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FTUW KING SHIT OF FUCK MOUNTAIN (#5)

 
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Ryoko's Biatch
Joined: 04 Jan 2007
Posts: 9255
(Sat Jan 20, 2007 5:46 pm)
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Post     FTUW KING SHIT OF FUCK MOUNTAIN (#5)

Two barbarian warriors are clashing their swords. Blood is spilt on the dry, rocky ground below them. The skies are a black, offset by the ominous, swirling clouds. One of the warriors jams his blade deep into his foe’s gut, squirting blood and partially digested food into the air. A sickening “thwuck” can be heard as the warrior removes his blade from the barbarian’s abdomen, fresh viscera clinging to the blade. The victor raises his blood-drenched weapon to the sky. In response, lightning strikes the blade, imbueing it with an otherworldly glow. The defeated combatant raises his head, ready to accept his fate. The electric blade separates his head from his neck. The head tumbles down the hillside, the camera panning out, showing a monstrous silhouette of a mountain, shaped in the form of the ever-eternal symbol of manhood. Lightning strikes again, forming the words “KING SHIT OF FUCK MOUNTAIN” on the screen. Rock music starts rocking out hard and the camera switches to Tony Schiavone’s head and Jim Ross are in a makeshift booth on a tropical island. Complicated machinery and television monitors surround them.

Jim Ross: Welcome and a Happy New Years, FTUW fans! We are at the sunny island of FUCK MOUNTAIN today ready for what’s shaping up to be the biggest event in FTUW yet!

Schiavone: Not just FTUW, J.R.! This year, and it’s just started!

Jim Ross: However, this tropical paradise has a sinister intent. Our FTUW superstars will have to traverse this island through the deadly Forest of Grisly Rape. The eight that make it out will go onto FUCK MOUNTAIN!

Schiavone: That’s not all! There they will be placed in a tournament with their matches taking place on different parts of the mountain itself. What dangerous things lie there we don’t know yet! But we’re gonna find out!

Jim Ross: And if that weren’t enough folks, the FTUW title is up for grabs. Last PPV Handsomus lost the title to Arschloch when Theldorrin re-emerged in his new form and struck the champion with a hellacious axe-handle from 50 feet! Thankfully our Commissioner James Brock McHarris stripped Arschloch of the title and put it up as the ultimate prize! Whoever becomes King Shit tonight will be the next FTUW champion!

Schiavone: I can’t wait, J.R.!

The camera switches to a small clearing. FTUW cameramen surround the area. Some of the superstars are gathered around a small platform with a large television set on it. We can Ken Tsunami, Apathetic Arschloch, Puff Ryder, Nockov, and others.

Jim Ross: That’s our newest superstar, Nockov! He’s the brother to Petrov, Fuckov, and whatever the other one is called. He’s come to FTUW solely to seek revenge on Ryakku Saketumi.

Schavione: Speak of the devil!

Saketumi and his gang, the Nagasaki Hellriders, stroll into view, hands in their pockets, mouths puckered, some of their lips wielding bent cigarettes or toothpicks. Their forced apathy rivals even Arschloch’s demeanor. Nockov’s handlebar mustache QUIVERS with anger as he sees Saketumi approach the stage.

A lavishly adorned jet, bejeweled with precious stones and covered in the most precious of metals lands on a hastily constructed runway on the beach. Toity dramatically bursts out of the plane, spinning his cane, his robes flowing. He’s followed by the Trillionaire’s Club. Even through his diamond monacle an intense, burning gaze pierces Saketumi. The glare is returned.

“Oy oy …” Kuzuki begins to mutter but is quickly stopped by a slight glance from Saketumi. The civility that both Toity and Saketumi are maintaining is an obvious strain on both athletes.

Schiavone: I hope that those two face off in the tournament!

Jim Ross: Well, its completely obvious that they will.

The squeal of a guitar directs everyone’s attention to the sky. Like a comet, Handsomus drops down to the sand, still smoking from re-entry. He lifts his head to gaze at his competitors, his hated enemy Theldorrin XIV still not in sight. He begins to brush his leather armor off until he feels a tap on his shoulder.

“I’m lookin’ forward to fightinnglrrhs you, space man …” utters Jack “Jim Beam” Daniels through a bourbon soaked breath, “I’ve waited a long while to face off with you …” he says before downing a bottle of whiskey.

Handsomus replies with a stone gaze. He smirks slightly, amused at the sight of a challenge. Saketumi chuckles softly, cracking his knuckles.

“After I take-u care of … ahh … busunissoh … I take you both on,” Saketumi clenches his fist while the Nagasaki Hellriders posture appropriately.

“That’s an awful lot of confidence coming from a defeated man,” Toity softly chuckles.

“Kussooooo!!” Kuzuki shouts, swinging his arm in a circular motion. Saketumi places his hand on Kuzuki’s chest, his expression unwavering.

“I haven’t forgotten about you, Toity,” Saketumi speaks in Japanese.

J.R.: Things are heating up!

Schiavone: Where’s the rest of the superstars?!

Admist all the intensity, no one has noticed that the Meghan Marie, Jonesie the Merciless’ pirate ship, has docked and he and his crew have made their way on the island.

“Where be that ghastly apparition of a man carryin’ my treasure?” Jonesie asks, peering over the growing crowd.

As he moves through the mob, he pushes one superstar of diminutive stature aside.

“What the fuck, nigga!” shouts Sella Phayne, wasting no time drawing his 9mm and placing it on Jonesie’s temple.

“Yarg, I’ve had guns pointed at me by scarier fellas than you, boy,” Jonesie cackles.

Before the situation can escalate, Handsomus places his massive arm between the two. This has a dual purpose, however. He his emitting Rawkra passively in an attempt to calm the negro-like rage of the white rapper. Sella Phayne withdraws his weapon.

“Fuckin’ dumbass nigga pirate faggot,” Phayne says under his breath, shoving depressants into his mouth. Jonesie squats on a nearby stone and draws his bottle of rum.

Fancy Lala is squatting on the nearby beach, rolling over in the wet sand, his bulbous frame allowing very little movement. He’s attempting to paw at nearby crabs, trying to snatch them up to devour them as a snack. His hunger creating a crazed look in his eyes. He then shits his pants and squeals.

In the distance, the Cloaked Man is hovering in the sky, watching the proceedings.

“Power …” he mutters, “Once I finish them all off … I will obtain true power.”

Schiavone: Where’s Theldorrin? He’s scheduled to enter, right? Or Bin Destruction? Or that cloaked guy?

J.R.: I don’t like the looks of this.

The large monitor placed on the platform hums as it turns on. The image on the screen is none other than James Brock McHarris, beaming a wild smile.

“Welcome, my warriors, to the island of Fuck Mountain!” spouts McHarris in his manly rasp, “I don’t like to wait so let’s get this show started! Each of you have a card with a number on it. This responds to a gate surrounding the Forest of Grisly Rape. You will go to that gate and wait until the first event begins.”

A video appears on the screen showing the forest that surround Fuck Mountain.

“Those cards carry a micro-chip. They respond to a mineral found in the soil of that forest and only the forest on this island. Once that card is within inches of the ground, it will begin to beep slowly. Within twenty seconds if that card is not taken out of range, you will lose. So basically, if you’re knocked out or worse, or just lose your card, you’ll be eliminated. The final eight participants will be allowed through the gates. If those sore losers try to get through they will be shot on sight,” McHarris smiles.

Some of the superstars in the crowd look TENSE.

“I know this doesn’t threaten some of the more supernatural participants,” McHarris says, “so I’m more than willing to blow up this entire goddamned island with a nuke if things get out of hand!”

Schiavone: Holy fuck, Jim Ross!

J.R.: What a surprising and quickly-constructed twist!

“So have at it, guys! Most importantly, have fun!” he says before the screen fades to black.
Ryoko's Biatch
Joined: 04 Jan 2007
Posts: 9255
(Sat Jan 20, 2007 5:47 pm)
Reply

Post     Re: FTUW KING SHIT OF FUCK MOUNTAIN (#5)

*Puff Ryder part written by Triple Life*

Schiavone: Here we go, J.R.! Let’s this hope this goes well.

J.R.: It better or we’re going to be Hiroshima BBQ!

The camera switches between all the contestants standing at their corresponding gates. A loud buzzer goes off and the doors raise. Battle begins in the DEADLY FOREST OF GRISLY RAPE!

Cameras placed throughout the forest follow the competitors as they cautiously enter the new environment. One follows Ken Tsunami, God knows why, who’s recently recovered from having all his bones broken. He passes a tree and pauses, sensing something danger with his KEEN ASIAN SENSES. He takes a step back JUST IN TIME to avoid a BLADE STABBING the bark in front of his face. But it’s just not any blade … it’s a BOX CUTTER.

More are hurled through the area, piercing the trees as Tsunami desperately scrambles away. LIKE SHURIKENS, they spin and MAGICALLY wrap around the trees, altering their PATH in mid-air to find their target. Only the most NIMBLEST of movements allow TSUNAMI to survive. However, a few graze Tsunami, spraying CRIMSON into the air. One drives itself deep into his kneecap, sending him sprawling to the ground.

“Ku ku ku ku ku …” a voice echoes through the forest. Tsunami crawls desperately along the grass, pulling himself from WHAT HELL AWAITS HIM. In front of him is a LINE OF TREES. One figure, clad in a robe, shambles out from one tree and vanishes behind another LIKE SOME MC ESCHER SHIT. Tsunami shouts “WHO ARE YOU?!” in his native tongue but his cries fall on deaf ears.

He hears footsteps behind him. He turns his head to see the figure TOSSING OFF HIS ROBE, revealing himself to be none other than BIN DESTRUCTION (hrr). He’s wielding an absurdly long boxcutter with a BLADE SEVERAL FEET LONG. “Allah Akbar …” he mutters under his breath. The camera pans out to an overhead shot of the forest as we hear Tsunami’s FATAL CRY. A hand reaches down and picks up Tsunami’s card out of a pool of blood. It has long since disqualified in as he had been laying on the ground for like a minute, making his death pointless.

--------------------

The camera switches over to Handsomus, sans Starstruck as the officials would not let him bring his mighty weapon with him. He senses SEVERAL FIGHTING ENERGIES nearby as the battles begin to wage. Suddenly, a fucking RAPTOR dives out of a bush and tackles HANDSOMUS! However, due to his FINELY TUNED REFLEXES, he stops the RAPTOR’S VICIOUS BITE with his hands, PRYING THE THOUGHT-TO-BE EXTINCT BEAST’S JAWS OPEN. With a quick snap, he rips the reptile CLEAN IN HALF. However, the battle isn’t over yet as A PACK OF RAPTORS SURROUND HIM.

“Pft! Too easy!” Handsomus shouts while DOING A HANDSTAND. With a TWIST, he begins spinning LIKE A DRILL, EXECUTING A CAPOIERA-ESQUE KICK that FUCKING TEARS THE RAPTOR HEADS OFF FROM THEIR BODY!

Schiavone: Jesus, J.R.! I thought Handsomus was in trouble for a second but this proves how much of a badass he really is!

Loud crashes emanate through the dense forest as Handsomus stands in a pile of dino parts. He knows what’s coming next because yeah, dur. A MONSTROUS T-REX FOOT CRASHES INTO THE GROUND as HANDSOMUS DEFTLY DODGES OUT OF THE WAY OF IMPENDING DOOM. He gazes up at the TOWERING BEAST, its long line of RAZOR-SHARP TEETH lined with bones and flesh of indeterminate nature. Handsomus TAKES A FIGHTING POSE but is knocked to the ground by a VIOLENT LASHING by the T-Rex’s tail. Handsomus crawls to his feet only to be ENGULFED BY THE DINOSAUR.

Schiavone: Holy fuck!

J.R.: Bah gawd! That T-Rex swallowed him whole!

The Tyrannosaurus whips back his head and gulps. Satisfied with his meal, he makes his way through the forest back to his home.

Schiavone: Is Handsomus dead?! Say it ain’t so, J.R.!

--------------------

The scenes switches to Saketumi GRAPPLING with a GIGANTIC SABRETOOTH TIGER. With a “URYYAAA!!” he YANKS ITS MIGHTY FANGS OUT OF ITS FUCKING MOUTH! The tiger drags its head along the ground in pain, gushing blood from the newly opened GUM HOLES. Saketumi spins the FANGS LIKE DAGGERS and DIVES INTO THE AIR, JAMMING THEM INTO THE TIGER’S EYEBALLS!

“Tch!” Saketumi utters, squatting on the corpse while shuffling through his pockets for a cigarette, “I don’t care what beasts I have to kill, I’ll get revenge on that bastard.”

“I have am founding you finally, yes?” a voice emerges from the darkness.

“Nan da?” Saketumi replies?

“I will be revenge taking for my brothers dead, no?” a muscular figure says as he FLIPS OUT OF A TREE to the ground below. It’s none other than NOCKOV, the fourth brother of Toity’s Bulgarian servants and considered the STRONGEST. He pulls at his finely-waxed handlebar mustache and begins flexing in front of the unimpressed Saketumi. His bulging muscles is accompanied by the melody of LEATHER RIPPING. Once it seems that all his muscles have expanded, MORE EMERGE ON TOP OF EXISTING ONES. His eyes are obscured with SHADOWS as he CONCENTRATES INTENTLY ON HIS LAVISH DISPLAY!

“If you want to fight, we’ll fight …” Saketumi says, flicking his cigarette to the ground, “But stop with all this posturing. I hate guys like that … most of all!”

“Hip!”

J.R.: We got a good old fashioned brawl on our hands!

They grapple eachother and the powerful Nockov quickly brings Saketumi to his knees. However, Saketumi takes this opportunity to DRIVE HIS KNEE into Nockov’s SPANDEX-CLAD NUTSACK!

“Ooomph!” Nockov chokes out, buckling backwards. However, he FLEXES THROUGH THE PAIN AND KIPS TO HIS FEET!

Saketumi is taken OFF HIS FEET with a POWERFUL SHOULDER TACKLE. As Nockov STOPS HIS CHARGE, The Burning Wolf continues sailing until he crashes into a tree. He sits up and slams his fist into it, splintering the wood, before SCRAMBLING TO HIS FEET and TACKLING NOCKOV!

“Yarou!” screams into Nockov’s face PRIOR TO HEADBUTTING THE SHIT OUT OF HIM! Nockov grips Saketumi by the shoulders and BEGINS PULSATING, his muscles making odd noises as he shrugs off the VICIOUS HEADBUTTS. He HURLS THE JAPANESE MAN INTO THE SKY, EASILY ABOVE THE TREES. He ends up perhaps FIFTY FEET INTO THE AIR FROM THE MUSCLE MAN’S MIGHTY TOSS!

“Fuck this shit …,” Saketumi thinks to himself, “I can’t lose here …”

HIS FLIGHT REACHES ITS APEX AND HE BEGINS DIVING BACK DOWN TO GROUND. Nockov crouches and lowers a fist to his side, PREPPING A POWERFUL UPPERCUT. SAKETUMI GAINS SPEED AS HE PASSES THROUGH THE TREES, MORE SPEED THAN THE BULGARIAN EXPECTED. He can’t THROW HIS UPPERCUT BEFORE SAKETUMI DIVES HEADFIRST INTO NOCKOV’S FUCKING SKULL! Nockov is DRIVEN INTO THE GROUND LIKE A STAKE, HIS HEAD SPLIT WIDE OPEN. Saketumi pulls his face out of the hole Nockov was driven into, BRAIN MATTER ON HIS FACE. Out of the hole that Nockov is now BURIED IN, small spurts of blood SPEW from the hole like it were a miniature geyser.

“Yare yare daze …” Saketumi mutters, wiping off the Bulgarian’s brains off his brow.

Schiavone: Another one bites the dust, J.R.!

J.R.: I don’t think we’re going to have much of a roster after this match.

--------------------

“Well done, my warriors!” a voice booms through the forest. We see shots of our superstars staring at intercom systems placed in the trees throughout the forest.
“I’m glad everyone is taking to the hunt so well! The FTUW is sure to make millions off of this Pay-Per-View!” McHarris spouts into his microphone, “We have only two confirmed eliminations so far, bringing down the total to 13 left, a ways away from our required eight. However, from what I’ve seen on the monitors that number will be dropping quickly!”

--------------------

The scene switches to a pimped out Ford driving recklessly through the forest. Leaning out of the DRIVER SIDE window is Sella Phayne firing an AK-47 RANDOMLY INTO THE AIR.

