They know how dangerous that man is and they’ve formed a momentary alliance in an attempt to take him out of this match!

W.W.: It’s no surprise that a pot-smoking-no-voting-degenerate-scum like Puff Ryder would team up with that terrorist-baby-killer-and-raper. It’s a scientific fact that marijuana is a gateway drug to global terrorism.

As they charge forward Puff Ryder moves in front of Bin Destruction and pulls out his trademark power bong.

Puff Ryder: Power Bong! EXTEND!!

The neck of the bong fires out towards Hard’Rok who stands still. Just before the bong touches his chest he grabs the neck and holds it steady effectively rocketing Puff Ryder backwards! But over Puff Ryder Bin Destruction leaps and runs along the top of the bong! Hard’Rok’s eyes widen slightly in surprise but he still seems relatively unconcerned. Bin Destruction leaps off the neck high into the air and stabs his box cutter arm downward, the blade firing out of its holster straight at Hard’Rok’s forehead! With a flick of his wrist Hard’Rok catches the blade between his index and middle fingers stopping it short from driving into his brain!

J.R.: Amazing! Hard’Rok is invincible!

W.W.: Thank God. He may not be from this planet but I’d rather him win the belt than those other two shitheads.

Bin Destruction lets out a laugh to Hard’Rok’s surprise as he looks down and notices the green smoke that has filled the bong. He has no time to react as out of the neck of the bong mere inches from Hard’Rok’s chest flies the fist of Puff Ryder! He nails Hard’Rok right in the sternum making the Space Valhallian’s eyes bulge out in pain! Bin Destruction comes down and puts box cutter arm over the blade he fired. It clicks back into place and Destruction Throws a kick with his box cutter leg that slashes a huge gash across Hard’Rok’s chest!

W.W.: Someone stop those assholes! This is a triple threat!

H.v.T.: There’s no rules against it.



“HAMMER OF ALLAHHHH!!!” Destruction bellows!

A semitransparent image of the Sphinx appears behind Bin Destruction as launches his attack!

“BLUNT OF DESTINYYY!!!!” shouts!

A semitransparent image of the Amazon jungle, only made of WEED, appears behind Puff Ryder!!

The shockwave of the attack makes the FTUW cameras black out for a few seconds. The crowd is in awe and doesn’t know what’s going on but the camera flickers with static to an image of the cage rocking back and forth with a noticeable hole in its side that is surrounded by broken bars bent outward!

W.W.: WHOA!! They knocked Hard’Rok right THROUGH the cage!!
Bin Destruction and Puff Ryder pant in exhaustion from performing their ultimate attacks and then look to each other raising their fists in fighting stance! Puff Ryder springs forward and twists his body while ducking and performing a magnificent leg sweep! Bin Destruction sees it coming however and jumps to avoid it! In mid-air Bin Destruction crosses his arms inward and then throws them straight out to his sides with a flash of blue light! Surrounding him now are 6 blue energy scimitars that orbit his body. Puff Ryder rolls backwards to avoid one slashing straight through him. It leaves a deep gash in the ring and continues to make more as the blades surround Bin Destruction!

J.R.: What the fuck?!

Destruction runs forward toward Puff Ryder and throws out his box cutter arm! Puff Ryder spins his body to the left just barely avoiding the blade. Puff Ryder tries to counter attack but has no choice but to jump away as the scimitars spiral madly! Puff Ryder pulls out his power bong and takes a look at Bin Destruction for a moment before dashing forward! Bin Destruction FIRES the scimitars at Puff Ryder in succession! The first Puff Ryder avoids by rolling to the side! The second he deflects with his powerbong! The third he vaults over by pointing his bong to the ground and extending it!! The fourth and fifth he uses as mid-air platforms to wall jump in a “Z” pattern straight towards Bin Destruction!!!

“DIE INFIDEL!!” Destruction screams.

The final scimitar flies towards Puff Ryder at POINT BLANK range! Puff Ryder raises his arm and throws his body sideways to try and avoid the last attack! The Scimitar rips straight through Puff Ryder’s shirt as Puff Ryder continues the spin and turns it into a monstrous backhand right into the side of Bin Destruction’s face!!!! Bin Destruction hits the ground and rolls along stopping just short of the hole where they knocked out Hard’Rok! Puff Ryder’s feet touch the ground and the camera is on a closeup of his feet when right in front of them droplets of blood speckle the canvas! The camera pulls back to reveal Puff Ryder doubled over in pain while Bin Destruction’s ejected boxcutter arm blade rests imbedded deep in Puff Ryder’s side! Bin Destruction laughs as he struggles to get back on his feet!

“YOU SEEING!? DEVILS WILL DIE BEFORE THE POWER OF THE SANDS!!” Destruction laughs maniacally!

J.R.: Bah Gawd! He’s ran him through with that box cutter!

W.W.: Hopefully they’ll both just plummet down into Hell where they belong.

Bin Destruction pulls a dagger out of a holster at his side and prepares to throw it at the helpless Puff Ryder to finish him off! A gust of wind blows from behind Destruction and he turns around in shock to see the towering figure of the Cloaked Man, once again cloaked standing before him! Bin Destruction takes the dagger and stabs it right into the Cloaked Man’s chest! But the Dagger breaks with a sharp “KLANG!” the moment it hits

J.R.: He’s back! Of course he wasn’t out of the match, Cloaked Man can fucking fly!

