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FTUW'S MUSCLE ROCK (#11)

 
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Ryoko's Biatch
Joined: 04 Jan 2007
Posts: 9255
(Mon Feb 19, 2007 9:11 pm)
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Post     FTUW'S MUSCLE ROCK (#11)

The screen is black. One can faintly hear the sound of a heartbeat growing louder and louder. FROM OUT OF NOWHERE, a guitar begins to squeal violently as the letters "F T U W" grow from a single white dot in the center of the screen. AS THE GUITAR'S SQUEAL REACHES ITS BREAKING POINT, THE LETTERS VIBRATE RETARDEDLY UNTIL THEY EXPLODE. The song is "Arcane Death Explosion" by Viscerape. The lead singer, Leitch, belts out a MONSTROUS GROAN in tune to footage of Ant King viciously raping Corey Nguyen.

#Graaaaaaaaaahh!!#

Handsomus R. Awesome and Theldorrin XIII trade titanic blows in the center of the ring. Sella Phayne slaps his chest, mouthing off while pointing his 9mm at the camera. A shot of the Jack Masterson getting impaled in the face with a SPEAR is followed by Puff Ryder FIRING OFF HIS EXTENDED BONG into Phayne's pick-up.

#COME-ON-COME-ON-COME-ON-COME-OOONNNRAAARGH!#

Baron Hoity von Toity DROPS AN ELBOW ONTO SAKETUMI'S SKULL. Masterson hurls a hatchet that flies into the mouth of the Minister of Beards, Guan Fei. Ooka Jooka flies HIGH ABOVE THE ARENA, his dick trailing behind him. Handsomus and Theldorrin clash CHARIOTS AT HIGH SPEEDS. Jonesie slashes off the many arms of Norman Bald-win, spewing forth decayed ooze and dried blood. Fancy Lala rolls around on the floor, shitting his pants, before the footage switches over to Kuroda plucking out Jonesie's eyeball with his toes.

#The RAAAAAPE! THE MURDAAAAAH! THE RAPE AND THE MURDDAAH MURDER RAAAPE!#

Krystol stands on the CELL IN THE HELL, Non-American Championship raised above his head. The giant hand of Apathetic Arschloch's DAD CRUSHES HIM INTO EL TIGRE! Saketumi and Jack Daniels HEADBUTT EACH OTHER OVER AND OVER, CAUSING THE GROUND AT THEIR FEET TO CRACK! Theldorrin XIV hovers above FUCK MOUNTAIN, wielding a massive MOLTEN BOULDER. Moloch Arschloch bites off Saito's fingers. Bin Destruction CRASHES DOWN FROM OUTER SPACE and collides into Puff Ryder's chest. Daniels hits both Theldorrin and Saketumi with bursts of flames. Rakkyu Saketumi stands unconscious, dead, in his friends' arms, gripping the World Title belt tightly. The ANT KING fires his sniper rifle, NEARLY DECAPITATING Charles Bronson. The music reaches it CRESCENDO and the FTUW logo BURSTS THROUGH A BRICK WALL, spurting blood from the hole for some reason. The screen fades to black.

FTUW Entertainment 2006. All Rights Reserved.

The camera swoops down from the rafters and PANS OVER THE FUCKING PUMPED CROWD in Stone Cold Steve Austin, Texas, in the STUNNERTORIUM (dedicated to the memory of Debra Williams). Austin's symbol, THE AUSTIN 3:16 SMOKING SKULL, descends from the RAFTERS over the FTUW DRUNK ZONE and VOMITS UP several hundred gallons of beer, immediately killing several fans.

J.R.: Hello folks, this is good ol' J.R. with the indomitable Warrior Warrior at FTUW's Muscle Rock!

W.W.: That's right, J.R.! Let's not waste anymore time and get this show on the road!

The camera pans over to the SUPERSTAR ENTRANCE, displaying the two GIGANTIC, MUSCULAR ARMS that are interlocked in an ARM WRESTLING FASHION. The arms, made entirely out of COW LEATHER, stuffed with hamburger and a HIGH-TECH METAL SKELETON, begins VIBRATING VIOLENTLY. The fans are IN A FERVOR as tons of STROBE LIGHTS BEGIN FUCKING FLASHING and sirens are going off. Suddenly, the BICEPS ON THE ARMS EXPLODE, SPEWING OUT BLOOD AND MEAT. From the fucking holes EMERGE VISCERAPE in FULL GLAM ROCK REGALIA. Leitch, sporting GREASY BLACK, FEATHERED HAIR tied back with a RED HEADBAND screams "OOOOHHHHHH YEAAAAAAAAAH!!" as he flies out riding a STALLION. The lesser members of the bands, all wearing LEATHER PANTS and LEATHER VESTS, neon-colored STREAMERS and SILVER STUDS adorning their outfits, slide out onto the stage. The bassist, CURTIS (THE HUGE BLACK GUY FROM MAD BULL), sports a bass guitar fashioned out of a chainsaw and SPORTS A BLONDE MOHAWK. Groupies are furiously attacking HIS CROTCH as he salivates retardedly while THRASHING. THE DRUMMER, EMPEROR FUCK, is covered in SCARS and has a DEFORMED FACE under his fake, FEATHERED MOP. He slams Keith Moon's femurs into his DRUMS. After the DRUM SOLO, he sets his head on fire and tosses snare drum into crowd, inexplicably exploding into a flurry of nails that pierce random fans. A live wolverine plays the keyboard. Leitch, FRONT MAN, LEAD GUITARIST, AND VOCALIST, starts slapping his SOLID-GOLD GUITAR against the GIANT BULGE RUNNING DOWN HIS THIGH while WIGGLING HIS TONGUE (which has been surgically replaced with a snake). He grabs the MICROPHONE and fucking BLASTS RAWKRA from his GUITAR. With a POWERFUL WAIL, he BELTS OUT A HIGH-PITCH SHRIEK INTO THE MICROPHONE.

#MUSCLE ROCK!
MUSCLE ROCK! (burning da rah!)
MUSCLE ROCK!
MUSCLE ROCK! (a keepin' kah!)
MUSCLE ROCK!
MUSCLE ROCK! (raaawk!)#

With that, several fans explode from OVERSATURATION OF PURE RAWKRA. The platform that the band is performing on somehow BEGINS LEVITATING. THE BAND ROCKETS OUT OF THE ARENA ON THE FLOATING PLATFORM AND FLIES THROUGH THE ROOF.

J.R.: What a performance! FTUW's very own Viscerape bringin' the house down!

J.R.: Folks, before we get into our first match, let me introduce to you our special guest commentator for the night. He is the People's Champion, The Rock!

#CAN YOU SMELLLLLLLLLL ... WHAT THE ROCK ... IS COOKIN'?#

The Rock appears on the stage in an EXPENSIVE LOOKING SUIT and dramatically removes his sunglasses and cocks his eyebrow. People start going nuts and the Rock slowly saunters to the booth, taking around fifteen to twenty seconds to reach his destination that's only thirty feet from the entrance. The Rock pretends like he's going to sit down but then JERKILY PAUSES to a standing position and INHALES the air, saturated with particles of whiskey, sweat, and blood, into his nostrils.

The Rock: THE ROCK ... IS FINALLY ... BAAAAACK ... IN TEXAS!

J.R.: Yes.

W.W.: Todd Lightning is heading to the ring to announce the first match.

Lightning: Coming to the ring first, weighing in at a combined weight of over THREE HUNDRED POUNDS ... Robert McCoy and Jack "The Hatchet" Masterson!

Tough Boy begins playing over the speakers and Robert McCoy jogs to the ring wearing a hooded sweatshirt. Once reaching the middle of the entrance map, he sees the nearby camera man and fires off a towards it that barely reaches above his waist. McCoy climbs onto the apron and ducks under the top rope, awkwardly catching his boot on the middle rope for a few seconds.

J.R.: Where's that no good sonuvabitch Masterson? Has he ditched his teammate!

W.W.: Of course not, J.R.! As we all know, Masterson has entered all of his matches by inexplicably exploding out of someone. Just give him some time!

J.R.: Well, without Masterson, this doesn't look too good for the perennial underdog Robert McCoy. His neck ain't thicker than a stack of dimes!

W.W.: That's because this Jap-loving retard thinks he can get by on using Tae-Kwon-Rice-Slant-Fag-Fuck. Let me tell you something, J.R. and also America, look at how skinny he is and also look at how skinny Asians are. Coincidence? And now look at me.

Warrior Warrior flexes and his suit explodes off his body.

W.W.: Do you think some prick like can beat an Adonis like myself? Of course not, it's fucking science. And although I don't believe in science, the fact still remains.

J.R.: I think you got a point there, Warrior.

W.W.: Of course I do, J.R.! Jesus, looking at that fucking skinny as non-American stupid p/c shit goddamnit I'm going to go work out shit.

Lightning: And their opponents, weighing in at over 850 pounds ... Shohei "Giant" Baba and "The Burning Fighting Spirit" Atonio Inoki!

Atonio Inoki and Shohei Baba walk slowly from the entrance through a cloud of smoke. Following them is none other than Burgess Meredith, ressurected by Dr. Daniel Mented.

J.R.: Where the hell are all these dead celebrities coming from?

As the two Japanese giants and the guy who played the Penguin on the 60's Batman show make their way to the ring, The Rock has wandered away from the booth and is now confronting the three men.

"Yes? How can I be helping you?" Baba asks The Rock who simply stands there, twisting his head in random directions while his eyes are closed.

"Do you like ... bacon?" The Rock asks. The fans begin to start going NUTS despite having no idea what's going on.

"Uh ... bakinu ...?" Baba replies.

"It is American food made from pig," Inoki whispers to him, "You must be agreeing or you will offend American dark man." Baba nods repeatedly.

"Yes."

"Then how about you BACON your ass outta here!" The Rock says with a FLOURISHING SWING OF THE ARM. The fans start shitting all over each other and the two Japanese wrestlers nod politely and continue to the ring.

Inoki and Shohei Baba climb into the ring. McCoy bounces in the corner, throwing punches, while his partner is still nowhere to be seen. Daniel Wojehowski, McCoy's sensei, stands in his corner while eating a hot dog.

"Sensei ... my partner isn't here and once again I'm fighting with Asians!" McCoy shouts.

"Do not worry, Robert-san. Though their tiny eyes may obscure their malevolent intentions, you must not lose the fight before it has even began. If your fist is steady and true, you will be victorious," he says taking another bite out of his hotdog.

"Of course!" McCoy shouts, peering into his fist. Shohei Baba leaps over the ropes with ease and the referee starts the fight, Masterson or not.

Shohei Baba meets McCoy in the middle of the ring and smiles. McCoy looks up into Baba's tiny, BLACK SLITS and his knees weaken. Suddenly, he slams his fists into his thighs and shouts "I will not be intimidated!" McCoy hurls a kick to Baba's shin that doesn't move him.

"Do not think of kicking the leg but think of kicking BEYOND the leg!" Sensei Wojehowski shouts. McCoy kicks again to no avail. Baba effortlessly picks up the tiny man and powerslams into into the mat. McCoy rolls around the ring and pain and crawls over to the corner. He thinks of leaving the ring but sees his sensei standing there and a BURNING DETERMINATION fills his heart. He climbs the second rope and faces Baba.

