FTU
Dragon Ball Z Uncensored
The only place on the World Wide Web where you can hang out with Chris Psaros-san, the coolest webmaster this side of Namek!
 
  FAQFAQ   SearchSearch   MemberlistMemberlist   UsergroupsUsergroups   RegisterRegister 
 ProfileProfile   Log in to check your private messagesLog in to check your private messages   Log inLog in 

FTUW'S GREAT AMERICAN CANCER FIGHT 2006 (#10)

 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    Dragon Ball Z Uncensored Forum Index -> Standard DBZ Fan Fiction
           Author           Message
Ryoko's Biatch
Joined: 04 Jan 2007
Posts: 9255
(Mon Feb 19, 2007 9:09 pm)
Reply

Post     FTUW'S GREAT AMERICAN CANCER FIGHT 2006 (#10)

The screen is black. In the background, the sound of a heartbeat grows louder and louder. A guitar begins to squeal violently as the letters "F T U W" grow from a single white dot in the center of the screen. AS THE GUITAR'S SQUEAL REACHES ITS BREAKING POINT, THE LETTERS VIBRATE VIOLENTLY UNTIL THEY EXPLODE. The song is "Arcane Death Explosion" by Viscerape. The lead singer, Leitch, belts out a MONSTROUS GROAN in tune to footage of Ant King viciously raping Corey Nguyen.

#Graaaaaaaaaahh!!#

Handsomus and Theldorrin XIII trade blows in the center of the ring. Sella Phayne slaps his chest, mouthing off while pointing his 9mm at the camera. A shot of the Jack Masterson getting impaled in the face is followed by Puff Ryder FIRING OFF HIS EXTENDED BONG into Phayne's pick-up.

#COME-ON-COME-ON-COME-ON-COME-OOONNNRAAARGH!#

Baron Hoity von Toity DROPS AN ELBOW ONTO SAKETUMI'S SKULL. Masterson hurls a hatchet that flies into the mouth of the Minister of Beards, Guan Fei. Ooka Jooka flies HIGH ABOVE THE ARENA, his dick trailing behind him. Handsomus and Theldorrin clash CHARIOTS AT HIGH SPEEDS. Jonesie slashes off the many arms of Norman Bald-win, spewing forth decayed ooze and dried blood. Fancy Lala rolls around on the floor, shitting his pants, before the footage switches over to Kuroda plucking out Jonesie's eyeball with his toes.

#The RAAAAAPE! THE MURDAAAAAH! THE RAPE AND THE MURDDAAH MURDER RAAAPE!#

Krystol stands on the CELL IN THE HELL, Non-American Championship raised above his head. The giant hand of Apathetic Arschloch's DAD CRUSHES HIM INTO EL TIGRE! Saketumi and Jack Daniels HEADBUTT EACH OTHER OVER AND OVER, CAUSING THE GROUND AT THEIR FEET TO CRACK! Theldorrin XIV hovers above FUCK MOUNTAIN, wielding a massive MOLTEN BOULDER. Moloch Arschloch bites off Saito's fingers. Bin Destruction CRASHES DOWN FROM OUTER SPACE and collides into Puff Ryder's chest. Daniels hits both Theldorrin and Saketumi with bursts of flames. Rakkyu Saketumi stands unconscious, dead, in his friends' arms, gripping the World Title belt tightly. The music reaches it CRESCENDO and the FTUW logo BURSTS THROUGH A BRICK WALL, spurting blood from the hole for some reason. The screen fades to black.

FTUW Entertainment 2006. All Rights Reserved.
Ryoko's Biatch
Joined: 04 Jan 2007
Posts: 9255
(Mon Feb 19, 2007 9:09 pm)
Reply

Post     Re: FTUW'S GREAT AMERICAN CANCER FIGHT 2006 (#10)

The camera comes in on a medium shot of James Brock McHarris laying down in a hospital bed. McHarris is wearing a hospital gown and has an IV sticking out of his arm. He has a grim, somber look on his face. He coughs into his fist and delivers a heart-felt speech.

McHarris: Welcome, FTUW fans, to the Great American Cancer Fight 2006. As you know, this Pay-Per-View event is very important for more than just the indescribable pain the fine competitors will be going through tonight, along with some of our more fortunate fans. No, this is much more serious than that. As you all discovered along with me two weeks ago, I have cancer. It has made me re-evaluate my life. I've realized that perhaps I haven't done as much as I could have, or should have. I helped preserve this great nation in World War II, sure, and I've entertained millions, maybe even billions, of fans with the FTUW, but is it all that I'm capable of? Well, tonight we're going to find out.

I'm asking that all of you out there watching, buy official FTUW merchandise. We have these just wonderful Great American Cancer Fight shirts that you can only buy tonight by calling in at the number on your screen or by ordering online. The proceeds from your purchases will go toward the McHarris Cancer Research Fund that will help me survive this debilitating disease. Everyday, thousands of men and women are diagnosed with cancer of all types and thousands more die. But we can make sure that I don't die like a pussy with just a little of your money. It won't take much if you all contribute.

Also, I want to send a special message to Mr. Vince McMahon of the pitiful WWE. This man has PUBLICLY made light of my condition and disparaged this league and it's wonderful fans, fans so dedicated they are willing to die. Well, you know what, Mr. McMahon, you asshole shit motherfucker, I'm going to destroy you and the WWE. You're just PISSED that the FTUW is making more money, getting more Pay-Per-View buys and providing a goddamned better product than you! You don't have the fucking STONES to go to the lengths I have to make the FTUW what it is today and I'll be on my deathbed laughing at your sad, sorry ass as my ratings go up and up while yours fall lower than Ric Flair's sagging man-tits. You son of a bitch, I haven't even started with you!

So, here is my final message to the fans; Get your asses in your seats, cheer on your favorite wrestlers, buy lots of my crap and get ready for the goddamned fucking best wrestling of your lives! Let's go cure cancer!

McHarris straightens up in his bed, smiles and the screen fades to black.

The blackness then fades into a computer generated picture of a open field. The camera spins to show a fence surrounding the field with men who think three dollars is a good price for wine standing along it on every side. The camera spins faster and faster and then the men all start charging into the center, toward the camera. The screen shows stills of the computer generated white trash guys beating the shit out of each other. One is a man with a lead pipe smashing another man's skull while his eyes comically bulge out. Another is of two men punching each other simultaneously. The next is a man writhing in pain on the ground while his fellows stomp him to death. Then a man screaming in pain as his arm is broken by a head butt. Finally the fight goes back into regular speed with choppy animation with a guy giving two others a Stone Cold Stunner with each arm. They fall to the ground and we see the man who delivered the stunners is the last man standing.

He has a crazy grin on his face and he starts jumping up and down, the jumps taking so long to complete that it totally takes you out of it and you know it's fake. Then he looks up with a face filled with unbelievable horror. The camera turns to what he's looking at and IT'S A GIANT PURPLE TUMOR. It pulses sickeningly, with green veins running over its surface. The man starts running haphazardly with the tumor following him, bouncing mere paces behind him. The camera switches to the outside of the fence as the man runs into it, his light trash-stache becoming the focus as he continues to scream, knowing he's going to die.

We get a side view of the tumor as it begins to run the man over repeatedly, smashing him against the fence, blood shooting through the links. The camera slowly moves to the back of the tumor and on this side the words THE GREAT AMERICAN CANCER FIGHT '06 are burnt into it.

The screen fades to black once again.

J.R.: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to Kansas City, Missouri, and Kemper Arena! I'm Jim Ross, here with the Warrior at the Great American Cancer Fight! As you heard from our great commissioner, this is a fight for the very LIFE of James Brock McHarris, who could die any day if we don't help him.

WW: It's a very unfortunate story, J.R. The p/c liberal media has labeled Mr. McHarris as a madman and a criminal and some so-called "commentators" are saying he's getting what he deserves. Well, you know what? Those "journalists" don't know what they're talking about. James Brock McHarris fought in World War II against the goddamned Nazis to protect the freedom that you use so irresponsibly to write this absolutely reprehensible nonsense about him. J.R. and I were more than happy to work tonight without pay so that Mr. McHarris could use our wages to help his fight against cancer.

J.R.: What? We're not getting paid for this?

WW: Hell no! Mr. McHarris needs it and we're just doing our goddamned duty as Americans!

J.R.: Shit! Uh, excuse me. Well, let's talk about tonight's matches, Warrior. (I can't believe they did that without telling me. Fuck!)

WW: Yes, tonight we're starting with Lex Dangerseeker and Robert McCoy. I have to say, I was disappointed with McCoy's debut. I know I already mentioned his misguided oriental bullshit, but to have his ass kicked by a queer? I don't have the words, Jim.

J.R.: It was heartbreaking to see the late Kuroda Saito do what he did to that young man. But there is Lex Dangerseeker to consider. Perhaps McCoy's experience will give him the advantage and the victory.

WW: No, I seriously doubt that.

J.R.: Well, after that, Ant King will face Charles Bronson in a Gunnington Gunsburg match, Antonio Inoki will fight Jack "The Hatchet" Masterson, Hard'Rok will square up in the ring with Bin Destruction and Sella Phayne and Macho Man will fight Goldman and Puff Ryder in a tag match.

WW: Assuming those degenerates get out of prison. We haven't heard from them since they were arrested.

J.R.: We'll see what happens, Warrior. In the main event, we will have our second ever Last House on the Left match. Theldorrin XIV, Moloch Arschloch, Guan Fei and Krystøl will battle for both the World and Non-American belts. That one should be a good old fashioned slobber-knocker!

WW: I can't root for any of those guys. I mean, a chink, a robot chink, a queer and a guy who murdered an icon like Bret "Hitman" Hart. What is this world coming to when we can't even have an American man fighting for the title? It's just like when the blacks took over basketball and football.

J.R.: ...

WW: You know what I'm talking about.

J.R.: Well, let's head to the ring and Todd Lightning for the first match of the night.

Todd Lightning addresses the crowd, "ARE YOU READY TO CURE CAAAAAANCER?" The audience goes nuts and are waving signs supporting McHarris. A camera focuses in on a sign that reads "Get Well Soon, Mr. McHarris!" Lightning smiles and waves his hand to quiet the fans. "Coming first to the ring, from Green River, Wyoming, at a height of 6'1" and a weight of 190 pounds, Alexander "Lex" DAAAANGERSEEKER!" The fans throw shit at Lex as he walks down the ramp to the Indiana Jones theme because, man, who rips off Indiana Jones? Yeah, they're good movies and everything, but there has to be a better gimmick for a wrestler. Be creative and be some kind of evil dictator or non-caucasian guy. Hell, maybe even both. Demons from hell are also welcome.

