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FTUW'S BIG MURDERFIST BONANZA (#3)

 
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Vinny
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Joined: 16 Jan 2007
Posts: 5181
(Sat Jan 20, 2007 1:32 am)
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Post     FTUW'S BIG MURDERFIST BONANZA (#3)

Written by SuperPSaturn

(Black and white footage in slow motion is shown of former promos by Theldorrin XIII. They are spliced with footage of Handsomus R. Awesome being all stoic and shit. Across the screen the words “IT ENDS TONIGHT.” Scroll to the center and turn red and drip down the screen. Two giant spiked fists fly into each other and create tons of explosions which fade to the title screen “FTUW: BIG MURDER FIST BONANZA” Overhead footage of the FTUW arena shows the screaming fans and of course fireworks and shit going off. A giant face of Owen Hart is being moved through the crowd for some reason.)

Jim Ross: Welcome everyone to MURDER FIST BONANZA! I’m Jim Ross and accompanying me is the head of Tony Shiovani.

Tony Shiovani: I wouldn’t let something like the death of my body make me miss this mind blowing event! Just like I won’t let it ruin the next FTUW PPV, “FTUW: Night of 1000 D-Lo’s.” Check your cable provider for time and channel.

JR: Standing by backstage is Kevin Kelly with FTUW newcomer Fancy Lala.

(Kevin Kelly stands in front of the logo of the PPV with microphone in hand.)

KK: Thanks JR, I’m being joined by Fancy Lala. Now Fancy, what do you have to say to Puff Ryder, another relatively new combatant?

Fancy Lala: Hmmmrrmmm….mmmwelll…I was backstage and I noticed some kind of food on the ground somebody dropped so um….yeah I ate it and I don’t know if it was food really.

KK: Uh…so what’s your strategy going in?

FL: Sometimes I find plump meats that fall out of the sandwiches at McDonald’s drive thru. Those can be good because they’re meat and also grease, a combination of the heavens.

KK: Yeah, I’ll say. Back to you JR.

(JR salivates after listening to Fancy Lala’s interview.)

JR: Mmmmm-uH! Well! Anyway, lets get to the first match of the night.

(Some kind of gangster rap music plays and all the black people in the crowd HOLLA back at PUFF RYDER. Puff Ryder holds his hands out in front of his chest, palms inward with his fingers spread out raising his elbows up and down to the beat of his song as he break dances his way to the ring. 10,000 “NYEAH NIGGA!”s can be heard from the audience.)

TS: That nigga be fightin fo his family.

JR: Ah well that’s just good to see in a young man respectin’ his elders and makin’ something of himself. Not like that despicable “Ooka Jooka.”

(The sound of bongos can be heard as a morbidly obese woman in a Rascal wheelchair surfs into the ring on top of an incredibly skinny corpse. Following this Fancy Lala emerges from the curtain throwing his hands into the air screaming with might. He stands before the ring squats down, his knees audibly popping over the sound of the crowd and lets out a monstrous fart propelling him into the ring. Upon landing Fancy falls over and rolls around the ring trying to get up. He’s still trying to get to his feet when the bell rings.)

JR: Ah, well after that…display the match is on. Puff Ryder paces back and forth waiting for Fancy Lala to get to his feet.

(Fancy Lala manages to balance on his stomach and puts his legs out straight raising his hind quarters into the air. While putting forth ferocious effort into a push-up to a standing position Fancy Lala shits himself and the shit oozes out of his thonglike leotard and drips down the back of his leg. Several in the audience vomit in terror at this sight.)

TS: Oh my dear lord. This has to be the worst thing I’ve ever seen in my life.

(Puff Ryder with a look of disgust on his face forces himself to approach Fancy Lala and begins administering several powerful kicks to the midsection. Fancy doesn’t seem to feel them but the vibration of his blubber puts him off balance and leaves him unable to fight back.

Puff Ryder bounds against the ropes and comes at Fancy delivering a running forearm to the face. Fancy flails his arms wildly trying not to fall backwards and ends up tumbling through the middle rope to the outside of the ring. The ropes Fancy Lala fell through are smeared with his shit and Puff Ryder is obviously not willing to go after them to follow up on the attack. The ref begins the 10 count.)

JR: A less than stellar debut for Fancy Lala as Puff Ryder seems to control the momentum.

(Fancy once again struggles. He is bombarded with trash and drinks from an angry and confused crowd. The Ref is approaching the 5 count.)

JR: Um, so anyway we have a great main event tonight.

TS: Oh absolutely.

(The 10 count is reached and Fancy Lala is still unable to stand. The bell rings and is immediately drowned out by resounding boos from the audience.)

Joey Lightning: Your winner by um…not being counted out. PUFF RYDERRR!!

(Puff Ryder doesn’t exactly celebrate so much as scratch the back of his head awkwardly and try to slink past Fancy Lala who wobbles and spreads shit across the floor as ring technicians try to secure and remove him. JR is handed a note.)

JR: Uh…ah yes well I’ve been informed that we’re going to be showing last month’s main event again for you now. So yeah..

(The match plays as FTUW officials attempt to remove Fancy Lala from the premises.)
Vinny
[00:10] How can you get an erect dick into your own ass?
Joined: 16 Jan 2007
Posts: 5181
(Sat Jan 20, 2007 1:33 am)
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Post     Re: FTUW'S BIG MURDERFIST BONANZA (#3)

Written by Spamdini

Lightning: This match is scheduled for one fall and is a Japanese street fight! There are no countouts or disqualifications, but all pins, submissions and knockouts must be made in the ring. From Bourbon County, Kentucky, weighing in at 275 pounds, Jack “Jim Beam” Daniels!

JB and his father Charlie Daniels make their way to the ring, coming out to that Tim McGraw song from Monday Night Football. JB is already rather drunk but his father keeps forcing whiskey down his throat until he can barely stand. The elder Daniels tosses his son in the ring but the man just slumps in the corner and is breathing deeply, looking like he’s about to heave.

