Dragon Ball Z Uncensored

[Ryoko's Biatch]

"Phil, who the fuck is thi-" The fat guard's voice is cut off when John Baines rips his rifle away from him and jams it through his fucking face. The other guard turns to run inside and warn the others, but then he notices a gaping hole in his chest.

"Looking for this?" John asks, holding the guard's heart. The guard's eyes roll back in his head and he hits the ground. "Stay near me. When the others show up, it's going to get ugly."

John kicks open the door and marches through them. Everyone inside stands still, frozen in shock at the massive man whose huge muscles show through his torn sleeves. One finally tries to stop him, but is quickly kicked in half, the sound of his organs falling out of the torso shaking everyone out of their stupor. By the time the upper body hits the wall, exploding into chunks of flesh, and the legs his the floor a dozen men are on him. He grabs two of them by the neck and smash them together like cymbals, crushing a third between them.

The other nine gamblers surround John and one charges forward. John dodges the punch and then returns his own jab, punching through the man's chest and grabbing hold of his spine. He pulls the spine out and the man's body collapses like a balloon with a hole in it, then John hurls the spine like a spear, pinning another gambler's body to a roulette table. For some reason, this causes the wheel to spin and it stops on 0.

"Don't bet against the house, son," a gambler says, stepping forward. He wears sunglasses and a cowboy hat and dressed like a guy from a Tarantino movie. He squeezes the edges of a deck of cards, sending them flying to the other hand, snapping as they pop out of his fingers. "The name's Dollar Bill Cash. But you can call me Bill, I like to be familiar with someone I'm about to kill."

"I don't want to kill anyone," John says with blood dripping down his arms. "I'm just here to get a friend, so bring me Susan and I can leave."

"No, you can't leave unless you're leaving in a bag." Dollar Bill flicks his wrist and a cut opens on John Baines' cheek. "That was a warning shot. I want you to know how I killed you." Dollar Bill rapidly flicks his wrist again, throwing cards faster than the eye can see.

John jumps and dives, dodging as much as he can but still getting cut. When Dollar Bill runs out of cards, John rolls to a stop and sees the gamblers behind him with lines of blood running down various body parts. And then they fall apart, cut to pieces.

Phil watches this and then snaps back to reality. I've got to get to Susan before this gets out of hand he thinks. Running to where he left her, he sees two men, one with Sue hanging over his shoulder.

"I don't know what's going on over there, but let's take what we can and get the fuck out."

"I hear you, Louie. We'd have a good a chance out there as we do with all this crazy shit going on in here."

"As soon as we get out of here, Walt, let's rape this bitch. Then we can pimp her out for food."

"That's a good idea."

Walt and Louie get to the door and push it open. Phil grabs his gun and aims. But he never gets a chance to fire as the two would-be rapists fall down dead. Stilleto heels are embedded in their skulls. A woman who might as well be naked because all she's wearing is a thong and pasties on her nipples lands in front of the bodies.

"Okay, girls," she says, "let's take this building."

Hundreds of women dressed about as practically show up behind her. The women charge forward with the war cry "FOR THE QUEEN! FOR QUEEN MORGAN WITHTITS!"

Phil runs like a guy starring in a comedy about the running of the bulls.

[Mautty]

Yes Queen Morgan Withtits!

[Big Fagot]

Sounds like a real whore, and with tits too!

[Let My Love Open The Door]

I wish you would describe the guy's muscles more, and what they're doing when he kills guys, and what guys see when they look at him, because that's primarily what I'm jacking off to.

[Ryoko's Biatch]

Oh, ok.

[Ryoko's Biatch]

John Baines McGuinness' shirt has been completely ripped to shreds by Dollar Bill Cash's razor sharp throwing cards. John's rippling six-pack and gigantic biceps are even more impressive now that they're bared for the world to see. It would make any chick or gay dude swoon and every man stare in envy. But that's not important to the story, though he does start flexing his muscles for no particular reason. Behind him every surface is embedded with cards.

"Nobody's dodged that shot of mine," Dollar Bill comments while shuffling his cards. "But it won't be long before you tire out and your reflexes fail you."

