Dragon Ball Z Uncensored

[Vinny]

Z

Chapter One: Breakthrough and Conquer

August 22nd, 1994.

In Universal Studios, Hollywood, a widescreen monitor displays a hulking man wearing a spandex singlet, elbow and knee pads, and a protective helmet. The man charges, a ball tucked under his arm, and charges straight towards another man, his skin oiled and his blonde hair feathered, while emitting a hellish battlecry. The tanned adonis' eyes widen in horror as the crazed competitor approaches.

With a sickening crunch, the adonis' head is twisted all the way around, his face crushed by a fatal stiff arm, as the competitor leaps over his corpse and dunks the ball into the goal.

"O-Oh my God," the announcer utters. "He's done it again. And this time, the victim was our very own Nitro ..."

The other defenders cower in fear as the competitor screams at the audience, his rage-twisted face all too familiar ...

"There he is, ladies and gentleman. The only man to have never been defeated in the Gladiator Arena, in any event. The man who has achieved a perfect score every single appearance on the program. The ... terrifying monster who has claimed four of our gladiators lives ..."

Footage shows the man somehow disembowling his opponent with a pugil stick during Duel. He later rolls at frightening speeds within the Atlasphere, his velocity so high that his sphere drills through an opponent's sphere and liquifies the man inside. During Assault the man fires a foam rocket not at the target above the gladiator's head, but at a set of lights hung above the arena, causing them to crash down and kill the gladiator. The montage ends with the man cackling as he stands at the end of the Eliminator, his outfit drenched in blood.

"He is James Brock McHarris, our past, present, and undeniably future champion here at American Gladiators."

Cowering, an interviewer slowly approaches McHarris, carrying a microphone on a six-foot stick as if he were giving raw meat to a wild animal.

"So Mr. McHarris, c-congratulations on another victory. H-How do you feel?" the interviewer squeaks out.

McHarris hand lashes out and he wraps his meaty fingers around the microphone. Suddenly, his eyes lock with the camera.

"Well, if you really want to know," McHarris utters with an unnerving calm in his voice. "I only feel regret."

The monitor begins to flicker. A jet of cigar smoke hangs above the monitor as McHarris seems to be staring down the viewer.

"R-Regret?"

"Regret that these American Gladiators, supposedly the greatest athletes in this country, have failed time after time to present a suitable challenge for me."

Inside Universal Studios, the man watching this interview on the monitor tightens his grip on his glass of scotch. His assistant stands in the corner, his head hung down in shame.

"That's why I've decided here and now that I will announce the successor to the gladiator's shamed throne. A sport filled with true champions, a world where men can fight for glory and honor! A land where the world's strongest would be known!

This sport is called wrestling, and the place is the FTUW Arena!"

The glass of scotch explodes under the man's grip. Immediately, his assistant cleans the mess and bandages his hand. This portly, cigar-chomping, 70-year-old billionaire is none other than Arthur J. Gladiator, the inventor of American Gladiators.

"What are we going to do about this, Daniel?" asks Mr. Gladiator.

"Well, sir, we could ban him from competition," his assistant replies. Like a dart, Mr. Gladiator tosses his cigar straight into Daniel's eye, blinding him.

"IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT ME TO DO?! TO SUBMIT TO THIS FREAK?" Gladiator screams as Daniel collapses to his knees.

"I'm sorry, sir! I'm sorry!" his assistant screams.

"We've hired new, stronger gladiators! We've injected them with state-of-the-art steroids and forced them to undergo the harshest training regimens possible! And it hasn't made a fucking difference!"

"W-We just need m-more time! If we keep studying this man, surely we'll find a weakness-"

"I'm fucking TIRED of WAITING!" Mr. Gladiator shouts, kicking his assistant in the ribs repeatedly. "I want results!"

Gladiator grabs a bust of himself from his desk and tosses it through his monitor, destroying the image of James Brock McHarris.

"The hitmen have failed. The police have failed. His incredible fighting prowess and immense wealth have let him escape from everything we've thrown at him. But now, we can't even kill him if we wanted to. The entire American Gladiators empire would come crashing down if he vacated his title via death," Gladiator says, pouring himself another glass of scotch. "To prove that our gladiators are the strongest athletes in the world, we have to defeat him in the Gladiator Arena."

"But sir ..." his assistant wheezes, "... none of our gladiators are a match for him ..."