W.W.: I forget that sometimes as well.

H.v.T.: Things certainly aren’t looking up for our Middle Eastern warrior.

Bin Destruction looks at the broken dagger in shock as Cloaked Man pulls him close and thrusts his hooded face into Bin Destruction’s! After a few moments it becomes clear what is happening!

H.v.T.: My word!

W.W.: ARGH! GAYYY!!!

JR: Ladies and Gentlemen … I don’t know how to say this but Cloaked Man looks to be MAKING OUT with Bin Destruction!

Finally the Cloaked Man releases Bin Destructions head. As he does so some kind of glowing orb can be seen traveling down Destruction’s throat! Wide eyed Destruction staggers back away from the Cloaked Man, wildly grasping at his stomach! The glow brightens to a blinding degree before Bin Destruction’s entire stomach EXPLODES!!!

JR: GOOD GAWD IN HEAVEN!!!

W.W.: MOTHERFUCK!

H.v.T.: !!

The remains of Bin Destruction lay lifeless as Cloaked Man makes his way over to the bleeding Puff Ryder. Unable to move, Puff Ryder attempts to use his WEED MAGIC to summon his bong to defend him. Before he can CLOAKED MAN fires off a monstrous right, a punch that seems stronger and heavier than any thrown in the history of the FTU. Puff Ryder’s flesh is torn from the blow that seems to nearly crush his skull. Puff Ryder falls unconscious in a heap and the Cloaked Man places one foot on his fallen opponent. The referee’s voice comes through a speaker positioned in the corner of the cell.

OOOONE! TWOOOOO! THREEEEEE![/i]

J.R.: He’s won it! He’s fucking won it! And he’s killed Destruction!

The Cloaked Man seems apathetic over his victory. He climbs to the top of the cell and stands beside the massive chain holding it aloft. With a flourish, he removes his cloak.

W.W.: WHAT!?

JR: WHAT IN THA HELL!!?

H.v.T.: IT … CAN’T … BE!!!

There standing triumphantly on top of the cage is ROMEO KRYSTAL! His entire body is covered in precious gems embedded into him. Emeralds, diamonds, rubies, sapphires cover his skin in ornate designs. Even his hair seems to be made of woven diamonds! His skin looks like vibrant crystal with veins of molten lava running throughout him! He throws his head back and laughs!

Romeo Krystal looks straight at the camera and smirks.

"Well, well, well. For those of you watching at home, don't bother adjusting your television. Leave your fried chicken-greased fingers off the knob. For you in the audience, I'll give you a moment to blink and wait for your pupils to soften again. Because I can only imagine what you all must be thinking right now, the feelings, the sensations running through your veins. But I do hope that amongst them... is sense of pride. Amidst the felicity the ecstacy, the envy and the glorious horror, I hope that there's a part of you that knows that you've been chosen … to bear witness,” the inhuman Krystal punctuates this with a dramatic flipping of his hair, “You see this is not simply the second coming of Romeo Krystal; this is not a long-awaited return or a push designed to draw in the old school fans. What you see now is the rapture itself! The messiah of jewels, of beauty, has assumed his true form! Like a snake shedding its skin, I have disregarded and shrugged off the unnecessary in favor of the beautiful, beautiful Satan-spawn therein. These gemstones have always been within me. I have always had skin of crystal, eyes of jade, teeth of quartz and a ruby tongue, but you were all blind to it.”

Krystal begins pacing on top of the cell, his jeweled fingers following the links of the chain.

“But now ... now things have changed. Now, you are all forced to open your eyes and embrace the higher plane of existence that stands before you, championship in hand. I am prouder tonight than I have ever been, as I am now your Non-American Champion,” he smirks, “Just like I lost my beaten and battered flesh, I now forsake the country that I was so unfortunately raised in. This belt that I hold represents the nude women of Italy, the unfathomably trendy city streets of London, the romantic escapades of Paris. From the strong tribesmen of Africa to the minion-raising pop culture of Asia to the tanned-skin independence of South America, it's all engraved on this belt's gold and it is all merely a fantasy of you fat, disgusting Americans, the epitome of human swine. This country is what got me sick That's right. That's what you're all wondering. The diseases that I gathered during my lifetime of debauchery in this nation were waiting for their time to strike. That time came in this pit, where they festered, congealed, amassed into a virus strain that would kill a normal man, but, on me, simply took away the burden I once bore. And it's in that same pit, this oblivion that tonight has been billed as Hell but is in fact something far more heinous to thrust upon a person, that I'll leave - get a good camera shot of this, folks - these three dead men tonight. This is where they'll suffer, because they don't have the under skin beauty that I had to make it through. It may not be Hell, but this is where you'll spend the rest of eternity, gentlemen. As for me, I have a championship to honor and a world to purify with my presence. Get a load of me, folks, I'm no longer Romeo Krystal, I'm no longer here to sell FTUW t-shirts with cute little catchphrases like "the seduction of destruction," I am no longer man! Just the Universe's brightest jewel and its most glorious new element, Kryst¯l.