Eventually the fans get over it and Todd Lightning continues, "And from Sewickley, Pennsylvania, at a height of 6 feet even and weighing in at 175 pounds, Robert MCCOY!" Robert jogs down to the ring, shadowboxing to "Tough Boy" and throwing in an occasional awkward kick. The fans cheer for him like you would cheer for a retarded guy. He steps into the ring and cracks his knuckles, vowing to himself that his fight will be different! "I lost last time, but I was at a disadvantage. I just wasn't determined enough that time and I didn't know the stakes," he whispers to himself, "But this time, my opponent isn't even Asian! I can do this! I can win!"

J.R.: And here we go. The Great American Cancer Fight is under way!

McCoy jumps up and down and waves Lex over to him like they do in kung fu movies. Lex bounces off the ropes to get more momentum and runs toward McCoy for the clothesline. Suddenly, McCoy sees his sensei, Daniel Wojehowski, and bows to him. Lex is going too fast to stop and is unintentionally head butted in the balls! McCoy is shocked by this and when he stands up, he flips Dangerseeker over his back. Dangerseeker rolls on the ground, holding his damaged JUNK, while McCoy stands over him, unable to believe his luck.

WW: For once that stupid jap shit is worth something!

McCoy, seeing his opportunity, covers Lex, but his pin is broken before even a one count. "So close!" McCoy thinks, "I need at least one more move to finish him off, but which move? As a blue belt, I have so many good ones!"

WW: He's just standing there like a moron liberal while the real world keeps on turning! I knew this guy was an idiot for abandoning the ways of AMERICAN WRESTLING, the best goddamned fighting style in the world, but what kind of idiotic queer is he?

J.R.: I wouldn't go quite so far, Warrior, but he's going to be in a whole heap of trouble if he doesn't do something and quick.

Lex finally rises back up to his feet, looking somewhat winded by the low blow. "Ah ha! I was waiting for him to get back on his feet! Now you're right where I want you!" Robert exclaims, going into some kind of stance. Lex recoils in horror! He knows this stance! He knows this move!

"It's a textbook Poison Lotus stance! I faced this when I was searching for the ancient Dog Penis amulet in Korea back in 1921! I was the only one who survived!"

Wojehowski-sensei is surprised too. "No, Robert, that's too advanced! I know you trained harder than ever, but even I'm not ready for that!" Wojehowski flashes back to his days as a fighter pilot in Korea in the 50s. When the army was pushed south by the Chinese and Koreans, there were rumors of a strange fighting style that devastated the American infantry. It was only after staying to study Tae Kwon Do that he learned of the secret martial art that his own sensei refused to teach him.

Lex holds his arms up to block the attack, when McCoy FUCKING LEAPS INTO THE AIR! Lex extends his arms, hoping to push the legs coming to smash his face to archeologist sauce, but his hands only meet thin air! "Shit! No!" Lex thinks, assuming his life is over. He closes his eyes tight for what seems like hours.

J.R.: I don't believe it, Warrior! Did you see that?

WW: Holy shit!

Lex opens his eyes, confused by what happened. Was he already dead? He pulls his arms away from his face and he has lost sight of Robert McCoy. He turns his head a few degrees and Robert McCoy is standing two feet to his left.

WW: I've never seen someone miss a jump kick so badly! Oh my God! Hahahahaha!

Lex, not sure what just happened, springs into action, hoping that he was still alive and this isn't some technique where you think you're alive for minutes after you've really been killed. He hits McCoy with a hard right hook and then kicks him in the ribs. McCoy holds his chest tightly and Lex delivers a straight right to the nose, shattering it. Blood runs down McCoy's face as he falls to his knees. Lex pulls him up and Irish whips him and then gives him a drop kick on the rebound. McCoy gets up, tears streaming down his face. How could he lose again? It wasn't fair! While he's wallowing in self-pity, Lex Dangerseeker performs the Rosetta Stun, and forgoes the achilles tendon slash because he's ashamed to see a grown man cry.

He rolls McCoy up for the one-two-three.

J.R.: Well, I guess that was interesting.

WW: No, it sucked harder than the queerest of queers sucks on a giant dick filled with chocolate. What the hell? Mr. McHarris deserves better!

JR: Now on to our next match up for the evening: Jack "The Hatchet" Masterson versus Antonio Inoki in his debut match! As many of you are aware, Antonio Inoki made a name for himself in the New Japan and All Japan Pro Wrestling promotions before retiring in 1998!

WW: You have to hand it to the yellow bastard! He's got guts to come out of retirement at 62, especially for the FTUW! Those chinks don't give up easily!

JR: Too true! Let's go to Todd Lightening!

*Todd Lightening stands in the ring!*

Lightening: Ladies and Gentlemen, the following match is scheduled for ONE FALL! Introducing first, from Yokohama, Japan, weighing in tonight at 225 lbs… "The Burning Fighting Spirit" ANTONIO INOOOOOOOOOOKIIIIIIII!

*Inoki's music plays, a mix of Rock and Roll and traditional Japanese flute music. He walks though the curtain wearing a red robe with gold trim. He is followed by Doctor Daniel Mented, Bizarro Selena, and Giant Baba, all wearing the now familiar black and grey military uniforms all of Mented's people wear. The fans' reaction is mixed. Most want to cheer Inoki, but many still want to boo Mented! Inoki makes it to the ring and climbs the steps. Only Selena follows him into the ring, Baba and Mented walking around the ring to the back side, close to the keeper's table.*

JR: Amazing! Inoki doesn't look a day past 25! The last I checked, he was in his early sixties!

WW: That immoral trash pile Daniel Mented probably has everything to do with that, JR! You've seen the Godless, soulless beasts he usually brings!

JR: It's no secret that Mented's wrestlers usually make children cry, Warrior, but Antonio Inoki is a legend in Japanese wrestling. Don't forget, he once fought Mohammed Ali in a mixed martial arts fight back in '76! Mented's looking a little younger and stronger himself!

*Inoki holds his arms out and Selena removes his robe. She leaves the ring as COLORED STREAMERS FLY INTO THE RING. Inoki smiles and waves to the crowd, pleased by the show of respect.*

Lightening: And introducing the opponent, from Atlantic City, weighing in at 285 lbs… JACK "THE HATCHET" MAAAASTERSOOOON!

*The crowd boos and waits for Masterson to show himself in his signature fashion. In the ring, Todd Lightening flees quickly, praying he is not the one to die. Inoki watches the entrance ramp with his chin raised and his arms on his hips…

…Nothing happens!*

Inoki: Hrmph!

JR: Uh… Jack Masterson is nowhere to be seen, Warrior. Just a reminder, at Super Taboo Tuesday last month, Jack Masterson was killed by Moloch Arschloch…

WW: Twice! That devil worshipping cretin was killed twice!

JR: Um, yes, that is true. But without someone to wrestle, Inoki's debut match will be a no go! That must be humiliating for him!

WW: Humiliating?! Of course it is! Just as humiliating as his people losing World War Two…

*Suddenly, Warrior's microphone goes out. JR taps at his microphone, showing that his is off as well. The lights dim slightly and a low rumble shakes the ring. Inoki looks around, unimpressed it would seem, as the ropes shake a little. A primal, animalistic growl is audible by everyone at ringside. Inoki turns his head towards it! It's coming from Bizzaro Selena! Selena looks around, her eyes growing wide!*

Selena: Dan…Daniel?

*Selena explodes and Jack Masterson jumps from her torso!*

WW: Oh damn, he showed up…

JR: Yes he did, Warrior, and in classic Masterson fashion! This match is going to go on as planned!

*His leap propels him to the ring apron, leaving Mented and Baba staring at Selena's hollowed out corpse, which falls limply to the floor! Masterson climbs into the ring, his eyes glowing red! Inoki's eyes widen and he raises his chin higher! The crowd is showing their mixed feelings again as they cheer for the blood and gore of Selena's death, but also boo Masterson, because he's a prick and isn't very good!

The referee rings the bell and Inoki begins to circle the ring in classic wrestling style! Masterson doesn't move, but follows Inoki with his eyes. Inoki makes it a few feet away from Masterson before getting a reaction from him! Inoki quickly shifts forward, going for a lockup, but Masterson punches Inoki in the mouth! Inoki jerks back, stopping some seven feet from Masterson! He looks pissed!*

JR: Doesn't look like Masterson wants anything to do with Antonio Inoki's traditional style!

*Inoki grunts and runs at Masterson, this time landing a strong clothesline on the motionless beast! Masterson hits the mat hard, his head bouncing. Inoki begins stomping Masterson's chest and stomach, doing as much damage as he can! Ribs and sternum crack as the air is forced from Masterson's chest! Just as Inoki brings his foot down to stomp again, Masterson grabs his foot! Masterson jerks Inoki's leg and throws him to the ground! Masterson rolls over to a mounted position and begins punching Inoki with both fists!

Inoki pushes Masterson off and rolls to the side. A single drop of blood leaves Inoki's lip and hits the mat. At this, Masterson's eyes widen and his bloodlust increases! He rushes Inoki, spearing him through the ropes and onto the floor! Inoki grunts as his head and back hit the concrete floor! Mented and Baba move to the corner of the ring for a better view! Mented points to Baba and says something quietly. He slides into the ring and yells at the referee! Baba grabs the microphone!*

Baba: This match… is a no DQ match!

JR: What the hell?! They can't do that! You can't change the rules in the middle of a match!

WW: Who knows, JR? It may make this match more interesting.

*The crowd cheers and Masterson looks up at Mented in the ring! Mented freezes, stunned by Masterson's gaze! While Masterson isn't looking, Inoki jumps up and punches him in the side of the face! Masterson takes a step backwards and Inoki hooks him around the waste. Inoki shifts his weight, throwing Masterson over his head with a belly to belly suplex! Masterson's head hits the railing as he flies into the crowd!*

JR: GOOD GOD! GOOD GOD! What a suplex!

*The cheers of the fans are deafening! Inoki gets back up and raises his fists into the air, signaling the crowd. Inoki climbs over the rail, making his way towards the downed Masterson. Suddenly, Masterson jolts straight up! He is standing nose to nose with Inoki now, and his eyes shine an eerie light onto Inoki's massive chin! Masterson growls, the sound something not made by a human being.

Masterson grabs Inoki with both hands by his neck! Inoki reaches up and grabs Masterson's wrists in an attempt to release the grip! Masterson lifts Inoki off the ground and heaves him deeper into the crowd! The referee is pushing fans away, trying to maintain control of the match!

