Dragon Ball Z Uncensored

Yogurtman · (Sun Feb 27, 2011 10:34 pm)

Uh, have you ever watched LeBron? Large, fast, etc.

And yeah, Chris Paul is pretty amazing when you think about it. The Hornets have a TON of huge, goonish white guys who seem to bring nothing to the table, with generic-ass names like Aaron Gray or Jason Smith. And these guys were somehow getting open looks non-stop! If any of them were on the Wolves they'd be Kosta Koufos. Moving on!

Game 31: versus Golden State Warriors, 2/27

Finally, a cure for what ails the Wolves: a team that plays zero defense and has no one who can even remotely keep Kevin Love off the boards.

Both teams started off shooting well, but the Wolves faded quickly as they tend to do. Between Stephen Curry, Monta Ellis, and Dorell Wright (who the Wolves STILL have not figured out they need to guard), Golden State pretty much unleashed a nonstop offensive barrage through the first half. They scored 73 in the first half, and were up by 14 at one point. The Wolves fought back a little, but it wasn't really looking too positive at the half.

Then in the third quarter, Kevin Love completely took over the game. I don't think there are really very many teams he can do that against, but on the Warriors he's matched up against David Lee, who basically IS Kevin Love only slightly worse at everything and much, much more highly paid. Anyway, Love started getting every rebound and getting fouled on every single possession. He ended up shooting 23 free throws (a team record) and put up a 30-20 BEFORE THE THIRD QUARTER ENDED.

Combined with the fact that everyone on Golden State stopped scoring, the Wolves actually built a 17 point lead early in the fourth. Of course, being the Wolves, they immediately stopped playing well and let the Warriors come right back. Love was basically a non-factor late in the game; he really can't be a go-to offensive player, he gets his points on garbage shots, putbacks, and wide-open threes. He still ended up with a 37-23. The late-game offense is basically Ridnour and Beasley taking turns jacking up dumb shots. Beasley actually did play pretty well tonight, though, he scored 25 and looked more like he did in November-December than I've seen in a while.

So yeah, in the final minute Golden State managed to make it a one point game, and they were coming down to take the lead, when the newly confident/competent Wes Johnson decided to close out the game. Golden State's last two possessions ended with Johnson blocking Ellis and Johnson stealing the ball from Curry. I realize it's only been 3 games or whatever but he is SO much better since the Brewer trade. He had 17 points, 7 boards, and is just much more active on both ends. I now have hope that he is not a completely ridiculous wasted draft pick!

I think a big part of the key to tonight's game was the Wolves giving up on playing Darko. They figured, hey, it's not like Andris Beadrins is going to beat us, let's just go small and play 6'9" Anthony Tolliver at center, at least he's not afraid of the ball. This seemed to work pretty well. Although, somehow, in his 13 minutes of play Darko was +24 in plus/minus. I'm not quite sure how this is possible. Anthony Randolph was a -11 in 4 minutes. Good Lord.

So yeah, at the end of the day this was an entertaining game with a ridiculous amount of offense and the Wolves figuring out a way to weather their trademark fourth quarter collapse. If only every other team in the NBA would stop playing defense as well, we might get somewhere!

Wolves win 126-123.

P.S. Kevin Love now has 4 30-20 games this year. All other NBA players combined have exactly one. He gets MVP chants when he's shooting free throws! This is, obviously, the dumbest thing ever, but he is good.

8 bit orgy · (Mon Feb 28, 2011 7:49 pm)

I should have used the word "quick", not "fast". D-Wade is much quicker than Lebron and Gilbert is a shave slower than Wade. Lebron has speed if he has momentum.

Kosta Koufos might be the next Gerald Wallace... quote me on this.

The Wolves do not have a trademark on 4th quarter collapses. I've seen the Magic lead teams on for 3 quarters and suddenly kick into gear. That's the nature of the game... 4th quarter.

I actually saw this game. Love obviously has the "green light" in a big way. It felt like he was practicing at the rec center waiting for the real game to show up. Love actually really is a scoring machine.

