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FTUW's Roy Jonze Jr. Presents: Super Taboo Tuesday II!

 
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Vinny
[00:10] How can you get an erect dick into your own ass?
Joined: 16 Jan 2007
Posts: 5181
(Sun Sep 30, 2007 6:59 pm)
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Post     FTUW's Roy Jonze Jr. Presents: Super Taboo Tuesday II!

The screen is black, the sound of a heartbeat crawling out the darkness and growing louder and increasing in pace until it's almost deafening. The repeated beeping of an EKG machine joins the heartbeat, the rhythm increasing as the heart pumps at fatal speeds. FROM OUT OF GODDAMNED NOWHERE, a guitar begins to squeal violently as the letters "F T U W" grow from a single white dot in the center of THE BLACKNESS. AS THE GUITAR REACHES ITS BREAKING POINT, THE LETTERS VIBRATE RETARDEDLY UNTIL THEY EXPLODE. The song is "Coronary Coitus" by Viscerape. The lead singer, Leitch, belts out a MONSTROUS GROAN in tune to footage of ANT KING SCREAMING BLOOD as Corey Nguyen turns his TORSO into a BLACK HOLE.

#FUNGYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!#

Handsomus R. Awesome and Perfect Theldorrin clash FIST to GUITAR high above a smoldering ring. Sella Phayne's SKULL folds around a STEEL POLE swung by Super Queerbasher. Jack Masteron SPEWS from the top of Bin Destruction's head like a GEYSER and the two begin FENCING with hatchets and boxcutters.

#GUOOOOOBEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!#

Rakkyu Saketumi FLIES TOWARD Theldorrin XIV with a SMOKING HOLE in his CRANIUM. Guan Fei's own spear is driven DEEP into his ORBITAL CAVITY. Jack Masterson's arm of Abaddon tears out Handsomus' throat. Lunar Plexus BURSTS out of the ground and MILITARY PRESSES a chariot and its horses. Ant King SCREAMS and vomits up a SWARM OF HORNETS. Fancy Lala rolls around on the floor, shitting his pants, before the footage switches over to Kuroda plucking out Jonesie's eyeball with his toes.

#I'MGONNAFUCKYOUI'MGONNAFUCKYOUI'MGONNAFUCKYOU!#

Steve Austin Stunners A FUCKING WAVE OF ACID SOMEHOW! Saketumi and Jack Daniels HEADBUTT EACH OTHER OVER AND OVER, CAUSING THE GROUND AT THEIR FEET TO CRACK! Theldorrin XIV hovers above FUCK MOUNTAIN, wielding a massive MOLTEN BOULDER.

#I'MGONNAFUCKYOUI'MGONNAFUCKYOUI'MGONNAFUCKYOU!#

Moloch Arschloch bites off Saito's fingers. Bin Destruction CRASHES DOWN FROM OUTER SPACE and collides into Puff Ryder's chest. The ILLUSIONIST DROPS THE GODDAMNED MOON ON LUNAR PLEXUS' SHOULDERS.

#I can't resist it! Beatin' your bones with mah dick
I can't deny it! Fuck your guts so I can drink the sick (FUUUUCK)#

Rakkyu Saketumi stands unconscious, dead, in his friends' arms, gripping the World Title belt tightly. A minigun BURSTS from ANT KING'S FUCKING ASS and STARTS FIRING ROUND AFTER ROUND as he feeds ammo down his goddamned throat.

#BALLS DEEP IN THE DEAD I DON'T WANNA PART
TAKE MY HAND AS I LOVE YOUR HEART (FUUUUUCK)#

Charles Bronson emerges from a hardware store with chainsaws replacing his arms and legs. Kanzaki Kenjiro punches Dwayne Guan mid-Jade Spear, causing his body to turn inside-out and explode. Harry Underwood BURSTS out of a GIANT, HANGING CORPSE wrapped into PUTRID INTESTINES.

#IT'S COMING! DISMEMBER WITH MY MEMBER SO I CAN DEVOUR YOUR DEATH#
#IT'S COMING! FUCK YOUR LUNGS AS YOU TAKE YOUR LAST BREATH#

McHarris CLOTHESLINES THROUGH A FUCKING CAR. GUAN FEI AND THELDORRIN XIV FALL WHILE HUNDREDS OF FEET ABOVE GROUND, TRADING FISTS. HANDSOMUS R. AWESOME CRASHES A COMET INTO MADISON SQUARE GARDEN, BROUGHT BACK FROM THE DEAD. DANIELS, KENJIRO, HANDSOMUS, AND GUAN FEI ROCK THE FUCK OUT AND ERADICATE THELDORRIN OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH! Robert McCoy SHEDS a few tear before he EXPLODES, DESTROYING A GODDAMNED STATE.

#COR-O-NARY COITUS (JIZZ IN YOUR BLOOD)#
COR-O-NARY COITUS (SWALLOW MY MAN MUD)#

The music reaches it CRESCENDO as FUCK MOUNTAIN CRASHES INTO THE PACIFIC OCEAN, DESTROYING SOUTHEAST ASIA AND KILLING MILLIONS! The FUCKING FTUW logo BURSTS THROUGH A BRICK WALL, BLOOD and BONES and ABORTED FETUSES spurting from the hole for some reason. The SCREEN FADES TO FUCKING BLACK.

FTUW Entertainment 2010. All Rights Reserved.
Vinny
[00:10] How can you get an erect dick into your own ass?
Joined: 16 Jan 2007
Posts: 5181
(Sun Sep 30, 2007 7:41 pm)
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Post     Re: FTUW's Roy Jonze Jr. Presents: Super Taboo Tuesday II!

Lightning fills the crimson sky just off the coast of Florida on several dozens of Toity's imperial goons ride boats flanked by more goons on jet skis as they cross the polluted waters of the Atlantic Ocean. Another bolt of lightning illuminates the sky, silhouetting a giant, mechanical structure floating in the middle of the ocean.

"Is that it?" asks the 1st mate goon of his captain.

"Yar," says the pirate captain, "that be her. The Thunderdome."

The Thunderdome, FTUW's floating arena created during the three months that the United States Government outlawed wrestling. After the apocalypse, it was lost at sea and filled with the most heinous of goons. From there it floated from shore to shore, briefly raping and pillaging towns and picking up unsavory folk to join them on their bloody voyage. Each day is filled with constant violence, numerous gangs wage war on this floating prison, the dead tossed overboard.

KA-CHOONG! Cannons fire GRAPPLING HOOKS that latch on the Thunderdome. Immediately the shrieks of goons can be heard and the Thunderdome is peppered with the twinkling of dozens of torches.

"They're coming!" shouts one shipmate before getting his face cut off with a javelin. With dozens of chains latched onto the Thunderdome and the boats trying to pull it to shore, goons begin SKATING DOWN the CHAINS while wielding AXES and SCYTHES and CHAINSAWS. Soon Toity's goons and the Thunderdome goons are embroiled in MORTAL COMBAT.

Blood fills the choppy waters as Toity goons on turrets that fire arrows on goons that are somehow riding MOTORCYCLES down the chains but half the time they just fall off and plunge into the icy waters and drown to death.

"There's too many of them, captain! We can't hold 'em!" screams a shipmate.

"Yar! Keep trying! You'll get paid your weight in gold if we can wrangle this stadium!" the pirate captain screams, but then a giant buzzsaw cuts him in half.

High in the skies floats Toity's zeppelin ominously, overlooking the fierce naval battle being waged below. Toity is rubbing his cane made from pieces of McHarris' arms while enjoying a glass of brandy. Wilson P. Hickenbottom, his ever vigilant assistant, approaches his side.

"It seems our men are having some trouble with the, hm, natives," Hickenbottom mutters.

"It's no matter, I have a feeling that it will all work itself out," Toity grins, tugging at his mustache. "I'm not the only one who has a stake in this event, after all ..."

Admist all this carnage sits one man, sitting in the middle of the wrestling ring in the center of the Thunderdome. With shoulder pads made from the skulls of swordfish and various other shark skulls attached to his elbows and knees, this man is the leader of the goons in Thunderdome. He's the one they go to to settle disputes between the gangs. Wearing a belt that is actually a living electric eel, this genetic freak stands at over seven feet tall and has FOUR ARMS, all equally pumped with steroids. He is King Thunder, king of the Thunderdome.

BOOOM! What sounds like cannon fire fills the air as a BLACK OBELISK crashes into the ring floor right in front of King Thunder's throne. Screaming "King Thunder!" goons rush to his aid as smoke begins pouring out of the object.

"What the FUUUUCK is DIS SHIT?!" a goon shouts.

"WHATEVER'S INSIDE, I'M GONNA EAT IT!" a fat goon laughs.

From inside the obelisk exits what appears to be a man at first, but it has the sleek metallic exterior. The creature stands there, his body jet-black and gleaming in the moonlight, with numerous pipes exiting his back and from the back of his head. A type of metallic gas mask adorns his face and the crowd of goons back away at the sight of him.

"W-W-WHAT DA FUCK IS DAT?!" a goon screams.

"WHO GIVES A SHIT, I"M GONNA KILL IT!" another screams before CHARGING forward with a POWER DRILL hooked up to a CAR BATTERY. The drill explodes on his armor and the creature retaliates by shoving his fist through his gut. The goon, still alive, tries to pull himself off the metallic black hand but can't. That's when he notices his OWN BODY EXPANDING. WITH THIN WISPS OF SMOKE coming from his NOSE, EARS, and TEARDUCTS, he SCREAMS out in AGONY before exploding in a PUFF OF BLOODY SMOKE.

"SH-SH-SH-SH-SH-SH-FUUUUUUCK!!"

With incredible precision and speed, the metallic creature rushes from one goon to the next, impaling and inflating them with smoke until they explode. Soon there's no goons left, except King Thunder, and a ring filled with body parts.

"DIS ... IS KING THUNDER'S DOMAIN!" KING THUNDER says, pointing all his thumbs at his chest with a goofy grin. WITH THAT, HE CHARGES FORWARD and UNLEASHES A FLURRY OF HOOKS AND STRAIGHTS with all FOUR ARMS. The black creature is on the defensive, being knocked around violently by King Thunder's great strength.

BOOOOM! A powerful uppercut launches the black creature, but he merely backflips in air and lands safely on the ground. Thunder just realizes that all of his attacks have done nothing more than break his fists!

FOOOOEEEEE! THE BLACK CREATURE'S CHEST OPENS UP TO REVEAL A SERIES OF BLADES SPINNING INSIDE. SOON, A POWERFUL VACUUM BEGINS SUCKING UP THE BODY PARTS OF THE GOONS, THE SHREDDED FLESH AND BLOOD EJECTING OUT OF THE PIPES ON HIS BACK. KING THUNDER GRABS ONTO THE ROPES but it's USELESS. HIS LEGS gets SUCKED UP FIRST and shredded and bit by bit HE IS MULCHED.

"I ... I was building a house ..." he mutters before he's turned into BLOODIOCA PUDDING. The surrounding goons bow down to the black creature, hailing them as their new leader.

Somewhere, in a stealth vessel flying through the skies just outside of New America. In a very dimly lit but extremely futuristic room sits a man in a grey suit, surrounded by shadows. Out of one these aforementioned shadows appears the Secret Prime Minister of Great Britain, Archibald Orwellington.

"Sir, it seems like the commotion on the Thunderdome has been quelled. Toity's forces are pulling it to shore as we speak," he says.

"Ah, so everything went according to plan," Theldorrin replies. "I wouldn't want to miss this event, after all."

"Yes, Weed Machine took care of those rabblerousers quite handily."

"Excellent. Everything must go on without a hitch as tonight is a very important night for our organization," Theldorrin utters. "No, the entire world."
Vinny
[00:10] How can you get an erect dick into your own ass?
Joined: 16 Jan 2007
Posts: 5181
(Tue Oct 02, 2007 2:50 pm)
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Post     Re: FTUW's Roy Jonze Jr. Presents: Super Taboo Tuesday II!

"Bloody Sac Stew" by Viscerape blares through the loudspeakers as subhuman degenerate lunatics known as the FTUW Fan Nation pour into the arena. Violence breaks out almost immediately with several men running through the crowd on fire within minutes of the gates opening. Fans grab them Steveweisers and brush away the blood, body parts, and hunks of brain matter left over from the cleaning conducted by Toity and Theldorrin's forces.

Suddenly, a military chopper SWOOPS OVERHEAD and drops what appears to be two LARGE BOMBS.

KLUNG! The two bombs land at ringside, not exploding but simply buried a few inches deep into the concrete floor. A door pops off one of the bombs and out emerges, in a thick fog, WARRIOR WARRIOR. Warrior wipes his ass and pulls up his pants, confusing his transport for a port-a-potty.

W.W.: YEAAAAAAAAAAH! I LOVE THAT SMELL. DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT SMELLS LIKE, JIM?

Warrior turns to the other pod, slams his fist into the wall, and Jim Ross' body comes tumbling out.

W.W.: Fuck.

WARRIOR immediately PUNCHES JIM ROSS in the chest, STARTING HIS HEART BACK UP AGAIN. Ross spews vomit all over the announcer's table.

J.R.: Gruhh ... barbeque sauce ... Oklahoma ... slobber ... guh

W.W.: JIM, YOU'RE DELIRIOUS. SNAP OUT OF IT, we have a SHOW to DO.

After a vicious shaking, life returns to Jim's rather admittedly dead eyes.

J.R.: Hello folks, it's good ol' J.R. and I'm with my ever vigilant broadcasting partner, WARRIOR WARRIOR, and tonight we've got a HUMONGOUS SHOW. Maybe the biggest we've ever done!

W.W.: That's right! Not only are all the regular fucks BRUTALIZING EACH OTHER for our amusement, but the ANT KING will be fucking FIGHTING THAT CHINESE DIPSHIT, NGUYEN! Nguyen will get what's coming to, you have the Warrior's word! Besides, what did Ant King ever do to that little shit?

J.R.: Well, Warrior, he viciously raped and nearly killed him on live television at our last Super Taboo Tuesday.

W.W.: He won a contest, Jim, and who here in the arena wouldn't have given a testicle to step into that ring and compete with one of the greats! I would be honored to be raped and murdered by the Ant King!

J.R.: Well, NGUYEN doesn't seem to share your opinion, and he's out for blood! Besides, if he was able to defeat Ant King with only one blow last time, what's going to stop him tonight? I don't think it's as cut-and-dry as you think!

W.W.: Whatever. Tonight will have one less slant mucking it up in our federation. And hopefully two if that goddamned dog can get the job done!

J.R.: Of course, Callaghan and Kanzaki Kenjiro will end their long feud that resulted in a court trial! And some interesting stuff arose during that trial. Apparently Jake Callaghan has in it between those floppy ears of his that Kenjiro killed his wife!

W.W.: What, did Kenjiro eat her or something?

J.R.: No, Warrior. Jake Callaghan's wife was a human.

W.W.: WHAT THE FUCK? THAT SICK SUBHUMAN WAS FUCKING A DOG?

J.R.: A very well educated, dog.

W.W.: Is there no one left to root for in this fucking federation?!

J.R.: And speaking of people Warrior hates, the FTUW CHAMPIONSHIP will be the line against THE BLACK JUDGE. The Illusionist has proven himself again and again, but I gotta say, he's only been squeaking by. His margin of victory is no longer than the hair on the ass of an Oklahoman hog.

W.W.: That's stupid, Jim.

J.R.: Anyway, I'm just saying Black Judge is a pretty fearsome opponent, and the Illusionist is really going to have to prove himself tonight!

W.W.: But that's not all! THE TWO STRONGEST FUCKERS IN THE NATION, no, THE WORLD have decided to BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF EACH OTHER until THEY'RE DEAD TONIGHT! This is like Ali vs. Foreman, if Ali and Foreman were both murderers responsible for taking the lives of thousands!

J.R.: This match is more than just entertainment, it's political! Because whoever wins will surely be New America's new and horribly brutal dictator. Personally, I can't wait to see what horrible nightmares are in store for us.

W.W.: I hope mandatory breeding is instituted. ME AND MY GIANT, SWEATY OYSTERS HERE are ready to make AMERICA STRONGER.

J.R.: You're a horribly disgusting man. Now then, let's get onto our first match. Corporal Body vs. Glorious Titan vs. newcomer Ryan Rocket!
SuperPsaturn
SuperPSaturn
Joined: 21 Jan 2007
Posts: 2111
(Mon Oct 08, 2007 8:33 pm)
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Post     Re: FTUW's Roy Jonze Jr. Presents: Super Taboo Tuesday II!

10:31:53 PM: Attempting to directly connect to TheVinnyMac.
10:31:54 PM: You are now directly connected to TheVinnyMac.
TheVinnyMac (10:31:57 PM): SuperPsaturn (9:37:15 PM): *the lights go motherfucking dim as whatever hard rock entrance music signaling the oncoming of Corporal Body and Glorious Titan plays*

FISTANARIUS (9:37:24 PM): Guys, a girl likes me!

The Vinny Mac (9:37:40 PM): J.R.: BAH GAWD, THINGS ARE PICKIN' UP

SuperPsaturn (9:37:41 PM): Vinny do you want to be Warrior?

The Vinny Mac (9:37:47 PM): Oh, sure.

SuperPsaturn (9:37:49 PM): Okay I guess I'll be Warrior then.

JonGreat9 (9:37:52 PM): oh, were role playing

The Vinny Mac (9:37:53 PM): OK!

SuperPsaturn (9:38:01 PM): THat's fucking right JonGreat!

JonGreat9 (9:38:02 PM): Mythril armor plz!>

FISTANARIUS (9:38:07 PM): Hahaha, this girl I'm talking to on MSN uses a big rotating question mark emoticon instead of a regular question mark

The Vinny Mac (9:38:31 PM): J.R.: It looks like Glorious Titan is coming to the ring in something different ... could that be mythril armor, Warrior?

JonGreat9 (9:38:36 PM): an E Bod E got mythril Armur plz!!?

SuperPsaturn (9:38:44 PM): *Glorious Titan (from this point forward known as GT) dons fucking mythril armor from a compartment on the entrance ramp.

JonGreat9 (9:38:55 PM): IM BACK BITCHES!!!!

JonGreat9 (9:39:17 PM): My head was out of it for a while J.R, BUT IM BACK!!!

SuperPsaturn (9:39:32 PM): *absurd viking death metal plays and GT walks to the ring looking INTENSE*

JonGreat9 (9:39:36 PM): YEAH BITCHES, SOAK UP MY FURY!!!!!

The Vinny Mac (9:39:41 PM): J.R.: YOU HEARD IT FOLKS! TITAN IS ON THE WARPATH!

JonGreat9 (9:40:03 PM): "Picks up the mic"

SuperPsaturn (9:40:23 PM): WW: Let's hear what this big fucker has to say!

JonGreat9 (9:40:23 PM): HEY!!!! IM GONNA BUST UP WHATEVER FOOL COMES THROUGH THOSE CURTIANS!!!!

JonGreat9 (9:40:34 PM): BEEN TTRAINING WITH AMON AMARTH!!!

JonGreat9 (9:40:44 PM): COME ON BITCH, SHOW YERSELF!!!

CaligulaVonKarma (9:40:57 PM): http://www.radhole.com/photos/robo_thug.jpg

SuperPsaturn (9:41:07 PM): WW: *gets boner that punctures through the announcer's table*

jOHnbUisTHeGreat (9:41:16 PM): what is happening here

jOHnbUisTHeGreat (9:41:25 PM): what the fuck have you got me into?

SuperPsaturn (9:41:30 PM): WW: The fans don't even know what's going on JR!

CaligulaVonKarma (9:41:30 PM): life is not avwebnue, of adventure, glorioustitan

CaligulaVonKarma (9:41:33 PM): http://www.radhole.com/photos/robo_thug.jpg

jOHnbUisTHeGreat (9:41:36 PM): hey Gimp did you see the Bear pic

JonGreat9 (9:41:50 PM): I got the mythril armor from frodo btw

The Vinny Mac (9:41:53 PM): *some really generic rock plays as the sounds of soldiers marching and a R. Lee Ermey impersonator screaming gibberish overlayed on top of it BLARES as CORPORAL BODY comes shambling out of the curtains*

SuperPsaturn (9:42:18 PM): *rockets shoot everywhere obviously having been set up by vindictive retards as many of them fly into the audience*

CaligulaVonKarma (9:42:37 PM): http://www.radhole.com/photos/robo_thug.jpg

JonGreat9 (9:42:57 PM): GT: Who is this bitch, looks likea Barbarian horde leader.

JonGreat9 (9:43:08 PM): GT: FOR ROME!!!!

SuperPsaturn (9:43:12 PM): *GT paces the ring as Ryan Rocket emerges from the back!*

Indian A Jonze (9:43:21 PM): How many body parts has Corporal Body lost?

The Vinny Mac (9:43:25 PM): J.R.: Several!

CaligulaVonKarma (9:43:29 PM): RRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr halp, meeeeeeeee

Indian A Jonze (9:43:30 PM): This guy could be one of D'Lo's avatars!

Indian A Jonze (9:43:34 PM): *Kevin Eubanks cackles*

(9:43:35 PM) jOHnbUisTHeGreat has left the room.

The Vinny Mac (9:43:37 PM): J.R.: Corporal Body is missing his eyes, his skin, and one arm.

SuperPsaturn (9:43:50 PM): WW: Tools of the weak, JR.

The Vinny Mac (9:44:03 PM): J.R.: And now apparently Ryan Rockett has appeared with no fanfare! All three competitors are in the ring, staring one another down!

JonGreat9 (9:44:15 PM): GT: QUEERING DONT MAKE THE WORLD WORK, BODY!!!!!

SuperPsaturn (9:44:25 PM): *Ryan Rocket enters the ring but does not yet ALTERCATE with GT though the tension is fucking HIGH!*

CaligulaVonKarma (9:44:44 PM): http://www.radhole.com/photos/robo_thug.jpg

JonGreat9 (9:44:46 PM): GT: Aint that right, WW

SuperPsaturn (9:45:02 PM): *corporal body appears being formed from limbs flying in from all directions and connecting into a body.

The Vinny Mac (9:45:11 PM): *Warrior Warrior and Titan high-five and a guitar squeals*

The Vinny Mac (9:45:27 PM): Corporal Body should get new body parts

JonGreat9 (9:45:29 PM): GT: Stupid QUEER!!!!!

The Vinny Mac (9:45:30 PM): And now, he will.

SuperPsaturn (9:45:37 PM): WW: Obviously a regular triple threat would be boring horse shit!!

SuperPsaturn (9:46:02 PM): WW: So the ring has been made out of nanotechnology that hates the fact that it is alive and thrives to kill all humans

(9:46:09 PM) SuperPsaturn has left the room.

The Vinny Mac (9:46:13 PM): J.R.: Right you are, Warrior!

CaligulaVonKarma (9:46:32 PM): where is the townsperson...........THO!

(9:46:38 PM) SuperPsaturn has entered the room.

CaligulaVonKarma (9:46:40 PM): *falls over*

SuperPsaturn (9:47:01 PM): *The ring pulsates or some shit to the shock of the three GUYS standing in it!*

The Vinny Mac (9:47:08 PM): J.R.: And Rockett is already down! Body goes for the pin!

The Vinny Mac (9:47:22 PM): J.R.: BUT OH, BODY'S LEGS FALL OFF, AND HE TOO IS ON THE MAT HELPLESS!

SuperPsaturn (9:47:30 PM): WW: Also to ensure the ring doesn't become sentient and escape into the world we've been enclosed off from the fans in a forcefield.

SuperPsaturn (9:47:49 PM): And there are four dark matter generators circling the ring in case we need to just say fucking it.