Mr. Gladiator approaches a seven foot tall portrait of himself raising his hand towards planet Earth. Taking his own hand, he places his fingers on the fingertips of the photo. Instantly, a section of the wall opens revealing a safe.

"There is one man that can defeat him," Mr. Gladiator says, opening the wall safe. Inside he extracts an an old, worn tome. "Or should I say ... monster ..."

-----

Inside the Gladiator Arena Locker Room, James Brock McHarris stands over female gladiator Zap, violently fucking her against a wall. His eyes are like white orbs as a teeth grind together as he thrashes her.

BOOOM! One of the walls comes crumbling down as three muscular silhouettes stand amongst the rubble, shrouded in dust. As the smoke clears, they are revealed to be none other than Laser, Tower, and Viper!

"So, you're looking for some action, too?" McHarris says, grinning.

"How dare you violate Zap," utters Viper. "Who the fuck do you think you are?"

"To the victor go the spoils!" McHarris cackles. The slapping of meat continues rhythmically as Zap endures it, her eyes empty.

Tower clenches his fists together as tears stream down his cheeks.

"Zap ... my love ..." Tower utters, "We were going to be married."

"Looks like she won't be wearing white to the wedding," McHarris says as he continues pounding away.

TOWER EXPLODES FORWARD as McHarris MINDLESSLY FUCKS AWAY. As Tower HURLS a QUAKING RIGHT STRAIGHT, McHarris SMIRKS and leans backward, SPRINGBOARDING ZAP FORWARD. IN A GOOEY PINK MESS, TOWER'S HAND BORES THROUGH HIS LOVELY WIFE TO BE'S SKULL.

"DARLING!" TOWER SCREAMS, STARING AT HIS BRAIN-DRENCHED HAND. Bucking his hips forward, MCHARRIS FLINGS ZAP'S HEADLESS TORSO INTO TOWER, CRUSHING HIS STERNUM.

"GET THE COCKSUCKER!" VIPER SCREAMS. Immediately he begins SPINNING THROUGH THE AIR, unleashing a SPINNING BIRD KICK on JAMES BROCK MCHARRIS. But McHarris merely deflects the attack with a single hand, stopping him in MID-ROTATION. As Viper's eyes widen, McHarris counters with a MUAY THAI KNEE to HIS SOLAR PLEXUS.

"GRRUUUU-" VIPER TRIES TO UTTER, BUT MCHARRIS CLASPS HIS HAND AROUND HIS MOUTH. Then, McHarris begins throwing DAGGER LIKE JABS TO HIS GUT while HOLDING HIS MOUTH SHUT. As Viper flails about, MCHARRIS KEEPS HIM LOCKED IN A HEADLOCK. THEN SUDDENLY, BLOODY FUCKING VOMIT COMES FIRING OUT OF VIPER'S NOSE, EARS, AND TEARDUCTS. As Viper convulses, McHarris grabs him by the back of the head and smashes his skull open on the locker room floor.

With Viper dead and Tower in a state of shock in the corner, just having killed his lover, that leaves only McHarris and Laser.

"I've been waiting a long time for this, McHarris ..." Laser says, systematically cracking every single joint in his body. James Brock McHarris simply stands across from him, his head craned back slightly, his fingers curled, and an ear-to-ear grin slapped across his face. Sweat drips down Laser's brow as the area he sees around McHarris seems to be warped by heat.

ZWEEEN! LASER, LIKE HIS NAME, MOVES AT INCREDIBLE SPEEDS AND APPEARS BEHIND JAMES BROCK MCHARRIS. James Brock is motionless, his eyes rolled in the back of his head and his grin never fading. Laser crouches down and pulls back his hand, his fingers rigid, preparing his most powerful of attacks.

"LASER TASER!" HE SCREAMS, THRUSTING A KNIFE EDGE HAND TOWARDS MCHARRIS' NECK. As his fingers close in towards their target, McHarris whips his head around and SMACKS AWAY the HAND only with his GODDAMNED CHIN!

KRCK! LASER'S EYES WIDEN AS HIS ENTIRE ARM SNAPS BACKWARDS AT THE ELBOW from the FORCE OF REPEL. QUICKLY, THE MEAT TEARS FROM THE BONE AND LASER'S OWN ARM SPINS TOWARDS HIS GUT, HIS OWN FINGERS TEARING OPEN HIS STOMACH AND UNLEASHING HIS GUTS.

McHarris stands there, blood spraying over his naked body, as Laser tries to scoop his intestines back into his body. McHarris grabs him by his flattop and locks eyes with him, allowing him a good look at the man who killed him as he dies.