"You're right," John concedes. "I can't last keeping up this pace. I've got to give you a hand." He picks up an arm and throws it at Dollar Bill, stunning him long enough for John to shoulder block him into a card table that shatters on impact. "And a foot to match!" he says before placing his foot on Bill's face and slowly pressing down. The skull creaks before cracks split open and brain comes out of the holes like hamburger out of a meat grinder.

Just then, Phil runs toward John, screaming for his life. "Run! Hundreds of whores are going to kill us!"

"It's okay, man. They're with me."

"Huh? But ... what?"

"Yeah, that night when everything went to shit, I was still wounded from my battle with Hard'rok. And with everything that happened, all of those bodies strewn about in the street, I nearly lost my mind." John looks into Phil's eyes with a serious face. "But then a whore saved me with a well timed blow job. It was the only thing that saved my sanity."

"Oh."

"Yeah, and then she took me to her queen, Morgan Withtits. The strippers and prostitutes were somehow able to nurse me back to health in one night. I'm not really sure how that works. Anyway, they're my back-up. We're here to stop Dick Johnson from taking over the city. The strippers were able to capture one of his soldiers and tell us Johnson's plans."

After that excessively expository exchange, the army of whores storm past Phil and John. Then Queen Morgan Withtits, in her thong, stiletto heels and pasties, walks up to John and totally makes out with him. Then she looks over to Phil. "Who is this fag?"

"Oh, this is Phil. He came with me to save his friend Susan," John says while Phil smiles nervously.

"We passed a girl who was about to be kidnapped and raped back at the door. I guess you can go back and get her, we have a war to fight." Morgan Withtits points back. Phil starts running, pissed that he let himself forget about Susan.

Meanwhile, the gamblers and the whores are fighting in an epic battle. Women with spears run up to the men, but instead of stabbing them, they stick them into the floor and start pole dancing. With raging boners, a few gamblers walk closer, but instead of getting hot chicks humping phallic objects, the women spin around the pole kicking them in the face with their sharpened high heels! Then they grip the pole with their legs and punch dudes in the junk! Nut sacks explode like blood and gonad filled grenades and their owners fall down, bleeding to death. These girls are tired of being sex objects, even though that's all they'll ever be.

"I knew I couldn't trust that boy," Dick Johnson says while pointing his revolver at Phil's running form. He stands at the top of a balcony, surrounded by his most trusted men, who are armed with handguns confiscated from the murdered security guards. Just as Johnson is about to pull the trigger, though, John Baines fucking leaps and uppercuts the shit out of him.

"Listen up, dickfucker, your sick dreams end today." John grabs two of the guards and smash their skulls together, reducing the faces into an inhuman crimson mess. The last two fire their guns, but they don't do a fucking thing to John, who just twists their gun arms off and kicks a hole in one, then swings his leg to rip both bodies in twain.

A gunshot rings out and John feels a piercing pain, like a needle was going all the way through his chest. He turns to see Johnson and his smoking gun. "The way I see it, my sick dreams are just starting to come true." Five more shots are fired and John Baines falls to the carpet.

"You son of a bitch!" Morgan Withtits screams. Tears roll down her face, tinted by her thick make-up. She kicks the empty gun out of Johnson's hand and then judo throws him over the balcony where he falls into a conveniently placed water fountain that quickly fills with bloody water.

The Queen falls to her knees and cradles John's head. "You're going to be alright," she says even though she doesn't believe it.

"My lungs ..." he coughs up some blood, "They're filling up ... with blood. I'm go ... I'm going to die."

"No! Don't say that!"

"I ... I deserve it. I could ... couldn't stop the FT ..." His eyes close and don't open.

[Ryoko's Biatch]

Meanwhile, Phil runs to find Susan. As he passes the front entrance, he sees the bag of guns that he and Derrick had requisitioned. He stops and thinks. I might need these. I only have five bullets left in my other gun. Picking up the bag, he starts running again. He underestimated the weight, but he didn't have time to worry about that now.

With all of the fighting going on, somehow Phil scrapes by unnoticed. He nearly collides with a whore who had a rake jammed through her chest, silicone bleeding around the wound. A gambler screams out in pain as a hundred heroin needles stick out of his entire body before collapsing into a bloody heap. But, as if willed by God, nothing happened to Phil.

It wasn't until he finally saw Susan that things turned to shit.

"Sue, Sue!" Phil calls out. "Are you okay?"

