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FTUW's MURDERGEDDON RESSURRECTION (#24)

 
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Vinny
[00:10] How can you get an erect dick into your own ass?
Joined: 16 Jan 2007
Posts: 5181
(Wed Jun 06, 2007 12:15 pm)
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Post     FTUW's MURDERGEDDON RESSURRECTION (#24)

The screen is black, the sound of a heartbeat crawling out the darkness and growing louder and increasing in pace until it's almost deafening. The repeated beeping of an EKG machine joins the heartbeat, the rhythm increasing as the heart pumps at fatal speeds. FROM OUT OF GODDAMNED NOWHERE, a guitar begins to squeal violently as the letters "F T U W" grow from a single white dot in the center of THE BLACKNESS. AS THE GUITAR REACHES ITS BREAKING POINT, THE LETTERS VIBRATE RETARDEDLY UNTIL THEY EXPLODE. The song is "Coronary Coitus" by Viscerape. The lead singer, Leitch, belts out a MONSTROUS GROAN in tune to footage of ANT KING SCREAMING BLOOD as Corey Nguyen turns his TORSO into a BLACK HOLE.

#FUNGYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!#

Handsomus R. Awesome and Perfect Theldorrin clash FIST to GUITAR high above a smoldering ring. Sella Phayne's SKULL folds around a STEEL POLE swung by Super Queerbasher. Jack Masteron SPEWS from the top of Bin Destruction's head like a GEYSER and the two begin FENCING with hatchets and boxcutters.

#GUOOOOOBEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!#

Rakkyu Saketumi FLIES TOWARD Theldorrin XIV with a SMOKING HOLE in his CRANIUM. Guan Fei's own spear is driven DEEP into his ORBITAL CAVITY. Jack Masterson's arm of Abaddon tears out Handsomus' throat. Lunar Plexus BURSTS out of the ground and MILITARY PRESSES a chariot and its horses. Ant King SCREAMS and vomits up a SWARM OF HORNETS. Fancy Lala rolls around on the floor, shitting his pants, before the footage switches over to Kuroda plucking out Jonesie's eyeball with his toes.

#I'MGONNAFUCKYOUI'MGONNAFUCKYOUI'MGONNAFUCKYOU!#

Steve Austin Stunners A FUCKING WAVE OF ACID SOMEHOW! Saketumi and Jack Daniels HEADBUTT EACH OTHER OVER AND OVER, CAUSING THE GROUND AT THEIR FEET TO CRACK! Theldorrin XIV hovers above FUCK MOUNTAIN, wielding a massive MOLTEN BOULDER.

#I'MGONNAFUCKYOUI'MGONNAFUCKYOUI'MGONNAFUCKYOU!#

Moloch Arschloch bites off Saito's fingers. Bin Destruction CRASHES DOWN FROM OUTER SPACE and collides into Puff Ryder's chest. The ILLUSIONIST DROPS THE GODDAMNED MOON ON LUNAR PLEXUS' SHOULDERS.

#I can't resist it! Beatin' your bones with mah dick
I can't deny it! Fuck your guts so I can drink the sick (FUUUUCK)#

Rakkyu Saketumi stands unconscious, dead, in his friends' arms, gripping the World Title belt tightly. A minigun BURSTS from ANT KING'S FUCKING ASS and STARTS FIRING ROUND AFTER ROUND as he feeds ammo down his goddamned throat.

#BALLS DEEP IN THE DEAD I DON'T WANNA PART
TAKE MY HAND AS I LOVE YOUR HEART (FUUUUUCK)#

Charles Bronson emerges from a hardware store with chainsaws replacing his arms and legs. Kanzaki Kenjiro punches Dwayne Guan mid-Jade Spear, causing his body to turn inside-out and explode. Harry Underwood BURSTS out of a GIANT, HANGING CORPSE wrapped into PUTRID INTESTINES.

#IT'S COMING! DISMEMBER WITH MY MEMBER SO I CAN DEVOUR YOUR DEATH#
#IT'S COMING! FUCK YOUR LUNGS AS YOU TAKE YOUR LAST BREATH#

McHarris CLOTHESLINES THROUGH A FUCKING CAR. GUAN FEI AND THELDORRIN XIV FALL WHILE HUNDREDS OF FEET ABOVE GROUND, TRADING FISTS. HANDSOMUS R. AWESOME CRASHES A COMET INTO MADISON SQUARE GARDEN, BROUGHT BACK FROM THE DEAD. DANIELS, KENJIRO, HANDSOMUS, AND GUAN FEI ROCK THE FUCK OUT AND ERADICATE THELDORRIN OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH! Robert McCoy SHEDS a few tear before he EXPLODES, DESTROYING A GODDAMNED STATE.

#COR-O-NARY COITUS (JIZZ IN YOUR BLOOD)#
COR-O-NARY COITUS (SWALLOW MY MAN MUD)#

The music reaches it CRESCENDO as FUCK MOUNTAIN CRASHES INTO THE PACIFIC OCEAN, DESTROYING SOUTHEAST ASIA AND KILLING MILLIONS! The FUCKING FTUW logo BURSTS THROUGH A BRICK WALL, BLOOD and BONES and ABORTED FETUSES spurting from the hole for some reason. The SCREEN FADES TO FUCKING BLACK.

FTUW Entertainment 2010. All Rights Reserved.


Last edited by Vinny on Sat Aug 11, 2007 3:01 pm; edited 2 times in total
Vinny
[00:10] How can you get an erect dick into your own ass?
Joined: 16 Jan 2007
Posts: 5181
(Wed Jun 06, 2007 11:02 pm)
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Post     Re: FTUW's MURDERGEDDON RESSURRECTION

Branson, Richonia. The most progressive city in all of New America, although that isn’t saying much. The streets of Branson distinguish themselves of their lack of blood, sloshed into mean-spirited graffiti or not. There is an actual sewage system in place in Branson, and all waste is transported through it and cleaned at the water treatment plant instead of being dumped onto town’s weakest child. Actual foliage grows within the city limits, and it’s made of leaves and wood instead of razors and bones.

Under Baron Hoity von Toity, Branson is the closest to a utopia the downtrodden folk of New America can hope for. But this pristine peace won’t last for long, since the motherfucking FTUW is in town!

The platinum-plated and bejeweled gates, a poor investment on the city council’s part as all the platinum and jewels on the outside of the gate has been stripped off, slowly part to let the surly and extremely hideous ilk of New America within its walls.

“WRESTLING!” one goon with broken bottles for teeth screams before getting a candelabra shoved into throat. Ah, wrestling, the sport of kings. It has only been one month since wrestling has been restored to the collective consciousness, previously suppressed in the minds of the people by unknown forces. When Toity played a collage of gruesome and explicit images taken from FTUW PPVS, New America’s manly and sweaty memories of professional wrestling returned.

Within the McHarris’ Hairy Sack Memorial Stadium is all the flash and flamethrowers one would expect from an FTUW, despite current economic conditions. Murder-obsessed have been screaming for hours on end until blood starts to rise up from their gullet from their shredded vocal chords. At the FTUW Drunk Zone, staff spray down the fans with grain alcohol and make bets onto who will be the first to foolishly light a cigarette. As event staff join in the numerous rapes occurring throughout the plush arena, giant television screens show footage from previous PPVS, footage thought to have been lost forever. Yes, it’s exactly like any FTUW PPV, except the fans are slightly dirtier.

J.R.: HELLO FOLKS, THIS IS GOOD OL’ J.R. AND IT’S GREAT TO BE BACK IN THE SADDLE! For those of you privileged enough to own a TV out there in New America, this is the FTUW’s first PPV in exactly three years! After the tragic events of Death Race 2007 when just about goddamned everybody died, we were put in retirement. That is, until we were enslaved by the monstrous Caligula. But that asshole is dead, and wrestling is back!

W.W.: Ahem.

J.R.: Oh, in my excitement, I forgot to introduce my ever-vigilant broadcast partner, WARRIOR WARRIOR.

W.W.: THAT’S RIGHT, JIM. HELLO WARRIORS, all across NEW AMERICA. Now that FAT QUEER FAGGOT ASSHOLE CALIGULA IS DEAD, his BLOODSPORT has been absorbed by the FTUW. All hail Baron Hoity von Toity!

J.R.: What does that mean? Well, we’re not on leashes anymore, but what it means to YOU, the FAN, is MORE ACTION, more BLOOD, more VISCERAL EXPLOSIONS. I’m sure McHarris would be proud to see us continue his lineage in the year 2010, 3 years after we assumed he would’ve destroyed the planet, God bless his soul.

Meanwhile, floating within a giant zeppelin floating above the stadium.

“The initial Pay-Per-View buys are in, sir, and despite 50% of New America unable to receive this PPV you’ve still made a killing,” Wilson P. Hickenbottom says, flipping through some papers.

“Yes yes, that’s all well and good,” Toity mutters, sitting on his throne composed of gold-plated corpses of several endangered species. “But how is Richonia doing, defense wise?”

“Surprisingly well, Baron,” Hickenbottom replies. “Despite holding an FTUW event, everything seems to be calm on our borders. It seems Zeed’s pushing his armies towards the land held by the Chinese Kombo King.”

“Old feuds die hard, apparently,” Toity says. “So then, no appearances from our friends outside the walls?”

”Not yet, but they can’t be pleased you’ve resurrected the FTUW. They must be watching.”

“Well, let them watch!” Toity smiles. He raises his cane and admires the craftsmanship. The shaft is composed of none other than the bones of James Brock McHarris’ right arm, recovered at the sight of his death in New York, covered tastefully in all the finest metals and jewels.

“We’ll give that group quite a show!”
Spamdini
Joined: 22 Jan 2007
Posts: 1322
(Sun Jun 10, 2007 6:34 pm)
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Post     Re: FTUW's MURDERGEDDON RESSURRECTION

The crowd is filled with the types of emotions that can only be expressed once in a lifetime. For some it’s on their wedding day. For some, it’s the day they’ve achieved their greatest life goal. Others still, it’s the day they are liberated from oppression. But for these people, it’s the prospect of witnessing FTUW live after a long, three-year hiatus. The ring is set up and composed of traditional canvas mat and ropes as opposed to the flesh mat that Caligula had used. The timekeeper rings the bell and Reginald Lightning proudly grabs the microphone and prepares to perform the job he was born to do without fearing his psychotic older brother.

Lightning: This is the first match of our 14-man tournament to determine the NEW FTUW CHAMPION! But first, a tribute to our last FTUW champion, Robert McCoy.

Robert McCoy being vaporized in a nuclear explosion is played on the Faggotron. Everyone shares a good laugh.

Lightning: First, from our prehistoric past, weighing in at 390 pounds, THRAK!

Spotlights shine on the filthy caveman while heavy metal music accompanied by the sound of stones being struck together rhythmically blare as Thrak makes his way to the ring. He picks insects out of his ample body hair as the crowd foams at the mouth and resort to cannibalism in order to truly express how FUCKING STOKED they are a this very moment.

Lightning: And his opponents, weighing in at an approximate combined weight of 400 pounds, from Martinsville, VA, this…is…SPARTAAAAAAAA!

Al Sparta walks to the ring, carrying his brother on his back. Those unfamiliar with the brothers boo them for seemingly planning on double-teaming the charismatic caveman. Their theme music is spoken word poetry written and performed by Frank Miller, consisting mostly of nonsensical one-liners that are as over-the-top hardass as possible.

JR: For those who don’t know the brothers Sparta yet, they are twins with different psychic abilities that allow them to alter the laws of physics. Only one can be “activated” at a given time and damage that one endures is transferred to the other, allowing them to enter matches as a single person.

Warrior: It’s still cheating under the Warrior code! Warrior code rule #1: All fights are man-to-man! Warrior code rule #2: Weapons are for weak pussies! Warrior code rule #3: JESUS CHRIST IS OUR SAVIOR! Warrior code rule #4: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! Warrior code rule #5: Face paint grants you power!

JR: Er, yes, the Warrior code is fascinating, but can we save the next 495 rules for later this time?

Warrior: WHAT’S WARRIOR CODE RULE #89?!

JR: Sigh…to interrupt Warrior is to give way to faggotry.

Warrior: That’s right, JR! These were rules passed down by Warriors past! Don’t blaspheme them! Now where was I?

JR: Uh…you were calling Sparta a queer, I think.

Warrior: Oh yeah! Those queers!

Al Sparta starts the match off and enters the ring. The bell rings and Thrak instinctively takes this as a sign to attack. He charges at Al, dragging his thick, hairy kuckles against the man. However, the Sparta merely stands still and increases the gravity around Thraks so that he is stopped in his tracks. He struggles as he stands just a couple feet in front of Al Sparta, but cannot move an inch.

JR: Looks like the evolution of man has proven to be the victor already.

Warrior: Evolution? Even in a league with talking dogs and a bearman, I’m surprised you believe in that fantasy garbage!

Thrak grins as he swings a meaty fist straight at Al Sparta! Constantly dragging his knuckles against the ground combined with his immense strength makes the intense gravity around him insignificant as Sparta is knocked across the ring. However, he was able to lessen the gravity around Thrak’s fist in order to reduce its weight. Showing brilliance that is very uncharacteristic of him, Thrak jumps straight up in the air and performs a Rolling Stone straight down at this opponent. Al Sparta has to resort to reducing the gravity above him so that the move will not connect. However, Thrak begins swimming through the gravityless air and latches onto Al Sprata, biting into his shoulder!

JR: Bah gawd, he’s gonna eat Al Sparta like an Oklahoma 50-ounce steak!

But Thrak’s jaws are pried off of his limp prey as he is German suplexed into an electromagnetic surface much harder than a canvas mat! Nick Sparta rubs his bleeding shoulder, but grins nevertheless.

Nick: Let’s see how hard that thick skull of yours is.

Thrak is able to kip to his feet, mostly unharmed. His primitive skeletal structure having been toughened by eating animal bones and slamming his body against rocks for no particular reason, even the highly durable surface Nick Sparta created was not enough to deliver significant damage. Thrak ooks and whistles, causing the arena to buzz. Prehistoric wasps fly up from under the ring and fly into the ring! Among them is the queen wasp, which is 10 feet long with a 5 foot stinger! They begin to sting and murder the crowd mercilessly before Thrak whistles again and directs their rage towards Nick Sparta.

Surrounded on all sides, Nick realizes he only has one way to escape this unscathed.

Nick: Damn! Even if I’m better suited for taking this guy on that Al, I guess I’ve got no choice!

Nick presses himself against the turnbuckle and waits for all the wasps to be sufficiently close.

Nick: NOW! ROCKIN’ A HARD PLACE!

Nick unleashes an electromagnetic wave that repels all of the wasps and sends them flying in all directions! Many of them splatter against the arena walls or explode against random fans. Thrak headbutts his way through the mat in order to hide underneath. He reemerges and beats his chest like an ape out of rage. However, an exhausted Nick Sparta can no longer so much as stand and switches back to Al.

Wondering why his opponent is now asleep, an agitated Thrak grabs the queen wasp, which was the only one not killed by the attack. He rips off her stinger and wields it like a sword as he charges Nick. Al is able to make it there just in time to reduce gravity so that he may jump 50 feet in the air with Thrak. He takes the confused caveman and places him in a powerbomb while increasing gravity ten-fold.

Al: HIGH GRAVITY POWERBOMB!

However, the succession of high effort techniques has left Al’s body somewhat cramped. Unable to properly hold the powerbomb, Thrak is able to power out of the hold and places Al Sparta in the most ancient wrestling attack ever: the SLEEPER HOLD! But this is no ordinary sleeper hold! Raw and uninhibited by the modern rules of wrestling that the sport would evolve into, this sleeper hold is applied to AL SPARTA’S TESTICLES! Intense pain flows through Al Sparta’s body and he begins to black out in mid-air. If only Nick hadn’t used Rockin’ A Hard Place so recklessly…

With that, Al Sparta passes out and gravity turns back to normal. Thrak releases the hold and Al Sparta hits the mat hard. The referee waits for a pin, but Thrak is too busy ooking and running around the ring. Seeing the state of both Sparta brothers, he decides to call for the bell anyways.

Lightning: And here is your winner by knockout…THRAK!

Warrior: Ha ha ha, wait to go science fags!
Big Fagot
Alpha ape
Joined: 09 Jan 2007
Posts: 10544
(Sun Jun 10, 2007 9:09 pm)
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Post     Re: FTUW's MURDERGEDDON RESSURRECTION

JR: I'm JR!

WW: HOT SHIT LET'S DO THIS

Fala Baba squints menacingly at Harry Underwood. "I aim to destroy human life," he declares, "but half-human-half-bear will be a good warmup!"

Underwood cracks his neck and pulls out a grappling hook. "I've come prepared with the ... bear essentials!" He throws it up to the roof of a nearby building and starts climbing. This takes several minutes. When he gets to the top, he jumps off and falls down 10 stories face first, then smashes his fist straight down into Fala Baba's fucking head!

JR: Bah Christ! That's it! Fala Baba has died!

WW: This is giving me a ... murderection!

Harry Underwood turns and walks away. However, something stops him!

"What'th the matter," lisps Fala Baba, "ith the GREAT AMERICAN THATAN calling you to do hith heterothexthual thatanic bidding?"

FALA BABA IS GETTING UP! THIS IS THE MOST INCREDIBLE THING IN THE HISTORY OF THE FTUW, AND FUCK EVERYTHING ELSE THAT EVER HAPPENED BECAUSE I SAID IT STRAIGHT OUT AND IT'S CANON.

Harry Underwood smiles respectfully, and begins turning into a bear. "You are truly a worthy opponent!" he declares. "This feeling ... it's excitement! You are the most powerful enemy I have ever faced!"

"I could thay the thame, thilly," says Fala Baba, limpening both his wrists in the ultimate stance of his gay Arabian style. "Rethieve this fitht that containth all of my thoul!"

Fala Baba and Harry Underwood sprint at each other! Underwood swipes with his claws! Baba flips and executes the Horse Cutter (it's an axe kick)! They land on opposite sides of each other.

"I got you, mithter," says Baba. Harry Underwood falls to one knee and falls out of his bear form! His cheek bleeds, I suppose.

"I got you better," says Underwood. Suddenly, several of Baba's internal organs slice in half, even though his skin is unbroken! He also falls to his knees. Underwood stands up and faces him.

JR: This match ...

WW: ... is over.

Baba stands back up, despite everything! "Underthtand thith, Harry Underwood," he says weakly, coughing blood. "Our battle ... will never end!" His fucking stomach explodes and blood goes everywhere! It's exactly gruesome enough that he could easily never be mentioned again and it would be assumed that he's dead, but also it would be very plausible for him to survive. I wouldn't mind ... being under ... HIS wood ... With that final thought, he dies/loses consciousness.

"Fala Baba," says Harry Underwood. His face is streaked with tears! "Fala Baba ... I willingly receive your soul!" He holds up a fist in a gesture of supreme respect. The entire audience does the same. Harry Underwood leaves the ring victorious as the fans weep and toss rose petals at his feet.
Vinny
[00:10] How can you get an erect dick into your own ass?
Joined: 16 Jan 2007
Posts: 5181
(Sun Jun 10, 2007 9:23 pm)
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Post     Re: FTUW's MURDERGEDDON RESSURRECTION

W.W..: Who would have ever thought that Fala Lala would have lost.

J.R.: His name is Fala Baba.

W.W.: Yeah, him too.

J.R.: Well, our next match up is certainly an interesting one. For the second time in FTUW history, we have a female competitor! And this one looks like she’ll actually compete, as opposed to the Whore of Babylon who just got our ring dirty by rubbing her crotch all over it.

W.W.: Yes, and she’s taking on the Glorious Titan, who isn’t so glorious since he’s never won a match. Regardless, the female sex is a weak one, so Titan is probably smash her with his axe and degrade her with his oily balls.

J.R.: But Warrior, Gigi trained with the former New Empire of the Damned champion, Hard’Rok! And she’s learned a thing or two from Raven, a former professional wrestler!

W.W.: Pft! Come on, Jim! You know what Raven has? Cancer. Jesus, what a pussy!

J.R.: I don’t seem to follow.

W.W.: James Brock McHarris once had cancer, you know. And you know what he did? He just fucking blew his nose and that shit came flying out.

J.R.: But that was fraud! Remember, he admitted to it and everything!

W.W.: Please. That’s a p/c liberal fairy tale if I’ve ever heard one.

J.R.: And it looks like Reginald Lightning is being wheeled to the ring on a dolly, so this match is about to get underway.

Hooks descend from the ceiling and FTUW staff quickly attaches them to slots in the hastily-constructed neck brace that keeps Reginald Lightning’s throat from exploding. Slowly, the hooks are raised and Reginald is lifted into the ring.

Lightning: Our next match is set for ONE FALL. Coming to the ring first, hailing from ANCIENT ROME and WEIGHING IN AT 290 POUNDS … GLORIOUS TITAAAAAAN!

The sound waves from Lightning’s voice reverberate through the arena until a strobe light is knocked loose from the ceiling that falls and flies down a fan’s throat that was in mid-scream. Surprisingly, he is somehow still alive.

Some Roman-esque music hits, which is horns and shit I guess, and Glorious Titan RIDES OUT onto the BACK OF A LION. Using his AXE, he drives it into the lion’s skull and uses the handle to stir it. The lion crashes into the side of the ring and Glorious Titan FLIPS INTO THE RING GRACEFULLY, his dick slapping against his thigh repeatedly. Also, the fan who just swallowed the light is electrocuted and his stomach acid boils and detonates inside of his stomach, killing him.

J.R.: Hm, Glorious Titan is staggering around the ring a bit. He doesn’t look like he’s fighting condition.

Titan leans over the ropes and VOMITS a STORM of MEAT and WINE onto the front row fans, who happily celebrate bathing in an FTUW superstar’s sick.

W.W.: That’s just a part of his training, J.R.! He gorges on himself on the finest Roman foods prior to the match and proceeds to spew his bounty on the unworthy commoners that cheer his name. There’s no better way to prepare for a man like Titan!

Lightning: And his opponent … HAILING from the NEW EMPIRE OF THE DAMNED and WEIGHING IN AT a weight appropriate for an ATHLETIC WOMAAAN … GEEEEEEE GEEEEEEE!