CaligulaVonKarma (9:48:09 PM): http://www.radhole.com/photos/robo_thug.jpg

CaligulaVonKarma (9:48:27 PM): unknown ... puiblic ... terminal ... FHJIGRSR

CaligulaVonKarma (9:48:28 PM): http://www.radhole.com/photos/robo_thug.jpg

SuperPsaturn (9:48:32 PM): WW: But enough explanation lets start this match of ULTRA GODS!!!!!!

SuperPsaturn (9:48:37 PM): *the bell rings*

CaligulaVonKarma (9:48:37 PM): *struggles to climb the turnbuckle*

The Vinny Mac (9:48:37 PM): *the ring shrieks wildly as it curses its own existence*

CaligulaVonKarma (9:49:02 PM): *falls of of turnbuckle impotently*

SuperPsaturn (9:49:07 PM): EVEN THOUGH SHIT has started the bell is just a formality!

CaligulaVonKarma (9:49:15 PM): http://www.radhole.com/photos/robo_thug.jpg

SuperPsaturn (9:49:37 PM): *Corporal body tries to roll out of the ring but the edges morph into cheese graters*

CaligulaVonKarma (9:49:37 PM): *struggles to climb turnbuckle again*

SuperPsaturn (9:50:13 PM): WW: Ryan Rocket going for an early HIGH RISK manuever!!

(9:50:23 PM) CaligulaVonKarma has left the room.

FISTANARIUS (9:50:35 PM): http://www.chuckzito.com/friends/images/chu_wrestle2.jpg

SuperPsaturn (9:50:54 PM): *Ryan Rocket jumps off the turnbuckle faggishly in a manner that even if interrupted what the fuck was he going to do?

The Vinny Mac (9:51:22 PM): *putrid, black ooze fires out of Rocket's gullet as his head bounces off the mat with a sickening thud*

SuperPsaturn (9:51:33 PM): *Glorious Titan Drop kicks the opposite side of the ring ropes and launches himself clothesline the fuck out of Ryan Rocket!!!*

SuperPsaturn (9:52:09 PM): WW: YES! Already shit has happened that I approve of.

JonGreat9 (9:52:22 PM): GT: THE DINGO ATE YOUR BABY!!!!!

Indian A Jonze (9:52:34 PM): Fuck

The Vinny Mac (9:52:44 PM): J.R.: And Rocket spins repeatedly from that HELLACIOUS CLOTHESLINE, his pants flying off and SHIT SPRAYING into the air from the intense impact of the blow!

The Vinny Mac (9:52:55 PM): J.R.: Also, his shit has nuts and bolts in it for some reason

SuperPsaturn (9:53:01 PM): *the ring makes a bunch of spike shoot up through the mat at different angles and one of them pierces GT's face!*

The Vinny Mac (9:53:26 PM): J.R.: Now the ring is out for blood, and that blood just happens to be Glorious Titan's!

SuperPsaturn (9:53:37 PM): WW: It's over! Corporal Body is the winner by elimination...

SuperPsaturn (9:53:40 PM): WW: NO!

SuperPsaturn (9:53:59 PM): *sees that GT turned his head at the last minute and the spike actually just pierced his cheeks.*

The Vinny Mac (9:54:05 PM): J.R.: I-It ... cunt ... be!

SuperPsaturn (9:54:54 PM): *GT fires several deadly knife edge chops that hack away at the steel spike.*

SuperPsaturn (9:55:52 PM): Corporal body upon reentering the ring having all of the meat across his chest and jaw scraped to ribbons

SuperPsaturn (9:56:23 PM): *Corporal body trips and falls into Ryan Rocket's corpse!*

JonGreat9 (9:56:37 PM): GT: TAKE IT HARD, TAKE IT LONG AND TAKE IT HARD!!!

SuperPsaturn (9:56:43 PM): *With science Ryan Rocket's head fuses to Corporal bodie's shoulders!!

The Vinny Mac (9:56:48 PM): J.R.: Bah Gawd! Bah Gawd!

The Vinny Mac (9:57:00 PM): J.R.: He's become CORPORAL ROCKET!

SuperPsaturn (9:57:04 PM): *The now two headed Corporal Rocket stands*

SuperPsaturn (9:57:36 PM): *GT ienraged still has a huge spike through his face though it's broken off from the ring*

The Vinny Mac (9:57:44 PM): J.R.: This is the most unbelievable thing I've seen in the past ten minutes!

SuperPsaturn (9:57:59 PM): *GT charges and clotheslines Corporal Rocket hitting him with a piece of the spike!*

SuperPsaturn (9:58:28 PM): The RING: NNNNNGGGRREEEEEEEEEEG DAMAGE SUSTAINED!!!

JonGreat9 (9:58:31 PM): GT: Feel good bee otch?

SuperPsaturn (9:58:53 PM): *The ring stretches out searching for raw materials to use to repair itself*

SuperPsaturn (9:59:17 PM): WW: Good thing we have this forcefield JR!

SuperPsaturn (9:59:29 PM): WW: Though we're on the inside of it...like men should be!

(9:59:37 PM) SuperPsaturn has left the room.

FISTANARIUS (9:59:55 PM): Oh god, what an ending!

(10:00:00 PM) SuperPsaturn has entered the room.

SuperPsaturn (10:00:23 PM): Oh somebody please make a note not to close your window as I'll need to borrow your copy of this chatlog because AIM is gay shit.

The Vinny Mac (10:00:34 PM): I got it

SuperPsaturn (10:00:46 PM): *The ring finds the DARK MATTER reactors!*

The Vinny Mac (10:00:59 PM): J.R.: Not the DARK MATTER reactors!

SuperPsaturn (10:01:02 PM): WW: OH NOOOOOO. Those reactors are filled with DARK MATTER!!

The Vinny Mac (10:01:13 PM): J.R.: Who put those there!

SuperPsaturn (10:01:32 PM): *scientist backstage sits around jerking off slowly*

SuperPsaturn (10:02:23 PM): *Corporal Rocket does a terrific spinning heel kick to Glorious Titan's face!*

SuperPsaturn (10:02:48 PM): WW: A TERRIFIC SPINNING HEEL KICK DELIVERED TO GLORIOUS TITAN'S FACE!

The Vinny Mac (10:02:49 PM): J.R.: Spinning lariat!

SuperPsaturn (10:03:31 PM): *Corporal rocket grabs the sides of the spike that are stricking out of GT's face like handlebars*

SuperPsaturn (10:04:11 PM): *GT throws several bone breaking body shots but is met witht he sound of crunching aluminum*

SuperPsaturn (10:04:40 PM): CR: Heh eheh nice try, fool! I've long since outlived the usefulness of abs!

SuperPsaturn (10:05:00 PM): *A bunch of empty soda cans spill out of corporal rocket's stomach*

The Vinny Mac (10:05:18 PM): J.R.: He eats soda while it's still in the can!

SuperPsaturn (10:05:35 PM): *CR RIPS the spike straight out of GT's face turning him into Kakihara$

The Vinny Mac (10:06:13 PM): J.R.: I have no idea how this battle is going to end!

SuperPsaturn (10:06:28 PM): *The ring begins absorbing the dark matter reactors and everybody notices reality beginning to distort around them*

SuperPsaturn (10:06:50 PM): WW: WHOOOOOOOOOAAAAAA!!!!

The Vinny Mac (10:07:03 PM): J.R.: AAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOHW!!!!

SuperPsaturn (10:07:30 PM): Several spots of reality being twisting into themselves forming spirals of matter

SuperPsaturn (10:08:09 PM): *JR and WW see a rift opening right between them at the announcers table!

SuperPsaturn (10:08:17 PM): WW: OH FUCKING....

The Vinny Mac (10:08:30 PM): J.R.: OKLAHOMA BARBEQUE ...

SuperPsaturn (10:09:15 PM): JR and WW begin melting into each other as reality fuckstarts their faces! They begin glowing with a blinding white light for some reason!

The Vinny Mac (10:09:39 PM): J.R.: HIDEBUUUUUUUUUU!!

SuperPsaturn (10:09:53 PM): *Corporal Rocket uses a punch to the face which is fairly unimpressive*

SuperPsaturn (10:10:40 PM): *A giant mouth opens in the center of the ring and attempts to devour both CR and GT!!!i

FISTANARIUS (10:10:52 PM): God

SuperPsaturn (10:11:37 PM): Glorious Titan is pulled in by a flailing tounge and his legs are fucking chewed up!*

The Vinny Mac (10:11:53 PM): *light is shooting out eye sockets and mouth like Raiden in the Mortal Kombat movie*

The Vinny Mac (10:12:14 PM): J.R.: This may be it!

SuperPsaturn (10:12:22 PM): *Corporal Body pulls GT out of the mouth and throws him to the mat Going for the pin!*

SuperPsaturn (10:12:33 PM): 1.....2....

SuperPsaturn (10:12:46 PM): *Corporal body uppercuts himself off of Glorious Titan!!!*

The Vinny Mac (10:12:54 PM): J.R.: KICKOUT! KICKOUT!

(10:12:58 PM) SuperPsaturn has left the room.

(10:13:22 PM) SuperPsaturn has entered the room.

SuperPsaturn (10:13:41 PM): Ryan Rocket: That title is MINE!

The Vinny Mac (10:14:16 PM): J.R.: Rocket and Body are fighting amongst themselves! Unfortunately for them, they're the same person!

SuperPsaturn (10:14:28 PM): *Corporal Rocket struggles grappling with himself and punching himself in the balls and dick with alternating hands*

SuperPsaturn (10:14:57 PM): *Glorious Titan pulls himself to his useless chewed up feet*

SuperPsaturn (10:15:30 PM): *The blinding light dies down and a huge smoldering cloud is left in its place at the commentator's table!*

SuperPsaturn (10:17:05 PM): *a hulking mass of abnormally enlarged and too small limbs adorn a meaty pile of eyeballs and teeth that also has facepaint and a cowboy hat!*

SuperPsaturn (10:17:46 PM): JW: BRAAWWWGGGGAAAAAWWWWWWWWDDDD

SuperPsaturn (10:18:20 PM): *Corporal Rocket stops fighitng himself in shock of this new ultra beast!*

Indian A Jonze (10:18:50 PM): Fuck!

SuperPsaturn (10:18:59 PM): *Meanwhile Glorious Titan has ripped the chewed up parts of his legs off and replaced them both with battle axes that he shoved the hilt into his meatholes.

SuperPsaturn (10:20:00 PM): *The creature lumbers over to the side of the ring and grabs the ropes and then begins vibrating at an insane speed!*

SuperPsaturn (10:21:00 PM): The entire fucking place starts rumbling so hard that the forcefield shorts out!

SuperPsaturn (10:21:56 PM): *The fans explode into cheers but this startles and enrages Jim Warrior*

SuperPsaturn (10:22:47 PM): *The creature leaps over the guardrail and starts rolling over hundreds of fans leaving them bloody skeletons in its wake!*

SuperPsaturn (10:22:54 PM): *It's just like Critters 2!*

SuperPsaturn (10:23:43 PM): JW: WE...ARE....CANON!!!

SuperPsaturn (10:24:29 PM): *Corporal Rocket doesn't notice Glorious Titan has snuck up behind him and turns to see a literal axe kick coming down on him that bisects him into two halves

SuperPsaturn (10:24:38 PM): *Each with one leg and one arm*

SuperPsaturn (10:25:37 PM): *Glorious Titan does a sweep that cuts of Ryan Rocket and Corporal bodies legs making them flop helplessly to the mat!!*

(10:26:21 PM) SuperPsaturn has left the room.

(10:26:47 PM) SuperPsaturn has entered the room.

Indian A Jonze (10:26:49 PM): =-O

SuperPsaturn (10:26:59 PM): GT climbs teh turnbuckle!

SuperPsaturn (10:27:34 PM): He leaps off and as he lands he simultaneously punches Ryan Rocket and Corporal Body square in the faces sandwiching them between fists and mat!

SuperPsaturn (10:28:03 PM): GT collapses with his arms draped over the two completely fucked up assholes*

SuperPsaturn (10:28:10 PM): 1......2......3!!!

JonGreat9 (10:28:38 PM): YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

SuperPsaturn (10:28:42 PM): *The fans cheer and also scream in horror!!*

SuperPsaturn (10:29:19 PM): *several people on ftuw staff repel in from teh rafters and fire tranquilizer machine guns at Jim Warrior!*

SuperPsaturn (10:29:49 PM): *After emptying and reloading several clips the beast finally slows down and goes unconscious*

SuperPsaturn (10:30:08 PM): *Lenny Lightning approaches the ring*

SuperPsaturn (10:30:30 PM): Lenny Lightning: Ladies and Gentleman...your winner...GLORIOUSSSSS....TIIIIIII-TAAAAAAN!

The Vinny Mac (10:31:07 PM): OK, I'll send it to you, Saturn

SuperPsaturn (10:31:10 PM): Lenny Lightning: I'd also like to announce that the final match will be commentated using CGI that seemlessly combines prior footage of JR and WW.
TheVinnyMac (10:32:05 PM): Post it when you're ready
SuperPsaturn (10:32:14 PM): okay
Vinny
[00:10] How can you get an erect dick into your own ass?
Joined: 16 Jan 2007
Posts: 5181
(Mon Oct 08, 2007 8:50 pm)
Reply

Post     Re: FTUW's Roy Jonze Jr. Presents: Super Taboo Tuesday II!

Suddenly, poorly rendered CGI facsimiles of Jim Ross and Warrior Warrior that look like something out of Reboot appear on the Faggotron.

J.R.: WOW, what a MATCH ... I don't think anyone expected THAT turn of events.

W.W.: Fucking queers!

J.R.: Let's move on to the next MATCH between ... THE resurrection of TONY SCHIAVONE.

W.W.: Queering doesn't make the world work, Jim.

Reginald Lightning has his rocket neck brace lower him to the ring as the FTUW staff diligently bring all seven DRAGON BALLS to the mat floor.

Lightning: Once again, here at Super Taboo Tuesday, our great benefactor Roy Jonze Jr. has gathered these MYSTERIOUS EASTERN ORBS so that we may grant one wish. After polling FTUW fans across Richonia with five, boring choices ... the RESULTS ARE IN! Tony Schiavone will be brought back to life!

Suddenly, ORANGE ENERGY starts shooting everywhere and a PORTAL OPENS UP IN THE SKY. Fucking SHENLONG descends from a purple LIGHTNING CLOUD and begins to speak!

"WHAT IS YOUR WISH?" THE DRAGON ASKS.

Lightning: We have decided ... to bring back beloved color commentator Tony Schiavone!

"YOUR WISH ..." the dragon mutters. "CANNOT be GRANTED!"

J.R.: Things are pickin' up!

W.W.: Do you know what I hate most about ... dragons ... Jim? They're a bunch of p/c liberal queers!

Lightning: But ... but ... why?!

"The same wish ... cannot be granted twice."

J.R.: Things are pickin' up!

THEN FUCKING SUDDENLY, a guy carrying a ROCKET LAUNCHER and wearing a RED BANDANA LEAPS over the barrier. Using an uzi tucked under his waist band, HE PERFORATES FTUW SECURITY and SLIDES INTO THE RING. He clotheslines Lightning with his rocket launcher, grabs the mike, and points his weapon at the advancing security.

"ENOUGH!" says the random faggot. "The world has fallen into hellish despair! Why should we waste a precious wish on resurrecting some faggot commentator? We could have the old world back!"

J.R.: BAH GAWD!

W.W.: Warrior is the best.

"I can finally ... finally see my wife again," the rebel begins to cry. "I just gotta make this wish ..."

J.R.: Things are pickin' up!

"DRAGON, I WANT YOU TO RESTORE THE WORLD TO WHAT IT WAS! I want the world to be like it was-"

SUDDENLY, CORPORAL ROCKET BURSTS OUT OF THE RING AND UPPERCUTS THE REBEL.

"LIKE IT WAS FIFTEEN MINUTES AGO!!"

FWOOOOOOOOM! SHIT BEGINS FLYING EVERYWHERE.

"YOUR WISH ..." THE DRAGON SAYS. "IS GRANTED!!"

BOOOOOOM! EVERYTHING FADES TO WHITE. SUDDENLY, CORPORAL ROCKET IS STANDING IN THE RING ONCE AGAIN, FACING OFF WITH GLORIOUS TITAN ONCE AGAIN.

"This time ... I can win ..." mutters Rocket. "THIS TIME, I'LL CLAIM VICTORY."

Then one of Titan's axes flies through his face. Titan rolls him up. 1, 2, 3. Titan wins.

J.R.: And what a match, folks!

W.W.: Yes, totally expected. Nothing out of the ordinary.

J.R.: Now, let's get away from this goddamned ring before something crazy happens.
Big Fagot
Alpha ape
Joined: 09 Jan 2007
Posts: 10544
(Tue Oct 09, 2007 9:00 pm)
Reply

Post     Re: FTUW's Roy Jonze Jr. Presents: Super Taboo Tuesday II!

Following the previous match, FTUW employees with shop vacs dart out and try to clean up whatever small amount of blood they can in the limited time available.

JR: Next up we’ve got a tag team brawl. The caveman Thrak is going to pair up with Miss “Don’t Call Me Lady” herself, Gigi, and duke it out against the wrestler with two bodies, Sparta, and the giant Lunar Plexus!

WW: I can feel the blood of the warrior rising inside me, Jim. This is ten thousand years of combat spirit summarized in one bloody duel of wills. Four men – well, five men – no, actually four – going punch for punch, smashing skulls, oblivious to the carnage in their wake –

JR: Actually, this is to be a specialty match! Mr. von Toity has spared no expense to arrange for this bout to be contracted to a world renowned creative genius!

Reginald Lightning: Whores and goons, the following match has a special condition. To announce that condition, Hirohiko Araki!

An Asian man walks to the ring. He’s dressed in psychotic purple and green colors and is covered with zippers and dog whistles and little metal ASCII symbols and the gayest shit you can imagine.

WW: This guy looks familiar to me.

JR: He’s the author of Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure, a popular Japanese manga!

WW: No, that’s not it.

Araki takes the microphone and walks to the center of the ring. Pointing skyward and screaming into the mic, he announces the condition:

Araki: PENISSU FENCING!

WW: Penis … fencing?

JR: It can’t be what it sounds like.

The Faggotron emerges and plays this video.

JR: Araki must have seen something about this on the Discovery Channel and decided to make a match out of it! What an impressionable boob!

WW: So … the worms are queers?

From the ceiling far above Araki and the ring, a black box is lowered. When it reaches the ring, the sides explode off, revealing an aquatic tank with four joysticks!

JR: Look! There’s four flatworms in there! The joysticks must control them via those metal chips attached to their bodies.

One by one, Thrak, Gigi, Lunar Plexus and Sparta are all called to the ring, and it’s great and blah blah. They are all instructed to take a joystick attached to the tank.

WW: Is this seriously going to happen?

Araki: Double insemination battle! FIGHTU!!

The bell rings and the worms are all released into the central tank! The four of them writhe in a fluttering mass.

JR: I can’t tell what’s happening … wait, one’s been inseminated! It’s Lunar Plexus! Gigi got him!

Lunar Plexus’s worm retreats from the fray as he grumbles with frustration. Gigi grins mischievously, but her face suddenly turns sour.

JR: Gigi’s been inseminated! Her worm was felled by … Thrak?

Thrak leers at Gigi, grinning wide and chuckling through his teeth. Gigi’s worm retreats.

Reginald Lightning: After two inseminations, we have a tie! In such an event, this bout will be decided by …

Araki: WRESSALINGU MATCH!!

JR: That was amazingly pointless.

WW: Come on, warrior blood! It’s safe to come out now!

The bell rings for a second time and the real match begins! Thrak and Lunar Plexus charge each other, leaving the less brazen Sparta and Gigi to move to the apron! Plexus hurls a wild clothesline which misses, leaving Thrak to blast his gut with his right fist! The impact rattles the fillings of the fans in the front row! Thrak follows with a left hook into Plexus’s cheek, throwing his head back!

JR: This is the real thing, folks! It’s a boxing match between FTUW’s top power punchers, and against all odds Thrak has got Lunar Plexus on the ropes!

Plexus staggers back to keep from losing his balance. He suddenly explodes forward with a right straight, but Thrak parries with both hands!

JR: The caveman has no style, only his instincts! It’s like watching a wild beast tearing a man apart!

WW: It would be great if it were like that, but Lunar Plexus is more than a man!

Plexus is headbutted in the face and kicked in the knee! As the monster’s hips drop, Thrak takes advantage and drills the center of his face with a slap that’s more like an open palmed haymaker! Plexus, undeterred, throws a hideously powerful punch that misses and hits the top rope, snapping it! The tensed ropes swing around, lashing fans and slicing them apart! Gigi and Nick Sparta both duck in time to escape certain death.

JR: Our other two participants are doing well to stay alert in this match!

Nick looks at Thrak, then at Gigi, and thinks, “He’s incredibly strong, but I can take him … and she’ll be no problem.” Gigi looks at Lunar Plexus, then at Nick, and thinks the same thing, but with the appropriate gender specific pronouns.

Inside the ring, Thrak stands on Plexus’s thighs and headbutts him in the face over and over again! Plexus wraps him up in a bear hug, but finds himself holding air! Thrak kicks him in the fucking nuts! As Plexus falls forward holding his crotch, Thrak obliterates his jaw with an insane front kick, reversing his momentum and sending him crashing into the turnbuckle behind him!

JR: Lunar Plexus isn’t moving at all! Thrak is sending a message with this dominating show of force that he’s the biggest big man in town!

Thrak approaches the felled Lunar Plexus confidently, mocking him and waving his dick. SUDDENLY A HUGE HAND WRAPS AROUND HIS TORSO!

JR: (The sound from Metal Gear Solid when a guard spots you)

As Thrak pounds away at Lunar Plexus’s knuckles, the giant pulls himself to his feet! Plexus lifts him over his head and THROWS HIM STRAIGHT DOWN THROUGH THE FUCKING MAT!

WW: Jesus Christ!

JR: Slob on my knob like corn on the cob! Can we get an angle on that?

An overhead angle shows that not only the ring, but the ground under it is pierced! Thrak is somewhere in the lower regions of the Thunderdome! Plexus exhales sharply, expelling blood from his nose, and then hops into the hole after him. He gets stuck waist deep, but smashes the mat around him with his fists, allowing himself to fall.

Nick Sparta and Gigi look up at each other. Nick picks up his brother Al, walks into the ring, and hops down into the hole. Gigi makes an Eiffel Tower out of chairs over it, then takes the broken ring rope and uses that to lower herself down.

Lunar Plexus hops down through hole after hole, floor after floor, until he finds the crater where the holes stop. Finding it empty except for the tinge of blood, he looks around. The area, barely lit above total darkness, is designed only with utility in mind; in essence, it’s a giant floating warehouse. Suddenly, all the lights go on.

It IS a giant warehouse!

WW: Looks like they’ve found the Thunderdome’s Slaughtertorium!

Surrounding him are racks of weapons. Some are weapons by design, like the rack of swords to his left; some are weapons only by ad hoc potentiality, like the rack of hand-driven grinders to his right. Plexus snorts at the weapons and begins searching.

Gigi squints and blinks at the sudden bright lights, and finds herself in almost identical surroundings. She climbs to the top of one of the racks and surveys the area. Off in the distance, almost too subtle to be seen, she spies movement! Deftly, she maneuvers toward that location, stealthily avoiding being seen. Along the way, hopping from rack to rack, she comes across a cache of steel chairs! She takes one and ambushes the sneaking figure from above. Gigi jumps down and cracks the chair over the figure’s head!