Tower continues sobbing in the corner as he hears the heavy footsteps of McHarris. Looking up, he sees McHarris grinning once again, and in a flash McHarris rips off Tower's eyelids.

"GYAAAGH!" Tower screams, clawing at his face. McHarris wastes no time and grabs the leg of Zap's corpse. Slowly, he penetrates her once again, fucking her solely to torture the helpless Tower.

Mad with grief and hoping to end this horrible torture, Tower rips out his own eyes. Still able to hear the wet pounding, Tower shoves his index fingers into his ears and breaks them off. Even then, he is still able to smell the blood and McHarris' unyielding man aroma, so he tears a padlock from a nearby locker and bashes his nose in. Feeling the vibrations from McHarris powerful fucking, Tower finally does what he should have done from the start and bashes his head against the wall.

Satisfied, McHarris drops Zap's body and exits the Gladiator Arena.

-----

A day later, in Cairo, Egypt.

A chopper descends into the desert just outside a pyramid and Arthur Gladiator drops down via rope ladder accompanied by a dozen armed guards in swat gear and his faithful assistant.

"There's no way he can be here!" Daniel tries to shout over the sound of the chopper. "It's impossible!"

"There's a lot of things beyond your understanding, my boy!"

Blowing up a section of pyramid wall with C4, Gladiator and his entourage turn on their flashlights and slowly enter the tomb. After descending several flights of decrepit stairs and dodging numerous traps, including poison darts and steel spikes, Arthur and survivors enter the burial chamber of the pyramid.

"T-This doesn't make any sense, sir ..." Daniel says.

Arthur aims his flashlight on an upright, fifteen foot tall sarcophagus planted in the middle of the room. This sarcophagus is bound with numerous chains that stretch across the room, held tightly in place by the hands of statues of various Egyptian deities. On the center of the sarcophagus is a golden, bejeweled letter "Z".

"Gentlemen, say hello to the strongest American Gladiator to ever walk this earth. ZEED."

[Vinny]

Chapter Two: Powerball

It all started long ago ... in Ancient Egypt ...

Ancient Egypt, 45 B.C.

In an Egyptian arena covered in hieroglyphics, two men battle it out on a pedestal with flaming staffs, desperately trying to push the other off into a pit of asps. With a swift uppercut, the Egyptian warrior is knocked from the pedestal and into the snakes where they seize upon him, repeatedly biting him until his flesh begins to swell and blood hemorrhages from his orifices.

Standing victorious on the pedestal is Rome's finest warrior, Glorious Titan.

These were the American Gladiator games. Originated by my ancestor, Decius Amerigo, a merchant from the Italia peninsula, these games quickly became favored by the rulers of Rome. Caesars used them to show the might of Rome's warriors, allowing those they conquered a chance to reclaim their freedom by putting their strongest warriors up against Rome's. There were no victories against Rome, however, and the American Gladiator games were used simply to subjugate these conquered peoples.

Two thrones sit near the highest wall of the arena, overlooking the bloodsport. In one sits Cleopatra VII. In the other sits Gaius Julius Caesar Octavian.

"So, it appears this is another victory for Rome," chuckled Gaius like a smug dick, "perhaps you'll rethink my offer of pledging Egypt's loyalty to me?"

Without saying a word, Cleopatra rises up from her seat and take her to her quarters. Caesar shakes his head before he hops on his boat and tears ass up the Nile River back to Rome.

-----

"But Pharaoh, all are finest warriors have been slain by these Romans!" pleads one advisor before Cleopatra tears his throat out with her razor-fingernails. The other advisors quake in fear as their slain peer gargles blood before collapsing in a heap.

"This is unacceptable! Is there no man left in Egypt who can fight these faggots?!" Cleopatra screams.

"W-We would just sending more men to their deaths, Pharaoh!" another shouts. Cleopatra stabs out his eyes and he flails around for a few seconds before accidentally falling into another pit of asps.

The remaining advisor drops to his knees and bows towards Cleopatra who is lowering her hand to his neck. As sweat patters against the stone floor, the advisor suddenly comes upon a realization!

"M-Maybe ... we could ask ... the Pyramid family!" the last advisor chokes out. The fingernails dig into his neck but stop. A wry smile crosses Cleopatra's face.

"But the Pyramids ... they have been missing for ages."

"Rumor has it that they have been living in a cave somewhere in Giza. Pharaoh, if anyone can defeat these monsters, it would surely be them!"