Lightning: And weighing in at 165 pounds, from Nagasaki, Japan, “Zah Bahning Wahlf” Rakkyu Saketumi!

Saketumi comes down to the ring, wearing a jacket with a large muscular tiger painted on the back and comes out to the theme of Ultraman Tiga. He comes down with his men and they’re carrying a memorial tablet of the man who JB beat up.

Saketumi (in Japanese): Muscle Punch, your dishonor shall be avenged…WITH BLOOD!

JR: This is gonna be one helluva slobberknocker! Both men have been training hard just to defeat each other in the ring.

TS: This rivalry reminds me of the epic Ron Simmons/Lex Lugar feud that I once called the best ever. My eyeballs quiver with excitement!

Charlie Daniels is slowly walking along the ring apron, pouring whiskey on the ropes. He grins widely with his crooked, mostly toothless mouth.

Saketumi jumps into the ring and motions Jim Beam to bring it on. Propping himself against the turnbuckle, the drunkard is able to make it to his feet. Suddenly, he vomits violently to the outside of the ring. This lasts a good 5 minutes while the elder Daniels finishes covering the ropes in booze. JB turn around and faces him opponent, smiling widely.

Charlie Daniels jumps off the apron outside of the ring and lights up a fine cigar. He throws the match on the ropes and they light up into a fiery blaze. All of Saketumi’s goons are astonished and try to jump in to save their boss. However, the flames are far too great and they are unable to so much as approach the ring.

The bell rings and the referee, who is wearing a suit made of asbestos, signals for the match to begin.

Saketumi swaggers over to his opponent. The stooped over drunk is much taller than the Asian, but his slouching makes them nearly eye to eye.

Saketumi: Fucka yuu, cockuface!

Saketumi starts off by immediately kicking JB in the balls, dropping him to the ground. Saketumi stomps him over and over while shouting “ora ora ora ora!” He tries to follow up with an elbow drop but JB rolls out of the way and stands up. The booze has numbed the pain and he still seems amused in spite of the kick to the testicles. This is until the stinging aftereffects from the blow cause him to drop to knees. Even drunks can feel the outright agony of an attack to that sensitive area.

JR: Bah gawd! What a genius strategy by Saketumi!

TS: Wait JR, I thought you hated underhanded attacks like low blows?

JR: Yeah, but….DAMN THAT JIM BEAM! DAMN HIM! DAMN HIM! DAMN HIM!

Saketumi laughs out loud. His training and worries seem to have been for naught. He charges JB and attempts a clothesline but Daniels backflips at the last second to dodge the attack. While backflipping, he strikes Saketumi under the chin with a kick, stunning the Japanese warrior. He’s staggered by the attack and is forced to stop in his tracks while JB gets back on his feet and starts to recover from his groin injury.

TS: I haven’t seen such agility and flexibility since I played Street Fighter II and used Dhalsim. He’s an Indian guy who can stretch his arms and legs like taffy.

JR: That’s very interesting.

Saketumi regains his bearings and goes for a dropkick but JB seems to fall over just as the attack is about to connect. Saketumi’s momentum carries him through the air and nearly falls onto the blazing ropes. The heat is so intense that his eyebrows light on fire. He proves his toughness by letting them burn until all his eyebrow hair is turned to ash.

Embarrassed, Saketumi tries to attack again. He attempts a series of punches, all of which are evaded with ease. JB counters with a series of punches that come from such obscure angles that Saketumi is unable to block them. He backs off, seeing that his usual rough style is ineffective. JB taunts Saketumi by telling him to squeal like a pig and motioning that he’s going to sodomize him.

Outraged, the Jap gangster charges again. JB looks like he’s about dodge again but Saketumi stops short. He grabs JB by the shirt and attempts to body slam him.

JR: Bah gawd, I wasn’t aware Saketumi knew any wrestling moves!

TS: Not since Hulk Hogan body slammed Andre the Giant have we seen such a monumental display of technical wrestling!

Daniels’ feet hit the ground and he prevents himself from being slammed. He uses Saketumi’s poor positioning in order to counter the move into a judo shoulder slam. Saketumi is surprised by how painful the attack is and clutches his shoulder in pain

TS: You’ve gotta remember JR that though Jim Beam is an agile and crafty fighter, he’s still a lot bigger and heavier than Saketumi.

JR: That’s right Tony. Not only did Saketumi just have his own momentum thrown back at him, but he has all the power of that Kentucky giant added to it. He landed in an awkward manner and I wouldn’t be surprised if his shoulder was separated!

Saketumi’s should isn’t separated, but he still felt the blow. He attempts a leg takedown on JB but it too is countered into monkey flip. Saketumi is sent flying into the ropes where his clothes catch on fire and he’s badly burned.

Goon 1: S…Saketumi-dono!

Goon 2: G…ganbatte, Saketumi-dono!

JR: Damn that Jim Beam! This ain’t a wrestling match, it’s an execution!

Saketumi is smoking all over and looks half dead. In spite of that, he grins as he puts a cigarette in his mouth, which was already lit by the inferno. He finishes his drag then stomps the butt out on the mat. He hobbles towards his opponent with his head held up high.

Saketumi (in Japanese): Compared to the old chink, this man is about as supple as a boulder!

Saketumi throws a left straight, which JB sways to his left to avoid.

JR: What’s he doing?! Them punches ain’t gonna work no more! Saketumi’s about a thick as my gramma’s piecrust and almost as dense!

Before JB can strike back, Saketumi quickly kicks his left leg out from under him. JB loses balance and quickly has to readjust his stance. Saketumi follows up with a big boot which JB is barely able to dodge, propping himself up with his left hand and foot. Saketumi brings his foot down and stomps on Daniels’ hand, pinning it down. He then drops his knee onto JB’s face, breaking his nose with a glorious crack.

Charlie Daniels: Don’t go gittin’ beat up, boy! Yer s’posed t’ kick his yella ass wit’out gittin’ touched! Stop bein’ a danged nigger, boy!

