Dragon Ball Z Uncensored

[Spamdini]

Minutes after Murdergeddon…

Victor “The Illusionist” Powers is hoisted into the air by the random bloodythirsty, yet surprisingly respectful, members of the crowd. The belt is tied around his half-dead body and he is dragged to what would be a five-night party.

The three other finalists receive a less jubilant reaction. Super Agent Harry Underwood just stands up and cracks his neck. Agent Mike runs alongside the paramedics who rush with a stretcher in order to treat the contestants.

“Harry, I think you should go to the hospital!”

”Naw, that’s where they make you gay and give you AIDS. I couldn’t BEAR it if I had to sit around with a bunch of sick old fucks anyways. Best be getting back to spying and stuff. Also bear training.”

“Oh, ok.”

Agents Mike and Smith leave with Harry. The paramedics decide that arguing will more likely cause fatal injuries to themselves, so they focus on Kenjiro and Det. Callaghan instead. The badly wounded warriors are loaded into two ambulances. Callaghan’s drives off first, headed straight for Branson General Hospital. Kenjiro’s leaves for Branson as well, but for a different location. The driver takes off his hat and grins wickedly.

“We got special plans for you, mon!” Sinclair Mohammad chuckles. The paramedics flex their muscles and tear off their white jumpsuits to reveal Nouveau-Richonian flags tattooed to their chests. Evil laughter fills the night air.

[Spamdini]

Dragging his half-dead body down an alley, Kanzaki Kenjiro tries his best to escape after having been nearly destroyed by Mike Tyson. It is a mere hour after his loss in a title match against The Illusionist. Why did he get a match? All he remembers after Murdergeddon was that he he was put into an ambulance that one of von Toity's men was driving. After that, he was stuck in a jail cell without even receiving medical attention after nearly dying in that four-way title match with Underwood, The Illusionist and Callaghan. Maybe they thought he'd die from his wounds. Maybe they expected The Illusionist to have an opponent who would be too weak to so much asput up a fight. No such luck! His mastery of ki meant that his wounds heal much faster than any normal human's!

But even he has his limits. Kenjiro stumbles and falls face first in a pile of mud. He hopes it's mud, at least. Rain pours down on him and mixes with his blood as it drips onto the ground. He lifts his heavy head and sees a silhouette standing on the other side of the alley. All he can make out in the darkness are a fedora and a lit cigarette.

“You…”

Lightning flashes, showing that the figure standing there is Detective Jake Callaghan. His body is bandaged and his paw is in a sling following his defeat at Black Judge’s hands.

”Kenjiro Kanzaki, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law…”

“F…fuck…” is Kenjiro’s last word before passing out from his injuries.

It is Monday morning, the day after Emperors of Blood: blah blah dik. In his office, King von Toity has just finished a set of 100 crunches and is now admiring his pristine body in one of his countless mirrors. A certain dog detective struts into his office.

“What is it detective? Have you come to admire my morning workout? Or perhaps you’ve brought me most fortunate news?”

“Got him.”

Von Toity wipes himself down. “Of course you have.” The king puts his silk robe on and lights a cigar up using a gold bar. “Just kill him. I’ve had my fun.”

“With all due respect, your majesty,” Callaghan replies, “even a terrorist must go through due process. And besides, wouldn’t your FTUW faithful be a little upset if you killed one of their stars without televising it?”

“Good point! Why lose revenue? We’ll air it live on television next week! FTUW’s Trial by Murder! The Kingdom of Nouveau-Richonia vs. Kenjiro Kanzaki! And representing the prosecution will be…JAKE CALLAGHAN!”

“!!!”

“It’s brilliant! Thank you for the idea, detective!”

At this point, a flustered Callaghan looks just as blown away as one of his shady witnesses. “King von Toity, with all due respect I am not a lawyer. I’m a cop and a damn good one, but that’s it!”

“Precisely! You know the law in-and-out without being a boring stuffed suit! An FTUW wrestler dooming Kenjiro to death for his crimes against humanity! It’ll be perfect.”

Seeing that arguing will be fruitless against the king’s mad ravings, Callaghan puts his hat on and leaves without saying another work. Von Toity paces back and forth in his office laughing creepily to himself.

“And the bailiffs will be raping men and women while shitting violently! It’ll be great! Gyeh heh heh heh!”

[Spamdini]

“Down this hall, sir!”

A Nouveau-Richonian guard leads a well-dressed Jewish man down the hall of a dark, dingy dungeon. The smell of urine and feces float through the air, mixing with the scent of the decaying corpses that have yet to be cleaned from their cells. Dungeon upkeep is not high on the list of activities Nouveau-Richonians wish to have their hard-earned tax dollars spent on.

At the end of the hall is an enormous cell with walls of solid steel and bars as thick as tree trunks. Inside there is an Asian man whose entire body is shackled, forced to squirm like a worm in order to pace around his cell. Of course, Kanzaki Kenjiro is too cool to actually do that so he just sits on his cot and stares off into space. Air is constantly being pumped through the bars and walls so that no vacuum can be formed around them. The well-dressed man removes his hat and smiles at the prisoner.

”Good day Mr. Kanzaki! How are you today?”

No response.

“Um, my name is Herman Winkler. I’m an attorney from Jew York City. Perhaps you heard of my famous cases such as when I proved the innocence of a child murderer even as he was murdering a child during trial?”

No response.

“Guard, does this man even speak English?”

“I speak English just fine,” declares Kanzaki without so much as turning his head towards his visitor. “Now what is it you want?”

“Why to take your case of course! Everyone’s suing each other in Jew York City to the point where there’s almost no one left with any money that’s not a lawyer. So I’ve gotta get outta the country and practice somewhere like Nouveau-Richonia. Something this high profile will certainly get me the attention I need to attract the bucks from all the fat cats here!”

