Dragon Ball Z Uncensored

[Ryoko's Biatch]

The screen is black. One can faintly hear the sound of a heartbeat growing louder and louder. FROM OUT OF NOWHERE, a guitar begins to squeal violently as the letters "F T U W" grow from a single white dot in the center of the screen. AS THE GUITAR'S SQUEAL REACHES ITS BREAKING POINT, THE LETTERS VIBRATE RETARDEDLY UNTIL THEY EXPLODE. The song is "Arcane Death Explosion" by Viscerape. The lead singer, Leitch, belts out a MONSTROUS GROAN in tune to footage of Ant King viciously raping Corey Nguyen.

#Graaaaaaaaaahh!!#

Handsomus R. Awesome and Theldorrin XIII trade titanic blows in the center of the ring. Sella Phayne slaps his chest, mouthing off while pointing his 9mm at the camera. A shot of the Jack Masterson getting impaled in the face with a SPEAR is followed by Puff Ryder FIRING OFF HIS EXTENDED BONG into Phayne's pick-up.

#COME-ON-COME-ON-COME-ON-COME-OOONNNRAAARGH!#

Baron Hoity von Toity DROPS AN ELBOW ONTO SAKETUMI'S SKULL. Masterson hurls a hatchet that flies into the mouth of the Minister of Beards, Guan Fei. Ooka Jooka flies HIGH ABOVE THE ARENA, his dick trailing behind him. Handsomus and Theldorrin clash CHARIOTS AT HIGH SPEEDS. Jonesie slashes off the many arms of Norman Bald-win, spewing forth decayed ooze and dried blood. Fancy Lala rolls around on the floor, shitting his pants, before the footage switches over to Kuroda plucking out Jonesie's eyeball with his toes.

#The RAAAAAPE! THE MURDAAAAAH! THE RAPE AND THE MURDDAAH MURDER RAAAPE!#

Krystol stands on the CELL IN THE HELL, Non-American Championship raised above his head. The giant hand of Apathetic Arschloch's DAD CRUSHES HIM INTO EL TIGRE! Saketumi and Jack Daniels HEADBUTT EACH OTHER OVER AND OVER, CAUSING THE GROUND AT THEIR FEET TO CRACK! Theldorrin XIV hovers above FUCK MOUNTAIN, wielding a massive MOLTEN BOULDER. Moloch Arschloch bites off Saito's fingers. Bin Destruction CRASHES DOWN FROM OUTER SPACE and collides into Puff Ryder's chest. Daniels hits both Theldorrin and Saketumi with bursts of flames. Rakkyu Saketumi stands unconscious, dead, in his friends' arms, gripping the World Title belt tightly. The ANT KING fires his sniper rifle, NEARLY DECAPITATING Charles Bronson. The music reaches it CRESCENDO and the FTUW logo BURSTS THROUGH A BRICK WALL, spurting blood from the hole for some reason. The screen fades to black.

FTUW Entertainment 2006. All Rights Reserved.

The camera pans over a FROTHING CROWD. Countless fans wear FTUW merchandise including ANT KING AND GOLDMAN T-SHIRTS, giant foam Guan Fei beards and Bronson mustaches, and Puff Ryder promotional bongs. THE ARENA IS DIVIDED IN TWO HALFS, seperated by a GIGANTIC ELECTRIC FENCE. On one side is CLASSIC FTUW FANS YOU SEE AT EVERY show where the other is filled with a PULSING MASS OF ZOMBIES. This arena is none other than the New Empire of the Damned Murdertorium!

J.R.: Welcome folks, this is good ol' J.R. at FTUW'S Carlos Mencia Gets Disembowled! I'm sitting here with my broadcasting partner, Warrior W. Warrior. Thanks for being here, Warrior.

W.W.: Not so glad to be here, J.R.! Being at an FTUW event does dull the IMMENSE ANGER I feel from being in TRAITOR LAND, though.

J.R.: That's right! We are here in the lovely NEW EMPIRE OF THE DAMNED. We have a lot of exciting matches tonight including some INCREDIBLE SPECIALTY MATCHES and perhaps one of the MOST INTENSE FEUDS IN FTUW HISTORY COMING TO A CONCLUSION! But before we begin, let's introduce our SPECIAL GUEST COMMENTATOR. Star of several films including "Dolemite," "Dolemite II: The Human Tornado," and "Shaolin Dolemite" ... RUDY RAY MOORE!

A 70's song sung by Rudy Ray Moore himself plays as he walks to the commentator's booth in his white, sequined suit. He sits down at the commentator's booth.

J.R.: Welcome Rudy Ray Moore. Do you have a one-liner you would like to introduce yourself with?

R.R.: Rudy Ray is my name and fuckin' up muthafuckas is my game!

J.R.: Excellent.

W.W.: I don't know about this guy, J.R. There's something about him that bugs me. I think he may be ... A ZOMBIE.

R.R.: When I see a zombie, I cut the muthafucka.

W.W.: We'll see about that.

J.R.: I'm being told now that James Brock McHarris has a few words before we kick off the Pay-Per-View!

James Brock McHarris walks to the ring in a fine Italian suit and some very dramatic, orchestral music playing. He climbs up the ring stairs and a referee hands him a microphone.

"Ladies and gentleman, I'd like to welcome you the Murdertorium in the New Empire of Damned for our 12th Pay-Per-View, Carlos Mencia Gets Disembowled!" he says manly-like. The crowd explodes.

"We here at the FTUW are very proud of our accomplishments and we're growing larger every day! However, the FUCKING GOVERNMENT has been on our asses saying the FTUW regularly commits CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY. Hey assholes, there's no one here that doesn't want to be!"

W.W.: Preach it!

"So that's why we were pleased that the President of the New Empire of the Damned, FTUW wrestler Hard'Rok, has graciously invited us to his FREEDOM-LOVING and awesome country. All the money we have saved from not having to fight off the U.S. military during the duration of the Pay-Per-View has allowed us to FILL TONIGHT'S CARD with TOTALLY AWESOME AND FUCKING INSANE GIMMICK MATCHES!"

The crowd EXPLODES HARDER.

"Now, thank you everyone and enjoy the show!"

J.R.: Our first bout is the NAMESAKE for this particular Pay-Per-View. We have one of our professional wrestlers, Robert McCoy, taking on Comedy Central's very own CARLOS MENCIA in a COMEDY BATTLE. The comedian first to recieve a LAUGH will NOT be DISEMBOWLED by a gigantic scythe we have hanging from the roof of the arena!

W.W.: Sounds exciting, J.R.!

Carlos Mencia and Robert McCoy stand in the middle of the ring, each with microphones in their hands.

"Damn!" Robert McCoy thinks to himself, "How am I supposed to face a comedian in a comedy battle?! I'm just a fighter! Oh, sensei, if only you were still here! Sensei ..." he begins to tear up.

Carlos Mencia: *says that Mexicans work for very little money. Sweats. Bounces from foot to foot*

The audience is frozen.

Carlos Mencia: *says the audience didn't get joke and then further explains that Mexicans eat beans.*

Comical sound of crickets.

Carlos Mencia: *Talks about people complaining about controversial situation. Uses retarded catch phrase.*

The FTUW staff is now pumping laughing gas through the vents.

Carlos Mencia: *Says black men like to sleep with white women. Attempts to high five black guy in audience*

"Man, yeah, how about those black people?"

Carlos Mencia: Hahaha! What the hell is that? That's not funny!

The giant mechanized scythe is unlatched. The huge blade swings down and impales Carlos Mencia. His intestines fly out of his mouth as he swung back and forth, shitting all over the crowd and showering the arena in shit.

Lightning: Your winner ... ROBERT MCCOY!

Robert McCoy looks up at the ceiling and sees the image of Sensei Wojehowski.

"Thank you, sensei!"

J.R.: I can honestly say that I am completely surprised by the results of that last match.

WW: Yeah, just as surprised as our audience, no doubt. Listen, people, Mexicans are only good for two things; Lawn and garden care and picking fruit. And they get paid less than minimum wage for it! I've never met a funny Mexican in my life, unless you count funny looking, funny smelling or funny talking. Oh and what gets me is how these "people" have the AUDACITY to demand American citizenship. They BLACKMAIL this great country by saying they'll walk out on their jobs in protest, protest over the fact that WE'RE PUNISHING THEM FOR BREAKING THE LAW! Do you understand that, Jim? Because I don't.

Hey, dicks, how about you apply for American citizenship like people from every other CIVILIZED nation in the world who realize how superior America is to their native shithole. There are proper channels, guys, maybe you should take advantage of them. If Mexico is so great and you're proud to be Mexican, why do you want to be in America so bad? Huh? Answer that one. I dare you. And these morons want to vote? How about we extend another privilege of American citizenship to you; PRISON!

And don't even get me started on the p/c liberal media that supports this nonsense. Don't even get me started. Fine, you pushed me. You're all aware of how I feel about p/c. It's a lie. A damned lie meant to dull our minds and hearts. The liberals want us to believe that everyone, even criminals and Mexicans, are equal and have valid beliefs. I'm talking about the Muslims on that last count. Before you know it, nothing is wrong and I can just walk right up to your mother, rape her and murder her. And maybe not even in that order! Let's get real!

J.R.: Well, let's talk about our next match. Bin Destruction against Jack "the Hatchet" Masterson in a blood siphoning match. And it's all for a good cause! The Red Cross will collect all of the spilt blood!

WW: Like anyone would accept a transfusion of Arab blood.

J.R.: Rudy Ray, tell us what you think about this match up.

RRM: That rat soup-eatin' mothafucka Jack Masterson will be pullin' sand out his dumb ass from here to Judgment Day.

WW: I hate to say it, but I agree. I hate that terrorist son of a bitch with every bit of my pure American soul, but I don't see how Masterson can win.

J.R.: Masterson has proven himself to be a determined and cold-blooded killer with tricks up his sleeve longer than an Oklahoma rattlesnake. Let's head to the ring with announcer Todd Lightning.

The crowd gets fucking psyched up as they see Todd Lightning prepare to speak. A shirtless man jumps over the railing onto the ramp, beer in hand, but before he can make any progress, he is savagely beaten by security. Security at FTUW events are mainly there to protect the event from police and military action, but also to beat the shit out of people. No one is actually more secure for their presence.

"ARE YOU READY FOR BLOODSHED?"

The crowd goes fucking crazy!

"Coming to the ring, from the Middle East, Mohammad Jaffer bin Abdul DESTRUCTION!"

The Faggotron plays a video of Osama bin Laden interspersed with images of an Israeli buses and landmarks exploding. An Islamic prayer is chanted through the speakers. Then a small amount of sand swirls along the ground out of the entrance and down the ramp. As the sand moves down the ramp, it grows in size until it is a giant sandstorm. The fans guard their eyes from the flying grains of sand and then it suddenly stops with Bin Destruction standing in the middle of the ring, his arms crossed. He smiles through crooked teeth and then extends his arms, three normal sized box cutters gripped between the fingers of each hand. He then throws them across his body to opposite sides, each blade penetrating the skull of an American swine.

WW: That fucking Arab piece of shit! I normally don't mind killing the fans, but that was TERRORISM!

J.R.: That dirty, no-good bastard!

RRM: That mothafuckas bad and if you don't know, he's a mothafuckin' human tornado!

Using his box cutter sword, Bin Destruction cuts off Todd Lightning's hand and then picks the microphone up off of the ground.

"Allah akbar," boos fill the arena, "I am having a video to play for you American pigs."

The arena lights dim and the Faggotron lights up. A woman, her mascara smears along her cheeks from tears, looks straight ahead on the screen. "These men have been taking very good care of me. They only make a few minor and acceptable demands. Please, listen to them."

RRM: Bitch, are you for real?

J.R.: Now wait a damn minute here, that's the Mayor's wife!

The Mayor's Wife continues, "They demand the expulsion of the Zionists from Palestine and the withdrawal of all American troops overseas. In addition they stipulate that if Bin Destruction loses this match, they will kill me (Oh my God) in retaliation. If you do not want an innocent death on your conscience, Mr. Masterson, you will forfeit or be killed by Allah's Chosen Warrior," she begins crying again, "If, however, Bin Destruction wins, I will be killed in celebration of his victory over the forces of the Zionist pigs. Oh my God, please, I don't want to die!"

J.R.: Bah gawd! What kind of sick stunt is this?

WW: This isn't a sick stunt, this is how these animals operate!

The Mayor sits in the front row, shocked by the video. Slowly his hands reach up and he cries into his palms. Bin Destruction just points and laughs at the effeminate display.

"Haw haw, look at this stupid American! He is cry like woman!"

But then the Mayor stops crying. He stands up and his fists shake with pure rage. He leaps over the barrier with incredible speed and slides into the ring. Bin Destruction just continues to laugh in his face. The Mayor cocks back his arm and then FUCKING EXPLODES! JACK MASTERSON FLIES OUT OF THE BURSTING TORSO AND PUNCHES BIN DESTRUCTION IN THE FACE! Jack then swings the hatchet down on Bin Destruction's head, but the blade is cut off by the box cutter sword. The referee jumps between the two men to break up to fight.

"Wait, we need to connect the tubes! This is a damn blood siphoning match!"

The two men grudgingly walk to their corners to be prepped.

WW: What bravery our refs have! Not many men would have gotten between those two monsters, especially with the knowledge that several other referees have been killed without directly interfering.

J.R.: If you ask me, that was just plain stupid, but his courage has to be commended.

Two representatives of the Red Cross begin sticking the hollow needles into Jack Masterson's veins. The rubber tubes are clamped shut with a special device that will open as soon as the bell is rung. Masterson sits on his stool, contemplating how to best murder the doctors tending to him. Then a syringe is placed in his palm.

J.R.: Those syringes are so they can steal blood from their opponent to replenish the blood they're sure to lose at a rapid pace. This is going to get ugly and fast!

The two Red Crescent doctors finish their work on Bin Destruction and he stands up. He then begins scanning the crowd. While he's lost in thought and stroking his beard, the bell rings and Masterson uppercuts him to the ground. Bin Destruction regains focus and hears the splattering of blood hitting the canvas. Masterson leaps on to the prone Arab and begins choking him and slamming his head on the mat.