The Pyramids were named such because the progenitor of the family built the very first pyramid single-handedly. He was nearly nine feet tall, a powerful adonis and paragon of beauty. The pharaoh realized the potential this man had and forced him to spread his seed to the strongest women in all of Egypt. Soon more sons were created, and they took to the task and constructing more and more pyramids to bury their pharaohs. Through forced in-breeding over centuries, the Pyramids' powers grew exponentially ... but not without a cost to their humanity.

The children, despite being much stronger than their parents, would be born insane. They were a legion of greedy and lustful monsters that would use their own incredible power to satisfy their wants and desires. That is why they were banished from Egypt but now Cleopatra has sought this tragic family out once more.

Armed guards with torches lead Cleopatra through a cave in Giza, the smell of rotting flesh hanging in the air. As they travel deeper into the cave, they come across a nude woman who can be no shorter than eight feet tall. She is, without a question, a Pyramid.

"Where is the Pyramid head? Our pharaoh has important matters to discuss with him," orders on guard, poking the woman with a spear.

"Dead," she mutters, her matted hair stuck to her face.

"Dead? Then who is left?"

"They are all dead. Every one is dead," she mutters. "Killed by ... him." The woman raises a finger towards the darkness. One of the soldiers lifts his torch and reveals a section of the cave painted with dried blood.

The group moves further into the cave, the stench of death becoming stronger with each step. Bones litter the floor, impossibly large bones, too large for a normal human. That is when they come across a stone door wrapped in chains, only a hole carved out in the bottom. On the door is a shape carved into the stone, the letter "Z".

"Is this some sort of ... prison?" one guard asks. IN A FLASH, a hand SLITHERS out from the slot on the bottom of the door and GRABS the man's leg. The hand is gigantic and it immediately crushes the guard's leg. The ten foot long arm retracts and the guard is quickly JERKED THROUGH the small stone hole, TEARING HIM APART in a single flourish.

"GYAAAAH!" the guards scream as they leap backwards. One of the guards grabs the eight foot woman by the throat and presses a sword against her neck.

"What the fuck is that?!" he shouts.

"My sister ... that is her son," she replies weakly.

"We have to leave Pharaoh! We've uncovered something terrible," a guard pleads, but Cleopatra's eyes are LOCKED ON THAT DOOR. Suddenly, she begins FINGERING HERSELF in front of fucking everybody.

"Such ... such power ..." she mutters. Taking her hand out of her cunt, she turns to the guards. "Open that door."

"B-But Pharaoh!"

"DO IT!"

And so carefully they begin unlatching the chains, one by one, their loincloths or whatever SOAKED WITH URINE. Carefully, they open the massive stone door and the smell of blood escapes, hitting the guards in a nauseating wave. Inside his dank domain, the last man of the Pyramid Family sits bathed in shadow. Over twelve feet tall, the creature tears warm flesh from the soldier's bones while sucking on the corpse tit of his dead mother.

"Dear God ..." one guard mutters. IMMEDIATELY THE SON'S HAND WHIPS OUT, SLICING THE GUARD INTO THREE SEPERATE SECTIONS. The remaining guards attempt to FLEE only be impaled and torn apart by the monster. Only Cleopatra remains, soaked in blood, standing face to face with this hunched beast.

"How old is he?" she asks.

"Only five years old ..." the Pyramid woman replies. "He doesn't even understand language yet. He can ... only say one word, his namesake ..."

And with a grunt, he utters his name. ZEED.

Then Zeed's hands LATCH onto Cleopatra's skinny throat. Zeed grunts his own name as he slowly chokes the life out of Cleopatra. Completely helpless, Cleopatra undoes her silken garb or whatever and unveils her TITTIES. Zeed stops killing her momentarily and weakens his grip. Cleopatra looks to see ZEED'S DOUBLE COCKS, TWISTED TOGETHER LIKE AN INFINITY SIGN.

"There's more ways to rule than with just power ..." Cleopatra mutters, grabbing his COCKS. Cleopatra then proceeds fuck the shit out of the last son of the Pyramids, an act almost lethal.

An hour later, Cleopatra and Zeed exit the cave hand-in-massive hand as she leads the child-like monster to her boat so they can tear ass up the Nile back to Egypt.

[Big Fagot]

Pure class.

[Vinny]

Yeah, I felt kind of gross writing this.