Krystal pauses, carefully thinking on what word to use next.

“Sayonara, dead men; if you want retribution, you know which country not to find me in."

Ricky Williams appears in the cage and grabs the unconscious Puff Ryder, turning him into smoke and causing them both to rise through the links in the cage and into the air.

Ricky: We best be gettin’ our black asses OUTTA here!

From the DEEP DARKNESS rises Hard’Rok, missing his cloak. He looks furious, the championship stolen from him.

“DAMN YOU, KRYSTAL!” Cloaked Man shouts, gripping the links of the cell. Krystal smirks in response, severing the giant chain with a diamond-knuckled fist. The cell plunges into the depths as the chain rebounds, carrying Krystal at break-neck speeds out of the pit.

J.R.: I can’t believe it. Romeo Krystal is alive?

W.W.: And that faggot has stolen the Non-American title. Why wasn’t the match declared a no contest? Has Lib-America’s p/c conspiracy even reached the FTUW? Oh, let’s give a title to a FAG, right. I thought Hell was the one place Krystal couldn’t queer his way out of but I guess the Warrior was proven wrong.

H.v.T.: My, his body alone has undoubtedly secured his place as a multi-millionaire!

J.R.: Yeah, how the hell did that happen? When did falling into a giant hole turn you into a man with rubies and diamonds jutting out of your skin?

H.v.T.: Apparently that Antartican hole is more than it appears.
Yogurtman
Odin
Joined: 03 Jan 2007
Posts: 2248
(Mon Feb 19, 2007 11:34 pm)
Reply

Post     Re: FTUW'S ROCK 'N' ROLL ANARCHY: POWERBOMB MURDER HOUSE (#7

J.R.: Folks, it’s not over yet. We have a match between two of the greatest superstars in the world tonight. Not only that, it’s for the coveted FTUW Championship!

The light in the arena dims as Todd Lightning (or Brian Lightning, I still don’t fucking know) takes center stage, clutching a card in his hand.

Lightning: Ladies and gentleman … welcome to the main event!

The crowd erupts into a chorus of cheers. A “F-T-U!” chant can be heard for through the deafening noise.

Lightning: The following match is for the FTUW Championship! Coming to the ring first … from Nagasaki, Japan … “THE BURNING WOLF” … RAKKYU SAAAAKETUUUMIIIII!

Rakkyu Saketumi bursts from the entrance like a fucking badass. He can barely contain the HIGH ENERGY coursing through his body as he walks stoically to the ring. Like always, he is accompanied by his Hellriders, Kazuki and Tanaka at the front. They all walk with him, their lips pursed attempting to make the ugliest face possible. Some attempt to pick fights with the audience members cheering their hearts out for them. Saketumi, the Hellrider logo emblazoned on his jacket shining as the spotlight following him reflects off it, marches to the ring before HOPPING onto the apron. He steps through the ropes deftly and strolls over to the corner. He attempts to relax in the corner but his excitement makes that difficult.

J.R.: There he is, Rakkyu Saketumi, the man the fans want to be champion! Some say that if his legendary match with Toity didn’t drain so much out of him he’d be the champion right now! You fought that epic battle against him, Toity, do you have any thoughts?

H.v.T.: I won’t lie, I despise Saketumi more than anything. Everything he stands for is what I hate in this world. This planet would run much more efficiently if people like him didn’t exist, those who attempt to challenge the status quo. The kings of the world, pre-ordained by God, were meant to rule and we have rebellious upstarts like him ruining everything.

Hoity von Toity looks down, his monacle shining brightly in the light, his fist clenched.

H.v.T.: Nevertheless … I respect Saketumi’s strength. I respect his bravery. If anyone can win that belt … it’s him.

J.R.: Touching words, Toity. Your thoughts, Warrior?

W.W.: I respect the strong. It’s exactly what this country is afraid of. Power. Lib-America would want everyone to be weak. They even want to give up our spot as a superpower simply so the world can be “one.” Why would you want to quit the winning side? Regardless, Saketumi is strong but Theldorrin may be stronger. Theldorrin may be a communist-ass-sucking-robotic-son-of-a-bitch-queer-queer but he’s a monster in the ring.

Lightning: And his opponent and FTUW Champion … hailing from the Calculus II … Theldorrriiiinn XIV!

An orchestral fanfare announces Theldorrin’s arrival. He enters onto the stage, his black armor shining brightly, his massive frame leaving small depressions in the steel with each step. Despite how bulky his body looks his movements are smooth and agile. His cape flows powerfully behind him as he makes his way to the ring. Some of the crowd in the stands boo him but anyone with thirty feet of the mechanical beast is silent. Theldorrin reaches the ring apron and LEAPS WITH EXTREME SPEED. Within three seconds, he lands in the ring, causing the whole thing to shake. Behind him, his cape, detached from his armor, drifts in the background. Theldorrin XIV stands there, his arms crossed. The intensity in the ring is indescribable.

J.R.: Saketumi has poured his heart and soul into this profession to make it this far. But can he do it? It doesn’t seem possible.

W.W.: He’s certainly the underdog.

