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FTUW'S ROY JONZE JR. PRESENTS: SUPER TABOO TUESDAY (#9)

 
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Ryoko's Biatch
Joined: 04 Jan 2007
Posts: 9255
(Mon Feb 12, 2007 4:17 pm)
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Post     FTUW'S ROY JONZE JR. PRESENTS: SUPER TABOO TUESDAY (#9)

The screen is black. In the background, the sound of a heartbeat grows louder and louder. A guitar begins to squeal violently as the letters "F T U W" grow from a single white dot in the center of the screen. AS THE GUITAR'S SQUEAL REACHES ITS BREAKING POINT, THE LETTERS VIBRATE VIOLENTLY UNTIL THEY EXPLODE. The song is "Arcane Death Explosion" by Viscerape. The lead singer, Leitch, belts out a MONSTROUS GROAN in tune to footage of Rakkyu Saketumi unleashing a war cry.

#Graaaaaaaaaahh!!#

Handsomus and Theldorrin XIII trade blows in the center of the ring. Sella Phayne slaps his chest, mouthing off while pointing his 9mm at the camera. A shot of the Jack Masterson getting impaled in the face is followed by Puff Ryder FIRING OFF HIS EXTENDED BONG into Phayne's pick-up.

#COME-ON-COME-ON-COME-ON-COME-OOONNNRAAARGH!#

Baron Hoity von Toity DROPS AN ELBOW ONTO SAKETUMI'S SKULL. Masterson hurls a hatchet that flies into the mouth of the Minister of Beards, Guan Fei. Ooka Jooka flies HIGH ABOVE THE ARENA, his dick trailing behind him. Handsomus and Theldorrin clash CHARIOTS AT HIGH SPEEDS. Jonesie slashes off the many arms of Norman Bald-win, spewing forth decayed ooze and dried blood. Fancy Lala rolls around on the floor, shitting his pants, before the footage switches over to Kuroda plucking out Jonesie's eyeball with his toes.

#The RAAAAAPE! THE MURDAAAAAH! THE RAPE AND THE MURDDAAH MURDER RAAAPE!#

Krystol stands on the CELL IN THE HELL, Non-American Championship raised above his head. The giant hand of Apathetic Arschloch's DAD CRUSHES HIM INTO EL TIGRE! Saketumi and Jack Daniels HEADBUTT EACH OTHER OVER AND OVER, CAUSING THE GROUND AT THEIR FEET TO CRACK! Theldorrin XIV hovers above FUCK MOUNTAIN, wielding a massive MOLTEN BOULDER. Moloch Arschloch bites off Saito's fingers. Bin Destruction CRASHES DOWN FROM OUTER SPACE and collides into Puff Ryder's chest. Daniels hits both Theldorrin and Saketumi with bursts of flames. Handsomus soars into the sky on his guitar until he can no longer be seen. The music reaches it CRESCENDO and the FTUW logo BURSTS THROUGH A BRICK WALL, spurting blood from the hole for some reason. The screen fades to black.

FTUW Entertainment 2006. All Rights Reserved.

The camera pans over the MANIACAL CROWD as they scream wildly while waving signs and shit. In the background Viscerape's "Mother Fucker" plays, which is a song about boning your mom. An incredible portion of the crowd is wearing Goldman merchandise. Many fans are wearing foam pompadours in support of Rakkyu Saketumi. And other fans have snuck in alcohol and are in the process of getting shitfaced to, presumably, honor Jack Daniels. On the Faggotron is footage of men and women having sex, presumably related due to the theme of this Pay-Per-View but there isn't any guarantees.

J.R.: Welcome to Roy Jonze Jr. Presents: Super Taboo Tuesday! We're here LIVE on PAY-PER-VIEW, coming to you from the beautiful MADISON SQUARE GARDEN. The folks here are in a frenzy tonight as it looks like this may be the greatest Pay-Per-View in FTUW, no, in the history of the world! I'm Jim Ross and with me is the talented Warrior Warrior. Warrior, tell us your thoughts.

W.W.: After last Pay-Per-View I'm just glad to be back commentating in America, bringing the TRUTH to those whose government allows them to HEAR IT. Tonight is going to be an epic night, no doubt about it J.R.! The fans let their voices be heard and many of tonight's matches were picked by them! Sella Phayne takes on Fancy Lala in a DEATH RACE 2006 match! Guan Fei and Jack Daniels break their friendship to battle it in China, bringing 500 soldiers each with them to die for the Non-American Championship!

J.R.: Krystol takes on Hard'Rok in an Indian Burial Ground match to decide the #1 contender for the Non-American Championship! And Rakkyu Saketumi, after beating Jack Daniels at Riki-Oh! 2, gets another shot at the FTUW Championship, taking on Theldorrin XIV! This is looking to be a night to remember! But before we kick it off, we are going to introduce the special guest commentator that YOU CHOSE! Here he is, Sean Waltman, also known as "X-Pac!"

#X-PAAAAAAAAAAC! (X-PAC!)#

X-Pac bursts onto the stage as his music blares from the PA system. In his green-and-black tights, he hops around on the entrance ramp, shaking his fists wildly. He pulls a CAN OF ENERGY DRINK from his pants and DOWNS IT in one GULP. He begins RAPIDLY CROTCH-CHOPPING, saliva flying out of his mouth. While hopping, X-Pac slips and lands on the entrance ramp, breaking his neck again. The FTUW crew lift him up and carefully carry him to announcing booth. Despite the destroyed neck, X-Pac's spirits aren't dampened.

J.R.: What a fighter! He never gives up! Welcome to the booth, X-Pac.

X-Pac: X-PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAC!!

J.R.: And with that, let's go to the first match! The X-Box Live champion Corey N-Uh ... Corey N-goo-yen? Uh, against The Ant King!

J.R.: Well, FTUW fans, it's time for Super Taboo Tuesday to begin. Our first fight of the night is between Corey Nguyen, the champion of our online FTUW: RAW INTENSITY tournament on Xbox Live, and FTUW Superstar, the Ant King. Yes, the Ant King, a relative new comer to the FTUW ring, was chosen by YOU, the fans, to fight Corey Nguyen, known online as AZN Dik Kiker.

WW: That's right Jim. All of our fights tonight were set up by the fans. Just another proof that democracy and the Internet are keeping the American spirit alive through FTUW. The illustriousity of our commissioner, James Brock McHarris, is unmatched by anyone on this planet. That's right, Warriors, he's dedicated to making sure YOU know we value our fans and the money they give us every day.

J.R.: That's right, Warrior. James Brock McHarris is a real man's man. So, X-Pac, what do you think of Corey Nguyen's chances in this match up against the Ant King?

X-Pac: He's just some stupid Asian kid, who gives a shit?

J.R.: True enough. Let's head to the ring with announcer Todd Lightning.

"Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for BLOOOOOOOD SHED?" The crowd goes fucking nuts! "Coming to the ring first, the FTUW: RAW INTENSITY XBox Live tournament champion, from the city of San Francisco, California, COREY NGUYEN!" The crowd politely claps for the young Asian man who jogs down to the ring to some obnoxious techno music. He's about 5'5" and is wearing an FTUW: RAW INTENSITY t-shirt.

J.R.: If you like the shirt Corey Nguyen is wearing right now, you can order it for the very reasonable price of $50 on FTUWshop.com!

WW: 100% American made!

"And his opponent, from Chernobyl, Ukraine, the ANT KIIIIIING!" The giant red ant and his sidekick, Piccolo, walk down the ramp to the cheers of the crowd, thanking him for avenging 9/11 by shooting an Arab man like a million times. The Ant King is hella pumped by the display of affection and throws out hunks of Bi-Lo cheese. Piccolo, meanwhile, carries with him a large brown box. When the Ant King gets to the ring, he FUCKING GRABS the microphone away from Todd Lightning.

"Thank you fans for picking me to fight this FUCKING FAGGOT, but FUCK YOU FTUW for making me fight when i killed Bin Destruction AND THEN I HAVE TO FUCKING KILL THE GOT HAM MOTHER FUCKER AGAIN LATER!!!! IM ABOVE THIS SHIZ NIT MUH GRIZZLES!!! SUCK MY GAWD DAMN DICK AND EAT MY RUNNY DIARHEA SHIT SAUCE AND LICK MY RECTUM BIZ NITCH!!!" The Ant King throws the mic at Todd Lightning and then kicks him in the dick. The ref has to drag him out before the fight can begin.
"Wait a fuck gawd damn minute, i thot you were big!! What the FUCK??? Your wife's pussy was so loose that not even my **HUGE PENIS** could fit mother shit!!!" The Ant King is fucking flipping the fuck out. "You raped my wife? Oh my God," Corey cries and falls to his knees. "Why didn't she tell me?"

Corey flashes back to the day he won the FTUW: RAW INTENSITY tournament. He is sitting in his apartment when there is a knock at the door. He looks through the peep hole and IT'S A GIANT BLACK MAN! The black guy KICKS DOWN THE DOOR and beats the shit out of Corey, who cries like a little bitch. "Oh God, who are you?" Corey asks. "My name's Roscoe King, bitch. Where's my ex-wife? I'm gettin' some pussy tonight, you punk ass nigga." While Roscoe and Mrs. Nguyen fuck, Corey cries and plays FTUW: RAW INTENSITY with RAW INTENSITY. It's the only way he can express his rage without being destroyed by a giant black dude!

"NOOOOOOOOO!" Back in the present Corey runs at the Ant King, swinging his fists wildly. The Ant King shrugs off the punches and then kicks Corey in the dick! The Ant King then calls to Piccolo to throw him the box.

Corey gets up gingerly and when he looks at the Ant King all he sees is Roscoe King taunting him. "You want to play games BEE OTCH??? PLAY THIS SHIT!" The Ant King pulls out an XBOX FROM THE BOX AND SMASHES COREY'S HEAD WITH IT!

J.R.: Bah gawd! The Ant King is going to kill the poor kid!

WW: It's probably for the best. I mean, what kind of grown man plays video games all day? A liberal, that's who.

When the Ant King starts shitting on Corey's face, the ref vomits and then calls for the bell.

J.R.: It's a good thing the ref ended this one. I'm not sure what we were thinking when we set this up!

The bell keeps ringing, but now Piccolo is in the ring and he's helping the Ant King rape Corey Nguyen! Ant King is fucking his VIRGIN ASSHOLE while Piccolo continues to shit in Corey's mouth! The ref tries to break it up, but the Ant King fucking pulls out his AK-47 and kills him! Ant King keeps fucking Corey Nguyen, using Bi-Lo cheese as lubrication and firing shots into the crowd with every thrust, killing dozens and wounding dozens more. Finally, Corey dies from having his rectum destroyed and the Ant King and Piccolo go backstage.

J.R.: This really is the most despicable thing we've ever aired. I'm speechless.

X-Pac: I don't know, it kind of reminds me of when I'd let Joanie fuck me in the ass.

WW: OH MY GOD, QUEER! QUEER! QUEERING DOES NOT MAKE THE WORLD WORK, X-PAC!

X-Pac: I'm not gay! It was with a woman!

WW: Oh, okay. I guess that's fine. I was worried for a moment.

As if called by the mention of her name, Chyna walks into the announcer's booth, drunk and mumbling.

Chyna: Oh God, Sean, come back to me. I ... I made a mistake last time. I promise, I won't kick you out, I won't beat you anymore.

X-Pac: Oh, baby, I love you too. (He gets up to hug her.)

Chyna: (She pushes his head down to her crotch, pauses for a moment and then JACKKNIFE POWERBOMBS HIM THROUGH THE ANNOUNCERS TABLE) Fuck you, Sean. See what it's like to be embarrassed on national TV? Fuck you!

J.R.: Uh ...

WW: Jesus, am I in a trailer park?

J.R.: "And now here is a match you've all been waiting for, Robert McCoy's exciting debut bout!"

Warrior: "J.R.'s kidding aside, it should be noted that McCoy's fighting style of choice is Tae Kwon Do, one of those ridiculous fighting styles from the Orient. Just another sad example of good American boys so bafflingly infatuated with Asian culture that they choose an inferior fighting style from there instead of something actually useful like, gee I don't know, AMERICAN WRESTLING? Ever heard of that J.R.? Well fine, we'll stay right here in AMERICA and settle our disputes like men, behind Bertie's Bar with our FISTS and maybe a half of a beer bottle, whereas you pansies like Robert McCoy can go ahead and move to China and settle your scores like pussies, in big fields with cherry blossoms flying everywhere and shit, and practice your Chin Chow Fu and watch your Jap cartoons in some GODLESS WORLD."

J.R.: "Well, McCoy's opponent tonight happens to have his own ... unique fighting style from Asia. He's none other than Kuroda Saito, 'The Kanto Devil'!"

Todd Lightning begins his introductions as weird and shitty Japanese music plays over the speakers. Kuroda Saito begins moseying down the entry ramp with his hands in his pockets. There is a high probability that he is fiddling with his balls through the pockets.

"And hailing from Sewickley Pennsylvania, making his FTUW debut, Robert ... MCCOY!" He appears in the entrance and walks down the ramp confidently, wearing a Tae Kwon Do uniform, along with the symbol of his rank, the blue belt. "Tough Boy" plays over the speakers.

J.R.: "McCoy told me before the match that he hand picked this music himself! He said that it best represents his valiant quest for the FTUW championship, and what he's "about"."

Warrior: "Well with his chances tonight, he'd have been better off using "Why Can't We Be Friends?" Ha ha ha ha!"

J.R.: "Um, that's funny Warrior but The Simpsons already did that joke."

Warrior: "Figures."

McCoy continues on his path to the ring, repeatedly sniffing and wiping his chin with the back of his hand. He climbs into the ring and his music fades right after it reaches the "KEEP YOU BURNIN' " verse.

The bell rings and McCoy makes the first move, standing completely stationary, pivoting his foot and launching a back side kick toward Saito! But he dodges easily and punches McCoy straight in the face and he falls to the mat!

"Heh! You think you're so big, getting me with that punch? You may have hurt me, but you expended a lot of energy to do that, whereas I expended none to take the punch! You're tiring yourself out, Saito!" Boasted McCoy.

J.R.: "I'm not so sure McCoy's, well quite frankly, retarded strategy is going to pay off like he hopes it will."

Saito straddles McCoy and claws at his chest! He then picks out the flesh from underneath his fingernails and EATS IT! "Fu fu fu, maybe this'll make up for lost energy, desu?" He then he gets up and starts landing kicks to his body!

J.R.: "Good GAWD, Saito is stompin' a mudhole in him!"

Warrior: "No surprises here. McCoy can't even land a single hit with his Tae Kwon Do. I mean, Saito doesn't have to be a neurosurgeon to figure out how to beat this guy."

J.R.: "Well actually Warrior--"

Warrior: "You know what, I'm getting really SICK and tired of your contradicting my statements and shooting down my jokes, J.R., so don't even say it, don't even fucking say it!"

McCoy is unsure of what to do against this beating, because nothing in Master Daniel Wojehowski's teachings involved defending himself from the ground. He rolls and avoids a stomp and gets to his feet. Badly wounded and dazed, he starts to panic and tries negotiating. "Unhhhhh a tie! A tie! What do you say, Saito?! We're both really hurt and have exhausted a lot of energy, this stalemate won't end! Why don't we call it a draw, ref?!" He's obviously terrified to the point of losing his mind, and his clinging onto a ring rope is barely keeping him up on his feet, as he looks at the referee in desperation! "I have to get out of here! Come on call it a draw, and I'll still be undefeated, and I can go back and train. That's all I need to do is train a little more! I came unprepared, that's all that went wrong. I'm definitely better than this guy, but for now I gotta get out of here ..."

J.R.: Folks normally I'd say something like, 'BAH GAWD somebody stop the damn match! He's gonna KILL him!' But since this is after all Super Taboo Tuesday, he can do whatever the FUCK he wants!" (When J.R. says the word "FUCK" he sounds really awkward like a mild mannered teenage girl saying it to impress her cool friends.)

Warrior: "Be that as it may, J.R., this isn't even a wrestling match, this is a slaughter. Hopefully the FTUW bookers will avoid such lopsided match ups in the future. When a good, eager wrestler makes his FTUW debut, you don't put him up against bizarre products of p/c liberal media condoning and even encouraging reprehensible fetishes and lifestyles like Kuroda Saito. They could have ruined a promising career! Granted we are of course talking about Robert McCoy so there isn't exactly a career here to ruin, THIS time. But what if Kuroda Saito's next match up is against All American Charlie, fresh off his Olympic gold medal in wrestling, what then?"

McCoy's pleas for a draw are ignored by the referee and Saito jams his fingers into McCoy's solar plexus, simultaneously causing him to double over in pain and curing him of the hiccups! Saito takes off his boot and plants his bare foot right onto McCoy's face! He pinches his nose with two toes, then yanks it around; sickening crunching and smushing noises are heard as blood begins to seep out from his nose from under Saido's foot. Saido backs off and observes his opponent, lying on the mat beaten and bloodied. McCoy ponders the events of his life and becomes depressed, his confidence coming into the match long deserting him.

"I really am a worthless prick. No wonder my wife left me. I don't even know what I was thinking entering this league. I coulda just stayed back in the office. Saved about $5,000 each year and by the time I was 75 I'd have a real nice retirement fund and buy that boat I've always wanted. Heh, that would have been sweet. But no, instead I threw it all away, all to get my ass kicked by a god damn queer and die. HA! I made it my mission to beat THELDORRIN! All I ever wanted was ... was to be a hero." McCoy would give anything to be back in the office right now, where his worst fear was his boss giving him a "needs improvement" score on one of his bi-annual performance evaluations. Away from this carnage and this nightmarish Jap. He closes his eyes and waits for death.

"You aren't worthless! Get up, McCoy!" Shouts a familiar voice!

It's his Tae Kwon Do teacher, Master Daniel Wojehowski standing at ringside! He is a not very intimidating looking man of portly stature, but looks are deceiving I guess as he is in fact a 4th dan black belt.

"Master Wojehowski! You came, but I wish you hadn't, because this is the end of me. Please, make sure my kids never get a hold of a tape of this match--"

"Bullshit! Not only are you not dying, you're going to win this match. You have the spirit of a true warrior! Just think back to your greatest victory, Robert. Think!"

"What? Oh wait ... when I finally beat Sanchez in a sparring match? But that guy was--"

"No, no, earlier. It was before you met me."

"Jeez I dunno, beating up that 6½ year old kid when I myself was only 6?"

"No, Robert. Earlier than that."

McCoy is confused. What great victory did he possibly have before that, and how would Master Wojehowski even know about it?

"Robert, it was before you were even born! Yes it's true, that was the greatest victory of them all! You literally overcame odds of one hundred million to one! It was some 42 years ago, and your father had just finished banging your mother! Hundreds of millions of sperm had swam their way toward her fertile egg. Only about 25 out of those hundreds of millions even survived the perilous journey! And out of those 25 hardcore sperm survivors, only ONE succeeded in the end ... and who was that sole victor, McCoy?"

"It was ..." Robert McCoy's eyes snap open. The sudden revelation only now fully dawning upon him! His jaw goes agape, his heart starts beating rapidly, his entire body is shaking! "IT WAS ..."

Kuroda Saito is disappointed that his opponent hadn't put up a fight at all. "Ah well, looks like another night of sleeping on the crucifix for me," He says sadly as he strolls toward his fallen foe to apply the pin, when suddenly McCoy springs to life!!

"IT WAS ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

A SURGE OF ADRENALINE EXPLODES INTO MCCOY'S BODY! He leaps onto his feet with a mighty kip up and dashes toward the shocked Saito, then leaps HIGH INTO THE AIR, planting a flying side kick into his collarbone! The crowd goes more insane than any other crowd in the history of 3rd tier undercard matches!

"Yes, YES!! I understand now! I'm the only one who can defeat Theldorrin and become FTUW Champion! And you? Trash! A greasy prick like you doesn't even deserve or have the capability to lay a single hand on me! I am Robert McCoy god damn it, THE INVINCIBLE!!!" He punctuates each sentence with a vicious turn kick to the head or upper body! Saito staggers retardedly trying to keep balance and stay on his feet! McCoy finishes the assault with a powerful spinning turn kick, sending Saito backward into the corner turnbuckle! Allowing him no time to recover, McCoy rushes forward and lets loose a violent flurry of Tae Kwon Do punches! "KIUP KIUP KIUP KIUP KIUP KIUP KIUP KIUP KIUP KIUP KIUP KIUP KIUP!" Every punch slams into Saito like light delivery trucks!