From nowhere, Masterson is attacked from behind by a steel chair! Masterson reels, stumbling forward into some people. Masterson pushes the fans away, causing them to fall and hit their heads on the floor! The other fans around Masterson get really pissed! Masterson turns to see who hit him with the chair and sees Daniel Mented! Masterson makes his way towards Mented, pushing fans out of his way. Mented swings the chair again, but Masterson sees it coming. Masterson catches the chair on the down swing and pulls it from Mented's hands!*

WW: Mented's plans have been foiled again, JR! Every hardworking American knows that cheating is for losers!

JR: Yes, Warrior, but this is a NO DQ MATCH now! Cheating is perfectly legal!

*Masterson lifts the chair to crush Mented's head, but it is ripped from his hands once it reaches its peak! Masterson turns to see Inoki holding the chair! Inoki kicks Masterson in the gut, causing him to double over and revealing his back! The chair strikes Masterson over the back, forcing him to the floor. Inoki drops the chair and kicks Masterson in the head. Masterson drops to his side, looking up at Inoki just as he brings his foot down to stomp Masterson's face!

Inoki's foot hits at full force! But it hits the floor! Masterson has vanished! The crowd goes totally silent! NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED!*

JR: What the hell? Where did he go?!

WW: People don't just disappear, JR! Get a camera on that crowd and find him, morons!

JR: Yes! He has to be in the crowd somewhere!

*The camera pans over the crowd, searching for Masterson, but he's nowhere to be seen! At his size and bizarre choice in clothing, he should be easily visible to the sharp eyes of a trained FTUW cameraman. Inoki is moving through the fans, searching along with everyone else, but to no avail! Masterson has DISAPPEARED! Mented laughs and jogs over to the timekeeper!*

Mented: Masterson's gone! Inoki wins by default! Declare him the winner!

*The timekeeper puts his hand to his earpiece, waiting for the call from the production truck. The timekeeper nods to Mented and goes to ring the bell! MASTERSON BURSTS FROM THE TIMEKEEPER'S CHEST! The hammer falls to the floor! The match is still on, and now Masterson is less than an arm's length from Doctor Mented!

The crowd cheers again, this time at the thought of Mented getting the beating he deserves! Masterson reaches out and grabs Mented's collared shirt! He picks Mented up, his feet dangling above the floor! Just as Masterson is about to punch Mented in the face, a foot flies into Masterson's face, causing him to drop Mented, who scurries off to hide or something!

Masterson turns to see Giant Baba's foot still suspended in the air… but no BABA! The foot is attached to an extremely long leg. Baba is nearly 30 feet away! His leg begins to retract and Masterson runs behind it! Baba's eyes widen; he's vulnerable until his leg is back in place! Masterson is nearly to Baba, prone to attack the seven footer, when a grappling hook attached to a chain juts into Masterson's shoulder, throwing him to the floor!*

JR: Good lord! He's been skewered!

WW: That would explain why that psycho wanted a no DQ match! So Inoki can use chains and shit to kill people! And that bastard with the stretchy legs! This is a whole new breed of freak!

*Masterson stands back up, apparently not phased by the chain sticking into his shoulder. He looks to both sides, and then grabs hold of the chain. The chain is coming from Inoki's right forearm, and he has a firm grip on it with his left hand. Inoki knows what Masterson is thinking and strengthens his stances. Masterson begins pulling at the chain, trying to pull Inoki towards himself.

Masterson gives the chain a strong tug, hauling Inoki off his feet and swinging him into the guardrail. Inoki grunts and tries to get the chain free of Masterson's grip! It's no use and Masterson swings Inoki into the air, bringing him down hard on the floor. Masterson finally pulls the hooked end out of his shoulder, spilling blood onto the floor. He pulls at the chain again, softer this time, dragging Inoki to him. He begins kicking and stomping Inoki while he's on the ground.*

WW: Masterson's tired of this bullshit too, JR! I hope he just ends this nonsense!

JR: Antonio Inoki is famous for his martial arts and wrestling skills, not the hardcore style Masterson is accustomed to! Thanks to Mented, this match isn't looking good for Inoki anymore!

*Mented is losing his mind. All the upgrades he gave Inoki don't seem to be doing anything but getting Inoki hurt! Masterson picks Inoki up onto his shoulders, and prepares a devastating move! He swings Inoki around and drops him face first onto the floor! Blood sprays from Inoki's face and his body falls limp!*

JR: BAH GAWD! F-5! F-5! BAH GAWD!

*Masterson rolls Inoki over and goes for the cover! The referee begins his count!

ONE!


TWO!


THR--!

Inoki kicks out so hard Masterson is tossed to his ass! He sits, stunned! Inoki stands above him now, glaring down at Masterson sitting on the floor!*

Inoki: The Burning Fighting Spirit of a warrior never dies! I will regain my legendary status!

*Inoki slams Masterson in the face with a dropkick! Masterson falls to his back, holding his face in his hands! Inoki stands up and points his hands at Masterson, palms out. Inoki's palms OPEN, and a silver tube shoots FIRE FROM HIS HANDS! Masterson is covered in flame from the chest up! His shirt catches fire, melting the skin beneath and fusing it with the cheap polymer fabric!*

JR: GOOD GOD! Not only did Masterson's move have no effect, Inoki's now shot Masterson in the face with a flamethrower!

WW: Lot of good Masterson's "god" has done for him, huh? Not even invulnerable to fire? What kind of hell is he from?!

*Inoki picks him up and puts him in position! The Octopus Stretch is locked in! The grappling hooks fire in all directions, some hooking onto fans and carrying them into the air! The crowd goes crazy at this massacre, seeing more than a dozen fans dead and bleeding in the air!*

JR: That's Inoki's signature submission, The Octopus Stretch! But those chains!

*The chains pull tight! Masterson's SKIN STARTS TO TEAR AT THE JOINTS ON HIS ARM AND LEG! Masterson cries out! The chains shutter from the pressure!*

JR: HE'S GONNA RIP HIM APART!

WW: It doesn't matter, he'll probably come back! These weirdoes always come back somehow, JR!

*Masterson lifts his free arm into the air! The referee takes a step back to avoid the impending blood spray! Inoki begins to bellow out a low, manly laugh! Then…








…MASTERSON TAPS OUT! THE REFEREE CALLS FOR THE BELL!*

JR: What the hell?! HE TAPPED OUT! THE MATCH IS OVER!

WW: Tapped out?! What kind of pussy taps out?!

*The referee starts calling to Inoki to release the hold! The match is over, and Inoki has won by submission! Inoki's hooks fly back into his body, releasing the innocent victims from their hanging deaths! Half of the audience is losing their minds, while the other half are confused and upset by the decision!*

JR: The first tap-out in the FTUW! Antonio Inoki has won by SUBMISSION, Warrior! I can't believe it!

WW: Only pussy ass liberals tap out, JR! I feel like someone just robbed me, and I'm willing to bet we lose fans over that bullshit!

JR: We may just be seeing a more technical style entering the FTUW, ladies and gentlemen! Antonio Inoki, The Burning Fighting Spirit, has won his debut match!

Jim Ross: WAYLCOME FANS! It’s time fer another FTUW MADMANSTROPHE!

Warrior: THAT’S RIGHT ROSS, YOU PIG FUCKING SON OF A BITCH! UP NEXT IS A FANTASTICAL EXHIBIITON IN UNADULTERATED SPANDIFERUNCE!!

Jim Ross: (screams in a way that a college fratboy might if he felt the need to express how hard he’s been partying that night through a single sound.)

Todd Lightning: LAAADIES AND GENTLEMEN, The next match is a TAG TEAM competition! Making their way to the ring at a combined weight of the Macho Man Randy savage and Sella Phayne….SELLA PHAYNE and the MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE!!

Sella Phayne bursts through the curtain firing off two handguns into the air. While still firing he does several crotch chops sending bullets careening into innocent skulls across the arena inadvertently. Behnd him the Macho man steps forward with his face entirely wrapped in bandages and chains. Macho man pulls a tape recorder out of his pocket and holds it up to a megaphone. “OOOOOH YEAAAAAAH!!” can scratchily be heard when he hits the play button and the two then continue their trek to the ring.

Jim Ross: Macho Man still apparently injured from being shot in the face by Charles Bronson.

Warrior: A necessary sacrifice to usher in a man who’s finally going to clean up this rotten country! I’m looking forward to Bronson’s match with The Ant King, another American hero, later tonight.

Jim Ross: I’m excited too Warrior but we can’t look past the epic battle that’s sure to unfold before us right here and now!

Todd Lightning: And now introducing at a combined weight of BLEW, PUFFY RYDER and GOOOOLDMANNNN!

The crowd lights up (LITERALLY, hur hur) for Puff Ryder who throws his arms in the air while twirling around as he makes his way to the ring. Puff Ryder holds up a magic boombox which shoots out some sparks, thereby delighting the LCD pumped crowd. Familiar Yiddish music plays as Olympas walks out and places some menoras on the ground, lighting them up in honor of Goldman’s arrival! Goldman calmly walks out with his hands folded in front of him wearing his traditional black robe. He casually turns his back to the ring and the cameras and stands still for a few moments before TWO ENORMOUS ARMS rip through the back of his robe! These of course are the arms of Stone Cold Steve Austin currently in Goldman’s possession!

Jim Ross: BAH GOD! Unbelievable! If I hadn’t watched the promos myself I’d think I was goin crazy here!

Warrior: Thieving Jew Goldman apparently taking a break from controlling all forms of media to steal an innocent man’s arms! And just so he can count his money a little faster!

Ross: We’ll see in a moment just how this turn of events will impact Goldman’s match! I know I wouldn’t mind another pair of limbs! Or a working face!

Both teams are in the ring after far too much introduction. The referee calls for the bell and the match is under way! Sella Phayne consults quickly with Macho man and apparently agrees to be the first one in. On the opposite side Puff Ryder is in the ring as Goldman stands on the edge of the canvas.

Phayne throws his back against the ring ropes and bounds forward into a roll! He rolls to his feet right in front of Puff Ryder and uses the momentum to throw a powerful left haymaker with a solid gold pair of “brass” knuckles encoated in diamonds that spell out “Nigga Dik!” Puff Ryder ducks and comes up under Phayne wrapping his arms around his left arm and head locking them tight. Ryder arches his back and hurls Phayne over his head into the mat with a devastating suplex! Despite the impact Sella Phayne quickly gets to his feet but it is obvious he’s feeling the effects as he stumbles around aimlessly. Ryder tags Goldman who does a handstand with Austin’s arms and uses them to roll forward onto his feet. Goldman grabs Sella Phayne in a bear hug and picks him up off the mat while his second arms pound on Sella Phayne’s collar bone like Goro in Mortal Kombat!!