Teams that don't have to pass as much and have a big guy that can score at will all make it to the playoffs 99% of the time. The Wolves don't need anymore team... just fucking build around Love. One-man shows are terribly underrated in the NBA. The Wolves organization could use a few years in the playoffs.

My Head Hurts 90 · (Wed Mar 02, 2011 6:14 am)

I didn't realize how bad Johnny Flynn was until I saw that his PER is 5.8. 5.8! He's almost 70% worse than Chase Buddinger.

Jesus.

Yogurtman · (Wed Mar 02, 2011 6:01 pm)

God, his advanced stats are awesome. 19.7% of his possessions end in a turnover! He's tied with Pekovic and there are only 5 guys in the NBA that are worse (out of 331 with enough minutes to qualify). The difference is, those five guys are centers or power forwards, not fucking POINT GUARDS.

Game 32: versus Los Angeles Lakers, 3/1

Despite being one of the most poorly played games of all time, this was actually pretty entertaining. The Lakers came out three levels beyond ice-cold; they shot something like 25% in the first quarter and only 38% for the entire game. Kobe scored four points in the first half. They had 16 turnovers and only 12 assists in the entire game. I have to imagine it was about the worst game they have played all year.

Unfortunately, the Wolves were not good enough to take advantage. The key to the game was rebounding; LA's endless waves of gargantuan motherfuckers were too much for Kevin Love to handle. In theory he could have been helped by Darko and Pekovic, but they are constitutionally incapable of doing anything on a basketball court other than committing fouls (combined 34 minutes, 4 points, 6 boards, 10 fouls). The Wolves couldn't make any shots either, Love went 2-10 from the floor and Beasley was 6-18.

The one bright spot, and the reason the Wolves managed to hold the lead for three quarters, was Wes Johnson, who had 20 points and pretty much locked down Kobe on defense for most of the game. I don't want to rush to judgment on people anymore after proclaiming Michael Beasley "very good" back in November, but Johnson has been awesome these last few games. I actually think Kahn might have made the right pick! I mean, DeMarcus Cousins obviously has a much higher ceiling, but come on, if he had come to Minnesota there is a ONE HUNDRED percent chance he would have become a complete head case/asshole and ended up getting hit by a train while watching porn a la Eddie Griffin.

In the end, Kobe managed to get a few open looks late in the third, the Lakers played decent for about five minutes, and that was enough to pull away. Kobe finished with 24 points but did not play well on any level, and Love got his 47th straight double double with a 13-11 but all it really did was go to show how worthless double-doubles are.

Yesterday's other highlight, of course, was Eddy Curry being bought out. This is fortunate because I have heard he was threatening to set foot in the state of Minnesota if he wasn't bought out soon, and under no circumstances do I want him within 200 miles of any Timberwolves player. He might be contagious.

Lakers win 90-79.

Yogurtman · (Wed Mar 02, 2011 9:08 pm)

Yeah, so after the last two posts Jonny Flynn naturally proceeded to play the best game of his career tonight, leading the Wolves to a win over the Pistons with 14 assists and only 2 turnovers.

The Wolves ARE reading this thread.

Ryoko's Biatch · (Wed Mar 02, 2011 11:45 pm)

You realize it was against a team that is currently staging a mutiny, right? I mean, there's no way that actually counts.

Yogurtman · (Thu Mar 03, 2011 10:14 pm)

Well, yeah, but still!

8 bit orgy · (Fri Mar 04, 2011 1:19 pm)

The Wolves are casting their future scorers.

Jonny Flynn looks like the evil version of Rondo. In some ways plays like it too.

Yogurtman · (Tue Mar 08, 2011 8:35 pm)

Game 33: versus Dallas Mavericks, 3/7

I feel semi-ridiculous saying this given that the Mavs are one of the better teams in the NBA, but the Wolves really should have won this game!

The Wolves figured out their only possible blueprint for success against a much better team, which is "start hot and hope Dirk gets in foul trouble". And it actually worked out! Nowitzki picked up two fouls early, sat out for half the first quarter, then came back and picked up foul number three four minutes into the second. The Wolves used this to make some early runs, led by Michael Beasley who scored ten points in the first quarter.