[Vinny]

Chapter Three: Gauntlet

And so Zeed was brought back to the Ancient Egyptian Empire to serve as Egypt's sole Gladiator to compete in the American Gladiator games. It goes without saying that this man excelled in his new position.

Donned in silver chains and the most priceless of jewels, Zeed was taught the basics of the Gladiator Games so he could violently butcher his opponents while still staying within the rules. Once he battled five of Rome's finest American Gladiators in the Gauntlet yet completed the event in a mere four seconds, impaling all five on his arm in the process.

But keeping the son of the Pyramid family happy was no easy task. Despite being just a child, countless generations of inbreeding had warped his genetic material, leaving him two dicks, four balls, and an insatiable sex drive. He was given some of the finest bedrooms in Cleopatra's castles, only for servants to discover the next morning that Zeed had fucked every piece of furniture to splinters and sprayed his hot man chowder on all of the walls.

The numerous slave girls given to him couldn't satisfy his maddening lust. The only one who could calm Zeed was Cleopatra, who was extremely talented in the sensual arts (she was a huge whore). This kept Zeed complacent, and for the next few years he inspired terror in the Roman Empire while living the lavish life of Egyptian royalty. Zeed even proved himself in some scholarly efforts, during the times that his brain wasn't poisoned with testosterone. All was well.

That is, until his 13th birthday, when two more testicles inexplicably dropped.

It all happened when Zeed was to challenge Caesar's elite guard on the event, the Pyramid. Zeed was to climb to the top of the Pyramid, destroying any gladiator foolish enough to get in his way. It went as expected, with Zeed ripping off the limbs of each gladiator as if they were an insect, before finally reaching the top and facing the final gladiator.

Zeed was described as hunched over and salivating, his breath rapid and hot. Despite the last gladiator aiming his sword at Zeed, Zeed didn't seem to notice. He just stood there, perched, clawing at his chest as his skin took on a reddish hue.

And that's when it happened. Zeed's two gigantic fucking cocks exploded out of his bejeweled codpiece and he proceeded to viciously rape the Roman American Gladiator on top the pyramid. ZEED THEN LET LOOSE A SIX-PACK WAD that caused THE POOR SOUL to DIE IN A PINKISH-WHITE EXPLOSION.

With GUTS RAINING DOWN ON THE ONLOOKERS, ZEED LEAPT FROM THE TOWER AND DOVE INTO THE AUDIENCE AND BEGIN SAVAGELY RAPING EVERYONE. GUARD AFTER GUARD WHO TRIED TO STOP HIM WERE TORN TO SHRED, SEVERAL HOLES PUNCTURED IN THEIR BODIES FROM HIS DICK THRASHINGS. With hundreds dead or lay dying, the 15 foot tall man leapt into the PHARAOH'S BOX and stood face to face with Cleopatra and Caesar.

"C-Control this monster, Cleopatra!" Gaius screamed. "Or the might of Rome shall fall on the Egyptian Empire!"

Cleopatra remained silent, shadows obscuring her eyes.

"You fucking bitch! I'm warning you!" Gaius shouted those last words before he threw up his sternum. ZEED retracted his fist, covered in organs, as Caesar died. Turning to Cleopatra, Zeed's white orbs locked with Cleopatra's eyes.

"Cleopatra," Zeed said, dropping to one knee. "I must confess that I'm in love with you. Come, let us get married or whatever it is that Ancient Egyptians do."

Then Cleopatra blew him right then and there in front of everybody.

But the marriage was not to last. Zeed's power could no longer be contained, Cleopatra realized, with his six testicles turning him to a raving beast. With the American Gladiator games finished and Caesar eliminated, Zeed no longer served a purpose to Cleopatra. That is why she devised a plan ...

A servant had informed Zeed that Cleopatra had wanted to see him. Going to her chambers with a bouquet of flowers, she discovered Cleopatra fucking herself with a bust of Anubis. Immediately the TWIN COCKS OF ZEED were aroused, and he stepped forward to give her a PENILE PUMMELING, but it turned out to be a trap! A trap door opened up and ZEED PLUMMETED into a PIT FULL OF ASPS!

"WHY, CLEOPATRA! WHY!" Zeed screamed, but Cleopatra did not answer. She just continued shoving that marble bust up her cunt.

They dragged Zeed's corpse from the asp bit only to find he was still breathing, despite being bitten like two hundred times. Though he was not alive, he was comatose, but despite all of this Zeed still maintained his twin erections. Some speculate that the earthly embodiment of the Greek god Priapus, or perhaps some sort of lustful devil. Regardless, being unconscious for months upon months, his erections never once waned.