“Nigga you owe me!” he screams, his foot propped up on the wheel as he reloads his gun. FLYING ABOVE him ON A CLOUD IS THE RESSURRECTED PUFF RYDER! He takes another toke on his ORNATE BONG and exhales the SMOKE onto his MARIJUANA NIMBUS. He dodges the bullets effortlessly AS HE SOARS THROUGH THE SKY.

--------------------

The scene switches to a man donned in African safari gear, riding a horse without a saddle. His sparkling mustache and diamond tell us it’s NONE OTHER THAN BARON HOITY VON TOITY. He gallops between the thick, enclosed forestation with ease, his equestrian prowess on FULL DISPLAY.

“You’re a fine horse,” Toity smiles while caressing the stallion’s mane, “I might consider adding you to my stable after I claim the FTUW title and leave this wretched island.”

The horse halts to a stop, almost UNSEATING The Baron. The horse stands in front of a large object, bathed in shadow. The sounds of bones snapping and flesh being torn can be heard. The sun moves slightly, revealing the mass to be FANCY LALA DEVOURING THE FLESH OF A BOAR. His head turns to Toity, his chins glistening with blood, viscera DECORATING HIS FAT FACE. Toity recoils in disgust.

“What manner of abhorred creature are you?” Toity grimaces. Lala farts.

“Enough of this! I won’t take stand such ill-mannered defiance!” Toity says as he leaps from his recently trained horse, “I was only going to beat you senseless but I’m not sure I’ll be able to restrain myself from taking your life!”

He sheathes his cane and squats into a wrestling stance. Lala POUNCES ON HIM WITH SURPRISING AGILITY!

Schiavone: HE … HE CAN FIGHT?

J.R.: Maybe he’s not a useless sack of shit after all!

Lala’s eyes SHOW A SEA OF INSANITY. He ATTEMPTS TO BITE HOITY’S FUCKING FACE OFF but Toity moves just in time. Lala spits out a mouth full of dirt and turns back to his prey. He places his fingers on his temple and UTTERS AN INHUMAN SOUND.

“Nnnnngggrhhhh!!” he says, a visible vein on his forehead as he strains. HIS PANTS FILL WITH AMPLE AMOUNTS OF SHIT, SQUIRTING OUT HIS TIGHT BIKER SHORTS and down his legs. Toity begins to gag, taking his eyes off his opponent. A FATAL MISTAKE.

He opens his eyes and sees only darkness. A solar eclipse? HE LOOKS UP TO SEE A DUMP TRUCK CRASHING DOWN ON TOP OF HIM! The TRUCK COMPACTS HIM INTO THE GROUND, A THIRD OF THE VEHICLE IS BURIED INTO THE DIRT. TOITY SMASHED UNDER ITS FRAME.

J.R.: TOITY’S DEAD! BAH GAWD! FANCY LALA KILLED HIM!

Schiavone: I don’t believe it! This can’t be happening!

Lala LEAPS ON TOP OF THE DUMPTRUCK and begins chewing on the bumper, moaning hellish noises. After a minute, he falls off the truck from exertion, his fall cushioned by his SHIT-FILLED PANTS. His eyes return to their normal state, his hunger-driven rage somewhat subdued.

J.R.: It looks like we are down to twelve!

SUDDENLY, A CANE BURSTS THROUGH THE SOIL AND STRIKES LALA IN THE CHEST. Lala’s jovial and sweaty expression is SUDDENLY ONE RACKED WITH PAIN.

“Checkmate!” Toity says from UNDER THE EARTH. He bursts from the ground in a flourish and lands behind Lala as he claws at his chest.

“I knew a porcine fellow like you must have a weak heart,” Toity smirks, “It seems you are not long for this world … spend your last moments in regret of your life of excess.” Toity walks away, his emerald-studded cape flowing behind him. Lala’s chest EXPLODES, BLOOD GUSHING FROM THE WOUND as pieces of bone and sinew spray into the FOREST AIR. Toity hops onto his horse and rides off, leaving his foe’s corpse to rot. The camera zooms in on Lala’s card, a light signifying he has been eliminated.

--------------------

The scene switches to a pack of HELLISH LOOKING WOLVES sniffing around in a small clearing. They are gigantic in size, beasts perhaps from some sort of prehistoric period. They sense something faint, a smell they can’t quite place. The camera zooms in on the pack leader. The wolf’s image becomes distorted, as if we were viewing him from underwater, but only for a second. Upon closer inspection this distortion is in the shape of a man. The wolf gives up on his search and the translucent man completely fades from vision. It’s none other than Apathetic Arschloch, the man who almost won the FTUW championship at Night of 1000 D’Los! His apathy has caused him to cease to exist in this dimension. He’s here, but he’s not! Not even as he takes a step through a puddle of mud, a footprint is not left. Arschloch has AVOIDED THE DANGER OF THE FOREST ENTIRELY as he CLOSES IN ON THE GATE LEADING TO FUCK MOUNTAIN!

--------------------

Lucha libre star EL TIGRE is cautiously moving through the forest. After finding the mutilated corpse of Puroresu superstar Ken Tsunami, he’s sped up. His new goal is to not find opponents but rather avoid them. There’s something dark lurking in this forest and El Tigre is trying to avoid it!

He dashes through a large thicket, trying to get to the GATE as quickly as possible. He is about to take a step until he notices a SNARE barely hidden on the forest floor.

“Ah, ya got me! I thought I had myself a hung wetback!” says Jack “Jim Beam” Daniels, sitting on a tree branch, playfully swinging his legs as he casually drinks Ultrahol from a flask. His body is covered in BANDALIERS holstering multiple flasks. The FTUW team didn’t allow weapons into this forest but they had no idea how dangerous Daniels is with Ultrahol!

“Fuck off, redneck!” EL TIGRE says, giving Daniels the finger is an dramatic way. Daniels hops down from his seat and lands in front El Tigre and nearly leans on the Mexican. El Tigre spits and UNLEASHES a flurry of fists! Daniels’ face is TENDERIZED as the BLOWS SLAM HIS HEAD into the TREE BEHIND HIM. Tigre poses to view his work but is stunned to see DANIELS UNAFFECTED!

Schiavone: What the hell, J.R.! Is Ultrahol that powerful?

J.R.: His body is in such a relaxed state from the Ultrahol that blows like that have no effect! Tigre is going to have to something more powerful if he wants to beat Jack!

Tigre looks frustrated at the uncaring Daniels, blood dribbling slightly from his noise. TIGRE fires of a POWERFUL KICK that CRUSHES DANIELS HEAD into THE TREE. Energy comes off the LIGHTNING KICK in the form of a slightly VISIBLE STEAM. One second later, the back of the tree EXPLODES.

“How about that, Gringo!” Tigre says, releasing his foot and dancing, hopping from foot to foot, his fists in a boxing stance.

Daniels’ nose is broken, some teeth may be lose, and blood is running down his face in several areas. He CHUCKLES at the attack. Daniels takes the flask he was drinking from and pours the ULTRAHOL on his face, ABSORBING THE SHIT DIRECTLY INTO HIS BLOODSTREAM. Tigre steps back cautiously, waiting for something to happen, as Daniels’ expression is unchanging. SUDDENLY, HIS HEAD THROBS, HIS EYES BULGE OUT OF HIS SKULL SLIGHTLY, and a STRAINED GRUNT passes through his lips. This lasts for half a second. SUDDENLY, TIGRE SEES NOTHING, BUT FEELS HIS STOMACH CAVING IN. Suddenly, DANIELS APPEARS WITH HIS FIST BURIED INTO TIGRE’S STOMACH. Tigre is THROWN BACK from the SONIC BOOM created from the punch!

J.R.: BAH GAWD!

Schiavone: Is he related to Handsomus or something! How did he get this strong?

J.R.: He’s using Ultrahol. Not only that, he’s using REGULAR ULTRAHOL. This is only a fraction of his power!

Schiavone: S-Shit!

Tigre stands up, visibly shaken from the attack. He seems understandably shaken from such a powerful attack BUT HIS LATIN SPIRIT IS NOT WANING. He charges at Daniels who is standing, looking relaxed, peaceful. DANIELS SHOUTS “GRAAAH!!” at TIGRE, FREEZING THE MEXICAN IN HIS TRACKS. DANIELS WHIPS HIS HAND DOWN ON HIS FLY, UNZIPPING IT WITH LIGHTNING SPEED. ONE SECOND LATER, JACK “JIM BEAM” DANIELS’ DICK ROLLS OUT OF HIS PANTS WITH A “WHOOSH.” TIGRE’S FEAR IS REPLACED WITH CONFUSION … BUT FEAR AGAIN AS HE NOTICES A STRANGE METAL CONTRAPTION ATTACHED TO DANIELS’ FUCKING DICK!

J.R.: I … I don’t know what to say, folks.

The large METAL DEVICE IS ATTACHED TO DANIELS’ WANG, a sort of structural cocoon. Daniels GRIPS HIS DICK AND PRESSES A BUTTON, LIGHTING A SMALL FLAME THAT IS A INCH IN FRONT OF THE TIP OF HIS DICK. Tigre starts to scream REALIZING WHAT’S HAPPENING AS DANIELS UNLEASHES A MIGHTY STREAM OF URINE. HIS URINE, SO SATURATED WITH THE EXPLOSIVE ULTRAHOL, TRANSFORMS FROM A YELLOW RIVER INTO A TORNADO OF FIRE! Tigre is BATHED IN FLAME FROM HEAD TO TOE, AS WELL AS THE SURROUND FOREST. Tigre is quickly turned to ASH as Daniels walks away from the burning forest, dick swinging.

Schiavone: HE PISSED TIGRE TO DEATH! I CAN’T BELIEVE IT!

J.R.: ONLY IN THE FTUW, FOLKS!

Schiavone: I hope someone can stop that fire or this match may be ending sooner than we think!

“Excellent work, my warriors!” the intercom echoes through the forest, “We’re done to only 11 now! The list of the dead includes Ken Tsunami, El Tigre, Fancy Lala, and Nockov. I guess I forgot to mention this but killing your opponent is certainly not a requirement! Hopefully we’ll be able to survive despite such a devastating loss to our roster. Only 3 more to go! Oh, and Daniels, very creative but try to keep it in your pants next time.”

--------------------

The camera begins to follow Jonesie the Merciless who is yanking his cutlass from the body of a bear. He looks up and sees the gate to FUCK MOUNTAIN in the distance. He’s almost there, but that is not his goal. He’s looking for a man. He’s looking for a treasure that’s rightfully his.

“We meet again, Jonesie,” a voice booms behind Jonesie. He turns around, drawing his pistol and pointing at the dark figure. It’s the CLOAKED MAN, his robes flowing unnaturally despite the lack of wind. His shrouded face is illuminated as his FIERY WHITE, SPACE VALHALLIAN EYES PEER OUT FROM THE DARKNESS. His horns, obtained from the depths of hell, jut out from his hood. Cloaked Man reaches into his ROBES and pulls out the ITEM OF JONESIE’S SEARCH, the SACRED EMERALD MEDALLION.

“I’ll be sendin’ ya back ta hall. Send the devil my regards!” Jonesie smirks AS HE THRUSTS WITH HIS CUTLASS. However, his blade pierces nothing solid, as the ROBES fall LIFELESSLY over the blade.

Jonesie spins around on an instinct, AIMING HIS PISTOL, his suspicions right as HE SEES THE CLOAKED MAN’S FIST BARRELING TOWARDS HIM. He dodges just JAB and attempts to PULL THE TRIGGER AND FIRE … but his finger doesn’t respond. He continues TRYING TO PULL BACK HIS INDEX FINGER BUT WITH NO RESULT! He looks down to see his hand missing. Blood BURSTS from the OPEN WOUND as Cloaked Man has the index finger PINCHED between his finger and thumb, dangling the hand in front of the wounded Jonesie.

“Is that all you have?” Cloaked Man chuckles, “You’re nothing without your crew.”

Suddenly, THE SACRED EMERALD MEDALLION GLOWS and the SEVERED HAND OF JONESIE SPRINGS TO LIFE! It FLIES from CLOAKED MAN’S GRASP and squeezes the THROAT OF JONESIE, SENDING HIM TO HIS KNEES. Jonesie raises his CUTLASS but Cloaked Man KNOCKS IT AWAY with a FLOURISH of his CAPE. Jonesie face turns RED TO BLUE as the PIRATE’S BRAIN IS DEPRIVED OF OXYGEN.

Schiavone: This whole thing is giving me a bad feeling! I thought Jonesie was strong but CLOAKED MAN IS CHOKING HIM WITH HIS OWN GODDAMNED HAND! What happens when him and Theldorrin fight? Or Handsomus and Daniels?

J.R.: I don’t know, Schiavone. God knows if we’ll even make it off this island!

Cloaked Man reaches into Jonesie’s pocket and pulls out his CARD. He tosses it to the ground and begins to beep slowly, signifying that he is in danger of being eliminated.

“I’m not done with you yet, Jonesie,” Cloaked Man rasps, “Live life shamefully, cling to survival pathetically. Crawl on your belly … get stronger. Come and face me again.”

The Cloaked Man turns and begins floating away from Jonesie, heading towards the FTU gate. Jonesie’s severed hand LOOSENS IT GRIP and falls to the ground. It turns white and DISTINGRATES into ash. Jonesie gasps for air, watching his most hated foe leave him, ignore him as he were trash! Jonesie stares down at the card in front of him, the beeping picking up in speed as its time limit is winding down. He reaches for it … but pulls his hand back. He’s not ready. He clenches his fist in anger. The card’s beeping LED light fades. Jonesie has been eliminated.

--------------------

Shots ring out in the forest, signaling some fighters are still in the match, fighting for a chance to win the FTUW CHAMPIONSHIP BELT. Sella Phayne is still riding dirty in his Ford truck, chasing after Puff Ryder. Rasheed's floating cloud of weed smoke propels him at breakneck speed. As he exhales, the whisps form the face of Ricky Williams.

"Goddamn, this is some good shit!"

"Rasheed, Puff Ryder, I know this. No one smokes stickier icky than me. But you need to use the power of your high to win this match! Your mom is counting on you!"

"Listen, man, I ain't listenin' to this shit. You're blowing my high."

Just then a shot connects with its target as the lighter engraved with the image of Haille Sallasse is knocked from Puff Ryder's grip. "Aw shit, nah," Puff Ryder says to himself. Sella Phayne begins to make up ground, "I'mma get you, sucka. You think I'm playin' around here?"

"See, Rasheed? Defeat this cracker!"

"Dag, man, you're right. But what can I do," Puff Ryder asks the image of Ricky Williams.

"Nigga, use your high! I remember one time, the cops pulled me over, but I was able to get out of a ticket by using my high to cloud their minds."

Puff Ryder pulls out his spare lighter and takes a hit from the bong. He turns his head to the Ford following him and blows as hard as he can. Sella Phayne, never one to pass up a free smoke, inhales "You think weed smoke can hurt me? I'm a real d boy handlin' real weight. I ..." Phayne trails off. "Shit, what's happenin' to me?"

"Drop your gun," Puff Ryder commands.

"Shit, no," Sella can't help but listen, though.

"That's it, Rasheed! Remember your training!" The spirit of Ricky Williams cheers him on.

"THAT'S IT," Sella Phayne yells, reaching under his seat. His tolerance for all drugs finally kicks in and he can resist the Rasta Mind Trick. He pulls out a SHOTGUN AND FIRES AT PUFF RYDER'S CLOUD AND IT DISINTEGRATES FROM UNDER HIM. As Puff Ryder falls, he sees Ricky whisper, "Remember ... your ... training ..." He lifts his bong up, falling faster and faster, and yells, "POWER BONG EXTEND!" The bong grows longer and RIPS RIGHT THROUGH THE ENGINE OF SELLA PHAYNE'S FORD TRUCK. Because real gangsters don't wear seatbelts, Phayne flies through the windshield and hits a tree.

Puff Ryder picks up Sella Phayne's card, rolls it up and smokes it.

--------------------

Hoity von Toity dismounts from his horse as he faces a gate to Fuck Mountain. The camera switches to Bin Destruction calmly waiting for his gate to open, polishing his many box cutters and toying with some of the gadgets he snuck into the forest. The Cloaked Man is floating high above Destruction, viewing the final battles from the sky.