J.R.: "It looks like everybody in the building underestimated Robert McCoy except his sensei!"

Saito finally falls, slumped in the corner turnbuckle. He is simply a train wreck; in addition to his pre existing scars, he now has bruises and welts on his body from all of McCoy's blows. Blood covers his face and is mixed in with his drool. Some of his piercings have actually been pounded deeper into his face! To top if all off, a HUGE BONER is visible in his pants and is quite clearly pulsating.

Warrior: "Jesus christ do I hate this queer."

Although it's hard to imagine anything other than a huge shit eating grin on Saito's face as a result of such pain, his expression is actually that of surprise and ... fear?! "Yare yare da, such lovely punishment but this won't do at all, nonononono! Can't afford to lose again. Otherwise ... McHarrisu will never give me a fight with ... Saketumi-chan <3" Saito grabs the turnbuckle and hoists himself up to his feet. McCoy looms over him, and Saito sticks his hand out in a weak attempt to block any incoming blow. McCoy responds by jumping high up in the air, and completing a murderous scissor kick, his heel smashing into the back of Saito's head and sending his face into the mat! McCoy rolls him over and pins him, strategically positioning himself over Saito's body to avoid his boner!

"ONE ...

TWO ...

THRE--"

RIGHT before the referee can finish the second letter "E" Saito kicks out! McCoy is so furious over Saito's audacity to continue, that he actually picks him up and throws him into the corner turnbuckle (a move not even mentioned anywhere in Tae Kwon Do!). He prepares to finish him off. McCoy takes a stance and pivots his foot, and Master Wojehowski, still watching from ringside, recognizes it immediately and gasps!

"McCoy, NO! A back crescent kick? You can't perform that technique, it is a brown belt move! You are only a blue belt!"

McCoy turns and looks at his master, his eyes alight with insane ferocity!

"I DON'T CARE!!!!!" He faces Saito again and executes the BACK CRESCENT KICK at Saito's head! ...Or at least it was AIMED for his head! Saito dives to the mat and dodges the kick! Saito sees his opening! He reaches up and clamps a hand on McCoy's testicles! He squeezes and pulls him down, then takes hold of McCoy's jaw, getting ready for his finishing move before it's too late!

J.R.: "He's going for the Ikebana! He's gonna rip his jaw clean off! Saito has had difficulty successfully performing this move in past matches, but let's see if he can pull it off tonight!"

Warrior: "Well he'd better do something or else he's more fucked than America if IT doesn't do something, I'm of course talking about the wanton flood of illegal Mexican immigrants into its great bosom!"

X-Pac: "X-PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAC!!!"

Warrior: "JESUS SHIT! I completely forgot that you were sitting there, X-Pac. Please warn me when you're about to speak in the future. It's not nice frightening me like that."

X-Pac: "Hey, Ultimate Warrior, I thought you died, man!"

WARRIOR FREEZES! His head rotates toward X-Pac at a terrifyingly slow rate until he meets his eyes with a deathly stare!

J.R.: "Oh hell, now you've done it, X-Pac! Don't you know that there has only ever been ONE Ultimate Warrior in the history of sports entertainment, and that he is the man sitting here with us today, and NO he is not dead, and the man changed his damn NAME to 'Warrior' and and and ..."

Meanwhile in the ring, Kuroda Saito pulls violently at his opponent's jaw! But McCoy, still riding the adrenaline coursing through him after realizing the circumstances of his existence, resists mightily! Saito finally gives up. That is, he gives up trying to tear McCoy's jaw off, and instead he shoves his WHOLE FUCKING FIST into McCoy's mouth, breaking 90% of his teeth in the process (only a few molars survive!)!! McCoy screams in agony as best as one with a hand in their mouth can, Saito's silver teeth clenched, his eyes bugging out of his head grotesquely as he summons every joule of strength he has to thrust his hand forward into McCoy's throat!

"Be still, Robertu-san," Saito whispers into his ear with chilling intensity. McCoy's face has turned completely red as he grips Saito's arm and pushes it, and tries to stop himself from throwing up! But it's no use, as just at that moment, Saito's increasingly sized BONER brushes up against his leg, inducing McCoy to vomit! (Swallowing about 25 of his own teeth and having a man's hand shoved into his esophagus were probably contributing factors as well.) The warm puke washes up against Saito's hand and it feels pleasant. His boner grows ever larger (if that's even possible). But with Saito's hand blocking the way there's nowhere else for the puke to go, and it falls back into his lungs, causing McCoy to gag uncontrollably! His body starts acting impulsively, flailing away at Saito's body with some weak blows in one final, desperate attempt to dislodge his arm, but it's no use! McCoy falls back unconscious!

"ONE ... TWO ... THREE!"

J.R.: "IT'S OVER! McCoy choked on his own damn vomit! Kuroda Saito has won! For a moment there I thought Robert McCoy had him beat! What did you think, Warrior? Uh, Warrior?"

Warrior is STILL staring intensely at X-Pac, who is looking straight forward nervously and watches Warrior in his peripheral vision, not daring to move a single muscle!
Ryoko's Biatch
Joined: 04 Jan 2007
Posts: 9255
(Mon Feb 12, 2007 4:18 pm)
Reply

Post     Re: Roy Jonze Jr. Presents: Super Taboo Tuesday (#9)

J.R.: What an exciting match that was! Now, to celebrate the release of the Saw II DVD (Available at Best Buy and everywhere DVDs are sold), FTUW has collaborated with James Wan, the director of the fantastic Saw movies to bring you this special match.

James Wan: I have to say, it was a great honor to get to work with FTUW. I actually skipped the Oscars tonight to watch the fight live with the rest of the fans. As those of you who've seen the Saw films probably realize, I'm a big fan of people being needlessly maimed and tortured for entertainment. This was a natural move for me and I hope you all enjoy it as much as you did my movies.

J.R.: I have no doubt that they will, James.

WW: I agree, Jim. I appreciate your dedication to breaking down the lies of p/c in your Saw movies. I hate the liberalism that runs rampant in Hollywood, but horror movies have always been huge advocates of traditional American values, such as punishing pre-marital sex with death. I really liked that one Chucky movie where the queer gets hit by a sixteen-wheeler. It should have won an Oscar, at least a nomination, you know? Yeah, you know what I'm saying.

X-Pac: Horror movies remind me of Joanie. God, I miss her so much. (X-Pac is drinking Christian Brothers brandy with a spork) X-PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAC!!

J.R.: Before we get into the match, let's show the fans these clips that were taped earlier today when our FTUW technicians picked up our competitors in this match inspired by the recent release of the Saw II DVD, available at Best Buy.

A grainy black and white security camera shows Jack "The Hatchet" Masterson running into an alley swinging a hatchet, following a hysterical woman. The view switches to a handheld camcorder that bounces around. Then whoever is holding the camcorder turns on the night vision and everything turns shades of green. Jack repeatedly buries the hatchet (lol) in the woman's chest and laughs. In his current state of blood lust he doesn't notice the man with the camcorder stick an ether-soaked rag in his face. Jack collapses into the camcorder guy's arms. The guy drops Jack on his face and turns to camera around to reveal the camera man is none other than COMMISSIONER JAMES BROCK MCHARRIS. He hands the camcorder to someone else to film him giving Jack Masterson a tombstone piledriver for no particular reason. Then he stands up and does the throat slash to signal the cameraman to turn the camera off.

Next we are shown another grainy black and white security camera, this time located in a fancy hotel suite. Moloch Arschloch dismisses Minister Grosse and then a classy German lady (hooker) services Moloch (blows him). Suddenly a team of men in SWAT team uniforms crash through the balcony window, led by James Brock McHarris. The SWAT team fires hundreds of tranquilizer darts into Moloch, but it isn't enough to stop the massive dictator as he throws the whore at the intruders, knocking a few out the window and off the balcony to their deaths along with the whore. McHarris, seeing that his men are incompetent, decides he'll have to take the duty upon himself to knock Arschloch out cold. He picks up two of the remaining men in uniform and throws him at Moloch. Moloch quickly removes his golden claw and impales one of the flying bodies, but the other knocks him to the ground, the tranquilizers finally taking some effect. He stumbles back up to his feet, but McHarris punches him in the face and he falls back down and doesn't get up. McHarris then pulls out a cigar and lights it.

WW: My God, I've never seen James Brock McHarris so healthy and virile! What a man! What a warrior! What a goddamned fine American!

J.R.: Indeed, Warrior. It's not often you see the commissioner of a wrestling federation play such an active role. And I'm sure it will stay that way for many years to come.

James Wan: Yes, when Mr. McHarris volunteered to help me capture the subjects, I was excited. I mean, I'm sure we could have done it otherwise, but here is a man who is truly dedicated to creating a quality product and damn the costs. Which I suppose is easy to say when you're as unbelievably wealthy as Mr. McHarris is.

J.R.: As long as he keeps signing the checks, I won't say a bad thing about the man.

X-Pac: I remember one time me and Joanie put our paychecks in the bank together. (He downs the rest of the bottle) God, someone get me another bottle of brandy. X-PAAAAAAAAAAAAC!!

J.R.: We'll have someone on that right away, X-Pac. Now, we go to a live feed from one of the many cameras inside of the underground facility located in an undisclosed location where Jack "The Hatchet" Masterson and Moloch Arschloch will compete in this match created to celebrate the recent release of Saw II on DVD, available now at Best Buy.

Jack Masterson awakes on a tiled floor. He stands up and realizes that there are shackles attached to his neck and left wrist and ankle. He pulls against the wall, but the chains won't give. He even tries unleashing his demonic powers but still nothing!

James Wan: Those chains were specially made for this match. We actually had a brand new metal invented that is virtually unbreakable by any means. The scientists named it McHarris Steel. After the chains were made, we had Pope Benedict XVI himself bless them so no demons or whatever could break them either.

J.R.: Wow! That is amazing!

Finally, Jack gives up trying to break free and looks to the floor. At his feet is the body of Don Knotts, his arms spread, a scalpel in one hand and a tape recorder in the other. Across from him is some kind of dark panel. The room looks kind of like an operating room. There are bright lights on the ceiling, an operating table pushed to one side and a sink against the other wall.

James Wan: You would not believe how much we paid to use Don Knotts in this. When we learned that he had died, I said, "Hey, we have to use this guy!" Luckily for me, Mr. McHarris respected my artistic vision and we got it done.

WW: Don Knotts is one of my favorite comedians and I was very sad to learn of his passing. I'll never forget that one episode of Three's Company when he thought Jack Tripper was queer. And that other episode where he thought he was going to get that woman to polish his knob, but then she didn't!

J.R.: Those episodes were memorable, indeed.

Not sure what else to do, Jack picks up the tape recorder and turns it on. A creepy voice comes out. "Jack Masterson, you've lived your whole life harming others. You're a serial killer and a devil worshipper. But now, instead of taking from society, you're going to have to give a little something back. You won't be cutting anyone open but yourself. I've taken the liberty of inserting several keys under your skin. I'm sure if you looked, you would notice the stitches. For each lock, only one of the keys works and there are over twenty keys. But I'm sure if you shed a little light on the situation, you won't bleed to death."

Jack picks up the scalpel, grins and gets to work, slicing open his left forearm, where he see a set of stitches. He only cuts open the wound and then tries to get the key out. The key is slick with blood and the cut is small, so try as he might, Jack cannot pull the key out. He rips his skin with his fingers. Finally, he realizes he's going to have to make a bigger hole. He picks the scalpel back up and cuts off the square of skin over the key. He barely lets out a grunt as he pulls it away to reveal the first key. He tries it first on his neck and nothing happens.

J.R.: Unbelievable! I've never seen anyone so willing to cause himself harm this side of Kuroda Saito!

WW: Queer. Fucking Queer.

The camera switches over to Moloch Arschloch, who just awoke while sitting in a chair. On his head is a giant ass-fuck helmet with all kinds of crazy shit on it and two blades sticking out, level with his neck. While his eyes adjust to the dim light in the room, a gay looking doll rides through the door on a tricycle.

"Moloch Arschloch," the doll speaks, "you think nothing of taking the lives of the innocent for your own gain. But now it's your head on the chopping block. From the moment you stand up, you have 30 minutes to find and kill Jack "The Hatchet" Masterson. Inside his chest, connected to his pulmonary artery, is the key you will need to undo the helmet you're wearing. Otherwise, you'll have no place to put that pretty gold mask you wear."

As the doll rolls back out of the room, Moloch stands up and a thingy on a string is pulled out and the timer on the helmet starts. "I don't know why they'd bother coercing me to kill that fag when I'd do it anyway." He reaches up with his good hand and breaks the blades off of the helmet.

James Wan: Shit, I didn't think he'd do that!

J.R.: That dirty Arschloch doesn't play by anyone's rules but his own and sometimes he even breaks those!

Moloch leaves the room and then the camera switches to a hallway. Moloch looks in various rooms filled with traps that he doesn't even try fucking with because there is no point to them. Just use your imagination and then ignore whatever you think of because we're not using that shit.

The camera then switches back to Jack Masterson's hospital room. He's covered head to toe in his own blood, grinning and gasping for breath. His left arm is free, but his neck and left ankle are still chained. A dozen keys lie at Jack's feet. In his delirium caused by blood loss, he looks to his right and sees a light switch. He vacantly swats at it and a light across from him turns on! They're x-rays of someone's body. Jack looks at them closely and notices there are three of them, each with an X drawn on them. Suddenly it dawns on him! The key locations! He raises his scalpel to his forehead and gets back to work.

James Wan: Honestly, I expected Moloch to kill him before he figured it out. But this could prove an interesting twist!

J.R.: Almost as interesting as when it was revealed that Amanda was actually the one behind the Jigsaw killings in Saw II!

James Wan: What the hell?

J.R.: Oops! I mean, that doesn't happen at all.

WW: No, I'm pretty sure you were right the first time, Jim.

Moloch is still wandering the hallway at a leisurely pace. He notices a camera and walks up to it. "I'd like to take this opportunity to say James Brock McHarris, the FTUW and the fans who chose to put me here are all faggots and idiots. What is this? The second or third fight on the card? I should be fighting for the FTUW championship, not dicking around with this dipshit. No one has ever dropped more balls except for Jonathan Corey "The Real Fuckin' Deal" O'Neil's mom. And by balls I mean testicles."

J.R.: Moloch Arschloch is clearly upset and has been since the card for Super Taboo Tuesday was announced!

WW: Fuck that liberal whiner. I can't believe he has the STONES to question the FTUW and its fans. I've been disgusted with this man ever since he murdered Bret Hart. He may not have been an American, but his values and work ethic were almost American and you have to appreciate that. A real champion and class act. Not that the p/c liberal media would let you know what a real champion looked like.

Soon after his rant, Moloch finally finds the hospital room that Jack Masterson was detained in. But all he sees is Don Knott's body in the middle of the floor! There are huge puddles of blood near the far wall. Arschloch assumes that Masterson must have escaped the room and come to look for him. As Arschloch turns to leave, Don Knotts stands up!

J.R.: Bah gawd! Don Knotts is alive! How did you fake his death, James?

James Wan: Well, we knew he was sick, so we just told the media he had died and everyone believed it because, hey, the man is 81 years old. Believe it or not, he's a huge fan of FTUW and was glad to play a part in the fight, but he wanted some compensation in case they gave all his stuff away thinking he died.

WW: Another FTUW first! Well, not counting Eddie Guererro and probably a few other guys. But Eddie was a Mexican, probably an illegal one, so he wouldn't count anyway.

"That Jack Masterson tried to kill me! I say this calls for action and now. Nip it in the bud. First sign of Jack Masterson, you've got to nip him in the bud," Knotts tells Moloch, his eyes all crazy as heck.

"I'm going to kill him. What else do you want me to do?"

"Well, don't just mollycoddle him."

"I won't."

"Nip it. You go read any book you want on the subject of murderers and you'll find every one of them is in favor of bud-nipping."

"Yeah, whatever, shut up."

WW: Haha, classic Barney Fife. I love this guy!

Moloch is about to finally leave the fucking room when Don Knotts starts spasming! "Oh God, what's happening?" Don asks to no one in particular. THEN HIS TORSO FUCKING EXPLODES AND JACK MASTERSON LEAPS OUT WITH SCALPELS BLAZING AT MOLOCH! Just when Jack brings the scalpels down to stab Moloch, he feels a sharp pain in his chest and he comes to a stop. He looks down and falls limp. He was fucking impaled on Arschloch's bone spear!

"Yawn," Moloch whispers and the Hatchet falls motionless to the ground. Moloch rips open Jack's chest and takes the key to unlock the device on his head. The helmet falls onto the ground with a clatter and Moloch turns for the third time to leave that fucking room.

J.R.: Unbelievable! Jack Masterson is dead!

James Wan: I didn't see that coming!

WW: Well, the fucking liberal queer deserved it for killing an American icon. Fuck that guy. I'm sure people out there are going to say that Jack Masterson was a victim of his environment, well guess what? Who cares! He made his choices and he got what was coming to him. We don't need this p/c bullshit telling us nothing is our fault! People need to take responsibility and Jack Masterson finally took some when he died. Good riddance.

Suddenly Jack's hand shakes and reaches up into his chest cavity. He begins massaging his heart to restart it! It begins beating again and blood shoots through the massive hole. He's lost so much blood and he can barely stand. But his demonic strength returns to him and he feels more powerful than ever. "I just had to bleed out all of the weak human blood in me. Now flows the blood of a demon!" Jack runs out of the door, cackling diabolically, to catch up with Arschloch, thinking about mounting Arschloch's head as a trophy, signifying the beginning of his reign as the most terrifying man on Earth or even in Hell itself! Moloch turns around, hearing the footsteps and is moderately surprised to see Masterson alive again with a gaping chest wound as well as various smaller wounds across his entire body.

Jack gets within striking distance and Moloch raises his foot, kicking Jack in his chest hole. It doesn't stop Masterson, though! He keeps trying to push forward and then Moloch's foot comes through his back! Taking advantage of the situation, Moloch brings his leg down and smashes Jack to the floor. With his other foot he stomps on Jack's face repeatedly. Then he brings his foot down one last time with a sickening crunch of Jack's skull and uses the leverage to pull his other foot out of the chest cavity. Jack's body starts shaking wildly and then disappears in a cloud of black smoke!

"What a waste of my fucking time. How the hell do I get out of here?" Moloch continues walking through the halls to find an exit.

J.R.: Wow! Jack Masterson is the first wrestler ever to actually die, come back to life and then be defeated again in a single match! Amazing!

James Wan: I'm just glad that the fight that I had a hand in creating to help promote my new DVD, Saw II, was so entertaining. Thanks to James Brock McHarris and the rest of the FTUW for giving me this wonderful opportunity.

J.R.: You're welcome, James. Congratulations to Moloch Arschloch and go buy Saw II on DVD at Best Buy!
Ryoko's Biatch
Joined: 04 Jan 2007
Posts: 9255
(Mon Feb 12, 2007 4:18 pm)
Reply

Post     Re: Roy Jonze Jr. Presents: Super Taboo Tuesday (#9)

J.R.: Welcome back folks, it's good ol' J.R. here to stall for time!

W.W.: That's right! Right now, as per fans demand, former FTUW announcer Tony Schiavone will be brought back to life! Tonight!

J.R.: And you guys thought we forgot about such a trivial addition invented at the last minute to give fans something more to vote on! Anyway, let's go to the RING where McHarris is already waiting to RESSURECT TONY SCHIAVONE with the DRAGON BALLS.

The lights dim as McHarris gathers the SACRED DRAGON BALLS in the center of the ring.

"Oh, great dragon! Please grant the wishes that God refuses when we pray!"

SUDDENLY, a GIANT FUCKING DRAGON APPEARS. Whoa!

"Whaaaat iissss youuurrr wiiiisssh?" the big fucking dragon asks.

"Please bring back TONY SCHIAVONE, for some reason," McHarris replies.

"Youuurrr wiiiiisssh issss graaanntteed ..."

And then the DRAGON VANISHES! Suddenly, TRUMPETS BEGIN BLARING! A spotlight FOCUSES ON THE RAFTERS. Confetti gently floats down from the CEILING. BEING LOWERED IS NONE OTHER THAN TONY SCHIAVONE, PLUS BODY!

J.R.: It happened! Tony Schiavone is alive again! It's a miracle!

TONY FUCKING SCHIAVONE raises a MICROPHONE TO HIS MOUTH as he descends towards the ring.