So Cleopatra had a coffin constructed for his body, with a near the bottom for his dicks so she could satisfy her every whim. Once Cleopatra had passed away, the living corpse of Zeed was used by female Pharaohs for centuries. A royal heirloom, if you will.

In fact, you could say Zeed was getting ass for centuries, blowing his load until the Ancient Egyptian Empire had fallen and he was stored away in a pyramid. This pyramid ...

-----

"S-Sir ... that story ..." Daniel said, a tinge of fear in his voice. "Was completely fucking retarded."

Mr. Gladiator turns to him, a look of bemusement on his face.

"Even if it were true, Zeed has long been dead."

"Not so, Daniel," Mr. Gladiator smiled. "It's very likely that Zeed is still alive, still in coma from that extraordinary amount of venom. That man's body was the pinnacle of humanity. He was a living, breathing immortal. It's my personal belief that the venom has placed him in a state of suspended animation ... and he is here, just waiting for us to set him free."

Daniel adjusts his glasses and wipes the sweat from his brow as the elite team of guards approaches the sarcophagus with caution.

"Scientifically, that's not possible ..." Daniel says. "And if so, how do you propose we re-awake him?"

"Well, my boy, when you get accustomed to getting ass on such a regular basis and you start to go without ... you begin to develop an itch for it."

"Sir, I don't think-"

"Now our friend Zeed has six balls, four more than either you or I. And he hasn't gotten pussy in over 2000 years," Mr. Gladiator snorts. "I'd say to claw up out of Hell just to get his dick wet."

The guards lower their flashlights on the sarcophagus to reveal two, stony protrusions.

"This is absurd ... completely and utterly absurd!" Daniel shouts. With that, Mr. Gladiator grabs him by the collar and HURLS HIM like a TORPEDO at the sarcophagus. DANIEL SCREAMS, which was his first mistake, because his open mouth made him SWALLOW ZEED'S DOUBLE DONGS still STICKING OUT FROM THE TOMB.

BOOOOOOM! DANIEL'S HEAD EXPLODES AND THE ENTIRE COMPANY OF GUARDS IS TAKEN OUT WHEN ZEED BUSTS A MILLENIUM WORTH OF NUT. MR. GLADIATOR STANDS THERE, IN AWE, AS THE SARCOPHAGUS EXPLODES AND THE DIETY KNOWN AS ZEED ARISES FROM HIS TOMB.

"Oh ... oh my God ..." Gladiator mutters, tears running down his cheeks.

ZEED, A FIFTEEN FOOT TALL GOD, IS NOW BUT A WITHERED HUSK OF LEATHERY SKIN AND BONE. HIS EYES ARE YELLOW ORBS. ZEED IS NOTHING MORE THAN A GIANT CARCASS.

As he opens his mouth to speak, dozens of scarabs spill from his throat.

"W ... w ..." Zeed mutters, his voice booming despite how weak it is.

"ZEED ... you're alive ... you're alive!" Gladiator says, sobbing tears of joy.

"Wo ... w ..." Zeed continues.

"Y-Yes? Anything, my lord!"

"WOMEN. BRING ME ... WOMEN," ZEED GRINS.

[Vinny]

Chapter Four: The Eliminator

It has been one week and 162 women since Zeed has been awoken from his 2000 year slumber.

Mr. Gladiator peers into Zeed's personal quarters. He is surrounded by dozens and dozens of empty jugs of wine, roasted boar skeletons picked clean, and several dead or incapicated women. In the center sits Zeed, his body restored to its former magnificence. His skin well oiled and his body jewelry well polished, Zeed looks just as imposing an awe-inspiring as he did two millenia ago.

"This world has changed much on the surface," Zeed smiles, closing an encyclopedia. "but it's apparent it is still ruled by one thing. Desire."

Zeed chugs some more wine as Mr. Gladiator stands there in his shadow, his knees trembling.

"So then, what do you desire?" Zeed smiles.

His hand shaking, Mr. Gladiator reaches into his jacket pocket and retrieves a picture from his jacket pocket. He holds his up, the rage-twisted visage of James Brock McHarris.

"This man ... I want you to compete against him in American Gladiators," Gladiator mutters. "And kill him ..."

"You've awoken me just to kill this one man?" Zeed chuckles.

"He's very strong, perhaps the strongest ... no, he definitely is the STRONGEST person living right now-"

Zeed narrows his eyes.

"Except for you, my lord, of course ..."