“Tch,” Kanzaki scoffs. “Do as you wish you greedy pig.”

“Tsk tsk tsk! There is the small matter of the fee. I don’t work pro bono, you know? My mother would kill me!”

Kanzaki says nothing.

“It’ll be 1,000 gold coins for the trial. Afterwards, I’ll even help sue the hairdresser of the mother of the cop who arrested you for making her hair beautiful enough to attract a husband with whom she fornicated and gave birth to the policeman so arrested you so wrongfully!”

“…I was arrested by a dog.”

“Oy, that must have been a tragedy!”

“And I don’t have 1,000 gold coins.”

“Well, The trial isn’t for eight days. You can come up with the money before then. I hear if you kill beasts like rats and cockroaches, they drop some gold coins. Anyways, I’ll see you then! Make sure you have the money or you’re gonna be swinging by a noose, bubbellah.”

Kenjiro doesn’t react at all. The lawyer leaves and a few minutes pass by before a rat scuttles though Kenjiro’s cell. Reluctantly, he headbutts the creature which then drops a small gold coin.

“Tch, what a pain…”

[Spamdini]

O wA week later…

Winkler returns to Kenjiro’s cell with a new suit, but the same smug expression.

“So Mr. Kanzaki, have you managed to put together 1,000 gold pieces yet?”

Inside his cell, Kenjiro is smoking a cigarette somehow while staring off as usual. There’s a small welt on his forehead and there are splattered rats and bugs all over the floor. The place reeks of death and disease, but the Japanese superstar doesn’t seem too put off by this. Winkler adjusts his tie and clears his throat.

“I’ll ask again. Did you make the 1,000 gold pieces for my retainer yet?”

Still no response. However, Winkler takes a guess as to what that means.

“Well since I don’t see a sack of gold anywhere, I’m going to assume that you failed. I figured a big FTUW star like you would have some cash piled up, but you’re just a poor bumpkin after all! Good day, Mr. Kanzaki!”

“Wait,” Kenjiro mutters.

This surprises Winkler who had expected little from his potential client. Kenjiro shuffles around with what little mobility the chains that bind him allow and reaches for something in his pocket. He flings a couple small objects towards the lawyer, who then inspects them.

“Two gold coins?! That’s all you could come up with?!”

“That’s for you to pay the toll.”

”Huh? What toll?”

”Gotta pay the toll to cross the Sanzu River…the river of Hell!”

Before he can make heads or tails of what Kenjiro is saying, a large black shadow looms over Winkler. He spins around and sees a beast of a man standing before him, built like a truck with eyes as imposing as Satan himself.

“B…Black Judge!” Winkler squeals as he defecates himself. “W…what are you doing here?!”

“Councilor, you’re out of line,” the judge replies.

“Huh?”

“Asking such a ridiculous retainer from a man in need such as this. Have you no shame? What makes you think you can even win the case?”

“Y…your honor,” the lawyer stammers, “There’s no way to win the case! I was just gonna get him a painless death sentence! There’s no way to win against von Toity! What’s this dude going to need money for once he’s dead, anyways?”

Black Judge smiles and picks up the two coins off the floor. He takes them and palces them gently in the palm of Winkler’s hand.

“Didn’t he just tell you? You need that money to pay the toll IN HELL!”

Winkler falls to his knees and starts crying.

“No, you can’t kill me! This is Nouveau-Richonia! They actually have laws against murder here! If you kill me in this country, you’ll be in one of these cells too!”

“Oh don’t worry. You won’t die in Nouveau-Richonia.”

Black Judge he takes his gavel and with one stroke he hammers Winkler into the ground like a nail! Winkler flies through the Earth’s crust, down through its gelatin-like mantle and into its core, where the intense heat reduces him to just a skeleton. The skeleton continues through to the other side of the Earth and pops up in China. No one notices the bones because China is a fucking shithole.

“He brought up a good point,” Kenjiro states unflinchingly. “What are you doing here, Judge?”

“To pronounce my judgment. You shall die.”

Kenjiro barely responds. “Hrumph!”

“The judge, jury, prosecutor, the witnesses; they’re all in von Toity’s pocket. Couple that with the evidence Callaghan collected that incriminates you, and I’d have to say your chance of conviction is 100% as it stands now. And from a personal level, I think you’re guilty as sin.”

Kenjiro turns on his side so as not to face the Black Judge at all. “Then finish your gawking and leave me be. What a pain…”

Black Judge ignores Kenjiro and continues talking. “Callaghan has an intimate knowledge of everything involving the law. At first glace, it may seem foolish to put a detective the task of head prosecutor, but it is actually quite the brilliant move.”

Kenjiro still ignores him.

“Only one man has more intimate knowledge of every facet of the written law. If a man such as that represented you, your chances of survival might climb a little. Say, to 1%.”

“That man is you, correct?” Kenjiro says nonchalantly.

“You understand.”

”So what do you want?”

“Nothing. I’m doing this pro bono.”

”If I allow you to. And why help me? I’m sure von Toity won’t like it.”

“Because...I seek the TRUTH! If von Toity doesn’t like it, then he can just s-s-s-suck it!”

Both men share a moment of manly silence.

“Tch…do what you have to,” Kenjiro grunts as he puts his cap over his face and goes to sleep. As the Black Judge makes his way out of the dungeon, a camera zooms in on him. In his office, von Toity swishes 1000 year old single malt scotch around and chuckles to himself.

“I was hoping for a lawyer that would help grab ratings. This should be most interesting!”

[Spamdini]

“All rise!” the bailiff announces as the spectators in the FTUW Arena in Branson. Thousands of rabid FTUW fans wield pickaxes and other goonish weapons drink beer and fight each other as the courtroom officer tries in vain to get everyone to settle down. Order is only restored once a bell is rung. Hanging above the court is a wrestling ring suspended by thick iron chains. A ring announcer pulls out a microphone and starts talking over the loudspeaker.

