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FTUW'S CLUSTERFUCK CHAOS (#16)

 
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Yogurtman
Odin
Joined: 03 Jan 2007
Posts: 2248
(Tue Feb 20, 2007 12:31 am)
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Post     FTUW'S CLUSTERFUCK CHAOS (#16)

Clusterfuck Chaos is a Pay-Per-View that takes place over two weeks.

The basic premise is simple: The active FTUW roster is stuck in Tokyo for one month in FTUW time. They have been ordered to do battle with anyone they choose, the last person standing being crowned Clusterfuck Chaos 2006 champion (what that title entails will be revealed later). A chip in the base of the neck of the wrestler recognizes when they are knocked out, thus eliminating them from the contest. The objective is to find an opponent and knock them the fuck out. How that happens is a little tricky.

This isn't a traditional PPV so all battles are done in promos. This, however, does NOT mean you write them. I do. Your job is to tell me via EzInbox who you want to attack and when.

The way this system works is that the days between now and when the PPV would have started otherwise are broken into blocks. You will send *ME* an EzInbox message telling me who you want to ATTACK and on what block. That's it. If Jon wants ANT KING to attack HARD'ROK, he sends me and EzInbox that says "I want Ant King to attack Hard'Rok" on THIS BLOCK.

But what are blocks? I thought about doing days but since I don't want to write like five matches a day, I ditched that idea. So the days are broken up into blocks to allow me to better manage my time.

Saturday June 24th to Monday June 26th is BLOCK ONE.
Tuesday June 27th to Thursday June 29th is BLOCK TWO.
Friday June 30th to Sunday July 2nd is BLOCK THREE.
Monday July 3rd to Wednesday July 5th is BLOCK FOUR.
Thursday July 6th to Friday July 7th is BLOCK FIVE.

July 9th will be reserved for FINAL MATCHES for the Pay-Per-View if need be.

So what happens after you PICK A BLOCK TO FIGHT? Well, when it comes to time to post the match, I GO INTO THE THREAD of the VICTIM and LOCK IT. Then I'll edit the last promo to include something like "Ant King steps out of the shadows, watching Hard'Rok drink a milkshake." Then in that very thread I'd post the match. When an attack happens, an asterisk is added to the TITLE of the VICTIM'S THREAD. For every attack I add an asterisk.

This leaves the possibility of MULTIPLE ATTACKS. When Ant King tries to attack Hard'Rok, GUAN FEI could come out of nowhere and DROPKICK HIM IN THE FACE! Two people could jump one guy! A three way fight could occur. Since no one else should know WHO you are attacking, these events would be rather SURPRISING.

You get ONLY THREE CHANCES TO ATTACK. In addition to that, you get ONE CHANCE to DEFEND. So if a guy attacks on you BLOCK TWO and you told me you wanted to defend in BLOCK TWO, you could possibly have the upper hand. If 7 guys attack you, YOU COULD ESCAPE. Not every encounter ENDS with a FINISH. It could be a fight to a stand still.

What dictates who wins is like any other match. Before the match, YOUR CURRENT PROMO POWER indicates how good your chances are. If you get attacked repeatedly obviously you won't be in very GOOD SHAPE and your chances to lose increase. This is all just logical. When defending, your chance to win INCREASES GREATLY since you are WAITING FOR IT, laying a trap for your FOOLISH ADVERSARY

So to reiterate: Three Attacks, One Defend. You must send me an order the day before a BLOCK ENDS. Attacking on BLOCK TWO must be before June 29th EST.

YOU CANNOT ATTACK AND DEFEND ON THE SAME DAY.

If you have an attack lined up in the future and that guy is removed from the match, you'll get your turn back.

My only advice is to PROMO. Remember, your guy is IN TOKYO RIGHT NOW so base it around that. If you can end your promo with your guy plowing a chick or getting drunk or shopping at GROCERY STORE, something interesting, that'll be great. If you go into an AUTOMATIC SENTRY GUN FACTORY that's set to shoot anyone who enters that isn't you, I'll probably just write that your wrestler leaves. Keep it realistic.

Also, if you sent an ATTACK ORDER and I don't write you LURKING in the darkness when I edit the VICTIM'S PROMO, don't assume I forgot you. You could be a SURPRISE.

Please try to keep it to one thread for this PPV and REMEMBER, USE EZINBOX. THAT'S THE BEST WAY TO SEND ORDERS TO ME.

Here's the current list of participants in Clusterfuck Chaos:

1. Guan Fei - Attack: 0 Defend: 0
2. The Ant King - ELIMINATED
3. Jack "Jim Beam" Daniels - ELIMINATED
4. Hard'Rok - Attack: 0 Defend: 0
5. Puff Ryder - ELIMINATED
6. Bin Destruction - ELIMINATED
7. Kenjiro Kanzaki - ELIMINATED
8. Sella Phayne - ELIMINATED
9. Robert McCoy - ELIMINATED
10. Jack "The Hatchet" Masterson - ELIMINATED
11. Super Queerbasher - Attack: 0 Defend: 0
12. Impious the Prick - Attack: 0 Defend: 0

Sunday. Tokyo, Japan. Fans scream wildly in the packed Tokyo Dome. The three week battle called Clusterfuck Chaos and there are four fighters remaining. Thus, the game has gone into SUDDEN DEATH with one final match to cap off the event.

J.R.: Welcome, folks! This is good ol' J.R. comin' to you from TOKE-YOOOO, JAPAN! With me is my broadcasting partner, Warrior Warrior! And tonight proves to be an exciting event.

W.W.: Damn right, J.R.! There's only four men left in this event and one of them is my son! Make your father proud, son, and kill that fucking chink! And those other two douchebags. The purple one and the crippled guy who looks like a penis.

J.R.: What a three weeks it's been, Warrior! We were shocked at the last Friday Night Fuckfest to hear that the next PPV was starting immediately! And if you've been watching the FTUW Network, or hell, watching the news, you would have seen the war that has been waged.

W.W.: Oh, the property damage, J.R.! Guan Fei, after winning the world title, revealed that he TRULY IS A DICK, like he was when he first entered the federation, and enlisted the aid of FREEDOM DESTROYER Bin Destruction and drunken asshole Jack "Jim Beam" Daniels in the super group Musclepotamia! After infecting Handsomus with a space virus, he vanished from Tokyo and was eliminated. Goldman, who we can safely say at this point is DEAD, and John Baines both never made it to Tokyo! This led Musclepotamia to dominating the battle royale, teaming up to crush the competition!

J.R.: That was before Hard'Rok, Ant King, and Kenjiro teamed up! After vicious battles that sprawled from bars, amusement parks, city streets, and hotel rooms, the FINAL FOUR REMAIN. One representative of Musclepotamia, Guan Fei, and one representative of the anti-Musclepotamia coalition, Hard'Rok, made it to the end! And two wildcards, Impious the Prick and Super Queerbasher round it out! I've been told that these four men will FINISH IT TONIGHT!

W.W.: It's fucking exciting, J.R.!

J.R.: Up until now the fight was set as ANYWHERE, ANYTIME. However, now that the time limit has expired, Hoity von Toity has booked an impromptu finale here at the Tokyo Dome! What will be the prize? How will this battle royale that has been waged on the streets of Japan end?

W.W.: With copious amounts of bloodshed, I hope!

The lights dim and the Richonian national anthem plays as the wrestling ring splits in two.

W.W.: The boss is here! Stand up and salute, J.R.

Up rises Hoity von Toity's head in a jar attached firmly to a statue of Adonis. Beside him are his ever-present bodyguards, Sinclair Mohammad and Chief Fisting Falcon. A microphone rises up from the smoke as fireworks fire off in the background.

"Ladies and gentleman, welcome to CLUSTERFUCK CHAOS!"

The crowd cheers although they don't know what he said.

"With over 5 billion yen in property damage incurred and over 100 civilian casualties, I must say that this little experiment was a success!" Toity grins as his monacle gleams in the light. "Although I wanted to maintain this particular type of combat to the very end, we can't wait forever for these guys to beat the shit out of each other. Nor can we just tell them they have to finish it tonight. I wanted the combat to be natural, not forced! So now we are left with four men. At first, I was a little disappointed ... until I came up with an idea!"