But the figure collapses into a heap of maces loosely clothed in rags! She turns around and sees Al Sparta waving his hands at her, animating the pile of clubs! Sensing an ambush, she spins to run, but Lunar Plexus rounds the corner and blocks her way!

JR: Gigi is hemmed in on both sides! I hate to say it, but those two are gonna turn her into a jumbo serving of JR’s Oklahoma Barbecue Sauce!

Gigi looks to both sides frantically, then puts two fingers into her mouth. She whistles sharply, then ducks and covers. Al and Plexus stare at each other, then both realize the same thing. Alessandro Sparta turns around just in time to see Thrak standing there holding a massive ass harpoon! His muscles are nearly tearing through his skin as he prepares to hurl it!

Like a catapult, Thrak does what he does best and chucks a spear faster than the speed of sound! Al falls back, barely deflecting it gravitationally! However, Lunar Plexus doesn’t have time to move and gets skewered right through the stomach! The harpoon pins him to the wall!

WW: Did you see that shit!

JR: Plexus just got a damn body piercing! That looks like a fatal damn wound!

Lunar Plexus gasps and looks on, one hand outstretched, with a countenance of mortal terror as his grip on life weakens. Then he smirks tenses his abdominal muscles, locking the spear in place inside his body. He steps forward, pulling on the harpoon’s barbed head against the steel wall behind him! In an instant, the metal shreds and the harpoon is freed, along with a torrent of water!

WW: God will prove you wrong every time you say that Lunar Plexus has been killed.

JR: Someone better plug that hole! Good thing we’ve got the FTUW dive team!

Plexus turns around, facing away from the other competitors, but pointing the harpoon still lodged in his body straight at them! He takes a steel mallet off a nearby rack of weapons and slams it against the butt of the harpoon! It launches out of his back even faster than Thrak threw it! This time it’s Gigi’s turn to duck, and Thrak barely gets out of the way by jumping and clinging to a nearby rack like a chimp! The harpoon sails by, destroying some faraway object.

Plexus, undaunted by his new topologically significant navel, leaps over all other competitors straight at Thrak! Thrak catches the giant and monkeyflips him off to some distant corner, immediately chasing after! Gigi grabs a chair and turns to fight Sparta, but he’s nowhere to be found.

The FTUW dive team gathers around their leader as he explains the mission. “The breach is on the south side,” he says, scanning his team with his eyes. “Everyone check your equipment because we move ASAP. Jordan and Michel are on the clamps. Madropoulos is on the torch, Sanford has the solder. Pascow’s on the harpoon … where’s Pascow?”

“The tank,” demands Lunar Plexus. The missing member of the dive team reaches behind his shoulders with trembling hands and unstraps his pressurized dive cylinder, then hands it over. Plexus takes the yellow tank in one hand, and without hesitating, forces it into the hole in his stomach, fitting it snugly. The diver is about to scream in terror at the nightmare before him when suddenly Lunar Plexus’s hand is clapped over his entire face to quiet him. The sounds of metal floor panels flexing under the weight of a huge ape-man can be heard approaching.

Plexus walks out to greet Thrak! Before the caveman can move, Plexus shows his back to him and raises his metal mallet. He slams it into the tank that impales him, firing it out his back! The tank hits Thrak in the chest and fucking explodes as hundreds of gallons of high pressure air rush out! Thrak is launched backward by the explosion and smashes against a rack of weapons, knocking it over!

“Haw haw!” proclaims Plexus. “That was great!” He strides over to where Thrak landed. The bushman’s chest hair is frosted with ice, and his flesh is shredded and abraded from the explosion. The bars of the upturned steel rack are dented from the mass of his body. He does not move.

JR: Thrak is out cold! Plexus is a three count away from winning this singlehandedly!

Lunar Plexus raises the mallet above his head. “A kill counts the same as a pin … right?”

JR: PLEXUS YOU SICK SON OF A BITCH! THAT MAN’S DEFENSELESS! SHOW SOME DAMN HUMANITY!

WW: Hang on, JR, I want to see where he’s going with this.

Plexus’s arm muscles swell and tighten in a wave starting at his wrist and running down his arm! Veins bulge out! Suddenly, before he can murder Thrak, he finds himself with a steel chair folded around his arm and head such that he can’t move his arm! “What’s the matter,” says Gigi, “Where’s your spirit of chairity?” She lifts another chair above her head and swings it at Plexus – but it comes back and hits her in the face, knocking her over! Nick Sparta appears with an outstretched arm!

“That’s a new one,” proclaims Gigi, shaking her head and getting up. “But you have a lot to learn about chair shots!” She swings the chair at Nick! “Peh, too easy!” declares Nick, smashing the chair with a force field and reversing its momentum back at Gigi!

It hits Lunar Plexus in the head, comically deforming in the shape of his face!

WW: She dicked!

JR: You mean she ducked!

WW: Why, what did I say?

Nick looks surprised, then grits his teeth in frustration! Gigi peels the chair off Plexus’s face and starts to hit him again! Nick reverses its momentum, realizing too late what he’s doing! Gigi ducks again, and the chair flies back and this time hits Nick in the throat! Nick crumples clutching his Adam’s apple!

Gigi grabs a knife off a nearby rack and jumps onto Nick, trying to plunge it into his heart! Nick is injured and can barely keep from getting killed! “This is bad,” he thinks, “I could beat her if I could let Al take over, but if I go limp we’ll both die!” As they struggle, Lunar Plexus tears the steel chair around his neck and shoulder to shreds! He approaches Gigi from behind and prepares to swing his mallet at her!

Then he does swing it at her, and smashes her entire head and upper body into unrecognizable goo! Her corpse smashes violently against one of the nearby weapon racks, never to move again!

JR: BAH GAWD! GIGI IS DEAD!

WW: That can happen when you don’t promo!

However, in a puff of smoke, it turns out that all he smashed was a wooden rocking chair, pulverizing the top part into splinters! The real Gigi sneers down at him from the catwalk above! Lunar Plexus growls at her. “Hey, what are you worrying about me for?” she asks casually, pointing to the spot behind him where Thrak fell unconscious.

It’s empty!

THRAK COMES SMASHING THROUGH ONE OF THE RACKS AND DROPKICKS PLEXUS INSANELY FUCKING HARD! PLEXUS IS ROCKETED BACK THROUGH TEN RACKS, KNOCKING THEM OVER LIKE DOMINOES! THRAK WASTES NO TIME AND PUTS HIM IN A SLEEPER HOLD! LUNAR PLEXUS JUST STANDS UP, GRABS HOLD OF THRAK TIGHTLY, AND JUMPS STRAIGHT UP AT FUCKING 200 MILES PER HOUR! HE SMASHES THROUGH THE CEILING, THROUGH SOME RANDOM SPOT IN THE ARENA KILLING MANY FANS, AND THROUGH THE ROOF OF THE THUNDERDOME, WITH THRAK TAKING THE BRUNT OF IT ALL! THRAK IS FORCED TO RELEASE THE HOLD!

As Plexus and Thrak square off on the roof of the Thunderdome, Gigi chases after Nick back in the Slaughtertorium! She pulls a chair out of nowhere and throws it at his head with a knockout blow, but he collapses and it passes over him!

Suddenly, Gigi is weightless! Al Sparta comes around a corner, palm outstretched! He has her floating in air! She scratches the ground with the tips of her toes, helpless! “I went after you right away,” he says. “I knew I’d have no problem if I could just get you alone.” He reaches into his pants pocket and pulls out a hand grenade! Al pulls the pin, pops the handle, and tosses it on the floor right in front of Gigi. He then turns and walks away, heedless of the explosion behind him.

Thrak and Lunar Plexus both stand hunched, bleeding everywhere and breathing like animals. Plexus swings his mallet but Thrak dodges and kicks him in the side of the knee! With Plexus down on his level, Thrak goes to punch his opponent in the face! At the same time, Plexus swings his hammer again! Both hits collide, sending both wrestlers sailing off the edge of the Thunderdome into the water!

Thrak dogpaddles like a child toward the arena. However, a dark shape comes up underneath him! A red tentacle winds itself around his waist before he can react! He finds himself being dragged down toward the mouth of a giant squid! As the squid tries to put him in its beak, he plants one foot on each side, then punches the squid in the fucking mouth! The cephalopod releases him and swims away, but it’s not going to be that easy! Thrak grabs it and mounts it like a horse, then points straight ahead! He’s tamed it!

Lunar Plexus starts to swim back toward the Thunderdome, despite that he is far denser than water. However, Thrak and his squid catch him! Plexus begins grappling with the squid, but too many tentacles wrap up his giant body, and his flexibility isn’t as good as Thrak’s! The squid’s beak wraps around his feet, then his hips, then his shoulders, and finally his head! Lunar Plexus has been eaten by a squid!

JR: Lunar Plexus is now dead!

An interior shot of the squid shows Plexus in perfect health, looking around and thinking “what now?”

JR: I see.

Then, Thrak can barely get out of the way before a shark eats the squid that ate Lunar Plexus!

JR: Ladies and gentlemen, Lunar Plexus is dead.

The shark doesn’t get far before it feels something happening inside it. Its muscles start jerking on their own. The brain no longer controls the body. A shot of the shark’s eye reveals a squid’s eye looking out from underneath; a shot of the squid’s eye reveals Lunar Plexus looking out from beneath! Lunar Plexus grabs something inside the squid and pulls on it, controlling it like a machine and causing one of its tentacles to pull on something inside the shark, causing it to go forward!

JR: Jesus.

Al Sparta, down in the Slaughtertorium, faces down a soaking wet Thrak. “Don’t bother,” he says. “Don’t you know? The match is over! I killed your teammate!” Thrak, of course, barely has the intellectual capacity for the concept of “teammate”, let alone “match” or “don’t kill”. He rushes Al!

“That’s fine too!” screams Al, spinning in place! “I’ll send you to Hell to meet her!” An immense gravitational field pours out of his body, and as he spins it drags around him! “Frame drag!” Thrak is spun around, smashing against pillars of metal and feeling his organs shifting inside his body! At last, Al lets the caveman fall and roll to a stop. Thrak gets up timorously, not knocked out but terrified of his opponent’s witchcraft! “Like I said,” warns Al, “This match is already over.”

“Is that so?” Al Sparta spins around to see Gigi standing in front of him!

“But … the explosion –!”

“I blocked it with a chair shot,” she says.

WW: That makes a lot of sense.

“But! –” protests Al, but Gigi tosses something dark and metallic at him. He deflects it but it lands against one of the metal racks and sticks. “Magnets,” she proclaims disinterestedly, and pulls a second magnet out of the heel of her boot. “Always be prepared,” she says, and throws it onto the floor near Thrak, who pokes at it suspiciously.

“Oh,” she says, “And one more thing.” She tosses a live grenade into his hands! Al Sparta frantically tosses it away! His eyes close and his body begins to collapse! Nick, still on the floor, holds one palm toward his brother! The grenade explodes and slams against Nick’s force field, which slams into Al! They both go flying!

Thrak walks up to the unconscious brothers. “Beat it,” sneers Gigi. “This is my pin.”

“Jeez,” says a member of the dive team while patching the hole. “That caveman was in a hurry to get back inside! Then, he and the rest of his team are eaten by a huge shark. However, something catches Plexus’s eye inside the hole in the hull the divers were trying to fix. His teammates and opponents are in there!

“Alright,” he thinks, “let’s do this!” Plexus pilots the shark full speed nose first into the tiny hole in the steel! The shark’s soft flesh is shredded to pieces against the sharp metal, as is the squid’s, but they open the hole enough for Plexus to pour through along with thousands of gallons of bloody seawater! He flies into the Slaughtertorium and sails over the combatants, smashing into a nearby closet! The stray diver and Araki are in there making out!

WW: Right, now I remember, THAT’S why I wanted him murdered.

Plexus strides toward Gigi and Thrak! Thrak moves first, jumping at Plexus! Plexus smashes him with a fist! Gigi swings a chair, but Plexus stops it with his foot, then presses down, crushing her beneath it! Before he can kill her, Thrak hits him from behind! Plexus turns around to face him!

Then he feels something inside him! Gigi has placed a hand grenade in the hole in his stomach! She presses a chair against his back, covering the hole! Thrak presses his huge palms against his stomach, doing the same! Lunar Plexus raises his hands to smash them both, but the grenade fucking explodes! As smoke seeps from his nose and mouth, Lunar Plexus collapses like a ton of bricks!

“You bitch!” screams Nick Sparta, covered in blood! Gigi takes off her earrings, which for some reason are shaped like little daggers, and throws them at him! “USELESS!” he declares, deflecting them both! “THIS IS IT! I’M GOING TO KILL BOTH OF YOU!”

“You should worry more about that,” says Gigi, pointing behind him. Nick turns around and sees his brother Al with two tiny daggers in the sides of his neck, blood oozing from the wounds! He quickly claps his hands against his neck! Suddenly, blood explodes from both sides, spraying between his fingers! He collapses on his face! Gigi turns around to see Thrak already pinning Plexus!

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!







In some dark corner somewhere, the diver fucks Araki in the ass.
Spamdini
Joined: 22 Jan 2007
Posts: 1322
(Tue Oct 09, 2007 9:06 pm)
Reply

Post     Re: FTUW's Roy Jonze Jr. Presents: Super Taboo Tuesday II!

Lightning: This match is a Super Mario themed match!

The crowd is confused.

Lightning: It involves turtles or something. Your special referee for this match is…Mario in Punch Out ref uniform!

Bob Hoskins, who played Mario in the feature film, comes out to the ring in a ref’s shirt. His gut is hanging out of his spaghetti sauced-stained shirt and wobbles into the ring. After doing so, the area around the ring becomes a giant kiddy pool with turtles floating around in it. Not vicious snapping turtles or radioactive mutant turtles. Just turtles. Some of them have holes drilled in their shells so that that blood dripping down gives them the illusion of being red.

JR: This should be a slobberknocker and a half, Warrior! For the first part of the match, the competitors will have to kill this turtles by stomping them. Inside the shells of one of the turtles is a handgun! Whoever finds it can use it!

Warrior: Gunz is for chumps! Also, using handguns is lame too.

A blazingly long guitar solo plays, and Axelrod plays three guitars at once by fingering with two hands and a foot and strumming with his tongue. After thirteen minutes of soloing and a five-minute drum solo by Warrior, he stands at a mark on one side of the pool.

Harry Underwood comes out next, starting off in human form. The bear in him makes him lick his chops upon seeing so many delicious looking turtles, causing him to transform into BEAAAAAAAAAAAR MOOOOOOOOOOOOODE!!!

The bell rings and both men dive…into 6 inches of water. After they both regain consciousness, they begin crushing as many turtles as possible under their feet. Bits of shell, bone and organs fly out from under Underwood’s massive boots as he slaughters turtle after turtle. The poor defenseless reptiles try to scurry away as fast as possible, but that’s not very fast for turtles.

As for Axelrod, his spindly little body isn’t heavy enough to kill the turtles. They merely retreat into their shells after being stomped. Seeing a potential opportunity, Axelrod picks up two shells and whips them at Underwood. The first one causes him to pop up in the air and go “WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA!” The second, he just catches and crushes into a splatter of gore.

The gun was inside that second shell! Axelrod panics and puts his arms up instinctively. Underwood pulls the trigger and…the whole gun shatters in his bear-like grip.

JR: BAH GAWD! Underwood is too strong to use the gun!

Warrior: Of course! Guns are for the weak! That’s why they need to be legal so the weak can defend against giant black terrors that walk our streets!

Both men roll into the ring and the second part of the match begins.

JR: What would be happening next?! I’m told that this is the Goomba round.

The bell rings again and the ceiling opens up, releasing an army of brown mutant mushrooms!

JR: OH MY GAWD! How will they fight these beasts?!

The two-foot mushroom mutants writhe in agony on the mat.

Goombas: Killlll uuuuussss…

Most of the choke on their own deformed tongues. Others continue to scream out cries for death until the wrestlers have the mercy to stomp on them.

Warrior: Thrilling!

JR: Next is Yoshi jousting.

Two velociraptors come out of the ground, imported from the past through technology that is too boring to explain! Axelrod jumps on his and charges straight at Harry Underwood. However, Underwood transforms into bear-mode and grabs his raptor by the tail, swinging it around like a weapon! He smashes Axelrod’s “Yoshi” in the skull, killing it and sending Axelrod flying through the air!

JR: He’s flying out of the ring! He’s gonna crash and burn!

But no! As he was passing by, Axelrod grabbed onto one of Underwood’s veins with his guitar pick fingers! It snaps back like a bungee and he flies at Underwood, headbutting him into the wound he just created! Blood sprays out from Harry’s shoulder and he clutches on, trying to !!!BEAR!!! the pain!

THEN BOWSER COMES OUT OF NOWHERE AND STARTS BREATHING FIRE EVERYWHERE! HE’S A GIANT TURTLE WEARING A CHOKER AND SPIKED BRACELETS AND MAYBE AN INVANDER ZIM T-SHIRT AND HE’S BREATHING FIRE!

JR: BAH GAWD! HOW CAN HE BE STOPPED!

Harry grabs Bowser by the tail and throws him into the sun.

Underwood: So long gay Bowser!

JR: THAT WAS UNBELIEVEABLE!

But he forgot all about Axelrod who now has a cape that can make him fly! He spins around rapidly, striking Underwood over and over with his cape! This deals massive damage and opens up wounds all over his body!

Warrior: That’s one hell of a cape!

But Underwood, in all his bearly wisdom, forces blood to spray out of one of his wounds and into Axelrod’s eyes! He uses the distraction and winds up with the entire weight of his massive bearish body. Sending a 150 mph punch with 2.2 tons of weight behind it, Axelrod receives a terrifying blow right to the face, causing the cape to poof away!

JR: BAH GAWD! If he didn’t have the cape on, Axelrod would be dead after that devastating blow!

Axelrod is flung into the corner, but manages to recover in time to avoid a bear claw that tears the turnbuckle apart! Suddenly, three boxes drop into the ring. One has a picture of a mushroom on the front, the second has a flower and the third has a starman.

JR: Power-ups? As if they needed the ability to be more violent!

Warrior: I’m telling you what I told a federal court, JR: power-ups are only for aesthetic purposes! The true heart of a man’s soul is in his desire to be fulfilling the rage that burns in his soul with the anger and burning of a hundred spirits of the dead screaming like a tantrum into the wind on a cool winter’s night howling at the moon like a savage beast torn from the depths of helllllllllllllllllll!

With only a split second to decide, both Harry Underwood and Axelrod dash towards the boxes! Axelrod picks the flower box and Underwood picks the starman box.

JR: Bad choice for Axelrod! The Starman makes you invincible!

Axelrod quickly flips the box open and pulls out a rubber flower with a rubber hose in place of the pistil. By twisting the leaf, a spray of flame launches forth, incinerating a row of fans who happened to be in the way and reducing them to ash. Underwood jumps in the air with his box and opens it up before Axelrod has a chance to aim upwards!

Axelrod: Shit

“There’s a Staaaaaaaaaaaaaaarman, waiting in the sky! He’d like to come and meet us, but he thinks he’d blow our minds.”

JR: OH NO! THERE’S NOTHING BUT A DAVID BOWIE SONG IN THAT BOX!

Axelrod turns the fire flower upwards and torches an airborne Underwood who is unable to dodge! His thick, manly fur withstands the blast at first, but he is soon overcome with fire and writhes in pain as soon as he hits the mat!

Underwood: DOGYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!

JR: UNDERWOOD IS ON FIRE! HE IS BURNING LIKE AN OKLAHOMA BONFIRE!

Underwood: STOP DROP AND FUCKING ROLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!

Underwood rolls all over the mat, causing it to burst into flames with podoboos jumping out of it! A bridge is built by Chinese coolies over the flaming mat and Axelrod and an extinguished Underwood jump on top of it! Behind Underwood is an axe that will chop down the entire bridge, sending the victim plummeting below! Axelrod knows he only has one chance to survive against this monster!

Axelrod: Good thing I saved this box!

Axelrod opens the box with the mushroom on it. Inside is a large mushroom, which he then consumes.

JR: THAT MUSHROOM IS LACED WITH PCP!

Harry Underwood begins spewing bear flames made of bears, but Axelrod runs right through it with no effect on him! He punches Underwood over and over with his frail arms, and they initially have no effect, but he just won’t stop!

Axelrod: ROCK ‘N ROLL ALL NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITE!

Punch punch punch punch punch punch! Underwood starts to be lifted into the air by these blows! Axelrod’s fists break but he doesn’t care! He keeps punching! One hundred! Two hundred! Three hundred punches!!! Harry’s eyes begin to bleed from all the punishment! He passes out! Harry Underwood is passed out! Axelrod jumps on the axe and Harry Underwood falls into the sea of fire below!

JR: BAH GAWD! WHERE’S THE REF?!

Warrior: He didn’t escape before the fire consumed the ring.

JR: BAH GAWD, HARRY UNDERWOOD AND BOB HOSKINS ARE DEAD!

A second ref quickly slides into the ring to replace the previous one, but he too is burnt to death. A third ref stands outside the ring and calls for the bell.

Lightning: Here is your winner, Axelrod Waylynnnnnnnnnnnn!

Axlerod stands atop the axe and bows to the crowd. He jumps outside the ring and tries to give high fives to his fans before realizing that his hands are completely shattered.

Warrior: Ha ha, I know how THAT feels. That’ll sting in the morning!

Water is poured all over the ring and the fire is doused. Punch Out Mario’s skeleton lies there mouth agape with burnt pasta visible through its rib cage. But then a body stirs!

Harry Underwood: Damn! So close!

Underwood stands up, apparently mostly unharmed from having fallen into a sea of fire.

Agent Mike: Harry, we need to get you to a burn ward!

Underwood: No, I’m good. Maybe a bit of calamine lotion and I’ll be good to go.

Agent Mike: By the way, we got a message from Bear Planet. They’re having a war against the walrus people.

Underwood: Then I must go now.

Super Agent Harry Underwood flies into outer space and everyone cries as they wave goodbye.

Small girl: We love you, Harry.
Vinny
[00:10] How can you get an erect dick into your own ass?
Joined: 16 Jan 2007
Posts: 5181
(Tue Oct 09, 2007 9:14 pm)
Reply

Post     Re: FTUW's Roy Jonze Jr. Presents: Super Taboo Tuesday II!

J.R.: A by-the-numbers wrestling match if I ever saw one. Next up we have the climactic battle in a long running feud. Kanzaki Kenjiro vs. Jake Callaghan!

The Faggotron lights up to show Kanzaki Kenjiro, bound in chained, in front of a Richonian court.

J.R.: Callaghan and Kenjiro’s numerous clashes led them here, not to the ring of honor but a court of justice. Kenjiro, tried for terrorism, was looking to be put away forever by acting prosecutor attorney. However, the Black Judge, Kenjiro’s defense attorney, revealed the conspiracy to frame Kenjiro and saved his life!

The Faggotron shows police chief GANTZ’ head exploding.

J.R.: But something unexpected arose during that trial. Evidence that seemed to incriminate Kenjiro not of this crime, but of the murder of Callaghan’s very own wife!

A shot of Callaghan with his eyes shadowed over as he clenches his paw in anger.

J.R.: Now this is no longer about bringing a man to justice! Callaghan has a chance to kill his wife’s supposed killer in a most heinous of matches. A Japanese Dog Collar match!

A spotlight hits the ring showing that KATANAS have been welded to all the turnbuckles. Standing in the middle of the ring is both Callaghan and Kenjiro, staring intensely one another, chained together by the collars on their necks.