Susan begins to stir, looking toward the voice calling her. She reaches out for rescue and then the wall behind her explodes. A car bursts through it, sending rubble falling everywhere, burying Susan underneath. Chains with ripped off arms attached drag behind it. The car transforms, revealing Ichiro Honda.

"Where are the fools who dared to challenge me and ran like scared birds when I was distracted?" Honda calls out. Phil ducks behind a pillar.

When Honda observes the battle being waged in the lobby, he laughs heartily. "I was quite fortunate to encounter those cowards, for they led me to a great battle. If I fall today, it will be a worthy death.

"The gate opens itself
I take steps with diligence
The path revealed, tears

"I pray my next life is so blessed."

The front tires attached to his fists spin, sending spikes flying, tearing bodies to pieces. When the sound of heavy steps pass him, Phil moves slowly toward Susan, hoping that she survived. He starts pulling the debris away and then he hears the moans.

A ragged gang runs through the hole, holding improvised weapons, chainsaws, lawn mower blades, spiked baseball bats, but they ignore Phil. He soon sees why as hoards of zombies amble behind them. The stragglers, old or handicapped, are ripped apart by cold hands and yellowed teeth. One elderly man has his stomach punctured by a fist and the guts that fall out are fallen upon by rotting corpses, who chew the living flesh. He still feels his intestines as they're eaten while at the same time his arms and legs are bitten and muscle is liberated from bone.

The zombies march closer and closer. Phil can't let those fucking monsters come any closer so he pulls out his silver revolver and fires his last five bullets. Only one reaches its target. The depleted pussinium had reduced the zombies to mindless creatures, weak and unable to think. Their healing powers were neutralized, or at least negligible. That single bullet splattered the zombie's head like an over-ripened melon.

Phil can't fight his laughter. How had everything become so insane? Behind him, the whores, the gamblers, the goons and a fucking Jap in a transformer fight for their lives. In front of him, the dead walk, ready to wipe out civilization or whatever remained of it. Had it even been 24 hours? He pulls out an automatic rifle and doesn't stop firing until the magazine is empty and then he reloads. Maybe Derrick was right. Everyone has to die.

No. Some people were still good. Susan. He has to save Susan. He goes back to digging her free. When he sees her, she's covered in lacerations, cuts and bruises. But she's still breathing. One more time he reloads his rifle and readies himself to shoot his way out.

I'm not dying here.

[Ryoko's Biatch]

Hollow-tipped bullets reduce the walking dead to putrid liquid. Phil has Susan slung over one shoulder and his bag of weapons over the other, in his right hand the automatic rifle heats up, but he doesn't even give a shit anymore. He wouldn't give a shit even if they were still human. He just has to get the fuck out and he charges into the alley.

The rifle clicks over and over, the magazine spent. An obscene grin works its way across Phil's face as the zombies circle around him, their jaws hanging slack and guttural sounds emanating from the gaping maws. He grips the barrel of the rifle in his hands like a baseball bat.

"AAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUGH!"

The primal yell echoes through the concrete valley formed by the empty monuments to a fallen civilization. It's quickly followed by a blunt object smashing open skulls, the blows sending fragments of teeth, bone and brain flying through the dry air. Phil drives his rifle straight forward, impaling two zombies on the end and then spins it, hurling the bodies and knocking the nearby zombies to the ground.

He puts his back to a wall on the opposite side of the alley way and drops Susan to his feet and then the gun bag next to her. Susan finally stirs, momentarily pulling Phil out of his blood lust.

He looks blankly into her eyes. "Go, get out of here."

"I can't leave you." The faint words shock Phil again.

"I'll be right behind you. If I don't make it, we both shouldn't die for it."

"Still-"

"Shut up and do it. I can't lose everything now."

"What?"

Phil just stares at her, the furious look in his eyes scaring Susan to her feet. Phil pulls out a shotgun and blows a hole for Susan to escape through. The buckshot ripped the zombies open like swiss cheese, forcing their torsos to collapse and turn to sludge. Then entrails are horrifying but Susan runs through.

"Don't die!"

"Hhn. Let's see what you motherfucking corpses can do." Phil jabs the shotgun through a zombie's face and then fires, exploding the next zombie's face. He pushes the gun forward, cocking it, and then fires again, tearing a hole in another zombie's chest. He casually tosses a grenade in the cavity and then kicks the body into the middle of a group.