"Ladies and gentleman, it is a GREAT HONOR to be BROUGHT BACK FROM HELL for such a momentous occassion! First, I'd like to thank-" SUDDENLY, SCHIAVONE'S WIRES SNAP! Schiavone PLUMMETS TOWARDS THE AT HIGH SPEEDS, FUCKING SLAMMING HIS HEAD ON A TURNBUCKLE! It instantly DECAPITATES HIM, his head spinning in air! The head lands in the CROWD and the fans begins bouncing IT AROUND, FROM FAN TO FAN.

J.R. wipes a tear from his cheek.

J.R.: Ladies and gentleman ... Tony Schiavone is dead. Let's please have a moment of silence.

The camera pans slowly over the wild crowd, tossing Schiavone's head around, sometimes SPIKING IT like a volleyball. After about ten seconds the camera cuts back to J.R.

J.R.: Well, folks, I have a heavy heart when I say this but ... the show must go on. Tony Schiavone would have wanted it that way.

Fade out.

J.R.: Before our next match, the FTUW crew would like to honor a tribute to Tony Schiavone.

The screen fades to black and then fades into black and white footage. "You're the Light of my Life" begins to play. Tony Schiavone is shown descending from the rafters in slow-motion. The wires snap, and he falls gently before being decapitated by a ringpost. The footage ends with a shot of a fan hugging Tony Schiavone's head under his arm, all the fans around them pointing at Schiavone. Then one fans tries to pour beer into Schiavone's mouth.
Ryoko's Biatch
Joined: 04 Jan 2007
Posts: 9255
(Mon Feb 12, 2007 4:19 pm)
Reply

Post     Re: Roy Jonze Jr. Presents: Super Taboo Tuesday (#9)

The sky is pitch black. Lightning cracks in the background as the camera spins around a spooky cemetery. Not just any cemetery; an Indian cemetery!

JR: Folks, coming up shortly is the showdown between Krystøl and Hard’rok for the #1 contendership for the Non-American title. This feud started with Krystøl’s miraculous return to FTUW under his new identity in a triple threat match he wasn’t even a part of! Hard’rok feels that he could have won that match had Krystøl not intervened and won the title somehow. He cost Krystøl the belt at Riki-oh 2 and now he has his chance at revenge in the match that all of you voted for! There’s no way that this will be pretty!

Warrior: Indians are savages, and I mean that in the nicest way possible! Even today they still haven’t lost their roots and still communicate with mother Earth in a way hemp-wearing Democraps can never begin to understand!
Many people have thought that I’m Indian because of the war paint, the accessories around my shoulders, the dark skin, the cryptic messages, the trances in which I speak to various animal Gods and because I scalp people. But I assure everyone out there that I am, in fact, 100% red-blooded American!

X-Pac: And if you ain’t down with Indians, I got two words for ya! Suck it!

JR: And now let’s go to Todd Lightning for…

X-Pac: Are you saying you’re not down with Indians, JR?

JR: N…no, I have nothing against native Amer…

X-Pac: I don’t think you’re down with Indians, JR! I think you should just suck it!

JR: Now that’s appalling language!

X-Pac: Please…suck it…

JR As I was saying, now let’s go to Todd Lightning for the ring announcement!

X-pac (groping his dick): Would you like…to suck my balls?

Lightning: This match is an Indian Burial Ground Match! The only ways to win are through pinfall, submission or knockout! Anything and everything within the grounds of the cemetery can be used as a weapon. However, ancient voodoo magic will keep our competitors from stepping outside the boundaries until the match is over!

A jewel-encrusted helicopter flies over the cemetery and shines a kaleidoscope spotlight on the ground. A ladder is lowered with Krystøl hanging off the bottom rung. He waves and blows kisses to those all around while two voluptuous women hang off of his body. He steps foot onto the ground and the women weep and wave goodbye as the helicopter flies of into the night. Fireworks go off in the background, lighting the sky up with the word “Krystøl” in every color of the

Lightning: From some pit under where we had the Last House on the Left Match, weighing in at 81.65 kg, Krystøl!

Suddenly, a lightning bolt strikes the ground, causing fire and smoke to rise from the point of impact. The smoke begins to swirl and a pair of fierce eyes peek from within it. Lightning flashes again and Hard’rok can be seen standing where the smoke is swirling.

Lightning (the man): And from HELL (though originally Space Valhalla), weighing it at UNFATHOMABLE AMOUNTS, Hard’rok!

Both competitors stare each other down. Lightning rings the bell and quickly runs away. The ref is left alone with these hardened warriors in a giant deathtrap!

Hard’rok starts off by bringing three Indian bodies back to life. Unfazed, Krystøl cups his hands around his crotch and an ooze begins to flow. X-Pac is interested in this.

Warrior: Oh don’t tell me this sick queer is actually getting PLEASURE out of this! We already have one of those guys!

However, the ooze is not what everyone thinks it is. It’s actually life energy, so raw and powerful from Krystøl’s vigorous training and anticipation for this match that it’s literally oozing out of his hands. The ooze begins to harden and take the form of various hard and jagged gems.

Krystøl: Crystal Splash!

He fires the gems off like bullets, which impale and decimate the zombies. Hard’rok swats away what’s left with his cloak. However, he loses sight of Krystøl. Charging in at an amazing speed, Hard’rok doesn’t have a chance to act before he is in the clutches of a bearhug. Krystøl begins to squeeze the life out of him as Hard’rok struggles. In an attempt to break free, he puts his hands together and hammers on the back of Krystøl. In pain, he breaks the hold and staggers back, hunched over and gagging in pain.

JR Bah gawd, those clubbing attacks were like a branding iron on a scrawny steer!

Krystøl’s gagging turns to laughter. Hard’rok is confused until Krystøl stands up erect with Hard’rok’s medallion clutched between two diamonds on his chest. Hard’rok feels around his chest in a panic and realizes his reanimating jewel is now in his enemy’s possession. The medallion sinks within Krystøl’s chest and is encased in an impenetrable diamond shell.

Krystøl: Sorry sweet pea, but it’s over now. Now that your *shudder * putrid little ghouls are no longer a factor, I’m afraid you just don’t have what it takes to tangle with FTUW’s finest!

Hard’rok: Pfft, you’re as dense as the materials you’re composed of! Only a fool would think that the puppet master is weaker than his puppets!

This time it’s Hard’rok who charges too fast for his opponent to react. He punches Krystøl to the ground and begins stomping him. Krystøl rolls away, leaps to his feet, cracks his neck and spits out a glob of blood.

X-Pac: You can’t take a guy down like that. You have to pin him down, jump on him and ride him like a cowboy while shoving your crotch in his face. THAT’S how a man fights!

Both men lock-up, neither gaining the advantage. So Krystøl kicks Hard’rok in the gut a couple of times which gives him the opportunity to DDT him. He locks in an armbar which he holds there for a few minutes.

Krystøl: Elegance should not be rushed. Much like fine wine, you must sip it and appreciate its delicate aroma. By the time I’m through, you’ll be my finest masterpiece to date! A wonder for the ages! The pièce de résistance! The…

Hard’rok punches Krystøl in the face with his free arm, breaking his nose with a dull crack. Hard’rok seems unharmed by the hold.

Hard’rok: Save your pansy bullshit. If you want to hurt me, then you’ve got to hit hard! Like this!

Hard’rok takes a fallen tree branch and drives it into Krystøl’s throat. As Krystøl struggles to breathe, something that was already hard enough with a broken nose, Hard’rok wraps his hands around Krystøl’s neck and suplexes him like that, driving his head into the hard soil. Hard’rok pins him for the 1-2-kickout!

Hard’rok stretches as he stares down his opponent who is using a tombstone to prop himself up as he tries to catch his breath. Hard’rok is seething with hate towards the man who stole away his chance for gold, but isn’t foolish enough to take unnecessary chances. Krystøl rubs his hand over his shattered nose and shakes with anger. He clenches his fist and stares a hole right through the cloaked man.

Krystøl: In that case, I may just have to take your advice.

Krystøl kicks a clump of dirt that strikes Hard’rok right in the face. He’s barely able to clean the dirt out of his eyes before Krystøl smashes a tombstone right over his head! The tablet shatters into pieces and blood begins to stream from Hard’rok head. He falls to his knees, the world around him spinning as he tries to focus his vision. He begins to make it to his feet when Krystøl takes a large chunk of broken tombstone and swings it right into the already gaping wound on his skull.

Krystøl: Sit down!

Hard’rok is down for the count and Krystøl is absolutely livid! Wanting the ultimate in revenge for damaging his exquisite self, he takes the cloaked man and bends him over another headstone. He yanks down Hard’rok’s pants and pulls his long, pierced member out from his wrestling thong.

X-Pac: *sniff * McHarris remembered my birthday!

Warrior: Oh god, I’ll never be able to look Hard’rok in the face again after this!

Hard’rok, who was playing possum again, hits the newly exposed target with swift kick. Krystøl falls to the ground in agonizing pain as Hard’rok lifts his pants back up and chuckles.

Hard’rok: That’s better. If you’re really from Hell, then you should know how to fight like Hell!

Hard’rok lifts Krystøl up and powerbombs him onto the same headstone that Krystøl tried to rape him on. Two vertebrae crack from the impact, and jewel shards on his skin crumble and fall on the ground. Hard’rok tries for a second powerbomb but Krystøl punches him right above the eye. The jewels on Krystøl’s knuckles cut the flesh and blood begins to flow into Hard’rok’s eye. He lets go of his opponent and tries to wipe his eye clean to no avail.

Hiding in the new blind spot, Krystøl connects with an outrageous superkick that sends Hard’rok flying about fifty feet. Moving within the same blind spot, Krystøl dashes the full fifty feet and uses that momentum to unleash an even more deadly superkick that practically disconnects the victim’s head from its body! Hard’rok is sent sailing and crashes into an Indian casino, which had been built on the sacred land in spite of protests from the reservation’s elders.

Gamblers flee the scene once the cloaked man is sent crashing through the wall and ends up falling through a blackjack table. Krystøl climbs through the large hole he created and walks towards his foe. He grabs a martini from one of the shocked waitresses and pounds it back. He takes the toothpick from the olive and flicks it at Hard’rok’s other eye. Hard’rok rolls away in time but Krystøl drives an elbow into his face.

Krystøl lifts Hard’rok up on the craps table and hooks the man’s arms in a Pedigree-like fashion. Rather than shouting in his usual effeminate manner, he screams as he jumps off the table and stomps Hard’rok’s head into the ground.

JR KRYSTØLNACHT! KRYSTØLNACHT! KRYSTØLNACHT! IT’S OVER! IT’S OVER!

Krystøl covers for the 1-2….KICKOUT! HARK’ROK KICKED OUT OF KRYSTØLNACHT! Krystøl has no idea how this is possible and tries covering again. 1-2-kickout again!

Krystøl is pacing back and forth, biting his thumb. He lifts Hard’rok up for another Krystølnacht. However, Hard’rok takes a handful of poker chips and jams them down Krystøl’s throat. As jeweled warrior tries to free the objects from his windpipe, Hard’rok rips a roulette wheel off its hinge and flings it at Krystøl like a discus! The impact sends him flying through the wall opposite to the one that was already broken and back into the graveyard.

Hard’rok steps outside and sees that his opponent was sent flying into the section of the burial ground reserved for the tribe’s elders. He puts his ear to the ground and starts listening.

Warrior: He can hear it, JR. The howls of the dead! The screams of those who have passed from this mortal coil. They are not silent, just sleeping. He can reach into their very hearts and see what they once saw. Thousands of years of Indian history, locked with this very soil. Hard’rok will see past, present and future! Laid before him are two paths. Once path is a shining road, filled with flowers and sunshine. If he walks down this road, he’ll be comfortable and at ease. The other path…THE OTHER PATH, JR…is filled with thorns and blood. THAT’S THE PATH HE HAS TO WALK! If he walks down that path, then he’ll see all the great things that he can accomplish if he withstands the pain and suffering! He’ll see that no man has ever become a champion without first spilling his own blood! Without adversity, there is no victory! Without danger, there is no desire! There is no passion! And so Hard’rok will look to these elder and hear these words: “Keep fighting.” *whispering * Keep…fighting…

Hard’rok lifts his head back up and smiles. Krystøl makes it to his feet and picks up a gravestone. He screams and smashes it in Hard’rok’s face! He’s unfazed. Hard’rok retaliates in kind! Krystøl’s unfazed.

Both men trade punches, neither one moving an inch from the spot they’re standing in. And they do so, they do not notice the reanimated corpses of the past elders rising from the graves. They haven’t taken too kindly to the rampant destruction and desecration of their burial ground. One of them opens its mouth, devoid of skin and rotted muscle dripping off of it, and fires a ball of energy that sends both men flying.

JR: BAH GAWD! What the hell is this?!

Warrior: The souls of the dead are angry, JR! And now they want to take these two back to Hell in order to punish them for their sins!

The zombie elders grab both competitors and push them to the dirt. More arms burst out of the soil and start pulling the men down, down to the depths of HELL!

Krystøl smirks as he frees one of his arms and pulls a small gem out of his skin. He gently places it against the lips of the zombie on top of him and kisses the jewel. Then, with a great burst of energy, he tears free of the clutches he’s in and kicks the gem through the zombie’s head, splattering whatever brains are left inside out the back of its skull!

Krystøl gets up and looks over to where he sees a pile of zombie laying on top of his opponent. Satisfied, he eagerly awaits Hard’rok’s demise. That is until he’s until he’s German suplexed onto a coffin. He’s driven through the casket itself and through the newly dead village elder within. His attacker, none other than Hard’rok, holds Krystøl for the 1-2….kickout! Krystøl rolls away and gets to his feet once again, beginning to show signs of exhaustion.

Hard’rok: Those zombies won’t be getting up again. I don’t have my medallion, but I still have my way with the undead.

Suddenly, the ground splits open all around the two wrestlers and walls of tomahawks shoot up on every side! Hard’rok and Krystøl each pluck two tomahawks from the walls and swing them at each other. Both men end up with axes embedded in their chests. Bleeding heavily and badly wounded, they both collapse.

Warrior: Oh my god! They’re both dead!

JR: It can’t end like this!

Krystøl’s helicopter reappears in the air and the bimbos from earlier are lowered down to the ring.

Bimbo 1: We’re here to give you your fight back, baby!

At the same time, Hard’rok’s goth girl is seen falling in sky from out of nowhere. She pulls on her nipple piercings and a parachute opens up from within a patch of skin on her back. She lands next to her man.

Goth girl: It ain’t over yet!

The women fuck their unconscious men for ten straight minutes. Once they’re done, both fighters are revived and ready to rumble once again! The bimbos get back onto the helicopter and the goth girl pulls a piercing on her clit which makes her swell up like a balloon and float away.

Krystøl takes some powdered gems and blows them into the air. The dazzling effect of the moonlight shimmering off of them briefly fills Hard’rok with awe. Then he’s hit in the gut with something. Krystøl flicked a small gem at him and it hit him right in the belly button. Krystøl charges and dropkicks Hard’rok right in the belly!

JR: This is it! Rudy Tuesday! It’s over!

BUT NO! Hard’rok grabs Krystøl’s legs as he’s dropkicking and powerbombs him into one of the tomahawk walls.

JR: HE COUTNERED IT! GOODBYE, RUDY TUESDAY!

Krystøl is stuck on the multiple stone blades and his entire back is torn open. He’s an open target for Hard’rok who begins to punch him over and over again. Finally, Krystøl slips off and falls to the ground. The entire section of the tomahawk wall he was pinned to is red with his blood and the soil is turned to mud by the sheer amount spilled.

Hard’rok grabs both of Krystøl’s arms and begins to bend them. He’s got him in a double arm hold and intends on destroying both of the man’s limbs! Krystøl doesn’t even have the energy to struggle! Hard’rok laughs evilly and swings back to tear Krystøl’s arms off!

HOWEVER, Hard’rok suddenly realizes he can’t move his arms. That’s when he notices a mass of gems creeping along them. Krystøl sneers as he looks up and gets to his feet.

Krystøl: I was merely inviting you to get a little more…intimate! I guess you could say that this graveyard has become a Krystøl Meth lab!

Before the gems can crawl even further along his body, Hard’rok headbutts Krystøl away. However, both of his arms are already covered and rendered useless. He starts trying to kick Krystøl, but all of his attacks are evaded with ease. Krystøl trips him up and sends him tumbling face first into the tomahawks. As Hard’rok tries to free his face, Krystøl picks up a gigantic bust of one the village elders and slams it into Hard’rok. The wall breaks from the impact and Hard’rok is sent flying.

He gets up, a tomahawk still stuck into his skull. Between him and Krystøl, he’s definitely the one worse for wear. He knows that without his arms, he can’t win. So he puts forth all the energy he can muster into trying to flex his arms. The gems are jabbing into his skin, digging through flesh and bone. Finally, with a hellish cry, he is able to flex his arms and shatter all the gems off of them. He may as well have not bothered, however. Both arms dangle helplessly from his body, blood flowing down like a shower.

Warrior: This might as well have been a blood-siphoning match!

Hard’rok can barely see straight now. The blood from the tomahawk wound in his head is covering his face like a mask and getting in his eyes. He tries valiantly to swagger over to Krystøl but receives a kick to the gut. Krystøl drags his opponent to another open grave and Krystølnachts him into it!

Rather than pin his opponent, Krystøl pulls Hard’rok out of the grave and lays him facedown on the ground. Using his patented homoerotic headscissors (though X-pac would argue who owns that patent) he begins to apply Krystøl Meth!

Krystøl: Give up or you’re my latest masterpiece!

Hard’rok (gurgling on blood): Fuck…you…jizz…guzzler…

That answer just makes Krystøl even happier! He arches back and fully applies Krystøl Meth! Once again, jewels creep along Hard’rok’s body and begin to engulf him. Within a matter of seconds, he’s completely covered and Hard’rok struggles no more.

JR: HE…HE’S A STATUE! BAH MOTHERFUCKIN’ GAWD, HARD’ROK’S A STATUE!

Warrior: The result of a life of Satanism.

Krystøl bends down and looks the Hard’rok statue in the eye.

Krystøl: Thanks for the lovely evening, sweet pea. But I’m afraid it’s over between us now. I’ve already got a date with someone much more attractive: The Non-American title belt! I hope you’re not too heartbroken.

Krystøl removes the medallion from his chest cavity and places it around Hard’rok’s neck. He kisses his motionless opponent on the head and then walks away.

Lightning: Here is your winner by knockout: KRYSTØL!

Para-medics rush to the scene and attend to Hard’rok. It takes twelve of them to lift the jewel-laden man onto a gurney so that they can bring him to the ambulance. The para-medics try fervently to remove the jewels from the man’s vital organs. Hard’rok flatlines as the doors close and they drive off…
Ryoko's Biatch
Joined: 04 Jan 2007
Posts: 9255
(Mon Feb 12, 2007 4:19 pm)
Reply

Post     Re: Roy Jonze Jr. Presents: Super Taboo Tuesday (#9)

JR: Well folks, here we go, the second tag team match in the FTUW! As chosen by the fans, Goldman and Puff Ryder will take on the Ant King and Mohammad Jaffer Bin Abdul Destruction!

WW: I hope that Arab dies for good this time! He's a threat to American morals so long as the p/c liberal prick Jews let him stay on TV!

JR: I was under the impression Jews and Muslims didn't get along… But here we go anyway! To the ring and Todd Lightening!

Todd Lightening is already in the ring, and smiling gingerly at the crowd! The Tetris theme song starts playing!

Todd: Introducing first, coming all the way from Chernobyl, accompanied to the ring Piccolo, THE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANT KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!

The Ant King and Piccolo strut down the ramp! They make it to ring and Ant King immediately grabs the microphone from Todd Lightening!

Ant King: Listen up BIZNITCHES! I'm sick and fucking tired of this anal sauce! First, they put me up against some gay AZIAN fagot to open the goddamned show, now I'm in a tizag tizeam match with some mutherbitch I've never met before tonight! Let's get this shizzzzzznit over with, bitch!

The Ant King throws the microphone back at Todd Lightening, who picks it up off the mat with a less than pleased look on his face!

Todd: Introducing next, the tag team partner, from the Middle East, MohammadJafferBinAdbul DEEEEEEEEEEESTRUUUUUUUCTION!

Arab flute music plays over the sound system as Bin Destruction makes his way to the ring. He's carrying an oversized box cutter in each hand, waving them around and threatening to throw them into the crowd.