The bell sounds and both opponents walk towards each other. The crowd is silent. Theldorrin begins to chuckle.

“I’m not going to waste any words in trying to convince you to give up,” Theldorrin smiles, “I know that you think you’re such a hard ass and that you’ll never give up …”

Theldorrin leans forward and begins to whisper to Saketumi.

“I’m not an idiot. I’m not going to stand around and let you summon up desperation attack after desperation attack,” he says softly, “I’m going to crush you swiftly and brutally. You’ll be an example that no one is a match for Theldorrin XIV …”

“Oy, oy,” Saketumi says, “let’s just fight, eh?”

Theldorrin smirks and then nods his head slowly. IMMEDIATELY THEY BOTH DASH BACKWARD and take fighting stances. In an instant, they simultaneously dash forward, readying attacks! SAKETUMI HURLS A PUNCH that Theldorrin EASILY CATCHES! With his arm locked, Theldorrin fires off a BODY BLOW that IMPACTS SAKETUMI’S GUT! Saketumi is FLUNG from the attack and nearly OUT OF THE RING! Saketumi grabs onto a ring rope to stop his ASCENT, STRETCHING IT FROM THE FORCE. As the rope approaches its breaking point, IT FIRES SAKETUMI FORWARD LIKE A CATAPAULT! Saketumi STICKS HIS FOOT FORWARD but Theldorrin has prepared for such an unorthodox attack! He dodges to the left, CATCHING SAKETUMI’S LEG, and hurling him violently into the turnbuckle!

“Saketumi-sama!” Tanaka shouts, his chins and fat, sausage lips TREMBLING. Saketumi stands up from the colossal blow, slightly fazed.

J.R.: I think it’s a safe bet to say that Saketumi is the toughest man ever to step through the FTUW ring.

W.W.: Is that supposed to be a compliment? The only reason we know that is because he gets his ass kicked so often. He needs to learn how to DODGE.

Saketumi purses his lips and SPITS. A tooth ROCKETS from his mouth and bounces off Theldorrin’s black armor. Ryakku chuckles softly before CHARGING AGAIN, ENERGY in the form of STEAM SHOOTING OUT FROM UNDER HIS FEET.

“Is that all you do? Run straight at your enemy?” Theldorrin chuckles. His torso SPINS AND HIS ARM FIRES A HOOK LIKE IT WAS A PISTON. The fist comes SOARING at Saketumi who DUCKS DOWN EVEN LOWER, his upper body a mere one foot from the ground. This, however, doesn’t stop the speed of his dash as Theldorrin’s BLOW MISSES. Saketumi collides with the metallic frame of XIV and WRAPS HIS ARMS AROUND THELDORRIN. With an “ORAAAA!” he LIFTS UP THE METAL GIANT AND EXECUTES A BODY TO BACK SUPLEX!

J.R.: Bah gawd! Theldorrin XIV must nearly weigh a ton!

Theldorrin springs to his feet, a look of frustration showing through on his COLD, METALLIC FACE. The small JET THRUSTERS on his back IGNITE and he soars across the ring! Saketumi, a little tired from that move, TRIES TO DODGE THE FLYING THELDORRIN FUTILELY! He collides with the metal man and IS PINNED VIOLENTLY AGAINST THE TURNBUCKLES!

J.R.: Goddamnit, this should illegal!

W.W.: I’ve said it once and I’ll probably say another dozen times. As long as it’s part of your body it’s legal!

H.v.T.: He’s right. When you have monsters and hell-powered supermen duking it out, a little self-augmentation isn’t just legal, it’s necessary!

Theldorrin CRUSHES SAKETUMI into the steel ring post. Theldorrin chuckles as SAKETUMI belts out a cry of anguish! Theldorrin responds by diverting more power to his THRUSTERS, CAUSING THE STEEL TO BEND AS SAKETUMI’S BODY IS COMPACTED AGAINST THE RING P

J.R.: This is it! He’s going to kill Saketumi right here!

“Kuso! Kuso! Kuso!” Kuzuki shouts, pounding his fists on the ring apron, “Saketumi’s matches are so difficult to watch!”

“Kuzuki-san, Saketumi is in danger … is that all you can say?!” Tanaka shouts at his comrade.

“Saketumi has came back from greater danger …” Kuzuki clenches his fist, “we must have faith in him.”

“Tch … there’s no choice,” Saketumi thinks to himself, “the damage has been building up over time … but if I don’t do it I’m going to die!”

Saketumi FIRES OFF HIS SIGNATURE ATTACK, THE HEADBUTT, INTO THE METAL SKULL OF THELDORRIN. Theldorrin only laughs in response as blood begins to trickle down Saketumi’s head.

“Nice try, faggot,” Theldorrin laughs, “my head is made out of fucking metal! Really, now.”

SAKETUMI ignores his SOUND ADVICE and SLAMS HIS SKULL RIGHT INTO THELDORRIN’S HEAD ONCE MORE. Theldorrin laughs harder at the situation, SAKETUMI’S BONES CREAKING UNDER THE IMMENSE PRESSURE. Once again they butt heads, the blood flowing steadily from the wound! Again! And again! AND AGAIN! But unlike all the other foes Saketumi has faced, Theldorrin seems unfazed. The only noticeable damage is a few dents and scratches on his face plate! But SAKETUMI IS STILL RESILENT! STILL STEADFAST IN HIS WAYS!