Jim Ross: Ooh a bad start for Phayne! You can hear those sickening thuds of fists against flesh resonating throughout the entire arena!!

Macho man seeing his only source of cocaine in danger quickly climbs the turnbuckle! He leaps through the air going for the Macho Man elbow drop! Before he can reach Goldman he is SPEARED out of the air by Puff Ryder!! The audience explodes in excitement but the commotion gets Goldman’s attention and that momentary lack of focus is all Sella Phayne needs! Phayne manages to get his leg up against Goldman’s chest and kicks off of him shoving Goldman through the ropes! Goldman nearly falls out if not for the Austin arms grabbing onto the ropes and pulling him back into the ring!

Warrior: Well it looks like taking those arms was a good move.

Jim Ross: Goldman seems damn near invincible with Austin’s arms at his disposal!

Macho Man is easily able to overpower Puff Ryder and gets out from under him! Macho Man rears back to throw a punch but is stopped by Sella Phayne who says something inaudible to the crowd to him. Macho Man nods and both the men begin stomping the shit out of Puff Ryder!!! Goldman comes charging forward but Sella Phayne is well aware of him. Phayne reaches into his deep pockets and pulls out an unopened can of Budweiser! He throws it over Goldman’s head and Goldman stops just short of the asswhooping that is befalling his tag team partner! Goldman’s Austin arms pull Goldman’s entire body away from the fray and into the direction the beer can landed!

Jim Ross: Unbelievable! The Austin in Goldman isn’t about to pass up free beer!

Goldman screams but falls backwards and is quickly dragged out of the ring by his insanely more powerful Austin arms! Meanwhile Puff Ryder is a bloody mess! He is unable to transform into smoke because his lungs have been ruptured by the savage stomping he’s been getting! Macho Man grabs Puff Ryder by the head and pries his mouth opened as Sella Phayne pulls out an Oxycontin! The crowd boos furiously at the cheap ass fuckers!!! Outside the ring Goldman has been dragged to the beer can and the Austin arms open the can high over his head and spill the intoxicating liquid down his gullet! Goldman coughs furiously choking on the vile drink as he is used to only drinking the finest and most jewish of wines. Finally the can empties and the arms seem to return control to Goldman! Goldman runs towards the ring but being jewish is very clumsy when it comes to anything physical and thus slips on the beer knocking himself out!!

In the ring Sella Phayne laughs maniacally as he shoots slugs into Puff Ryder’s shoulders and knees making him all but crippled in mind blowing pain! The Macho Man has once again climbed the turnbuckle and signals the crowd for his finishing elbow drop! Macho Man bends his knees and with tremendous leg strength jumps fucking 30 feet up into the air! Sella Phayne has already left the ring and is on his cellphone calling some of the girls he’s been stalking to try and set up a celebration party! Puff Ryder can only look up in horror as he is completely unable to move any of his limbs and waits for death at the elbow of Randy Savage! BUT!!!!

Goldman’s unconscious body is being carried around by fucking AUSTIN’S arms walking around on their hands! They run to the ring and push off the ground easily taking Goldman’s body with them! One hand grabs the top rope and one grabs onto the bottom of the ring pulling against each other and bending the top ring rope downward! The bottom arm lets go shooting Goldman’s entire body into the air like it were launched from a bow and arrow! In mid-air Goldman’s body collides with the Macho Man and Austin’s arms wrap around his head pulling him straight the fucking down into a STUNNER FROM 20 FEET IN THE AIR!!! The arms immediately pull Goldman ontop of the now knocked the fuck out and maybe DEAD Macho Man’s body! The ref counts ONE…TWO…Sella Phayne finally turns his head and sees what’s going on while still on his cell phone. He drops it and scrambles to get into the ring but ….THREE!! The bell rings with Sella Phayne not able to get anywhere near his fallen partner in time!

Todd Lightning: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, your WINNNERS!!! PUFF RYDER AND GOOOOOLDMANNNNN!!!!

Sella Phayne flips out on the outside of the ring running to the backstage like a fucking girl desperately trying to hold in his tears! Medics rush to the ring to help Sella Phayne who can’t move on his own! Goldman finally comes to and looks around groggily. The first thing he can make out is Olympus’ overjoyed face! Olympus helps Goldman to his feet and leads him backstage to explain what the hell happened. Austin’s arms flip off the crowd!

Jim Ross: WOW! What a turn of events! Goldman won the damn match while UNCONSCIOUS!

Warrior: Peh! Another jew taking the credit for somebody else’s work!

Lightning: This match is scheduled for one-fall! Introducing first from Jihadistan, weighing in at 198 pounds, The All-Mighty, Non-Forgiving, Non-Merciful, Mohammad Jaffer Bin Abdul DESTRUCTION!

Bin Destruction makes his way to the ring, yelling at the crowd and showing a picture of Hitler in bed with James Brock McHarris. The crowd boos heavily and one fan even tries to stuff a ham sandwich down Bin Destruction’s throat! The security team drags him away and has him hanged at a reminder that fan involvement is limited to watching in terror as your loved ones are reduced to a bloody pulp right next to you.

Warrior: Bin Destruction, I…god damned rage…hate…grfklug…I just can’t even articulate how I feel about him anymore!

JR: He’ll be going at it in the ring tonight with our own FTUW equivalent of Beaver Cleavage: Hard’rok!

Bin Destruction climbs in the ring and awaits his opponent. However, Hard’rok’s music, Werewolves in London by Warren Zevon, never starts and he is nowhere to be seen. The referee acts puzzled, as do our announcers.

Suddenly, a large casket is lowered from the ceiling into the ring. It sits there mysteriously as no one, especially Bin Destruction, is willing to go near it lest it be some sort of devious trap set by the king of the zombies. The top bursts open and inside we see James Brock McHarris, dead.

Warrior: No! Oh god, say it’s not so!

JR: Ladies and gentlemen, it seems we were too late with this pay-per-view. James Brock McHarris…has passed on.

A video package of McHarris’ exploits to the Sarah McLachen song “I Will Remember You” begins playing on the Faggotron.

That is until the corpse bursts to its feet! The crowd goes insane over this surprise revival and begins tossing first-born children into the ring as a sacrifice to the ever-omnipotent James Brock McHarris. Bin Destruction gets in McHarris’ face.

Bin Destruction: Unfeeling capitalist devil! How dare you make a mockery of the passage of the dead into ever-loving Allah’s (praise be upon him) arms!

It is then that McHarris takes Bin Destruction and nails him with a piledriver in the center of the ring. McHarris stands up and rips off his own face! In fact, he is not McHarris at all! The man is tall and muscular, but not pumped up as much as Vince McMahon. Though he is a zombie, his body is not decomposed in the slightest from years of cryogenic freezing. He’s…the reanimated corpse of Vince McMahon Sr.!

JR: BAH GAWD! I NEVER THOUGHT I’D SEE THIS!

Warrior: Who the hell is that old fart?

JR: Don’t you know anything about your wrestling history?! That man is Vincent J. McMahon, father to WWE demi-god Vincent K. McMahon! I never thought I’d see the man in the flesh once again!

McMahon Sr. walks off backstage, apparently on a mission. A cloud of smoke rises in the ring and Hard’rok pops out of it.

Hard’rok: Did you like my little pre-match show, Bin Destruction? You may try to be cautious in the face of a trap, but I know how to hit all of your buttons.

Hard’rok stomps the fallen Muslim hero and the ref rings the bell to start the match officially. However, Bin Destruction is unable to mount any semblance of offense and curls into the fetal position just to defend against the constant kicks.

Looking to end it quickly, Hard’rok lays Bin Destruction in the center of the ring and summons forth five zombies. They all stand on each other’s shoulders and Hard’rok climbs atop the zombie pillar of sorts.

JR: Oh, Bin Destruction’s about to get nailed by the Thriller Spiller!

Hard’rok leaps off the zombies and attempts a big splash onto Bin Destruction below. !However!, Bin Destruction is just able to move out of the way in time! Hard’rok crashes and burns and both men are on the ground and wounded.

Bin Destruction begins hulking up using the power of Allah and cups his hand to the crowd, looking for chants of support. He receives none. So he picks up Hard’rok and delivers a series of chops that cut him wide open!

JR: What devastating knife-edge chops!

Warrior: Those aren’t KNIFE-edge chops, JR!

In fact, Bin Destruction has a box cutter hidden in his hand and it is that which is inflicting all the bloody wounds.

Bin Destruction places Hard’rok in the corner and moves to the opposite turnbuckle. He spreads his arms out like a plane and sets up for the 9/11! He charges headfirst at Hard’rok, but just before the move connects, the zombie master ducks out of the way and uses Bin Destruction’s own momentum to flip him into the air! Two zombies grab their master and toss him high into the air after Bin Destruction.

Hard’rok: This is how you really hijack a plane!

Warrior: Oh my god! It’s the same as Spain!

Hard’rok has Bin Destruction set up in a crucifix powerbomb position (like a Rzaor’s Edge), the spread out arms representing the wings of a plane.

Hark’rok: Air Disaster Powerbomb!

Bin Destruction smirks and reaches into his turban. He pulls out some white powder and throws it into Hard’rok’s eyes, blinding him!

JR: Anthrax, Warrior! Bin Destruction just blinded Hard’rok with Anthrax!

Bin Destruction changes the position of the attack so Hard’rok is tumbling back first towards the ring. Bin Destruction’s body is perpendicular to Hard’rok’s, his head in Hard’rok’s gut as if he’s about to headbutt him into the ground.

JR: This is it! The move we haven’t seen since prior to FTUW Intestinal Rape over four months ago! THE SUICIDE BOMB!

The Suicide Bomb connects, with Bin Destruction’s skull jamming into Hard’rok’s solar plexus as they collide with the ring! A huge cloud of dust is raised and the ring mat bends from the impact! Bin Destruction’s head took a great amount of damage from the attack and he is rendered unconscious. However, Hard’rok is out like a light and it is clear he will not wake for quite some time. The ref was blown out of the ring by the Suicide Bomb, but he quickly scampers back in the ring and begins to count!

1…

2…

OUT OF NOWHERE, Ant King leaps into the ring and kicks Bin Destruction right off of Hard’rok! The referee calls for the bell and awards Bin Destruction the win by disqualification as Ant King stomps the holy hell of out him and uses a series of kung-fu strikes to beat him to a bloody pulp!