J.R.: The rules are simple! These two will brutalize each other in this very ring, using every technique they can think of, no matter HOW DIRTY, in order to bring SUFFERING to their opponent. And when that suffering is just too much to bear, the loser will initiate the ANCIENT JAPANESE ART of HARA KIRI … DISEMBOWELING THEMSELVES IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RING!

W.W.: WAIT WAIT WHOA HOLD THE FUCKING TRAIN HERE, JIM.

J.R.: WARRIOR! You told me you were going to “push out man-sized shit during this pussy fag fight for fags.”

W.W.: I know, and I haven’t even broke THIS MIGHTY LOG OFF.

J.R.: Oh God.

W.W.: BUT THERE’S MORE IMPORTANT THINGS HERE. Did you say that either KENJIRO or CALLAGHAN had to be DISEMBOWELED, here, IN THE MIDDLE OF THAT FUCKING RING before the MATCH COULD END?

J.R.: Uh, yes. That’s the rules.

W.W.: So … ONE OF THEM … ONE OF THOSE FUCKERS HAS GOT TO DIE, IS THAT RIGHT?

J.R.: Basically, yes. Your opponent has to kill themselves before you can be declared the winner!

W.W.: WELL MOVE THE FUCK OVER, JIM, WE GOT A MATCH TO WATCH!

Kanzaki Kenjiro and Detective Jake Callaghan continue glaring the shit out of each other in the middle of the ring as FTUW staff makes sure their collars are locked on tight. Kenjiro removes one hand from his pocket, reaches into his coat and pulls out a cigarette.

“It was you … wasn’t it?” Callaghan seems to be trembling.

Kanzaki Kenjiro lights his cigarette.

“T-the pompadour comb … the eyewitness reports … it’s all making sense now …” Callaghan says. “You were the killer …”

Kenjiro takes a long drag off his cigarette, blowing the smoke out into the arena air.

“You’re the one who killed my wife …”

“I’ve done a lot of things in this forsaken land,” Kenjiro mutters. “Many things I’m not proud of. I used to be weak …”

Jake Callaghan digs his claws into the mat as moves down to all fours.

“But … I never killed any woman …” Kenjiro replies.

“LIAAAAAAAR!!” CALLAGHAN SHOUTS as the BELL SOUNDS. LIKE A ROCKET, HE FLIES FROM HIS CORNER and HEADBUTTS KENJIRO RIGHT INTO THE STERNUM. Kenjiro REELS FROM THE DOG-LIKE TORPEDO.

J.R.: HERE WE GO!

“F-Fast …” KENJIRO mutters as the cigarette falls from his lip in slow-motion. In a flash, CALLAGHAN appears behind Kenjiro and hits him in the SPINE by forming a DOGGY CANNONBALL. Kenjiro tumbles over the top of the ropes and is immediately STRANGLED as the CHAIN goes TAUT.

J.R.: Callaghan’s judgement … DEATH BY HANGING!

As CALLAGHAN pulls on his CHAIN, KENJIRO’S FEET are inches from the ground. As the veins on the WHITE-CLAD WARRIOR’S HEAD throb and his eyes bulge, he suddenly KICKS off HIS SHOES. Creating vacuums under the soles of his feet, AIR PRESSURE explodes and sends him BACKFLIPPING into the ring.

J.R.: Kenjiro is utilizing that mysterious power only seconds into the match!

KENJIRO hits the mat, PULLS the CHAIN causing Callaghan to be jerked back, and DELIVERS a SPINNING HEEL KICK to the back of his CANINE CRANIUM!

W.W.: Have I already made a joke about Kenjiro eating Callaghan?

J.R.: Yes, you have.

W.W.: FUCK.

“Tch,” Kenjiro says, picking his cigarette off the mat. “What a pain, already accused of another crime …”

“You bastard,” Callaghan says, pulling himself off the mat. “You fucking killed her.”

“Because of the situation we’re in, I guess it’s no use explaining myself to a man I have to kill.”

JAKE CALLAGHAN dashes forward before LEAPING ONTO KENJIRO and UNLEASHING a FLURRY of MARTIAL ARTS-LIKE PAW ATTACKS. Kenjiro braces, the sleeves on his clothes EXPLODING from the intense barrage, as CALLAGHAN FLIES into BITE HIS FACE OFF. However, KENJIRO nails a SPIKING ELBOW on the top of his nose and DRIVES HIM into the MAT!

J.R.: Kenjiro seems to have the advantage in this one. Thoughts, Warrior?

W.W.: Well, Callaghan is a fucking dog. Not even a big dog, like my dog, which is actually a bull that I put a dog collar on.

J.R.: But still, Callaghan’s no slouch, but he seems to be struggling against Kenjiro. Perhaps he let his temper get the best of him!

Somersaulting backwards, Callaghan immediately begins pulling on the chain, trying to get Kenjiro to move forward. Kenjiro resists however, and the two engage in a game of TUG AND WAR. Despite his best efforts, Callaghan finds himself being dragged slowly forward!

“H-How is this guy … beating my RAW DOG STRENGTH?” CALLAGHAN says as he struggles. Looking forward, he notices Kenjiro’s eyes shadowed over. Not only that, his hands aren’t even pulling the chain!

“So you’ve noticed it, huh?” Kenjiro mutters as Callaghan is dragged ever closer to him. “The vacuums …”

J.R.: What’s he talking about?!

Kenjiro opens his palms to show he’s not even TOUCHING the CHAIN. Yet the chain continues to be PULLED TOWARDS HIM, dragging Jake Callaghan along with him!

“I’ve set up vacuums along my hands and bare arms, pulling each link one by one without wasting an iota of my own energy …” Kenjiro says as Callaghan is dragged closer and closer. “In fact, there’s vacuums all around me … and they’re dragging you, Jake Callaghan, straight into hell!”

KENJIRO MOVES ASIDE, REVEALING he was standing in front of one of the KATANA-COVERED RING POSTS.

“Once a single muscle of yours gives, your life will be over … Jake Callaghan,” Kenjiro utters coldly.

Callaghan continues panting wildly as he desperately tries to keep from FLYING into those KATANAS.

“D-Damnit, he’s right …” Callaghan thinks. “If I don’t come up with something soon … I’ll … I’ll …”

FWOOOOM! CALLAGHAN LEAVES THE MAT and IS LAUNCHED LIKE A ROCKET TOWARDS THE KATANAS. Kenjiro pulls down the bill of his cap as CALLAGHAN is HELPLESSLY HURLED TOWARDS HIS DOOM.

“OBJECTION!!”

DONG! DONG! DONG! EVERYONE LOOKS STUNNED as CALLAGHAN BITES ONTO THE CHAIN, CAUSING SPARKS TO FLY as HE’S DRAGGED CLOSER TO THE TURNBUCKLE. THE CHAIN GOES TAUT AND CALLAGHAN IS ONLY CENTIMETERS FROM THE BLADES. Now that the CHAIN IS TIGHT AGAIN, KENJIRO HIMSELF IS BEING PULLED BY HIS OWN VACUUMS!

“D-Damnit!” Kenjiro says, struggling.

“Geh heh heh …” Callaghan chuckles. “I’d shut those vacuums off unless you want to be dragged into the blades along with me!”

Begrudingly, Kenjiro shuts off the VACUUMS with a QUICK HAND GESTURE and CALLAGHAN drops to the ground. Once the chain goes slack, the two CHARGE FORWARD AGAIN.

But this time, CALLAGHAN SPRINTS BETWEEN KENJIRO’S LEGS, causing the CHAIN to WHIP KENJIRO UPSIDE DOWN!

J.R.: Callaghan has Kenjiro off his feet!

Using his DOG STRENGTH, he whips the chain and, by extension, KENJIRO into the air. SPINNING RETARDEDLY, CALLAGHAN FLIES UP and SPIKES KENJIRO LIKE A VOLLEYBALL and SENDS HIM INTO THE CROWD! BOOOOM!

As the SMOKE CLEARS, KENJIRO is revealed to have CUSHIONED his BLOW with an EXTREMELY OBESE PERSON.

W.W.: If it wasn’t for that FAT FUCK, Kenjiro would’ve snapped his neck!

The fat guy, now dead, is surrounded by popcorn, shanks of meat, and other fatty treats. Adjusting his cap, Kenjiro SPRINGBOARDS off the TUBBY and SPINS TOWARDS the RING with CALLAGHAN WAITING. However, Callaghan doesn’t realize KENJIRO is dragging a VACUUM BUBBLE full of FOOD with him!

“SURPRISE, SHITHEAD!” KENJIRO SHOUTS, HURLING THE FOOD DIRECTLY at CALLAGHAN. However, this DISTRACTION TECHNIQUE FAILS as CALLAGHAN begins SNAGGING the FOOD OUT OF AIR. SAUSAGE AFTER SAUSAGE, KERNEL OF POPCORN, AND SLAB OF BEEF IS DEVOURED IN SHORT ORDER.

Callaghan descends from the air and STRIKES A DRAMATIC POSE in front of KENJIRO. But Kenjiro is just standing there, unaffected. THEN SUDDENLY CALLAGHAN COLLAPSES ONTO THE GROUND.

J.R.: W-WHAT’S HAPPENING?!

W.W.: DON’T TELL ME THE DOG HAS A FUCKING TUMMY ACHE.

As Callaghan convulses on the mat, Kenjiro steps forward, one hand searching through his pocket. Slowly KENJIRO pulls out an object … A WRAPPER. A TOITY CHOCOLATE BAR WRAPPER!

J.R.: CHU-OCK-OOH-LAAAT?!

“Not feeling too well, huh, boy?” Kenjiro says, SHADOWS OVER HIS EYES. “You should be realizing now that I sealed some of this chocolate into a few of those sausages.”

Kenjiro grabs Callaghan by the collar and brings dragged him to one of the turnbuckles.

“A Toity Chocolate Bar is only the most richest of all chocolate,” Kenjiro mutters. “A canine like you must be in excruciating pain …”

KENJIRO LIFTS HIM UP and PLACES him in front of one of the many pointed blades on the turnbuckle. As Callaghan continues to shake, attempting to cough up the vile poison, Kenjiro stands over him, cold and merciless.

“End your life, Jake Callaghan,” Kenjiro utters. “You’ve suffered enough.”

WITH DOGGY TEARS RUNNING DOWN CALLAGHAN’S EYES, HE BEGINS PRESSING THE BLADE AGAINST HIS BLOATED STOMACH. THE TIP PIERCES THE FLESH, DRAWING A SCANT AMOUNT OF BLOOD.

“You have fought well …” Kenjiro utters. THEN CALLAGHAN SPINS AROUND AND VOMITS OUT A CONDOM FULL OF MEAT AND CHOCOLATE RIGHT INTO KANZAKI KENJIRO’S MOTHERFUCKING FACE!

W.W.: WHAT THE TWISTED FAG FUCK FOETUS WAS THAT?!

J.R.: HE SPIT UP A CONDOM?!

“LIKE MY NOSE WOULDN’T DETECT THAT SMELL, KENJIRO!” CALLAGHAN SHOUTS. “I STAKE MY PRIDE AS A DETECTIVE ON THIS NOSE!”

WITH KENJIRO REELING FROM THE SURPRISE ATTACK, JAKE DASHES FORWARD AND USES HIS NOSE TO LAUNCH KENJIRO HIGH INTO THE AIR!

J.R.: RAISE THE WOOF!!

“S-Shit …” Kenjiro utters as he SPINS OUT OF CONTROL. LIKE A BULLET, CALLAGHAN DASHES PAST THE RING POST AND OUTSIDE THE RING. THE CHAIN GOES TIGHT, AND KENJIRO IS SUDDENLY FLUNG TOWARDS A KATANA-COVERED RINGPOST. FURIOUSLY, CALLAGHAN RUNS FARTHER AND FARTHER AWAY, TRYING TO LEAD KENJIRO TO HIS DEATH.

J.R.: THIS … COULD BE!

W.W.: YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH.

BUT KENJIRO GRABS ONTO THE RING ROPES, BRIEFLY STOPPING HIM!

W.W.: NO!!

CALLAGHAN CONTINUES PULLING KENJIRO as KENJIRO’S HANDS BEGIN TO BLEED FROM HOLDING ONTO THE ROPE SO TIGHTLY. SUDDENLY, HE LIFTS UP HIS FEET AND ATTACHES THEM TO THE BOTTOM ROPES, KEEPING HIMSELF IN PLACE WITH VACUUMS.

J.R.: IT LOOKS LIKE KENJIRO OUTSMARTED CALLAGHAN AGAIN. TRY AS HE MIGHT, CALLAGHAN WON’T BE ABLE TO-WAIT A DAMN MINUTE!

CALLAGHAN BEGINS DIGGING UP FUCKING CONCRETE, DESPERATELY TRYING TO IMPALE THE SHIT OUT OF KENJIRO. KENJIRO LETS OUT A SMALL CRY OF PAIN AS THE BLADES DIG INTO HIS BACK.

W.W.: THERE MIGHT BE HOPE YET, JIM!

“KEEEENJIROOOOO …” CALLAGHAN HOWLS AS HE BURSTS FORWARD.

“Damn it … all …” Kenjiro says as the RING ROPES SNAP AND HE IS FUCKING IMPALED WITH GODDAMNED SEVEN SWORDS THROUGH HIS FUCKING TORSO!

J.R.: BAH GAAAAWD!! BAH GAAAWD!! KENJIRO IS DEAD!

W.W.: YEAAAAH YAEAHBEAJGBGALGAGKJ!!

With a sigh of relief, Callaghan begins dragging his bloody paws towards the ring. Rolling in, he looks over Kenjiro, his eyes rolled in the back of his head and blood dripping from his mouth and nose. Jake Callaghan almost looks sad as he chomps on a katana blade, breaking it from a ring post.

J.R.: I can’t believe it, Warrior. Kenjiro is dead! One of the few combatants who competed in the original FTUW. And now he’s gone.

W.W.: YEAH, I KNOW, JIM. IT’S FUCKING GREAT. I BEEN DRUMMING MY FAT DICK AGAINST THIS ANNOUNCE TABLE IN CELEBRATION.

J.R.: Now, all that’s left is for Kenjiro to be disemboweled, thus finishing the match.

Shedding a single tear, CALLAGHAN BRINGS the BLADE TO KENJIRO’S STOMACH, READY TO SPILL HIS GUTS. With the tip, he slowly makes a small incision.




“OBJECTION!!”

FWOOOOOOOM! JIM ROSS, WARRIOR WARRIOR, AND CALLAGHAN ARE ALL SURPRISED AT WHAT THEY SEE!

OR IN CALLAGHAN’S CASE, WHAT HE *DOESN’T* SEE.

AND THAT’S BECAUSE A FINGER WAS POINTED RIGHT INTO HIS FUCKING EYE, A FINGER BELONGING TO KANZAKI KENJIRO!!

W.W.: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SLANT CHINK GOOK SLOPE FLIP ZIP NIP WOP BUG-EATING BUDDHAHEAD FUCKING FAGGOT DOING STILL ALIVE IN MY GUJBNGAOKDSHN!!

J.R.: KENJIRO … ALIVE?!

AS CALLAGHAN FLIPS BACKWARD FROM THE SAVAGE POKE IN THE EYE, KENJIRO’S EYES LIGHT UP DESPITE SEVEN BLADES IMPALING HIS BODY. SLOWLY, HE TAKES ONE STEP FORWARD. THEN ANOTHER. AND ANOTHER. BIT BY BIT THE TIPS OF THE BLADES SINK INTO KENJIRO’S BODY.

J.R.: How can he still be WALKING?!

WITH ONE FINAL PUSH, KENJIRO PULLS HIMSELF FROM THE BLADES, LEAVING NO BLOOD OR WOUNDS!

“H-H-HOW?!” CALLAGHAN SAYS BEFORE KENJIRO SLAMS HIS MOUTH SHUT WITH A VACUUM AND NAILS IT SHUT WITH THE BROKEN KATANA BLADE!

W.W.: FUUUCK!!

“How?” Kenjiro says, HIS COAT BLOWING DRAMATICALLY IN THE WIND. He raises his hands up and GIVES THE PEACE SIGN. BUT THAT’S NOT THE PEACE SIGN, IT’S ACTUALLY A “V”.

“You know, it’s the thing I use for everything …”

J.R.: V-VACUUMS?!

As Callaghan is bleeding all over the mat, Kenjiro walks forward with his COOL DEMEANOR and flowing white clothes.

“Simple. Before I was impaled, I made sure the katanas hit no vital organs,” Kenjiro says, raising a finger. “And from that point I just used vacuums to seal up my injuries, internal and external …”

Callaghan stumbles forward, dragging the bloody katana blade jutting from his face along the mat. As Kenjiro stands there, motionless, Callaghan leaps up and tries to STAB HIM IN THE THROAT with the KATANA. Kenjiro merely backhands him, sending him bouncing across the mat.

J.R.: No matter what Callaghan tries, it’s always back to square one! Despite his earnest efforts, I think this is it! He can only manage so many comebacks.

“You’re a strong warrior, Callaghan,” Kenjiro says. “And the love you have for your wife only makes you stronger.”

Callaghan slumps down, his body overheating since he’s not able to pant.

“Perhaps in the after life, you’ll realize that I didn’t kill your wife …”

Callaghan’s eyes begin to shut as he no longer has the strength to fight. Kenjiro stands over him, and RAISES A BOOT OVER HIS SKULL.

“Sayonara, Jake Callaghan …” Kenjiro utters, THEN DROPS HIS FUCKING BOOT ON CALLAGHAN’S SKULL!

J.R.: BAH GAWD! HE KILLED HIM!

BUT WAIT, HIS BOOT STOPPED A CENTIMETER SHORT. KENJIRO LIFTS HIS FOOT TO REVEAL CALLAGHAN’S HEAD INTACT, AND THE KATANA MISSING. KENJIRO MERELY STOMPED ON THE BLADE, SENDING IT ROCKETING OUT OF CALLAGHAN’S FACE AND THROUGH THE BOTTOM OF THE MAT.

CALLAGHAN OPENS HIS MOUTH AND LETS OUT FURIOUS, BLOODY PANTS. LOOKING UP, HE SEES KENJIRO’S EYES LOCKED WITH HIS.

“Let’s finish this, like warriors …” Kenjiro says.

“K-Kenjiro …” Callaghan replies.

JAKE CALLAGHAN AND KANZAKI KENJIRO IMMEDIATELY BEGIN CLASHING, EXCHANGING LIGHTNING FAST KICKS AND PUNCHES.

“ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA!!” KENJIRO SCREAMS!

“YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP!!” CALLAGHAN RETORTS!

BLOODY MIST FILLS THE AIR AS THE TWO CONTINUE EXCHANGING BLOWS AT THE FRENETIC PACE!

BOOOOM! THE TWO SLIDE BACK FROM THE IMPACTS OF THEIR SIMULTANEOUS PUNCHES, CAUSING THE CHAIN TO GO TIGHT, BEFORE DASHING FORWARD AGAIN.

WHOOOSH! KENJIRO GOES FOR A ROUNDHOUSE KICK THAT MISSES. SEIZING THE OPPORTUNITY, CALLAGHAN LOWERS HIS HEAD AND TRIES ONCE AGAIN FOR HIS SIGNATURE TECHNIQUE.

J.R.: IT’S … IT’S … RAISE THE WOOF!!

BUT CALLAGHAN CAN’T RAISE HIS HEAD! LOOKING UP AND SEEING KENJIRO’S COLD EYES, HE REALIZES A VACUUM HAS HIS FACE STUCK AGAINST THE MAT.

“FEEEEELING … !” KENJIRO SHOUTS AS HE PULLS HIS FIST TO HIS SIDE.

W.W.: NO! NO! GET UP, YOU FUCKING MUTT! YOU GOTTA KILL THIS GUY!

J.R.: IT’S THE FEELING OVER! KENJIRO’S SIGNATURE TECHNIQUE!

THE FIST SOARS ALONG THE MAT, TWISTING THE CANVAS AS IT ZOOMS IN FOR CALLAGHAN’S HEAD. INCH BY INCH. CLOSER AND CLOSER! CALLAGHAN HAS NOWHERE TO DODGE!

FWOOOOOSH!

THE PUNCH MISSES AS CALLAGHAN JERKS HIS HEAD BACK, DRAGGING THE CANVAS ALONG WITH HIS FACE!

“W-What … ?” Kenjiro utters weakly as his punch sails by. FIRE FILLS CALLAGHAN’S EYES AS HE LOWERS HIS HEAD AGAIN!

BOOOOM! RAISE THE WOOF!

J.R.: HE’S AIRBORNE!

W.W.: GOOOOOOOO!!

ONCE KENJIRO REACHES THE APEX OF HIS FLIGHT AND THE CHAIN GOES TAUT, CALLAGHAN YANKS HIS SUPER MUSCULAR NECK DOWN AND SENDS KENJIRO HURDLING BACK TO EARTH.

HURDLING RIGHT INTO THE TORTURE RACK!

J.R.: TORTURE RACK! TORTURE RACK!!

W.W.: KILL THAT MOTHERFUCKER!!

CRACK! CRACK! CRAAACK! KENJIRO’S BONES BEGIN TO FRACTURE AS CALLAGHAN PUTS MORE AND MORE PRESSURE ON KENJIRO’S BODY.

J.R.: THE TORTURE RACK IS VIRTUALLY INESCAPABLE! KENJIRO IS DONE FOR!

CRAAAACK! BLOOD BEGINS EJACULATING FROM NUMEROUS AREAS ON KENJIRO’S BODY AS A BULGE, VEIN-COVERED CALLAGHAN CONTINUES THE HOLD.

W.W.: JUST A LITTLE MORE! A … LITTLE … MORE!

“Bunzo …” Kenjiro utters, his eyes a pale white and his voice trembling and weak.

The intense roaring of the crowd fades and fades until Kenjiro can no longer hear a peep. Then, their screaming faces begin to blur and blur until everything fades to white. And finally, the pain is gone.

“Bunzo …” Kenjiro repeats, unable to hear his own voice. “I’m sorry …”

AND THEN JAKE FUCKING CALLAGHAN RIPS KANZAKI KENJIRO IN HALF, SPILLING HIS GUTS INTO THE FUCKING AIR.

J.R.: BAAAAAAAH GAAAAAAAAAWD!!

W.W.: HNGGGGGGGGGGGGGAAAAAYAYAYAAAAAASJFHBAHKGHBGKAsdgbhagakgYEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!

THE BELL RINGS AND THE CROWD EXPLODES AS JAKE CALLAGHAN IS STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RING, ONE HALF OF KENJIRO ON EACH SIDE OF HIM, A SOLEMN LOOK ON HIS FACE.

In the background, Warrior Warrior is leading a parade over the death of Kenjiro.
Spamdini
Joined: 22 Jan 2007
Posts: 1322
(Fri Oct 12, 2007 10:52 pm)
Reply

Post     Re: FTUW's Roy Jonze Jr. Presents: Super Taboo Tuesday II!

Thunder echoes through the air as lightning bolts strike down from the sky and transform several unlucky audience members into smoldering piles of flesh.

JR: This can mean only one thing, Warrior! Our championship bout is just about to start!

Warrior: The last edition of Super Taboo Tuesday was one of my least favorite events of all time. Not only did I have to sit next to that insipid nancy boy X-Pac, I was forced to witness the heroic Theldorrin XIV suffer defeat at the hands of that nip retard Rakkyu Saketumi. On the plus side, Saketumi did die from his injuries and we continued our tradition of the systematic destruction of invaders from the east when we witnessed Kenjiro Kanzaki torn in half!

JR: Too true, too true. Last year we saw one of the greatest upsets of our times when Saketumi gave it his all and defeated the perennial champion and FTUW legend Theldorrin XIV with a clean victory. Could Black Judge be looking to upstage that epic battle with his performance this year?