J.R.: He’s hell-bent on killing himself!

SAKETUMI LEANS HIS HEAD BACK AS FAR AS IT CAN GO AND FUCKING ROCKETS IT AT THELDORRIN’S FACE! THE HEADBUTT COLLIDES, DENTING THE ARMOR OF THELDORRIN’S FACEPLATE ONCE MORE! Theldorrin seems SHOCKED BY THE STRENGTH OF THE HEADBUTT! And Saketumi … FALLS LIFELESSLY ONTO THELDORRIN’S BODY! HE’S KNOCKED HIMSELF OUT!

“Pathetic,” Theldorrin says, “he didn’t even last ten minutes.”
Theldorrin POWERS UP HIS BOOSTERS ANYMORE, READY TO EXPLODE SAKETUMI’S BODY LIKE A MOSQUITO FILLED WITH BLOOD. The post leans back EVEN FURTHER, ALMOST SNAPPING but SAKETUMI isn’t that FORTUNATE! SUDDENLY, LIFE SPRINGS BACK INTO SAKETUMI’S EYES AS A BLUE, FIERY ENERGY FAINTLY SURROUNDS HIS BODY! It’s that energy that he can only find in desperation! The samurai spi

“ORAAAAA!!” SAKETUMI SCREAMS, SENDING A FLAMING HEADBUTT INTO THELDORRIN’S FUCKING FACE.

W.W.: HE’S DONE IT!

H.v.T.: It’s that energy again …

J.R.: He’s … wait! Theldorrin hasn’t moved!

Theldorrin’s face plate has been smashed but he’s refusing to RELEASE THE HOLD. However, that headbutt DID do something. When The Burning Wolf lacked the strength he used technique. The attack was focused on the same spot over and over! As Theldorrin attempts to divert even more power to the boosters, an error occurs. THE CIRCUITRY WAS DAMAGED and Theldorrin’s BOOSTERS POINT IN A DIFFERENT DIRECTION! Theldorrin flies like a rocket OFF OF SAKETUMI AND CRASHES INTO THE CROWD, EXPLODING TEN CROWD MEMBERS AT ONCE! He crashes row through row, exploding FAN AFTER FAN, COVERING HIMSELF INTO INTESTINES AND BLADDERS AND ALL THAT FUCKING SHIT. Saketumi, meanwhile, is in the ring, leaning on the ground, THE BLUE ENERGY FADED, holding his cracked ribs. He spits up a little blood on the mat and smirks. He suffered that damage for another shot. The match is only beginning!

W.W.: Oh God, look at the massacre, I can see the lawsuits now.

J.R.: We barely had enough fans left before the match started! We’re slowly killing off our demographic!

Theldorrin GRIPS THE GROUND WITH HIS FISTS, PINNING HIMSELF. With one free arm, HE CRUSHES HIS OWN JET BOOSTERS, stopping himself from FLYING AROUND THE GODDAMN ARENA. Theldorrin is visibly enraged, his own body TURNED AGAINST HIM. He turns his head to Saketumi, still in the ring on one knee.

“You son of a bitch …” Theldorrin says, “I’ll erase you!”

THELDORRIN XIV GRABS A NEARBY FAN AND HURLS HIM AT SAKETUMI! The man, SCREAMING AS ROCKETS THROUGH THE AIR, closes in on Ryakku. Ryakku LEAPS INTO THE AIR, dodging the fan who explodes into CHUNKS ON THE MAT. Theldorrin grabs more FANS and CHUCKS THEM LIKE SPEARS. Saketumi, in mid-air, UNABLE TO DODGE, tucks HIS LEGS. HE JUMPS OFF ONE FAN WHO FLIES UNDER HIM AND LEAPS TO THE OTHER! They sail into the background and achieve explosive death as SAKETUMI FLOATS THROUGH THE AIR TOWARDS THE CHAMP.

J.R.: BAH GAWD! BAH GAWD!

W.W.: MOTHERFUCKER FUCK QUEER!

Theldorrin is still unsatisfied with the result of flinging humans at his opponent. HE CHARGES UP THE RAMP AND GRABS THE MEN, WOMEN, AND CHILDREN TRYING TO ESCAPE! HE HURLS A DOZEN HUMANS AT SAKETUMI, FLOATING THROUGH THE AIR, UNABLE TO DODGE! So instead of DODGING HE FUCKING HEADBUTTS THEM! ONE AFTER THE OTHER! HE HEADBUTTS THEM AND REDIRECTS THEIR BODIES, SOME EVEN EXPLODING ON CONTACT, SHOWERING THE ARENA IN BLOOD! The final one human, a middle-aged father of three celebrating his retirement at this event, IS GRABBED BY THE LEG BY SAKETUMI! Saketumi, with a mighty swing, HURLS HIM BACK AT THELDORRIN! However, Saketumi keeps his grip, CLIMBS ON THE MAN, AND USES HIM LIKE A FLYING SURFBOARD!

J.R.: GLJETIGEGOJNEG!!