Zeed's hand snaps forward, quickly snatching the photo away from Mr. Gladiator.

"I could stand to stretch my limbs ..."

-----

Adamle: Ladies and gentleman, I'm Mike Adamle and I'm with Larry Csonka and welcome to another exciting episode of American Gladiators! This is a special event tonight as James Brock McHarris, our undefeated champion will be taking on a new gladiator named Z! Your thoughts, Larry?

Csonka: Sounds wild, Mike!

Adamle: And since this mano-e-mano, they'll be duking it out in the DUEL.

Strobe lights and shit start going off as James Brock McHarris makes his entrance, descending from the rafters on a bungie cord and being lowered onto the platform. In his hands he is carrying a giant pugil stick but with steel, spiked ends as opposed to the regular padded foam.

Adamle: I, uh, this doesn't seem like regulation.

Csonka: I'm getting word that the referee is allowing it!

The LIGHTS DIM and a single spotlight hits the entrance. Out comes a man who casts a gigantic shadow over the audience. Except it isn't just because of the light, he's also really fucking huge. It's Zeed, wearing his loincloth and body jewelry and carrying a steel, spiked pugil stick.

Adamle: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING?!

ZEED leaps onto the OPPOSING PEDESTAL, shaking the arena slightly with his landing. He looks down, smirking at McHarris who is staring up at Zeed in bemused wonderment.

"So you're the man whose brought back to this world!" Zeed says, his voice booming.

"I have no fucking clue who you are," McHarris grinds his teeth, "but I really want to break that stupid looking face of yours."

"KU KU KU!" ZEED SAYS. The referee is lowered from the ceiling via bungie cord and is about to START THE MATCH until he is suddenly turned into a CLOUD OF BLOODY MIST.

ADAMLE: SHIT!

BOOOM! ZEED'S PUGIL STICK CRASHES INTO MCHARRIS WHO MANAGED TO GUARD JUST IN TIME. The entire PEDESTAL bends backwards but MCHARRIS still manages to stay on!

WITH A LEAP, MCHARRIS BOUNDS SEVERAL FEET INTO THE AIR and COMES CRASHING DOWN on ZEED. ZEED BLOCKS WITH his PUGIL STICK and swats away McHarris with his arm. McHarris immediately crashes into the lighting rig, crashing through metal and sending sparks into the air and LIGHTS caving FANS' FACES IN.

CSONKA: OUR FANS!

ADAMLE: THIS IS HORRIFIC! But ... but MCHARRIS hasn't touched the mat! He's still in this!

"GAAAAAH!" MCHARRIS SCREAMS, GRINNING WILDLY. "THIS IS QUITE THE FUCKING SURPRISE!" AND WITH THAT, HE LEAPS OFF THE CEILING AND CRASHES INTO ZEED LIKE A BULLET. THE PEDESTAL BUT ZEED STILL MANAGES TO ON IT. KLANG! KLANG! KLANG! THE TWO CLASH STICKS, LIGHTING UP THE ARENA WITH SPARKS.

Using his immense power, ZEED slams his pugil stick into McHarris' sticks and CLEAVES IT IN TWO. The STEEL MACE CRASHES INTO MCHARRIS' CHEST, CAUSING HIM TO CHOKE UP BLOOD.

ADAMLE: MCHARRIS ... BLEEDING?! NO GODDAMNED WAY!

AS MCHARRIS SOARS AWAY, HE TAKES THE TWO HALVES OF THE STICKS and HURLS THEM LIKE CANNONBALLS. They crash into ZEED'S CHEST, FRACTURING HIS STERNUM SLIGHTLY and causing him to SLIP OFF THE PEDESTAL.

ADAMLE: THEY'RE BOTH FALLING?! WHO'S GOING TO HIT THE MAT FIRST?!

IN DESPERATION, MCHARRIS YANKS OFF HIS SPANDEX UNIFORM AND USES IT LIKE A WHIP TO LATCH ONTO HIS PEDESTAL. USING IT, HE SWINGS ON AND BEGINS FLYING NUDE TOWARDS THE FALLING ZEED.

ADAMLE: AND LIKE EVERY AMERICAN GLADIATORS EVENT, MCHARRIS HAS SOMEHOW BECOME NUDE.

Before Zeed hits the ground, he launches a TEN FOOT LONG ARM up to the RAFTERS AND GRABS A PART OF THE LIGHTING RIG. BUT HE DOESN'T HAVE MUCH TIME TO BREATHE AS MCHARRIS DROPKICKS HIM IN THE FUCKING CHEST.