“Greetings ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the trial of the century! All over America people are watching this on pay-per-view and we here at FTUW don’t disappoint! So before the trial of state of Nouveau-Richonia vs. Kenjiro Kanzaki starts, we shall have a match to decide who will be judging the contest!”

Dropped down into the ring are two iron safes, each labeled “The Judge’s Chamber”, are lowered to their respective corners of the ring. They both burst open, steam pouring out onto the ring.

“In the north corner, from Atlanta, Georgia, JUDGE MILLS LANE!”

Lane walks out of his chamber shirtless and wearing boxing gloves. In spite of his advanced age, he is lean but extremely well cut. Around his neck is a necklace of ears that he is known to rip off of those who are in contempt of his court. He takes a bucket of blood from inside his chamber and begins to drink it, letting excess liquid flow all over his chest.

“And in the south corner,” the announcer continues, “from Booker T. Washington, DC, JUDGE JOE BROWN!”

Joe Brown emerges from the chamber, bending the metal doorframe with his grip as he squeezes his 7-foot, 400-pound frame through the exit. His hair is past his shoulders and bone white. His facial hair is the same color, perhaps from years of intense judging. His body is tattooed with various tribal markings, aiding in the grand rituals he performs during executions in order to fully obliterate the souls of the condemned. It was said that he was originally meant to be Viscerape’s executioner but was out of town because he felt like raping ten women that night. Also, he has bull horns.

“The winner of this bout will go on to judge the trial of the century!” the announcer happily shouts. “Now let’s so it!”

“LET’S GET IT ONNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!” Mills Lane shouts, his eyes bulging from his skull. He uppercuts the announcer out of the ring and sends him flying 50 feet to the floor below where he is impaled upon a state of Lady Justice wielding a sword. The blood on the statue activates strobe lights and loud heavy metal music and everyone begins beating their head against the most solid object they can find out of excitement.

In the ring, Lane charges at Brown, who responds by lowering his head and bull charging! With a vicious right hook, Lane sends Brown’s left horn flying off his head and it gores someone in the audience below.

“Too weak.” Brown calmly states. He picks up Lane by the eye sockets and flings him up in the air. The ref-turned-judge is impaled on Brown’s remaining horn and then spun around until a giant hole is bored into his chest. Lane, however, is unimpressed.

“I SAID LET’S GET IT ONNNNNNNNN!” He lifts his body off of Brown’s horn in spite of most of his internal organs are spilled across the ring. He starts headbutting Brown over and over in the sternum, but to little effect. In response, Brown merely picks him up and powerbombs him with the impact of a mortar exploding on the mat. The chains holding the ring up snap and the ring hurdles towards the ground below, crashes and killing countless fans. The solid diamond judge’s bench is unharmed and Brown emerges from the wreckage and takes his seat.

“Bring in the defendant!” he orders. Kenjiro walks into court in shackles. By his side is the Black Judge who is dressed in a very expensive black suit. Many of the spectators left alive are surprised by this turn of events, not thinking that Black Judge would be representing a criminal. They are equally surprised when the prosecution walks in. Jake Callaghan is apparently wearing a very fruity frilled burgundy suit that looks like a cross between an Elizabethan woman’s garment and a bad prom suit.

“Mr. Kanzaki, how do you plead?” asks Judge Joe Brown.

“Not gi-ru-tee!” Kenjiro shouts with flair.

“The prosecution can present its first witness.”

“Gladly, your honor!” Callaghan responds with a bow. “The prosecution would like to call to the witness stand…Mr. Prometheus Jones!”

[Spamdini]

Nouveau-Richonian law follows wacky rules that may change during the course of the trial. Thus is the way things work in a post-apocalyptic society. The prosecution gets to make opening statements and call witnesses, which the defense can then cross-examine. Once the prosecution is done calling witnesses, the defense then gets its turn to call up witnesses. Unlike our real-life awesome America, you’re guilty unless proven innocent. The trial will go non-stop until a verdict is reached. There is no jury and it will be the judge who decides the verdict. At any point during the proceedings, he can stop the trial and just decide a verdict because he’s the goddamn judge!

Judge Joe: Court is now in session! Is the prosecution ready?

Jake Callaghan stands at the prosecutor’s table, having traded in his trench coat for a frilly trench coat with white ruffles and sequins and stuff. He flicks his ears back vainly and bows to the judge.

Callaghan: I am, your honor.

Judge Joe: And the defense?

The Black Judge is standing behind the defense’s table, his giant gavel having been confiscated by the bailiff for the duration of the trial. Nouveau-Richonian laws prevent weapons from being brought into the courtroom, making it the only place in all of America where you won’t find guns, swords, crossbows, hand grenades and a big guy wielding a small fat guy tied to a chain and swung around like a ball and chain. The Black Judge is wearing a black suit with a black tie. He also punched himself in the face repeatedly until he got two black eyes to match as well. Kenjiro is sitting stoically at his side.

BJ (heh heh): The defense is ready your honor!

Judge Joe: Alright, does the defendant wish to enter a plea?

Kenjiro stands up and puffs his chest outward.

Kenjiro: Not…GEERUTEE! *action lines*

Judge Joe: Very well. Mr. Callaghan?

Callaghan: Thank you, your honor! Ladies and gentlemen of the court, Kenjiro Kanzaki is on trial today for multiple charges. Firstly, he has conspired to destroy the entire nation of Nouveau-Richonia in order to gain supposed revenge against our King von Toity and because he hates children! Secondly, five Nouveau-Richonian guards were murdered on the 5th of April by Kenjiro during a break-in to Toity Tower #2 during a botched assassination attempt. Thirdly, he has been operating in secret in Nouveau-Richonia in spite of not paying the mandatory tributes to King von Toity for this honor. The penalty for all three crimes is death on their own! However, such heinous acts combined call for but a single appropriate penalty: SOUL OBLITERATION!