J.R.: What could he be talking about?

"Tonight, the last man standing will recieve the prize they have been fighting for this entire Pay-Per-View, the FTUW Championship!"

The crowd explodes!

W.W.: The championship? Holy shit!

J.R.: Guan Fei isn't going to like this.

"So what does Guan Fei get if he wins? His title back, of course. But I guess I'll do him one better. If Guan Fei wins, he won't have to defend the FTUW Championship at the next Pay-Per-View. But that's not what's important, right? Studying the FTUW demographic, we know that the world wants someone they can call the STRONGEST IN THE WORLD. But more important is that we know the FTUW fans want CARNAGE. THEY WANT BLOOD. They want someone to die via chainsaw thrown like a boomerang! They want something to REMEMBER ...

THEY WANT THE LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT!"

THE CROWD GOES FUCKING NUTS!

J.R.: BAH GAWD! BAH GAWD! THE LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT! The match that we thought ended both Queerbasher and Krystol's lives! FOUR MEN, ONE HOUSE, ONE BELT, ONE WINNER, AND A WHOLE LOOOOT OF DESTRUCTION!

"And without further ado, I would like to direct your attention to the Tokyo Dome city amusement park ..."

J.R.: The Last House on the Left! Bah gawd, the humanity!

W.W.: I'm damn glad that Toity knows our fanbase. The only way to finish off three weeks off brutal misery and soul-crushing destruction that took a chunk out of this shitty little country is to finish it off is with the Last House on the Left! This was the match that made the Supreme Court attempt to try James Brock McHarris before he suddenly burst through American flag draped on the court wall, riding Justice John Paul Steven's mother's corpse like a surfboard, and then beating the holy fucking shit out of everyone there.

J.R.: They say the Supreme Court was too afraid to ever punish Mr. McHarris again in fear of a sudden, very violent and extremely hardcore retaliation.

Outside the Tokyo Dome we see the Tokyo Dome City Amusement Park draped in a giant cloud of smoke and strobe lights and shit. A dark silhouette rises up from the ground.

J.R.: This marks the first Last House on the Left not on one of Earth's poles. However, Baron Hoity von Toity assures that when this house inevitably plummets into the Earth, never to be seen again, it's bottomless pit will intersect the giant hole through our planet forged from the last two Last House on the Left matches. And now, it looks like-

Suddenly, the LIGHTS TURN OFF. The crowd is OBVIOUSLY EXCITED.

J.R.: Wait a minute! What's going on?

W.W.: It's not surprising that JAPAN doesn't have the ENERGY to support to the ridiculous awesomeness of an FTUW event. Jesus, this is just embarassing. Did the little bitch, Kyoto Protocol-approved power plant half-assed running this show shut down?

J.R.: I don't think that's it, Warrior. It seems-

W.W.: Fucking Christ, MY SON is IN THIS MATCH. Someone hook a goddamned exercise bike up to the power supply. If you want to power a stadium in this fucking shithole, tiny dicked, rice rice rice-

J.R.: It's THE ANT KING!

Shift-Click Here to LISTEN TO THE ANT KING'S MOTHERFUCKING MESSAGE!!

W.W.: The true American champion!

J.R.: Competing ... twice?! The Ant King has made it very clear to the FTUW that he not only wants the WORLD TITLE .... he wants to unify it with the American title! This would be a first in the FTUW, a monumental feat IF he could pull it off.

W.W.: If anyone could pull it off, it's the goddamned Ant King, Jim!

J.R.: I don't know, Warrior! Ant King is one of our most talented athlete, some would argue THE most talented athlete, but Hard'Rok nor Guan Fei are push overs.

W.W.: You mean Queerbasher.

J.R.: What?

W.W.: He's winning the belt tonight, you dick! The Ant King's display of machismo an arrogant, asshole dickery by shoving his message into our faces as our main event was beginning may have brought a tear to my eye - if I was born with the part of my brain that would allow me to express emotions other than rage - if I didn't just realize that Queerbasher is going to be the NEW CHAMPION tonight. I mean, fuck Hard'Rok, Ant King will can whip that guy's ass. But Queerbasher Warrior? No fucking way.

J.R.: You bring up a good point. Hard'Rok, also a competitor in tonight's main event, could win both BELTS meaning that The Ant King's task of uniting the belts would require him to beat only one opponent!

W.W.: That wasn't my point at all, ass. Why are you even bothering thinking about that shit? There's going to be a NEW CHAMP TONIGHT, J.R.!

J.R.: That could very well be. Now let's turn to the main event of this one event Pay-Per-View and go to THE LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT FOR THE FTUW CHAMPIONSHIP!

The ground splits apart as fog machines slowly cover the entire Tokyo Dome City Amusement Park. Through the thick smoke one can see the silhouette of some ancient Japanese castle rising up from the ground. The rumble of large tribal drums play in the background of the quaking as The Last House on the Left emerges from the Earth’s crust.

At each of the four corners stands a participant. Hard’Rok, Super Queerbasher, Impious the Prick, and Guan Fei, current FTUW champion, are all vying for the belt tonight.

J.R.: The Last House on the Left! A building designed not for shelter and comfort, but for DESTRUCTION and BLEEDING and animatronic knights trying to chop off your HEAD. It is a realm of true horror!

W.W.: And speaking about the Last House on the Left, on May 19th, FTUW films presents to you “The Last House on the Left”, a remake of the classic Wes Craven film. Except this time it’s about a satanic murderer who lures eight teenagers into his home … a mistake they’ll be too dead to forget! This movie is starring our very own Jack Masterson, so you know it’s scary!

J.R.: Last House on the Left, huh? Isn’t that the movie I read about in the newspapers? The one where the audience in the test screenings were so scared that they shit their pants, and they couldn’t stop shitting and the room filled up with shit and they drowned on their own feces, crying shitty tears over their horrific, absurd, and ultimately pointless demise?

W.W.: That’s the one, J.R.! Eight teens, one weekend, 1,000 hatchets. It’s going to be one hell of a ride!

Suddenly, Jack “The Hatchet” Masterson bursts out of a random audience member and begins spinning in a circle, tearing out the Japanese fans necks as the survivors politely clap at the display.

”MAY 19th! MAY 19th! MAY 19TH!!” MASTERSON SCREAMS, BLOOD SPRAYING ALL AROUND HIM.

J.R.: May 19th?! I wonder what that could mean!

W.W.: May 19th, that’s awfully strange. I wonder what the significance of the date May 19th has for Masterson? There’s something bizarre going on, Jim.

J.R.: May 19th. That damn Masterson … I wonder if May 19th is what made him become the tortured soul that he is? Was May 19th the day that changed him forever?

W.W.: I think we’ll be hearing more and more about this “May 19th” until that date. Then it probably won’t ever be mentioned again.

J.R.: Right.

W.W.: May 19th.

J.R.: Oh, it looks like THE LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT has finally surfaced completely in the middle of the amusement park! The competitors are in position and the match the show is ready to go on!

Hard’Rok stands outside the Last House on the Left, a chair in each hand. About ten feet behind him is Gigi and his dying master Raven, sitting in the Gothbuggy and watching from afar. Hard’Rok begins to step toward the large, lacquered door until Raven’s voice stops him.

“Hard’Rok!” Raven coughs into his hand, a little bit of blood sprinkling onto his knuckles, “Your greatest battle lies ahead. I have taught you everything I know when it comes to the Art of Chair. It’s a long-studied martial art that originated from China, probably. It was a forbidden technique that destroyed the countless lives of men who dare stood up against it. It was sealed away, my master being the only surviving practitioner of the art. When he died, I became the sole master … and now you will become-“

”Don’t say it …” Hard’Rok replies, his eyes stoically obscured with shadows.

“You will become the sole master of the art once I die,” Raven coughs harder, “I have taught you everything I know … every last move. But there’s one move I don’t want you to use, Hard’Rok.”