Lightning: Introducing first, from Atlantic City, New Jersey, weighing in at 201 pounds, YOUR FTUW CHAMPION, VICTOR “THE ILLUSIONIST” POWERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRS!

The Illusionist, now possessed by Imhotep, makes a regal entrance sitting upon an Egyptian-style golden throne, carried by eight women bound in chains. He smirks and bows to the crowd.

JR: Is it just me Warrior or is The Illusionist looking rather…um…refined today?

Warrior: Usually the sight of that epic faggot makes my insides Gorilla Slam themselves. Not so much today. But he does seem to have black makeup around his eyes which is pretty effete.

The Illusionist steps into the ring and curtsies to a lovely lady in the front row, who blushes from the acknowledgment. He then tosses her a bouquet of roses. Upon catching them, the woman is astonished when a pair of sparrows fly out from within them and adorn her hair with flowers. The ravenous crowd doesn’t appreciate the stylish entrance so they take the woman and gangbang the shit out of her and eat the birds. The Illusionist merely smiles.

Lightning: And the challenger! From Boston, Massachusetts, weighing in at 230 pounds, “THE BLACK JUDGE” JOHN BAINES MCGUINNESS!

JR: !!!

Warrior: !!!

Crowd: !!!

Baines comes down in an outfit that is a combination between his Black Judge costume and his old lawyer attire. His right arm is all bandaged up and his gavel is strapped to his back as usual.

JR: What in the name of Sooner football?! Black Judge is former FTUW wrestler John Baines McGuinness?! This is the shocker of the century!!

Warrior: I knew there was something I liked Black Judge!

BLACK JUDGE LEAPS INTO THE RING A DROPKICKS THE ILLUSIONIST RIGHT IN THE FACE!

JR: BAH GAWD! This match hasn’t even started! What a cheap shot by McGuinness!

The Illusionist sails off his feet, bounces against the ropes and hits the ground. Black Judge jumps right on top of him and beats his skull with punch after punch, and the Illusionist can’t even cover up! The bell rings, but one man is already pummeled half to death!

JR: This is a slaughter! DAMN IT!

Illusionist: P-please don’t kill me!

BUT JOHN BAINES MCGUINNESS TAKES HIS GAVEL AND CRUSHES THE ILLUSIONIST’S SKULL IN!

Black Judge: Sorry, but I’ve got a past to tackle with and you were in my way!

The Illusionist lies there, his skull fractured everywhere and an eye hanging out of the socket, but he’s still barely breathing. Black Judge makes the cover!

ONE!

TWO!



THE REF HITS MCGUINNESS IN THE SPINE WITH HIS OWN GAVEL! Black Judge is writhing in pain after having his vertebrae nearly crushed into dust by the ref!

JR: That ref…that’s…

The ref is actually The Illusionist! A slow-mo replay shows that he used slight of hand to switch clothes with the referee just as the Black Judge entered the ring!

Illusionist: Thank you, thank you! I’m glad you all enjoyed my first feat of magic!

Warrior: So Illusionist is a heel and McGuinness is a face? I guess the world is finally seeing it Warrior’s way!

His back quivering in pain, Black Judge makes it to his feet though not without a great struggle. In the meantime, the Illusionist is showing the crowd his empty sleeves as he prepares for the next illusion. With a flick of both his wrists, Imhotep releases 20 doves into the air, flying in an elegant pattern above the ring. Black Judge refuses to allow him to be distracted and charges at the champion.

Illusionist: Magic is all about misdirection, and you took the bait like a true rube!

The doves’ skin explodes, revealing that they are actually hawks! They divebomb McGuinness at speeds exceeding 100 mph and shred his skin apart with their talons. Some of them use their beaks and impale the Black Judge, remaining imbedded there and siphoning his blood as the other birds continues to tear away at his flesh!

Illusionist: So have I sufficiently impressed you, Mr. McGuinness?

Black Judge: W…Wh…

Illusionist: What did I do? I used magic of course! But a thoughtless goon such as yourself wouldn’t be able to truly appreciate my art.

Black Judge: W…WHO DO YOU THINK I AM?!

As they move for the next strike, Black Judge grabs every single hawk within his iron grip and crushes them into ground meat! He also splatters all the hawks that are imbedded in his chest, covering himself in blood. Sticky blood. VERY STICKY BLOOD!

Black Judge: What the hell?!

Illusionist: Tar! I turned the hawk’s blood to tar! Had you shown your champion the proper respect, you might not be in this mess.

JR: So resourceful! The Illusionist is really on his A-game today!

Warrior: Bah, it’ll take more than birds and blood to impress the Warrior!

While Black Judge struggles to free himself, the Illusionist opens his mouth and pulls out three swords from within. Juggling them, he approaches McGuinness whose eyes widen upon seeing the blades. Powers grabs two of the swords and launches them at Black Judge and they stab into his chest.

Black Judge: URGH!!

Black Judge bleeds profusely as the blades stick out of the sizeable wounds in his body. These new injuries only further complicate the predicament he’s in. Keeping his graceful demeanor, the Illusionist takes careful aim and flicks the third swords straight at McGuiness’ head!

Illusionist: C’est fini!

Black Judge’s eyes widen as he sees the blade sailing towards his face!

DOOOOOOOOOOONG!

With inhuman reflexes, Black Judge was able to catch the sword in his teeth! His eyes bulge and veins pop out on his forehead as his muscles strain harder than they ever have before. With a grunt of pure manliness, he tears the tar off his body and frees his limbs while at the same time flexing so hard that the swords pop out of his chest! The strength he exerted was so powerful that the third sword shatters from his bite! Black Judge spits out pieces of broken metal covered in blood while the Imhotep applauds politely.

Black Judge: Fu-fuck…FUCK THIS SHIT!

Charging with a beast-like fury, the black Judge begins unloading a flurry of punches onto the Illusionist’s face! The champion’s skull becomes a punching bag as he absorbs blow after blow from the enraged challenger! He stumbles around, clearly half-unconscious after that brutal beating! Not missing a beat, Black Judge spins behind the Illusionist and places him in the half nelson!

JR: Cross Examination! Black Judge is finally on the attack with the Cross Examination!

Black Judge: HOW ARE YOU DOING YOUR MAGIC? TELL ME HOW YOUR TRICKS WORK!

Illusionist: A good illusionist…never reveals his secrets. A great illusionist…couldn’t even if he wanted to!

Black Judge: ANSWER ME! TELL ME ALL THE MAGIC TRICKS YOU HAVE PLANNED!

He cinches the hold tighter, but the Illusionist still doesn’t yield.

Illusionist: You have no idea what you’ve gotten into. This is all real magic! A weak mortal like you could never fathom the dark arts that I have mastered over the millennia!

Black Judge: Thousands of years? Who are you?! You’re not Victor Powers Jr.!

Illusionist: Why tell a man who will not live past tonight?

But Black Judge laughs.

Black Judge: OBJECTION! You’re the one who’s screwed!

And with the might of his bulging muscles, McGuinness rips the Illusionist’s arms right off! Imhotep stumbles around as the blood pours out of his armless body! With two precise and deadly kicks, Black Judge breaks both of Illusionist’s legs right off!

Black Judge: Any closing arguments?

Illusionist: Yes. I’d like to make an appeal.

Black Judge: DENIED!

BLACK JUDGE TAKES HIS GAVEL AND SWINGS IT LIKE A BASEBALL BAT, KNOCKING THE ILLUSIONIST’S HEAD OFF!!

JR: BAH GAWD!! ILLUSIONIST IS DEAD…AGAIN!!

Warrior: Yeah, I think the jury’s still out on that one. Where’s the new ref?

Black Judge grabs the new ref by the collar and stares into his face. He official sweats profusely as McGuinness makes sure he’s the real deal. Satisfied, he puts him down and goes to pin Illusionist’s torso.

BUT THEN TWO ARMS WRAP AROUND BLACK JUDGE’S NECK AND PUT HIM IN A SLEEPER HOLD! TWO ARMS NOT ATTACHED TO A BODY!

JR: WHAT IN THE SAME OF SWEET HOLY JESUS AND BARBEQUE SAUCE?!

Warrior: Powers used his right hand so often that it developed a mind of its own!

With the sleeper still applied, the Illusionst’s legs come along and put Black Judge in a figure-four leglock! Imhotep’s head floats in the air and begins mocking his opponent.

Illusionist: Looks like your judgment was premature.

The head begins to pound at Black Judge’s gut while he’s held up in the submission holds! In spite of his rage and strength, McGuinness is in no position to escape these holds!

JR: BAH GAWD! WHAT A PERFECT TECHNIQUE! By having separate arms and legs, Illusionist can apply two holds at and still keep attacking! The champ is unbeatable!

Warrior: Submissions holds are for pussies like the Illusionist! Use a fucking clothesline!

Black Judge: D…damn! I can’t lose to a priss in makeup! MURDERFU-URK!

The sleeper is cinched tighter and the blood gets cut off to Black Judge’s brain. The rage drains out of his body with the blood and can’t even roll out of it with the figure-four on his legs.

Black Judge: Fucking balls on a cock! You’re an annoying little asshole!

One more flying headbutt to Black Judge’s stomach, causing him to vomit up a splotch of blood.

Illusionist: So you concede that my magic is too powerful for you?

Black Judge: I concede…that you suck dicks!

Using his arms, his only free part of his body, McGuinness uses a series a karate chops over the floating arms. Surprisingly, they fall limp. With his neck freed, he does the same thing to the floating legs and they fall limp as well. Finally, he grabs the floating head and crushes it into dust!

JR: I don’t know what just happened, but BAH GAWD he crushed the Illusionist’s skull!

Black Judge: Cute trick. Using invisible strings to control those fake body parts like marionettes. But I know where the real you is!

He points passionately at the torso, which had just been lying on the ground. It suddenly sits up and a pair of arms and legs pop out, followed by a sneering head.

Illusionist: Heh, it was getting rather cramped in there. So my puppet show didn’t impress you?

While Illusionist cracks his neck, Black Judge picks up his gavel and begins to circle his opponent.

Black Judge: If you’re done with the child’s play, let’s finish this!

But Illusionist begins floating in place, his arms folded across his chest.

Illusionist: I agree fully. Try your best to strike me down, you simple weakling!

Exploding part of the mat under him with his mighty leg muscles, Black Judge leaps forth and swings his gavel down like he’s playing Whack-a-mole and smooshes the Illusionist into the mat! Nothing but a black splotch where the Illusionist used to be!

But the Illusionist jumps out of the splotch and uppercuts Black Judge right in the chin! Shocked, he drops his gavel and stumbles forward, tripping on the splotch he thought was the Illusionist’s remains. It turns out to be an extra-dimensional hole or something like that! Imhotep picks up his opponent and body slams him through the hole, causing the Black Judge to disappear from the ring! The Illusionist follows suit and dives into the hole.

JR: Our competitors have left the ring!

Inside the magical portal, Black Judge stumbles around aimlessly until he feels something stab into his back. A playing card! Three more stab into his chest, bicep and thigh! He turns around, thinking that the attacker is hiding behind him, but sees nothing.

Booming voice: Ha ha ha, don’t you get it yet? This is magic beyond your comprehension! The space we are in is under my complete control! I told you that you were a rube from the get go!

Ten more cards stab into Black Judge’s back, causing blood to spurt out from the various wounds! Too intent on killing the asshole that’s attacking him, Black Judge doesn’t even remove the razor sharp cards from his body as he spins around looking for the Illusionist. Too bad for him that the Illusionist found him first! Imhotep grabs McGuinness from behind and German suplexes him through another extra-dimensional hole and back into the ring! Light years of being suplexed take their toll as Black Judge is slammed into the mat, causing the cards to lodge deeper into his flesh!

Warrior: I was able to eat ten steaks and squeeze out a ten-foot coil while those assholes were off fingering each other. No one makes Warrior wait!

Warrior gorilla presses the ring into the ceiling, serving only to further injure Black Judge. The ring comes crashing back down and the front ten rows to the east and splattered into oblivion.

Weakly, Black Judge gets to his feet and plucks most of the cards out. Imhotep merely floats above one of the ring posts and smiles. Furious, Black Judge begins unloading his fists into the champion’s groin!

BIM BAP BAF! The fists ricochet off of the Illusionist, like he’s made out of rubber! None of Black Judge’s punches are working! The Illusionist is just standing there guffawing while the intensely crazed McGuinness barely notices that his attacks are having no effect! Pulling a magic wand out of his sleeve, he conjures a hair of heavy shackles, which clamp onto Black Judge’s wrists! They’re so heavy that not even the mighty McGuinness can manage to lift his hands off the ground!

Illusionist: And now for the Sonson Special!

The Illusionist tosses his wand high up into the air, until it disappears. Seconds later, it comes back down…AND IS NOW 50 FEET TALL AND SIX FEET IN DIAMETER! The Black Judge is crushed under its might before it turns back into a normal magic wand! McGuinness lies half-dead on the mat with his eyes rolled back in his skull.

JR: BAH GAWD! WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED! HE KILLED HIM! HE KILLED HIM! HE KILLED HIM!

Black Judge: Not human…I can’t win. Fuck…I guess our family is doomed to get their shit fucked up when we try to fight gods.

???: Ain’t no god.

Black Judge: Huh?

???: He ain’t no god. You can win this.

A faint jazz solo begins to play throughout the arena. It’s so faint, in fact, that everyone begins to wonder if their ears are just playing tricks on them.

JR: D-Do you hear that, Warrior?!

Warrior: My ear muscles filter out everything that isn’t heavy metal or patriotic country music so no I don’t.

Imhotep, however, seems bothered by the music.

Illusionist: W-what’s going on?!

The Illusionist is unable o keep himself afloat and lands back on the mat.

Illusionist: Impossible! My powers!

While he tries to figure out what’s going on, Illusionist fails to notice a black silhouette rising to his feet. Anger takes the form of imaginary flames, rising from Black Judge’s head.

Illusionist: W-what?! How could you be ali…

Black Judge shatters his shackles.

Illusionist: SUMMON SNAKES!

No snakes.

Illusionist: TURN THE MAT TO WATER!

No water.

Illusionist: Uh…h-hold on a sec! Wait!

Black Judge clobbers Illusionist in the face with a meaty fist of MURDERFUCK RAGE. The lone punch is enough to send the frail musician sailing across the ring! The sound of his skull fracturing rings throughout the arena as the crowd gets on its feet and begins hooting and hollering for Black Judge!

JR: HE FINALLY HURT THE ILLUSIONIST!

Warrior: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA RAPE HIS EYE SOCKETS, JOHN!

Panicked, the Illusionist attempts to crawl of the ring in order to escape the challenger’s wrath. Unfortunately for him, there’s no escape at this point.

Illusionist: D-Don’t kill me!

The mustache suddenly begins to melt off of his face as he pleads for mercy. But Black Judge can’t even hear the pleas for mercy. HE’S JUST TOO FUCKING MAD!

BATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATA! A hundred punches and kicks beat the Illusionist into a bloody pulp. His broken bones make his body look contorted and his teeth litter the mat.

BATATATATATATATATATATATATATATA! A HUNDRED PUNCHES TO THE ILLUSIONIST’S CHEST!

JR: LETHAL INJECTION! HE’S GONNA PUNCH A MUDHOLE RIGHT THROUGH HIS HEART!

But then McGuinness stops. The Illusionist can barely move his mangled body anymore, so he rotates a single eye towards the Black Judge to figure out why he didn’t beat his heart into oblivion.

Black Judge: No. I can’t let things end like this. Not with me going murderfuck and punching a guy’s heart in.

Illusionist: Th-thank you.

Black Judge: I-I need to…

JR: What’s the Black Judge saying?

Black Judge: I need to…GO MURDERFUCK AND FUCKING SLAM HIM THROUGH THE RING!

Black Judge tosses the Illusionist a hundred feet into the air, slamming into the ceiling! Imhotep continues his shit eating grin and murmurs "You're fucking dead".

HIS GRIN CHANGES TO A LOOK OF HORROR ONCE HE REALIZES THAT BLACK JUDGE IS RIGHT BEHIND HIM!

Black Judge: TOMBSTONE POWERRRRRRRRRRRRRBOOOOOOOOOOOOOMB!!!

COMBINING ALL THE RAW RAGE OF MURDERFUCK WITH THE AWESOME DESTRUCTIVE POWERS OF BOTH THE TOMBSTONE PILEDRIVER AND THE POWERBOMB, BLACK JUDGE GRABS THE ILLUSIONIST AND DOES ABOUT 10,000 FLIPS WITH HIM BEFORE DRIVING HIS OPPONENT SKULL FIRST INTO THE MAT! THE IMPACT DISINTEGRATES THE RING, SENDING SHARDS OF METAL FLYING AND MURDERING PEOPLE FORE MILES AROUND!

JR: THE TOMBSTONE PILEDRIVER! JOHN BAINES MCGUINNESS’ OLD FINIHSER! BAH GAWD HE JUST DESTROYED THE FUCKING RING AND MURDERED THE ILLUSIONIST OLD SCHOOL STYLE!

WARRIORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Black Judge drapes an arm across the Illusionist’ chest! The previous ref was impaled by two ring posts so a third one dives onto the floor and counts!

ONE!!

TWO!!

THREE!!!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! NOT THREE! ILLUSIONIST ACTUALLY KICKED OUT! HE KICKED OUT AFTER BEING TOMBSTONE PILEDRIVEN INTO NEAR OBLIVION!

JR: WAIT IN THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! HE KICKED OUT?!?!?!?!

Warrior: I’LL RAPE EVERYTHING ON EARTH!!!

Upon closer inspection, an invisible string is shown lifting the Illusionist’s shoulder off the ground! He strung it across one of the beams on the ceiling when he was thrown up there! At this point, the ever-present smirk on the Illusionist’s face returns.

Illusionist: I’m alive. Heh, excellent! Because I saw something quite interesting up there.

Using his index and middle fingers on his right hand, the only bones not broken, he flings a card up at the rafters! The jazz noise suddenly falls silent.

???: Damn! My sax! He got it! Better get out of here before he figures out it was me.

While Black Judge wonders where the music went and how his opponent could possibly have survived, a miracle occurs! The Illusionist floats up into the air and all his skin and muscles fall off, turning him into a skeleton composed of broken bones! Floating Krazy Glue and Scotch Tape patch the skeleton back together before the Illusionist’s skin and flesh return.

Illusionist: I planted a few other strings while I was up there, too.

With a snap of his fingers, Black Judge suddenly finds himself suspended in mid-air and unable to move! With movement restored to his arms, the Illusionist weaves dozens of wires around Black Judge’s body and ties him face-up to the ground!

Black Judge: UNGH! I’ll just break out of your faggy wires!

But Illusionist flies up to the ceiling of the arena and divebombs directly at the Black Judge!

Illusionist: ANCIENT EGPYTIAN STYLE: B’HEN-WAH FLYING HEADBUTT!

ILLUSIONIST’S SKULL MAKES AN IMPACT WITH BLACK JUDGE’S FACE, CRACKING THE ARENA FLOOR SO BADLY THAT SINKHOLES OPEN UP AND SWALLOW MANY OF THE SURVIVING FANS! BLACK JUDGE’S ULTRA TOUGH FACE MUSCLES ARE ALL THAT ARE KEEPING HIS SKULL FROM TURNING TO DUST!

The Illusionist makes the pin!

ONE!

TWO!



TH-THREE!!!

The bell rings! The match is over!

Lightning: Here is your winner and STILL FTUW CHAMPION: VICTOR “THE ILLUSIONIST” POWERS, JR!!!

JR: DAMN THAT ILLUSIONIST! HE TIED THE BLACK JUDGE DOWN TO KEEP HIM FROM KICKING OUT!

Warrior: That’s what you get for allowing preening queers to be your champion, JR. Don’t you feel stupid for cheering him on before?

The Illusionist takes a bow as the survivors pelt him with garbage and knives, none of which actually hurt the champ. He takes a look up at the ceiling once more as he leaves the arena.

Illusionist: Could it have been…? No, I’ve still got him locked up. Then who though?
Ryoko's Biatch
Joined: 04 Jan 2007
Posts: 9255
(Fri Oct 12, 2007 11:57 pm)
Reply

Post     Re: FTUW's Roy Jonze Jr. Presents: Super Taboo Tuesday II!

J.R.: Warrior, I think it's time for the first of our two extra special matches.

WW: Oh, you think so? Listen, Jim, if you can't say something with conviction, you should just shut the fuck up.

J.R.: What's your problem, Warrior?

WW: You know goddamn well what my problem is! It's ... THOSE FUCKING QUEERS.

The camera zooms out to show that the announcer's table is on a platform in the middle of THE FUCK SWAMP. One faggot jumps out of the murky water and lands asshole first on a massive cock before the radioactive jizz burns through his body, melting him from the inside out.

WW: Jesus Christ, Jim, did you see that?

J.R.: Yes, I did. For our viewers at home, we're in the middle of the Fuck Swamp, just moments before the beginning of the Ant King vs. Corey Nguyen match, which should prove to be a real slobber-knocker!

WW: Thank the blessed souls of warriors past that the Ant King is here to defend heterosexuality.

J.R.: You do realize that the Ant King has used ... sodomy ... to kill hundreds of men?

WW: Only in the most heterosexual way possible, Jim. There is a difference.

J.R.: On that note, let's go Reginald Lightning in the Fuck Swamp!

A harness slowly lowers Lightning down onto a rickety wooden raft floating in the Fuck Swamp. Dozens of bleached blond fauxhawks circle around the edges. A member of the FTUW Security Force throws a bucket of cum to lure the fags away from Lightning, but before the ejaculate hits the water, rock hard cocks pierce through his armor and he is viciously raped to death. When the fags slither off, all that remains is a skeleton dripping with a white fluid.

Lightning watches the attack with horror and pulls on the harness rope to signal to the technicians above to raise him up. As he quickly rises he yells out, "ANT KING VS. COREY NGUYEN!"

Two hovercrafts speed over the Fuck Swamp and then crash into giant boulders, LAUNCHING THE ANT KING AND COREY NGUYEN RIGHT AT EACH OTHER WHERE THEY START THROWING RAPID FIRE PUNCHES IN MID-AIR. They jump back from each other over the raft and then slide backward where cool camera angles make it look like they slid back a distance far greater than the length of the raft.

WW: That was pretty cool!

J.R.: No argument here! The Ant King and Corey Nguyen waste no time here, but the first CLASH OF TITANS seems to have ended in a stalemate!

Corey Nguyen points dramatically at the Ant King. "It's time for the final battle. We split the first two matches, but this time the loser dies for real."

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA MOTHER BITCHES!" THE ANT KING DOES A JET LI KICK TO COREY NGUYEN'S CHEST, SENDING THE GOOK FLYING THROUGH THE AIR. Nguyen flips and lands on a tree but the branch breaks under his weight. A fag leaps out of the water and opens its jaws impossibly wide, revealing three rows of teeth. It fires out a ten foot long tongue at Nguyen and it wraps around his waist. Nguyen pulls the fag by its tongue and then SMASHES ITS JAWS TOGETHER, SEVERING THE TONGUE. HE LASSOS ANOTHER TREE WITH THE TONGUE AND THEN SURFS THE FAG'S BODY BACK TO THE RAFT.

WW: What a lucky break.

J.R.: I don't know, Warrior, that seemed like a skillful display!

WW: I've got a skillful display for you. Here's a hint, IT'S MY DICK.

"As you can see, Ant King, my power level has grown considerably." Nguyen spins the tongue lasso above his head and throws it at the Ant King.