Unfortunately, Beasley went cold as he tends to do, but then continued to shoot every time he touched the ball, as he also tends to do. He was at least driving to the basket instead of shooting 20 footers, which was nice, but it got to the point where the Wolves would clear out for him, the Mavs would rotate FOUR GUYS onto him, and he would STILL try and drive through them. Unfortunately driving at four guys and trying to jump the fuck over them doesn't work for anyone other than LeBron and Blake Griffin. The Mavs came storming back behind the three-point shooting of Jason Kidd (who was left unguarded at the three-point line even though he hasn't attempted a 2-point shot since like 2005) and cut the deficit from 9 points down to 2.

With the Wolves only up by two, and Nowitzki ready to come back in the second half, I naturally assumed we were doomed. But hope was not lost! Nowitzki picked up another foul immediately and headed back to the bench, which forced the Mavericks to turn their offense over to ... Brian Cardinal? Inexplicably, THIS WORKED, as he hit three straight threes and led the Mavs out to a six point lead halfway through the quarter. But then the momentum shifted again, as Kevin Love hit a three to attain his 51st straight double-double, tying Moses Malone for the longest streak since the NBA-ABA merger. The crowd went berserk and gave him a standing ovation, and I was pleased to see that Love initially looked confused by this. I worry sometimes that he might be the kind of guy who just focuses on his stats, but he didn't seem to know that he had just scored his tenth point, and I think that is a good thing.

With the crowd fired up for once, Love responded and went on a mini-rampage, scoring 11 in the quarter and leading the Wolves out to a ten point lead in the closing seconds of the third. Target Center was rocking! The Wolves might actually win! Then Dirk Nowitzki came back into the game, raced down the court, drained a three at the buzzer, then turned and glared at the crowd. At this point I realized that a) Dirk Nowitzki missed his calling, he should have been an 80s movie villain and b) the Wolves were fucked.

Sure enough, the Mavericks tied the game within something like 70 seconds, then began gradually building a lead. The Wolves made one final run late in the fourth and actually took the lead with two minutes to go, leading to the Jumbotron operator unleashing Fat Guy Who Looks Like Chris Farley and Two-Year Old Black Kid. I realized last night that my new hope for Wolves games isn't that they win, I just want the game to be exciting enough that they feel the need to break out those two.

In the end it came down to free throw shooting, and so of course Dallas won because Dirk Nowitzki never misses whereas the Wolves were 16-26 from the line. That's why I opened by saying they should have won; anytime you shoot free throws that badly and only lose by three, competence = victory. Nowitzki finished with 25 points and was the best player on the floor despite playing only 27 minutes. Love put up a typically solid 23-17, and Beasley scored 20 but was a hideous 8-22 from the floor and 4-9 at the line. Wes Johnson was rewarded for being the best player on the Wolves over the last couple weeks by playing only 14 minutes, scoring 5 points and sitting for fucking Wayne Ellington. Yeah, I don't get it either.

Dallas wins 108-105.

Yogurtman · (Tue Mar 08, 2011 8:36 pm)

Oh, Corey Brewer returned to Target Center last night as well. Funny how one of the best teams in the NBA couldn't wait to snap him up after he was bought out by the Knicks. I'm sure Kahn knows what he's doing, though...I mean, doesn't he always?

8 bit orgy · (Fri Mar 11, 2011 7:12 pm)

The Mavs are seriously fucking good this year. The Haywood thing doesn't look so stupid now.

Yogurtman · (Fri Mar 11, 2011 11:15 pm)

Game 34: vs Indiana Pacers, 3/9

I skipped this game because I have yet to convince Yogurtwoman that it makes sense for me to go to three NBA games in one week. Of course, naturally the Wolves completely annihilated the Pacers. The key factor was the Pacers shooting 28% from the floor; I believe they were one shot away from being the worst-shooting team of the year. Danny Granger was 2-19 from the field. Good God.

The other highlight, of course, was Kevin Love surpassing Moses Malone for the highest post-merger streak of double-doubles. Next up: Wilt with 227 straight. If Love beats that, he should be declared President of the United States. Needless to say, it is unlikely.