H.v.T.: M-M-My God!

SAKETUMI SAILS RIGHT INTO FUCKING THELDORRIN, THE BODY LIQUIFYING ON IMPACT, WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY DROPKICKING HIM INTO THE GROUND!

Suddenly, the bell begins ri

J.R.: WHAT THE HELL?!

W.W.: What the fuck’s going on here?

Lighting climbs into the blood-soaked ring, microphone in hand.

Lightning: This match has been ruled a NO CONTEST by COUNT OUT!

J.R.: ANOTHER COUNT OUT?!
W.W.: I completely forgot this was a singles match.

Lightning: In the event of a double count out, the champion retains his title!

J.R.: He got cheated! CHEATED!

W.W.: J.R., I’m upset that a match like this had to end, but rules are rules.

H.v.T.: This … is unacceptable. This match must have closure!

Theldorrin stands out of the hole he was driven in, beaming wide, robotic smile. Saketumi stands amongst the bodies and entrails, defeated, visibly shaken, ALL HIS EFFORTS FOR NAUGHT. Theldorrin pushes him aside as he marches his way to the ring to retrieve his belt.

“NOT SO FUCKING FAST!” a voice echoes through the P.A. system!

OUT OF THE FUCKING ENTRANCE WAY FLIES A ROLLS ROYCE. DRIVING IT IS, OF COURSE, JAMES BROCK MCHARRIS! HE SLAMS IT INTO THE SIDE OF THE RING AND CRASHES THROUGH THE WINDSHIELD, much like at Night of 1000 D’Los, and stands up!

“NOW YOU WAIT A MINUTE YOU GODDAMN SONUVABITCH!” McHarris shouts, VEINS BULGING OUT OF HIS RIDICULOUS, BRIGHT-RED SKIN, “THIS IS MY GODDAMN FED GODDAMNIT AND IT WON’T END THIS WAY FUCK!”

The remaining crowd CHEERS AND BEGINS CHANTING “F-T-U!” McHarris pulls a uncooked steak and begins gnawing at it ferociously.

“This match will continue under HAAARDDCOOOOREEE RULES! RING THE GODDAMN BELL! RING IT GODDAMNIT!”

McHarris FUCKING STUNNERS THE SHIT OUT OF LIGHTNING AND PROCEEDS TO CONVULSE ON THE GROUND. The time keeper sounds the bell again and the match starts once more! Theldorrin has a burning HATE IN HIS EYES, that his victory was renounced! He turns to Saketumi who is BRIMMING WITH ENERGY, A SMILE ON HIS FACE, AS HIS SHOT AT THE BELT IS ONCE AGAIN IN VIEW! Theldorrin’s hand begins crackling with that VIOLENT, RED ENERGY KNOW AS ROCKATRICITY! He charges at Saketumi AND FIRES OFF A MASSIVE FIST! The hand BURIES ITSELF INTO HIS GUT, SENDING HIM FLYING INTO AIR! SAKETUMI CONTINUES TO SAIL AND IS KNOCKED THROUGH THE FUCKING ROOF! Theldorrin LEAPS INTO THE AIR WITH EASE AND EXITS THROUGH THE HOLE SAKETUMI M

“FUCKING FOLLOW THEM! GRAB YOUR CAMERAS,” MCHARRIS SHOUTS WHILE ROLLING AROUND ON THE GROUND, “DON’T LET THEM OUT OF SIGHT!”

A lone camera catches Saketumi falling down and CRASHING THROUGH A LAMP POST. He falls onto the ground in the middle of a busy intersection, surrounded by cars. He hacks up some blood and struggles to his feet AS THELDORRIN SAILS INTO VIEW, CRASHING HEAVILY IN THE GROUND.

J.R.: They’re outside! SURROUNDED BY MORE HUMANS!

W.W.: Those people didn’t sign the release forms!

Some RETARD gets out of his car and starts shouting at Theldorrin. Of course, THELDORRIN CHARGES HIS ARM UP WITH ROCKATRICTY AND BLOWS HIS ASS UP! People begin exiting their cars and RUNNING AWAY IN A FRENZY. Saketumi and Theldorrin stand in the middle, surrounded by vehicles. THELDORRIN CHARGES AGAIN AT SAKETUMI, SHOULDER-TACKLING HIM INTO A BUICK! The buick BUCKLES UNDER THE WEIGHT and Theldorrin wastes no time FOLLOWING IT UP WITH A CRUSHING AXEHANDLE! The Burning Wolf rolls out of the way in the NICK OF TIME, the front of the car being smashed in by THELDORRIN’S FISTS, causing the rest of the car to LAUNCH SAKETUMI SPRINGBOARD. Saketumi throws a mighty FIST INTO THELDORRIN’S DAMAGED FACE PLATE, causing him to stumble backwards and collapse onto another car. Saketumi STOMPS ONTO CHEST and hops off, ENTERING THE DRIVER’S SIDE DOOR. Theldorrin turns his head to see Saketumi GRABBING THE WHEEL AND STEPPING ON THE GAS! The car fucking PEELS OUT AS THELDORRIN LYES ON TOP OF THE VEHICLE! Saketumi drives onto the sidewalk, UNABLE TO SEE WHERE’S HE FUCKING GOING, and CRASHES THROUGH ALL THE BYSTANDERS ATTEMPTING TO FLEE!