WW: Look at this, JR! This prick wouldn't even have the right to pull this bullshit off if it weren't for the Pride of America, the Bill of Rights! That sonuva bitch doesn't even get it!

JR: Our first tag team is in the ring now, and we're ready to meet the rest of this fan-picked bloodfest!

Todd: And their opponents, introducing first, from some ghetto, RAAAASHEED "PUFF RYDER" YOOOOOUNG!

Poorly produced, Indy rap music plays over the sound system as Puff Ryder dances sporadically to the ring. He's carrying a 9mm handgun in his right hand a 40 of Hurricane in the other. He gets in the ring and mouths off to Ant King and Bin Destruction, who are waiting patiently for the bell to ring.

Ant King: YOU ARE ONE DEAD NIGGER, BIZZZZNITCH!

Todd: And finally, accompanied to the ring by Olympas, from New York City, GOOOOOOOOOOLDMAAAAAAAN!

The two work their way to the ring while shitty Jewish music plays. Olympas stays on the outside while Goldman climbs through the ropes. Goldman immediately informs Puff Ryder that he's not beginning the match and climbs back out to the apron. Puff Ryder looks at him in that confused/angry face black people make and declares "Fuck niggah!"

At the other corner, the referee is trying to get one man out of the ring. The Ant King and Bin Destruction both want to start the match! Bin Destruction pulls box cutter and Ant King pulls his AK-47! Both are prepared to kill the other!

JR: Good lord! The match hasn't even started yet, and we may see someone die!

WW: Everyone knows the Reds and the AY-RABS don't get along, JR! Look back at the 80s! I bet Ant King was there at one point, seeing as how he's a communist "for the people" liberal moron! And that Jaffalaffa guy probably got his shit kicked in for being an ARAB!

JR: Sure thing! Let's get this match under way!

Piccolo tosses a coin to see who gets to start off the match against Puff Ryder and Ant King loses! Ant King steps to the apron and the ref can finally ring the bell! The match is under way, almost ten minutes after the wrestlers were first introduced.

Puff Ryder starts off the match by running at Bin Destruction, who is still gloating to Ant King about being in the match! Puff Ryder lands a charging forearm straight to the back of Bin Destruction's neck, sending him sprawling into his own corner! His arms wave and one of them tags Ant King's shoulder!

Ant King: YAAAAA MOTHER BITCHES!!!!

Ant King climbs to the top of the turnbuckle and dives at Puff Ryder, landing a splash across his chest! They drop to the mat and the ref starts the three count!

One!

KICK OUT! Not even close to two!

JR: Oh! Not even close!

WW: Yeah, kind of like Russia winning the Cold War!

Ant King is furious, thinking his high risk moves would finish off Puff Ryder quickly. Ant King jumps to his feet and grabs Puff Ryder by the neck. He starts giving Puff Ryder knees to the face! Puff Ryder reaches up and grabs Ant King's leg and trips him!

JR: The Ant King looked like he'd be staying on top of Puff Ryder for a while there, but Puff Ryder had a different plan!

Puff Ryder begins stomping Ant King's balls, causing his eyes to bulge as he lets out a scream of pain!

Ant King: OOOOH!

Piccolo: Get up boss!

Piccolo starts to sweat as he sees Puff Ryder repeatedly crush Ant King's balls! Suddenly, Bin Destruction CLOTHESLINES THE FUCK OUT OF PUFF RYDER! The ref tries to get Bin Destruction out of the ring, but he's fighting back! He tosses the referee to the ground, sliding him out of the ring! Goldman rushes in, tagging Bin Destruction in the jaw with a strong straight punch! Bin Destruction reels, but stays on his feet! He yells something about a Jihad and raises a box cutter into the air! He charges Goldman! Goldman doesn't know what to do!

*CLANG!*

The sound of metal striking metal! Olympas has entered the ring and blocked the box cutter with a GOLDEN STAR OF DAVID, all but one side laser sharpened! Bin Destruction looks surprised, and Piccolo jumps into the ring! He attacks Olympas, and the two tumble to the mat! That's the opening Goldman needed! He kicks Bin Destruction SO HARD in the gut, he drops his box cutter, and it sticks in the mat BLADE FIRST, standing on end!

Goldman lifts Bin Destruction and POWERBOMBS THE FUCKER OVER THE TOP ROPE INTO THE GUARDRAIL! The guardrail bending and twists, and the fans in the first row scream with joy! Bin Destruction lays motionless, groaning slightly!

JR: BAH GAWD! BAH BAWD! HE'S BROKEN IN HALF! Goldman broke him in half!

WW: That's what the terrorist fucker gets, JR! It's a sign to all the Middle Eastern bastards out there that the Jews are tired of taking their shit…!



…the jews are greedy bastards.

The Ant King is up, and he and Goldman are trading punches in the center of the ring! The referee is back up, working his way under the bottom rope. The first thing he sees is Olympas beating the shit out of Piccolo in the near corner! He runs over and tries to drag Olympas away! Olympas reaches down and picks up his bladed Star of David and THROWS IT WITH EXPERT PRECISION. It strikes Piccolo's thigh and stays there! Piccolo wails and rolls out of the ring. The referee has almost regained control of this embarrassment to wrestling!

Ant King and Goldman are going back and forth, blow for blow, punch for punch! Both athletes are bleeding from mouth and nose! Goldman runs over and grapples Ant King from behind! He holds Ant King steady, and Puff Ryder smirks.

Puff Ryder: Fuck yeah. Let's finish this bitch off, nigga.

Puff Ryder pulls two pairs of brass knuckles from his oversized PHAT FARM jacket pocket. He begins pounding Ant King's face, throwing blood all around with each hammering blow! The referee has tossed Olympas to ringside, and comes back to see the massacre!

JR: GOOD LORD! A DOUBLE TEAM! The Ant King is in trouble here!

WW: Who would have guessed that a Jew and a black would make such an effective team?

Puff Ryder nods to Goldman and grabs Ant King by the head. He sets him up for a vertical suplex! Puff Ryder holds Ant King over his head, ready to drop! Goldman climbs to the top rope and DROPKICKS ANT KING IN THE NUTS, the momentum throwing Ant King back! Puff Ryder drops straight down into a BRAINBUSTER, and the Ant King's blood splatters over the canvass!

JR: BAH GAWD! What a maneuver! That's gotta be it!

X-Pac: X-PAAAAAAAAAAAAAC!

Puff Ryder lays on top of Ant King for the pin! Goldman turns to the crowd and starts to wave! The referee begins his count!

ONE!!!


TWO!!!

THR---!!!

Bin Destruction stabs Puff Ryder in the shoulder with a box cutter causing Puff Ryder to jump up in surprise! Puff Ryder yells, and Goldman turns to see what the fuck is up! Bin Destruction pulls the box cutter he dropped earlier out of the mat and charges Goldman!

Bin Destruction: AAAAALALALALALALA!

Goldman is stunned! He doesn't know what to do! Suddenly, Olympas calls out Goldman's name! He tosses Goldman his Star of David! Goldman catches it just in time to block Bin Destruction's box cutter attack! Their blades clash, and sparks fly around the ring! The referee is checking Puff Ryder's back on the other side of the ring and is too busy to intervene! Goldman and Bin Destruction's weapons shutter under the strain!

Bin Destruction: Prepare for hell, infidel!

Goldman: You radical Muslims have pushed around the well-mannered, God-fearing Jews for long enough! I'm sending you to the next life for good!

Goldman pushes as hard as he can, sending Bin Destruction back a couple steps! Bin Destruction prepare for another attack, but Goldman ducks and slides under Bin Destruction's arm! He's behind Bin Destruction now and stabs him in the spine with the Star of David! He pulls it out, exposing the bone, and tosses the Star to the side! Goldman spins Bin Destruction around by the shoulder and gives him a KICK TO THE GUT! He shoves Bin Destruction's head between his legs and grapples him around the waste!

JR: Is this it? Is this the Matzohcre?!

WW: What the hell did you just say, JR?! We speak English in America!

Goldman lifts Bin Destruction into POWERBOMB POSITION! He motions to Puff Ryder, who pushes the referee aside and climbs the turnbuckle! Goldman LEAPS HIGH INTO THE AIR and drops Bin Destruction into PILEDRIVER POSITION! At the PEAK, Puff Ryder grabs hold of Bin Destruction's ankles and the two men SPIKE PILEDRIVER BIN DESTRUCITON INTO THE MAT FROM TEN FEET UP! Bin Destruction's neck snaps to the side with an audible CRACK!

JR: BAH GAWD! DOUBLE TEAM MATZOHCRE! THEY KILLED HIM! THEY DAMNED KILLED HIM!

WW: I've never seen blacks and Jews work so well together since Will Smith starred in Ali! Abbadabba is done for!

Puff Ryder lays on Bin Destruction for the pin! The referee counts it, even though Bin Destruction's not the legal man!

ONE!!!

TWO!!!




THREE!!!

The ref calls for the bell and the match is ended! The crowd goes wild!

JR: Good lord! It's over! The Ant King won't be happy once he wakes up!

WW: No communist scum is ever happy over losing, just like in the Cold War or WW2!

JR: The Russians were our allies in World War II, Warrior!

WW: Shut up JR! I'm talking! That Red and that Muslim got what they had coming!

JR: Puff Ryder and Goldman will be celebrating this win, I'm sure! Now that THAT'S done with, let's finally get on with the rest of Roy Jonze Jr Presents: Super Taboo Tuesday!
Ryoko's Biatch
Joined: 04 Jan 2007
Posts: 9255
(Mon Feb 12, 2007 4:20 pm)
Reply

Post     Re: Roy Jonze Jr. Presents: Super Taboo Tuesday (#9)

J.R.: What a match! Krystol is the #1 contender for the Non-American Championship. Will he reclaim next PPV?

W.W.: Let’s hope to God that fucking queer doesn’t. He already stole the belt once, making a mockery of a title with little prestige as it is. It’s called the Non-American title for a reason, folks. Just like the World Series simply takes place in North America. There are other baseball teams in other countries but seriously, who gives a fuck?

J.R.: Regardless, our next match seems like it’s going to be a good one! Sella Phayne and Dr. Daniel Mented have had quite a feud growing and tonight’s match looks like it’ll be the one to end it! Phayne killed the genetic abortion known as Bizarro Ooka Jooka only to cause Mented to unleash an even more terrifying and disgusting creature, Bizarro Fancy Lala! For the Death Race 2006, Phayne, Macho Man Randy Savage, Dr. D. Mented, and Fancy Lala have been dropped off in a random city, strapped with bomb collars and given a GPS system. The object is to pass a series of checkpoints before time runs out. The first one to the goal is the victor!

W.W.: Well, that doesn’t sound that great, J.R.

J.R.: It’s called a Death Race for a reason! There are no rules. They could just stand there and beat the shit out of each other for all the FTUW cares. But if they have any sort of self-preservation instincts, they’ll have to hightail it from point to point, using whatever weapons and vehicles they can find! But enough talk, let’s go to our camera men who are waiting for the race to begin.

The feed switches to a city street, it looks like somewhere in Manhattan. Dr. Daniel Mented stands beside the monstrous Bizarro Fancy Lala, both of them already strapped with bomb collars. Mented curses as he looks through the GPS system given to him. Ten feet away Macho Man and Phayne stand on the corner, Phayne dealing drugs.

“Man, fuck this house arrest shit,” Phayne says, tugging at his bomb collar, “This shit’s fuckin’ gay, I’ma shove my Reeboks up that albino motherfucker fat fucking ass for putting me in this shit.” Macho Man nods solemnly.

“Lala, as soon as the signal for the race begins, crush those two assholes,” Mented points to Macho Man and Phayne, “Then carry me to the finish line.”

“Duh,” Lala farts.

A referee walks into the middle of the street, raising a gun above his head. He fires it into the air to signify the start of the race. Phayne immediately dropkicks the referee and steals his gun.

“Eat lead, nyeguuh!!” Phayne screams, emptying the revolver into Lala’s distended gut. The bullets are simply absorbed in his gelatinous belly before being rebounded back. Phayne ducks down when the street light above him explodes!

“Fuck that bitch up, Macho Man! I’mma find us a ride!” Phayne says, running down the street.

“Don’t let that faggot escape, Lala!” Mented screams. Lala begins to plod towards Sella Phayne but Macho Man stands in his way!

J.R.: It looks like we got a good ol’ fashioned street fight on our hands!

Macho Man rips off his shirt and grapples with Lala. Despite Lala being three times his size, Macho Man doesn’t budge! Randy Savage’s arms begin to bulge, VEINS APPEARING ALL OVER HIS BODY. With a grunt, he throws Lala to the ground!

“You fat idiot!” Mented screams! Sella Phayne pulls up in a Cadillac, an elderly lady’s corpse hanging out of the passenger side window. Macho Man tosses the bitch out and hops in. Phayne fires a gun into the air in celebration before peeling out!

“Get up get up! They’re going to beat us!”

J.R.: Only two minutes before their bomb collars detonate! They better make it to the first checkpoint!

X-Pac: S-S-S-S-Suck it!

Phayne drives recklessly down the road, drifting around corners, occasionally crashing into a random pedestrian.

“Where we going?” Phayne asks. Macho Man thumbs through the GPS, his drug-rapt brain unable to make heads or tails of the directions. Phayne ends up circling the same building repeatedly.

Phayne looks in his rear-view mirror and sees Lala charging with Mented sitting on top of his head. Suddenly, a Coca-Cola machine is tossed in front of Phayne’s Caddy, Sella just able to swerve out of the way! Soon more things fly: a P.O. box, a lamppost, garbage cans. Phayne keeps swerving, allowing Lala to catch up!

“Take care dat mothafucka!” Phayne shouts. Macho Man climbs out of the window of the SPEEDING CADILLAC and stands on top of the roof! Lala is within ten feet of the vehicle now! Macho Man whips a bag of cocaine AND BITES INTO IT, COVERING HIS FACE IN THE POWDER!

“OOOOOOOHHHH YEAAAAAH!!” MACHO MAN SCREAMS, HIS EYES ACTUALLY BULGING SO HARD THEY BREAK THROUGH HIS RIDICULOUS LOOKING SUNGLASSES! Macho Man leaps off the FUCKING VEHICLE AND LATCHES ON LALA’S FACE! Mented is toss from his monstrosity as Macho Man DDTs him to the fucking ground! Phayne continues to drive, leaving his partner behind. A few fans begin to cheer at the checkpoint as they see Phayne approaching, then begin to run as they realize Phayne is driving on the sidewalk!

J.R.: Phayne passes the checkpoint! Thirty-seconds left! This match could end right here!

Mented rubs his head as he climbs to his feet. Lala and Macho Man are duking it out! Lala throws a TREE-TRUNK ARM and knocks Macho Man into a parked car! Mented orders Lala to return to him but Lala doesn’t respond! Mented looks at the bomb collar strapped on his neck. “I don’t have time for this!” Suddenly, a car drives down the road. Mented leaps in front of the car, whipping out a handgun from inside his pocket. He gets in the backseat of the vehicle and tells the driver to go straight ahead!

J.R.: Mented just hijacked that car!

Phayne continues driving down the road, completely oblivious that Mented is hot on his tail! At 15 seconds left, Mented passes the checkpoint!

“According to this, the race will end once I cross the bridge. Keep going straight, driver!” Mented orders.

Phayne continues driving, not exactly making any progress. He drives through a bunch of dining tables in front of a café. Mented continues to head for the goal. The time limit ends … but Lala and Macho Man have found their way through the checkpoint! The camera men have lost track of them.

The car Dr. Mented is driving in comes to a stop. Mented looks up from his GPS, irate.

“What is the meaning of this, driver?”

“It’s a traffic j-jam, sir!” the fatty driver replies, “I can’t move forward!”

“Hm, that side walk looks big enough.”

“W-What?!”

“Do it. Or you’ll die!”

“O-OK!” the driver complies. He pushes up on the crowded sidewalk and begins driving. Pedestrians see the man and begin diving out of the way.

“Faster,” Mented smiles.

“Right!” the driver says, driving forward with one eye open. SOON THE CAR BEGINS CRASHING INTO PERSON AFTER PERSON, BODIES BEING FLUNG INTO THE AIR FROM THE IMPACT! One guy GETS CAUGHT IN THE GRILL before being dragged under the vehicle itself! Within fifteen seconds the entire car is covered in blood and chunks. Mented passes the second checkpoint![/i]

J.R.: What a monster! What a goddamned dirty monster!

“Man, where the fuck did Macho go?” Phayne says, reaching into his pocket withdrawing his cellphone. As he takes his eyes off the driving he crashes into a person, FLINGING HIM THROUGH THE WINDSHIELD! Phayne rolls along the ground repeatedly before crashing into a lamppost. Phayne gets up and looks at his torn jersey. He raises his 9mm to the man who stopped him and sees Fancy Lala, sitting on his ass in the middle of the road, eating a tree.

“What the fuck? Aw nah,” Phayne starts shouting, “Man, fuck dis shit!” Sella Phayne fires off his pistol, the bullets once again not affecting Lala.

J.R.: Where the hell is Phayne anyway?

Mented’s blood-soaked car continues down the road, getting closer to his destination. Mented looks at his GPS and still sees both Macho Man, Phayne, and Lala are still alive. He begins to curse until he sees something disturbing. Macho Man’s dot is CLOSE. More than close, IT’S RIGHT ON TOP OF MENTED’S DOT!

Something catches the driver’s eye. HE LOOKS UP AND SEES A FIGURE STANDING ON A FUCKING ROOF OF A TEN STORY BUILDING! THE RIDICULOUS RED AND GREEN COWBOY HAT, MASSIVE BEARD, AND BULGING EYES REVEAL IT TO BE NONE OTHER THAN MACHO MAN! Macho Man LEAPS OFF THE BUILDING AND DOES A FUCKING SAVAGE ELBOW ONTO THE CAR’S ENGINE, CAUSING THE FUCKING VEHICLE TO FLIP, SENDING THE DRIVER THROUGH THE WINDSHIELD AND DR. MENTED OUT THE CEILING!

J.R.: BAH GAWD! BAH GAWD! He nearly killed them all! And there’s only twenty seconds until the second checkpoint time limit FINISHES. Phayne and Lala are still nowhere even close!

Phayne charges Lala, climbing up his back and CHOKING the fatty with HIS JEWELRY. Lala doesn’t seem to notice and continues the gnaw on an uprooted tree. PHAYNE takes his EMPTY PISTOL and begins SLAMMING IT INTO’S LALA’S H

“That’s right, nigga that’s right!” Phayne, “Fuck you motherfucka! I’mma pistol-whip bitches like you all day long muthafucka this ain’t no shit!” Lala, finally getting irritated, slaps the holy shit out of PHAYNE, ROCKETING DOWN THE STREET AT HIGH SPEEDS!

Macho Man climbs off the flaming wreckage of Mented’s car while Mented struggles to his feet. Mented’s body suit protected him from the fall but not completely. Dr. Mented finds trouble standing as Macho Man walks over to him.

“Oooooh yeaaaahhh …” Macho Man says HAUNTINGLY. SUDDENLY, Phayne SAILS OUT OF NOWHERE and CRASHES INTO MACHO MAN, knocking them both to the ground! Mented takes this as an opportunity to escape! He takes his pistol and blows away the chain on a 6-Speed bike! He hops and peddles for dear life!

Phayne lays on top of Macho Man in a daze. He shakes his head and sees himself lying on top of the muscular superhuman. Phayne jumps off and starts posturing to excuse the fact he was prone on top of a man wearing spandex pants.

“Let’s go Macho Man,” Phayne says, “I just found what we need.” The camera pans over to a gunstore.

J.R.: Mented is ahead of the pack but there’s only seconds left before the BOMB COLLARS go off for those not past checkpoint two! And that person is Lala! There’s no way he can make it now!

The camera switches to Lala. A LED display on the his collar counts down: 3 … 2 … 1. AND EXPLODES! Lala’s head is covered in flames!

J.R.: Bah Gawd! Bah Gawd! Lala is dead!

W.W.: We aren’t lucky, J.R.! Look!

The flames go away, showing a slightly burned Fancy Lala, a small amount of blood trickling from his neck.

W.W.: The FTUW crew should’ve known that mere explosives wouldn’t kill Lala.

J.R.: Lala is now playing OUTSIDE THE RULES! How will this effect the match?!

Lala gets up and crouches down in the direction of Mented, Phayne, and Macho Man. Much like the “wrestler” he was cloned from, he bends down and UNLEASHES A HELLACIOUS FART! The crowd impacts from the force and the ONE TON MONSTER is SENT FLYING THROUGH THE AIR! During his flight he clips the corner of the building, destroying it without stopping!