Apathetic Arschloch is sitting in front of one of the many gates leading to Fuck Mountain. He is still camouflaged, achieving true transcendence through apathy. A butterfly approaches him, gently flies up to his face, and SIMPLY PASSES THROUGH HIM. His FINELY CRAFTED AND PRECISE LACK OF CARING HAS MADE HIM NONEXISTANT ALMOST COMPLETELY. However, he is disrupted as a TYRANNOSAURUS REX MARCHES IN. Even Apathetic Arschloch can’t NOT CARE in the face of such a beast. His NONEXISTENCE fades SLIGHTLY, his body takes a physical form and his camouflage is reduced merely to TRANSLUCENCE.

Suddenly, the T-Rex roars, shaking the dense forest. But this is not a battle cry … but a CRY OF AGONY. A LARGE SHAPE FORMS IN THE SKIN OF THE DINOSAUR’S STOMACH. It’s the shape OF A FIST! A dull roar from inside the BELLY OF THE BEAST TRANSFORMS INTO A WAR CHANT.

“ORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORA!!”

The FIST SHAPES ARE REPEATED. SUDDENLY, THE DINO IS CONVULSING AS FISTS TRYING TO FIGHT THEIR WAY OUT OF THE MASSIVE BEAST. HANDS STRETCH THE SKIN AS THE DINO VOMITS BLOOD. ARSCHLOCH’S CAMOUFLAGE IS ALMOST COMPLETELY GONE AT THE SIGHT OF SUCH VIOLENCE. LIKE A BOMB GOING OFF, THE T-REX EXPLODES IN A SHOWER OF BLOOD, BONE, AND INTERNAL ORGANS! IN THE HURRICANE OF BLOOD MIST STANDS HANDSOMUS R. AWESOME!

J.R.: BAH GAWD! BAH GAWD! HE’S STILL ALIVE!

Schiavone: I DON’T BELIEVE IT, J.R.! HE WAS EATEN BY A FUCKING DINOSAUR!

J.R.: THIS IS ALL IN A DAY’S WORK FOR HANDSOMUS!

--------------------

Elsewhere, Daniels has found the gate. He marches forward, still covered in a slight bit of smoke from PISSING FIRE. He stops in his tracks … he senses something. He turns his head to see RYAKKU SAKETUMI, THE BURNING WOLF, SMOKING A CIGARETTE.

“Have time for one more fight?” Saketumi says, dropping his cigarette and putting it out with his foot. Although Daniels doesn’t understand the language HE KNOWS WHAT RYAKKU IS HERE FOR. They both RAISE THEIR FISTS AND DASH AT EACHOTHER, ARMS COCKED BACK!

--------------------

Drenched in the COLD-BLOODED CREATURE’S BODY REMNANTS, HANDSOMUS marches toward Arschloch WHO IS FULLY VISIBLE NOW. APATHY HAS TRANSFORMED INTO A SLIGHT FEAR. Handsomus GRABS HIM BY THE COLLAR AND LIFTS HIM UP FROM A SITTING POSITION. “URRYYAA!!” HE SHOUTS, CLENCHING A.A. IN A BEARHUG. WITH A TREMENDOUS LEAP, BOTH COMPETITORS SAIL INTO THE SKY AS HANDSOMUS PREPARES THE INTERGALACTIC GALACTIC DRIVER!

Schiavone: THIS IS IT, J.R.! HE’S GOING TO KILL HIM AND THE MATCH WILL BE OVER.

--------------------

BOOM! BOOM! BOOOOM! IT SOUNDS LIKE ALL HELL IS BREAKING LOOSE AS THE TWO FOES EXCHANGE BLOWS! DANIELS THROWS A HOOK TO SAKETUMI’S BODY THAT LIFTS HIM OFF THE GROUND! Saketumi RESPONDS WITH A KNEE TO DANIELS’ SOLAR PLEXES, CAUSING HIM TO THROW UP A LITTLE ULTRAHOL. Saketumi LEAPS INTO THE AIR FOR A SPINNING AXE KICK BUT DANIELS BLOCKS THE BLOW AND ELBOWS HIM IN THE CHEST! Saketumi flies backward, ROLLS TO HIS FEET AND SEES DANIELS ARMED WITH A LIGHTER AND CHEEKS BULGING OUT OF HIS FACE! DANIELS SPITS BURN ULTRAHOL AND A GIGANTIC FIREBALL IS HURLED AT SAKETUMI!

“FAAAAACKK YOUUUUU!!” SAKETUMI SCREAMS BACK! HIS FIGHTING ENERGY SLOWS THE PATH OF THE FIREBALL GIVING HIM ENOUGH TIME TO ROLL OUT OF THE WAY! Saketumi rushes TOWARDS HIS OPPONENT and EXECUTES A FLYING UPPERCUT! DANIELS FACE COMPACTS FROM THE BLOW AND IS SENT SKYWARDS!

--------------------

The Cloaked Man watches from his position in the sky as HANDSOMUS TURNS OVER AND BEGINS HIS DESCENT. His MULTIPLE TRINKETS JINGLING AND JANGLING FROM THE FIERCE WINDS. LIKE A COMET, HE COMES CRASHING DOWN, BURYING ARSCHLOCH IN THE DIRT HEADFIRST!

J.R.: HE DID IT! THIS MATCH IS OVER!

Handsomus crawls off the body of Arschloch, still breathing but with perhaps a broken neck. A tinge of ELECTRICITY SURGES THROUGH HANDSOMUS BODY AS HE CONSIDERS STOMPING THE LIFE OF ARSCHLOCH, the man that took his belt. But he knows that IS NOT THE PATH OF A MAN OF JUSTICE. However, his attention is DETERRED FROM THE SOUND OF CLAPPING.

“Good work, Handsomus. Oh, and it’s nice to meet you. I’m Theldorrin XIV,” the massive mechanical monstrosity utters. There can be no doubt this man is not human. Where his eyes should be are medallions with XIV etched emblazoned on the metal. His frame is large and inhuman, a THICK METALLIC ARMOR COVERING HIS BODY WHERE HIS SKIN SHOULD BE.

“I know who you are,” Handsomus retorts.

“Really? Is that what you think?”

A TOOTH ROCKETS FROM SAKETUMI’S MOUTH FROM A VICIOUS DROPKICK FROM DANIELS! Saketumi crashes into a tree, BREAKING IT IN THE MIDDLE and causing it to TOPPLE OVER ONTO SAKETUMI! SAKETUMI DIVES ONTO HIS HANDS AND EXECUTES A POWERFUL KICK THAT SENDS THE FALLING TREE LIKE A TORPEDO AT JACK “JIM BEAM” DANIELS! DANIELS WHIPS OUT A FLASK OF ULTRAHOL AND SHOVES THE GODDAMNED THING IN HIS MOUTH, BITING INTO IT TO RELEASE THE LIQUID, NOT HAVING ENOUGH TIME TO UNSCREW THE CAP!

HE MUSCLES BULGE FROM THE NEW POWER AND HE QUICKLY EXECUTES A HELLISH STRAIGHT AT THE FLYING TREE! THE TREE BUNCHES UP AT THE IMPACT POINT LIKE A CRUMPLING CAR IN A HEAD-ON COLLISSION! THE TREE EXPLODES, SENDING MILLIONS OF TINY SPLINTERS OF WOODS AROUND THE COMBATANTS. THEY DASH AT EACHOTHER AGAIN, WOOD PARTICLES AND LEAVES FLOATING AROUND THEM!

“RORRURING GOOOOOO!!”

”SOWAAAH MASSHAAAA!!”

--------------------

“Theldorrin XIII and I share more differences than just an altered appearance,” Theldorrin says, raising his arms DRAMATICALLY, “He and I aren’t the same.”

“!”

--------------------

IN THE MIDST OF THE EXPLODED TREE, SAKETUMI AND DANIELS BASH HEADS. THEY ARE BOTH GOING FOR THEIR FINISHERS, BOTH WHICH START WITH A SERIES OF HEADBUTTS. They BEGIN TO BUTT HEADS OVER AND OVER, WAITING FOR THE MOMENT ONE HESITATES SO THE OTHER CAN UNLEASH THEIR SIGNATURE ATTACK! WITH EACH SUCCESSIVE CRANIAL BLOW, THEIR FEET DIG DEEPER IN THE GROUND FROM THE SHEER FORCE OF THE ATTACK! NEITHER WANE, THEIR ATTACKS KEEP CONTINUING!

--------------------

“Theldorrin XIII thought he had killed me,” Theldorrin XIV tells his foe, “But you'll soon learn I'm far more difficult to kill than you can imagine.” He pulls the two medallions from his mask and throws them at Handsomus, the medallions crackling with red energy. Handsomus easily dodges the attack. Inadvertantly, however, one of them manages to strike Arschloch's card and pins it to the forest floor.

--------------------

BOTH OF THEIR HEADS BEGIN TO OOZE BLOOD, EVEN SAKETUMI’S DESPITE THE MOUND OF SCAR TISSUE PRESENT ON HIS SKULL FROM REPEATED USE OF THIS MOVE!

The camera zooms in on Apathetic Arschloch’s card. The LED light fades to black and the gates surrounding FUCK MOUNTAIN OPEN DRAMATICALLY.

“WELL DONE, WARRIORS! Bravo!” McHarris shouts through the intercom, “This match is over! Our final eight may proceed!”

Handsomus turns his head to the sound of McHarris’ voice. Once McHarris is finished, he turns his head back to Theldorrin XIV who has vanished. Handsomus clenches his fist.

--------------------

Saketumi and Daniels stand facing each other, heads bleeding, smoke floating through the air. They stand in a circle of dirt, the POWER OF THE HEADBUTTS paved away the grass they were standing on. Without saying anything, they walk towards the gates.
Ryoko's Biatch
Joined: 04 Jan 2007
Posts: 9255
(Sat Jan 20, 2007 5:47 pm)
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Post     Re: FTUW KING SHIT OF FUCK MOUNTAIN (#5)

Fuck Mountain. It's penile majesty casts a shadow over are eight remaining combatants. A large, big-screen TV is placed on a platform set up in front of the gate leading to Fuck Mountain. These warriors all stand side by side: Handsomus R. Awesome, Puff Ryder, Ryakku Saketumi, Theldorrin XIV, The Cloaked Man, Baron Hoity von Toity, Bin Destruction, and Jack "Jim Beam" Daniels. The TV instantly flashes on, displaying James Brock McHarris' weathered face.

"I'm really impressed, really, I am," Brock says, adorned in a fine Italian suit, "But that little event in the forest was just the beginning. This is where things start to get serious!"

A map of Fuck Mountain is displayed on the screen in a picture-in-picture display.

"We've divided you all into four seperate matches. You will proceed to your assigned location, follow the rules of the match if any, and continue up the mountain to face your next opponents," he says, motioning his finger up and down the penis-shaped rock formation.

"Oh, in the third round, your goal is to make sure your opponent doesn't make it to the top before you. Then, of course, the last two remaining will fight it out on the very tip, the winner becoming the new FTUW World Champion!"

"Now, I know that's not what it's important to all of you, you wanna know who are facing, right? So without further adieu, here they are:

HANDSOMUS VS. CLOAKED MAN

THELDORRIN VS. BIN DESTRUCTION

JACK "JIM BEAM" DANIELS VS. PUFF RYDER

RYAKKU SAKETUMI VS. BARON HOITY VON TOITY

GOOD LUCK, MY WARRIORS!"
Ryoko's Biatch
Joined: 04 Jan 2007
Posts: 9255
(Sat Jan 20, 2007 5:47 pm)
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Post     Re: FTUW KING SHIT OF FUCK MOUNTAIN (#5)

Kuzuki and Tanaka, two vigilant members of the Yamada-gumi, Ryakku Saketumi's Yakuza organization, watch him head through the gate to his first match with none other than his archnemesis, Baron Hoity von Toity.

"Kusoh ..." Kuzuki kicks at the ground, "All this action is getting my blood pumping ..."

"I wish we could be helping Saketumi-sama," Tanaka puffs out his chest.

"What would you do, fatty? Eat Toity?" Kuzuki cackles.

"The fuck?! You'd just piss your pants again!" Tanaka points at his comrade.

"I-I ... told you to never talk about that again ... TANAKA-FATTY!!"

"Pissuki!" Tanaka replies, puckering his lips with the "S" sound.

Kuzuki spits and pulls back his arm, LODGING HIS ELBOW INTO SOMETHING HARD. Kuzuki turns his head slowly, his round sunglasses slide down his nose as he realizes what he has struck. His eyes trail up for what seems like forever. His elbow is jutted deep into none other than the black adonis, Charles Artemis, gut.

"Kuzuuuki-kun, that's one of Toity's thugs! Let's run away!" Tanaka shouts!

"Urosei!! Saketumi is fighting for Japan, Tanaka-fatty. WE CAN'T BACK DOWN, NOW!"

"It seems like we found Saketumi's goons," Artemis says, towering over the two Japanese gangsters.

"Ey, fuck 'em! Dey just be two little shits ..." says Sinclair Mohammed, relaxing on a tree branch, eating an orange nonchalantly.

"A-Another?!" Kuzuki says, starting to back away from Artemis.

"Finish them off quickly," appears Wilson P. Hickenbottom, tabbing through files on his PDA using a stylus, "Toity says that after he kills Saketumi, he doesn't want to see the rest of that trash gang."

"Yo, Tanaka, I have an idea ..."

"Oh? What is it?"

"Let's run away!"

"That was my idea, asshole!"

They turn simultaneously and sprint until CHIEF FISTING FALCON DESCENDS MAGICALLY FROM THE SKY AND IMPEDES THEIR MARCH.

"Kusoooo ...!" Kuzuki utters.

"If it is the wish of Baron Toity," says Falcon, spreading his arms out like a bird, covered in a shadow, his eyes represented piercing lights, "it shall be done!"

"Well, may it quick. I'm leaving to ensure Toity makes it to his match fine," says Hickenbottom, adjusting his glasses. With that, he jumps into the air like a ninja and vanishes.

Kuzuki turns his head to see a half-eaten orange fall to the ground. Sinclair Mohammed cracks his neck and makes his way over the two gangsters.

"TANAKA! PUFF OUT YOUR CHEST! It's time for ... that technique ..." Kuzuki says.

"That technique ... ?" Tanaka says, "But ... it's untested ... !"

"Don't give me that shit!" Kuzuki shouts, "Let's do it!"

Tanaka squats down and Kazuki LEAPS ONTO HIS BACK, STICKING IS ARMS OUT AND POSING!

"Yosh! TAZUKI RUSH COMBOOOO!!" Kazuki sits down on Tanaka's back and THEY BOTH WALK SLOWLY TOWARDS THE TRILLIONAIRE'S CLUB, THROWING QUICK PUNCHES AND SHOUTING "ORAORAORAORAORAORA!"

"Do it gutsily, Tanaka!" Kuzuki screams.

"HAI!"

Artemis pulls back his leg as the two approaches, intending to end it in one blow. LIKE LIGHTNING, HE STRIKES, BUT A BAMBOO STAFF BLOCKS THE BLOW!

"Yare yare ..." says a PINK BLUR, "Three on one?"

"Who the hell are you?" Artemis says, retracting his foot.

"Just a man drifting through life ..." the pink-robed samurai, Kaze, replies, "and your opponent!"

CHIEF FISTING FALCON LEAPS FORWARD, HIS MASS OF MUSCLES BULGING AS HE PULLS BACK HIS PALM. Suddenly, DOZENS OF TINY CRATERS FORM ON HIS CHEST, about the size of the tip of a shoe. He stumbles back as A LONG-HAIRED MAN IN A SCHOOL UNIFORM DESCENDS FROM THE SKY.

"And I'm Hibashira, the man with flaming feet!" he says, slapping his knee.

"Fuk dis' shit!" says Sinclair, leaping onto the sand and spinning like a tornado. All the surrounding fighters leap away from the TYPHOON OF KICKS. He stops suddenly, stands up, and jerks his head to the air, sniffing.

"It's ... PUSSSYYYY!!" SINCLAIR SHOUTS, RIPPING OFF HIS PANTS, EXPOSING A LEAPOARD PRINT THONG. He spies a Japanese woman in a kimono, carrying a parasol. It's, of course, Yuki. He dashes off after her as she leads him into the forest.

"Well well ... shall we get started," Artemis says, cracking his knuckles.
Ryoko's Biatch
Joined: 04 Jan 2007
Posts: 9255
(Sat Jan 20, 2007 5:48 pm)
Reply

Post     Re: FTUW KING SHIT OF FUCK MOUNTAIN (#5)

Schiavone: Now we’re heading to the second round, the battle at the base of FUCK MOUNTAIN! Handsomus R. Awesome takes on the mysterious Cloaked Man! Who do think is going to win, J.R.?