"No, I have to go further ..." McCoy whispers to himself. MCCOY CLIMBS TO THE TOP ROPE AND STANDS PERCHED.

"Robert-san! No! That technique ... is forbidden!"

"I must!" McCoy shouts! He leaps off the top and sticks his FOOT OUT IN FRONT OF HIM. Baba grabs his leg out of mid-air and begins swinging him. SOON, HIS PNUEMATIC ARMS STRETCH OUT AND HE FLINGS MCCOY INTO THE CROWD! He lands in the upper area and the fans body surf him around before getting bored and throwing him back into the ring.

J.R.: This boy's gettin' an Oklahoma ass-whoopin' if I ever saw one.

Shohei "Giant Baba" turns to his partner and Inoki signals to him to wrap it up. McCoy climbs to his feet, his head hazy, and Baba's jet engines rise up out of the flesh of his back.

"SUPAAAH YAKUZAA KICKUU!" Baba shouts as the JET ENGINES IGNITE. Baba is hurled forward, his FOOT STICKING OUT STRAIGHT AHEAD, at McCoy. McCoy desperately rolls out of the way and Baba collides with the ring post, exploding it. McCoy crawls around the ring and Shohei tags in Inoki.

"Time to finish this," Inoki says. He raises his arms and his PALMS OPEN UP to REVEAL FLAMETHROWERS. McCoy runs around the ring retardedly, panting up a storm. Inoki aims his flamethrowers but nothing happens! Inoki looks on in SHOCK as his arms are turned at his head! The flames ignite, setting Inoki's face ablaze!

"Inoki-san!"

J.R.: Bah Gawd! Inoki set himself on fire!

Suddenly, JACK "THE HATCHET" MASTERSON explodes out of ANTONIO INOKI'S CYBERNETIC BODY, clutching hatchets in his teeth. He rolls onto the mat, staining the mat with blood, and clotheslines Robert McCoy out of the ring. He grabs his hatchets and faces off with the bleeding, flaming headed Antonio Inoki!

W.W.: It's Masterson! He was hiding in that Jap all along!

GRAPPLING HOOKS fire out of Antonio Inoki's cybernetic body and begins SEWING UP THE WOUND. Inoki's metallic jaw lowers and THE FLAMES ARE SUCKED INTO HIS BODY. Inoki exhales the FLAMES INTO A MASSIVE FIREBALL. Masterson CUTS THE FIREBALL IN HALF by tossing his hatchet, causing the flames to ignite the ropes.

Jack "The Hatchet" Masterson charges forward and begins wildly swinging his hatchet. Inoki blocks one hatchet with his cybernetic arm, the blade burying itself deep within his body. Inoki jerks away the hatchet and SLAMS HIS FOOT INTO MASTERSON'S GUT. Masterson vomits while the FOOT IS STILL BURIED IN and Inoki uses this opportunity to ENZIGURI HIM IN THE FUCKING FACE.

"You are nothing without your weapons ..." Inoki says, yanking the hatchet out of his body and crushing it with his fist. "Let us settle this duel with PURORESU!"

Inoki charges and SLAMS A KNEE into Masterson's face. Masterson kips to his feet and clotheslines Inoki, sending him sprawling backwards. However, Inoki's robotic body allows him to stop his descent and somehow STAND with his back parallel to the mat, only a few inches away! Masterson LEAPS and jumps onto Inoki's gut, driving him down! Masterson goes for the cover but Inoki kicks out before the referee can start a count!

J.R.: Even without weapons, Masterson is holding his own!

Inoki spits out some blood and grapples with Masterson. Inoki executes a Northern Lights Suplex with ease. Inoki picks up Masterson again and GERMAN SUPLEXES him hard into the mat. While dazed, Inoki hits the ropes, REBOUNDS, and goes for a FLYING LEG DROP. The leg lands on Masterson's neck but with little impact! The camera pans out to show Inoki's leg severed and Masterson wielding a hatchet!

W.W.: Where the hell did he get another hatchet?!

Inoki tries to hop away on his remaining leg and get the TAG. Masterson begins HOWLING in the corner, leaning backwards and pulsing. SUDDENLY, HANDLES OF HATCHETS BEGIN BURSTING FROM HIS FUCKING FLESH ALL OVER HIS BODY. He grabs two, RIPS THEM OUT OF HIS TORSO, and hurls them. Inoki, HALFWAY ACROSS THE RING, has his other leg severed by the flying blades and collapse. HOWEVER, THE TAG IS STILL MADE, AS BABA USES HIS PNEUMATIC ARMS TO STRETCH ACROSS THE RING.

"Let's end this, Baba!" Inoki shouts as his BODY begins TRANSFORMING. Baba's body begins opening up, REVEALING RED FLESH and CIRCUITRY. Baba grabs Inoki's torso and arms, the lower half detaching, and INSERTS IT into his UPPER BODY. Baba's head snaps back into place and now SHOHEI BABA has FOUR ARMS and Inoki's HEAD JUTTING out of his chest!

J.R.: What the fuck.

Masterson jerks four more HATCHETS from his body and hurls them. Easily INOKI-BABA catches the blades and tosses them out of the ring. In anger, MASTERSON screams and BEGINS JERKING AS MANY FUCKING HATCHETS out of his torso that he can. Inoki-Baba takes a FIRM, WIDE STANCE and cross their arms together. Baba's mouth opens and MASTERSON HURLS TWENTY HATCHETS at once. Baba BEGINS INHALING WITH THE FORCE OF A TORNADO, pulling ring ropes towards his gaping maw. THE HATCHETS fly into his MOUTH and VANISH!

W.W.: THAT FUCKING THING JUST ATE TWENTY HATCHETS!

"SUPAH SOUNDU CANNON!" the TWO HEADS SHOT IN UNISON. A powerful SOUND WAVE EMITS FROM INOKI'S MOUTH, EXHALING WITH IT THE TWENTY HATCHETS. The hatchets fly in random directions, SNAPPING ROPES and decapitating bystanders, WHILE THE SOUND BEAM CRUSHES into MASTERSON'S BODY and RIPS OFF HIS ARMS AND LEGS. Inoki-Baba places a foot on the bleeding body of Masterson and the referee GOES FOR THE COUNT.

OOOOOONE!


TWOOOOOO!


THREEEEEEE!

J.R.: Bah Gawd, they killed him!

McCoy looks up, just recovering now from the clothesline, and seems the ASIAN MONSTROSITY standing over the limbless corpse of Jack "The Hatchet" Masterson. McCoy begins to flee but INOKI-BABA shoots GRAPPLING HOOKS at him. McCoy screams in horror at the GRAPPLING HOOKS hurl towards him but A SHADOWY FIGURE STEPS IN THE WAY. It's his sensei, Daniel Wojehowski!

"Sensei!" McCoy shouts!

The grappling hooks pierce Wojehowski's flesh.

"You ... are not done yet! You must ... live on!" Wojehowski spits up some blood, "You will become ... the chosen one!"

"Senseiii!!"

The grappling hooks tear Wojehowski apart and Wojehowski's dismembered ass shits right in McCoy's face.

Lex Dangerseeker stands backstage, prepared to face one of FTUW’s mightiest intergalactic demons. Sugar begins to cry and clings onto Lex’s arm.

Sugar: Don’t leave, darlin’! How ‘bouts we just forget this medallion business and I make you some fried chicken ‘n grits jus’ the way mama used to.

Lex: As a man, there are some things that can’t be avoided. Don’t worry Sugar. Danger’s my middle name!

Sugar: You mean…

Lex: That’s right. My name is Alexander Danger Dangerseeker!

Dangerseeker walks down to the ring to his John Williams composed theme song. The crowd greets him warmly, considering he’s never killed an innocent bystander in the heat of battle.

Lightning: This match is scheduled for one-fall and is for the ownership of the Medallion of Hades! Hailing from Green River, Wyoming, weighing in at 190 pounds, Lex Dangerseeker!

Dangerseeker puts his custom made fedora on a ring post and begins to stretch. The lights dim and a purple fog begins to fill the arena. The crowd is extremely concerned, given that zombies do in fact tend to result in collateral damage. A large zombie composed of smaller zombies carries Hard’rok to the ring.

Lightning: And from Hell, weighing in at something, Hard’rok!

Before the bell can ring, the large zombie disassembles itself into 5 smaller zombies who immediately climb into the ring after Dangerseeker.

JR: That low down varmint! He’s trying to beat his opponent down before the bell!

Warrior: Such sick, intolerant hate!

Dangerseeker fires a grappling gun that hooks onto one of the rafters and swings over the zombies onto the ring ramp. The zombies shamble after him, taking swipes with their rotting, yet powerful arms. However, Dangerseeker has no trouble nimbly dodging each clumsy attack.

They run backstage where, finally, the zombies corner Dangerseeker. They move in for the kill, but suddenly find them falling into a pit trap! Logs sharpened into spikes impale the zombies and keep them

Dangerseeker: I learned that trick from my encounter with the Sun’qua tribe in South America! Impaling a man always gets the job done!

JR: That Lex Dangerseeker is as crafty as a raccoon under Uncle Henry’s barn!

Lex rushes back to the ring where Hard’rok is calmly waiting for him. The minute Dangerseeker steps in the ring, Hard’rok charges him with his new diamond horns. Surprised, Lex is barely able to sway his body in order to avoid a fatal blow. He’s stabbed in the side and Hard’rok tosses him into the turnbuckle on the other side of the ring. Dangerseeker uses the ropes to help lift himself to his feet as his clutches the bloody wound on his side.

Hard’rok goes for a second charge, but Dangerseeker deftly dodges this one by grabbing onto the horns as he leaps into the air and kicking Hard’rok’s into the turnbuckle. The horns get stuck as Hard’rok fumes and rages. Dangerseeker just smirks and walks over to the other side of the ring and leans against the ring ropes.

Hard’rok finally frees himself as is not unlike a bull that has seen red. Dangerseeker waves his hand, motioning Hard’rok to bring it on. The Cloaked Man complies, charging full steam at his opponent. Once again Dangerseeker dodges, stepping to the side at the last moment. Hard’rok bounces harmlessly into the topes and gets tangled up.

JR: Lex Dangerseeker is quicker than a hiccup!

Warrior: Hard’rok’s mistake is getting too emotional, much like a bleeding heart liberal. It just goes to show you that it takes more than granola and queer marriages to make it in this world!

Acting quickly upon his advantage, Dangerseeker runs to the other side of the ring and grabs the top rope. He stretches it over to where Hard’rok is tangled and ties it around his neck. He uses the other ropes around the ring to tie Hard’rok’s various body parts up. In the end, there are 12 different cables keeping Hard’rok securely fastened in place.

Dangerseeker takes his lasso from his belt and ties it around Hard’rok’s ankles. Leaping onto his back, he yanks on the lasso and is now performing a Boston Crab of sorts with Hard’rok essentially suspended in mid-air by the tension of the ropes!

JR: That’s the Jewel of Denile, Warrior! Bah gawd, he’s gonna rip him in half!

Lex pulls harder on the lasso, trying as hard as he might in order to damage the Cloaked Man’s legs and back. Hard’rok is now screaming and blood strams from his mouth where he bit his own tongue in a fit.

Suddenly, Hard’rok’s long, fiendish tongue rolls out of his mouth. It slithers menacingly and then begins to slap his own shoulder. The referee instantly recognizes what he’s trying to do and calls for the bell to be rung!

