Dragon Ball Z Uncensored

[Ryoko's Biatch]

New York City, New York. The camera pans streets packed with flesh. Men in military uniforms armed with assault rifles carefully lead in the thriving crowds into Madison Square Garden. The governor of New York has gone against the President's wishes and allowed an FTUW event within U.S. territory. For kilometers in all directions is a massive, pulsing pool of humanity. All ushering towards the most important event in recent history. Extreme Hardcore: Fuck You 2006. The place where men come to test their souls.

All around the world people sit breathless at their TVs, counting down the minutes until once again, like every month, human life will be devalued. Armed security guards in robotic suits of armor check tickets. Some fans are already suffering from alcohol poisoning. A few men are even dead in line, their bodies ravaged by vultures looking for an extra ticket. One fan without a ticket makes a mad dash to the entrance only to have his head knocked off with a giant, electric mace wielded by FTUW staff.

Hovering over the crowd are several choppers on way from an aircraft carrier sitting in the Manhattan Bay. On board are the world's celebrities. Above the choppers is what can be described as a PLATIGOLD SPACE-AIRSHIP studded with diamonds. On board is the Trembulator being fanned with crystallized, baby space dragon wings. The FTUW arena is where social classes mix. McHarris believes it key to the FTUW spirit to allow in the seediest, trashiest individuals to start fights in the crowd to keep everyone entertained in between bouts.

Above the seating, in the V.I.P. box, stands a man pressing against the class, watching the crowd slowly fill the arena. A stereo in the room plays Beethoven's Symphony No. 9 as the man watches with great interest at the teeming life slowly squashing together. Many fans attempt to bum rush the ringside seating, wrongly thinking that getting there first will ensure their spot, only to be gunned down by ringside turrets. The glass of the V.I.P. box begins to fog up with hot breath. The man takes his hands off the glass and digs them into his shoulders, causing himself to bleed. A slow, stilted, choking noise can be heard as the fingers dig deeper into his flesh. It sounds almost like crying.

A few tears begin to roll down the man's cheeks. The camera pans out to reveal that this is James Brock McHarris, standing in the V.I.P. box completely naked and with a herculean boner. His face is bright red and warped with some unimaginable, McHarris-exclusive emotion.

"F ... fuck ... fu ... shit ... god ... kck ... guh ... fuck"

McHarris does everything in his power to contain is overwhelming joy. In the corner of the room is seventeen dead prostitutes, some stuck to the wall with Brock's seed, the result of several failed attempts by the FTUW owner to soothe his boiling blood. In his mind, he does everything in his power not to think about it. Not to think of that word.

D'Lo.

As that name bursts for the forefront of his consciousness, the area surrounding Brock McHarris begins warping with heat distortion. Steam slowly rises off his pulsing back as he claws at his skin. Blood begins to squirt from the wounds but McHarris doesn't even notice.

The door creaks open. Cautiously, a pretty blonde head peaks in. McHarris' turns his head slowly and reveals to her the true, unbridled visage of JOYOUS MURDERFUCK INSANITY. She attempts to run but it's too late. For her, she might as well be raped by a dozen bears. In her last moments of life, as McHarris is killing her doggy-style, the camera zooms into her AGONIZED FACE as she's in her death throes. She vomits up a river of blood that CRASHES INTO THE TELEVISION screen, forming the WORDS "EXTREME HARDCORE." A second later, McHarris grunts and a brother river of HIS DNA comes OUT OF HER GULLET and hits the camera. "FUCK YOU", it says.

FTUW Entertainment 2006. All Rights Reserved.

The camera pans across Madison Square Garden as fans go balistic. The cheers grow more and more deafening as the seconds pass. THIS IS EXTREME HARDCORE 2006, THE MOST ANTICIPATED EVENT IN MODERN WRESTLING HISTORY. No, the history of the whole goddamned human race! The fans are so excited that they can't even kill themselves, they just stand, shaking and touching their genitals, yelling because they don't know how to express the AWESOMENESS they're experiencing any other way except with guttural sounds that man has not made in the millions of years since the invention of language. The camera focuses in on one fan whose fist is mere millimeters from his face, but he's pulling it away with the other hand. He can't bring harm upon his earthly vessel, not while he's this close to Extreme Hardcore 2006.

J.R.: Welcome, everybody, this is Good Ol' J.R., here in Madison Square Garden in the Big Apple, New York City, New York. If you've been with us from the beginning, you know this is the site of the very first FTUW Pay-Per-View event, Extreme Hardcore: Fuck You. Now, we've gone through a lot in this past year. We've lost friends and some of the best damn sports entertainers in the business, not to mention the thousands of fans around the world. So in their honor, we dedicate this retrospective, a memorial to those who are no longer with us, who we owe a great deal of gratitude to, for making this all possible. Roll the film.

McHarris: It’s been quite a journey to get here, to get all of you in these seats. People said that FTUW couldn’t be done! People said that the athletes you’ll see here tonight were too cynical to compete here tonight! Well I am DAMN proud to say that Ticketmaster says differently! That merchandise sales say differently! That the heart, fire and intensity of every one of our young competitors say differently! And most of all, that the thunderous sound of the applause of all you people DEFINITELY fucking says differently!!

The crowd is in a HYSTERICAL FRENZY OF APPLAUSE.

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Handsomus: I’d advise anybody who doesn’t feel like dying tonight to cover their ears...

The surrounding FTUW officials take his warning seriously, as do the boys in the back. Van Halen and David Lee Roth follow suit, and so does the audience. Most of the audience, for there are a few here and there who realize now that this is truly the only way to go. They stick their heads forward, their loved ones powerless to stop them, and wait for the music to play.

Ooka Jooka somehow gets to his feet, the fire is extinguished but he is left armless... and unable to cover his ears!! As Handsomus plays, the notes of a million cosmoses fill his head... Ooka Jooka screams, he desperately tries to maneuver his own feet to the sides of his face. He digs his head into the ground, but it is no use. He swallows and stands up, looking at Handsomus, watching him play, and he begins to cry. As he does so, his head swells, like a balloon, and he cries out once more in that African tongue and then is no more. His head has popped, his brain matter splattered about the crater, some landing on Handsomus himself, who continues playing.

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Krystál: “That’s enough foreplay, my dear. Now taste the main event!”

Krystál drops Queerbasher’s sweatpants and shoves the pole up his anus. As it is shoved deeper and deeper up his colon, Queerbasher bawls his eyes out and yet smiles slightly.

Queerbasher: “Q…queer…”

Krystál: “That’s right, you’re nothing but a huge queer!”

Krystál shoves the pole deeper and it giggling it around with a smirk on his face. Suddenly, Queerbasher loses control of his bowels and the shit flies through the hollow pole and hits Krystál in the face like a cannon. Krystál begins to cry like a little girl and runs to his assistants.

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WHILE HOVERING IN MID-AIR, Jonesie pulls out a bottle of rums and gulps some down.

"I be drinkin' to your death, swabby. Aye, I'll also be takin' these," he says while snatching away ROCK'S EMERALD EYES.

JONESIE PUNCTUATES THE ATTACK WITH A FINAL STOMP. This sends ROCK CAREENING STRAIGHT DOWN TO THE RING, IMPALING HIM ON A RING POST. He begins quivering violently and FINALLY EXPLODES INTO A GEYSER OF ROT AND BLOOD, showering the arena.

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Queerbasher: What, I….I can’t….move!
(A series of wires and tiny blowtorches and such slither out of Theldorrin’s missing shoulder socket. Queerbasher’s metallic skeleton is being eaten away by the wiring as Theldorrin’s missing arm and damaged joints begin to reform.)

Queerbasher: What…are you….doing!?...

Theldorrin: Nanotechnology combined with self-replication. All it needs is raw material to work from.

(Soon Queerbasher is just a spine and head and Theldorrin has completely repaired himself. Theldorrin stands up and picks up Queerbasher’s skull and some of his spine.)

Queerbasher: You…Fucking…QUEEEEERRRRR!!!!

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Theldorrin jumps from the doorway of the tower room off the roof and to the outside of the house with the belt in hand. However just before his feet reach the ground he is SLAM TACKLED out of mid-air by Handsomus! The two keep flying parallel to the ground and Handsomus positions THELDORRIN so that Theldorrin’s legs are at Handsomus’ head. He holds tightly around Theldorrin’s stomach as the two SLAM INTO THE SIDE OF A FUCKING MOUNTAIN!!!!

JR: INTERGALACTIC GALACTIC DRIVER!! A HORIZONTAL VARIATION ON HANDSOMUS’ SIGNATURE MOVE! WHO’D OF EVER IMAGINED!!!

Upon impact Theldorrin’s entire body contorts with his neck at the central point of impact. Theldorrin’s entire body warps and then EXPLODES into shrapnel!!!! Handsomus’ light returns to normal and he collapses to the ground on top of the World Championship belt!

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SUDDENLY, A CANE BURSTS THROUGH THE SOIL AND STRIKES LALA IN THE CHEST. Lala’s jovial and sweaty expression is SUDDENLY ONE RACKED WITH PAIN.

“Checkmate!” Toity says from UNDER THE EARTH. He bursts from the ground in a flourish and lands behind Lala as he claws at his chest.

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The large METAL DEVICE IS ATTACHED TO DANIELS’ WANG, a sort of structural cocoon. Daniels GRIPS HIS DICK AND PRESSES A BUTTON, LIGHTING A SMALL FLAME THAT IS A INCH IN FRONT OF THE TIP OF HIS DICK. Tigre starts to scream REALIZING WHAT’S HAPPENING AS DANIELS UNLEASHES A MIGHTY STREAM OF URINE. HIS URINE, SO SATURATED WITH THE EXPLOSIVE ULTRAHOL, TRANSFORMS FROM A YELLOW RIVER INTO A TORNADO OF FIRE! Tigre is BATHED IN FLAME FROM HEAD TO TOE, AS WELL AS THE SURROUND FOREST. Tigre is quickly turned to ASH as Daniels walks away from the burning forest, dick swinging.

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Knowing it's too late for him, he decides he must do the noble thing, he has to save the earth. A supernova would kill everyone and every thing on the planet. As a final thanks to his adopted home, he pulls out Starstruck and flies into the sky. For the first time in his life, tears run down his face. If only he could have done more for the earthlings. And now he's abandoned them to a mass murderer. It drove him crazy with anguish. He passed through the atmosphere and into deep space, praying for a miracle. But not even the coldness of space could cool his burning blood.

"Goddamn it all ..."

Handsomus R. Awesome burst into a star, instantly collapsing on itself and becoming a black hole.

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“SOUR MASHAAAAAA!!” HE SCREAMS, HEADBUTTING THELDORRIN DOWN TO THE EARTH, INCREASING BOTH OF THEIR VELOCITIES! HE GRIPS TIGHTLY AROUND THE MECHANICAL MONSTROSITY, TWIRLING LIKE A FUCKING DRILL, PREPARING FOR ONE HELL OF A GODDAMNED PILEDRIVER RIGHT THROUGH THAT FUCKING COCK! HE’S GOING TO TURN THELDORRIN INTO A FUCKING CATHETER.

J.R.: BLARRKGKKDG!
SCHIAVONE’S HEAD EXPLODES, TURNING THE WATER IN HIS JAR RED.

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“Being destroyed by your own technology,” Goldman laughs, “Prepare for … EIGHT DEADLY NIGHTS!”

Goldman AIMS THE MENORAH at Bitmask and SHOWERS HIM IN FLAMING LAMP OIL! Bitmask screams in agony as his skin is boiled on top of his skeleton.

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Ooka Jooka drags himself out from under the wrecked ring, his body a fucking mess, and smiles at his master, glad to have been saved from Sella Phayne and the goddamned Macho Man. He reaches out to Dr. Mented, who only recoils in return. "I'm sorry, Bizarro Ooka Jooka, but I can't accept this kind of failure. Goodbye." Mented pushes a button and turns around, Bizarro Fancy Lala picking him up and carrying him.

Bizarro Ooka Jooka's head explodes!

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Jonesie: Please! I give up! Just help meeeeeee!

Just then, one of the sharks devours his entire torso in one bite! Jonesie’s pathetic, lifeless head soars through the air and plops into the water. It sinks to the bottom where it is presumably devoured thereafter

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The bell keeps ringing, but now Piccolo is in the ring and he's helping the Ant King rape Corey Nguyen! Ant King is fucking his VIRGIN ASSHOLE while Piccolo continues to shit in Corey's mouth! The ref tries to break it up, but the Ant King fucking pulls out his AK-47 and kills him! Ant King keeps fucking Corey Nguyen, using Bi-Lo cheese as lubrication and firing shots into the crowd with every thrust, killing dozens and wounding dozens more. Finally, Corey dies from having his rectum destroyed and the Ant King and Piccolo go backstage.

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A spotlight FOCUSES ON THE RAFTERS. Confetti gently floats down from the CEILING. BEING LOWERED IS NONE OTHER THAN TONY SCHIAVONE, PLUS BODY!

J.R.: It happened! Tony Schiavone is alive again! It's a miracle!

TONY FUCKING SCHIAVONE raises a MICROPHONE TO HIS MOUTH as he descends towards the ring.

"Ladies and gentleman, it is a GREAT HONOR to be BROUGHT BACK FROM HELL for such a momentous occassion! First, I'd like to thank-" SUDDENLY, SCHIAVONE'S WIRES SNAP! Schiavone PLUMMETS TOWARDS THE AT HIGH SPEEDS, FUCKING SLAMMING HIS HEAD ON A TURNBUCKLE! It instantly DECAPITATES HIM, his head spinning in air! The head lands in the CROWD and the fans begins bouncing IT AROUND, FROM FAN TO FAN.

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The sudden CRASH causes THE SUSPENSION WIRES TO SNAP! They come DOWN LIKE WHIPS, TEARING CARS IN HALF AS EASILY AS CIVILIANS! THE SUDDEN JOLT CAUSES MACHO MAN TO INHALE SOME OF THE GUNPOWDER! WITH A MIGHTY SNEEZE, HE BLOWS THE GUNPOWDER AT PHAYNE! THE GUNPOWDER PASSES PHAYNE’S LIT DOOB, TURNING IT INTO A FUCKING FIREBALL! THE FIREBALL SAILS OUT THE WINDOW AND HITS FANCY LALA IN THE FACE, MELTING HIS EYE BALLS OUT OF HIS SKULL!

J.R.: I DON’T WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED BUT LALA’S HEAD IS ON FIRE! AGAIN!

MORE SUSPENSION WIRES SNAP, ONE SLICING CLEAN THROUGH LALA’S ARM, SEVERING IT! LALA CRIES IN AGONY BEFORE FALLING BACKWARDS, OFF THE MANHATTAN BRIDGE! A GIANT GEYSER OF WATER EXPLODES WHEN LALA HITS THE WATER, IMMEDIATELY SINKING TO THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN.

“S-Shit,” Phayne says in disbelief. THE BRIDGE BEGINS TO COLLAPSE at the IMPACT POINT! Phayne PUTS THE CAR IN REVERSE, DRIVING BACKWARDS THROUGH ALL THE PEOPLE TRYING TO ESCAPE. Macho Man and Phayne make it off the bridge just before it collapses.

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“Lala proved himself to worthy, finally,” Lala smiles. He begins to hobble off until a SHROUDED FIGURE APPROACHES HIM. Beside him is a woman, SELENA.

“Selena, what the hell are you doing here,” Mented asks, “And who is this?”

SUDDENLY, A GUNSHOT! Mented collapses onto the city street as the SHROUDED FIGURE holds a SMOKING GUN. The figure removes his cloak to REVEAL THAT HE’S … DR. DANIEL MENTED!

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“I saved your life, remember?!” Saito screams, “You owe me!”

“I forgave you for murdering the Oyabun …” Saketumi replies, “But for what you did to my mother … THERE IS NO FORGIVENESS!”

“Eyyyaargh!” SAITO SCREAMS. A HAND PIERCES THROUGH INTO BACK AND OUT OF HIS STOMACH. Saito watches in AGONY as the HAND plunges back into the body. FROM OUT OF HIS BACK SAKETUMI PULLS OUT HIS INTESTINES. SAITO TRIES TO MOVE FURTHER BUT CAN’T FROM FEAR OF YANKING OUT HIS INTERNAL ORGANS FURTHER. Saketumi grabs him by the shoulder, SPINS HIM AROUND, AND SHOVES HIS GODDAMNED FUCKING INTESTINES DOWN HIS THROAT!!

Saito falls backwards onto a BUFFET TABLE set up for the FTUW STAFF. Saketumi delivers a MIGHTY KICK TO THE TABLE and it begins to WHEEL DOWN THE HALLWAYS AT HIGH SPEEDS. IT BURSTS THROUGH DOOR AFTER DOOR AFTER DOOR. EVENTUALLY, SAITO ENTERS A MEAT PACKING FACTORY THAT IS, FOR SOME REASON, A PART OF MADISON SQUARE GARDEN! SAITO CRASHES THE TABLE INTO SOME MACHINERY AND IS FLUNG ONTO A CONVEYOR BELT! SAITO WRIGGLES HIS STUMPS AS HE BEGINS TO MOVE DOWN THE ASSEMBLY LINE. AS SOON AS HE REALIZES WHAT’S GOING ON, HE GETS PULLED INTO THE SHREDDER AND TURNED INTO HAMBURGER!

“So this … is death …?” Saito chokes out as his body is reduced to shreds.

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In Saketumi’s hand is the FTUW Championship, his hand still clenching tightly onto its leather strap despite their no longer being life in his body.

“He still has it!” Tanaka shouts with tears streaming down his face, “He finally got what he’s always wanted! HE CAN’T BE DEAD NOW! HE’S STILL HOLDING THE BELT, KUZUKI-KUN!!”

Kuzuki continues to sob uncontrollably. Tanaka lowers Saketumi off his back and onto the dirt, shaking his collar frantically to wake him. Kuzuki lies on his hands and knees, accepting what Tanaka has refused to accept.

The camera pans up to the sky, following the flock of doves as they soar across the sky.

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McCoy looks up, just recovering now from the clothesline, and seems the ASIAN MONSTROSITY standing over the limbless corpse of Jack "The Hatchet" Masterson. McCoy begins to flee but INOKI-BABA shoots GRAPPLING HOOKS at him. McCoy screams in horror at the GRAPPLING HOOKS hurl towards him but A SHADOWY FIGURE STEPS IN THE WAY. It's his sensei, Daniel Wojehowski!

"Sensei!" McCoy shouts!

The grappling hooks pierce Wojehowski's flesh.

"You ... are not done yet! You must ... live on!" Wojehowski spits up some blood, "You will become ... the chosen one!"

"Senseiii!!"

The grappling hooks tear Wojehowski apart and Wojehowski's dismembered ass shits right in McCoy's face.

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Carlos Mencia: Hahaha! What the hell is that? That's not funny!

The giant mechanized scythe is unlatched. The huge blade swings down and impales Carlos Mencia. His intestines fly out of his mouth as he swung back and forth, shitting all over the crowd and showering the arena in shit.

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Lex slides back into the ring and begins fighting off the Cultists. There are too many to fend off, and Lex is being overrun! A D'Loist aims at Lex's head and fires! Lex ducks and the bullet goes speeding past, right at the face of the ANTONIO INOKI!

Giant Baba sees this, and using his superhuman speed, dives into the path of the bullet! The bullet enters Baba's head, directly between his eyes, and explodes the back of his cyborg skull. Inoki freezes at the site of his Brother dying before his eyes…

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Hard’Rok looks confused that Lex has managed to kick out of such a move! Lex stands up slowly, blood leaking from his head. He raises his fists, ready to continue the fight, as Hard’Rok stands stunned.

Suddenly, Lex’s head explodes in a gooey mess! In the crowd stands Lex’s friend, Marcus Vaun, clutching a smoking pistol!

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WARRIOR WARRIOR AND PUFF RYDER RACE FOR THE ROPES, PREPARING TO LEAP OVER TO THE ONE REMAINING RING! Puff Ryder leaps into the AIR but WARRIOR SNATCHES HIS ANKLE! He turns his head to see WARRIOR WARRIOR GRINNING MANIACALLY. Unfortunately for Warrior, he still hasn’t learned THAT PUFF RYDER CAN JUST TURN INTO SMOKE, WHICH HE DOES! Puff Ryder floats away as WARRIOR ATTEMPTS TO LEAP OUT OF THE RING IN THE LAST SECOND. THE RING FUCKING EXPLODES!

J.R.: SHIT! WARRIOR IS DEAD!

Puff Ryder FLOATS OVER to the RING and LOSES CONTROL OF SMOKE FORM, FALLING BUT CATCHING ONTO THE ROPE! Looking exhausted, HE HOPS INTO THE RING AS THE RAGING INFERNO that was once a RING CONTINUES BEHIND! Suddenly, he hears the sound of a SCREAMING GET PROGRESSIVELY LOUDER! PUFF RYDER TURNS HIS HEAD TO SEE THE UPPER HALF OF WARRIOR WARRIOR FALLING TOWARDS HIM, BLOOD SPRAYING FROM HIS MOUTH AS HE SHOUTS A WAR CRY OF UNIMAGINABLE HATRED!

J.R.: BAAH GAAAWD!

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James Brock McHarris walks to the ring in a fine Italian suit and some very dramatic, orchestral music playing. He climbs up the ring stairs and a referee hands him a microphone.

"We here at the FTUW are very proud of our accomplishments and we're growing larger every day! However, the FUCKING GOVERNMENT has been on our asses saying the FTUW regularly commits CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY. Hey assholes, there's no one here that doesn't want to be!"

J.R.: What a moving tribute, folks. But with that, I have a surprise for our fans. As you know, at the Royal Raping my partner in the announcer booth, Warrior Warrior, better known as the Ultimate Warrior, was killed. So, it is with great pleasure that I introduce my colleague.

80s rock blares over the PA system and spotlights focus on the entrance ramp. A large, muscular man in a Speedo walks through the curtains with a giant glass jar on his back. He steps down slowly toward the announcer's table and THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR'S TORSO IS IN THE JAR.

J.R.: WARRIOR IS BACK!

WW: You're goddamned right I'm back! You think James Brock McHarris, the greatest American of our generation, would let THE WARRIOR die at the hands of a black man? I DON'T THINK SO! So all of you queers out there in the liberal media who celebrated my death, LOOK OUT, I'M BACK!

W.W.: Can you FEEL the excitement, J.R? CAN YOU FEEL IT? The RAW, SURGING BLOODLUST! The fans can!

J.R.: I definitely can, Warrior, and it’s great to have you back. It seems that the same technology that kept Schiavone’s head alive in a jar so he could meet his contractual obligations is being used on you!

W.W.: McHarris is a goddamned genius and I owe him my life. He scooped up all my important organs and stuck me in this vat so I wouldn’t miss the most AWESOME EVENT in the history of the world.

J.R.: This indeed promises to be a night to remember, Warrior! And it’s going to kick off with our first match of the night with the debut of newcomer, Kanzaki Kenjiro and-

W.W.: Jesus, how many fucking chinks are we going to have in this federation? Don’t tell me he’s related to that guy that rubbed his dick on the turnbuckle.

J.R.: No, I’ve been told he’s the guy that jumped into the ring last Pay-Per-View and beat the shit out of Theldorrin and Goldman! Some say he may have even cost the title for Goldman.

W.W.: Oh! That man is a remarkable human being.

J.R.: And his opponent is the FIRST female wrestler in FTUW history, the Whore of Babylon.

W.W.: Give me a fucking break. A woman? I have some bad news for Betty Sue here, but the FTUW ring is where MEN test their souls, not twats. How the hell did she even pass the entrance exam?

J.R.: Actually, I heard she sucked McHarris’ dick.

W.W.: Actually, I may have to take that back. I’ve seen what McHarris does to women and if she can survive a cock-thrashing from him, she might be able to survive against in the FTUW. Maybe.

J.R.: Let’s go to Lightning who is waiting in the ring.

Lightning: Our next match is set for one fall! Coming to the ring first, weighing in at 120 pounds and hailing from NEW ORLEAAANS … THE WHOOORE OF BAAABYLOOON!

Some really shitty rock music with sounds of TIGERS ROARING dubbed over the track begins playing. With pink and yellow lights flashing on the entrance, THE WHORE OF BABYLON enters on stage covered with belts to COVER the NAUGHTY PARTS. Immediately, FANS AT RINGSIDE, transformed into RAPIST MONSTERS by the collective 300% TESTERONE INCREASE in the arena attempt to LEAN OVER the RAILING to GROPE HER. One man BEGINS FURIOUSLY JERKING OFF, hoping to nail her in the FACE with his WAD, but is beaten to death by burly rednecks due to an ERECT DICK being so close to them.

J.R.: I gotta say, she doesn’t look like much of a fighter!

As the NYMPHO makes her way to the ring, she climbs the stairs and STRADDLES the LOWEST RING ROPE SLOWLY to show off her ASS and TWAT. But since this is the FTUW and everything is more awesome than regular wrestling, she POPS OUT A TIT and begins RUBBING HER CUNT ALONG the ROPE WHILE MOANING. After about thirty seconds of this, the referee finally gets her into the ring.

Lightning: And her opponent … weighing in at 210 pounds and HAILING from TOKYO, JAPAN … “THE BURNING HEART” KAAANZAAKI KEEENJIROOO!

“Under Star” by Shocking Lemon plays as Kanzaki Kenjiro steps onto the stage. He is wearing his white JUNCTION STAR High school uniform with KNICK KNACKS adorning it, such as GOLDEN STARS and HEARTS and random rings and shit. He sort of walks down to the ring with his hands in his pockets, somewhat bored while looking up at the ring lights.

“Is this … what Saketumi saw?” Kenjiro thinks to himself.

J.R.: This fellow sure looks a lot like Saketumi, I got to say.

W.W.: All Asians look alike, J.R.

J.R.: Although I saw that coming from a mile away, I gotta say he’s damn near identical. Even the same hairstyle!

W.W.: Asians are stupid, J.R.

Kenjiro leaps onto the apron and flips over the top rope, his hands still in his pockets. The referee sounds the bell!

J.R.: And here we go.

“Ah, my English isn’t the best …” Kenjiro chooses his words, “but I don’t fight women.”

“Mmm, you’re pretty big for a Chinese!” she says, leaning over for MAXIMUM CLEAVAGE, “But you don’t have to fight me, cutie.”

“Eh?” Kenjiro replies. Suddenly, a BLACK FIGURE appears behind Kanzaki, causing him to ROLL to safety.

“That pompadour of yours. It pisses me off,” the man in the black outfit mutters.

J.R.: Bah Gawd! It’s Jack Daniels!

W.W.: Jack Daniels?! We haven’t seen him since he lost to Saketumi!

J.R.: What’s he doing here? Is he with the WHORE?!

“You … you look familiar!” Kanzaki points to him, “You! You’re the one who fought Saketumi-san!”

“I’ve done my part, I’ll be going now,” the WHORE waves while EXITING THE RING, rubbing her TWAT against the ropes a few times before stepping outside.

The referee rushes up to DANIELS and yells at him to EXIT the ring while COUNTING OUT the Whore.

“I’m not here for a match,” Daniels says, “I’m here to fight.” Daniels backhands the SHIT out of the referee, sending him clear out of the ring. Kanzaki Kenjro smiles and ADJUSTS HIS POMPADOUR.

“ALL RIGHT! Ikkei!” Kenjiro shouts, CHARGING FORWARD. As he closes in on DANIELS, he seemingly VANISHES INTO THIN AIR.

”F-Fast!” Kenjiro says, surprised. HE SPINS AROUND and sees a HEEL coming towards him. Kenjiro ducks and rolls to safety.

J.R.: And now we’re having an impromptu fight right in the ring! Daniels Vs. newcomer Kenjiro!

“That’s an immense pressure …” Kenjiro thinks to himself, “The FTUW world … it’s completely different.”

“Hey, kid, you look a little sick,” Daniels says, HOPPING FROM FOOT TO FOOT, “You gonna be OK?”

“But this is what I wanted …,” Kenjiro grins, taking a martial arts stance, “A TRUE CHALLENGE!”

Kenjiro springs forward, FISTS COCKED BACK. Daniels sways to the right and dodges a SPEEDY RIGHT and counters with a CRESCENT KICK. Kenjiro catches the FOOT and executes a DRAGON SCREW. Daniels slams into the mat and drives a FIST into KENJIRO’S CHEST, breaking his grasp. They both roll to a standing position and do the ECW STAND OFF. But since this is the FTUW and no one lost a limb, the fans don’t clap.

J.R.: These two have some amazing technical prowess.

W.W.: But that’s not what the FTUW is about. No one has even started bleeding yet!

Kenjiro springs forward again, LEAPING AHEAD with a DRAGON KICK. Daniels SIDESTEPS the LEG but KANZAKI hits the TURNBUCKLE and KICKS OFF. Using his EXTRA AIR TIME, he nails a MUAY THAI KNEE in the side of Daniels’ face. Daniels TAKES the BLOW so he can JAM A PALM into Kenjiro’s chest, knocking him into the turnbuckle.