J.R.: When matched up against Handsomus, few even escape alive. Regardless of that, this Cloaked Man seems to be a lot more powerful than we think. I think we’re in for one hell of a slobberknocker!

The camera pans behind Handsomus R. Awesome, guitarless, walking stoically towards the match location. He enters a small clearing, surrounded by tall, dilapidated stone walls. He is surrounded by large statues, looking African in nature, with grotesque monstrous heads and thin, lanky bodies, wielding spears and shields. He doesn’t sense that dark energy here so he’s not afraid of the statues suddenly springing to life, like earlier on the island.

“We meet again …” a voice echoes through the ruins.

“Who are you?” Handsomus replies, looking around for the person speaking.

“You know … who I am …”

“The so-called Cloaked Man, I’m guessing,” Handsomus replies.

“That’s true. But I’m much more than that,” the voice continues.

“You know, I have bigger matters to attend to. Let’s just do this,” Handsomus lights a cigar.

Suddenly, the sound of marching begins to reverberate off the stone walls. Handsomus takes a fighting stance, bouncing from foot to foot. In shuffles the dead, but not just a few, HUNDREDS, from what appears to be from multiple decades. On top of the walls stands half-dead wolves, monkeys, tigers, and all sorts of insane shit.

“Can’t just come out and fight?” Handsomus chuckles, “Well, whatever. I need to warm up!”

With that he dashes into the MOB OF ZOMBIES SLOWLY CLOSING AROUND HIM. The camera switches to an overhead shot, SHOWING HANDSOMUS PLOWING THROUGH THE CROWD LIKE A DRILL. Intestines, legs, bones, blood, ALL SPRAYS INTO THE AIR AS HANDSOMUS PUMMELS HIS WAY THROUGH THE MASS OF ROTTING FLESH.

“ASTRAL SHOULDER!” Handsomus shouts, LAUNCHING A MASSIVE SHOULDER BLOCK THAT RIPS OPEN THE GROUND AND EXPLODES LIKE FIFTY ZOMBIES, SHOWERING THEIR BODY PARTS EVERYWHERE!

J.R.: Bah gawd, I was afraid that Handsomus may have some trouble fighting an army of zombies but he’s givin’ them an Oklahoma ass-kicking!

Schiavone: If this is all the Cloaked Man can do, he’s in some deep shit!

ZOMBIE GORILLAS SPRING OUT OF TREES AND LATCH THEMSELVES ONTO HANDSOMUS! He elbows one in the face, magically making its entire body EXPLODE. Two gorillas appear on either side, GRABBING HIS ARMS AND ATTEMPTING TO RIP HIM THEM OFF. MORE GORILLAS JUMP DOWN, ASSISTING IN THE EFFORT!

J.R.: Bah gawd thar gonna TEAR HIM IN HAAALFF!

HANDSOMUS BEGINS FLEXING, HIS SHIRT TEARING AT HIS RIPPLING PECTORALS. HE YANKS HIS ARMS TOGETHER, SENDING THE GORILLAS CAREENING INTO EACH OTHER AND ALSO EXPLODING.

Two zombie tigers fucking DASH AT HIM but Handsomus nonchalantly steps on their heads, crushing them, as he continues his RAMPAGE.

A GROUP OF ZOMBIE GLADIATORS ON ZOMBIE CHARIOTS PULLED BY ZOMBIE HORSES COME CHARGING AT AWESOME. They whip out spears, READY TO JAM THEM RIGHT THROUGH HIS BODY. AS THE CHARIOTS APPROACH, HANDSOMUS THROWS A FUCKING DOUBLE-PUNCH THAT GOES THROUGH BOTH HORSES’ HEADS, KEEPS DRIVING THROUGH THEIR BODIES, INTO THE CHARIOTS, AND INTO THE FUCKING SOLDIERS. Everything explodes.

HANDSOMUS RUNS TO THE OUTER SIDE of one of the STANDING WALL RUINS. HE LEAPS ATHLETICALLY AND DROP KICKS IT, SENDING IT THE GROUND, SMASHING THE MOB OF ZOMBIES, SQUIRTING OUT GALLONS OF BLOOD.

“Enough of this! Stop hiding!” Handsomus shouts in the sky. WITH LIGHTNING SPEED, A CLOAKED FIGURE DESCENDS, WIELDING A TRIDENT! He comes CRASHING DOWN AS HANDSOMUS DEFTLY DODGES.

“Quite fast,” the Cloaked Man murmurs, “you are definitely part Manlinius …”

“How do you know about that?” Handsomus asks, dusting off his jacket.

“Manlinius wasn’t the only surviving Space Valhallian,” the Cloaked Man says, removing his hood, exposing his purple flesh and horns, “My name is Hard’Rok.”

“I could sense that energy from you …,” Handsomus says, “So, what’s your goal? Kill me?”

“Kill? No, no,” he laughs, “If I wanted to kill you, I could do it at anytime.”

As he says those words, he removes the SACRED EMERALD MEDALLION and it begins to glow. Handsomus THROWS A ROCKETING STRAIGHT DIRECTLY AT HARD’ROK. THE FIST COLLIDES BUT LEAVES NO EFFECT WHATSOEVER ON HIS FLESH.

“My … MY RAWKRA … how?” Handsomus asks, stunned, “That’s …”

“Pussinium? That’s what you Earthlings call it, right? There is more to it than that, however,” Hard’Rok says, stroking the medallion, “This is the Jewel of the Damned, or the Sacred Emerald Medallion. The power to revive the dead. Also, it naturally inhibits the use of Rawkra.”

Hard’Rok tightens his grip on the medallion, causing it to glow even brighter. Handsomus falls to the ground, SURGING WITH THAT DARK RED ENERGY KNOWN AS ROCKATRICITY.

“Come forth, Manlinius. Take control of that body,” Hard’Rok grins, “Obtain your revenge.”

“NO!” HANDSOMUS SHOUTS, LAUNCHING A FIST FILLED WITH CRACKLING RED ENERGY AT HARD’ROK. HARD’ROK FACE IS TWISTED FROM THE IMPACT, SENDING HIM THROUGH A STONE WALL!

Schiavone: What the hell is happening?!

J.R.: It’s that red energy we saw the night Handsomus killed Theldorrin XIII!

Handsomus collapses to the ground, the red energy fading, sweat dripping down his face.

“Good … good,” Hard’Rok says from the shadows, “You are definitely as strong as they say …”

Hard’Rok rises from the rubble and adjusts his cloak.

“I’ll let Theldorrin bring that power out of you again,” he says, cackling, “Good luck.”

Hard’Rok disappears in a flash. Handsomus only clenches his fist in response.

J.R.: I have no idea what’s going on.
Ryoko's Biatch
Joined: 04 Jan 2007
Posts: 9255
(Sat Jan 20, 2007 5:48 pm)
Reply

Post     Re: FTUW KING SHIT OF FUCK MOUNTAIN (#5)

Kaze attacks Artemis with lightning fast staff strikes from one side, while Hibashira kicks from the other. Artemis barely holds them off when Chief Fisting Falcon comes in for the save.

"I will fight the man with the bamboo staves," he states in the way only a stoic fucking Injun could.

"Yeah, this other dude is just my speed," Artemis replies.

---------------------------------------------

J.R.: Well, it looks like we finally get a good look at the man who made this tournament necessary, Tony. I'm excited to see how Theldorrin XIV compares to XIII.

T.S.: He's absolutely terrifying! Like nothing this world has ever seen and I don't expect that to change!

J.R.: Neither do I. Another terrifying man will be facing Theldorrin XIV, bin Destruction. His jihad against Christmas was enough to make me cry. It's a good thing we have men like Jack "Jim Beam" Daniels to stand up to that Muslim Monster.

T.S.: He's single-handedly made terrorism the prime export of the Middle East, finally surpassing oil!

J.R.: Here he comes, the bastard.

The Saudi national anthem plays as bin Destruction waves a burning American flag. After throwing the flag to the ground and stomping on it, he pulls a crucifix and a Star of David from his pockets and launches them into the air. He slices a box cutter through the air with INTENSE speed and both fall to the ground in tiny pieces. While bin Destruction waits in the ring, Theldorrin XIV floats down from the sky. His cape flaps in the growing wind.

"It's a shame, Mr. bin Destruction, that I have to destroy you today. You see, I respect your war against Christianity and Judaism," Theldorrin XIV announces to his foe. Bin Destruction stares skeptically at Theldorrin. "But if I'm going to crush all religion under my heel, I'll have to kill you and your muslim friends. So, I suppose I don't regret what I'm about to do to you."

"Infidel, I am to be crushing you!" Bin Destruction pulls out his twin box cutters with titanium blades. With the strength of Allah Himself, he swings them down, Theldorrin blocking with his steel gauntlets. Theldorrin smirks until he notices that the blades made a cut in his armor and blood trickled down his wrists.

J.R.: Bah gawd, I thought Theldorrin was a cyborg but he's got red blood like you and me!

T.S.: Easily the biggest surprise of my life, let alone in the entire history of human kind.

Angered, Theldorrin twists his arms, snapping the blades. Ready, Destruction begins punching Theldorrin in the chest, each blow moving him back half a space. "You are not so strong for Allah," bin Destruction declares as he Irish whips Theldorrin into the ropes. As Theldorrin returns to bin Destruction, he rockets into the sky and drops with his first two fingers on each hand extended, red energy crackling around them. Bin Destruction attempts a block, but Theldorrin is moving at astounding speeds and both fingers connect with Abdul's neck. "CHAITIN'S CONSTANT!" With that, bin Destruction is stuck in place! Unable to move, his eyes look in all directions as he strains against whatever had been done to him.

Theldorrin XIV walks around his frozen foe, chuckling to himself. "You're a puny, weak human. You think your God can save you now? He's fiction and it says so much about you that you cling to him like a baby to his mother's teat. OMEGA!" Theldorrin delivers twin punches to bin Destruction's midsection and he collapses.

Theldorrin lifts his foot to pin bin Destruction, but an unbelievable fire burns in bin Destruction's eyes and he rolls out of Theldorrin's reach. "By the mighty beards of Moses, Jesus and Mohammed, I will show you the folly of your disbelief in the one true God!" Bin Destruction leaps to the air, his muscles rippling like never before, so much so that VEINS BURST AND BLOOD RUNS DOWN HIS BICEPS. "My muslim brothers in heaven, guide my flight! 9/11!" Bin Destruction's arms spread, he comes down, tears running down his cheeks and mix with his blood. Theldorrin crosses his arms to parry, but it's not enough as bin Destruction crashes through and sends him to the turnbuckle. He's in unbelievable pain, as he miraculously survives the impact, and punches Theldorrin's mask with enough speed to create sonic booms.

"Ridiculous," Theldorrin mutters to himself. Theldorrin grabs bin Destruction's head and with tremendous pressure, the sound of Destruction's skull cracking is audible. Blood runs down his ears. When bin Destruction finally falls to his knees, Theldorrin spins around, still gripping the Muslim's head. Blood spatters all over the canvas. Finally, Theldorrin lets go and bin Destruction goes flying miles, landing in the ocean.

J.R.: I don't believe it! Bin Destruction landed beyond even the vast Forest of Grisly Rape! I don't think he's coming back any time soon!

T.S.: He sure landed in a good place to wash off the stench of camel shit and defeat!
Ryoko's Biatch
Joined: 04 Jan 2007
Posts: 9255
(Sat Jan 20, 2007 5:49 pm)
Reply

Post     Re: FTUW KING SHIT OF FUCK MOUNTAIN (#5)

Chief Fisting Falcon stares down his opponent. "I have great respect for Japanese warriors, but I will crush you with my bare hands." At the last word, Kaze thrusts his bamboo staff directly at Fisting Falcon's chest. Without flinching, Fisting Falcon palms the staff, shattering it.

"What is this?" the Chief asks when he notices the tip of a sword going through his hand.

"Heh, I suppose you know my real specialty now, the sword. Prepare for death!"

-------------------------------------

J.R.: Well, folks, this one here promises to be a real slobberknocker!

T.S.: That's right, J.R.! We have the two most intoxicated fighters in the history of anything!

J.R.: Puff Ryder vs. Jack "Jim Beam" Daniels! You have to wonder what sorts of tactics these two wrestlers will use against another wrestler with a similar style, Tony.

T.S.: Last time I got drunk, I cried myself to sleep because I live such a sad, pitiful life.

J.R.: That's true.

Puff Ryder and Jack "Jim Beam" Daniels enter the ring, waiting for the voice of Commissioner James Brock McHarris to announce the match type. As they wait, Puff Ryder exhales a puff of weed smoke in the form of Ricky Williams and Jack Daniels shakes up a container of ULTRAHOL, ready to shotgun it the second the bell rings. Suddenly, McHarris' voice booms out over the speakers, "This is a very interesting match-up for the FTUW fans. On our message boards, this has been discussed quite a bit, with a lot of strong opinions on each side. So I had to come up with a type of match that would live up to the hype that has been brewing - pun intended - for months. So, my warriors, without further ado, I declare this fight a RING OF FIRE MATCH."

A crew of FTUW technicians in flame retardant gear circle the ring and rub the ropes in some kind of jelly substance.

Commissioner McHarris continues, "The ropes will be set on fire. Of course, you're asking yourselves, 'So what?' Well, that's not all! Each of these specialized FTUW technicians is equipped with flame throwers programmed to fire at random intervals. So keep your eyes pealed, my warriors. It would be a shame if any more of you died."

J.R.: Bah gawd, Tony! This is insanity. Only in the blender match was death such a likely end for our competitors!

T.S.: I'll never look at liquids the same way again! And Jack Daniels is at a disadvantage here, he's a walking bomb out there!

J.R.: Yes, but he can also use the flammable Ultrahol as a weapon against Puff Ryder!

Puff Ryder looks over to Ricky Williams, who, even in smoke form, uses the burning ropes to light a blunt. "See, Rasheed, this is an advantage for you! This is the worlds largest hash pipe! Smoke up, my nigga." Jack looks slightly worried, but after downing his first Ultrahol, he regains his normally relaxed demeanor. He slaps his head to psych himself up and the bell rings!

Right away, a flame shoots off next to Puff Ryder who jumps away. "Goddamn!" While still shocked, Jack rushes up and gives Puff Ryder a spinning back fist, knocking him to the floor. "Remember what I told you ealier, Rasheed," Ricky tells him, "You know what you have to do!" From the mat, Puff Ryder pulls out a one hitter of his strongest shit, lights it on the ropes and inhales deeply. Jack, tired of waiting, kicks Puff Ryder in the ribs, sending him flying against the ropes. Puff Ryder REBOUNDS and as Jack winds up to deliver another powerful blow, a cloud of WEED SMOKE HITS HIM IN THE FACE. It's so thick he can't help but breathe it in. Fortunately, Jack is able to cough most of it before it can affect him and he staggers to the other end of the ring. Unable to waste good weed, Puff Ryder inhales the cloud.

"Fly, nigga, fly! That redneck is coming!" Jack rushes again, hoping to end the match before he gets roasted alive, gives Puff Ryder a punishing blow to the midsection, knocking the wind out of him.

J.R.: This is a strategy I'm surprised more fighters don't employ against Puff Ryder! Without the ability to breathe, he can't use his most punishing marijuana-based attacks!

Jack grins stupidly as Puff Ryder falls to his knees. "Goddamn!" Right on cue, a torch flies directly at Jack, forcing him to retreat. He knows a direct hit on his Ultrahol bandoliers would be costly. Just then he realizes the regular Ultrahol isn't powerful enough. "I shoulda done finished this by now, my tolerance is gettin' higher than that danged darkie," Jack thinks to himself. He pulls out the next level of Ultrahol, something his pa told him not to use until at least the third round. "But I gotta, I just ain't drunk enough, Pa."

Just then an idea comes to Jack. Puff Ryder gets to his feet and pulls out a joint to make sure his lungs are at full capacity again. As he looks up, he sees Jack Daniels down two more containers of Ultrahol!

T.S.: I haven't seen someone drink like that since Scott Hall and I had a drinking contest and then Kevin Nash sodomized me while I was unable to fight back!

J.R.: Do you even think before you talk?