Warrior: Is the ref trying to stop Hard’rok from performing some sort of evil ritual?

Lightning: Here is your winner by submission, Lex Dangerseeker!

Lex relinquishes the hold and begins to politely wave to the fans.

JR: I get it now! Hard’rok was tapping out with his own tongue since all his limbs were tied up!

Dangerseeker walks over to Hard’rok and removes the medallion from around his neck. Hard’rok is visibly annoyed, but seems ashamed at the same time. The ref cuts the ring ropes off him with a chainsaw and Hard’rok walks to the back. He makes no attempt to steal his medallion back, knowing he’s lost it fair and square…for now!

Sugar runs to the ring and congratulates her man. Lex fires his grappling gun to the ceiling and he flies up onto the rafters with Sugar clinging onto him. They disappear into the shadows as Lex’s theme plays.

Since there wasn’t a single audience casualty, the ref throws the still running chainsaw into the crowd, killing and maiming a few unlucky folks.

J.R.: As you know, Warrior, Ant King has captivated audiences all across this great land, the good ol' U.S. of A, but he seems to rebel against it. On the other side, we have Krystøl, who has gone out of his way to antagonize the American people. Are these men simply two sides of the same, rotten coin?

WW: Clearly, the Ant King, a real American hero, you can tell because of those great patriotic advertisements he's been putting out, is too humble to accept such praise. It really shows how much character this great young man has. Krystøl, on the other, limp wristed hand, is a queer. His rejection of wholesome American values tells you everything you need to know about this queer and his liberal agenda, to promote "homosexuality" and international "culture" as acceptable, and not deviant, when that is clearly not the case to anyone who has looked with their mind's eyes and seen p/c for what it is; a sham and a hoax. Wool pulled over the eyes of America. But not me, not the Warrior. I see what is really going on here.

J.R.: I suppose, Warrior. At the Great American Cancer Fight, Krystøl was whipped in epic fashion by Theldorrin XIV, and Ant King is coming off of a draw against Charles Bronson, back from the dead. It would seem Ant King has a slight edge in the momentum department, but his opponent has experience on his side.

WW: Yeah, experience having sex with men. Listen, J.R., I know the FTUW in it's infinite wisdom has decided not to count Ant King's dominant victory over Abdullah bin Raghead, but you have to figure that into the equation. The Ant King has to be feeling good about his chances.

J.R.: Speaking of Bin Destruction, he'll be facing his other rival, Goldman, the only wrestler whose merchandise outsells the Ant King's, tonight in a ladder match where the Torah and the Koran will be suspended above the ring for whoever grabs them to do with as they please!

WW: Oh yeah, I can't wait for that bullshit.

J.R.: Me neither, Warrior. Now let's head to the ring with Todd Lightning.

Todd "Brian" Lightning asks the fucking crowd, "ARE YOU READY FOR UNSPEAKABLE VIOLENCE?" The crowd answers in the affirmative through a combination of whooping and hollering as well as vulgar displays of drunken debauchery. One drunk guy, dressed only in an Ant King t-shirt, runs up and down the aisles, furiously masturbating and yelling nonsense. Lightning gives this dude a thumbs up and continues, "First, hailing from Chernobyl, Ukraine, but with the heart and soul of an American, the one, the only, Ant King!"

For several minutes nothing happens and the fans start throwing shit at the ring. Lightning looks around, trying to get some kind of signal from an official, but all he sees are shrugs.

J.R.: What is going on here, Warrior?

WW: The Ant King probably decided that fighting queers wasn't worth his time. That's why I'm not wrestling today, NOT because I'm dead and NOT because I self-destructed, VINCE MCMAHON, YOU ASSHOLE. That DVD is filled with lies!

Finally, Todd Lightning is given the go to announce the match's cancellation and the default victory of Krystøl. As he lifts the microphone up to his mouth, THE ANT KING AND FUCKING PICCOLO STORM OUT FROM UNDERNEATH THE RING! For some reason, he is wearing a shirt with the design of the American flag. The Ant King slides into the ring under the ropes and then kicks Todd Lightning in the fucking junk! He then lifts Lightning up off of the ground and HURLS him into the Spanish announcer's table. He picks up the microphone and speaks!

"Fuck yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, mother bitches! You can boo me all you want," he says to deafening cheers, "but I'm fighting this FAGGOT for AMERICA!!!!!" Piccolo starts clapping. "Piccolo, roll the goddamn tape, dick rape!!!"

Piccolo pulls out a remote control and presses a button. This plays.

"Now you know what I stand for!!!! Krystøl, come on out if you have the GODDAMN BALLS, YOU MOTHER GAY SLAY WITH A TWIST OF HAY!!!!!!!!!"

WW: That video brought tears to my eyes, J.R.

J.R.: I don't even know what to say anymore.

Krystøl comes out to his music, once again wearing his Non-American silk robe. A chant of U.S.A. fills the arena as Krystøl drinks a soy latte with extra foam on the walkway, with a smug look on his face. When he gets near the ring, he throws the scalding hot liquid in a child's eyes.

WW: (angry grunting)

Krystøl leaps into the ring and Piccolo and Ant King attack him before he can mount a defense! The bell rings as they stomp him mercilessly! Krystøl rolls over, tripping Piccolo, and then gets to his feet. While Piccolo is down, Krystøl delivers an elbow drop with the sharp point landing directly on Piccolo's jugular! He kicks Piccolo out of the ring and then spits on him. While he's spitting, Ant King axe handles him and then irish whips him into the opposite ropes. Using the momentum, Krystøl jumps and shoulder blocks the Ant King!

J.R.: The action has been fast and furious so far, but Krystøl has taken advantage of the pace!

WW: I'd make a joke about queers right now, but I'm pissed!

Krystøl finally removes his silk robe and taunts the audience, showing off the map on the back. While his back is turned, the Ant King gets up and pulls out his AK-47! The bullets fucking fly but they only bounce off of Krystøl diamond shell! Krystøl continues smiling smugly in response! The Ant King gets hella pissed about this shit and then cracks Krystøl about the face with the butt of the AK, shattering the wood! Krystøl grabs his own face and then pulls his hand away to see his own blood.

"You fucking animal! How dare you touch my face!" He raises his hands and fires off a stream of precious gems from his palms THAT ONLY FUCKING BOUNCE OFF OF THE ANT KING'S HARD EXOSKELETON!

J.R.: Unbelievable! It seems they're even in the armor department! What will make the difference in the match?

WW: I'm sure it won't be something involving deviant sexual acts, so Ant King clearly has the advantage.

Krystøl, seeing the futility of his attack, resorts to fisticuffs, and punches the Ant King in the goddamned face. The Ant King reels and then is dropped kick, again in the goddamned face! He lands on the ropes and hangs on to keep from falling. Krystøl refuses to let him rest, though, and headbutts him over the ropes and outside of the ring. Krystøl goes back to homoerotic showboating, thrusting his hips and running his fingers along his lips, leaving his opponent to be counted out.

WW: (foams at the mouth)

Outside the ring, Piccolo helps his boss up to his feet. He's holding his neck with one hand, trying desperately to keep the blood in. "Boss, while you were fighting, I prepared something for you! Here, put these on your hands!!!"

While Krystøl is doing his gay sex thingy, he notices the count out has stopped! He turns around and then gets punched in his stupid faggot face! Blood runs down his forehead into his eyes and then he's punched again! THE ANT KING HAS THE JEWELS FROM KRYSTØL'S ATTACK TAPED TO HIS FISTS! They were able to penetrate the thick, diamond crust!

"Jet Li Kung Fu Strike!"

Krystøl looks up in horror, "No! Noooo!"

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAA, MOTHER BITCH!"

Hundreds of punches fly in seconds, smashing through the feeble defenses Krystøl musters, slicing through with the help of Krystøl's own gems. Blood covers his entire body and he falls to the ground, the entire canvas splattered with his sick, deviant plasma. The Ant King takes advantage of his foe's unconsciousness to anally rape him into submission. "Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!"

J.R.: Jesus Christ. I'm sorry folks, this is wholly unacceptable.

WW: What are you saying!? This is just what that liberal QUEER needed, a taste of his own goddamned medicine! You show him, Ant King!

The Rock: This brings a whole new meaning to the Rock Bottom, am I right? (uncomfortable laughter)

This raping has revived Krystøl, who suddenly looks up at the faces of the people, laughing at his misfortune! "Nooo! I'm never the bottom! My sweet anus!" He clenches his ass with such GODDAMNED FUCKING FORCE, the diamonds cut off the Ant King's fucking dick!

"SHIT MOTHER FUCK GODDAMN!!!!"

Krystøl shits the Ant King's dick at him and then uppercuts him off his feet!

J.R.: Bah gawd! Bah gawd! I've never seen anything like that in my life!

WW: (stunned silence)

The Ant King floats through the air in slow motion, the shit from his dick sticks to his face. A single tear runs down his cheek. Some vaguely emotional music from Metal Gear Solid 2 plays in the background. "My ... My dick ... He cut off my dick ..."

The Ant King remembers raping bitches with his magnificent dick. He high fives Piccolo, who just brought him some whores. Then he sees the whores, they are all old and riddled with STDs. He kicks Piccolo's ass, but then has sex with the whores anyway. He remembers his childhood. His dick was the envy of all the other ants in the colony. Even the Queen, who had all of the best dicks in Ukraine, was impressed. His dick was the symbol of his pride. But now it was gone. Gone forever.

"What can I do now? Now that my dick is gone?"

The Ant King hits the mat, his spirit crushed more than his body. He looks over to his side to see Piccolo, crying uncontrollably. He then looks up and sees Krystøl closing in for the pin. He closes his eyes and prays for death. His life is over anyway.

BUT THEN SOMETHING FUCKING HAPPENS.

Piccolo jumps into the ring and clotheslines Krystøl and turns to the Ant King. "Boss! Boss, get up! EAT MY SHIT FOR POWER!"

Piccolo's special diet of Bi-Lo cheese has provided his shit with SPECIAL FUCKING PROPERTIES. He squats over the Ant Kings head and lets loose with a fucking TORRENT of RUNNY SHIT. The Ant King swallows it down and feels a wave of energy flow through his body. Something is happening to him! "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA, MOTHER BITCHES!!!!!!!!!"

WW: Yes! You can do it, Ant King!

J.R.: I'd be inspired by all of that if it didn't involve eating shit.

The Rock: ...

The Ant King leaps to his feet, his aura visible! Krystøl is also recovering from the blow that Piccolo delivered. He stands up and clenches his fists in anger. The Ant King smiles and says, "SUCK IT, BITCH!!!" He raises his arms AND A NEW, GIANT DICK FLIES OUT OF THE HOLE FROM HIS OLD DICK! The new dick shoots out, harder than fucking diamonds, and goes through Krystøl's fucking chest! The Ant King then ejaculates all over the crowd.

J.R.: This is very disturbing.

WW: This is fucking AWESOME!

Krystøl falls to the mat and the Ant King pins him. One-two-three!

The bell rings and the Ant King stands, his arms raised in victory!

J.R.: Jesus, this is terrible.

WW: The hell it is!

J.R.: This next match will settle the feud between the Israelis and the Palestinians. I'm just kidding, folks.