The Ant King raises his arms in the air and screams, "MY DICK IS ABOUT TO GROW CONSIDERABLY." AND THEN HIS FUCKING DICK SHOOTS OUT OF HIS EXOSKELETON, CATCHING THE LOOP OF THE LASSO AND THEN PULLING NGUYEN TO IT. THRUSTING HIS HIPS AGAIN, THE ANT DICK GOES DIRECTLY INTO NGUYEN'S MOUTH.

WW: GOD, DID YOU SEE THAT JIM?

J.R.: ...

WW: THE ANT KING IS A REAL COCKSMITH. THAT THICK VEINY DICK IS WHAT REAL MEN WEILD WITH UNPARALLELED SKILL AND IT MAKES THE FUCKING PUSSY FAGGOTS JEALOUS. THAT'S WHY FAGS LOVE DICK SO MUCH, THEY KNOW THEIR DICKS WILL NEVER BE SO GREAT AND THEY OVERCOMPENSATE BY TRYING TO FIND THE BEST DICKS, BUT THEY'LL NEVER SUCCEED BECAUSE I'M NOT A FAG. GOD, I LOVE HUGE DICKS SO MUCH, IT MAKES MY BLOOD BOIL WITH VIOLENCE AND THE GODS OF WAR TELL ME THAT MY SOUL IS MADE OUT OF STEEL FORGED IN THE FIRES OF VIOLENCE AND HATE AND MY DICK GETS SO HARD THAT I COULD FUCK YOU IN THE ASSHOLE AND YOUR BODY WOULD TURN INTO VAPOR AND MY HEART AND MIND SEE THE STARS THAT ARE THE WARRIORS OF PAST GENERATIONS LOOKING DOWN AND TELLING ME WHAT I AM WORTHY OF MY POSITION AS THE UTMOST WARRIOR OF THE PRESENT AGE AND MY BALLS SMELL OF SWEATY MURDER.

J.R.: Well.

WW: SNERRRRRRK HEEAGHAGH FUCK

AS THE HARD DICK THRUSTS BACK AND FORTH IN COREY NGUYEN'S MOUTH, ALL HE CAN THINK OF IS HOW HE WAS HUMILIATED AND ALMOST DIED FOUR YEARS AGO.

----------------------------------

Four years ago at Roy Jonze Jr. Presents Super Taboo Tuesday, a custodian sweeps body parts from the hundreds of mutilations that occur on a minutely basis. The limbs are pushed into a pit leading to the furnace that powers the arena. In the heap is Corey Nguyen. With what strength remains in his body, he grabs on to some metal protuberance in the chute, enduring the pounding of falling flesh. The shit that coats Nguyen's body starts to harden from the intense heat coming from below.

----------------------------------

Corey Nguyen is rocked out of his dream by a torrent of jizz firing down his throat.

"TASTE GOOD, BEEEEEE OTCH? I'm letting 15 gallons, 8 quarts, 5 liters, 23 cubic centimeters, 12 cups and 34 teaspoons of **RED HOT CUM** fly from my ** BIG ANT DICK**!!!!!!!1"

Corey Nguyen can't stand the humiliation anymore and FUCKING UPPERCUTS THE ANT KING IN THE GODDAMN TAINT!

J.R.: THAT'S going to be sore in the morning and you can bet an Oklahoma-sized omelet on that!

WW: You don't have to be an entomologist to know that ants don't even have taints, so Nguyen is just wasting time before he's raped to death.

J.R.: A ento-what?

WW: Maybe you should go Oklahoma University and learn some goddamn things, you ignorant hick! I'm tired of your bullshit!

The Ant King staggers back and Nguyen takes the advantage, wrapping his hands around the Ant King's throat and throwing his head to the edge of the raft. The raft starts to tip over from the weight of the FIGHTERS and the Ant King's head is only inches above the Fuck Swamp. Eight big floppy dicks rise up and start to surround the Ant King's head and Corey Nguyen grins like a maniac.

"How does your own medicine taste, ***BEE OTCH**?"

"PRETTY GOT HAM GOOD, MOTHER COCK SUCKER!!!!!!!!!!"

THE ANT KING FUCKING TURNS HIS HEAD AND BITES OFF A COCK AND THEN SPITS IT INTO COREY NGUYEN'S EYES! Nguyen reels back and the Ant King kips to his feet.

WW: Fuck yeah!

J.R.: Unbelievable, the Ant King was able to turn what could have been a violent death into salvation!

The Ant King starts throwing kung fu punches and kicks, knocking Nguyen around the ring, turning the MAN MACHINE into a bloody pulp. Nguyen tries to throw a punch, but the Ant King catches the fist and then KARATE CHOPS NGUYEN'S ARM OFF.

WW: That p/c liberal chink is in real trouble now! The Ant King is starting to warm up!

J.R.: The refs need to stop the damn fight before Corey Nguyen is killed!

WW: Are you fucking retarded? That's the whole point!

Nguyen stops fighting back and is battered by the Ant King like a punching bag. The Ant King winds up two of his arms to uppercut Nguyen into the Fuck Swamp when FOUR FUCKING DICK TENTACLES WRAP AROUND ALL FOUR OF HIS WRISTS. The Ant King turns to see a mutant fag with seven dick tentacles and one bloody stump on its crotch.

In the grips of the SEPTAPUS, the Ant King is helpless to resist a THUNDEROUS PUNCH from Nguyen's remaining arm, piercing the Ant King's exoskeleton and RIPPING OUT HIS FUCKING HEART.

J.R.: BAH GAWD! Corey Nguyen just killed the Ant King! Again!

WW: Everyone knows, Jim, that the Ant King has six hearts, so losing one isn't a big deal.

J.R.: Really?

WW: Well, if it wasn't true before, then it is now.

"Tits a shame, Corey ..." the Ant King says, hanging his head while his body is dragged closer to the pulsating dick tentacles.

Nguyen smashes the Ant King's heart between his fingers. "Hehehe, you mean that we couldn't be friends? That you had to die by the same kind of TORMENT you inflicted upon me?"

"THAT I'M GUNNA SHOOT MUH GRAVY!"

A TORRENT OF RADIOACTIVE ANT BLOOD SHOOTS OUT OF HIS FUCKING CHEST LIKE A GODDAMNED FIREHOSE, THROWING NGUYEN OFF OF THE RAFT, SAILING OVER THE FUCK SWAMP.

J.R.: Jesus Christ, I don't think it's possible that the Ant King had that much blood in his body!

WW: Science was created by God for this purpose.

J.R.: What does that even mean?

Nguyen thrashes around in the Fuck Swamp before finally gaining his footing and standing waist deep in the faggot water. He looks around to see the Ant King battling against the seven-dicked faggot, but then something terrifying catches his eyes. Uncircumcised, flacid cocks start to rise out of the swamp, pointing directly at him. And then the foreskins pull back as the dicks harden.

J.R.: Corey Nguyen is about to have the snot beaten out of him by dozens of dicks! I think I'm going to be sick, Warrior!

WW: Jim, you have to look directly at the dicks. You have to face fear, stare it in the eyes and then say, "FUCK YEAH, BRING IT!" It's the Warrior Way.

Nguyen spots an island of mud and starts to swim like a man possessed as the cocks follow, moving faster and faster. Just when they're on Nguyen's heels, he's able to scramble up and when he turns around all of the dicks have retreated into the water. A sigh of relief escapes his lungs, but he realizes he's relaxed too soon when nude men start to ascend the edges of the island.

--------------------------------

As Corey Nguyen hung on for dear life, fearing that he could fall into the flames at any moment, he heard a rumbling AND THEN THE BROKEN BODY OF A WOMAN FIRES THROUGH THE WALL OF THE CHUTE AND SENDS HIM FLYING OUT OF THE ARENA. On the opposite side, James Brock McHarris thrusts his dick back and forth while screaming an indecipherable string of expletives.

Lying in an alley, he watches a bodybag with Rakkyu Saketumi's body inside carted into an ambulance. Saketumi's lackeys stand next to it and cry loudly. Tanaka falls to his knees and bows to the ambulance, tears streaking down his face. It was then that an EMT sees Nguyen in the alley. "Holy shit, the bastard's breathing."

--------------------------------

J.R.: It isn't looking good for Corey Nguyen! The faggots have him surrounded!

WW: KILL THE CHINK! KILL HIM!

The fags circle around Nguyen, stroking their throbbing man meats. Each stroke is fractionally faster and harder than the last, the jerking becoming a homoerotic symphony of skin flutes. Finally, the beating stops and all of the faggots groan in unison. Massive ropes of jizz explode out of the dicks simultaneously, shooting toward Nguyen at blinding speed. Nguyen ducks below the projectile baby batter, causing the homos to hit the fag across from him. They stand in stunned silence as their skin starts to bubble and then slough away, bloody chunks of flesh falling to the mud.

J.R.: This is absolutely one of the most horrifying things I've ever seen and I've been to all of the FTUW pay-per-view events.

WW: I think you're exaggerating a little. Any time a queer dies is worth the price of admission.

"Nappa!" one fag yells out, "What are you doing in the Fuck Swamp?"

A muscular bald man in black leather with a thin spic moustache has a man in a headlock. "I'm rolling around with my mates!"

While the fag's head rolls off of its neck, he screams out, "HEEEEEEEELP MEEEEEEEE!"

Nappa thrusts his dicks a few times until the man's hips break and his guts fall out and then he sinks below the water. Nguyen watches and then sprints, leaping toward the raft. BUT then Nappa grabs him by the ankle and drags him under the FUCK SWAMP.

J.R.: It looks like Corey Nguyen is done for! I don't know how he'll sneak out of this one!

WW: He won't. My main man, the patriotic AMERICAN, can't lose.

-------------------------------

After nearly a year of hospitalization, Corey Nguyen still lies in his hospital bed without the will to live. His ass was damaged beyond repair and his arms and legs had to be amputated due to infections caused by corn-filled shit. Every day was just one more day closer to death.

And then one day he had a visitor. A man with a British accent. He said his name was Archibald Orwellington and he had an offer. A chance to get revenge on the one who made him this way.

-------------------------------

THIS WASN'T THE WAY IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE.

Corey Nguyen felt Nappa's hands feeling up and down his body before finally ripping his clothes off. In that split second, he pulled away, using his one arm to swim to the safety of the raft. He drags himself up on the wooden planks and can't believe what he sees.

THE ANT KING IS SWINGING FOUR GIANT DICKS OVER HIS HEAD WHILE THREE MORE SPASM AT HIS FEET.

"FUCK YEAH, MOTHER BITCHES!!!!!!!!!"

THE FOUR DICKS WRAP AROUND NGUYEN'S BODY AND PULL HIM FACE TO FACE WITH THE ANT KING WHO SCREAMS INCOHERENTLY OVER AND OVER, SPITTING IN THE ASIAN'S EYES.

J.R.: What is going on with the Ant King?

WW: The Warrior Spirit has entered him. May God have mercy on our souls.

Nguyen rips the cocks and then kicks the Ant King, knocking him back. "I've had enough of this! Let's finish this like men, Ant King!"

The Ant King rises to his feet, suddenly serious. "Your an honorable man Nguyen. My respect for you has grown considerably. OH SHIT LOOK BEHIND YOU!"

Nguyen looks and then the Ant King puts him in a headlock. At first, Nguyen curses himself for his foolishness, but then he sees that the Ant King was right. A totally nude Nappa stands dripping wet on the edge of the raft, swinging his cock around.

"SAY GOODBYE, KID!"

NAPPA FUCKING RUNS UP AND SUCKS COREY NGUYEN'S TINY ASIAN DICK!

J.R.: Bah gawd, Nappa is giving Corey Nguyen an Oklahoma sized blow job!

WW: This is an interesting turn of events. Let's see where the Ant King is going with this.

NAPPA KNEELS, SUCKING COREY'S DICK WITH FURY, BOBBING HIS HEAD BACK AND FORTH WHILE SHIT POURS OUT OF HIS ASSHOLE. NGUYEN TRIES TO ESCAPE, BUT THE ANT KING IS TOO STRONG.

Nappa pulls back his head and smacks his lips. "I'm gonna blow you away!" Nappa opens his mouth wide and blue KI starts to center over his tongue. After a few seconds A GIANT BEAM FIRES OUT, VAPORIZING COREY NGUYEN'S DICK.

J.R.: BAH GAWD! BAH GAWD! BAH GAWD!

THE ANT KING LETS GO OF NGUYEN AND THEN HE AND NAPPA START GANG BANGING NGUYEN WHILE HE'S DOWN. THE ANT KING THRUSTS HIS HARD ANT DICK IN AND OUT OF NGUYEN'S MOUTH WHILE NAPPA WIGGLES HIS DICK AROUND IN WHAT'S LEFT OF NGUYEN'S BOWELS.

"OH YEAH RIDE THAT HOT GRAVY TRAIN AND ANAL BALLS"

"TAKE THAT SAIYAN DICK OH YEAH FUCK"

THE ANT KING AND NAPPA BOTH COME AT THE SAME TIME AND THEIR JIZZ COLLIDES IN THE CENTER OF NGUYEN'S BODY, FUCKING MAKING COREY NGUYEN EXPLODE INTO HUNKS OF HARD RAPED MEAT.

J.R.: This ... This is actually a lot like the first time they fought. Except a lot longer.

WW: And more satisfying.

J.R.: Well, folks, the Ant King wins. This is just sickening.

The Ant King and Nappa start fencing with their dicks while the Fuck Swamp is drained.
Vinny
[00:10] How can you get an erect dick into your own ass?
Joined: 16 Jan 2007
Posts: 5181
(Sat Oct 13, 2007 11:06 am)
Reply

Post     Re: FTUW's Roy Jonze Jr. Presents: Super Taboo Tuesday II!

As a plume of radioactive jizz rises from the FUCK SWAMP, Nguyen’s head spins through the air before crashing into a floating island of dicks. Circuitry juts from his shredded neck and a few sparks fire from his raped throat as motor oil leaks from his tear ducts.

----------

“His prognosis isn’t good …” says a doctor to Mr. and Mrs. Nguyen, Corey Nguyen’s parents. “The damage sustained to his anus alone is unbelievable. His rectum is somehow larger than his torso. In fact, most of his broken body is a bright red, irritated asshole …”

Nguyen lies in traction, encased in a full body cast and his ass packed with several pounds of ice. Mr. Nguyen embraces his wife as she bawls her eyes out.

“Is … is he any pain?” asks Mr. Nguyen.

“Yes, he is in extreme amounts of pain, a nightmarish agony that no human should endure. The Ant King’s seminal fluid is coursing through his veins and due to its radioactive nature any painkillers we inject into your son’s body are rendered useless. I’m sure he’d be screaming for us to kill him if his voice box wasn’t so thoroughly fucked by the Ant King’s penis.”

Nguyen’s parents paste their son with good luck charms and leave their son to suffer alone. Days pass and Nguyen lives with his unimaginable suffering, praying for death to release him from his monstrous solitude. Days become weeks, weeks become months. Finally, just enough strength has returned to Nguyen’s jaw so that he may be able to chew off his own tongue.

Then, Corey Nguyen hears a voice.

“Do you desire power?”

Within the darkness a symbol appears, cutting through the blackness with its vivid beauty. It is the infinity symbol and it hangs in the abyss as a beacon of light.

“W-who are you?” Nguyen speaks, suddenly finding he has a voice.

“You know my name,” the voice rings out. “Speak it.”

“T-Theldorrin …”

“Again,” the voice commands.

“Theldorrin.”

“Again.”

“THELDORRIN!”

---------

With what little life still inhabiting Nguyen’s defiled corpse, he speaks that name. And then, in front of him, appears Theldorrin.

“Y-You … c-came …” Nguyen mutters. In a grey suit and a bandaged head adorned with the infinity symbol appears Theldorrin, the savior of the world.

“This is a shame,” Theldorrin says, kneeling beside Nguyen’s severed head.

“P-Please … grant … me … life again …” Nguyen utters, his voice getting weaker.

Theldorrin brings his hand towards Nguyen and places his fingers on his forehead. Slowly, the fingers dip into through the skull and Nguyen’s eyes roll into the back of his skull, bloody foam leaking from his orifices as the skin on Nguyen’s skull melts. Soon, the whole skull disintegrates into a heap of goo.

”There is no ending or beginning, Nguyen. No life, no death,” mutters Theldorrin. As Theldorrin rises up from the corpse of Nguyen, five shadowy figures appear behind him.

J.R.: W-WAIT A GODDAMN MINUTE, who the hell are those guys!

W.W.: Yeah, they just sort of came out of nowhere.

Standing behind Theldorrin is the five remaining members of ALEPH: Archibald Orwellington, Mike Tyson, Weed Machine, Darren Drozdov, and The Rock.

“This place stinks … stinks like fags …” Drozdov says, sneering like a douche bag.

“We are standing in ring suspended above hundreds of homosexuals, after all,” Orwellington says, adjusting his tie.

A spotlight suddenly hits Theldorrin while he’s surrounded by his entourage.

“Ladies and gentleman, it’s been quite a while, hasn’t it?” Theldorrin says, his voice now BOOMING through the arena’s LOUDSPEAKERS. “A little over three years since the last time we’ve spoke …”

J.R.: Bah Gawd, can it be … THELDORRIN?

W.W.: THELDORRIN?! What the fuck is he doing in New America?!

“Despite my best efforts, it seems that this plague known as ‘wrestling’ has resurfaced. Three years ago at Death Race 2007, I destroyed this vile, bloated federation in order to save the world. But I should have known it would be only a matter of time before you vermin collected yourselves and begin acting out in this absurd play once more.”

J.R.: That no good snake-in-the-grass! He has the gall to come here after destroying the FTUW!

W.W.: Shh, Jim. Let’s hear him out.

J.R.: Warrior, he destroyed America!

W.W.: Yeah, no shit, Jim. And you know what? In the process he basically eradicated liberal America. This paragon of masculinity, this Herculean savior, brought us a world where the STRONG RULE. Jim, I’ve had more fun these past three years I’ve had in my whole fucking life.

J.R.: Still, he destroyed the FTUW! You love the FTUW! And he still wants to destroy it!

W.W.: I follow power. Theldorrin is POWER.

As this tirade against the FTUW continues, LIQUOR BOTTLES and random blunt weapons begin raining from the AUDIENCE into the RING, along with a CHORUS of BOOS, but each and every one falls to the ground in an instant once they enter Droz’ gravitational field.

“Don’t worry, my simple folk. You can continue to gorge yourself on this violence,” Theldorrin says. “I’ll leave you all to drown in the sea of blood you’ve created. I only came here to-“

“YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH RIGHT NOW YOU BITCH!!!” THE ANT KING SCREAMS AS HE SWINGS TOWARDS THE RING ON A ROPE MADE OF COCKS TIED TOGETHER.

J.R.: THE ANT KING! THE ANT KING! I FORGOT HE WAS HERE!

W.W.: YEAAAAAAAH!

The Ant King FLIES into the FUCKING RING and ALEPH immediately surrounds their leader. However, Theldorrin puts a hand on Mike Tyson’s shoulder and urges him out of the way.

”And this … is how you repay me after I restored your body?” Theldorrin says.

“I DON’T FOLLOW ORDERS FROM NO ONE, MUTHA BITCH,” THE ANT KING SCREAMS before FIRING his AK-47 WILDLY into the CHEERING CROWD to punctuate his sentence.

“I even brought you your nemesis, the man who destroyed your body, and still … such hostility …”

“TASTE GOOD BEE OTCH?!”

“If that’s how it must be …” Theldorrin utters before DROZ and MIKE TYSON immediately DASH TOWARDS THE ANT KING.

“YOU WON’T GET A CHEAP SHOT IN THIS TIME YOU FUCKING FAGGOT!” DROZ SCREAMS.

J.R.: BUSINESS IS PICKING UP!

FWOOOSH! THE ANT KING DUCKS A FLYING LARIAT and COUNTERS with an UPPERCUT that Droz barely dodges. USING HIS GRAVITY POWERS, he LOCKS the ANT KING’S FEET to the MAT as MIKE TYSON DASHES FORWARD.

“GIGATON PUNCH!” IRON MIKE SCREAMS, but the ANT KING HEADSLIPS past the BLOW and LANDS AN ELBOW on TYSON’S BIG, FLAT NOSE. As Tyson STAGGERS, ANT KING fires a .357 MAGNUM point BLANK in TYSON’S FACE, sending him sprawling against the mat. DROZ FLIES IN and SLAMS A KITCHEN SINK into the ANT KING’S RIBS, causing the INSECT WARRIOR to BUCKLE. As the ANT KING hunches over, he NAILS DROZ IN THE DAMN NUTS with his HEEL AND HITS THE DIAMOND CUTTER.

J.R.: DIAMOND CUTTER! DIAMOND CUTTER!

WEED MACHINE RUSHES FORWARD and LAYS DOWN A THICK FIELD of SMOKE. As the ANT KING stumbles through the blinding smoke, RAPID FIRE BLOWS RAIN DOWN ON ALL DIRECTIONS.

“COME CLOSER YA THUNDAH PUSSY!!” ANT KING SCREAMS before an AXE HANDLE sends him to the MAT. WITH A BISON BOOT STOMP, WEED MACHINE LANDS ON THE ANT KING’S SPINE, PINNING HIM TO THE GROUND.

W.W.: AAAANT KEEEENG!

As the Ant King struggles on the mat, he reaches for his AK-47 and unloads a CLIP into the WEED MACHINE’S CHEST. However, being encased in FUTURISTIC SPACE METALS, the bullets only manage to knock him off balance and off the Ant King’s spine. The Ant King slips within the WEED FOG as the CYBORG regains his BALANCE.

Looking through the dense smoke, he sees the ANT KING leaning in the corner, the AK-47 clutched in his hands. With INCREDIBLE SPEED, Weed Machine rockets forward and DRIVES HIS FIST through THE ANT KING’S GUT. With a KA-CHOONG, a WEED SMOKE CANISTER FIRES, CAUSING THE FUCKING ANT KING TO EXPLODE!

W.W.: NO!

J.R.: BAH GAWD, THEY JUST KILLED THE ANT KING! AGAIN!

But as the SMOKE BEGINS to FADE, Weed Machine realizes it’s not the ANT KING AT ALL, it’s just his EXO-SKELETON. SUDDENLY, A FUCKING DIGUSTING LAFFY TAFFY VERSION OF THE ANT KING APPEARS FROM BEHIND WEED MACHINE and HITS a TITANIC GERMAN SUPLEX!

W.W.: YEAH!

The gooey looking Ant King turns his head to see Theldorrin standing in the center of the ring, beside Archibald Orwellington. As he steps forward, THE UNMISTAKABLE OF VISAGE OF DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON APPEARS BEFORE THE ANT KING.

J.R.: THE FUCKING ROCK?! HE’S HERE?!

W.W.: NOT THE ROCK!

WITH A CRANED EYEBROW, THE ROCK INSTANTLY SLAMS HIS ARM AROUND THE ANT KING’S CHEST, LEAPS INTO THE AIR, AND DRIVES THE ANT KING INTO THE MAT WITH A FUCKING ROCK BOTTOM! BOOOOOOOOM!

J.R.: ROCK BOTTOM! ROCK BOTTOM! HE SENT HIM STRAIGHT TAH HELLLL!

The ANT KING’s throat FIRES OFF A BALL OF BLOOD which lands on Theldorrin’s lapel. Archibald Orwellington retrieves a handkerchief from his jacket and lightly removes the stain. Droz, Tyson, and Weed Machine all rise to their feet and prod towards the ANT KING. Grabbing him by his arms, they bring him to his knees as Theldorrin approaches.