As they all burst, they stagnant blood showers Phil's body. Phil wipes his hand across his face, smearing crimson across his face. As his hand comes down, he rips off his shirt, revealing the well-muscled body that had been hidden by his business attire.

This extremely manly display is interrupted by the rumbling of engines. A gang of fat, bearded bikers in leather jackets roll up and swing chains covered in razor blades above their heads. Phil ducks as the razors shoot out, decapitating most of the zombies and tearing apart the remaining ones.

"Heh heh, boy," the head biker, evidenced by being the fattest and having the largest beard, streaked by silver hairs, says. The chassis of his motorcycle nearly touches the ground under the immense weight. "If ya know what's good fer ya, ye'll give me what's in the bag, ya little faggot."

[Ryoko's Biatch]

"Well, ya gonna give it up, kid, or do we have to get nasty?" The big fat biker licks his lips, exposing a mouth missing several teeth.

Phil utters an ellipsis.

"What's that, boy?" the lead bikers asks and then slams his razor chain against the ground.

"I don't think he heard ya, Rufus," chimes in a shirtless skinny fuck wearing an over-sized leather hat studded with spikes.

"I'll make sure he hears me this time," Rufus swings the razor chain above his head. "These blades'll cut ya up good, boy. Might even open yer ears a bit."

"Hhn." Phil steps toward the gun bag, but the razor chain whips right in front of him, stopping him in his tracks. As soon as the chain is pulled back, he takes another step, but once again the chain snaps in front of his feet.

"Three strikes an' yer out, boy," Rufus smiles and saliva runs through the gaps in his teeth.

Phil moves his foot and with laser precision, the razor chain shoots out at his face. He raises his leg and kicks the chain down to the ground, the razors sticking to the surface. He runs along the chain and then fucking punches that fat fuck Rufus in the face, knocking him from his bike.

"Goddammit, kill this son of a bitch!" Rufus calls out and his men rev the engines of their motorcycles, causing the front tires to be replaced by fucking circular saw blades. One asshole pops a wheelie and heads straight for Phil, who spin kicks the front end and sends the bike toward the casino. The bike ramps off of a conveniently placed craps table and flies into the air. Meanwhile, gamblers trying to scavenge whatever can be saves from the building roll out barrels of oil, hoping to either use them or sell them for supplies.

"Todd, when we get out of here, I need to see my family back in Phoenix. I'm really worried about them."

"Oh yeah, David. I heard Connie just had your first kid a few months back."

"Yeah, we named her Felicia. She's just the most beautiful little girl I've ever seen."

"I bet. I have my own kids back home. My oldest son, he got a scholarship to Harvard and my daughter scored the highest on the SAT in the entire state. I know what it's like to be a new dad. There's so much hope for the future."

"Well, it doesn't look like we have much of a future unless the army shows up and stops all of this craziness."

"I hear you. I can't wait to get back to my wife and kids and my mother who lives with me. She's old and can't take care of herself anymore."

"OH SHI-"

And then the motorcycle crashes into the goddamned oil barrels, blowing up the whole fucking building.

Outside, everyone ducks for cover. While the bikers are distracted, Phil grabs the gun bag and leaps onto Rufus' bike, speeding away. The biker gang watch him peel out and yell at him for some reason. Rufus, pissed off, stands up and knocks two of his goons off of their bikes and puts one under each leg, his massive frame too heavy for any bike but his specially made one.

"Don't just sit there like some fuckin' faggots, get that motherfucker!" Rufus screams and leads the pack in the hunt.

Phil watches the dust cloud pick up from the dozens of motorcycles chasing him in his rear view mirror. Shit, he thinks, I can't stop with them on my ass like this. When he approaches Susan, he reaches his hand out to her. She doesn't know what else to do, so she extends her own, only to be scooped up by her waist and set behind Phil. She wraps her arms around him tightly.

"Let's get out of this city," she sobs, "Let's just get the hell out of here."

Phil can't hear her over the rumbling of the engine and his own thoughts. I'm going to kill those biker fucks. He's going to make them know dread.