JB is still in pain however and clutches his face as the blood flows like a river. Saketumi steps on his head and grabs his right leg. He puts JB into a submission move that is like a Half Boston Crab while he stands on his foe’s head. Daniels’ right quadriceps is torn and his neck is being bent in a diabolic manner.

Jim Beam’s about to tap out until his father’s threats from ringside reach his ears. Too afraid to submit, he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a vial labeled “Ultrahol.” He drinks it and he coughs uncontrollably until he accidentally slips out of the hold. He quivers on the mat until he seemingly passes out.

TS: I…I think he was so afraid he chose to kill himself!

JR: Bah gawd, you never like seeing a man kill himself with illegal drugs. Especially inside the ring in front of the hands.

TS: Yeah, at least Eddie Guerrero waited till he was at home! (Tries to self high-five himself but just falls over in his jar)

Saketumi happily walks over and attempts to strike a pose while pinning the corpse. However, when he puts his foot down, JB is no longer there. All he sees is a series of whip-like flashes that slash him wide open across his torso, legs and face. Saketumi falls on his back and is bleeding everywhere.

JB is on his feet, propped up on his one good leg and humming around in place like The Flash in Kingdom Come, sort of like he’s vibrating very quickly. Saketumi weakly stands up and tries to knock JB off-balance again. However, the technique he learned in China doesn’t work this time. When he punches, it seems like JB slides along his arm like an octopus until he is close enough to unleash a flurry of whipping strikes once more.

Saketumi has had enough and the Ultraman theme starts playing. He nails headbutt after headbutt and they seem to be working until JB vanishes again and Saketumi headbutts the flaming turnbuckle by accident. Blinded by the flames, he can’t see anymore and JB takes advantage of the opportunity to Ric Flair chop him across his chest which opens a giant gash. He then finishes with German suplex.

The blood is everywhere and Saketumi can’t even focus his vision. He stumbles to the rope to prop himself up not remembering the fire. Once again, the man is burned and he collapses.

JR: This is a bloodbath! Someone’s gotta stop this!

TS: This is the bloodiest match blah blah dik.

JR: That Jack Daniels is a sadist! Just pin him already!

Saketumi smiles while he’s still on the ground.

Saketumi (in Engrish): Tch…Yuu can notu pin me! Yuu onry know howa to countaa. Ifu I don’t givu up, I wirr notu roose!

Saketumi forces himself up to his feet. He starts scooping up his blood and pours it back into his open wounds. He then takes the tobacco out of his cigarettes, chews it up, and uses it to stuff his wounds to block the blood from flowing further.

Saketumi: RORRUING....EVORUTION!

JR: Evolution? He’s evolved the Rolling Go?!

TS: Th…This is unprecedented, JR! But it doesn’t matter since Jim Beam can counter ANYTHING!!

Saketumi charges and headbutts JB two more times. He winds up for a third and seeing his opportunity, JB ducks and gets ready to counter. HOWEVER, Saketumi stops in his tracks and does not headbutt! Instead, he unzips his fly and pisses in JB’s face!

JB is disgusted and starts vomiting, unable to see from the stinging in his eyes. The vomiting causes him to sober up slightly as well and the Ultrahol loses some of its effect. Saketumi bends down as far as possible at the knees and uses his tremendous legs muscles to GAZELLE PUNCH JB. This causes him to actually flip over.

Saketumi: GOOOOOOOOO!

Saketumi catches him as he flips and D’lo powerbombs him into the turnbuckle. Both men are engulfed in flame but Saketumi is still conscious and pins Jim Beam for the 1-2…..3!

JR: HE DID IT! SAKETUMI DID IT! HE’S ON A ROLL, TONY!

TS: Yeah, but look what he had to go through. He’s nearly dead, JR. Hard to call that a winner.

Baron Hoity von Toity appears on the Faggotron and is clapping slowly.

von Toity: Well done, Saketumi! You are indeed a man of great bravery. You were even able to best a man aided by 300 proof Ultrahol, a special compound that I had produced at a German monastery for fifteen million Euros. All I can say to you is congratulations!

Charlie, your son isn’t as much of a failure as you think. I doubt we’ll be seeing Mr Rakkyu Saketumi back in a ring any time soon. Though victory eluded you, you were still useful. Thank you very much! Still, a loss is a loss. Therefore, I’m cutting you off.

Repo men come to the ring and repossess all of Charlie Daniels’ fancy clothing, gadgets and jewelry and he is left standing wearing only his torn briefs with a huge hole in the crotch.

Firemen come down to the ring and put out the fire around the ring and that still cover both competitors. Paramedics come with stretchers and both men are taken to the hospital for emergency treatment.

von Toity: Think of how much less painful this could have been had you just joined up with me. Oh well, c’est la vie!

JR: That smug SOB! Saketumi just put on a spectacular display and now he’s taunting him! I hope he gets what’s coming to him!

TS: And how about that Jack “Jim Beam” Daniels.

JR: He had a lot of heart too. I thought he was just an annoying little shithead but he showed some real class out there today! Both men should be proud of themselves!


Last edited by Vinny on Sat Mar 31, 2007 2:02 pm; edited 1 time in total
Vinny
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Joined: 16 Jan 2007
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(Sat Jan 20, 2007 1:34 am)
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Post     Re: FTUW'S BIG MURDERFIST BONANZA (#3)

Written by Vinny

Schiavone: Here at the FTUW we strive to bring you excitement that the other federations are too afraid to air! That’s why we are bringing you the first-ever Mexican Sleeping match! And I’m just as excited as you to find out what this new match is all about so let’s go to Kevin Kelly with a full explanation.

The camera switches to Kevin Kelly who is waiting backstage.

Kevin Kelly: Yes, that’s right, Tony! The FTUW is proud to bring you the Mexican Sleeping match! Both opponents will enter the ring and the first person to fall asleep will be named the victor!

Schiavone: Oh.

J.R.: Bah gawd. It sounds certainly, uh, hellacious. Bah gawd.

Lightning: Coming to the ring first … hailing from MEXICO and weighing in at 467 pounds … ELLLLL TIGREEE!