The crowd murmurs and the judge bangs his gavel.

Judge Joe: Mr. Callaghan, soul obliteration is a penalty reserved only for Maximum Rapeage! You may not suggest it for the alleged acts in this case.

Callaghan bows.

Callaghan: Forgive me, your honor. It’s just when I think about the atrocities he’s performed, I just get a little excitable.

Judge Joe: Hmm, yes, understood.

The Black Judge grumbles to himself.

BJ: Damn, this is worse than I thought. Callaghan isn’t only proficient in his knowledge of the law, but he’s also a charismatic speaker as well.

Callaghan: I’d like to call my first witness: Mr. Prometheus Jones.

Prometheus sits in the witness chair, flexing with 5 frames of black manliness. The bailiff brings out a bible and places it for Prometheus so swear on.

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you King von Toity?

Putting his hand on the bailiff’s head instead of on the bible, he crushes the man into the ground, turning him into a pile of bones and meat.

Prometheus: You really think I’d lie, boy? Ask your questions!

Prometheus’ shirt explodes for some reason. Callaghan clears his throat and approaches the witness.

Callaghan: Now I know you’re an associate of the defendant, but I expect you to tell us everything you know and refrain from straying from the subject at hand.

Prometheus: *grumble*

Callaghan: Approximately two and a half years ago, you became acquainted with the defendant. Is that correct?

Prometheus: Yes.

Callaghan: And together you fought against a violent gang, correct?

Prometheus: Yes, the Warriors. We used the power of wrestling to destroy them.

Callaghan: And why did you do that?

Prometheus: Because they were dicks who killed innocent people!

Callaghan: This is America! Everyone’s a violent dick who kills innocent people! Why the Warriors?

Prometheus: Because they were there, stupid!

Callaghan: Hmph…you are aware with whom Warrior is currently employed, correct?

Prometheus: …FTUW.

Callaghan: And with whom was he employed with directly prior to the apocalypse.

Prometheus: FTUW. But that not why we…

Callaghan waves his paw.

Callaghan: Please spare me your lecture! If you’re still not convinced, let me ask you this! Is it true you two fought before teaming up?

Prometheus: Yeah, so?

Callaghan: And why was it that he attacked you?

Prometheus: No, I attacked him! I think…

Callaghan: You think? You’re taking Mr. Kanzaki’s word that you started the fight?

Prometheus: No! I know that he didn’t…

OBJECTION!!!

Black Judge: The witness answered the question! Stop badgering him!

Callaghan waves his paw.

Callaghan: I can badger this fool all I want! He is spouting confused half-truths fed to him by a criminal! This court of law needs whole truth!

Judge Joe Brown nods.

Judge Joe: Yes, I’ll let you harass him.

Callaghan: And so Mr. Prometheus, WHY DID KENJIRO KANZAKI ATTACK YOU!

*stabbing noise*

Prometheus: Urhk…wh-what are you saying? He didn’t…

Callaghan: Can’t you see that he was reacting to your wrestling spirit?!

Prometheus: W-what?!

Callaghan: It’s obvious to me that you’ve been duped! He fought you because you’re a wrestler then spared your life so that you would help him continue his carnage!

OBJECTION!

Black Judge: This is an outrage! This is inflammatory and has nothing to do with the case!

Callaghan: Spend more time practicing law and less time smashing shit, Black Judge! You should know that your client is on trial for conspiring to destroy FTUW and, in effect, wrestling itself! This testimony goes towards motive!

Judge Joe: Uh huh. Makes sense!

Prometheus sweats, looks confused and flexes his muscles all at the same time.

Prometheus: No, you’re wrong…he…I think…did he…

Callaghan: One last question! Where did you obtain all this evidence that you turned over to me in Booker T Washington, DC?

Callaghan shows evidence to the court.

EVIDENCE ADDED: Junction Star High School ID Card – Has Kenjiro’s name and picture

EVIDENCE ADDED: Studded glove – a leather gloved with metal studs on the knuckles. Blood is stained across the knuckles as well.

EVIDENCE ADDED: Bronze bust – a realistic bust portraying Rakkyu Saketumi. The pompadour hides a hidden compartment.

EVIDENCE ADDED: FTUW wrestler profiles – info on every FTUW wrestler as of two months previous

EVIDENCE ADDED: FTUW Tower blueprints – Detailed plans of King von Toity’s massive structure that is also the HQ of FTUW

EVIDENCE ADDED: Weapons plans – Says “Special Beam Cannon” on it.

Prometheus: I found them…

Callaghan: Found them?

Prometheus: No…they were left in my care. By…Kenjiro Kanzaki.

The crowd murmurs.

Callaghan: Thank you. No further questions.

Judge Joe: You may cross-examine the witness, Mr. Black Judge.

Black Judge sweats a little, but gets up and gets to work.

Black Judge: Mr. Jones, did Kenjiro Kanzaki give you those items personally?

Prometheus: Um…not exactly.

Black Judge: Aha! So just anyone could have left them in your care!

OBJECTION!

Callaghan: Are you blind? Sure, anyone could have given him most of those things but what about the ID?! Clearly only Kanzaki would have that!

Black Judge turns and whispers to his client.

Black Judge: (Uh, so did you actually give those things to him?)

Kenjiro: (I left him the statue and the ID to take care of. Everything else, I know not of.)

Callaghan: And Mr Jones, what did you mean by not really?

Prometheus scratches his head.

Prometheus: Well, he left them in my safe that only he and I knew the combo to. There was a handwritten letter with his signature on it as well.