WW: Like a Jew and an Arab could have a MEANINGFUL conversation. It's all this crazy ching chong talk about money and suicide bombs. Get real, people. Let's just nuke the Middle East and move on with our lives.

The Rock: (raises eyebrow and the fans cheer)

J.R.: Yes, well, Goldman vs. Bin Destruction in a ladder match for control of holiest of holy texts after the New Testament. Whoever wins can do with them as they please!

WW: Really, the Torah and the Koran, more like the MORAN, are fabrications of the p/c liberal media. I'm not sure how many people out there know this, but several journalists in the '60s got together to write these books in order to stir up trouble. They've been brainwashing the masses ever since so now we think these things have been around for thousands of years! Give me a break!

J.R.: Do you really believe that?

WW: Don't question me, asshole.

J.R.: Uh, well, on to the match.

Todd Lightning stands in the ring wearing a yarmulke (His real name is Jacob Liebowitz.) "Coming to the ring first, from New York City, New York, weighing in at 220 pounds, GOOOOOOOLDMAN!" Goldman walks to the ring with Olympas, still worried about his pupil. Jewish music plays (I don't know the names of any Jewish songs, but one is totally playing) and a couple wearing Goldman shirts are being held aloft in chairs by dancing people. The camera pans over the audience, and 90% of them are wearing Goldman t-shirts, even though they were not before. The remaining 10% are either shirtless, drunken rednecks or dead people who have not been removed from their seats yet to be replaced by living fans.

"And some guy, from some place filled with sand. You know who I'm talking about." The crowd starts booing as clips play on the Faggotron of the World Trade Center towers collapsing and then Daniel Pearl being murdered. The only soundtrack is the horror-filled screams of Americans and of reporters breaking down in tears. Then the Faggotron screen explodes, showering people with glass and steel, and Bin Destruction flies out in a tiny plane. On the back of the plane, behind Bin Destruction, sits Zacarias Moussaoui, who Bin Destruction helped break out of prison earlier that day. "You'll never get my blood! God curse you all!" Moussaoui yells as he crashes the plane into the crowd, fulfilling his destiny.

J.R.: Good God!

WW: Noooooooooooo!

Bin Destruction emerges from the carnage unscathed and proceeds to the ring.

Both fighters stand in the ring, staring the other down, as trained FTUW technicians set up the ladder in the middle of the canvas. Then the Torah and the Koran are lowered from the rafters, stopping a few feet above the top of the ladder. "Prepare of death, Zionist pig," Bin Destruction says to his opponent from across the ring, "Allah akbar!"

"Your silly Muslim catchphrases are as empty as your soul," Goldman replies while adjusting his yarmulke. "That's assuming you even have souls."

Bin Destruction pulls out his box cutter and charges Goldman with murder in his eyes! The referee tries to stop bin Destruction, but the angry raghead decapitates him!

J.R.: Already this match is intense! In fact, you could say it has RAW INTENSITY, available for the Xbox 360 and Playstation 2 now, where you can play as Bin Destruction and Goldman!

WW: Not that you'd want to.

The bell rings while Bin Destruction is charging and Goldman suddenly feels a jolt of energy enter his body; THE SPIRIT OF ARIEL SHARON. He karate chops Bin Destruction's hand, making him drop the box cutter, and then kicks him in the head. Bin Destruction rolls to the ground and lands at the foot of the ladder. He starts climbing, but the Sharon-powered Goldman drop kicks the ladder out from under him! But that only plays into bin Destruction's plans as he falls for an elbow drop on the prone Goldman!

As Bin Destruction gets back to his feet, he hears a voice in his ear, "Very good, Mohammad," the voice says in Arabic, "But let me lend you my strength so that we may slay the infidel." Suddenly, Bin Destruction is filled with the spirit of Yasser Arafat! He begins stomping on Goldman/Sharon's midsection and Goldman coughs up blood. Sharon, sensing the spirit of his sworn enemy, drives Goldman to leg sweep Arafat and then kip to his feet.

The two battling spirits talk while trading blows that reduce their human hosts to mush. "So you discovered my plan and took control of Goldman before I could make him lose the match? It doesn't matter, Bin Destruction is Allah's chosen warrior, the man who will reduce the Zionist state to rubble," Arafat informs Sharon. Sharon only laughs, "You should know that even in the afterlife, Mossad is very good at its work, Arafat. I'm going to stop you in the name of the Lord!"

Bin Destruction/Arafat punches Goldman/Sharon in the gut and then lifts him off of the ground and then bodyslams him outside of the ring. Bin Destruction pushes the ladder over to the side of the ring and climbs to the top to deliver an aerial 9/11!

J.R.: Bah gawd! It could be over already!

WW: As much as it pains me to support a Jew, Goldman can't lose to this godless monster.

The Rock: It's just wrestling, guys. Relax.

J.R. and WW: (stare at the Rock with hatred in their eyes)

Bin Destruction drops from over 20 feet in the air headfirst straight for Goldman's chest! Just as he closes in, Goldman's arms shoot up and catch him by the head and then throw him to the side! Bin Destruction's skull cracks open and blood runs along the ground. Goldman takes this opportunity to get back into the ring and climb the ladder to get a hold of the Torah and Koran! While Goldman is halfway up the ladder, Bin Destruction pulls a cell phone out of his pocket and dials a number. "Proceed with the plan."

Thousands of miles away in Jerusalem, at Hadassah hospital, an Arab man walks up to a hospital room and opens the door. Inside of the room lies the comatose body of Ariel Sharon! He pulls out some fucking jumper cables and attach them to Sharon's chest and then he turns them on, shocking Sharon into consciousness! At that fucking INSTANT Goldman falls off the ladder.

"Ha ha! You've fallen into my checkmate!" Bin Destruction yells.

J.R.: What just happened? Why did Goldman fall off the ladder?

WW: Too much time stealing pennies from orphans and not enough time in the gym.

"And now, I will increase the power of Bin Destruction!" Bin Destruction jumps into the ring, still bleeding like a fountain, and pulls Goldman up to his feet. Goldman is still feeling the effects of his fall and dispossession and is thusly too weak to resist as Bin Destruction takes a fucking BITE OUT OF HIS NECK. The 100% Jewcitiness of the blood super-charges Bin Destruction's terrorist system and his strength grows a hundred fold! His beard bursts into flames!

WW: Usually when an Arab bursts into flames, I'm happy, but I don't like the looks of this!

J.R.: And neither can Goldman! Not to mention, he just had a chunk of his flesh eaten.

Bin Destruction, still under the control of Yasser Arafat, punches Goldman in the chest and sends him flying out of the ring. He looks at his fist and says, "This is the ultimate power of the Super Arab. They only appear once in a generation and then, their power can only be activated by ingesting blood with a Jewcitiness of over 90%. Usually only Jewish babies can provide this level of power, but Goldman is a unique specimen with a 100% Jewcitiness level. His own Jewishness will be his downfall."

J.R.: What an informative monologue!

Olympas watches in horror. He heard about the Super Arabs that attacked during the Six Day War. If they had attacked any other nation but Israel, it might have been a problem, but Israel had the one thing that could stop a Super Arab in abundance; Kosher deli meats. He hated to waste his lunch that his cousin Isaac had prepared for him, but it was the only way to save Goldman! He would cut the sandwich in half for the purposes of destroying the Super Arab. Perhaps quarters. He rushes backstage to get the bagged lunch.

Meanwhile, Bin Destruction flies over to Goldman, who is lying in the crowd, barely conscious. Goldman is surrounded by fans cheering him on, but suddenly they are all engulfed in flames as Bin Destruction makes his burning beard grow into an inferno! The audience members are all reduced to charred skeletons, but somehow, being Jewish, Goldman was relatively unharmed. His rabbi outfit was burned to ashes, exposing the arms of Stone Cold Steve Austin.

WW: I was under the impression Jews burned better than that.

J.R.: God, we are going to be sued.

Bin Destruction begins punching Goldman at very high speeds, so fast that you cannot even see his hands except as blurs! Goldman coughs up blood while Bin Destruction yells, "Smash it up, smash it up!" Bin Destruction laughs and then throws Goldman's body back into the ring.

"Not so strong now, are you, Goldman?" Bin Destruction pulls an object from his flaming beard, a suicide bomb! He flies over to Goldman and straps it to his chest. He then pulls another object out of his beard, the detonator! "Goodbye, Goldman. The strongest Jew will now meet the rest of the Zionist pigs in hell."

BUT BEFORE HE CAN DO ANYTHING, A SLICE OF SALAMI HITS HIM IN THE FACE! Smoke rises up and the skin underneath the meat bubbles. Bin Destruction starts yelling and clawing at his face while Olympas stands on the entrance ramp with a look of satisfaction on his face. Bin Destruction falls to the mat and his beard is extinguished.

J.R.: Good save by Goldman's manager!

WW: I'm very confused right now.

Arafat curses the old Jew, but then remembers there is plenty of Jewish blood laying at his feet. He can regain his power with relative ease.

Back in Jerusalem, Ariel Sharon is seizing in his bed. He realizes the dirty trick Arafat pulled on him, but he's powerless here in a hospital bed. There is only one thing he can do. He looks at the Arab who revived him with contempt, the Arab man smiling manically.

Arafat crawls over to Goldman, Bin Destruction's body weakened by the kosher meat, and prepares for another taste of the Jewish blood. As he starts to take a bite, he's punched in the face, away from Goldman. Goldman leaps to his feet and then kicks the Arab in the face. "You thought you could get rid of me, Arafat?"

"No! It cannot be! I took care of you!"

"I still had enough motor control to pull the plug and kill myself. Now I'm going to kill you!"

Goldman folds up the ladder and then starts beating Bin Destruction with it. Sharon takes note of Bin Destruction's physical state and decides that he's in no condition to resist any longer. He will move on to the afterlife and give the nice boy a taste of victory. But first he will take care of Arafat. Sharon's spirit flies out of Goldman's body and pulls Arafat out of Bin Destruction's. The two ghosts start punching each other and then fade away.

J.R.: This is a truly bizarre match. Nothing these two are saying makes a lick of sense.

WW: Like I said, they're all ching chong with the money and terrorism.

Bin Destruction returns to his senses and wonders how he got here. The last thing he remembers is charging Goldman with his box cutter. But then he sees a drop of blood before him and prays to Allah that it belongs to Goldman. He crawls over and licks it up and his beard begins sparking to life.

Goldman drops the ladder on Bin Destruction's head, equally confused. He's been losing huge stretches of time ever since he issued the challenge to Bin Destruction. He must have picked up some kind of disease or something from hanging out with that black goy. While the ladder was on Bin Destruction's head, he decided to do a leg drop onto the ladder, smashing the Arab's head further. Then the ladder and Goldman are hurled into the air as the Super Arab is revived!

J.R.: Bin Destruction seems to have regained his power!

WW: That's it, I'm going to go get a beer.

With those words, the spirit of Stone Cold's arms is brought to life! The arms make Goldman spin around giving everyone the finger and when Bin Destruction flies in to attack, he gives him a Lou Thesz press! When Bin Destruction recovers, he kicks him to the midsection, putting out the last of the flame, and then delivers the fucking STONE COLD STUNNER!

J.R.: STUNNER! STUNNER! THE GODDAMN STONE COLD STUNNER! It's over!