“What move?”

”That move.”

“Oh.”

“Yes, that one.”

“Wait, which move was that?”

“The one I taught you yesterday..”

”Why did you teach me if I can’t use it?”

“I don’t know. That’s what my master told me after he taught me it. Anyway, good luck.”

“Right!” Hard’Rok says, kicking the door open dramatically.

“Don’t use that move, Roky!” Raven screams from the Gothbuggy. Hard’Rok gives him the thumbs up and vanishes into the darkness. Raven lets out a sigh. “He’s going to use that move.”

”You probably shouldn’t have told him not to use it,” Gigi tells him, “Now he’s just going to want to use it more.”

“Yeah.”

“LISTEN UP, SHIT-FOR-BRAINS. YOU HAVEN’T MADE THE IMPACT THAT WE REQUIRE!” Kugel Brecher screams, covering Impious the chiseled-in-stone visage with spit. “TONIGHT IS THE LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT. The night THAT MOLOCH ARSCHLOCH won the FTUW CHAMPIONSHIP. And you’re GOING TO DO THE SAME, BY GOD.”

Impious drags a fat paw across his sack and scratches his nuts while BRECHER storms around outside the Last House on the Left.

“I’VE HAD IT YOU FUCKING DICK. KILL ALL OF THEM. NO EXCUSES,” BRECHER PUNCTUATES his TANTRUM with a stomp. Impious has already begun his war march towards the house, mid Brecher’s speech. As Brecher continues to foam in rage, Impious nonchalantly walks through the giant, wooden door.

Super Queerbasher approaches the house, dragging a newly forged Long, Hard Pole along the ground with him. He raises up the pole and aims it at the HOUSE. Written with red paint the LETTERS “Q-U-E-E-R” run along the stick with an arrow pointing at the end of the pole. Queerbasher closes his eyes and moves the stick around the perimeter of the door slowly, the rod trembling in his hand. Queerbasher then begins shaking the rod and making beeping noises with his mouth.

“There’s a queer in there,” Queerbasher slings the pole over his shoulder. He reaches down and produces a velvet case. Opening it up, he dabs his fingers inside the box and runs neon paint along his face in the Ultimate Warrior pattern, “And I’m gonna kill him.”

Super Queerbasher dashes forward and strikes at the door in a FLASH. A circular section of wood slides out of the door and falls on the ground. Queerbasher marches forward and attempts to squeeze through the hole but finds it too small. So instead he just uses the handle.

“If Toity wants to play this game, I’ll play it,” Guan Fei stands in front of the entrance to the house, his white orb of an eye glowing in the darkness as lightning crashes in the background. Behind him is Charles Artemis.

“Kill anyone that tries to leave this place that isn’t me,” Guan Fei tells him as he stomps forward, Killing the Dragon clenched tightly in one fist. Artemis nods as Guan Fei opens the door. “I’m tired of dealing with these fools. Their humiliating deaths, which will most likely involve anal trauma, will serve as A REMINDER TO THE FTUW FOOLS WHO IS CHAMPION.”

J.R.: And things are about to kick off! All four competitors have entered the house and are about to undertake the traditional STAGE ONE. Individual trials that they must face in order to gain the privilege of beating the shit out of each other!

Klak. Klak. Klak. The sound of Guan Fei’s sandaled feet echo in the hallway with each heavy step. He walks through pitch darkness, his single eye darting around in the darkness, looking for enemies that may be lurking. He suddenly stops, slamming the end of his spear into the ground.

”Come out, foe! I sense you lurking!” Guan Fei shouts in the darkness. Nothing responds. Guan Fei continues forward until a small, red point of light enters his vision. Continuing his journey down the dank, dark hallway, Fei’s beard hairs sense the temperature rising steadily. The red dot has grown into a glowing red doorway and Fei steps across the threshold spear in hand.

J.R.: What kind of place is this?

Fei’s shoes clank on the steel grating below him. He turns to face the large, stone dungeon set in front of him. Holes in the wall pour red-hot, liquid metal into the lake of fire below him. At the very end of the room is a STAIRCASE leading to a LARGE, METAL DOOR with a GIANT KEYHOLE forged into it. As Guan Fei surveys the magma chamber, the walls begin to TREMBLE.

W.W.: It looks like Toity is sparing no expense!

THE BRICKS on the STONE PILLARS trailing from the ceiling to the lava pit below slide down, revealing ROTATING SPEARS. THE STONE STAIRCASE leading to the door SLIDE into the ground, revealing a DUNGEON. Out from the DUNGEON emerges a massive figure, each step he takes causing the room to shake slightly. Guan Fei stands in the boiling room unfazed as the METAL CLINKING of CHAINS accompany the HEAVY STEPS.

J.R.: What the hell is that?

A GIANT HOOF comes CRASHING INTO VIEW. Soon after, TWO HORNS follow as the hulking beast approaches. OUT FROM THE DUNGEON APPEARS A FUCKING MINOTAUR, BOUND BY CHAINS. Chained to his neck is a GOLDEN KEY.

J.R.: BAH GAWD!

W.W.: HOLY SHIT! A minotaur?!

J.R.: That steer would make a mighty fine steak!

THE MINOTAUR SNORTS HEAVILY and CHARGES, but the CHAINS RESTRAIN HIM from crushing Fei. Right on cue, the HOT LIQUID METAL pours from the ceiling and onto the chains. The minotaur SCREAMS IN ANGER as the metal sears his flesh. Soon, the chains BECOME WEAK from the EXTREME TEMPERATURES and SNAP! THE MINOTAUR CHARGES FORWARD at GUAN FEI whose lip curls into a smile! The feed switches to black.

J.R.: Wait, what the hell?

W.W.: They switched the GODDAMN FEED. That’s fucking gay.

J.R.: Why?

W.W.: Probably to build suspense. Geez, now let’s see what THIS FAG is doing.

Hard’Rok cautiously walks through a COURTYARD built inside the castle, gripping each of his steel chairs tightly. Statues adorn the courtyard as the FULL MOON illuminates his path. Above him, perched on the walls of the buildings, are rows of GARGOYLES. Hard’Rok reaches the end of the courtyard to discover a LARGE DOOR, just like the one Guan Fei saw, with a keyhole jutting out from it.

As Hard’Rok scratches his head, the GARGOYLES perched on the building begin to tremble.

W.W.: Oh man, how is this shit even possible?

The stone on their SKIN cracks until it BURSTS FROM THEIR BODIES. The GROUP OF GARGOYLES fly into the sky, shrieking, as Hard’Rok’s head bolts up to see his new foes.

“Oh! Gargoyles!” Hard’Rok observes.

J.R.: The trial that Hard’Rok is facing is an interesting one! On top of, I guess, aliens, robots, demons, and zombies, gargoyles also exist in this world.

The GARGOYLES rush down in TANDEM, flying towards HARD’ROK. As one glides by, he jams his TALONS into Rok’s shoulder, tearing it open. Rok stumbles backwards and swats away two of the other WINGED CREATURES with his steel chairs. One flips in air and hovers over HARD’ROK. As Rok looks up, the GARGOYLE SPITS A VICOUS LIQUID AT ROK! Rok BLOCKS the LIQUID with his chair, instantly MELTING IT!

J.R.: And apparently gargoyles can spit acid.

HARD’ROK tosses away the smoldering STEEL CHAIR and bats another gargoyle into the ground with his other chair. THE GARGOYLES rush him again, SLASHING at his BODY, as he tries to fend them off. He charges ACROSS the GRASS as they vomit acid at him, ROK using the statues in the courtyard as protection as the GREEN LIQUID comes raining down. HARD’ROK hurls his chair like a disc, CUTTING A GARGOYLE IN HALF IN MID-AIR. As one comes swooping down, ROK dodges his attack, grabs it by the head, and FUCKING SLAMS IT FACEFIRST INTO A STATUE. The GARGOYLE EXPLODES as THE LAST GARGOYLE SPITS ACID on ROK’S BACK!