The lights dim to a near-pitch black and some Goth-esque music hits, which is horns and shit I guess, and GIGI RIDES OUT on an OFFICE CHAIR with bottle rockets attached to the side. As she flies towards the ring, shooting colorful sparks, she holds her half of the Castlevania Tag Titles above her head. With a leap, she BOUNDS from the CHAIR and into the RING.

J.R.: What an entrance! Warrior, your thoughts on Gigi?

W.W.: I expected her to look dumpy. To be honest, the Warrior wouldn’t mind bagging this broad. Once she sees my dick, that’ll give her something to mope about!

J.R.: Uh.

W.W.: Fuck you, Jim.

THE BELL SOUNDS and GIGI and TITAN simultaneously SPRING TOWARDS EACH OTHER. Instantly, they both brandish their weapons seemingly from nowhere and CLASH STEEL AGAINST STEEL, CHAIR AGAINST AXE.

J.R.: It looks like Gigi has learned well from Hard’Rok!

The clanging of metal can be heard through out the arena as the two fighters push each other across the ring. With a MIGHTY SWING of his AXE, Titan tears Gigi’s STEEL CHAIR in HALF, leaving her defenseless. As Titan goes in for the kill, Gigi OPENS HER MOUTH and SPITS OUT a TINY CHAIR.

J.R.: Wait, what?

The CHAIR bounces off Titan’s CRANIUM, stunning him briefly. As he CHARGES FORWARD AGAIN, GIGI begins SPITTING out TINY STEEL CHAIRS LIKE A MACHINE GUN. The little pieces of furniture strike Titan’s QUASI-MUSCULAR FRAME and bounce off violently, leaving giant bruises. Gigi continues her assault, squatting down in the center of the ring and PUSHING on her INFLATED CHEEKS.

J.R.: This doesn’t make any sense!

W.W.: Hard’Rok piloted a giant robot made of chairs. This is completely believable.

Taking the handle of his AXE, Titan JAMS it into his GUT and BARFS a mighty STREAM of VIOLET VOMIT at the CHAIRS, pushing them back. Gigi cowers and yanks a massive chair out of her fishnet sleeve to protect her from the vomit. Once the puking is done, she peeks out from behind the metal to see GLORIOUS TITAN holding a TORCH.

J.R.: Wait a minute, no! His wine-soaked vomit!

BOOOOOM! A BLAZING INFERNO FILLS the RING and OVERTAKES GIGI. In desperation, she leaps STRAIGHT OUT of the FIRE into the AIR only to find GLORIOUS TITAN waiting for her, perched on a turnbuckle. Before she can react, TITAN JUMPS AFTER HER and DRIVES an ELBOW into HER NECK. Gigi hits the mat with a sickening thud.

W.W.: Told you so, Jim.

Titan hits the ground RUNNING and LEAPS on TOP OF GIGI.

J.R.: And here’s the pin!

OOOOOOONE!




TWOOOOOOO!




J.R.: Wait a minute, he’s not pinning her. He’s, oh God.

W.W.: How could you not see this coming?

“NOW YOU’RE MIIIIINE,” TITAN SAYS, SLOBBERING OVER THE UNCONSCIOUS GIGI. Slowly, he moves down past her jet-black corset and lifts her jet-black skirt. REACHING DOWN with his PLUMP FINGERS, he begins to pull back her panties and …

PRAAAANK! A STEEL CHAIR WRAPPED IN BARBED WIRE FLIES OUT OF GIGI’S CROTCH and COLLIDES WITH TITAN’S THROAT. Gigi SMIRKS TRIUMPHANTLY as TITAN SPEWS BLOOD.

“HIDEBUUUUU!” he says as HE STAGGERS BACKWARDS and HITS THE ROPES. Wasting no time, Gigi kips to her feet and brandishes two more JET BLACK CHAIRS.

“I am Empress Gigi! In the name of the New Empire of the Damned, I must punish you!” she says, posing with her chairs. “I will right wrongs and triumph over evil … and that means you!”

Blood SPRAYS into the air as she BASHES the HELPLESS TITAN with a DOUBLE CHAIR SHOT LEVEL 1. The ugly mug of the time-traveling Roman gets even uglier as the HEAVY METAL GIGI WIELDS RENDERS HER FACE INTO HAMBURGER. BAM! Glorious Titan slumps down, his knees buckling, the ropes the only thing holding him up!

W.W.: This is impossible! Gigi … SHE HAS A VAGINA!

J.R.: And she HAS this match, Jim!

“T-This … this is not glorious …” Titan weakly mutters to himself, blood cascading down his face. “I’LL SHOW YOU GLORY!”

BOOOOM! TITAN’S MIGHTY HAUNCH OF A LEG FLIES FORWARD, SLAMMING INTO GIGI’S TWO CHAIRS AND TURNING THEM TO SHRAPNEL.

J.R.: NO! IT’S THE FRONT KICK OF GLORY!

W.W.: ALL IS RIGHT IN THE JUNGLE.

GIGI’S HEAVILY MASCARED EYES BULGE OUT WHEN TITAN’S BIG BOOT SLAMS INTO HER GUT, NEARLY TURNING HER INSIDE OUT. LIKE THE MOVE IS DESIGNED TO DO, IT BEGINS SHATTERING ALL OF HER BONES.

… THAT IS, IF SHE HAD BONES!

J.R.: WHAT THE HELL?!

GIGI EXPLODES INTO A TORNADO OF CHAIRS THAT BEGIN SPINNING AROUND THE RING, TEARING SHIT UP.

W.W.: This is just stupid!

The STEEL WINDS lift TITAN and HURL him into the CENTER OF THE RING. AS HE FALLS, HE SUDDENLY LANDS ON A COMFORTABLE PADDED STEEL CHAIR. However, he looks up to see a GIANT BALL OF STEEL CHAIRS DROPPING ONTO HIM.

THE BALL SLAMS INTO HIM, IMPACTING HIM INTO THE MAT. The CHAIRS REFORM ONTO GIGI and SHE HOPS ONTO THE FLABBY BEAST.

OOOOOOOOONE!



TWOOOOOOOOO!




THREEEEEEEEEE! GIGI WINS!

W.W.: THIS DOESN’T MAKE SENSE! SHE HAS NO Y CHROMOSONE.

J.R.: And folks, Gigi is moving onto the next round to face HARRY UNDERWOOD!
Vinny
[00:10] How can you get an erect dick into your own ass?
Joined: 16 Jan 2007
Posts: 5181
(Sun Jun 10, 2007 9:23 pm)
Reply

Post     Re: FTUW's MURDERGEDDON RESSURRECTION

J.R.: And now we go onto our fourth match of the night between the indomitable, the invincible, the steadily declining in the ranks LUNAR PLEXUS up against-

W.W.: That faggot chink no one likes, Chinky McChinkero.

J.R.: Please, Warrior.

W.W.: Oh come on, why are we even bothering to have this match? Lunar Plexus takes bigger SHITS than Kenjiro. And they could probably fight better than that dainty slant.

J.R.: Regardless of the size or fighting prowess of Lunar Plexus’ bowel movements, Kenjiro isn’t that bad of a fight. He’s a bad run of luck as of late, but so has Plexus. Personally, it’s not as one-sided as you think.

W.W.: The CORN in Lunar Plexus’ MEGA DUMPS could SUBJUGATE Kenjiro, turning him into the little bitch that he is.

J.R.: And folks, the winner of this match will go onto face Axelrod Waylyn, who received a bye into the second round.

W.W.: And Plexus’ corn is so goddamned manly, Kenjiro would turn into a woman and and then HE WOULD FUCK HIM.

J.R.: The announcer Reginald Lightning is in the ring now so let’s go him.

W.W.: And the corn would father Kenjiro’s children with his, uh, CORN COCK.

Jets of BOILING HOT STEAM shoot out from the sides of the black metal construct attached to Reginald’s bulging neck. FTUW attendants are scalded so bad their face skin melts off.

Lightning: The next match is SET FOR ONE FALL. Coming to the ring FIRST … HAILING FROM THE MYSTICAL REALM OF THE ORIENT and WEIGHING IN AT 230 POUNDS … KENJIROOOO KANZAAAAKI!

An musty old tape of Kaientai’s entrance theme is shoved into the sound system and GENERIC ASIAN ROCK is BLARED from the SPEAKERS. Kanzaki Kenjiro appears on the entrance ramp to cheers, his hands shoved in his pockets and a cigarette dangling from his lip. As he steps forward, the lights reflect off the numerous silver trinkets on his uniform, blinding everyone in the front row.

J.R.: Here he is, Kenjiro Kanzaki, one of the two surviving FTUW superstars!

W.W.: How unfortunate for us!

Lightning: And his OPPONENT … HAILING from CASTLEVANIA and WEIGHING IN AT 1000 POUNDS … LUNAAAAR PLEEEEXUUUUS!

PLEXUS STEPS OUT ONTO THE ENTRANCE RAMP, HIS HEAD BURSTING THROUGH THE BOTTOM OF THE FAGGOTRON. He is IMMEDIATELY SHOWERED with a CHORUS OF BOOS (because he’s a bad guy, remember?) but Plexus could give a shit. With his BULGING CHIN POINTED UPWARDS, he marches with an AIR OF SELF-IMPORTANCE towards the RING.

J.R.: 1000 pounds? So Lunar Plexus has put on 100 pounds since Elegy of Extinction?

W.W.: And he looks taller, too! Like 6 inches taller, even!

Plexus stands just outside of the ring, his fists on his hips as he stares down Kenjiro. Lifting his leg, he can’t quite get his FOOT high enough to step over the top rope from the outside. Shrugging, he begins GRABBING FANS FROM THE AUDIENCE and begins TOSSING THEM at a PILE at the APRON. Once a suitable pile has been formed, LUNAR PLEXUS STEPS ON TOP, CRUSHING THEIR BONES, AND ENTERS THE RING.

J.R.: That son of a bitch! Why would he go ahead and do something like that!

W.W.: That’s style, Jim! You can’t just win the title with FIGHTING ABILITY and a HUGE PENIS alone! I mean look at these neon ropes I tied to my arms? That’s how I was able to DEFEAT HUUULK HOO-GAAAN.

J.R.: You may have a point there, Warrior. An entrance like that certainly can strike fear into your opponents. But looking at Kenjiro, he doesn’t seem the least bit fazed!

W.W.: Pft. Kenjiro’s just so boring he actually BORED himself to SLEEP! He doesn’t know what he’s in for!

As Plexus scrapes the guts off his boot, THE BELL SOUNDS. KENJIRO IMMEDIATELY DARTS FORWARDS, HIS HANDS IN HIS POCKETS AND HIM SOMEHOW FLYING FORWARD WITHOUT HIS FEET TOUCHING THE GROUND. As Plexus’ SAUSAGE FINGERS slowly pick a smashed eye ball off the SOLE, Kenjiro LEAPS into the AIR. Pulling his HANDS BACK, HE LETS A BATTLE CRY.

J.R.: IT’S THE ETERNAL LOOP! ALREADY?!

W.W.: T-THAT’S CHEATING!

“ORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORA!” KENJIRO SCREAMS, FIRING OFF A BLINDING SERIES OF PUNCHES RIGHT INTO LUNAR PLEXUS’ CHEST. As the PUNCHES dig into PLEXUS’ BODY, Plexus’ expression doesn’t change! In fact, he doesn’t seem to EVEN NOTICE as he prods a tooth jammed into his shoe with his fingernail.

“Buzz off, shithead,” Plexus says, FLICKING KENJIRO IN THE FOREHEAD. THE TITANIC BLOW sends him HURLING ACROSS THE ROOM before ultimately SLAMMING INTO A RING POST.

W.W.: Haha! Would you look at that! Kenjiro isn’t shit to Plexus, my hero!

J.R.: Kenjiro has never gone up against Lunar Plexus. I’m not sure he’s prepared for this!

Kenjiro, slumped up against the turnbuckle, mutters a curse and pulls down the bill of his cap. Already Plexus has drawn blood and he’s done with the simple flick of his index finger. Cautiously, Kenjiro lifts himself up and approaches the God-like Plexus.

“Just brute strength won’t cut it here …” Kenjiro thinks to himself. “I gotta come up with a plan.”

As Kenjiro DASHES FORWARD again, PLEXUS is cleaning out his ear with his PINKY. Moving forward, LUNAR fires OFF a KICK that TEARS THROUGH THE AIR, CARRYING HUNDREDS OF POUNDS of FORCE BEHIND IT. With incredible GRACE, KENJIRO shifts his WEIGHT TO THE SIDE and AVOIDS THE BLOW while STILL CLOSING THE GAP. Taking his PALMS, he JAMS THEM INTO Plexus’ ENDLESS AMOUNT OF ABS. As quickly as he attacked, Kenjiro retreats, pulling his HANDS to HIS SIDE.

BOOOOM! TWO PALM SHAPE INDENTATIONS APPEAR ON PLEXUS’ STOMACH, Kenjiro CREATING A VACUUM when he pulled his hands away to SLAM PLEXUS with INTENSE PRESSURE. Plexus belches and the indentations vanish.

J.R.: Plexus is toying with Kenjiro! It really does look hopeless!

Spitting out his CIGARETTE, KENJIRO BEGINS ZIG-ZAGGING TOWARDS PLEXUS for a THIRD STRIKE. Taking the BALL OF WAX he dug out, Plexus smirks and FLICKS IT TOWARDS KENJIRO, launching it like a YELLOW FASTBALL. Sliding SIDEWAYS, the WAX BALL SLAMS ONLY into KENJIRO’S ARM, SLICING IT OPEN and DRAWING MORE BLOOD.

W.W.: Haha! Plexus is the best!

Plexus yawns and WAVES HIS HAND LAZILY, almost TAKING OFF KENJIRO’S HEAD who ducked just in time. The wind from the attack snatches Kenjiro’s hat off his head, but he quickly snags it back before it can fly too far away. PLEXUS’ HAND returns, ready to BACKHAND KENJIRO to OBLIVION, but KENJIRO CREATES A SERIES OF VACUUMS IN THE AIR WITH THE FLICK OF HIS WRIST, ALTERING THE PATH OF PLEXUS’ BEEFY HAND SLIGHTLY.

With a FROWN, PLEXUS takes his FIST and HURLS A SHORT UPPERCUT that STARTS from the BOTTOM OF THE MAT, not allowing KENJIRO the OPPORTUNITY to DUCK IT! However, the BEHEMOTH FIST only SCRATCHES the VERY TIP of KENJIRO’S NOSE as Kenjiro as DROPPED on his BACK and BEGAN BASEBALL SLIDING BETWEEN PLEXUS’ LEGS.

Slamming a FIST into the MAT, KENJIRO CRANES HIS LEG UP AND TAKES AIM FOR PLEXUS’ CROTCH.

J.R.: IT’S NOT … IT CAN’T BE!

“ATATATATATATATATATATA!!” KENJIRO HOWLS, CHUN-LI KICKING THE HOLY SHIT OUT OF LUNAR PLEXUS’ BALLS. PLEXUS’ FACE SHADOWS OVER AS KENJIRO KNOCKS HIS FUCKING JUNK AROUND WITH A THOUSAND LIGHTNING KICKS.

W.W.: HOW HEINOUS!

AS THE SMOKE CLEARS, LUNAR PLEXUS CAN BE SEEN GRINNING EAR TO EAR.

J.R.: WHAT?! HE WAS UNAFFECTED?

“Ho ho ho,” Plexus chuckles, “As your puny stick legs could manage to damage even one hair on my MIGHTY MOONS.

STUNNED AT THIS TURN OF EVENTS, KENJIRO DOESN’T SEE PLEXUS PLUCKING KENJIRO BY HIS COLLAR and TOSSING HIM INTO THE AIR. While SPINNING HOPELESSLY in MID-AIR, PLEXUS REACHES INTO HIS TIGHTS AND PULLS OUT HIS MASSIVE FUCKING DICK.

J.R.: OH GOD.

W.W.: YES! YES!

WOBBLE WOBBLE WOBBLE sounds PLEXUS’ DICK as HE SHAKES IT DEFIANTLY. YANKING IT BACK, HE SWINGS HIS COCK WITH ALL HIS MIGHT, SLAMMING INTO KENJIRO’S RIB CAGE. BLOOD DRIPS FROM THE CRACKS BETWEEN HIS TEETH AND LUNAR’S BONE BEATS HIS BONES.

“HOOOOOMERUUUUUN!” PLEXUS BEAMS as KENJIRO IS SENT TOWARDS THE RAFTERS.

J.R.: BAH GAWD! HE JUST KNOCKED HIM OUT OF THE PARK WITH HIS DICK! THIS IS CERTAINLY AN EMBARASSING DAY FOR KENJIRO KANZAKI!

But Kenjiro suddenly STOPS IN MID-FLIGHT, as if he were ATTACHED TO A ROPE. Kenjiro’s ARM IS OUTSTRETCHED, HIS OPEN HAND POINTING TOWARDS Lunar Plexus! Suddenly, Kenjiro begins FLYING towards Lunar Plexus and Plexus LOOKS down to SEE A BIG BLUE VEIN ON HIS DICK RIP ITSELF FREE AND FLY TOWARDS KENJIRO!

J.R.: A VACUUM! HE USED A VACUUM ON LUNAR PLEXUS’ DICK VEIN!

As PLEXUS’ FACE WASHES OVER IN HORROR, KENJIRO SNATCHES PLEXUS’ DICK VEIN IN MID-AIR. WITH A QUICK SWIPE OF HIS PALM, THE VEIN EXPLODES and STARTS SHOOTING BLOOD INTO THE AIR.

W.W.: NO! NO! THIS CAN’T BE HAPPENING!

“GUOOOH!” Plexus GROANS, CLUTCHING HIS DICK, and KENJIRO LANDS ON TOP OF HIS COCK and BEGINS CHARGING FORWARD. “I’LL KILL YOU, YA FUCKIN’ BASTARD!”

WOOOSH! SWOOOSH! Unbelievable STRONG BLOWS RAIN DOWN on KENJIRO BUT HE DODGES EVERY SINGLE ONE, the GUSTS OF WIND they PRODUCE nearly KNOCKING the FANS out of their SEATS.

J.R.: H-HE MIGHT BE DOING IT! KENJIRO MIGHT BE MAKING A COMEBACK!

“FUUUCK YOUUUU!” PLEXUS SCREAMS AS HE INTERLOCKS HIS FINGERS. IN DESPERATION, HE SWINGS HIS ARMS DOWN ON TOP OF KENJIRO’S HEAD FOR A BONESHATTERING AXE HANDLE!

BUT IT MISSES AND PLEXUS SPIKES HIS FUCKING DICK INTO THE MAT.

“GAAAH … GAAAH …” PLEXUS SAYS, HIS EYES ROLLED IN THE BACK OF HIS HEAD AS FOAM GUSHES OUT OF HIS MOUTH.

“This is it, Plexus,” Kenjiro mutters, shadows over his eyes as HE PULLS HIS FIST DOWN TO HIS SIDE.

J.R.: HE’S GOING FOR IT! THE FEELING OVER!

UNABLE TO MOVE as HIS DICK is STUCK IN THE GROUND, Plexus has to WATCH AS DUST SWIRLS AROUND KENJIRO’S FEET. With the MAT TWISTING under KENJIRO, HE LEAPS UPWARDS, AIMING HIS FIST TOWARDS PLEXUS’ SKULL.

“F-FUCK THIS! DON’T YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!” PLEXUS SAYS, THROWING HIS BODY TO THE LEFT. KENJIRO’S FIST ONLY DRIVES ITSELF INTO PLEXUS’ LEFT PECTORAL.

J.R.: HE MISSED IT!

W.W.: THERE IS A GOD! AND HIS NAME IS LUNAR PLEXUS!

“THIS ISN’T OVER …” KENJIRO MUTTERS, PULLING BACK HIS OTHER HAND. GATHERING UP HIS POWER, HE HURLS A SECOND FEELING OVER!

J.R.: TWO FEELING OVERS! I CAN’T BELIEVE IT!

BOOOOOM! ONCE AGAIN, KENJIRO’S HAND DIGS INTO PLEXUS’ TORSO.

W.W.: ANOTHER MISS! YES!

J.R.: WAIT A MINUTE, THESE AREN’T MISSES, WARRIOR.

Kenjiro yanks his RIGHT FIST out of Plexus’ LEFT PEC and CHARGES IT UP AGAIN. BOOOOM! ANOTHER FEELING OVER. And then KENJIRO DOES IT WITH HIS LEFT FIST! BOOOOM! Kenjiro REPEATS IT UNTIL HE’S DRIVEN EIGHT HOLES INTO LUNAR PLEXUS’ TORSO.

“G-GUH … GUOOOH … GAH …” PLEXUS SAYS, BLOODY FOAM CASCADING DOWN HIS CHIN.

Kenjiro KICKS OFF PLEXUS’ CHEST and HITS THE GROUND. His arms SLUMP DOWN at his SIDES, blood POURING from his FISTS.

“Heh heh, now your gimmick makes more sense,” Kenjiro says, POINTING a FINGER at the NUMEROUS CRATERS ON LUNAR’S IVORY SKIN. And with THAT, THE VACUUMS TUCKED AWAY IN THOSE INDENTATIONS ACTIVATE, TEARING INTO TORSO. BLOOD HITS THE VACUUMS AND EXPLODES, SHOWERING THE RING IN LUNAR PLEXUS’ LIFE JUICE!

“GAAAAH!” PLEXUS UTTERS AS HE SAILS BACKWARDS. WITH A MIGHTY CRASH, PLEXUS HITS THE MAT AND KENJIRO LEAPS ON TOP OF HIM FOR THE PIN.

OOOOOOOONE!

J.R.: HE DID IT! KENJIRO HAS DONE IT!

W.W.: NO NO NO NO!

TWOOOOOOOO!

W.W.: THIS IS FUCKING GAY.



THREEEEEEEEE! KENJIRO WINS!