EVIDENCE ADDED: Handwritten note – Note to Prometheus from Kenjiro asking him to take care of his personal items.

Black Judge: U…UKKKK!!

Callaghan bows.

Callaghan: Do you wish to cross-examine the witness further.

Black Judge: Damn, there’s no point in going further with him. Just one question! Do you believe in Kenjiro Kanzaki, as both a friend and as a savior to professional wrestling?

Prometheus looks at Kenjiro. He thinks about how he could have been duped, how he was used as an accomplice in terrorism and of everything else he has just heard.

Prometheus: Do I still believe in him?

Black Judge: That’s right.

Prometheus: …YES! With all my soul!

Black Judge: Hmph, thank you! No more questions!

Judge Joe: The witness may step down.

Callaghan: The prosecution calls its next witness: Charles Artemis!

[Big Fagot]

It's like they're hitting each other with their minds!

[Spamdini]

Charles Artemis takes the stand.

Callaghan: Please state your name and occupation to the court.

Artemis: Charles Artemis, former president of Ring of Rage and currently head of security for FTUW and King Hoity von Toity.

Callaghan: So on the 5th of April, what happened at FTUW Tower.

Artemis: There was a break-in at 2:00 AM. One unarmed man killed five of my men. There were holes in their heads the size of ashtrays, but the wounds were weird as if their brains were sucked out. The culprit then made off with several pieces of paper. They were profiles of all FTUW wrestlers, where they were last spotted, their finishing moves and so forth. He also took a container belonging to King von Toity.

Callaghan: What did the container contain?

Artemis: …A piece of Richonium, about a foot and a half in diameter.

Callaghan: And what is Richonium used for?

Artemis: It can be used as an infinite energy source, or can be processed to make a potent strength-enhancing serum. Jack “Jim Beam” Daniels once used it for that. It could also be used as a weapon.

The crowd begins to murmur as the judge smashes his gavel into the wall.

Judge Joe: ORDER MOTHERFUCKERS!

Callaghan: So he stole the Richonium to use as a weapon?

OBJECTION!

Black Judge: You’re talking out of your ass! There’s no proof that he stole those items, or that the Richonium would be used as a weapon!

Callaghan taps his paw against his head.

Callaghan: You disappoint me, Black Judge. Can’t you see how this all fits so beautifully together?

Black Judge: ?!

Callaghan: Mr. Artemis, how do you know Kenjiro stole these items if all witnesses were killed?

Artemis: It was nighttime and the intruder used some sort of interference to disable the security cameras. However, the cameras turned back on before he could finish the job! Take a look at this security tape I’ve brought.

EVIDENCE ADDED: Video tape – surveillance tape from the night of the break-in and murders.

A television is wheeled into the room and tape is inserted into the VCR. On the screen, we see everything in night vision as the room is not lit. There are several bodies on the floor, but no activity. Suddenly, a man runs across the screen so quickly that we can barely see him.

Artemis: There! Rewind and freeze-frame!

The bailiff does so. The tape is paused on the intruder.

Artemis: The quality isn’t very good, but we can make out three things for sure. One is that he’s Asian, the second is that he’s wearing a Japanese school uniform in the hooligan style, the third is that he has a pompadour! It’s Kenjiro Kanzaki!

Black Judge: Y…you can’t tell for sure!

Callaghan: Oh please! Pompadours are the most unpopular haircut in post-apocalyptic America! You’re either bald or have a mohawk! Anyone with a pompadour has probably been raped to death by now! And the clothing is spot on as well! Not to mention how he was able to defeat five highly trained guards on his own! All this points to the indisputable truth: KENJIRO KANZAKI IS THE MAN IN THAT VIDEO!

The crowd murders while Judge Joe begins murdering members of the audience who are talking.

Judge Joe: ORRRRRRRRRRRRDERRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Callaghan bows.

Callaghan: Now allow me to neatly tie this all together. May I bring this piece of paper back to the court’s attention.

He lifts up the paper with the weapon plans on it.

Callaghan: This device drawn up here is quite complex. It is for a death ray that could destroy a skyscraper the size of FTUW Tower and half of Branson with it. However, it would need a stupendous energy source in order to power it and maintain the power. Gasoline is rarer than gold nowadays, so what could he possibly use to power the machine?

Callaghan slams his hand down on his desk.

Callaghan: RICHONIUM OF COURSE!

Black Judge: URK!!

Judge Joe slams his gavel until his desk shatters to pieces.

Judge Joe: I think I’ve heard enough! I’m rendering my verdict now!

Black Judge: Wait! I must cross-examine Mr. Artemis first!

Judge Joe: I dunno. Can’t see how you’ll succeed. Give in kid!

Black Judge: No! I’ll find a contradiction! Just let me try!

Judge Joe: Bah, you’ve got 5 minutes!

Black Judge wipes the sweat from his brow and turns to Kenjiro.

Black Judge: Thank god, huh? I really don’t have any clue on how to save you at this point.

Kenjiro: …

Black Judge: (Look, that wasn’t you in the video, right? Just give me an alibi to work with!)

Kenjiro: (I cannot.)

Black Judge: (Fucking slant fucking fuck motherfucker! I’m trying to save your yellow ass! Help me out here!)

Kenjiro: …

Judge Joe: We’re waiting, Mr. Black Judge.

Black Judge: Mr. Artemis, um, who knew that there was Richonium in the basement of the tower to begin with?

Artemis: Uh…well…King von Toity and all of his security staff knew. That’s it.

Black Judge: Aha! So how would Kenjiro have known that there was Richonium there?

Artemis: Hm…I guess he could have just guessed. I mean who would have more Richonium than King von Toity?

Black Judge: Oh, and he happened to know exactly where it was too? That’s some pretty good guessing!

But Callaghan just smirks and taps his forehead.