J.R.: THE ACID GOT HIM!

Smoke comes off ROK’S ARM as the acid burns into his PURPLE SKIN. He grips the wound as the GARGOYLE CIRCLES in the air, spitting more acid. THE LIQUID BURNS INTO THE STATUE OF HOITY VON TOITY that Rok is using for cover. THE ACID cuts straight through TOITY’S RETARDEDLY MUSCULAR ARM, dropping the stone in the ground. As Rok sees the GARGOYLE rounding the courtyard, he grabs the STONE ARM and HURLS IT LIKE A ROCKET. The ROCKET slams through the gargoyle’s chest so hard it inverts into an explosion of guts and blood.

Hard’Rok slumps ton against a statue, TEARING a piece of his shirt and wrapped his acid-burned arm. He turns to the GIANT DOOR and says to himself, “How am I going to open that door?” The statue behind him, which is a statue of a GIANT WINGED CREATURE by the way, begins TO SHAKE. Hard’Rok rolls away and DRAWS TWO CHAIRS as the MONSTER BURSTS FROM HIS STONE PRISON. HE SLAMS INTO HARD’ROK, CARRYING HIM until TOSSING HIM INTO THE GIANT STEEL DOOR!

W.W.: Eat that, GOTH FAG.

J.R.: The way this is going, there’s no guarantee our superstars will make it to the belt!

Hard’Rok slumps down, leaving a dent on the door, as the MAN-LIKE BEAST with HUMONGOUS BLACK WINGS LANDS IN FRONT OF HIM. ROK LOOKS UP TO SEE THE GOLDEN KEY DANGLING FROM HIS NECK. As he REACHES FOR IT, the KARASUMAN GRASPS Hard’Rok by his ARMS and GOES AIRBORNE! Hard’Rok quickly finds himself nearly THIRTY FEET ABOVE THE ARENA! Then the feed switches.

W.W.: Gay.

The FEED hones in on IMPIOUS the PRICK trudging through the CASTLE’S LIBRARY. Surrounding the German behemoth is broken glass from the shattered windows, broken furniture, and blood stains sprinkled around. There’s a few minor cuts adorning his body and a giant wolf clenched in his mighty hands. He twists the head until it SNAPS and hurls the limp body into a flag pole hanging above the banister leading to the second floor. The wolf body squeezes just barely onto the tip, four other wolves already skewered on the pole.

J.R.: Impious’ trial seems to be going smoothly.

Impious walks through the library, stepping between the numerous bookshelves. As Impious, the prick, carefully makes his way through the library, he feels a SLIGHT BREEZE on his legs. Using his super HEIGHTENED other senses, he homes in on the draft. Bringing his fingers onto the bookshelf, he runs his fingers along the binding. The tips trace along the engraving. Half the books are about war, a few others like the novelization of Doom and collections of violent, crime scene photos tells Impious that this used to be James Brock McHarris’ personal collection. Upon touching the book “How to Rape a Bear”, Impious feels the cold air blowing directly behind the book. He retrieves the text and the bookshelf slides to the side, revealing a secret passage way!

J.R.: This is a very complicated castle.

Impious walks down the steps of the castle, continuing towards the COLD CURRENT OF AIR. The pitch blackness doesn’t affect Impious, being blind and all, as he delves deeper and deeper into the BASEMENT of the CASTLE. Impious kicks a wooden door to splinters and ENTERS A INSIDEOUS LABORATORY. The Prick’s nose has already sensed the coming of a thunderstorm and rain begins to pour. Impious deduces he must be outside, feeling the cold rain against his skin as thunder crashes. Impious continues marching past the rows of TEST TUBES and TESLA COILS scattered around the room.

THE LIGHTNING PICKS UP AT THIS POINT and Impious turns his head to the skylight in the ceiling above the expansive laboratory. Bolts crash against the roof of the castle, SEVERAL METAL RODS surrounding the skylight. A LARGE BOLT STRIKES A ROD, the energy IMMEDIATELY COURSING through the wires that LEAD DIRECTLY to a GIANT SHAPE cloaked in a WHITE SHEET. The SHAPE begins to SHAKE as the electricity courses into it, the SHEET BURST INTO FLAME and TURNING TO ASH AROUND HIM. Impious stands there, stoically like a badass, as GODDAMNED FRANKENSTEIN IS REVEALED!

W.W.: What the fuck!

J.R.: IT’S A GAWD DAMNED FRANKENSTEIN!

FRANKENSTEIN rises up off his GURNEY, small bolts of electricity coursing through him and rebounding off his NECK BOLTS. He drops down onto the floor with a HEAVY THUD, standing several feet over IMPIOUS THE PRICK. Frankenstein cracks his JOINTS LOUDLY and exhales smoke as Impious stands there. Frankenstein lowers his gaze and Impious gives the finger! FRANKENSTEIN CLOTHESLINES HIM INTO A WALL.

J.R.: Bah GAWD! HE NEARLY TOOK HIS HEAD OFF!

Impious slides down the fall and lands face first into a BUNCH OF GLASS TUBES AND SHIT. Frankenstein lumbers over to the wall and lifts A MASSIVE MALLET off the wall. It drops through a table, instantly exploding it, and Frankenstein starts dragging it behind him as Impious comes to his senses. IMPIOUS LEAPS into the AIR as the MALLET CUTS THROUGH THE AIR, CREATING A SONIC BOOM WITH THE SWING, AND EXPLODING THE BRICK WALL. Impious runs along THE TABLES, crushing test tubes under his feet, and NAILS a FLYING ELBOW into Frankenstein’s FACE. Frankenstein slides back but his GRIP on the giant mallet keeps him standing. FRANKENSTEIN NAILS a THRUSTING PALM into Impious’ chest, causing him to CHOKE ON HIS TONGUE and rocketing him into SOME MACHINERY. The machinery, attached to the LIGHTNING RODS, sears Impious skin as they are still HOT from being struck by lightning.

W.W.: We should really get this guy to join the FTUW.

IMPIOUS yanks HIMSELF OFF the BOILING MACHINERY to meet a FACE FULL OF GLASS as FRANKENSTEIN GOLF SWINGS a TABLE FULL OF BEAKERS AND SHIT INTO HIM. Impious slides to one knee and spits out a mouth full of GLASS as FRANKENSTEIN LUMBERS FORWARD, GROANING AND WITH THE MALLET ABOVE HIS HEAD. The mallet leaves a CRATER in the floor as IMPIOUS ROLLS OUT OF THE WAY. Using his RETARDEDLY KEEN SENSE OF SMELL, Impious PREDICTS THE NEXT STRIKE OF LIGHTNING and GRABS THE WIRES. Leaping onto FRANKENSTEIN’S SHOULDER, HE CONNECTS THE WIRES TO HIS NECK BOLTS and back flips off. Frankenstein ATTEMPTS to STEP FORWARD but the LIGHTNING STRIKES, SENDING SEVERAL THOUSAND VOLTS INTO HIS FACE.

J.R.: BAH GAWD! IMPIOUS JUST ELECTROCUTED HIM STRAIGHT TO HELL.

Frankenstein’s CONVULSIONS but REMAINS STANDING. Impious takes a step back before FRANKENSTEIN’S MELTED EYEBALLS slide down his cheeks FOLLOWED UP BY HIS LIQUIFIED BRAIN. The staples holding the top of his skull in place melt and his head caves in. IMPIOUS, TO FINISH HIM OFF, LIFTS THE HUGE FUCKING MALLET ABOVE HIS HEAD AND SENDS IT CRASHING DOWN ON FRAKENSTEIN. BLOOD AND SHIT SPRAY EVERYWHERE.

Impious reaches down and finds the GOLDEN KEY among the remnants of Frankenstein. He grips it in his fist and finds it DAMAGED, BENT UP from the MALLET STRIKE, perhaps. He turns to the huge, metal door and just SLAMS THE MALLET INTO THE IT, THE SHEER FORCE knocking it off the goddamned hinges. Impious the Prick continues on, dragging Frankenstein’s mallet with him. The feed ends.