J.R.: Jesus fucking Christ.

The car, NOW DRENCHED IN BLOOD, continues WHIPPING AROUND CORNERS, ARMS AND LEGS DANGLING FROM THE FRAME. Theldorrin SHOVES A FIST THROUGH THE GLASS AND ATTEMPTS TO PUNCH SAKETUMI but SAKETUMI RECLINES HIS SEAT, laying down completely. THE CAR CRASHES INTO A BANK, EJECTING THELDORRIN OFF THE HOOD OF THE CAR AND SENDING HIM CRASHING THROUGH FIFTEEN PILLARS BEFORE EXITING OUT THE OTHER SIDE OF THE BANK. The bank fucking crumbles.

J.R.: We are so fucked. So fucked.

THELDORRIN LIES ON THE STREET, his arm dented and covered in chunks of flesh. He attempts to crawl to his feet as a SET OF HEADLIGHTS BLIND HIM. Behind the wheel of the new car is Saketumi, once again. HE SLAMS ON THE ACCELERATOR AND CRASHES INTO THE THELDORRIN, fucking up the car hard but CAUSING MORE DAMAGE TO THELDORRIN. XIV struggles to his feet but can’t force his body to move. Saketumi exits the car, his skin filled with broken glass and painted completely red from the blood of bystanders. Saketumi drags behind him a chain, God knows where he got it, and LOCKS IT AROUND THELDORRIN’S LEGS with a padlock. Saketumi wraps the other end of the chain around the bumper, THELDORRIN’S MECHANICAL EYES GROWING WIDE UPON THE REALIZATION OF WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN.

W.W.: JESUS CHRIST.

J.R.: I don’t like the looks of this!

SAKETUMI HOPS INTO THE VEHICLE AND ONCE AGAIN SLAMS ON THE ACCELERATOR! The battered heap JERKS FORWARD and begins speeding down the road, DRAGGING THELDORRIN BEHIND HELPLESSLY. SPARKS BEGIN SHOOTING OFF HIS BODY AS ALL THE PAINT IS PEELED AWAY. His body, covered in blood, LEAVES A MASSIVE TRAIL BEHIND HIM. SAKETUMI IS LAUGHING MANIACALLY FROM INSIDE THE VEHI

J.R.: This has ceased to be a fight long ago! This is just pure violence! I’m not even sure if Saketumi cares about the title anymore!

Theldorrin DRIVES HIS FINGERS deep into the concrete, attempting to slow himself down to no avail! Saketumi, SEEING THELDORRIN’S PLAN, puts the CAR ON CRUISE CONTROL. Saketumi shoves a dismembered limb through the steering wheel, keeping the car straight as HE CLIMBS OUT OF THE WINDOW AND ON TOP OF THE CAR. He walks to the end of the vehicle, speeding at over a 100 MPH, and LEAPS ONTO THELDORRIN! THE ADDED WEIGHT CAUSES EVEN MORE SPARKS TO SHOOT OFF, THELDORRIN’S BODY BEING WORN DOWN. Saketumi STOMPS ON HIM, LAUGHING, BEFORE PUTTING HIM A GODDAMNED HEADLOCK WHILE HE’S BEING DRAGGED AT A 100 FUCKING MILES PER HOUR!

”FAAACK YOU!!” SAKETUMI SHOUTS AS HE SHOVES THELDORRIN’S HEAD INTO THE STREET, PEELING AWAY THE METAL ON HIS FACE PLATE. As the RIDICULOSITY IS AT ITS APEX, THE CAR CRASHES INTO A PARKING GARAGE. IT TRAVELS UP THE TWISTING RAMP, ITS PATH GUIDED BY SLAMMING INTO THE SIDE OF THE BARRIER, UNTIL IT REACHES THE ROOF. THE CAR HEADS FOR THE FUCKING EDGE, READY TO SEND BOTH WARRIORS PLUMMETING TO THEIR DEATHS. However, FATE INTERVENES and the CHAIN SNAPS, sending the car over the edge to EXPLODE AWESOMELY while our warriors lay on top of each other.

J.R.: I’m come to the conclusion that shouting BAH GAWD would only do the extreme awesomeness an injustice. I think perhaps shooting myself in the face with a shotgun would be the only way to express my amazement.

Suddenly, McHarris LAUNCHES FROM ANOTHER ROOFTOP ON A FUCKING MOTORCYCLE AND CRASHES ONTO THE TOP OF THE PARKING GARAGE. The bike skids and McHarris is sent rolling along the ground. He slows to a stop near Theldorrin and Saketumi, both knocked unconsciousness. McHarris is wearing a torn referee’s shirt that he ripped off the body of a referee.

”OOOONEEE!!” MCHARRIS SCREAMS.

J.R.: Wait! Saketumi is lying on top of Theldorrin! MCHARRIS IS HERE TO COUNT THE PIN!

“TWOOOOOO!!” MCHARRIS VOMITS.

W.W.: Saketumi is going to win it! SAKETUMI IS GOING TO-

“THR-MOTHERFUCKER FUCK HE KICKED OUT!”