J.R.: With their reduced blood pressures, choking has to be more effective than usual. The amount of oxygen reaching their brain is already low enough that any decrease could be extremely dangerous!

WW: And that's how we like it here at FTUW!

Bin Destruction fights against his body, which is trying its hardest to blackout. He runs his hand along the slick surface of the ring to find the syringe he dropped when he was attacked. Finally, he finds it and then STABS MASTERSON IN THE EYEBALL! Masterson tries closing his eye, but the needle is in deep. Masterson refuses to give in, though, knowing he's close to victory if Bin Destruction will just hurry up and die. But Bin Destruction pulls back on the plunger and sucks in some kind of fluid! He then presses the plunger down again and Masterson's eye FUCKING BURSTS! Masterson reels back and rolls onto the mat, the white liquid that used to be his eyeball running down his face.

WW: Jesus Christ's dick!

J.R.: Exactly what I was thinking, Warrior!

Bin Destruction gets to his feet, but he's already lost a lot of blood. His knees buckle a few times as he walks over to Masterson. Finally he drops to his knees and thrusts the syringe into Masterson's chest. He pulls out Masterson's blood and then injects it directly into his own neck.

J.R.: That's all fine and dandy, but he probably lost at least that much blood in the time it took to do it! His only consolation is Masterson being that much closer to death.

Bin Destruction realizes this fact, knows that he'll need more than this fools blood to keep him going. He returns to scanning the crowd. He has to find what he's looking for! While he's distracted, Masterson wipes the EYE SAUCE from his face and then flings it into Bin Destruction's face, blinding him!

"I like my kills to be quick and bloody. Since you fucked up the former, I'm going to have to compensate with the latter," Masterson says as he stumbles to his feet. He picks up the head of his hatchet that Bin Destruction cut off and charges. Just as Bin Destruction clears his eyes he's stabbed in the goddamn chest!

WW: Finally, that terrorist asshole gets what he deserves.

J.R.: Now wait, Warrior, it's not over yet.

Bin Destruction falls backward into the pool of blood that the ring has turned into. Masterson grabs Bin Destruction's leg and rolls him up with an elbow drop on the hatchet blade, pushing it almost entirely inside the terrorist's chest! The ref slides down next to the pin and slaps the puddle of blood. One-two-

WW: What did I tell you, J.R. That queer is D-U-N done.

In that instant, Bin Destruction, as his eyes roll back in his head, he sees what he had been looking for. A hook-nosed couple cheers on Masterson as the woman holds their child. Bin Destruction grins.

-thr- Bin Destruction kicks out!

J.R.: It looks like Bin Destruction doesn't agree!

Bin Destruction pierces Masterson's neck to get the extra blood he'll need to make the trek. As he injects himself, he kicks Masterson in the face and sprints as fast as he anemic body will allow him. As he charges through the crowd, he feels his body getting cold. But that might just be the beer that asshole rednecks are pelting him with. Then he sees the horrified faces of the Jews and he cocks back his arm. The baby is wearing a Goldman t-shirt and Bin Destruction takes pleasure in thrusting the syringe through Goldman's Jewish face.

J.R.: Bah gawd, that's just a baby! How can that monster do something like that?

WW: I thought that it was only Jews who ate babies.

Bin Destruction pulls the hatchet blade out of his chest and then injects the Jew blood directly into his heart! Instantly his wound heals and the blood leaving his body turn to flames. The Jew blood isn't pure enough to make his beard burn, but it looks to be enough to finish off Masterson!

J.R.: Because Bin Destruction is still bleeding, he won't be able to hold his Super Arab form for long, but Jack Masterson is in bad enough condition it won't matter!

WW: This is bullshit.

Bin Destruction flies back to the ring and lands on the turnbuckle. Somehow, while he was gone, Masterson got another hatchet. Masterson grins maniacally and raises the hatchet ready to strike, although his body seems to no longer be cooperating. He takes a step forward and his legs quake. Bin Destruction laughs at his pitiful opponent and puts his hands together and starts making hand signs.

J.R.: I'm not sure what Bin Destruction is doing here.

WW: He's about to get himself killed by a serial killing devil worshipper.

Finally, Bin Destruction stops with his two forefingers raised. "Secret Arab Jewtsu: Oil Geyser!"

Oil erupts from Bin Destruction's hands and coat Masterson in the thick black sludge! Masterson wipes the oil from his eyes in time to see Bin Destruction turn his back and his flaming blood to strike the oil slick.

"NOOOOOOOOAAAAGH!" MASTERSON FUCKING BURNS ALIVE!

WW: So that's how they get so much oil. And they have the fucking STONES to charge us $75 per barrel when they can get it magically for free?

RRM: I ain't no sucka and this ain't no jive, I always make my bitches drive.

Bin Destruction leaps off of the turnbuckle for an aerial 9/11, spreads his arms and collides with the burning heap that was Jack Masterson making Masterson's body FUCKING EXPLODE. A burning hand twitches on the Spanish announcer's table and the ref calls for the bell.

"And your winner by death: BIN DESTRUCTION!" Todd Lightning announces.

WW: At least that's one less piece of trash polluting the FTUW.

A man in a black ski mask runs down the ramp with a bag and throws it to Bin Destruction, who is celebrating his victory in the ring. Bin Destruction opens the bag and smiles. He pulls a head out by the hair and presents it to the crowd.

WW: Nooooooooo!

Lightning: This match is scheduled for one fall! First, coming to the ring from Atlanta, Georgia, weighing in at 125 pounds, Sella Phayne!

Phayne drives to the ring solemnly in his tripped out pick-up. His head is hug low as he caresses Macho Man’s head on his lap.

Warrior: What the hell? That queer kept Macho Man’s rotting corpse to stick his dick in or something?

JR: From what I have been told, Macho Man’s torso has completely rotted away and only his head remains. I’m afraid Sella Phayne will have to say goodbye forever soon…

Phayne climbs in the ring, still carrying Macho Man’s head in his arms. His weeps suddenly change into laughter and Macho Man’s head jerks upwards.

Macho Man: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

Warrior: What the shit?!

RRM: Pussinium? No, it don’t feel like it…

Macho Man: Long as my nose keeps going, Macho Man keeps going!

Macho Man snorts so deeply and intensely that the ground cracks open underneath him. Magma from the Earth’s core rises up and flows into his nasal passages and a muscular elbow pops out from the side of his skull! Using his tongue to launch himself into the air, Macho Man elbow drops a zombie in the crowd, causing it to split in half vertically! Sella Phayne hoots and hollers for his main man and grabs the mike.

Phayne: Sup nigs? Dis be Sella Phayne!
Dey said I gots nuthin’ to lose, but I sez I gots all to gain!
Da M-Man in mah corner, muthafucker’s insane,
Snorting all sorts o’ shit up his face drain,
His body’s gone down so he ain’t got his pants cane,
But that don’t keep all the bitches from being lain!
Hard’rok’s a sucka, I’mma lay on the pain,
So sit back fo’ Sella is gonna entertain!

The lights get dim and spotlights hit the entranceway to the ring. Bauhaus blares through the speakers and the crowd goes absolutely NUTS! The zombies begin dancing like in Thriller except that they take occasional breaks to rip off each other’s limbs and beat each other into oblivion out of sheer excitement. None other than the ruler of the New Empire of the Damned himself walks out, accompanied by his trainer Raven and his girlfriend Gigi.

Lightning: And making his way to the ring from…THE NEW EMPIRE OF THE DAMNED (crowd goes ballistic), Hard’rok!

Hard’rok climbs to his corner and begins warming up with Raven.

Raven: Just remember your training! You can do this! One match at a time!

Gigi pulls on the piercing in her eyebrow and a banner reading “Go Hard’rok!” pops out of her head.

Hard’rok: Thanks for the support, babe. Let’s do this!

Lightning: Just a reminder to both contestants. This is not a hardcore match so there will be no weapons or outside interference. Otherwise, the offender will be disqualified!

Raven is absolutely livid and begins beating the shit out of Todd Lightning with a chair.

Raven: WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF LEAGUE IS THIS?! NO WEAPONS?! THIS IS JUST LIKE HOW THEY HELD ME BACK IN WWE AND THEY’RE DOING IT TO MY STUDENT NOW! FJKFHDSAKGHAFDSKGH!!!!

Security guards usher Raven to back as he foams at the mouth.

Sella Phayne is too high to have understood what the announcer said so he brandishes his piece and fires it into the air. He turns it on Hard’rok who stands there with his hand outstretched, chanting a spell. Phayne pulls the trigger.

* click *

JR: Bah gawd! Hard’rok stopped the gun from firing with his mind!

Actually, Phayne emptied his clip firing in the air. But he does not know this and is quite frightened by what seems to be Hard’rok’s supernatural powers. Purple elephants eating his intestines scare him further.

Hard’rok grabs Sella Phayne and body slams him to the ground. He mounts the fallen rapper and begins punching him in the face. Phayne’s slight frame and lack of strength leaves him unable to defend himself from this brutal onslaught. After a minute or so, his face is swollen and blue and his arms are bruised and near useless from trying to block the attacks.

Sella Phayne low blows Hard’rok while the referee is facing the wrong way (the ref is retarded, you see) and finally breaks free. He follows up by punching Hard’rok back. These attacks somehow seem to have some effect on the Empire’s leader.

JR: The low down varmint’s got brass knucks on! Ref, do something about it!

Warrior: Sorry JR, but those aren’t knucks. Those are “bling”. And the so-called culturally sensitive elites of FTUW have deemed that it would be wrong to strip him of these illegal weapons because that would be violated his freedom of expression. Well here’s my freedom of expression: Let’s kill all the niggers and queers!

RRM: Muthafucker, I’m gonna break my cane over yo’ ass!

Warrior explodes his suit off his body by flexing and he and Rudy Ray Moore start slugging it out as JR hides and tries his best to continue commentating.

Hard’rok has his arms up against his face, taking a peek-a-boo stance to defend against the metal fists of his fiendish opponent.

Hard’rok(thinking): I get it now. Master Raven didn’t leave because he was raving. He left because he has confidence in me and knows I can beat this guy on my own. Medallion or not, I can do this. Time to show the fruits of my training!

Hard’rok grabs Sella Phayne’s arm as he begins to tire from all the punches. He shoulder throws Phayne into the ground, causing him to bounce off the mat from the impact! Hard’rok begins moving his arms in an eerie manner and breathes deeply.

Hard’rok: Art of the goth! Hell-lock!

Hard’rok puts Sella Phayne into a sleeper hold, cutting off the blood his brain. However, Sella Phayne’s brain stopped receiving blood many years ago and the effect is nil. Phayne breaks free and tries to stuff white bread down his opponent’s throat. However, Hard’rok catches his arm and breaks it with ease!

Phayne cries like a small child as he tries to stuff the bone from his compound fracture back inside of his flesh where it belongs. He doesn’t even notice that Hard’rok has set him up for the lethal finishing maneuver taught to him by Raven. The unfathomable, unstoppable DDT!!

Hard’rok pins Phayne for the 1-2-3.

Macho Man: Kiiiiiiiiid!

Another elbow sprouts from Macho Man’s head and he uses them as wings to fly over to Sella Phayne. He picks his boy up with his teeth and flies away with him. The crowd is ecstatic and they cheer their lord and master’s name so loudly that the very foundation of the stadium begins to shake. Human slaves are tied to the support beams just to keep the whole place together.

Hard’rok and Gigi totally mack it up inside the ring and he begins fucking her violently as preparations for the next match are m

Lightning: This match is scheduled for one-fall! Making his way to the ring from Richmond Hills, CA, weighing in at 175 pounds, Puff Ryder!

Puff Ryder, still high after smoking an entire weed plantation on 4/20, stumbles to the ring and collapses face down, giggling his ass off completely. He turns to smoke without even meaning it and floats off into the air somewhere. Lightning continues with the ring announcement anyways.

Lightning: And making his way to the ring from Ehrenfeld, Pennsylvania, weighing in at…well, I guess it depends on how much of his body is still attached to him at any givem time…but yeah, he’s Charles Bronson!

RRM: Where do I know that name from…?

JR: I’m pretty sure he’s your friend. You came to the arena with him and he’s the one who got you this announcing job.

RRM: Nigga what?! Anyways, I kinda like the way he looks. Lots better than that motherfucking Oreo he’s fighting!

Warrior: Charles Bronson is far and beyond my favorite FTUW athlete. And he was one of the few actors to escape the left-wing corruption of Hollywood. Truly, the world needs more men like him fighting the good fight!

JR: It truly is sad that he is technically dead.

Warrior: God, like death stops anyone in FTUW!

Bronson swaggers to the ring. A young pot aficionado leaps out of the crowd and begins berating Bronson for bring a right-wing nutjob and to “step off”. Bronson uppercuts the deadhead into the highest seating section where he is then dismembered by the zombie crowd and the parts are tossed around like beach balls.

Bronson climbs in the ring and sees that Puff Ryder is nowhere to be found. Ryder reforms and is still quite disoriented. Bronson takes advantage of his inebriated condition to beat him to the ground and stomp a mudhole in him.

RRM: Heh heh heh, how about that? That white boy’s got some rhythm!

Some random black girls begin laughing wildly at Moore’s comment and he smokes a huge blunt to celebrate. Bronson twists his head around and fixes his eyes directly on Moore. He storms over and knocks the blunt right out his mouth.

Bronson: Dammit Rudy, we’ve got a job to do! What do you think the president would think if he knew you were smoking narcotics?

RRM: Ease up, cracker! You’ve been riding my ass for fifty years. Wait, fifty years? The fuck?

Puff Ryder jumps off of the top rope and attempts to drill Charles Bronson with a missile dropkick. Bronson notices in time and ducks under the attack. Unfortunately, Rudy Ray Moore takes the kick in his place. The pissed off zombie gets up and starts beating the shit out of Ryder with his pimp cane.

RRM: Little brotha, you picked the wrong nigga to pick a fight with!

The ref pulls Puff Ryder away and tosses him back in the ring. Bronson isn’t disqualified since Moore was just retaliating.