Callaghan: I expected better from you, Mr. Black Judge. Have you forgotten the evidence already?

Black Judge: Huh?

Callaghan: In the safe with the other papers were plans to FTUW Tower. As you can see here, they clearly list a vault at the bottom of the tower, as well as the location of security barriers. If I were a betting man, I’d say King von Toity has a security leak that needs to be plugged. All this information was laid out right before Mr. Kanzaki!

Black Judge: UNGH!

Judge Joe: That’s enough. You’re getting nowhere, Black Judge. It’s time for my verdict.

Black Judge: No! Wait!

Nervous pause.

Black Judge: I…I’ve only got one shot to turn this around now. Otherwise Kenjiro’s done for! That wouldn’t affect me personally, but I wouldn’t be too happy about it either.

Judge Joe: Kenjiro Kanzaki, this court finds you…

HOLD IT!

Close-up of Callaghan’s face.

Close-up of the judge’s face.

Close-up of Artemis’ face.

Zoom into Black Judge’s face.

Black Judge: Before you do that, might I take a look at those wrestler profiles again? Something just occurred to me!

Judge Joe: God dammit son, you’re really pissing me off now!

Callaghan: Peh, I see no reason to need those profiles. Are you trying to scout me for the next PPV? Well, here you are! Have fun!

Black Judge looks over the papers carefully, and smiles widely open finding a certain one.

Black Judge: Your profile is pretty ho-hum, Mr. Callaghan.

Callaghan: Uh, well yes. These were stolen in April back before I officially debuted at Murdergeddon. I was only in talks with King von Toity at the time. They didn’t have a whole lot to base that profile on.

Black Judge: I understand that. What I don’t understand is this paper here!

He hands it to Callaghan, who reads it aloud to the court.

Callaghan: Victor “The Illusionist” Powers. Weight…height…blah blah…finisher…blah blah. What’s your point?

Black Judge: Read on.

Callaghan: Titles held…URK!!!

Judge Joe: Is something the matter?

Callaghan: T…take a look…

Judge Joe Brown picks up where Callaghan left off.

Judge Joe: Titles held: Chariot Race victor, Caligula Bloodsport champion, FTUW Champion. These are all accurate, Mr. Black Judge.

Black Judge: Heh, they are accurate…TODAY! However, it was a different story when the break-in occurred back in April! But The Illusionist didn’t win the FTUW Title until June!

Slams hand.

Black Judge: HOW COULD THE PROFILE HAVE KNOWN HE’D WIN IN ADVANCE?!

Callaghan: ARGH…M…maybe he edited the profile to keep them current. Or it’s a typo.

However, Black Judge shakes his head.

Black Judge: These documents are printed on official FTUW letterhead. It’s impossible to reproduce. And in regards to your profile, it may be a bit boring but it does list your finishers and your win-loss record. Did you have a win-loss record in April, Mr. Callaghan?

Stabbing noise.

Callaghan: UNGH!

Judge Joe: Wait, I don’t get it. So what?

Callaghan: Don’t you understand, judge? These profiles couldn’t have been stolen in April! And if they weren’t stolen when Mr. Artemis said that they were, that means that they must have been planted!

Artemis: Hey, what’re you accusing me of?! The tape shows him stealing the Richonium! He…he must have come back for the profiles another day.

Callaghan slams the table.

Callaghan: Mr. Artemis, you’re saying that a piece of Richonium was stolen, and you still let the thief waltz in and out as he pleases?

Artemis: S..shut up! So what if he did? You can’t prove he didn’t!

Black Judge: Grrr…you…

Judge Joe: Seems plausible to me. So he stole the profiles later. Nice try, Black Judge but I’m still going to render my verdict.

HOLD IT

Close-up of Artemis.

Close-up of the judge.

Close-up of Black Judge.

Zoom into Callaghan’s face.

Callaghan: About the dead guards, you said that they are had holes in their heads that made it look like their brains were sucked out.

Black Judge: ??

Artemis: Yeah, Kenjiro uses vacuums.

Black Judge: !! Heh…heh heh…

Aretmis: That’s so funny?!

Black Judge: It’s just that the man in the video is wearing gloves.

Artemis: Right. One of them must have been the glove that Prometheus found in the safe.

Black Judge: Mr. Kanzaki, are your vacuums effective with gloves on?

Kenjiro: Nani? How am I supposed to create a vacuum with gloves on? I need to create a void between my palm and the air around me. I’d destroy the glove.

Artemis: HUH?!

Black Judge: So you see, your honor, Kenjiro Kanzaki couldn’t have broken in to that building and couldn’t have killed those guards. He didn’t steal those profiles either and as a result, you can’t prove he had any intentions of committing terrorist acts against Nouveau-Richonia! He’s innocent of every charge!

Callaghan: Hm…perhaps it was premature to rule out a Kenjiro impersonator. I must say, when arresting him he did not have the look of an evildoer.

Judge Joe: Even Det. Callaghan is agreeing with the defense? Huh, now that’s a new one! Well, I dunno if Kenjiro is innocent or not, but I think we can end this trial for today.

Gavel bangs.

HOLD IT!!!

Close-up of Callaghan.

Close-up of the judge.

Close-up of Black Judge.

Zoom into King von Toity, who is now sitting in the witness chair.

Von Toity: You’re not going to hang this yellow bastard like he deserves?! IT HAD TO BE HIM! HE STOLE IT!

Judge Joe: My lord, we can’t settle this today. Please settle down.

Von Toity: FUCK NO! I’M NOT LOSING MY RATINGS FOR THE DAY JUST BECAUSE THIS FAGGOT DOG DOESN’T HAVE THE BALLS TO GET THE JOB DONE! Mr. Callaghan, have you forgotten about your wife? Maybe her case wasn’t solved because you’re soft, just like you’re being soft on this pompadoured faggot!