"G-GUH!" ZEED UTTERS. McHarris DIGS HIS FINGERS into ZEED'S HUGE FUCKING TORSO and begins RIPPING OPEN HIS SKIN.

As McHarris spills Zeed's blood, ZEED ATTEMPTS to PUNCH HIM, but his arm is WAY TOO FUCKING LONG and HE'S TOO GODDAMNED CLOSE. MCHARRIS SCRAMBLES AROUND HIS BODY, PUNCHING AND CLAWING AND BITING ZEED, trying desperately to HAVE HIM RELINQUISH HIS GRIP ON THE CEILING AND DROP THE FLOOR!

And as a bloodied McHarris puts Zeed in a headlock, ZEED'S FACE WASHES OVER WITH REALIZATION. HE COULD POSSIBLY LOSE.

FWOOOOM! ZEED PULLS UP AND LAUNCHES HIS BODY TOWARDS THE CEILING, CRUSHING MCHARRIS AGAINST METAL DURING THEIR ASCENT. GRABBING MCHARRIS OFF HIS BACK, HE HURLS HIM LIKE A SPIKE STRAIGHT THE FLOOR.

ADAMLE: THIS MAY BE IT!

BOOOOM! MCHARRIS LANDS ON THE PEDESTAL, CAUSING IT TO SLAM INTO A GROUND LIKE A NAIL. WITH MCHARRIS ONLY AN INCH OFF THE GROUND, ZEED DESCENDS UPON HIM.

BOOOOOM! ZEED LANDS ON THE PEDESTAL AND SLAMS A FUCKING FIST INTO MCHARRIS' FACE, BURYING HIM IN THE GROUND. JAMES BROCK MCHARRIS HAS LOST.

ADAMLE: THIS NEWCOMER HAS DONE IT! Z HAS WON!

"HAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHA!" MR. GLADIATOR SCREAMS WILDLY as he RUNS UP TO ZEED. "YOU DID IT! YOU FUCKING DESTROYED HIM!"

Zeed extracts McHarris' bloody and bruised body from the hole in the floor and holds him up by his throat. Weakly, McHarris begins clawing at Zeed's wrist, desperately trying to free himself like a wounded animal.

"I'll ... fucking tear out your soul ... and shit on your soul's face ..." McHarris says, blood dripping from his mouth. Zeed smiles slightly.

"This man ... even now he's not afraid," Zeed chuckles.

"THAT'S WHY YOU NEED TO FUCKING CRUSH HIS PUNY NECK," GLADIATOR SCREAMS. "I WANT TO SEE HIM DIE!"

Zeed tightens his grip but McHarris continues to squirm, breaking his fingernails on Zeed's thick skin.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU WAITING FOR?! DO IT!" GLADIATOR SCREAMS before ZEED IMPALES HIM WITH A SINGLE FINGER. As Gladiator HOWLS IN AGONY, ZEED TWISTS HIS FINGER AND WRAPS ALL OF HIS SKIN AROUND THAT FINGER AND THEN RIPS OFF MR. GLADIATOR'S SKIN.

"Throughout my life, I've only fought cowards who yearned for death once they experienced suffering. These men ... did not desire life," Zeed mutters. "But this man, he knows the joys of life so well that even now he struggles against his fate. Food, drink ... women ... THIS MAN LIVES A LIFE WORTH LIVING."

With that, Zeed tosses the broken McHarris onto the ground and begins walking towards the exit.

"Get stronger, struggler," Zeed smiles, "and maybe one day we'll enjoy another battle."

Then Zeed hops onto a boat and tears ass through the Pacific Ocean into parts unknown.

[Vinny]

Well, this is finished. I guess I can start on the PPV now.

[Big Fagot]

He was given some of the finest bedrooms in Cleopatra's castles, only for servants to discover the next morning that Zeed had fucked every piece of furniture to splinters and sprayed his hot man chowder on all of the walls.

[Vinny]

I had 20 ideas for Zeed's origin and I couldn't pick one so I just combined every single one.

[Action Hank]

ha

[Spamdini]

And yet the promo before that is that one that disgusted you.

[Yogurtman]

The bottom line is that Zeed really did not need three penises.

[Ryoko's Biatch]

The bottom line is that none of this story makes any goddamn sense.

[Vinny]

He had TWO PENISES and SIX TESTICLES and I made most of the shit up on the spot.