Puff Ryder tries to stand up but he is wounded and disoriented. Noticing his confused state, Bronson takes his hands and slams them into Ryder’s skull like cymbals. He does this two more times before holding his hands there and squeezes his head.

JR: Bah gawd! It’s Murphy’s Law!

Bronson grimaces, his face twisted with aggression and a sense of sadistic joy from inflicting this pain. Puff Ryder begins to bleed out of his eye sockets and finally, realizing he can’t take anymore, taps out.

JR: Gosh, that was quick!

Lightning: Here is your winner by submission, Charles Bron…

Bronson takes his handcannon and is about to blow Puff Ryder’s head off. The ref steps in the way and warns Bronson to back off. He fires anyways and Ryder moves enough to catch the bullet in the shoulder instead of the head, splattering blood all over the ring.

Warrior: Geh heh heh!

JR: What in the world was that for?!

The referee drops on his ass out of shock and fear. Bronson blows the smoke off the barrel of his gun and calmly walks over to finish off Ryder. However, James Brock McHarris charges down to the ring and starts wailing on Bronson. McHarris is shirtless and is in the process of eating an uncooked steak, but this does not deter him from handing an ass kicking at the same time! He high-tails it through the crowd as Andre the Giant comes out from the back to support his friend and Rudy Ray Moore also jumps in the ring to lend a hand.

Bronson weakly lifts his head, an eye drooping out of it’s socket and his head twisted around 180 degrees.

Bronson: One day James…

Todd Lightning: The following match is scheduled for ONE FALL! Coming to the ring first, hailing from Green River, Wyoming! Weighing in tonight at 190 lbs and standing at 6 feet and one inch, LEEEEX DANGERSEEEEEEEKER!

*Lex Dangerseeker enters the arena with Marcus Vaun following close behind. Marcus carries an old army hip bag to the ring, holding the aged flap over the opening. Lex steps through the ropes and raises his arms to the crowd. There is a slight pop, and Lex moves to his corner.*

Todd Lightning: Introducing next, coming to the ring tonight at TWO HUNDRED AND TWENTY-FIVE POUNDS, accompanied to the ring by The Giant Baba, THE BURNING FIGHTING SPIRIT! ANTONIO… INOOOOOOOOOKI!

*Inoki appears at the ramp on a hovering disc. He wears a classic red silk boxing robe and carries two dozen roses. The disc hovers toward the ring and Shohei Baba, Bizarro Selena, and Daniel Mented follow. The disc floats higher into the air and goes over the ring ropes, stopping inches above the ground. Inoki steps down and throws the roses into the air. Colored streamers fly over the ring, gracefully covering the ropes. He unties his silk belt and opens his robe. The crowd cheers and a woman in the front row passes out.

The referee has the men meet in the middle of the ring and shake hands. The crowd cheers louder at the sign of good sportsmanship.*

JR: Well folks, that's something you don't see in the FTUW everyday! A sign of good faith on both parts!

WW: No kidding JR. What are they, fairies?

JR: I don't think so. Both men are accomplished in-ring competitors. Unfortunately for Lex Dangerseeker, Antonio Inoki is now an unholy combination of man and machine built to win!

WW: Unholy is right! Those fuckers need Jesus!

*The bell rings and the two combatants begin circling the ring. Inoki makes the first move, going for a lockup, but Lex goes under his arms and grapples Inoki from behind. Lex lifts Inoki off his feet and drops him to his face. Lex spins around, locking Inoki up in a front face lock. Inoki grabs Lex's wrist and spins out into a hammer lock. Inoki makes his way to his knees and lays Lex's arm out flat on the mat. Inoki does a handstand and drops his knee right into Lex's elbow. Lex lets out a yell and tries to shimmy away, but Inoki cuts him off with a stomp to the back of the head.*

JR: Some classic mat wrestling skill shown by these two men. You have to be fast to keep up with Inoki's style, Warrior!

RRM: Dangerseeker ain't that fast. If he ain't careful, Inoki'll blow him back to the past!

WW: Shut up!

*Lex grabs his neck and rolls under the ropes. Marcus jogs over and reaches into his army bag. He hands something small to Lex before scurrying away as Giant Baba comes around the ring post. Lex slides back into the ring, but is cut off by Inoki. Inoki lands a stomp to the kidney, and raises his foot for another. The object in Lex's hand lets off a glow and Lex moves with the speed of a jackrabbit! He's standing five feet away from Inoki by the time the second stomp lands on the mat!*

WW: What the fuck kind of witchcraft bullshit was that?

JR: Lex Dangerseeker sped right out of there! I haven't seen anyone move that fast in ages!

*Inoki turns to Lex and grunts. He folds his arms across his chest and steps into the center of the ring.*

Inoki: Whatever dark magic you use against me, I will unleash upon you ten times over in HORRIBLE PAIN!

Lex: We'll see, nip. I got power now.

*Lex opens his hand to reveal a GOLDEN RABBIT'S FOOT. It shines unnaturally every time he moves.*

Lex: The Foot of Kalulu. You can't trick me when my reflexes are increased a hundred fold!

*Lex charges at Inoki, knocking him to the back with a Lou Thez Press, and sending punch after punch into Inoki's face. Lex's hands move at incredible speeds, sometimes blurring out of focus.*

Inoki: You… don't understand, do you?

*Inoki puts his hands on Lex's chest and HURLS HIM INTO THE AIR, Lex landing hard on his back. Inoki stands up, wiping the blood from his lip with the back of his fist.*

Inoki: The computer systems in my brain give me an advantage! I can see your every move!

*Lex gets up fast and charges again. This time, Inoki shifts slightly to one side, clotheslining the fuck out of Lex. Lex does two full flips and lands on his face. Blood leaks from his lips and nose, and he coughs. Inoki walks over and picks Lex up by the back of his shirt. Inoki reaches out and grabs Lex's hand. He squeezes his hand tightly, crushing the Foot of Kalulu inside Lex's hand! Lex cries out, blood leaking from his palm!*

Inoki: I am The Burning Fighting Spirit, and I cannot fail!

*Inoki twists Lex's wrist to the breaking point! Suddenly, a dozen men in bizarre robes rush out of the crowd! They are all carrying odd rifles, and one shoots Selena in the fucking face! Her brains explode all over Daniel, and he reaches into his jacket to retrieve his pistol. Another shot catches Daniel in the shoulder, causing him to fall onto his back. He scurries away, into the crowd.

Inoki's focus is instantly turned to ringside, where the Robed Men are shooting security guards and random indy wrestlers who are rushing to the ring. A bullet hits into in the left leg and his weight shifts to his right. Lex, seeing a chance, ROLLS INOKI UP! The ref drops for the pin!

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!

Marcus Vaun grabs Lex by the ankle and pulls him from the ring. He has the Pure Rock in one hand and is zapping Robed Men with it! They are turned to ash on contact with the Pure Rock's perfect beam! In the ring, Inoki is back to his feet has begun clobbering Robed Men! Giant Baba jumps into the ring to join the battle.*

Marcus Vaun: It's D'Loists, Lex! We gotta scram!

Lex: NO! We have to help take these guys out! They can't cause trouble when they're dead!

Marcus Vaun: No Lex! Come back!

*Lex slides back into the ring and begins fighting off the Cultists. There are too many to fend off, and Lex is being overrun! A D'Loist aims at Lex's head and fires! Lex ducks and the bullet goes speeding past, right at the face of the ANTONIO INOKI!

Giant Baba sees this, and using his superhuman speed, dives into the path of the bullet! The bullet enters Baba's head, directly between his eyes, and explodes the back of his cyborg skull. Inoki freezes at the site of his Brother dying before his eyes… Again…

Inoki cries out as Marcus Vaun and Lex Dangerseeker retreat into the locker room area. The D'Loists fire at them as they give chase, leaving Inoki sobbing on his knees in the center of the ring…*

JR: Holy shit.

In a mysterious apartment lies five people, unconscious, on the wooden floor. Elsewhere, in another apartment, lies another five in the similar situation. Suddenly, they all awake from their sleep.

“Whaaat the fuucck?” says GAY MCFAGGY, a young homosexual as he rubs his fingers through his frosted hair, “Where am I?”

“I remember seeing black figures … then I was knocked out,” Retarded Teacher, “What’s going on?”

“Shit! Fuck!” Angry Negro yells as he tries the door, “We’re stuck in this bitch!”

“Something is going on …” Hero Student mutters to himself, “Something … bizarre.”

Also, there is a naked chick lying on the ground with huge tits.

SUDDENLY, a television screen lowers from the ceiling. James Brock McHarris appears on the screen with a wide smile on his face.

“Welcome, my little warriors! You have received the honor of participating in actual, live FTUW event!” he says.

“The fuck?” Angry Negro curses.

“This guy … the FTUW! What the hell?” Retarded Teacher mutters.

Hero Student looks very serious. Angry Negro is fondling Naked Chick.

“You will go out and defeat this guy,” McHarris says as the screen transforms. McHarris’ visage is replaced with that of crudely drawn picture of Krystol. “The first to pin him will be the victor.”

Name: Krystol
Likes: Jewels, Cocks, Krystol
Quote: “Hoo hoo hoo!”

Elsewhere, in the other room with the other five stereotypes, a screen shows a crudely drawn Theldorrin.

Name: Theldorrin
Likes: Machines.
Quote: “Faggot.”

“What the fuck is this shit?” Angry Negro spouts as he inserts his dick into Naked Chick.

“Ehhh! I don’t like fighting!” Gay McFaggy whimpers.

“H-Hey!” Hero Student shouts at the Angry Negro raping Naked Chick. Angry Negro looks up at HERO STUDENT with Naked Chick hanging off his dick.

“What the fuck, bitch?” Angry Negro curses. Hero Student begins to sweat.

“L-Let her go!” Hero Student clenches his fist. Angry Negro knocks him the fuck out.

“Anyway,” McHarris continues from the video feed, “Here’s some weapons. The doors will unlock now.”

A weapons locker drops from the ceiling. What is there is an ASSAULT RIFLE, A PISTOL, a KATANA, a BASEBALL BAT, and a CHAINSAW.

Angry Negro takes the rifle, the pistol, and the katana. He then starts swinging it around while everyone else is uncomfortable.

“Yeaaaaah motherfucker!” Angry Negro slashes with his katana while holding the pistol in his other hand, “All you niggas gonna follow me! We gonna whip that faggot’s ass! KA-BLAOW!”

SUDDENLY, THELDORRIN APPEARS from some SHADOWY CORNER OF THE ROOM, cape flowing.

“Who the fuck are you?!” asks ANGRY NEGRO. The entire group looks on in fear.

“I-It’s Theldorrin! From the FTUW!!” Retarded Teacher shouts.

“I’m the leader. Everyone will do as I say,” Theldorrin says in a METALLIC TONE.

“Fuck that!” ANGRY NEGRO raises his RIFLE and UNLEASHES A STORM OF BULLETS. The bullets mostly ricochet off Theldorrin harmlessly. In response, THELDORRIN raises his fingers and FIRES A MOBIUS BAND. Angry Negro’s body compacts into his torso before eventually just exploded. Naked Chick starts screaming while everyone else just stares.

“T-This can’t be happening! It’s a game! It’s just a game!” the Retarded Teacher shouts. Theldorrin kicks the weapons to the other members of the team.

“Follow me.”

Elsewhere, walking out of the OPPOSITE APARTMENT is KRYSTOL, only wearing a SILKEN THONG, with a group of people behind them. They are: Karate Champ, Lazy Mexican, Asian Guy, Italian Gangster. They are wielding similar weapons. Behind them is an JEWEL-RIDDLED CORPSE of some asshole.

“W-What’s going to happen to us?” Asian Guy cries while holding a gun.

The group walks down a long, dark, and empty street. Krystol notices the street signs have been replaced by arrows pointing in the same direction. Krystol and his four finally reach a large, steel wall. On the wall is a bizarre contraption with several tubes and a large bucket. A sign on the wall reads “Fill this bucket up with a gallon of liquid.”

“Maaan, where are we going to get a gallon?” Lazy Mexican says. Krystol immediately PUNCHES HIS FUCKING HEAD OFF WITH HIS DIAMOND KNUCKLES. Krystol grabs his body and SQUEEZES THE TORSO to DRAIN THE BLOOD FROM HIS BODY. The group watches in horror as Krystol completes the first task set in front of him. The wall open and Krystol nonchalantly continues his journey.

BACK AT THE OTHER GROUP, Theldorrin is WRESTLING GRIZZLY BEARS. In the background, Gay McFaggy is getting mauled by a bear. The BEAR sinks its mighty jaws into GAY, blood spraying from the wound. GAY MCFAGGY screams in horror as he dies. Shit and a dildo fly out of his ass (he’s gay).

Naked Chick is crying. Retarded Teacher is covered in blood and looking stupid. Hero Student looks down at Gay McFaggy and clenches his fist.

”I couldn’t do … anything!” Hero Student cries, “I couldn’t …”

Theldorrin powerbombs a GRIZZLY BEAR and puts the other one in a TORTURE RACK. He wipes the massive amounts of bear blood from his armor and says “Let’s continue.”

BACK AT KRYSTOL’S TEAM, Italian Gangster walks under an arch slowly, looking around cautiously. He turns back to KRYSTOL, SWEATING, who only responds with a “SHOO” gesture with his hand. Italian Gangster takes a STEP and a TILE ON THE FLOOR SINKS IN. SUDDENLY, BUZZSAWS SHOOT OUT FROM THE ARCH WALL and REDUCE ITALIAN GANGSTER to shreds. Krystol nods approvingly.

“It’s definitely booby-trapped,” he says. Krystol picks up Karate Champ and Asian Guy and hurls through through the arc. Krystol leaps effortlessly over the PILE OF MEAT CHUNKS that covers the ground and walls.

SWITCHING BACK TO THELDORRIN’S TEAM, Naked Chick is placed in a cage that is being DRAGGED BY THELDORRIN. SHE IS SCREAMING HER HEAD off and crying hysterically while HERO STUDENT LOOKS TIMID.

“You can’t do that!” Hero Student shouts, “She’s a human being!”