A team of mariachis enter from backstage while simultaneously playing. They spread out to both sides of the entrance, waiting for El Tigre. He enters on a large bed being carried by the FTUW ring crew. The mariachis accompany El Tigre down the ramp. At ringside, a crane is connected to the bed and the entire thing, along with El Tigre is slowly lowered into the ring.

Lightning: And his opponent … from wherever and weighing in at whatever … Apaaathetic Arschloch!

Schiavone: What the hell is an Arschloch anyway, J.R.?

J.R.: A man with THREE victories under his belt! And he’s looking to make it three come tonight!

No music plays and there’s no strobe lights. The camera pans over the crowd, section cheering in accordance to when they are on the screen. The commentators shuffle around papers and clear their throats.

J.R.: We are … erm, apparently having technical difficulties.

Suddenly the FTUW big-screen switches over to a room somewhere backstage. On the couch is Apathetic Arschloch, quietly napping. Suddenly, a gigantic boot explodes in through the door, followed by a massive denim-pillar of a leg. Hair can be seen poking out from under the cuff of the jeans..

“Get the fuck up you lazy cunt!” says the massive creature, whose leg barely squeezing through the door frame is the only part of the monster that can be seen.
“Grumble … uh, whatever,” replies Arschloch, adjusting his head so he can get more comfortable.

The camera switches to the entrance and Arschloch is hurled from backstage all the way to the ring. He crashes through the ropes and rolls into the turnbuckle. El Tigre struts around the ring a bit, flipping his hair and insulting Arschloch in Mexican. The stitches sewn on Arschloch’s skull slightly come undone and blood drips from the wound.

Schiavone: And what a hell of entrance that was! It looks like that mysterious figure we saw last week has made another appearance.

A doctor and a team of assistants enter the ring and begin attaching wires to Arschloch’s and then El Tigre’s skulls. The cords follow back to a complicated looking machine and a monitor.

J.R.: We’ve just been informed that this will measure the two opponent’s brain activities. Once one of them falls asleep in the bed in the middle of the ring, the machine will tell us!

The doctor and his assistants exit the ring and stand at ringside, writing furiously on their clipboards while watching the monitor. And with that the bell rings.

Schiavone: And we’re off!

Both opponents walk up to each other and touch foreheads. They stare down a few seconds before eventually walking over to the bed and climbing in. They each take their side and close their eyes.

J.R.: And they are wasting no time trying to fall asleep!

A dull roar can be heard from some parts of the crowd. Others are starting chants unrelated to the match entirely. A few groups exit to the concession stands.

Arschloch tugs at the covers a little bit.

Schiavone: A.A. is taking up all the covers! El Tigre is going to be non too pleased with that.

El Tigre rolls over loudly and grabs his pillow and violently fluffs it.

J.R.: Bah gawd Arschloch can’t sleep with that noise!

Arschloch’s leg accidently touches El Tigre’s and both competitors move away from the middle of the bed. A.A. can be heard muttering “faggot …”

Schiavone: And what’s the verdict medical team … ? No one is asleep yet? Oh, alright.

More people in the stands begin to leave. El Tigre takes off his tights to get more comfortable and Arschloch rolls over to get more space.

J.R.: A brilliant move!

At this point a few members of the medical team quietly sneak in and make sure that the wires are connected correctly. One nurse tries to adjust the wires connected to A.A. but he half-heartedly swats at her.

J.R.: Uh, tonight we have a WORLD TITLE MATCH featuring none other than Theldorrin and his robotic counterpart, Queerbasher facing off against the flamboyant Romeo Krystal and the champion Handsomus R. Awesome! It looks to be a hellacious match!

Schiavone: This is looking to be the greatest match in FTUW’s admittedly short history!

J.R.: This one?

Schiavone: No, no, I’m talking about the main event.

J.R.: Oh, yeah, I agree.

In the ring El Tigre jerks the covers over to his side and Arschloch elbows him in the back. The crowd stirs a little.

J.R.: Bah gawd! And Arschloch has dealt out some retribution! The first blow of the match has been struck!

El Tigre suddenly reaches under the bed and begins digging around for something.

Schiavone: What is Tigre looking for? A chair?

J.R.: No it’s … a BOTTLE OF TEQUILA!

Tigre twists off the cap and begins drinking the tequila!

Schiavone: Tigre is looking to get drunk so he’ll fall asleep faster! How is Arschloch going to react to this!

“Enough of this fucking faggot shit!” a loud voice booms out from the backstage and easily echoes throughout the arena.
The mysterious man known as Pappy Arschloch ducks under the entrance awning and begins walking down the ramp, dragging his massive battle axe behind him. Everything above his waist is obscured in darkness.

Arschloch is awakened by the thunderous footsteps and turns his head to see a giant, black darkness wash over him and the entire ring. Before he can react a massive, hairy paw slaps him, impacting him into the bed and the bed deep into the ring. El Tigre is sending sprawling from the bed and tumbles out the ring. Pappy Arschloch retracts his enormous tree trunk arm.

J.R.: BAH GAWD! BAH GAWD! HE SENT HIM TO HEELLLLLL!! HE’S A MONSTER! A GAWD DAMNED MONSTER AND HE SENT HIS OWN SON TAH HELL!

The bell is rung repeatedly as the medical team rushes into the ring.

Schiavone: I’m being told that ARSCHLOCH WAS WON! ARSCHLOCH WINS THE MATCH! Our doctor at ringside says that the force of the blow has knocked him unconscious! The brain waves aren’t lying, folks!

Pappy Arschloch retrieves the bloody corpse of his son and places it in a giant burlap sack before slinging it over his shoulders. El Tigre looks distraught, but mostly confused. Then suddenly, a woman dives out from the crowd demanding child support, and El Tigre escapes quickly up the entrance ramp.


Last edited by Vinny on Sat Mar 31, 2007 2:01 pm; edited 1 time in total
Vinny
[00:10] How can you get an erect dick into your own ass?
Joined: 16 Jan 2007
Posts: 5181
(Sat Jan 20, 2007 1:36 am)
Reply

Post     Re: FTUW'S BIG MURDERFIST BONANZA (#3)

Written by Vinny

J.R.: That was an interesting match, to say the least!