J.R.:That’s it! Kenjiro is facing off with Axelrod Waylyn in the next round!
Spamdini
Joined: 22 Jan 2007
Posts: 1322
(Sun Jun 10, 2007 9:38 pm)
Reply

Post     Re: FTUW's MURDERGEDDON RESSURRECTION

Lightning: Our second-to-last first round match is about to begin! First, hailing from Branson, Nouveau-Richonia, weighing in at 95 pounds, Detective Jake Callaghan!

Warrior: God, I thought this was the place where epitomes of manliness and rugged might flexed and destroyed each other in the ring. But two new wrestlers that weigh 95 pounds apiece? What the hell is wrong with von Toity?

JR: I hear you had a run-in with Jake Callaghan recently, Warrior.

Warrior: Well, yeah. I guess he’s an ok dude. But I still think he’s gonna die hard.

Lightning: And his opponent, weighing in at 385 pounds, from Missoula, MT, Corporal Body!

The gigantic, but blind, Body is led to the ring by a small Asian boy who is subsequently Ham Fisted to death by Body. The diminutive dog detective is barely up to his foe’s chest, but stands resolved regardless. The bell rings and Body takes a swipe at his opponent. The martial arts kick misses by a mile as Det. Callaghan leaps out of the way and begins running circles around his blind opponent. Poised behind Body, Callaghan leaps forth with a flying paw chop! However, he is intercepted by a deadly kung-fu punch by Body! Callaghan skids along the mat and kips to his feet.

Det. Callaghan: So ever though you’re blind, you’re still able to anticipate my attacks.

Body: I see with my mind’s eye!

Det. Callaghan: I don’t believe that. If you really have a mind’s eye, WHAT COLOR IS MY FUR?

Body: U..uh...brown?

Det. Callaghan: Are you sure?

Body: Y…yes.

Det. Callaghan: WRONG! IT’S MORE OF A CHUSTNUT!

Body: …

Det. Callaghan: …

JR: …

Warrior: …

Det. Callaghan: Um, I guess that’s kind of a brown. (I need a better attack).

Corporal Body leaps into the air, performing several somersaults and comes crashing down with a body splash. However, Callaghan merely smiles and ducks down.

CRACK!

Corporal Body smashes face first into the turnbuckle! His nose falls off from the impact as he stumbles around the ring.

Det. Callaghan: Mind’s eye, my furry tail! I’m guessing that you have supe rhearing or something gay like that. Otherwise, YOU WOULD HAVE SEEN THAT TURNBUCKLE!

Body: !!!

Corporal Body is against the ropes now, clutching his noseless face. The mental attack against him dealt 678 HP in damage.

Det. Callaghan: By the way, if you were so good at killing Vietnamese, why are you only a corporal?

Body: Be…because I didn’t want to leave the field of battle. My lust for destruction is why I was abandoned in the Vietnam jungles.

Det. Callaghan: Oh? I did a little research on you before this match you know. I seem to recall the name General Hector Body.

Body: URK!

Det. Callaghan: That’s your old man’s name, right? Apparently you only got your rank of corporal because daddy was ashamed of PRIVATE BODY BEING STUCK AT THE SAME RANK FOR 3 YEARS!

Body: So…so what? I’ll kill you like so many gooks!

Det. Callaghan: I also dug out the records about your court martial. In 1972, you were found giving candy to northern Vietnamese children and giving big hugs to Viet Cong prisoners. You also had a Buddha statue in your tent and 100 volumes of Japanese manga.

Body: I…It’s…

Det. Callaghan: It seems as if you weren’t tried for killing Vietnamese citizens. You were tried because you WOULDN’T KILL ANY VIETNAMESE! That’s why you spent so much time learning martial arts! YOU’RE IN LOVE WITH EVERYTHING ASIAN!

Corporal Body sweats profusely. His mind flashes with images of him eating sushi, posing by the Great Wall of China, playing a lute while traveling down a stream with ten Vietnamese dudes, watching Gundam over and over. It’s too much for him to bear!

Body: GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

And with that, Corporal Body tears his own eardrums out!

Body: Now your words won’t hurt me!

Only silence.

Body: Wait, where are you?

Body can’t tell where his opponent is anymore. Or where he himself is! Without sight or hearing he stumbles aimlessly as he tries feeling around. As he wanders towards the ring ropes, Callaghan gently puts his legs out and trips Corporal Body so he falls outside of the ring and falls onto the announcers’ table, spilling Warrior’s water all over his skin-tight suit.

Warrior: YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE FAGGOT!

He gorilla presses Body through the ceiling and out of the arena. The ref counts Corporal Body out and announces Jake Callaghan as the winner.
Ryoko's Biatch
Joined: 04 Jan 2007
Posts: 9255
(Sun Jun 10, 2007 9:39 pm)
Reply

Post     Re: FTUW's MURDERGEDDON RESSURRECTION

J.R.: Well, these are two fighters who need no introduction.

WW: Well, then, let's get on with it.

J.R.: Uh, well, Warrior, let's just introduce them anyway.

WW: Listen, Jim, I'm tired of these empty expressions that people are always using. Let me give an example.

J.R.: I'm not sure if I want to hear this, but go ahead.

WW: Okay, I didn't need your damn permission, but I'm going to tell these people the God's honest truth. Expressions. There are expressions for all kinds of things, some of them are accurate and useful, such as, "Warrior is a mountain of man." That's a good one. But there are others like "homosexual" that only mask the insidious nature of the thing they describe. "Homosexuals" are, let's be frank, sick deviants who have no place in God's America. We need to call them what they are: FUCKING FAGGOT QUEERS.

J.R.: Whoa, Warrior, it's time for the action.

Ren Alexander ducks under a wild punch by the Black Judge and then puts the Judge into an arm lock. The Black Judge responds by punching Ren in the gut so hard that he vomits all over the place and then passes out. Black Judge wraps his arms around his waist and slams him into the mat with a bridging german suplex. The referee counts the pin. 1, 2, 3.

WW: FUCK YEAH!

J.R.: Quite the display for the Black Judge, but we must remember that this is the man who went blow for blow with Caligula Lightning.

WW: Fuck that, he totally murdered that queer!

J.R.: That is one way to put it, Warrior.
Vinny
[00:10] How can you get an erect dick into your own ass?
Joined: 16 Jan 2007
Posts: 5181
(Tue Jun 12, 2007 2:51 pm)
Reply

Post     Re: FTUW's MURDERGEDDON RESSURRECTION

J.R.: FOLKS, we’ve just entered the SECOND ROUND of the Murdergeddon Resurrection Championship Tournament. The man to make it to the end will be crowned the FTUW Champion, the first in 3 years!

W.W.: That’s right, Jim, and the next match is sure to be a GREAT ONE. You wanna know why, JIM. DO YA?

J.R.: It’s because Thrak’s in it, right?

W.W.: Well, YEAH, but it’s because THRAK’S going SHATTER the ILLUSIONIST’S OCULAR CAVITIES with his PREHISTORIC PRICK.

J.R.: As fearsome as Thrak can be, you have to admit that the Illusionist’s chances are pretty good! He did win Elegy of Extinction, after all!

W.W.: Nope.

J.R.: He won the very first PPV and-

W.W.: No.

J.R.: HE DROPPED THE MOON ON LUNAR PLEXUS.

W.W.: WRONG. THAT’S ALL STUPID. THRAK HAS A BOOMERANG MADE OUT OF BONE. FUCK ILLUSIONIST.

J.R.: Well, the tragic spectacle known as Reginald Lightning has been lowered into the ring … but wait, something is coming with him. Another object is being lowered and it’s covered in a tarp! I wonder what it could be!

Lightning: As ordered by Baron Hoity von Toity, COMMISSIONER of the FTUW, there will be a SPECIAL STIPULATION in every match.

J.R.: SPECIAL STIPULATION in every match?

W.W.: Yes, Jim. He just said that. Try to keep up.

Lightning: And the stipulations for the second round will be DECIDED by the WHEEL OF FATALITY.

With a flourish, the tarp is removed revealing a NEON WHEEL covered in SPIKES and FIRE and razors and it shoots gasoline and blood for some reason and it’s scary. The important thing is there’s a BUNCH OF CATEGORIES on the WHEEL OF FATALITY of various VIOLENT STIPULATIONS.

J.R.: Wow, the Wheel of Fatality!

Two German strong men grab the wheels and GIVE IT A WHIRL, but the fucking thing is so heavy that it actually rips their arms off. The wheel, now drenched in blood, SLOWS TO A STOP and the ARROW SELECTS the STIPULATION.

Lightning: And for the next match it will be … uh … a SINGLES MATCH.

J.R.: UNBELIEVABLE. That tiny, half-inch sliver on the WHEEL OF FATALITY that read “SINGLES MATCH”, right beside “NAPALM SPEWING RINGPOSTS MATCH” and “SHARK-FILLED AUDIENCE MATCH.” Damn, the luck!

W.W.: WAIT, A REGULAR SINGLES MATCH? We just watched a BUNCH OF THOSE!

As a storm of BROKEN LIQUOR BOTTLES and PITCHFORKS begin FLYING INTO THE RING towards REGINALD LIGHTNING.

Lightning: UH, ERR, CHAINSAW ROPES! The next match will have CHAINSAW ROPES!

J.R.: CHAINSAW ROPES, this is gonna be one helluva slobberknocker!

Lightning: The following match is set for ONE FALL. Coming to the RING FIRST, HAILING FROM THE LAND BEFORE TIME and WEIGHING IN AT 27.8 STONES … THRAAAAAAAK!!

“Cave Fuck” by Viscerape blares from the sound system and THRAK BURSTS OUT ONTO THE STAGE in a RIC-FLAIR ESQUE COAT with DINOSAUR SKULLS HANGING FROM IT. While OOKING his way to the ring, HE SLAPS HANDS with the INSANELY PUMPED OUT CROWD. Some fans ask him to sign their rocks and he obliges digging his fingers into the stone.

J.R.: It seems Thrak is certainly taking to his popularity!

W.W.: THRAK’S MY BOY, JIM. A REAL MAN’S MAN. Me and him go out picking up chicks sometimes. I’M HIS WING MAN.

J.R.: Is that so?

W.W.: He’s an upstanding guy. I’d gladly take a gross fatty for that guy.

Tossing away his coat, THRAK HOPS onto the RING APRON and begins SMACKING his CAVE DONG and slaps it against the ropes. With a BEASTIAL HOWL, he flips into the ring.

Lightning: And his OPPONENT … HAILING FROM ATLANTIC CITY, NEW JERSEY and WEIGHING in at 201 POUNDS … THE ILLUUUUUSIONIST!!

POOOOOOOF! The ILLUSIONIST suddenly APPEARS in the MIDDLE OF THE RING in a PURPLE FLOURISH OF SMOKE AND GLITTER! The Illusionist takes a BOW as DOVES carry MULTI-COLORED STREAMERS through the air. THRAK is in the CORNER SHRIEKING WILDLY, scared by the SUDDEN FLASH OF LIGHT and LOUD SOUND.

J.R.: And what an entrance!

“Thank you, ladies and gentleman! Be sure to pick up a DVD of my latest show in Donk Fuck and AIYEEEEEEE!!” ILLUSIONIST SCREAMS AS THRAK BARRELS INTO HIM, WILDLY POUNDING THE ILLUSIONIST’S CHESTS WITH HIS FISTS.

J.R.: WHAT THE HELL?! THRAK IS ON THE ATTACK ALREADY!

W.W.: Thrak goes into a murderous rage if he’s startled ever-so-slightly, Jim!

J.R.: OH. Well, I guess that’s fine since he seems to be doing a pretty good job of knockin’ the piss out of the Illusionist!

GLOVED HANDS DIG into the CANVAS as THRAK beats his CHEST and SLAMS the ILLUSIONIST repeatedly into the mat. SUDDENLY, RAZOR-SHARP BLADES burst out of the RING ROPES. SLOWLY, they begin rotating around the ring, moving from RING POST TO RING POST building up SPEED>

J.R.: Ah, the chainsaw ropes have started up! The match has officially begun!

“EYAAAAGH!” the ILLUSIONIST shouts, gripping onto the DILETTANTE’S FUCKING SKULL DESPERATELY. “WHAT DO I DO?”

Fight back you moron! the SKULL commands him.

Heeding his advice, the ILLUSIONIST flicks his WRIST and a DOVE CARRYING A SILVER DAGGER in its MOUTH begins FLUTTERING TOWARDS THRAK. The BLADE JAMS into THRAK’S NECK but Thrak doesn’t so much as flinch as he CHOMPS into the bird and nonchalantly GRINDS IT BONES between his JAWS.

W.W.: The Illusionist’s powers are gay.

While doing SPIDER-MAN-ESQUE WRIST FLICKS, BIRDS with RANDOM ARMANENTS ranging from MACES to NUNCHUCKS are SHOT out of the ILLUSIONIST’S WRISTS while THRAK PROCEEDS FORWARD, PAC-MANNING THE SHIT OUT OF THEM. With Illusionist out of poultry, he SCOOTS back into the CORNER as the CAVE MAN LUMBERS OVER HIM. Grabbing Illusionist by the neck, THRAK bends over and SPITS BIRD GUTS INTO HIS FACE while the ILLUSIONIST SQUEALS.

W.W.: Hahaha, YES. I taught Thrak how to thoroughly humiliate your opponents, you know.

“G-G-GROSSSS!” the ILLUSIONIST whines as ye YANKS his TOP HAT down over his HEAD. But the TOP HAT KEEPS GOING until it COVERS HIS ENTIRE BODY. The ILLUSIONIST has vanished into his hat!

J.R.: Impressive!

Thrak, slightly confused, cautiously picks up the ILLUSIONIST’S HAT. He looks it over, rubbing the SMOOTH TEXTURE with his THUMBS while scratching his matted hair. As HE PEERS into the HOLE, he sees nothing. He sees nothing until a FUCKING LEATHER SHOE DRIVES INTO HIS FACE.

“AWOOO!” THRAK WHINES, DROPPING the HAT. In anger, THRAK RUNS OVER AND STOMPS THE SHIT OUT OF THE HAT. Once it’s flash as a PANCAKE, he picks it back up and EXAMINES IT. THE TOP HAT POPS BACK INTO ITS ORIGINAL FORM AND SMACKS THRAK IN THE FACE!

J.R.: Somehow this fight has devolved into slapstick!

SUDDENLY, THRAK HAS AN EPIPHANY ON THE LEVEL OF DISCOVERING FIRE. SQUATTING OVER THE HAT, HE DROP A GIANT SHIT INTO THE HOLE. With a POOF, THE ILLUSIONIST APPEARS ACROSS THE RING with a DINO DUMP sizzling on his HEAD. Unenthused, he grabs a bottle of SELTZER (clowns and Illusionists share equipment), sprays it off, and wipes his head clean with numerous multi-colored handkerchiefs.

W.W.: Haha, the Illusionist got shit on his head.

A FLOURISH OF PLAYING CARDS FLY OUT OF THE ILLUSIONIST’S COAT, RAINING DOWN ON THRAK. Bringing up his BONERANG, the RAZOR-SHARP CARDS BOUNCE OF HARMLESSLY. Thrak HURLS THE BONERRANG and ILLUSIONIST EFFORTLESSLY BOUNDS OVER IT, which is fairly uncharacteristic.

More cards! More cards! the Dilettante SCREAMS in the Illusionist’s head.

“I can’t SHUFFLE FAST ENOUGH!” the ILLUSIONIST shouts as the BONERANG CUTS THROUGH THE AUDIENCE, EXPLODING FACES as it BEGINS TURNING. Thrak still approaching, the ILLUSION THROWS his 52 CARDS, LITTERING THRAK’S BODY. With blood streaking down his skin, THRAK SHRUGS IT OFF and CONTINUES marching forward as the Illusionist pointlessly shuffles another deck.

“GRK!” THE ILLUSIONIST CHOKES, DROPPING HIS CARDS ON THE FLOOR AS THE THRAK WRAPS HIS FINGERS AROUND ILLUSIONIST’S PENCIL-THIN NECK. AT THIS TIME, THE WILDLY OUT-OF-CONTROL BONERANG IS DRENCHED IN BLOOD AND HEADED BACK TOWARDS THE RING. CUTTING THROUGH THE ROPES, IT SLAMS INTO THE ILLUSIONIST’S BACK AND DISEMBOWELS HIM!

J.R.: BAH GAWD! HE’S BEEN CUT IN HAAALF!

AS BLOOD SPRAYS OUT OF THE ILLUSIONIST’S OCULAR CAVITIES, THE BONERANG CONTINUES AND DRIVES INTO THRAK’S GUT. SPITTING UP BLOOD, HE IS CARRIED ACROSS THE RING AND IS SLAMMED INTO A NEARBY RING POST.

Hazily, THRAK looks up to see NUMEROUS RABBITS OVER THE CORPSE OF THE ILLUSIONIST. CAREFULLY, THEY DRAG HIS SHREDDED INTESTINES AND SLOWLY BEGIN RE-ATTACHING THEM WITH A SOLDERING IRON.

“HUUAAAH!” the ILLUSIONIST sucks in a DEEP BREATH as he is SEWN back together by his RABBIT SURGICAL TEAM. “Thank you, friends,” the Illusionist utters, petting them on the head.

SUDDENLY, THRAK PULLS HIMSELF FROM the CORNER and REACHES DEEP INTO HIS LOIN CLOTH. He brandishes a PALM FULL of SMALL, GREEN SPROUT-LIKE OBJECTS. Tossing them onto the MAT, they SUDDENLY BURST OPEN and WILD VINES begin LASHING THE AIR.

J.R.: What the hell is that?

W.W.: It’s obviously some sort of PREHISTORIC CARNIVOROUS VEGETATION, JIM.

THE VINES WRAP THEMSELVES AROUND THE RABBITS, RIPPING THEM APART and DRINKING THE BLOOD THROUGH THEIR TENDRILS. Frightened, the ILLUSIONIST begins BACKING UP before the VINES SNATCH HIS LEGS. Then his ARMS, TORSO, and NECK ARE ENTANGLED. He’s firmly held in place!

THRAK TUCKS HIMSELF INTO A BALL and BEGINS SPINNING IN PLACE ON THE GROUND, BUILDING UP POWER.

J.R.: THE ROLLING STONE! HE’S GOING FOR IT!

“OH JEEZ, WHAT DO I DO NOW?” the ILLUSIONIST says, STRUGGLING to set himself free.

Don’t worry about it, you’re immortal, remember? the DILETTANTE’S SKULL speaks into his BRAIN.

“No I’m not! I’m j-just extremely lucky!”

Really? Hm.

“This is going to break my bones!” the ILLUSIONIST says, a LITTLE BIT of PEE TRICKLING down his LEG. “I NEED MY BONES!”

FWOOOOM! THE THRAK FIRES FORWARD AND BEGINS SPINNING TOWARDS THE ILLUSIONIST LIKE A GODDAMNED CANNONBALL!

W.W.: THIS IS IT! THE ILLUSIONIST IS GOING TO FINALLY DIE! I GOT 1000 BUCKS RIDING ON THIS SHIT.

“BONES … THAT’S IT …” THE ILLUSIONIST MUTTERS.

BOOOOOOING! THE ILLUSIONIST’S BODY STRETCHES TO IMPOSSIBLE PROPORTIONS AS THRAK SLAMS INTO HIM.

W.W.: WHAT THE FLAMING FUCK?!

THE ILLUSIONIST HAS TURNED TO RUBBER! THRAK IS REBOUNDED BACKWARDS AND SLAMS INTO FUCKING CHAINSAW ROPES!!

W.W.: HOLY SHIT, I TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT THOSE!

“GRRRRK!” THRAK SCREAMS, HIS BACK SPRAYING BLOOD EVERYWHERE AS THE CHAINSAW ROPES DIG INTO HIS FLESH. SPARKS SHOOT OFF HIS BACK AS THE ROPES RIP INTO HIM BECAUSE OF THE HEAVY CALLOUSES ON HIS MASSIVE BACK.

SNAP! THE CHAINSAW ROPES BREAK AND CAVEMAN CRASHES INTO THE AUDIENCE, THOROUGHLY CRUSHING FANS’ BODIES.

A BUNCH OF CHAINSAW BLADES BREAK FREE FROM THE ROPES and FLY AT THE ILLUSIONIST but only STRIKE THE VINES BINDING HIM. THEY BREAK and the ILLUSIONIST FALLS onto the MAT into a BIG LUMP. Slowly but surely, his BONES RE-APPEAR into his BODY and he slowly regains shape.

“Hahaha …” the Illusionist laughs to himself, looking at his hand. “I’m starting to get a grasp on things, I think.”

That’s it, Vic. Take HOLD of that INNER POWER, the Dilettante’s Fucking Skull tells him.

“Yes … I think I can feel it …” the ILLUSIONIST mutters.

YES, VIC. ACCEPT THE POWER INTO YOUR HEART.

A dizzied Thrak pulls himself off the pile of bodies he crashed into and looks towards the RING. He looks down at the pool of blood composed of his own and the all the people he fell on. REACHING INTO HIS UTILITY BELT, he pulls out a bunch of leafs with MEDICINAL SHIT smeared on them and BEGINS SLAPPING THEM ON HIS BACK. Thrak screams in PAIN as SMOKE RISES OFF HIS WOUNDS.

“IT’S COMING …” VIC SAYS, HIS BODY TREMBLING. THRAK LUMBERS TOWARDS THE RING, HIS ARM REACHING FOR A BEE GRENADE.

BECOME A SUPER SAIYAN!

SUDDENLY, OUT OF NOWHERE A BUNCH OF MOTHERFUCKING ANTHROPOMORPHIC RAPTORS ON SNOWBOARDS WITH ROCKETS ON THE BACK BURST OUT OF THE ENTRANCE WAY, FIRING GODDAMNED LASERS EVERYWHERE.

“THRAAAAK … GIVE USSSS THE TIME LOOOG!!” THEY SCREAM, BLASTING RANDOM HUMANS WITH DEATH RAYS.

J.R.: BAH GAWD! LEAPIN’ LIZARDS!

W.W.: THIS IS FUCKING AWESOME.

Thrak SPINS AROUND and TOSSES THE BEE GRENADE into A RAPTOR’S FACE. AS HE SCREAMS as the HORNETS FLY INTO HIS EYES, HE CRASHES HIS BOARD into the AUDIENCE and EXPLODES VIOLENTLY.