“Hm,” Theldorrin replies, still dragging the cage.

“P-Please!” Hero Student cries, “Don’t play into this game! We can all get out of here alive!”

“Mm,” Theldorrin says as he pushes the cage onto a PLATFORM. THE PLATFORM, placed in front of a gate, sinks into the ground. A MONITOR PLACED ON THE STREET CORNER says “WEIGHT TOO LOW.”

“T-Thank God …” Hero Student cries. Theldorrin rips off his arm and throws it on top of the cage. HERO STUDENT FALLS ON THE GROUND, bleeding, while A GIGANTIC HAMMER crashes down on the cage and KILLS NAKED CHICK. The final door opens.

THE CAMERA CUTS BACK TO KRYSTOL MAKING OUT WITH THE ASIAN GUY. The ASIAN GUY frantically attempts to push him away and EVENTUALLY MANAGES TO SUCCEED. The Asian Guy falls on the ground and his stomach begins to GLOW. Using the BIRTHSTONE TECHNIQUE, a giant gem explodes out of ASIAN GUY’S STOMACH and is quickly snatched up by Krystol. He turns to a platform with an orb on it. Comparing the sizes, Krystol replaces the orb with his newly formed birthstone. He takes the orb and places in an INDENTATION on the wall. The final door opens.

As the final door raises, KRYSTOL hears a BLOOD-CURDLING SCREAM. The door raises above his EYE LEVEL and he sees HERO STUDENT FLYING AT HIM LIKE A TORPEDO. KRYSTOL RAISES HIS FIST IN FRONT OF HIM AND THE HUMAN TORPEDO EXPLODES ON HIS FUCKING FIST IN A SHOWER OF BLOOD AND BONES. Karate Champ stands there, nervous. Theldorrin is in the background, smiling.

“Hello!” Theldorrin waves. Krystol laughs and taps Karate Champ on the shoulder, pointing him to Theldorrin. Karate Champ swallows hard and approaches the massive mechanical monstrosity. Karate Champ takes a WIDE STANCE AND HURLS a ROUNDHOUSE KICK to THELDORRIN’S HEAD! Karate Champ’s leg breaks on Theldorrin’s face. Theldorrin responds by uppercutting his damn head off.

“Such an ugly style … it pains my eyes to watch it,” Krystol flips his shimmering hair. Theldorrin activates his sprinkler system to wash the blood from his body.

KRYSTOL SLAPS HIS HANDS TOGETHER, FIRING OFF A SERIES OF JEWELS. THE JEWELS APPROACH THELDORRIN but he merely FLICKS ONE, CAUSING IT TO BOUNCE AND RICOCHET INTO ANOTHER, CAUSING IT TO BOUNCE AND RICOCHET OFF ANOTHER AND SO ON. The area around THELDORRIN is RIDDLED WITH CRACKS but he is harmless. KRYSTOL starts LAUGHING FAGGILY.

“Hoo hoo hoo!” Krystol laughs. HE CHARGES FORWARD, WHIPPING OUT a BROADSWORD that one of his teammates had. HE SWINGS IT AT THELDORRIN, SLASHING AT HIS ARMOR. Theldorrin GRABS THE CHAINSAW and THEY CLASH BLADES. They strike each other with their respective weapons but they immediately break on their CHISELED ARMORS.

THELDORRIN SLAMS A ROCKATRICITY POWERED FIST into KRYSTOL’s BODY! The ROCKATRICITY resonates with KRYSTOL’S GEMS AND BLASTS HIM, sending him CRASHING TO THE GROUND.

“Tch!” Krystol SPITS (a jewel). KRYSTOL charges forward and HURLS SUPER SPEEDY PUNCHES. HIS DIAMOND KNUCKLES CAUSED HUNDREDS OF DENTS IN THELDORRIN’S INCREDIBLE ARMOR, causing him TO BLEED INTERNALLY. Theldorrin ROUNDHOUSE KICKS HIM IN THE FUCKING FACE, knocking him BACKWARDS.

“MOBIUS BAND!” Theldorrin SHOUTS. THE ENERGY COLLECTS IN HIS SHOULDER, causing his JEWELED ARM TO EXPLODE IN GOLD DUST AND BLOOD. Krystol falls to a KNEE AND SLAMS HIS PALM INTO THE GROUND. SUDDENLY, DIAMONDS FIRE FROM BELOW THELDORRIN’S FEET, PIERCING HIS ARMOR! Theldorrin CRASHES INTO A NEARBY WALL, nearly devastating it.

Krystol LEAPS ONTO THELDORRIN’S BACK and WRAPS HIS FAGGY LEGS AROUND THELDORRIN’S HEAD. KRYSTOL LEANS BACK AND RUBS HIS RUBY NIPPLES, GRABBING ONTO THELDORRIN’S ARMS! IT’S KRYSTOL METH!

THELDORRIN BEGINS CHOKING UP BLOOD AS KRYSTOL TIGHTENS HIS BEJEWELED LEGS AROUND HIS THELDORRIN’S THROAT.

“IT’S OVAH!” Krystol MOANS IN PLEASURE! INTERLOCKING FINGERS WITH THELDORRIN, DIAMONDS BEGIN SURFACING FROM KRYSTOL’S CRYSTALIZED SKIN. LIKE AN ARMY OF ANTS, THE DIAMONDS TRAVEL FROM HIS HAND ONTO THELDORRIN’S BODY. THE JEWELS MAKE THEIR WAY INTO KRYSTOL’S THROAT, NOSE, AND EVENTUALLY ALL OVER HIS ENTIRE HEAD. Krystol BUCKS UP AND DOWN LIKE A HUGE FAT, EXCRETING TINY DIAMONDS until THELDORRIN’S BODY IS COMPLETELY COVERED!

Krystol rises up Theldorrin’s CHASSIS, still rubbing himself sensually. He kicks over the JEWEL-COVERED THELDORRIN and GOES FOR THE PIN. A monitor placed above the GIGANTIC STEEL DOOR that serves as the final’s arena exit EMANATES A PRE-RECORDED VOICE.

OOOOOONNNEEE!



TWOOOOOOOOOO!



THR-!

Krystol turns his head to the monitor to see it has stopped. Yet he looks back at Theldorrin and sees his shoulders are clearly pinned down. Krystol stands up slowly, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. Krystol places his HAND ON THELDORRIN’S BACK and SUCKS UP THE DIAMONDS BACK INTO HIS SKIN. As the diamonds clear from Theldorrin, it was REVEALED that it’s actually the dead body of RETARDED TEACHER. Krystol goes “!!” while a HUGE SHADOW COVERS HIM.

KRYSTOL LOOKS UP TO SEE ONE OF THE GIANT STEEL DOORS BEING CARRIED BY THELDORRIN! IT COMES CRASHING DOWN ON KRYSTOL, PINNING HIM AGAINST THE GROUND! Krystol RETALIATES BY THROWING A FLURRY OF DIAMOND PUNCHES, DEFORMING THE METAL BEING PRESSED ONTO HIM! KRYSTOL BREAKS THROUGH THE STEEL JUST IN TIME TO SEE THELDORRIN AIMING THE MOBIUS BAND!

“MOBIUS BAND!” Theldorrin shouts. THE MOBIUS BAND CONNECTS WITH KRYSTOL’S CHEST, WARPING THE SHREDS OF METAL INTO KRYSTOL’S CHEST. Theldorrin lands on Krystol’s chest and PULLS HIS LEG. The automated voice begins.

OOOOONNNNNEEE!


TWOOOOOOOOOO!


THREEEEEEEEEEE!

THELDORRIN WINS! The final door opens up and allows Theldorrin to leave. Yeah!

[Yogurtman]

Backstage at the New Empire of the Damned’s Murdertorium, the Ant King’s longtime manager and friend Piccolo peaks into his wrestler’s locker room. Ant King is surrounded by a pile of bitches, all fucked senseless by Ant King’s tremendous exoskeletal wang. On the couch, ANT KING is plowing the shit of one girl, nearly breaking her bones with his TEN TIMES HIS OWN BODY WEIGHT-ESQUE strength!

“YAAAAAAA MOTHER BITCHESS!!!!” he belts out in a low, blackish tone, “EAT MY MEGA GRAVY YOU SLUT ASS BISCUIT!!” Ant King sprays her down and slides her off the couch into the other comatose whores. Ant King stands up and slams circular hand into the wall, nearly knocking the fucking thing down.

“B-BOSS!!” Piccolo shouts, “Calm down, sir!”

“I ain’t fucking CALMING DOWN YOU SUM MA NA BITCH!! I CAN’T!! THAT GUAN FEI! I’m too EXCITED!!”

“It’ll be OVER SOON! Your match is coming up and you can take the Non-American title and make it yours!”

“GOT HAM MOTHERFUCKER! I’ll pay him back for throwing me off that SCAFFOLDING!!! I’m going to TEAR OUT HIS RECTAL MUSCLES AND SHIT UP HIS FUCKING ASS UNTIL HE STARTS SCREAMING MY OWN SHIT ALL OVER HIMSELF!!!”

“Sir!!”

MEANWHILE, in the farthest possible locker room away from Ant King, Guan Fei stands with his men, stroking his thick, raven beard. The room is silent in ANTICIPATION FOR GUAN FEI’S MYSTICAL WORDS.

“My men, although you have served me for many, many years this is one battle I will ride alone,” Guan Fei spoke. His soldiers gasped in unison.

“But my Lord! This Ant King fights with no honor! Who knows what tricks he’ll pull!” Wang Chung said, fanning himself faster to cool his flushed skin from such a reckless announcement.

“The Ant King is a strong foe and I respect him. This is a match that will be fought with honor and I expect nothing else. If Ant King is preparing an ambush, let it be, as the gods have decreed that the line of Guan shall end here.”

“I can’t allow this, Guan Fei!” Zhao Li stood forth, his long locks sparkling handsomely, “The ant is no creature of individuality. The Ant King and his men will no doubt swarm you and return you to their insidious nest, his underlings tearing out each lustrous strand of your magnificient beard one by one until you die from shame!”

“If this is so, this is so. It will be much better for my men to no longer be lead by such a fool to walk into an ambush,” Guan Fei said. A mighty wind came in and rustled his silken robes, the fabric flowing bravely. His men begin to weep softly at this act of selflessness. “Now, I must go. The Ant King is the final step in my path towards the FTUW Championship!”

J.R.: And now folks, this is one the match that everyone has been waiting for! A grudge match the likes this federation HAS NEVER SEEN BEFORE! ANT KING VS. GUAN FEI!

W.W.: That’s right, J.R.! Usually such excitement is reserved for matches involving the FTUW Championship. However, despite its inferiority, the Non-American title is bringing us a bout that is sure to go down in the annals of FTUW history! All-American hero and insect monster ANT KING will be finally taking that belt from that DIRTY COMMUNIST CHINKFACE, GUAN FEI. Upon his victory, Ant King promises to deface the title and transform it into the AMERICAN CHAMPIONSHIP! I can’t wait, J.R.!

J.R.: I don’t understand this, why do you like Ant King so much? He’s from Russia!

W.W.: But he embraces the American spirit, J.R.! He never gives up, he never says quit! Like with the Iraq war, I’m sure Guan Fei would love it if we PULLED OUT and looked like a bunch of pussies. That’s what those goddamned-America-hating-children-exploding-Bible-shitting-all-over-sand-demons are saying, J.R.! PUSSY! The first man to call me a pussy was the fucking last. I dug out his skull and turned it into a bedpan for all the other people I accidentally paralyzed while whipping his ass.

J.R.: Your thoughts, Moore?

R.R.: Guan Fei is a tough muthafucka’, this I can see! But the Ant King’s a mutha who fights for liberty! “Ching chong, ding dong,” Guan Fei will say, spittin’ his trash! Ant King will come up and pull fried rice out his fuckin’ ass!

J.R.: Well articulated, Moore! Now, before this match will begin, we have a video to show you.

Click for a promotional video.


W.W.: Exciting, J.R.!

J.R.: Let’s go to the ring where Todd Lightning will explain the rules for this upcoming match!

Lightning: Ladies and gentleman, this next bout is for the NON-AMERICAN CHAMPIONSHIP!

The crowd cheers and boos the word “Non” before America. The zombies groan and shuffle around in their seats, trying to reach through the gates protecting the humans.

Lightning: The bout is an IWO JIMA MEMORIAL MATCH! Both fighters will take their respective flags and fight to the top of FUCK HILL, a man-made mound filled with traps and other violent devices! Wrestling rings act as stepping stones for the two fighters to duke it out while trudging up the hill!

A spotlight hits the huge hill in the corner of the arena. It is surrounded by turrets and barbed wire and wrestling rings.

Lightning: COMING TO THE RING FIRST, hailing from CHERYNOBYL, RUSSIA and weighing in at over 180 pouuundsss … THE AAAAANT KING!!

Viscerape is lowered from the ceiling by STRINGS OF BARBED WIRE on a platform made out of zombie corpses, gagged and bound to be harmless. Leitch steps up front in MEDIEVAL ARMOR fashioned with EXTRA SPIKES, playing a guitar that is also an axe and also a broadsword. He begins singing the first VERSE OF “REAL AMERICAN,” the perennial song of patriotism, RENDERED IN AN EXTRA BADASS METAL VERSION.

“I AM A REAL AMERICAAAAAAN!!” Leitch GROANS. The huge black guy from MAD BULL starts blasting away on his BASS GUITAR as a de-toothed zombie chicks gums his cock. Emperor Fuck, with his flaming head, bangs away with femurs on the drums.

ANT KING BURSTS FROM THE FUCKING ENTRANCE, AK-47 IN ONE HAND, AMERICAN FLAG WAVING BRAVELY IN THE OTHER! Ant King takes his RIFLE and begins BLASTING AWAY IN THE AIR as he’s being PROPELLED BY A RED, WHITE, AND BLUE ROCKET BIKE! DOZENS AND DOZENS OF BALD EAGLES ARE TIED TO THE BIKE WITH ROPES, ESSENTIALLY FLYING HIM TO THE BASE OF FUCK HILL. HE FUCKING BLASTS THE EAGLES WITH BURSTS OF GUNFIRE, killing the birds and SENDING HIS MOTORCYCLE CRASHING INTO THE RING! He LEAVES TIRE TRACKS ON THE MAT before HOPPING OFF THE FREEDOM CYCLE and then LIFTING IT UP, using it as A MOCK GUITAR so he can ROCK OUT to his own ENTRANCE THEME!