[Ryoko's Biatch]

As they leave Las Vegas and enter the vast Mojave Desert, the summer sun beats down on Phil and Susan. Perspiration rolls down Phil's bare shoulders and wet Susan's blouse. The dampness reminds Susan that they're both still alive, even in the harsh conditions and the specter of the biker gang behind them. The motorcycles under Rufus, not built with his giant girth in mind, were unable to reach top speed, slowing down the rest of the gang and allowing Phil to put some distance between himself and the angry mob. A peek at the rear view mirror shows two clouds, one of the tan dust of the desert and the other a black cloud from the burning casino.

I can't keep this up forever, Phil tells himself. He's got less than a quarter tank of gas and even if he ran it to empty, riding all that time might just strand him. I really am going to have to kill them.

He doesn't notice the cratered landscape around him. There were bigger things on his mind. When he nears a totaled Subaru Brat, the motorcycle flips end over end, sending the two riders crashing to the sandy ground. Phil is the first to recover from the accident and quickly scans the surroundings to see what just happened.

A few yards away, the bike lays in a crater. Phil stands up to set it upright so he can get himself and Susan out of there before the bikers catch up. And then he sees the hole.

"What the hell is that?"

Four sharp objects protrude from the hole and straining grunts echo out of it. As soon as Phil speaks the grunts stop.

"Quite the appropriate question, my friend. If you would kindly help me out, I'd explain myself," whoever it was down there says with a hint of malevolence in his voice.

Phil walks timidly toward the hole. Suddenly all of the doubts from the last twenty four hours rush back into his soul. The voice in his head screams out that something wrong is happening here. It can't be real. But at the same time, he has to know. When he looks through, he sees a nearly endless abyss with a thin figure deep down at its center. With the hole so small, he can't make out any details. And then glowing red eyes look back into Phil's.

"Jesus Christ!" Phil falls back on his ass. And then the rumble of engines become audible.

"Sir, I must humbly request your assistance. It know it may seem that you are in a hurry, but I insist that if you help me it will be to your profit."

"What are you? Who are you?"

"I can answer the first, but not the second. Though only after you get me out of here."

Fuck, it's now or I get fucking killed. Phil tries to pull the hole wider, but nothing happens.

"The fucking thing won't open."

"Hmm. Well, I suppose we'll have to do it the other way, then. Draw a circle around the hole in your blood, it should open it to that width."

Phil doesn't know where to begin. As if things hadn't already gone crazy enough. Now magic? It was hard to believe, but, then again, it was hard to believe civilization collapsed within hours. He stares at his hand and then raises his index finger to his mouth. As he's about to bite into the tip, a razor cuts his face open and he falls to the ground.

"What's wrong, boy," Rufus says with a hearty laugh, "Ya thought ya could ride a bike like a real man, eh? Shows how much of a pussy you really are. Thought ya could trick me with the tough guy act back there."

"Yeah!" the skinny fag goon calls out. "You fuckin' faggot!"

"Shut the fuck up," Rufus says. "Yer not such a tough guy when yer guns are fifty feet away from ya. Onizuka, kill this faggot."

A Japanese biker toward the back ride up next to Rufus and then shuts off the motorcycle. He steps off and spits a toothpick onto the ground.

"I've had just about enough Jap shit today," Phil says. All of the bikers gasp at such blatant racism.

"Dude, not cool. Why did you have to bring race into it?" Rufus says, a frown on his face.

Onizuka's facial expression doesn't change. He reaches behind himself and grabs two spiked bats connected by a piece of barbed wire into nunchucks. He swings them around rapidly to the hoots and hollers of his peers and then stops with the wire pulled taut by his hands on the handles of the bat.

Phil pulls the gun from the back of his waistband and shoots Onizuka in the face. Then he shoots four more goons, causing them all to back away a bit. He wipes the blood from his cheek around the hole and it instantly widens. A demon pulls itself out by for long, bony spider legs on its back. Everyone, including Phil backpedals.

"Thank you, kind sir," the creature says while looking directly into Phil's eyes, "It looks like you have yourself some trouble."

Rufus, his eyes comically bugging out, yells, "What the hell is that thing!"

"You wound me," the creature says, it's mandibles opening to show a sharp-toothed grin. "Now, back to my good friend here. You've done me a service and it is the custom of my people that I return the favor. I offer you these." The creature holds up a pair of black leather gloves. "They will give you what you need to protect yourself from these miscreants. All I need in return is a soul."

Phil stammers. "What? My soul?"