Ant King: OH YEAAAAAAAAAAH!!!1 MOTHRE ANUS FUCKING SHIT SNATCH!!!!1 LETS GIT IT OWN YOU GOD DAM HOMO QUUERING SHIT STORM!

Warrior: Wow, this guy is so awesome!

Ant King grabs the ref by the scruff of the neck and points his AK-47 right at his face.

Ant King: START A NEW MACTH AND MAKE IT QWICK BEFOUR I FUCKING FILL YOU FULL OF HOT RIFUL LOVE, HORESAUCE!

The referee meekly calls for the bell to be rung to start this impromptu match between Bin Destruction and the Ant King. Ant King takes his AK-47 and riddles Bin Destruction’s body with bullets before pinning him easily for the 1-2-3. The crowd begins cheering now that bin Destruction has been taken down a peg.

Ant King: DONT CHEER ME ON YOU ASSCOCKS!!!!1 Bin Duh-struction (spelling error intentional) won his fite against Hard rock thanks to me! Just cuz I hate him for been a bicth at Super Taboo Tuesday dont mean I want the fucker to loose all the itme! I do what I fucking want becuz im the god dam Ant King!!!!1 None of you idiots can take me on!!!1 Ill rape yor moms and then tell you what her pussy was like even tho you alredy jerk your dicks to it every nite!!!1 YAAAAAAAAA, ANT KING FOR FTUW CHAMP!!!!!1

Fans throw all sorts of junk into the ring at Ant King and he takes all the abuse happily.

Jim Ross: Well it’s been one hell of a night so far!

Warrior: And it’s about to get a whole lot helluver! Next up is Charles FUCKING Bronson vs. The Ant King!

Backstage Charles Bronson and Andre The Giant sit in the locker room. Bronson paces as Andre polishes off his 300th beer of the evening, not even feeling a buzz yet.

Andre: Charles you must relax. This Ant King cannot be so much of a threat.

Charles: You don’t get it, Andy. I ain’t scared of this scumbag…I’m nervous with anticipation! Dis guy sells drugs to foist graders and then bombs them into next Tuesday! I can’t wait to burn this ant!

The door to the locker room opens and both Andre and Bronson turn to see what it is. In walks James Brock McHarris. The arena explodes into cheers!!! Bronson looks lost and confused as McHarris approaches.

McHarris: It’s been a while, Bronson.

McHarris opens a silver case and takes out a cigar popping it into his mouth. Mcharris gestures to Bronson offering him a cigar but Bronson only stares so McHarris closes the case and puts it back in his jacket pocket.

McHarris: I was more than a little surprised when I saw your application, Charlie…

McHarris takes out a match and strikes it lighting up his cigar as he paces back and forth in front of Bronson. Bronson seems to be confused like a person who can’t tell if they’re dreaming or not.

McHarris: Hm. Always the talkative one, eh? You may have heard I’m not long for this world Charles…But I imagine in what time I have left you’ll provide some entertainment.

McHarris slowly blows out a circle of smoke and turns away from Bronson and Andre. As he heads out the door he pauses and without turning his head says “Have fun tonight…”

Andre looks at Bronson after McHarris has left.

Andre: Who was this man? A friend of yours?

Bronson: ……It’s time for us to go.

Jim Ross: What in the hell?? What is McHarris doing here tonight? I thought he was in a hospital bed somewhere!

Warrior: JR, I’m getting word that McHarris has already returned to the hospital via medical jetpack he was secretly wearing. I guess he just wanted to make his presence felt.

Ross: Uh, well whatever! I hope Mr. McHarris knows what he’s doing flying around like that in his condition!

And with that the camera shows the ring made entirely out of guns fitted together like legos. Even the ropes are made of guns hooked together between the rocket launcher turnbuckles. To the side stands Todd Lighting obviously apprehensive about stepping foot into the deathtrap of a ring.

Todd Lightning: Scheduled for 1 fall with no time limit! The following is a Gunnington Gunsberg match! Making his way to the ring hailing from Chernobyl…THheeee Aaaannnt KIIIIINNNGG!!!

The entire arena roars with disapproval at the hated Ant King who walks proudly to the ring with his lackey Piccolo following closely behind. Somehow they are able to move without bending their knees or even turning sideways.

Ross: Ugh, watching this guy always gives me a headache. It’s like he’s made of construction paper or somethin!

Reaching the ring Ant King jumps over the ropes also without bending his knees and then finally in his first variance of movement since arriving puts his arms up into the air!

Ant King: BWAHAHAHAHAH I’M THE ANT KING! AIN’T NOBODY FOOLISH ENOUGH TO ENJOY THIS CRAZY GRAVY WITH A SIDE OF NO IFS ANDS OR MAYBE! BRING OUT YOUR HERO BRONSON AND I”LL RAPE HIM SO DAMNED HARD THAT HIS RECTUM WILL TLEPORT INTO YOUR MOMMAS MOUTHHOLE!!!

The crowd of course boos throwing trash into the ring. Piccolo continues to stand around outside the ring with a stupid look on his face that never changes.

Todd Lightning: And his opponent! Star of “Deathwish” parts one through 5 as well as the upcoming “DeathWish 6: Granted” vigilante superstar CHARLES BRONSONNNN!

Bronson and Andre the Giant walk solemnly to the ring. Charles is wearing his trademark awesome trenchcoat that has extra belts sewn onto it. Andre is wearing his traditional wrestling leotard. The fans who know of the Deathwish series are ecstatic and shoot off their own FTUW giftshop purchased firearms in approval!

Jim Ross: Well, I don’t think there’s any question of how tough a son of a gun Bronson is but his wrestling ability remains to be seen.

Warrior: Yeah knowing how to wrestle is real important around here.

Bronson stares with a storming hatred hidden behind his calm almost apathetic eyes. The Ant King looks back with his own stare of endless blackness. The timekeeper shoots the bell and the match is underway! The resonating of the ding hasn’t even ended before Bronson has already pulled out his personalized hand cannon and shot the Ant King squarely in the forehead! The crowd is shocked to see the Ant King already on his back!

Jim Ross: GOOD GOD! The Ant King is already dead 1 damn second into that match!!

Warrior: What bullshit! I was hoping to see a real fight but all we got was a decently awesome split second.

Bronson walks over to the Ant King’s motionless corpse.

Bronson: You’s didn’t deserve such a quick death…but the only way to kill an ant is to squash em’.

The Ant King’s leg kicks out suddenly taking Bronson’s feet out from under him!

Jim Ross: Whoa! Was that a nervous reaction from the Ant King’s dead body?

Warrior: No way, Ross! Look!

The Ant King kips up to his feet and lets out an arena shaking laugh! On his forehead is a smudge where the bullet hit and glided off of his insanely hard exoskeleton!

Ant King: BWAHHHAHAHAHA YOU STUPID FUCKING MONKEY ASS! YO SHIT CAN’T TOUCH ME G!!!

The Ant King stomps down on top of Bronson’s head but Bronson rolls out of the way! The force of the stomp causes several of the guns to fire in different directions! On all sides of the ring random fans drop dead from bullets of unknown trajectory.

Bronson: Huh. You got a hard shell antboy…but I got just the nutcracker I need.

Bronson rolls sideways pulling a gun out of the ring. It is a super high calibur armor piercing sniper rifle!! Bronson, still rolling fires off a round at the Ant King catching him in the side of the stomach! The bullet, as the name suggests pierces clear through the Ant King’s Exoskeleton and goes out his back!

Ant King: NNNYUYYAAAARGGGHHHH!!! YOU HONKY MOTHER FUCKINGW#!!!!

The Ant King charges at Bronson who pulls the trigger once again! Unfortunately it seems that particular gun only had the one bullet in it! Before Bronson can react Ant King kicks him in the stomach sending him flying into the rope of guns! Several of the guns fire! Some shooting into Bronsons arms and upper back! The Ant King reaches down and pulls out a berretta and a Needler from HALO™! Bronson looks up to see the Ant King aiming both guns at him! Bronson quickly rolls out of the ring and sprints around the ring easily dodging the berretta gunfire but being followed by the needlers!!

Warrior: Bronson is in big trouble! If he gets hit with those needlers he’ll blow faster than a gay drug den!

Bronson sees the needlers are gaining on him and jumps onto the guardrails. His respect for justice prevents him from using random fans as shields but his renegade instincts allow him to single out a group of drug dealers in the crowd! He runs on people’s shoulders and dives behind the dealers who are plastered with hundreds of rounds of needler ammo! They scream in agony at the crystals piercing their torsos but don’t have to suffer long as they fucking explode!!

Ant King: ENOUGH OF THIS SHEOTT!!!

Ant King grabs one of the turnbuckles and easily rips it out of the ground making the RPG useable! He points it in Bronson’s general vicinity and screams!

ANT KING: DODGE THIS ONE MOTHER FUCKER!!!

Bronson: FUCK! HE’ll TAKE OUT HALF THE DAMN CROWD WITH THAT THING!

The Ant King Fires and the rocket sores in what seems like slow motion towards Bronson leaving a trail of smoke behind it! Bronson screams at the people standing around to get down but it’s no use! Then just before the rocket reaches the guardrail Andre the Giant jumps in front of it!! The rocket collides with ANDRE’s CHEST AND EXPLODES knocking over the first 5 rows of people from the force but leaving them relatively unharmed!!

Bronson: ANDRE!!! NOOO!!!!

As the dust clears Andre is standing there with his arms outstretched at his sides! There are burn marks over his body and a huge mark where the rocket connected with him! His body smolders as he lowers his arms and turns to Bronson!

Andre: Don’t worry Charlie! I won’t die again until Mr. President is satisfied!

Bronson grins as Andre smiles warmly giving a kielbasa sausage sized thumbs up! Then a chair smashes into Andre’s chest! It’s Piccolo attacking the interloper for ruining his bosses plans.

Jim Ross: Obviously Piccolo has just made the most retarded mistake of his life.

Ross’ words of wisdom are validated as the towering giant slowly looks down at the insect who just attacked him. Piccolo is frozen with fear until Andre grabs him by the throat! Andre lifts Piccolo like he were a piece of lint and hurls him into the air! Piccolo flies off as if he were shout out of a damn cannon and sails across the entire arena crashing into and becoming entangled in the rafters and lighting wires on the arena ceiling.

The Ant King: DAMN IT PiCCOLO!! I’m GONNA FUCK YOU UP LATER FOR THIS SHIT YOUR PULLING!!!

Bronson: Hey cockroach!

The Ant King turns his head to see Bronson once again in the ring standing across from him! Bronson has a whole pile of guns in his arms.

Ant King: HAW HAW HAW. Whatchu gonna do with all that shit without having your hands FREE TO SHOOT ME YOU STUPID CROTCH FUCK!?