The camera switches back to PHAYNE and MACHO MAN, in a new vehicle, LEANING OUT THE WINDOW while FIRING SHOTGUNS AND AKs at random. In front of them is MENTED, still riding on his bicycle, trying to dodge THE HAIL OF GUNFIRE that’s killing PEDESTRIANS all around him! They all pass through the THIRD CHECKPOINT!

J.R.: Now it’s just the finish line! The first person to cross the MANHATTAN BRIDGE wins!

“Blast that mothafucka, Macho Man!” Phayne shouts, HANDING HIM A ROCKET LAUNCHER. Randy Savage leans out the window and AIMS THE ROCKET, only to fire and completely miss. The rocket flies into a gas station, making for a spectacular explosion that kills tons of people.

J.R.: Jesus fucking Christ!

W.W.: J.R.! There’s never an excuse to take the Lord’s name in vain!

Flaming beings ROCKET THROUGH THE AIR, barely missing Mented still PEDDLING AWAY. Phayne EMPTIES the clip to his ASSAULT RIFLE and EXTRACTS A BULLET. He unscrews the bullet and pours GUNPOWDER INTO HIS HAND. He offers the gunpowder to HIS COMRADE.

“You ready to break out?!” PHAYNE SCREAMS.

“BOOOONNEEEESAAAAAWW IS REAAAAADYY!!” MACHO MAN SMILES INSANELY.

MENTED BEGINS CROSSING THE BRIDGE WITH PHAYNE AND MACHO MAN CLOSE BEHIND! Despite the fact that PHAYNE could probably run over Mented at any time they INSTEAD PREFER TO TAIL HIM AND TRY TO BLOW HIM AWAY WITH GUNS. Phayne fires at CARS going in the opposite direction for no reason. MACHO MAN CAREFULLY PLACES THE GUNPOWDER ON THE DASHBOARD.

“This nigga just won’t die!” Phayne spits, lighting up a DOOB.

SUDDENLY, BIZARRO FANCY LALA SAILS THROUGH THE AIR, HIGH ABOVE MANHATTAN! Mented looks up IN HORROR AS THE FATASS BEGINS TO DESCEND. Lala crashes into THE BRIDGE, CAUSING THE ENTIRE THING TO SHAKE! The BRIDGE BUCKLES, THE ROAD COLLAPSING, causing MENTED TO RAMP OFF A CHUNK OF GROUND AND FLY THROUGH THE AIR, SAILING OVER CARS!

J.R.: BAH GAWD! BAH GAWD! FUCKING FANCY LALA HAS EXPLODED THE MANHATTAN BRIDGE!

The sudden CRASH causes THE SUSPENSION WIRES TO SNAP! They come DOWN LIKE WHIPS, TEARING CARS IN HALF AS EASILY AS CIVILIANS! THE SUDDEN JOLT CAUSES MACHO MAN TO INHALE SOME OF THE GUNPOWDER! WITH A MIGHTY SNEEZE, HE BLOWS THE GUNPOWDER AT PHAYNE! THE GUNPOWDER PASSES PHAYNE’S LIT DOOB, TURNING IT INTO A FUCKING FIREBALL! THE FIREBALL SAILS OUT THE WINDOW AND HITS FANCY LALA IN THE FACE, MELTING HIS EYE BALLS OUT OF HIS SKULL!

J.R.: I DON’T WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED BUT LALA’S HEAD IS ON FIRE! AGAIN!

MORE SUSPENSION WIRES SNAP, ONE SLICING CLEAN THROUGH LALA’S ARM, SEVERING IT! LALA CRIES IN AGONY BEFORE FALLING BACKWARDS, OFF THE MANHATTAN BRIDGE! A GIANT GEYSER OF WATER EXPLODES WHEN LALA HITS THE WATER, IMMEDIATELY SINKING TO THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN.

“S-Shit,” Phayne says in disbelief. THE BRIDGE BEGINS TO COLLAPSE at the IMPACT POINT! Phayne PUTS THE CAR IN REVERSE, DRIVING BACKWARDS THROUGH ALL THE PEOPLE TRYING TO ESCAPE. Macho Man and Phayne make it off the bridge just before it collapses.

J.R.: I can’t believe it! They just took out the Manhattan Bridge!

ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE BRIDGE MENTED FINALLY DESCENDS, crashing his 6-SPEED BIKE into the ground! HE HITS THE ROAD AND TUMBLES REPEATEDLY, HIS BODY SLIDING JUST PAST THE FINISH LINE!

J.R.: MENTED WINS! MENTED WINS!

The bomb collars on Phayne and Macho Man deactivate and fall off. They get out of their junked car and stand on the edge of where the bridge used to be, watching the wreckage sink to the bottom along with dozens of cars.

“Man, this is bullshit,” Phayne curses, “This can’t get any worse.”

SUDDENLY, A FIGURE IN A TRENCHCOAT APPEARS BEHIND THEM. The man reaches into his coat and WITHDRAWS A HANDCANNON. Macho Man turns JUST IN TIME TO SEE THE MAN FIRE IT!

“OOOOHH YAAARGHLGL!” Macho Man GROANS AS THE BULLET RIPS THROUGH HIS CHEEK, TEARING OFF A CHUNK OF HIS FACE. Macho Man falls to the ground, BLOOD SHOOTING OUT HIS TORN CHEEK.

“MACHO MAN!” Phayne shouts, RUSHING TO HIS SIDE.

J.R.: WHAT THE SHIT IS HAPPENING NOW?!

THE FIGURE STEPS INTO THE LIGHT TO REVEAL … HE’S CHARLES BRONSON!

W.W.: CHARLES BRONSON?!

J.R.: That looks like him! But Charles Bronson is dead!

W.W.: Charles Bronson did die. But he’s also here. Either he survived, or there are two of them.

Charles Bronson walks over to the backseat of Phayne’s junked car. He grabs a handful of DRUGZ while keeping a BEAT on PHAYNE.

“How many children have you killed with this shiiiit!” Bronson says as he throws THE DRUGS at Phayne. Suddenly, police SIRENS begin to wail as SEVERAL SQUAD CARS SURROUND THEM. Bronson WHIPS AROUND with his HANDCANNON but QUICKLY GETS HIS HEAD BLOWN OFF! His body staggers back and HE DROPS INTO THE OCEAN BELOW! THE POLICE APPREHEND SELLA PHAYNE as a cop calls an ambulance for Macho Man.

W.W.: About time that fucking degenerate got what he deserves. Let’s hope he gets the death penalty.

J.R.: After this match, I agree with you.

FTUW CREW RUSHES to MENTED, informing the dazed superstar HE WON THE MATCH. He looks back over to see the MANHATTAN BRIDGE missing.

“Lala proved himself to worthy, finally,” Lala smiles. He begins to hobble off until a SHROUDED FIGURE APPROACHES HIM. Beside him is a woman, SELENA.

“Selena, what the hell are you doing here,” Mented asks, “And who is this?”

SUDDENLY, A GUNSHOT! Mented collapses onto the city street as the SHROUDED FIGURE holds a SMOKING GUN. The figure removes his cloak to REVEAL THAT HE’S … DR. DANIEL MENTED!

J.R.: HUH?!

“You’re not so smart, old man …” the OTHER MENTED says, leaving the first Mented on the ground to die. Him and Selena walk off into AN ALLEYWAY.

J.R.: I have no idea what is going on.

The camera pans over the river. ON AN ENBANKMENT a FIGURE APPEARS. It’s CHARLES BRONSON, FUCKING HEADLESS from the JAW UP. He walks out of the water with a SMALL BAG clutched in his hands. HE TAKES THE BAG and POURS a green powder onto his skull. THE POWDER MAGICALLY REFORMS HIS SKULL. Charles Bronson then walks off into the darkness, mysteriously and stuff.
Ryoko's Biatch
Joined: 04 Jan 2007
Posts: 9255
(Mon Feb 12, 2007 4:20 pm)
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Post     Re: Roy Jonze Jr. Presents: Super Taboo Tuesday (#9)

J.R.: If you thought a shit load of people died last match, wait until this! Guan Fei vs. Jack Daniels for the Non-American Championship! They will battle it out in the fields of China, bringing 500 men each to fight alongside them!

W.W.: We’ll definitely be breaking all previous records tonight, J.R.!

X-Pac: China ... *sniff*

J.R.: So, without further adieu, let’s switch to the satellite feed coming straight from China.

The camera pans over a large valley filled with men. On the left is Jack Daniels massive army of Terracotta Soldiers and Demon Luchadores. Jack Daniels stands at the very back, looking at the drawing armies. Beside him is Zhuge Tzu and Austin Nichols. El Martillo stands off in the distance.

“Hm, dis ain’t gonna be easy,” Daniels says.

On the other side is Guan Fei, standing with his advisor Wang Chung. Guan Fei laughed heartily upon seeing his opponent’s army.

“Is this what that devil expects to defeat me with?” Guan Fei strokes his mighty, lustrous beard, “And to think once I called that man brother! Hmph!”

Wang Chung nods repeatedly. “Yes, my lord, your warriors are more powerful and experienced than that band of masked hooligans!” Wang Chung fans himself, “I hear they even have a chicken man!”

“Oh ho ho! I hope I don’t succumb to fits of laughter upon seeing such a ridiculous sight and soil my ceremonial battle robes.”

Guan Fei’s army was broken in seven divisions, gathered in a formation Wang Chung called “The Seven Stars.” The first star was Zhao Li with his 100 veterans. The second was Wilson Hickenbottom with 50 Mongols. The third was Charles Artemis and Sinclair Mohammad with 50 more Mongols. The fourth was Guan No with 50 of his father's elite spearmen. The fifth was Fung Jin-Fei and his laptop with wireless internet and the remaining 100 Mongols. The sixth was Abdulmir and all of the Middle East warriors. Finally, the seventh consisted only of DDP, Lex Lugar, The Papa Shangofather and Handsomus II. Taking his place slightly to the side of the seven stars was the Bearded Prince himself, styling himself as the eighth star, the Harbinger of Death!

“Now then, my Lord,” Wang Chung approaches Guan Fei, “Shall we end this.”

“Yes! Let them curse the day they decided to battle me in my homeland! Prepare the archers!”

Flags and shit start being FLOWN, signifying the men in the front to DRAW THEIR BOWS that were hidden behind them. They all prepare their arrows and Guan Fei raises his mighty spear. Other soldiers see this signals and begin waving more flags of varying importance. Then, like in every pre-gunpowder military battle in a movie the past ten years, a VOLLEY OF ARROWS FILL THE SKY. Daniels sees the BLACK STREAKS AGAINST THE MORNING SKY (they’re in China, after all) and his heart fills with terror.

“Damn!” Daniels shouts, “We’s downhill! Alls ours men are gonna die!”

“My Lord,” Zhuge Tzu fans himself, “Although I understand you wish to restrain yourself, you’ll must use your abilities if we are to survive!”

“Yous right, Zhuge!” Daniels shouts. DANIELS RAISES HIS ARMS AND UNLEASHES BURSTS OF FLAME. The flames continue to POUR FROM DANIELS HANDS, the immense use of his power taking a great toll on him. The HELLISH FLAMES burn the arrows in mid-air, only a few dozen able to pierce the CLOUD OF FLAME Jack has orchestrated!

“Let us attack before they strike again!” Zhuge Tzu, “Fortunately for us, the wind is at our backs and those flames were obscure our approach!”

And thus the Terracotta soldiers and Demon Luchadores begin charging, SCREAMING WAR CRIES and SUCH.

“Ho ho ho!” Zhuge Tzu laughs to himself, “The brilliance of the Zodiac Trigram will defeat any strategy you have, Wang Chung!”

“You stays here, Jack,” Booker Noe, one of the three inbred brothers says, “Rest up. We’ll lead da attack.”

AND THUS THE ARMIES BEGIN TO CONVERGE IN THE CENTER. The archers FIRE ONE LAST VOLLEY STRAIGHT AHEAD but their ARROWS FIND IT DIFFICULT to penetrate the STONE BODIES of the TERRACOTTA SOLDIERS. They act as a shield, protecting the MUCH FASTER Demon Luchadores that EMERGE behind them like a BRIGHT RED SEA! The Mongols are the first to enter the battle, CLASHING with the DEMON LUCHADORES. They launch themselves, USING THEIR BODIES to SPLASH the Mongols to the ground. Mongols attempt to defend them off but are quickly overcome.

Suddenly, A LARGE GROUP OF LUCHADORES EXPLODE into bloody chunks. Standing in front of the bodies is NONE OTHER than CHARLES ARTEMIS! He instantly dives forward into the fray, SLAUGHTERING LUCHADORE after LUCHADORE.

Sinclair Mohammed spins along the ground, using CAPOIERA to destruct the stone bodies of the TERRACOTTA. Although Sinclair Mohammed and Charles Artemis are powerful, the much stronger Luchadores and Terracotta make short work of their allies.

“Hmm, those demons are much more suited to combat than the Mongols, it seems,” Wang Chung fans himself, “Your captains are strong but they themselves cannot turn the tide of the war!”

“You’re right, send more stars to help Charles Artemis and Sinclair Mohammed’s forces. I think I may have to strike at the heart of their army to finish this quickly,” Guan Fei strokes his beard.

Zhao Li tears asunder the Demon Luchadores with his 100 veterans. Amongst the demon and human blood, one BEING ARISES to face off with the captain of the 1st star. It is El Martillo, leader of the Demon Luchadores! His beak-like mask opens up and he SPEWS FORTH ACID! The acid burns away the wall of veterans ZHAO LI quickly constructed to protect himself.

“I expect nothing more than a repulsive attack from such a repulsive creature as yourself!” Zhao Li shouts, spinning his spear. WITH A MIGHTY WHIP OF HIS WEAPON, Demon Luchadores FLY AWAY, exploded BY THE MIGHTY TORNADO. El Martillo rolls out of the way of the attack and THEN CHARGES! Zhao Li blocks him with his spear but MARTILLO’S BEAK STRIKES FORWARD and PECKS OPEN HIS SHOULDER!

The Three Inbred Brothers CHARGE STRAIGHT FORWARD into the MIDDLE EAST WARRIORS, acting as HUMAN DRILLS. From the SKY one can see LINES being FORMED into the throng of BROWN PEOPLE as the three turn their opponents into hamburger.

Wilson P. Hickenbottom APPEARS IN A FLASH just as Artemis and Mohammed begin to be overcome. He rapid kicks he decimates a group of Terracotta soldiers, reducing them to rubble.

Guan Fei stands out on a cliff overlooking the battle as Wang Chung furiously transcribes the events of the battle on a scroll. “It is time to end this before we begin to lose anymore Chinese men,” Guan Fei says. Wang Chung agrees and GUAN FEI HURLS HIS HUGE SPEAR, RIDE THE TIGER. As he throws it, GUAN FEI LEAPS ONTO THE SPEAR and USES IT TO RIDE ACROSS THE MASSIVE BATTLEFIELD!

“Let’s finish this, my former brother!”

A group of Demon Luchadores begin to make it into GUAN FEI’S TERRITORY, overcoming Mongols on the way there. Suddenly, as they begin to encroach the hills that lead to Guan Fei’s camp, THEIR HEADS BECOME SEVERED!

“BANG!” a voice echoes post-mortem! D.D.P. appears in the flash after DIAMOND CUTTERING those monster’s FUCKING HEADS OFF, moving so fast that THE SPEED OF SOUND (“BANG”) is slower than the his movements! Lex Luger and Papa Shangofather follow, LEX LUGER placing Terracotta over his back and BREAKING THEM. D.D.P. points over to the THREE INBRED BROTHERS destroying the MIDDLE EAST warriors. The group obviously makes the 3 versus 3 connection AND DASHES IN THAT DIRECTION.

“Jack Daniels! How are you?” Zhuge Tzu asks his lord.

“I’m healing … getting’ my strenth back … why?” Daniels replies.

“Because The Minister of Beards, Guan Fei, is sailing towards our encampment on his spear!” Zhuge Tzu shouts!

Daniels looks off in the distance, GUAN FEI SILHOUETTED ON THE SUN.

Handsomus II walks through the battle, strumming on GUILTY GEAR, his acoustic guitar. Terracotta and Demon Luchadore alike explode with each note, ROCKATRICITY EXPLODING FROM his weapon. His face carries a solemn look, perhaps questioning why he is here. Why is he fighting?

THE THREE INBRED BROTHERS, Booker Noe, Bill Samuels, and Owsley Brown respectively GRAPPLE with DDP, LEX LUGER, and Papa Shangofather. Surrounding him are piles of dead humans and Chinese.

Fung Jin-Fei sits at the foot of the hill, his laptop rested in his lap, as his 100 Mongols clash in front of him. On the screen he plays WarCraft 3 since, well, what the fuck is he going to do?

Zhao Li CONTINUES BATTLING the Chicken Monster, El Martillo. The monster opens his beak and SPITS MORE ACID, burning ZHAO LI’s SPEAR. Zhao Li tosses his weapon to the ground as Martillo closes in. Zhao Li raises his arms to DEFEND HIMSELF as Martillo STRIKES WITH RAZOR-SHARP PECKS. Zhao Li falls to the ground, blood spraying from his arms. As Martillo prepares ANOTHER ACID GOOBER, a SPEAR PIERCES HIS CHEST! On the other side is Guan No, Guan Fei’s son! Guan Fo retrieves his spear and stabs it through his face, mimicking his father’s great technique.

DDP ATTEMPTS TO DIAMOND CUTTER OWSLEY BROWN BUT HE COUNTERS WITH AN INGENIUS TECHNIQUE: THE PUSH. Lex Luger and Booker Noe managed to actually RIP EACH OTHER’S ARMS OFF SIMULTANEOUSLY. Papa Shangofather attempts to create a voodoo of Bill Samuels but Bill Samuels PILEDRIVES HIM INTO THE GROUND. On top of a HILL OF BODIES STANDS ABDULMHIR. ABOVE HIS HEAD IS A SMALL ATOMIC BOMB.

“PRAISE ALLAH!” HE SAYS WHILE HEADBUTTING THE SHIT OUT OF IT. The Three Inbred Brothers, DDP, Lex Luger, and Papa Shangofather are wiped off the fucking planet with 2/3rds of the forces.

GUAN FEI FLIES OVER THE MASSIVE EXPLOSION.

“What manner of weapon was that?!” Guan Fei thinks to himself, “Well, no matter, soon I shall arrive at Daniel’s camp and take his life, ending this battle and retaining my Non-American Championship!”

The battlefield is left only with a few warriors. Zhao Li and Guan No sit on a pile of bodies, resting. Fing Jung-Fei levels up his Hero character. Handsomus II sits in a pool of blood and strums his acoustic guitar softly, not exploding anyone with it. Zhuge Tzu, Austin Nichols, and Jack Daniels watch GUAN FEI SAIL INTO THEIR CAMP.

“Have at you!” GUAN FEI SHOUTS, GUIDING HIS SPEAR AT DANIELS. Daniels ducks out of the way and hurls a MASSIVE WAVE OF FIRE. Guan Fei raises RIDE THE TIGER OVER HIS HEAD AND SLASHES DOWN, splitting the WAVE OF FIRE.

“Our battle ends here, my former brother!” Guan Fei laughs, flipping his mighty beard. Daniels cracks his knuckles in response. Nichols steps forward but Daniels lifts up his hand, telling him to stay back.

“Dis is my fight, Austin,” Daniels says. Zhuge Tzu and Austin Nichols make their way to higher ground to AVOID SUCH CATACLYSMIC COMBAT that is surely to follow.

Daniels DASHES FORWARD AT HIGH SPEEDS, slamming a barrage of fists into Guan Fei’s chest. Guan Fei is thrown back by the attack but STABS THE GROUND with his SPEAR, rooting him. Daniels dashes forward and KNEES GUAN FEI IN THE CHIN, SENDING SKYWARDS. While flying upward, GUAN FEI SPINS IN MID-AIR, PULLING HIS SPEAR WITH HIM, and SLASHES THE SKY, CUTTING A LIGHTNING BOLT THAT JUST HAPPENED TO STRIKE AT THAT MOMENT. The spear HITS THE GROUND AND RELEASES BOLTS OF ENERGY. Random demons standing around EXPLODE from the ELECTRICITY.