“BINGO!” Kenjiro points to Daniels, “From this and your fight with Saketumi-san, I know your fighting style!” Daniels doesn’t seem interested, he continues to hop from foot to foot. Kenjiro springs forward, LEAPING into the air and running ALONG the ring ropes. He dives at Daniels and fires off a FLURRY of MID-AIR kicks. Daniels BLOCKS the ATTACKS and grabs his leg, WHIPPING him towards another TURNBUCKLE. Kanzaki GRACEFULLY grabs the turnbuckles and spins on it, LAUNCHING HIMSELF back at Daniels for a FEW MORE KICKS. These connect.

J.R.: Flying lariat!

The two men circle each other in the ring. As before, Kenjiro charges in first. He fires off speedy kicks and punches that Daniels blocks. Irritated, KENJIRO BACK FLIPS off the NEAREST TURNBUCKLE and EXECUTES A FLASH KICK, aiming the TOE of his FOOT for Daniels neck. However, before KENJIRO can finish the kick, HE LEAPS and GRABS KENJIRO BY THE NECK, NAILING AN IMPROMPTU STUNNER!

J.R.: STUNNER! He nailed it! The most unexpected move in wrestling history.

W.W.: That’s not true. Half the time it comes after a kick to the gut.

Kenjiro FLOPS BACKWARDS after the MID-AIR STUNNER as Daniels stands in the corner of the ring, bouncing from side to side. KENJIRO looks unconscious until he SUDDENLY SPRINGS UP, GRABBING HIS NECK.

“If you knew me so well, you would’ve known that what I’ve been showing you wasn’t my top speed,” Daniels tells him. Kenjiro stands up, wiping the sweat off his head. He stands there and PUNCHES THE SHIT OUT OF HIMSELF, nearly knocking him off his feet.

“Haha! You’re right!” Kenjiro laughs, a small bit of blood trailing from his head, “But I won’t underestimate you twice!”

Jack “Jim Beam” Daniels lowers his arms and then BURSTS FORWARD, SPRINTING TOWARDS THE MAN WITH THE BURNING HEART. Like a BLACK BLUR, he comes up to KENJIRO’S FACE in a fraction of a second. Kenjiro throws a RISING KICK but Daniels easily EVADES IT, spinning to KENJIRO’s REAR and dropping a SINGLE KNUCKLE on the TIP of his SPINE. Kenjiro’s body CONVULSES and he falls to a knee. However, he doesn’t stop his attack and TRIES A LEG SWEEP only for Jack to LEAP SLIGHTLY and NAILS Kenjiro in the face with his foot.

W.W.: He nearly knocked his slanted eyes out of his head with that one!

The Japanese tumbles backwards, stopping when he slams into the ring post. Blood drips from his nose and onto his uniform.

“Shit!” Kenjiro mutters, wiping the blood from his face, “Blood isn’t going to come out.” Kenjiro kips to his feet and begins taking off his shoes.

“What are you doing?” Daniels asks. Kenjiro looks up to him and smiles.

“These shoes aren’t suited for this ring. I bet if I take them off I can be as fast as you,” Kenjiro says. Daniels begins to reply but KENJIRO whips HIS SHOES at DANIELS. They rocket forth like BULLETS and slam into his GUARD as if Kenjiro threw rocks. As he smacks away the FOOTWEAR, Kenjiro has ALREADY ENTERED HIS RANGE. He slams a ROCKETING FIST into his RIBS, causing DANIELS TO TWIST from the ATTACK. Daniels counters with a CLOTHESLINE that Kanzaki ducks, the BURNING HEART replying with a CORKSCREW LUNGE! The ki emanating from his FIST twists the SKIN on JACK’S FACE.

J.R.: A VICIOUS RIGHT!

“This power …” Daniels thinks as his FACE CONTORTS, “… it’s like his.”

The Kentucky native stumbles back, blood spilling from his mouth, and collapses onto the turnbuckle. Kanzaki Kenjiro leaps forward and nails KICKS and PUNCHES as Daniels futilely tries to defend. KANZAKI lifts his FOOT STRAIGHT ABOVE HIS HEAD, PREPARING AN AXE KICK. Instinctively, Daniels raises his GUARD to PREPARE FOR THE IMPACT but Kenjiro changes his MOVE. HE DROPS HIS LEG and JAMS HIS BIG TOE INTO DANIEL’S FUCKING EYEBALL!

J.R.: BAH GAWD! HE TOOK HIS EYE OUT!

KENJIRO REMOVES HIS TOE and DANIELS’ eyeball HANGS OUTSIDE ITS SOCKET. In desperation, DANIELS slams his FIST DEEP INTO KENJIRO’S CHEST, causing him to SPIT UP BLOOD. As Kenjiro rockets across the ring and slams into the nearest turnbuckle, Daniels carefully puts his eye back into his head.

“You son of a bitch …” Daniels curses to Kenjiro. Kenjiro lies limply in the opposite turnbuckle, grinning. “Anything is fair in a fight!” Kenjiro laughs.

Angry, DANIELS dashes forward and jams his FISTS DEEP INTO KANZAKI’S RIBS. Kenjiro attempts to fight back but an ELBOW dropped on his SKULL PUTS a quick end to that. Now that the tables have turned and Kenjiro is on the defensive, Daniels slams every type of punch and kick he knows into Kanzaki’s body. Daniels LEAPS into the air and DRIVES A FOOT down on top of KENJIRO’S SKULL, stomping his head into the mat. Daniels grabs him by his POMPADOUR and gets into a sprinter’s stance.

“I’ll show you TRUE SPEED!” Daniels tells him. A CLOUD OF DUST BURSTS OUT FROM UNDER DANIELS’ FEET AS HE SPRINGS FORWARD. AT HIGH SPEEDS, HE DRAGS KENJIRO BY THE HAIR, GRINDING HIS FACE IN THE RING MAT. HE CIRCLES THE RING THREE TIMES, BLOOD BEGINNING TO TRAIL FROM KENJIRO’S HEAD! DANIELS IS MOVING SO FUCKING FAST THAT KENJIRO IS NOW AIRBORNE AND HAVING HIS FACE SLAMMED INTO THE TURNBUCKLE!

J.R.: DANIELS IS GOOD HIM A GOOD OL’ OKLAHOMA LYNCHING!

AFTER HE ROUNDS THE RING FOR THE THIRTEENTH TIME, HE LETS GO OF KENJIRO’S HEAD, VOLLEYING HIM FORWARD LIKE A DAMN TORPEDO. He EXITS THE RING and CRASHES INTO THE GUARD RAIL HEAD FIRST, DEFORMING THE METAL!

W.W.: I think we’ve seen the end of Kenjiro’s short-lived career!

Daniels wipes the BLOODY HAIRS stuck on his hand on one of the ring ropes. Kanzaki groggily sits up, a CRIMSON MASK covering his face, his body entangled in STEEL. A BIG GRIN covers his face.

“That really hurt … but you’ve showed me what I’ve been looking for this whole time! TRUE VIOLENCE!” Kenjiro says, PULLING his BODY from the wreckage. “I gotta be honest, I don’t think I’m strong enough to beat you as I am now. But that doesn’t mean I won’t try! My attacks aren’t strong enough as they are now.”

KENJIRO walks over to the apron and pulls himself up using the ropes. However, he doesn’t enter the ring, INSTEAD he turns to face THE CROWD. Opening his JACKET, he rips his UNDER SHIRT into shreds and lays the RIBBONs on the ropes. Then, he begins UNDOING HIS MANY BELTS and drops HIS PANTS RIGHT ON THE APRON.

J.R.: What the hell?

“HEY, AMERICA!” KENJIRO GRABS HIS DICK AND STARTS FLOPPING IT AROUND, “BEGIN SUCKING MY DICK!” HE SPINS AROUND AND SLAPS HIS ASS. “AMERICA IS THE WORST! ALL AMERICANS SMELL LIKE SHIT!”

W.W.: WHAT THE MOTHERFUCKING FUCK!

J.R.: HE’S GOING TO PISS OFF THAT CROWD. AND FOLKS, YOU DON’T WANNA MESS WITH AN FTUW CROWD!

Kenjiro turns to see a HAIL OF BEER BOTTLES coming his WAY. He leaps into the air and BREAKS with a FLURRY OF KICKS. As he lands on the apron, the SHOWER of glass falls into his hands. Carefully, he takes the RIBBONS off his shirts and TIES THE GLASS TIGHTLY TO HIS FISTS. He pulls up his pants and TURNS TO DANIELS with his BLEEDING, GLASS-FILLED FISTS.

W.W.: STOP THIS SHIT, REF!

J.R.: There is no referee! This isn’t a sanctioned match, Warrior!

KANZAKI KENJIRO leaps over the ROPES and CHARGES FORWARD. DANIELS dashes to the RIGHT but Kenjiro CORNERS HIM. He hurls a GLASS-FILLED FIST that DANIELS CAN ONLY BLOCK. But, due to the nature of it being glass, THE ATTACK STILL TEARS INTO HIS FLESH! Daniels NAILS a KNEE to Kenjiro’s face but HE BRUSHES PAST it and LANDS a FIERCE BODY BLOW! Daniels SPITS UP BLOOD as Kenjiro slams ALTERNATING HOOKS INTO HIS GUARDED BODY!

“You aren’t going 100%!” Kenjiro shouts, “Show me the power you showed SAKETUMI!”

As he CORNERS DANIELS, Kenjiro brings his fist to his sides and GATHERS UP HIS ENERGY.

“ETERNAL LOOP!” Kenjiro SCREAMS. INSTANTLY, HE LETS LOOSE MACH-SPEED PUNCHES INTO DANIELS’ GUARDED BODY. The punches NAIL FROM HIS WAIST TO HIS HEAD at such HIGH SPEEDS that he can’t block them all!

“ORAORAORAORAORAORA!!” Kanzaki screams as he CONTINUES THE ASSAULT. JACK DANIELS BODY IS COVERED IN MULTIPLE LACERATIONS.

“I’m losing too much blood …” Daniels thinks, “I have to use that power!” DANIELS SLAMS HIS FISTS TOGETHER and a FIERY BLAST EMANATES FROM HIM, DOUSING KENJIRO IN FLAMES!

J.R.: HE JUST TURNED HIM INTO BARBEQUE!

Kenjiro is KNOCKED BACK, HIS BODY COVERED IN SMOKE, as Daniels is hunched over in the corner covered in smoke.

“Damn … I thought that attack would do it …” Kenjiro says to himself while looking at his bloody hands, “Now my fists are useless …” KENJIRO throws his PALMS FORWARD and EMITS KI, BREAKING the SHRAPS OF BLOODY CLOTH AND LAUNCHED THE SHARDS OF GLASS OUT OF HIS HANDS LIKE BULLETS! Daniels waves a WALL of FIRE that deflects the GLASS.

“If you want to die so bad, I’ll finish you off now!” the SLEEVES of DANIELS’ OUTFIT immediately BURN AWAY as his ARMS IGNITE. He brings his HANDS FORWARD and CONCENTRATES THE FLAMES INTO HIS PALMS. Kenjiro looks up in HORROR as A BLAST OF FIRE SLAMS INTO HIM, CREATING A RAGING INFERNO AT HIS SIDE OF THE RING!

J.R.: BAH GAWD! HELLFIRE AND BRIMSTONE! HE BURNED HIM ALIVE!

W.W.: I want to make a joke about Hiroshima but I can’t think of any.

AS THE FLAMES SUBSIDE, that corner of the RING IS CHARRED BLACK. THE SMOKE CLEARS to reveal that a PILE OF ASH. As Daniels turns to leave the ring, he SENSES SOMETHING. HIS HEAD BOLTS UPWARD TO SEE KENJIRO FLOATING IN MID-AIR, SLOWLY DESCENDING AS HE USES HIS SCHOOL JACKET AS A PARACHUTE!

J.R.: WHAT THE HELL! HE’S STILL ALIVE!

“I WAS WAITING FOR THAT FIRE!” Kenjiro laughs as he lets go of the SLEEVES OF HIS JACKET and BEGINS FALLING, “All that HOT AIR you produced allowed me to GAIN FLIGHT! NOW TAKE THIS!”

“You prick!” DANIELS SAYS. KENJIRO DIVES STRAIGHT FOR JACK WITH A PUNCH ARMED AND READY! AS HE GETS CLOSER, DANIELS BRINGS HIS FIST DOWN! THE TWO COLLIDE, KENJIRO NAILING A STRAIGHT WHILE DANIELS HITS AN UPPERCUT! KENJIRO FLIPS IN MID-AIR AND LANDS ON HIS FACE AS DANIELS CRASHES INTO THE RING POST.

J.R.: THEY’VE KNOCKED EACH OTHER OUT!

W.W.: NO, LOOK!

Daniels STANDS UP, blood POURING from his mouth. Kenjiro lies on the mat, UNABLE TO MOVE but still SOMEWHAT CONSCIOUS.

“Shit, I lost …” Kenjiro mutters, “I thought I had you … for sure. Becoming stronger than Saketumi-san … that might be harder than I thought.”

“You aren’t as strong as Saketumi, that’s for sure. But there is a great power dwelling inside you,” Daniels tells him as he steps out of the ring, “Train harder and focus that energy. I want a rematch someday when you become stronger.”

“The FTUW sure is filled with strong people …” Kenjiro thinks to himself.

J.R.: Anyway, I guess they are done beating the shit out of each other. ON TO THE NEXT MATCH!

WW: Heh heh, so, yeah, whores.

J.R.: Let's move on to the next match of the night, Sella Phayne and Puff Ryder against Bin Destruction and Jack "The Hatchet" Masterson. Any thoughts, Warrior?

WW: Not really. None of these guys are worth anything. I'm tired of even talking about it.

J.R.: Hey, they could surprise you. They are FTUW superstars!

WW: Barely. They've lost a combined 32 matches and none of them are even .500. You know what? Fuck this shit, I'm leaving. I'll be back when this shit is over.

J.R.: Uh, well, let's go to the ring with Todd Lightning.

"Coming to the ring first, weighing in at a combined zero pounds because 'they so high, high as da sky,' Sellllllllla PHAYNE and RASHEED "PUFF RYYYYYYDER" YOUNG!"

Sella Phayne and Puff Ryder come out to Fly as the Sky by Chamillionaire, Phayne carrying Macho Man's head. Phayne holds Macho Man aloft(!) and Macho Man screams, "BRING IT ON, HOGAN! OH YEAAAAAAAH!"

Phayne pulls Macho Man down and says, "Hey, nigga, we ain't fighin' Hogan. He would fuck my shit up."

"HOGAN'S AFRAID OF ME! BE A MAN, HOGAN! DIG IT!"

"Man, I ain't givin' this nigga anymore coke, ya heard?" Phayne says, laughing to Puff Ryder.

Rasheed becomes enraged. "What the fuck did you just say? Did you just say the N word to me, mothafucka? I wish you would say nigga one more time, mothafucka. Say that shit."

"Aight, dogg. Nigga."

Puff Ryder punches Sella Phayne in the fucking face, knocking him out cold. He motions to a couple black guys in the audience to jump the rails and continue to beat the shit out of Phayne.

J.R.: Wow, it looks like Phayne's been eliminated by his own partner. Black people are crazy.

WW: You said it.

J.R.: I thought you were leaving for the rest of the match?

WW: Listen, J.R. I'm an adult. I can make some fucking decisions for myself. If I say I'm leaving, I'm going to leave. If I come back, it's because I wanted to come back. Get off my case.

J.R.: I was just wondering why you were already back. It hasn't even been five minutes.

WW: The guy who carries my jar got tired, okay? Jesus. I'm still a very heavy and muscular man. Who are you, my wife? Do you have to wonder where I am at midnight when I'm hanging out with the boys? Hey, just because I come home drunk doesn't mean I cheated on you with another announcer. I don't even have a dick anymore, woman. It doesn't matter how much Viagra I take, I'm not getting an erection. It's gone. I miss my penis as much as you do, okay?

J.R.: ...

WW: Relax, Jim. Let's watch this great fight.

J.R.: Fine.

"And in this corner, weighing in at a combined ... Actually, fuck it. You guys don't care. It's Mohammad Jaffer Bin Abdul Destruction and Jack "The Hatchet" Masterson."

Bin Destruction rides to the ring on a camel to loud boos. He reaches into a large paper bag and pulls out box cutters that he throws to the audience. He smiles and laughs despite the vicious and cruel remarks he draws.

"This fucking terrorist thinks he can get away with mocking American in New York City? LET'S ROLL!" A redneck in the crowd shouts out to his buddies and they all click out the blades of their box cutters. Bin Destruction laughs louder as all of the box cutters explode!

J.R.: I don't believe it! Bin Destruction booby trapped those box cutters to explode in the hands of whoever used them! What a dirty trick!

WW: That's what rags are known for. Being dirty. I mean, have you smelled those guys?

J.R.: Yes, I have, Warrior, and they're a surprisingly clean people.

WW: I can't believe the p/c liberal media has gotten to my own partner. Jim, Jim, wise up. Muslims are not as good as us. They're dirty pieces of shit.

J.R.: I don't agree, Warrior. Not all Arabs are terrorists.

WW: YES, THEY ARE!

J.R.: Fine, you're right. All Arabs are terrorists and they smell bad.

Bin Destruction stands up on the hump of his camel and leaps into the ring. As soon as he lands, the camel explodes and Jack "the Hatchet" Masterson jumps out. Bin Destruction is angered and yells out in some sand language.

"First you cost me match at last Pay-Per-View and now you kill my most prized camel! Die, infidel!" Bin Destruction pulls out his box cutter sword and as he's about to decapitate Masterson, the box cutter explodes, sending chunks of Arab flesh around the arena.

J.R.: I did not see that one coming.

WW: It doesn't matter, he'll be back before the next Pay-Per-View. I can't even force myself to be happy about this.

J.R.: But this does make it a one on one match, Warrior.

WW: Hopefully that means it will end sooner.

Puff Ryder and Jack Masterson stare each other down in the center of the ring. Masterson's hatchet rests on his shoulder. The ref calls out to Masterson, "Hey, no weapons allowed. You're going to have to give me the hatchet, man."

Masterson grimaces and looks over at the ref. "Okay," he says and then buries the hatchet in the ref's skull and rolls the body out of the ring with his foot.

J.R.: That was just plain stupid on the part of the referee.

WW: I agree. I was hoping Masterson would kill Puff Ryder in one swing.

As soon as the bell rings, Puff Ryder pulls out his Omni-Bong and yells, "POWER BONG EXTEND!" The bong stretches out and hits Masterson in the chest, sending him flying out of the ring and into the crowd. Rasheed then loads some t-shirts into the bong and shoots them out to the audience who murder each other for free merchandise.

WW: Black people don't understand how capitalism works. You have to SELL your product. They're just used to stealing whatever they want.

J.R.: That's not true at all, Warrior. They sell drugs for money.

WW: That's another racist stereotype, Jim, and I don't want to hear it.

Masterson, pissed off by being sent flying, punches a fan in the chest and pulls a hatchet out of the cavity. Don't even try to understand how that works, but it does. To help release his anger, he begins butchering the people in his path to the ring.

BUT IN HIS WAY IS THE GODDAMNED MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE

"OH YEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAH! I'M GOING TO BEAT YOU DOWN, HOGAN, ARE YOU READY? CAN YOU DIG IT? OH YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAH!"

Macho Man's disembodied head starts floating around and headbutting Masterson over and over again, eventually breaking Masterson's nose. "Argh, you bastard," Masterson mumbles and swings his hatchet like a baseball bat, knocking Macho Man's head to the other side of the arena.

WW: Come on, are you expecting me to buy the fact that Macho Man's head can float around and headbutt people?

J.R.: Well, I was wondering what happened to him after Sella Phayne was assaulted.

Back in the ring, Puff Ryder is taking hits from the bong.

On the ramp, Sella Phayne is unconscious.

All around the arena, pieces of Bin Destruction are beginning to smell really fucking bad.

AND THEN MASTERSON CUTS THE ROPES WITH HIS HATCHET.

"Shit, dogg, don't blow my high," Puff Ryder says, looking back at Masterson. "This is good shit."

Of course, Masterson doesn't listen and charges Puff Ryder, his hatchet above his head, ready to strike. Puff Ryder doesn't move, he simply looks at Masterson and blows weed smoke in his face.

"You will drop your hatchet," Puff Ryder commands. Masterson tries to resist, but in the end he can't help but comply.

J.R.: It's the Pothead Mind Trick!

WW: Why doesn't he just do that to everyone?

J.R.: It takes a high level of THC in your blood to perform the Pothead Mind Trick and a great deal of concentration.

WW: I always knew that drugs were the reason white women have sex with black men, but now it all makes sense.

"Now lie down on your back." Masterson, of course, does it. Puff Ryder stands up and stretched, ready to pin this douche bag and end it. He rolls him up.

ONE-

TWO-

A SAND STORM SWEEPS THROUGH MADISON SQUARE GARDEN, OBSTRUCTING EVERYONE'S VIEW OF THE FIGHT!

J.R.: Bah Gawd! What's going on here! I can't see a goddamn thing!

WW: Remember earlier I said Bin Destruction would be back eventually? Well, that asshole is back. Now he's getting sand in my water. That fucking bastard rag head.

When the sand clears, Masterson and Bin Destruction are stomping Puff Ryder into the ground. The new referee finally regains his vision and pushes Bin Destruction outside the ring.

WW: I called it.

Masterson gives Puff Ryder a few more kicks before walking to his corner and tagging Bin Destruction, who grabs Masterson's hand and won't let go.

"Are you thinking that you can kill my camel with no retribution? Allah Akbar!" BIN DESTRUCTION STABS MASTERSON IN THE THROAT WITH A BOX CUTTER. Masterson falls to the mat and bleeds out. Bin Destruction kicks him under the ropes, where he falls to the floor and dies.

J.R.: It seems none of these fighters can set aside their differences for the sake of the match.

WW: Who cares? Masterson will be back, too.

J.R.: That's not my point, Warrior. If no one can get their act together, this match could go on all night like this.

WW: My God.

Bin Destruction picks up Puff Ryder and Irish whips him into the ropes and clotheslines him on the rebound.

WW: At this rate, these assholes will be fighting all night!

J.R.: Don't worry, Warrior. Someone will find a way.

"Sella Phayne, wake up."

"Who the fuck? Did I just fuck a dude again?"

"IT'S ME, MACHO MAN! WE GOTTA FIGHT HOGAN, OH YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAH! GRAB ON TO MY HEAD!"

Sella Phayne fucking does it! And they float around the arena!

"Why are we fighting Hogan? I thought I was in a tag match."

"DIG IT!"

Back in the ring, Bin Destruction is unleashing a FUCKING barrage of punches on Puff Ryder who is too hurt to resist any more. "Come on, you American infidel, fight me!" Puff Ryder throws a punch, but it just taps Bin Destruction's chin. "Ha, fine then, you Zionist pig. I will use my most powerful attack on you, to punish your weak American morals." Bin Destruction runs back into the ropes and uses the momentum for a 9/11!

J.R.: This could be it! It looks like Bin Destruction is going for the 9/11!

WW: I don't want it to end like this, but it's better than nothing. Fucking terrorists.

"Macho Man, where are we going?" Sella Phayne is still dazed, zipping around the arena while clutching Macho Man's disembodied, floating head.

"WE'VE GOTTA FIND HOGAN! COME ON, BROTHER, BE A MAN! LET'S MEET IN THE RING! OH YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAH!"

THEY FUCKING ZOOM INTO THE RING AND SELLA PHAYNE INTERCEPTS THE 9/11!

J.R.: 9/11! 9/11! Sella Phayne got in the way of the attack, saving his partner!

WW: Shit.

Sella Phayne crashes to the canvas with Bin Destruction on top of him. He holds his ribs and coughs up blood. "Fuck ... you ... Macho ..."

Puff Ryder, given time to recover, climbs the turnbuckle and leaps, delivering a flying elbow to Bin Destruction, but he misses, as Bin Destruction rolls away, instead elbowing Phayne, who is pretty much unconscious again.

J.R.: This could be a big turnaround in Puff Ryder's favor.

WW: Jesus Christ.

Bin Destruction kips to his feet and pulls out his box cutter sword. He swings it at Puff Ryder repeatedly, but Puff Ryder just turns into smoke, dodging each attack. After one miss, Puff Ryder solidifies to kick Bin Destruction in the gut, forcing him to drop the box cutter.

Bin Destruction retreats to his corner and pulls a vial of red liquid out of his boot and pours it into his mouth. His beard bursts into flames, the heat forcing Puff Ryder to step back.

J.R.: Jew blood! Bin Destruction just drank Jew blood! He's a Super Arab now!

The Super Arab breathes in and then exhales fire over the entire ring, but when the flames stop, he can't see Puff Ryder!

J.R.: Bah Gawd! He burned Puff Ryder into ashes!

WW: How did Sella Phayne survive, then?

J.R.: I have no idea!

INSIDE OF BIN DESTRUCTION'S BODY, a THC molecule courses through his veins. This THC molecule is better known as PUFF RYDER.

"Destroying these Jewish blood cells helps me alleviate the anger I feel when I notice that all of the stores in my neighborhood are owned by Jews."

"Allah, why? I've never lost my power this quick before!" Bin Destruction yells as his beard is reduced to glowing embers. "Fight me like a man, Puff Ryder!"

WW: Yeah, hey, guy, pick up my jar. I'm out of here.

JUST THEN, A CLOUD OF SMOKE FLIES OUT OF BIN DESTRUCTION'S NOSE AND REFORMS AS PUFF RYDER.

"Take this, bitch!" Puff Ryder punches that asshole Bin Destruction in his stupid face.

The two men trade brutal blows, each punch more powerful than the last. Bin Destruction's beard is coated in blood. Puff Ryder blocks one punch and grabs Bin Destruction's arm, then grabs the other after blocking a second punch. He grips them tightly under his arms and then kicks Bin Destruction's chest with both legs RIPPING THE ARMS OUT OF THEIR SOCKETS!

J.R.: He ripped off Bin Destruction's arms!

Puff Ryder starts beating Bin Destruction with his own arms. "You like that shit, mothafucka? What? Did you like that? Stop hitting yourself, nigga, stop hitting yourself!" Puff Ryder claps both arms together on Bin Destruction's head, knocking him cold to the mat.

"HOGAN, I'M COMING TO GET YOU! OH YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Macho Man's head flies over the ring!

"Macho Man," Puff Ryder calls out and then jumps up to grab the floating head. "Snort this shit!" HE PUTS MACHO MAN OVER BIN DESTRUCTION!!

BIN DESTRUCTION IS REDUCED TO SAND AND FLIES UP MACHO MAN'S NOSE!

J.R.: Macho Man defeated Bin Destruction!

WW: Wait, it's not over yet. Fucking Jack Masterson is going to show up, back from the dead.

Puff Ryder takes Macho Man's head and punts it, sending it flying high above the ring where it explodes, destroying both Bin Destruction and the Macho Man.

J.R.: I can't believe it! Puff Ryder just killed both of them!

Puff Ryder holds his arms up in victory, having defeated all three of the other wrestlers. "Yeah, nigga! What! What!"

JUST THEN, a swirling tornado of sand spins above his head!

WW: We already saw that one.

AND THE SAND REFORMS INTO A MAN.




A MACHO MAN!

J.R.: The Macho Man's full body is back! Somehow, his DNA must have mixed with Bin Destruction's ability to reform himself after death!

WW: I see.

J.R.: Well, in any case, the referee is calling this one in favor of Sella Phayne and Puff Ryder.

Back in the ring, Macho Man lifts Sella Phayne up off the canvas. "Come on, buddy. Let's go train for more wrestling."

"What? Shit."

[Yogurtman]

Jim Ross: "We're now just moments away from finding out who will be the #1 contender for the American Championship! But first, after FTUW's God is Gay, I had an exclusive look chronicling Robert McCoy's rehabilitation in his hometown of Sewickley, Pennsylvania."


The camera focuses on the Faggotron, and generic "day in the life of" music plays as we see Robert McCoy sitting in a chair in his house. "I admit, losing my first three FTUW matches was pretty discouraging. But the turning point was when I went up against Carlos Mencia even though I had never done stand up comedy before, and he had made a CAREER out of it and probably made millions of dollars, and he was still no match for me. It was then that my previous defeats were put into perspective. I lost to Kuroda Saito but there is absolutely no shame in losing to authentic asians. Also, later that night, Saito died whereas I survived, so that should almost be a victory for me. Then, I sacrificed my leg in order to prevent Theldorrin from challenging for the FTUW Championship. At last, I had done the impossible."


The scene changes to a hospital operating room, shortly after FTUW's God is Gay. McCoy, with only one leg intact, is lying on an operating table while a doctor sits close by.

"Well, Mr. McCoy," the doctor begins, "it looked bleak but it looks like we're able to save your leg after all. Then, we're going to start you on a 9 month rehabilitation program to ease your leg back into working condition."

"That's not going to do it for me, Doctor," replies Robert McCoy, "I need that leg to be operational in less than a month. I've been chosen to fight Hard'Rok and Goldman to determine the #1 contender for the American Title."

"Fight?! Don't be stupid! You won't even be able to walk!"

"I said ... I need it operational in less than a month," McCoy says, a DARK INTENSITY growing in his demeanor, "use two miles of sewing thread if you must. Put 50 metal pins inside to hold it together. I must fight."