“We had an agreement,” Theldorrin mutters, leaning down towards the Ant King’s vein-covered face. “I gave you this body in exchange for your devotion. Since you did not meet your end of the bargain, I’ll do with this body as I see fit.”

AND WITH THAT, THELDORRIN CRUSHES THE ANT KING’S KNEE WITH HIS ITALIAN LEATHER SHOE.

W.W.: This isn’t RIGHT! This isn’t FAIR! What did the Ant King ever do to these assholes?!

One by one, the members of ALEPH take TURNS beating the HOLY SHIT out of ANT KING. UPPERCUTS, ELBOWS, KNEES, NUT SHOTS, all these rain down on the Ant King’s unprotected flesh. Blood sprays from his wounds, a thick, crimson mist hanging in the air.

J.R.: Goddamnit, THAT’S ENOUGH! How is SIX ON ONE FAIR?

Tyson, Droz, and Weed Machine take the boots to the rubbery Ant King as the other three members of Aleph watch on. Taking a cigar, Orwellington kneels down and puts it out in ANT KING’S GIANT EYE. Soon, a thick pool of RADIOACTIVE ANT BLOOD surrounds the INSECT WARRIOR. Theldorrin halts his comrades and steps towards the Ant King.

“At any moment this torture could end,” Theldorrin says. “Have you finally come to your senses?”

The ANT KING’s head suddenly SNAPS UP as he POPS A VICIOUS BONER.

“BRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEENG IT ON YAAAAA F-F-F-F-F-F-FUUUUUCKIN’ BITCH!!” THE ANT KING SCREAMS BLOOD in THELDORRIN’S BANDANGED FACE. With a sigh, Theldorrin turns to his comrades, and then immediately PLUNGES HIS FIST straight through the ANT KING’S CHEST!

W.W.: NO!!

Ant King’s SOFT MUSCULATURE immediately MELTS around Theldorrin’s hand as it dips into his chest cavity. Theldorrin retrieves his hand, bringing along one of the Ant King’s heart.

“It’s common knowledge you have six hearts, Ant King,” Theldorrin mutters. “At least, until you lost one during your fight with Nguyen.” Theldorrin holds the PULSATING ANT HEART in his PALM and suddenly it starts HISSING like a TEA KETTLE before EXPLODING as if it were put in a MICROWAVE. Wiping his hand on the mat, Theldorrin DRIVES HIS FIST back into the ANT KING’S CHEST ONCE AGAIN.

J.R.: THAT BASTARD! HE’S GONNA KILL HIM! HE’S GONNA KILL THE ANT KING RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS ARENA.

POP! “Three,” Theldorrin mutters before taking another heart, “And … two.”

W.W.: I … I can’t take this, Jim. Despite how Theldorrin could basically destroy us all … I … I can’t turn on the ANT KING. HE’S MY BEST FRIEND! I remember the time we both drove the ANTBUGGY to this abortion clinic and did donuts in the parking lots for several hours while waving our dicks at everyone who entered. Then … sniff … then we burst through the wall and took all the fetuses and forced the mothers to eat them. Oh God …

J.R.: Warrior …

W.W.: I wanted him … to marry my daughter … if only my seed weren’t so fucking manly that even if I jerk off into a wad of tissue paper is grows a fucking nutsack.

THELDORRIN’S FINGERS REACH TOWARDS ANT KING’S FINAL HEART WHEN SUDDENLY THEY ARE TORN FROM HIS HAND!

W.W.: WHAT THE FUCK?!

J.R.: THELDORRIN … HIS HAND …

JUST THEN, NICK AND AL SPARTA DESCEND FROM THE RAFTERS, NICK SPARTA FIRING RAZOR-SHARP FORCEFIELDS AT THELDORRIN!

J.R.: IT’S FUCKING SPARTA!

W.W.: GOD BLESS THEM!!

With BLINDING SPEED, “IRON” MIKE TYSON DASHES FORWARD with his RIGHT FIST EXTENDED, only to have it DEFLECTED BY A GIANT BONE BOOMERANG. Tyson looks up to see THRAK LAND IN THE RING, beside the Sparta brothers.

J.R.: AND NOW THRAK!

W.W.: YES FUCK YEAH YES!

As WEED MACHINE moves forward, his BONG GUNS ready to fire, a RIGHTEOUS GUITAR RIFF TEARS THROUGH THE ARENA, temporarily OVERLOADING the CYBORG’S PROGRAMMING. AXELROD WAYLYN DROPS into the RING, a CIGARETTE hanging from his lip and his GUITAR in his HANDS.

J.R.: AND WAYLYN!

W.W.: THE ANT KING … HE MIGHT BE SAVED!

“You incessant little twats,” Orwellington rasps as he draws a huge revolver from his coat. HE TAKES AIM and FIRES, A FIGURE APPEARS BEFORE HIM and takes the BULLET RIGHT IN THE CHEST. Orwellington looks up to see that it’s SUPER AGENT HARRY UNDERWOOD IN WEREBEAR FORM!

W.W.: AJKFHKAHGGASF!!

J.R.: THESE FIVE MEN ARE THE ONLY ONES BRAVE ENOUGH TO STAND UP THELDORRIN AND HIS TYRANNICAL ORGANIZATION!

“Hm,” Theldorrin says, looking at the blood squirting from his hand, not particularly noticing the confrontation happening inside the ring.

DARREN DROZDOV UNFURLS HIS MASSIVE GOON TONGUE AND LICKS HIS LIPS AS HE STARES DOWN THE SPARTA BROTHERS.

“OOK,” mutters Thrak as he LOCKS EYES with TYSON. “OOK,” TYSON RESPONDS, the TENSION so thick you could CUT WITH A CHAINSAW.

Random FUMES eject from the EXHAUST BONGS on Weed Machine’s body as AXELROD WAYLYN strums a few chords. “This is what I’m going to play at your funeral,” Waylyn smiles.

UNDERWOOD’S BODY TWITCHES ERRATICALLY as all his RAGE DESPERATELY SEEKS an OUTLET. Archibald Orwellington undoes the buttons on his suit jacket, one by one, and tosses it away to REVEAL AN ABSURDLY CHISELED FRAME with BICEPS the SIZE OF WATERMELONS.

J.R.: IT’S ON! FTUW VS. ALEPH!

FWOOOOOM! THE EIGHT FIGHTERS (excluding the unconscious Sparta) DASH TOWARDS ONE ANOTHER. NICK SPARTA FIRES OFF RAZOR SHARP FORCEFIELDS but DROZ PUSHES THROUGH AS THEY SLASH OPEN HIS SKIN. THRAK AND TYSON EXCHANGE VIOLENT PUNCHING FLURRIES, THEIR INHUMAN STRENGTH ROCKING EACH OTHER’S BODIES. POWERFUL SOUND WAVES TEAR THROUGH WEED MACHINE, causing SPARKS to fly from the LACERATIONS FORMING ON ARMOR. UNDERWOOD AND ORWELLINGTON INTERLOCK FINGERS AND IMMEDIATELY BEGIN A TEST OF STRENGTH.

DROZ LEAPS into the AIR and HITS A GRAVITY-AIDED FACEBUSTER, DRIVING NICK SPARTA’S FACE INTO THE MAT. SHIELDING AGAINST ALL OF THRAK’S BLOWS, TYSON SLIPS IN and UPPERCUTS HIS COMICALLY OVERSIZED JAW, SENDING HIM AIRBORNE. THE FUMES THAT ARE WEED MACHINE EXIT HIS METAL BODY and FLY INTO AXELROD’S THROAT, CAUSING HIM TO CHOKE. ORWELLINGTON OVERPOWERS UNDERWOOD, HITTING A *BRITISH* BULLDOG THAT SLAMS HARRY’S FAST INTO A RING POST, SPIKING THE POST INTO THE GROUND LIKE A STAKE.

W.W.: NO! NO!

With NICK SPARTA down, ALESSANDRO SPARTA dives THROUGH THE AIR and HITS A GRAVITY-AIDED AXEHANDLE that one of DROZ’ VERTEBRAE TO SHIFT. As Droz ATTEMPTS to MANIPULATE GRAVITY BACK, the ENTIRE AREA around the TWO FIGHTERS begins to TWIST and WARP.

As the UNHOLY PUNCHES of TYSON pierce through THRAK’S ARMOR, SNAPPING HIS BONES, he DESPERATELY GRABS SOMETHING and SHOVES IT INTO TYSON’S MOUTH. TYSON FALLS BACK, CLAWING AT HIS THROAT BEFORE SCREAMING IN AGONY AND VOMITING UP A TORRENT OF PREHISTORIC BEES.

Waylyn DROPS HIS GUITAR and begins to STUMBLE FORWARD into a STUPOR before he BLOWS OUT WEED MACHINE’S ESSENCE in RINGS OF SMOKE. Machine RETURNS to his BODY, STUNNED, as Waylyn grins and says “Like that pussy shit could even faze me …”

As ORWELLINGTON places HARRY UNDERWOOD into a PILEDRIVER, UNDERWOOD KICKS HIS FEET until THEY TOPPLE OVER AND THE PILEDRIVER IS REVERSED. UNDERWOOD BEGINS SCREAMING OBSCENITIES BEFORE LEAPING INTO THE AIR, SPINNING TEN TIMES, AND COMING DOWN ON ARCHIBALD’S HEAD, BURYING HIM WITH A REVERSE PILEDRIVER.

J.R.: THEY’RE DOING IT! TEAM FTUW IS PUSHING BACK THE UNSTOPPABLE ALEPH!

The four fighting members of ALEPH climb to their FEET and STARE AT THEIR OPPONENTS. As they begin to CHARGE IN AGAIN, THELDORRIN HALTS THEM.

“Stop this,” Theldorrin says. “You four are just embarrassing yourselves.”

“B-BUT THELDORRIN, we CAN BEAT THIS FUCKING FAGGOTS, I KNOW IT!” DROZ SCREAMS.

“I don’t have time for that,” Theldorrin replies. “Aleph is only an organization of the most powerful. You four should have obliterated these wrestlers in seconds but all you have done is made fools of yourselves.”

“B-BUT SIR!”

“Quiet, Droz,” Theldorrin says. “This will be ended now.”

AND THAT’S WHEN THE ROCK STEPS FORWARD.

“Make it quick, Rock.”

WITH HIS EYES COVERED IN SUNGLASSES, THE FIVE WARRIORS STARE DOWN THE WRESTLING GOD KNOWN AS THE ROCK. UNMOVING, UNFLINCHING, THE ROCK STANDS THERE LIKE A STATUE, NOT SAYING A WORD. SUDDENLY, AN INTENSE AURA EMANATES FROM HIS BODY AND THE RING BEGINS TO WARP FROM THE HEAT DISTORTION.

J.R.: YOU CAN’T MEAN … THE ROCK IS GOING TO FIGHT ALL FIVE BY HIMSELF?

And then suddenly, THE ROCK IS GONE. THRAK, WAYLYN, UNDERWOOD, AND AL SPARTA ALL TURN AROUND TO SEE THE ROCK IS BEHIND THEM, STARING OFF INTO THE DISTANCE. THEN THEY ALL COLLAPSE, THEIR BODIES TURNING INTO MANGLED HEAPS OF BROKEN BONE AND SHREDDED MUSCLE.

J.R.: BAH GAWD!! HOW DID HE … WE DIDN’T EVEN SEE IT!

W.W.: FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!

“Sh-Shit …” Waylyn mutters out, trying to reach for his guitar but finds he doesn’t have the strength. Thrak attempts to stand but can’t on his destroyed legs. Al Sparta pulls himself to the corner, trying desperately to flee from the OMNIPOTENT POWER of THE ROCK. UNDERWOOD SLIPS INTO UNCONSCIOUS, the hair on his BODY receding into his SKIN.

Wrapping the handkerchief around his bleeding hand, Theldorrin steps forward to address the crowd.

“I think I’ve made my point, although it took such a crude display to do so,” Theldorrin says, his voice booming through the loudspeakers. “You can ignorantly revel in your violence, raping this land and turning this country into a nightmarish wasteland. This federation will amount to nothing, a pointless parade of death. Your FTUW Superstars are like retarded babies outside the walls of New America. I am the one who manipulates the governments of this world. I rule this planet. Be thankful I didn’t wipe this continent off the face of this Earth.”

J.R.: Four of our strongest superstars, destroyed in the blink of an eye. CAN ANYONE STOP ALEPH?!

“There is NO ONE walking this Earth that can DEFEAT ME,” THELDORRIN UTTERS. THEN SUDDENLY, A HUGE FUCKING EXPLOSION ROCKS THE ARENA!

J.R.: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!

W.W.: HOLY SHIT, LOOK!

A GIANT CANNONBALL MADE OF CORPSES BURSTS THROUGH ONE SIDE OF THE THUNDERDOME AND CRASHES INTO THE AUDIENCE, KILLING DOZENS. FROM THE HOLE POURS OUT A LEGION OF MUTATED WARRIORS, SICK DEGENERATES WHO BEGIN SLAUGHTERING THE FANS TO EASE THEIR BLOODLUST. AS LOUD WAR DRUMS DEAFEN EVERYONE IN THE THUNDERDOME, A SHAPE APPEARS TOWERING OVER THE ARENA WALL. IT IS A HEAD, SILHOUETTED AGAINST THE FULL MOON.

IT IS ZEED, THE CONQUERER.

W.W.: ZEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED!!

THE GIANT STEPS INTO THE ARENA, THE CROWD SCURRYING AROUND HIS FEET IN TERROR. HE MARCHES SLOWLY TOWARDS THE RING, MAKING A GRAND GESTURE AS A SMUG SMIRK IS PLASTERED ACROSS HIS JEWELRY ADORNED FACE.

BOOOOOOOOOOOM!! SUDDENLY, THE OPPOSITE WALL CRUMBLES, CRASHING ON TOP OF DOZENS OF FANS AND MURDERING THEM. POURING OUT FROM THE HOLE IS HUNDREDS OF CHINESE WARRIORS, WIELDING SPEARS AND OTHER FANCY ORIENTAL WEAPONS. FROM THE HOLE EMERGES MASTER ELEPHANT. ON TOP OF MASTER ELEPHANT IS THE HORSE TIAN MA, RIDING THE ELEPHANT. AND RIDING THE HORSE IS A MAN CLAD IN A CRIMSON AND GOLD CHEONGSAM, HIS HAIR EXQUISITELY BRAIDED AND HIS WISPY CHINAMEN MUSTACHE FINELY WAXED.

HE IS ZHOU SHI-SHIN, THE CHINESE KOMBO KING.

W.W.: ZHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!!

THE CROWD IS TURNED TO HOT SLUSH AS THE TWO WARRING FORCES EVISCERATE EVERYTHING IN THEIR PATH AS THEY HEAD TOWARDS THE GOAL, THE RING. THE VERY RING THAT THELDORRIN AND HIS MINIONS ARE STANDING IN.

“SO THEN, ZHOU SHI-SHIN … ARE YOU READY TO EMBRACE YOUR AGONIZING DEATH,” SHOUTS ZEED, SALIVATING.

“HMPH! YOU’VE BEEN A MISERABLE BLIGHT ON THIS WORLD FOR FAR TOO LONG, ZEED,” ZHOU SHI-SHIN RESPONDS, HIS ARMS FOLDED.

Irritated, DARREN DROZDOV LEAPS UP ONTO THE TURNBUCKLE and POINTS A FUCKING FINGER AT THE FIFTEEN FOOT TALL ZEED.

“WHAT’S THE FUCKING BIG IDEA YOU GIANT FAGGOT?!” DROZ SCREAMS. “WHO SAID YOU COULD INTERRUPT THELDORRIN’S SPEECH?”

“Droz …” Theldorrin mutters.

“WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARARRRKKG!!” DROZ SCREAMS AS ZEED CUTS IN HALF WITH ONE FLICK OF HIS FUCKING WRIST!

J.R.: BAAAAAAAAH GAAAAAAWD!! HE KILLED HIM! ZEED HAS KILLED DROZ!

“HOW LONG I’VE WAITED FOR THIS DAY,” ZEED SMILES, COMPLETELY IGNORING THE FACT HE JUST MURDERED DARREN DROZDOV.

“AS HAVE I,” REPLIES ZHOU SHI-SHIN.

Droz’ TWO HALVES bounce against the mat, DROZ weakly WHEEZING as blood pours from his body. With a sigh, Theldorrin kneels down beside him.

“What do you want us to do, sir?” asks Orwellington.

“There’s no we can do to these monsters,” Theldorrin says. “But no matter. Let these horrible beasts destroy each other. It’s not of our concern.”

Grabbing Droz’s shoulder, SUDDENLY ALL SIX MEMBERS OF ALEPH VANISH INTO THIN AIR!

J.R.: THEY’RE … THEY’RE GONE!

W.W.: HURRY, GET THE ANT KING OF THE FUCKING RING!

FTUW STAFF DESPERATELY RUSH TO GRAB THE ANT KING AND THE MEN WHO TRIED TO SAVE HIM as the TWO CATACLYSMIC DISASTERS CONTINUE MOVING TOWARDS THE RING. ZEED STEPS INTO THE RING, NEARLY CAUSING IT TO COLLAPSE UNDER HIS WEIGHT, AS ZHOU SHI-SHIN DESCENDS FROM HIS HORSE AND FLIES DOWN.

ZHOU SHI-SHIN AND ZEED STARE AT ONE ANOTHER, UNGODLY PRESSURES EMANATING FROM THEIR BODIES. THE ARENA GETS TEN DEGREES HOTTER JUST FROM THEIR FUCKING POWER. EVERYONE IN THE ARENA STOPS, UNABLE TO KILL ANYONE SINCE THE TENSION IS TOO MADDENING. PEOPLE BEGIN PUKING UP THEIR GUTS EVERYWHERE AS THE STAREDOWN CONTINUES.

J.R.: IT’S HAPPENING … OUR MAIN EVENT … THE FATE OF NEW AMERICA WILL BE DECIDED AFTER THIS DEATH MATCH!!
Vinny
[00:10] How can you get an erect dick into your own ass?
Joined: 16 Jan 2007
Posts: 5181
(Sat Oct 13, 2007 1:33 pm)
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Post     Re: FTUW's Roy Jonze Jr. Presents: Super Taboo Tuesday II!

J.R.: OUR MAIN EVENT! ZEED VS. ZHOU SHI-SHIN! HISTORY WILL BE CHANGED WITH THIS MATCH, NO DOUBT ABOUT IT.

THE RING IN WHICH THE TWO DIVINE FISTS STAND LOOKS LIKE THE FUCKING SAHARA FROM ALL THE HEAT DISTORTION DUE TO THEIR INSUFFERABLY HUGE POWERS. THE TWO HAVE LOCKED EYES FOR THE PAST THREE MINUTES, EACH WAITING FOR AN OPENING.

W.W.: I … I CAN’T FUCKING TAKE THIS, JIM. IF I HAD A FACE, I’D RIP IT OFF. THIS IS TOO FUCKING INTENSE!

ONE FAN TAKES A SOLDIER’S SPEAR AND IMPALES HIMSELF, UNABLE TO ENDURE THE TENSION ANY LONGER. ONE GUY DIGS OUT HIS EYES WHILE ANOTHER IS FEVERISHLY MASTURBATING SO HARD HE ACCIDENTALLY RIPS HIS DICK SKIN OFF. THE FANS AND THE TWO ARMIES ALIKE ARE FROZEN IN AWE AT THIS SPECTACLE.

THEN SUDDENLY, TWO GIANT FUCKING WALLS RISE UP FROM THE ARENA FLOOR!

J.R.: BAH GAWD! WHAT IS THAT?!

W.W.: IS IT A TRAP?!

THE WALLS RISE UP AND FORM A GIANT TITANIUM DOME OVER THE RING, LOCKING ZEED AND ZHOU SHI-SHIN INSIDE! THE DOME, TAKING UP NEARLY FIVE ROWS, IS OVER FIFTY FUCKING FEET TALL WITH TEN FOOT THICK WALLS. THERE IS NO ESCAPE FROM A STRUCTURE THAT HUGE, EVEN FOR ZEED AND THE CHINESE KOMBO KING!

THEN, THE FAGGOTRON LIGHTS UP, SHOWING THE SMILING, LEATHERY VISAGE OF FTUW’S OWNER, BARON HOITY VON TOITY!

“HELLO, FTUW FANS! ARE YOU READY FOR OUR FINAL MATCH?” TOITY SAYS GLEEFULLY. “What I’ve taken here is SIMPLY a PRECAUTION. You see, the DOME was DEVELOPED so that neither Zeed or Zhou could get out before their fight is over. MORE IMPORTANTLY, it was developed so no one could get IN. We can’t sully the fight of the century with outside interference, right?”

W.W.: THEN HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO FUCKING WATCH IT?!

“I’m glad you asked that Warrior. On this SCREEN, of COURSE! Now ENJOY, GENTLEMAN!” TOITY’S FACE FADES from the SCREEN, and IN ITS PLACE IS ZHOU AND ZEED STANDING IN THE CENTER OF THE RING, CONTINUING THEIR STAREDOWN, APPARENTLY OBLIVIOUS TO THE FACT THEY’VE BEEN ENCASED IN A TITANIUM DOME.

As the WARRIORS WATCH ON, they soon become RESTLESS. ONE SCREAMS “DOOOOO SOMETHING!” BEFORE PLUNGING A SPEAR INTO AN ENEMY SOLDIER. ANOTHER SOLDIER RETALIATES BY CHOPPING OFF HIS HEAD WITH A GIANT PAIR OF HEDGECLIPPERS. SOON THE GIANT MUTANTS AND CHINESE MARTIAL ARTISTS DECIDE TO WAGE WAR RIGHT IN THE FUCKING THUNDERDOME, WITH THE FANS AS COLLATERAL DAMAGE!

J.R.: THE ARMIES OF ZHOU SHI-SHIN AND ZEED ARE CLASHING RIGHT HERE AND NOW, FOLKS! WE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE!

W.W.: WE CAN’T FUCKING LEAVE, JIM. WHAT ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MATCH?!

---------

High above all the slaughter stands a man in the rafters. A cloaked man, carrying a gavel on his back. The Black Judge.

“A fucking dome,” rasps THE BLACK JUDGE as HE WATCHES FROM THE RAFTERS. “How am I supposed to get in there?”

“I don’t know, Judge,” rings out Prometheus Jones’ voice in John Baines’ headset. “It seems Toity is more clever than we thought.”

“We can’t let this fucking opportunity get away!” the Judge shouts. “We’ve been planning this for months! The only way for New America to achieve peace is for those two monsters to be killed!”

“And how do you suppose you get inside?” Jones asks.

“I’ll find a way,” the Judge replies as he stares down at the carnage.

---------

WITH THE TWO FIGHTERS STILL NOT HAVING MADE THEIR FIRST MOVE, AN OCEAN of DEATH WASHES THROUGH THE ARENA. Hundreds of ARROWS FLY from ONE SIDE of the ARENA and SLAM into the OTHER, KILLING MORE FANS THAN SOLDIERS. The assorted and diverse freaks that compose ZEED’S ARMY CHARGE INTO THE FRAY, SWINGING DULL MACHETES into ANYTHING BREATHING.

A GIANT MAN WHOSE BODY IS COVERED IN FISTS BEGINS ROLLING DOWN THE AISLES, PUMMELING ANYTHING IN HIS PATH INTO PULP. A GROUP OF SEVEN GOLDEN WARRIORS BEGIN FLYING ACROSS THE ARENA, DECAPITATING EVERYONE BELOW THEM WITH QUICK SWORD STRIKES. SUDDENLY, A GIANT FLYING OCTOPUS ENTERS THE ARENA AND BEGINS WRAPPING ITS TENTACLES AROUND THE WARRIORS OF ZHOU, TEARING THEM APART.