Jack Daniels starts punching himself in the stomach. Puff Ryder, confused by this display, has his leg burned by a flame thrower. "Goddamn! This shits is crazy!" Hopping over to Jack, he pulls out his Omni-Bong and yells out," POWER BONG EXTEND!" He catapults himself high into the air and prepares for a flying leg drop. Right as it connects, JACK DANIELS FUCKING VOMITS on Puff Ryder's chest. Jack is delirious from a combination of the attack and the vomiting. He crawls on his knees as puke dribbles down his chin. Puff Ryder flips out and starts kicking the shit out of Jack Daniels. "You motherfucker, this was a new Mike Vick jersey! It cost me more than your motherfuckin' drunk, redneck ass is worth!" Jack takes the punishment without feeling much of it. He shrugs off the bruised and broken ribs as he regains his composure. Without warning, he leaps up and shoulder blocks Puff Ryder into the air, who is able to land on his feet in time for Jack to kick him in the face and cause him to do A FUCKING BACKFLIP ONTO THE TOP ROPE. As he makes contact, the vomit bursts into a fireball and no matter how much Puff Ryder rolls on the ground, the fire won't go out! Finally, he just rips off the jersey and throws it to the side.

"Aw damn, nigga, did I ever tell you about the time Michael Vick and me were smoking some sticky ass buds and ..." the spirit of Ricky Williams begins. Puff Ryder, unable to contain his anger, yells out, "RAAAAAAAAAAGH! MOTHERFUCKER!" HIS HAIR GROWS AND RISES UP, TWISTING INTO DREADLOCKS, THE CLOUD CONTAINING RICKY WILLIAMS' IMAGE IS BLOWN THE FUCK AWAY BY MASSIVE KI. "Wha ... huh?" is all Jack Daniels can manage as he shields his eyes from the blinding light.

Puff Ryder flies into the ring at blinding speed, punching with unbridled power. Jack absorbs the blows, but for the first time since he began his journey of the ultimate intoxicated warrior he feels pain. Hoping to end the onslaught, he attempts to vomit again BUT PUFF RYDER BLOWS A CLOUD OF WEED SMOKE INTO HIS FACE AND THE MARIJUANA STIFLES HIS ABILITY TO BECOME NAUSEOUS. A vicious punch to the jaw makes blood fly into the rope, Jack's blood-alcohol level making it burst into flames before even touching the rope. Jack spins and falls to the mat. With a look of fear in his eyes he asks, "What da hell are you?"

Puff Ryder replies, "Hero to potheads, NIGHTMARE TO YOU!" Puff Ryder uppercuts Jack into the air and thoughts and memories flood into his mind. "Pa ... I know I can't trust you, but I'm sorry for failing you. Ma ... I'm going to see you again soon. I'm just happy that man won't get hold of me. Goodbye." Jack Daniels hits the mat and blacks out.

As Daniels fades out of consciousness, Puff Ryder falls to the ground, his Super Rasta power draining all of the THC from his blood, he reverts back to Rasheed. "I did it. Momma, I did it!" As Rasheed celebrates, Jack Daniels rises to his feet, his eyes rolled back into his head. He kicks the small Negro boy in the head and picks him up by the neck. "But ... no ... I did it ... Momma ..." As Jack Daniels holds the boy aloft, a flame thrower hits Rasheed in the back, setting him ablaze. Throwing the burning boy out of the ring, Jack passes out and falls to his face.

J.R.: Somehow, Jack Daniels managed to pull this one out! It's over folks, Jack Daniels is your winner!
Ryoko's Biatch
Joined: 04 Jan 2007
Posts: 9255
(Sat Jan 20, 2007 5:50 pm)
Reply

Post     Re: FTUW KING SHIT OF FUCK MOUNTAIN (#5)

Schiavone: I don’t know if I can take much more of this, J.R.!

J.R.: Hold onto your seat, Tony, because we are now going to see the CULMINATION of one of the bloodiest, hate-filled feuds I’ve ever seen. That’s right, folks, IT’S TOITY VS. SAKETUMI II!

Schiavone: Saketumi and Toity faced off at Night of 1000 D’Los and although the referee deemed it to dangerous for Ryakku to continue, many feel that Toity didn’t actually win the match!

J.R.: Despite the win added to his record, even Toity himself didn’t consider it a victory. Both men have been going through hellacious training for this tournament. But I can’t help but think they’ve been waiting for, more than anything else, a REMATCH! And this time, I hate to say it, no one is going to stop the match if it gets too ugly!

Schiavone: That’s what makes this federation so great, J.R.! They’re going to kill each other!

The camera pans over what seems to be the ruins of some ancient, Aztec-like temple. Vines are grown-over the temple walls, the decorative faces etched into the temple wall, some so worn down it is undistinguishable what they were originally supposed to be. A cascading waterfall behind the temple adds a serene quality to this nightmarish island. The camera zooms into a FTUW ring placed directly in the middle of the area, its modern features contrasting with the jungle-like environment. In the background, we see a large, metal gate. Above the gate we can make out the ever-imposing Fuck Mountain, where the winner of this event will be headed next.

Schiavone: I can barely hear myself over my heart beating.

J.R.: I wish I couldn’t hear you, either!

Schiavone: Very funny!

J.R.: But you’re right, this place is already ominous enough, but there’s energy in the air. A weird sense of dread.

Right on key, both combatants enter the area from opposite sides. Despite their lavish entrances at Night of 1000 D’Los, they both enter alone, their faces emotionless. The referee in the middle of the ring is nervous, his appearance there merely a formality. This isn’t a wrestling match, it’s a fight to the death.

In sync, both Saketumi and Toity enter the ring, stepping through the ropes, their eyes transfixed on each other.

J.R.: These two men couldn’t have come from more different worlds. And now they face off, a past of aggression and destructive conflict, but most importantly AMBITION … have led these two men to the BIGGEST STAGE IN THE WORLD.

Schiavone: The Burning Wolf versus the Baron! East versus West! These two men have pushed each other past their own limits, bringing themselves into the realm of SUPER BEINGS LIKE HANDSOMUS and THELDORRIN!

Ryakku Saketumi and Hoity von Toity approach each other, no hesitation in their steps, until they meet face to face. Saketumi’s OILY POMPADOUR NEARLY TOUCHING THE BARON’S BRONZED SKIN. Toity’s FINELY-TRIMMED HANDLEBAR MUSTACHE BARELY HIDING THE LOOK OF HELLISH DETERMINATION ON HIS FACE. Time seems to stop as those two super beings standing there, their immense fighting powers clashing casting a slight HEAT HAZE over the ring. Outside the ring, blades of grass are leaning away from the ring, no doubt PUSHED BY THE IMMENSE ENERGIES.

The referee signals for the bell.

Schiavone: HERE WE GO, J.R.!

J.R.: SAKETUMI VERSUS TOITY! THIS DEATH MATCH HAS BEGUN!

Instantly, as the bell rings, both opponents LAUNCH VICIOUS PUNCHES. In slow-motion, their fists DRIFT BY EACH OTHER UNTIL THEY REACH THE FACES OF THEIR OPPONENTS! Time speeds back up AND A VICIOUS SHOCKWAVE CRASHES FROM THE SIMULTANEOUS BLOWS, ROCKETING BACK BOTH MEN, SENDING THEM FLYING INTO THE ROPES!

J.R.: BAH GAWD, IT’S ALREADY STARTED! THIS IS A GODDAMNED SLOBBERKNOCKER!

The immense energy released from the blow, ENERGY THEY SAVED UP DURING THEIR STAREDOWN, raises into the sky like STEAM. AS THEY HIT THE ROPES, THEY ARE REBOUNDED LIKE THEY WERE SHOT FROM A GUN, FLYING BACK INTO EACH OTHER, FISTS COCKED!

BOOOOOM!!

THEIR BLOWS CONNECT AND ONCE AGAIN THEY ARE FLUNG AWAY FROM EACH OTHER, FROM THE EXPLOSION THEY CAUSED WITH THEIR PUNCHES, AND ARE SENT CAREENING INTO OPPOSITE TURNBUCKLES! The RINGPOSTS BEND AT THE FORCE OF THE COLLISION and the two opponents BOUNCE LIFELESSLY OFF THE TURNBUCKLES! THIS LASTS ONLY FOR A SECOND AS THEY BOTH SNAP BACK TO LIFE, LAND ON THEIR KNEES, SLAM THEIR FISTS INTO THE GROUND AND CAST A BURNING GAZE AT EACH OTHER!

Elsewhere, we see the battered and beaten duo, Kazuki and Tanaka, staring into a big screen television broadcasting the war. Their mouths agape, their bodies motionless, THEIR EYES DRY, SO AFRAID TO BLINK AND MISS SOMETHING IN THIS CLIMACTIC BATTLE.

“Tanaka …” Kuzuki says in a hushed tone.

“What is it, Kuzuki-kun?” Tanaka replies, not turning away from television.

“Saketumi-sama,” sweat runs down his forehead, “he really is … a demon …”

J.R.: They are going to tear this goddamned ring apart!

Both men stand up and approach each other carefully, Toity crouched down in a wrestling stance while Saketumi raises his fists in a pseudo-boxing stance. They wait patiently, LOOKING FOR WEAKNESSES, HOLES IN THE ARMOR OF THEIR OPPONENT’S POWERFUL DEFENSES! As expected, despite his intense training, SAKETUMI’S BURNING SPIRIT CAN’T BE HELD BACK ANY LONGER! HE LAUNCHES INTO THE FRAY, THROWING WHAT SEEMS LIKE HUNDREDS OF PUNCHES AT HIS OPPONENT. SAKETUMI DEFTLY DODGES THEM, but not arrogantly. It’s quite apparent it’s TAKING ALL HIS CONCENTRATION TO DODGE THOSE ATTACKS!

“ORA ORA ORA ORA!” Saketumi SCREAMS, LAUNCHING HIS PISTON-LIKE FISTS AT THE TRILLIONAIRE WARRIOR, “TAKE THIS! ORYYAAA!!”

A KICK GRAZES TOITY’S CHEEK, DRAWING A SLIGHT AMOUNT OF BLOOD. TOITY RESPONDS WITH A SHOULDER TACKLE, stopping Saketumi’s assault. Saketumi ATTEMPTS TO LAUNCH A VICIOUS HEADBUTT but TOITY SENDS HIM TO THE MAT WITH AN ARM DRAG! Saketumi spits, curses his foolishness and KIPS TO HIS FEET- AND GETS BIG BOOTED IN THE FUCKING FACE!

J.R.: Toity’s mixed up his offense!

Toity lifts Saketumi by his uniform AND HITS A NORTHERN LIGHTS SUPLEX! The referee, too stunned at the AMAZING FIGHT, FORGETS TO COUNT THE PIN FOR A SECOND!

ONE! TW- SAKETUMI KICKS OUT!

Toity grits his teeth, muttering a curse, AND PULLING SAKETUMI BACK UP TO HIS FEET! TOITY WRAPS HIS ARMS TIGHTLY AROUND SAKETUMI’S BODY, TRAPPING HIS LIMBS, AND THEN PLACES HIS HEAD ON HIS SHOULDER TO PREVENT A HEADBUTT COUNTER-ATTACK. RYAKKU DOESN’T HESITATE AND STOMPS ON TOITY’S FEET, SMASHING HIS TOES THROUGH HIS LEATHER BOOTS.

J.R.: It’s turning it a good ol’ fashioned slobberknocker!

SAKETUMI DOES A GUTS POSE AND BREAKS FREE FROM THE CLINCH! While Toity is stunned, The Burning Wolf launches A FLURRY OF FISTS! Despite HIS FOOTWORK BEING REDUCED, HE MANAGES TO AVOID MOST OF THE BLOWS!

J.R.: I gotta give him credit. He’s a dirty sonuvabitch but he’s a brilliant fighter!

SAKETUMI PULLS BACK, LOWERS HIS WEIGHT ON HIS BACK LEG, and pulls back HIS FIST. WITH EXTREME VELOCITY, AS IF HE WERE THROWING A BASEBALL, HURLS HIS PUNCH AT TOITY! Toity steps back to dodge the ATTACK, KNOWING THAT HIS OUTSTRETCHED ARM CAN ONLY TRAVEL SO FAR, BUT FINDS HIMSELF HITTING THE ROPES!

“W-What?!” Toity gasps.

“USE YOUR ENVIRONMENT!” SAKETUMI SCREAMS, thinking back to his ninja training.

THE FIST COLLIDES WITH TOITY’S FOREARMS, WRAPPING AROUND HIS HEAD AS A LAST-DITCH EFFORT! TOITY’S HEELS DIG INTO THE MAT FROM THE FORCE, and THE ENERGY FROM THE BLOW PASSES THROUGH HIS LIMBS AND OUT HIS BACK, EXPELLING AND CAUSE THE ROPES TO STRETCH AWAY FROM THE FORCE!

Schiavone: Oh shit! Is he dead?!

“It’s not over!” Saketumi shouts. WITH THAT, HE VANISHES FROM THE STUNNED TOITY’S VISION! His confusion is short-lived as he senses a deadly power below him. HIS EYES TRACE DOWN, EXPECTING TO SEE SAKETUMI CROUCHED, POWERING AN UPPERCUT, BUT HE REMAINS UNSEEN! Saketumi isn’t even in the ring!

J.R.: What the hell?! Where did he go?

Schiavone: We blinked and missed it, J.R.!

“Mr. Sakai taught me how to sense fighting energy,” Toity thinks to himself, “but he never told me anything about re-directing it! Is this some sort of trick?”

The energy that TOITY SENSE GROWS LARGER and THE MAT BELOW HIM BEGINS TO SWELL! IN AN EXPLOSION, SAKETUMI EMERGES THROUGH THE FUCKING RING FLOOR, FOOT OUTSTRETCHED! HIS GODDAMNED FOOT KICKS TOITY IN THE JAW, LAUNCHING HIM TWENTY FEET IN THE AIR! AS HE SAILS UPWARD, BLOOD DRIPS FROM HIS MOUTH, LEAVING A TRAIL THAT SAKETUMI FOLLOWS AS HE LEAPS STRAIGHT UP INTO THE SKY OFF A RINGPOST!

J.R: BAH GAWD! BAH GAWD!

TOITY GAINS HIS BEARING AND REALIZES HE’S HOVERING OVER THE RING HE WAS JUST STANDING ON. SAKETUMI, IN A FLASH, APPEARS UNDER HIM, TRAILING HIS MID-AIR MOVEMENTS LIKE A SHADOW!

“It’s not as satisfying as just beating your ass …,” Saketumi whispers into Toity’s ear, “but I WON’T LOSE TO YOU AGAIN!

WITH THAT, SAKETUMI LAUNCHES A MUAY-THAI ESQUE KNEE INTO TOITY’S SPINE, SENDING HIM EVEN HIGHER! Saketumi, however, HAS A FIRM GRIP ON HIS SINGLET’S SLEEVE! THE STRETCHING BUILDS UP ENERGY. Toity turns his head, seeing Saketumi, MID-AIR, PULLING BACK HIS HAND. He’s going to REBOUND HIM into HIS PUNCH, MULTIPLYING THE DAMAGE!

“You won’t … continue … TO MAKE ME LOOK LIKE A FOOL!!” TOITY SHOUTS!

He flashes back to his training with Nobuo Sakai. A large boulder is hurled at the diminutive Japanese man who destroys it with his index finger.

“kekeke, tat is anshent powa of ki reevuhrse,” Sakai spouts through his giant buckteeth, “take ki of strawng heero and smash thim in fayce lik raping smal boy. is lovly fun!”

AS THE FIST SOARS TOWARDS TOITY’S SKULL, HIS EYES CAN CATCH A SMALL GLIMMER OF SAKETUMI’S KI, SO STRONG THAT IT’S ACTUALLY VISIBLE NOW! TIME SLOWS. THE BURNING WOLF THROWS ALL HIS ENERGY INTO THE PUNCH AT TOITY IS PULLED TOWARDS THE FIST! J.R. turns away slightly, EXPECTING THE IMPACT TO BE LIKE TWO CARS COLLIDING AT 100 MPH! A GARBLED “ORA” ESCAPES FROM SAKETUMI’S LIPS! AS THE FIST COMES CLOSER TO TOITY’S FACE, TOITY FUCKING HEADBUTTS IT!!

J.R.: BAH GAWD! BAAAAH GAAAWD!!

SCHIAVONE: HOLY SHIT!! SAKETUMI’S OWN MOVE?!

“SAKETUMI-SAMAAAAA!!” TANAKA CRIES, gripping at the edges of the TV!