The doctor slams his fist on a table. "I KNOW you're determined to be a champion but this is lunacy! You will have one severely damaged leg, and you'd be going up against two supermen! Hard'Rok is a Space Valhallian! Goldman is a Jew! Wait. Goldman is a former world champion!"

"Perform the procedure, doctor."

"But, you don't really believe--"

"I SAID DO IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTT!!!!!!!"


"The operation was a success. I rehab'd hard and after only one week it was back to work for me."
Scene change to an office. Robert McCoy is sitting at his desk wearing a shirt and tie, working on his computer. He cracks his knuckles slowly, then suddenly exclaims, "LET'S DO THIS!" he grabs hold of his mouse and expertly highlights data, then alt tabs and pastes it into an Excel worksheet with inhuman speed! He begins typing up a report. A digital speedometer on his desk lights up: 90 words per minute. He types ever more furiously. 95 words per minute. OVER 100 WORDS PER MINUTE! He closes the program and begins signing a stack of papers. As the camera gets closer we realize that he is DUAL WIELDING PENS! His co workers look on in terror as he initials a line with his left hand, and signs his signature on another line with his right hand simultaneously! When he is finished, he types up a memo to the Processing Department titled, "Quit fuckin' using staples instead of paper clips to hold the documents together, pricks!" the speedometer on his desk starts flashing. 105 words per minute. Smoke rises from the keyboard! 110 WORDS PER MINUTE!!! The speedometer beeps frantically then EXPLODES.


"However, the doctor's warning about my opponents was not lost on me. So, in order to compete with them, I must become equally as strong and ferocious."
The scene shifts to McCoy standing in a dojo, wearing sparring pads and helmet, while fellow Tae Kwon Do students stand around him holding long pieces of particle board. McCoy takes a defensive stance and the students begin breaking the boards over him.


Back to McCoy sitting in the chair. "The two men that murdered my master are dead. I defeated Theldorrin. And yet, I can't stop there. Another battle awaits me! If things start to get dire in my match at Extreme Hardcore Fuck You, I have a secret weapon that I can unleash on those two fools. Then the American Championship will be within my grasp and I'll prove once and for all that Tae Kwon Do is the most deadly martial art the world has ever seen." his eyes cast down to the floor in sadness. "that was always Master Wojehowski's dream. Then and only then will my revenge be complete." McCoy takes a block of particle board and starts smashing it against his head repeatedly. "Master Wojehowski ... I will ... AVENGE YOU! AGGGGGGGHHHHH!" tears start streaming down his face and he smashes his head with the board even more intensely, but it's not breaking. The camera hangs awkwardly on this scene for about 20 seconds before finally giving up and cutting away back to the arena.


Jim Ross: "Wasn't that just inspiring, folks? I gotta hand it to the fella for not giving up in the face of adversity such as his leg being broken completely off! And what could his "secret weapon" be? Todd Lightning is ready to introduce our combatants!"

"In this three way match," Todd Lightning begins, "the first one to score a pinfall will be declared the winner and will challenge for the American Championship at our next PPV! Coming to the ring first, the pride of Sewickley, Pennsylvania, please give a warm welcome to Robert ... MCCOOOOY!" he jogs to the ring gingerly to We Gotta Power by Kageyama Hironobu. A few females in the audience are wearing official FTUW shirts that read, "Robert McCoy owns this" with a down arrow. The male version of the shirt is the same, except it's on the back.

Jim Ross: "I can't help but notice that McCoy seems to have a slight limp. There's no doubt that his leg isn't even close to 100%, and yet here he is! What a competitor! I wonder how well the doctors put his leg back on anyway?"

Warrior: "That's not the only part of his body that has a slight limp, ha ha ha! Anyway, if he wore wrestling tights like a real man should, we'd know about the leg. His ridiculous oriental karate suit pant leg obscures that mystery!"

Todd Lightning continues. "Hailing from the newly reformed Republic of the Damned, ladies and gentlemen, he is ... HARD'ROK!" he, and of course his lovely goth girlfriend, Gigi, walk to the ring even more solemnly than usual. But weres Raven?

"And finally, the one time FTUW WORLD CHAMPION! Fighting to regain his prestigious ranking, he comes to us from NEW YORK, NEW YORK! The mightiest Jew in the history of the world ... YOUR hometown hero ... GOOOOOOLDMAAAAAAN!"

THE NYC FANS GO APESHIT INSANE and to express their appreciation, begin throwing their pocket change down at him! Goldman frantically runs everywhere to pick it all up, though his trainer Olympas pushes him toward the ring (while nonchalantly pocketing a few coins himself).

The bell rings and Hard'Rok, eager for a warm up advances on Robert McCoy, but he counters with a jumping side kick. Not believing that the awkward shuffling movements McCoy was making could possibly be an attack, it connects right into Hard'Rok's abdomen to everybody's amazement and he is sent stumbling backwards to the canvas!

"If you do not wish to suffer the same fate, Goldman," declares McCoy, brimming with confidence, "I will allow you to tap out now to avoid any further bloodshed."

"You have the chutzpah to demand such a thing from me?" says Goldman.

Ringside, Olympas chimes in, «I did not prevent his suicide thrice to yield to the likes of you!»

McCoy reaches his arm across his chest, then points dramatically at Goldman. "Then I have no choice but to defeat you!" he gets a running start, yells the Tae Kwon Do battle cry of, "KIUP!" and executes a flying side kick, but Goldman easily steps to the side and McCoy flies right into the ropes and gets tangled up! Trying to take Goldman by surprise, Hard'Rok comes out of nowhere with a flying body press, but Goldman swiftly counters with a stiff Jew Jitsu kick, stopping his momentum dead and he falls to the mat! He then picks him up and hurls him into the still tangled up Robert McCoy, sending both of them crashing to the outside of the ring! They stagger to their feet and McCoy throws a turn kick at Hard'Rok, who catches it and converts it into a dragon screw! On the ground McCoy does an abysmal kip up, it pretty much just makes him land on his ass so he has to get up normally anyway.

"Just what the hell are you so depressed about anyway, Hard'Rok?" McCoy demands. "Both you and Goldman have your friends here to cheer you on. You don't know the pain of losing a master! I do!"

" ... "

McCoy takes a stance and prepares to hit Hard'Rok with a side kick, but Goldman comes flying through the bottom ropes with a baseball slide kick, knocking McCoy into the guard rail! The fans reach over and start grabbing him and pouring beer all over him (probably the only FTUW superstar they wouldn't be scared shitless to do this to). Goldman and Hard'Rok climb back into the ring and exchange knife edge chops!

Warrior: "There's obviously an unspoken understanding between Goldman and Hard'Rok that this match is a battle between the two of them for the right to pin Robert McCoy."

Robert McCoy rolls back into the ring and attempts a spinning turn kick on Goldman, who steps to one side to dodge then pushes McCoy into the corner turnbuckle. He climbs up and appeals to the NYC crowd to count his punches! "Alef! Bet! Gimel! Dalet! He! Vav! Zayin! Het! Tet! YOD!!" after landing the tenth punch on his head, he grabs McCoy by the hair, gently pulls him forward, but instead of watching him fall face first to the mat he drives his knee right into his face!

Jim Ross: "I admire McCoy's tenacity to compete tonight with a badly damaged leg, but he is clearly in over his head here!"

Warrior: "What possible person could you put him up against and not have him in over his head? I bet that worthless sinophile is so proud of himself for landing that one hit at the beginning of the match, though that IS pretty impressive for him."

With Goldman distracted, Hard'Rok took that time to obtain his trademark weapon, the chair, and thrust it into the back of Goldman's head! He then takes his turn beating up Robert McCoy. He violently hits him with chair shots over and over again, then picks him up and DDTS MCCOY ONTO THE CHAIR! Goldman recovers from his chair shot and he and Hard'Rok exhange blows while Robert McCoy lies on top of the chair, lapsing in and out of consciousness. Goldman irish whips Hard'Rok against the ropes then clotheslines him out of the ring. He turns to McCoy looking for the easy pinfall, but he has regained consciousness, his entire face covered in blood, and is now crawling around the ring gasping and coughing up blood.

"I hate to beat a dead goyim, but this will put you down for good." A tube snaps out from Goldman's sleeve and expands into a menorah! IT'S THE MIRACLE OF THE OIL! He shoots the burning lamp oil at McCoy, searing his skin as he can only squeeze his eyes shut and gurgle in agony!

Warrior: "You know, it's a good thing Passion of the Christ came out before this match, otherwise people would have just called Jesus a pussy!"

Jim Ross: "Good GAWD somebody stop the damn match already! or at least give Robert McCoy a mercy elimination!"

Satisfied that he has dealt enough damage, Goldman retracts the menorah tube. "Oh yes," he adds, "and Master Daniel Wojehowski was nothing but a portly feygele!"

It is at this point where his deceased master is called a fat faggot that McCoy's eyes spring open. SPIRIT VS SPIRIT, that song that plays when Gohan goes SSJ2, mysteriously begins playing over the arena's speaker system.

He flashes back to April 02, 2006, the date of FTUW's Muscle Rock. Robert McCoy flees in terror from Cyborg Inoki Baba, who fires his grappling hooks at him! But at the last second, his master Daniel Wojehowski steps in front of him, shielding him and bearing the hooks' terrible power himself!

"You ... are not done yet! You must ... live on!" cries the vision of Master Wojehowski, spitting up blood as the hooks dig deeper into his flesh. McCoy can only watch on in horror.

Back in the present, Robert McCoy slowly rises to his feet, and balls his fists so hard that they're shaking! The camera does an extreme closeup on his gritted teeth, blood dripping off his face! He reaches down and TEARS HIS BLUE BELT RIGHT OFF HIS GI AND THROWS IT AWAY!

Jim Ross: "What on earth is he doing!"

Warrior: "Isn't it obvious, JR?! He's finally renouncing that nippy bullshit Tae Kwon Do by tearing off the symbol of his rank! Isn't this just the most beautiful moment you've ever seen? You know, I always DID like Robert McCoy!"

Goldman and Hard'Rok stare at McCoy wide eyed and sweat a lot, McCoy clenches his fists and stares at the ground as the final words of Master Daniel Wojehowski from that fateful night play in his mind.

"You will become ... THE CHOSEN ONE!"

As the grappling hooks tear apart Daniel Wojehowski in McCoy's flashback, he simultaneously lets out a PRIMAL SCREAM in the present and pulls an object out of his gi ... and ties it around his waist!

Jim Ross: "BAH GAWD! IT'S A BROWN BELT!! IT'S A BROWN BELT!!! He didn't abandon Tae Kwon Do at all! He must have secretly promoted his belt level since the last PPV all along! A whole new arsenal of moves is now available to him!"

As a torso in a jar, Ultimate Warrior has limited options in committing suicide, but that doesn't stop him from trying.

McCoy stands in the ring staring at Goldman with MURDEROUS RAGE in his eyes! Goldman turns to flee, only to hear a "KIUP!" behind him and a SPINNING HOOK KICK slam into his back! Followed up with a half moon kick, his heel crashing down into Goldman's head! Hard'Rok rushes in to help, and is swiftly put down with a BACK CRESCENT KICK from McCoy! Goldman gets up, dazed, and McCoy spins around and rocks him with a TORNADO KICK!

Jim Ross: "ROBERT MCCOY IS ON A RAMPAGE! Can anybody stop him?!"

McCoy climbs the top ropes and faces Goldman, who is stumbling around dazed in the middle of the ring! "Tae Kwon Do brown belt ultimate technique ... 540 KICK!!!!" With a massive "KIUP" he jumps off the turnbuckle and swings his arms and legs around, SPINNING 540 DEGREES IN THE AIR AND ANNIHILATING GOLDMAN WITH THE TITANIC KICK! Unfortunately, while he does connect with the blow, McCoy is quite high up in the air and after performing the move landing on one leg, which happens to be his bad leg, IT COLLAPSES FROM UNDERNEATH HIM THE SECOND HE TOUCHES DOWN ON THE MAT! Spirit vs Spirit, which had still been playing up to this point, does that hilarious thing where the tape goes all off key and distorted, until it shuts off completely. McCoy screams in agony holding his leg stump, his leg broken off and lying on the mat with a now ripped tapestry of sewing thread holding it together no more.

Jim Ross: "WHAT A HEARTBREAKER! That's what happens when you don't listen to a medical professional! McCoy with one leg is essentially out of this match! He's now easy prey for a pinfall by Goldman or Hard'Rok!"

With Goldman still feeling the effects of that devastating 540 kick, Hard'Rok quickly grabs him and DDTs him! Hard'Rok goes for the pin! ONE, TWO-- suddenly Hard'rok is vaulted 50 feet into the air! But how?

Jim Ross: "STEVE AUSTIN'S ARMS HAVE COME ALIVE!!! They threw off Hard'Rok just in time! I get the feeling we're about to see a real Texas ass whooping!"

As Hard'Rok comes down from his flight, Austin's arms catch him in mid air and bring them down onto Goldman's shoulders for a super back breaker! They toss away Hard'Rok's broken body like so much trash!

"Let's end this!" announces Goldman, climbing the top rope; he's getting ready for his finishing move, the God's Chosen People's Elbow!

"Hardy, NO!" Gigi screams. There is no way he can survive such a move in his condition! she frantically rummages through a bag and tosses something at Goldman; it's a beer can! INSTINCTIVELY, one of Austin's arms snatches it out of the air and pours the contents down into Goldman's throat! But wait, something is wrong. Goldman begins to gag and he tumbles off the top rope!

"OY VEY! Liquified pork!" he cries, gagging uncontrollably!

Jim Ross: "IT WAS A TRAP CAN! Look at Goldman, he's trying to puke out that non kosher pork or risk angering his god!"

Warrior: "Or, it could just be that liquified meat is fucking disgusting."

"Now finish him!" Gigi tosses Hard'Rok his chair and he catches it, grinning shit eatingly!

"Raven, it was because of you that I made it to this match at all, now it's time to use your most advanced training to win it," Hard'Rok closes in on Goldman and unleashes a LV1 chair shot! Goldman is still choking, but Austin's arms are still as alert as ever and grab the chair before it makes contact, ripping it right out of Hard'Rok's hands! Goldman finally recovers from the pork can, and uses all of his arms to rear back with the chair; the four arms swing it together and smash Hard'Rok in the face with such force that he does a back flip and crashes onto the canvas, lying motionless! Goldman then puts the chair between his legs, lifts it up then brings it down into a MATZOHCRE, SHATTERING IT INTO A HUNDRED PIECES!!

Jim Ross: "GOOD GAWD! He just used his finishing move on the god damned chair!!"

Warrior: "Was that even necessary?"

An exhausted Goldman tosses away a broken piece of chair in his hand, steps over Robert McCoy and lumbers over to the body of Hard'Rok ... BUT HE KIPS UP LIKE NOTHING EVEN HAPPENED!

"But how?!" demands an incredulous Goldman, "I hit you with that chair with all four arms! No one should have been able to survive that! And you ... you are helpless now without that chair! I destroyed it!!"

Hard'Rok looks at the ground, grinning, "Ah, that is why you can't defeat me, because you don't understand."

"What? What is it that I don't understand?!"

HARD'ROK REACHES HIS ARM OUT, AND THE BROKEN REMAINS OF THE CHAIR BEGIN TO REFORM, THEN IT FLIES INTO HIS HAND LIKE A MAGNET!

"I AM THE CHAIR."

HE REARS BACK WITH ALL HIS MIGHT, THEN HOME RUN SMASHES GOLDMAN WITH A LV2 CHAIR SHOT, WITH FORCE SO POWERFUL THAT HE FLIES OUT OF THE RING AND CRASH LANDS IN THE CROWD, KILLING 10 AUDIENCE MEMBERS! With Hard'Rok now alone in the ring with the helpless, one legged Robert McCoy, he goes for the pin! One ... two ... THREE!! HARD'ROK HAS WON IT! Somewhere, perhaps in the locker room, perhaps thousands of miles away, Raven nods approvingly.

Jim Ross: "IT'S OVER! HARD'ROK HAS SCORED THE UPSET AND WON THE #1 CONTENDERSHIP FOR THE AMERICAN TITLE!

Warrior: "Well with so many japs and Jews running around these days, I guess the zombie alien winning any given FTUW match is considered a good result."

Todd Lightning: And now folks it is my great pleasure to bring to you THE hottest band in the world today! Give it up for VISCERAPE!

Rabid fans begin smashing skulls, the metal studs surgically implanted into their heads causing them to shatter their brains to bits. All four members of Viscerape have the promotional poster for EXTREME HARDCORE: FUCK YOU 2006 tattooed on their bodies. The only clothing they’re all wearing are metal studded thongs, which leave NOTHING to the imagination considering how well hung they all are.

Leitch: Hello New York CITAY! Are you ready to get…HARDCORE?!

The crowd cheers so loudly that the foundation of MSG begins to shift and the twin titans in the sub-basement struggle to keep the building together, which is their eternal task for losing an arm wrestling match to McHarris.

Leitch begins striking the most powerful of power chords on his asterisk guitar and the whole band looks like they’re possessed by demons as they don’t so much as play their instruments but create MAYHEM with them!

Shoving your fist through grandma’s throat
Using a live grizzly as a coat
Telling your wife that she looks cheap
Then lending her your gun while you sleep

And that’s just the beginning of what’s in store!
You need to have mayhem galore!
Because you’re EXTREME HARDCORE!

Trusting your house keys to a gang of burglars
Driving a bus through a playground full of toddlers
Running your cock down the side of a cobra
Slamming a brick into your vertebra

You do all that and ask for more!
Without it life’s a fucking chore!
Because you’re EXTREME HARDCORE!
EXTREME HARDCOOOOOOOORE!

DIG IT!

Leitch begins playing his most epic guitar solo yet. So powerful is it that the entire band is teleported to the top of a mountain somewhere in the Himalayas! FTUW satellites keep up with the band and they are displayed on the Faggotron. Local Sherpas, who have no clue where these heavy metal gods came from, begin totally rocking out in spite of the fact that they have never heard this type of music before. Their hair immediately grows long and greasy and they begin having rough sex with their girlfriends who have gone from plain to skanky and hot!

After twelve minutes, the guitar solo ends. Leitch’s guitar could not take the strain from his superhuman playing speed and it implodes under his massive genius, becoming a miniature black hole! Leitch grabs the black hole and absorbs it within himself! One of the Sherpas throws him a normal (weak) guitar, which he uses to finish the song.

Raping the judge at your trial
Then drowning her in your own bile
Starting a gang war in Harlem’s streets
All alone with only your fists and feets

Every day you implore!
For greater blood and gore!
Because you’re EXTREME HARDCORE!

From the rich to the poor
You’ll go down in human lore
As EXTREME HARDCORE!
YOU’RE FUCKING HARDCORE!

JUST POUR ON SOME MORE HARDCORE!
I’LL EXPLORE YOUR CUNT, WHORE!
AND WE’LL MAKE IT HARDCORE!

EXTREME HARDCOOOOOOOOOOORE!
EXTREME HARDCOOOOOOOOOOORE!
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHH!!!

Emperor Fuck throws his drum set off the mountain, then throws Sherpas at it to make sure it’s destroyed. Afterwards, Benedict the Wolverine begins devouring their broken remains. Magically, all the women of this mountain village are impregnated with Curtis’ children while Leitch turns to pure energy and flies away. The crowd back at Madison Square Garden is so pumped up by the performance that they begin impromptu matches amongst themselves just to satiate their desire for blood!

JR: What a riveting song! Let’s give these boys a big hand!

WW: That was an impressive song. But nothing with ever capture the thrilling beat of my entrance music.

[Yogurtman]

JR: Well, now that our half-time extravaganza is over, we return to wrestling action, LIVE!

J.R.: What a match, Warrior!

W.W.: Yes, whatever happened in the previous match was indeed exciting.

J.R.: You said it. Now, the next match we have coming up looks to be very exciting! Our owner, James Brock McHarris, will actually be participating! He’ll be taking on the FTUW superstar Charles Bronson in a No DQ, Falls Count Anywhere match! You know, Warrior, I gotta say, it doesn’t look good for McHarris.

W.W.: It doesn’t look good for McHarris? Do you know what the shit you are fucking about? I’m worried about Bronson!

J.R.: Our wonderful honor is a pretty built guy, yeah, but he’s over 70. Not to mention Charles Bronson is an undead zombie who carries grenades to the ring.

W.W.: Look here, you got your job because of your history as a commentator. When I applied, it wasn’t so easy. As I seated in the lobby outside his office, I noticed that the would-be commentators that went in front of me never came out. When I walked through those doors J.R., I saw James Brock McHarris standing there in the nude.

J.R.: Wait, what?

W.W.: Yeah, and his fucking dick was gigantic, J.R. Like a horse’s cock.

J.R.: Uh, I don’t-

W.W.: IT WAS A GODDAMNED TEST, J.R.! I interviewed for that job while the whole time MCHARRIS marched around the room with his dick swinging. HE WANTED to SEE if I would LOOK DOWN at his fucking DICK. HE WATCHED MY EYES to see if I WOULD GLANCE down while he was asking me questions. The fucking vein on that thing would put most men to shame.

J.R.: What does this have to do with his fighting ability?

W.W.: It was the WILL OF THE WARRIOR. In a battle between bears, the one to lose is the one who breaks away from the stare. THAT BEAR IS THE WEAKER. I knew if I looked down at that GIGANTIC COCK he would tear my head clean off. I ain’t no FUCKING QUEER but when he started slapping it against furniture, splintering the wood and breaking vases, I ALMOST BROKE. But I kept telling myself my PERSONAL MOTTO “I can. I will. I must.” That’s why I’m here today, J.R., because I was strong enough to not look at his dick.

J.R.: Well. Anyway, Charles Bronson and McHarris have been feuding for reasons unknown to us. The prize for the winner of this fight is something called the D’LONOMICON. Whatever this thing is, they both fiercely want it. There are even rumors that the attack on McHarris Tower was perpetuated by Bronson itself.

W.W.: It’s a shame. A goddamned, dirty shame, J.R. I was there that day, J.R., and you goddamn better know that I WOULD have taken him out personally if I wasn’t pushing out a ten pound shit from spending the morning eat a cow.

J.R.: It really makes you wonder how this bad blood between them got started.

W.W.: I know what it is, J.R. Only one thing can turn a PATRIOTIC AMERICAN like Bronson into a FUCKING TERRORIST. Those years of working in Hollywood has queered the brain of a man thought to be unqueerable. What do you expect? We live in society where the bum is as legitimate as the business man, where homosexuals are the same as good straight people, where Kwanza is the same as Christmas. I only thank Him every day that I have the willpower to resist the cocks transmitted and digitized by those West Coast Queers from our television sets and trying to penetrate my America-loving brain hole.

J.R.: Right you are! Now let’s go to the ring where Todd Lightning is standing by!

Todd Lightning enters the ring and adjusts his tie while the fans are fucking flipping out and shit.

Lightning: Ladies and gentleman, our next match is NO DISQUALIFICATION, FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE MATCH! Coming first to the ring, from Ehrenfield, Pennsylvania and weighing at over 220 pounds … CHARLES BROOOONSOOON!!

The FAGGOTRON displays footage of Bronson shooting people while a shitty synthesizer plays slightly creepy music. Bronson steps out onto the entrance ramp, clad in his dark grey trench coat, looking more SERIOUS than usual. He calmly walks to the ring and leaps onto the apron. He carefully surveys his surroundings as if expecting to be ambushed at any second.

Lightning: And his opponent, from THE BRONX and weighing in at over 275 pounds … JAAAMES BROOOCK MCHAAAAARIS!!

“Arcane Death Explosion” by VISCERAPE, the FTUW theme song, begins BLARING FROM THE SPEAKERS. Out from the ENTRANCE is the FTUW OWNER, JAMES BROCK MCHARRIS, in black boots and GREY CAMO PANTS. Also, he’s fucking riding a MOTORCYCLE.

J.R.: The FTUW owner is riding a motorcycle to the ring!

W.W.: At that speed, he’s going to ride it INTO the ring!

Bronson reaches behind his TRENCH COAT and grabs his HANDCANNON. He bolts a glare to the REFEREE who jumps slightly.

“Ring the bell,” he mutters coldly, “Ring it!”

The referee CALLS for the BELL and AIMS HIS HANDCANNON at the MOTORCYCLE-RIDING MCHARRIS who is APPROACHING THE RING AT SPEEDS OVER 80 MPH!

”I won’t let you win this match,” Bronson thinks to himself, “I can’t let you have the power of the D’Lonomicon!”

HE PULLS THE TRIGGER and FIRES THE FIRST ROUND. As the bullet FLIES towards the GAS TANK, McHarris presses a button on the HANDLEBARS of HIS MOTORCYCLE. He pops a WHEELIE and ROCKETS off the GROUND as FLAMES SHOOT from the MOTORCYCLE, LIFTING IT OFF THE GROUND! Bronson tries to keep a BEAT ON HIM while firing but every bullet misses! McHarris descends into the RING with his MOTORCYCLE as Bronson holsters his weapon.

“YOU THINK YOU CAN KILL ME WITH BULLETS?!” McHarris screams! He does a HANDSTAND on the HANDLEBARS while falling and grips the VEHICLE TIGHT. As he lands, HE SWINGS THE ENTIRE FUCKING THING LIKE A WEAPON! The giant, steel frame crashes into Bronson’s arms, CRUSHING HIS BONES and sending him backwards! McHarris lands with a thud while HOLDING THE CYCLE above his head by the handlebars. He charges and begins SWINGING IT QUICKLY, crashing into Bronson’s tight guard! He spins the entire fucking thing around his BODY LIKE NUNCHAKU.

W.W.: And you doubted me, J.R.

J.R.: Shit!

Throwing his ENTIRE WEIGHT INTO IT, the MOTORCYCLE crashes into Bronson’s arms and EXPLODES ON IMPACT! The force of the blow sends him FLYING BACK THROUGH THE ROPES, SNAPPING THEM, and colliding with the GUARD RAIL, deforming the metal.

The FTUW Commish drops the SMOKING HANDLEBARS of the vehicle and leaps out of the ring. He walks up to Bronson and slams a knee into his ribcage. While leaning on the rail, Bronson gets PUMMELED with elbows and FISTS. Blood sprays from his LEATHERY FACE as knuckles drive into the bones. The fully maximized BODY of McHarris ROCKETS a punch that STRETCHES warps BRONSON’S FACE, STRETCHING the SKIN from the bone and blood squirts from his EYES, NOSE, MOUTH, AND EARS.

W.W.: Well, I have to give it to Bronson. The guy can take a beating.

J.R.: Bronson looks like he might already be on his last legs and the match just started! He’d be dead if he already wasn’t!

Bronson LAUNCHES a fist into MCHARRIS face, stopping the attack FOR A SECOND. McHarris drives his KNUCKLES into Bronson’s face one more, the VIGILANTE responding with another blow! McHarris SMILES as the FIST COLLIDES WITH HIS FACE, his head barely budging. Bronson SLAMS A HEADBUTT into McHarris, causing him to STUMBLE backwards. As Bronson attempts to stand up, McHarris shouts “IMPRESSIVE!” and hits BRONSON WITH DEADLY STRAIGHT. His entire his HAND up to the goddamned WRIST is BURIED IN BRONSON’S FACE. Bronson falls from back, blood trailing from his busted nose as his FACE IS IMPACTED CARTOONILY. James Brock ROUNDHOUSES KICKS BRONSON, sending him up the STAIRWAY of the AUDIENCE!

J.R.: I know where this is going.

Charles Bronson CHARGES and hurls a FLURRY OF FISTS that McHarris MOSTLY BLOCKS. A knee to McHarris gut only seems to please him. He responds with a DBZ elbow to the neck that sends Bronson to the THE STEPS, cracking his skull open. McHarris RAISES HIS FOOT, ready to use Bronson’s own ACT OF VENGEANCE against him (a curbstomp). Fans begin slapping McHarris on his back in APPRECIATION. He takes the twist their arms so hard that the skin explodes. THE STOMP CRASHES down but Bronson has time to roll away! In mid-slide, he WHIPS OUT AN UZI.

W.W.: Cheater!

J.R.: McHarris used a motorcycle as a weapon, Warrior.

W.W.: Anyone can use an UZI, J.R.! Very few can turn a motorcycle into some slanty numbchucks.

Bronson LETS LOOSE with the UZI fire which MCHARRIS blocks with a RANDOM FAN. As his body is riddled, MCHARRIS SINKS his CLAW into the FAN’S BACK and YANKS OUT his SPINE! He tosses the LIQUIFIED BODY away and WHIPS BRONSON’S WEAPON out of his hand with the SPINE!

J.R.: Bah Gawd!

MCHARRIS fucking WHIPS THE SPINE into Bronson’s FACE AT HIGH SPEEDS while laughing retardedly. Bronson ATTEMPTS to BLOCK THE ATTACKS but Brock’s mastery of the BACKBONE ARTS IS TOO OVERWHELMING. Bronson steps back to AVOID a DOWNWARD SLASH from McHarris but ends up receiving a DEEP SLASH from his forehead to his gut! Blood squirting from his body, McHarris swings again with his weapon, READY TO DECAPITATE BRONSON! A sharp clang brings a DEMENTED GRIN TO MCHARRIS’ FACE!

W.W.: Holy shit!