Schiavone: You're right, J.R. Arschloch technically won, but will he even be able to compete next week? Regardless, I'm getting word now it's time for our next match, "The Merciless" Jonesie vs. Matth Rock.

J.R.: There's a long and bloody history between these two opponents. Matth Rock, on one hand, is a zombie amalgamation of the recently deceased FTUW wrestlers Max Rock and Matthew! Jonesie is a pirate looking for the sacred emerald medallion. Coincidentally, the mysterious man that ressurected and made that damned Frankenstein's monster has placed the emerald medallion in his eyes!

Schiavone: This is almost as well-written as the time Mae Young gave birth to a hand!

J.R.: And with that Todd Lightning has entered the ring to announce our competitors.

Todd Lightning: The following match is scheduled for one fall! First, hailing from both Los Angeles, California and Texas ... MATTH ROOOOOCK!

The lights dim and purple mist begins pouring out of the entrance way. The stumbling zombie monstrosity is being tailed by a gigantic elephant skeleton, re-animated dark forces. On top of the skeleton is four massive drums and Norman Bald-win, with his four arms, is playing them all simultaenously.

J.R.: Now I've seen alot in my days but a walking elephant skeleton is a first!

Matth Rock enters the ring, his emerald eyes casting a ominous green glow on the ring.

Lightning: And his opponent ... coming from parts unknown ...

Lightning's speech is interrupted by CANNON FIRE. A giant hole in formed in the south wall of the arena and a large section of the crowd EXPLODES into bloody chunks, torn apart by a cannon ball. The south wall crumbles even further when JONESIE'S SHIP, THE MEGHAN MARIE, CRASHES THROUGH IT!

J.R.: BAH GAWD! WHAT TA HELL'S HAPPENING!

Schiavone: How is this possible! This arena is land-locked!

Jonesie stands on the mast of the ship, swigging a large bottle of rum and swinging his cutlass around. He grabs a rope hanging from the rafters and SWINGS DOWN TO THE RING!

"YAAAAAAAAARGGG!!" Jonesie shouts, swinging into the ring and dropkicking Matth Rock off his feet!

His crew, the Pirates of the Black Apocalypse, follow suit and begin raping the women in the crowd and slaughtering the men!

J.R.: Goddamnit, security! Get those damned sons of bitches out of here!

Jonesie doesn't wait for the bell to strike at Matth Rock with his cutlass. Rock blocks it with his palm, the tip of the blade piercing his putrid flesh. Rock grips the blade tight and disarms Jonesie, tossing it over to Norman Bald-win. With that they lock up and Matth Rock quickly takes him to the mat!

J.R.: That mat ain't covered in BBQ sauce so it can't taste good!

"The Merciless" Jonesie begins repeatedly elbowing Matth Rock in the gut, attempting to make him reliquinsh the hold. A few more blows and MATTH ROCK'S GUTS SPLIT OPEN, spewing out congealed internal organs and maggots. Audience members (the ones not raped or murdered) begin vomitting. Jonesie, a man of the sea, is not fazed!

Matth Rock is emotionless. He sends a powerful uppercut, knocking Jonesie nearly out of his buckled shoes and into the turnbuckle. Matth Rock slowly gathers up his intestines.

Schiavone: I've seen lots of bloody heads in the ring and some quite a few broken bones, but I've never seen a wrestler get disembowled! This is the FTUW difference right here, folks!

Jonesie is trying to gain his bearings while laying against the turnbuckle as Matth Rock stumbles over to him. He begins throwing a series of thunderous punches, using his inhuman strength to break Jonesie's ribs! Matth Rock takes a step back and Jonesie collapses onto the mat, vomiting up a bit of blood.

J.R.: He's bleeding as fast as a heartbeat!

Matth Rock takes a few steps back and charges at Jonesie. Jonesie deftly rolls out of the way and Rock crashes into the ringpost, splattering his shabbily reconstructed skull all over the turnbuckle and some of the audience! With this as his opportunity, Jonesie calls out to one of his crew for a pistol!

J.R.: A pistol! That's cheating!

Schiavone: Open your eyes, J.R.! This is a death match!

Matth Rock pulls his smashed-in face off the turnbuckle and turns around, only to be met with a bullet to the chest. However, Jonesie should know that bullets have no effect on zombies!

Jonesie: Yarg! I'll be gettin' back what is rightfully mine! Those emeralds you be usin' as eyes!

The emeralds slip out of the broken sockets of Matth Rock's skull and slip down his slimy face. In a flash, purple mist rises from under the ring and RECONSTRUCTS Matth Rock's skull! Rock takes a fighting stance and beckons for him to attack!

Jonesie tosses his pistol aside and rushes forward. He executes a series of punches and kicks quickly on Matth Rock's sour flesh but Matth Rock, feeling no pain, slaps him aside with ease. Jonesie crawls back to his feet but a TITANTIC KICK sends him FLYING THROUGH THE AIR AND OUT OF THE RING.

J.R.: Bah gawd! That nearly took his head off!

Jonesie continues sailing into the air until he crashes face-first into NORMAN BALD-WIN, knocking him off the gigantic elephant skeleton. Bald-win loosens his grip and Jonesie's cutlass flips into the air. Jonesie snatches and takes a confident pose!

Schiavone: Now we're getting somewhere!

Matth Rock sprints to the edge of the ring and crouches down, gathering energy for a massive leap. He soars from the ring to meet Jonesie's cutlass, stabbing him deep into the chest. Rock responds with an elbow that sends them both to the entrance ramp.

Jonesie charges again, cutlass above his head, but Matth Rock has pulled the LEG OF THE ELEPHANT SKELETON and is now wielding it as a weapon. The entire elephant crashes in the background as the two competitors interlock weapons!

J.R.: And now Matth Rock is wielding an elephant bone like a sword!