Bin Destruction can only watch helplessly as Goldman climbs up the ladder backward and pulls down the Koran with Stone Cold's hand. The other hand then rips out a few pages and shoves them up Goldman's ass. As Bin Destruction looks on with horror, he has a seizure and then explodes into sand and dust and camel shit.

J.R.: The horror of seeing his holy book defiled caused Bin Destruction to explode! Goldman wins! Goldman wins!

WW: Look, that's what Arabs do, they explode.

J.R.: Well, Warrior, it's Non-American Title time.

WW: Just, fuck, just ... I hope the black guy wins. I'm tired of these chinky assholes ruining this federation.

J.R.: I think you have to like Guan Fei in this match-up, though. Puff Ryder has been proving himself in mid-card fights, but Guan Fei has gone up against the big boys and come out with all of his limbs still attached.

WW: I don't have to like anything! That's why I live in fucking America, Jim.

"Coming to the ring first, our challenger, Rasheed Young, THE PUFF RYDER!" Puff Ryder flies through the entrance on a cloud of smoke to the Academy Award-winning song "It's Hard Out Here for A Pimp" by Three 6 Mafia. Juicy J, Crunchy Black and DJ Paul stand on the ramp performing while that robot guy from Chappelle's Show dances. Puff Ryder jumps off of the cloud of weed smoke into the ring and gives Todd Lightning dap.

WW: Geez, did someone tell those guys their welfare checks were here?

J.R.: Warrior, those guys won an Oscar!

WW: They give Oscars to black people?

"And the champion, from Nanjing, Neo Shu, China, the Bearded Prince, GUAAAAAAN FEI!" Guan Fei rides African Dream to the ring at a slow gallop, waving to the crowd with the Non-American belt slung over his shoulder. His gesture is met with boos, which shocks and appalls the members of Guan Fei's court in attendance. They say many mean things in a slant language about the fans. Guan Fei takes it in stride, expecting such a welcome.

"It is only natural considering I destroyed their role model, Jack Daniels," he thinks to himself.

J.R.: There goes the bell! This should be a real slobberknocker!

Puff Ryder begins the action by lighting a doob. Guan Fei finds this distasteful and waves the smoke away, "This is far from the appropriate time to engage in celebratory smoking, Puff Ryder, especially considering your immanent demise!" But for some reason, no matter how much Guan Fei tries to disperse the smoke, more accumulates until there is an impenetrable fog!

WW: What the hell kind of p/c liberal garbage is this? We came here to see a fight!

J.R.: Perhaps this is Puff Ryder's strategy?

WW: What? To hide his shame at being defeated by a chink? Good job, man. Wait, I forgot that your kind hates jobs.

The Rock: Now you stop right there, jabroni. You better watch your mouth and know your role before I check you into the Smackdown Hotel! If you SMELELELELELELELL what the ROCK is cookin'!

WW: Oh, I forgot that you're black. My bad, dogg.

Guan Fei wades through the smoke, his arms outstretched, hoping to find his opponent. Every few moments, he's punched in the face or gut but by the time he looks for the source of the attack, it's gone!

"You coward! Come face me like a man or I'll make you beg like a dog!" Guan Fei speaks with confidence, but he's still confused by the smoke!

Suddenly a punch connects with the spot that Arschloch stabbed him in and Guan Fei gasps loudly and falls to his knees. Blood stains his silk robe. Puff Ryder takes this opportunity to inhale the weed smoke fog, instantly clearing the ring. He then breathes out the smoke into his hands and it forms into a solid object; THE OMNI-BONG! Guan Fei is still in pain when he looks up to see the chamber stretching out as it smashes into his forehead, knocking him into the ropes.

J.R.: Unbelievable! No one said he had a chance, but Puff Ryder is making the most of his opportunity!

WW: Listen, black people are lazy, he'll slow down the pace pretty soon. Oh, sorry, dogg, my bad.

Guan Fei lies against the ropes, his abdomen in intolerable pain. He had believed the ancient Chinese medicine he used had cured the wound, but he did not know that all of their ancient Chinese wisdom is bullshit. There is no scientific proof any of that shit actually works! He starts pulling himself to his feet and the pain subsides, but then he's met with a vicious clothesline that flips him over the top rope and onto the hard surface below. Guan Fei coughs up blood and it spatters on the concrete.

J.R.: Guan Fei is in a whole heap of trouble if he can't get out of this mess. Puff Ryder is going to stomp an Oklahoma mudhole in his ass!

Puff Ryder places the Omni-Bong on the mat and says the magic words, "POWER BONG EXTEND!" The bong grows 50 feet tall and he holds on, flying up with the mouthpiece and he uses the momentum to vault into the air. He extends his legs down toward Guan Fei as he lies barely conscious from the pain of his wound and yells, "GRAVITY BONG!"

Puff Ryder falls and stomps Guan Fei's back and making a huge cloud of weed smoke fly all around the impact. Seeing that Guan Fei is out of it, Puff Ryder lifts Guan Fei up and rolls him into the ring for the pin. As Puff Ryder is grabbing his dick, he notices the weed smoke from his attack were forming into a familiar shape. He walks over to look at it and sees IT'S FUCKING RICKY WILLIAMS!

WW: Usually when a fight comes back from the dead, it's because he's a zombie or a robot. I'm pleasantly surprised by the ghost element this time. But it was better when I did it for my WCW comeback.

"Ricky!" Puff Ryder yells, "I thought you was dead, nigga!"

"I am, Rasheed, but I came back to help you. So let's team up against this motherfucker!"

Puff Ryder picks up Guan Fei and the spirit of Ricky Williams bounces off of the ropes. He jumps up for a flying clothesline, BUT GUAN FEI DUCKS AND HE KNOCKS PUFF RYDER DOWN!

Guan Fei is still feeling weak and he knows he only has one chance. He rebounds off of the ropes and runs at Puff Ryder as he's recovering and delivers a DIAMOND CUTTER!

J.R.: Diamond cutter! Diamond cutter! This might turn the tides in the champ's favor!

WW: Gay.

While Puff Ryder lies prone, Guan Fei, looking haggard, sees the Rock! He points up at THE PEOPLE'S CHAMP and waves his arms across his chest and runs to the ropes, bouncing and then leaping over Puff Ryder's body. He then does some more crazy ass arm waving and a fall for the PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC OF CHINA ELBOW!

The Rock: Oh shit!

WW: No kidding.

J.R.: Guan Fei has it in the bag now. It's a technicality from this point.

Guan Fei rolls Puff Ryder up for the one-two-three!

WW: Well, this was stupider than a liberal editorial on the merits of p/c.
Yogurtman
Odin
Joined: 03 Jan 2007
Posts: 2248
(Mon Feb 19, 2007 11:49 pm)
Reply

Post     Re: FTUW'S MUSCLE ROCK (#11)

J.R.: Now it's time for Charles Bronson vs. Sella Phayne, which is for some reason coming right before the main event! Since this PPV is uncharacteristically lacking in SPECIALTY MATCHES, we are going to bring you THE GLADITORIUM!

W.W.: That's right, J.R.! The Gladitorium is an arena designed like a Roman coliseum! We've brought it back because most specialty arenas usually explode at the end of the match and Gladitorium, thus far, has survived!

J.R.: Charles Bronson's first appearance in the FTUW involved him shooting Macho Man's face off and leaving Sella Phayne to be arrested! The event has done incredible things for his reputation, helping push his record "Trippin' My Bawlz Into Yo Mouf" to #1. Charles Bronson, a man whose wives and daughter have suffered countless rapes at the hands of drug addicts has been wanting this match ever since he came here!

W.W.: Let's hope he fucking kills him, J.R.! The Warrior doesn't like drugs and sees no use in them. I couldn't have achieved this incredible physique if I had spent all my time smoking heroin and cooking up HALF-BAKED political ideologies. If I want to get high, J.R., I just watch myself flexing in the mirror or see if I'm strong enough to choke myself to death. Fortunately, my neck muscles are too powerful.

J.R.: And with that, let's go to the Gladitorium!

The camera pans over the Gladitorium. Sitting on the throne is Caesar McHarris, eating grapes from one of his many wenches. The iron gates open on both sides of the GLADITORIUM. Charles Bronson steps through one, Andre at his side, while wielding his Handcannon. On the other side Sella Phayne stands with Macho Man, who's injured face has been fixed by grafting on shoe leather. The roman guards order both Macho Man and Andre the Giant not to enter, and they comply.

J.R.: I gotta say, Warrior, this doesn't look good for Phayne. Bronson is an expert marksman and a zombie!

McHarris raises a hand and some horns begin playing. Charles Bronson whips out his gun and fires three shots from his Handcannon almost immediately. Phayne dives behind a pillar, dodging the bullets, and immediately counters with a blast from his uzi! The bullets tear through Bronson's skin but merely slowing him!

Bronson charges, firing two more shots as cover fire, while Phayne continues to stick his gun out from behind the pillar and fire wildly. Bronson fires his last bullet into the pillar and drops his weapon. He LEAPS into the air and DROP KICKS the pillar which has been weakened at the base by the bullets! The pillar falls and almost crushes Phayne!

J.R.: Bronson's using his brains here!

Phayne raises his Uzi and hears a click. Out of ammo. He curses and drops it and runs over to one of the roman guards. He kicks him in the balls and grabs his spear.

"I'mma shove this fuckin' thing up your ass!" Phayne shouts. Macho Man snorts cocaine in approval.

Phayne charges and jabs at Bronson who dodges the weapon. He keeps jabbing and jabbing until FINALLY striking Bronson's shoulder. Bronson grabs the spear and LIFTS IT UP ALONG WITH PHAYNE. Bronson swings the spear and sends him flying into another pillar. Phayne slams into the stone and GRABS ONTO the top of it, pulling himself up. In CAESAR'S BOOTH, McHarris yawns and gestures to a guard.

"Send out the lions," McHarris tells him.

GRATES in the ground begin to OPEN UP AND A PACK OF FEROCIOUS LIONS ENTERS THE FRAY.

J.R.: Bah Gawd!

Bronson spins his spear and looks up at Phayne, safe from the lions. AS THEY CHARGE TOWARDS BRONSON, Bronson stabs one in the fucking face and then out the ass. He takes the impaled lion and swings it LIKE A CLUB, slamming into another lion. He drops the weapon finally due to the extreme weight and is POUNCED ON by a third lion. The lion BITES INTO Bronson's arm and rips it off easily.

"Charles!" Andre shouts. Andre grips the BARS and TEARS THEM APART WITH EASE, ENTERING THE GLADITORIUM. Roman guards charge him with their spears, JABBING THEM ALL INTO HIS HUGE TORSO. Without flinching, Andre snaps the spears with his humongous arms and follows it up by clotheslining the guards heads off. On the other side of the arena MACHO MAN IS FUCKING GOING NUTS, SHAKING THE BARS AND SLAMMING HIS FACE INTO IT.

"OOOOOOOOOH YEAAAH!!" MACHO MAN SCREAMS. He bursts through the bars and LEAPS OVER THE LION eating Bronson and FUCKING SAVAGE ELBOWS ANDRE IN THE FACE, EXPLODING HIS HEAD!

"I'll send more guards, Mr. McHarris," a security guard dressed in roman armor says. McHarris raises an arm and says "let them fight." The soldier complies.

J.R.: Bronson is being torn to pieces and Andre the Giant and Macho Man are battling it out! And it looks like McHarris is going to let them!