“If this is the strength of a demon perhaps I should conquer Hell!” Guan Fei laughs, HURLING RIDE THE TIGER at DANIELS. DANIELS attempts to dodge the SPEAR but it CATCHES HIM IN THE SHOULDER, pinning him to the side of a mountain. Guan Fei FLIES FORWARD, DROPKICKING HIM INTO THE MOUNTAINSIDE. Guan Fei plucks the spear from the wall and shoves it into the HOLE DANIELS MADE. However, Guan Fei touches nothing.

“Did I knock him that far?” Guan Fei thinks to himself. SUDDENLY, DANIELS HANDS SHOOT UP FROM UNDER THE GROUND AND GRIP GUAN FEI’S ANKLES. Daniels HANDS BEGIN TO BURN A BRIGHT RED, UNLEASHING FIRE ONTO GUAN FEI’S BODY! GUAN FEI IS BURNING ALIVE!

“SUCH TRICKERY!” GUAN FEI CURSES, BURNING ALIVE. SUDDENLY, IT BEGINS TO RAIN. A POWERFUL RAIN, A MONSOON!

“Oh, thank the Heavens!” GUAN FEI LOOKS UP AS WATER EXTINGUISHES THE BURNING, “I was truly destined to win this day!”

GUAN FEI RISES HIS RIDE THE TIGER HIGH ABOVE HIS HEAD AND SLAMS IT INTO THE DIRT. Daniels RELEASES HIS HOLD and BURSTS OUT OF THE GROUND, dodging the SPEAR ATTACK. Daniels TACKLES GUAN FEI FROM BEHIND and PUTS GUAN FEI IN THE WORLD IS MINE!

“Is gots you now, China boy!” Daniels begins laughing a retarded redneck laugh.

“Damn you!” Guan Fei screams AS HIS HEAD IS PULLED BACK!

Zhao Li charges up the mountain with Guan No and a small band of soldiers. They look off into the distance and see Daniels on top of Guan Fei, PULLING ON HIS HEAD.

“Guan No, your father is in danger! Let us make haste!”

DANIELS CONTINUES TO PULL ON GUAN FEI’S NECK, HIS SHIRT RIPPING FROM HIS BURSTING MUSCLES AND SHIT. GUAN FEI ATTEMPTS TO PUSH HIMSELF UP TO GET SOME LEVERAGE BUT DANIELS KEEPS PUSHING!

“It seems the Heavens still wish for my victory!” Guan Fei chokes out a laugh!

“What?!” Daniels replies.

AS DANIELS PULLS BACK, GUAN FEI SLIDES FORWARD ON THE MUD! THE MOMENTUM CAUSES GUAN FEI TO FLY INTO THE AIR, FLIPPING REPEATEDLY. Daniels SLIPS and FALLS BACKWARDS AS GUAN FEI SAILS ABOVE HIM, NEARLY FIFTY FEET IN THE AIR.

Daniels sits up and looks around. “Where did that bastard go?” Daniels thinks to himself. SUDDENLY, GUAN FEI FALLS LIKE A STAR, THE STAR OF DEATH, AND CRASHES ONTO DANIELS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BATTLEFIELD. GRECO-ROMANCE OF THE THREE KINGDOMS FROM FIFTY FEET IN THE AIR!

A referee in the distance SLAMS A STICK INTO A GONG.

ONCE!

TWICE!

JACK DANIELS KICKS OUT!

THRICE! THE REFEREE DECLARES GUAN FEI THE VICTOR!

“No!” Nichols shouts, “Jack Daniels kicked out!”

Guan Fei rises off his opponent and grabs his spear. Zhao Li and Guan No ride up on horses, bringing a third horse to him.

“Referee, yous wrong!” Nichols shouts into the distance, “Yous was too far away to see the kickout!”

“Just give it up, Nichols,” Daniels says as he solemnly sits in the mud, “We’s weren’t supposed to win, even I could see that.”

“But Jack!”

“Enough peoples died already …”

Guan Fei hops onto his HORSE and slings the NON-AMERICAN TITLE OVER HIS SHOULDER. Guan No, Zhao Li, and Guan Fei ride off until they meet up with the survivors: Fung Jin-Fei, Sinclair, Hickenbottom, and Artemis, along with a handful of others. Wang Chung waves a flag of victory from Guan Fei’s e
Ryoko's Biatch
Joined: 04 Jan 2007
Posts: 9255
(Mon Feb 12, 2007 4:26 pm)
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Post     Re: Roy Jonze Jr. Presents: Super Taboo Tuesday (#9)

Into the arena enters The Burning Wolf, Rakkyu Saketumi. He walks down the hallway with a dark aura around him. People he passes press up against the walls to avoid him. As he makes it his way to the entrance, a lone figure sits in a steel chair directly in front of the arena entrance. The man sitting there is “The Kanto Devil” Kuroda Saito, wearing a lime-green jacket with white polka-dots. His pants are a slightly darker green. His undershirt is black an adorned with golden jewelry of hearts and the male symbol.

Upon seeing Saketumi, a FREAKISH SMILE APPEARS ON SAITO’S FACE. He sits there, legs folded, watching Saketumi approach. His top leg begins to shake uncontrollably. Sweat forms on Saito’s skin. Saito watches every step. Suddenly, Saito plunges his index and middle fingers into his own thigh! He quickly YANKS OUT HIS BLOODY FINGERS AND JAMS THEM IN AGAIN! And again!

”Ahhh … I nearly lost control!” Saito says, standing up. His pants are already tented.

“So then, it’s time to kill me, right Saketumi-chan?” he smiles, revealing his silver teeth.

Saketumi says nothing. He just keeps marching forward.

“I killed that Oyabun good, eh Saketumi-chan?” Saito leans forward and lets his freakishly long tongue hang from his mouth, “It wasn’t my style but it couldn’t be helped!”

Saketumi keeps marching forward.

“Ooh … that dark aura … I can feel it,” Saito licks his repeatedly pierced lips, “That hate … you want to tear me apart! Nyoooo!”

Saketumi says nothing.

“I’ve been waiting so long …” Saito salivates, his throbbing boner pushing against his leather pants, “Ayiii! It’s like when you can smell your favorite meal but it’s not time for dinner!”

Saketumi is only a few feet away from Kuroda Saito.

“This will be so great! So great!” Saito shouts, taking a fighting stance, “Let’s show each other our love with our violence!”

Saketumi stands right in front of Kuroda Saito … and passes by. He continues to walk. Saito’s warped smile immediately turns into a frown. He looks devastated, confused.

“W-What’s this?” Saito asks, lips quivering, “W-We gotta fight, Saketumi-chan! We can’t NOT fight!”

“When I’ve taken the belt … I’ll kill you …” Saketumi mutters as he continues to march towards the entrance.

“That’s not fair! Not fair!” Saito stomps the ground, “I killed the Oyabun! Kill me! Get revenge!”

Saketumi continues.

“Where’s your honor?! You were framed, too!” Saito shouts, “Don’t you want revenge?! Where’s that hate?!”

“It can wait,” Saketumi replies.

“No! No no no!” Saito falls to his knees helplessly, his wang wilting.

“We were supposed to fight! We have to fight!” Saito begins to cry, “It’s not fair!”

“It’s not fair! It’s not-“ Saito eyes open wide with a sudden realization.

A sinister smile creeps onto his face.

“Nyooo …” he utters.

“Ah, ah, I just remembered … Saketumi-chan,” Saito smiles, “That night your mother died.”

Saketumi freezes in his tracks.
Ryoko's Biatch
Joined: 04 Jan 2007
Posts: 9255
(Mon Feb 12, 2007 4:28 pm)
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Post     Re: Roy Jonze Jr. Presents: Super Taboo Tuesday (#9)

”That night she was killed by that lowly thief … I can’t remember his name,” Saito smiles, rubbing his chin, “All I remember was that he had a debt to me …”

Shadows obscure Saketumi’s eyes.

“Yes, I stabbed him good … I was going to kill him but I thought of something better nyooo …” Saito coos.

“I remember when you fought in those underground cage matches. I told my underling to recruit you for the Yamada-gumi but you wouldn’t have anything to do with us …” Saito grins, “So I came up with a plan …”

“I told that thief if he wanted to pay back his gambling debts he could find all the money he wanted at the Saketumi house in Nagasaki …” Saito begins to stand up.

“I told him to grab whatever was valuable and bring it to me and I’d erase his debt!” Saito turns to Saketumi, “But there was one stipulation …”

“He had to kill whoever was there!”

Saketumi balls his hands up into fists as he begins to shake with anger.

“Are you listening, Saketumi-chan?” Saito GIVES A WIDE SMILE, “This is where the story gets really good!”

”That thief was so damned useless …” Saito rubs his dyed-blonde facial hair, “He didn’t have the balls to kill your mother! He just roughed her up a bit and made off a few things.”

“At that time you would be fighting in the underground cage matches … far away from home. The plan was that once you discovered your mother dead … I’d ‘bump’ into you and offer to help you find your killer,” Saito begins walking towards Saketumi, “But that thief was so useless! Good thing I was watching …”

“As soon as he left your house … I walked in. Your mother was a real delicate beauty, Saketumi-chan. And her on the ground like that, a little roughed up, nyoooo! It gets me hot even now!” Saito breathes hot, wet breaths, “So pretty … so pink … nyohoho~<3”

Steam begins to rise of the back of Saketumi as he shakes. The walls to expand away from him ever so slightly. Saito is sucking on his bloody fingers, his eyes glazed over.

“Oh! Sorry, got lost in the moment!” Saito snaps to his senses, smiling widely, “So, are we going to fight?”

Saito saunters up to Saketumi and rests his head onto his shoulder.

“Ehhh? Are we going to-BLRRRKK!!” A MASSIVE RIGHT BURIES ITSELF INTO KURODA SAITO’S FACE AND SENDS HIM FLYING TWENTY FEET BACK! HE CRASHES INTO THE WALL AND SLUMPS DOWN LIFELESSLY. SAKETUMI STARES AT HIM WITH INDESCRIBABLE RAGE.

“Kukukuku …” Saito cackles from his crushed face. He slowly stands up and wipes the blood from his smashed nose, carrying away a few piercings in his hands.

“So strong! SO STRONG!” SAITO LAUGHS, “EVEN STRONGER THAN I IMAGINED!”

Saito tosses the piercings and blood onto the ground and DASHES FORWARD!

“LET’S KILL EACH OTHER!” SAITO SCREAMS, PULLING BACK HIS HANDS. Saito throws forward his FINGERS BUT SAKETUMI COUNTERS WITH ANOTHER HELLACIOUS PUNCH! The fingers BREAK INSTANTLY ON CONTACT … THEN EXPLODE! SAKETUMI CONTINUES THE PUNCH, EXPLODING SAITO’S ARM ALL THE WAY TO HIS FOREARM! He punched right through his fucking hand!

Saito raises up his bloody stump and looks over it.

“S-Sugoi! SUGOI!” Saito looks in AMAZEMENT. HE THROWS HIS STUMP TOWARDS SAKETUMI AND SLAMS IT INTO HIS FACE!

“Oraoraoraorara!” Saito shouts as he GRINDS HIS SEVERED ARM INTO SAKETUMI’S FACE, “ORAORAORAORA!”

Saketumi counters with a vicious kick to the gut! SAITO HACKS UP BLOOD AND SOMERSAULTS BACKWARDS. Saito kips to his feet, HIS BONER FLOPPING AROUND WILDLY WHEN HE DOES.

“Hahh hahh hahh!” Saito pants heavily, “So great! SO GREAT!”

SAKETUMI CHARGES FORWARD and FIRES OFF ANOTHER MASSIVE FIST! The fist continues forward, CLOSING IN ON SAITO’S HEAD UNTIL … HE BITES IT! The massive ENERGY coming off SAKETUMI’S FIST causes SAITO’S CHEEKS TO PUFF UP AND STEAM TO SHOOT OUT HIS NOSE.
Ryoko's Biatch
Joined: 04 Jan 2007
Posts: 9255
(Mon Feb 12, 2007 4:28 pm)
Reply

Post     Re: Roy Jonze Jr. Presents: Super Taboo Tuesday (#9)

“Kukukuku,” Saito laughs as he bites into Saketumi’s hand. Saketumi doesn’t respond, HE JUST PULLS BACK HIS FIST AND THROWS ANOTHER PUNCH, SAITO’S HEAD STILL ATTACHED! At the end of the punch SAITO IS STILL HANGING ON WITH HIS TEETH AND TEETH ALONE!

So Saketumi throws another punch! AND ANOTHER! FASTER AND FASTER AT LIGHTNING SPEEDS UNTIL SAITO FLIES OFF, BLOOD TRAILING FROM HIS MOUTH. Saketumi raises his hand to show EVERY SINGLE ONE OF SAITO’S SILVER TEETH IMBEDDED INTO HIS HAND!

“Sulllgoiir” Saito says with a mouth full of blood. SAITO STANDS UP AGAIN AND CHARGES FORWARD! He FLINGS HIS STUMP TOWARDS SAKETUMI ONCE AGAIN BUT THIS TIME SAKETUMI CATCHES IT! Saketumi’s RAGE-FILLED FACE SUDDENLY CONTRACTS IN PAIN. He looks down to SEE SAITO’S INDEX AND MIDDLE FINGERS OF HIS REMAINING ARM BURIED IN HIS SIDE! Saito cackles, causing blood to splatter on Saketumi’s face!

“Checkmatoh …” Saito laughs. SAKETUMI RAISES HIS FIST LIKE A HAMMER AND DROPS IT ON SAITO’S ELBOW! IT SEVERS HIS ARM COMPLETELY, SAITO’S FINGERS STILL STUCK IN SAKETUMI’S SIDE! Saketumi plucks the hand out of his body and drops it on the ground as Saito is reeling backwards, sans arms, teeth, and a good portion of his blood.

SAKETUMI DASHES FORWARD WHILE SAITO HURLS A VICIOUS ROUNDHOUSE KICK! Saketumi ducks the kick and brings his fist to his side, CHARGING THE FEELING OVER! Saketumi springs upward AND THROWS THE MIGHTY BLOW but Saito LEANS BACK AND DODGES IT JUST IN TIME!

“Ohhh!” Saito smiles. Suddenly, HIS PANTS AND SHIRT FALL OFF HIS BODY, SEVERED VERTICALLY BY THE UPPERCUT! Saito looks down at his naked body and sees his DICK, FILLED WITH PIERCINGS. SUDDENLY, BLOOD SHOOTS FROM THE BASE OF HIS COCK AND HIS DICK FLIES UPWARD, EMBEDDING ITSELF INTO A CEILING TILE.

Saketumi walks forward slowly as Saito stares at his ravaged body.

“W-Wait a second …” Saito says, flailing his stumbs, “Let’s talk about this for a second …”

Saketumi keeps marching forward.

“There’s something wrong! It hurts! It hurts really bad!” Saito looks distraught, “Stay away! Please!”

“This entire time you’ve never been afraid …” Saketumi mutters coldly, “So the pain never hurt. Your body never realized that you were in danger until now …”

“P-Please … stay back!” Saito screams, tearing up slightly, “I’m begging you!”

SAITO SPINS AROUND AND BEGINS SPRINTING DOWN THE HALLWAY, DISMEMBERED AND NUDE. Suddenly, a STEEL CHAIR IS FLUNG LIKE A BOOMERANG AND SLICES THROUGH ONE OF SAITO’S LEGS EFFORTLESSLY. Saito stares down at horror but CONTINUES TO HOP AWAY ON ONE LEG, SUPPORTING HIMSELF ON THE WALL WITH A STUMP, LEAVING NUMEROUS TRAILS OF BLOOD.

“I-I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” Saito shouts as he continues to hop away, “I d-didn’t mean to! Honest!”

Saketumi continues moving forward as Saito pathetically hops away.

“I saved your life, remember?!” Saito screams, “You owe me!”

“I forgave you for murdering the Oyabun …” Saketumi replies, “But for what you did to my mother … THERE IS NO FORGIVENESS!”

“Eyyyaargh!” SAITO SCREAMS. A HAND PIERCES THROUGH INTO BACK AND OUT OF HIS STOMACH. Saito watches in AGONY as the HAND plunges back into the body. FROM OUT OF HIS BACK SAKETUMI PULLS OUT HIS INTESTINES. SAITO TRIES TO MOVE FURTHER BUT CAN’T FROM FEAR OF YANKING OUT HIS INTERNAL ORGANS FURTHER. Saketumi grabs him by the shoulder, SPINS HIM AROUND, AND SHOVES HIS GODDAMNED FUCKING INTESTINES DOWN HIS THROAT!!

Saito falls backwards onto a BUFFET TABLE set up for the FTUW STAFF. Saketumi delivers a MIGHTY KICK TO THE TABLE and it begins to WHEEL DOWN THE HALLWAYS AT HIGH SPEEDS. IT BURSTS THROUGH DOOR AFTER DOOR AFTER DOOR. EVENTUALLY, SAITO ENTERS A MEAT PACKING FACTORY THAT IS, FOR SOME REASON, A PART OF MADISON SQUARE GARDEN! SAITO CRASHES THE TABLE INTO SOME MACHINERY AND IS FLUNG ONTO A CONVEYOR BELT! SAITO WRIGGLES HIS STUMPS AS HE BEGINS TO MOVE DOWN THE ASSEMBLY LINE. AS SOON AS HE REALIZES WHAT’S GOING ON, HE GETS PULLED INTO THE SHREDDER AND TURNED INTO HAMBURGER!

“So this … is death …?” Saito chokes out as his body is reduced to shreds.

Saketumi wipes the blood off his hands and makes his way out into the arena for THE MAIN EVENT!
Ryoko's Biatch
Joined: 04 Jan 2007
Posts: 9255
(Mon Feb 12, 2007 4:30 pm)
Reply

Post     Re: Roy Jonze Jr. Presents: Super Taboo Tuesday (#9)

Lightning: And coming to the ring first ... from Nagasaki, Japan … “THE BURNING WOLF” RAKKYUUUUU SAKETUUUMI!

From the entrance way stands The Burning Wolf, Rakkyu Saketumi. His face is smeared with the possibly HIV-infected blood of Kuroda Saito. Tanaka and Kuzuki, already at ringside, start shouting Saketumi’s name as soon as he sees them. He is unresponsive, his rage still not subdued from murdering Saito. The fans in the audience are on their feet, immediately starting a “SAKETUMI” chant. Those near the guardrails extend their arms for HANDSLAP but are not reciprocated.

J.R.: And The Burning Wolf is here, folks! And … he’s covered in blood! What happened backstage? Was Saketumi attacked!

W.W.: I don’t see any injuries, J.R. That could be someone else’s blood!

X-Pac is in the background without his pants on, Bronco Bustering Chyna’s etched in stone, bas-relief-esque face with a can of ENERGY DRINK stuck in his ass

As Saketumi approaches, Kuzuki and Tanaka take a step back. Saketumi hops into the ring without as so much looking at his fellow Hellriders.

”He’s really serious, Tanaka …” Kuzuki utters, “It’s the same feeling I got when Saketumi escaped from the hospital …”

“What a dark aura …” Hattori Hanzo says from his seat in the nosebleed section, “Consumed by hate once again …”

Lightning: And the FTUW Champion … hailing from OUTER SPACE … THELLLDORRRIN XIV!

The lights dim and smoke begins to fill the arena. “Fanfare of Theldorrin” begins to play by a full orchestra live at the event. Suddenly, Saketumi jerks his head to the direction opposite of the entrance. On a ringpost is Theldorrin perched, his arms folded, and his cape flowing magnificiently. The lights turn back on.

J.R.: It’s Theldorrin! He’s in the ring!

Theldorrin stands there, his face obscured by shadows and his metallic mask. His armor shows none of the scars of previous battles. It looks almost entirely new, prepared specifically for this bout.

In contrast, Saketumi is covered with fresh and old wounds alike. Escaping from the Yamada-gumi the past week has left him with new injuries. Saketumi’s face is littered with scars, a history of his many battles. Despite the massive amount of effort The Burning Wolf has gave to get to this point, despite the incredible toll his body has endured, Saketumi looks more powerful than ever! These wounds seem superficial the way Saketumi carries himself. There is a deep, incredible power in Saketumi that makes him as fearsome as the robotic monstrosity in the ring with him!

“Saketumi …” Theldorrin says in a deep, metallic tone, “It’s not too late to turn away.”

“Urosei,” Saketumi replies, “I’m not here to listen to your bullshit.”

“You are only human, after all.”

“I said shut the hell up,” Saketumi steps forward, “Just get down here so I can beat the shit out of you.”