W.W.: What an entrance! Befitting of a true American hero! Ant King will go down in the annals of American patriots, right up there with that guy who said “Let’s roll.”

Lightning: AND HIS OPPONENT, from SHANGHAI, CHINA and weighing in at 301 pouuuunds … THE NON-AMERICAN CHAMPION, GUAAAAN FEEEEEEEI!!

VISCERAPE BEGINS BLASTING GUAN FEI’S NEW ENTRANCE THEME, that song TRIPLE H used while dressed as a BARBARIAN! LEITCH SCREAMS “BOW DOWN TO THE … BOW DOWN TO THE KING!!” and then fucking ROCKS OUT on his AXE-SWORD-GUITAR! As the guitar squeals, MECHA-AFRICAN-DREAM leaps onto the stage as GUAN FEI CARRIES a FLAG COMPOSED of all the flags that aren’t the American flag (with China’s flag slightly bigger than the rest) but it just looks like a bunch of colored squares. The zombies notice the N.E.D. flag represented on Guan Fei’s MEGA-FLAG and groan approvingly. THE AMERICAN FANS EITHER BOO OR CHEER, with VIOLENT FIST FIGHTS breaking out all over the arena during GUAN FEI’S HONORABLE STRIDE TO THE RING. Ant King stands in the ring, wielding his AK-47, staring INTENTLY at GUAN FEI while the referee shits his pants. WITH A MAGNIFICIENT FLOURISH, GUAN FEI slams RIDE THE TIGER into the CONCRETE and uses it to CATAPAULT HIMSELF INTO THE RING! Both men stand their WIELDING WEAPONS and THEIR RESPECTIVE FLAGS.

J.R.: HERE THEY ARE! FTUW’S TWO UP AND COMING RIVALS! Guan Fei has proven himself a great champion with a flawless record while The Ant King has not only gained respect from the throng of FTUW fans but FEAR from his opponents! I didn’t think Guan Fei would ever lose the title but if there is one HALF-MAN, HALF-ANT THAT CAN DO IT, it’s the Ant King!

Without wasting any fucking time, THE REFEREE SOUNDS THE BELL AND DIVES TO AVOID THE CATACLYSMIC DESTRUCTION that is about take place. GUAN FEI’S RIDE THE TIGER MOVES LIKE A WHIP and begins SLAMMING AT HIGH SPEEDS as ANT KING DEFLECTS WITH THE STOCK OF HIS RIFLE. The referee is SEVERED IN HALF IN MID-AIR as he FUTILELY tried to escape from the ring at the base of FUCK HILL.

J.R.: GUAN FEI IS WASTING NO TIME HERE, FOLKS! I don’t know if Ant King can keep defending!

The Ant King DEFLECTS the spear and FIRES OFF A SINGLE BULLET at GUAN FEI in the brief intermission between attacks! The bullet slashes Guan Fei’s SHOULDER, causing his SPEAR to MISS and IMBED ITSELF INTO THE MAT! The Ant King UNLOADS at Guan Fei, screaming “EAT THIS GOOD SHIT!!” Guan Fei rolls out of the way, the bullets tearing through the TIME KEEPER’S SKULL. Guan Fei leaps onto the TURNBUCKLE and RUNS ALONG THE ROPES AS THE ANT KING KEEPS FIRING! Ant KING TAKES AIM and SNAPS THE ROPE with a well-placed bullet. Guan Fei responds by LEAPING STRAIGHT UP IN DESPERATION! ANT KING TAKES AIM WITH HIS AK-47 AND FIRES! GUAN FEI CAN’T DODGE IN MID-AIR!

W.W.: THE TABLES HAVE TURNED! PERFORATE THAT SOULLESS CHINK!

Guan FEI slaps his FUCKING HANDS TOGETHER and HUMS. THE BULLETS STRIKE HIM but BOUNCE HARMLESSLY OFF HIS MAGNIFICIENT BEARD! Guan Fei focused his LIFE ENERGY into each and every BLACK STRAND, turning it into a SHIELD! Guan Fei grabs the ends of his BEARD and FLIPS OVER, USING THE AIR RISING UP UNDER HIS LEGENDARY FACIAL HAIR to ACT AS A PARACHUTE! He flips and lands behind ANT KING, GRABBING HIS SPEAR FROM THE GROUND! HE SWINGS IT LIKE A BASEBALL BAT, CLOCKING ANT KING! However, ANT KING used his AK-47 to BLOCK AT THE LAST MOMENT, DESTROYING IT and SENDING HIM FLYING INTO A FUCKING TURNBUCKLE! He crashes through it, OBLITERATING THE RING AND SENDING HIM INTO THE SIDE OF THE HILL!

J.R.: Guan Fei has already destroyed the ring! If it wasn’t for Ant King’s exoskeleton, he may be dead!

Guan Fei fucking yanks the Non-American flag out of the turnbuckle he stuck it and ties it to his back. Piccolo grabs the AMERICAN FLAG and tosses it to ANT KING. “Catch it, boss!” and ANT KING FUCKING LEAPS and snatches it, screaming “OHHHHHH YAAAAAHHHH!!!” The crowd erupts.

Meanwhile, Guan Fei undoes a sash on his robe and ties it to Ride the Tiger. Looking up at the mammoth peak set before him, he pulls back RIDE THE TIGER AND HURLS IT AT THE TOP OF THE HILL LIKE A JAVELIN! STILL HOLDING ON TO THE SASH, Guan Fei is SENT AIRBORNE, intent on RIDING RIDE THE TIGER to VICTORY!

“BOSS!! LOOK!!” Piccolo screams!

W.W.: That son of a bitch is going to skip the whole hill!

J.R.: It isn’t against the rules but I don’t think anyone expected that!

ANT KING spies the FLYING CHINK and fucking bites the ropes of the second ring. HE WHIPS the rope at GUAN FEI, LASSOING IT AROUND HIS LEG! Ant King uses his KAIOKEN-LIKE strength to WHIP HIM DOWNWARDS! Guan Fei pulls an OWEN HART and SLAMS HIS FACE on the TURNBUCKLES and hits the match. ANT KING WAVES HIS FLAG PROUDLY WHILE THE HUMAN FANS START SCREAMING WITH UNBRIDLED NATIONALISM.

W.W.: Excellent work! ANT KING SHOWED HIM THERE’S NO RUNNING AWAY FROM AMERICANS.

Guan Fei looks to his spear imbedded in the mound of door, released from his grasp during the slamming into the ring. He turns to the ANT KING who is CRACKING HIS KNUCKLES.

“You’re gonna PAY FOR WHAT YOU DID YOU SUM BITCH!!” Ant King shouts.

“King of ants, I do not know your meaning but as the Minister of Beards, I am more than willing to STRIKE YOU DOWN to declare myself victor!” Guan Fei takes a KUNG FU POSE.

“HUANG DONG CHING DING STYLE?! BITCH, HERE’S FUCKING JET LI EAGLE FIST STYLE YOU THUNDER PUSSY!!!”

“SO BE IT!” Guan Fei screams AS FUCKING VISCERAPE STARTS PLAYING BADASS METAL. Guan Fei and Ant King face off, EXECUTING VARIOUS PUNCHES AND KICKS THAT THEY BLOCK WITH STUNNING ACCURACY! Ant King dodges a GUAN FEI PUNCH and HURLS HIS OPPONENT into the ROPES. UPON REBOUND, ANT KING CLOTHESLINES HIM OFF HIS FUCKING FEET! Blood is spilled again from FEI’S BODY as his nose is IMPACTED from the blow. Fei leaps to his feet and starts DOING SHAOLIN-ESQUE MOVES! Using SMOOTH MOVEMENTS, he slams his palms into ANT KING’S ROCK-HARD CHEST. Shortly after, HE SPITS UP BLOOD!

“FUUCCK!!!” Ant King spits up HIS NUCLEAR-POWERED BLOOD. Guan Fei flips his beard threateningly.

“I knew my strikes, ALTHOUGH STRONG AND TRUE, could not penetrate your mountainous skin. Thus, I struck BEYOND YOUR FLESH and deep into your SOUL!!”

J.R.: Guan Fei seems to have found a weak point in Ant King’s impeccable armor!

Guan Fei begins EXECUTING more SOFT BLOWS that Ant King attempts to shrug off but can’t! More blood SURFACES to the INSECT LORD’S MOUTH, DRIPPING FROM HIS MANDIBLE. The Ant King backs up and HITS THE BUCKLE, NO PLACE TO TURN! GUAN FEI PULLS BACK HIS FIST, SWIRLING MYSTERIOUS ORIENTAL ENERGIES around his PALM, and strikes forward! The ANT KING LEAPS UPWARD AND DODGES THE BLOW, Fei’s FIST ONLY STRIKING TURNBUCKLES! Fei turns and see Ant King landing behind him, trying to compose himself.

“Your speed is admirable but-“ Fei begins to speak until he hears an odd noise. Slowly, he takes his eyes off his opponent and faces the turnbuckle he just struck. A bizarre, buzzing sound seems to come from the turnbuckle itself. It begins to vibrate even. “By Guan Yu’s beard …” Fei mutters JUST BEFORE THE TURNBUCKLE EXPLODES AND A STREAM OF GODDAMN HORNETS FLY INTO HIS FACE!!

W.W.: HOLY SHIT!

J.R.: Bah Gawd! Bah Gawd! Hornets! The turnbuckle was filled with hornets! Shit!

W.W.: This must be the first of many traps set up around this hill!

Guan Fei rolls away from the STORM OF HORNETS, his face stung repeatedly, WAVING HIS ROBE at the SWARM in an attempt to fend it off. A spare hornet flies over to ANT KING and ATTEMPTS TO STING HIM but only manages to kill itself. Ant King begins LAUGHING AT FEI’S PLIGHT. Soon, THE OTHER TWO TURNBUCKLES NOW DISTRUBED EXPLODE INTO A MASS OF HORNETS! Guan Fei is COVERED!!

J.R.: This may be the end of GUAN FEI, KILLED BY TURNBUCKLE HORNETS!

W.W.: AND ANT KING IS LAUGHING HIS ASS OFF! Beautiful!

Soon Ant King is on ONE KNEE HOWLING WITH JOY. Guan Fei BREAKS FROM THE SWARM OF HORNETS FOR A SECOND, taking a KUNG FU STANCE. He swirls his hands over and over, COLLECTING ENERGY IN HIS HANDS! The swarm SWOOPS DOWN ON GUAN FEI and FEI SWIRLS HIS HANDS AROUND THEM, WRAPPING THEM TOGETHER BY THE AIR FLOW THAT GUAN FEI NOW CONTROLS! USING HIS FUCKING ANCIENT KUNG FU, HE COLLECTS THE HORNET SWARM INTO A BALL AND HURLS IT … DOWN ANT KING’S GODDAMNED FUCKING THROAT!!

W.W.: MOTHERFUCKER!!

J.R.: BAH GAWD! ANT KING JUST SWALLOWED A BUNCH OF FUCKING HORNETS!!

THE ANT KING DROPS TO THE GROUND, CLAWING AT HIS THROAT while Guan Fei attempts to recover from the monstrous amount of stings he received. Ant King collapses onto the ground and begins PUNCHING HIS STOMACH. OVER AND OVER, HE KEEPS SLAMMING HIS FISTS INTO HIS ANT ABDOMEN. His HEAD JERKS UP and a TORRENT OF HORNETS EXPLODE FROM HIS MOUTH AS HE SCREAMS A GARBLED, BUZZING “YAAAAAAAAA!!”

The hornets, most dead now, attempt to attack Guan Fei and Ant King once more. Guan FEI DIGS INTO HIS BEARD AND JERKS OUT HANDFULS OF HAIR. He BLOWS ONTO HIS HANDS, SENDING THE HAIRS LIKE NEEDLES, PIERCING THE HORNETS and killing them. Guan Fei takes a few more STRANDS OF BEARD, straightening with MYSTICAL ORIENTAL ENERGY, and launching them like needles at Ant King’s face. ANT KING blocks the HAIRS, the needles bouncing off his exoskeleton, and fall to the ground. HOWEVER, as he PULLS HIS ARMS AWAY FROM HIS EYES, he sees GUAN FEI FUCKING FLYING AT HIS FACE! GUAN FEI LAUNCHES A HEEL KICK that sends ANT KING FLYING OUT OF THE RING, landing in the dirt!

W.W.: Son of a bitch! THAT DIRTY FUCKING SLANT!

J.R.: And Guan Fei has the upper hand once again!

Ant King comes to his sense and rolls to his side. As soon as he lifts his arm, a LAND MINE PROPELS INTO THE AIR. A BOUNCING BETTY TO BE SPECIFIC. Before he can react, IT EXPLODES RIGHT IN HIS FUCKING FACE!

J.R.: LANDMINES, NOW?!

As the smoke clears THE ANT KING REVEALS HIS ARM GONE, HIS STUB SMOKING. Guan Fei grabs his flag and continues upward, this time a little carefully.

“BOSS!!” PICCOLO SCREAMS from the base of the hill. THE ANT KING looks down at his smoldering arm lying in a pile of mud. He grabs it, TEARS OFF HIS FTUW SHIRT, and ties the arm together.

“I gotta cauterize the wound!” ANT KING tells himself. THE ANT KING takes his good ARM and PUNCHES HIMSELF IN THE FUCKING STOMACH ONCE MORE. His ANT EYES BUG OUT (lol) as he BEGINS VOMITING. FROM THE BOWELS OF HIS STOMACH COMES A BLOWTORCH! “Good thing I brought this!” Ant King says. HE IGNITES THE BLOWTORCH and BEGINS BURNING HIS ARM TO THE STUB. “OOOOOH YEAAAAAAH!!!” he bellows.

J.R.: I don’t know what the fuck is happening.