Andre the Giant, headless, SLAMS HIS HUGE PAWS INTO MACHO MAN'S FACE, CRASHING LIKE CYMBALS. BLOOD SQUIRTS OUT OF MACHO MAN'S NOSE BUT HIS INTENSITY DOES NOT WANE.

"SMOKE THIS SHIT, MACHO MAN!" Phayne says throwing a pipe towards the bleeding wrestler. MACHO MAN SNATCHES IT WITH HIS HAND and FUCKING BRINGS THE PIPE TO HIS MOUTH AND FUCKING SMOKES IT. Macho Man's SKIN TURNS RED and even MORE VEINS POP UP ON HIS MUSCLES.

J.R.: What is he smoking?!

"SUPER PCP!" MACHO MAN SHOUTS. IMMEDIATELY, HE RIPS OFF BOTH OF ANDRE THE GIANT'S ARMS AND FUCKING SHOULDER TACKLES HIM AWAY. IN HIS INSANE FURY, HE BEGINS EATING ANDRE'S SEVERED ARMS.

W.W.: Who's the zombie here?! Am I right?

Bronson's detached ARM SPRINGS TO LIFE and slowly crawls over to the lion. WITH A CLASP, THE HAND GRABS THE LION'S FUCKING BALLS! The lion roars in pain GIVING BRONSON THE CHANCE TO COUNTER ATTACK! Bronson takes a grenade and shoves it down the LION'S THROAT. Standing up, he grabs the lion's tail with one arm and BEGINS SWINGING HIM. BRONSON RELEASES THE LION STRAIGHT TOWARDS PHAYNE, EXPLODING IN MID-AIR AND KNOCKING SELLA FROM THE PILLAR!

J.R.: Bah Gawd! Bah Gawd!

Bronson grabs his other arm and re-attaches it. He turns to MACHO MAN who ate one of Andre the Giant's zombie arms to the bone. Andre lies on the ground, UNABLE TO STAND UP without the use of his arms! Macho Man takes the giant humerus and turns to BRONSON. Bronson looks for his Handcannon but cannot reach it before MACHO MAN CRASHES ANDRE'S BONE INTO BRONSON'S FACE!

W.W.: That Super PCP has given Macho Man unbelievable power!

Macho Man takes the HUMERUS and IMPALES BRONSON through the gut. He then grabs him by the legs and LIFTS HIM UP. MACHO MAN LETS OUT AN UNHOLY SCREAM, BLOOD SQUIRTING FROM HIS EARS AND MOUTH NOW, and STARTS FUCKING RUNNING. AS HE'S RUNNING AROUND THE ARENA WITH BRONSON STRADDLING HIS HEAD, HE BEGINS POWERBOMBING OVER AND OVER WITHOUT STOPPING. BRONSON'S BONES BREAK ONE BY ONE AS MACHO MAN CONTINUES HIS ONSLAUGHT.

McHarris turns to his guard and says "Activate the next trap."

SUDDENLY, FUCKING SAW BLADES SHOOT OUT FROM THE WALLS OF THE ARENA. THE SAW BLADES SLAM INTO MACHO MAN'S WAIST, TEARING HIM IN FUCKING HALF!

J.R.: BAH GAWD! BAH GAWD! MACHO MAN IS DEAD! HE JUST GOT TORN IN HAAAALF!!

W.W.: HOLY MOTHERFUCKING P/C LIB-AMERICA SHIT!

Bronson falls onto the ground, bones fractured, as Macho's Man corpse slumps lifelessly into the sand. Bronson yanks out Andre's humerus and tosses it over to Macho Man's corpse. The CONTENTS OF SAVAGE'S STOMACH, Andre's flesh, slowly lurches and attaches itself onto Andre's arm. Bronson stands up and sees the burnt and battered Phayne lying unconscious on the ground. Bronson digs his Handcannon out of the dirt and reloads it. Andre is on the other side, slowly attaching his arm. PHAYNE SEES THE APPROACHING BRONSON AND BEGINS TO FREAK OUT.

"Wait wait WAIT! NIGGA WAIT!" Phayne screams, "MACHO MAN HELP! GET YOUR FUCKIN' ASS OVER HERE I'M SERIOUS NIGGA!"

"Macho Man isn't helping anybody," Bronson replies. Phayne turns to see his FRIEND torn in half, lying in a pile of his own internal organs. He then begins to cry.

J.R.: This is massacre!

W.W.: He's going to do it! He's going to fucking kill Sella Phayne!

Bronson fires two rounds into Sella Phayne's legs, causing him to scream in pain! Bronson tosses away his weapon and grabs Sella Phayne buy his gold fronts. He begins dragging him through the dirt TOWARDS THE SPINNING SAW BLADES JUTTING OUT FROM THE WALL.

"Wait, Charles!" Andre screams as his arms slowly move towards him, "Do not kill him! All you must do is pin!"

Bronson ignores him and continues to drag the crying and bleeding Phayne towards the SAW BLADE.

"I'll saw you later," Bronson smirks. HE RAISES PHAYNE'S FACE TO THE SPINNING BLADE. THE BLADE CUTS INTO HIS FLESH, RIGHT THROUGH THE BRIDGE OF HIS NOSE! SUDDENLY, TWO MASSIVE ARMS GRAB BRONSON'S HEAD AND PULL BACK! BRONSON OPENS HIS EYES AND SEES NONE OTHER THAN FUCKING MACHO MAN!!

J.R.: HE'S STILL FUCKING ALIVE?!

MACHO MAN DIDN'T DIE WHEN HE GOT CUT IN HALF, HE WAS ONLY SENT INTO A COMA BY THE SUPER PCP! AS HE WAS ACTUALLY DYING FROM THE DISEMBOWLING, HIS HEART STOPPING CAUSED THE BODY TO BREAK OUT OF THE COMA AND CAUSE HIS BODY TO DESPERATELY TRY TO REVIVE ITSELF. NOW HIS BLOOD IS FILLED WITH ADRENALINE.

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHH YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!" HE SCREAMS, VOMITING UP BLOOD SIMULTANEOUSLY. MACHO MAN'S UPPER HALF HANGS OFF BRONSON'S BACK, CRUSHING HIS HEAD. BRONSON ATTEMPTS TO DRIVE PHAYNE'S FACE FURTHER INTO THE SAW BLADE, KILLING HIM, BUT CAN'T MOVE HIS BODY! MACHO MAN HAS CRUSHED HIS SKULL AND DAMAGED HIS BRAIN!

"Charles!" Andre screams, climbing to his feet! MACHO MAN CONTINUES TO SQUEEZE ON BRONSON'S SKULL, CAVING IT IN! BRONSON RELEASES THE HOLD, causing Phayne, gashed face and all to collapse to the ground. Macho Man's HEART EXPLODES, BURSTING THROUGH HIS CHEST AND SPRAYING BLOOD ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. As ANDRE THE GIANT IS CHARGING, A UNCONSCIOUS LION SPRINGS TO LIFE AND BITES INTO HIS FOOT. Sella Phayne sees the headless BRONSON and covers him for the pin!



OOOOOOOOOOONE!!




TWOOOOOOOOOOO!!



THR-! BRONSON KICKS OUT!

J.R.: HE KICKED OUT! HE KICKED OUT!

Phayne is flung from Bronson's body. Andre the Giant crushes the LION WITH AN INSANE AXE HANDLE BLOW. Phayne grabs Macho's Man upper half and drags him while crying. Bronson's headless body PICKS UP HIS GUN AND AIMS AT PHAYNE. He fires and misses. PHAYNE DRAGS MACHO MAN to the LION PIT and they both fall in.

McHarris motions to Todd Lightning, dressed with roman armor.

"For leaving the Gladitorium, Sella Phayne has disqualified. Your winner ... CHARLES BRONSON!"

McHarris turns to his guards and says "Make sure Phayne doesn't leave here alive." The guards nods and SUDDENLY A GUNSHOT IS FIRED! MCHARRIS TURNS HIS HEAD IN SLOW-MOTION AND SEES BRONSON'S FIRING DIRECTLY AT HIM. MCHARRIS SMILES AND OPENS HIS MOUTH! HE CLENCHES DOWN AND CATCHES THE BULLET IN HIS TEETH. Immediately, HE SPITS IT BACK OUT AT ALMOST THE SAME SPEED, tearing through Bronson's shoulder.

J.R.: Charles Bronson just won! WHY DID HE SHOOT MCHARRIS?!

W.W.: THAT NO GOOD SON OF A BITCH I KNEW HE WAS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE!

McHarris TEARS OFF HIS ROBE AND FLOPS DOWN INTO THE GLADITORIUM NUDE.

"YOU WANNA FUCKIN' GO, SHITHEAD?!" MCHARRIS LAUGHS. Bronson, with head still reforming, fires two more shots that McHarris dodges. McHarris reaches down and TEARS A LION'S HEAD OFF ITS BODY. HE TAKES THE HEAD AND SLAMS IT ONTO HIS SHOULDER, USING IT LIKE A HELMET. He takes the blood draining from the head and USES IT TO WRITE "KING" ON HIS RETARDEDLY WELL-TONED CHEST.

McHarris CHARGES FORWARD, BRONSON FIRING TWO MORE SHOTS IN MCHARRIS' GENERAL DIRECTION. McHarris rolls side to side with GREAT AGILITY. HE RUNS UP AND SLAMS HIS PALM into the REGROWING MASS OF BLOOD, BRAINS, AND BONE that is Bronson's skull. HE SHATTERS THE BUBBLE, sending the remnants around the ring, ENSURING BRONSON CANNOT SEE OR HEAR HIM. He grabs BRONSON by the waist and FUCKING PILEDRIVERS HIM INTO THE GROUND.

"YOU WANT SOME OF THIS SHIT, TOO?!" MCHARRIS TURNS TO ANDRE. Andre charges and they GRAPPLE. ANDRE OVERPOWERS MCHARRIS BUT MCHARRIS MANAGES LEAP UP AND SLAM HIS FEET INTO ANDRE'S HEAD. USING HIS FEET, HE SNAPS ANDRE's NECK, causing him to temporarily lose control of his body. MCMAHON LEAPS UP INTO THE AIR AND STOMPS ANDRE'S HEAD INTO THE GROUND.

"FOOLS!" McHarris screams, yanking off his LION'S HEAD, "HEAVEN IS ON MY SIDE!"

McHarris walks over to Bronson's body and grabs one of his ears, floating on top of a pool of blood. He raises it to his lips and speaks.

"A weakling like you would never understand this," he says into Bronson's severed ear, "You follow the orders of that coward. A man who does not reach for something further than himself can never defeat me! I WILL FIGHT GOD AND DROWN HIM IN A SEA OF HIS OWN BLOOD!"

McHarris tosses the ear onto the ground.

"As long as you continue to blindly follow that man's orders, you will never be able to recieve a death from my fist!" McHarris shouts, "And to think, I once thought of you as a potential equal."

McHarris fucking punches through a wall and leaves through the hole.

J.R.: And folks, it's the moment all of you have been waiting for. THE MAIN EVENT!

W.W.: That's right, J.R., asshole robot Theldorrin XIV and his partner Handsomus II will take on the champion, Moloch Arschloch, and his partner of choice in a tag match.

J.R.: But not any tag match! Whoever gets the pin, gets the belt. There's a good chance we will see someone other than Arschloch carrying the belt out of here.