"No, no," the creature laughs. "Not yours."

Phil points to Rufus who falls off of his two bikes. "His."

"Not going to cut it, kid. I need someone you care about."

Susan?

"Excellent choice," the creature claps its hands and Susan's body floats to him. He digs one hand into her chest, ripping out her heart. Blue mist surrounds the heart and then he drops it into his mouth. Then he drops Susan's corpse to the ground.

"No! No! What the fuck did you do?" Phil falls to his knees, crying.

The creature rolls its eight eyes. "Take the gloves. Believe me, they're worth it." He throws them in front of Phil, who puts them on angrily.

"Fuck everything. Fuck everyone," Phil stands up, tears streaking his face. "You're all going to fucking die."

[Action Hank]

I was wondering if this was some side story or not, but now it all makes sense.

[Ryoko's Biatch]

EPILOGUE PART ONE

Phil drops a Stinger missile launcher to his side. Gore is everywhere. If it wasn't for the sandy soil, he'd think he was back in Las Vegas. Rufus' head lies at his feet, unfathomable fear permanently etched into his face. Phil casually crushes it under his foot.

"This really is a new world," he says to himself. Looking in his gloved hands, he can barely comprehend how he got to this point. It's like some fantastic nightmare. Clenching his hands into fists, the leather squeaks, and a faint blackish blue glow surrounds them.

The creature smiles. "A new world, indeed. It was impressive what you just did."

"I'm going to kill you."

"Oh ho?"

"For what you've done to me."

The creature guffaws. "What I did? You're the one who helped me escape from Hell. And you're the one who offered your girlfriend."

"She wasn't my girlfriend."

"So what's the big deal then?"

A pistol floats out of the void and into Phil's left hand. He points it at the creature, cocks the hammer and fires. The bullet sails through it harmlessly.

"You can't kill me with my own magic, so you might as well give it up." The creature raises one hand and sharp claws come out of his fingers. "And I'm much stronger than any human. But if you want to fight, that's fine with me. If I killed you, I'd be free to ravage this miserable world."

"What?"

"Heh, I forgot to mention, I wouldn't be able to leave the hole unless I bound myself to a human." The creature makes a wide grin. "Us low level demons, we can't stay on Earth unless we have an anchor of some sort. You're my anchor."

"And if I die you're free?"

"Not exactly, like I said, the low level demons, even if we're summoned, we can't exist on Earth for long before we're drawn back to Hell. But if I can eat enough souls, I could stay here on a permanent basis. But I am bound to you as long as you live."

"I see." Phil thinks for a moment. "What do I call you?"

"I can't tell you my name, not part of the deal. You can call me whatever you want, though."

"Hhn."

EPILOGUE PART TWO

Steve and Bill sit in their spacecraft monitoring Earth. Steve zooms in on a guy in the recently ravaged America.

"Fuck check out the nerd oh shit nigga he playin fuckin Madden for PSP GADDAYM!"

"You fucking idiots," their boss screams at them, "You're supposed to be watching people who actually matter! Haven't you been listening to your space radios? Everyone else is working their asses off and you're sitting here jerking your dicks!"

Bill sighs at his computer. "Fine, fine. Switch the monitor back to Las Vegas, we're supposed to be watching that one guy."

"Fuck check out the building oh shit nigga its fuckin burning GADDAYM!"

"Shut the fuck up and check for vital signs in there. Jesus, if it wasn't for the fact that the PSP gets you laid, we wouldn't have missed all of this. God, Steve." Bill slaps his forehead.

"I'm scanning the building," Steve says, "Vital signs are negative for all bodies."

"What about your target?" the boss asks.

Steve runs through the list of names. "He's a goner."

"Okay," the boss says, relaxing a bit, "who's the next guy you were supposed to be watching?"

"The Ant King, sir," Bill says. "Seems he's still alive, but probably not for much longer. His body exploded and his skull was shattered. His vitals are nearing flatline."

The boss nods, "Well, keep it up. I swear, if I catch you watching some guy playing Madden on PSP, I'm going to shoot you into space."

As soon as the boss leaves, Steve starts looking for nerds.

[Spamdini]

It took a while to read everything here, but now I'm certain Deimos should just be crowned champ here and now.

[Ryoko's Biatch]

I went back through some of it and the typos are killing me.