J.R.: The FIRST to PASS THE TRIAL is IMPIOUS THE PRICK. Now that leaves us to see what SUPER QUEERBASHER is up to!

W.W.: He’s probably already walking out with the belt! It’s time to break out the HARD LIQUOR and PROSTITUTES.

The feed switches to SUPER QUEERBASHER, strolling through A LARGE DINING ROOM with his Long, Hard Pole resting on his shoulder. On the retardedly long dining table sits a feast. As Queerbasher makes his way to across the room, he tears a shank of meat from the table and shoves it into his mouth.

J.R.: Queerbasher’s trial seems pretty lax compared to the others.

W.W.: Don’t jump to conclusions, J.R. I’m sure some half-dragon, zombie ninjas or something will burst out of the rack of lamb any second.

As Super Queerbasher makes it to huge door with the giant keyhole stuck in the center, the DOOR OPENS BY ITSELF.

J.R.: What the hell?

Out from the door appears a pale, basically NAKED WOMAN with huge tits. Draped over her is some sort of translucent red CLOAK. She slides towards the stunned Queerbasher, her RED HAIR FLOWING UNNATURALLY IN THE AIR.

J.R.: What kind of trial is this?

The NAKED SLUT begins MAKING OUT WITH THE STUNNED QUEERBASHER, pawing at his SCHLONG. Quickly, she yanks down his pants and begins SLURPING UP ON HIS DICK in the middle of the damn castle.

J.R.: While Guan Fei fights a minotaur and Hard’Rok is being carried away by a demon, Queerbasher is getting, PARDON MY FRENCH, his COCK SUCKED.

W.W.: Queerbasher was always weak for PUSSY, JIM. If he sets his sights on a hot piece of ass, he’s gotta BANG THE SHIT OUT OF THERE, it’s in his BLOOD. It’s my fault, really.

While the WHORE is SLOBBING ON HIS KNOB LIKE CORN ON THE COB, she takes the LIMP MEAT out of her mouth. She looks up and asks “What’s wrong?” in some whorey, seductive tone. SHE SEES QUEERBASHER STANDING RIGID, HIS HAND SQUEEZING HIS LONG, HARD POLE TIGHTLY, A FEW TEARS ROLLING DOWN HIS CHEEKS AS HE BITES HIS BOTTOM LIP. The whore is understandably surprised.

“K-K-K-K …” Queerbasher says, choking on his tears. The WHORE sits there, dick in her hand, confused.

J.R.: What’s happening to QUEERBASHER? Is he … crying?

W.W.: OBVIOUSLY NOT. THAT’S RAIN.

J.R.: But it’s not-

W.W.: RAIN, JIM, RAIN YOU MOTHERFUCKER.

“K-K-K-K …” Queerbasher mutters, tears dripping down his chin, “K-K-K-QUEEEEEEEERRRR!!”

SUPER QUEERBASHER BEGINS HOWLING AND GRABS THE FUCKING SLUT BY THE BACK OF HER HAIR AND DRIVES HER HEADFIRST INTO THE BANQUET TABLE.

“QUEEEEEEER!!” QUEERBASHER SCREAMS AGAIN, DRIVING HER THROUGH THE TRAYS OF FOOD, CHARGING BESIDE THE TABLE WITH HIS PANTS AROUND HIS ANKLES. AT THE END OF THE TABLE, QUEERBASHER HURLS THE BITCH INTO A TALL CANDLEHOLDER, CAUSING HER TO CRASH THROUGH IT AND SPILLING COINS EVERYWHERE.

J.R.: Well, it seems Queerbasher has just beaten the shit out of the woman sucking his dick.

W.W.: F-Fuck … fuck …

QUEERBASHER STANDS THERE, HUNCHED OVER, PANTING. HE BEGINS FREAKING OUT FURTHER, SLAMMING HIS POLE INTO THE TABLE AND BASICALLY TRASHING THE PLACE. Suddenly, THE RIGHT SIDE OF HIS BODY IS FILLED WITH NUMEROUS LITTLE PRICKS. One hundred little, red dots on the right side of his body begin to leak blood. Queerbasher turns to see the BITCH HE TOSSED HOVERING IN THE AIR, her body NOW CLAD IN A BLACK, EXO-SKELETON LIKE ARMOR (except for ass, cunt, and tits, of course).

J.R.: IT’S A GAWD DAMNED SUCCUBUS!

W.W.: OF COURSE! T-That’s why he ATTACKED HER! MY BOY’S A GENIUS!

“I can’t believe you saw through my trap!” the SUCCUBUS HISSES as Queerbasher stands there, confused. Queerbasher SNAPS BACK INTO REALITY, wipes away his tears, and takes a FIGHTING STANCE.

BLACK SPIKES EMERGE FROM HER BODY and FIRE OFF as NEEDLES. Queerbasher swats away what he can but his chest is pierced by the inky DARKNESS. The blow knocks him over the TABLE, his SUPER STEROIDIZED BODY SLOPPING AROUND IN YAMS AND SUCH. The SUCCUBUS legs transform into a BLACK DRILL and she begins PSYCHO CRUSHERING AT QUEERBASHER at HIGH SPEEDS. Queerbasher leaps to his feet and blocks the SPINNING DRILL with his POLE.

J.R.: How can Queerbasher hope to defeat a foe who can transform their body into various POWER TOOLS?

W.W.: She’s a fucking woman, Jim. Get a grip. THIS IS NO CHALLENGE FOR QUEERBASHER WARRIOR.

Queerbasher parries the DRILL ATTACK and slams his fucking POLE RIGHT IN HER FACE. The Succubus slides across the table from the blow as Queerbasher MARCHES TOWARDS HER. With a demonic look in his eye, HE IMPALES HER THROUGH THE NECK with HIS LONG, HARD POLE, sending a spray of blood into the air. Then he takes a ham and shoves it up her twat.

J.R.: And, uh, Queerbasher has killed the SUCCUBUS and completed the trial!

SUDDENLY, HARD’ROK AND KARASUMAN BURST THROUGH THE TEN-FOOT TALL WINDOW AND FLY INTO THE DINING ROOM. HARD’ROK, choking KARASUMAN WITH A STEEL CHAIR, CRASHES HIM INTO A PORTRAIT OF JAMES BROCK MCHARRIS EXPLORING THE AMAZON AND FENDING OFF A PACK OF TIGERS BY SHOWING THEM HIS PENIS.

W.W.: FUCKING HARD’ROK! If only the feed didn’t keep switching right when cool shit was happening!

Karasuman RAISES HIS HEAD UP from THE GROUND only to have it SPLATTERED BY TWO CHAIRS COLLIDING WITH HIS FACE AT THE SAME TIME. Hard’Rok wipes the SWEAT FROM HIS HORNED BROW and turns to see QUEERBASHER standing over the naked corpse of a woman with a HAM JUTTING FROM HER VAGINA.

“I’m glad to see weird things aren’t just happening to me,” Hard’Rok approaches Queerbasher, swinging the GOLDEN KEY in his hand. “Anyway, wanna go kick Guan Fei’s ass?”

QUEERBASHER IMMEDIATELY SPRINGS ON HIM, SWINGING DOWN HIS POLE LIKE A SWORD. Hard’Rok blocks the STRIKE with a STEEL CHAIR.

“Come on. I just fought a bunch of gargoyles and you fought a woman with a ham growing out of her vagina. Can’t we just team up for a little while?” Hard’Rok offers with a smile. The repeated STRIKES from the LONG, HARD POLE to ROK’S STEEL CHAIR, nearly obliterating it, serve as his answer!

J.R.: Hard’Rok nor Queerbasher have made it past their trials yet they have managed to begin FIGHTING IT OUT!

W.W.: That fucking HARD’ROK FAGGOT. HE’S ROBBING QUEERBASHER OF HIS BELT!

THE FEED SUDDENLY SWITCHES TO GUAN FEI SLAMMING into a SPEARED COLUMN, tearing up his ARM. The MINOTAUR he’s FACING PLOWS HIM STRAIGHT INTO A WALL, Guan Fei only KEEPING HIS LIFE by GRAPPING onto the BEAST’S HORNS so they don’t DRIVE DEEP INTO HIS CHEST.