Bronson smirks and throws all 35 or so guns into the air at once. The Ant King looks up to see them but as they come down fucking Bronson starts juggling them all flawlessly while firing them all!! He’s firing about 400 shots per second and each one hits directly into the Ant King’s chest!!! Though they don’t pierce his exoskeleton he’s being shot with so many goddamn bullets in one area that it’s like he’s being hit with a laser beam!!!! The ant king is pushed back against the opposite ropes! Bronson keeps grabbing more and more guns deconstructing the ring as he shoots faster and faster! 1000 shots per second!!!! The Ant King screams in frustration and tries to move towards Bronson managing to take a single step before being pushed away with the gun fire! Suddenly among the juggling Bronson pulls out a knife! He slashes open his own stomach!!!!

Jim Ross: WHAT IN THE HELL!? HAS BRONSON GONE EVEN MORE INSANE!?

Warrior: LOOOOOK!!!!

Fucking BRONSON’S ZOMBIE INTESTINES BEGIN MOVING like PREHENSILE TAILS And they also grab a bunch of guns vastly increasing the number of guns he’s able to shoot at once!!!! 10,000 shots PER SECOND!!!

Ant King: GGRRAAARRRGH!!!!

The Ant King is lifted off the ground is pushed through the air like when Goku KAMEHAMEHAs Vegeta in that one episode!!! Suddenly as The ant King is nearly touching the ceiling Bronson throws all the guns down at once and his intestines shoot out across the ring to grab the three remaining RPGs!!! HE FIRES ALL MOTHERFUCKING THREE AT ONCE and ALL THREE ROCKETS PERFECTLY MEET THE TRAJECTORY OF THE FALLING ANT KING!!!! A massive explosion envelopes the entire arena in intense heat and light! The crowd goes into fucking insane bouts of ecstasy!!

WARRIOR: OH MY ONE AND ONLY TRUE GOD!!!

JIM ROSS: HE BLEW HIM TO HELL!!! HE BLEW HIM TO HELLLLLL!!!!!!

The fans roar as Bronson finally lets the guns he’s been juggling fall to the ground, all of their clips emptied! The entire ring has been reduced to just a normal pile of thousands of guns surrounding Bronson! Bronson’s arms go limp form the extreme exhaustion of shooting about a million fucking bullets in the span of 10 seconds. Todd Lightning pokes his head out from under a table and sees that the hellish match is finally over!

Todd Lightning: Ladies and g-gentlemen…Your winner…Cha—

Todd’s words are cut off as a final piercing shot rings out through the arena! Bronson’s head is blown clear off his shoulders! As his body falls to its knees and slumps over awaiting pussinium to heal him the thunderous laughter is heard echoing through the arena. Every head turns upward to see the Ant King bleeding badly as his exoskeleton is cracked all over his body and smoldering standing on the rafter by the spot Piccolo was thrown to! The ant King hands the super powered sniper rifle that Piccolo had snatched earlier on back to Piccolo and runs along the rafters back towards the ring! As he approaches being directly over the ring he jumps off the rafters and plummets downward landing in a splash right on top of Charles Bronson’s body! The body is liquefied by the impact and Ant King is even more damaged! They are both knocked out side by side and are motionless. The ref runs up to them both and throws his arms into the air!

Todd Lightning: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN...AS BOTH MEN ARE UNABLE TO CONTINUE...THIS BOUT HAS BEEN DECLAIRED A DRAW!

The crowd is a mixed reaction of cheers and boos. Andre looks on mortified but not allowing himself to do anything as technically the Ant King did not cheat. The Ant King is taken out on a stretcher leaving Piccolo high up on the rafters with no way of getting down! The crowd quickly forgets about him and the show continues as Andre the Giant uses a bag of pussinium to get Bronson’s body started rehealing and the FTUW crew cleans up all the guns and reconstructs the regular ring.

J.R.: And now the match we've all been waiting for, Warrior. It's the Last House on the Left, featuring Theldorrin XIV, Moloch Arschloch, Guan Fei and Krystøl facing off for not just the World title and not just the Non-American title, but both at the same time!

WW: This would be a great night in the history of wrestling if there was anyone even remotely deserving of the World title in this match. These men all shame the good name of the FTUW. I'm sure I don't have to remind you of the chinkery we had to endure at Riki-Oh 2, all because of Theldorrin and Guan Fei. Krystøl, he's a queer. Moloch Arschloch is probably the most deserving of the group, but the whole Bret Hart debacle is hard for me to forget. The p/c liberals out there are probably pushing for Krystøl so there will be a queer out there to help them push their sick agenda forward. I have so much Warrior Fury just thinking about it.

J.R.: Well, we can't forget what this match is for, Warrior. We're here to support James Brock McHarris and, in honor of the main event, right now you can order Great American Cancer Fight shirts for $200, signed by Goldman and Puff Ryder!

WW: You have got to be fucking kidding me!

J.R.: These shirts are sure to become collector's items, so don't delay! They're only on sale from now until the end of the main event! And speaking of the main event, the previous Last House on the Left match was held in Antarctica. But this year, it will be held on the exact opposite end of the Earth, at the North Pole! So let's get to it!

A golden helicopter with the German flag on it is shown landing on the vast snowy landscape. MOLOCH ARSCHLOCH exits along with Minister Grosse and Kunt. Moloch removes his claw, mask and human skin coat and hands them to Kunt, who shudders uncontrollably. Moloch walks to the entrance to his side of the Last House where two trained FTUW technicians ask him to stop while the other contestants are getting into place. Arschloch is noticeably vexed by this, but deciding to consider the World title which was almost in his grasp, he waits.

Next, a diamond encrusted submarine rises on the coast of the Last House island. Krystøl, clothed solely in spandex briefs and his Non-American champion robe, steps through the door along with two busty women in bikinis and two strapping young lads in thongs. The four valets are made to throw rose petals beneath their master's feet as he walks to the Last House. Krystøl maintains his supreme sense of confidence the entire way, his new skin invulnerable to the harsh elements, while his nearly nude companions freeze to death.

Then, from a distance, a single black horse and its bearded rider is seen. Somehow, Guan Fei, in a manner that will not be explained (ever, I'm serious, Spamdini), rode his horse all the way from China to the North Pole. He's dressed the same as always, with only his beard to protect him from the cold, which it does quite nicely.

Finally, some kind of wacky ass space ship lands outside of the Last House. Steps are let down and Theldorrin XIV walks out, his arms crossed. He fires his eye lasers at the snow, evaporating a clear path for him to tread. When he gets into place, the FTUW technician radios to his fellows that it is time for THE LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT to begin!

J.R.: There we go, Warrior, everything is in place. For those out there who may have missed the first Last House on the Left, the rules are simple. Four contestants enter a house through separate entrances and each one is filled with traps to weed out those who don't deserve to win. And you can't take your time here, if you're too slow, the belt could be gone before you have a chance to claim it! After that, the contestants fight it out in a mansion to claim possession of the belt and step foot outside while holding it. That man will be declared the winner. But this time, there is a new twist; there are TWO belts up for grabs. And it's possible that they could both end up in the same man's hands!

WW: That's right, Jim. There is no place for losers in the FTUW and if one man is that much better than the others, why the hell should he be punished for that? I don't understand this fascination liberal whiners have with this "everyone's a winner" mentality. Hey, morons, some people are just better than others. Why don't you learn to deal with it? Maybe if you didn't expect things to be handed to you on a silver spoon, you'd get something based on your own skill and merit. Earn something the honest way.

J.R.: And that's what these wrestlers are about to do!

The cameras follow Theldorrin as he goes into the long hallway, filled with rotating saw blades. Each blade has a hole in it that, presumably, he's expected to leap through. Theldorrin laughs derisively. "Is that the best they can come up with? Do they think I'm some kind of pitiful human?"

J.R.: Just like last time, Theldorrin finds himself in a room filled with blades, trained to slice him in half like a pig at an Oklahoma barbeque at any second! Even so, he seems confident!

WW: Let's see how confident he is when those blades are swinging his way. A man like me, a man of God, is ready to face danger because he knows that if he should die, he'll go to heaven. But this Theldorrin, he's just another fucking liberal atheist who thinks he's too damn smart for the Lord.

J.R.: I could not have said it better myself, Warrior.

His internal computer analyses the speeds of the blades and calculates the timing he needs to safely make it through. After 2.312 seconds he's ready. He dives head first through when he sees another blade rise up from the floor! He grips the blade tightly with his fingers and then raises his legs up against the ceiling for leverage. He pushes down with several tons of pressure and the mechanism is crushed and the blade falls back into the ground. Theldorrin takes a moment to check the room for lasers, by switching his vision to infrared, realizing his mistake. For the next blade, he adds a twist to his leap that allows him to avoid the following trap laser.

J.R.: What a show of athleticism from Theldorrin!

WW: Give me a break, he's a robot!

Guan Fei enters his hallway to find an army of robots, each with swords and shields, opposing him. "Very good. A fitting exercise before the main event. After I destroy these mechanical warriors, I have one more ridiculous toy to fell!" He leaps into the fray wielding Ride the Tiger, each swing removing a limb from the robots he faces. He strikes one downed robot and sparks fly, setting a massive fire. Guan Fei shields his eyes and is attacked from behind. "Such a dishonorable action! But I must admit I am not such an honorable man myself." From the ground, he kicks the offending robot which flies into the flames and explodes.

WW: Maybe he can destroy some robots, but let's see him in the ring against a man! Those little pussy kung fu-fu kicks don't have shit on a Gorilla Press!

Krystøl walks down an empty hall, looking around, expecting a trap at any moment. Eventually, he reaches a large, circular room with collections of medieval weaponry adorning the walls. He looks at the four suits of armor and laughs to himself. "Did they think I would forget? I spent months underground and that match was all I could think of."

J.R.: Now wait a minute, I recognize this room! It's identical to the one Krystøl found himself in the first Last House on the Left!

WW: Typical pandering to the queers. I thought the FTUW was above that kind of shit.

Krystøl prepares to fight the men in the armor when suddenly, the helmets open up. "What the hell?" Krystøl asks himself and then HIGH PRESSURE WATER shoots out, hitting him hard. He tries to stand up to it and pieces of diamond are sloughed off at a rapid pace.