A LASER BLAST SLAMS INTO THRAK’S SHOULDER, BURNING HIS FLESH BADLY. He ROLLS TO THE SIDE and TWO RAPTORS HOLDING A SINGLE CHAIN between him FLY BY and CLOTHESLINE THRAK IN THE THROAT.

“GEH HEH HEH, WE GOT THE HUMAN!” ONE OF THE RAPTORS CACKLE. THRAK IS CARRIED HIGH INTO THE AIR as the ILLUSIONIST drops to his knees, exhausted.

T-This was it? INCREDIBLE! the Dilettante’s Fucking Skull says.

“No … I didn’t do this … I just had indigestion,” the ILLUSIONIST pounds on his chest lightly as the DILETTANTE’S FUCKING SKULL FACE VAULTS COMICALLY somehow.

In front of the ILLUSIONIST appears a RAPTOR with a CHAINSAW wearing SUNGLASSES and a TOOTHPICK hanging out of his MOUTH. THE ILLUSIONIST quivers in FRIGHT as he STEPS FORWARD.

While BEING DRAGGED by HIS NECK HIGH ABOVE THE ARENA, HE REACHES UP AND GRABS A SECTION OF THE LIGHTING RIG. STILL HOLDING ONTO THE CHAIN, HIS ARMS BEGIN TO TEAR as the TWO RAPTORS are TURNED INWARDS with the CHAIN GOING TAUT. Basically, that MEANS they fucking FLY INTO EACH OTHER and SCREAM as their DINO HEADS CRUNCH INTO OTHER and SPRAY THEIR TINY BRAINS into the AIR before BEING BAKED by the EXPLOSIONS of their ROCKETBOARDS.

W.W.: YES!

“S-S-Stay back,” the ILLUSIONIST says to the RAPTOR wielding the CHAINSAW. “I’ve g-g-got THIS!” The ILLUSIONIST whips out a SINGLE FLOWER, which wilts immediately.

W.W.: The Illusionist is a faggot.

AS THE RAPTOR IS ABOUT TO SLAM THE CHAINSAW ONTO THE ILLUSIONIST’S FACE, THRAK DESCENDS FROM THE SKY AND FUCKING STOMPS THE RAPTOR INTO OBLIVION. GUTS SPRAY EVERYWHERE as THRAK STOMPS the RAPTOR’S SKULL with his FOOT.

“OOK!” THRAK SHOUTS IN HIS FACE.

”WAIT, WHAT?!” the ILLUSIONIST shouts in TERROR.

”OOOOOOK!” THRAK REPEATS. The ILLUSIONIST, stunned, begins COWERING AWAY. THRAK FACE SLAMS HIM STRAIGHT INTO THE MAT and PUNCHES the RAPTOR SNEAKING UP BEHIND the ILLUSIONIST wielding a giant POWER DRILL. The RAPTOR falls and the DRILL slams under his JAW, BORES THROUGH HIS HEAD, and BURSTS OUT OF THE TOP OF HIS SKULL with the RAPTOR’S BRAIN ATTACHED. THE RAPTOR’S BRAIN SPINS WILDLY ATTACHED TO THE DRILL TIP.

W.W.: That was badass.

The Illusionist looks up at Thrak, the stoic caveman, in disbelief.

“Y-You saved my life …” the Illusionist mutters right before THRAK SHOVES HIS FINGERS UP HIS NOSE. YANKING HIM VIOLENTLY FROM THE MAT, THRAK HURLS THE ILLUSIONIST INTO THE AIR. With all the POWER IN HIS CAVE LEGS, he LEAPS STRAIGHT UP AND SLAMS HIS BEEFY HAND AROUND THE ILLUSIONIST’S FACE..

J.R.: WAIT A DAMN MINUTE … THIS IS!

W.W.: BLAAAAAST FROM THE PAAAAAAST!!

THRAK DRIVES THE FUCKING ILLUSIONIST HEAD FIRST INTO THE FUCKING MAT, NEARLY BURYING HIM!

J.R.: HE HIT IT!

THRAK COVERS HIM!

OOOOOOOOOOONE!




TWOOOOOOOOOOO!




THREEEEEEEEEEEEE! THRAK WINS! THRAK WINS!

J.R.: THRAK DID IT! HE’S GOING ONTO THE THIRD ROUND!

W.W.: HAHAHA, FUCK YES!

The THRAK STANDS UP TRIUMPHANTLY as the REFEREE RAISES HIS FIST INTO THE AIR. In celebration, Thrak reaches up with hand RIPS HIS OWN FACE OFF!

W.W.: WHAT SHIT CUNT?!

IT WAS A MASK! A THRAK MASK! THE ILLUSIONIST IS THE ONE STANDING THERE!

J.R.: UNBELIEVEABLE!

W.W.: NO NO NO NO NO.

The ILLUSIONIST REACHES DOWN and RIPS the ILLUSIONIST’S FACE OFF, REVEALING THRAK. IT WAS THE OLD SWITCHEROO!

J.R.: A TRICK! IT WAS A DAMN TRICK! THE ILLUSIONIST WINS!

W.W.: GJSDHGSLKD”GHS”HGLKDGBG”Nnaibsf’
Spamdini
Joined: 22 Jan 2007
Posts: 1322
(Wed Jun 13, 2007 3:12 pm)
Reply

Post     Re: FTUW's MURDERGEDDON RESSURRECTION

JR: The Wheel of Fatality failed us last time, but let’s see what it will bring us for our second match of the quarterfinals, the duel between Gigi and Super Agent Harry Underwood. Some initial comments, Warrior?

Warrior: Unless it’s a “bleeding out of your cunt” match, I think Harry’s got this one in the bag. Granted, I’d bang Gigi pretty hard and she can use a chair better than that CHEATING FUCK HULK HOGAN, but Harry Underwood is part of a new class of FTUW superstars who are manly epitomes of ruggedness who aren’t glam fags or limp-wristed chinks. If there were justice in the world, the last match of the night would be Underwood, Thrak and Lunar Plexus fighting each other in a ring composed entirely of BLOOD! With the latter two already having been eliminated by SLANT AND A CHEAT, all we have left to believe in is Harry Underwood. He’ll win the FTUW title tonight, you can bet on that!

A ten-foot tall goon with a lobotomy scar on his forehead grabs the Wheel of Fatality and spins it so hard that the arrow breaks off. Not wanting to disappoint King von Toity, the giant grabs a soldier and grinds him against the spinning wheel. By the time the wheel stops, his upper body has been reduced to just the vertebrae, which points to the match type.

R. Lightning: This match will be…A BAZOOKA RING POST MATCH! Each of the four ring posts will be replaced with gigantic rocket launchers! Both fighters are free to rip out the posts and use them as weapons against their opponents!

Three fans, realizing that they will likely be collateral damage in such a match, flee for the exits. However, the rest of the crowd lynches them for not being true FTUW fans and use their skin to create fan signs with the words “GO GIGI” and “KILL ‘EM ALL, HARRY” written in blood and feces.

R. Lightning: On her way to the ring, from George, Washington, weighing in at the same weight as Chun-Li, Gigiiiiiiiiiiiiii!

Three zombies wearing sunglasses and dressed in 50’s greaser outfits for some reason carry her to the ring.

R. Lightning: And her opponent, from…

Harry Underwood suddenly uppercuts through the floor of the arena and lands in the ring! His body has fresh wounds that he clearly did not receive from fighting Fala Baba.

JR: Bah gawd! What kind of training has Harry Underwood been up to?

Warrior: He must be trying to obtain some sort of higher state of FIGHTOSITY! Could it be the SCREAM OF THE JACKEL or the FIST OF THE DRAGON’S HEART?!

The bell rings and the match is under way. Immediately, Harry heads for a ring post and using his immense strength begins to uproot it. Gigi counters by reaching into the long trenchcoat she wore to the ring and taking 100 small folding chairs. Using the ancient art of Chairgami, she folds them up into cranes and sends them flying towards Agent Underwood. Two metal beaks penetrate Underwood’s bicep before he notices the wave of deadly chair birds heading towards him! He stops pulling on the post and begins swatting the cranes out of the air, but there are far too many and he is overwhelmed!

Not one to let arrogance get the best of her, Gigi creates a chain from a hundred more tiny chairs and uses it to tie up Underwood, who has been pierced by dozens of cranes. He bounces of the ropes and comes down on her opponent with a level 1 chairshot!

Warrior: GOD, WHAT IS THIS? THE SHIT ALL OVER THE RUGGED MANLY MEN SHOW?! THE APOCALYPSE KILLED ALL THE REAL WARRIORS!

But Harry just smiles. He changes into bear form and is able to shatter the chain and send all the cranes flying out of his body by just flexing his muscles! Gigi attempts another chairshot, but a massive swipe by Underwood obliterates the chair and send poor goth flying. Underwood easily yanks out one of the bazooka posts, points it straight at Gigi, and fires. Split-second instincts allow her to react in time and redirect the rocket with a chairshot. It flies into the crowd and destroys a group of fans, all eager to the one who takes the rocket head-on.

Gigi, needing some way to harm Bear-Underwood, tries to pull out a ring post bazooka. However, it proves too heavy for her and she is unable to get it to budge. Harry is already heading for the second post and is ready to use it.

JR: Gigi has about as much chance as a polecat in JR’s barbeque sauce patch!

But Gigi is the type of modern woman who won’t give in! Much like her former lover did, she forms a pair of robotic arms composed of chairs and uses them to pull out a post! Both Underwood and Gigi have a bazooka and fir them at each other simultaneously! The rockets collide in mid-air and there’s an epic explosion that destroys much of the ring!

Before the dust clears, all eyes look up in the air where Gigi is flying on a chair hang glider. She circles around looking to see if Underwood survived the explosion. No, she knows he survived. But where will he come from?

FOUR SIX-INCH CLAWS PIERCE GIGI’S HEART! She coughs up blood and slowly turns around to see Harry Underwood’s face smiling from the top of the hang glider.

BUT THEN HER BODY EXPLODES INTO A GROUP OF CHAIRS!

Underwood: Chair clone?!

Gigi: Got you!

Gigi is the one who is actually behind Underwood and comes down with her giant robot chair arm and punches right through Underwood, creating a 3 foot hole in his torso!

BUT THEN UNDERWOOD EXPLODES INTO A POOF OF SMOKE!

Gigi: Bear clone jutsu!

It’s Underwood on top again! He rips off Gigi’s head, but that’ just a chair clone too! Gigi takes a razor sharp chair and slices Underwood in half and his bear jutsu clone disappears into the air! Gigi and Underwood charge at each other and uppercut one another’s heads off! All that remains is a cloud of smoke and a chair!

JR: This is some high-level fighting going on here! Where are the real ones?!

Twelve Gigi clones stand in the ring poised to fight! Suddenly, a bear paw comes out of the shadow and segments one clone into twelve pieces! The real Underwood grins as the chair clones try in vain to inflict damage with their petty attacks!

Underwood: WEAK!

Using a massive BEARHUG, he breaks all the remaining chairs into twisted shrapnel! The real Gigi is still nowhere to be seen.

POW! The remaining bazooka goes off on its own and Gigi is the one riding it! Underwood turns around and grabs the rocket between his paws before it can blow him to smithereens, but Gigi dropkicks a chair into his throat and his temporary inability to breathe causes him to lose his grip! Another epic explosion rocks the ring and Gigi is flung backwards, sliding across what’s left of the mat. Her clothes are mostly torn off, barely covering her tits and crotch. Everyone in the crowd, male or female, begin to masturbate furiously.

JR: BAH GAWD UNDERWOOD COULDN’T HAVE SURVIVED THAT!!

But that’s not true JR! The smoke clears and although he’s lost most of his fur, Underwood is still alive with eyes filled with rage!

Gigi: N…no way!

Underwood jumps out of the ring and mauls two ring attendants before they can install new bazooka posts! He picks two of them up and fires them right at Gigi!

Underwood: BEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!

Twin rockets fly towards a wounded and panicked Gigi as she tries to cover up. In desperation, she takes out her entire supply of chairs and forms a thick layer of armor around her body.

Gigi: CHAIRAPACE!

Gigi extends her arms outwards and the rockets explode against her!

JR: IS GIGI DEAD NOW?!

Warrior: What a waste. I kinda wanted to rape her piercing holes.

When the smoke clears, Gigi’s armor has been mostly torn off, but she is unharmed! Underwood, on the other hand, is gone!

Gigi: !!!

Flying through the air, Harry is screaming as he foams at the mouth and crashes down on Gigi!

Warrior: A WARRIOR SPLASH! YES FUCK YES! HARRY IS SO GREAT!

Harry sits up and looks down at the badly hurt Gigi. Her arm is broken and several ribs are cracked, but she survived over two tons of bear coming down on her by creating a last second chair shield. With her chair supply depleted, she no longer has a defense against Agent Underwood’s attacks. He lifts a deadly claw in the air as he prepares to bring it down upon her.

Underwood: No, that’s not how I do things.

He turns back into human form and pins Gigi.

ONE…

TWO…

THREE!!

Super Agent Harry Underwood wins! He goes on to face The Illusionist in the semi-finals!
Vinny
[00:10] How can you get an erect dick into your own ass?
Joined: 16 Jan 2007
Posts: 5181
(Sat Jun 16, 2007 1:49 pm)
Reply

Post     Re: FTUW's MURDERGEDDON RESSURRECTION

J.R.: And wow, what a match! Harry Underwood is certainly not to be underestimated.

W.W.: That’s damn right, Jim. The Bar-BEAR-ian Harry Underwood is going to take the GOLD tonight, or platinum, or mega-diamond or whatever precious material Toity has unearthed to forge the FTUW title. Now that Lunar Plexus is out of this due to extreme slant trickery, Underwood is homing on the title.

J.R.: Speaking of Kenjiro, he’s up next to take on the Malevolent Minstrel of Maiming, Axelrod Waylyn! So we can hurry up and get to the match, I’ll speak for Warrior by saying Kenjiro is slit-eyed yellow beast shit pussy who will hopefully die an embarrassing death in this upcoming match.

W.W.: You forgot that he was no cock, Jim.

J.R.: That too.

W.W.: And only half a ball.

A WW2 bomber plane soars above the arena and drops it payload of Reginald Lightning and the Wheel of Fatality. Their parachutes open and they gently descend into the ring, but actually the parachute on the Wheel fails and it falls straight into the FTUW Orphan Zone.

W.W.: Thank God the Wheel of Fatality wasn’t damaged!

Reginald Lightning produces a very long stick from nowhere and reaches into the audience and gives the wheel a whack, spinning it.

Lightning: According to the Wheel of Fatality, the following match will be a ELECTRIC FUNERAL DEATH MATCH!

J.R.: What in the blue hell is an ELECTRIC FUNERAL DEATH MATCH?

W.W.: Just wait and see, Jim!

Lightning: Coming to the ring first … HAILING from JAPAAAAAAN and weighing in at 230 POUUUUNDS … KANZAAAAAKI KEEEEENJIROOOOO!!

W.W.: BOOOOOOO FAGGOT QUEER!

Kenjiro saunters towards the ring, his white school uniform fluttering despite their being no wind in this closed stadium. Some fans are irritated that Kenjiro is too busy keeping his hands warm in his pockets to SLAP FIVE with them, so they piss into liquor bottles with their ALCOHOL RICH-URINE to make MOLOTOV COCKTAILS. They are flung at KENJIRO but a quick flick of the WRIST sends them HURDLING BACK. The fans BURST INTO FLAMES, one flying down a guy’s throat and EXPLODING IN HIS STOMACH, BURNING HIS INSIDES WITH HIS OWN FLAMING PISS.

Kenjiro flips effortlessly into the ring and pulls down the bill of his cap while muttering something in Japanese.

Lightning: And his opponent … HAILING from PARTS UNKNOWN and weighing in at 150 POUNDS … AXELROOOOOD WAAAAYLYYYYYYN!!

A vicious and powerful CHORD begins reverberating through the arena. As it gets louder and louder, the WOMEN of the audience find themselves startin’ ta sweat. Soon they begin PAWING at their GENITALS as new CHORD is hit. This sort of behavior is all the encouragement the men need to start gangbanging these chicks who are moaning in ecstasy. As a UNHOLY GUITAR SOLO in unleashed, basically everyone in the audience is fucking.

W.W.: Now THIS is entertainment! If you don’t mind, Jim, I’m going to go get my FUCK ON.

Dressed in a black bandana and trench coat, the emaciated Axelrod steps out onto the stage while lazily busting out the most righteous guitar solo since Handsomus. He continues this masterpiece of rocking as he climbs the steps and into the ring. With one last note, the audience has a mind-blowing orgasm and 30% of the women become pregnant.

J.R.: It is a nice change of pace to see the beginnings of LIFE in the FTUW instead of the cruel extinguishing of it.

Axelrod leaps into the ring easily and lands with a slight stagger. The skin of his torso hugs his bones tightly with each breath. His head hangs down as his breath leaves him like steam.

“He can’t be exhausted … his first round was a bye,” Kenjiro thinks. “He looks … possessed …”

CLANG! A CAGE WALL SHOOTS UP, BARRING OFF ONE SIDE OF THE RING. THEN ANOTHER BURSTS FROM THE GROUND, COVERING THE FOURTH OF THE RING BEHIND KENJIRO. THE LAST TWO RISE, TRAPPING THE TWO COMPETITORS INSIDE.

J.R.: But this looks like an ordinary cage match!

W.W.: WATCH!

CHAINS LOWER DOWN THE TOP OF THE STEEL CAGE to fully ENCLOSE the fighters inside, but something ODD is attached to it. It is a COFFIN, with NUMEROUS CONNECTED to ALL SIDES. There is a timer reading 10 on the front of the coffin.

J.R.: A CASKET?

W.W.: Yes, Jim. In the Electric Funeral Death Match, each cage wall is ELECTRIFIED to prevent escape, but that’s not the point! The objective is to KNOCK YOUR OPPONENT into the COFFIN in the ceiling, at which point will CLOSE as to INJECT THEM MILLIONS UPON MILLIONS OF VOLTS, or however much it takes to TURN THEM INTO ASH, because that’s what’s going to happen!

J.R.: So one of these two men in the ring will definitely die tonight?!

W.W.: There’s no way around it! You have to spend ten seconds in that coffin to lose! Three alone will cause your skin to burst into flames!

The bell sounds and Kenjiro springs into action, INSTANTLY DASHING towards AXELROD WAYLYN. Waylyn, still looking sickly, slams on his guitar and unleashes a SONIC BOOM of a NOTE. Kenjiro JUKES out of the way and the SOUND only manages to slice open his arm.

FWAAAAM! Another CHORD is RIPPED and travels along the ground, TEARING UP THE CANVAS as it HURDLES towards KENJIRO. Kenjiro FRONT FLIPS over it as he CLOSES IN. Pulling his back, KENJIRO FIRES A PUNCH just as AXELROD HITS A NOTE, SENDING KENJIRO FLYING BACK INTO THE CAGE WALL!

W.W.: YEAH! AXELROD IS GOING TO MAKE HIM INTO A FRIED WONTON!

Electricity PULSES through KENJIRO’S BODY, causing him to CONVULSE before he drops to the mat on his knees. A single streak of blood runs down his lips as the numerous metallic trinkets on his body flicker with small bolts of energy. He grits his teeth as he adjusts his cap.

“No choice. I have to get that guitar away from him if I wanna win,” Kenjiro thinks.

Kenjiro stands up and collects his breathing before marching towards Axelrod. Axelrod, his head bobbing as his fingerpicks run along the guitar strings, pays him no attention. SUDDENLY, a BLAST OF MUSIC is LAUNCHED out towards KENJIRO. With the wave of a HAND, KENJIRO CREATURES a VACUUM that redirects the SOUND WAVES around him. Waylyn STRUMS once more, sending out RAZOR LIKE SONIC BLASTS at KENJIRO only to be NULLFIED by his VACUUMS.

J.R.: Folks, it seems Kenjiro is waving his arms at Axelrod which is somehow preventing his guitar playing from suddenly rocking the shit out of him!

WHOOSH! KENJIRO THRUSTS HIS FINGERS FORWARD and the STRINGS on the guitar SUDDENLY SNAP. A righteous blast of MUSIC CAREENS into the CEILING, causing sparks to SPEW from the electrically-charged COFFIN. As the RING is LIT UP with ELECTRICITY, Kenjiro SLAMS a VICIOUS RIGHT into AXELROD’S RIBS.

“Guuuuh!” AXELROD SAYS, puking up MILKY-WHITE SICK. Ducking a CRESCENT KICK, Axelrod returns by SLAMMING the GUITAR into KENJIRO’S GUT. With him buckled over, HE DROPS the THING onto his HEAD, driving him FACE FIRST into the mat!

W.W.: Despite Axelrod being a liberal degenerate, I’m starting to like the guy. At least he’s American, I think.

With REMARKABLE SPEED and PRECISION, Axelrod begins RESTRINGING his GUITAR. As soon as he finishes, Kenjiro fists DRIVES into the BACK OF HIS HAND, crushing it against the GUITAR and SHATTERING HIS BONES.

“GRK!” Axelrod MOANS, holding up his BLOOD-SQUIRTING HAND. With one HAND on the NECK, he CRANES his neck and begins LICKING THE STRINGS. Kenjiro creates a VACUUM in front of AXELROD’S FACE that SHREDS the TIP OF HIS TONGUE. Waylyn somersaults backwards, streaks of blood from his mouth creating circles in air with each roll.

“You’re nothing without that guitar of yours,” Kenjiro mutters, lighting a cigarette. “Give it up.” Axelrod begins chuckling, BLOOD BUBBLES forming on his lips as he UNZIPS HIS FLY with his GOOD HAND. Kenjiro REALIZING that Axelrod intends to play with his GENITALS, once his DICK POPS UP Kenjiro FLICKS HIS WRIST and creates a VACUUM TO ZIP UP ON TOP OF HIS COCK.

J.R.: Well, that’s what Axelrod gets for not wearing underwear!

W.W.: I did that once, but the titanium zipper just exploded on my flesh tree.