Bronson stands there with a SPINE IN HIS HAND, BLOCKING MCHARRIS’ SPINE as a fan in the background CONVULSES as BLOOD is expelled from a giant hole in his BACK!

The two BEGIN SWORDFIGHTING with there VERTEBRAE at HIGH SPEEDS as the FANS GAWK IN AMAZEMENT! Veins BULGE in BRONSON’S SOUR FACE as HE CONCENTRATES on THE BATTLE. McHarris CACKLES.

“I love it! The feel of battle! The clashing of bone and sinew!” McHarris shouts while SWINGING HIS SPINE. A quick strike knocks away Bronson’s BONE and James goes in for the KILL! Bronson LEAPS UPWARDS and DODGES THE BONE, SLAMMING HIS PALMS INTO MCHARRIS’ SKULL!

J.R.: MURPHY’S LAW!

DULL CREAKING AND CRUNCHING NOISES emanate from MCHARRIS’ HEAD as Bronson attempts to CRUSH HIS SKULL. A small amount of blood BEGINS TO DRIP FROM McHarris NOSE as Bronson continues to PUT A LOT OF PRESSURE ON THE AREA ABOVE HIS TORSO. With a slash, McHarris USES THE BONE SPEAR to CUT OFF the VIGILANTE’S HANDS! Bronson falls back onto the stairs, HANDLESS, while MCHARRIS CHARGES with the MITTS of Bronson STILL CLINGING TO HIS FACE! He takes the SPINE and GUTS Bronson with him, STILL CHARGING and CARRYING HIM UP the STAIRS while impaled!

W.W.: They don’t even CARE about the pinfall, J.R.! THIS is a DEATH MATCH!

MCHARRIS brings him to the TOP OF THE ARENA WALL and slams him and the SPEAR into the STONE! McHarris leaps back and CHARGES AGAIN, BRINGING HIS SHOULDER DOWN! However, as he begins to RUSH towards CHARLES BRONSON, his vision is suddenly gone! The hands of CHARLES BRONSON still CLINGING TO HIS FACE have covered his eyes! Blind, BRONSON yanks out the SPINE and FALLS TO THE GROUND! As McHarris charges over him, BRONSON hits him in the gut with his foot, VOLLEYING him through the WALL!

J.R.: Folks, we’re going outside!

A camera man quickly rushes into the concessions area to see McHarris KNEELING DOWN, the ground cracked underneath his feet. He tears OFF the HANDS of BRONSON on his face, the FINGERS CLUTCHING BRINGING SKIN AND BLOOD WITH THEM. As McHarris begins to STAND Charles BRONSON FUCKING BISON STOMPS his HEAD STRAIGHT INTO THE GROUND!

”Glrkrlbrgh!” McHarris shouts as his FACE IS BURIED INTO THE CONCRETE. Bronson leans over and grins. “Huh? What was that?”

MCHARRIS brings his hands up and GRABS BRONSON’S FUCKING KNEE CAPS, YANKING THEM CLEAR OFF HIS BODY!

J.R.: BAH GAWD!

“I said ‘I’M GOING TO DIG UP YOUR MOTHER AND BEAT MY DICK WITH HER BONES!’” he SCREAMS as BRONSON STUMBLES backwards, BLOOD SHOOTING FROM HIS KNEE HOLES. McHarris takes the KNEECAPS and FLICKS THEM WITH HIS THUMBS! Bronson ducks the FLYING KNEECAPS with explode the heads of two concession workers. McHarris LEAPS FORWARD and executes a KARATE KICK into Bronson’s chest that sends him THROUGH THE ENTRANCE TURNSTYLE, impaling himself and bringing the thing along with him.

Bronson lands with the parking lot and YANKS the TURNSTYLE OUT OF HIS GUT. He slams a small pouch of PUSSINIUM into his wounds, FACILITATING the HEALING PROCESS. Suddenly, McHarris bursts through the stone wall instead of just using the entrance to the arena. A referee follows him from a good distance, cautiously trying not to get too close.

CHARLES BRONSON stands up, his wounds SMOKING as they heal themselves. McHarris laughs as he CRACKS HIS SHOULDER.

”Good! Things were looking disappointing!” McHarris CHUCKLES. The two COLLIDE in the parking lot, BASHING each other WITH HOOKS AND UPPERCUTS! McHarris slams a CRESCENT KICK into BRONSON’S NECK. Bronson responds with a FIST that DIGS deep into McHarris’ RIBS. McHarris HURLS a blinding RIGHT STRAIGHT that Bronson CATCHES! As Bronson slams his FREE fist into the FTUW owner’s face, McHarris responds by throwing HIS LEFT! Bronson catches it too, BINDING HIS LIMBS!

J.R.: Bronson is fighting back!

Bronson stomps MCHARRIS’ FEET to PREVENT him from using his legs. With his limbs bound, Bronson slams his HEAD OVER AND OVER into MCHARRIS’ FACE! McHarris GRUNTS and FLEXES ALL HIS MUSCLES, BREAKING HIS LEGS FREE from the HOLD! He puts them on Bronson’s chest and PUSHES, SPRINGBOARDING BACKWARDS and RIPPING HIS GODDAMN ARMS OFF!

J.R.: BAH GAWD! He RIPPED OFF HIS ARMS! And I bet it won’t be the first time tonight!

McHarris slams back first into the windshield of a parked car from the FORCE of his MANEUVER. Tossing the arms aside, he climbs to his feet, SHARDS OF GLASS STICKING INTO HIS BACK. His SMIRK changes to SLIGHT WORRY as HE SEES BRONSON CHARGING AT HIM WITH NO FUCKING ARMS! Blood TRAILING from the WOUNDS, Bronson WASTES NO TIME using his HEAD LIKE A GODDAMN HAMMER and firing a SLAMMING HEADBUTT at McHarris! McHarris leaps up and dodges the headbutt, BRONSON’S SKULL IMPACTING on the HOOD OF THE CAR! The force SEESAWS the CAR and McHarris lands on the BACK BUMPER. He leaps again as the CAR FLIPS and ends up STANDING on the UNDERSIDE OF THE CAR while it LANDS ON BRONSON! However, the car doesn’t CRUSH HIM, BRONSON KEEPS IT UP WITH HIS BACK AND NECK ONLY!

“FOOL! What the FUCK are you EVEN TRYING TO DO?!” McHarris SHOUTS while standing on the car. Bronson KNEES BUCKLE and he CROUCHES DOWN, the STEEL TON STILL SUPPORTED BY HIS SHOULDER. The BLOOD VESSELS IN HIS EYES BURST AS HE PUSHES UPWARD WITH ALL HIS MIGHT! HE LEAPS INTO THE FUCKING AIR, LAUNCHING THE CAR TWENTY FEET SKYWARD!

“YOU SHITHEAD! DO YOU THINK THIS WILL-“ McHARRIS SCREAMS as the CAR AND HIM FLY INTO THE SKY but STOPS WHEN HE NOTICES BRONSON. Bronson reaches down and SINKS HIS TEETH into his TRENCH COAT POCKET. Ripping it open, a CYLINDRICAL METAL DEVICE FALLS AND HITS THE GROUND. Quick, he kicks it like a STONE TOWARDS his SEVERED HAND WHICH CATCHES IT ITS PALM! The THUMB of the DISEMBODIED LIMP presses on a RED BUTTON ON THE DEVICE. McHarris LOOKS IN SHOCK was a PIPE BOMB attached UNDER THE BEEPS BEFORE EXPLODING!!

J.R.: BAH GAWD! THAT CAR JUST EXPLODED!

McHarris falls from the smoking wreckage and lands FACE FIRST INTO ONE OF THE MANY PARKED CARS! He stands up SMOKING AND BLEEDING, LOOKING REALLY FUCKING PISSED OFF.

“You didn’t beat my ass, James. You don’t think I can hold my own?” Bronson says, RE-ATTACHING HIS LIMB, “I wanted to go out here. On the underside of a THIRD of THESE CARS is a pipe bomb.” BRONSON OPENS HIS TRENCH COAT TO REVEAL SEVERAL DOZEN DETONATERS HANGING IN HIS TRENCH COAT. Bronson snatches another as MCHARRIS CURSES.

”Have a blast,” BRONSON SMILES as he PRESSES THE DETONATOR! McHarris LEAPS FROM THE CAR just in time AS IT FUCKING EXPLODES. Metal and shrapnel SLASH AT HIS SKIN as he lands on a nearby car, CRUSHING THE HOOD on IMPACT. Bronson drops the DETONATOR and yanks another one. MCHARRIS LEAPS INSTINCTIVELY but the CAR DOESN’T BLOW! BRONSON PRESSES THE BUTTON when McHarris FLIES OVER the CAR, KNOCKING HIM OUT OF FLIGHT and crashing into another VEHICLE!

“SHIT! FUCK!” McHarris screams as he rolls off the car and lands between the vehicles. He ducks down LOW and BEGINS SNEAKING through the PARKING LOT. He begins SNEAKING AROUND, KEEPING TABS ON BRONSON! Bronson keeps his TRENCH COAT OPEN and his DETONATORS ready. McHarris KICKS a CAR and SENDS IT SLIDING TOWARDS BRONSON! Bronson RUNS UP the HOOD of the CAR and leaps to safety on the other side. McHarris is already gone. Bronson CASTS A GAZE through the SEA OF METAL AND SEES NOTHING. He begins to turn around until a ANGRY GLARE CATCHES HIS EYE. He sees McHarris’ ugly mug in the rearview mirror of one of the cars, HIDING BEHIND A TOYOTA. Bronson turns away from McHarris and YANKS OUT THE CORRECT DETONATOR. He presses the button and sends MCHARRIS FLYING through the PASSENGER SIDE of a NEARBY CAR and OUT THE DRIVER SIDE WINDOW.

J.R.: BRONSON HAS MCHARRIS ON THE ROPES! HE MAY KILL THE OWNER AND COMMISSIONER OF THE FTUW FEDERATION RIGHT HERE!

W.W.: This is FUCKING QUEER ASS BULLSHIT!

As McHarris DASHES from CAR to CAR, BRONSON IS YANKING OUT DETONATORS and EXPLODING VEHICLES ALL AROUND HIM! SMOKE FILLS THE AIR as the SKY RAINS GLASS, WHEELS, AND BUMPERS! A car is TOSSED TOWARDS BRONSON’S DIRECTION but HE QUICKLY DODGES as it collides with the ground! Another ONE IS HURLED AT HIM but he PRESSES THE DETONATOR and EXPLODES IT, CHANGING THE TRAJECTORY OF THE CAR. Fire continues to ERUPT THE PARKING LOT as MCHARRIS is CHASED by the EXPLOSIONS.

Bronson looks at the useless detonators all around him. He opens up his TRENCH COAT to SEE only TWO REMAINING. He GRIPS ONE IN EACH HAND and waits for MCHARRIS, trying to peer through the FLAMING WRECKAGE and SMOKE.

“You still alive?” Bronson asks. A CAR TOSSED IN HIS DIRECTION IS THE ANSWER. Bronson ROLLS OUT of the way and the CAR SKIDS ALONG THE GROUND. Bronson peers once more into the flames and reiterates. “You still alive?”

This time there’s no answer.

Bronson steps forward, DETONATORS AT THE READY, and LOOKS THROUGH THE SMOKE. There’s nothing. The camera turns around and FRAMES BRONSON’S FACE ON THE LEFT SIDE OF THE SCREEN.

“Come out come out, James,” Bronson says. IN THE BACKGROUND RISES UP JAMES BROCK MCHARRIS FROM THE FUCKING TRUNK OF THE CAR HE JUST THREW! IN EACH HAND IS A PIPE BOMB THAT HE YANKED OFF THE CARS!

“CUNTFUUUCK!!” MCHARRIS SHOUTS, SPINNING AND HURLING THE PIPE BOMBS LIKE SHOT PUT. BRONSON TURNS to see the PIPE BOMBS COLLIDING WITH HIS BODY AND IMPALING HIM. HE CHOKES UP SOME BLOOD AS MCHARRIS CHARGES DIRECTLY TOWARDS HIM! McHarris GRABS BRONSON’S HANDS AND ATTEMPTS TO SLAM PRESS THE DETONATORS DESPITE BEING MERE INCHES AWAY FROM THE EXPLOSIVES.

”FUUUCKKK YOUUUUU!” MCHARRIS SCREAMS BLOOD INTO BRONSON’S FACE. Bronson BLOCKS MCHARRIS’ THUMBS WITH HIS OWN AND THEY PROCEED TO HAVE THE MOST IMPORTANT THUMB WRESTLING MATCH IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND!

J.R.: HE’S SUICIDAL! MCHARRIS IS WILLING TO KILL HIMSELF TO KILL BRONSON!

McHarris BEGINS BEATING THE HOLY SHIT out of BRONSON WITH HIS LEGS, SLAMMING KNEES INTO HIS GUT AND RIBS. BRONSON slams a FOOT into MCHARRIS’ BALLS BUT HE DOESN’T BUDGE!

“GUNNA … RAPE … YOU … GUNNAAA …. FAAAAACK …. YOUUUUU!” MCHARRIS CHOKES OUT AS BRONSON SLAMS HIS FOOT INTO HIS BALLS OVER AND OVER. A VEIN ON MCHARRIS’ HEAD FUCKING BURSTS.

MCHARRIS SLAMS HIS FEET INTO BRONSON’S REGROWN KNEES, BREAKING THEM! As Bronson begins to SINK, MCHARRIS LIFTS HIS RIGHT ARM TO HELP PUSH DOWN HIS LEFT HAND! BRONSON, IN DESPERATION, SLAMS A POWERFUL FIST sending MCHARRIS REELING BUT STILL HANGING on with ONE HAND. As blood SPILLS from MCHARRIS’ MOUTH, he turns his HEAD AND SMILES.

HE SMILES A GAP-TOOTHED SMILE.

LETTING GO, MOTHERFUCKING BROCK MCHARRIS SPITS OUT HIS GODDAMNED TOOTH AND USES IT LIKE A BULLET TO PRESS THE DETONATOR!!

J.R.: BAH GAWD!! BAH GAWD!!

The PIPE BOMB in BRONSON’S CHEST EXPLODES, IMMEDIATELY DETONATING THE OTHER ONE. HIS BODY TURNS TO LIQUID and BATHES MCHARRIS, COVERING HIM FROM HEAD TO TOE. McHarris stands there, his EYES AND TEETH the only things not red.

W.W.: HOLY SHIT!! HE’S FUCKING DEAD!

J.R.: HE KILLED HIM! MCHARRIS KILLED HIM!

McHarris stands there, drenched in blood, a CRAZED LOOK IN HIS EYES. He turns his head to the referee and says “I won.”

“Uh, you have to pin him, sir,” the referee SHEEPISHLY TELLS HIM while also pissing all over himself. The referee EXPECTS A VIOLENT THRASHING but McHarris laughs.

“What the CUNT am I going to pin? HE’S MOTHERFUCKING SOUP!” McHarris CACKLES. McHarris dives into a puddle of BLOOD on the CONCRETE. “COUNT IT, REF!”

“O-OK sir!” the referee DROPS to the GROUND and SLAMS a hand into the concrete.

OOOOOOONE!!


TWOOOOOO!!


THR-! The ref stops!

J.R.: WHAT’S GOING ON?

“W-Why did you get it up, sir?” the ref asks as McHarris is on his knees. McHarris kneels in the blood while holding up his hand. THE BLOOD ON HIS FINGERS collects into his palm and travels down his arm OF ITS OWN ACCORD. He turns his arm over but the BLOOD just RUNS THE OTHER WAY until it DROPS INTO THE PUDDLE. All the blood in the parking lot starts to crawl to the streets as McHarris stands up, CLENCHING HIS FIST.

“HE’S FUCKING ALIVE!” MCHARRIS SHOUTS. In a gutter lies BRONSON’S SEVERED HEAD, PUSSINIUM ON HIS LIPS. On the roof of his mouth is a small plastic pouch that BRONSON TORE OPEN WITH HIS TONGUE after being EXPLODED.

“I’M GOING TO RAPE THAT GODDAMN SON OF A BITCH,” MCHARRIS SAYS, RIPPING THE DOOR OFF A NEARBY CAR. He SLAMS HIS FIST INTO THE IGNITION AND HIS PURE MANLINESS STARTS THE ENGINE. McHarris peels out of the parking LOT and heads into NEW YORK CITY, blasting through the ARMED GUARDS stationed around the ARENA.

A NEWS COPTER SPOTLIGHTS MCHARRIS’ CAR AS IT HEADS THROUGH THE CITY. A FTUW chopper fires a ROCKET at the NEWS COPTER for trying to SHOW SHIT FOR FREE THAT FANS PAID TO SEE. Elsewhere, Bronson’s bloody skeleton with dangling flesh walks into a GUN STORE and KNOCKS THE OWNER THE FUCK OUT. He starts slinging weapon after weapon onto his person.

As MCHARRIS’ DEATHMOBILE CRASHES DOWN THE STREET, PEDESTRIANS LUCKY ENOUGH NOT TO BE SPLATTERED HEAR HIM SCREAMING AS HE PASSES BY.

“GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY!” HE SAYS AS HE CRASHES ONTO THE SIDEWALK, BODIES ROLLING UP ONTO THE HOOD AND STAINING THE CAR WITH BLOOD! Ahead of him BRONSON stands in the middle of STREET, MOST OF HIS WOUNDS HEALED, WIELDING TWO SUBMACHINE GUNS while a CIGAR HANGS IN HIS MOUTH.

“YOUUUU!!” MCHARRIS SLAMS HIS FIST THROUGH THE WINDSHIELD TO DO A HULK HOGAN-ESQUE POINT! Bronson OPENS FIRE WITH HIS SMGS. The BULLETS TEAR THROUGH THE VEHICLE AS MCHARRIS RECLINES HIS SEAT TO AVOID THE RAIN OF LEAD. He slams a FOOT into the GAS PEDAL and the NEEDLE ON THE SPEEDOMETER BREAKS OFF. Once empty, Bronson DROPS THE SMGS and RETRIEVES two MORE TUCKED UNDER IN HIS BELT and BEGINS FIRING! A stray bullet SLAMS into McHarris’ SHOULDER but HE’S TOO FUCKING HIGH ON VIOLENCE TO EVEN NOTICE IT. The bumper begins dragging along the street as a BULLET KNOCKS ITS LOOSE. Soon the HEAP is SMOKING with MCHARRIS STILL NOT SLOWING.

J.R.: HE’S PLANNING ON PLOWING RIGHT THROUGH HIM!

Bronson DROPS HIS EMPTY UZIS and LIFTS his HANDCANNON, NOW RELOADED. As he takes AIM at the TIRES OF THE VEHICLE, McHarris SLAMS his ELBOW into the TOP OF THE CAR, RIPPING THE SHATTERED THING LOOSE and TURNING THE CAR INTO A CONVERTIBLE. As Bronson steadies his AIM, MCHARRIS LEANS OUT THE SIDE OF THE CAR WITH ONE ARM. As he DRIVES, HE FUCKING YANKS A STOP SIGN OUT OF THE GROUND!

“AAARGHALAHAG!!” the FTUW OWNER SCREAMS. He jerks the WHEEL AT THE LAST SECOND AND AVOIDS THE BULLET BRONSON FIRES! As the CAR PASSES THE VIGILANTE, McHarris SWINGS THE STOP SIGN, the EDGE SLASHING OPEN BRONSON’S NECK!

W.W.: HE NEARLY CUT HIS HEAD OFF WITH A FUCKING STOP SIGN.

Blood SPRAYING from Bronson’s neck, he weakly FIRES more shots of from HANDCANNON! A bullet strikes the TIRE and MCHARRIS’ CAR CRASHES INTO A TELEPHONE POLE! McHarris is FUCKING EJECTED and is sent through the BACK WINDSHIELD of ONE CAR and CRASHES HEADFIRST into the DRIVER SIDE SEAT, sending the DRIVER through the fucking windshield. Bronson shoots a DRIVER in the head as his car passes by, YANKING his CORPSE out of the car and climbing in. McHarris climbs into the front seat and REVS THE ENGINE UP. He looks in the REARVIEW MIRROR to SEE BRONSON CHASING HIM DOWN, AIMING A ASSAULT RIFLE OUT OF THE WINDOW.

“EAAAAT MY SHIIIITTT!!” MCHARRIS LEANS OUT THE DRIVER SIDE WINDOW of HIS NEW CAR AND SCREAMS! An ASSAULT RIFLE BULLET CUTS HIS CHEEK. Bronson continues the CHASE DOWN THE STREET, firing his WEAPON WILDLY. McHarris KICKS OPEN HIS DRIVER SIDE DOOR and LEANS OUT. While driving, HE YANKS OFF THE HUBCAP and HURLS IT AT BRONSON like a FUCKING DISC. The DISC crashes through the WINDSHIELD and CUTS INTO BRONSON’S SHOULDER, causing him to drop his weapon. McHarris DROPS SPEED and gets BESIDE BRONSON, SLAMMING HIS CAR INTO BRONSON’s.

“I’M GOING TO MURDER YOU!” MCHARRIS SCREAMS AT BRONSON THROUGH HIS DRIVER SIDE WINDOW.

“What?” Bronson says, rolling down the DRIVER SIDE WINDOW. MCHARRIS SLAMS HIS FIST THROUGH HIS WINDOW.

“I’M GOING TO MURDER-“ MCHARRIS IS CUT OFF when BRONSON GLEEFULLY TOSSES A GRENADE INTO HIS CAR. McHarris LEAPS FROM HIS VEHICLE, which just EXPLODED, and LATCHES ONTO THE DRIVER SIDE DOOR OF BRONSON’S CAR!

W.W.: MCHARRIS IS A KING OF MEN.

Bronson WHIPS out his HANDCANNON and FIRES at POINT-BLANK RANGE while MCHARRIS DODGES THE BULLETS. In DESPERATION, Bronson WHIPS THE CAR TOWARDS THE SIDE OF A BUILDING but McHarris LEAPS ON TOP. McHarris SLAMS A FIST THROUGH THE ROOF OF THE CAR and into BRONSON’S FACE! As the CAR is SWERVING, McHarris RIPS OPEN THE HOLE in the ROOF to CLIMB INSIDE. However, Bronson SITS THERE WAITING with his HANDCANNON. HE FIRES THE MASSIVE WEAPON and the BULLET TEARS THROUGH MCHARRIS’ LEG!

“GUUUURRRGH!!” MCHARRIS cries as BLOOD SPRAYS from his leg! He rolls off the ROOF but manages to GRAB the PASSENGER DOOR! While his LEGS ARE DRAGGING ALONG THE ROAD, BRONSON slams his FOOT into the DOOR, KNOCKING IT CLEAR OFF THE CAR WITH MCHARRIS ATTACHED! McHarris ROLLS ALONG THE STREET as Bronson SPEEDS OFF.

J.R.: BAH GAWD! That STREET AIN’T GOT NO BBQ SAUCE ON IT SO IT CAN’T TASTE GOOD!

Bronson SPINS HIS CAR AROUND and begins REVVING THE ENGINE. McHarris, his MIND HAZY, climbs to his feet despite all the injuries. Bronson SLAMS ON THE ACCELERATOR and PEELS OUT. McHarris’ starts to grow angry as Bronson is BARRELING TOWARDS HIM.

“Who the FUCK do you THINK YOU ARE?! YOU LITTLE SHIT!” McHarris says, STUMBLING on his bad leg.

J.R.: BRONSON IS LOOKING TO COMMIT VEHICULAR HOMICIDE … and I DON’T THINK MCHARRIS CAN MOVE!

“YOU ARE INSIGNIFICANT! I AM THE GOD OF THIS WORLD. YOU ARE A MERE STEPPING STONE IN MY FUCKING PATH!” HE SCREAMS, JAMMING HIS FINGERS INTO THE BULLET WOUND IN HIS LEG. He yanks OUT HIS NERVES and TIES THEM TOGETHER, returning FUNCTION to his LEG.

W.W.: SHIT!

The SPEEDOMETER READS 120 MPH ON BRONSON’S CAR. ALTHOUGH MCHARRIS STANDS THERE, WIGGLING HIS LEG TO MAKE SURE IT WORKS, HE DOESN’T MOVE. INSTEAD, HIS FACE BEGINS TO BULGE HARDER WITH ANGER. THE AREA AROUND HIM BEGINS TO WARP WITH THE MASSIVE ENERGY COMING OFF HIS GODDAMNED BODY.

“I HAVE ACHIEVED PERFECTION! I AM THE MAN WHO IS GOING TO RAPE AND DEFILE D’LO BROWN IN HUMILIATING WAYS!! I WILL SHIT ALL OVER ANYONE WHO DARES TO OPPOSE ME!”

BRONSON IS ONLY TWENTY FEET FROM THE FTUW OWNER.

”I’M JAMES BROCK MCMOTHERFUCKING HARRIS!!” HE SAYS, CHARGING FORWARD! MCHARRIS STEPS TO RIGHT AND RAISES HIS LEFT ARM! WITH A BATTLE CRY, HE FUCKING CLOTHESLINES THROUGH THE WINDSHIELD AND COLLIDES WITH BRONSON’S THROAT!!

J.R.: BAH GAWD!! BAAH GAAAWD!! HE CLOTHESLINED HIM TO HEELLLL!!

W.W.: MOTHERFUCKING CUNT SHIT!

HIS ARM CONTINUES, CARRYING BRONSON WITH IT, AS IT RIPS THROUGH THE SEATS AND OUT THE BACK OF THE CAR! The car, now a convertible, SWERVES OUT OF CONTROL AND FLIPS IN THE AIR, EXPLODING. BRONSON LIES ON THE GROUND, SPINE SEVERED AND NEARLY ALL HIS BONES BROKEN. HE CONVULSES, VOMITING UP BLOOD. McHarris stands there, ARM FILLED WITH GLASS AND METAL, GRINNING.

“That was a nice appetizer!” McHarris laughs, lifting BRONSON up BY HIS COLLAR, “But an appetizer is just an appetizer. It’s nothing COMPARED TO THE MAIN COURSE.”

Bronson gargles blood in response. McHarris YANKS BACK HIS FIST and DRIVES IT NEARLY THROUGH HIS FACE, sending BRONSON CRASHING THROUGH THE WINDOW A NEARBY STORE.

“PATHETIC!” MCHARRIS SHOUTS! BUT HIS FACE WARPS IN PAIN AFTER THAT CRY. BLOOD SPITS OUT OF HIS MOUTH! HE TURNS HIS HEAD TO SEE A LONG, METAL POLE PIERCING THROUGH HIS SHOULDER.

”WHO THE SHIT?!” MCHARRIS SCREAMS.

”RUDY RAY MOORE, MOTHERFUCKAH!!” SAYS, GRIPPING THE PIMP CANE THAT’S STUCK THROUGH JAMES BROCK MCHARRIS’ SHOULDER.

W.W.: WHAT?! CHEATER!

J.R.: IT’S RUDY RAY MOORE! The man that was supposed to tag with CHARLES BRONSON AT LAST PAY-PER-VIEW!!

“I SHOULD’VE KILLED YOU WHEN I HAD THE CHANCE!” McHarris curses!

“SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU JOCK-JAWED MOTHERFUCKAH!” he shouts. PURPLE ELECTRICITY CLIMBS THROUGH THE POLE AND ENTERS MCHARRIS’ BODY. “My Funkatricity will explode your ass.”

“YOU COCK FUCK SHIT!!” MCHARRIS SHOUTS AS THE PIERCED SHOULDER BEGINS TO EXPAND, BULGING WITH VEINS.

“A crazy muthafucka like you can’t be left alive …” he says as he CHARGES FUNKATRICTY into MCHARRIS’ BODY.

“I CAN’T …” MCHARRIS SAYS, A GIANT VEIN CRAWLING UP HIS NECK AND INTO HIS FACE AS THE ENERGY SURGES THROUGH HIS BODY, “I WON’T!!”

USING HIS MASTERY OF EVERY CELL IN HIS BODY, HE ORDERS EACH INDIVIDUAL ONE NOT TO EXPLODE. IN SECONDS, THE BULGING FLESH RECEDES. THE VEINS VANISH. HE IS PERFECTLY FINE.

”WHAT THE FUCK?!” RUDY RAY MOORE GAWKS AS MCHARRIS GRINS MANIACALLY. THE PURPLE ENERGY THAT COURSED THROUGH HIS BODY IS NOW IN HIS FIST AND HE SLAMS THAT FUCKING FIST INTO MOORE’S CHEST!!

”Go to hell and join the rest of the MAGNIFICIENT SEVEN.”

MOORE’S CHEST EXPLODES, HIS BLOOD AND ORGANS EVACUATING HIS BODY. He slumps down on his knees, blood gushing from his mouth as his body is obliterated by its own energy.

“Rat-soup … eatin’ …. Honky,” he chokes. MCHARRIS’ FIST CRASHES INTO MOORE’S FACE, CAVING HIS HEAD IN.

McHarris DIGS THROUGH THE BRAIN and clutches the PUSSINIUM SHARD powering his BODY. He smiles and CRUSHES the SHARD IN HIS FINGERS, BLOWING THE DUST INTO THE NIGHT AIR.