Todd Lightning enters the ring.

Lightning: Ladies and gentleman ... ARE YOU READY FOR A POTENTIAL FATALITY?

The crowd explodes into a frenzy of cheers.

Lightning: Coming to the ring first, weighing in at a combined weight of eight hundred pounds ... coming from the Calculus II that orbits the Earth ... Handsomus II and Theldorrin XIV!

From under the DUAL BULGING BICEPS of Muscle Rock's entrance appears Theldorrin XIV. "Ode to Theldorrin" is played by the National Chinese Orchestra. Theldorrin XIV, his armor polished to a mirror sheen, marches to the ring as his flowing red cape flutters behind him. At his side is Handsomus II looking solemn, walking to the ring with his head hung low and his acoustic guitar, Guilty Gear, dangling at his side. Theldorrin and Handsomus II effortlessly leap into the ring.

J.R.: This is real eerie, I'll tell you what. That man, the clone of the late Handsomus, and the person who killed him standing side beside ... as partners. I don't know what kind of partner Moloch Arschloch has picked out but if Handsomus II is anything like his predecessor, the combined power of those two will be unstoppable.

Lightning: And their opponents ... weighing in at a combined weight of over 1000 pounds ... hailing from Neo Berlin, Germany ... PAPPY ARSCHLOCH and the current FTUW Champion ... MOLOCH ARSCHLOCH!

W.W. And you were just talking about hated enemies, J.R.! Pappy Arschloch took a shit on his son in the middle of the ring!

"The Asshole Cometh" is played by the Neo Berlin orchestra. From the entrance appears Moloch Arschloch, face obscured by his golden mask. Behind him his blonde mane flows in the inexplicable wind, his black cape carried by Kunt. Out of the darkness behind Moloch Arschloch appears the gigantic, lumbering Pappy Arschloch. Pappy, hunched over, stumbles after his son, drool falling from his lip. His body is covered in numerous scars, many brought by the hands of Moloch. Arschloch tosses away his cape and climbs the ring stairs, Pappy merely stepping into the ring. The two superhuman dictators stare off.

Lightning: This match is scheduled for ONE FALL. The person to score the successful submission or pinfall will become the FTUW CHAMPION!

J.R.: For clarification, because Theldorrin's body is a living weapon, FTUW officials have declared all weapons brought to the ring AS LEGAL.

"Tonight is the night I'll take back my belt and show you the limitations of humanity," Theldorrin speaks.

"Hohohoho," Moloch softly chuckles in response, "I'll use your head for Pappy's bedpan."

Moloch and Theldorrin exit the ring, leaving their partners to start the match. Handsomus II takes off his acoustic guitar and places it on the apron. Pappy Arschloch sways side to side, looking hazy.

"W-W-What are you starin' at you f-f-fuckin' faggot," Pappy mouths. Handsomus doesn't reply. The bell rings.

W.W.: And we're off!

Pappy charges at Handsomus and swings his arm, knocking Handsomus II off his feet. Handsomus II rolls back and dodges Pappy's shoulder tackle. Handsomus hits the rope, goes airborne, and HITS A VICIOUS CLOTHESLINE that causes Pappy to stumble backwards. Pappy raises an arm and wipes the drool off his chin.

"Hurhurhurhurrr ..."

Pappy LEAPS FORWARD, slamming a HUGE AXE-HANDLE into Handsomus II's back. Handsomus is nearly driven into the mat by the force but manages to still stand. Handsomus II slides under Arschloch's legs and hits a REVERSE NECKBREAKER. Pappy crawls to his feet and grabs Handsomus II with one giant hand, squeezing him in his palm. Handsomus II breaks free from his grasp and falls to the mat. Pappy DRIVES HIS HEAD FORWARD and fucking BITES INTO HANDSOMUS II'S ARM.

J.R.: Bah Gawd! He just took a chunk out of him.

Theldorrin sees Moloch chuckling on his side of the ring and becomes slightly perturbed. Handsomus II's leather jacket is torn off, revealing his exposed skin, Pappy's teeth unable to bite through Handsomus iron circulatory system.

"Use your guitar," Theldorrin orders, "Stop fooling around."

Handsomus scowls slightly. He places his BOOTS ON Arschloch's face and PULLS HIMSELF FREE, skinning his arm. He cries out in pain while Moloch pulls the scraps of flesh off his face and tosses them into his gullet.

"GUILTY GEAR!" Handsomus shouts, calling the guitar forward. He grabs the neck with one hand and BELTS OUT A POWERFUL CHORD. Rockatricity SNAPS from his finger and a BOLT strikes the CHEST of Pappy! Pappy is flung into a ring post, a smoking burn on his chest.

J.R.: If Handsomus II is half as good on his guitar as Handsomus was, Pappy could be dead!

Handsomus begins playing a slow song, the RED ROCKATRICITY snapping off the guitar and into Pappy's body, thoroughly electrocuting him, at random intervals. Theldorrin turns to Moloch and smiles.

"Is that all you got, q-q-q-queer!"

Handsomus ignores his taunt and continues to play the song, burning Pappy's flesh. Rockatricity travels through his body and into the ring post. Scant, red charges can be seen on the ring posts. One of these charges travels into Arschloch's claw, stinging him slightly. Moloch looks back to the fight disapprovingly.

SUDDENLY, PAPPY SPRINGS FORTH, bolts of ROCKATRICITY still hitting him at random. SHRUGGING THEM OFF, HE BEGINS SLASHING AT HANDSOMUS II WITH HIS HAND, HANDSOMUS II DODGING THE BLOWS WHILE CONTINUING TO PLAY. Handsomus II LEAPS INTO THE AIR to avoid a SWEEP and is SPIKED TO THE GROUND by a HAMMER BLOW from Pappy. HE CRASHES INTO THE RING BARRIER, killing a fan or two. Pappy howls with laughter and BEGINS TO LEAP over the TOP ROPE until Moloch stops him.

"That's enough," Moloch says, "You're embarassing me."

J.R.: I guess that's going to count as a tag! Pappy is begrudgingly heading to the apron while Handsomus II is on the ground!

ONE! The referee has started the count out.

"Damn!" Handsomus climbs to his feet. He looks up as sees MOLOCH ARSCHLOCH, beckoning for him to enter.

"Come on ..." Moloch tells him.

Handsomus slides into the ring and rolls to his feet. MOLOCH immediately begins SWINGING HIS GOLDEN CLAW at Handsomus. The blades tear through his shoulder as Handsomus continues to dodge, trying to maintain a steady rhythm so he can bring out the ROCKATRICITY. Bolts of ROCKATRICITY MISS THEIR MARK, striking the mat. Moloch SLAMS A KNEE INTO HANDSOMUS' STOMACH, causing him to vomit up some blood.

"You're nothing like the original Handsomus ..." Arschloch laughs.

HANDSOMUS STRIKES a BLAST OF ROCKATRICITY, Moloch DEFENDING THE BLAST with his metal hand. The golden claw begins to melt a little so he tosses the claw aside, revealing his bone spear.

ARSCHLOCH CHARGES FORWARD, stabbing Handsomus THROUGH THE SHOULDER. Handsomus attempts to unleash more ROCKATRICITY but can't manage. Handsomus frees himself and leaps into the AIR. HE UNLEASHES A FURIOUS GUITAR SOLO THAT SHOOTS OVER A DOZEN BOLTS OF ROCKATRICITY AT ARSCHLOCH. Arschloch is STRUCK with them all, SETTING HIS ARMOR ABLAZE AND SENDING HIM TO THE MAT! Handsomus lands in the ring and goes for the cover, but a stern look from Theldorrin causes him to change his mind.

"Don't look away," Arschloch tells him, SLASHING AT HANDSOMUS. Handsomus LEAPS BACK and dodges the blow only to FIND OUT HE WAS NEVER AIMING FOR HIM AT ALL, BUT RATHER GUILTY GEAR! THE BONE SPEAR SEVERS THE STRINGS OF GUILTY GEAR, RENDERING IT USELESS.

W.W.: He broke his guitar, J.R.! It's entirely useless!

"Geh heh heh," Arschloch laughs. Handsomus looks at his precious guitar in horror and gets BIG BOOTED IN THE FUCKING FACE. Handsomus II falls to the ground and has HIS HEAD STOMPED BY MOLOCH.

"Fight back," Theldorrin tells Handsomus II. Handsomus II gets kicked in the ribs, the blow sending him the ring post. ARSCHLOCH grabs his legs and LEAPS INTO THE AIR, THROWING HIM TOWARDS THE GROUND FOR A TWENTY FOOT POWERBOMB! Arschloch smiles and nonchalantly comes crashing down with an ELBOW DROP RIGHT IN HANDSOMUS' CHEST. Moloch goes for the cover!


OOOOOONE!


TWOOOOO!


THR-! HANDSOMUS KICKS OUT!

"Hmph," Moloch mutters as he climbs off Handsomus. He looks down and sees his opponent unconscious. Arschloch SLAMS a foot into HANDSOMUS II'S RIBS, WAKING HIM UP.

J.R.: Moloch has been beating Handsomus II like a goverment mule!

W.W.: Serves him right. Handsomus II is a sick, depraved leather fetishist. His predecessor only got away with that degenerate shit because he fought for America.

Handsomus climbs to his feet, blood trailing from his lips. Moloch walks up to him and slams an elbow into his nose, knocking him back. MOLOCH CHARGES IN AND IS KNOCKED OFF HIS FEET WITH A CLOTHESLINE! Handsomus stumbles back with a surprised look on his face. Moloch slams his fist in frustration on the mat and stands up. ARSCHLOCH CHARGES AGAIN and GETS HANDSOMUS II'S BOOT DRIVEN INTO HIS FACE! Arschloch jumps to his again, Handsomus now in the corner, and THRUSTS HIS BONE SPEAR. The spear buries itself into the RING POST, Handsomus SEEMINGLY VANISHING. Handsomus II pauses with a confused look on his face but sees MOLOCH stuck on the RING POST and decides to use it as an OPPORTUNITY. HANDSOMUS II GRABS THELDORRIN, LEAPS INTO THE AIR, AND SLAMS HIM WITH A GERMAN SUPLEX!

J.R.: WHAT A COMEBACK! Handsomus is moving so fast I can't even see him!

Pappy Arschloch laughs retardedly as Moloch crawls to his feet, seething with rage. He turns to Theldorrin XIV who's smiling. Suddenly, he sees a faint, red glow on Theldorrin's hand. Suddenly, HANDSOMUS STRIKES WITH A ROUNDHOUSE KICK BUT MOLOCH CATCHES IT!

"GOT YOU!" MOLOCH SHOUTS. He THROWS A HUGE PUNCH WHILE HANDSOMUS IS OPEN! His fist slows to a stop. In the corner, Theldorrin's rockatricity jewel glows red. No one moves. Everything is frozen. Time has stopped.

Theldorrin steps into the ring and carefully pushes away Moloch's fist so that it'll miss. Theldorrin returns to his apron and time resumes. Arschlosch's punch misses and Handsomus II hits a VIOLENT ENZIGURI!

"You fucking prick ..." Moloch shouts. HE SPRINGS to his feet and CHARGES THELDORRIN, SLAMMING HIS BONE SPEAR INTO THELDORRIN'S ARMOR.