The GUITAR STRAP SNAPS and the WEAPON flies into Kenjiro hands. Quickly, he runs his fingers up the neck of the guitar, exploding the strings into a hundred fibers. With that, he tosses the weapon at Axelrod’s feet.

“So then … are you ready to surrender?” Kenjiro mutters, his eyes obscured by his cap. Axelrod Waylyn looks down and begins snickering.

“FAAACK YOUUUU!” he SAYS, SCREAMING BLOOD. HE CHARGES FORWARD, SWINGING HIS GOOD HAND TOWARDS KENJIRO’S NECK, READY TO PLUCK OUT THE ARTERY.

BOOOOM! THE TIPS OF HIS GUITAR PICK FINGERS BARELY ENTER KENJIRO’S FLESH as KENJIRO’S KNEES DRIVES ITSELF into AXELROD’S ABDOMEN. Staggering back, Axelrod’s fingers are pulled from Kenjiro’s neck before they can do any damage. KENJIRO’S EYES LIGHT UP as an ANGRY ROAR BELLOWS OUT FROM HIS THROAT.

“ORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORA!!” KENJIRO SCREAMS, KNOCKING THE SHIT OUT OF AXELROD WAYLYN WITH BLINDINGLY FAST PUNCHES.

J.R.: ETERNAL LOOOOP!!

W.W.: God damnit.

BLOOD LITTERS THE CANVAS IN PUDDLES as AXELROD IS HANGING IN MID-AIR FROM THE FORCE OF KENJIRO’S BLOWS. Despite the VIOLENT FUCKING ROCKING he’s RECEIVING, AXELROD’S FOCUS IS ON HIS GUITAR. As his BRAIN BOUNCES off the walls of his SKULL, his ARM reaching for his BELOVED.

Finishing his one hundred hit combo, Kenjiro crouches down while Waylyn still hovers in mid-air.

J.R.: AND THE 360 DEGREES!!

BOOOOM! KENJIRO SPRINGS UPWARD and KICKS AXELROD SQUARE IN THE JAW. AT THE SAME TIME, AXELROD MANAGES TO GRAB ONTO THE NECK OF HIS GUITAR BEFORE HE IS FLUNG STRAIGHT UP INTO THE ELECTRIC DEATH COFFIN. SLAM! THE DOOR SHUT AND THE LATCHES AUTOMATICALLY UNLOCK.

J.R.: HE’S GOT HIM!

An executioner at ring side flips the switch. The LIGHTS OF THE ARENA begin to FLICKER as the CAGE TAKES AN OTHERWORDLY GLOW. BLUE BOLTS OF ELECTRICITY BOUNCE FROM METAL BAR TO BAR UNTIL REACHING THE COFFIN. SPARKS SHOOT EVERYWHERE AS THE COFFIN SHAKES WILDLY.

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!

FOUR!

J.R.: BAH GAWD, AXELROD IS DEAD!

FIVE!

SIX!

BOLTS OF LIGHTNING BEGIN FIRING OFF THE COFFIN, STRIKING THE MAT AND SETTING IT AFLAME. KENJIRO QUICKLY EXTINGUISHES THE FLAMES WITH VACUUMS INSIDE THE RING BUT CAN’T DO MUCH FOR THE FANS GETTING EXPLODED AT RINGSIDE.

SEVEN!

EIGHT!

J.R.: CUT THE POWER! CUT THE DAMN POWER! THIS IS OVER!

W.W.: I hope Axelrod wanted to be cremated!

NINE!

The ELECTRICITY turns a HELLISH RED and begins CIRCLING THE COFFIN.

TEN!

The ELECTRICITY is SHUT OFF and the COFFIN is left CHARRED AND SMOKING. Kenjiro shakes his head as the COFFIN DOOR OPENS and only ASH POURS OUT.

W.W.: Well, hopefully Kenjiro will get murdered the winner of our next match.

J.R.: All Axelrod is now is … dust in the wind.

Lightning is brought down to ring side on a dolly to announce the winner.

Lightning: And your winner by MURDER … KENJIROOOO KANZA-

SUDDENLY, A HAND GROWS OUT OF THE ELECTRICAL DEVICE ATTACHED TO REGINALD LIGHTNING’S NECK AND STABS HIM IN THE THROAT. BLOOD SPRAYS INTO THE AIR AS FTUW FACULTY RUN TO HIS AIDE.

J.R.: BAH GAWD! WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?!

W.W.: DID SOMEONE SHOOT LIGHTNING?

J.R.: NO, THAT WAS A DAMN HAND! I SAW IT!

Kenjiro’s head BOLTS OVER TO THE COMMOTION as a SHADOWY FIGURE RISES UP OUT OF THE MAT.

“KENJIRO-O-O-O …” a voice with a METALLIC TONE UTTERS. “Our match isn’t OVERRRR …”

Kenjiro turns to see AXELROD WAYLYN STANDING BEFORE HIM, his SKIN A PALE WHITE and his eyes GLOWING RED. Up and down his arms are metallic lines, resembling strings, each one attaching himself to a finger. All the INJURIES he had sustained before are suddenly gone! He looks healthier than ever before, even his usually lanky physique is a bit more muscular!

W.W.: What the fuck?! AXELROD is ALIVE?! Is he related to the fucking ILLUSIONIST?

J.R.: I don’t seem to understand what’s going on but Axelrod Waylyn is quite alive and well despite his ashes being spread across the mat!

“Things are getting interesting,” Kenjiro says, a bead of sweat cascading down his cheek. IMMEDIATELY HE CHARGES FORWARD, STEPPING THROUGH THE ASH AS HE PULLS BACK HIS FIST. Waylyn seems utterly unconcerned and instead plays a little air guitar while his opponent charges him.

IN AN INSTANT AFTER KENJIRO HURLS HIS PUNCH, AXELROD WAYLYN IS GONE.

“What’s wrong, Kenjiro? I’m over here,” Waylyn replies, standing at the exact opposite corner of the ring. GRITTING HIS TEETH, KENJIRO DARTS TOWARDS HIM WITH A SPINNING KICK, BUT ONCE AGAIN HE VANISHES AND REAPPEARS BEHIND HIM.

J.R.: Do you see WHAT I’m seeing, WARRIOR?

W.W.: He’s fucking teleporting!

“There’s no way he can teleport, that’s ridiculous,” Kenjiro thinks but looking down at the ASH-COVERED MAT only confirms his suspicions. Only his own footprints are in the dust and that sharp, lingering smell along with the brief flashes of light confirm to him that is indeed teleportation.

BOOOOM! KENJIRO REELS BACK AS A FIST COLLIDES INTO HIS RIBS. SUDDENLY, HIS SHOULDER IS RIPPED OPEN, SHOOTING BLOOD INTO THE AIR. The ATTACKS KEEP COMING, KENJIRO ONLY ABLE to CATCH A BRIEF GLIMPSE OF AXELROD before he is ATTACKED.

“There’s gotta be a way to predict his movements,” Kenjiro thinks as he is ROCKED with an UPPERCUT. Out of the corner of his eye he sees the solution!

Using vacuums, KENJIRO KICKS UP THE ASH ON THE GROUND and FORMS A BARRIER AROUND HIMSELF. Before AXELROD APPEARS, THE FOG OF ASH IS PUSHED OUT OF THE WAY as he EXPANDS INTO THAT SPACE. Axelrod’s PUNCH FAILS and KENJIRO GRABS HIS ARM, BREAKING WITH HIS KNEE AT THE ELBOW.

“Y-You bastard!” AXELROD MUTTERS before VANISHING IN AN INSTANT. He appears behind KENJIRO who SLAMS HIS ELBOW INTO HIS THROAT, SENDING HIM BACKWARDS.

“I know your trick now, Axelrod,” Kenjiro mutters, “You cannot defeat me. Give up.”

With HEAVY PANTING, AXELROD RAISES HIS FINGERS TOWARDS KENJIRO.

”We’ll SEE ABOUT THAT.”

THE GUITAR PICKS WELDED TO AXELROD’S FINGERNAILS BEGIN SPINNING IN PLACE, CREATING MINIATURE TORNADOS ON THE TIPS OF HIS HANDS with FAINT BOLTS OF ELECTRICITY rebounding between the PICK and the EXPOSED FLESH UNDER THE NAIL. With a SMIRK, THE GUITAR PICKS FIRE OFF AND CUT THROUGH KENJIRO’S BODY before SLAMMING into the METAL CAGE BEHIND HIM and DISSIPATING.

J.R.: AXELROD JUST SHOT HIS FINGERNAILS?

“I don’t have to get close to you to kill you, KENJIRO!” AXELROD SAYS as a RED BOLT OF ENERGY regenerates his LOST FINGERNAILS. As Kenjiro takes a knee, AXELROD POINTS ALL FINGERS AT KENJIRO.

FWIT FWIT FWIT! BLOOD SPLASHES INTO THE AIR AS A HAIL OF RAZOR-SHARP BLADES CUT THROUGH KENJIRO. OVER AND OVER AXELROD FIRES, LAUGHING MANIACALLY, AS HIS FINGERNAILS TEAR THROUGH KENJIRO’S FLESH. A small puddle of blood begins to expand around Kenjiro.

“Pft, you have a knack for hanging on, Kenjiro,” Axelrod mutters as he steps towards the weakened Kenjiro, “But I’m done playing around.”

Once in RANGE, KENJIRO’S HAND WHIPS UP TOWARDS AXELROD’S FACE but Axelrod MERELY SLAPS IT AWAY. Kenjiro nearly topples over from the slight brush.

“This is pathetic,” Waylyn says, pointing his index finger towards Kenjiro’s forehead, ready to blow his brains out with one last shot.

FWIT! THE FINGERNAIL IS FIRED BUT CURVES STRAIGHT INTO AXELROD’S OWN FACE, JAMMING ITSELF RIGHT INTO HIS SKULL! AXELROD TREMBLES, BLOOD OOZING FROM HIS NOSE AS THE TIP OF THE FINGERNAIL SCRATCHES HIS BRAIN. THE BLOODY KENJIRO RISES UP.

J.R.: HE SHOT HIMSELF?! I assume Kenjiro did something awesome just now but I have no idea what it is! Hopefully someone will explain it to me!

“The reason I’m still alive now is that I redirected your fingernails from my vital organs using vacuums,” Kenjiro mutters, his outfit stained in blood. “It was all to get you closer, to make you think I was powerless.”

“KCK … KCK …” AXELROD MUTTERS, HIS BODY NEARLY CONVULSING.

“Somehow … you’ve merged with that guitar while you were in the coffin and that rockatricity-fueled weapon has turned you into rockatricity itself,” Kenjiro says, stepping towards the weakened Axelrod. “The red bolts of energy and the smell of ozone was enough to convince me. But seeing you now, bleeding blood and trembling before me, I know that transforming into rockatricity is just a trick. It has limits, like everything else, and you’ve reached your limit.”

“K-K-KENJIRO …” AXELROD MUTTERS. KENJIRO DROPS TO HIS KNEES AND PULLS HIS FIST TO HIS SIDE, PREPARING FOR HIS ULTIMATE ATTACK!

J.R.: THE FEELING OVER! THE FEELING OVER!

THE FIST RISES UP TOWARDS THE STUNNED AXELROD WAYLYN, ONE OF HIS OWN FINGERNAILS JUTTING OUT OF HIS SKULL. AS THE UPPERCUT SLAMS INTO AXELROD’S CHIN, HE VANISHES!

W.W.: HE’S GONE! HE STILL MUST HAVE SOME ENERGY LEFT!

“KENJIROOO!” KENJIRO CAN HEAR AXELROD’S VOICE IN HIS EAR. “IT’S OVER!”

POPPING OUT OF THE METAL “K” AFFIXED TO KENJIRO’S COLLAR IS THE UPPER BODY OF AXELROD WAYLYN. IN DESPERATION, HE JAMS HIS HAND INTO KENJIRO’S CHEST.

J.R.: COULD IT BE … HEART SALAD SURGERY?!

W.W.: NO!!

AS THE FINGERNAILS DIG INTO THE FLESH, KENJIRO’S HAND SNAPS UP AND CLENCHES HIS WRIST. WITH HIM FIRMLY HELD IN PLACE, KENJIRO LEAPS STRAIGHT INTO THE AIR AND BEGINS FALLING BACKWARDS. HE’S PULLING OFF AN UNORTHODOX VARIATION OF THE ROLLING GO!!

BOOOOOM! AXELROD’S FACE GETS SLAMMED STRAIGHT INTO THE MAT. THE REST OF HIS BODY SLIDES OUT OF THE METAL “K”. Kenjiro RISES UP OVER the BROKEN and BATTERED AXELROD, his FOOT RAISED IN THE AIR.

”If I have to kill you to end this, so be it …” Kenjiro says.

CLAAAANG! THE METAL CAGE DOOR RIPS OPEN AND A FIGURE CLAD IN A CLOAK DROPS INTO THE RING. KENJIRO SPRINGS BACKWARDS AS THE FIGURE CROUCHES BESIDE AXELROD.

“Wait … I don’t sense any murderous intent from this man …” Kenjiro thinks to himself. The cloaked figure picks up the unconscious Axelrod and leaps out of the ring, disappearing through the exit.

W.W.: SO WAIT A MINUTE. WHAT JUST HAPPENED? WHO WON?

J.R.: I guess since Kenjiro had him stuck in that coffin for 10 seconds, he’s been the winner this whole time! That whole fight after that point was, well, pointless!

Reginald Lightning, his neck sewn up and wrapped at gauze, appears at ringside.

Lightning: AND YOUR WINNER … KENJIROOOO KANZAAAAKI!
Vinny
[00:10] How can you get an erect dick into your own ass?
Joined: 16 Jan 2007
Posts: 5181
(Sun Jun 17, 2007 7:01 pm)
Reply

Post     Re: FTUW's MURDERGEDDON RESSURRECTION

J.R.: Just up ahead is the last match of the second round, the winner of which will go onto face Kenjiro Kanzaki in the semi-finals. Our next two competitors is interesting, to say the least.

W.W.: Or fucking stupid, if you ask me. One is a big asshole with a hammer and the other is a dog. I may be stating the obvious, but WHO GIVES A SHIT? Neither of them are even foreign or gay or Chinese so I can’t derive pleasure watching them get maimed.

J.R.: But Warrior, wasn’t Jake Callaghan your defense attorney when you were accused of killing a tour bus full of homosexuals?

W.W.: Big deal, Jim, I would’ve gotten off the hook myself. How could they put away a face like this?

J.R.: Well, um.

W.W.: He’s a dog, Jim. Dog is man’s BEST FRIEND, not man’s MORTAL ENEMY. His torture rack may only be second to Lex Luger’s, but he’s just a shitty little MUTT. It’s not like he’s something awesome, like a BEAR MAN or a SHARK MAN. Now those are superstars!

J.R.: Well, it seems like Reginald Lightning is ready to start the next match.

Two Toity goons pull on ropes, propelling Reginald Lightning into ring as he’s hanging from them by clothespins. As his near useless lower body touches the mat, another goon sprays down his bulging vocal chords with a Windex bottle of herbal tea. Nearby, two

FTUW Staff members sacrifice a virgin to the Wheel of Fatality, greasing its gears with her untainted blood. A young boy is ushered into the ring, the winner of the most dead immediate family members contest. He pulls the handle, which is covered in thorns that inject themselves into your body when you apply pressure to him, and he is viciously drug around the wheel, sloshing his blood everywhere. Finally, it stops …

Lightning: And the following match is a … DOG COLLAR MATCH!

W.W.: What are the ODDS!

J.R.: So wait, it’s a dog collar match? Just an ordinary dog collar match?

W.W.: There’s no way! This is the FTUW! I bet the actual collar is made out of dogs, or the chain connecting the two is made out of FIRE.

Lightning: Coming to the ring first … HAILING from PARTS UNKNOWN and WEIGHING IN 230 POUNDS … THE BLAAAACK JUUUUDGE!!

Unceremoniously, the Black Judge descends into the ring, clad in his cloak, only uttering a few ellipses to anyone close enough to hear him.

Lightning: And his opponent … HAILING from BRANSON, NOUVEAU-RICHONIA and WEIGHING IN AT 95 POUNDS … DETECTIVE JAKE CALLAGHAAAAN!

Detective Callaghan, a dog, walks out in a dark brown jacket with matching tie. All the fans at ringside attempt to call him over and reach out to pet him, which he pensively accepts.

W.W.: Dogs are creatures the FTUW throws at our superstars to get slaughtered when two fighters are too far away from each other to fight at the moment. They aren’t supposed to be actually COMPETING.

Once in the ring, the two FIGHTERS stare down as FTUW staff attach metallic collars with blinking lights and such to their necks.

J.R.: Wait a minute, there isn’t even a chain attached between them! How is this a dog collar match?

W.W.: If you would pay ATTENTION, Jim, you would notice each ring post has a colored light attached to the top and HEY, each of those collared lights correspond to a light on the collar! If I was a betting man, each of those is a ZONE. Walk into that zone when it’s lit up and BAM, something will happen.

J.R.: Sounds reasonable enough. Let’s get to the match since it’s about to start.

Detective Callaghan tugs at the collar, prodding the LEDs that are currently inactive. As he looks up, he sees the BLACK JUDGE RUSHING AT HIM, HAMMER OVER HIS HEAD.

BOOOM! Callaghan skids back on his dog legs, just barely avoiding being CRUSHED by Judge’s mighty sledgehammer like GAVEL. As the Judge yanks his gavel out of the mat and aims it for Callaghan, the detective raises a PAW.

“HOLD IT!” Callaghan says, “Aren’t you on the side of justice, Black Judge? Why are we doing this?”

The Black Judge holds his hammer aloft.

“We shouldn’t be fighting each other if we both truly seek justice, correct?”

“…”

J.R.: What the hell is Callaghan doing now?

“However, if you were truly a man of justice, you would realize vigilantism never works!” Callaghan shouts, “How can one man alone decide the sins of another?”

WHAM! The hammer CRASHES DOWN but CALLAGHAN soars through the sky, FLYING over the JUDGE. As the JUDGE TURNS AROUND, CALLAGHAN stands there, rhythmically slapping one paw into the other.

“Interviews with those who’ve come in contact with you, and survived, state that your purpose is to ‘destroy wrestling.’ Mr. Judge, is this true?”

“… Well …” the Black Judge mutters underneath his cloak.

J.R.: Is he going to say something?!

“May I remind you that millions of people are watching, Mr. Judge, and it would look quite silly if you weren’t to answer me,” Callaghan says, smiling somehow.

The Black Judge lowers his head, obscuring his facial features.

“Fine then. Yes, you’re correct. It is my goal to destroy wrestling in all its forms. The practitioners of wrestling are my enemies. I want to erase it from this world,” the Black Judge coldly replies.

“And yet you’re here tonight, competing at an FTUW event …” Callaghan says, scratching his chin. “So you hate wrestling, yet you’re fighting in a wrestling match?”

The crowd begins to murmur to themselves loudly and the referee attempts to call them down.

J.R.: That is an interesting point!

W.W.: What the fuck are you talking about? WHO CARES, LET’S SEE SOME VIOLENCE.

“That is intriguing, Mr. Callaghan. Black Judge, how do you respond?” the Referee asks.

All right, I’ve got the referee on my side, finally … Callaghan thinks.

But the Black Judge is unaffected. He merely shrugs, shaking his head side to side before wagging his finger arrogantly at Jake Callaghan.

“And what does that prove, little doggy?” Black Judge replies, a little more enthusiastic about the discussion now. “So I’ve come here to destroy wrestling by smashing its face in? That still accomplishes the same goal.”

Well, he is right. I gotta change this around fast.

“Ah, good point. You better be going somewhere with this, Callaghan,” the referee says, displaying an extremely uncharacteristic aggression for the normally impotent position.

“I am, sir, but I have a request. If you wouldn’t mind, could you please play the last five seconds of Mr. Black Judge’s last match, the one with Ren Alexander?” Callaghan asks.

The referee thinks for a moment but eventually agrees, moving to the ropes to pass along the request to another referee. As Callaghan and Black Judge stand in the ring, awkwardly waiting, a video appears on the Faggotron. As requested, it’s the last 5 seconds of the Black Judge vs. Ren Alexander match.

W.W.: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS STUPID DOG DOING?

J.R.: I gotta agree, Warrior. I don’t really see the point.

In the match, the Black Judge punches Ren Alexander so hard in the gut that he vomits. Stunned, Judge hits him with a German Suplex and gets the three count.

“And what was this supposed to show us?” Referee asks.

“Isn’t it obvious? What I’m trying to show you is …”

CHOOSE YOUR ANSWER.

The cloak obscuring Black Judge’s identity.

The technique the Black Judge used.

The referee in the previous match.








”The technique, of course!” Callaghan says confidently as the crowd talks loudly amongst themselves.

J.R.: The technique?

“It was a German Suplex, Callaghan. So what’s your point!” the Referee shouts.

“I want to bring to the attention of the arena something the Judge said in this very match,” Callaghan says, grinning. “Let me quote him.

“Fine then. Yes, you’re correct. It is my goal to destroy wrestling in all its forms. The practitioners of wrestling are my enemies. I want to erase it from this world,” Callaghan says, slapping his paw against a sheet of paper he produced from nowhere.

“Callaghan …” Black Judge replies, gritting his teeth.

“You said the practitioners of wrestling are your enemies … YET YOU PRACTICE WRESTLING YOURSELF! THE GERMAN SUPLEX IS A CLASSIC PRO WRESTLING MOVE!” CALLAGHAN FUCKING POINTS AT THE BLACK JUDGE.

J.R.: OH!!

SUDDENLY, THE BLACK JUDGE’S CHEEK BURSTS OPEN AND BLOOD SHOOTS OUT BECAUSE OF HOW STUNNED HE IS.

W.W.: SHIT. I THINK CALLAGHAN HAS PSYCHIC POWERS.

J.R.: THIS DOG DOES MORE THAN CHASE HIS TAIL!

“T-That’s a logical paradox!” the Referee stammers. The Black Judge is in his corner, trembling.