“SPEND YOUR LAST SECONDS IN REGRET!” McHarris spits on Moore’s DYING BODY. Suddenly, he hears the START OF AN ENGINE. He turns his head to see Bronson’s face in the PITCH DARKNESS of the store he just plowed him through.

“HAVEN’T YOU LEARNED?!” McHarris screams. McHarris suddenly notices the SIGN OF THE STORE. “EMMET’S HARDWARE STORE.” Out from the DARKNESS EMERGES CHARLES BRONSON, HIS ARMS AND LEGS REPLACED WITH MOTHERFUCKING CHAINSAWS!

J.R.: WHAT THE FUCK!

W.W.: HOW IS THAT-FUCK! HOW IS THAT EVEN-SHIT!!

MCHARRIS LAUGHS and BEGINS LAUGHING RETARDEDLY, bending over until he’s PARALLEL TO THE GROUND. Rudy Ray Moore’s body decomposes into a gelatinous goo.

“I’m sorry, Rudy. My bad luck ends here,” he says, WALKING FORWARD ON HIS SPINNING CHAINSAW LEGS.

“WHY BOTHER? What’s the POINT? You can barely move!” McHarris tells him as BRONSON CONTINUES TO APPROACH, “DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE DOING?”

”I’m trying to stop a mad man who wants to destroy the world.”

”MAD? FUCKING MAD?! I’M A GODDAMNED GENIUS!” he cries as BRONSON tries to STAND on his SHATTERED LEGS, “How many people die EVERYDAY without accomplishing anything? EVEN WORSE, people exit their life SATISFIED with MEASLY ACCOMPLISHMENTS like a high-paying job or a hot wife. THIS IS ALL POINTLESS BULLSHIT!”

“People are satisfied being better than average. That’s all they strive for. NO ONE WANTS TO BEST. And even those FAGGOTS in the OLYMPICS, those PUSSIES playing SPORTS, they all strive for SOMETHING THAT MEANS NOTHING. LIFE OR DEATH. WHO IS THE STRONGEST. WHO IS KING GOD?!”

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

”When D’Lo gets here, WHEN D’LO COMES TO THIS PLANET ONCE AGAIN, I WILL FUCKING STRANGLE HIM TO DEATH WITH HIS OWN INTESTINES! I AM THE MAN WHO WILL YANK EVERY BONE OUT OF HIS BODY. I WILL FLAY HIS SKIN. I WILL EAT HIS FUCKING HEART. I WILL TORTURE HIM AND PROCLAIM MYSELF THE MOST POWERFUL BEING IN THE UNIVERSE.”

“If you bring D’Lo here, there won’t be a universe.”

“After that point, it won’t matter.”

W.W.: Wait, what’s going on?

BRONSON STANDS A MERE FIVE FEET FROM MCHARRIS, HIS CHAINSAW BLADES SPINNING, HIS NEW LIMBS DESPERATE TO GET SOME MURDERING DONE.

“This is it. The last round,” McHarris smiles. Bronson takes a step forward. McHarris raises his fists.

INSTANTLY, BRONSON SNAPS FORWARD and NAILS MCHARRIS WITH A CHAINSAW TO THE FACE! McHarris STUMBLES BACK, HIS CHEEK TORN, and retaliates with a KICK TO THE RIBS. The BROKEN BONES rattle around his side. BRONSON charges forward, DESPERATELY HURLING CHAINSAW STABS! McHarris grabs both BLADES DESPITE THEM CUTTING INTO HIS HANDS and NAILS A KICK TO BRONSON’S JAW, KNOCKING IT CLEAR OFF HIS FUCKING FACE!

“You can’t beat me!” he laughs. MCHARRIS assaults BRONSON with a FLURRY OF FISTS. Bronson RETALIATES, slamming a CHAINSAW BLADE through McHarris’ shoulder. MCHARRIS CHARGES through the FISTS and CONTINUES THE PUNISHMENT! As Bronson delivers a CHAINSAW KICK to McHarris’ thigh, HE CONNECTS with a CRUSHING ELBOW to BRONSON’S HEAD. The barely reformed skull crumbles easily. THROUGH THE BLOOD MCHARRIS CAN SEE THE GREEN GLINT of BRONSON’S JEWEL OF THE DAMNED SHARD.

“PLAYTIME’S OVAH!!” HE SCREAMS, STEPPING FORWARD to FIRE OFF A FINAL STRAIGHT THAT WILL KILL BRONSON ONCE AND FOR ALL. BUT AS HE ATTEMPTS TO STEP IN, HIS BODY WON’T MOVE. HE LOOKS DOWN AND SEES his leg, the LEG that BRONSON SHOT, GUSHING with BLOOD from THE CHAINSAW KICK BRONSON JUST DELIVERED.

”KCK!!” MCHARRIS CRIES as the FIST HE THROWS doesn’t REACH BRONSON. Bronson steps UNDER the FIST and HURLS a CHAINSAW RIGHT INTO MCHARRIS’ FACE!

J.R.: BAH GAWD!! BAAH GAWD!! HE’S DEAD!

BLOOD SQUIRTS FROM MCHARRIS’ HEAD AS THE BLADE TEARS INTO-BUT WAIT! MCHARRIS IS BITING THE CHAINSAW BLADE! ONLY THE SIDES OF HIS MOUTH ARE TORN!

“GRAAHAHAHAL!” MCHARRIS SCREAMS, SWINGING HIS HEAD AND RIPPING THE CHAINSAW FROM BRONSON’S ARM. He opens his MOUTH, THE CHAINSAW SPINS A 180, AND HE CATCHES THE HANDLE WITH HIS TEETH. NOT STOPPING HIS CIRCULAR SPIN, HE SLASHES BRONSON’S CHEST OPEN with THE CHAINSAW IN HIS MOUTH.

J.R.: FUCK!

Bronson swings his CHAINSAW but MCHARRIS BLOCKS IT WITH HIS OWN. THEY BEGIN SLAMMING CHAINSAWS TOGETHER, HAVING A MOTHERFUCKING CHAINSAW SWORD FIGHT. As Bronson SWINGS his CHAINSAW ARM, McHarris ducks it AND CUTS THE FUCKING THING OFF! WASTING NO TIME, BRONSON DOES A HANDSTAND ON HIS BLEED WRISTS AND DOES A CAPOIERA STYLE SPIN ATTACK WITH HIS FUCKING FUCK CHAINSAW LEGS!

W.W.: THIS IS FUCKING AWESOME!

McHarris ATTEMPTS TO DEFLECT THE SPINNING CHAINSAW BLADES OF DESTRUCTION but the CHAIN on his CHAINSAW BREAKS! He drops the weapon and dashes back but BRONSON CLOSES IN, SLASHING UP MCHARRIS’S FOREARMS! MCHARRIS SCREAMS. BRONSON SPRINGS FORTH WITH HIS WRISTS AND ATTEMPTS A CHAINSAW DROPKICK!

“FUCK THIS SHIT!” MCHARRIS SCREAMS, THROWING HIS TWO FISTS FORWARD. The FISTS COLLIDE WITH THE TIPS OF THE CHAINSAWS, TEARING UP HIS KNUCKLES AND EXPOSING THE BONE! HOWEVER, HIS PLAN WORKS AND THE CHAINS ON THE CHAINSAWS BURSTS OFF FROM THE FORCE OF THE ATTACK!

McHarris DROPS TO THE GROUND AND NAILS A SWEEP that KNOCKS OFF BRONSON’S CHAINSAW LEGS. Falling backwards, Bronson backflips off his MEATY, VEINY BLOBS that are his REGROWING HANDS. PAIN SHOOTS THROUGH his body as HIS REGROWING FEET are merely BUNDLES OF NERVE AND FLESH. James Brock McHarris charges forward and slams MACH SPEED punches into Bronson’s GUT. Without fists, HE COUNTERS by NAILING an ELBOW into MCHARRIS’ EYEBALL! McHarris, TEMPORARILY BLINDED, stumbles back while BRONSON CHARGES FORTH ON HIS ANKLES! McHarris attempts to block BRONSON’S ELBOW combo but he no longer has the energy! ELBOWS TO HIS RIBS, CHEST, and FACE SEND HIM REELING. McHarris throws a FIST but it’s EASILY DODGED and RECIPROCATED WITH AN ELBOW IN THE THROAT! THE VIOLENT COMBO CONTINUES!

J.R.: HE MIGHT DO IT! BRONSON HAS HIM AT HIS WIT’S END!

McHarris throws a FIST THAT IS DODGED BY BRONSON. Still blind, when McHarris opens his eyes HE NO LONGER SEES THE VIGILANTE. McHarris looks down to see BRONSON CROUCHED with HIS ARM BULGING RETARDEDLY. MCHARRIS’ FACE WIDENS IN HORROR AS THE MEATY FIST FLIES UPWARD. MERE INCHES AWAY FROM CONTACT, THE KNUCKLES REGROW AND THE FUCKING THING SLAMS INTO HIS MCHARRIS’ JAW! THE UPPERCUT EXPLODES BRONSON’S FIST AND SENDS MCHARRIS FLYING NEARLY TWENTY FEET INTO THE AIR!!

J.R.: BAH GAWD!!

Bronson, WASTING NO TIME, CROUCHES DOWN and COLLECTS WHAT LITTLE POWER HE HAS LEFT FOR A MAMMOTH LEAP. As his muscles EXPAND to LET HIM JUMP, his REGROWING FEET EXPLODE AS HIS BODY LEAVES THE GROUND. Soaring STRAIGHT UP LIKE A BULLET, HE FLIES TOWARDS MCHARRIS AND GRABS HIS LEGS.

”DEAAATH WISH!!” BRONSON SCREAMS!

J.R.: BAH GAWD!! HE’S GOING TO DO THAT FUCKING POWERBOMB TWENTY FEET TO THE CONCRETE!!

W.W.: NO! SOMEBODY STOP HIM!

As BRONSON HURLS MCHARRIS DOWN TOWARDS THE EARTH, READY TO POWERBOMB HIM TO HELL, MCHARRIS FACE POPS UP WITH A RETARDEDLY INSANE EXPRESSION. IN MID-AIR, HE CLAMPS HIS FINGERS INTO BRONSON’S SKULL, DIGGING HIS FINGERS INTO HIS HEAD.

“I CAN’T! I WONT!! FUUUUCKKK YOUUUUU!!” MCHARRIS SPITS BLOOD IN A HELLISH YELL. HE YANKS BRONSON’S HEAD BETWEEN HIS THIGHS, CHANGING THE FUCKING DEATH WISH POWERBOMB INTO A GODDAMNED PILEDRIVER!!

J.R.: BAAAAAH GAAAWD!!

THEY FUCKING CRASH INTO THE EARTH, BRONSON’S BODY LIQUIFYING ON IMPACT! GUTS AND BONE AND BRAIN AND EVERYTHING ELSE THAT’S IN THE HUMAN BODY EJACULATE INTO THE AIR. McHarris lies in the pool of Bronson’s blood, the expression on his face similar to his post-orgasm face, SLIGHTLY CONVULSING FROM THE MOVE. The Pussinium shard floats on the blood towards McHarris. He picks it up and crushes it into his fist!

J.R.: I can’t believe it! HE’S … !

The referee rides up on a scooter. He drops to the ground and begins the count. 1, 2, 3. Charles Bronson is DEAD.

[Yogurtman]

J.R.: Bah gawd, can you believe that WASN'T our main event?

WW: I have goosebumps, Jim. I knew McHarris was a REAL MAN, but I've never seen anything like what we just saw tonight. Luckily, we go from one real American to another with the Ant King defending his AMERICAN title against Queer.

J.R.: Queer? Don't you mean Krystøl?

WW: I refuse to say that fucking liberal queer's name again. I'm absolutely flabbergasted that this asshole is even allowed to compete. I mean, think about this. Not to question James Brock McHarris' genius, so he may have a plan that none of us can even comprehend, but look what Queer has done. Now, I wasn't here at the time, but from what I've been told, he killed an American hero named Queerbasher by sodomizing him with a pole. He nearly died at the first Last House on the Left without even putting up a fight. When he returned, HE CHEATED his way to the Non-American title only to later be defeated BY A CHINK. And that's not even mentioning the fact that he has sex with men.

J.R.: I don't see what that has to do with anything, Warrior. I agree that Krystøl is an all around despicable character, but his sexual orientation shouldn't matter.

WW: My God, Jim, the fucking p/c liberals have gotten to you. Don't you understand how the diseased mind of a queer works? All they desire is anal sex and the destruction of both themselves and the world around them. They have no RESPECT for any decent way of life because as much as they DESIRE it, they can never have it. Not as long as they're sticking their MEAT STICKS in men's SHIT PIPES.

Now, I understand that being a queer is not always the fault of the queer. Sometimes children are sexually abused and it can screw up their normal development. But to take PRIDE in your sick, diseased actions because you claim you can't control them is a LIE, a p/c lie. I won't tolerate lies, Jim. You know this. Queer is just another queer who refuses to IMPROVE his life by renouncing his deviant ways and takes his pain, the pain of never being able to live a normal life, he takes his pain out on everyone around him. It's sick, J.R.

J.R.: Well, uh, you've certainly educated me. Let's head to Todd Lightning in the ring.

"ARE YOU READY?"

The fans are fucking ready!

"ARE YOU READY FOR BLOOOOOOOOOODSHEEEEEEEEED?"

The crowd cheers even harder, the intensity causing their veins to FUCKING BURST and blood runs down their goddamned faces.

"Coming to the ring first, from an unknown location (probably San Francisco) and weighing in at 81.65 kilograms, the challenger, Krystøl!"

Krystøl walks down the ramp in his Non-American silk robe and holding a little boy's hand. The little boy looks scared as the thousands of people in Madison Square Garden boo Krystøl. He starts wiping away the tears in his eyes and when Krystøl sees this he yells, "Goddamn it, stop crying," which only makes the boy cry more. Unable to tolerate it anymore, Krystøl slaps the boy, stunning him into silence. "Finally."

When they get to the ring, Krystøl motions to the boy to hold the ropes open for him, but the boy's small arms are too weak to push them up much. Tired of waiting, Krystøl pulls the boy's pants down and starts sucking on his tiny, immature penis.

WW: Oh my God, what the fuck is this shit? Jesus Christ!

J.R.: I can't believe he's doing this! Krystøl is molesting that boy in front of a crowd of thousands, with billions watching live on television around the world!

WW: That sick queer! If I wasn't in this jar, I'd kill that queer myself!

As if on cue (it is), I'm A Real American begins playing over the public address system and THE FUCKING ANT KING SWINGS DOWN ON A ROPE and kicks Krystøl into the ring! As the Ant King savagely stomps the faggot, Piccolo runs down and rescues the boy.

WW: Yeah! Take that you fucking queer!

J.R.: Ant King was able to save the boy from further molestation and is pushing his advantage.

The bell rings while Krystøl continues to get his ass kicked. Finally, he rolls outside of the ring and paces around the edge, yelling at the ref for allowing it. "He attacked me before the bell rang! That bastard touched me and my beautiful face!" The ref responds by giving the Ant King a thumbs up and starting the ten count. Krystøl, enraged, fires a jewel from his finger tip that pierces the ref's skull.

As Krystøl smiles smugly, a shot rings out from the rafters as TOM SELLECK shot Krystøl in the back of the head with rifle, knocking his face into the apron. Only his hard, diamond shell kept his brains from splattering all over the floor. Krystøl turns to see who shot him and the Ant King uses the opportunity to leap over the ropes and do a FLYING BULLDOG, smashing Krystøl's face against the ground.

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA, MOTHER BITCHES!!!!!!!!!" The crowd starts chanting the Ant King's name while a new ref runs down the ramp to replace the one who just died.

J.R.: Krystøl --

WW: Queer. Call him Queer.

J.R.: Uh, Queer hasn't been able to mount any offense at all as the Ant King stomps a goddamned mudhole in his ass.

WW: He's the real deal, Jim. If anyone has a real chance to unify the titles, it's the Ant King.

J.R.: Well, that's what he claims, at any rate.

WW: IT'S THE TRUTH.

The Ant King picks up Krystøl and throws him back into the ring. Krystøl is able to get back to his feet before Ant King gets in and fires a hail of stones at Ant King from his palms. The Ant King's hard exoskeleton deflects all of the attacks into the audience, killing hundreds as McHarris's accountants jerk off to the additional ticket sales. The Ant King keeps walking forward, shrugging off the projectiles and smiling maniacally at Krystøl, who retreats in fear. He's never seen anything like this before! The Ant King is a monster!

WW: YES! YES! KILL HIM!

Krystøl is backed against the ropes and the Ant King gets close enough to grab Krystøl's wrists and twists them. Krystøl can't escape the Ant King's grip and starts kicking his opponent in a vain attempt to loose himself. "God, let go of me. Please, I'm too pretty to be hurt!"

"THAT'S TOO DAMN BAD, FAGGOT!!!"

THE ANT KING FUCKING TWISTS THOSE LIMP WRISTS UNTIL THE BONES BREAK!

J.R.: Bah Gawd! Bah Gawd! I didn't think anyone could hurt Krystøl --

WW: QUEER!

J.R.: Could hurt Queer that bad! This is unbelievable!

Sapphire tears run down Krystøl's cheeks as pain wracks his faggoty body. "Oh God, stop, Ant King. Let's be reasonable."


"HOW ABOUT YOU SUCK MY FUCKING COCK!!"

THE ANT KING STARTS HEADBUTTING THAT FAGGOT OVER AND OVER, CRACKING AWAY TINY LAYERS OF GEMS AT A TIME UNTIL FINALLY, THE QUEER'S HUMAN SKIN IS REVEALED. THE ANT KING WINDS UP AND PUNCHES HIM IN THE EXPOSED FOREHEAD REGION AND BLOOD COATS HIS FIST AS HE COCKS AND PUNCHES AGAIN AND AGAIN.

J.R.: This is brutal! I've never seen anything like this!

WW: This is the best day of my life!

The Ant King picks Krystøl's limp body up and gorilla press slams him. Krystøl can only twitch uncontrollably.

"Miss Cleo, use your got ham psychic powers!" The Ant King yells out to the crowd.

"I hear ya, darling, now. Brace yerself," Miss Cleo says, placing her fingers against her temples. She rubs them and her body starts shaking and then she fucking shits her pants.

SUDDENLY, THE FUCKING RING LIFTS UP OFF OF THE GROUND!!!!!

J.R.: I already said it once, but BAH GAWD! BAH GAWD!

While the ring is flying up into the air, the Ant King starts running, causing the ring the spin faster and faster. Krystøl tries to regain his footing, but the fucking fluid in his ears is sloshing around like something that fucking sloshes around a lot and he falls on his stupid faggot face.

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!" THE ANT KING USES HIS MOMENTUM TO GRAB QUEER AND JUMPS OFF, SPINNING SO FAST THAT HE'S LIKE A FUCKING BLUR, AND PILEDRIVES FAGGOT INTO THE GROUND FROM A HUNDRED FEET IN THE AIR, CREATING A GIANT CRATER IN THE FLOOR.

J.R.: (Grabs his headphones and yells because he's gone temporarily deaf from the insanity.)

Krystøl's neck is shattered and his head flops around as the Ant King stomps his stupid faggot ass. Finally, while Krystøl vomits up blood, Piccolo runs up and grabs the Ant King's shoulders, "Boss, relax. Just pin him!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" The Ant King punches Piccolo in the face and then straddles Krystøl and punches him over and over again in the face. While the Ant King is out of control, Miss Cleo passes out and the ring falls from the sky.

"Kkch ... Kchlook ... up .... asshole ...." Krystøl mumbles just before the ring smashes them both.

J.R.: Why doesn't the ref just stop this? This is just senseless brutality.

WW: Because everyone likes it when a queer gets his ass kicked. Also, the ref was on the ring that just exploded.

The Ant King stands up, throwing the rubble off of his back and grunting. After a few seconds of unfocused staring straight ahead and heavy breathing, the Ant King falls over, pining Krystøl.

ONE-

TWO-

THREE!

The bell rings! The Ant King wins!

J.R.: The Ant King successfully defends his title!

WW: No one can beat the Ant King, Jim. Not even me, if I still had legs.

Piccolo runs up to his boss and picks up him, the Ant King is still unconscious. "Come on, boss, wake up!" Piccolo keeps shaking him when he hears a clattering of, you know, ring stuff.

"I WILL NOT BE DEFEATED BY TRASH LIKE YOU!"

J.R.: Krystøl is still alive! Krystøl is still alive! But if the Ant King doesn't wake up, he won't be!

Krystøl stands up and his broken forearms are coated in thick crystal casts and his neck has also be reinforced. He uppercuts Piccolo, knocking him into the air, sending him rolling along the ground.

"IT'S NOT FUCKING OVER, ANT KING!" Krystøl inhales and then blows out a GIANT POINTED GEM that zooms for the Ant King's face!

WW: Not like this! Not like this!

FUCKING SUDDENLY, a long metal rod shoots out in front of the Ant King's face, saving him. When Krystøl looks to see who did it, he is struck with fear so deep, he can't help but release his bowels.

J.R.: It ... It can't be!

WW: Who is it?

J.R.: He's too big and powerful to be who I think he is. What's going on here?

The pole hits Krystøl's face and he falls to the ground hard. Out of the crowd leaps ...




J.R.: MY GOD, IT'S QUEERBASHER!

"QUUUUUUUUUUUUUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!"

The pole retracts to normal size as Super Queerbasher runs toward the prone Krystøl and starts savagely beating his skull in. Teeth are knocked loose and blood runs along the floor. Super Queerbasher picks Krystøl up by the throat and whispers, "Queer."

"No, you were dead ... Theldorrin finished you off. I was there! I saw it!" Krystøl shakes his head, fearing for his life. He remembers what Queerbasher did to him and what he did to Queerbasher.

"Queer!"

Super Queerbasher throws Krystøl down on his stomach and lowers his pole to his side. He cocks the pole back and charges forward JAMMING THE FUCKING POLE UP THE QUEER'S ASSHOLE.

J.R.: Queerbasher is finally getting his revenge for what Krystøl did to him almost a year ago!

WW: (Stunned silence)

Dr. Daniel Mented and Bizarro Selena stand in front of the entrance, Dr. Mented rubbing his hands together. "Excellent. Everything goes according to plan, Selena. Let's go, Super Queerbasher can have his fun."

Super Queerbasher, with all his strength, jams the pole up Krystøl's ass. When he can't push any farther, he lifts Krystøl up, leaps into the air and throws Krystøl ass first into the ground, sending the tip of the pole up to his throat, blood seeps from his ravaged rectum.

All Super Queerbasher says as he pushes a button at the base of the pole is a muted "Queer" and then the pole extends, busting through the top of Krystøl's head.

J.R.: Krystøl's dead! Queerbasher killed him!

WW: My God ... Son?

J.R.: !

"Boss, it's over, you won," a hurt Piccolo says. "Krystøl is dead."

"Of course he's dead, moran. LET'S GO FUCK SOME WHORES!!!!!!!!!!"

Backstage at Madison Square Garden, James Brock McHarris is walking through the hallway, covered in blood from his match with Charles Bronson. As he approaches his office, he notices the entire area COVERED IN BLOOD. He charges into his office and sees the thirty armed guards he had placed there TORN TO SHREDS. The titanium vault on the wall has been RIPPED OPEN.

“WHAT THE SHIT?!”

And back at the commentator’s booth!

J.R.: Your son … is QUEERBASHER?

W.W.: I never thought I’d see him again after what Krystol did to him. That goddamned fucking DEGENERATE QUEER killed MY SON. In the FTUW ARENA he was QUEERED with a METAL POLE UP HIS CHRISTIAN ASS. It was horrific! I can only give my eternal gratitude to whoever resurrected my son. Now that I don’t have a FUCKING DICK, the WARRIOR LINE CAN BE CONTINUED.

[Yogurtman]

J.R.: Anyway, we have our MAIN EVENT coming up. It’s the match you have all been waiting for! The MINISTER of BEARDS GUAN FEI taking on the UNSTOPPABLE THELDORRIN XIV for the FTUW CHAMPIONSHIP!

W.W.: This has been a feud that has been BOILING for MONTHS and tonight is the night it’s going to CULMINATE. These two have fought a WAR over CHINA in the past will fight a WAR inside the SQUARED CIRCLE. No COUNTS! No DISQUALIFICATIONS! Just TWO MEN will battle through BLOOD, SWEAT, and TEARS for the TITLE they hold so dearly!

J.R.: It all started at our LAST PAY-PER-VIEW, ROYAL RAPING: GOD IS GAY! Let’s take a look!

***

The screen changes to SEPIA-TONED footage of the RAVING CROWD at ROYAL RAPING.

J.R.: The last one left in this RING will face THELDORRIN XIV for the FTUW CHAMPIONSHIP at EXTREME HARDCORE: FUCK YOU 2006!

The footage then shows the COUNTLESS BATTLES between all the FIGHTERS. Each punch is shown in slow-motion and is accompanied with a SOUND EFFECT of an EXPLOSION. J.R.’s “BAH GAWD” is spliced in over and over.

J.R.: JADE SPEAR! BAH GAWD!

THE SPEAR SENDS HARD’ROK FLYING THROUGH THE ROPES AND INTO THE BARRIER! HE HACKS UP BLOOD BEFORE FALLING FACE FIRST ONTO THE ARENA FLOOR AND BECOMING ELECTROCUTED. HARD’ROK HAS BEEN ELIMINATED!

J.R.: Now there’s only two left!

AND WITH ONLY TWO LEFT, GUAN FEI TAKES THE WEAK PUFF RYDER AND HURLS HIM OVER THE TOP ROPE! PUFF RYDER FALLS TO THE ARENA FLOOR BUT SUDDENLY STOPS. SOMETHING IS HOLDING HIM UP!

IT’S MOTHERFUCKING THELDORRIN XIV!

J.R.: THAT SON OF A BITCH!

THELDORRIN STANDS ON THE BARRIER, HOLDING PUFF RYDER UP BY HIS DREADS. His body is STILL DAMAGED FROM THE TITLE FIGHT but he’s wearing a new, TEMPORARY ARMOR PLACED ON.

“You … !” Guan Fei curses.

Puff Ryder, the last contestant, is hung FROM THE RAFTERS while GUAN FEI and THELDORRIN DUKE IT OUT IN THE CROWD.

“You brash, arrogant FOOL!” Theldorrin laughs, FALLING STRAIGHT DOWN AND CRUSHING SOME ELDERLY PEOPLE THAT SOMEHOW SURVIVED THIS LONG. Guan Fei, BLOOD SPEWING FROM HIS FACE (ALONG WITH TEETH) crashes down into THE FANS WHO CATCH HIM! THE CROWD BEGINS A GUAN FEI CHANT.

J.R.: THOSE FANS ARE KEEPING THE MAN THEY LOVE IN THIS MATCH!

Theldorrin’s ARMS transform into CHAINSAWS and he begins OBLITERATING everyone in the crowd. Before he reaches GUAN FEI, however, a MIRACLE HAPPENS.

J.R.: MOTHERFUCKING ROBERT MCCOY JUST KICKED THELDORRIN IN THE FACE!

Guan Fei hits the JADE SPEAR on PUFF RYDER, sending him to the ground and ELIMINATING HIM. GUAN FEI WINS! HE GETS THE TITLE SHOT! SHIT!

***

J.R.: I dare to say that this match isn’t even about the title. It’s about DEATH. Guan Fei has loathed Theldorrin ever since he destroyed Beijing. And Theldorrin basically hates everyone in general. THIS A FEUD FORGED IN BLOOD.

W.W.: Well, let’s not WAIT ANY LONGER to see these two KILL EACH OTHER. Lightning is in the ring!

Lightning: Ladies and gentleman. LET’S GET REAAADY TO MUUUURDEEEER!!

The CROWD ERUPTS in CHEERS. A FEW PEOPLE GNAW ON THEIR FLESH TO THE BONE IN EXCITEMENT.

Lightning: Coming to the RING FIRST, weighing in at 301 pounds and HAILING from SHANGHAI, CHINA. He is a former NON-AMERICAN CHAMPION … THE MINSTER OF BEARDS ... GUAAAAN FEEEEEEI!!

The CROWD FUCKING EXPLODES as “I AM A REAL CHINAMAN” begins BLASTING OVER THE PA SYSTEM.

#I AM A REAL CHINAMAN
FIGHT FOR THE RICE OF EVERY MAN
I AM A REAL CHINAMAN
FIGHT FOR THE RICE! FIGHT FOR WHAT’S RIGHT!#

A chorus of CHEERS ACCOMPANIES GUAN FEI BURSTING THE FUCK ONTO STAGE while riding MECHA AFRICAN DREAM. Wearing his MOST FANCIEST OF ROBES, he rides his robotic HORSE down the AISLE, accompanied by his SON, GUAN NO, and his zombie dictator demon companion MOOLY. Slung over GUAN FEI’S SHOULDER is his LEGENDARY SPEAR, KILLING THE DRAGON.

J.R.: Guan Fei was our former NON-AMERICAN CHAMPION, losing the belt to current champion the ANT KING. He has come here LOOKING FOR the MOST PRIZED POSESSION in the WORLD OF WARRIORS, the FTUW CHAMPIONSHIP.