Callaghan: WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, you will leave my wife out of this. This case doesn’t have enough evidence to convict, just like how my wife’s case didn’t have enough evidence thanks to those other retard detectives!

But suddenly Callaghan pauses.

Callaghan: Wait…evidence…pompadour…

Flashback to two years ago. The rain is pouring down hard and Callaghan is being held back by two fellow officers in his chief’s office.

Callaghan: LET ME OUT THERE! I’LL FIND THE KILLER!

Chief: Leave this to the other detectives. We’ll find the goon who did it.

Callaghan: No goon could rip her heart out that silently! I’m telling you that my wife was killed by a pro! All the other detectives found was a comb!

Chief: It’s a special comb. Used to style pompadours. Heh, what a lame haircut. I’m sure we’ll find the asshole before morning.

Callaghan: Idiot! You think he’d leave his hair the way it is? You think you’re gonna find him that way! Let me at him…

Chief: Take the week off detective. You’re dismissed.

Back to present time.

Callaghan: Mr. Kanzaki, how much noise do your vacuums make?

Kenjiro: None. They are assured death with no warning. I have been practicing long and hard to perfect this art.

Callaghan: I get it now…you perfected your art on human guinea pigs.

Kenjiro: ?!

Black Judge: What are you talking about?

Callaghan: JUDGE! Keep this trial going! I promise I’ll get that bastard convicted today!

Judge Joe: But you don’t have enough evidence to…

Von Toity: Ahem, perhaps I can help! I took the liberty to have an expert witness ready to testify. Come on in…CHIEF GANTZ!

[Big Fagot]

*Stabbing noise*

[Spamdini]

Why can't I post my promo? ;_;

[Spamdini]

Everyone has a shocked look on their face as Chief Gantz rolls to the witness’ chair. Only von Toity has a smirk, which worries the Black Judge.

Black Judge: Dammit, what is this? He’s got something planned here. But maybeI can turn it back on him!

Det. Callaghan is confused, but begins questioning his witness regardless.

Callaghan: Um, please state your name and occupation to the court.

Gantz: my n4m3 iz ch13f g4ntz, n00b!!1 kcpd 4 l1fe!

Callaghan: Erm, yes, well Chief Gantz, what can you tell me about the events of April 5th? We have determined that Kenjiro could not have stolen these wrestler profiles during that robbery, nor could he have used his vacuum abilities that night either.

Gantz: lol s0 wh4t?

Callaghan: Huh?

Gantz: th3r3 br41n5 w3r3 all ov3r the fl00r lol!!1 but he c0uld h4ve d0n3 it w/o v4cuums

Callaghan: And how would that be?

A video screen lights up on Chief Gantz’s face. It shows a diagram of a human skull being struck from behind so quickly that the brains fly out through the face.

Gantz: s33? K3nj1r0 iz j4p4n3se @_@ and kn0ws all s0rts of stuf lik th4t

Callaghan: That would explain why he had a bloody glove. But what about the profiles?

Gantz: hack0rz!

Callaghan: Ah, so he didn’t need to steal the hard copies directly? He hacked into FTUW’s computer systems to steal them?

Gantz: -_-‘ duuuh

Callaghan: But this is still just guesswork. Tenuous at best. Can you provide any useful information that would definitely implicate Kenjiro Kanzaki?

In response, Chief Gantz puts another display on his face showing a rather complicated safe.

Gantz: th15 w45 teh saf3 th4t Prometheus g0t teh evid3nce fr0m.

Several diagrams pop up.

Gantz: j00 h4ve to h4ve a sp3ci4l set of fing3rpr1nt5 t00 op3n it! 0nly Prometheus and Kenjiro had acce55.

Callaghan: So even someone wanting to frame Kenjiro would have been unable to open that safe?

Gantz:

OBJECTION!

Black Judge: That doesn’t mean Kenjiro did it! After all, there’s another person in this very courtroom that could have committed the crime. Prometheus Jones!

Gantz: lol, are j00 st00pid? Th4ts n0t po55ibl3!

Black Judge: Why not?

Gantz: teh saf3 iz c0nn3cted 2 teh security comp4ny’s systems. The rec0rds sh0w th4t teh only one to acc3ss teh safe after the robbery unt1l Prometheus g0t the n0te w4s Kenjiro. W1tn3sses s4w Prometheus open teh safe! He c0uldn’t h4ve d0n3 it.

Black Judge: Ugh!!

Callaghan: Well this is…surprising. Thank you Chief Gantz! I think that gives us what we need to end the trial and put that scourge Kenjiro in a noose where he belongs!

Black Judge: What happened? Before Callaghan was willing to defend Kenjiro, but now it seems like he’s out to get him.

Callaghan: Black Judge! This is your last chance! Perform your useless cross-examination and then leave that rat to pay for his crimes!

Black Judge: Detective Callaghan, don’t be so cocky! I’ll prove my client’s innocence yet! We each have a win against each other in the ring, but I’m going to win this court battle and finish our feud once and for all!

Callaghan: Hmph, whatever!

Black Judge: Chief Gantz, explain how this safe sends information to the security company.

Gantz: sighz! Wh3nev3r s0m30ne 0pens teh s4fe, a s1gn4l is 5ent too the secur1ty c0mp4ny. It s3z wh0se f1ng3rpr1nt5 open3d the s4fe.

Black Judge: This security company, who are they?

Gantz: …

Black Judge: Actually, I have another question first! It’s regarding your theory. A powerful enough shot to the back of the skull would in fact give the effect you mentioned earlier. But don’t you find it odd that Kenjiro would choose to do that rather than use his vacuums?

Gantz: lol j00 so st00pid!!!1 H3 d1dn’t w4nn4 r1p h1s gl0ves!