“Y-You little … urk! I can’t believe that … ugh!” the Black Judge chokes out before SUDDENLY CHARGING FORWARD! CALLAGHAN DARTS TO THE SIDE AND BLACK JUDGE SLAMS INTO THE RING POST BEHIND HIM. THE LED ON TOP OF THE RING POST LIGHTS UP AND THE BLACK JUDGE’S DOG COLLAR BEGINS VIBRATING.

W.W.: IS SOMETHING VIOLENT GOING TO HAPPEN?

J.R.: WAIT, I THINK SO, WARRIOR!

BOOOOM! FLAMES SPRAY OUT OF THE RING POSTS AND BATHE THE BLACK JUDGE IN FIRE, EVENTUALLY TURNING HIM INTO THE INFERNO. Callaghan shakes his head solemnly at the fact that he was unable to defeat the Black Judge without killing him.

But then he suddenly hears a word. It sounds like … “fetch” …

PRAAANK! THE GAVEL FLIES OUT OF THE FIRE AND CLOCKS JAKE CALLAGHAN IN HIS FUCKING DOG FACE! WITH A YELP, CALLAGHAN FLIES ACROSS THE RING, BLOOD SPRAYING OUT OF HIS WET LITTLE NOSE.

J.R.: IT LOOKS LIKE THE BLACK JUDGE ISN’T BARBEQUE AFTER ALL!

The Black Judge leaps from the flames, his BLACK CLOAK coming off in ASHES from his body. Smoke rolls off his body, clad in leather armor wrapped with an assortment of weapons. From miniature explosives to throwing daggers, the Black Judge has it all.

“OBJECTION,” he remarks, exhaling some smoke. “The German Suplex is also used Olympic and collegiate wrestling.” Callaghan continues convulsing in the corner.

J.R.: Well, I wasn’t sure if he was winning after he hurled his gavel into Callaghan’s face like a javelin, but now that he’s sufficiently explained that his motivations are contradictory, I THINK HE HAS THIS IN THE BAG!

Callaghan looks up weakly as the Black Judge approaches him. Taking his gavel, he uses it to SCOOP up JAKE CALLAGHAN and HURL HIM INTO THE AIR. AS HE’S FLOATING, THE BLACK JUDGE YANKS BACK HIS GAVEL.

J.R.: IT’S THE OBJECTION!!

BOOOOM! But wait, CALLAGHAN AVOIDS THE HEAD OF THE HAMMER AND BITES INTO THE HANDLE. HE IS SWUNG VICIOUSLY BUT STILL MANAGES TO HANG ON.

“So, this is how you want to play?” the Black Judge asks before SPINNING ON HIS HEELS to BUILD SPEED. THE BLACK JUDGE TURNS INTO A BLACK TORNADO, DRAGGING THE POOR CANINE ALONG WITH HIM.

I can’t … hold … on … ! thinks CALLAGHAN. And he’s right. HE IS FLUNG INTO ONE CORNER, a few of his TEETH still EMBEDDED into the handle of the JUDGE’S GAVEL.

J.R.: Things aren’t looking good for Callaghan!

The Black Judge reaches into his bandolier and yanks out a few daggers. With a quick SWIPE, the DAGGERS are TOSSED into Callaghan’s LAPEL, pinning them to the turnbuckle his head is resting against.

Skrrrrrt. Jake Callaghan wakes up to the sound of the Judge’s gavel being dragged across the mat towards him. IN A FLASH, IT COMES CRASHING DOWN ON HIS THROAT. Luckily, CALLAGHAN was able to REACT IN TIME, PRESSING ALL FOUR OF HIS DOG LEGS AGAINST THE HAMMER HEAD. Unfortunately for him, his CANINE STRENGTH isn’t enough to PUSH BACK THE JUDGE AND HIS GAVEL.

BEEP BEEP BEEP! The green LED on the two fighters collars begin beeping. Callaghan looks up, and just as he feared the light on the ring post is GREEN and ITS FLASHING. He looks back at the BLACK JUDGE but he’s too absorbed in his MURDERING to notice!

J.R.: SOMETHING IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN IF THEY DON’T GET OUT OF THERE!

W.W.: I HOPE THESE TURNBUCKLES SHOVE DRILLS INTO THEIR URETHRAS.

As the LIFE IS CHOKING out of CALLAGHAN, he notices a SMALL NOZZLE popping out of the TURNBUCKLE above him. IN DESPERATION, HE SLAMS HIS HEAD INTO IT, KNOCKING IT UPWARDS.

A BLAST OF MUSTARD GAS SPRAYS OUT OF THE NOZZLE AND RIGHT INTO BLACK JUDGE’S FACE!

W.W.: HOLY SHIT!

“GAAAAH!” THE JUDGE SCREAMS, SHIELDING HIMSELF WITH HIS ARM AS CALLAGHAN DESPERATELY SCURRIES AWAY. Taking one of his THROWING DAGGERS, he IMMEDIATELY SLICES OPEN the BOILS FORMING ON HIS FACE. However, he can’t SEE through all the BLOOD AND PUS!

Justice is blind, but you wouldn’t know anything about that, would you?” Callaghan says, wiping the blood from his mouth. The Black Judge stands in the middle of the ring, swinging his GAVEL WILDLY in RAGE.

J.R.: What’s CALLAGHAN doing now?

“Knowing your enemy is the quickest path to victory, they say,” Callaghan mutters as he paces around the ring, carefully avoiding the blinded Judge’s wild blows. “So I took it upon myself to do a little research on you. I contacted the goon councils of the 31 countries in New America, and do you know what I found … ?”

The Black Judge pauses for a moment.

J.R.: W-WHAT’S HE GOING TO SAY?

“The Black Judge has not presided over a single trial. The Black Judge was not appointed in a single nation. The Black Judge wasn’t even elected in any nation, and everyone single person who ever walked into Donk Fuck was made elected as a judge!

“BLACK JUDGE, YOU ARE NOT A JUDGE AT ALL!

“ARGGHH!” JUDGE SHOUTS AS BLOOD SHOOTS OUT OF HIS MOUTH.

J.R.: BAH GAWD! BAH GAWD! THE BLACK JUDGE ISN’T A JUDGE AT ALL!

W.W.: AND HE ISN’T BLACK, EITHER!

“MY GREATEST SECRET … REVEALED!” THE BLACK JUDGE SCREAMS. “BUT NOW I KNOW WHERE YOU ARE!”

The BLACK JUDGE CHARGES FORWARD, BLIND SWINGING HIS GAVEL RETARDEDLY FAST, but CALLAGHAN is PREPARED! The Judge drops his HEEL on the tip of CALLAGHAN’S NOSE and CALLAGHAN USES HIS MOMENTUM AGAINST HIM TO FLIP HIM INTO THE AIR!

J.R.: RAISE THE WOOF!!

JAKE STANDS UP ON ALL FOURS AS THE BLACK JUDGE FALLS BACK TOWARDS THE RING.

J.R.: AND HE’S GOING FOR HIS FINISHER! THE TORTURE RACK!

BEEP BEEP BEEP! THE BLUE LED ON CALLAGHAN’S COLLAR BEGINS TO BLINK and HE REALIZES he’s WITHIN RANGE of the CORRESPONDING TURNPOST. BOOOM! A FUCKING CANNONBALL FIRES OUT OF THE RING POST STRAIGHT TOWARDS THE CANINE DETECTIVE.

W.W.: HE’S GOING TO GET FUCKING SPLATTERED!

NO! CALLAGHAN BACK FLIPS INTO THE AIR, DODGING THE CANNON BALL, BUT HE SEES THE BLACK JUDGE DESCENDING UPON HIM, HIS EYES TRANSFIXED WITH HIS OWN.

J.R.: NO! IT CAN’T BE! THE LETHAL INJECTION!

THE BLACK JUDGE DRIVES HIS FUCKING FIST INTO THE CHEST OF JAKE CALLAGHAN, NEARLY TEARING THROUGH HIS TORSO. CALLAGHAN SKIDS AWAY LIKE A HELPLESS DOG as THE JUDGE HITS THE MAT LIKE A SACK OF POTATOES.

Callaghan raises a paw up weakly before dropping to the ground, his tongue hanging out of the corner of his mouth. Jake Callaghan has died.

J.R.: THE LITTLE PUP … HE CAN’T BE DEAD … HE JUST CAN’T BE!

Unceremoniously, the Judge grabs his gavel and starts dragging it towards Callaghan to finish him off.

Is this … death? Callaghan thinks, surrounded by darkness. Did I really die?

J.R.: I can’t believe the career of such a stellar superstar could … end so quickly!

W.W.: You’re really broken up over this, Jim. He’s just a dog, you know!

J.R.: It’s just … he reminds me of my dog that I used to have when I was just a little boy in Oklahoma. Lucky, that was his name. What a good dog he was …

All this is … is nothing … Callaghan thinks. Just nothingness … that’s the end of life, huh?

J.R.: I remember how we used to … laugh and play. Chase the pigs through the shitfarm until momma would call us in both for dinner. Then daddy would serve us up the biggest plates of barbeque you ever did seen … sniff …

I guess I’ll be … joining you soon … baby …

J.R.: And Lucky would get the worst diarrhea from that barbeque, but he’d eat it up all the same. And daddy would beat the tar out of me with his belt because of the messes Lucky made. And one day the belt snapped as he was slapping me in the face … so daddy just picked up Lucky by his hind legs and struck me with him over and over until he exploded. Poor Lucky ...

W.W.: Awh, come on, Jim. You know all dogs go to heaven, right? Callaghan and Lucky are both in better places now.

WAIT! I can’t die like this!

J.R.: I guess you’re right.

If I die here … that bastard … that bastard who murdered my wife … HE’LL NEVER BE CAUGHT!

W.W.: I’m always right.

If I want to get closer to my wife’s killer … I HAVE TO DEFEAT YOU, BLACK JUDGE!

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP! The YELLOW and FINAL LIGHT on the collar goes off, corresponding to the RING POST that THE JUDGE and CALLAGHAN are RIGHT BESIDE.

A GIANT FLASH OF LIGHT BATHES BOTH AS ELECTRICITY SURGES FROM THE POSTS. CALLAGHAN DROPS HIS GAVEL AS LIGHTNING STRIKES IT AND BOLTS OF ELECTRICITY RANSACK THE CORPSE OF JAKE CALLAGHAN.

THUMP THUMP.

Black Judge curses and looks at his smoking hands.

THUMP THUMP.

W.W.: Soon Warrior will smash Jake Callaghan into kibble so you can put this whole thing behind you.

THUMP THUMP. JAKE CALLAGHAN’S EYES SNAP OPEN.

J.R.: Yeah …

“AWOOOOO!” CALLAGHAN HOWLS, DARTING FROM THE CORNER WITH BLINDING SPEED. THE ELECTRICITY THAT COURSED THROUGH HIS BODY RESTARTED HIS HEART!

J.R.: BAH GAAAWD! CALLAGHAN … HE’S ALIVE! IT’S A MIRACLE!

W.W.: MOTHERFUCKING BULLSHIT!!

IN A FLASH, CALLAGHAN FLIPS THE GAVEL ON THE GROUND WITH NOSE, SENDING IT SPIRALING INTO THE AIR AND INTO THE JUDGE’S FUCKING JAW!

“GUOOOOOH!” THE BLACK JUDGE VOMITS OUT AS HE IS KNOCKED INTO THE AIR. WITH SMOKE STILL COMING OFF HIS BODY, THE BACK-FROM-THE-DEAD CALLAGHAN SLIDES UNDER THE BLACK JUDGE AS HE FALLS INTO POSITION.

J.R.: TORTURE RACK! TORTURE RACK!

CRAAAAAACK! WITH BLACK JUDGE’S BONES BREAKING, CALLAGHAN DROPS BACKWARDS AND GOES FOR THE PIN!

OOOOOOONE!




TWOOOOOOO!





THREEEEEEEE! JAKE CALLAGHAN WINS! CALLAGHAN WINS!
















***


Last edited by Vinny on Sun Jun 17, 2007 8:41 pm; edited 6 times in total
Vinny
[00:10] How can you get an erect dick into your own ass?
Joined: 16 Jan 2007
Posts: 5181
(Sun Jun 17, 2007 7:02 pm)
Reply

Post     Re: FTUW's MURDERGEDDON RESSURRECTION

"What do you think about that, Referee!" Callaghan says, folding his front legs across his chest somehow.

"I don't see what you mean," the Referee replies, shaking his head. "You're going to have to try harder than that."

Then the Black Judge smashes Callaghan's head open with his gavel, spraying his dog brains everywhere.

Lightning: AND YOUR WINNER, THE BLACK JUUUUDGE!

The End.

*IGNORE THIS if you aren't reading the Callaghan vs. Black Judge match*
Vinny
[00:10] How can you get an erect dick into your own ass?
Joined: 16 Jan 2007
Posts: 5181
(Tue Jun 26, 2007 10:53 pm)
Reply

Post     Re: FTUW's MURDERGEDDON RESSURRECTION

J.R.: And here we are, on the CUSP of TONIGHT’S MAIN EVENT! And of our four remaining wrestlers, there’s only one that my commentating colleague doesn’t viciously despise.

W.W.: That’s fucking right, Jim! That He-Beast Harry Underwood is going to fucking devour a stupid goddamned chink, a mascara-wearing queer, and a CRIME-SOLVING CANINE COCKSUCKER to get to the belt he truly deserves, and I honestly can’t WAIT. I hope he shoves all of them into EACH OTHER’S ASSES and then uses their INTERCONNECTED BODIES as a INTERTUBE and RAFTS DOWN THE LAZY RIVER OF THEIR FUCKING BLOOD.

J.R.: I am excited, too, Warrior. If there was only a way we could skip the next two matches and go straight to the main event …

Suddenly, the FAGGOTRON LIGHTS UP and shows the LEATHERY FACE of BARON HOITY VON TOITY BEAMING a toothy SMILE at the audience.

“Greetings FTUW fans! As I’m sure most of you have to get up early to work in the shit mines or whatever it is you folk do, I decided to speed things up a bit!” Toity says, pulling on his mustache.

J.R.: Speed things up?! What is he talking about?

W.W.: Maybe if you shut your mouth for a second we could find out.

“The next two semi-finals and the main event for the FTUW Champisonship will happen all at once. That is, the next match will be three matches in one!”

The crowd begins SCREAMING in response to the exclamation point at the end of Toity’s sentence.

“We’ll bring back a favorite match type of mine, one that made that pompous yellow windbag taste his first defeat … KING SHIT OF FUCK HILL!”

J.R.: KING SHIT OF FUCK HILL? He must be talking about Ant King vs. Guan Fei, where Ant King won the Non-American Championship from the undefeated Guan Fei!

“But enough from me. Let’s bring out the HILL and get things started! Enjoy, lowlifes!”

KA-CHINK KA-CHINK KA-CHINK. From the rafters DESCENDS a MOUNTAIN made of RUSTED STEEL and stained with BLOOD. Dozens upon dozens of FTUW goons work in tandem to delicately lower the silver and grey monstrosity onto the arena floor. The front row looks up in glee before being CRUSHED under the hunk of metal.

J.R.: What is that ancient relic?

Spotlights hit revealing 5 rings, two on each side and one on the top of Fuck Hill. Random fumes spray into the air as multi-colored lights flash annoyingly. Lightning bungie jumps from the rafters.

Lightning: Contestants will fight on this pre-post-historic battleground retrieved from the ruins of Hollywood. It was thought to have been used to settle disputes over livestock in the mid nineteen hundred and nineties.

W.W.: Wait a minute, that isn’t no ancient relic! That’s the fucking mountain from GUTS!

J.R.: Gooo-uuts?

W.W.: GUTS, you smelly idiot! A bunch of faggot kids in plastic would climb up this mountain and declare themselves the strongest! My son Queerbasher was REPRESENTING the STATES on GLOBAL GUTS, beating the un-American countries into the fucking ground. Unfortunately, the queer liberal JUDGES disqualified him for violating that horse-faced referee.

Lightning: On each side, the two warriors will battle through two of their rings, ALL with SPECIAL and MYSTERIOUS GIMMICKS, to reach the FINAL RING placed at the top of the HILL. Once there are two fighters in the ring, regardless if both fighters are from one side of the hill, the ring will BE CLOSED OFF and the outsiders will be DISQUALIFIED. Of course, making it to the final ring won’t be so easy, what with all the traps installed on the HILLSIDE.

The last fighter remaining or the first to score a pinfall in the final ring will declared the FTUW CHAMPION. LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, WELCOME TO THE MURDER CRAG.

J.R.: This is intense!

LIGHTS FLASH to REVEAL all FOUR FIGHTERS in the STARTING RINGS on both sides of the MURDER CRAG. Jake Callaghan and Kanzaki Kenjiro stare down as Underwood slobbers all over himself, one eye twitching erratically, while the ILLUSIONIST cowers in his general direction.

“KILL … FUCK … MURDER …” Underwood says, staring off into space as he scratches his belly.

“St-stay back … I have … powers!” the ILLUSIONIST says, pointing a glove finger at Underwood with one hand while protecting his face with the other.

“I have to bring you in, Kenjiro …” Callaghan says, “I promise you’ll get a fair trial. Trust me.”

“Fair? In this world?” Kenjiro says, spitting. “This is a land without justice … so the only thing I can trust are these fists.”

THE BELL SOUNDS and the FIGHTERS CLASH.

J.R.: HERE WE GO, FOLKS!

“RIP AND TEAR! TEAR AND RIP!” UNDERWOOD HOWLS AS HE LEAPS FORWARD. As his VEINY HANDS reach for ILLUSIONIST’S STACK-OF-DIMES NECK, the ILLUSIONIST SUDDENLY VANISHES. Falling on his face, Underwood looks up to see the ILLUSIONIST being carried by a FLOCK OF DOVES, all attached to STRINGS which are attach to his collar!

W.W.: WHAT THE FUCK? FIGHT, YOU GODDAMNED QUEER.

J.R.: It seems the ILLUSIONIST is going straight for the final ring! I gotta say, it’s a smart move, although a bit cowardly.

-----

BOOOM! Kenjiro and Callaghan’s FISTS COLLIDE into EACH OTHER, causing them to stagger back. Kenjiro drops to the ground and attempts a SWEEP KICK but CALLAGHAN merely FLIPS FORWARD and HEEL KICKS KENJIRO into the BACK OF THE HEAD. In response, Kenjiro creates a VACUUM between CALLAGHAN’S FACE and the MAT, FACEBUSTERING him into the FLOOR.

J.R.: You gotta remember, folks, most of the men in this match have already fought twice tonight. It’s a miracle these guys are even standing!

With a DROPKICK, Kenjiro is slammed into the CORNER. Callaghan, panting but not because he’s exhausted or anything, adjusts his tie.

“Just give up, Kenjiro! Don’t make this more difficult than it has to be!” Callaghan shouts. Kenjiro, eyes obscured, places his hand on the turnbuckle behind him. With a quick WRIST MOVEMENT, the TURNBUCKLE is TORN from the RING POST and sent HURDLING TOWARDS CALLAGHAN.

W.W.: What is this? Is this the best that SLANT CAN DO?

The CANINE easily catches the turnbuckle in his mouth. Unfortunately, there’s one thing he didn’t expect.

“WHAT IS THAT? WHAT IS THAT?” CALLAGHAN SAYS, A LOUD BUZZING RUMBLING THROUGH HIS MOUTH. “OH NO, NOT THE BEES! NOT THE BEES!”

BEES! BEES EXPLODE OUT OF HIS MOUTH, COATING IN BLOOD, AS THE SWARM OVER HIM.

J.R.: Bees! Just like the Ant King vs. Guan Fei match, bees have been hidden in the turnbuckles!

KENJIRO BEGINS DASHING FROM ONE RING CORNER TO THE NEXT, LAUNCHING THE TURNBUCKLES AT CALLAGHAN. Right before STRIKING HIM, the vacuums attached to the TURNBUCKLES tear them APART, UNLEASHING A YELLOW AND BLACK FOG.

-----

“These doves aren’t going fast enough, Dilettante! I don’t think your plan is going to work!” the ILLUSIONIST says to the DILETTANTE’S FUCKING SKULL. Below, Underwood has leapt out of the starting ring and is CHARGING UP the HILL, chasing the ILLUSIONIST as he slowly floats up to the top.

“GRRAAAAGH!” UNDERWOOD SHOUTS as he BOUNDS UP THE RUSTY STEEL STRUCTURE, LEAPING FROM ROCK TO ROCK.

You must trust me, the Illusionist. When have I steered you wrong?

“Well, OK …” the Illusionist whimpers.

Just wait. The SECOND STAGE of my plan is about to begin … ku ku ku …

RUUUMBLE. Super Agent Harry Underwood pulls himself up over a cliff only to see a BOULDER BOUNCING TOWARDS HIS SKULL.

J.R.: It’s a ROCK SLIDE! This must be one of the traps in the Murder Crag!

UNDERWOOD LEAPS UP and GRAPPLES WITH THE BOULDER, SAFELY STOPPING IT before it SMASHES HIM TO GUTS. However, SPIKES SUDDENLY SHOOT out of the ROCK, PIERCING UNDERWOOD’S HANDS, ARMS, AND CHEST.

“GUUUHHH!” UNDERWOOD GROANS, SPITTING BLOOD.

“I-I see! So this was your plan all along, Dilettante!” the Illusionist says, pumping his fist.

BOOOM! Another BOULDER slams into the boulder Harry Underwood is grappling, DRIVING the SPIKES FURTHER into his FLESH. BOOM! Another one STRIKES UNDERWOOD, bringing him to his knees! AND THEN ANOTHER! BLOOD BEGINS CASCADING DOWN UNDERWOOD’S CHISELED FRAME and POOLING onto the ground below him.

“Guts … huge guts …” Underwood says, baring his teeth as FUR BEGINS GROWING ON HIS SKIN.

-----

With Callaghan reduced to a blob of swarming bees, Kenjiro pulls down the bill of his cap and leaps out of the ring.

J.R.: We may already be down to three, folks.

W.W.: Stupid fucking dog.

“I will bring you in …” Callaghan mutters through the almost deafening buzzing. Kenjiro’s head snaps around to see bees falling off of Callaghan one by one.