W.W.: Too bad he ain’t gonna get it! Theldorrin may have lost the belt to SAKETUMI, but he fucking died! Regardless of that, he got it back anyway by beating the JEWISH CONSPIRACY and vanquishing GOLDMAN.

Mooly and Guan No stand in GUAN FEI’s CORNER as he ENTERS THE RING. He removes the top part of his robe, REVEALING his INCREDIBLY MUSCULAR FRAME lined with SCARS from previous matches (Mostly the one against the Ant King).

J.R.: Regardless, you are right, Warrior. Winning this match won’t be easy. Dare I say it, SURVIVING this match won’t be easy! Theldorrin is a TWO TIME champion in the FTUW, the only other to share that honor is MOLOCH ARSCHLOCH in the most shittiest of technicalities. XIV has put away two of the STRONGEST fighters the world has ever seen: Handsomus R. Awesome and Rakkyu Saketumi! Guan Fei has his work cut out for him!

Lightning: And his opponent … weighing in at over a HALF A TON and HAILING from a space station in EARTH’S ORBIT. He is a TWO-TIME and the CURRENT FTUW CHAMPION ... THELDOOORIN … X … I … VEEEEEE!!

An entirely robotic orchestra begins playing “ODE TO THELDORRIN” as the LIGHTS DIM. Although the task of performing Theldorrin’s entrance theme is left to METALLIC HANDS, the beings that are carrying THELDORRIN to the RING on his throne are human! As his slaves are nearly crushed while bringing him to the ring, Theldorrin sits in his throne looking bored, SWISHING around WINE while propping up his chin with his METALLIC GAUNTLET. As with every Pay-Per-View, Theldorrin’s armor has CHANGED SLIGHTLY in appearance. With every upgrade he becomes more powerful and now Theldorrin XIV, or XIV.VIII if you will, is now at his strongest. In his CHEST are the SIX TIME DIAMONDS he possesses.

J.R.: Theldorrin has consistently been involved in every single main event of every Pay-Per-View save one. Like it or not, his metal mug is the FACE OF FTUW.

W.W.: And for good reason, he’s a fucking BADASS! I like seeing the underdog triumph as much as anyone, but don’t hedge your bets on it tonight!

As the TEAM CARRIES THELDORRIN and his THRONE to the side of the RING, he RAISES his METALLIC HAND and the RICHONIUM CRYSTAL imbedded in the fist begins to glow. With a SNAP of his fingers, the THRONE IMMEDIATELY CRUSHES THE MEN UNDERNEATH HIM into a FUCKING PASTE! Theldorrin LEAPS SURPRISINGLY GRACEFULLY for a 500 POUND ROBOT from his THRONE into the RING, landing gently.

J.R.: Look at the stare Fei is giving Theldorrin. He can’t wait to rip into him.

W.W.: But Theldorrin looks like he could care less!

Theldorrin pulls the FTUW Championship off his shoulder and holds it by its STRAP in front of GUAN FEI. He takes the belt and TOSSES ONTO THE MAT!

J.R.: Is Theldorrin DISRESPECTING the BELT?

“Go ahead, take it, I don’t want it anymore,” Theldorrin tells K’unt-Smak.

“Are you mocking me?” Fei replies.

“After tonight, I won’t have use for such trivial possessions after tonight,” Theldorrin tells him. The referee grabs the TITLE and hands it to the TIME KEEPER at ringside. This time, the referee gets CLEAR OUTSIDE the ring before calling the bell!

J.R.: And it begins!

“Theldorrin, for the crimes that you have committed, for the danger to the world you have become … I must destroy you!” FEI POINTS TO HIM DRAMATICALLY.

“Hmph! You have been meddling in my business for long enough. I will use your BONES to pave the bridge that will bring me to absolute victory!” Theldorrin tells him.

“May the gods have mercy on your soul!” FEI TELLS HIM, WHILE SPRINGING FORWARD.

“HAVE AT YOU, FAGGOT!” Theldorrin CHARGES FORWARD.

BOOOOOM!!

The two STAND FACE TO FACE, FIST TO JAW, as ENERGY EXPLODES FROM THEM. Guan Fei rockets backwards and lands on his knees as Theldorrin STUMBLES, a SMALL DENT made in his FACE PLATE.

J.R.: And things start off with a BANG!

Theldorrin POINTS HIS FINGERS to GUAN FEI and fires ELECTRICAL COILS FROM THE TIPS. Guan Fei dashes forward and KARATE KICKs them to shreds, continuing forward. He LEAPS into the AIR and slams his feet into THELDORRIN’S GUARD. Theldorrin SKIDS back from the attack and BLASTS FORWARD. Steam EJECTS from his JOINTS as the PISTONS in his ARM FIRE OFF A FIST. Guan Fei SWAYS to the SIDE and GRABS the ARM, using the momentum against him to HURL him into the ROPES! The ROPES begin to RIP as the MASSIVE WEIGHT HITS THEM. However, since the FTUW employs metallic cables used in building bridges for their rings, THEY HOLD and THELDORRIN is PROPELLED BACK to MEET a CLOTHESLINE FROM FEI!

J.R.: And Fei’s taking him to the TOOL SHED!

Theldorrin stands up and PINCHES HIS FINGERS TOGETHER. “MOBIUS BAND” he SHOUTS, unleashing the SPACE DISTORTING ATTACK. Fei dodges it, a small PORTION OF HIS BEARD caught in the BLAST, and DASHES FORWARD. He SLIDES DOWN on his knees to avoid a MONSTROUS HOOK and slams an ELBOW into his Theldorrin’s ROBO-GUT. As Theldorrin bends over, GUAN FEI LEAPS UP AND GOES FOR THE DIAMOND CUTTER!

J.R.: DIAMOND- NO WAIT!

Theldorrin wraps his ARMS AROUND FEI and hits him with a GIGANTIC BACK DROP. Fei rolls to his feet and begins SLAMMING FIST AFTER FIST into Theldorrin’s TORSO. Theldorrin ATTEMPTS to BEAR HUG Guan Fei but FEI LEAP FROGS over the ATTEMPT and turns it into FACEBUSTER!

J.R.: And the FACEBUSTER! Theldorrin doesn’t look happy!

THE METALLIC OVERLORD rises to HIS FEET and THROWS a TITANIC STRAIGHT. The BLOW MISSES as FEI steps OUT OF THE RANGE but THELDORRIN’S ELBOW SPRAYS STEAM and the ENTIRE FIST LAUNCHES FORWARD. The huge FIST CLOCKS the MINISTER of BEARDS into the JAW, sending him INTO THE TURNBUCKLE. The fans ERUPT at the first sight of BLOOD.

“Goddamn chink,” Theldorrin mutters, retracting his LAUNCHED FIST by CABLE. He raises his LEFT FIST as FEI tries to gain his BEARINGS on the TURNBUCKLE. Theldorrin’s LEFT FIST begins SPINNING AT RETARDEDLY HIGH SPEEDS, looking like a TORNADO. He LAUNCHES the DRILLING FIST at GUAN FEI. He flips over the FIST and lets it collide with the turnbuckle, REDUCING INTO TWISTED METAL INSTANTLY.

W.W.: That would have LIQUIFIED Guan Fei if it him!

Both of XIV’s ARMS RETRACT and CONNECT as Guan Fei approaches him. Fei goes for a FLYING KNEE but Theldorrin SWATS HIM out of the AIR with a behemoth SLAP. Guan Fei hits the MAT and BOUNCES, STRADDLING AGAINST THE ROPES. Wasting no time, THELDORRIN IGNITES his ROCKETS and BURSTS FORWARD. The Chinese Champion evades the MOVE and the SHEER FORCE behind THELDORRIN’S FIST rolls off his KNUCKLES and hits a FAN SITTING IN THE FRONT ROW, the G FORCE BLOWING BACK his SKIN UNTIL HIS FACE IS RIPPED OFF.

“Aren’t you getting tired of running?” Theldorrin asks Guan Fei. Guan Fei cautiously circles Theldorrin, ignoring his insults. GUAN FEI RAISES HIS LEFT HAND and it IMMEDIATELY BEGINS TRANSFORMING. From his wrist and onto the MAT FALLS A MACE ON A CHAIN.

W.W.: Theldorrin’s a fucking Swiss Army knife!

K’unt-Smak LEAPS LIKE A GAZELLE and uses the OPPORTUNITY of LOSING ONE ARM to DEFEND HIM TO EXECUTE A KUNG FU COMBO. RAPID-FIRE PALMS DENT XIV’S CHESTPLATE AND SEND HIM SKIDDING BACKWARDS. Fei slides FORWARD and WHIPS him with his RAZOR-LIKE BEARD but Theldorrin GRABS THE BEARD WITH HIS FIST and HOLDS HIM STEADY. He SWINGS his MACE and the CHAIN WRAPS AROUND FEI until the BALL SLAMS INTO HIS CHEST!

“GRAAAGH!” Fei SPITS. As he breaks free from the attack, THELDORRIN SWINGS AGAIN, THIS TIME CATCHING HIM IN THE LEG, BASHING HIS THIGH and SENDING HIM SPINNING!

“That asshole Theldorrin!” Mooly cries, “Guan Fei is unarmed!”
“Those who go against the river will surely drown,” Guan No strokes his beard while Mooly basically goes “Durrrr.”

The ROBOT TYRANT slams his MACE REPEATEDLY AT FEI who DODGES, suffering CUTS from the SPIKES ATTACHED. Fei stumbles to his knees as Theldorrin yanks the BALL BACK. JERKING THE BALL BACK, Theldorrin HURLS IT ONCE MORE AT FEI. However, IN DESPERATION THIS TIME GUAN FEI FUCKING KICKS THE MACE, BREAKING HIS FOOT AND SENDING IT CAREENING INTO THE FACE OF THELDORRIN!

J.R.: BAH GAWD!

XIV stumbles back, HIS FACE PLATE CRUSHED, blood SQUIRTING from his VENTS. He detaches the MACE and his HAND REFORMS.

“Little shit!” Theldorrin CURSES. He DASHES FORWARD and HURLS and UPPERCUT INTO GUAN FEI’S GUT. GUAN FEI IS LIFTED INTO THE AIR from the ATTACK and is sent CRASHING BACK DOWN with a FOLLOW-UP ELBOW TO HIS NECK!

“How is the boss supposed to beat a friggin’ robot!” Mooly shouts, slamming his hands on the mat. Guan No puts his hand on his shoulder.

“It is easy to dodge a spear that comes in front of you but hard to keep harms away from an arrow shot from behind,” Guan No tells him with a knowing smile.

As Fei lies on the ground, Theldorrin RAISES HIS FOOT to STOMP the CHINESE MAN’S SKULL INTO THE MAT. Fei immediately SPRINGS BACK and avoids the STOMP, HITS THE ROPES and REBOUNDS TO NAILS a DROP KICK in THELDORRIN’S ALREADY CRUSHED FACE! The move sends Theldorrin stumbling and Fei LEAPS INTO THE AIR. Capitalizing on XIV’S DISORIENTED STATE, Fei LATCHES ONTO THE ROBOT with a HEAD LOCK. However Theldorrin quickly hurls him forward and BLASTS him with a POWERFUL TOE KICK to his ALREADY CRACKED RIBS while IN MID-AIR!

“Pathetic!” Theldorrin boasts while Fei is trying to stand up, holding his side, “That other slant put up much more of a fi-!” SUDDENLY, THELDORRIN STOPS SPEAKING. He brings his FINGERS to his THROAT and FEELS SOMETHING. SOMETHING LIKE A WIRE AROUND HIS THROAT.

J.R.: What’s going on!

“It’s … HIS BEARD!” Mooly cries! Guan Fei is CROUCHING ON THE GROUND, GRINNING, as the GARROTE WIRE he CREATED tying his BEARD HAIRS TOGETHER is CHOKING THELDORRIN!

“Battling you FIST TO FIST wasn’t wise so I used STRATEGY. Hm, the very thing you pride yourself on will be your undoing!” FEI SAYS YANKING THE HAIR HARDER, causing his PALMS TO BLEED.

“Y-YOU … !” THELDORRIN CHOKES.

W.W.: He’s … HE’S CHOKING HIM! What the shit!

Theldorrin DASHES FORWARD to BUILD SLACK in the HAIR but Fei merely leaps over and TIES the HAIR HARDER.

“Give it up! If you surrender now perhaps I’ll spare your life!” Fei tells Theldorrin.

“I will … not be a made a FOOL OF!” THELDORRIN SHOUTS, IGNITING HIS BOOSTERS. Suddenly, HE LIFTS OFF THE GROUND, CHOKING HIMSELF FURTHER but PUTTING A DEEP STRAIN ON FEI. Blood begins SQUIRTING HARD from Fei’s PALMS as he tries to HOLD onto his BEARD HAIRS. As the FIRES of THELDORRIN’S JETS ROAR HARDER, Guan Fei is LIFTED OFF THE GROUND.

“I’LL MAKE YOU REGRET THE DAY YOU CAME TO THIS FEDERATION!” Theldorrin SCREAMS. THE TWO RACE AROUND THE RING, Theldorrin LAUGHING while Guan Fei holds onto his BEARD HAIR like REIGNS.

J.R.: BAH GAWD! They’re AIRBORNE! THEY ARE FLYING AROUND THE ARENA!

The CYBORG soars AROUND THE ARENA, performing LOOP DE LOOPS as Guan Fei is helpless behind him. Theldorrin DIVES DOWN and drives through the crowd, CUTTING GROOVES into the TIGHTLY-PACKED MASS and turning the FANS TO CHUNKS AND BONE. THE BLOOD AND CHUNKS of GUAN FEI’S FANS SPLASH HIM IN THE FACE.

“You bastard … !” FEI SAYS, STILL HANGING ON.

Theldorrin REACHES THE ROOF of MADISON SQUARE GARDEN and STOPS. Guan Fei CONTINUES SOARING UP AT HIGH SPEEDS, HIS MOMENTUM CARRYING HIM TOWARDS THELDORRIN.

“Farewell, shithead,” Theldorrin tells FEI. AS GUAN FEI RISES UP, THELDORRIN LIFTS HIS ARM, GATHERING POWER. KA-CHOONG! THE SOUND OF HEAVY MACHINERY EMANATES FROM THELDORRIN’S BODY as HIS TORPEDO-LIKE FIST SLAMS ITS KNUCKLES INTO FEI’S GUT! THELDORRIN’S ARM DETACHES AND THE FIST CARRIES GUAN FEI ALL THE WAY TO THE FUCKING RING, SLAMMING HIM THE MAT! BLOOD ERUPTS LIKE A SHITFUCKING GEYSER FROM GUAN FEI’S THROAT!!

J.R.: BAAAH GAWD!! BAAH GAWD!! HE’S FUCKING DEAD!!

W.W.: HOLY MOTHERTSHIT!!

BOOOM! Theldorrin LANDS IN THE RING with a THUNDEROUS SOUND. He FLICKS the INTESTINES off HIS FISTS and TRIUMPHANTLY PUTS A FOOT DOWN ON GUAN FEI’S CHEST. The referee WITH TEARS IN HIS EYES DROPS DOWN FOR THE COUNT!

“FATHER!!” GUAN NO SCREAMS WITH TEARS IN HIS EYES! MOOLY STANDS THERE FROZEN!



OOOOOOOOOONE!!





TWOOOOOOOOOO!!





THREEEEEEEEEE!! THELDORRIN WINS!

“Another faggot bites the dust,” Theldorrin laughs, taking his foot off Guan Fei’s body.

J.R.: I can’t believe it. IT’S OVER! THELDORRIN WINS … AND … AND … GUAN FEI IS FUCKING DEAD!!

AS THE REFEREE GOES TO RING TO THE BELL, HE SUDDENLY STOPS. HIS EYES WIDEN AS HE LOOKS BACK AT GUAN FEI’S CORPSE. Theldorrin SEES THIS EXPRESSION AND TURNS HIS HEAD AS WELL. His EYES WIDEN IN HORROR.

This man’s eyes aren’t SLANTED. THEY AREN’T SLANTED AT FUCKING ALL.

“WHAT THE SHIT IS THIS?!” THELDORRIN SCREAMS! HE LIFTS UP THE LIFELESS BODY OF GUAN FEI. THE BEARD FALLS OFF!

EVERY CELL IN THELDORRIN’S BODY IS SHITTING ITS PANTS. ABOVE HIM, A SILHOUETTE OF A MAN APPEARS IN THE SPOTLIGHTS. IT’S FUCKING GUAN FEI, BEARDLESS, HIS BEARD GONE!!

“THE SACRIFICE YOU MADE, FTUW FAN, WILL NOT BE FORGOTTEN!!” FEI SCREAMS AS HE DESCENDS! THE SHEER FORCE BUILT UP ALLOWS KILLING THE DRAGON TO PIERCE THROUGH THELDORRIN’S CHEST AND INTO THE RING!!

J.R.: IT’S FUCKING GUAN FEI SHIT FUCCKJKFKK!!

W.W.: HKSBFKLSDAHBF!

“GAAAAARGHGH!!” BLOOD SQUIRTS OUT OF THE CREVICES IN THELDORRIN’S FACE PLATE AS HIS CRIMSON VOMIT FILLS HIS MASK!!

“THIS IS IT! THE END OF YOU!” GUAN FEI TELLS HIM.

J.R.: I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED BUT FUCK!!

“No … I CAN’T … I CAN’T LOSE …” Theldorrin begins CHOKING THROUGH HIS THROAT FILLED WITH BLOOD, “I can’t … I’M THELDORRIN! I’M IMMORTAL! TIME STOP!!”

GUAN FEI’S EYES WIDEN as an IMMENSE ENERGY EMANATES from XIV’S BODY. The SIX TIME DIAMONDS imbedded into his ARMOR begin RESONATING with the ROCKATRICITY flowing through them. Suddenly, HE’S FLYING AWAY FROM HIS ENEMY WITH MULTIPLE FIST PRINTS IMBEDDED INTO HIS TORSO.

“That move …” GUAN FEI SAYS AS BLOOD GUSHES FROM HIS GULLET, “The one … THAT DISTORTS TIME!” K’unt-Smak CRASHES through the GUARD RAIL and DRILLS HIS WAY INTO THE AUDIENCE.

“Hahh … hahh … hahh …” Theldorrin wheezes as he clutches the GIANT SPEAR IMPALING HIM. With a quick JERK he yanks it out, SPILLING MORE BLOOD ONTO THE MAT. He powers up his fist with ROCKATRICITY and uses the HEAT to CAUTERIZE THE WOUND. With the bleeding stopped, the giant hole in Theldorrin begins FILLING ITSELF with RANDOM WIRES that move as if they have a mind of their own. His body begins emergency repairs as he stands up.

“Haha … I have to … give you more credit than I thought,” Theldorrin says, breathing heavily, “Who knew you would grab a fan from the audience while I dragged you around the arena and tie your giant beard onto him.” He slowly UNDOES the TITANIUM-LIKE beard hair from his throat and yanks on it. The fake Guan Fei corpse responds with its ARMS BEING JERKED, the hair tied around its wrists to keep it attached to Theldorrin. “For you to prepare all this … I’m impressed.”

W.W.: That still doesn’t make a lot of sense.

“I regret I had to use the TIME STOP on you, what with all the energy it consumes,” Theldorrin leaps out of the ring while GUAN FEI lies on top of a ball of bodies, “Each of these TIME DIAMONDS equals three seconds but I can rarely power them all at once.”

The cybernetic conqueror steps out of the ring and walks over to GUAN FEI who is lying in a pile of crushed fans. He raises his FIST ABOVE HIS HEAD, THE KNUCKLES RESONATING WITH THAT RED ENERGY.

”Enough of this,” THELDORRIN SAYS, BRINGING DOWN THE FIST INTO GUAN FEI’S CHEST. BLOODY LUNCH spews from FEI’S MOUTH from the impact. Theldorrin COCKS an EYEBROW. His fist is BURIED DEEP INTO GUAN FEI’S BEARD.

“You used your energy to facilitate your beard growth just in time to absorb that attack,” Theldorrin says in his cold, steel tone, “But in the end, it’s USELESS USELESS USELESS!”

J.R.: THIS IS IT!

THE TITANIUM FIST OF THELDORRIN XIV CRUSHES OPEN THE SKULL LIKE IT WERE A MERE PUMPKIN. BUT IT’S NOT THE SKULL OF GUAN FEI, IT’S THE SKULL OF A FAN!

W.W.: WHAT THE CUNT! That fan just dove IN FRONT OF GUAN FEI AND SAVED HIS LIFE!

Fei’s eyes widen in horror at the SIGHT. It’s a young boy, his BRAINS CLINGING to Theldorrin’s fist. One of his legs is wooden. Carved in the wood is the Chinese characters for Guan Fei’s name.

THE WORDS ECHO IN FEI’S MIND.

"That mean old Theldorrin plucked my leg off so he could use the bone to pick bits of dirt out of the tiny cracks in his armor. He also threw my mom and dad at Rakkyu Saketumi during their first fight and they were both exploded. Can you...can you avenge them for me?"

This was the boy that came to the autograph session yesterday!

“What a retarded little shit,” Theldorrin laughs, wiping the grey matter on a paralyzed fan’s face, “Did he really think he could stop me? Eh, Guan Fei?” As THELDORRIN TURNS HIS HEAD TO GUAN FEI A SHITFUCKING SLAMS INTO HIS GODDAMN FACE, KNOCKING THE FACE PLATE OFF AND EXPOSING THE CRUSHED BONE AND TORN MEAT!!

J.R.: BAH FUCKING GAWD FUCK!

THE APRON OF THE RING EXPLODES AS THELDORRIN TEARS THROUGH IT, SLAMMING INTO A RING POST AND IMMEDIATELY DEMOLISHING IT! THELDORRIN JERKS HIS HEAD UP AND LOOKS INTO THE AUDIENCE. THERE STANDS GUAN FEI, HIS BEARD TURNED READ, HIS ARMS CRADLING THE DEAD CHILD AS TEARS STREAM DOWN HIS FACE.

“It took your death to understand that I am not just fighting for the title … I AM FIGHTING FOR THE WORLD,” HE CRIES. HE GENTLY PLACES THE BODY ON THE GROUND AND COVERS IT WITH A PIECE OF HIS ROBE. Fei’s ONE GOOD EYE TURNS COMPLETELY WHITE AS HE STARES AT THELDORRIN! Through XIV’s POINT OF VIEW, TONS OF NUMBERS ARE FLASHING TO DEMONSTRATE GUAN FEI’S HUGE FUCKING POWER LEVEL!

“But … YOU WERE DYING!” THELDORRIN STANDS UP, ANGRY BUT TREMBLING SLIGHTLY, “YOU WERE GOING TO DIE!”

“As a man, my body no longer permitted me to stand … BUT AS A SYMBOL FOR HOPE FOR THESE PEOPLE, I CAN DO ANYTHING!”

INSTANTLY, GUAN FEI LEAPS FROM THE CROWD AND FLIES INTO THE RING, SLAMMING A FLYING KICK THAT CAVES IN THELDORRIN’S FACE and SENDS HIM TO THE RING FLOOR.

“You were … GLARRKG … WERE …” THELDORRIN SHOUTS, CRAWLING ALONG THE GROUND UNTIL HE GETS STOMPED ON THE SPINE BY GODDAMNED GUAN FEI, “GRAAAAGH!!”

J.R.: WHAT’S GOTTEN INTO GUAN FEI?! FANS DIE ALL THE TIME AND NOW … IT’S LIKE HE’S BEEN POSSESSED!

The THRUSTERS on THELDORRIN’S BACK IGNITE, FORCING FEI TO LEAP OFF HIM or else be TORCHED. Theldorrin rolls to his KNEES and is IMMEDIATELY CLOCKED with a HELLACIOUS CLOTHESLINE! He crashes into the GUARD RAIL as FEI CHARGES, RETALIATING WITH PISTON-LIKE PUNCH that DIGS INTO FEI’S SIDE! Blood SQUIRTS from the WOUND BUT GUAN FEI DOESN’T STOP! THE RAGE WON’T SUBSIDE!

“MOBIUS BAND!” THELDORRIN SCREAMS! HE ATTEMPTS TO FIRE THE BEAM BUT GUAN FEI GRABS HIS FIX AND BREAKS HIS FINGERS!

“I’LL FUCKING KILL YOU!” THELDORRIN SCREAMS. FEI LETS OUT A HOWL AND YANKS THELDORRIN’S ARM CLEAN THE FUCK OFF!!

J.R.: BAH GAWD!! BAH GAWD!!

XIV slaps the HOLY SHIT out of FEI, KNOCKING him INTO THE RING. As CRIMSON SQUIRTS from his SHOULDER SOCKET, Theldorrin BEGINS TRUDGING THROUGH THE DEAD FANS, HEADING FOR THE EXIT.

“I HAVE TO ESCAPE! I NEED TO BUY MORE TIME! TO MAKE REPAIRS!” THELDORRIN THINKS TO HIMSELF AS HE STOMPS FOR BLOOD AND GUTS, TEARING APART any FAN in HIS WAY with his GOOD ARM! As he tears through THE FANS, GUAN FEI IS REVEALED STANDING AMONGST THEM, HIS BEARD A BRIGHT, BLOOD RED.

“YOU SON OF A BITCH!” Theldorrin slams his LEG into GUAN FEI’S KNEE, BREAKING IT INSTANTLY. However, Guan Fei barely moves.

“I’m not angry enough,” Guan Fei mutters, “I NEED TO BE MORE ANGRY.”

Before THELDORRIN can even make an EXPRESSION OF FEAR, GUAN FEI FISTS HIS HANDS INTO HIS FUCKING MOUTH and begins to FUCKING DRAG HIM DOWN THE STAIRS!

W.W.: MOTHERFUCKER!

Theldorrin crashes into the LAST RING POST NOT DESTROYED and reduces it to scrap.

“A few more seconds … a few …” Theldorrin coughs up blood as he lies in the center of the ring, “A few more and-!” he lifts his head to see GUAN FEI DIGGING HIS FINGERS INTO THE FAGGOTRON, CLIMBING UP IT SLOWLY.

W.W.: NO! HE’S NOT! HE’S GOING FOR IT!

“A few more seconds …” Theldorrin says, UNABLE TO MUSTER THE STRENGTH TO MOVE as GUAN FEI STANDS ABOVE THE ARENA, “A few more … and …”

J.R.: GRECO-ROMANCE OF THE THREE KINGDOMS!!

“And … AND … TIME STOP!!” THELDORRIN CRIES as GUAN FEI’S MOONSAULTING BODY IS A MERE FOOT ABOVE HIM.

”I WIN, GUAN FEI!!”

AS TIME RESUMES, THELDORRIN TAKES ALL THAT FUCKING MOMENTUM and SLAMS HIS FACE FIRST INTO THE MAT! THE GODDAMNED SHITFUCKING RING COLLAPSES IN ON ITSELF! BLOOD SQUIRTS IN ALL DIRECTIONS FROM UNDER FEI’S FACE AS HE’S DRIVEN INTO THE CONCRETE. HE’S AS GOOD AS FUCKING DEAD!

W.W.: HE REVERSED IT! HE FUCKING REVERSED IT! HOW?!

J.R.: NO AMOUNT OF SLOW-MOTION SHOWS WHAT HAPPENED! It’s just like during the SAKETUMI MATCH! Theldorrin is a GOD!

“I have let you live … TOO LONG, GUAN FEI!!” THELDORRIN SCREAMS, stumbling around the ring, BLOOD DRIPPING FROM HIS FRACTURED SKULL.

Tentacles from Theldorrin’s shoulders crawl out and grab his SEVERED ARM, bringing up to his SOCKET and re-attaching it. HE REACHES DOWN and PULLS UP THE BODY OF GUAN FEI and BEGINS SQUEEZING HIM BY THE NECK. The fiery red of his beard is now GONE.

“I hate you … I FUCKING HATE YOU!” he says, SQUEEZING what LITTLE LIFE THERE IS IN GUAN FEI OUT OF HIM. BLOOD BEGINS DRIPPING FROM HIS NOSE AND EARS AS THELDORRIN CRUSHES HIS LARYNX!

“STOP!” a voice cries out! THELDORRIN DOESN’T RESPOND. The voice cries out again but Theldorrin doesn’t budge!

J.R.: WHAT IS HE DOING?!

W.W.: IT’S HIM!

GUAN NO slams a KUNG FU ELBOW INTO THELDORRIN’S GUT, KNOCKING HIM BACK and FORCING HIM TO RELEASE HIS GRASP. Guan No holds his father in his arms, tears in the son’s eyes.

“That’s enough, Theldorrin. You have won. You have bested my father. You are truly the champion,” Guan No says as he turns to leave.

“No … WE AREN’T DONE … WE STILL HAVE MORE FIGHTING!” Theldorrin says, CRAWLING to his FEET, “THE VIOLENCE! THE VIOLENCE ISN’T OVER!”

“You’ve gone insane. It’s over Theldorrin, leave my father be,” Guan No tells him as he begins to leave with Guan Fei. A fist bursts through Guan No’s chest. He turns his head slowly to see the scarred and bloody face of Theldorrin staring directly into his eyes. MADNESS IS SEEPING OUT OF EVERY SINGLE PORE.

“IT’S NOT OVER … UNTIL I SAY IT’S OVER!!”