Theldorrin RAISES HIS SHOULDER JUST BARELY. Theldorrin pushes off the lifeless Saketumi and climbs to his feet, HIS ENTIRE FRONT RED HOT AND DISFIGURED.

“Saaaaakeeetumiiiiii” Theldorrin utters an ungodly groan as he stumbles around the roof.

“Saaaaakkkeeeetuuuumiiii…” BLOOD OOZES FROM HIS BODY. Saketumi stirs from his unconsciousness, attempting to STAND AS HIS BODY IS BROKEN.

“Glrrrlrkrkr” Theldorrin begins to choke on his own blood but REFUSES TO FALL. Saketumi stands, COVERED IN SMOKE FROM THE RED HOT METAL OF THELDORRIN’S BODY, covered in some minor burns. They both stand on that roof top as POLICE COPTERS FLY BY and FTUW camera men attempted to capture the carnage.

“Fight goddamnit!” McHarris bellows.

The two men BEGIN TO RUN DESPITE THEIR BODIES, MECHANICAL OR NOT, TELLING THEM IT’S AN IMPOSSIBILITY. THEY CHARGE AT EACH OTHER, FISTS OUTSTRETCHED, READY TO END THE BATTLE ONCE AND FOR ALL.

J.R.: THIS IS IT! THE FINAL MOMENTS!

W.W.: Those thousands of people who died tonight should be happy they gave their lives for such a momentous Pay-Per-View!

H.v.T.: Saketumi … give me closure … end this frustrating match you showed me.

THEY CONTINUE TO CHARGE. FISTS PULLED BACK, SCREAMING UNGODLY SCREAMS. Time seems to slow down as MARCH FORWARD. BLOOD POURS FROM THEIR WOUNDS, HANGING IN THE AIR. Who will win? WHO WILL BE THE VICTOR?!

As they outstretch their fists, READY TO CRUSH EACH OTHER’S FUCKING HEADS, GRAY COVERS THEM. The entire area turns black and white as their movements slow to a stop. McHarris’ face is frozen in a violent, orgasmic state, HIS TONGUE STICK OUT OF HIS STRETCHED MOUTH, saliva floating in the air in front of them. The warriors’ faces are filled with rage. The sound of their screaming fades into nothing. Silence. Nothing is moving. Nothing is making a sound … until the footsteps.

A figure in black strolls past McHarris and stands between the two warriors. Slowly, he raises his arms and, with each hand, grips the two fighters’ fists. Time resumes, and THE POWERFUL BLOWS CAUSE THE GROUND TO CRACK AND SMOKE TO COVER THE AREA. Theldorrin and Saketumi stare at the man in black, Jack Daniels, HOLDING THEIR FISTS.

J.R.: BAAAH GAWWD! IT’S HIM! JACK DANIELS! HE’S BAAACK!

“YOU!” SAKETUMI AND THELDORRIN SHOUTS SIMULTANEOUSLY. Daniels releases his grip and stands there.

“I’m sorry, Saketumi …” Daniels says solemnly, “but when I kill Theldorrin … I want to take the belt as well …”

“You son of a bitch …” Theldorrin shouts …

“I’ll kill you!” Saketumi finishes the sentence!

THEY HURL THEIR FISTS AGAIN BUT DANIELS TURNS INTO A BLACK BLUR. Their fists collide with eachother, Daniels missing. SUDDENLY, the black blur returns, LEAVING DUST TRAILS WHERE HIS FEET WERE, the only visible evidence of his insane speed. FIST-SIZED CRATERS APPEAR ON BOTH FIGHTERS’ BODIES, SENDING THEM FLYING BACK. Daniels stands between them, his hands in his silk pants, unmoving. McHarris walks up to Daniels, RAGE SEEPING THROUGH HIS PORES.

“What the fuck are you DOING YOU SON OF A BITCH!” McHarris GROWLS, “I’ll FIRRRREEE YOURR ASSSSS!”
SAKETUMI AND THELDORRIN RECOVER FROM THE LIGHTNING-FAST ATTACK AND CHARGE AGAIN. Daniels sees the attacks coming and COUNTERS EFFECTIVELY WITH A DOUBLE-PUNCH. AS THE FISTS CONNECT, FIRE POURS FROM THE COLLISSION, KNOCKING BOTH WARRIORS TO THE GROUND.

“That won’t be necessary …” Daniels says softly as he turns his gaze to McHarris, “declare this a no contest …”

McHarris eyes widen, the anger leaving his face … replaced with joy.

“This is a no contest!” McHarris waves his arms over his head. Theldorrin and Saketumi lay at Daniels’ feet, unconscious, the area around them covered in fire. Daniels walks over to Theldorrin and kneels down.

“Keep that belt safe …” Daniels smiles, “I’ll be comin’ to take it soon.”

And with that. He’s gone.

J.R.: It’s over. The match is over … Theldorrin is still the champ!

The screen fades to black and the FTUW logo appears on the screen.

FTUW Entertainment 2006. All Rights Reserved.
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    Dragon Ball Z Uncensored Forum Index -> Standard DBZ Fan Fiction All times are GMT - 6 Hours
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  


Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group