Black Judge: Again with these famous gloves! You’re sure that the glove in the safe killed the guards?

Gantz: Teh bl00d 0n the gl0ve bel0ngs to 1 of teh gu4rd5.

Black Judge: Ok, I’ll concede that much. But if you’re sure that the guards died from a sharp impact to the back of their head…

Slams desk

Black Judge: WHY WAS NO WOUND LIKE THAT MENTIONED IN THE AUTOPSY REPORTS?!

Gantz: !!1

Black Judge: And if we look at that video again, we can see a guard lying face down on the ground in one of the shots. The picture quality leaves something to be desired, but you can clearly see that the back of his head is perfectly intact! Even with some sort of martial art that would transfer energy or some gay thing like that, we’d see some sort of wound! After all, how else did blood get on the glove?!

Gantz: O_________O

Callaghan: C-chief Gantz, you’re telling the truth to this court, correct?

Black Judge shakes his head.

Black Judge: No, I don’t think he is. You know, it’s a bit odd that a Kansas City police chief would just so happened to be in Branson to provide such relevant testimony.

Gantz: shut up u b1tch! King Von Toity c4lled me! B3s1d3s, I tr4vel a l0t becuz…uh…

Black Judge: Because why? Because you have business that needs attending to elsewhere?

Gantz: …

Black Judge: I’ve read up on you before, Chief Gantz. Before the apocalypse, you weren’t even in the police force. You were an entrepreneur! You owned a security company, did you not?

Stabbing noise

Gantz: >______________<

Black Judge: Gantz Securities. Yes, I’ve heard of them. Very well known. They would use the latest high-tech online security software and explosive laser beams in order to prevent theft. I bet you experience in security got you the job as police chief when protecting against goon lords was more important than giving tickets to jaywalkers. What I find most interesting is how Gantz Securities is still in business today!

Gantz: X___________X N000000!

Black Judge: You mentioned that the safe could be accessed online. Well what if a walking computer ball was able to hack its way into the safe? What if that same computer ball also helped orchestrate a frame-up? What if he also had access to FTUW’s files and printed out those profiles? What if he was able to access a school’s files and print out a fake school ID? What if I said…

Slams hand

Black Judge: YOU’RE THE ONE BEHIND THIS, CHIEF GANTZ!

Gantz: FUCK BITCH CUNT!!!!1 ST0P LY1NG!!!!!!!!!!!!1 I D1DN’T D0 4NYTH1NG!

Angrily, Judge Joe Browns slams his into the wall over and over again, causing a portion of the ceiling to crumble and fall onto the ground.

Gantz: L3mme g3t th4t

A vacuum comes out of Chief Gantz’s side as he sucks up all the fallen debris. A bit of brain is hanging off of the vacuum. Every single person in the court notices before Gantz realizes how bad he fucked up.

Gantz: …

Callaghan: …

Black Judge: …

Judge Joe just blinks.

Judge Joe: What’s everyone so silent about? Is it that odd that he was polite enough to clean up the mess? Thank you, chief!

Black Judge: Um, no, that’s not it your honor. Chief Gantz has a powerful vacuum attached to his arm and there was a bit of human brain still stuck to it. The FTUW Tower guards had their brains sucked out by a vacuum.

Judge Joe: …

Black Judge: …

Judge Joe: …GASP! Chief Gantz! Did YOU kill them?!

Gantz: …

Black Judge: …

Callaghan: …

Gantz: …lol

Black Judge: ?

Gantz: lolololol!!1

Black Judge: Ah!!

Chief Gantz begins rolling back and forth like a lunatic, frothing at the mouth (wherever that may be) and laughing so loud that even those outside the building can hear.

Gantz: LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOLOL

After finally getting all the laughter out of his system, Chief Gantz composes himself on the stand.

Gantz: So j00 f0und m3 0ut. G00d j0b!

Black Judge: Chief Gantz, why did you frame Kenjiro for murder and thievery?! Did King von Toity put you up to this?!

Upon hearing those words, King von Toity stands up and smugly addresses the court.

Von Toity: How dare you accuse me, you hack of a wrestler and lawyer! I am as shocked and appalled as you are about this! I had no idea that the chief committed these crimes, right?

Gantz: R…r1ght. I d1d it on my pwn, lol.

Black Judge: Damn you, von Toity!

Callaghan: Grrr…the prosecution rests.

Judge Joe: Well, it seems as if Kenjiro is innocent of all charges!

Von Toity: What?! No! He’s not innocent! Don’t let him leave here! He’s got it, I know it!

Judge Joe: I’m sorry my lord, but Chief Gantz made the whole thing up. Kenjiro didn’t steal your Richonium. This court finds Kenjiro Kanzaki…

N O T G U I L T Y

Confetti flies through the air as Black Judge smiles and leaves the courtroom.

Black Judge: That’s all I’m ever gonna be helping you, kid. I help the weak in the battlefield of court, but every man for himself in the battlefield of the ring.

Callaghan slams his briefcase shut in a rage and prepares to leave as well.

Callaghan: Kenjiro! You may have got off easy this time, but at Super Taboo Tuesday I’ll make sure justice is served!

Kenjiro: Tch, whatever.

Five minutes later, Det. Callaghan is stepping down the stairs in front of the Hall of Justice when a limo rolls up in front of him. The rear window rolls down and a red-faced von Toity addresses the detective.

Von Toity: This is what I get for trusting a mongrel with a case as important as this! You’d better slaughter Kenjiro at Super Taboo Tuesday or you’ll be writing parking tickets for elephants and tanks in some god forsaken wasteland!

After von Toity has driven away, Callaghan stares up into the rainy sky and yells “KENJIROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

[Action Hank]

DAMN KENJIRO!

[Vinny]

This was totally bitching awesome.