A LEG LANDS ON THE ANNOUNCER’S TABLE, CAUSING J.R. TO SHIT.

J.R.: GODDAMNIT, WE’RE GOING TO DIE.

W.W.: WARRIOR DOESN’T BELIEVE IN DEATH!

J.R.: OF COURSE YOU DO! AND WE’RE GOING TO DIE!

TWO VEIN-COVERED, SUPER MUSCULAR MONKS TUCK THEMSELVES INTO BALLS AND BEGIN BOUNCING THROUGH THE CROWD, CRUSHING HELPLESS FANS AND ENEMY SOLDIERS ALIKE. A ZEED FANATIC, STRAPPED WITH C4 AND RAILROAD SPIKES, DIVES INTO A THRONG OF ZHOU WARRIORS AND DETONATES HIMSELF. THE RAILROAD SPIKES ARE PROPELLED BY THE EXPLOSIONS, TEARING DOZENS IN HALF.

EXPLOSIONS OF BLOOD ARE NOW FIRING OUT OF THE AUDIENCE PERIODICALLY, CAUSING CRIMSON TO RAIN FROM THE FUCKING SKY. ONE HALF-MAN, HALF-SHARK RIDES A SURFBOARD ON A RIVER A BLOOD WHILE SWINGING A BALL AND CHAIN. TIAN MA (ZHOU’S HORSE) DRIVES MASTER ELEPHANT INTO BATTLE, CRUSHING THE ENEMY UNDER ITS RETARDEDLY OVERSIZED (EVEN FOR AN ELEPHANT) FEET.

---------

Within the TITANIUM DOME, FIVE MINUTES HAVE PASSED SINCE THE DEATH MATCH between ZEED AND ZHOU-SHIN HAS BEGUN. The FIRST TO BREAK THIS EPIC STILLNESS is ZHOU SHI-SHIN as he VIOLENTLY COUGHS INTO HIS FIST. The HACKING produces a SCANT AMOUNT of BLOOD that ZEED notices, MUCH TO HIS DELIGHT.

”Time hasn’t been kind to you, Zhou Shi-Shin,” Zeed mutters in what is officially the deepest voice audible to the human ear.

“I don’t have to live much longer,” Zhou replies. “Just long enough to tear out your throat!”

“I have live for over TWO THOUSAND YEARS, ZHOU SHI-SHIN, and I PLAN TO LIVE for ANOTHER TWO MORE,” ZEED GRINS. “No matter HOW MUCH TRAINING you UNDERGO will never be able to defeat THE DIVINE PERFECTION that is my BODY. You can NEVER hope to WIN.”

“This is not a fight, Zeed,” Zhou Shi-Shin. “As you are not a man. You are merely a beast and I’m here to hunt you.”

SUDDENLY, ZEED RAISES HIS FIST AND CLENCHES THEM TIGHTLY, PERHAPS THE FIRST TIME HE’S EVER TAKEN A FIGHTING STANCE IN BATTLE.

“THIS IS EXCITING. EXHILARATING!” ZEED HOWLS, HIS TWO COCKS STIFFENING UNDER HIS LOIN CLOTH.

ZHOU SHI-SHIN MOVES INTO HIS KUNG FU STANCE, HIS MOVEMENTS FOLLOWED BY AFTER IMAGES.

“THE EAST IS BURNING RED, ZEED!!”

---------

THE BLACK JUDGE CHARGES THROUGH THE THRONG OF HUMANITY, BODY PARTS AND ARROWS WHIZZING PAST HIS HEAD AND HE HACKS AWAY WITH HIS GAVEL, TURNING ANYONE IN HIS PATH INTO MULCH. SUDDENLY, A TORRENT OF FUCKING BLOOD HITS THE BLACK JUDGE IN THE FACE, KNOCKING HIM DOWN A FEW AISLES. As he COLLECTS HIS BEARING, A GOON WIELDING A GIANT CHEESE GRATER RIDING A TWO HEADED HORSE APPEARS BEFORE HIM.

“LET’S PARTY!” HE SCREAMS, SLAMMING THE CHEESE GRATER INTO THE BLACK JUDGE. TEARING HIS FLESH, THE JUDGE IS FLUNG INTO ANOTHER AISLE BY THE ATTACK. The GOON keeps CHASE and CONTINUES SWINGING HIS RETARDEDLY HUGE CHEESE GRATER, BLACK JUDGE DEFLECTING WITH HIS GAVEL TO SAVE HIS LIFE. WITH A MIGHTY SWING, JUDGE MANAGES TO EXPLODE THE CHEESE GRATER, SENDING THE BLADES FLYING INTO THE GOON’S GODDAMNED FACE.

“GYAAAAAH!” the GOON SCREAMS. THE BLACK JUDGE SWINGS HIS GAVEL AGAIN, KNOCKING THE TWO HEADS OFF HIS MUTANT HORSE. AS THE HORSE BODY BUCKS WILDLY, THE GOON IS THROWN FORWARD, STRAIGHT AT THE JUDGE. JOHN BAINES SWINGS AGAIN, HIS GAVEL TEARING INTO THE GOON’S STOMACH AND RIPPING OUT HIS INTESTINES. STILL ROTATING, THE JUDGE SPINS AROUND ONCE AND JAMS THE INTESTINES STRAIGHT UP THE GOON’S ASS. JUST THEN, ACTUAL SHIT BEGINS FLYING OUT OF THE GOON’S MOUTH AS HE SCREAMS.

“Fucking sick, brutal beasts,” the Judge says as he continues HAMMERING like MARIO in the ORIGINAL DONKEY KONG, desperately PUSHING HIS WAY TOWARDS THE TITANIUM DOME.

---------

On Zeed’s side of the arena, GOONS are LOADING UP BODIES into the CATAPAULTS and DOUSING THEM WITH GASOLINE before LAUNCHING THE FLAMING HUNKS OF MEAT at ZEED’s SIDE. THE CHINESE KOMBO KING’S CAVALRY TEARS ASS through the ARENA, LIQUIFYING GOONS by SPINNING THEIR SPEARS like OSCILLATING FANS. THEY SPIN THEIR SPEARS SO FAST THEY ACTUALLY CREATE A SMALL TORNADO OF INTERNAL ORGANS AROUND THEM.

One ZHOU SOLDIER is FLUNG through the air before it CRASHES on the FTUW ANNOUNCER’S TABLE. The body CONVULSES before it BURSTS, RELEASING HUNDREDS OF SPIDERS FOR SOME MOTHERFUCKING REASON. JIM ROSS GRABS AT HIS CHEST, PLEADING WITH HIS HEART NOT TO EXPLODE.

J.R.: Has this cowboy ate his last rack of Oklahoma barbeque ribs?

W.W.: JIM, SHUT UP AND LOOK THIS.

WARRIOR POINTS AT THE BLOOD-STAINED FAGGOTRON, WHERE ZEED AND ZHOU-SHIN ARE IN THEIR FIGHTING STANCES.

J.R.: BAH GAAAAWD!! IT’S ABOUT TO HAPPEN! THE FIGHT IS ABOUT TO BEGIN!

SOON, ONE BY ONE SOLDIERS from BOTH ARMIES notice that their LEADERS are ABOUT TO DUEL. THEY STOP THEIR SLAUGHTER IN ANTICIPATION OF THAT FIRST BLOW.

AND, AND …

BOOOOOOOOOM!! ZEED AND ZHOU-SHIN COLLIDE, BOTH PUNCHING EACHOTHER’S FISTS. THE CAMERA SHAKES FUCKING THE INTENSE IMPACT. BOOOOOOOOM!! THEY COLLIDE AGAIN, THEIR ATTACKS COMPLETELY CANCELING EACH OTHER OUT. THE CAMERA LOOKS LIKE IT’S GOING THROUGH A FUCKING EARTHQUAKE.

“ZEEEEED!” ZHOU SCREAMS.

“ZHOUUU!” ZEED SCREAMS.

ZHOU SHI-SHIN LEAPS MAGNIFICENTLY INTO THE AIR AS ZEED THROWS A MASSIVE CHOPPING RIGHT. THEY FUCKING COLLIDE, CAUSING THE CAMERAS TO FUCKING *EXPLODE*! THE FAGGOTRON IS REDUCED TO STATIC.

SILENCE FALLS OVER THE STADIUM.

---------

“WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS THIS SHIT?!” TOITY SCREAMS FROM WITHIN HIS ZEPPELIN FLYING HIGH ABOVE THE THUNDERDOME. HE RUNS UP TO HICKENBOTTOM AND GRABS HIM BY THE THROAT.

“SIR … THERE’S BEEN SOME … SORT OF MALFUNCTION,” HICKEBOTTOM CHOKES OUT.

“MAL-FUCKING-FUNCTION?!” TOITY SAYS, HIS EYES BULGING AND HIS SKIN BRIGHT RED. “IN THE BIGGEST MATCH OF THE CENTURY?! YOU BETTER FUCKING FIX IT!”

“W-WE’RE TRYING …” HICKENBOTTOM SHOUTS before TOITY HURLS HIM INTO A WALL.

“DON’T TRY. DO! DOOOO!” TOITY SCREAMS, DROPKICKING A RANDOM SERVANT THROUGH THE ZEPPELIN WINDOW, SENDING HIM TO HIS DEATH.

---------

W.W.: No … more … fighting?

The remaining warriors living pause for a moment, look at one other in disbelief, THEN START KILLING EACH OTHER ALL OVER AGAIN!

GEYSERS OF VISCERA FIRE OUT OF THE CROWD AS THE BLACK JUDGE CLAWS HIS WAY THROUGH THE WAR ZONE. USING A DEAD GOON WITH A DRILL ON HIS HEAD AS A BATTERING RAM, HE BORES THROUGH WARRIORS AS HE TRUDGES KNEE DEEP IN THE DEAD.

As the Black Judge gets EVER CLOSER to the RING, suddenly EIGHT GOONS STANDING ON TOP OF EACH OTHER, FEET TO SHOULDER, APPEAR WIELDING POWER SAWS.

“WE’RE THE FUCK BROS.,” THEY SCREAM IN UNISON BEFORE WHIPPING LIKE A SNAKE AT BLACK JUDGE. KLINK! THE GAVEL DEFLECTS THE NUMEROUS POWER SAWS from THIS RETARDED GOON CONTRAPTION. The COLLIDING OF STEEL AGAINST STEEL CONTINUES until the JUDGE’S GUARD is BROKEN, and a POWER SAW TEARS into HIS SHOULDER.

“GAH!!” the JUDGE screams, falling to a knee. The Fuck Bros. begin CACKLING MANIACALLY before REARING BACK to STRIKE LIKE A COBRA. GRABBING HIS GAVEL, THE BLACK JUDGE SWINGS AND TAKES OUT THE BOTTOM BROTHER, TURNING HIM INTO GUTS. HE SWINGS AGAIN, TAKING OUT THE NEXT BROTHER, AND AGAIN, AND AGAIN, CHOPPING DOWN THIS TOTEM POLE OF RETARDED GOONERY.

THE LAST FUCK BROTHER BEGINS HOWLING FOR FORGIVENESS, BUT THE BLACK JUDGE JUST SPLATTERS HIM LIKE A WATERMELON BEFORE TAKING A HEARTY SHIT ON HIS BRAIN.

“M-Murrr … der …” the Judge mutters to himself incoherently. PROMETHEUS JONES voice RINGS OUT in his head.

“SNAP OUT OF IT!” SCREAMS JONES. “DON’T GET LOST IN THAT MADNESS.”

The Black Judge shakes his head, his FEELINGS OF EXTREME BLOODLUST beginning to FADE.

“Can you do this, Judge?”

“Yeah, I can …” the Judge says as he continues trudging towards the dome.

“Your injuries are pretty bad, Judge. These men are fighting Gods, two of the three Divine Fists. In your condition, I don’t think-“

“It doesn’t matter,” says Judge. “We aren’t going to have a fucking duel. I’m just here to finish off the winner …”

“Be careful, Judge,” Jones speaks before ending his transmission.

----------

W.W.: FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!! WHY DOES THIS SHIT ALWAYS HAPPEN TO MEEEEE?!

J.R.: SORRY for the INCONVIENENCE, FOLKS. We’re having some, uh, TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES. These things tend to happen TWO ARMIES WAGE WAR ON YOUR GODDAMNED STADIUM.

W.W.: SETTLE DOWN, JIM! WE’LL GET THROUGH THIS! WE’LL LIVE TO SEE MORE DEATH, I PROMISE YOU.

---------

Around the PERIMETER of the DOME is a WALL OF BODIES, NEARLY TEN FEET HIGH, with a RIVER of blood running between the DOME and THE WALL. AS SPEARS AND ARROWS AND CHAINSAWS ARE LAUNCHED THROUGH THE AIR, THE BLACK JUDGE RIDES A CORPSE LIKE A SNOWBOARD TO HIS FINAL DESTINATION.

“HERE WE ARE!” THE BLACK JUDGE SHOUTS, CRASHING the CORPSE into the DOME WALL. He slides down the TITANIUM DOME, landing in the lake of blood. Placing his hand against the titanium dome, he realizes its impenetrable.

“Just as I thought,” the Black Judge mutters. “Time for Plan B.”

Taking his HAMMER, HE RAISES IT ABOVE HIS HEAD and SLAMS IT INTO THE GROUND, CRATERING THE CONCRETE.

“I’LL JUST HAVE TO GO *UNDER* THE DOME!” SHOUTS THE BLACK JUDGE.

As HE BEGINS DIGGING AWAY with HIS HAMMER, the TWO BULGING, VEIN-COVERED MONKS DESCEND from the SKY, SURROUNDING THE JUDGE ON BOTH SIDES.

“Now what?” the Judge sighs.

“WE WILL NOT LET YOU INTERFERE WITH OUR LORD’S BATTLE!” THEY SHOUT IN UNISON.

----------

“SIR! SIR!” shouts WILSON P. HICKENBOTTOM as he rushes towards TOITY’S SIDE. “WE SEEM TO HAVE FOUND A WAY TO FIX THIS MESS!”

“WHAT IS IT?!” TOITY SCREAMS BACK, UPPERCUTTING A SERVANT IN THE PROCESS.

“THERE’S ONE CAMERA LEFT! It’ll just take a LITTLE TIME to get it back ONLINE …”

“WELL SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH AND GET BACK TO WORK!”

----------

As John Baines blocks one of the MONK’S ATTACKS, the OTHER SLAMS INTO HIS SPINE, SENDING HIM COLLIDING with the DOME with a SICKENING THUD. Grabbing his GAVEL, HE SWINGS it into a MONK’S VEINY CHEST only FOR HIM to TAKE THE BLOW HEAD ON.

“Motherfucker …” the Judge says. ONE OF THE MONKS CHARGES FORWARD, UNLEASHING a FLURRY OF KICKS and PUNCHES the Judge NARROWLY AVOIDS. The other MONK UPPERCUTS HIM FROM BEHIND, SENDING HIM AIRBORNE as the OTHER MONK springboards off his COMPANION to CHASE AFTER HIM. Nailing the JUDGE with an ELBOW in the GUT, the OTHER MONK DELIVERS A KNEE TO HIS SPINE, NEARLY CRIPPLING HIM!

“GUOOOOOH!” THE JUDGE HOWLS, SPITTING UP BLOOD.

The Judge lands face first in the river of blood surrounding the dome, his body battered and bruised. Looking up, he sees the two MONKS STANDING BESIDE ONE ANOTHER, their BULGING WHITE EYES AFFIXED ON HIM.

One MONK CURLS UP TIGHTLY into a BALL as the other MONK GRABS HIM. Lifting the MONK BALL ABOVE HIS HEAD, HIS MUSCLES BULGE INTENSELY AS HE HURLS THE FOUR HUNDRED POUND SPHERE OF MUSCULATURE.

“Goddamnit …” the Black Judge climbs to his feet as a VEINY MAN BALL FLIES TOWARDS HIM. Taking one finger, the JUDGE POINTS to THE NOSEBLEED SECTION. Grabbing his GAVEL, HE FUCKING HOMERUN SWINGS THE MONK BALL, LAUNCHING IT STRAIGHT BACK AT THE OTHER MONK. THE TWO FUCKING MONKS COLLIDE AND EXPLODE, ALL OF THEIR BODY PARTS BEING FLUNG UP INTO THE STANDS WHERE THE JUDGE POINTED.

The Judge breathes a sigh of relief, grabs his gavel, and begins DIGGING.

---------

MASTER ELEPHANT CHARGES THROUGH THE SOLDIERS, TURNING THEM INTO BLOOD CAKES, as HUNDREDS OF RETARD WITH POWER DRILLS LEAP ONTO ITS BODY with GRAPPLING HOOKS. They JAM the DRILLS into ITS BODY, CACKLING ALL THE WAY as ONE GOON CLIMBS to the TOP of MASTER ELEPHANT’S HEAD. Taking a JACKHAMMER, the GOON JERKS OFF IDLY AND HE PENETRATES THE ELEPHANT’S SKULL AND MAKES STEW OF ITS BRAINS.

MASTER ELEPHANT LETS OUT A DEATH ROAR AND CRASHES INTO THE SIDE OF THE DOME, THE TITANIUM STRUCTURE NOT BUDGING AN INCH DESPITE THE PREHISTORIC ELEPHANT MONSTER’S TREMENDOUS SIZE. TIAN MA BITES off the HEAD of the JACKHAMMER GOON and SHEDS A FEW TEARS for MASTER ELEPHANT before placing a pair of NUNCHAKU in its MOUTH and LEAPING INTO THE FRAY.

W.W.: OH GOD, I WANT TO FUCKING KILL PEOPLE SO FUCKING BAD BUT I’M AFRAID IF I LEAVE THE MATCH WILL START AND I’LL MISS IT.

J.R.: IT’S BEEN ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES SINCE ZEED AND ZHOU SHI-SHIN’S MATCH HAS STARTED AND IT’S PERFECTLY POSSIBLE THAT WE WILL DROWN TO DEATH FROM ALL THIS FUCKING BLOOD.

A BUNCH OF GOLDEN CLAD MARTIAL ARTS ASCEND INTO THE AIR and ATTACK ONE OF ZEED’S BLOOPERS. THEY KARATE KICK THROUGH THE OCTOPUS’ FLESH, TEARING IT APART FROM THE INSIDE AND SENDING IT GIANT CORPSE CRASHING INTO THE ARENA.

Just then, HIGH THE FUCK ABOVE THE ARENA stands ONE LONE GOON. Perched on the HIGHEST WALL OF THE THUNDERDOME, ON HIS CODPIECE IS A SIXTEEN FOOT LONG REPLICA OF COCK MADE ENTIRELY OUT OF DYNAMITE. THE MOON HITS HIM FROM BEHIND SO THAT HIS DYNAMITE COCK CASTS A SHADOW OVER THE ARENA.

Grabbing a lighter, HE IGNITES THE FUSE.

“GUH HUH HUH HUH HUH DURRRRRRRR!!,” THE GOON CACKLES AS HE SLOBBERS EVERYWHERE. HE FUCKING LEAPS OFF THE WALL AND FLIES DOWN TOWARDS THE ARENA, HIS DYNAMITE COCK AIMED FOR THE THUNDERDOME.

W.W.: WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS THAT CUNT SHIT?!

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!! DEAD BODIES AND BLOOD AND SHIT FUCK SHIT FLYING EVERYWHERE AS THE SEA-FARING THUNDERDOME TIPS SLIGHTLY. A FOURTH OF THE THUNDERDOME HAS BEEN DESTROYED YET THE TITANIUM DOME REMAINS PERFECTLY INTACT!

J.R.: BAAAAAH GAAAAWD!! AN EXPLOSION JUST ROCKED THE THUNDERDOME! AND … AND … IT LOOKS LIKE WE’RE SINKING!

THE THUNDERDOME TIPS TO ONE SIDE AS THE HUNDREDS AND HUNDREDS OF DEAD BODIES BEGIN ROLLING TOWARDS THE GAPING HOLE IN THE THUNDERDOME. BESIDE THE TITANIUM DOME THAT ZEED AND ZHOU SHI-SHIN ARE DUELING TO THE DEATH IN, A HOLE CAN BE SEEN …

---------

CRAAACK!! The FLOOR BURSTS OPEN, casting dust everywhere. FIRST, A GAVEL CAN BE SEEN POKING FROM THE ENTRANCE, AND THEN A HAND.

Grabbing onto the CANVAS, THE BLACK JUDGE PULLS HIMSELF OUT ONTO THE WRESTLING MAT AND INSIDE THE TITANIUM DOME!

Climbing up, he wipes the sweat from his brow and raises his head. Slowly, his eyes roll up and set their sights on a scene he can’t comprehend. His intestines twist, his heart stops, his mind shuts down. The Black Judge is completely in awe before he collapses to his knees and pukes his guts up.

“OH GOD …” THE BLACK JUDGE SAYS, QUAKING WITH FUCKING FEAR. “OH MY GOD …”

---------

“WE GOT IT UP! WE GOT IT UP!” HICKENBOTTOM SCREAMS TO BARON TOITY.

TOITY BURSTS FROM HIS THRONE AND CHARGES FORWARD, CLOTHESLINING ANYBODY IN HIS WAY.

“SHOW IT!! SHOW IT TO THE WORLD!” HE SCREAMS, HIS FACE CONTORTED WITH RAGE-FILLED EXCITEMENT.

”The feed will be back up in THREE …

TWO …

ONE.”

----------

THE FAGGOTRON RESUMES FOOTAGE FROM INSIDE THE DOME.

J.R.: WHAT … WHAT IS THAT?

THE SCENE LOOKS LIKE A FUCKING SLAUGHTERHOUSE. BLOOD HAS DRENCHED EVERY INCH OF THE RING AND THE INSIDES OF THE DOME. THE BLACK JUDGE IS KNEELING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RING, BREAKING DOWN AT WHAT HE SEES BEFORE HIM.



ZHOU SHI-SHIN IS MOTHERFUCKING DEAD.



ZEED IS MOTHERFUCKING DEAD.



THEIR CORPSES HAVE BEEN TORN APART IN SUCH A VICIOUS WAY THEY BARELY RESEMBLE HUMANS AT ALL. THESE TWO MEN WERE MURDERED IN SUCH A BRUTAL, RELENTLESS FASHION THAT THERE IS LITTLE EVIDENCE THAT THEY COULD RESIST THEIR HORRIFIC ENDS WHATSOEVER. THEIR INTERNAL ORGANS, BONES, SKIN, MUSCLES, EVERYTHING THAT COMPOSED ZHOU SHI-SHIN AND ZEED HAVE BEEN COMPACTED, EXPERTLY CARVED INTO A TOWERING FIGURE.

A NIGHTMARISH STATUE OF DEATH.

THE FIGURE STANDS THERE ON A PODIUM COMPOSED OF INTESTINES, NEARLY TWENTY FEET TALL, HIS MUSCULAR ARM POINTED TO THE SKY. AND THE FACE. THAT FUCKING FACE. THERE’S NO DENYING WHOSE HORRIBLE, RAGE-WARPED FACE THAT IS.

WHAT HAS HAPPENED HERE TODAY IS FAR WORSE THAN ANYTHING ZHOU SHI-SHIN OR ZEED COULD HOPE TO ACCOMPLISH.

THE BLACK JUDGE CANNOT BREATHE AS HE BEARS WITNESS TO THIS **DECLARATION OF WAR ON EXISTENCE**.

“H-HE’S ALIVE …” THE BLACK JUDGE CHOKES OUT. “MY FATHER … JAMES BROCK MCHARRIS IS ALIVE.”
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