“I’M COMIN’ FOR YOU, GUAN FEI!!” ANT KING SCREAMS, SNATCHING UP HIS FLAG AND CHARGING UP THE HILL AS WELL. As they both head for the third ring, LAND MINES GO OFF, FLYING INTO THE AIR AND EXPLODING. Both WRESTLING HEROES dodge the explosions while RUSHING UP THE HILL. Ant King steps on a bouncing BETTY that then FIRES UPWARD. QUICKLY, HE ROUNDHOUSE KICKS IT TOWARDS GUAN FEI!! The explosion HITS FEI, SENDING HIM FLYING INTO THE APRON OF THE RING. Smoke pours of FEI’S BEARD as he KNOCKED SENSELESS FROM THE ATTACK!

W.W.: The Ant King is a champion.

THE ANT KING CHARGES UP towards the RING and LEAPS. Guan Fei sees his opponent airborne and SLIDES INTO THE RING to COMBAT HIM. As soon as weight it pressed on the mat, STEEL CAGE WALLS COVERED IN BARBED WIRE spring up from the MUD and ENCLOSE THE RING! ANT KING and GUAN FEI LOOK AT THEIR NEW SURROUNDINGS! This have been changed into an IMPROMPTU CAGE MATCH!

W.W.: What the hell? I thought the match was to bring the FLAG TO THE TOP!

J.R.: We are getting word that the RING was a TRAP, meant to ensnare one fighter while the other continued up the hill! However, luck has it they entered the ring at the exact moment, TRAPPING THEM BOTH! The cage walls won’t come down for three minutes!

Guan Fei and Ant King turn to each other and decide to continue doing what they’ve been doing the whole match, WHIPPING EACH OTHER’S ASSES! More KUNG FU STRIKES ARE EXCHANGED with ANT KING gaining up the upper hand! Guan Fei flies into the cage wall and is slammed into THE BARBED WIRE! Guan Fei falls off, back bleeding, and TOE KICKS an APPROACHING ANT KING! He slams Ant King with a DAMN DDT. Guan Fei whips Ant King into the barbed wire wall BUT HIS EXOSKELETON prevents ANY DAMAGE! Guan Fei starts executing SMOOTH, ANIMAL MOVEMENTS, firing off BLINDING STRIKES!

J.R.: Fei’s handing out a good ol’ fashioned Oklahoma ass-beating!

GUAN FEI slams a DBZ-ESQUE knee into ANT KING’S STOMACH. ANT KING VOMITS UP SOME BLOOD … AND THEN HE SHITS OUT A FUCKING GRENADE!! ANT KING’S *RECTAL MUSCLES* HELD THE DEPRESSOR TIGHTLY, KEEPING IT SAFE! Now that it’s ON THE GROUND IN A PILE OF ASS SHIT, it’s ALIVE AGAIN!

“TASTE MY RECTAL SAUSE GRENADE!!!” ANT KING SCREAMS, DIVING FOR COVER. GUAN FEI is blown into the SIDE OF THE BARBED WIRE cage from the explosion! As the smoke clears, there is a massive hole in the ring floor. GUAN FEI GROGGILY TURNS HIS EYES TO THE HILL AND SEES ANT KING SURFACING FROM THE DIRT!!

W.W.: He escaped! THE FUCKING ANT KING ESCAPED! He dug his way out!

Guan Fei sees ANT KING CHARGING UP TO THE 4th RING on the hill, CARRYING HIS AMERICAN FLAG PROUDLY. “Bastard …” GUAN FEI spits. HE CLIMBS UP ONE WALL OF THE CAGE, BARBED WIRE DIGGING INTO HIS HANDS. As GUAN FEI reaches the top, HE YANKS FORCEFULLY AT THE BARBED WIRE WRAPPED THROUGH THE LINKS OF THE CAGE. BLOOD SQUIRTS FROM HIS FUCKING PALMS as he UNTANGLES THE MESS OF BARBED WIRE. LIKE WHIPS, HE FLINGS THEM AT ANT KING, WRAPPING AROUND HIS FUCKING ARMS!! ANT KING STRUGGLES BUT GUAN FEI DOESN’T RELEASE HIS GRASP DESPITE IT CUTTING HIS HANDS TO SHREDS!

“THE FLAG OF NON-AMERICA WILL BE WHAT CLAIMS THIS HILL!” Guan Fei shouts! ANT KING VOMITS UP A GLASS BOTTLE. THE STAINED COVER WITH RUNNING INK READS “HYDROCHLORIC ACID.” The bottle is FLUNG from his GULLET AND STRAIGHT AT GUAN FEI!

J.R.: BAH GAWD! WHAT THE FUCK?!

W.W.: IS THAT ACID?! JESUS!

Guan Fei KNEELS DOWN AND SURROUNDS HIMSELF WITH HIS MIGHTY BEARD, TURNING HIMSELF INTO A BALL OF BEARD! The GLASS EXPLODES on the beard and the ACID BEGINS BURNING AWAY THROUGH THE MIGHTY FOLICLES! Guan Fei SPRINGS FROM HIS OWN BEARD, HIS FACE SHAVEN! GUAN FEI CUT OFF HIS OWN BEARD TO SAVE HIMSELF BUT HIS FACE IS ALREADY STARTING TO REGROW ITS BEARD!

J.R.: This is incredible.

AS GUAN FEI HITS THE HILL, FLAG ON HIS SHOULDER, a LARGE BUZZER GOES OFF. THE FAGGOTRON CAN BE SEEN AT THE APEX OF THE HILL READING “15 MINUTE MARK!!” SUDDENLY, THE ZOMBIE FAN CAGES AROUND THE HILL OPEN UP WITH THE ZOMBIES LURCHING UP THE HILL AFTER GUAN FEI AND ANT KING! They turn to ONE ANOTHER AND CONTINUE TO CHARGE TO THE 4TH RING AS AN ARMY OF ZOMBIES SLOWLY MOVE AFTER THEM, EXPLODING RANDOMLY BY LANDMINES!

W.W.: MAN, NOW THIS IS JUST GETTING RETARDED.

Guan Fei and ANT KING SLUG EACH OTHER as they CLIMB THE HILL. THEY BASH EACH OTHER’S FACES as they continue to the 4th RING! AS THEY MOVE UP THE TRENCHES to the 4th RING, THEY NOTICE WEAPONS PLACED ON EACH TURNBUCKLE! ANT KING punches GUAN FEI IN THE BALLS and CLIMBS INTO THE RING AND MOUNTS A MACHINE GUN SET UP ON THE TURNBUCKLE!

“GYAAAARAHAGHGH!!” ANT KING SCREAMS AS HE BLASTS HOT LEAD AT GUAN FEI! GUAN FEI HITS THE DIRT AND DOZENS OF ZOMBIES EXPLODE FROM THE FIRE. Guan Fei crawls around the ring, BEING CAREFUL NOT TO ENTER THE ANT KING’S LINE OF FIRE. GUAN FEI POKES HIS HEAD UP AND ANT KING UNLEASHES HELL, spraying down some FLAG-WAVING FANS IN THE AUDIENCE. The remaining audience members start bodysurfing the freshly made corpses, taking arms and legs and teasing the zombies on the other side of the fence. The FTUW Fan Body Counter DINGS as it adds a few more to the equation.

Guan Fei LEAPS UP on the other corner of the RING and slams his FIST INTO A MOUNTED GRENADE LAUNCHER. It fires and blows away the ring post ANT KING was standing behind. Ant King rolls into the ring as Guan Fei slides in! ANT KING GOES A FOR CLOTHESLINE but Guan Fei DUCKS! Guan Fei turns AROUND TO SEE ANT KING BEHIND A MOUNTED FLAMETHROWER! The clothesline was just a FARCE so he could get over to it!

J.R.: How does the FTU afford all this?!

AS ANT KING SLAMS HIS FINGER ON THE TRIGGER, GUAN FEI LEAPS FORWARD AND BEGINS BICYCLE KICKING THE FLAMES AWAY! QUICKLY, HE SLAMS HIS FEET INTO THE MOUNTED FLAMETHROWER, KNOCKING IT OFF THE RING POST AND INTO ANT KING’S MOUTH!! Guan Fei THROWS A DYNAMITE PUNCH INTO THE FLAMETHROWER, shoving it FURTHER INTO ANT KING’S THROAT! The ANT KING collapses to his KNEES AS GUAN FEI DOUBLE AXE HANDLES IT OVER AND OVER until THE ENTIRE THING IS IN ANT KING’S FUCKING BODY!

W.W.: NO! NO! What the fuck!

J.R.: The Ant King is going to be shitting a FLAMETHROWER TOMORROW!

Piccolo rushes up the hill TRYING TO ESCAPE FROM THE ZOMBIES. He sees RIDE THE TIGER stuck in the DIRT and does his BEST TO LIFT THE MIGHTY SPEAR and fend off the FLESH-EATING CORPSES after him. Piccolo trudges up the hill as ZOMBIES CLAW AT HIS FEET. The Ant King lays in the MUD, hacking up blood as Guan FEI DRAGS HIS BODY UP TO THE FIFTH RING, THE FINAL STEP BEFORE THE TOP OF FUCK HILL!!

J.R.: It’s Piccolo! What the hell is he doing?!

“GIMME THAT SUM BITCH!” SCREAMS THE ANT KING! Piccolo, looking confused, TOSSES RIDE THE TIGER AT ANT KING and rushes away from the ZOMBIES. ANT KING GRABS THE FUCKING SPEAR and LEAPS INTO THE AIR as GUAN FEI ENTERS THE FIFTH RING! Guan Fei turns around to see ANT KING flying towards him, SPEAR LOOKING TO IMPALE HIM! GUAN FEI LOWERS HIS ARMS AND TAKES A KUNG FU STANCE! HE MOVES HIS LEGS … BUT FINDS THEY DON’T MOVE! HE LOOKS DOWN TO SEE THE RING MAT IS ACTUALLY QUICK SAND!!

J.R.: FUCKING QUICKSAND?!

W.W.: The ring mat has been painted white! GUAN FEI HAS FALLEN INTO A TRAP! ANT KING IS GOING TO KILL HIM RIGHT THERE!

Guan Fei struggles to FREE HIMSELF BUT THERE IS NO ESCAPE! ANT KING CLOSES IN AND STABS THE SPEAR at GUAN FEI. GUAN FEI slams his LACERATED PALMS and GRIPS THE SPEAR TIGHT! THE SPEAR SLOWS DOWN as SMOKE and BLOOD SPEW FROM K’UNT-SMAK’S HANDS! The POINT OF THE SPEAR stops RIGHT AT FEI’S EYE … THEN FUCKING GOES IN! ANT KING SPEARFACED GUAN FUCKING FEI!!

J.R.: SPEARFACE!! SPEARFACE!! ANT KING SPEARFACED GUAN FEI!!

Blood SQUIRTS FROM GUAN FEI’S EYE SOCKET as the BLADE IS BURIED INSIDE FEI’S FUCKING HEAD! ANT KING LIFTS UP THE SPEAR, YANKING K’UNT-SMAK FROM THE RING OF QUICKSAND BY HIS FUCKING SKULL HOLE! GUAN FEI HOLDS ON DEARLY AS LETTING GO MIGHT CAUSE THE BLADE TO PIERCE HIS FUCKING BRAIN!

J.R.: BAH GAWD! ANT KING HAS HIM IMPALED THROUGH THE EYE!

“YOU FUCKING CHINK SHIT!! WHEN I’M THE NEW CHAMP, I’M GOING TO FUCKING CHINA AND SHOVING MY THUNDER COCK INTO YOUR WIFE’S LOVE HOLE! THEN I’M GOING BLAST MY MAN GRAVY INTO YOUR DAUGHTER’S EAR AREA!!! AND I’M GOING TO SHOVE MY DICK IN YOUR HORSE’S SWEET **PELVIC** AREA!!” ANT KING LAUGHS!

“How DARE you speak such FILTH about MY HORSE!!” GUAN FEI SCREAMS!! HE PUSHES OFF THE SPEAR, HIS EYE EJACULATING BLOOD, AND BEGINS TO FALL THE TWENTY FOOT LENGTH FROM ANT KING’S FACE TO THE TIP OF THE SPEAR! GUAN FEI PULLS BACK HIS FIST AND SUMMONS UP HIS ANCESTORS FOR AN INHUMAN PUNCH!! BLOOD GUSHES FROM HIS EYE AS HE FALLS TOWARDS ANT KING, THROWING A LUNGE OF ASIAN DESTRUCTION AT ANT KING’S FACE. ANT KING FUCKING DROPS THE SPEAR AND READIES A COUNTER PUNCH AS THEY MOVE TOWARDS EACH OTHER! ANT KING TAKES A STEP BACK AND THROWS AN UPPER, READY TO TURN THAT FUCKING TWENTY FOOT DROP INTO A DECAPITATING UPPERCUT!

BUT AS GUAN FEI PULLS BACK HIS FIST, HE USES HIS OTHER ARM TO PINCH HIS NOSE! HE CLOSES HIS MOUTH TIGHT AND BLOWS, SPEWING FUCKING BLOOD FROM HIS EYE HOLE! THE BLOOD SPLASHES INTO THE ANT KING’S EYES, BLINDING HIM, AND GUAN FEI PUNCHES HIS FUCKING HEAD THROUGH THE FUCKING RING!! ANT KING GETS BURIED INSTANTLY AND THE RING EXPLODES AS HE IS SENT INTO THE GROUND LIKE A DRILL!

W.W.: ANT KING!!

J.R.: HE JUST FUCKING SENT HIM THROUGH THE QUICKSAND RING AND THEN IT FUCKING EXPLODED!

W.W.: NO! GUAN FEI IS GOING TO THE TOP!

Guan Fei climbs up the hill, CRAWLING, DRAGGING HIS CHINESE FLAG BEHIND HIM. ONE LEG IS BATTERED AND CAN BARELY BE USED. HIS EYE IS STILL DRIPPING BLOOD. BUT HE REFUSES TO GIVE UP! HE CONTINUES TO CLIMB UP THE HILL! HE REACHES THE TOP AND SEES A BRIGHT LIGHT SHINING OFF THE FAGGOTRON, BLINDING HIM ALMOST. A FIGURE STANDS AT THE TOP SILHOUETTED. This figure is NONE OTHER THAN MOLOCH ARSCHLOCH!