THE MASSIVE KI IS RELEASED FROM THE IMPACT AS STEAM. SAKETUMI’S EXPRESSION IS OF ONE OF HORROR. AS THE STEAMS CLEARS, SAKETUMI PULLS BACK HIS FEET TO SHOW TOITY BEAMING A MASSIVE GRIN, FINALLY FINDING THE WEAPON TO DESTROY HIS MOST HATED ENEMY. TOITY SEEMS ESTACTIC, HIS EYES DISPLAYING A DERANGED JOY.

Saketumi’s eyes travel down from Toity’s face to his own arm. He gazes at it for a few seconds, breathless. WITH A THUNDEROUS CRACK, HIS ARMS BREAKS. SAKETUMI LOOKS BACK AT TOITY, WHO’S HANDS ARE CLENCHED TOGETHER HIGH ABOVE HIS HEAD.

“W-What … the … hell?” those words escape from Saketumi’s mouth as AN UNGODLY AXE HANDLE CRASHES DOWN ON SAKETUMI’S SKULL!

SCHIAVONE: FUCK! HE FUCKING KILLED HIM!

J.R. can only vomit uncontrollably in response.

Like a cannonball, SAKETUMI CRASHES INTO THE RING, NEARLY CAUSING THE THING TO COLLAPSE IN ON ITSELF. Through his hazy vision, he stares up at the sun. Soon, the sun is blacked out completely, AS TOITY SAILS DOWN AND STOMPS DIRECTLY ON SAKETUMI’S FUCKING STOMACH!

“GRAAAAKK!!” SAKETUMI GROANS, CHOKING UP BLOOD. BARON HOITY VON TOITY STANDS ON THE WRECKED JAPANESE MAN, MUSCLES FLEXING. His arrogance has returned, his smile wide.

J.R.: Oh … oh God.

Schiavone: He’s dead. He has to be.

Toity continues to pose on the Japanese man before darting his head over to the horrified referee.

“Are you not going to count? Am I mistaken in thinking this is a wrestling match?” Toity sneers, “Hurry and diminish your uselessness, declare me the victor.”

“B-But …” the referee stammers, sweating profusely.

“But what? Spit it out,” Toity replies.

“He’s not there …”

SHOCK WASHES OVER TOITY’S FACE. HE LOOKS DOWN, HALF-AFRAID OF WHAT HE’LL SEE, AND REALIZES HE’S STANDING ON A PILE OF LOGS.

“F-F-F-F” TOITY’S CHOKING ON THE WORDS, TREMBLING.

J.R.: I … uh … WHAT?!

Elsewhere, Kuzuki takes an action pose, CLENCHING HIS FIST!

“KAWARIMI NO JUTSU!” he shouts, “UROSEI! OF COURSE!”

“N-N-Nani?!” replies Tanaka.

”That’s where he was, Tanaka-fatty. HE WAS BECOMING A NINJA!!”

“F-f-f-“ Toity stuttering, TURNING HIS HEAD TO SEE SAKETUMI DIVING AT HIM, HIS DEAD ARM DANGLING BEHIND HIM BUT HIS STOMACH NOT DESTROYED!

”F-F-FUUUUCCKK YOUUU!!” TOITY SCREAMS AS SAKETUMI’S GODDAMNED FUCKING HAND GOES INTO HIS MOUTH AND NEARLY DOWN HIS FUCKING THROAT!!

SAKETUMI’S EYES ARE POPPING OUT OVER HIS EPICANTHIC FOLDS, A DEEP, DARK RAGE TAKING HIM OVER! HE WITHDRAWS HIS HAND FROM TOITY’S MOUTH, SOME TEETH ATTACHED TO HIS KNUCKLES. With that, SAKETUMI TAKES A FIRM STANCE, AND BEGINS BEATING THE HOLY SHIT OF TOITY WITH ONE ARM!

J.R.: I CAN’T BELIEVE IT! THIS ONE ISN’T OVER! NOT OVER BY A LONGSHOT!

BODY BLOW! UPPERCUT! HOOK! EACH BLOW CAUSES SAKETUMI’S LIMP ARM TO JERK WITH THE BLOW, DANGLING FROM HIS SHOULDER LIKE A CORPSE IN A NOOSE. All the work being done with one arm, Toity is STILL REELING FROM THAT LAST ATTACK TO DEFEND HIMSELF!

“OSU! OSSU!! OSSSU!!!” TANAKA SHOUTS AT THE TELEVISION! In the background, KUZUKI IS SWINGING HIS ARM IN A CIRCLE AND SCREAMING.

Saketumi HURLS AN UPPERCUT AT THE DAMAGED TOITY, his face beaten badly and BLOOD POURING FROM HIS MOUTH! THE UPPERCUT COMES TO TOITY’S CHIN- AND MISSES! TOITY’S EYES SPRING TO LIFE AND HE DIVES FORWARD!

“Grrrrlllaaah!!” he screams, becoming an INSTINCT-DRIVEN MONSTER, the complete opposite of what he is DAY-TO-DAY! HE SPITS BLOOD INTO SAKETUMI’S EYES, BLINDING HIM! From Ryakku’s point of view, everything is black. SUDDENLY, HE FEELS HIS STOMACH BEING ROCKED, and his feet no longer touching the ground.

“FOOL! YOU CAN’T BEAT ME! IT’S IMPOSSIBLE! I’M BARON HOITY … VON … TOIIITTY!!” HE SHOUTS AS RAKKYU HOVERS ABOVE THE RING SLIGHTLY FROM A POWERFUL SOLAR-PLEXES BLOW. Before Ryakku can react, TOITY EXECUTES A SUPER KICK, KNOCKING THE ALREADY FLOATING BURNING WOLF OUT OF THE RING AND INTO THE CLIFFSIDE!

“Hahh … hahh … hahh … hahh …” Toity is panting heavily, leaning forward on his knees, watching drops of blood quickly form a pool on the mat below his face. He turns his head back to Saketumi’s position TO SEE HIM STANDING UPRIGHT, BLEEDING FROM THE HEAD, BUT HIS SPIRIT NOT WANING!

“Errrrraagh!!” TOITY SHOUTS, LEAPING OVER THE TOP-ROPE TO THE OUTSIDE. Saketumi rushes down the Cliffside and they both MEET, EXCHANGING BLOWS. They step back for a second, THEN DASH AT EACH OTHER, GRAPPLING, INTERLOCKING THEIR FISTS!

“Despite what a piece of shit you are …” Saketumi smirks, BLOOD COVERING YOUR FEATURES, “You’re the strongest man I ever met!”

“Hmph!” Toity replies, “Begging for mercy?!”

TOITY, USING HIS EXPERT WRESTLING PROWESS, GETS HIM IN POSITION FOR A POWERBOMB- AND JUMPS INTO THE AIR! ONCE FIVE FEET OFF THE GROUND, HE HURLS SAKETUMI NECK-FIRST INTO THE GROUND, CAUSING HIM TO COLLAPSE IN A HEAP ON THE GROUND!

“Get up. There won’t be a rematch …” Toity says.

Saketumi opens his eyes and smiles. For the first time in their long feud, they feel a brief comradery, a mutual respect forms.

“I know.”

J.R.: I can’t believe it, folks! AFTER THIS HELL, THEY ARE STILL CONTINUING! STILL FIGHTING!

Saketumi jumps to his feet and they begin clashing again. Uppercut! Hook! They take their blows and walk them off! A symphony of violence accompanies their performance, this relationship built from hate, STRENGTHENED BY RESPECT. PUSHING EACH OTHER TO LIMITS THEY COULDN’T HAVE REACHED BEFORE.

“I always thought I was tough …” Saketumi thinks, taking a knee to his face.

“I had everything but I couldn’t stop trying to prove myself … why?” Toity thinks as an elbow drives into his jaw.

“But this …” Saketumi thinks, “is completely different.”

“Strength …” Toity thinks.

“What is strength?” Saketumi thinks, laying on the ground, before springing back to his feet.

“All this time … it’s been my goal,” Toity thinks.

“If I can win …”

“If I can beat him …”

”I’LL KNOW WHAT STRENGTH IS!!”

THEIR FISTS BURY THEMSELVES IN THEIR OPPONET’S FACES! THEY BOTH STAND THERE, AT THE UNHOLY BATTLEGROUND, UNMOVING FROM THE SIMULTANEOUS ATTACK.

J.R.: WHO WILL FALL?!

TOITY KNEES BUCKLES. HE BEGINS TO FALL. FALL. CONSCIOUSNESS SLIPS FROM HIM. HE’S INCHES AWAY FROM THE GROUND AND … AND HE STOPS! HE CATCHES HIMSELF! SAKETUMI, STILL STANDING FROM THE BLOW, WATCHES HIM STUMBLE TO HIS FEET … AND TOITY KICKS HIM IN THE STOMACH!

“IT’S OVER!!” HE SHOUTS, LOCKING HIM IN THE TIGER-LOCK SUPLEX POSITION! HE BENDS HIS KNEES, AND WITH A MIGHTY GRUNT, HE LEAPS TWENTY FEET INTO THE FUCKING HAIR! HE WRAPS HIS LEGS AROUND THE BURNING WOLF, RESTRICTING HIS MOVEMENT. SAKETUMI STRUGGLES, HIS HEAD AIMING FOR THE DIRT BELOW, BUT HE CAN’T BREAK FREE! THEY CRASH INTO THE GROUND, CAUSING A GIANT CLOUD OF DUST TO EMERGE FROM THE CRATER!

J.R.: THE FORTUNE 206! THE FORTUNE 206! BAH GAWD!! BAH GAWD!!

“SAKETUMI-SAMAAAA!!” KUZUKI AND TANAKA SHOUT.

As the dust clears, Toity looks bewildered, sweating pouring down his face. The Burning Wolf is in a heap on the ground, bleeding profusely from the head, his body looking mangled. TOITY STARES AT HIS OWN DOING WITH FEAR.

“Where is it?! WHERE IS THAT SPIRIT NOW?! WHERE IS IT?!” Toity shouts maniacally, almost in tears from the IMMENSE AMOUNT OF ADRENALINE AND SURGE OF EMOTIONS.

“I’VE BEATEN YOU!” Toity shouts at Saketumi’s unmoving body, “Hahaha … hahahaha … HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!”

TOITY FALLS TO HIS KNEES, LAUGHING, SPURTING BLOOD WITH EVERY CACKLE. HE’S LOST IT. HE’S GONE COMPLETELY FUCKING INSANE!

“I WIN!!” HE SHOUTS, LAYING ON TOP OF SAKETUMI. THE REFEREE, IN NEAR TEARS, FALLS TO THE MAT.

OOOOOONE!!

“Kuso! KUSO!! HE’S DEAD!”

J.R.: I can’t believe it … I don’t know what to say …

Schiavone: There’s only one thing to say. TOITY WINS.

TWOOOOOO!!

“Uroseiiii … I feel sick … I lost all my energy …” Kuzuki collapses to his knees, “Saketumi-sama … I’m sorry …”

“K-K-Ku-kuzukiiii …” Tanaka sobs uncontrollably, “W-What’s happening … ?”

Kuzuki looks up and sees an orb of energy floating between them.

The scene switches to Yuki, Hibashira, and Kaze … Saketumi’s defenders, laying on the ground along with the Trillionaire’s Club, all beaten to shit from the insane, all-out brawl.

“What the hell … am I dieing?” Hibashira coughs.

“My energy … I’m losing my energy …” Yuki adds.

"That's because you let that negro bang the shit out of you," says Hibashira.

“Don’t you see? It’s Saketumi,” Saketumi

“What!?” Hibashira shouts.

“He’s the hero of Japan, right? Now he needs Japan.”

THE SCENE SWITCHES TO JAPAN, PEOPLE EVERYWHERE ARE FALLING TO THE GROUND, ENERGY BEING SAPPED FROM THEM. FIRST CONFUSED, THEY REALIZE WHAT’S HAPPENING, FEELING THE POWER OF SAKETUMI INSIDE THEM. The young man beaten by the G.I.s SHOUTS AT THE SKY, “OSU! LET’S DO IT EVERYONE!”

“OSU!!” A SOBA SHOP OWNER SHOUTS!

”OSU!!” A GROUP OF YOKOZUNA SHOUT!

“OSU!! OSSU!! OSSU!!” THE PEOPLE OF JAPAN LEND THEIR ENERGY TO THE BURNING WOLF, RYAKKU SAKETUMI!

“Tch, can’t do anything by yourself, nyooo … “ Kuroda Saito says, a yakuza in Saketumi’s group.

“OSU! OSSU!! OSSSUUUU!!” TANAKA AND KUZUKI SAY, EMBRACING EACH OTHER, CRYING!

THR-!!

A FUCKING GIANT BOLT OF GLOWING ENERGY STRIKES TOITY AND SAKETUMI! TOITY IS UNFAZED BY THE BOLT, THE ENERGY COMPLETELY PASSING THROUGH HIM, BUT HE STANDS UP REALIZING SOMETHING IS HORRIBLY WRONG.

“W-W-What the hell …” he says, staring at the PULSING SAKETUMI, BATHED IN KI. SMOKE POURS FROM HIS WOUNDS, HIS BONES HEAL, THE POWER OF JAPAN BREATHING NEW LIFE INTO HIM!

HIS EYES SNAP OPEN. HIS POMPADOUR STRAIGHTENS, CHARGED WITH ENERGY.

“OSSSUUU!!!” HE SCREAMS, STANDING UP, HIS ENERGY COLLECTING INTO THE SHAPE OF SAMURAI ARMOR! THE FIERY BLUE ENERGY FORMS OVER HIS HEAD IN THE SHAPE OF THE JAPANESE FLAG!

“WHY?! WHY ARE YOU SO STRONG!” TOITY SCREAMS AT HIM.

The fire-clad samurai warrior responds, “You fight only for yourself. I FIGHT FOR JAPAN!!”

WITH THAT, SAKETUMI CHARGES, THE INHUMAN BLUE ENERGY STILL BURNING FROM HIM! TOITY TRIES TO ESCAPE, BUT CAN’T. HIS BACK HITS A TREE AS THE DEMONIC BEAST CHARGES AT HIM! SAKETUMI GATHERS ALL THE ENERGY IN HIS BODY INTO THE CENTER OF HIS FOREHEAD! THEY ARE FACE TO FACE, SAKETUMI SLAMS HIS HEAD INTO TOITY’S SKULL, LIGHT BATHES THE AREA, ILLUMINATING IT UNTIL IT’S BLINDING! THE TREE BEHIND TOITY EXPLODES, THE FOREST BEHIND BLOWN AWAY BY THE FORCE SHORTLY AFTER!

The smoke clears. Saketumi is laying on top of Toity, both of their bodies smoking.

OOOOONNNEEE!! TWOOOOOOOO!! THREEEEEEE!!

J.R.: SAKETUMI WINS! SAKETUMI WINS! BAH GAWD! BAH GAWD! HE DID IT! HE DID IT!

SCHIAVONE: HOLY SHIT!
Ryoko's Biatch
Joined: 04 Jan 2007
Posts: 9255
(Sat Jan 20, 2007 5:50 pm)
Reply

Post     Re: FTUW KING SHIT OF FUCK MOUNTAIN (#5)

T.S.: Here we are, J.R.! This is the match-up everyone out there watching KING SHIT OF FUCK MOUNTAIN has been waiting for! Theldorrin XIV versus Handsomus R. Awesome!

J.R.: Indeed, Tony. Ever since Theldorrin made it known that he was back in action after his apparent death in the legendary LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT battle royal we've wondered what would happen when these two finally had a chance to meet in a sanctioned FTUW event! We join our two Superstars at the base of this disgustingly large penis.

Theldorrin XIV shows his burning red fists to Handsomus R. Awesome to mock him. "Theldorrin, you don't know how to control rockatricity. Not that I should care, but you'll probably destroy yourself."

"Didn't I once tell you that I'm immortal? If I'm struck down by my own power, I'll return."

"Then I'll have to make sure you don't," Awesome announces and jumps up the side of the mountain. He gets a grip on a giant vein and punches his fist through the wall. Lava pours out and Theldorrin barely jumps out of the way. Theldorrin begins his ascent. Handsomus finds a platform and pulls part of the rock from the wall. The rock, the size of Fancy Lala, is hurled at Theldorrin with superhuman accuracy, but it's for nothing as rockatricity makes it explode. Theldorrin speeds up his climbing to get to the platform that Handsomus stands on and just as he reaches it, Handsomus jumps to the next one.

"Don't be afraid, my dear spaceman," Theldorrin mocks. Theldorrin leaps up to where Handsomus stands, just short, and grips the ledge. Handsomus, seeing his chance, kicks down, heel first, and his spur pierces Theldorrin's gauntled and pins it to the mountain. Handsomus twists his boot and breaks the spur off, hoping to stop or at least slow down Theldorrin. "You still remember how close you were to going over the edge, don't you?"