J.R.: Guan Fei is still battling it out with the mythical MINOTAUR, not seeming to gain much ground!

The minotaur lowers the chains attached the shackles on his wrists into the BOILING MAGMA BELOW HIM. He YANKS them from the FIRE, SUPER-HEATED, and WHIPS GUAN FEI! Fei’s KILLING THE DRAGON CANNOT COMPLETELY PROTECT HIM and the THE LINKS OF RED-HOT STEEL CRASH INTO HIS BODY. Fei grunts as the links BRAND HIS BODY.

J.R.: COULD OUR CHAMPION SEE THE END OF HIS REIGN AND LIFE BEFORE HE CAN EVEN FIGHT HIS OPPONENTS?!

“Foul demon!” Guan Fei curses as a CHAIN PATTERN is burned into his arm, “I WILL STAB YOU THROUGH THE FACE AND DEFILE YOUR COW DAUGHTERS WITH MY HEAVENLY GENITALS!”

The MINOTAUR SCREAMS in RAGE and charges FORWARD, ready to SKEWER THE FTUW CHAMPION! As the MINOTAUR CLOSES IN ON HIM, GUAN FEI RAISES KILLING THE DRAGON. THE MINOTAUR CRASHES INTO THE MINISTER OF BEARDS AND JAMS HIS HORNS INTO HIS CHEST!

J.R.: BAH GAWD! BAH GAWD! GUAN FEI JUST GOT BORED TA HELLLL!!

GUAN FEI NINJA FLIPS FORWARDS to REVEAL HE IS NOT INJURED AND THAT HIS BEARD ABSORBED THE BLOW. Tearing his MIGHTY CHIN-MANE from his FACE, he rolls onto of the MINOTAUR and it drives his FOLICLES INTO THE WALL. Guan Fei JAMS his SPEAR INTO THE SPINE of THE MINOTAUR. THE BULL MONSTER begins THRASING as GUAN FEI RIDES THE CREATURE as it BUCKS AROUND THE ROOM.

W.W.: FUCK!

Using the SPEAR to STEER THE BULL, he drives the monster into a BRICK WALL. GUAN FEI PULLS BACK THE HORNS so the LIQUID METAL SPEWING FROM THE HOLE BATHES THE MINOTAUR’S FACE. THE MINOTAUR SCREAMS IN HORROR AS ITS EYES EXPLODE AND HIS SKIN IS REPLACED BY STEEL!

J.R.: BAH GAWD!

The MINOTAUR tosses GUAN FEI into a SPINNING BLADE COLUMN, SLASHING THE CHAMPION’S BACK. The MINOTAUR crashes from WALL TO WALL, freaking the FUCK OUT with his FACE transformed into metal and a SPEAR sticking out of his back. Guan Fei stands up and stares at the DYING MONSTER. In it DEATH THROES, it CHARGES TOWARDS GUAN FEI and attempts to BORE HIM. FEI, his BEARD NOT COMPLETELY REGROWN YET, GRABS HIS HORNS AND ATTEMPTS TO STOP HIS CHARGE! However, Fei is driven across the ROOM by the BEAST’S MIGHT! Guan Fei turns around to see he’s heading for A SPOUT OF LIQUID METAL!

J.R.: That bull is gonna kill him!

GUAN FEI”S SANDLES EXPLODE OFF HIS FEET and he BEGINS DIGGING HIS TOES INTO THE STEEL GRATING BELOW HIM. AS BLOOD SPURTS FROM HIS FEET HIS HORIZONTAL MOVEMENT STOPS, GUAN FEI SUCCESSFULLY WRANGLING THE MINOTAUR! THEN HE FUCKING POWERBOMBS HIM!!

W.W.: SHIT! HE POWERBOMBED THE MINOTAUR SHIT!

THE MINOTAUR CRASHES THROUGH THE GRATING AND PLUNGES INTO THE FIERY MAGMA BELOW! THE MINOTAUR GRABS A BLADED COLUMN AS HIS LOWER HALF IS ERASED FROM EXISTENCE BY THE UNYIELDING HEAT. As Guan Fei watches his opponent burn alive, the MINOTAUR DESPERATELY GRABS ONTO GUAN FEI! Guan Fei SCREAMS IN HORROR AS THE MINOTAUR PULLS HIM INTO THE HOT MAGMA! LAVA SPLASHES ONTO THE CAMERA AND THE FEED CUTS OUT JUST AS GUAN FEI VANISHES INTO THE FIRE!

J.R.: BAH GAWD BAH GAAAWD!! GUAN FEI IS DEAD! GUAN FEI IS DEAD!

W.W.: FUCK! FUCK! THIS IS SO GREAT!

J.R.: JESUS, DESPITE HOW I FEEL ABOUT HIM, WE JUST WATCHED GUAN FEI GET BURNED ALIVE BY LAVA!

W.W.: EXACTLY! THAT FUCKING CHINK ASSHOLE FAGGOT IS NO LONGER AROUND! MY BOY IS ONE STEP CLOSER TO THE BELT!

Impious stands in the MAIN HALL, looking (or, I guess, sensing) up at the FTUW CHAMPIONSHIP encased in GLASS and hanging from the ceiling. As he ponders how he’s going to get up there, the STEEL DOOR IN FRONT OF HIM BURSTS OFF THE HINGES AND FLIES LIKE A DISC TOWARDS HIM. He leaps over the CRUSHED STEEL to SEE Hard’Rok sliding on HIS BACK ACROSS THE RED CARPET, the STEEL CHAIR he’s clutching in his hands nearly INVERTED from the BLOW IT SUFFERED. QUEERBASHER stands in the DOORWAY, HIS LONG, HARD POLE SOMEWHAT CROOKED.

J.R.: THE THREE REMAINING SUPERSTARS ARE TOGETHER IN THE MAIN HALL, THE SETTING FOR THE BATTLE FOR THE BELT!

“Oh, not you, too!” Hard’Rok says looking up at Impious from his prone position. As QUEERBASHER CHARGES FORWARD, SCREAMING HIS WAR CRY OF “QUEER!” Hard’Rok rolls out of the way. IMPIOUS DASHES FORWARD, GRIPPING QUEERBASHER’S SHAFT BEFORE IT CAN SLAM DEEP INTO HIS MOUTH. QUEERBASHER PRESSES A BUTTON ON HIS POLE, CAUSING IT TO EXTEND RIGHT INTO IMPIOUS’ GULLET! IMPIOUS CRASHES THROUGH SEVERAL STATUES, the EXTENDING STEEL CARRYING HIM ACROSS THE ROOM. As the PRICK yanks the LONG, HARD POLE from his throat, HARD’ROK FLIES OUT OF NOWHERE WITH A CHAIR ABOVE HIS HEAD!

“CHAIRSHOT LEVEL TWOOO!” HE SCREAMS, SLAMMING THE STEEL INTO QUEERBASHER’S SKULL! Blood SQUIRTS OUT OF QUEERBASHER’S TEAR DUCTS FROM THE IMPACT, ‘BASHER stumbling around as his BRAIN BOUNCES BACK AND FORTH IN HIS SKULL. Seeing HARD’ROK lining up another VICIOUS CHAIR SHOT, he deflects the ATTACK and sends the CHAIR SPIRALING from Hard’Rok’s HANDS.

“Well, geez, you knocked the chair out of my hand. What am I gonna-“ HARD’ROK instantly PRODUCES ANOTHER CHAIR and WRAPS it AROUND QUEERBASHER’S FACE. Queerbasher stumbles and swings HIS MIGHTY STICK, knocking another chair from his hands. Over and over, Queerbasher’s mighty swings KNOCK THE CHAIRS from HARD’ROK’S HAND, and over and over he grabs another one from seemingly nowhere.

W.W.: KILL THAT PURPLE QUEEN, JUNIOR!