Anthony Randolph dominated the shit out of the fourth quarter. The only other person on the court who was trying at that point was Tyler Hansbrough, but still, it was semi-impressive.

Wolves win 101-75.

Yogurtman · (Fri Mar 11, 2011 11:26 pm)

Game 35: vs Utah Jazz, 3/11

This game was a season highlight because I was upgraded to prime lower-level seats and was able to bring three other guys with me. The Wolves decided to reward my good fortune by completely kicking the shit out of the Jazz.

This is not 100% surprising; the Jazz minus Deron Williams suck shit. Still, the third quarter was fairly impressive. The Wolves jumped out to a quick early lead, but the Jazz managed to whittle it down from a 19 point deficit to freaking TWO over the course of the last four minutes of the first half and the first four minutes of the second.

From that point on, the Wolves completely took over. The key was Kevin Love grabbing the rebound he needed to extend THE STREAK, and then as the crowd was going batshit insane, racing down and draining a three on the other end. As Love danced back down the court with his arms raised, I screamed to my friends, "THAT IS CALLED 'WHY YOU SIGN AN EXTENSION'". God, I hope we don't trade him for Derrick Favors or something.

Anyway, from that point on the Wolves dominated the game. The best player for the Jazz was Gordon Hayward, who is superwhite and really doesn't even remotely resemble an NBA player. It was enough of a blowout that I felt comfortable with leaving my seat with two minutes to go, wandering down to the tunnel, and ogling the cheerleaders at close range. My season-long favorite (the short blonde girl, he said, as if you are familiar with the members of the Wolves dance team) turned out to be only marginally attractive, but #2 lived up to my expectations.

Love went for 24 and 12, Beasley scored a pretty effortless 23, and the Wolves win 122-101. Second straight blowout win! I am pretty sure this is the first time that has happened since the KG trade.

Magic Juan · (Sat Mar 12, 2011 3:01 pm)

THAT IS CALLED 'WHY YOU SIGN AN EXTENSION

8 bit orgy · (Sat Mar 12, 2011 9:12 pm)

You see, the Wolves are only a few degrees off from being an NBA team. Jazz minus one player are now a ting worse than the Wolves. NBA power rankings are fickle like that.

I know winning isn't a button you can just push, but the Wolves are just leveling up Love for next season.

Magic Juan · (Tue Mar 15, 2011 1:31 am)

http://sports.espn.go.com/nba/news/story?id=6218678

Yogurtman · (Mon Mar 21, 2011 5:42 pm)

Game 36: vs Sacramento Kings, 3/20

Good grief. That was a hideous abomination of a game. Kevin Love injured his groin, only played a few minutes, and finished with no points and three rebounds. Beasley is banged up, got a T early, and hardly played. And man...the rest of the Timberwolves are not good.

Sacramento was in control for most of the game, but the Wolves were hanging around, just close enough that it seemed like they could make a run. Then late in the third a) they started actually making said run and then b) DeMarcus Cousins got ejected. We make some free throws, six point game, things are looking up!

Then the Kings went on a 21-0 run.

Everything about this game was shit. The Wolves were outrebounded 47-27. They turned the ball over 25 times. Samuel Dalembert and Marcus Thornton completely and utterly destroyed them. I didn't even know who Marcus Thornton was, I had to look up his name on ESPN.com to write this post. Something called Pooh Jeter dominated the Wolves for God's sake.

I didn't even pay attention in the fourth quarter because the Wolves folded so quickly I hardly realized it was happening. Then suddenly it was "What the hell? When did we fall behind by 30?"

I hope this is rock bottom!

Wolves lose 127-95.

Mike Dunn · (Mon Mar 21, 2011 6:32 pm)

For a minute I thought that something was word filtering to "Pooh", but I looked it up, and there you go, two NBA players named Pooh.

Yogurtman · (Thu Mar 31, 2011 11:32 pm)

I'm not abandoning this thread, I'm just waiting to watch consecutive losses to the Celtics, Bulls, and Heat before writing an Eastern Conference omni-post.

In the meantime, this is a real thing. Fuck.

Fagzilla · (Thu Mar 31, 2011 11:47 pm)

Haha.

That's one of the more pathetic things I've seen in a while.