"I'm just doing my part to save the world from you, Theldorrin. Those Chinese children didn't deserve to die! And I can't let you terrorize the American people who have shown me so much love and respect!"

J.R.: That Handsomus is quite a class act.

T.S.: He makes me want to put on my leather chaps and play guitar at a gay dance club!

The rockatricity from Theldorrin's hand makes the spur melt and he pulls himself up with ease. Handsomus cocks his fist back and punches Theldorrin in the face, knocking him down to the bottom of the mountain. He resumes climbing with added effort. "I've been through too much to give in now," Handsomus thinks as he can feel the POWER OF ROCKATRICITY boiling inside of him from his fear and anger with Theldorrin. "I won't give in!"

Somehow, Theldorrin manages to catch up! Awesome kicks his boots hard enough to stick into the mountain face and unleashes a barrage of punches to break into another lava vein. He endures the burning, hoping that the molten rock will melt Theldorrin's armor. He finally pulls through the other side of the falling lava and makes it to the next platform above him. He looks down to see that Theldorrin is blocking the lava with a rockatricity field. Finally, he exerts enough force to push the lava back into the mountain and continues climbing. Handsomus realizes the only way to take care of Theldorrin for good is to engage in one on one combat. It was a risk, but Theldorrin had already nearly matched Handsomus' own skill with rawkra.

"Good, you'll stand and fight like a man. Too bad I'm so much more than that," Theldorrin XIV tells Handsomus as he prepares Chaitin's Constant.

"STARSTRUCK!" Suddenly, Theldorrin looks behind him as Handsomus' MIGHTY FUCKING AXE smashes him in the back. As Theldorrin falls forward, Handsomus punches him in the jaw and smashes his head through the goddamned rock. With guitar in hand, Handsomus ROCKS THELDORRIN OFF THE PLATFORM and Theldorrin barely manages to cling to the side of the mountain before falling to his doom. With this victory, Handsomus continues climbing, Starstruck strapped to his back. When the tip of the dick was finally in view, he felt a hand grip his ankle. "It's over, Awesome. I've finally got you." Achieving his goal, Theldorrin lets go of the wall and falls to the platform below him. Handsomus, confused, continues climbing, deciding to ignore Theldorrin's insane behavior. But his hand refuses to obey his commands, shaking wildly. He loses his grip and tumbles down, falling at Theldorrin's feet.

"You feel it, don't you? You're burning up. You see, I uncovered Theldorrin XIII's plan for finally doing away with you. He wasn't able to implement it in his time, but I finished his research. You should be proud that you're still going to be useful after you die, Awesome."

Handsomus looks at his hands which are glowing white. "What the hell have you done to me, you monster?"

"It was a very intriguing plan, I just had to see if it would work. Using a sample of your iron-based circulatory system, Theldorrin XIII deduced that you had been formed by cosmic dust created from a supernova. You're a star in every sense of the word, Awesome. In a few minutes, you'll explode and I'll use the black hole you create to power the Calculus II. Isn't that interesting?"

Awesome, realizing the dire implications of this plan, tries hard to fight the pyronanos flowing in his blood by increasing his rawkra output. But it only increases his body temperature further. "Damn you, Theldorrin. I'll destroy you." He tries desperately to regain his footing, and swings wildly at Theldorrin, who shrugs off each blow.

"It won't be much longer now, Space Cowboy. Goodbye. It's truly been a pleasure."

Knowing it's too late for him, he decides he must do the noble thing, he has to save the earth. A supernova would kill everyone and every thing on the planet. As a final thanks to his adopted home, he pulls out Starstruck and flies into the sky. For the first time in his life, tears run down his face. If only he could have done more for the earthlings. And now he's abandoned them to a mass murderer. It drove him crazy with anguish. He passed through the atmosphere and into deep space, praying for a miracle. But not even the coldness of space could cool his burning blood.

"Goddamn it all ..."

Handsomus R. Awesome burst into a star, instantly collapsing on itself and becoming a black hole. An entire solar system was destroyed by the intense gravity. A machine built by Theldorrin XIV followed him on the trip and captured the black hole for the most powerful engine ever created.

J.R.: Bah gawd ... No, it's just ... Handsomus R. Awesome is dead. I'm so sorry. I ... I'm so sorry.
Ryoko's Biatch
Joined: 04 Jan 2007
Posts: 9255
(Sat Jan 20, 2007 5:50 pm)
Reply

Post     Re: FTUW KING SHIT OF FUCK MOUNTAIN (#5)

Schiavone: Oh my God, J.R.! He's dead!

J.R.: Damn you, Theldorrin! That heartless son of a bitch ... oh God ...

J.R. begins wiping away tears that run down his paralyzed face.

J.R.: He truly was ... a hero ... and now he's gone ... But we can't stop. Like the WWE didn't stop when Owen Hart fucking died in the middle of the ring, THE FTUW WON'T STOP! We must march on and continue with our next match, SAKETUMI VS. DANIELS.

Schiavone: Move over, 9/11! New Year's Day 2006 is the new, great American tragedy.

J.R.: Oh God ... sorry folks, I'm trying to gain some composure ... but America, Earth, even the universe ... has just lost its greatest hero.

Schiavone: Maybe I can sell burlap sacks with "Theldorrin Body Bag" written on it.

J.R.: Damnit, Schiavone! Show some respect!

The camera switches to the opposite side of Fuck Mountain. Jack "Jim Beam" Daniels is standing alone, waiting for his opponent.

J.R.: Wait a minute, where's Saketumi?

Schiavone: We haven't seen Saketumi or Toity since the end of their match! Could they be ... ?

An intercom in a echoing McHarris' voice.

"Since this is live, I'm certainly not going to wait any longer for Saketumi to show up. Start climbing, Daniels, and if you make it to the top, you'll face off with Theldorrin."

Jack "Jim Beam" Daniels whips out a flask of Ultrahol, downs it, and shoves his fingers deep into the ROCKY COCK, causing his fingertips to bleed. He doesn't notice it, he doesn't notice anything, so lost in his drunk stupor that his climbing seems automatic. His eyes seem empty, as if he were unconsciousness. But regardless, he trudges upward, jamming his fingers deep into the mountainside, climbing higher and higher to the mighty head of the mountain.
Ryoko's Biatch
Joined: 04 Jan 2007
Posts: 9255
(Sat Jan 20, 2007 5:51 pm)
Reply

Post     Re: FTUW KING SHIT OF FUCK MOUNTAIN (#5)

The scene is thousands of feet up on the air, at the top of Fuck Mountain. There stands the lone Theldorrin XIV, arms crossed, tapping his foot. The air pressure has no effect on his robotic frame, neither does the chilling winds. He looks up to the sky with a small smile, the light from Handsomus’ death, a brilliant supernova that collapsed into a black hole, destroying an entire solar system, finally reaches Earth. He raises his hand to the bright flash, forming a circle with his finger and thumb around the nova.

“Pathetic. And this was the man you called your arch nemesis, XIII?” he says in a slightly metallic tone.

In the background he can hear rock being punctured, over and over, at a slow rhythm. As he turns his head to the location of the sound, he sees blood oozing hands clawing their way on the summit of Fuck Mountain. A shadowy figure appears, his skin red, his eyes obscured by shadows, his skin covered by permafrost. Blood drips from the gaping holes where his fingernails should be, but the figure doesn’t seem to notice as he pulls himself to his feet.

“Is this it? This is who they sent to face off against me?” Theldorrin laughs, his cape blowing evilly in the wind, “For your own good, I’d leave. This match is merely a formality.”

Jack “Jim Beam” Daniels just stands there, his head hanging, his body limp except for at the base of his neck, like he were hung up by his spine. His bandolier of Ultrahol shows only three flasks remaining. His mouth hangs agape, drool frozen to his mighty chin.

“This is sad, really,” Theldorrin begins pace over top the head of the mountain, “I expected something a little more dramatic, something more climactic to christen my reign as not only FTUW champion but future ruler of the universe,” Theldorrin points at the unresponsive Jack, “And this is what they send me … Pft! I yearn for the battles that my predecessor had with that altruistic fool, Handsomus.”

He begins pacing again, facing the rising moon.

“Look at this magnificient body …” he says, lifting his arms to show the complex circuitry and jet-black armor, “I built this … for what? For you? You have to be-“ JACK DANIELS KNOCKS THE HOLY SHIT OUT OF THELDORRIN!

J.R.: BAH GAWD! He’s got some fight left in him!

Schiavone: I can’t believe it! He looked dead!

Theldorrin stumbles from the blow until he reaches the edge, nearly falling off the mighty phallic mountain. He looks back at his opponent, somewhat stunned.

“I see …” Theldorrin says, rubbing his jaw, “Have it your way!”

Theldorrin charges, small ROCKET BOOSTERS ON HIS BACK increasing his speed! Jack Daniels whips out one flask from his bandolier, leaving only two left. He grips it tightly in his hand and sticks it straight out in front of him. With a massive squeeze, the flask explodes and the ALCOHOL MAGICALLY FLIES TO HIS MOUTH. Small amounts of steam shoot OUT HIS NOSTRILS, HIS VEINS BULGE FOR A SECOND, and a tattoo of a battleship he has on his bicep FIRES ITS CANNONS.

Now, THELDORRIN HAS CLOSED IN ON DANIELS, throwing a PUNCH from his PISTON-LIKE ARM. KACHOONG! Steam ejects from the elbow as the ARM STRAIGHTENS. THE FIST COLLIDES WITH DANIELS ARMS, USING A LAST MINUTE BLOCK TO SAVE HIMSELF. The punch causes Jack Daniels to slide backwards and the ground around Theldorrin’s feet crack slightly from the force.

J.R.: Theldorrin with a hellacious right! I’m surprised Daniels is still standing!

Daniels shrugs off the blow and charges at THELDORRIN, TACKLING HIM TO THE GROUND DESPITE HIS MASSIVE FRAME. It is here that Theldorrin finally sees his face. Jack “Jim Beam” Daniels eyes are blank, so DRUNK HE IS IN A COMA. Daniels RAISES A FIST AND SLAMS IT INTO THELDORRIN’S CHEST. Theldorrin laughs at the blow until he looks down and sees a fist-shaped dent in his chassis.

“I thought you were just a human …” Theldorrin says to Daniels, who’s pulling back his fist again. IN AN INSTANT, THELDORRIN LAUNCHES SIMULTANEOUS HOOKS WHILE DANIELS SITS ON TOP OF HIM, SLAMMING HIS METAL FISTS INTO THE RIBS OF JACK DANIELS! Jack Daniels VOMITS ON THELDORRIN, A MIXTURE OF MOSTLY ALCOHOL AND BLOOD.

“Disgusting creature,” Theldorrin says, swatting away Daniels with one arm. Theldorrin kips to his feet, causing the tip of the mountain to shake from the immense amount of weight, and dusts himself off. DANIELS STRUGGLES TO HIS FEET, whipping out a match from his pocket. He smirks, STRIKING IT AGAINST THELDORRIN’S FACEPLATE, IGNITING THE VOMIT AND BATHING THELDORRIN’S HEAD IN FLAMES!

Schiavone: Have you ever seen anything like that, J.R.?

J.R.: Daniels is about to serve up some flash-fried Theldorrin BBQ! Durr durr durr.

Theldorrin stands there, facing Daniels, his head ablaze.

“Really, now …” Theldorrin chuckles from behind the wall of fire, “Did you think that this would affect me? My body can withstand temperatures your simple mind couldn’t comprehend.”

However, the burning fire obscures his vision, ALLOWING JACK DANIELS THE CHANCE TO ATTACK! HE RUSHES THELDORRIN, EXECUTING A FOOTBALL SHOULDER TACKLE, LIFTING THE MIGHTY BEAST INTO THE AIR FOR A BREATH PERIOD. THELDORRIN, HEAD STILL BLAZING, IS ASSAULTED WITH ELBOWS, FISTS, KNEES, AND HEADBUTTS, all seemingly DOING MORE DAMAGE TO DANIELS THAN THELDORRIN!

“Fucking faggot …” Theldorrin says, SLAMMING AN ROCKATRICITY POWERED PUNCH INTO JACK “JIM BEAM” DANIELS FLESH! HE STUMBLES BACK, FALLS TO HIS KNEE, and has a QUICK SEIZURE AS THE ROCKATRICITY REBOUNDS THROUGH HIS NERVOUS SYSTEM! After that, he wipes away the blood coming from his mouth, despite his hands bleeding even more-so and actually GETTING MORE ON HIS FACE, AND CHARGES AGAIN.

“Straining against fate?” Theldorrin chuckles, “I’ve already predicted every possible outcome. You have no chance to beat me!”

ONCE AGAIN, DANIELS CHARGES, LAUNCHING A FLURRY OF ATTACKS, DENTING THELDORRIN’S IMPRESSIVE ARMOR BUT ULTIMATELY DAMAGING HIS BODY MORE AND MORE. Theldorrin looks in disgust over the damage the human caused to his beautiful body and EXECUTES ANOTHER ROCKATRCITIY-POWERED FIST, SENDING DANIELS NEARLY TWENTY FEET AWAY FROM HIM.

“Give up. Stop delaying the inevitable,” Theldorrin shouts, NAILING A KICK INTO THE FALLEN DANIELS RIBS, DESTROYING THEM COMPLETELY. Daniels vomits blood up as Theldorrin paces around him.

“Nothing frustrates me more than a weed that refuses to be stomped down,” Theldorrin says, charging up his fist with SYNTHETIC ROCKATRICITY.

As he does this, Daniels reaches into his pants pocket, and DRAGS AN ORNATELY DESIGNED FLASK TO HIS FACE. HE PLACES IT IN HIS MOUTH, ATTEMPING TO BITE OFF THE CAP, BUT THELDORRIN’S ROCKATRICITY POWERED FIST FUCKING CRUSHES HIS HEAD INTO THE EARTH!

”Too easy,” Theldorrin says, retrieving his blood-soaked hand from the crater that Jack’s head now resides in.

J.R.: Goddamnit! How many more of our superstars are going to die tonight!

Schiavone: We should jump ship, J.R., there’s only going to be like five guys left after this Pay-Per-View!

Theldorrin begins to turn away but an odd smell catches his synthetic nose. It smells like … burning hair and flesh. Theldorrin turns around to see JACK “JIM BEAM” DANIELS PULLING HIS BROKEN NECK AND SKULL, A VISIBLE CRACK RUNNING DOWN HIS FUCKING FACE, BLOOD SQUIRTING FROM THE WOUND, OUT OF THE GROUND. A injury no person could survive and here STANDS JACK “JIM BEAM” DANIELS, HIS BRAIN ALMOST EXPOSED, AS CLEAR DEFIANCE IN WHAT DEFINES A HUMAN.

Schiavone: There’s nothing left to say to describe how rocked I am. IT’S ESCALATED TOO FAR.

J.R.: I have shit my pants repeatedly.

DANIELS’ WOUND SEALS UP, THE INCREDIBLE HEALING POWERS OF ULTRAHOL LEVEL 2 KICKING INTO EFFECT. HIS HEART BEGINS BEATING RAPIDLY, HUNDREDS OF VEINS APPEARING ALL OVER HIS BODY, HIS SKIN TAKING A DARKER SHADE OF RED. Theldorrin stands back, angered by the turn of events, charging up ROCKATRICITY AGAIN IN HIS PALM! DANIELS CHARGES FORWARD, HIS SPEED INCREASED CONSIDERABLY, LAUNCHING AN ARRAY OF FISTS THAT LEAVE THELDORRIN’S TORSO CRUMBLED, AS IF IT WERE A CAR STRUCK WITH A SLEDGEHAMMER!

J.R.: HE’S FIGHTING BACK! HE’S FIGHTING BACK!

THELDORRIN BUCKLES OVER, ALMOST FALLING TO HIS KNEES, THE INVINCIBLE CYBORG GOD SHOWING SIGNS OF PAIN! Daniels ISN’T DONE YET, LAUNCHING A KICK THAT NEARLY EXPLODES HIS FOOT INTO THE GUT OF THE ALREADY BENT OVER THELDORRIN! His FACE HITS THE GROUND, more groans of pain exit his FACEPLATE! DANIELS GRIPS THE BACK OF THELDORRIN’S HEAD AND BEGINS RUNNING, RUNNING FASTER THAN HE HAS EVER BEFORE, DRAGGING THELDORRIN THROUGH THE GROUND. GOING TO HIS SOUTHERN ROOTS, DANIELS HAS LIKE A PICK-UP TRUCK DRAGGING A HELPLESS HOMOSEXUAL DOWN A ROCKY ROAD!