J.R.: MOLOCH ARSCHLOCH?!

W.W.: WHAT THE FUCK IS THE CHAMP DOING HERE?

GUAN FEI STANDS A MERE TEN FEET from the CIRCLE OF STONES that designates the TOP OF FUCK HILL. Moloch stands in front of him, HIS GOLD MASK GLEAMING, HIS BLONDE MANE FLOWING, and his CRIMSON RED CAPE ENSHROUNDING HIM.

“What … is the meaning of this … ?” Guan Fei demands weakly.

“Hohoho …” he laughs.

“Move aside! I must win this match and retain my championship!”

“It’s a shame it must come to this but you aren’t coming out of here alive,” Moloch Arschloch whips open his cape, revealing a glass of red wine. He brings it to his lips and sips it. Guan Fei stands there, hunched, Non-American flag clutched in his hand.

“The gods will strike you down for such brash interference!”

“Yeah, right,” Arschloch sips again, “I knew you would drop your title and attempt to take mine after this match. I knew you were trying to move onto bigger, better things. So I attempted to keep you stuck here forever by removing your opponents …”

“So … it was you!”

“Yes, those men that tossed ANT KING off the scaffolding were my own. He was the only one here that could beat you and take your title. But it seems my men weren’t as professional as I thought. He lived and participated in this match regardless.”

“Damn you, Arschloch! FIGHT WITH HONOR! Why would such a coward use such trickery?!”

“Whatever,” Arschloch laughs, “Like you were any different. Matches. Bouts. What’s the point? They mean nothing! True combat lies in finding your opponent, whenever, wherever, and DESTROYING THEM.”

“I have changed. I know what it is like to fight for a people! The countries of Non-American look to me as a GUIDING HAWK OF LIGHT! I could no longer stain the name of GUAN with treachery!”

“Fool,” Arschloch breaks the glass of wine in his hands, “Who is stronger has nothing to do with HONOR. As CHAMPION OF THE WORLD, I will win and rule, ANY … WAY … I CAN!”

MOLOCH ARSCHLOCH CLOAK OF CRIMSON PUFFS OUT AT A SINGLE POINT IN FRONT OF HIM. PIERCING THE FABRIC, HIS BONE SPEAR EXITS FROM THE CLOAK AND IMPALES GUAN FEI IN THE SHOULDER! GUAN FEI ATTEMPTS TO FIGHT BACK BUT MOLOCH ARSCHLOCH SLAMS HIS MAMMOTH FIST IN GUAN FEI’S FUCKING HEAD!

“Hohoho! Such ignorance!” Arschloch laughs as HE LIFTS UP FEI’S BLOODY BODY with one hand, “Fools don’t deserve the FTUW Championship!”

MOLOCH ARSCHLOCH PULLS BACK HIS BONE SPEAR AND FIRES IT OFF. SUDDENLY, FROM UNDER THE FUCKING GROUND, ANT KING BURSTS THROUGH THE DIRT (COVERED IN ZOMBIE HANDS AND HEADS AS THEY TRIED TO EAT THROUGH HIS EXOSKELETON) AND KICKS MOLOCH ARSCHLOCH IN THE GUT!! AS MOLOCH ARSCHLOCH BENDS OVER IN PAIN, ANT KING NAILS THE FUCKING STUNNER!!

“YEAAAAAAAAAAH MOTHERRRRR BITCHESSSSSS!!!” THE FUCKING ANT KING SCREAMS WHILE FLOPPING AROUND ON THE GROUND, WAVING THE AMERICAN FLAG TO AN INSANE AMOUNT OF CHEERS, AND MOLOCH CONVULSES ON THE GROUND!!

J.R.: THE STUNNER!! THE STUNNER!! ANT KING JUST SAVED GUAN FEI!

MOLOCH SCRAMBLES TO HIS FEET, GRABBING HIS DAMAGED NECK, AND HURLS HIS BONE SPEAR AT THE ANT KING. The spear SLAMS INTO HIS CHEST, BREAKING SLIGHTLY THROUGH HIS EXOSKELETON AND PIERCING HIS BODY! ANT KING SPITS UP SOME BLOOD AND PUSHES AWAY MOLOCH!

W.W.: OH GOD! MOLOCH BROKE THE FREEDOM-LOVING ARMOR OF A FUTURE AMERICAN HERO!

Moloch YANKS BACK HIS ARM, HIS CLOAK FLUTTERING MAGNIFICIENTLY, as he GOES FOR ANOTHER STRIKE! Ant King falls to ONE KNEE as ARSCHLOCH’S BONE SPEAR HONES IN ON THE BLEEDING CHINK in his ARMOR! As the BONE sails forward, GUAN MOTHERFUCKING FEI GRABS MOLOCH BY THE ELBOW AND DRIVES A KNEE INTO HIS ARM! MOLOCH GROANS IN PAIN AS HIS ARM SNAPS BACKWARDS. Guan Fei grabs THE ANT KING BY THE SHOULDER AND HELPS HIM UP. THE TWO FUCKING NOD TO EACH OTHER AND YANK BACK THEIR FISTS. THEY BOTH THROW STRAIGHTS TO MOLOCH’S BENT-BACK, BROKEN ARMOR, DRIVING THE FUCKING SHIT FUCK BONE SPEAR INTO ARSCHLOCH’S OWN FACE! THE GOLD MASK IS CLEAVED IN HALF AS MOLOCH STABS HIMSELF IN THE FOREHEAD!


J.R.: SPEARFACE!! THEY USED MOLOCH ARSCHLOCH’S OWN FUCKING BONE TO SHOVE IT THROUGH HIS FACE FUCK SHIT!!

WARRIOR WARRIOR RIPS OFF HIS SUIT IN EXCITEMENT AND THEN PITS BOTH OF HIS MASSIVE ARMS AGAINST EACH OTHER IN AN ARM WRESTLING MATCH.

“Grrrrk!” Moloch shouts. Moloch yanks THE SPEAR from his FACE and pops the bone in his ARM BACK INTO PLACE. GUAN FEI and ANT KING, exhausted, STEP FORWARD and throw attacks in UNISON! Moloch HURLS his CRIMSON CLOAK at them, tangling them up, and LEAPS TO FROM THE HILL to the RAFTERS!

“Bastards …” he curses, before VANISHING BACK INTO THE SHADOWS! Both Guan Fei and Ant King kneel at in the mud around the VICTORY POINT. Each of their flags are behind their opponents. They can barely move. THEY HAVE USED EVERYTHING TO REACH THIS POINT.

“ANT KING! ANT KING! ANT KING!” THE CROWD SHOUTS, CHEERING FOR THE ALL-AMERICAN HERO.

“GUAN FEI! GUAN FEI! GUAN FEI!” THE REST OF THE CROWD SHOUTS, INSPIRED BY HIS BRAVERY.

Suddenly, FOUR STEEL COLUMNS SHOOT OUT AROUND THE MUDDY HILLTOP. THE GROUND BEGINS SHAKING AND RISING! MECHANICAL ROPES FLY FROM THE COLUMNS AND CONNECT. THE MUD FALLS AWAY TO REVEAL A MAT! A SIXTH RING. THE FINAL RING. AND A CIRCLE IN THE CENTER FOR THE VICTOR’S FLAG!

MORE SUDDENLY, BLADES EJECT FROM THE ROPES. THEN, THE ROPES BEGIN TO TRAVEL FROM POLE TO POLE, EFFECTIVELY CREATING MOTHERFUCKING CHAINSAW ROPES!!

W.W.: McHarris is a God.

“LET’S FINISH THIS, BEE OTCH!” Ant King says, tossing the Non-American flag behind him.

“Yes, only one of these two stars shall continue to illuminate the sky whereas the other … will burn out and fade into blackness!” Guan Fei says, tossing the American flag behind him.

J.R.: THIS IS IT! THE FINAL MINUTES!

GUAN FEI and ANT KING CHARGE FORWARD, THEIR BODIES ACHING AND BLEEDING, AND BLAST EACH OTHER’S FUCKING FACES WITH SIMULTANEOUS HOOKS! They are BLOWN BACK TEMPORARILY before CHARGING FORWARD ONCE MORE! Ant King lands a GIGANTIC, RIB-CRUSHING BLOW to GUAN FEI’S SIDE. FEI SPITS UP BLOOD and COUNTERS! Ant King stumbles back and GUAN FEI charges forward, THROWING SPEEDY ATTACKS that OVERWHELM ANT KING! However, Guan Fei doesn’t have the strength to MAKE HIS BLOWS penetrate Ant King’s effective arm! He slams a kick that ANT KING that SENDS HIM STUMBLING INTO THE CHAINSAW ROPES! THE ROBES CUT AWAY AT THE EXOSKELETON, SHOOTING SPARKS AND BLOOD!

W.W.: FUCKING CHAINSAW ROPES!

“YAAAARGH!!” ANT KING STUMBLES FORWARD.off the CHAINSAW ROPES and hits GUAN FEI WITH A SHUFFLE SIDE KICK. Guan Fei slams into the turnbuckles and ANT KING DROPS DOWN ON ALL FOURS. ANT KING OPENS IS MAW AND A LARGE, METALLIC OBJECT BEGINS TO EXIT. IT’S THE FUCKING FLAMETHROWER GUAN FEI SHOVED DOWN HIS MATCH EARLIER!!

J.R.: BAH GAWD!! BAAAAH GAWD!!

“GALARLRALGLBBHRGH!” ANT KING SPEWS FLAMES FROM HIS FLAMETHROWER MOUTH THAT RUSH TOWARDS GUAN FEI! GUAN FEI LEAPS BACKWARDS OVER THE TURNBUCKLE AND LANDS ON THE APRON! HE DUCKS DOWN BEHIND IT, DODGING THE FLAMES, BUT THE HEAT TURNS THE POLE INTO A RED HOT ROD THAT BURNS FEI’S HANDS!

“Graaaagh!!” GUAN FEI SHOUTS! HOWEVER, THE HEATED METAL MELTS HIS HANDS ONTO THE RING POST! He CRIES IN PAIN as THE NERVES IN HIS HANDS ARE BURNED AWAY as the MELTING RING POST ENCOMPASSES THEM. Ant King HEAVES UP the FLAMETHROWER in the middle of the ring and STUMBLES TOWARD the AMERICAN FLAG!

W.W.: ANT KING FUCKING MELTED HIS HANDS TO THE RING!

J.R.: THIS HAS TO BE IT! THIS HAS TO BE WHAT ENDS THE MATCH! SERIOUSLY, THIS TIME!

Ant KING PICKS UP THE FUCKING AMERICAN FLAG AND TURNS AROUND TO HAVE HIS FUCKING FACE SMASHED IN! THE CAMERA ZOOMS OUT TO REVEAL GUAN FEI WITH METAL FUCKING FISTS.

J.R.: NO MORE!! NO MORE-GRAAAAHGLGHAHAGH.

GUAN FEI BEGINS FUCKING SLUGGING IT OUT, CRACKING ANT KING’S EXOSKELETON WITH HIS METAL FISTS!

“I’LL SHIT DOWN YOUR THROAT YOU MOTHA BI-AAAARGHH!!” GUAN FEI CRACKS HIS SKULL OPEN WITH A METAL FIST. GUAN FEI THROWS COMBO AFTER COMBO TO THE BODY, SENDING ANT KING’S BLOOD ALL OVER THE RING! GUAN FEI FIRES OFF A METALLIC STRAIGHT THAT SENDS ANT KING TO THE MAT! GUAN FEI TURNS AND GOES FOR THE NON-AMERICAN FLAG! HE REACHES DOWN … AND THEN REALIZES HE CAN’T GRAB IT BECAUSE HIS HANDS ARE COVERED IN METAL!!

W.W.: IRONY OF IRONIES!

GUAN FEI BENDS OVER AND BITES THE FUCKING FLAG RIGHT THERE! HE LEAPS AND SPINS HIS HEAD, READY TO BURY THE FLAG RIGHT THERE AND THEN! ANT KING LEAPS TO HIS FEET AND GRABS THE AMERICAN FLAG. THEY HOLD THEIR RESPECTIVE FLAGS HIGH ABOVE THEIR HEAD AND THEN SLAM THEM DOWN!

J.R.: BAAAAAAAAH GAAAAWD!!

WARRIOR WARRIOR FINISHES THE ARM WRESTLING MATCH BY RIPPING OFF HIS LEFT ARM WITH HIS RIGHT IN EXTREME, INTENSE EXCITEMENT.

RUDY RAY MOORE’S HEAD EXPLODES, but since he’s a zombie it’s OK.

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RING STAND BOTH GUAN FEI AND THE ANT KING, BOTH FLAGS BURIED IN THE MAT, THE FLAG POLES PIERCING THEIR OPPONENT’S TORSOS. THEY ARE FUCKING STANDING THEIR WITH FLAGS SHOVED THROUGH THEIR BODIES!

J.R.: WHO WON?!

MCHARRIS SUDDENLY APPEARS ON THE FAGGOTRON WHILE FURIOUSLY JERKING OFF.

“SINCE THIS AMAZING FUCKING MATCH SEEMS TO HAVE ENDED IN A DRAW, THE RULES HAVE BEEN CHANGED THAT WHOEVER FALLS FIRST IS THE LOSER!”

STANDING THERE, THE TWO BEGIN TRADING BLOWS SLOWLY, THROWING WHAT LITTLE STRENGTH THEY HAVE IN EACH PUNCH. THE ANT KING HURLS A BONEY FIST INTO GUAN FEI’S JAW! BOOOOM! GUAN FEI TAKES A METALLIC FIST AND CRACKS ANT KING’S SKULL OPEN FURTHER. ANOTHER RIGHT FROM ANT KING. ANOTHER UPPERCUT FROM GUAN FEI!

ANOTHER! ANOTHER! AND ANOTHER! THEY BOTH THROW THEIR FINAL PUNCHES AND THE TWO FISTS COLLIDE.