WW: Haha, yes! I was wrong, FTUW! You guys are still fucking great!
Ryoko's Biatch
Joined: 04 Jan 2007
Posts: 9255
(Mon Feb 19, 2007 9:21 pm)
Reply

Post     Re: FTUW'S GREAT AMERICAN CANCER FIGHT 2006 (#10)

The camera then switches over the Moloch Arschloch as he walks across a rickety bridge like in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. Once he reaches the halfway point, two guys with rocket packs fly out from the bottom of the chasm with daggers in their hands. One flies directly for Arschloch, who ducks quickly and then stabs up with his bone spear, impaling the man. Arschloch is dragged along the planks by the still powered rocket and reaches on the man's back to turn it off. While he's doing this, the other rocketeer is cutting the bridge's ropes with his dagger. One side goes and then the next, the bridge collapsing. The surviving rocketeer cackles retardedly (he is from West Virginia) and then is shocked quiet when he sees ARSCHLOCH IS STILL HEADED RIGHT FOR HIM! He starts flying away, but Arschloch is able to gain control over the other rocket pack, still attached to the corpse. Arschloch closes in on the rocketeer and kicks the guy's rocket pack, shutting it off!

J.R.: Unbelievable!

WW: Maybe Moloch Arschloch isn't so bad.

Moloch flies toward the cliff that leads to the mansion, when the jet pack runs out of fuel! His bone spear had pierced the gas tank! The rocket sputters and finally fails just short of the cliff and Arschloch falls to his doom!

J.R.: Bah gawd! Bah gawd! Arschloch is going to die and the fighting hasn't even started yet!

WW: It's sad, I was just starting to like the kid. I guess I can go back to hating this match.

BUT THEN ARSCHLOCH STOPS IN MID-FUCKING-AIR! He gets to his feet and stomps the invisible ground below him and it sounds solid. It's the fucking invisible bridge from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade!

J.R.: Wow! What a lucky break for Arschloch!

WW: He has to win now, I mean, that's just incredible.

Moloch climbs up to the door that leads to THE LAST FUCKING HOUSE ON THE LEFT and when he enters, Guan Fei and Theldorrin XIV are already slugging it out! Moloch decides to use this as an opportunity to look for the belt because fuck if he's going to fight those dickbags if he doesn't need to.

WW: While those two punch each other senseless, Arschloch is going to get away with both belts. Some alliance that was. Just another example of the sneakiness and treachery of the chinks.

Guan Fei swings Ride the Tiger down at Theldorrin, who catches it and pulls it away from its owner. He mockingly waves it about and then snaps it over his knee. "No need for these little toys, K'unt-smak. It looks like I was right about you all along," Theldorrin tells his former ally.

"Hah! You were just convenient in helping me dispose of Jack Daniels. He failed me and my people and you're treating them no better! If anyone is going to violently oppress the great people of China, it will be me!" Guan Fei yells and then charges Theldorrin, leaping for several kicks. Theldorrin blocks them easily, catches the final kick and then hurls Guan Fei through a wall.

Meanwhile, Moloch is searching a room for one of the belts. He lifts up a table and throws it down, shattering it. "This shit is gay," he says and then goes into the next room over and again he finds Theldorrin and Guan Fei fighting. Guan Fei punches Theldorrin in the chest several times, while Theldorrin laughs at the weakness of the blows. "It's going to take more than that, human. After the Puff Ryder match, I reinforced my armor to the point that it would take an atomic bomb to dent it." Guan Fei contemplates this for a moment and then sweeps Theldorrin's legs out from under him. While Theldorrin is prone, Guan Fei grabs his legs and spins him at high speed and then flings him back through the hole that Guan Fei had made.

Theldorrin flies back into the main room and crashes into a solid object that barely moves when they make contact. Theldorrin looks up from the floor and sees Krystøl standing above him. Krystøl is covered in indentations and scars, soaking wet. He looks tired and in pain.

J.R.: I had wondered what happened to him! It looks like he made it out alive, but much worse for wear!

WW: Queers are notorious for their frailty. If he wasn't made of diamonds, he probably would have exploded when Theldorrin hit him.

Krystøl is apparently of sound enough mind to know he has to attack. He gives Theldorrin a leg drop which somehow cracks his mask! Theldorrin pushes him away and then leaps to his feet. He punches Krystøl in the chest with a rockatricity charged fist, but the diamonds won't conduct the energy! It's useless! Krystøl uses his opponent's dismay to his advantage and punches Theldorrin in the face, cracking the mask further. Pissed by this, Theldorrin reels back and then fires his right arm off like a rocket, propelling Krystøl through several walls and then out of the house entirely!

WW: Good, that queer didn't belong there anyway. Now Arschloch needs to take advantage and win this.

J.R.: We haven't seen Arschloch in a bit, he's probably still looking for a belt. The way things are going, everyone else is going to eliminate themselves while Moloch gets away scott free!

Guan Fei sees his chance to take down Theldorrin now that he only has one arm to defend himself with. He kicks Theldorrin's cracked mask again and again and it keeps getting further damaged! Theldorrin ducks under Guan Fei's leg after taking enough of that bullshit and then uppercuts him off his feet.

The camera switches back to Moloch as he searches for the belt. He's in a giant dining room, with a long table and filled with a dinner prepared for a kaiser! Moloch is uninterested in the food, though, and just sifts through it, hoping to find one of the belts. He knocks over the turkey and he sees THE NON-AMERICAN TITLE! He picks it up, sighs to himself and says, "Jesus, I guess it's better than nothing. The way those assholes are beating each other, I can just do this again." He goes back into the halls to exit the building and then sees Guan Fei and Theldorrin, still fucking beating the shit out of each other. Moloch notices that Theldorrin only has one arm and a cracked mask and chuckles to himself.

J.R.: It looks like Moloch is going to be the Non-American champion!

WW: Congratulations, Mr. Arschloch! You kind of took the pussy way, but it was the smart move and the Warrior commends you!

As Arschloch begins to exit the Last House, Guan Fei lands a DEVESTATING blow to Theldorrin's face and the mask finally cracks into pieces! Theldorrin covers his face and bends over.

"Ha! I've finally conquered you, Theldorrin. No one can defeat me in battle, not even with a body made of metal!" Guan Fei is hella amused by this turn of events. "Now show me your face before I crush it under my fist."

Theldorrin starts laughing at this and stands up. The face is entirely mechanical!

J.R.: Bah gawd! I thought Theldorrin was human under that mask!

WW: Wait, are you telling me he isn't a robot?

The diabolical, maniacal laughter continues for nearly a full minute as Arschloch and Guan Fei are frozen in confusion.

"Did you really think it would be that easy, K'unt-smak? You may be a strong warrior, but you're still only human. This automaton was created to weaken the field for my eventual appearance, so I could claim the World title that so rightfully belongs to me without so much exertion. These kinds of matches are unpredictable even for someone as intelligent as me. I could go on, you fool, but I think it is time for you to die."

Theldorrin's armor falls off and there is a bomb in the chest cavity. A robotic voice begins counting.

J.R.: What is going on! Is this legal?

The voice counts down from 10 and then the bomb detonates, knocking out all of the cameras. When the cameras come back on, there is a giant crater in the middle of the room where the THELBOT stood and most of the Last House is annihilated. Hundreds of feet away, Guan Fei lies in the snow, his clothing and beard singed by the heat of the explosion. He rolls over and sees a golden object shining in the corner of his vision. He stumbles over to it and picks it up. IT'S THE NON-AMERICAN BELT!

WW: That fucking chink! That fucking chink! He stole Arschloch's belt!

J.R.: Maybe so, but he's managed to retain the Non-American title by standing outside of the Last House with the belt in his hands.

Guan Fei realizes there is no time to celebrate as long as the World title is still on the line. He runs back toward the house, dropping the belt off with an FTUW technician. Back inside, Arschloch is pushing debris off of himself. He reaches around and can't find the damn belt! That fucking Theldorrin! He hears the sound of rockets and looks up to see the REAL Theldorrin XIV lowering himself, arms crossed, with his rocket boots. He laughs at the destruction he caused and lands to the side of the crater in the center of the room.

Arschloch is about to kick some fucking ass but then he sees Krystøl wandering back, oblivious to what had just happened. "Theldorrin, I'd say I liked the way you redecorated the place, but it's kind of trite now. It was much better when I did it first," Krystøl says, thinking about the mess he made of his home after losing to Guan Fei. He raises his hands together and fires a hail of emeralds at Theldorrin, who starts blocking them with rockatricity shields after being hit a few times, denting his chest armor.

J.R.: Krystøl is back and meaner than a one-eyed rattlesnake! Theldorrin better look out!

WW: Are you kidding?

Seeing that his attack isn't doing any damage, Krystøl decides to take the direct approach and starts swinging his fists. Theldorrin ducks under the barrage and then elbows Krystøl in the nose. While Krystøl is stunned, Theldorrin cocks back his fist and punches Krystøl to the ground where he rolls into the crater. Theldorrin then begins his own barrage of punches, digging the crater deeper with every blow. Krystøl begins to recover and uses his razor sharp elbows to cut into Theldorrin's chest. He then punches up and knocks Theldorrin over. He pulls Theldorrin up by the cape and puts him in the powerbomb position.

Krystøl notices Arschloch out of the corner of his eye, winks at him and points his finger like a gun. He whispers "Bang" and then leaps up, IT'S THE GODDAMNED KRYSTØLNACHT!

J.R.: KRYSTØLNACHT! KRYSTØLNACHT! He hasn't been a factor the whole way, but he makes his presence felt finally! This could be it for Theldorrin's World title dreams!

Krystøl stands over Theldorrin and rolls him over with his foot. Theldorrin slams his fists down in anger, making two mini-craters within the larger one, and then flies straight up, punching Krystøl double-fisted in the chin. Krystøl starts to fly backward, but Theldorrin keeps flying and grabs him by the ankles and rockets into the air. He nearly flies into orbit and then hurls Krystøl back down into the house and then into the crater at ten times the fucking speed of sound. BUT HE KEEPS GOING THROUGH THE CRATER WITHOUT SIGNS OF SLOWING!

J.R.: Theldorrin does it again! Every time it seems like someone has him on the ropes, he pulls out a move that shows clearly who's in control.

WW: It makes me fucking sick. Although, good job on killing Krystøl.

Arschloch has seen about enough and goes back to digging through the rubble that used to be the Last House on the Left. As he's digging, Guan Fei arrives on the scene.

"Ah, so we meet again, Moloch Arschloch. Are you ready to bow down and kiss my feet or do I have to prove to you first hand how inferior you truly are?" Guan Fei smiles and strokes his beard.

"Hey, you're the only who retreated like a pussy when the goldsoldaten where destroying your army. Now get out of my sight, your slanted eyes and strong scent offend me," Arschloch replies, amused that a fucking chink was calling him inferior. He continues digging as if nothing had happened.