They clash repeatedly but the weight of Rock's elephant bone defeats Jonesie's excellent swordsmanship. Jonesie's cutlass is crushed into dozens of shards. Jonesie grips his fists in anger, looking hopeless and defeated. ROCK raises his ELEPHANT BONE above his head and swings it down with his UNDEAD STRENGTH, CRASHING DOWN INTO JONESIE'S HUMAN FRAME.

But not really! Jonesie has leapt on top of the elephant bone. Without pausing for a second, he runs up the bone and begins repeatedly kicking ROCK IN THE FACE, SENDING HIM AIRBORNE. With the momentum, they continue flying through the air, Jonesie's lightning quick kicks PROPELLING ROCK FURTHER.

WHILE HOVERING IN MID-AIR, Jonesie pulls out a bottle of rums and gulps some down.

"I be drinkin' to your death, swabby. Aye, I'll also be takin' these," he says while snatching away ROCK'S EMERALD EYES.

JONESIE PUNCTUATES THE ATTACK WITH A FINAL STOMP. This sends ROCK CAREENING STRAIGHT DOWN TO THE RING, IMPALING HIM ON A RING POST. He begins quivering violently and FINALLY EXPLODES INTO A GEYSER OF ROT AND BLOOD, showering the arena.

J.R.: BAH GAWD, HE DONE IT! HE KILLED MATTH ROCK AND CLAIMED THE SACRED EMERALDS FOR HIS OWN!

Jonesie falls into the ring with a crash, injuring him severily. But it doesn't matter to him, evident by the smile creeping on his face. He's obtained what he's came for the FTUW for.

"Not so fast Jonesie ..." a voice booms throughout the ring. The lights dim to darkness and Jonesie shouts a curse.

"You didn't really think I'd really give Matth Rock the sacred emeralds, did you? Oh no, these emeralds are far more important than you even realize."

Schiavone: What a dirty trick! Jonesie is none too happy with that.

"If you really want them, Jonesie, you're going to have to take them from me!"

The lights turn back on and Jonesie is seen rushing down the entrance ramp after Norman Bald-win.


Last edited by Vinny on Sat Mar 31, 2007 2:00 pm; edited 1 time in total
Vinny
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Joined: 16 Jan 2007
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(Sat Jan 20, 2007 1:36 am)
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Post     Re: FTUW'S BIG MURDERFIST BONANZA (#3)

Written by SuperPSaturn

Lightning: This match is a suicide bomb match! Both men are flying on the wing of a commercial jet which is filled with parachutes and explosives. In ten minutes, the jet will reach its scheduled destination where there will be two structures: a replica of the World Trade Center and a giant statue of Osama bin Laden. The wrestlers must climb into the cockpit, steer the plane towards the structure they wish to destroy and blow it up! The parachutes will allow the competitors to escape at any point in time.

Our first competitor, from Jihadistan, weighing in at 198 pounds, The All-Mighty, Non-Forgiving, Non-Merciful, Mohammad Jaffer Bin Abul DESTRUCTION.

Bin Destruction is on the right wing of the plane, which still hasn’t taken off. He is praying loudly to Allah and is holding a box cutter in each hand.

Lightning: And his opponent, from Redmond, Washington, weighing in at 115 pounds, Bitmask!

Bitmask is calculating a series of complex figures that provide him with where and how to position himself on the plane so that he can use velocity and wind pressure to his advantage. He is wearing a oxygen mask since he is aware that the air is extremely thin at that altitude.

Bitmask: Mother, I shall finally put an end to terrorism. I’ll show the world that technology and logic wins over blind, misplaced faith!

JR: Well Tony, that arrogant camel humper is about to get what’s coming to him!

TS: Sorry JR, but I’m Muslim. Islam is the best religion that ever existed!

JR: The expression of your religious beliefs protected under the constitution sickens me!

The plane takes off and the match begins. T-minus ten minutes.

Bitmask pulls out a pocket acetylene torch and starts opening the cockpit of the plane. Bin Destruction crawls over to him but is having trouble fighting the wind and can barely stay on the plane, let alone attack. Bitmask is having no trouble whatsoever.

Bitmask: It’s obvious that your antiquated strategies and weapons are obsolete. Only by adapting and evolving can humans hope to achieve anything!

Bin Destruction: Did you say…EVOLVE?! ALALALALALALA!

Using the box cutters to stab into the plane and secure himself, he quickly crawls over to Bitmask. He attempts to cut his throat from behind but the knife only strikes metal. Bitmask sprays pepper spray in his face and Bin Destruction rolls off the outside of the cockpit onto the wing. He grabs onto the wing at the last second to keep from falling off.

Bitmask: Learning and changing accordingly is how humans become stronger. I had a metal collar put under the skin around my neck in anticipation of your sneak attack. Don’t bother trying anymore!

JR: That’s one clever fella! His pure white blood allows him to make such cunning predictions!

Bitmask breeches the cockpit and gets at the controls. He hacks into the plane’s computer and programs it to lock onto the Osama statue and makes it impossible to reprogram. Satisfied, he calmly puts on a parachute and prepares to jump out.

As he opens the plane door, Bin Destruction kicks him in the face. He had been lying in wait for him to try his escape and now he is beating Bitmask down with punches. He uses the box cutters to pin Bitmask’s hands to the ground and runs to the controls. He is frustrated when he finds out that the plane won’t change direction. T-minus five minutes.

Bitmask: Fool! Just escape! You can’t win so at least escape with your life!

Bin Destruction: White infidel! What you devils don’t understand is that a human being can achieve great things with his life! Your pathetic western civilization has made you soft and dependant on your corrupt tools! Now to show you what the life of a man can achieve!

Bin Destruction takes a crate out of the cargo hold which is filled to the brim with various types of bombs. In the crate is a hundred sticks of dynamite. He lights and tosses one out the plane door and it explodes in mid-air. He keeps doing so until he has emptied the whole box. Shrapnel is embedded in almost every part of his body and he has lost several fingers in the process.