“H-How did he …” Kenjiro stammers.

“I WILL REVEAL THE TRUTH AND BRING YOU INTO JUSTICE!” CALLAGHAN SHOUTS, POINTING A PAW FORWARD THROUGH THE MASS OF BEES!

J.R.: CALLAGHAN CAN STILL MOVE?! AND EVEN DELIVER SUCH A DRAMATIC LINE?!

“But the bees …” Kenjiro mutters, but then as he sheds his SKIN OF BEES the answer is clear. 12 cigarettes dangle from his dog lips, and he’s compulsively smoking each and every one. Kenjiro feels inside his jacket pocket and quickly realizes those are his smokes. “Clever …”

“In the presence of smoke, these bees are harmless …” Callaghan says, spitting out the cigarettes. “I knew about the bees before hand. This nose doesn’t lie, of course.”

J.R.: Amazing! Is there anything this dog can’t do?

“And for the stings, I injected just the right amount of alkali into my body before the match to counterbalance the acidity of the bee stings. It’ll hurt eventually, but I still have enough time to defeat you, Kenjiro …”

Callaghan LEAPS over the ROPES and HEADBUTTS KENJIRO in the chest, SENDING HIM SKIDDING up the MURDER CRAG. The two begin DUKING IT OUT, in a way only a dog and a Japanese man can, as they trudge up the hillside.

BOOOM! From within a fissure CRYSTAL SHARDS EXPLODE, slashing into both Callaghan and Kenjiro’s body. More crystals explode out of the HILL, raining down on the two combatants and on the crowd, stabbing out fans’ eyes.

J.R.: I’m not exactly sure what this trap is, but it seems pretty dangerous!

Jake Callaghan hits a FLURRY of RAPID-FIRE KICKS that knocks KENJIRO on top of a nearby fissure. Grabbing the back of his head, CALLAGHAN shoves Kenjiro’s head into the fissure and a EXPLOSION of CRYSTAL SHARDS DETONATES RIGHT INTO HIS FACE. Kenjiro’s body goes limp.

W.W.: Hahaha, that fucking chink may have gotten killed by a dog!

Callaghan pulls Kenjiro’s head up to see his face SCRATCHLESS, his eyes STARING BACK at Callaghan. Kenjiro opens his mouth to reveal THE CRYSTAL SHARDS SWIRLING WILDLY INSIDE HIS MOUTH.

J.R.: HE CAUGHT THEM WITH A VACUUM!

BAAAM! The SHARDS FIRE OUT OF KENJIRO’S MOUTH AND SLAMS INTO JAKE CALLAGHAN’S FACE.

-----

“HNGGGGG!” Harry Underwood HURLS the SPIKED BOULDER like a SHOT PUT into the AIR towards THE ILLUSIONIST. The ILLUSIONIST flutters his legs in an attempt to AVOID the BOULDER as it speeds PAST HIM and SLAMS INTO SOME OF HIS DOVES.

W.W.: THAT COCKFACE WON’T BE ABLE TO RUN FOR LONG!

“Come on come on come on come on!” the ILLUSIONIST says in a whiney pitch as more GIANT, SPIKED BOULDERS fly towards him. SPLAT! More doves EXPLODE into BLOOD AND SHIT as the ILLUSIONIST falls slowly to the ground.

CALLAGHAN’S HEAD finishes its transformation into a BEAR HEAD and he slams his hairy palms onto a boulder. COLLECTING ENERGY INTO HIS KNEES, HE LEAPSA INTO THE AIR towards the HAPLESS MAGICIAN and SLAM DUNKS THE FUCKING BOULDER ONTO THE ILLUSIONIST.

J.R.: BOOMSHAKALAKA!

The ILLUSIONIST is PROPELLED into the MAT OF THE SECOND RING by the SPIKE BALL and slams into it with a SICKENING THUD. His body bounces into the corner leaping SPOTS of BLOOD across the mat.

J.R.: The ILLUSIONIST is one step closer to the title, but I’m not sure there’s going to be enough of him left to wrap a belt around.

Wake up, Vic, wake up! If you don’t start moving this asshole is going to kill you! the Dilettante’s skull screams in his mind.

THUD. Werebear Underwood drops into the ring, his body WRAPPED in shadows and his eyes TWO GLOWING GREEN ORBS peering past his MASK OF DARKNESS.

“I think … my bones are broken … Dilettante …” the ILLUSIONIST says weakly, blood running down his face.

Well, uh … magic it away! That’s what you do, right?

“Heh heh … it’s not that easy …” the ILLUSIONIST says.

Well, you better defend yourself, Vic!

As UNDERWOOD STOMPS FORWARD, the ILLUSIONIST pulls out a single PLAYING CARD and raises it TOWARDS UNDERWOOD. With a quick twist, UNDERWOOD BRUTALLY SNAPS HIS ARM.

W.W.: YEAH! FUCK ‘EM UP, UNDERWOOD.

The ILLUSIONIST doesn’t even have the STRENGTH to CRY as he simply drops the card on the floor as UNDERWOOD grabs him by the throat. Lifting him up, he takes him to the RING POST, which just happens to have a TABLE SAW MOUNTED ON TOP OF IT.

J.R.: It looks like we found the theme of the second ring, folks! There seems to be weapons mounted on the top of each ring post!

As UNDERWOOD activates the saw, he GRABS THE ILLUSIONIST by his TINY HEAD and BRINGS IT TO THE SPINNING BLADE. However, the camera begins PANNING away from UNDERWOOD & ILLUSIONIST for some reason and down to the MAT. It shows the PLAYING CARD that the ILLUSIONIST DROPPED. It’s a JOKER.

Then suddenly, the CARD BEGINS TO SWELL, expanding into a more THREE DIMENSIONAL OBJECT. A HAND GROWS OUT OF THE CARD, THEN AN ARM, THEN A GAUDILY-COLORED BODY. OUT FROM THE CARD EMERGES A FUCKING JESTER!

W.W.: WHAT THE FLAMING FUCK IS THAT RAINBOW FAGGOT SHIT?

J.R.: A … A PERSON JUST GREW OUT OF THAT CARD, WARRIOR!

Unbeknownst to Underwood, the JOKER begins prancing around faggily with his little JESTER SCEPTER before HAULING OFF AND BIG BOOTING UNDERWOOD’S MOTHERFUCKING FACE RIGHT INTO THE SAW BLADE.

J.R.: BAH GAWD! UNDERWOOD’S FACE … IT’S BEEN CUT IN HAAAALF!

BRRRRRRT! BLOOD AND BONE FRAGMENT FUCKING SPRAYS EVERYWHERE AS THE BLADE TEARS THROUGH HIS GODDAMN SKULL. The ILLUSIONIST falls on his ass and begins crawling away as the JOKER dances around gleefully, bathing in the mist of BLOOD spraying out of Harry Underwood’s face.

Now that’s how you do it! shouts the DILETTANTE as the ILLUSIONIST dry heaves.

THWUNK! UNDERWOOD YANKS HIS BLOOD DRENCHED FACE OFF THE RING POST, BRINGING THE SAW BLADE WITH HIS FACE! HE REMAINS MOTIONLESS, blood DRIPPING from the SAW BLADE jutting from his FACE like a RHINO HORN. Slowly, he turns to the ILLUSIONIST, HIS FUCKING EYES BULGING OUT OF HIS SKULL.

W.W.: HE’S NOT DONE! NOT BY A FUCKING LONGSHOT!

UNDERWOOD TILTS HIS HEAD BACK, OPENS HIS MOUTH, AND BEGINS GARGLING THE BLOOD LEAKING FROM HIS FACE WHILE LAUGHING RETARDEDLY. The JESTER takes this opportunity to PRANCE towards the WEREBEAR, his SCEPTER THINGY RAISED ABOVE HIS HEAD.

GRKKK! Underwood SWINGS his HEAD and SLITS the JOKER’S THROAT with the FUCKING SAW BLADE EMBEDDED IN HIS FACE. The JOKER staggers back, the HOLE in his ARTERY WHISTLING as it SPRAYS a THIN STREAM of BLOODY MIST. The JOKER drops to his knees and suddenly, his OUTFIT and SKIN TURN INTO THE CONFETTI. The confetti is shed from his body and the JESTER is revealed to be nothing more than a DEAD FAN.

W.W.: One of our PRECIOUS FANS? That HEARTLESS BASTARD. I HOPE TO GOD HARRY UNDERWOOD RAPES HIS MOTHER.

With a SLIGHT SQUEAL, the ILLUSIONIST throws out a few more PLAYING CARDS which TRANSFORM into 3D VERSIONS. The JACK leaps into the AIR, going for a SAVAGE ELBOW DROP but UNDERWOOD whips HIS HEAD and SLASHES OPEN HIS ARMPIT. The Jack collapses into a HEAP and UNDERWOOD does a BENOIT FLYING HEADBUTT and LOBOTIMIZES HIM.

W.W.: FUCK YEAH!

In the CORNER, the QUEEN begins FEEDING AMMO into a MACHINE GUN mounted on one of the ring posts while TWO KINGS dash towards Underwood. A KING stabs UNDERWOOD and, with surgical precision, Underwood yanks the blade out of his chest and JAMS IT THROUGH THE SIDE of the KING’S HEAD to make a SUICIDE KING. Then he yanks the ACTUAL SUICIDE KING’S SWORD out of his HEAD and the SUICIDE KING BLEEDS TO DEATH.

KACHUNG! KACHUNG! KACHUNG! SHELL CASING LITTER THE AIR AS THE QUEEN UNLOADS HOT LEAD INTO UNDERWOOD, BUT UNDERWOOD GRABS THE CORPSES OF THE SLAIN ROYALTY AND USES THEM AS A HUMAN SHIELD. BLOOD AND GUTS SPLATTER AND SPRAY AS THE BODY SHIELDS FALL APART, PIECE BY PIECE, TORN TO SHREDS BY THE WEAPONS as UNDERWOOD CHARGES FORWARD.

CLICK CLICK. The QUEEN LOOKS down at her EMPTY WEAPON in HORROR as Underwood tosses aside the FISTFULS OF MEAT he HAS LEFT and STEPS FORWARD. Yanking BACK HIS HEAD with INTENSE FURY, HE SCREAMS FLINGS HIS HEAD FORWARD LIKE A HAMMER.

“DYNAMITE!” HE SHOUTS, LAUNCHING THE SAW BLADE FROM HIS HEAD. IT STRIKES THE MACHINE GUN, RICOCHETS, AND SLAMS DIAGONALLY INTO THE QUEEN’S FACE. SHE VOMITS ALL OVER HERSELF AND FALLS DOWN THE MOUNTAIN.

W.W.: GODDAMNIT, THAT WAS FANTASTIC. YOU DON’T MIND IF I SLAP MY FULLY ERECT COCK AGAINST OUR ANNOUNCE TABLE A BIT, DO YOU, JIM?

J.R.: I, UH, ER- IMPRESSIVE DISPLAY FROM UNDERWOOD, AS ALWAYS.

Underwood turns his head to see THE ILLUSIONIST rolling out of the ring and LIMPING up towards the FINAL RING. WITH AN EAR TO EAR GRIN, UNDERWOOD SAUNTERS OVER TO THE GRENADE LAUNCHER MOUNTED ON ONE OF THE RING POSTS AND TAKES AIM.

-----

On the other side of MURDER CRAG, Kenjiro and Callaghan are BRAWLING up the HILL as CRYSTALS are FIRED INTO the AIR and RAZOR-SHARP SNOW FLAKES rain down UPON THEM, giving them painful paper cuts.

“Kenjiro, I know the truth about you! You aren’t who you claim to be!” Callaghan says, NAILING A DDT that DRIVES Kenjiro into the HILLSIDE.

“Tseh, what the hell are you screaming about now, you fuckin’ mutt!” Kenjiro retaliates, slamming a MUAY THAI KNEE into his DOG NOSE. Jake hits the ground and immediately SNAPS FORWARD like A BULLET, tucking himself into a BALL and SLAMMING INTO KENJIRO’S GUT. With blood trailing from his lips, KENJIRO flies up the HILL and through the ROPES of the SECOND RING on their side of the HILL. Kenjiro’s eyes open to see CALLAGHAN DROPPING THE BIG LEG DROP ON HIS CHEST.

J.R.: Another excellent maneuver from Jake Callaghan!

W.W.: So what if the dog can fucking wrestle? MY DICK CAN WRESTLE BETTER THAN HE CAN. HERE, WATCH MY DICK WRESTLE MY BALLS, JIM. It’ll be more entertaining than watching these queers!

J.R.: Wait a minute, Warrior, do you see that? There’s something odd about those ropes!

Kenjiro somersaults backwards and hits the ropes. As he attempts to collect himself, the ROPES REACH DOWN AND TAKE A BITE INTO KENJIRO’S SHOULDER.

“GRK!” KENJIRO GROANS.

J.R.: WHAT THE HELL … THOSE ROPES … THEY’RE MADE OUT OF-

W.W.: MOTHERFUCKING ZOMBIES!

SURE ENOUGH, KENJIRO TURNS AROUND to see a bunch of ZOMBIES STRETCHED THIN and STITCHED TOGETHER, MOANING FOR BRAINS.

J.R.: How can you even … make zombie ropes?

W.W.: Baron Hoity von Toity is FUCKING RICH, JIM. HE CAN DO GODDAMNED ANYTHING.

As Kenjiro lies on the mat, JAKE CALLAGHAN BOUNDS FORWARD, AIMING ANOTHER FLYING HEADBUTT STRAIGHT FOR KENJIRO. Kenjiro USES HIS VACUUM POWER to PULL HIMSELF OUT OF THE WAY and TOWARDS A RING POST. JAKE CALLAGHAN SLAMS INTO THE ZOMBIE ROPES AND GETS ENTANGLED.

J.R.: OH NO, HE’S GOING TO BE EATEN ALIVE!

CALLAGHAN SHUTS HIS EYES TIGHT IN FEAR BUT … NOTHING HAPPENS. He looks around and sees that the ZOMBIE ROPES aren’t interested in him!

J.R.: Wait a minute, that’s right! JAKE CALLAGHAN IS A DOG! Zombies eat humans, not DOGS!

CALLAGHAN frees himself from the ZOMBIE ROPES, BOUNCES OFF OF THEM, and BEGINS FLYING TOWARDS KENJIRO.

“I KNOW YOUR SECRET KENJIROOO!” CALLAGHAN SHOUTS as KENJIRO DODGES to the SIDE. Jake Callaghan HITS the SUPRISINGLY ELASTIC ZOMBIE ROPES and BOUNDS BACK. “YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO REPRESENT THE STRENGTH AND PRIDE OF JAPAN!”

FWOOOSH! Kenjiro flips backwards and accidentally stumbles into the ropes. As a ZOMBIE MOUTH reaches for him, he BACKHANDS its TEETH down its throat. He turns to SEE the DOG TORPEDO FLYING BACK TOWARDS HIM.

J.R.: This is a very unorthodox fighting technique, I have to say, but Kenjiro is certainly being pressured! I don’t think he can keep dodging for long!

“BUT YOU’RE NO WARRIOR OF JAPAN, KENJIRO!” CALLAGHAN SHOUTS.

J.R.: Wait, what’s he talking about.

CALLAGHAN FLIES TOWARDS KENJIRO AND THEN HITS THE MAT. KENJIRO WATCHES AS CALLAGHAN SLIDES BETWEEN HIS LEGS AND RIPS OFF HIS PANTS.

“YOU’RE ONLY HALF-JAPANESE, KENJIRO! BEHOLD!” CALLAGHAN SAYS. AND SURE ENOUGH, KENJIRO HAS A SIX INCH MEMBER. THERE’S NO WAY IN HELL HE COULD BE FULL JAPANESE!

J.R.: BAH GAWD! BAH GAWD! LOOK AT HIS DICK, HE AIN’T NO FULL-BLOODED JAPANESE!

W.W.: You know, I’m starting to think Kenjiro isn’t so horrible. He’s more like … only slightly detestable.

But Kenjiro isn’t fazed by this [url=go_ahead_and_stop_the_music]accusation[/url]. He just stands there, shadows over his eyes.

“I may not be fully Japanese, but I didn’t come here to represent the strength of Japan or anything like that …” Kenjiro mutters. “I just came here to make up for a past weakness … a weakness that let a friend of mine get killed.”

Callaghan watches on as Kenjiro continues his dramatic speech, his dick and balls hanging out for everyone to see.

“I came here to repent! To destroy evil and to bring justice to those who so desperately need it!” Kenjiro says, PULLING UP HIS PANTS AND BUCKLING HIS BELT USING VACUUMS. “AND THAT’S WHY I CAN’T LOSE HERE!!”

Jake Callaghan would shed a tear, but dogs can’t cry, I think.

“You can’t decide what’s good and evil, Kenjiro, that’s for the courts …” Callaghan says, “AND THAT’S WHY I CAN’T LET YOU WIN!”

ZOOOM! CALLAGHAN DASHES FORWARD WITH ANOTHER CANINE CRUSHA but KENJIRO GRABS HIM BY HIS DOG EARS and HURLS HIM INTO THE ROPES ONCE MORE. Callaghan gets tangled up, but like last time, the zombies don’t harm him.

W.W.: WHAT’S THAT IDIOT DOING? WE JUST WENT OVER THIS: ZOMBIES DON’T EAT DOGS!

BUT KENJIRO TAKES A VACUUM-FILLED PALM AND SLAMS IT INTO HIS SHOULDER WOUND. FROM THAT, HE EXTRACTS A BALL OF BLOOD, WHICH HE TOSSES RIGHT INTO CALLAGHAN’S FACE. AND AS EXPECTED, THE ZOMBIES BEGIN MUNCHING ON THE CANINE.

“GAAAH!” CALLAGHAN SCREAMS. HE BEGINS FURIOUSLY GNAWING ONTO THE ROPES, DESPERATELY TRYING TO FLEE, AS KENJIRO CHARGES FORWARD. SNAP! CALLAGHAN BREAKS FREE and KENJIRO SHOOTS HIS PALMS FORWARD.

J.R.: WAIT … WHAT THE?!

THE ZOMBIE ROPES THAT WERE JUST BROKEN FLY INTO KENJIRO’S HEADS VIA VACUUM. KANZAKI KENJIRO THEN BEGINS FUCKING SPINNING, WHIPPING JAKE CALLAGHAN REPEATEDLY WITH ZOMBIE WHIPS!

CHOMP! EACH TIME THE ZOMBIE WHIP STRIKES THE DETECTIVE DOG, IT TAKES A BITE (OUT OF CRIME(fighting dog)). Callaghan MANAGES to TUCK the ZOMBIE ROPES UNDER HIS ARM and STOP THEIR MOVEMENT, but KENJIRO IMMEDIATELY RUSHES FORWARD, SLIDES ALONG THE GROUND, AND NAILS A VIOLENT SHARP KICK JUST UNDER THE DOG’S JAW.

J.R.: 360 DEGREES!

JAKE CALLAGHAN SOARS TOWARDS THE FINAL RING, AND KENJIRO MAKES CHASE.

-----

BOOOOM! BOOOM! BOOM! THE ILLUSIONIST SCREAMS IN TERROR AS HARRY UNDERWOOD is FIRING THE GRENADE LAUNCHER AT HIM, CACKLING, WHILE DRAGGING THE WHOLE THING UP THE HILL, ATTACHED RING POST AND ALL.

KABOOM! KABOOM! Underwood FIRES each grenade by SLAMMING HIS CROTCH into the BUTT OF THE GUN.

“I’M GONNA DIEEEEE!” the ILLUSIONIST SQUEALS.

That’s not the attitude of a CHAMPION, VIC! the DILETTANTE’S FUCKING SKULL says.

“Ch-Champion?” the ILLUSIONIST says.

“I’M COOKIN’ WITH GAS!” UNDERWOOD HOWLS, FIRING A GRENADE that ROLLS right beside the ILLUSIONIST. In a moment of PANIC, he slams his TOP HAT over top of the GRENADE in desperation. However, nothing happens to it and the EXPLOSION just FIRES THROUGH THE TOP of the HAT and SCORCHES VIC’S FACE.

“EEEEEEK!” ILLUSIONIST SAYS as his MUSTACHE blows away in the wind. THE ILLUSIONIST continues rushing up the hill as EXPLOSIONS CHASE HIM. THE FINAL RING IS IN SIGHT!

-----

CALLAGHAN CRASHES into the DIRT AND METAL as KENJIRO DASHES AFTER HIM. Callaghan looks up to see the FINAL RING only a FEW YARDS FROM HIM. Turning around, Kenjiro is only a few feet behind him.

J.R.: ALL FOUR COMPETITORS ARE NEARING THE FINAL RING! THE LAST TWO IN WILL BE DISQUALIFIED!

-----

SHOOONG! AS ILLUSIONIST AND CALLAGHAN CHARGE TOWARDS THE RING, A METAL CAGE WALL BURSTS FROM THE GROUND AND FLIES UP. BOTH KENJIRO AND UNDERWOOD LEAP OVER THE CAGE WALL, JUST MISSING THE RAZOR-SHARP TIP.

W.W.: THE FINAL RING IS LOCKING UP!

SHOOONG! ANOTHER WALL RISES UP AS THE FOUR COMPETITORS BOUND OVER IT. THEY ARE ONLY A FEW FEET FROM THE RING.

“DIE YOU COCKSUCKER!” UNDERWOOD SHOUTS AS ILLUSIONIST BOUNDS INTO THE RING. THE FINAL CAGE WALL RISES UP FROM THE DIRT AS UNDERWOOD PRESSES THE TRIGGER. THE GRENADE HITS THE WALL AND EXPLODES INTO UNDERWOOD’S FUCKING FACE.

W.W.: HOLY SHIT!!

“GAAAAAH!” UNDERWOOD SAYS AS THE SHRAPNEL FROM THE GRENADE RIPS HIS FUCKING FACE OFF.

KENJIRO AND CALLAGHAN ARE NECK AND NECK AS THE FINAL CAGE WALL RISES UP TO CLOSE OFF THE RING. AS THE RAZOR-SHARP BLADE TIP COMES BARRELING TOWARDS THEM, KENJIRO OPENS HIS PALM. CREATING A VACUUM, HE SUCKS HIMSELF FORWARD.