“GUAN NO!” MOOLY CRIES OUT as Theldorrin YANKS his STEEL GAUNTLET from the body of Guan Fei’s son. No collapses onto the ground along with his father. When Fei regains consciousness, he opens his eyes to meet his son’s. But there’s no life in them.

”Guan No …” Fei mutters weakly, “Son … what’s wrong …”

No merely convulses as Fei tries to talk to him.

“Son! What’s wrong, son! What has happened!”

GUAN FEI REACHES OUT TO HIS SON, HIS ARM WEAKLY TRYING TO TOUCH THE LIFELESS BODY. The same blood that flows through FEI’S VEINS is now pouring out of his CHEST. FEI’S FINGERS TREMBLE AS HE TRIES TO TOUCH HIS SON, HIS HAND EVER REACHING CLOSER, UNTIL A JET-BLACK BOOT COMES CRASHING DOWN AND SMASHES FEI’S HAND INTO THE GROUND.

Guan Fei looks up to see THELDORRIN GRINNING MADLY, his eyes piercing out of the black MASK OF SHADOWS as WHITE, MOON-LIKE ORBS. The calculating Theldorrin XIV has gone completely insane.

“LET’S FIGHT!” THELDORRIN TELLS HIS OPPONENT! Fei’s GOOD EYE reverts back to its RAGE-FILLED, PUPIL-LESS STATE. His beard BURSTS A FIERY RED ONCE MORE, BUT THIS TIME IT’S GLOWING LIKE HOT EMBERS! THE BEARD BEGINS FLOWING UNDER ITS OWN POWER! GUAN FEI LETS OUT A HELLISH SCREAM AND BOLTS FROM THE GROUND, HIS BROKEN FIST LEADING THE WAY!!

J.R.: THE JADE ARROW!!

FEI’S BLEEDING, BROKEN, HUNK OF MEAT JAMS ITSELF DEEP INTO THE STOMACH WOUND CREATED BY KILLING THE DRAGON! THE BLOOD IN THELDORRIN’S STOMACH RISES UP INTO HIS THROAT AND COMES RUSHING OUT OF HIS MOUTH! BUT HIS EXPRESSION DOESN’T CHANGE, NOT ONE FUCKING BIT! HE GRABS GUAN FEI BY THE HEAD AND DRIVES AN ELBOW INTO IT! GUAN FEI RESPONDS WITH THE SAME. THEY BOTH HOLD EACH OTHER BY THE HEAD WHILE USING THEIR FREE LIMBS TO REDUCE EACH OTHER TO BLEEDING, LIFELESS, HUNKS OF WET BONE. THELDORRIN IGNITES HIS THRUSTERS AND THE TWO BEGIN ROCKETING UPWARDS WHILE THROWING EVERYTHING THEY HAVE AT ONE ANOTHER!

W.W.: THIS IS … FUCK!!

J.R.: THEY ARE NOW FLYING!! THEY ARE HEADED STRAIGHT FOR THE ROOF OF MADISON SQUARE GARDEN!!

AND THEN THEY FUCKING GO *THROUGH* THAT SHIT! THEY ARE NOW NEARLY TWO HUNDRED FEET ABOVE THE GROUND, STILL PUNCHING AND KICKING AND JAMMING THEIR LIMBS INTO EACH OTHER IN A SYMBOLIC ACT OF ULTRAVIOLENT MANLINESS! THE FANS LOOK UP AND NO LONGER SEE THEIR WARRIORS BUT INSTEAD CHOOSE TO WATCH THE BLOOD RAINING DOWN FROM THEM ONTO THE ARENA FLOOR!

J.R.: SOMEONE GET A CAMERA UP THERE! FUCKING SHIT!

The FAGGOTRON with GUAN FEI’S BLOOD and FIST HOLES in IT begins SHOWING the TWO HAVE AN AERIAL BRAWL. THEY PUNCH AND PUNCH AND PUNCH UNTIL THELDORRIN FINALLY RUNS OUT OF FUEL. NOW IT’S ONLY THEIR MOMENTUM CARRYING THEM UP AND THEY STILL DON’T STOP FIGHTING.

FISTS COLLIDE WITH BONE. BLOOD SPRAYS. THE FIGHT SEEMS LIKE IT WILL GO ON FOREVER. That is, UNTIL THEY FUCKING SLAM THROUGH THE CABIN FLOOR OF A 747!!

W.W.: HRKGKGRKKHHG!!

The PEOPLE ON BOARD KNOW THE MOTHERFUCKING SCORE. THEY WERE FUCKING WATCHING THE FIGHT, OF COURSE. As THE PLANE LOSES CABIN PRESSURE AND PEOPLE START GETTING SUCKED OUT THROUGH THE HOLE, FEI AND XIV STAND THEIR GROUND, TRADING BLOW AFTER BLOW AFTER BLOW. One fan desperately clings to his chair, not out of SELF-PRESERVATION but OUT OF CAPITIVATION OF THE FIGHT.

After the THREE HUNDREDTH PUNCH TO THE FACE, Theldorrin SLUMPS DOWN onto the FLOOR OF THE DESCENDING PLANE. His mind starts to act SOMEWHAT NORMALLY. Perhaps he bled out all his adrenaline.

“This is where … IT ENDS!” THELDORRIN TELLS GUAN FEI WHO IS STANDING ACROSS HIM from the CRASHING PLANE.

“You’re right,” Guan Fei replies, his BEARD STILL BURNING WITH RAGE.

“You’re such a fool! You’ve been trying to fight this match from the beginning as a warrior! With some sort of code of honor!”

Guan Fei doesn’t respond.

“That’s what humans do. But I, THELDORRIN XIV, AM BEYOND HUMANS. I will WIN AND RULE … ANYWAY … I CAN!”

He RAISES HIS FIST and THE RICHONIUM CRYSTAL EMBEDDED IN HIS GAUNTLET GLOWS ONE FINAL TIME BEFORE EXPLODING FROM OVERUSE!

“GUAN FEI … YOU’VE RAN OUT OF TIME!”

The WORLD TURNS BLACK AND WHITE as THE TIME DIAMONDS in Theldorrin’s STOMACH GLOW ONCE MORE! Theldorrin IMMEDIATELY COLLAPSES onto the CABIN FLOOR as time slows to a stop. With one arm, he begins dragging himself towards the gaping hole in the plane. He doesn’t even have the energy to stand. With one last pull, he BEGINS FREE FALLING from the PLANE. Instantly, metallic wings spread out from THELDORRIN’S ARMS to allow him to GLIDE TO SAFETY. If Theldorrin had the energy to laugh, he would.

“Goodbye, Guan Fei. Time resumes.”

However, time doesn’t resume. In fact, time stops even further. Theldorrin can no longer move. He is frozen in mid-air, several hundred feet above ground. With a CLANG, Theldorrin FEELS A HUGE WEIGHT ON HIS BACK. He tries to turn his head to see what it is but he can’t manage. Fortunately for him, it talks.

”Time is still frozen,” Fei tells him, “I don’t know if you can still hear this or not, but I’m the controlling the flow of time.”

THELDORRIN TRIES TO THINK HOW but the FEELING OF FEI’S FINGERS REACHING DOWN ONTO HIS CHEST TELLS HIM. HE PRODS the HOLE where a TIME DIAMOND USED TO BE SET.

“Now, time resumes,” FEI SAYS, OPENING HIS EMPTY EYE SOCKET TO REVEAL A FUCKING TIME DIAMOND INSIDE!

J.R.: WAIT! SOMETHING JUST CAME OUT OF THE PLANE! GET A SHOT OF THAT!

W.W.: IT’S THELDORRIN! HE’S ALIVE!

J.R.: AND … THAT’S GUAN FEI!

Guan FEI GRABS THELDORRIN’S ARMS AND CONTROLS HIS FLIGHT. HE’S FLYING BACK TO THE ARENA!

“NO! LET’S TALK ABOUT THIS!” THELDORRIN SCREAMS, “YOU’LL DIE TOO!!”

“For the CRIMES YOU’VE COMMITTED … EVERYTHING YOU’VE DONE IN YOUR LIFE … YOU DON’T DESERVE TO LIVE PAST TODAY!”

Theldorrin’s BODY BEGINS TO HEAT UP ON RE-ENTRY! As Guan Fei GUIDES HIM TO THE RING, he MOVES HIS BODY SO THELDORRIN BEGINS SPINNING!

“I thought forcing you to PILEDRIVE YOURSELF to the DEPTHS OF HELL would be a fitting end,” Fei whispers to him. Guan Fei RELEASES THE HOLD and HOVERS AWAY as THELDORRIN CONTINUES ROCKETING TOWARDS DOOM.

Using his BEARD, GUAN FEI CATCHES A RISING WIND AND USES IT TO GLIDE! Theldorrin, HOWEVER, continues TOWARDS the ARENA LIKE A FUCKING ROCKET. HE DESPERATELY TRIES TO PULL UP BUT AT THE SPEED HE’S GOING, AND WITH THE ADDED SPIN, THERE’S NO FUCKING WAY.

J.R.: THELDORRIN! HE’S GOING TO FUCKING CRASH!!

W.W.: HOLY MOTHER OF GOD’S DICK!!

J.R.: BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH GAAAAAAAAAAWIUGSGDOGSGODHG!!!

THE RESULTING EXPLOSION IS SOMETHING THAT ALL FUTURE MORTAL KOMBAT GAMES WILL LOOK TO FOR INSPIRATION. WHEN THELDORRIN FUCKING HITS THE CONCRETE FLOOR OF THE ARENA, THE GROUND LEAVES A MONSTROUS CRATER. BUT THAT’S NOT, NOT BY A MOTHERFUCKING LONGSHOT! HIS FUCKING SPLEEN IS HURLED FROM THE EXPLOSION AND BURSTS AGAINST THE WALL. HIS INTESTINES ARE FLYING SO HARD THEY WRAP AROUND AN ELDERLY MAN’S NECK SO HARD IT FUCKING SNAPS. THE STOMACH, PANCREAS, AND GALLBLADDER BURST AND SHOWER THE ARENA WITH CHEWED FOOD AND BLOOD.

The bones, YOU DON’T WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE BONES DID. BUT SINCE THIS IS THE FUCKING FTUW, I’LL TELL YOU!

HIS FUCKING TOES MIGHT AS WELL HAVE BEEN BULLETS, TEARING THROUGH MAN AND WOMAN LIKE SHRAPNEL. HIS FUCKING FEMUR SPINS LIKE A BOOMERANG AND NAILS A MAN IN THE STOMACH, TEARING THROUGH HIM LIKE WARM BUTTER AND DRAGGING HIS ENTRAILS ALONG FOR THE RIDE THAT CULMINATES IN CRUSHING A YOUNG BOY’S SKULL. THE SPINE PINS THREE DRUNK FRAT BROTHERS TO THE WALL. HIS RIBS ACTUALLY *CRUCIFY* ONE MEXICAN MAN, AN EVENT THAT THEOLOGISTS WILL BE SHITTING OVER FOR CENTURIES.

And everybody else, they get a SEA WORLD-LIKE SPLASH OF BLOOD.

Theldorrin’s head rolls along the ground, it suffering the least amount of damage. Circuitry in piles lies around his body. His mouth twitches in his last moments of life.

Everyone is frozen as Guan Fei floats in and crashes into the ground. Although this type of entrance would hospitalize most men, Guan Fei has been through TOO FUCKING MUCH to JUST SIT BY AND LET THIS SHIT STOP HIM. He looks to MOOLY who’s drenched in blood and stands there GAWKING. Behind him is a perfect silhouette of him pasted on the fans who weren’t hit by the blood because of Mooly.

“Where are his shoulders?” Fei asks him. Mooly points while his mouth still hangs open.

Guan Fei gets down and puts a foot on one of Theldorrin’s shoulders. He turns to the referee who takes a full thirty seconds until he realizes what he’s supposed to be doing.

AND THE COUNT!


OOOOOOOOOONE!!



TWOOOOOOOOOO!!



THREEEEEEEEEEE!! GUAN FEI IS THE NEW CHAMPION!

J.R.: BAH GAWD!! BAH GAWD!! MY BRAIN IS JUST PROCESSING WHAT I’VE SEEN!! THELDORRIN ERUPTED AND FUCKING FUKC DEAD FUCK!! NEW CHAMP!!

WARRIOR WARRIOR CONTINUES TO CONVULSE IN HIS JAR OF JUICE, “HGLKHGKSAGL” THE FUCK OUT!

The theme song to ONCE UPON A TIME IN CHINA PLAYS as MOOLY EMBRACES GUAN FEI. The TIME KEEPER WALKS LIKE A ZOMBIE, TOO STUNNED BY THE EVENTS TO MOVE CORRECTLY, and BRINGS GUAN FEI THE TITLE.

As Guan Fei raises the belt above his head, the SURVIVING fans BURST INTO CHEERS!

J.R.: The new champ is crowned! THE NEW CHAMP GUAN FEI! THANK YOU EVERYBODY FOR JOINING US TONIGHT AT EXTREME HARDCORE! GOOD NIGHT!

“This is just a bonus …” the broken Guan Fei says as he lies down on the ground, clutching his new belt, “The greatest feeling … is knowing the world is safe without Theldorrin.”

[Yogurtman]

In the corner, Theldorrin’s head continues to convulse, his brain spilling out of his skull.

”I … can’t … why … I … didn’t …” Theldorrin’s brain attempts to THINK besides being burst, “Why … I couldn’t … understand … why …”

As his battery dies, wires in his skull stretch out and connect to his brain.

“The book … I couldn’t … why couldn’t I … understand it …?”

Only a few feet away from Theldorrin’s obliterated body sits the book. The book he stole from McHarris’ office. The D’LONOMICON.

“I couldn’t … read … it …”

The Jewel of the Damned that hung around his severed neck begins GLOWING. The glowing green jewel begins rolling towards the book of its own accord.

“It didn’t … sense …”

As the GREEN JEWEL touches the book, it instantly snaps open. The eye hanging from THELDORRIN’S SOCKET gazes at the BOOK’S CONTENTS. These are all pages he has looked before, studied before his match with Guan Fei. But now they look like scribbles. Theldorrin’s brain has been separated along the corpus collossum and his self-preservation machinery reconnected his eyes to the wrong halves of his brain.

Pictures of D’Lo powerbombing Buddha. Powerbombing Allah. Powerbombing Jesus. Every diety D’Lo gives them the FUCKING BUSINESS. Reading these pages alone made Theldorrin try to break his own neck. In his locker room he sat, the HYDRAULICS doing EVERYTHING IN THEIR POWER to prevent THELDORRIN from behind his neck back SO FAR IT SNAPPED. Theldorrin couldn’t understand it but HE HAD TO KEEP READING.

A mysterious gust of wind blows these pages until it reaches the last one. The one that made no sense to Theldorrin. The one that just looked like a mess of lines.

“Why … I couldn’t understand …”

But as he gazes upon the page this time, it begins to make sense. What his brain couldn’t comprehend, what it couldn’t see, now is as clear as day. With his brain split in two, the corpus collossum separated, and the eyes connected to the brain incorrectly, he sees the page INVERTED. Although the previous pages now look like inky stains, the FINAL PAGE IS REVEALED TO THELDORRIN XIV.

IT’S D’LO BEING POWERBOMBED.

If he could scream, Theldorrin would. AN ALL-CONSUMING SCREECH FILLS HIS MIND. EVERY SINGLE CHUNK OF HIS BODY, DESPITE NOT BEING ATTACHED, BEGINS TO TWITCH UNCONTROLLABLY. HIS MIND IS FILLED WITH INCOMPREHENSIBLE, DREAMLIKE IMAGES THAT ARE TEARING HIS PSYCHE APART.

AND THEN, IT ENDS. PEACEFUL SILENCE.

Guan Fei turns his head to see THELDORRIN XIV STANDING, PERFECTLY HEALED FROM HEAD TO TOE, HIS FLESHY BODY EXPOSED AND GLOWING WITH POWER AS HIS ROBOTIC ARMOR CLINGS TO HIM.

Theldorrin raises up a hand and the circuitry grows onto his fingers then recedes. Wires go through his arms and retract. His real and robotic body have become as perfectly combined as possible. His feet touching the concrete floor absorb its properties.

Guan Fei watches in horror as the man that threatened to destroy the world has become THE SUPREME BEING OF EARTH.

W.W.: Is … is that THELDORRIN?

J.R.: GET THE FEED BACK UP! BAH GAWD!

“H-How …?” Guan Fei says as he sits there, the TOLL OF THAT fucking RETARDED FIGHT finally crashing down upon him, “I killed you!”

Theldorrin isn’t paying attention to him, he’s enjoying his new abilities. He grabs a severed fan limb and ABSORBS into himself. Touching the guard rail, his hand becomes metallic.

J.R.: But … we watched him explode! That can’t be THELDORRIN!

But all the blood that sprayed on everyone. All the bones that impaled. The intestines that strangled. They are all gone. And Theldorrin XIV stands there, his human body regenerated with his armor sitting on top.

Theldorrin reaches down and grabs his gauntlet. Instantly, it grows onto his hand. He extends his hands and CIRCUITRY emits from the fingertips and picks up the stray pieces of his armor and ABSORBS them into himself. The armor changes form at his will. It becomes sleeker, sharper, more aerodynamic.

“I see …” Theldorrin talks to himself, touching the black metal that he has grown into his skin.

“We have to go, boss,” Mooly tells Guan Fei, “This thing … he can’t be beat. Let’s just-“ Mooly tries to speak but his head falls off his shoulders. A thin, prehensile, wire slashed emitted from Theldorrin’s fingertip has decapitated him. Like a liquid, it climbs back into his fingers while Theldorrin is observing his body.

W.W.: It is Theldorrin! But something’s different! He’s more powerful than ever!

“Mooly!” Guan Fei cries, grabbing the headless body of his Italian friend, “You bastard!”

“Death is nothing but a different state of being. The one in a life of zero,” Theldorrin approaches Guan Fei, “Why do you care?”

The sleek, black, Theldorrin kneels down and presses on Mooly’s chest. Black wires enter his body and re-attach his head. Instantly, he is brought back to life.

“See, it is nothing. Now that I understand the world completely, death is trivial,” Theldorrin smiles. Instantly, Mooly dies again, this time being torn apart by the thin black wires emitting from Theldorrin’s fingers.

”You bastard!!” Guan Fei shouts, attempting to climb to his feet but collapsing on the ground.

“Everything is me and I am everything!” THELDORRIN BEGINS TEARING HIS HANDS THROUGH HIS FLESH, SENDING BLOOD AND CHUNKS EVERYWHERE, “I AM NOW GOD!!”

Instantly, GUAN FEI SPRINGS TO HIS FEET, BLOOD SQUIRTING FROM HIS JOINTS as he HURLS A HUGE LUNGE into THELDORRIN’S JAW! THE FIST RIPS THROUGH HIS METALLIC FACE ALL THE WAY TO THE FLESH BENEATH UNTIL HE KNOCKS THE FUCKING THING OFF! But Theldorrin SEEMS UNFAZED, OR MORE LIKE DELIGHTED WITH HIS TONGUE HANGING FROM HIS HEAD.

“I’ll kill you a THOUSAND TIMES if I have to!” Guan Fei SCREAMS! THELDORRIN PICKS UP HIS JAW AND RE-ATTACHES IT. “THE FINAL ROUND BEGINS, FAGGOT!!”

“TIME STOP!” GUAN FEI SCREAMS, transmitting his ENERGY into the TIME DIAMOND held in his SKULL. In the world of STOPPED TIME, Guan Fei grabs KILLING THE DRAGON and CHARGES at THELDORRIN. HE SWINGS THE FUCKING SPEAR DOWN, TEARING THROUGH THELDORRIN’S FLESH! THELDORRIN GRINS IN RESPONSE.

”I can move in this world, remember?!” Theldorrin tells Fei, “All you are doing is depriving everyone from seeing our fight. EVERYTHING YOU DO IS USELESs USELESS USELESS!!” The tip of KILLING THE DRAGON suddenly BURSTS from THELDORRIN’S OWN CHEST and STABS GUAN FEI in the SHOULDER, sending him to the ground! TIME RESUMES.

J.R.: I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON BUT I GOTTA SAY, IT DOESN’T LOOK GOOD FOR GUAN FEI. Also, humanity.

“So then, how do you want to die?” Theldorrin asks as he approaches the crouching Guan Fei, “Decapitation? Disemboweling?”

Black tentacles emerge from THELDORRIN’S HAND and grab GUAN FEI by the throat, LIFTING HIM HIGH INTO THE AIR.

“Or maybe I should just tear you apart from the inside like I did for you little wop friend?”

SUDDENLY, THELDORRIN’S HEAD FUCKING EXPLODES. ON EITHER SIDE OF HIS NOW OBLITERATED SKULL ARE KANZAKI KENJIRO AND JACK DANIELS EXECUTING FLYING KARATE KICKS.

“YOU!” they both SHOUT at EACH OTHER before BACKFLIPPING to the ground!

“I don’t like to get involved in personal feuds but I’ve seen enough people die here tonight,” Kenjiro says, FLIPPING HIS NOSE with his THUMB. Daniels nods in agreement.

“I may a vendetta against Theldorrin, but something more important brought me here. The world is in danger.”

With a QUICK FLICK OF THE WRIST, a surge of FLAMES slam into the TENTACLES holding up GUAN FEI and turning them to ash!

“This really is nostalgic,” Theldorrin reforming mouth says with a smile, “Jack Daniels, one of my most hated enemies, and the brother of Rakkyu Saketumi …”

“BROTHER?!” Kenjiro says with SHOCK, “It can’t be …”

When your foot collided with my face, I sensed your DNA. There’s no mistaking it. You are from that same line of meddling faggots.

“Tch, it doesn’t matter who I’m related to, it doesn’t change that I’M KANZAKI KENJIRO AND I’M HERE TO BEAT YOUR ASS!”

“You two … this is my fight … do not get involved,” Guan Fei says, trying to stand.

“Your match is over,” Daniels tells him, “Now it’s our fight.”

“ALRIGHT!” KENJIRO SHOUTS IN ENGLISH, “IT’S SHOW~TIME!”

J.R.: Bah Gawd! Kenjiro and Daniels have joined forces with GUAN FEI to TAKE DOWN THELDORRIN!

“Three or three thousand … it means nothing,” Theldorrin mutters. Immediately, KENJIRO SPRINGS FORWARD and LAUNCHES a FLURRY OF KICKS to THELDORRIN’S FUCKING FACE, causing BLOOD TO SPRAY FROM HIS MOUTH. As he’s FLYING THE OTHER WAY, DANIELS APPEARS BEHIND HIM AND DRIVES A KNEE INTO THELDORRIN’S SPINE. He CLASPS his HANDS AROUND his NECK and BEGINS RELEASING FIRE FROM HIS FINGERS. Soon, Theldorrin is a RAGING INFERNO and DANIELS AXE KICKS STRAIGHT DOWN. As the FIREBALL HEADS TOWARD GUAN FEI, he CROUCHES DOWN and LOWERS HIS FIST!

“JADE ARROW!” HE SHOUTS! GUAN FEI SHOOTS STRAIGHT UP AND DRIVES HIS FIST THROUGH THELDORRIN’S CHEST! Theldorrin EXPLODES into FIERY CHUNKS.

W.W.: AND NOW THELDORRIN IS DEAD AGAIN! WHAT THE SHIT!

“Yatta!” Kenjiro shouts.

“No, he’s not dead!” Daniels replies.

The FLAMES SWIRL and the OILY CHUNKS reconstitute into Theldorrin’s form.

”HAHAHAHAHAHA!!” Theldorrin smiles, “I WILL NEVER DIE NOW!” Theldorrin screams! HE TURNS TO DANIELS AND POINTS A FINGER AT HIM.

“ALL THIS RECONSTITUTING HAS MADE ME HUNGRY!” THELDORRIN’S INDEX FINGER EXTENDS AND TRANSFORMS INTO A SPEAR! THE SPEAR JUTS FORTH AND PIERCES DANIELS THROUGH THE ARM, LIFTING HIM INTO THE AIR!

“URK!” Daniels SHOUTS as the BLADE PIERCES HIM. STEADILY, BLOOD FROM HIS BODY FLOWS DOWN THE SPEAR to THELDORRIN, FEEDING HIM NUTRITION!

“ORRYYAAAH!!” KENJIRO CUTS THE SPEAR with a POWERFUL KICK. The spear piece jammed into Daniels’ shoulder turns INTO MEAT AND METAL, its original form, as soon as it loses connection with its main body. Immediately, Kenjiro hits the ground and DASHES FORWARD! Upon reaching THELDORRIN, HE TAKES A WIDE STANCE and brings his FISTS TO HIS SIDES!

“ETERNAL LOOP!” KENJIRO CRIES, THROWING MACH-SPEED PUNCHES! The punches TEAR THELDORRIN TO BLOODY CHUNKS, BEATING HIM INTO NOTHINGESS! As Kenjiro BEATS HIS WAY to the SKELETON, A GAUNTLET RISES UP FROM THE BLOODY CHUNKS AND UPPERCUTS THE SHIT OUT OF KENJIRO!!

J.R.: Kenjiro tore THELDORRIN LIMB FROM LIMB BUT SOMEHOW … FUCK … SOMEHOW HE JUST GOT HIS ASS BEAT!

W.W.: That’s because HE’S THE NEW GOD, J.R.! Did I ever tell you how awesome I think THELDORRIN IS?

Theldorrin TURNS HIS HEAD to see a WAVE OF FLAME RUSH TOWARDS HIM! The huge blast of FLAMES HIT HIM and ERADICATE HIS BODY. Daniels stands next to the inferno, exhausted from the flame attacks, AND CLOSES HIS FIST which immediately EXTINGUISHES the blazing fire! THERE’S NOTHING THERE!

“Shit!” DANIELS curses! SUDDENLY, HE FEELS A SHARP BURNING SENSATION IN HIS SIDE. HE TURNS TO SEE THELDORRIN DESCENDING FROM THE SKY.

“MOBIUS BAND!” Theldorrin SCREAMS as HE AIMS HIS FINGERS. IMMEDIATELY, DANIELS BEGINS DASHING AT HIGH SPEEDS, DODGING THE EXPLOSION OF CONCRETE.

“NOW WITH THE ENERGY I HAVE, I CAN DO AN ENDLESS AMOUNT OF THESE!” Theldorrin FIRES MORE AND MORE BANDS, EXPLODING THE GROUND AND FANS AS DANIELS DESPERATELY ATTEMPTS TO ESCAPE.

W.W.: I THINK WE SHOULD LEAVE, J.R.

DANIELS BEGINS RUNNING UP THE WALL AND USES IT TO SPRINGBOARD. He dives FORWARD AT THELDORRIN, ATTEMPTING TO MEET HIM IN MID-AIR, WHILE THELDORRIN IS FIRING HIS MOBIUS BANDS.

”NOW!!” DANIELS SCREAMS AS A MOBIUS BANDS BURSTS OPEN DANIELS’ LEG! Theldorrin TURNS AROUND TO KENJIRO FLYING AT HIM!

“A HUMAN IS A HUMAN IS A HUMAN!” THELDORRIN SCREAMS AS KENJIRO CLASHES FISTS WITH THELDORRIN! THEY EXCHANGE MACH PUNCHES UNTIL THELDORRIN SLAMS AN ELBOW INTO HIS CHEST, CAUSING HIM TO SPEW BLOOD!

“FUCK … YOU!” Kenjiro gives Theldorrin the MIDDLE FINGER as he FALLS BACK TO THE GROUND with BLOOD TRAILING from his body. Theldorrin LOOKS DOWN TO SEE THAT THE PREVIOUS TWO ATTACKS WERE A DISTRACTION! GUAN FEI IS FLYING UPWARDS, SWINGING KILLING THE DRAGON!

“DIE MONSTER! YOU DON’T BELONG IN THIS WORLD!” GUAN FEI SCREAMS! THE BLADE CLEAVES THELDORRIN CUTS THROUGH HIS SKULL AND CLEAVES HIM COMPLETELY IN HALF!

J.R.: BAH GAWD! HE JUST CUT HIM IN HALF!

The CHUNKS OF THELDORRIN RAIN DOWN and immediately begins RECOMPOSING. Daniels lies in the corner of the arena with a THIGH that has been TURNED to HAMBURGER. Kenjiro is near UNCONSCIOUSNESS in his own crater. And Guan Fei MUSCLES have FINALLY TORN with that LAST SWING, PUSHING HIMSELF BEYOND THE LIMITS. As Theldorrin’s HANDS grow from the BUBBLING, VEINY, BLOODY MASS, they begin CLAPPING, SPLASHING BLOOD WITH EACH CLAP.

“Hahahahaha!” Theldorrin says as HIS BLACK ARMOR GROWS OVER HIS BODY, “It’s over! Stop delaying the INEVITABLE!”

THELDORRIN LEAPS FORTY FEET INTO THE AIR AS GUAN FEI STANDS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ARENA, ATTEMPTING TO STAND ON HIS BROKEN BODY WHILE THE REMAINING FANS AND THE WORLD WATCH ON. THELDORRIN’S CHEST TRANSFORMS INTO A MONSTROUS CANNON!