“Hoh …” Theldorrin coldly replies. Theldorrin leaps gracefully off the turnbuckle and lands softly, despite weighing half a ton. The referee comes to the center of the ring as these two superstars try to stare each other down. The referee waves his hands the bell is sounded!

J.R.: Here we go, ladies and gentleman! Saketumi vs. Theldorrin II! Who will become the FTUW Champion?!

The two competitors SPRING FORWARD and GRAPPLE UP! Theldorrin attempts to overpower Rakkyu but he isn’t budging. Saketumi digs his feet into the mat to drive forward but Theldorrin uses that power to SUPLEX HIM. Saketumi rolls to his feet and they LOCK AGAIN. Theldorrin has the advantage but Saketumi breaks the lock with a toe kick to Theldorrin’s gut! Theldorrin XIV leans over and Saketumi slams his head into his knee! Theldorrin stumbles and Saketumi sends him to the mat with a FLYING ELBOW!

J.R.: Saketumi has taken him down!

W.W.: And Saketumi has no damage! How can a human elbow metal and not break anything?

X-Pac: *bobs head back and forth*

Theldorrin stands up and cracks his neck. Saketumi is near him, displaying fancy footwork while keeping up a defensive guard.

J.R.: This doesn’t seem like the Saketumi we know!

W.W.: Saketumi embodies the Japanese spirit so it’s no surprise he’s usually acting like a retard and trying to head-butt steel. The sick subhuman Japs, like modern day terrorists, secretly hate themselves and their small dicks so trying to kill someone while simultaneously committing suicide is unsurprising. However, Saketumi has stuck around long enough to realize his country’s beliefs and traditions are false and now he’s taken a more conservative approach to this fight.

Theldorrin approaches and hurls PERFECTLY-EXECUTED HOOKS that batter Saketumi’s defense. Saketumi steps back to avoid the piston-like punches but is sent into a turnbuckle with a POWERFUL SHOULDER TACKLE. Theldorrin charges ROCKATRICITY INTO HIS FIST and fires off a ONE-ARMED GATLING PUNCH. Saketumi slides between Theldorrin’s legs and the turnbuckle behind them is bent in several directions from the super pummeling. Saketumi NECKBREAKERS Theldorrin from behind! Saketumi goes for the cover but THELDORRIN PUSHES HIM OFF BEFORE THE ONE COUNT. In fact, he pushes him so hard he is flung up five feet off the ground!

J.R.: Smart move by Saketumi but it’s going to take a lot more than that to keep Theldorrin down!

As Saketumi descends, Theldorrin executes another PERFECT HOOK to Saketumi’s ribs. However, Saketumi was already blocking with his arm! Saketumi writhes on the ground in pain from the blow! As Theldorrin climbs to his feet, he notices something.

“You’ve grown a lot stronger since the last time we’ve fought,” Theldorrin says as he paces around the ring, his magnificent cape flowing behind him, “Actually, not stronger, but smarter …”

Saketumi climbs to his feet and takes his defensive stance once more.

“But improvements in such areas means nothing against the almighty Theldorrin!” Theldorrin gestures dramatically, “Your battle strategies compare nothing to mine! And for strength … I did away the weakness of the human body long ago!”

Saketumi doesn’t react towards his words. He simply inches closer.

“Realize the discrepancy in our abilities and despair!” Theldorrin laughs, “I can see through your tricks!”

Theldorrin dashes forward and throws a HEAVY KICK into Saketumi’s side. His arm takes the brunt of the blow but the damage is obvious! Saketumi is racked in pain!

“Saketumi-sama!” Tanaka shouts at the ring, slamming his pudgy fists onto the ring apron, “There’s something wrong with him!”

“I noticed it, too, so surely Theldorrin has …” Kuzuki replies, “Saketumi has been guarding his left side ever since the match started!”

Saketumi flashbacks to Kuroda Saito plunging his fingers into Saketumi’s side while Theldorrin pummels that same area.

”You son of a bitch,” The Burning Wolf thinks, “You haunt me even now!

Theldorrin continues the assault on Saketumi’s injured side but Saketumi refuses to drop his guard! Saketumi attempts to fight back with kicks but Theldorrin shrugs off the blows. Theldorrin hurls another heavy fist into Saketumi’s arm, steam ejecting from XIV’s mechanical knuckles as his body applies coolant. When Theldorrin removes the fist, Saketumi’s sleeves are torn and Saketumi’s bloody arm is exposed!

“Stubborn!” Theldorrin laughs, “If you won’t let me crush your side I’ll just crush your arm! Challenging me is useless! Useless useless useless!”

Theldorrin CRASHES DOWN into Saketumi’s arm with another blow! And another blow! Until Saketumi moves his arm … the pain in his face shows it was too much!

“So weak!” Theldorrin laughs, FIRING A HOOK TOWARDS SAKETUMI’S SIDE! Saketumi attempts to move, to escape the blow! The hook continues to sail at Saketumi’s injured side! AND CONNECTS! A little blood splashes from the wound. Theldorrin stands there frozen, his fist in Saketumi’s side, “What the hell?!” he utters!

Saketumi stepped forward! He stepped into the blow!

“Excellent move, Saketumi,” Hattori Hanzo strokes his beard, “You weakened the impact of the blow by not allowing him to fully extend his fist. But what was the purpose!”

Theldorrin looks down and sees Saketumi’s arm firmly wrapped around Theldorrin’s hand. Theldorrin attempts to struggle free but can’t!

“You’re smart, you’re real smart Theldorrin!” Saketumi laughs, “But that was what I was counting on!”

Theldorrin’s eyes widen.

“I can’t break your armor with just any attack. I have to use a strong one! But to do that, I had to stop your movement!” Saketumi laughs, “My side was injured, Theldorrin, but not enough for it to matter! I covered my side with my arm to lure you into a trap! But it was really luck Saito hit my left side!”

Saketumi crouches, drawing his RIGHT FIST TO HIS SIDE. Energy begins swirling around The Burning Wolf’s feet!

“Because I need my right arm to do this! THE FEELING OVER!”

J.R.: SAKETUMI HAS GOT HIM! HE TRAPPED HIM!

SAKETUMI SPRINGS UPWARD LIKE A BULLET, HURLING HIS FIST TOWARDS THELDORRIN’S HEAD! THELDORRIN TRIES LEANING BACKWARDS BUT CAN’T DODGE THE BLOW! Saketumi’s FIST RISES AND RISES … AND MISSES! Saketumi continues SAILING UPWARDS as Theldorrin remains on the ground … BUT SAKETUMI IS STILL HOLDING THELDORRIN’S ARM!

“You can never beat me like that,” Theldorrin laughs, “You’re strategies are for opponents that are human! I’ve transcended all of that!”

A long cable runs from Theldorrin’s detached arm to his shoulder. With a jerk, his arm is snatched away from Saketumi and re-attached to his shoulder. Theldorrin raises his hand and recalibrates his fingers. He looks up at the still hovering Saketumi.

“Did you think you were the only one with new moves?” Theldorrin asks, “But that’s just the tip of the iceberg! In fact, let’s test a new out right now!”

The Richonium imbedded in Theldorrin’s right fist begins to glow, charging his hand with ROCKATRICITY. XIV pinches his index finger and thumb together, forming a circle. He raises it up to Saketumi and looks at the airborne warrior through the circle.

“MOBIUS BAND!” Theldorrin shouts!

Suddenly, Saketumi feels a sharp burning in his left shoulder. The area around him seems like it’s being sucked towards him, as if MATTER was BEING PINCHED. The audience is dumbfounded by what’s happening! A small area around Saketumi’s shoulder collapses into a SINGLE POINT, THEN EXPLODES! Saketumi’s shoulder GUSHES BLOOD as a large chunk of it has been ERASED from his dimension!

J.R.: Bah Gawd! What the hell happened?!

Saketumi crashes onto the mat, splattering blood around him. Theldorrin marches slowly up to Saketumi and KICKS HIM IN THE FACE. Theldorrin kneels over and grabs Saketumi by the pompadour.

“I underestimated you last time,” Theldorrin whispers to Saketumi, “But now … I’ve made myself stronger than ever before just for this battle! And to think, it was all a waste.”

Theldorrin stands over the prone Saketumi, charging his fist with Rockatricity once more. He forms a circle with his finger and thumb at aims it at Saketumi’s head.

“MOBIUS BAND!” Theldorrin shouts! Saketumi takes right arm and PUNCHES THE SHIT OUT OF HIS SHOULDER WOUND! Blood sprays from it and blinds Theldorrin! Theldorrin stumbles back and fires off another SPACE IMPLODING BEAM! It hits a ravenous fan wearing a GOLDMAN 3:16 (Book of Bammidar) leaning over the guardrail. THE GUARDRAIL COLLAPSES INTO THE FAN’S STOMACH, LEAVING A HALF-ALIVE BLOODY MESS OF A CREATURE WITH TWISTED METAL JUTTING OUT OF HIS BODY.

J.R.: Bah Gawd! Bah Gawd!

W.W.: Brilliant! That Jap is going to infect Theldorrin and give him yellow fever!

X-Pac: That doesn’t make any sense.
Ryoko's Biatch
Joined: 04 Jan 2007
Posts: 9255
(Mon Feb 12, 2007 4:30 pm)
Reply

Post     Re: Roy Jonze Jr. Presents: Super Taboo Tuesday (#9)

Miniature windshield wipers clean the blood from Theldorrin’s eyes. He charges up his fist once more and AIMS HIS MOBIUS BAND … but Saketumi is nowhere to be found! A HEEL COMES CRASHING DOWN on Theldorrin’s outstretched arm, CAUSING THE MOBIUS BAND TO FIRE! Theldorrin looks down at the mat below him and watches THE RING FLOOR AND HIS FOOT COLLAPSE UNTO ITSELF!

“!!” Theldorrin, uh, emotes as his foot fucking gets crushed into a single atom.

Saketumi dashes and slams a MIGHTY RIGHT into Theldorrin’s side! Theldorrin’s armor crumples from the powerful blow! And Saketumi throws a left into Theldorrin’s ribs! Theldorrin stumbles back, attempting to aim his MOBIUS BAND again but Saketumi AXE KICKS Theldorrin in the skull! Theldorrin’s upper body jerks down from the blow but he still remains standing!

J.R.: What a beast! He can still stand after a kick like that!

Rakkyu Saketumi, not willing to give in, LEAPS INTO THE AIR and does a MID-AIR DOUBLE STOMP to XIV’s head, sending his face into the mat! Some blood spurts from Theldorrin’s face, splattering on the mat!

W.W.: That move brings me back to my first arrest at a Civil Rights Protest. Self-defense, J.R.! That nigger was crazy.

J.R.: Right you are, Warrior.

Saketumi picks up THELDORRIN by his head and repeatedly KNEES HIM in the gut. Theldorrin throws a CRUSHING ELBOW into Saketumi’s face but The Burning Wolf shrugs it off and CLOTHESLINES HIM TO THE MAT!

J.R.: Saketumi’s really puttin’ the spurs to ‘em!

Theldorrin rolls backwards FIRES OFF HIS ARMS! Saketumi ducks the flying fists that pass by him, letting soar until they ENTER THE CROWD. The two arms grab two fans at ringside who, despite the fact they are obviously going to be murdered, are FUCKING EXCITED. The cables JERK THE ARMS back to the RING and the fans continue to screaming, waving their signs above their heads! THE ARMS RE-ATTACHED and STEAM SHOOTS out of Theldorrin’s waist. Suddenly, THELDORRIN’S UPPER BODY BEGINS SPINNING! The fans are spun in a CIRCULAR MOTION AND USED TO BATTER SAKETUMI!

J.R.: Bah Gawd! Those FTUW fans are being used as clubs!

THELDORRIN CONTINUES TO SPIN, slamming the bodies into Saketumi over and over and over! The Burning Wolf attempts to block the HIGH VELOCITY OF THE ATTACKS makes it hard for him to escape! Blood sprays all over the ring, CHUNKS OF FLESH are FLUNG from the bodies, and eventually the fans are reduced to limp, slabs of unrecognizable meat. Theldorrin throws the remains down and KICKS THE KNEELING SAKETUMI IN THE FUCKING JAW!

“Gargh!!” Saketumi spits up some blood as his jaw is NEARLY TAKEN OFF HIS HEAD. He slumps onto the robes, BLOOD TRAILING FROM HIS FACE. Theldorrin WIDENS HIS STANCE and wipes the blood off his helmet. Theldorrin’s BACK OPENS UP and several ROCKET BOOSTERS SUDDENLY IGNITE! Theldorrin FLIES FORWARD at Saketumi, READY TO DO A ROCKET-POWERED CLOTHESLINE but Saketumi LEANS DOWN and FLIPS HIM OVER THE ROPES!

W.W.: Saketumi used his momentum against him!

Much like it happens so often in real wrestling, Theldorrin is HURLED OUT OF THE RING, but due to the ROCKET BOOSTERS he crashes into the ENTRANCE RAMP like a COMET and continues to SKID UPWARDS, flames spewing from his body and setting FANS ON FIRE. Once he reaches the APEX OF THE RAMP, he goes AIRBORNE AND CRASHES INTO THE FUCKING FAGGOTRON! He breaks the screen and bounces off of it, FALLING BACK ONTO THE ENTRANCE STAGE. Theldorrin OPENS HIS EYES and looks to see THE FAGGOTRON FALLING OFF THE WALL, CRASHING INTO HIM! An explosion fires off and the referee begins the RING OUT COUNT!

ONE!

J.R.: Maybe he did it! Maybe Saketumi beat him!

TWO!

W.W.: The fans aren’t going to like another count-out ending, I’ll tell you that much.

THREE!

X-Pac: X-PAAAAAAAAAAAAC!!

FOUR!

Theldorrin crawls out of the FLAMING WRECKAGE looking not that much worse for wear. Blood trickles down his armor but in the FTUW it’s not serious until geysers of blood are shooting out of your body.

FIVE!

Saketumi takes a fighting stance once he sees Theldorrin rise up out of the mess.

SIX!

Suddenly, Theldorrin is gone. In one second he was standing there, but in the next he was missing!

J.R.: What the hell?! Where did THELDORRIN GO?!

Saketumi sees a MASSIVE SHADOW ENGULF THE ARENA. Looking up, HE SEES A FUCKING STEAMROLLER BEING LOWERED ONTO HIM! THELDORRIN IS ON TOP, PUSHING IT DOWNWARDS WITH HIS ROCKET BOOSTERS!

J.R.: BAH GAWD! BAH GAWD! WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?! WHERE THE HELL DID HE GET A STEAMROLLER!

The STEAMROLLER COMES DOWN and SAKETUMI RAISES HIS ARMS TO HOLD THE HEAVY MACHINERY! THE BURNING WOLF STANDS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RING, LIFTING A STEAMROLLER ABOVE HIS FUCKING HEAD!! THELDORRIN STANDS ON THE TOP, HIS TORN AND TATTERED FLOWING AS HE LAUGHS MANIACALLY!

“SMASH IT UP!!” Theldorrin LAUGHS AS HE PUNCHES AND ELBOWS THE TOP OF THE STEAMROLLER!

“GRRRRGHHH!!” SAKETUMI GROANS AS HIS UNIFORM JACKET EXPLODES OFF HIS BODY FROM THE INTENSE STRAIN!

“JUST A HUMAN!” Theldorrin laughs, STOMPING ON THE TOP OF THE STEAMROLLER!

“I…gotta…stop…this…” Saketumi thinks to himself. HIS LEGS BEGIN THE BEND, THE STEAM ROLLER PUSHING HIM DOWN. SAKETUMI PULLS BACK HIS HEAD AND HEADBUTTS IT!

J.R.: HE’S HEADBUTTING IT! HE’S HEADBUTTING A STEAM ROLLER!

W.W.: You can’t solve all your problems with HEADBUTTS, asshole!

HE HEADBUTTS IT AGAIN! AND AGAIN! ON THE FIFTH HEADBUTT the STEAMROLLER IS FLUNG UPWARDS. Blood leaks from SAKETUMI’S SKULL.

“H-He knocked it back!” Tanaka shouts.

“He gathered ki into his forehead to repel the STEAMROLLER…” Hattori Hanzo thinks.

THE STEAMROLLER RISES IN THE AIR SLIGHTLY, THELDORRIN STILL ON TOP.

“You really think that’ll do it?! Hahaha! Here I come again!” THELDORRIN BEGINS PUMMELING THE STEAMROLLER AT RETARDEDLY HIGH SPEEDS.

THE STEAMROLLER CRASHES BACK DOWN ONTO SAKETUMI! THELDORRIN CONTINUES TO PUMMEL IT, OVER AND OVER, WARPING THE METAL! AND THEN- AND THEN- SAKETUMI EXPLODES THROUGH IT! HIS FIST ABOVE HIS HEAD! IT’S THE FUCKING FEEL OVER!!

“WHAT?!” THELDORRIN SHOUTS!

“All that attacking to the STEAMROLLER WEAKENED IT so it could be pierced by the FEELING OVER!!” Hanzo thinks to himself, “ALL THAT PUMMELING THELDORRIN DID ONLY HELPED HIM!”

THE METAL OF THE STEAMROLLER SPINS AROUND SAKETUMI SLIGHTLY FOR THE TORNADO-LIKE ENERGY OF THE FEELING OVER! ONCE PENETRATED, THE METAL FIRES OFF AWAY FROM SAKETUMI AND, OF COURSE, KILLS MANY INNOCENT FANS! SAKETUMI CONTINUES TO RISE UP AT THE AIRBORNE THELDORRIN! THE FIST SAILS TOWARDS THE STUNNED MECHANO-MAN! THELDORRIN RAISES HIS ARM AND THE ROCKATRICITY JEWEL BEGINS TO GLOW! GLOW BRIGHTER THAN EVER BEFORE!

“TIME STOP!” THELDORRIN SCREAMS! THE JEWEL EMITS A WAVE THAT TURNS THE SURROUNDINGS BLACK AND WHITE. Much like the RICHONIUM IN DANIELS THAT GAVE HIM SUCH A SIMILAR POWER, the RICHONIUM embedded in THELDORRIN’S HAND HAS BEEN UTILIZED TO STOP THE FLOW OF FUCKING TIME!

Everything slows to a stop. Theldorrin laughs RIGHT IN THE RAGE-WARPED FACE OF SAKETUMI!

“A human is just a human is just a human!” Theldorrin shouts! He looks over the DRAINED RICHONIUM IN HIS FIST! He shrugs, and RAISES HIS ARM LIKE A HAMMER AND SLAMS IT ONTO THE FUCKING SKULL OF SAKETUMI! An X-RAY reveals THELDORRIN’S FUCKING HAND CRACKING OPEN SAKETUMI’S SKULL! Saketumi begins to DESCEND DOWNWARDS FROM THE BLOW BUT STOPS, as TIME IS STILL STOPPED. Theldorrin continues to hover and starts to laugh! HARDER AND HARDER!

”Hahahahahahaha!” Theldorrin cackles with glee, taking a bizarre pose in mid-air.

“TIME RESUMES.”

All the crowd sees is SAKETUMI SENT TO THE FUCKING MAT LIKE A BULLET! WHEN HE COLLIDES BLOOD SPILLS GENEROUSLY ONTO THE MAT! Fans begin to VOMIT! Saketumi is ALL BUT DEAD!

Theldorrin lands onto a turnbuckle and stands perched. He looks over his battered armor, covered in scrapes and burns. He compares his damage to the obliterated body of Rakkyu Saketumi. “Too easy …” he mutters to himself.

J.R.: WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?! It seems like Theldorrin is moving even faster than Daniels!

W.W.: The replay offers no help, J.R.!

A REPLAY OF SAKETUMI’S FEELING OVER IS SHOWN ON THE SIDE

W.W.: One minute Saketumi is about to DECAPITATE THE HEAD OF RED CHINA and the next he’s SENT FLYING TOWARDS THE RING, his skull busted wide open! No amount of slow-motion even shows Theldorrin’s COUNTERATTACK!

Saketumi is prone on the mat, a pool of blood collecting around his OPEN FUCKING SKULL.

“It feels so good …”

Rakkyu Saketumi lays on the mat, unmoving.

“I didn’t know it would feel so good to lose …”

Everything becomes hazy … fading to white.

“So good … I feel so good …”

Whiter and whiter.

The shouts of the crowd fade into silence.

“There’s nothing … left to worry about …”

And it fades further.

And further.

And further.

Saketumi sees a procession of shadows move towards him in the all white land-scape.

“So … good …”

And further.