“S-SHIT … !” JAKE CALLAGHAN MUTTERS.

J.R.: BAH GAAAAAWD!! BAH GAAAAAWD!!

THE CAGE WALL CUTS JAKE CALLAGHAN IN MOTHERFUCKING HALF, SPRAYING HIS DOGGY GUTS ALL OVER THE RING!

W.W.: HOLY VOLCANO CUNT, THAT DOG IS GODDAMNED DEAD!

J.R.: J-JAAAAKE! NOOOOOO!

The ILLUSIONIST and KENJIRO lie face down on the mat as Jake Callaghan’s blood rains down on him.

J.R.: I-I can’t believe it … I can’t-

W.W.: GET A FUCKING HOLD OF YOURSELF, JIM. YOU HAVE A MATCH TO COMMENTATE. YOU CAN’T BE BLUBBERING BECAUSE YOUR FAVORITE WRESTLER LOST.

J.R.: B-But he’s dead, WARRIOR. DEAD.

W.W.: BOO-FUCKING-HOO. WE GOT A JOB TO DO and … WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A GODDAMNED MINUTE, WHY THE FUCK IS HARRY UNDERWOOD NOT IN THE FUCKING RING?

J.R.: He didn’t make it, Warrior. The final two are Kanzaki Kenjiro and the ILLUSIONIST.

W.W.: NOOOOOOOOO!

Reginald Lightning swings by on a vine.

Lightning: Ladies and gentleman, WELCOME TO THE MAIN EVENT! Kanzaki Kenjiro will face the ILLUSIONIST in a match set for ONE FALL.

Kenjiro weakly climbs to his feet and looks at the unconscious ILLUSIONIST lying in a bloody pile opposite of the ring. As he marches forward, ready to pin him and end this, he begins scraping the dog entrails from his white uniform. However, he notices something odd. He plucks a bit of bloodied dog fur from his collar and examines it.

“Wait a minute … this is … !” Kenjiro GASPS as a GLOVED WHITE HAND BURSTS THROUGH HIS SHOULDER. Blood EJACULATES from the WOUND as KENJIRO GROWS PALE. From behind, SNICKERING CAN BE HEARD.

“Heh heh …” the ILLUSIONIST CHUCKLES, covered in intestines and DOG FUR, the SKULL of a DOG RESTING ON HIS HEAD. “It looks like you’ve seen through my ILLUSION but not quickly enough, I’m afraid! Unfortunately, the closest animal I could obtain to a Rhodesian Ridgeback on such short notice was a Bloodhound.”

The ILLUSIONIST yanks out his hand and KENJIRO collapses on the mat.

J.R.: I haven’t seen such aggression from the ILLUSIONIST in … well … ever!

“Geh heh heh,” Illusionist says as he HOLDS up the DILETTANTE’S FUCKING SKULL. “How shall we finish him off?”

A hero never kills his opponent if he can avoid it, Vic, the DILETTANTE’S FUCKING SKULL says inside the ILLUSIONIST’S BRAIN. Except Kenshiro, and he only killed goons. Kenjiro isn’t a goon!

“Oh, shut the hell up!” the ILLUSIONIST says, spiking the SKULL off the mat. “If I follow your silly guidelines, I’m going to GET MURDERED.”

The ILLUSIONIST fishes into his pocket, searching for a weapon while his eye twitches erratically, his broken arm hanging limply at his side.

”This time VIC is the one going to be doing the killing, geh heh!” Illusionist says, trembling. And with that, he brandishes a fistful of daggers. Kenjiro attempts to back away from the ILLUSIONIST but he can barely move from his all his injuries.

J.R.: I think the ILLUSIONIST has gone insane!

W.W.: Everyone in the FTUW is fucking insane, Jim.

“No more broken bones or cuts or bruises! I’M GONNA WIN! YAAAAAA!” ILLUSIONIST SHOUTS, HURLING HIS DAGGERS. THWUNK TWHUNK TWHUNK! THE BLADES JAM INTO KENJIRO’S CHEST, HIS EYES ROLL IN THE BACK OF HIS HEAD, AND HE COLLAPSES ONTO THE MAT.

“NOT GONNA DIE! NOT GONNA DIE! NOT GONNA- GUH?!” THE ILLUSIONIST GROANS IN SURPRISE AS HE IS SUDDENLY FUCKING FLUNG INTO THE GODDAMNED AIR!

J.R.: RAISE THE WOOOF! RAISE THE WOOOF! CALLAGHAN IS IN THE RING! HE’S STILL IN THIS!

W.W.: WHAT THE FUCK!

“EEEEEK!” the ILLUSIONIST SCREAMS as CALLAGHAN, DRESSED AS THE ILLUSIONIST, TOSSES HIM TWENTY FEET INTO THE DAMN AIR. “Oh, I forgot I only switched places with Callaghan!”

J.R.: FOLKS, with all three men in the ring, this is a TRIPLE THREAT for the TITLE!

The ILLUSIONIST drops onto JAKE CALLAGHAN’S FUCKING SHOULDERS and he IMMEDIATELY HITS HIM WITH THE TORTURE RACK.

J.R.: TORTURE RACK! THIS MAY BE IT!

THE ILLUSIONIST SCREAMS IN AGONY as JAKE CALLAGHAN SLOWLY RIPS HIM IN HALF. HIS SIDE RIPS OPEN AND CONFETTI, DOVES, RABBITS, AND PLAYING CARDS SPILL OUT OF HIS BODY. CALLAGHAN, SURPRISED, DROPS THE TWO HALVES ONTO THE MAT.

“Tch, what a fucking pain,” Kenjiro mutters, standing up with three daggers jutting out of his chest. Ripping open his shirt, he REVEALS that VACUUMS SOMEHOW prevented the tips of the blades to HIT HIS CHEST. Yes!

“DILETTANTE … HIC …” the ILLUSIONIST sobs as he reaches for the skull, his lower half on the other side of the ring. “T-That was a bad plan! I-I’m ready to listen to your ideas now!”

J.R.: ALL THREE ARE ALIVE AND, UH, WELL THEY’RE ALIVE. THIS IS IT! WE’LL BE DECLARING A CHAMPION SOON!

BOOOM! KENJIRO ROCKS CALLAGHAN WITH A CORKSCREW RIGHT. WHAM! CALLAGHAN COUNTERS WITH A CLOTHESLINE that SENDS KENJIRO to the MAT.

“VOID PALM!” KENJIRO SAYS, SLAMMING A HAND INTO CALLAGHAN’S UNDERCARRIAGE. BOOOOM! A VACUUM EXPLODES 300 SQUARE POUNDS OF PRESSURE INTO CALLAGHAN’S GUT, SLAMMING HIM AGAINST THE CAGE.

”Now’s my chance!” Kenjiro thinks. SLIDING FORWARD, KENJIRO PULLS BACK HIS FISTS AND UNLEASHES A TORRENT OF SUPER FUCKING FAST PUNCHES.

J.R.: ETERNAL LOOP!

“ORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORA!!” KENJIRO SHOUTS, ROCKING JAKE CALLAGHAN WITH MACHINE GUN-LIKE FISTS. THE STEEL CAGE BENDS AROUND CALLAGHAN AS HE’S PULVERIZED.

J.R.: AND HE KEEPS GOING!

“ATATATATATATATATATATATATATA!!” KENJIRO SCREAMS, NOW HITTING HIM WITH LIGHTNING KICKS. CALLAGHAN IS COMPLETELY HELPLESS!

And once finished, CALLAGHAN falls onto the mat and Kenjiro goes for the COVER.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONE!!





TWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!





THREEEEEE-NO! THE ILLUSIONIST BREAKS UP THE COUNT BY KICKING KENJIRO. But wait, IT’S NOT ALL OF KENJIRO, it’s just his LEGS!

W.W.: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS STUPID SHIT?

Kenjiro LOOKS UP IN SHOCK and GETS KICKED SQUARE IN THE GODDAMNED BALLS. THE ILLUSIONIST’S LEGS BEGIN TAP DANCING IN CELEBRATION.

“Tell me what to do, DILETTANTE! I’m going to die if I don’t get sewn back together soon!” the ILLUSIONIST SAYS, TEARS STREAMING DOWN HIS CHEEKS.

JUST WAIT. IT ISN’T TIME YET.

Kenjiro crawls to his feet and STARES DOWN the DANCING LEGS. INSTANTLY, they BOTH SPRING FORWARD and EXECUTE DRAGON KICKS SIMULTANEOUSLY BEFORE PASSING EACH OTHER and LANDING SAFELY ON THE GROUND. A FEW SECONDS PAST AND KENJIRO’S CHEST BURSTS OPEN.

W.W.: Man, the ILLUSIONIST’S LEGS are KICKING more ASS than he EVER DID.

The ILLUSIONIST’S LOWER HALF begins STOMPING THE SHIT OUT of KENJIRO. That is, BEFORE CALLAGHAN LEAPS ON HIM AND PUTS HIS LOWER HALF IN THE BOSTON CRAB!

“HURRY! TELL ME!” the ILLUSIONIST SHOUTS.

HERE IT IS! THE PLAN! Mumble mumble mumble … the Dilettante WHISPERS.

“B-BUT THAT’S TOO DANGEROUS! WE’LL ALL DIE!” the ILLUSIONIST CRIES.

DOOOOO IT!!

“Stop saving me, you bastard!” Kenjiro curses as he struggles to stand.

“I’LL BRING YOU IN ALIVE IF IT’S THE LAST THING I DO!” CALLAGHAN SAYS as ILLUSIONIST’S LEGS SQUIRM IN AGONY.

“ABRA … CADABRA!” THE ILLUSIONIST SHOUTS. INSTANTLY, THE RING IS DRENCHED IN THICK, PURPLE SMOKE.

W.W.: WHAT IS THIS GAY FAGGOT SHIT?!

J.R.: THE SMOKE … THAT MUST BE THE ILLUSIONIST’S DOING … BUT WHAT DID HE DO?!

The three fighters watch on as the PURPLE SMOKE FADES. Standing in the middle of the ring, clad in GOLDEN FUR, is HARRY UNDERWOOD IN FULL BEAR FORM.

W.W.: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!

J.R.: HARRY’S BACK AND HE LOOKS FUCKING PISSED!

“Things are getting interesting,” Kenjiro says, smoking a cigarette.

“They sure are,” Callaghan says.

“AWOOOOOOOO!” UNDERWOOD SCREAMS AS HE CHARGES TOWARDS KENJIRO AND CALLAGHAN. HE GOES FOR THE DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE but the TWO FIGHTERS DUCK IT AND HIT THE ROPES. REBOUNDING OFF THEM, THEY LEAP INTO THE AIR AND NAIL THE DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE! THE OTHER ONE, THE ONE WHERE TWO GUYS JOIN ARMS INSTEAD OF ONE GUY HITTING TWO GUYS WITH TWO ARMS!

J.R.: THEY’RE TEAMING UP!

KENJIRO IS UPPERCUTTED OFF HIS FEET with ONE OF UNDERWOOD’S MAMMOTH ARMS. CALLAGHAN ATTEMPTS TO BULLDOG UNDERWOOD TO THE GROUND BUT UNDERWOOD TURNS IT INTO A VICIOUS ATOMIC DROP.

“We gotta think up a plan …” Callaghan weakly mutters.

“I got it. Just follow my lead!” KENJIRO SAYS AS HE SPRINTS FORWARD.

J.R.: KENJIRO IS ATTACKING HEAD ON! DOES HE HAVE A DEATH WISH?!

W.W.: LET’S HOPE SO!

FWOOOSH! A TITANTIC BEAR PAW SWINGS OVER KENJIRO’S HEAD AND HE WEAVES IN TOWARDS UNDERWOOD. BOOOM! UNDERWOOD’S ARM BURIES ITSELF INTO THE MAT AS KENJIRO SLIDES IN. KENJIRO BRINGS HIS FIST DOWN AND CHARGES UP HIS FINISHING TECHNIQUE!

J.R.: THE ROLLING GO!!

BOOOOOOOM! USING THE POWER OF *VACUUMS*, UNDERWOOD’S JAW IS JERKED DOWN RIGHT INTO KENJIRO’S RISING FIST! THE TWO COLLIDE, SPRAYING BLOOD INTO THE AIR!

“G-GOOOO!” KENJIRO SHOUTS, FALLING WEAKLY ON ALL FOUR AS UNDERWOOD STAGGERS AROUND.

“YEAAAAAAH!” CALLAGHAN SHOUTS, LEAPFROGGING OVER KENJIRO AND USING HIS POWERFUL NECK MUSCLES TO WHIP HIS HEAD INTO UNDERWOOD’S BUSTED JAW. THIS CAUSES UNDERWOOD TO SPIN INTO THE FUCKING AIR!

J.R.: AND NOW RAISE THE WOOF!!

W.W.: NO. NO!

KENJIRO SPRINGS OFF CALLAGHAN”S BACK AND CHASES UNDERWOOD INTO THE FUCKING AIR. FLIPPING REPEATEDLY, HE BUILDS UP POWER IN HIS FOOT AND NAILS AN UNBELIEVABLY VICIOUS AXE KICK ON UNDERWOOD’S FUCKING HEAD! HE IS FIRED LIKE A ROCKET BACK TO THE MAT!

J.R.: 360 DEGREES!

W.W.: NO NO NO NO NO!!

“THIS IS IT!!” CALLAGHAN SCREAMS, POSITIONING HIMSELF DIRECTLY UNDER HARRY UNDERWOOD.

BOOOOOOOM!! CALLAGHAN LOCKS IN THE TORTURE RACK!!

J.R.: AND THE TORTURE RACK!! BAH GAWD, WHAT AN UNBELIEVABLE COMBO!

“KCK … KCKKKK!” CALLAGHAN STRAINS as KENJIRO DESCENDS TO THE MAT. UNDERWOOD’S RETARDED FUCKING SIZE IS TAKING ITS TOLL ON JAKE’S SIMPLE 96 POUND FRAME! “I can’t hold this, KENJIROOOOO … !”

AND THAT’S WHEN KENJIRO GRABS ONE OF UNDERWOOD’S LEGS AND WRAPS AN ARM AROUND HIS NECK.

J.R.: IT CAN’T BE! THE DOUBLE TORTURE RACK!!

KRAAAAACK! UNDERWOOD’S BONES SNAP AND KENJIRO AND CALLAGHAN TOSS HIM TO THE MAT. Weakly, the two look at each other and GIVE THE THUMBS UP before FALLING TO THE MAT IN SLOW-MOTION. INCIDENTALLY, JAKE CALLAGHAN FALLS ON *TOP* OF KANZAKI KENJIRO.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONE!!





TWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!





THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!

J.R.: JAKE CALLAGHAN DID IT! HE’S THE NEW CHAMP! HE’S THE- WAIT!!

A REFEREE FLIES DOWN ON A JET PACK. HE’S SIGNALING THAT A PIN WASN’T MADE.

W.W.: THANK GOD.

J.R.: Why didn’t it COUNT? WHAT’S GOING ON- WAIT A MINUTE! LOOK!

ONE OF KENJIRO’S SHOULDERS ARE UP. AND IT’S UP BECAUSE IT’S ATTACHED TO A STRING. AND ATTACHED TO A STRING IS SEVERAL DOVES, FLYING DESPERATELY ABOVE THE RING.

J.R.: THE ILLUSIONIST!

STILL SEVERED IN HALF AND FOAMING AT THE MOUTH, THE ILLUSIONIST DRAGS HIMSELF TOWARDS KENJIRO SO THAT HE CAN MAKE THE PIN.

”I … GOTTA WIN … GOTTA WIN …” THE ILLUSIONIST SWEATS PROFUSELY. “I MUST … BE THE CHAMP!!”

J.R.: HE’S GOING FOR IT!

W.W.: NO NO NO NO NO!!

J.R.: WHY DO YOU CARE?! THE ONLY THREE COMPETING ARE GUYS YOU HATE!

W.W.: I’M HOPING THEY ALL DIE AND IT’S RULED A NO CONTEST! THERE’S STILL A FUCKING CHANCE, JIM!

THE ILLUSIONIST’S UPPER HALF PUSHES CALLAGHAN OUT OF THE WAY, SNAPS THE STRING HOLDING UP KENJIRO’S SHOULDER, AND GOES FOR THE COVER.

J.R.: THIS COULD BE IT!

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONE!







TWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!







THR-KICKOUT! KICKOUT! KENJIRO KICKS OUT!

“N-NOOOO!” THE ILLUSIONIST WHIMPERS.

“Like I’d be pinned by you,” Kenjiro says, pushing himself up. In the background, Callaghan starts to move.

J.R.: WHO’S GOING TO TAKE THE TITLE?!

THE ILLUSIONIST’S LEGS SCAMPER OVER and HANDKERCHIEFS begin ATTACHING THE TWO HALVES OF HIS BODY TOGETHER. Callaghan uses the CAGE WALL to help himself up as Kenjiro stumbles to his feet.

“I’ll kill you twoooooo …” the ILLUSIONIST foams, clawing at his own face.

“This is it …” Callaghan says faintly.

“LET’S ROCK!” KENJIRO SHOUTS.

J.R.: THERE THEY GO!

W.W.: DIE! ALL OF YOU!!

THEY ALL STEP FORWARD, HURLING THEIR FISTS TO EXECUTE ONE LAST PUNCH WITH THEIR REMAINING POWER.

J.R.: THIS IS IT, FOLKS!!

BOOOOOM! THEY FORM A TRIANGLE BY PUNCHING EACH OTHER IN THE FUCKING FACE. SMOKE HANGS IN THE AIR AS THEY ARE FROZEN IN MID-VIOLENCE.

THE ILLUSIONIST’S HAT SAILS OFF HIS HEAD AND HITS THE MAT, AND THE ILLUSIONIST SHORTLY FOLLOWS.

J.R.: THE ILLUSIONIST FALLS FIRST!

CALLAGHAN AND KENJIRO’S KNEES TREMBLE AS THEY STAND UNCONSCIOUS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RING (fuck you Peter). HOWEVER, ONCE THE ILLUSIONIST LANDS ON HIS TOP HAT, A SPRING FIRES FROM THE HOLE AND SENDS HIM FLYING INTO REMAINING FIGHTERS! HE NAILS A POWERFUL CLOTHESLINE ON BOTH AND PINS THEM!

OOOOOOOOOOOOONE!



TWOOOOOOOOOOOOO!



THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! THE ILLUSIONIST WINS! THE ILLUSIONIST IS THE FTUW CHAMP!

W.W.: KGNHAKKAGHBHGS!!

J.R.: WE HAVE A NEW CHAMP! THE ILLUSIONIST IS THE FTUW CHAMPION!!
Vinny
[00:10] How can you get an erect dick into your own ass?
Joined: 16 Jan 2007
Posts: 5181
(Tue Jun 26, 2007 11:29 pm)
Reply

Post     Re: FTUW's MURDERGEDDON RESSURRECTION

In a very mysterious meeting room in the most mysterious part of the world sits five individuals, draped in shadows, at a large glass table designed to resemble an infinity sign. Although there is seven seats at this table, there is only five people in the room.

"It's been awhile since we last got together, yeah ..." one of the shadowy figures says.

"And we're missing a few of us, aren't we?" another says.

At the head of the table sits a man in a white suit, his hands cradled in front of him.

"Caligula Lightning ... had to be disposed of," the man at the head of the table utters. "He had to be disposed of. And, as you know, Richard McBeef outlived his usefulness as well. So now, this council of seven is only five."

A mechanical hand slams onto the table. Stepping into the LIGHT is none other than NGUYEN.

"Tch, I didn't know you guys would backstab each other so easily ..." Nguyen sneers. Circuitry can be faintly seen under his flesh, and his overall appearance is similar to Seung-Hui Cho, but with cybernetic enhancements.

"He was reckless," Archibald Orwellington, the Secret Prime Minister of the United Kingdom says, leaning into the light. He is simply a man in his sixties, easily the most normal looking member in this council. "It was my fault, actually. I recruited him, so I took it upon myself to fix that error."

One of the black figures responds by shooting a jet of smoke into the air, accompanied by a soft, mechanical whir.

"So why are we all here?" says Droz. His body has been restored with advanced cybernetics after the two soul-obliterating thrashings he recieved at the hands of D'Lo. His mohawk is now neon red, matching the numerous tattoos on his body that glow unnaturally.

"The FTUW has been reborn, as expected," the figure at the head of the table says.

"Heh heh, then just send me out there. I'll kill the whole fucking lot of them," Nguyen bares his teeth.

"It's not so simple," the figure says as he rises up from his seat. "The FTUW as a federation can be crushed. But as an idea, that's difficult. Erasing 'wrestling' from the minds of people once was nearly a miracle, and that plan has already failed."

"So then, what do you suggest?" Archibald asks.

The man steps into the light, revealing his bandage-wrapped head bearing the infinity symbol.

"For now ... just make our presence known," utters Theldorrin.

Droz bolts up from the table and grabs Theldorrin by his collar.

"WHO GIVES A FUCK ABOUT THE FTUW, THELDORRIN!" Droz shouts. Immediately, Archibald bursts from his seat and aims a gun at his head, despite knowing that won't be enough to take him down. "WHEN AM I GOING TO GET MY REVENGE?!" Droz says, SCREAMING in Theldorrin's face.

"Now now, Droz. You know that it's my revenge, too, right?" Theldorrin says, putting a hand on Droz's shoulder. Instantly, Droz begins to feel weak, and he slumps down in his seat.

"We aren't strong enough to take on him," Theldorrin says, "But until that time, we must make sure there isn't any hiccups, like the FTUW, while we continue to grow."

"Then what do you suggest, then?" Droz asks.

"Firstly, I'd like to introduce our newest member," Theldorrin clasps his hands together. "I think he'll be very beneficial towards our goal."

A door opens within the darkness, bathing the assembled council in blinding white light. Stepping through his a black silhouette of an extremely muscular man. As the door closes, one can begin to make out his facial features, one of which is a eyebrow raised prominently above the other.

"I give you ... The Rock."
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