GUAN FEI’S METAL FIST BEGINS TO CRACK. BLOOD SEEPS OPEN FROM THE CREVICE. THEN IT BEGINS TO GUSH.

ANT KING’S FIST BEGINS TO CRACK, THE EXOSKELETAL ARMOR BREAKING OPEN. BLOOD BEGINS TO EXPLODE FROM THE WOUND.

AND THE CRACK CONTINUES UP ANT KING’S ARM, FURTHER AND FURTHER.

THEN GUAN FEI’S KNUCKLES BREAK OFF HIS FUCKING HAND AND ANT KING’S FIST CONTINUES! THE FIST FUCKING SLAMS INTO GUAN FEI’S FACE!! THE POLE IMPALING K’UNT-SMAK’S BODY SNAPS IN HALF AND GUAN FEI COLLAPSES ONTO THE GROUND! ANT KING FALLS FACE FORWARD SHORTLY AFTER. THE FUCKING ANT KING HAS WON!!

J.R.: THE ANT KING HAS WON!! THE ANT KING HAS WON!! I CAN’T BELIEVE IT! NEW NON-AMERICAN CHAMP!!

W.W.: GOD HAS REWARDED US ONCE AGAIN!

Guan Fei looks up at the rafters hazily. Ant King’s face is buried in the mud. They both bleed plentifully.

Ambulances covered in spikes and shit CRASH through the zombies and rush up the hill. The Ant King and Guan Fei are loaded onto stretchers and carried away on stretchers. Immediately, they hook both fighters onto life support.

An EMT hands a bewildered Piccolo the belt.

[Yogurtman]

J.R.: Here we are, folks, the main event. This is for the FTUW Championship and it promises to be a real slobberknocker! It's Goldman challenging Moloch Arschloch in a crematorium match!

WW: That's right, Jim. This match pits Jew against German for the first time since World War II. I would say that Goldman has a slight advantage here because his trainer, Olympas, is an old Jew who knows what it takes to survive a trip to the crematorium, but Moloch Arschloch is a tough son of a bitch who will show no mercy, even to his own people.

J.R.: I still can't believe he killed all of the people in Germany like that!

WW: The dark Teutonic soul of the German people allows them to do anything without remorse.

RRM: Arschloch can kiss my mothafuckin' ass before I stick my Hush Puppies up his.

J.R.: Let's head to the ring and Todd Lightning.

"Coming to the ring first is our challenger, from New York, New York, weighing in at 220 pounds, he hates Germans, but he loves JAPs, GOOOOOOOLDMAN!"

Goldman walks down the ramp with Olympas, who is unsettled by the sight of the ring. It is made of brick with metal bars instead of canvas. To the side, trained FTU technicians are shoveling coal into the oven. Olympas mutters something to himself in Yiddish, and then offers some last advice to his pupil. Goldman pretends to listen, but he's too excited about the idea of having that giant gold belt. He wonders how much it would be worth, not that he'd be willing to part with it. Perhaps for the right price.

"And now, your FTUW champion, "heiling" from Germany, the Furious Furher, the Killer Kaiser, MOLOCH ARRRRRRRRSCHLOCH!"

The goldsoldaten carry Arschloch down the ramp on a bed where he lies next to Kunt, who is feeding him grapes. When they get to ring side, he orders the goldsoldaten to act as steps for him to climb into the ring. Then he tells them to take Kunt to his luxury suite in the arena.

J.R.: This is it, the final match of the evening is about to begin!

WW: It certainly can't live up to the Non-American title match, seeing as a Jew is involved.

The referee enters the ring in a flame-retardant suit and says, "Okay, kids, I want a good, clean fight. Wait until the oven is ignited and the bell rings. To your corners."

Arschloch slides his golden claw off and says sarcastically, "Do I get extra points for not complaining about how lazy and painfully obvious this match idea is?"

"Hey, you, this is serious business! Don't you dare belittle the suffering that my ancestors went through in the concentration camps! I ought to punch you right here!" Goldman says, walking into the ref to pretend that he's being restrained.

J.R.: Emotions are already flaring up, and the ring isn't even on fire yet!

Goldman walks back to his corner, scolding himself for his outburst. But the Holocaust is serious business. It makes him so mad that someone could deny the single most horrific tragedy in history. At least 20 million Jews died in the Holocaust, which is more than died in every other war combined! Don't they realize how much the Jews suffered? How much they still suffer from the memories?

Olympas tries to calm Goldman down, but he is happy that for once there is a fire in his eyes. Maybe this means the training he went through paid off. He instructs Goldman to remove his rabbi outfit because it is too expensive to be ruining for no reason.

Suddenly a clanking sound comes from overhead as a cage is lowered from the rafters. It slams into place and FTUW technicians lock it down to the ring. They check over everything and then give the thumbs up to the ref. The ref signals the ready to the time keeper to presses the button to light the flames. Once they reach the proper temperature, he rings the bell and the one hour time limit begins counting down on the Faggotron.

J.R.: And we're under way!

Goldman is already sweating from the heat when he is clotheslined down to the steel grating. Arschloch stomps down on Goldman's chest and he can hear the sizzling of Goldman's skin. Arschloch grabs Goldman and then throws him against the cage. The audience is treated to the grid of first degree burns on Goldman's back. Stone Cold Steve Austin's arms are noticeably unscathed when they grab on to the cage and climb to the top, dropping Goldman on Arschloch's head.

J.R.: The champ got the jump on Goldman, but Goldman returned the favor!

WW: It's not often Goldman returns anything unless there's some kind of Jew scheme involved.

RRM: In my career as an entertainer I've met many a Jew, but I wouldn't trust a mothafuckin' nickel with even two.

WW: Rudy gets it!

Arschloch rolls to his feet and big boots Goldman back into the side of the cage, shoulder tackling him so he can't climb up again. Right as it looks like Goldman is about to double-axe handle (with each pair of hands!) Arschloch, he pauses in mid-movement and then blood runs down his chin. Arschloch pulls back his bone spear, coated in Goldman's blood! Arschloch punches Goldman in the face, knocking him from his stupor, and then kicks him in the wound. Goldman falls in pain, only to be burned by the super heated steel.

WW: Arschloch is here to win, not fuck around. That's how you defend a title.

J.R.: After his despicable actions in the Non-American title match, I'm shocked you can say that.

WW: He was protecting us from having a potential chink champion. I think that's commendable. He may have attacked the Ant King, but I think his heart was in the right place.

J.R.: Whatever.

Goldman jumps up to his feet and leans against the ropes, clutching his stomach. He's delirious from the pain. Arschloch closes in, but STONE COLD FUCKING SLAPS HIS BITCH ASS TO THE GROUND. Stone Cold's arms grab a piece of steel and rips it out and then with one hand knocks Goldman's PUSSY arms out of the way. He then uses the hot metal to cauterize the wound. Goldman screams in pain, but with the bleeding stopped, he can focus on the fight again. Stone Cold's arms go limp again.

J.R.: Amazing! Goldman is refusing to give up! Arschloch has to do something now or it could get ugly.

RRM: That rat soup eatin', insecure, honky mutha fucka!

Arschloch grabs the ropes and pulls himself up. Once he's on his feet, he pulls the rope OFF THE TURNBUCKLES AND STARTS WHIPPING GOLDMAN! The rope cuts deep into Goldman's chest, but the blood EVAPORATES INTO RED MIST before it can touch anything.

WW: Jesus, it's getting hot as hell in here.

J.R.: And we're not even in the ring! Imagine what it's like inside that cage!

Goldman is able to catch the rope and pulls Arschloch to him, turns and then Stone Cold's arms UPPERCUT Arschloch! Arschloch lets go of the rope and stumbles and Goldman goes on the offensive, landing punch after punch to Arschloch's face and chest. Goldman looks up at the Faggotron and sees there are still 40 minutes left, but the temperature in the ring is already at 487 degrees Fahrenheit! He needs to wrap this up before his blood boils in his veins!

BUT ARSCHLOCH WON'T LET HIM AS HE LANDS A CRUSHING HOOK TO GOLDMAN'S FACE. The fumes from his boiling blood causes Goldman to vomit. Before Goldman can fall, Arschloch grabs his hair and lifts him up. "You're pathetic. Did you really think you stood a chance against me? I ought to put you out of my misery." Arschloch rapidly stabs Goldman in the gut over and over and then throws him to the ground. He doesn't realize his mistake until Goldman rolls over and displays the wounds which have burned close. Stone Cold's unburnable arms shield Goldman's back from the fire temporarily.

WW: Arschloch has it in the bag now. Goldman has been on the defensive almost the whole time and even though the wounds are cauterized, the damage has been done.

J.R.: Indeed, Warrior. It's going to take a miracle for Goldman to win now.

Goldman looks up to see the temperature is up to 1000 degrees. There's no way he can go on. He looks to the side and people in the front rows are starting to combust. The zombies smell the burning human flesh and are agitated again. Arschloch kicks Goldman in the side and Goldman rolls into the bars of the cage. "Goldman! Goldman! Goldman!" The fans chant his name. Holocaust survivors sit together in a corner of the arena, supporting the World's Strongest Jew. Goldman is touched that such mentally strong Jews are cheering him on, but he can't win. His tears boil away as soon as he cries them. He blacks out and lets the cold touch of death embrace him.

FUCK THAT!

Stone Cold's arms push Goldman into the air and they start punching Arschloch in his goddamned fucking face. Arschloch tries to block with his good arm, but Stone Cold just FUCKING BREAKS HIS ARM WITH A PUNCH. Stone Cold grabs Arschloch by his LONG FAGGOT HAIR and throws him to the grating smashing his head into the glowing red metal. Every time Arschloch's head rises, a grid of third degree burns can be seen, charred, black flesh flaking away and falling off. Then Stone Cold picks Arschloch up and throws him into the ropes and on the rebound FUCKING CLOTHESLINES HIM.

J.R.: What a turnaround!

WW: Arschloch's face is ruined!

Arschloch gets up, FUCKING PISSED, his face falling apart, but all he gets in response is TWIN FINGERS FROM STONE COLD. Arschloch charges, but Stone Cold uses his momentum to throw him into the turnbuckle for a LOU THESZ PRESS! While mounted on Arschloch, he starts punching the shit out of his face. Stone Cold then gives the crowd THE FUCKING FINGER AGAIN!

J.R.: It looks like Goldman is channeling the Texas Rattlesnake! He's the only man who could deliver a Lou Thesz press as brutal as that one.

WW: Don't let that move fool you, J.R. Goldman is still a Jew at heart.

Arschloch stabs one side of Goldman's torso and grabs the other while Stone Cold is grandstanding, and then slams him hard to the floor. More people further back in the audience start exploding into fireballs as the heat breaks 1500 degrees. The zombies struggle harder against the fences, but the people in those seats just mock them and egg them on.

Arschloch looks at his broken arm, bent even further out of place by the exertion of throwing Goldman. Arschloch bites his wrist and then pulls, setting the bone back in place. "It's over, Jude. I make a toilet with your bones and shit in your skull." Goldman stands back up, angry.

"Your reign of terror is what's over, Arschloch. This is for Anne Frank and all the other Jews who died in the Holocaust. This is for the people you've slaughtered to get where you are!" Goldman sprints and dodges Arschloch's wild swing of his bone spear. "Jew jistu, penny pinch!" Goldman reaches out and pinches the nerves in Arschloch's legs, making them fall out from under him.

Goldman reaches down and grabs Arschloch around his waist and yells, "Jew jistu, bagleplex!" He suplexes the giant German and then leg drops him.

J.R.: No matter what happens, Arschloch is countered. I've never seen Goldman so determined to win!

WW: Someone must have promised him a penny if he won.

Goldman allows Arschloch to get back up and then gives him THE TWIN FINGERS. Arschloch charges in blind anger and Goldman boots him in the gut. "JEW JITSU, COLD JEW STUNNER!"

J.R.: STUNNER! STUNNER! BAH GAWD, GOLDMAN GAVE HIM THE STUNNER!

Arschloch twitches on the ground and Goldman rolls him up for the pin. One-two-three!

J.R.: GOLDMAN WINS! GOLDMAN WINS!

Goldman rises to his feet as the flames are extinguished, and raises his arms in triumph! He did it! He's the FTUW champion! The cage starts going back up to the rafters, but some FUCKING commotion breaks out!

J.R.: My God, is that what it looks like?

WW: I knew coming here was a bad idea. Jesus Christ.

The cage starts swinging in the air, ZOMBIES CRAWLING ALONG THE TOP! The technician in charge of raising and lowering the cage has been DEVOURED! Finally, the chain BREAKS and the cage falls, breaking the barrier between the living and non-living fans! The zombies crawl over in droves while the humans flee for their lives!

J.R.: Oh God, I'm having Night of 1,000 D'Lo flashbacks. (J.R. has a FUCKING SEIZURE)

RRM: (pulls out a shotgun and starts fighting off a zombie) He think he's bad and ain't got no class! I'm gon' rock this shotgun up his muthafuckin' ass!

FTUW security waits for the go-ahead from Mr. McHarris before they begin engaging the zombie horde. In the meantime, hundred are eaten. Entrails lie here and there all around the Murdertorium and the steps are like waterfalls of blood. Finally, after conversing with Hard'Rok, the security force opens fire on the zombies, decimating them. But the zombie arms, legs and heads that are shot off JUST MULTIPLY THE DANGER!

Goldman is shocked and then looks up to see the zombies attacking the Holocaust survivors! "Nooooooooooo!" Goldman yells and sprints up, dispatching every zombie he sees. He finally makes it up to the Holocaust survivors, but they survive no more. Only one has not been completely eaten! Using all four of his arms, he gives four zombies Stunners and then carries the last Holocaust survivor into the halls, which haven't been overrun yet.

"You're a real mensch, Goldman," the old man says. "I'm proud of what you did today. It makes all of the suffering I went through worth it." He dies in Goldman's arms.

"Nooooooooooooo!"

James Brock McHarris enters the arena through the skylight and begins a rampage that is beyond human comprehension, as thousands of zombies are powerbombed and piledrived into oblivion. All the while, shouts of, "Come on, you goddamn shitfuckers, bring it on!" can be heard throughout the stadium.