"You can't recharge that fast ..." Moloch smiles through his mask. Theldorrin grabs the bone spear with one arm and FIRES A PUNCH WITH THE OTHER. Moloch dodges it but the ARM CONTINUES, attached to the shoulder by a cable. The FIST COLLIDES INTO HANDSOMUS STOMACH, knocking him out of the ring.

"Tag."

J.R.: He attacked his own partner for a tag?! That despicable sonuvabitch!

Theldorrin arms RETRACT and MOLOCH HURLS THELDORRIN into the ring using his SPEAR. Theldorrin flips in mid-air and lands on the ground, a small amount of blood trickling from the wound.

W.W.: THIS IS IT, J.R.! The FTUW's two strongest fighters facing off!

THELDORRIN CHARGES FORWARD, slamming a fist into MOLOCH'S GUARD. MOLOCH SLIDES BACK AND LEAPS ONTO A TURNBUCKLE. He quickly runs along the ropes and springs off, SLAMMING the BONE SPEAR into Theldorrin's shoulder. XIV grabs the spear and SLAMS MOLOCH INTO THE MAT! Moloch rolls forward delivers a TOE KICK TO THELDORRIN'S GUT. Theldorrin stumbles back and raises his HAND.

"Mobius Band!" Theldorrin shouts. The space around Moloch's arm begins to CONTRACT into one point. HOWEVER, MOLOCH MOVES and the ring rope behind explodes. MOLOCH CHARGES FORWARD AND SPITS BLOOD INTO THELDORRIN'S EYES. Theldorrin stumbles back and IS SUDDENLY KNOCKED INTO THE AIR. He opens his eyes up to see MOLOCH'S FIST OUTSTRETCHED from the RING BELOW. Theldorrin FALLS BACK TO THE GROUND AND LANDS DIRECTLY ONTO MOLOCH ARSCHLOCH'S BONE SPIKE!

J.R.: HE IMPALED HIM! BAH GAWD! MOLOCH IMPALED HIM!

Moloch SLAPS THELDORRIN AND BEGINS SPINNING HIM, HIS BACK BEING DRILLED BY THE BONE SPEAR!

W.W. Hölle Bohrung!

THELDORRIN REACHES DOWN and grabs the BONE SPEAR, STOPPING THE SPIN.

"TIME STOP!" HE SHOUTS. Moloch tries to attack him but TIME FREEZES. The next moment Moloch's armor has been shattered and there is a MASSIVE FIST PRINT IN HIS CHEST. THELDORRIN IS KNEELING IN THE RING, A SMALL BIT OF BLOOD FORMING AT HIS FEET.

MOLOCH SLAMS THROUGH THE ROBE, SNAPPING THEM, AND CRASHES INTO THE CROWD. AS HE DRIVES UP THE STANDS HE REPEATEDLY EXPLODES SEVERAL FANS!

J.R.: AND HERE COMES THE COLLATERAL DAMAGE!

"MOBIUS BAND!" THELDORRIN SHOUTS. The space around MOLOCH'S HEAD BEGINS TO COMPACT. QUICKLY, Moloch GRABS TWO FANS AND SHOVES THEM IN FRONT OF THEM. THE MOBIUS BAND COMPACTS THEM, TURNING THEM INTO ONE, DEFORMED PERSON AND THEN EXPLODING!

"ATTACK HIM!" Moloch shouts to his father. Pappy stands on the apron, leaning on the rope.

"I'm not the l-l-l-l-legal man ..." he replies with a smirk.

"MOBIUS BAND!" Theldorrin shouts again. MOLOCH'S ARM BEGINS BURNING so he hurls a FAN IN FRONT OF THE PATH. The fan explodes in a hail of blood and guts. THELDORRIN AIMS HIS ATTACK AGAIN and ACTIVATES IT AGAIN. However, NOTHING HAPPENS. Theldorrin curses when he sees the faded glow of the jewel.

"Damn, the Richonium is dead," Theldorrin spits. HE TURNS HIS HEAD TO SEE MOLOCH LEAPING TOWARDS THE RING WITH INTESTINES IN HIS HAND. HE WHIPS THE INTESTINE AT THELDORRIN, WRAPPING IT AROUND ONE ARM. MOLOCH COMES IN AND STABS THELDORRIN THROUGH THE FACE WITH HIS BONE SPEAR!

J.R.: IT'S THE SPEARFACE! I guess!

THELDORRIN CRASHES TO THE MAT AND BEGINS HACKING UP SOME BLOOD. MOLOCH LEAPS ONTO HIS FOE AND SLAMS HIS ARMS INTO THE MAT, FIRMLY PINNING HIMSELF ON TOP OF THELDORRIN. THELDORRIN ATTEMPTS TO KICK OUT BUT CAN'T!


OOOOOOOOOONE!!

W.W.: HE'S GOT IT, J.R.!


TWOOOOOOOOOO!!



THR-EEE?!

THE REFEREE STUMBLES BACKWARDS AND FALLS ON HIS ASS. BOTH HANDSOMUS II AND PAPPY LOOKED SURPRISED. THE ENTIRE RING IS SHAKING AS THELDORRIN'S JET THRUSTERS ARE BLASTING THROUGH THE FUCKING MAT AND INTO THE GROUND! HOWEVER, MOLOCH STILL HAS A SOLID HOLD ON THE FRAME OF THE RING!

J.R.: WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING?!

SUDDENLY, THE RING BREAKS FREE FROM THE GROUND AND FLIES UPWARD! THE ENTIRE FUCKING RING FLIES INTO THE CEILING, CRASHING THROUGH IT AND CONTINUING INTO THE SKY!

W.W.: MOTHERFUCKER COCKSUCKER FUCK FUCK!

J.R.: BLRLRKRK!!

The Rock: Shit!

THE SHAKING RING CAUSES THE REFEREE TO FALL OUT OF THE RING AND BACK TOWARDS THE EARTH. THE RING CONTINUES TO FUCKING SOAR INTO THE SKY, PAPPY AND HANDSOMUS II HANGING ON FOR DEAR LIFE!

"SON OF A BIIIITCH!" MOLOCH SHOUTS, NOT RELEASING THE GRIP HE HAS ON THE RING. HANDSOMUS II LOOKS DOWN AND SEES THAT THEY ARE NEARLY 500 FEET IN THE AIR! SUDDENLY, THE RING SLOWS TO A STOP. THELDORRIN'S THRUSTERS DIE OUT. Moloch laughs and THELDORRIN CRACKS HIM WITH A PUNCH, KNOCKING HIM OFF HIM. Both men stand in the ring FLOATING IN MID-AIR OVER STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN, TEXAS. It begins to DESCEND SLOWLY, THE MAT CATCHING AIR AND FALLING SLOWER THAN THE WRESTLERS. THELDORRIN AND MOLOCH TRADE BLOWS IN THE RING AS PAPPY AND HANDSOMUS II WATCH ON. FIST AFTER FIST AFTER FIST WHILE THE RING FALLS.

THE RING FALLS CLOSER AND CLOSER TO THE GROUND AS THEY CONTINUE TO DUKE IT OUT. THE RING FUCKING FALLS BACK THROUGH THE ROOF OF THE STUNNERTORIUM AND CRASHES INTO THE GROUND, FUCKING EXPLODE INTO A MILLION BITS OF SHRAPNEL AND KILLING A HUNDRED FANS.

J.R.: BAAAAAAAAH GAAWWD!!

W.W.: COOCCCKSS!!

THE SMOKE CLEARS AND THELDORRIN XIV AND MOLOCH ARSCHLOCH CONTINUE PUNCHING THE SHIT OUT OF EACH OTHER LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RING WRECKAGE. HANDSOMUS II AND PAPPY ARSCHLOCH WATCH IN AWE. DOWN THE RAMP CHARGES A FRESH REFEREE.

"GOT YOU!" MOLOCH ARSCHLOCH SHOUTS. HE JAMS HIS SPEAR THROUGH THE SAME HOLE HE FORGED ON THE FRONT OF HIS ARMOR. THIS TIME, HE JAMS IT DEEP INTO THE FLESH, SO DEEP THAT THE BONE EXITS OUT THE BACK OF THE ARMOR, through the hole he made with Hölle Bohrung!

"GRRKK!!" THELDORRIN SPITS UP BLOOD AND FALLS FORWARD. MOLOCH EXTRACTS THE BONE SPEAR AND GOES FOR THE DDT. HOWEVER, HANDSOMUS II'S SLAMS HIS FUCKING GUITAR INTO MOLOCH'S HEAD, EXPLODING IT IN A FLURRY OF ROCKATRICITY AND CRUSHING HIS GOLDEN MASK INTO HIS FACE!

J.R.: HE INTERFERED!

W.W.: WHO GIVES A SHIT! THERE'S NOT EVEN A RING ANYMORE!

The referee shouts at Handsomus II, telling him to return to his corner but unavaible to find out where it is. Theldorrin grabs his stomach and rises to his feet. Handsomus turns to him.

"I know what you're thinking," Theldorrin tells Handsomus II. Handsomus doesn't respond.

"I knew this moment would come," Theldorrin says, walking over to Moloch, "The blood of Handsomus flows through you."

"All I ever did was play my guitar ..." Handsomus II replies, "That's all I ever wanted to do. I never wanted to kill. That red electricity I can make, that "rockatricity", I never liked that."

XIV walks over to the fallen Moloch. Pappy stands there, not coming to his aid.

"But there was something else ... something new ... something that made me feel good."

"Rockatricity won't work on me when I have this," Theldorrin points to the Richonium.

"No, not Rockatricity," Handsomus II replies. Theldorrin places a foot on Moloch. The referee goes for the count.

OOOOOOOOOONE!!


"Something else ..."


TWOOOOOOOOO!!

HANDSOMUS II BEGINS GLOWING WITH A BRIGHT, FIERY WHITE. THE REMNANTS OF GUILTY GEAR COLLECT AND REFORM, THE STRINGS RE-ATTACHED THEMSELVES. HANDSOMUS SLAMS A MIGHTY CHORD OF HIS GUITAR, CAUSING THE POWER OF HIS RAWKRA TO GROW EVEN FURTHER. HANDSOMUS II CHARGES FORWARD, FIST OUTSTRETCHED, AND HURLS A BLINDING WHITE FIST TOWARDS HIS ROBOTIC MASTER! THELDORRIN ATTEMPTS TO DODGE BUT CANNOT MOVE IN TIME! THE RAWKRA-FILLED FIST COLLIDES WITH THELDORRIN'S FAST, SMASHING IT INWARDS, AND SENDING HIM FUCKING FLYING!

"You're a living thing, unlike XIII," Handsomus II tells him, "Rawkra WILL work on you!"

XIV IS BLOWN BACKWARDS, CRASHING INTO PAPPY ARSCHLOCH AND SENDING THEM BOTH INTO THE BULGING BICEPS OF THE ENTRANCE. Handsomus II looks at the fallen Moloch Arschloch, knocked unconscious from the guitar smash. Handsomus walks into the ground and vanishes, the belt not his goal.

J.R.: He's leaving! He's not going for the pin!

W.W.: WHY NOT?! We already know violence towards your partner counts as pins!

"As both men are unconscious," the referee says into a microphone, "this match is ruled a no contest! Moloch Arschloch retains the belt!"

The fans then proceed to tear the referee apart.
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