J.R.: It almost makes you want to sing The Star-Spangled Banner …

Sparks shoot from the METAL AGAINST ROCK, SOME PARTS OF THELDORRIN ACTUALLY IGNITING AND CATCHING ON FIRE! HE CIRCLES THE TIP OF FUCK MOUNTAIN REPEATEDLY, THELDORRIN UNABLE TO STOP THE VIOLENT DRAGGING, CHUNKS OF HIS BODY BEING TORN OFF! XIV, in a LAST DITCH EFFORT TO PREVENT HIS WHOLE BODY FROM BEING RIPPED TO SHREDS, DIGS HIS ARMS DEEP INTO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN, stopping THE DRAG! Daniels continues to YANK AT HIS HEAD, ATTEMPING TO CONTINUE THE ASSAULT, but THELDORRIN HAS STAKED HIMSELF.

Theldorrin YANKS ONE ARM FREE FROM THE HOLE, IT IMBUED WITH THAT EVIL, CRACKLING RED ENERGY! HE GRIPS DANIELS WRIST, FORCING HIM TO LET GO OF HIS HEAD, AND USES WHAT REMAINING ROCKATRICITY HE HAS CHARGED INTO A BOLT THAT BLASTS HIS ENEMY INTO THE AIR!

Daniels SOARS UPWARDS THROUGH THE VAGINA-SHAPED CLOUDS, A BLOODY BURN ON HIS CHEST SMOKING. He looks down and sees THELDORRIN, VISIBILY ENRAGED, POWERING UP ANOTHER BLAST OF ROCKATRICITY! DANIELS, WHILE FALLING BACK TO THE EARTH, SNATCHES THE LAST TWO REMAINING FLASKS OF REGULAR ULTRAHOL AND HURLS THEM AT THELDORRIN, SPECIFICALLY THE ROCKATRICITY COVERED HAND!

IT STRIKES, AND A BLINDING FLASH BRIGHTENS THE NIGHT, FOLLOWING BY A MASSIVE EXPLOSION!

J.R.: BAH GAWD HE KILLED THEM BOTH!

Out of the fire soars Daniels, who TUMBLES OFF THE SIDE OF THE MOUNTAIN, barely able to SLAM HIS FIST INTO A CLIFF TO SAVE HIMSELF FROM FALLING TO DEATH. Above him, THE ROCKY FORESKIN OF FUCK MOUNTAIN HAS BEEN DESTROYED BY THE EXPLOSION, sending ROCKS TUMBLING TOWARDS DANIELS. While dangling with one arm, HE HURLS FISTS AT THE BOULDERS, EXPLODING THEM ON CONTACT, CAUSING HIS HANDS TO BLEED EVEN MORESO. After the rockslide finishes, he CLIMBS HIS WAY BACK UP THE MOUNTAIN, crawling onto the still burning, now circumcised, head of Fuck Mountain. Theldorrin is gone, an outline of his body BURNED INTO THE GROUND.

Schiavone: It doesn’t seem that practical but I think Jack has won it!

“You’re a little smarter than what I give you credit for …” a voice from above Daniels says. JACK HEAD JERKS UP TO A SMOKING THELDORRIN, HIS METALLIC ARMOR A BOILING RED, some of it completely destroyed, but for the most part THELDORRIN SEEMS UNHURT, HIS ARMOR TAKING THE MAJORITY OF THE DAMAGE.

J.R.: How in the hell!

His JET BOOTS, SPEWING FIRE, SUDDENLY STOP AND XIV DESCENDS WITH GREAT SPEED! THELDORRIN COMES DOWN ON TOP OF DANIELS, THE IMMENSE WEIGHT CRASHING DOWN ONTO HIS BACK!

J.R.: I don’t know what to say, folks … I don’t think Theldorrin can be defeated, let alone killed!

Schiavone: It’s a dark day for us all. We better go join his side if we know what’s good for us, J.R.!

J.R.: You’re despicable, Schiavone. His predecessor SIDED WITH THE CHINESE!

Theldorrin’s massive frame, weighing nearly a ton, CANNOT DRIVE DANIELS FULLY INTO THE GROUND. Daniels is crouching down, HIS LEGS KNEE-DEEP IN THE SUMMIT, HIS MUSCLES STRAINING NOT TO BE CRUSHED BY THE METALLIC GOD, WHOSE POSING, ARMS CROSSED, PERCHED ON TOP OF THE COUNTRY BOY LIKE A STATUE.

“How does it feel, redneck? Despite what fluids you inject into your body, you still are just flesh and bone,” Theldorrin says, leaning forward to speak directly into his ear, “You’ll be the first of many to be squashed under my boot as I MARCH ON TOP OF A BRIDGE OF CORPSES TO MY RIGHTFUL PLACE AS GOD.”

DANIELS SINKS DEEPER INTO THE MOUNTAIN, BLOOD OOZING FROM HIS NOSE FROM THE INTENSE STRAIN! HIS PUPILS BEGIN TO FOCUS, HIS MIND BECOMES LESS CLOUDED, HE BEGINS TO RETURN TO CONSCIOUSNESS. Before he think about where he is and what is happening, SEARING PAIN SHOOTS THROUGH HIS BODY!

“Wouldn’t this make you Atlas, carrying the man who is to become THE WORLD?” Theldorrin smirks, “Maybe if you beg for forgiveness I’ll crush your head and put you out of your misery.”

“I won’t beg for no forgiveness!” HE SHOUTS, STRAINING EVEN HARDER, HURLING THELDORRIN OFF HIS FRAME. THELDORRIN BACK FLIPS IN AIR AND LANDS ON THE GROUND, SURPRISED at the strength Jack Daniels was able to muster.

Schiavone: What a behemoth!

J.R.: Looks like Daniels is about to give Theldorrin a good ol’ southern boot to the ass!

However, Daniels stands paralyzed. His muscles have snapped from the immense strain on his body. Tears in his body leak blood. Even his organs have suffered the wrath, Daniels is bleeding internally. If he could move, he would fall to the ground. But instead, he stands there, suffering unimaginable pain.

“Pa … why did you make me do this,” he thinks to himself, “What fer? Why did ya use me?”

“The capabilities of humans seem to be a lot greater than I originally suspected,” Theldorrin says, walking over to Daniels, “Nevertheless, this game is over.”

“I ain’t doin’ this fer Pa!” Daniels shouts, blood spraying from his mouth with each, wet word.

“What are rambling about?” Theldorrin replies.

“I’s doin’ this fer me!” he screams, SHOVING HIS HAND DOWN HIS PANTS. WITH EACH JERKY MOVEMENT OF HIS TREMBLING, OBLITERATED ARM, BLOOD SPRAYS FROM HIS WOUNDS. HE CAN BARELY STAND THE PAIN, BUT HE MUST RETRIEVE IT. FROM HIS CROTCH HE YANKS OUT A CRYSTAL VIAL WITH A LABEL MARKED “LEVEL 3.” HE SLAMS THE FUCKING THING IN HIS MOUTH, UNABLE TO PRECISELY CONTROL HIS LIMBS ANYMORE, AND GUZZLES DOWN THE SUBSTANCE THAT TASTES LIKE PURE FIRE!

“It’s been a pleasure, boy …” THELDORRIN SAYS, SLAMMING HIS FIST DOWN ONTO DANIEL’S HEAD! IN AN INSTANT, HE CATCHES HIS THELDORRIN’S TITANIUM-CLAD GAUNTLET OF A HAND FROM BEHIND, AS IF IT TOOK NO EFFORT WHATSOEVER!

J.R.: W-WHAT THE FUCK?!

“Kckkk … kck …” Theldorrin utters from his clenched robo-teeth.

“I ain’t a boy anymore, I’s a man!” SHOUTS THE BRIGHT-RED DANIELS, HIS SKIN BULGING VIOLENTLY, HIS EYES MISSING THEIR PUPILS, STEAM POURING OUT OF HIS QUICKLY HEALING WOUNDS! HIS SKIN SEEMS HOTTER THAN THE LAVA BOILING INSIDE THE BALLS OF FUCK MOUNTAIN! HE RELEASES THE GRIP ON THELDORRIN’S FIST AND FUCKING BACK HANDS THE FUCK OUT OF HIM! THE BLOW IMPACTS THELDORRIN’S FACE PLATE AND FOR THE FIRST TIME IN THIS MATCH, BLOOD … YES, BLOOD OOZES FROM THE MOUTH AND EYE HOLES!

THE IMPACT FROM THE BLOW LAUNCHES THELDORRIN INTO THE SKY! DANIELS STANDS THERE, THE IMMENSE POWER DISTORING THE AIR AROUND HIM. IN A FLASH, HE’S GONE, TWO PARALLEL DUST TRAILS SOARING ALONG THE GROUND AT HIGH SPEEDS, MATCHING THE MOVEMENT OF HIS FEET THAT WE CANNOT SEE!

THELDORRIN’S INCREDIBLY POWERFUL CPU ALERTS TO AN OBJECT COMING IN AT INCREDIBLE VELOCITIES. HOWEVER, BEFORE HE REACT, HIS BODY IS HIT BY THE DRUNKEN BLUR, DENTING HIS ARMOR AND HURLING HIM HIGHER IN THE AIR!

On the summit of a MUCH SMALLER PEAK near FUCK MOUNTAIN, we see JACK “JIM BEAM” DANIELS, SKIN NEARLY AS RED AS BLOOD, PAUSE BRIEFLY ON THE PEAK, BENDING HIS KNEES TO MAKE A LEAP THAT WILL BREAK ALL FUCKING WORLD RECORDS (in jumping, I guess) FIFTY TIMES OVER. THE MOUNTAIN PEAK EXPLODES.

IN MID-AIR, THELDORRIN IS FALLING, STILL TRYING TO REGAIN MOVEMENT OF HIS BODY. HE STRUGGLES TO DEFEND HIMSELF AS HE SEES DANIELS APPEAR ABOVE HIM, SCREAMING AN UNHOLY SCREAM. THELDORRIN’S SCOUTER LIKE DETECTION SYSTEM TRIES TO MEASURE THE SPEED AT WHICH DANIELS IS MOVING BUT INSTEAD FUCKING EXPLODES. In fact, if IT EITHER HAD A DIGESTIVE SYSTEM OR PANTS, IT WOULD BE FUCKING SHITTING ITS PANTS!

“SOUR MASHAAAAAA!!” HE SCREAMS, HEADBUTTING THELDORRIN DOWN TO THE EARTH, INCREASING BOTH OF THEIR VELOCITIES! HE GRIPS TIGHTLY AROUND THE MECHANICAL MONSTROSITY, TWIRLING LIKE A FUCKING DRILL, PREPARING FOR ONE HELL OF A GODDAMNED PILEDRIVER RIGHT THROUGH THAT FUCKING COCK! HE’S GOING TO TURN THELDORRIN INTO A FUCKING CATHETER.

J.R.: BLARRKGKKDG!
SCHIAVONE’S HEAD EXPLODES, TURNING THE WATER IN HIS JAR RED.

THE SOUR MASHER CONNECTS, DANIELS PROPPING HIS LEGS ON THE EDGES OF WHAT WOULD BE THE URETHRA, LETTING THELDORRIN TO CONTINUE TO SAIL INTO THE BLACK DARKNESS AT UNBELIEVABLE SPEEDS! DANIELS LEGS INSTANTLY SNAP AS HE HITS THE GROUND. HIS ARMS PULL HIMSELF FROM INSIDE THE CAVITY TO SAFETY.

As he lays there on the summit of Fuck Mountain, he desperately tries to prevent his heart from exploding. He looks like he’s been to hell and back, writhing on the ground, his eyes bulging out of his head, GASPING FOR AIR, SWEATING OUT ULTRAHOL THAT BOILS ON TOP OF SKIN.

“Pa … pa … why didja … do this to me …” he whimpers, the Ultrahol now diluted in his system, its incredible healing effects pointless as executing such an attack has RE-TORN ALL HIS MUSCLES. He’s dying and he knows it, a death more painful than any of us could ever imagine.

Suddenly, Fuck Mountain begins to tremble. Slow at first, but it picks up speed, and the quakes are stronger. Daniels doesn’t notice this, his brain now shutting down, entering a pre-death euphoria. He can’t even hear anything, blood oozing from his ears, let alone see.

AS THE MOUNTAIN’S CONVULSIONS REACH ITS CLIMAX, IT SPEWS A ONE HUNDRED FOOT TALL JET OF LAVA STRAIGHT INTO THE AIR, PUNCTUATING JACK “JIM BEAM” DANIEL’S BITTERSWEET VICTORY! THIS PLACE WILL BE HIS GRAVE, HIS CORPSE BURNED AWAY THE WAVES OF LAVA.

From Jack’s point of view, everything slows to a stop. Even the bright glow of the EJACULATED LAVA, LIGHTING UP THE NIGHT SKY, seems dull and drab from his eyes. There’s a ringing in his ears, the chaos going on around him sounding like nothing.

And he looks up at the moon, and thinks about his home in Kentucky. He thinks about laying in the grass on hot summer’s night, looking up at the moon. Young Jack Daniels turns his head, and sees Charlie Daniels, what used to be his father, smiling back at him. Daniels turns his head while on Fuck Mountain and sees no one. His father gone.

Jack rests his head on the ground and faces the geyser of lava again. Perhaps he would shed a tear, but his tearducts have long been welded shut. As the lava rains down, HE SEES A FIGURE HOVERING OVER THE MOON. A MASSIVE SILHOUETTE! ANOTHER GEYSER OF LAVA ILLUMINATES THE FIGURE, REVEALING A GLOWING RED, MELTED MAN-SHAPED CREATURE. IT’S THELDORRIN, HIS SKIN FINALLY EXPOSED, BLOOD OOZING FROM THE WOUNDS HE’S SUFFERED. HIS FACE IS NOW EXPOSED, THE FACE PLATE BURNED ITSELF INTO HIS SKIN, HIS EYES SHOWING A MAN RAPT IN PAIN. In his short existence, he’s experienced more pain THAN MOST EVER EXPERIENCE IN THEIR ENTIRE LIVES!

Jack starts to laugh, not out of dementia but out of the absurdity of the situation. Not even his best, not even putting his body past its limits could kill him.

A MASSIVE, ORANGE BOULDER, NEARLY THE SIZE OF A MANSION, SCARRED WITH VEINS OF LAVA, RISES ON TOP OF THE GEYSER AND IS SNATCHED OUT OF THE AIR BY THELDORRIN WITH ONE HAND. HE RAISES IT ABOVE HIS HEAD, CHARGING THE BOILING FLUID INSIDE THE ROCK WITH WHAT ROCKATRICITY HE HAS LEFT IN HIS BODY.

Jack just stares, the boulder now obscuring his sight of the moon. THELDORRIN, WITH A DEMONIC GROAN, SUCH A HATE-FILLED SCREAM, an emotion the cold and calculating CYBORG HAS ONLY COME FAMILIAR WITH DURING THIS MATCH, TOSSES THE BOULDER AT THE HELPLESS DANIELS WITH ALL HIS MIGHT, as if anything else but a giant lava rock was NEEDED TO FINISH OFF THIS DYING MAN.

The boulder rolls through the air. Soon Jack can’t see anything but the incoming rock. It reminds him of a comet, and he wonders if this it what the dinosaurs saw when they were blown to extinction.

As it gets closer, color fades from his eyes, painting his view in black and white, almost chiaroscuro.

”It’s time … Jack …” a voice rings through his ears.

“Pa … is that you?” he replies with what strength he has.

“You could say that.”

Jack looks up at the boulder. It has ceased to move. It stands a mere five feet from his face and yet he feels no heat.

“Am I dead?”

“Not at all. You’re being born.”

The man in black walks into his view, each step he makes resonates in the pure silence, echoing as if Jack was laying in an amphitheater.

”It’s time to do what you were born to do,” the man in black smiles, giving his hand to Daniels.

“Come on Jack, let’s go home …”

Jack takes his hand. Time resumes, and the giant boulder explodes. Theldorrin XIV laughs maniacally as he hovers over the island of FUCK MOUNTAIN, THE MIGHTY PENIS begins to slowly crumble, lava spewing from THE FISSURES (or whatever). Theldorrin surveys the island, slowly being overcome with the lava.

“It’s mine now … the world is mine!”
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