Bitmask: What was that for? You just wanted to show you could act like a fool? Well you’ve certainly proven your point!

Bitmask managed to take off his shoe while Bin Destruction was throwing dynamite out the door. Inside was a long, articulated claw that he is able to controls with his toes. He removes the box cutters from his hands and quickly runs to the cockpit. He climbs up through the hole he made to get in and jumps off the plane and releases his parachute. T-minus one minute.

Bitmask takes out his Blackberry and starts writing an e-mail to his mom about his success. He stops when he looks up at the plane and sees it heading towards the WTC replica. The explosions from the dynamite altered the course of the plane until it was aimed right at Bin Destruction’s target.

Bitmask curses his own stupidity. His over reliance on computers cost him the match. While trying to figure out where he could have gone wrong, Bin Destruction comes out of nowhere and 9/11’s him in mid-air!

JR: 9/11! 9/11! 9/11! HE KNOCKED HIM RIGHT OUT OF HIS SIZE 6 BOOTS!

TS: Bitmask jumped out of the plane door after Bitmask and used the velocity of his fall to nail Bitmask with a SUPER 9/11! UNBELIEVEABLE!

Bin Destruction decides to release his parachute rather than drive an unconscious Bitmask straight into the ground from the sky.

Bin Destruction: Better to live to die another day!

The plane crashed into the WTC replica and burns it to the ground. All the protestors from the PTC who were appalled by the match were in the building talking to who they thought was Brock McHarris. It was really a Mexican immigrant dressed in a suit. They all perish in the flames.

Both Bitmask and Bin Destruction touch down on the ground. Bitmask is taken away on a stretcher and a referee raises Bin Destruction’s hand in victory.

Bin Destruction: ALLAH AKBAR! This is a precursor to the death and destruction that will befall the white infidel! You are warned!

JR: We ain’t infidels! We’re AMERICAN! (eats a pig covered in BBQ sauce then takes a shit on the Qur’an).
Vinny
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Joined: 16 Jan 2007
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(Sat Jan 20, 2007 1:37 am)
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Post     Re: FTUW'S BIG MURDERFIST BONANZA (#3)

Written by SuperPSaturn

The FTUW team apologizes for not meeting its promised date for all matches but we'd like to show you the main event anyway and add the other matches at a later date. Enjoy our Big Murder Fist Bonanza main event!

Joey Lightning: Introducing special guest commentator FTUW commissioner BROCK J. MCHARRIS!

(Crowd cheers as McHarris walks out to ringside and shakes JR’s hand and pats Tony Shiovani’s jar. He puts on a headset and sits down in between the two.)

BJM: Hey guys, thanks for letting me sit in. This is a match I’ve wanted to see for a while now.

JR: Well I dunno what to say bout it really. Other than yer broadcast last week we haven’t gotten any information about how this is going to work.

TS: Possibly the most mysterious match I’ve ever heard of.

BJM: Well to tell you the truth I’m not sure what to expect myself. There’s only one way to find out…

(The three announcers along with all the fans in the arena turn their attention up towards 4 enormous monitors lowering over the ring. A shot of pure white comes up and it seems the cameras might be broken until it pans to the right and a large black structure can be seen. Apparently the setting is somewhere very cold and very isolated as no other buildings can be seen.)

JR: We appear to be broadcasting from some sort of snowed in area…

BJM: Deep in the heart of Antarctica, actually. We took special care to see that no onlookers would get themselves hurt.

TS: Onlookers hurt? Just what are we about to see here?

(BJM just smiles and looks on with a twinkle in his eyes. The screen changes to a full view of the snowy wasteland and a helicopter is just barely heard over the high-pitched whistle of the winds. A group of men wave to the copter and it lands sinking deep into the snow. Out steps Romeo Krystal wearing a huge puffy coat covered in glitter and a pair of designer raver goggles. He tosses a set of keys at one of the men who misses the catch and has to dig through the snow hopelessly trying to find them. Romeo walks up to the house and crosses his arms staring upwards.)

JR: Mr. Krystal makes a flashy entrance s’ always and we’re just now getting’ a sense of the sheer SCALE of this place.

TS: Why it…it just goes on forever…this is bigger than any mansion I’ve ever seen.

BJM: He he ah yes. And if you think the outside is impressive then just wait.

(Several of the men who helped guide Romeo Krystal’s plane are struggling to stay on their feet as vicious winds blow snow in all directions.)

JR: It seems like a storms a brewin’…..Wait, that’s no storm!

(The camera pans up to see a large spherical craft descending through the thick fog of snow. As it nears the ground the men are blown away rolling backwards helplessly from the sheer force of the ship’s engines. It touches down and after a few silent moments steam erupts from a rectangle in front which it turns out is a door that lowers forward into stairs. It comes as no surprise that Theldorrin XIII and Queerbasher are the next participants to arrive.

It takes only a second for Queerbasher to spot Romeo Krystal and his intense hatred shows even through those metallic eyes. Queerbasher’s trademark pipe shoots upward from behind him and he grabs it without even looking. He takes a step forward but Theldorrin has only to give a look to tell his minion to stay where he is.)

TS: It seems Theldorrin has defused a pre match scuffle. It’s still unclear as to these two men’s alliance and just how far it goes with the world title up for grabs.

JR: This is a free fer all, Tony, and that means only one winner. We’ll see just how close they are by the end of this.

TS: Well three of the participants are ready but there’s still no sign of Handsomus R. Awesome.

(As if by cue a fucking insane guitar riff cracks through the howling winds and Handsomus flies into view at breakneck speeds. It seems as if he’s going to crash he’s approaching the ground so fast but a mere 20 feet to impact Handsomus leaps from the God-Tar and flips forward twice planting his feet firmly on the ground. He stands up straight towering over Romeo and Queerbasher but eye to eye with Theldorrin. The Guitar circles around and flies to the waiting hand of Awesome. As if it could happen any other way the crowd is absolutely spastic with chants of “AWE-SOME, AWE-SOME.”)

JR: Will you listen to that standing ovation? Handsomus has established himself as a true defender of justice in these few months.