Guan Fei, infuriated that someone could disregard him like that, charges in half-cocked (literally! (tiny azz dik joke)) and leaps into a flying kick. The kick connects to Arschloch's back and he falls face first into the rubble. Guan Fei stands with his chin raised while Arschloch regains his footing and dusts himself off. He then goes back to digging.

WW: That Moloch Arschloch, I like him more every minute that passes. What a champion!

J.R.: If you say so. It looks like he just doesn't care about fighting. Is he going back to apathy?

WW: A real Warrior uses all of the tools available to him, Jim. Apathy is one that Arschloch excels in. I won't begrudge him that.

Guan Fei is absolutely furious at this point. He is literally shaking with rage. "How dare you! How dare you, round eyed devil!" Guan Fei yells.

"Listen, dick, I'm busy."

Guan Fei closes in and with lightning speed, ARSCHLOCH STABS GUAN FEI IN THE GUT WITH HIS BONE SPEAR! Guan Fei stumbles away and collapses in a heap.

J.R.: The bone spear! That was Arschloch's trump card and he played it to DEVESTATING effect!

WW: That's the only language chinks understand; violence and surprise.

While Arschloch goes back to digging, the now familiar sound of Theldorrin's rocket boots is heard. Theldorrin floats high above the destroyed house, using his infrared vision to locate the belt. He's excited to be this close to victory! One fist shakes with anticipation. Finally, his sensors find the belt and he flies down at high speed to pick it up.

J.R.: It looks like Arschloch's hard work is all for nothing, Warrior. Theldorrin's already found the World Championship belt!

WW: It's not over yet, Jim. It's not fucking over yet!

Theldorrin pushes the debris out of the way and then lifts up a smashed table. Underneath lay the grand prize: THE WORLD TITLE! He picks it up and then feels a sharp pain in his side. He looks over and ARSCHLOCH HAD STABBED HIM IN THE HOLE KRYSTØL MADE! "You son of a bitch!" Theldorrin yells and then pushes Arschloch away from him. Theldorrin puts his hand up to the hole and feels the warmth of his own blood. He makes a fist and rockatricity boils the blood away.

"This is it, Arschloch, you and me. Are you prepared to die?"

Arschloch only responds by giving Theldorrin a big boot in the chest, the previous attacks weakening the armor enough that it makes an impact. Theldorrin is knocked back a few paces and then steps forward to punch Arschloch in the face. Moloch spits his own blood into Theldorrin's eyes and then punches him in the chest with his fist and then stabs him with his bone.

J.R.: This looks like it can only get more brutal from here, folks! These are the last men standing and the World title is on the line!

Theldorrin uppercuts Arschloch away and then headbutts him with his metal helmet. Arschloch slicks back his hair with blood and then returns the uppercut. He then punches Theldorrin's chest again, deepening the dent. Moloch feints another stab and then punches the dent deeper. Theldorrin, seeing where this is going, jumps backward, giving him room to maneuver. He fires off his arms on cables and they wrap themselves around Arschloch's torso, squeezing the breath out of him.

J.R.: This could be it, if Arschloch falls unconscious here, no one is left to stop Theldorrin from winning the belt!

Arschloch begins to black out. His eyes blink open and closed. He falls to his knees. He tries standing up, but he can't breathe, can barely think. Theldorrin laughs at his predicament, "Just like I thought. Only human." The voice startles Arschloch back to consciousness. He remembers how Theldorrin cost him the title once before. He had the belt for only a short time, but on account of Theldorrin's interference in the match, a match Arschloch had firmly in his hands, McHarris threw the match out and vacated the title.

Arschloch stands up, fire in his eyes, like when he finally confronted and killed Pappy. He starts Hulking up and breaks the fucking cables that were crushing him! His arms rise up in the air and he runs toward the now armless Theldorrin and drop kicks him in the face. With Theldorrin on the ground, Arschloch stomps him repeatedly, busting up Theldorrin's armor!

J.R.: I don't know where he found the strength to do that, but it looks like Arschloch is going to win!

Finally one kick breaks a hole in the armor and then Arschloch reaches down through the hole and rips out some wiring and throws it in Theldorrin's face. He goes to pick up the World title belt and claim his prize. As he picks up the belt with his good hand, he smiles for probably the first time in his life. THEN THELDORRIN ROCKETS UP FROM THE GROUND ON HIS JET BOOTS!

J.R.: Shit, Warrior! It's not over! It's not over!

WW: Fuck!

"I'm not finished with you by a fucking mile, Arschloch. If you drop that belt, I might let you live." Theldorrin is floating above the ruins of the Last House and his chest plate opens up and a giant fucking laser cannon comes out. It focuses on its target: Arschloch's heart. It begins warming up, with a crescendoing hum. Light starts getting sucked into the barrel like in anime and then a faint scream is heard.

Theldorrin looks down and then an impact knocks him out. KRYSTØL HAS COME FLYING OUT OF THE CRATER! HE WAS REBOUNDED BY THE FORCE OF THE EARTH'S GRAVITY AFTER FLYING OUT THE CRATER FROM THE OTHER LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT SITE! He went all the way through the fucking Earth! After hitting Theldorrin he ricochets into the ground, unconscious, while Theldorrin goes flying into orbit!

WW: Holy shit! The queer was finally good for something!

J.R.: You're telling me! I've never seen anything like that in all my years as an announcer!

With everyone else in the field either unconscious or in space, Arschloch throws the belt over his shoulder and leaves the Last House on the Left match the winner and World Champion!

J.R.: What an unbelievable match! I can honestly say, this was even better than the first one!

WW: And not only that, but we finally have a deserving champion. He may not be American, but by process of elimination, he's about the best we're going to get. Congratulations, Arschloch, you deserve it.

J.R.: Indeed, Warrior.

J.R.: I've still got chills, Warrior. What a fine match.

WW: Well, now let's get to the important part of tonight, Jim. It's time for the fund raiser check to be handed over to James Brock McHarris.

J.R.: That's right, Warrior. That's what tonight is all about. Curing Mr. McHarris' cancer. Although, I must admit, I'm not sure what kind of cancer he has.

WW: Huh. I never thought to ask. I don't know either.

J.R.: Well, let's hand it over to Mean Gene Okerlund at the University of Kansas Medical Center where he will be handing the ceremonial check to Mr. McHarris. Gene?

The camera switches over to the hospital room where McHarris is laying in bed. Mean Gene stands to his right and a hospital official to his left. All around them are news cameras to film the event.

Mean Gene: Thank you, J.R. It's a pleasure to be here, in front of all these reporters representing networks who may have said just absolutely terrible and hurtful things about the FTUW commissioner. But it's good that you're here to support the charitable actions of this good man on a great night like tonight. So it is with great honor that I hand this check for five billion dollars, raised by FTUW fans tonight, to you, Mr. James Brock McHarris.

Mean Gene hands the oversized cardboard check to McHarris who smiles for the cameras and the applause. He waves his hand to quiet them and pulls out a piece of paper, presumably a prepared speech.

McHarris: Thank you. Thank you all. I wrote this speech out so I wouldn't forget it in this very emotional time. Excuse me. (He coughs into his fist.) Let's see ... "SUCKERS!"

McHarris jumps out of his bed and slices the hospital official's throat open with the edge of the oversized check. While everyone in the room is panicking, McHarris leaps out of the 10th story window in nothing but his hospital gown. He lands on the street below unharmed and starts running. He keeps on running for blocks, followed by FTUW cameras, when a leg reaches out from an alley and trips him up. McHarris looks up and smiles.

"Mr. Bronson, I should have known, you son of a bitch," McHarris says as he gets up on his feet, his ass exposed for the world to see. Charles Bronson raises his handcannon up to eye level and McHarris keeps smiling. "Let me guess, Charlie, did the President send you? You're just a pawn, Charlie. Put down the gun."

McHarris slaps the gun down and it goes off, tearing through his shoulder. "Shit!" McHarris kicks Bronson's legs out from under him and starts running again. After several more blocks, he sees a bank and runs inside. He stands in front of a teller and hands them the giant check. "I need this in cash."

"Sir," the teller says, looking at the nearly nude man with a bullet wound in his shoulder, "This isn't a real check."

"Just give me the goddamned money, you fucking ass fuck shit whore!" The teller just shakes her head and McHarris flips out and starts smashing shit and yelling unintelligibly. The security guards run up to stop the commotion, but McHarris just powerbombs one and then tombstone piledrives the other. Finally, the teller gives in and hands McHarris two giant bags of money. Just then, the police show up.

"McHarris, please, come out with your hands up," an officer says into a megaphone.

"Like fucking hell I will!"

The bank manager, an FTUW fan, calls McHarris over and leads him to a safe escape route. When McHarris gets to the door, he punches the manager, breaking his neck, crippling him from the chin down. McHarris goes back to running through the streets and the police finally catch up with him. McHarris knocks a kid off of his bike and then rides it toward Kemper Arena. A spotlight surrounds him and he looks up to see a police helicopter and then goes back to peddling like a mad man.

He gets within sight of the arena and it's already surrounded by FTUW security. The security guards start firing on the police and one launches a rocket that takes out the helicopter. They lead McHarris through the doors and toward the ring. Within minutes a full-scale shoot out is going on outside of Kemper Arena.

McHarris enters the ring, already dressed in a smart suit, and holds a microphone. "Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, for your support." The fans are going nuts from watching the whole thing on the Faggotron. The cheers are so loud that no one can hear the commissioner or the fire fight outside. "Thank you. As you may or may not know, lately I've been the target of a number of lawsuits." The audience boos. "Yes, that's right. Fuck those guys! Well, now I've made all my money back and then some! Thank you everyone! After this, I'll probably never be able to come back to America, so this is a final goodbye."

Just then four SWAT team guys start lowering themselves from the rafters. The fans warn McHarris, who pulls out a handgun and points it above him. He fires four quick shots, snapping the policemen's ropes and they free fall into the four turnbuckles, breaking all of their necks AT THE SAME DAMN TIME.

"Haha, okay, guys, this time I mean it. Goodbye!" The ceiling of the arena explodes sending shrapnel into all of the fans inside, killing at least half of them. The ring then transforms into some kind of futuristic space craft and McHarris takes off for parts unknown!
Yogurtman
Odin
Joined: 03 Jan 2007
Posts: 2248
(Mon Feb 19, 2007 11:46 pm)
Reply

Post     Re: FTUW'S GREAT AMERICAN CANCER FIGHT 2006 (#10)

Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    Dragon Ball Z Uncensored Forum Index -> Standard DBZ Fan Fiction All times are GMT - 6 Hours
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  


Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group