QUEERBASHER CHARGES FORWARD and IMPALES HARD’ROK THROUGH THE GUT! As Hard’Rok HOCKS UP BLOOD, HIS BODY EXPLODES INTO A PILE OF CHAIRS! As Queerbasher EXPLODES through the chairs, HARD’ROK APPEARS BEHIND HIM.

“IT’S OVER!” Hard’Rok SHOUTS before BEING CLOTHESLINED BY IMPIOUS THE PRICK! Rok spins out of control, SLAMMING FACE FIRST into the ground and getting VICIOUS CARPET BURN. Impious turns to QUEERBASHER who is struggling to his feet!

J.R.: Hard’Rok MAY BE OUT OF IT! Queerbasher and Impious are now FIGHTING FOR THE BELT!

IMPIOUS SLAMS A SHOULDER INTO WARRIOR’S SON and SENDING HIM CAREENING INTO A PILLAR. As ‘BASHER tries to shake the CONCUSSIONS AWAY, IMPIOUS THE PRICK CONTINUES CHARGING AND BUILDING UP MOMENTUM. Queerbasher RUNS FROM IMPIOUS, leaving him to BLAST THROUGH THE PILLAR like it wasn’t there and KEEP RUNNING. Queerbasher dives from pillar to pillar as IMPIOUS obliterates them to hell.

J.R.: I’m starting to think Impious may be INVUNERABLE to all forms of punishment! I’m not sure we’ve seen him even WINCE in PAIN so far!

W.W.: Yeah yeah, what-the-fuck-ever. May I remind you of that faggot Saito? Not only did he not wince, he popped boners over pain. Now you can find him in .001% of all hamburger sold in the month of November.

As IMPIOUS CRASHES THROUGH ANOTHER PILLAR, HE FINDS QUEERBASHER ON OTHER SIDE, READY AND WAITING! BASHER SLAMS DOWN HIS STEEL POLE, DEFORMING IT OVER IMPIOUS’ SKULL. Blood splashes from the IMPACT but THAT DAMN PRICK DOESN’T STOP CHARGING! He drives through QUEERBASHER and ROCKS HIM STRAIGHT INTO THE WALL. As Queerbasher vomits up blood, Impious takes the LONG, HARD POLE wrapped around his head and tosses it aside.

J.R.: IMPIOUS MIGHT HAVE THIS WON! WE MIGHT HAVE A NEW CHAMP!

As Impious DIGS HIS FINGERS into ONE OF THE MANY COLUMNS IN THE MAIN HALL, he finds himself SOMEWHAT WEAK from all the DAMAGE HE’S RECEIVED IN THE MATCH. He SLOWLY PULLS HIMSELF TO THE TOP. He pounces from the PILLAR like a MONKEY and REACHES FOR THE BELT! However, a STEEL CHAIR CRASHES THROUGH THE GLASS AND SENDS IT DROPPING TO THE FLOOR!

Queerbasher stands below, PANTING, and catches the FALLING BELT! He’s still not out of this!

W.W.: YES! YES! GET THAT FUCKING BELT OUT OF THERE!

IMPIOUS LANDS ON THE GROUND WITH A THUD as QUEERBASHER RUSHES TOWARDS THE EXIT! Impious hurls a ROCK from a shattered PILLAR, BREAKING THE CHAIN FROM a CHANDELIER and sending it CRASHING DOWN ON QUEERBASHER. As Queerbasher climbs from the wreckage he meets a VICIOUS UPPERCUT THAT KNOCKS HIS BOTTOM FRONT TEETH FROM HIS JAW, getting him MORE IN TOUCH with his LOUSIANA ANCESTRY.

Impious DRIVES A MEATY MITT INTO HIS FACE, SQUEEZING THE SIDES OF HIS HEAD. The PRICK forces his head between HIS LEGS, PREPPING HIM FOR THE POWERBOMB, the coolest of all WRESTLING MOVES!

J.R.: HE’S GOING FOR THE POWERBOMB!

W.W.: MOVE, SON! HOW DARE YOU LET A GERMAN NUTSACK REST ON TOP OF YOUR HEAD.

“K-K-K-K-QUEEEERRRRR!!” QUEERBASHER SCREAMS, VEINS ALL OVER HIS BODY BULGING IN UNISON. He LEAPS INTO THE AIR, IMPIOUS STILL STRADDLING HIS NECK, UNTIL CRASHING STRAIGHT THROUGH A CHANDELIER AND INTO THE CEILING! IMPIOUS VOMITS UP BLOOD and BOTH MEN BEGIN FALLING.

J.R.: QUEERBASHER OVERCAME THE ODDS AND MAY HAVE JUST SENT IMPIOUS OUT OF THE MATCH!

AS THEY FALL, IMPIOUS’ SNAPS BACK TO CONSCIOUSNESS AND GRIPS QUEERBASHER BY THE FUCKING HEAD. QUEERBASHER TRIES TO BREAK THE GRIP ON HIS SKULL BUT IMPIOUS IS UNRELENTING! THE FUCKING PRICK SLAMS HIS HAND DOWN, DRIVING QUEERBASHER FUCKING FACE FIRST WITH THE GODDAMNED SACRILIGEOUS AWAKENING!

J.R.: BAH GAWD! BAH GAWD! THE SACRILIGEOUS AWAKENING! HE’S GOTTA BE DEAD!

W.W.: J-J-JUNIOR!!

Impious stands up, covered in blood and dust, and casts his non-gaze towards the FTUW CHAMPIONSHIP lying unfittingly in a pile of rubble. As he TAKES A STEP FORWARD, THE GROUND EXPLODES AND HOT MAGMA ERUPTS!

J.R.: BAAAAH GAAAWD!!

FROM THE HOT LAVA EMERGES THE GODDAMNED MINOTAUR, HIS FLESH BURNED OFF OF HIS BODY! Impious STEPS BACK IN HORROR as the MINOTAUR STEPS FORWARD, GOBS OF SKIN DRIPPING FROM HIS BODY AND FORMING POOLS ON THE CARPET. THE MINOTAUR EXTENDS A BONEY HAND TOWARDS IMPIOUS as it CRIES IN PAIN!

THEN MOTHERFUCKING GUAN FEI BURSTS FROM ITS FUCKING CHEST, JADE SPEARING IMPIOUS THE PRICK OUTTA GODDAMNED NOWHERE SHIT!!

J.R.: JADE SPEAR! JADE SP{EARAGDSKLDNG FEI’S ALIVE!

GUAN FEI STANDS UP, COVERED IN MINOTAUR ENTRAILS.

J.R.: He must have DUG INTO THE MINOTAUR’S BODY TO PROTECT HIM FROM THE HOT LAVA, I GUESS.

W.W.: Junior …

Guan Fei PICKS UP THE CHAMPIONSHIP BELT and WRAPS IT SNUGLY AROUND HIS BEARD. Immediately he KARATE KICKS THE DOOR DOWN, entering a LONG HALLWAY that LEADS TO THE EXIT! As GUAN FEI CHARGES TOWARDS THE EXIT, A TORNADO OF CHAIRS SUDDENLY APPEARS FROM NOWHERE!

J.R.: WHAT! It can’t be!

HARD’ROK APPEARS out of the CHAIR-NADO, pointing a STEEL CHAIR DRAMATICALLY at GUAN FEI!

“Sit down, relax …” Hard’Rok smiles as his SPACE VALHALLIAN blood drips down his face, “Have a SEAT.”

Guan Fei SMIRKS at Hard’Rok’s audacity.

“I just burst out of the chest of a giant bull monster,” Guan Fei says, “You’re a little bit out of my league.”

“I may have not been strong enough to take you on before,” Hard’Rok says, “But now that I have that technique, the WORLD is MINE!”

“That technique … ?”

“That technique,” HARD’ROK TELLS HIM, “Chairshot … LEVEL THREE!”

Immediately, Hard’Rok begins flexing as a POWERFUL AURA SURROUNDS HIM. Guan Fei steps back as an IMMENSE PRESSURE HITS HIM. Is this Hard’Rok’s TRUE POWER?