“TO RING IN MY REIGN, THIS WHOLE CITY IS GOING UP IN SMOOOOKE!!” THELDORRIN SAYS AS ROCKATRICITY FILLS THE CANNON JUTTING FROM HIS CHEST!

“He’s going … to destroy us all …” Daniels says as he tries to crawl to his feet, dragging his dead leg, “I have to stop him.”

”Bastard …” Kenjiro mutters as he raises to one knee, “I’ll beat his ass …”

THE FANS DO NOT LEAVE ALTHOUGH THEIR IMPENDING DOOM IS APPARENT.

J.R.: FOLKS, THIS LOOKS LIKE IT’S GOING TO BE MY LAST BROADCAST SO I’D LIKE TO THANK ALL OF YOU WONDERFUL FANS FOR MAKING THIS THE BEST THING I’VE EVER BEEN A PART OF. I WILL SEE THIS BATTLE UNTIL IT’S END.

W.W.: FUCK YOU, I’M GETTING THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! RODRIGUEZ, LET’S HIGHTAIL IT!

As Warrior Warrior’s SLAVE CARRIES HIM AWAY, THELDORRIN HOVERS ABOVE THE ENERGY CHARGING HIS ENERGY WEAPON.

“ANY LAST WORDS?” THELDORRIN SMILES, ROCKATRICITY FLOWING OUT OF EVERY PORE.

“LIKE I SAID BEFORE, I’LL KILL YOU A 1000 TIMES IF I HAVE TO!” GUAN FEI SCREAMS, GRABBING HIS SPEAR, KILLING THE DRAGON, “FROM THE VERY DEPTHS OF HELL I WILL STRIKE YOU DOWN!!”

“JUST TRY IT, FAGGOT!!”

WITH EVERY LAST BIT OF FUCKING ENERGY IN GUAN FEI’S GODDAMNED BODY, WITH EVERY LAST MUSCLE SHREDDING, WITH HIS FUCKING ARM BULGING INSANELY, GUAN FEI THROWS HIS SPEAR LIKE A FUCKING ROCKET-POWERED JAVELIN STRAIGHT AT THELDORRIN! INSTANTLY, AS SOON AS HE RELEASES THE SPEAR, GUAN FEI’S MUSCLES FROM HIS RIGHT ARM TO HIS SHOULDER *EXPLODE* AND BLOOD SQUIRTS FROM HIS BODY. AS THE FLYING SPEAR COMES CLOSER AND CLOSER TO THELDORRIN AND HIS ROCKATRICITY CANNON, THELDORRIN GRINS!

“FOOL! TIME STOP!!” THELDORRIN SCREAMS! THE WORLD TURNS TO BLACK AND WHITE AS TIME SLOWS TO A STOP. THELDORRIN SMILES A VICTORY GRIN UNTIL HE SEES THE SPEAR STILL FLYING TOWARDS HIM! THIS IS WHEN HE NOTICES THE TIME DIAMOND, THE VERY ONE THAT WAS ONCE IN GUAN FEI’S EMPTY SOCKET, HAS BEEN TIED TO THE FUCKING SPEAR WITH A PIECE OF GUAN FEI’S ROBE!

“YOU BASTARD!” THELDORRIN SHOUTS THE WORDS THAT GUAN FEI CANNOT HEAR! THELDORRIN DODGES THE SPEAR BUT IT MANAGES TO TEAR THROUGH THE ROCKATRICITY CANNON PROTRUDING FROM HIS CHEST, REDUCING IT BLOOD AND METAL, DISPERSING THE ENERGY INSTANTLY! THE SPEAR CONTINUES STRAIGHT UP LIKE A BULLET, ENOUGH FORCE BEHIND IT TO TURN THELDORRIN INTO A FUCKING MILKSHAKE (MADE OUT OF BLOOD INSTEAD OF MILK). DUE TO THE SUDDEN TRAUMA, THELDORRIN RELEASES HIS TIME STOP AND GUAN FEI SEES HIS HANDIWORK!

“YOU THINK YOU’RE CLEVER!” THELDORRIN SHOUTS as BLOOD POURS FROM HIS CHEST, “YOU THINK YOU GOT THE BEST OF ME?!”

Guan Fei’s head is hanging down as he CLUTCHES HIS BROKEN AND BLOODY ARM. Both Daniels and Kenjiro still cannot stand!

J.R.: IT SEEMS THAT GUAN FEI HAS DESTROYED, UH, WHATEVER THAT CAME OUT OF THELDORRIN’S CHEST BUT HE STILL SEEMS FINE! The THREE WARRIORS THAT ARE FACING HIM LOOK BARELY ALIVE LET ALONE STRONG ENOUGH TO PUT UP A FIGHT!

“ANSWER ME, GODDAMNIT!” THELDORRIN SCREAMS, “I CAN JUST CREATE ANOTHER CANNON! AND ANOTHER!”

Suddenly, from his CHEST BURSTS THE ROCKATRICITY CANNON, SOAKED IN BLOOD!

“OVER AND OVER AND OVER! I’M FUCKING THELDORRIN!” HE SHOUTS. Suddenly, LAUGHTER ENTERS THE ROBOTIC TYRANT’S EARS. THE LAUGHTER OF GUAN FEI!

“WHAT’S SO FUNNY?!”

Guan Fei RAISES HIS HEAD TO SHOW A WIDE GRIN TO THELDORRIN.

“You don’t get it, do you? I wasn’t strong enough to kill you, I understood that,” Guan Fei tells him, smiling.

“What the fuck are you going on about?”

“Not Daniels, not Kenjiro, not me. We couldn’t beat you. But there is one person who could.”

A slow realization creeps onto Theldorrin’s face.

“I POURED EVERYTHING I HAD INTO THAT LAST ATTACK!” GUAN FEI SCREAMS, “THAT SPEAR WAS NEVER AIMED FOR YOU, THELDORRIN! IT WAS AIMED FOR THE CALCULUS II!!”

THELDORRIN’S HEAD JERKS UP TO SEE A BRIGHT, FIERY SUPERNOVA IN THE FUCKING SKY! WITH ONE OF THE MIGHT RIGHTEOUS AND MOTHERFUCKING THUNDEROUS GUITAR RIFFS IN HISTORY, A GODDAMNED SHITFUCKING COMET *CRASHES* INTO THE ARENA! ON TOP OF THAT COMET IS A MAN COVERED IN SMOKE. A MAN WEARING A COWBOY HAT. A MAN WIELDING A FUCKING GUITAR!

J.R.: IT’S GODDAMNED HANDSOMUS R. AWESOME!! GIBNAJ:LKANHGGAJASGJG!! FUUUCK!K!KRN!

THELDORRIN’S MOUTH HANGS OPEN AS HE TURNS TO FACE THE SILHOUETTE DRIFTING THROUGH THE SMOKE. HE BEGINS CONVULSING, ON THE VERGE OF VOMITING, AS HIS EYES BULGE OUT OF HIS HEAD.

FROM WITHIN THE SMOKE THE MAN PLAYS HIS GUITAR. HE PLAYS THE FUCKING STAR-SPANGLED BANNER!

“YOU CAN’T!! YOU’RE FUCKING DEAD! FUCKING DEAD!!”

J.R.: IN ALL THATI IS GOOD AND HOLY AND AMERICAN, HANDSOMUS R. AWESOME HAS COME BACK!!

“FUCKINGG DEADDD GRAHAAHGH!!” THELDORRIN FUCKING SHITS A BRICK.

From OUT OF THE SMOKE, HANDSOMUS R. AWESOME EMERGES IN HIS FULL BLACK LEATHER OUTFIT, WEARING HIS AVIATOR SUNGLASSES, HIS WHITE HAIR AND GIANT SIDEBURNS BLOWING IN THE WIND. HE RAISES A FINGER, A FINGER OF FUCKING JUSTICE, AND AIMS IT TOWARDS THELDORRIN. IT’S A FUCKING POINT THAT PIERCES THROUGH HIS SOUL.

“YOU!!” HANDSOMUS SHOUTS! THELDORRIN LETS OUT A MAD HOWL AND CHARGES FORWARD! THEY IMMEDIATELY CLASH, HANDSOMUS’ GUITAR STARSTRUCK BURSTING WITH RAWKRA AGAINST THELDORRIN’S FISTS! THELDORRIN PULLS BACK HIS HANDS TO SHOW THEM SQUIRTING BLOOD!

“FUCK YOU!!” THELDORRIN SCREAMS, LAUNCHING MOBIUS BANDS WITH BOTH HANDS! USING STARSTRUCK, HANDSOMUS SWATS THEM AWAY, SENDING TO EXPLODE FANS IN THE AUDIENCE WHO ARE CHOKING ON THEIR TONGUES FROM THE IMMENSE AWESOME SEIZURES THEY’RE GOING THROUGH.

J.R.: WHEN I THOUGHT THE WORLD WAS DOOMED, GUAN FEI HAS BROUGHT US A SAVIOR!!

THE BATTLE FOR EARTH CONTINUES WITH HANDSOMUS LEAPING OFF THE GROUND AND STRIKING THE FLYING THELDORRIN WITH STARSTRUCK! THELDORRIN CRASHES INTO THE GROUND AND DRILLS THROUGH! SECONDS LATER, HE BURSTS OUT FROM UNDER THE CONCRETE AND HITS HANDSOMUS WITH A MASSIVE RIGHT! HANDSOMUS’ FACE IS RIPPED OPEN TO REVEAL HIS IRON CIRCULATORY SYSTEM UNDERNEATH!

HANDSOMUS SPRING BOARDS OFF THE WALL AND ZOOMS TOWARD THELDORRIN, PLAYING A RIGHTEOUS GUITAR SOLO THAT BLOWS OFF THELDORRIN’S SKIN!

“I’LL KILL YOU! I’LL SEND YOU BACK YOU SON OF A BITCH!” THELDORRIN SCREAMS AS HE CRASHES INTO THE GROUND! As HANDSOMUS COMES DOWN WITH HIS AXE HELD HIGH ABOVE HIS HEAD, THELDORRIN SCREAMS THOSE WORDS WE’VE HEARD A DOZEN TIMES TONIGHT!

“TIME STOP!”

THE GOD-TAR COMES TO THE EDGE OF THELDORRIN’S SKULL BEFORE HALTING TO A STOP! THELDORRIN LOOKS UP AT HIS ETERNAL FOE, FROZEN IN THE MOMENT!

“YOU BASTARD! I’LL TEAR YOUR FUCKING HEAD OFF!” THELDORRIN SAYS, TRANSFORMING HIS ARM INTO A BROADSWORD AND SWINGING IT AT HANDSOMUS’ NECK!

CLANG! STARSTRUCK CRACKS OPEN THELDORRIN’S SKULL AND KNOCKS HIS FUCKING BRAINS OUT! Time RESUMES and THELDORRIN FALLS DOWN IN A BLOODY HEAP WHILE HAVING A SEIZURE AS THE RAWKRA EXPLODES HIS CELLS!

“But-BUT-BUT! THE TIME STOP!” THELDORRIN CRIES. HANDSOMUS ANSWERS HIS QUESTION BY RAISING UP A TIME DIAMOND.

”I’ve been using it as a pick,” Handsomus grins.

“So you’re Handsomus R. Awesome,” Guan Fei drags himself over to the STAR WARRIOR.

“And you are the man that brought me back,” Handsomus says, TIPPING HIS COWBOY HAT, “Thanks, but your job isn’t over.”

“Huh?” Guan Fei replies.

“Even with all my RAWKRA, I don’t have enough power to wipe this fucker off the face of the planet,” Handsomus says LOOKING AT THELDORRIN CONVULSE as he TRIES TO REGROW HIS BODY, “With this new power of his, he’ll keep regenerating over and over now matter how many times I destroy. We need to take him out all at once.”

“HOW?!” GUAN FEI ASKS.

“Get your two friends,” Handsomus tells him.

“I’LL KILL YOU … I’LL KILL … YOU!” Theldorrin repeats over and over as HE TRIES TO STAND, “I’LL KILL YOU!”

“FUCK OFF!” HANDSOMUS SHOUTS BACK! They CLASH AND BEGIN TRADING BLOWS, GUITAR TO FIST!

GUAN FEI APPROACHES THE BAND VISCERAPE who have been FURIOUSLY MASTURBATING TO THE BATTLE THEY ARE WITNESSING.

“We need … to borrow your instruments,” Guan Fei tells LEAD SINGER LEITCH.

“Anything for Handsomus!” Leitch replies!

J.R.: I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON, BUT AS HANDSOMUS IS BATTLING THELDORRIN, GUAN FEI HAS GATHERED UP VISCERAPE’S INSTRUMENTS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ARENA!

HANDSOMUS TEARS THELDORRIN IN HALF WITH A SWING OF HIS STARSTRUCK, SPILLING HIS ORGANS AROUND THE ARENA FOR THE LIKE TENTH TIME! Handsomus FALLS BACK DOWN TO THE GROUND as GUAN FEI GRABS CURTIS’ BASS GUITAR, DANIELS GETS ON BENEDICT THE WOLVERINE’S KEYBOARD, AND KENJIRO SITS DOWN AT EMPEROR FUCK’S DRUMS.

“I don’t get what we are doing,” Daniels tells Handsomus. HANDSOMUS GIVES HIM A SMIRK.

“WE ARE GOING TO BRING THE HOUSE DOWN!” HE REPLIES.

“But … I really don’t know how to play,” Kenjiro says, LOOKING OVER THE FEMURS EMPEROR FUCK USES FROM DRUMSTICKS.

“Don’t worry, AS LONG AS YOU ARE PLAYING WITH ME AND JUSTICE IS IN YOUR HEART, EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE!” HANDSOMUS GRINS, “NOW THEN …

LET’S ROCK!!

J.R.: FOR SOME FUCKING REASON ALL FOUR HEROES ARE PLAYING INSTRUMENTS!!

“I’ll … KILL YOU ALL!” THELDORRIN SCREAMS, “KILLLLLLL!!”

SHIFT-CLICK HERE!

HANDSOMUS BEGINS EXPERTLY PLAYING HIS GUITAR, PRODUCING A RIFF THAT GROWS IN VOLUME AND INTENSITY BEFORE EXPLODING IN AWESOMENESS!

Theldorrin looks up at the RIGHTEOUS HEROES IN FRONT OF THEM, BEGINNING PREPARATIONS TO ROCK HIM OUT OF THIS UNIVERSE ONCE AND FOR ALL. TO SAY HE WAS STRICKEN WAS FEAR WAS AN UNDERFUCKINGSTATEMENT!

#THUNDER, RAIN AND LIGHTNING#
#DANGER, WATER RISING#
#CLAMOR, SIRENS WAILING#
#IT’S SUCH A BAD SIGN#

DANIELS, KENJIRO, AND GUAN FEI ARE ALL STUNNED THAT THEY CAN PLAY THESE INSTRUMENTS, DANIELS MOST OF ALL BECAUSE HE’S BACKUP SINGING FOR A SONG HE’S NEVER HEARD! AS HANDSOMUS AND DANIELS SHOUT INTO THE MICROPHONES, RAWKRA BLASTS FROM THE BAND AND CAUSES ONE OF THELDORRIN’S ARMS TO EXPLODE!

#SHADOWS OF DARK CREATURES#
#STEEL CLOUDS FLOATING IN THE AIR#
#PEOPLE RUN FOR SHELTER#
#WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN TO US?#

KENJIRO SLAMS THE FEMURS IN HIS HANDS WILDLY AGAINST THE DRUMS AS IF HE WERE POSSESSED BY THE SOUL OF ROCK ‘N’ ROLL! THELDORRIN’S LEG TURNS EXPLODES INTO BLOOD AND THEN HIS FUCKING BLOOD EXPLODES!

#All the steps we take, all the moves we make, all the pain at stake!#
#I see the chaos for everyone who are we what can we do!#
#You and I are same in the way that we have our own styles that we won't change!#
#Yours is filled with evil and mine's not there is no way I can lose!#

GUAN FEI HITS A BASS LINE WHILE SCREAMING HIS FUCKING HEAD OFF! THE STRUM OF THE BASS GUITAR TRAVELS INTO THE GROUND AND ALONG THE CONCRETE BEFORE EXPLODING ONTO THELDORRIN’S CHEST, CAUSING HIS HEART TO FLY OUT OF HIS BODY AND CATCH FIRE!

#CAN’T HOLD ON MUCH LONGER (BUT I WILL NEVER LET GO!)#
#I KNOW IT’S A ONE WAY TRACK (TELL ME HOW LONG THIS’LL LAST!)#
#I’M NOT GONNA THINK THIS WAY (NOR WILL I COUNT ON OTHERS!)#
#CLOSE MY EYES AND FEEL IT BURN (NOW I SEE WHAT I’VE GOTTA DO!)#

ALTHOUGH THERE’S NO ACTUAL KEYBOARD WORK IN THIS SONG, JACK “JIM BEAM” DANIELS BELTS OUT LYRICS INTO THE MICROPHONE ALONG WITH HANDSOMUS AND THIS CAUSES THELDORRIN’S ORGANS TO GET SUCKED INTO A BLACK HOLE!

#OPEN YOUR HEART, IT'S GONNA BE ALL RIGHT!#

HANDSOMUS’ BELT BUCKLES REVERBERATE WITH ENERGY AS HIS GUITAR SQUEALS!

#ANCIENT CITY BLAZING#
#SHADOWS KEEP ATTACKING#
#LITTLE CHILDREN CRYING#
#CONFUSION, HOPELESS ANGER#

#I don't know what it can be but you drive me crazy#
#All your cunning tricks make me sick, you won't have it your own way#

AS THIS POINT THELDORRIN IS SPEWING BLOOD FROM EVERY SINGLE PORE WHILE ON FIRE AND ALSO BEING ELECTROCUTED!

#CAN’T HOLD ON MUCH LONGER (BUT I WILL NEVER LET GO!)#
#I KNOW IT’S A ONE WAY TRACK (TELL ME HOW LONG THIS’LL LAST!)#
#I’M NOT GONNA THINK THIS WAY (NOR WILL I COUNT ON OTHERS!)#
#CLOSE MY EYES AND FEEL IT BURN (NOW I SEE WHAT I’VE GOTTA DO!)#

#OPEN YOUR HEART … AND YOU’LL SEE!!#

HANDSOMUS STRUMS THE TIME DIAMOND ON THE FUCKING STRINGS OF HIS GOD-TAR AT LIGHTNING SPEEDS, PRODUCING A BLISSFUL SOUND THAT MAKES EVERY SURVIVING FAN SHIT THEIR FUCKING PANTS!

“GAAAARRGGHGHGHGH!!” THELDORRIN SCREAMS AS THE SPIRIT OF RONNIE JAMES DIO LEAPS OUT OF HANDSOMUS’ GUITAR JUST LONG ENOUGH TO KICK THELDORRIN IN THE NUTS!

#If it won't stop, there will be no future for us!#
#Its heart is tied down by all the hate, gotta set him free!#

#I KNOW IT’S A ONE WAY TRACK (TELL ME HOW LONG THIS’LL LAST!)#
#CLOSE MY EYES AND FEEL IT BURN (NOW I SEE WHAT I’VE GOTTA DO!)#

#GOTTA OPEN YOUR HEART, DUDE!#

#CAN’T HOLD ON MUCH LONGER (BUT I WILL NEVER LET GO!)#
#I KNOW IT’S A ONE WAY TRACK (TELL ME HOW LONG THIS’LL LAST!)#
#I’M NOT GONNA THINK THIS WAY (NOR WILL I COUNT ON OTHERS!)#
#CLOSE MY EYES AND FEEL IT BURN (NOW I SEE WHAT I’VE GOTTA DO!)#

#OPEN YOUR HEART, IT'S GONNA BE ALL RIGHT!#

#OPEN YOUR HEART#

#OPEN YOUR HEAAART! YEAAAAAH!#

AS HANDSOMUS DELIVERS THAT LAST LYRIC, THELDORRIN IS BLASTED FROM THE GROUND AND IS DRIVEN THROUGH THE STANDS AND LIKE THREE HUNDRED FANS UNTIL HIS ALREADY SEVERELY DESTROYED BODY EXPLODES AGAINST THE WALL WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY EXPLODING MADISON SQUARE GARDEN!!

J.R.: BAAAAH GAWAAWD!! BAAAAH GAAWWD!! BAAAAHFAGKGHDL!!

Immediately, Viscerape’s instruments crumble to dust from the SEVERE ROCKING they underwent. Kenjiro, Daniels, and Guan Fei all collapse from the performance. Handsomus kneels down and uses his guitar for support, even him drained after such a feat.

“We’ve done it,” Handsomus tells his NEW FRIENDS, “We’ve killed that fucking asshole Theldorrin, once and for all.”

“The man that killed Saketumi … my brother … finally dead,” Kenjiro says into a clenched fist.

“The greatest foe I ever faced …” Daniels says, “I’m a little sad I’ll never get a rematch.”

“That demon is now in hell, paying for the atrocities he has committed,” Guan Fei begins to tear up, “Guan No, Mooly … rest in peace.”

“Yeah,” Handsomus R. Awesome, “The world is safe.”






“D’LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!”

THE VOICE ERUPTS OUT FROM THE CORNER OF THE SHATTERED ARENA. IT’S FUCKING THELDORRIN, HIS FUCKING HEAD STILL EXISTING SOME HOW, SCREAMING FOR HELP!

”D’LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! GRANT ME MORE POWAAAAAHH!!”

“NO! HOW!” HANDSOMUS SAYS, JUMPING TO HIS FEET!

BUT IT’S TOO FUCKING LATE. AN INCREDIBLY LOUD DRONE, LIKE A FUCKING FOG HORN FROM HELL, PIERCES THE AIR. THE SKY TURNS PITCH-BLACK AS AN INCREDIBLE PRESSURE FILLS THE AIR!

“It’s him again!” Daniels says, FEELING THAT ALL-ENCOMPASSING DREAD!!

“D’LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!” THELDORRIN’S HEAD FUCKING SCREAMS.

“BASTARD!” HANDSOMUS SAYS BUT HE FINDS THE IMMENSE PRESSURE PUSHING HIM DOWN INTO THE GROUND, EVEN THE MIGHTY STAR WARRIOR UNABLE TO STAND!

GOOD OL’ JIM ROSS CAN’T EVEN SPEAK.

SUDDENLY, THE ROCKS AND THE METAL THAT FORMED MADISON SQUARE GARDEN BEGIN LEVITATING, FLOATING UP INTO THE AIR! THE INTENSE FOGHORN LIKE SOUND CONTINUES BLARING. THE ROCKS AND THE METAL BEGIN COLLECTING TOGETHER, THE ROCKS WRAPPING AROUND THE STEEL BEAMS UNTIL A MASSIVE, ONE HUNDRED FOOT SKELETON IS CREATED!

“This is bad …” Handsomus chokes out. A DESPERATE SMILE CROSSES THELDORRIN’S FACE.

SUDDENLY, ALL THE FUCKING DEAD BODIES BEGIN LEVITATING UNTIL THEY ARE THROWN AT THE GIGANTIC SKELETON, SPLATTERING ON IT LIKE FLIES UNTIL THE ENTIRE THING IS DRENCHED IN BLOOD. OUT OF THE BLOOD RISES UP A SKIN, A DARK BROWN SKIN. THE BEING CONSTITUTED FROM MADISON SQUARE GARDEN AND THOUSANDS OF DEAD TAKES THE APPEARANCE WE ALL FEARED THE MOST: D’LO FUCKING BROWN.

ON HIS CHEST PROTECTOR IS THE SOULS OF THE DAMNED WRITHING IN PAIN LIKE CRUSHED INSECTS STILL ALIVE FOR A FEW MORE AGONIZING MOMENTS. PALE, WHITE ORBS ARE D’LO’S EYES, CASTING AN UNHOLY GLOW WHERE EVER HE CASTS HIS GAZE. AS D’LO’S MOUTH OPENS TO SPEAK, FLESH AND BONES COME TUMBLING OUT.

“WHO HAS SUMMONED ME?” D’LO ASKS, UNLEASHING THE HOT STENCH OF DEATH WHEN HE SPEAKS.

”IT WAS ME, D’LO!! I HAVE DECODED YOUR D’LONOMICON AND I DESIRE MORE POWER!!” THELDORRIN’S HEAD SCREAMS AT D’LO!

“THE D’LONOMICON IS NOT MY TOOL. THOSE WHO POSSESS IT SHALL BE SENT TO THE BOWELS OF D’LO TO ROT WITH ALI DROZDOV, BOILING IN THE LAKE OF HOT SULFUR THAT IS MY DIGESTIVE SYSTEM.”

“NO! NO! I NEED POWER! I AM YOUR SERVANT, D’LO!”

D’LO’S MOUTH OPENS UP FURTHER, STRETCHING TO HORRIFIC, NIGHTMARISH LENGTHS. A VACCUUM PICKS THELDORRIN’S HEAD UP, ALONG WITH THE REST OF HIS BODY, AND SUCKS IT UP INTO D’LO’S GULLET. AS THELDORRIN’S HEAD VANISHES INTO THE ETERNAL DARKNESS OF D’LO’S HEAD, HE SCREAMS ONE LAST CRY.

“FUUUUCCKK YOUUUU FAGGGOOOOTS!!”

AND THEN HE IS GONE. FOR FUCKING REAL, THIS TIME.

D’LO TURNS HIS GAZE TO THE FOUR WARRIORS WHO CAN BARELY BREATHE IN HIS FUCKING PRESENCE. HE CASTS HIS GAZE ON THE D’LONOMICON AMONG THEM AND POINTS A GIGANTIC, BLACK FINGER TO IT, TURNING IT INSTANTLY TO ASH.

“NO ONE SHALL EVER AGAIN SUMMON D’LO TO THIS EARTHLY PLANE. D’LO HAS SPOKEN!”



“D’LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!” ANOTHER VOICE SHOUTS.

ELSEWHERE, JUST OUTSIDE MADISON SQUARE GARDEN, IN THE NEW YORK CITY BRANCH OF FTUW STANDS A GIGANTIC JAMES BROCK MCHARRIS STATUE. THE STATUE BEGINS CRUMBLING, THE GIANT ARMS OF MCHARRIS CRASHING DOWN ON CARS AND BUILDINGS, KILLING HUNDREDS. UNDER THE FRAME IS STATUE IS A GIANT SET OF STAIRS.

“D’LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!” MCHARRIS FUCKING SCREAMS AS HE CHARGES TO THE TOP! D’LO CASTS HIS HELLISH GAZE TOWARDS THE FTUW OWNER.

“WHAT DOES A FOOL LIKE YOU WANT?”

”TO FUCKING KILL YOUR ASS!” MCHARRIS SCREAMS AND BEGINS CACKLING WILDLY, POPPING A GIANT BONER THAT NEARLY BREAKS HIS PANTS.

D’LO MOVES HIS HAND TOWARDS MCHARRIS WHO WASTES NO TIME AND FUCKING LEAPS ON THE THING! EVERYONE WATCHES STUNNED AS THIS MAN HAS MADE MOTHERFUCKING CONTACT WITH D’LO WITHOUT INSTANTLY EXPLODING! JAMES BROCK MCHARRIS TRUDGES THROUGH HIS SKIN AS HANDS FORM OUT OF D’LOS OIL-BLACK SKIN, CLAWING AT MCHARRIS’ LEGS.

“I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS CUNTFUCKING SHIT ASSHOLE MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!!” MCHARRIS SCREAMS, CHARGING UP THE ARM! MCHARRIS LEAPS INTO THE AIR WITH EVERYTHING HE HAS IN HIS FUCKING BODY AND HURLS A GODDAMNED SHITFUCKING PUNCH RIGHT INTO D’LO’S FUCKING ASSHOLE CHEEK FUCK!!

AND D’LO’S HEAD FUCKING SLIGHTLY MOVES!!

D’LO STARES AT MCHARRIS WHOSE FIST IS BURIED IN HIS CHEEK. SUDDENLY, THAT VERY ARM EXPLODES!!

“SHIIITTTT!!” MCHARRIS FALLS BACKWARDS AS HIS STUMP SQUIRTS BLOOD ALL OVER D’LO’S SHOULDER! “YOU SHITFACED COCKSUCKER!!”

MCHARRIS HAS THE FUCKING BALLS TO PUNCH HIM AGAIN! D’LO ONCE AGAIN STARES AT HIM AND HIS OTHER ARM FUCKING EXPLODES!!

“GRAAAAAAGH!!” MCHARRIS SCREAMS AS HE LEAPS UP AND FUCKING BITES D’LO’S NECK!! “FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU!!” MCHARRIS SCREAMS AS D’LO FLESH IS IN HIS MOUTH!

SUDDENLY, MCHARRIS IS FLUNG BACK ON TO THE ALTAR MAGICALLY!
“YOU ARE VERY BRAVE,” D’LO MUTTERS.

“BUT THOSE FOOLISH ENOUGH TO ATTACK D’LO MUST DIE.”

D’LO BRINGS ONE HAND DOWN ON THE ALTAR AND CRUSHES IT IMMEDIATELY, REDUCING IT TO RUBBLE. D’LO’S FORM THEN RETURNS TO THAT OF A BLOODY SKELETON MADE OUT OF METAL AND STONE BEFORE COLLAPSING.

THE FUCKING END.