And further.

“WHAT THE FUCK AM I THINKING?!”

SAKETUMI’S EYES SNAP OPEN!

“I CAME ALL THIS WAY! I TRAINED SO HARD”

Saketumi thinks back to his TRAINING with the ninja and Hattori Hanzo, lifting boulders up mountains, breaking trees with his head, perfecting his moves.

“I DEFEATED ALL THOSE WARRIORS!”

Flashes of battles with Hoity von Toity, Jack Daniels, Kuroda Saito, and many gangsters and fellow Yakuza flash through his mind.

“THEY’VE BEEN CHEERING ME ON ALL THIS TIME! PUSHING ME!”

Kuzuki and Tanaka giving the THUMBS UP to Saketumi flashes through his mind. Genji and the other villagers, the ramen shop owner, the ninja, everyone SAKETUMI HAS BECOME FRIENDS WITH.

“THEY DIED FOR ME …”

Images of Hibashira, Yuki, Kaze, and Takeo flash through his mind.

“… SO I COULD WIN THE BELT! SO I COULD BECOME CHAMPION!”

SAKETUMI LOOKS UP AND THE FTUW CHAMPIONSHIP APPEARS BEFORE HIM, NEARLY FIFTY FEET TALL! DARKNESS SURROUNDS HIM AS HE LAYS ON THE GROUND, REACHING FOR THAT BELT!

Then hands APPEAR. HANDS PICKING HIM UP. HANDS LIFTING HIM TO HIS FEET. HANDS HELPING HIM!

THEY CARRY HIM TO THE BELT! IT’S IN HIS GRASP!

”THE CHAMPION!!”

SHIFT-CLICK HERE!

As Theldorrin steps down off the turnbuckle, agreat horror washes over his mechanical face upon the sudden realization of what lays before him. That monster, hunching down before him, coughing up GOBS AND GOBS OF BLOOD. That monster that is supposed to be human. In his nearly dead body a MASSIVE KI BURSTS FORTH. Everyone in the fucking arena can feel it, most of all Theldorrin who is standing only a few feet away from the beast. Despite his computer-like brain unable to understand the ki force that resides in Saketumi, HE FEELS IT. Rakkyu Saketumi’s pompadour begins to float upwards as he raises his head to face his opponent. SMOKE COMES OFF THE HOLE IN HIS GODDAMNED HEAD. His eyes GLOW WITH TENACITY … WITH LIFE!

#Yasashisa o kawaisou na boku e#

ENERGY BURSTS FORTH FROM SAKETUMI’S BODY LIKE A HURRICANE.

#LOST MIND kanashimi kanjite#

Theldorrin stands there STUNNED, FROZEN. A great pressure FILLS THE AIR.

#GET LIFE igai to gouman na no desu#

Suddenly, the spirits of everyone spring forth. HOPE. HOPE FILLS THEIR HEART.

#Ore wa saitei#

Rakkyu Saketumi begins to weave in a CIRCLE-EIGHT FORMATION.

#Naku to ii KIRISUTO ni ginge shite#

He continues to weave. Faster! HARDER! BUILDING UP SPEED!

#Gedatsu o kokoromita yoru desu#

Blood is flung rom his body and splashes against the ground.

#BUTTERFLY sanagi wa minna kaeru#

Theldorrin raises his hand in front of him to increase the distance between Saketumi and himself. He trembles slightly when he takes a step back.

#Setsunakatta na-BUSTED#

SAKETUMI CHARGES FORWARD, STILL WEAVING. BLOOD TRAILS FROM HIS SKULL.

#Ima ano hi no kokoro torimodoshitai#

AND HE SLAMS HIS FUCKING SKULL INTO THELDORRIN’S FACE!

#I WANT THIS ONLY#

HEADBUTT!

#Sagashi motomeru#

HEADBUTT!

#Ano giniro no#

ANOTHER HEADBUTT! SAKETUMI IS THROWING HIS WHOLE BODY’S WEIGHT INTO EACH HEADBUTT!

#Hikari no naka de#

HEADBUTT!

#Naiteru hito mo#

HEADBUTT! BLOOD IS BEING SLUNG EVERYWHERE!

#Tatakau hito mo#

HEADBUTT! THELDORRIN CAN’T DEFEND HIMSELF WHATSOEVER!

#Ai suru hito mo#

HEADBUTT!! CHUNKS OF METAL ARE IMBEEDED IN SAKETUMI’S SKULL!

#Ai suru boku mo#

HEADBUTT!! SHRAPNEL BURSTS FROM THELDORRIN’S FACE AND KILLS SOMEONE IN THE FUCKING CROWD!

#Dare mo kizuitenai keredo... WHYYYYY?#

HEADBUTT! STEAM ENERGY EJECTS FROM THELDORRIN’S FACE! DROPLETS OF SWEAT AND BLOOD HANG IN THE AIR!

#Sou sa... kono mama NO PAIN TRANCE CONTINUE#

BLUE ENERGY COLLECTS ON SAKETUMI’S HEAD! HE CRASHES IT DOWN INTO THELDORRIN’S BLOODY, CRUSHED FACE! BOOOOOM!! THELDORRIN IS KNOCKED OFF HIS FUCKING FEET!

J.R.: BAH GAWD! BAH GAWD! HE’S COMING BACK! DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES?!

“SAKETUMI-SAMA!!” Kuzuki and Tanaka SCREAM, “IKKEI!!”

#Sagasou kotae wa kikanaide#

THELDORRIN GRABS ON THE RING ROPES AND STEADIES HIMSELF!

#Mitsuketai GIRIGIRI no shoubu de#

He looks at Saketumi in SHEER FUCKING HORROR AS SAKETUMI LEANS BACKWARD, THE TIP OF HIS FOREHEAD EMITTING VISION-DISTORTING HEAT!

#GET LIFE jikan ga sonna ni nai ze#

“W-What the hell … ? This shouldn’t be happening!” Theldorrin utters.

#Sore ga START WAY#

THELDORRIN BRINGS HIS ARMS UP TO BLOCK THE MASSIVE HEADBUTT JUST IN TIME! The ropes behind him EXPLODE INTO A MILLION FIBERS! The energy KEEPS GOING, hits the fucking GUARD RAIL and DRILLS ITS WAY INTO THE AUDIENCE KILLING TEN FANS!

#I WANT THIS ONLY#

Smoke POURS off both Theldorrin’s ARMS and Saketumi’s HEAD.

#Sagashi motomeru ano giniro no hikari no naka de#

But under that smoke … SAKETUMI’S EYES ARE STILL ALIVE! STILL BURNING WITH THE DESIRE TO WIN THE BELT!

#Dare ka o kizutsukete jibun mo kizutsuite#

“WHAT IS GOING ON?!” Theldorrin screams! ENERGY BEGINS SOARING AROUND SAKETUMI!

#Dakedo owarazuni tada oimotome#

“W-What are you?! St-stay back!!” THELDORRIN SHOUTS. THE CROWD IS STUNNED INTO SILENCE AT THE SAVAGE BEATING AN ALMOST DEAD SAKETUMI HAS UNLEASHED.

#Nani mo mietenai keredo... WHYYYYY?#

“YOU CAN’T DO THIS! YOU’RE JUST A FUCKING HUMAN!!”

RAKKYU SAKETUMI SLINGS HIS HEAD FORWARD, SMOKING AND BLOOD POURING FROM HIS SKULL WOUND ALONG WITH AN ATOMIC BOMB WORTH OF FUCKING ENERGY.

#Kitto kono mama NO PAIN TRANCE CONTINUE#

“WHERE DID YOU GET THIS STRENGTH?!” THELDORRIN SHOUTS.

THEN SOMETHING CATCHES HIS EYE.

THERE’S AN IMAGE BEHIND HIM. DISTORTED, HAZY.

MIMICKING HIS EVERY MOVE.

IT’S GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING HANDSOMUS R. AWESOME!!

“Y-YOU … IT CAN’T BE!” THELDORRIN SCREAMS IN DESPERATION! SAKETUMI’S HEAD ROCKETS FORWARD AND THELDORRIN RAISES HIS ARM ONCE AGAIN TO DEFEND! THE HEADBUTT FLIES FORWARD … FASTER AND HARDER … AND THEN SINKS!!

Theldorrin’s EYES WIDEN IN FEAR AS HE SEES SAKETUMI CROUCH DOWN, CLENCHING HIS FIST. Fiery energy begins to SWIRL AROUND HIS FEET! IT WASN’T A HEADBUTT AT ALL! IT WAS A FUCKING FEINT! A FEINT FOR THE FEELING OVER!!

“T-T-TIME STO-!!”

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!

#Sagasou kotae wa kikanaide#

“GLRRRRRKKK!!” THELDORRIN VOMITS UP NEARLY A GALLON OF BLOOD AS SAKETUMI’S FIST DRIVES ITSELF THROUGH HIS CHEST ARMOR AND INTO HIS JAW! THE RING MAT TWISTS FROM THE CYCLONE ENERGY UNTIL IT TEARS OPEN! BOTH SAKETUMI AND THELDORRIN ARE AIRBORNE!!

#Fuan mo kanashimi mo kakushite#

Both Saketumi and Theldorrin float in mid-air, looking almost weightless.

#Dare ka ni aitai to kanjite#

Blood falls from both of their bodies LIKE RAIN as they continue to sail upward.

#Kokoro ga kowaresou ni naru#

THE CROWD WATCHES ON STUNNED. THEIR MOUTHS DROPPED. KUZUKI AND TANAKA CANNOT MOVE. THE ANNOUNCERS CANNOT FIND WORDS. Even Saketumi’s master IS FROZEN.

#Shinitai to iu toki ikitai to kanjiru#

Theldorrin looks hazily at his opponent, Saketumi, FLYING UPWARDS AT NEARLY THE SAME SPEED HE IS!

#Kono giniro no hikaru no naka de#

THELDORRIN XIV STARES AT SAKETUMI STARING BACK AT HIM! HIS EYES STILL ALIVE! STILL BURNING!

#Aitai to iu toki aenai to kanjiru#

HIS EYES ARE BURNING WITH THE HEARTS OF MILLIONS OF JAPANESE! Saketumi reaches forward and grasps THELDORRIN BY HIS SHOULDERS TIGHTLY. Theldorrin wants to SCREAM FOR HELP BUT HIS FACE HAS BEEN REDUCED TO NEAR HAMBURGER!

#Kono kanashimi no hikari no naka DEYYYYY#

HE GRABS HIM AT THE APEX OF THEIR FLIGHT AND TURNS HIM UPSIDE DOWN! CLASPING HIS TORSO TIGHTLY, SAKETUMI USES HIS LAST BIT OF FUCKING ENERGY TO TWIST LIKE A DRILL!!

#EYYYYYYYY-EYYYYYYYYYY#

HE TURNED THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING FEELING OVER INTO THE GODDAMNED FUCKING ROLLING GO FUCK FUCK!!

#EYYYYYYYY-EYYYYYYYYYY#

UPON IMPACT, THE RING FUCKING EXPLODES INTO A GIANT PLUME OF SMOKE! THE EXPLOSION KILLS ANYONE WITHIN THIRTY FEET OF THE RING INSTANTLY, EXCEPT TANAKA AND KUZUKI WHO ARE BLOWN AWAY! THE RINGPOSTS, STILL ATTACHED TO THE ROPES, FLY OUT INTO THE AUDIENCE AT SUCH HIGH SPEEDS THE ROPES DISEMBOWL AUDIENCE MEMBERS. THOSE THAT DON’T DIE IMMEDIATELY LOSE CONTROL OF THEIR BOWELS AND FUCKING SHIT EVERYWHERE. DOZENS OF PEOPLE ENTER INTO CARDIAC ARREST IMMEDIATELY. JIM ROSS IS CURED OF BELL’S PALSY! WARRIOR WARRIOR’S ADRENALINE IS SO FUCKING HIGH IT TURNS HIM GAY SOMEHOW AND HE IMMEDIATELY RAPES X-PAC. X-PAC, MOUNTED ON WARRIOR’S COCK, BEGINS CROTCH CHOPPING AT IMPOSSIBLE SPEEDS UNTIL HE **KARATE CHOPS** HIS OWN FUCKING LEGS OFF! THEN HIS TORSO EXPLODES WHILE WARRIOR IS UNCONTROLLABLY SOBBING.

#I WANT THIS ONLY#

“H-He did it … !!” Hattori Hanzo mutters.

The smoke clears in the SOMEHOW FLAMING wreckage of the ring with RAKKYU SAKETUMI LYING ON TOP OF THELDORRIN DEEP INSIDE A CRATER!

#Sagashi motomeru#

The referee FALLS FROM THE TOP OF THE ARENA, TO WHICH HE WAS BLOWN BY THE EXPLOSION, and BREAKS ALL HIS BONES IN HIS BODY EXCEPT IN HIS ARM! COMPELLED BY THE SHEER BRAVERY OF RAKKYU SAKETUMI, HE COUNTS!!

#Ano giniro no#

OOOOOOOOOOONNNEEEE!!

”He perfected it …”

#Hikari no naka de#

“HEADBUTTOH … FEELING OVER … ROLLING GO!” Hattori Hanzo CLENCHES HIS FIST INTENSLY, “He combined his three strongest techniques … even added a FEINT!”

#Hikari no naka de#

TWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

“He’s surpassed me … SURPASSED ALL HUMANS,” Hanzo thinks to himself, “He’s truly become …”

#Hikari no naka de#

THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!/i]

“THE WORLD’S STRONGEST!!”

#Hikari o tsukinukete#

THE CROWD BREAKS THEIR SILENCE AND ERUPTS INTO AN ORGASMIC FRENZY OF CHEERS!!

J.R.: SAKETUMI WINS! SAKETUMI WINS! SAKETUMI WINS! BAH GAWD BAH GAWD!

#I WANT THIS ONLY#

W.W.: OH MY GOD. WHAT I HAVE DONE?!

J.R.: SAKETUMI WINS! HE’S DONE IT! HE’S DONE IT! BAAHHAHAHAHFBNHGBNGENGEGMIGNHFGEJeojpfjopkfofok
Ryoko's Biatch
Joined: 04 Jan 2007
Posts: 9255
(Mon Feb 12, 2007 4:31 pm)
Reply

Post     Re: Roy Jonze Jr. Presents: Super Taboo Tuesday (#9)

#I WANT THIS ONLY#

“SAKETUMI-SAMA!!” Kuzuki and Tanaka RUSH TO THE RING AND TO THEIR HERO’S SIDE!

#I WANT THIS ONLY#

“YOU’RE THE CHAMPION, SAKETUMI-SAMA!!”

Lying on Theldorrin’s unconscious body is Saketumi, motionless. The Hellriders lift him up the smoking body of Theldorrin and onto Tanaka’s shoulders. A ring crew brings Saketumi his belt. RAKKYU’S HAND SPRINGS TO LIFE AND GRABS THE END OF THE BELT, AND CLENCHES IT TIGHTLY. The camera pans up to see SAKETUMI SMILING!

Fireworks and confetti start going off as the non-dead fans begin to cry at the HEART-RENDING MOMENT.

Saketumi leaves on Tanaka’s shoulders as the crowd chants “SAKETUMI!” over and over and over.

On a long, dirt road marches Tanaka and Kuzuki with The Burning Wolf hoisted up on Tanaka’s shoulders. The FTUW Championship hangs from Rakkyu Saketumi’s hand, his fist clenched tightly around the leather strap. The sun is setting.

“And when you ducked down … Sugoi!!” Kuzuki shouts while throwing a flurry of fists.

“Ohh! Where we should go to celebrate? I’d really like seafood ramen … “ Tanaka salivates until Kuzuki kicks him in the ass.

“Tanaka-fatty! Stop thinking about food! This is a time of men!” Kuzuki screams.

“Kuzuki … so cruel …”

Rakkyu Saketumi gazes at the sunset hazily. His face is covered entirely with dried blood. Although it was nearly an hour ago since he first touched the belt, the smile hasn’t faded from his face.

“To be strong …”

“To be strong …”

“All this time, I’ve been looking for that answer.”

Kuzuki and Tanaka’s raucous arguing is mute to Rakkyu Saketumi.

“I’ve fought so many strong warriors …”

Images of Takeo, Jack Daniels, Baron Hoity von Toity, and Theldorrin through his mind in succession.

“To be strong …”

“Ever since that day, it was my only goal …”

Saketumi thinks about finding his mother dying on the floor. Saketumi thinks about murdering the thief in the alleyway. He remembers himself crushing countless opponents in cage matches.

“No matter how many I beat …that boiling blood of mine never cooled down …”

The battles with Toity and Daniels flash through his mind.

“But now … I feel at peace …”

“After so many years of fighting for my life … I’m at peace …”

Tanaka and Kuzuki carry on. Tanaka purses his lips together and says “Pissssssuki!” Kuzuki screams back “Uroseii!”

Rakkyu Saketumi smiles.

“To be strong …”

“To be strong …”

”I don’t know what it is to be strong … even now …”

“But now, after all this time … I just realized I found what’s important …”

He looks at Tanaka and Kuzuki still squabbling.

“FRIENDS …”

Kuzuki, Tanaka, and Saketumi continue down that endless dirt road.

“Mmm … beef ramen … seafood ramen … I can’t wait!” Tanaka says dreamily.

“Tseh … ramen ramen ramen … that’s all I hear out-“ Kuzuki freezes.

Kuzuki’s jaw drops. His sunglasses slide down the bridge of his nose, revealing his wide-eyed expression. The cigarette hanging from his lip falls to the ground.

To the left of Kuzuki, from the shimmering river in the sunset, rises up a flock of doves.

Kuzuki watches them breathlessly as they soar higher and higher into the sky, completely captivated by the sight.

“Chicken ramen … or maybe chicken and beef ramen and-“

“Tanaka …”

“Eh, Kuzuki-kun?” Tanaka turns back to his comrade.

“Tanaka …” Kuzuki mutters trembling, “Stop it …”

“Eh, what’s the matter, Kuzuki-kun?”

“Stop it … Tanaka,” tears begin streaming down Kuzuki’s face, “Don’t you see?”

“What’s going on? What are you talking about, Kuzuki-kun?” Tanaka asks with worry and fear in his voice.

Kuzuki falls to his hands and knees. Tears splash onto the dirt.

“Don’t you see … SAKETUMI IS ALREADY DEAD!” Kuzuki cries!

The words crash down on Tanaka, nearly causing him to crumble. He’s frozen, paralyzed.

“No, it can’t be …” Tanaka stammers, “It can’t be …”

Kuzuki clenches his fist, tears streaming down his face. Kuzuki stumbles and falls to one knee, his whole body trembling.

“It can’t be!” Tanaka begins to tear up, “It can’t be! Look!”

“HE’S STILL HOLDING ONTO THE CHAMPIONSHIP BELT!!”

In Saketumi’s hand is the FTUW Championship, his hand still clenching tightly onto its leather strap despite their no longer being life in his body.

“He still has it!” Tanaka shouts with tears streaming down his face, “He finally got what he’s always wanted! HE CAN’T BE DEAD NOW! HE’S STILL HOLDING THE BELT, KUZUKI-KUN!!”

Kuzuki continues to sob uncontrollably. Tanaka lowers Saketumi off his back and onto the dirt, shaking his collar frantically to wake him. Kuzuki lies on his hands and knees, accepting what Tanaka has refused to accept.

The camera pans up to the sky, following the flock of doves as they soar across the sky.

The credits begin to roll and really sad anime music begins to play.

End.
Ryoko's Biatch
Joined: 04 Jan 2007
Posts: 9255
(Mon Feb 12, 2007 4:31 pm)
Reply

Post     Re: Roy Jonze Jr. Presents: Super Taboo Tuesday (#9)

Inside James Brock McHarris' office. McHarris is smoking a fine cuban cigar while sitting on a giant pile of money, presumably from the massive amount of tickets sold and PPV buys. Suddenly, a buzzer sounds on McHarris' desk. McHarris presses a button.

"Yes, what is it, Darlene?" McHarris asks.

"Uh, sir," the secretary stammers through the intercom, "The results of your physical came in."

"So what?" McHarris puffs on his cigar.

"You have cancer, sir," the secretary replies.

End. For reals.
Yogurtman
Odin
Joined: 03 Jan 2007
Posts: 2248
(Mon Feb 19, 2007 11:45 pm)
Reply

Post     Re: FTUW'S ROY JONZE JR. PRESENTS: SUPER TABOO TUESDAY (#9)

Reply so the PPVs go in order.
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