“Gyyyaaaaaaaaa!!” HARD’ROK BELLOWS as the CHAIRS LYING ALL AROUND HIM BEGIN TO TREMBLE. SOON THEY BEGIN LEVITATING INTO THE AIR AND SPINNING AROUND HARD’ROK!

“HERE’S TRUE POWA!!” HARD’ROK SHOUTS, FLYING INTO THE AIR AS THE CHAIRS SPIN AROUND HIM. Guan Fei shields his eyes as a BRIGHT LIGHT IS EMITTED FROM HARD’ROK’S BODY. When he takes away his arm, HARD’ROK IS RIDING IN A ROBOT … MADE OUT OF FUCKING CHAIRS.

W.W.: HOLY FUCKING FEMALE CIRCUMCISION!

J.R.: UHHH … HARD’ROK IS UH … SHIT.

”BEHOLD! OPTIMUS CHAIR! Or CHAIRTRON! Or the CHAIRZORD,” Hard’Rok says from inside his COCKPIT MADE OUT OF CHAIRS. Guan Fei rolls out of the way as a LEG MADE OUT OF STEEL CHAIRS COMES CRASHING DOWN INTO THE GROUND!

J.R.: Hard’Rok is now assaulting GUAN FEI in a GIANT ROBOT MADE OUT OF CHAIRS!

Guan Fei LEAPS FORWARD but OPTIMUS CHAIR SWATS HIM INTO THE WALL. As Guan Fei slides down to the floor, HARD’ROK has his ROBOT FIRE STEEL CHAIRS FROM THE ROBOT’S FISTS. Guan Fei ENDURES THE BLIZZARD OF STEEL, HUNDREDS OF BRUISES FORMING ON HIS BODY.

“B-Bastard!” Guan Fei chokes out. HE DIVES FROM THE PILE OF CHAIRS HE WAS BURIED IN and DEFTLY DODGES the SPINNING FURNITURE as it CRASHES ALL AROUND HIM. “I ONLY HAVE TO ESCAPE! I DON’T HAVE TO BEAT HIM!” GUAN FEI THINKS TO HIMSELF. As he approaches the door, OPTIMUS CHAIR KNEELS DOWN and SLAMS HIS FISTS INTO THE GROUND, causing a WALL OF STEEL CHAIRS TO RISE UP IN FRONT OF THE EXIT.

“There’s no escape!” Hard’Rok shouts. Guan Fei spins around, CLENCHING HIS FIST.

”IF YOU WANT TO FIGHT THEN WE SHALL FIGHT,” Guan Fei slams a foot into the ground, “I’ll crush you with my latest TECHNIQUES, FOOL!”

Hard’Rok sits there in his giant chair robot while GUAN FEI SQUATS DOWN AND GRUNTS FURIOUSLY. THE IMMENSE ENERGY EMANATING FROM HIS BODY DISTORTS THE AREA AROUND HIM. Hard’Rok is fearful of this new attack but isn’t so rude as to attack him during his powering up sequence.

“BEHOLD! BEARDORAH!” GUAN FEI SCREAMS, HIS MANLY CHIN HAIR SPROUTING FROM HIS FACE LIKE SENTIENT TENTACLES LIKE IN SO MANY HENTAI RAPE VIDEOS. THE BEARD WRAPS AROUND HIS BODY, GROWING LARGER AND LARGER UNTIL FORMING THE SHAPE OF A GIANT ROBOT! GUAN FEI’S HEAD, PEAKING OUT AT THE TOP, BEGINS TO LAUGH.

W.W.: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?! SERIOUSLY.

J.R.: GUAN FEI HAS, GOD, FEI HAS MADE A ROBOT OUT OF HIS, fuck, HIS BEARD.

“YOUR FATE IS SEALED, HARD’ROK!”

SUDDENLY, THE LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT EXPLODES AS HARD’ROK IN OPTIMUS CHAIR AND GUAN FEI IN BEARDORAH!

J.R.: Until Guan Fei sets his REAL FEET on the ground with the BELT IN HIS POSSESSION, he cannot win this match!

THE TWO GIANT ROBOTS COLLIDE, SLAMMING THEIR MIGHTY FISTS INTO EACH OTHER. Optimus Chair sends BEARDORAH STAGGERING BACK THROUGH SEVERAL ORPHANAGES WITH A WELL-PLACED CHAIR FLURRY. Beardorah RETALIATES BY WRAPPING HIS HAIRY ARMS AROUND CHAIR’S BODY THEN SLAMS HIM THROUGH A SKYSCRAPER!

J.R.: It’s a sad, sad turn of events that Tokyo was just rebuilt yesterday.

“ONE BILLION NEEDLES!” GUAN FEI SCREAMS AS BILLIONS OF HAIR FOLICLES FIRE OFF FROM HIS ROBOT BODY. Optimus Chair BLOCKS THE HAIRS as they are sent colliding through buildings, impaling hundreds and hundreds of civilians.

“Oh, man! My power is fading!” Hard’Rok says as he pulls on the numerous chairs that act as the complicated controls for Optimus Chair. “I have to use the MOST POWERFUL TECHNIQUE. ZABUTON, I CALL ON YOU!

HARD’ROK SLAMS A TINY RED CHAIR BUTTON ON THE CONTROL PANEL. OPTIMUS CHAIR RAISES HIS METALLIC FIST TO THE SKY.

“THREE! TWO! ONE! LET’S DO IT!” Hard’Rok shouts. A BOLT OF LIGHTNING FLIES OUT OF NOWHERE and STRIKES OPTIMUS CHAIR’S FIST. THE LIGHTNING MATERIALIZES INTO A GIANT, ELECTRIC STEEL CHAIR.

J.R.: Wow.

“IT’S OVER!” OPTIMUS CHAIR STEPS FORWARD, SWINGING THE ZABUTON. A GIANT WAVE OF ENERGY CUTS THROUGH BEARDORAH, SENDING AN ARTERIAL SPRAY OF HAIR INTO THE SKY.

“D-D-DAMN YOU, HARD’ROK!” GUAN FEI SCREAMS. BEARDORAH SLOWLY SLIDES APART AS FIREWORKS GO OFF ON HIS CHEST AND NUMEROUS BUILDINGS BEHIND HIM EXPLODE.

In its DYING MOMENTS, Beardorah EXTENDS AN ARM AND GRIPS OPTIMUS CHAIR BY THE THROAT. As BEARDORAH’S BODY COLLAPSES IN ON ITSELF, GUAN FEI BURSTS OUT OF THE ARM WITH KILLING THE DRAGON CLUTCHED IN HIS HANDS.

“GRAAAAAAAAAH!!” GUAN FEI SCREAMS.

”NO! OPTIMUS CHAIR IS OUT OF POWER!” HARD’ROK SAYS, PULLING CHAIR-SHAPED LEVELS AND SUCH FRANTICALLY.

KILLING THE DRAGON JAMS THROUGH HARD’ROK’S CHEST, KNOCKING HIM CLEAR THROUGH HIS CHAIR ROBOT AND SENDING HIM INTO THE AIR! GUAN FEI CONTINUES TO SCREAM, BLOOD SPURTING FROM HIS WOUNDS AS THEY DESCEND TO THE GROUND.

”I have to … I have to …” Hard’Rok chokes out as PLUMMETS TOWARDS THE EARTH, A SPEAR IN HIS CHEST, “I have to …”

GUAN FEI AND HARD’ROK CRASH THROUGH THREE ELECTRIC BILLBOARDS BEFORE CRASHING THROUGH A DOUBLE DECKER BUS, KILLING EVERYONE IN INSIDE FROM AN ACUTE CASE OF MINDBLOWING AWESOMENESS. Guan Fei falls in a heap onto the cold concrete of Tokyo’s streets, the belt in his hand.

J.R.: THAT’S IT! GUAN FEI RETAINS THE BELT! GUAN FEI WINS! IT’S OVER! SEE YOU FOLKS NEXT TIME!

FTUW 2006. All Rights Reserved.
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