TS: He looks as determined as I’ve ever seen him, JR. You can just FEEL the electricity!

(BJM sits silently still smiling and not taking his eyes off the screen for a moment. Having finally brushed themselves off the men approach the group of warriors and give them instructions inaudible through the screen’s speakers due to the wind.)

JR: So just what’re we seeing here, Brock?
BRM: WELL…Each contestant is being instructed to enter the house from a different one of the four sides. Inside they’ll face…well, let’s say a “warm-up” before making their way to the ground floor chamber that connects to the rest of the house.

(The screen splits into four different cameras each following one of the wrestlers. They all enter their respective doors which slam shut the second they pass through. Romeo Krystal walks through a dark corridor until he finds himself in a large circular room filled with collections of medieval weaponry adorning the walls and four enormous suits of armor against the walls looking at each other in an X pattern. Every crevice and railing is meticulously carved from wood and steel and magnificent red carpets run across the floor and up a set of stairs to a higher catwalk.)

Romeo Krystal: Hm. Surprising to find some class in this abomination.

JR: Now that’s a room that’d make the Sultan of Agra bah jealous, I reckon.

(Romeo puts his hands on his hips and looks the room up and down relatively unimpressed as he removes his coat and tosses it on the floor carelessly. After a moment he heads for the stairs but as he approaches the sound of squealing metal cuts through the silence. It’s the joints of those armors now approaching Krystal with battle-axes in hand.)

TS: MY GOD! FOUR ON ONE? Just what is going on here?

BJM: Perhaps you remember me mentioning the people placed inside? They’re all over the place hiding. Even I don’t know where they’ll pop out.

JR: Steel chairs’re one thing but these men’re brandishing full on WEAPONRY. They can’t be thinking of using those on Romeo Krystal!

(JR turns to BJB with a look of puzzled concern on his face but BJB just continues to smile and enjoy the show. Romeo smirks as the gigantic armored men approach. He looks at his diamond-encrusted watch in ridicule of the plodding assassins. With shocking speed the axe crashes down on top of Romeo nearly splitting him in two. Luckily Romeo moved with blinding speed and just missed being hit though the axe rips off a bit of his shirt. Romeo looks down at the shirt speechless and slowly raises his head. His eyes have grown wide and trembling as veins appear on his forehead.)

RK: Do you know….how…MUCH…I…PAID FOR THIS SHIRT!??

(The man rears back for another swing but before he can strike Romeo has charged at him with a spinning heal kick that puts a large dent into the helmet knocking the beastly man to the ground. Romeo is already back on his feet as the three other armors look up and charge. Romeo ducks one axe and throws his legs up into a midair split to avoid one coming across his ankles. A third strike comes from overhead but chops deep into fine red carpet only. Struggling to pull the axe out the armor is shocked to see Romeo run up the shaft of his axe and throw himself into the air to unleash a devastating drop kick to the face. The helmet not only dents but the man’s entire neck is bent backwards clearly broken.)

TS: What speed and explosive striking power! Romeo Krystal might just take home the gold tonight!

(Romeo turns to face the remaining three armors, the one he kicked earlier back on his feet all with axes at the ready. Romeo marches towards them as the camera changes to Theldorrin’s trial. Theldorrin walks into a long metallic hallway and sees a door at the other end. He takes a step forward but immediately backflips to avoid a several ton cleaver ripping out of the ceiling.)

JR: BAH GAWD!!! WHAT IN THE HELL IS THIS? This is supposed to be a wrestling match, not a damned fight fer survival!

BJM: Every match is a fight for survival. How is this any different?

(JR and TS look at BJM in stunned silence as he watches the screen. The Cleaver retracts back into the ceiling slowly and Theldorrin, his facial expression remaining unchanged simply looks down the hallway as his right eye buzzes and whirs its lens into focus. Through Theldorrin’s eyes he is picking up red outlines of all the hidden traps in the room. A few strings of numbers flash by too fast for any normal human to distinguish and Theldorrin smirks.)

Theldorrin:. …Pathetic….

(With a running start Theldorrin charges forward.)

JR: Has he lost his marbles? He’ll be KILLED!

(Theldorrin dashes past the cleaver before it can land and leaps forward over a floor that falls out from under him. In mid-air Theldorrin twists his body like a drill passing through tiny openings in a series of interlocking steel spikes that Blast through the walls floor and ceiling. As he lands Theldorrin rolls forward and to his feet immediately bounding against the left wall to avoid a guillotine swinging forward to the right of the hallway and darting to the other wall just barely missing another on the left side coming back from swinging in the opposite direction. Theldorrin stops about a dozen feet from the door and the floor walls and ceiling turn into series of spinning spiked grinders completely covering the distance between Theldorrin and the door. Theldorrin rears back and punches both his arms forward which extend attached by snakelike steel cables and easily blast the door off its hinges and out of the way. Theldorrin’s hands grab the side of the doorway and he pulls his body through catapulting over the hazard and out the door.)

JR:………

TS:…….

BJM: Wow, that was really something’ huh?

(The camera switches to follow Queerbasher who is crossing a rickety rope bridge over a chasm with no bottom in sight. Queerbasher marches across the bridge without a hint of fear until two enormous men appear at the end of the bridge both brandishing huge spears that have not only tips but also blades jutting out of the sides. They both run onto the bridge and towards Queerbasher apparently with no fear themselves. Queerbasher just stands waiting pipe in hand. The first guy thrusts his spear forward directly at Queerbasher’s throat but Queerbasher simply bends his torso to the side slightly the spearhead and blades passing him by. Some of the blades just barely touch the side of his neck but it is an area that has been replaced by metal and merely creates a few sparks from the friction.)

JR: Whah he’s not even human no more! What in the hell’s Theldorrin done to this young man?

TS: Clearly Queerbasher is no longer the paragon of virtue we grew to know and love.

(Queerbasher grabs the spear before it can be brought back and pulls the wielder forward kneeing him in the stomach so hard that the guy is thrust 10 feet into the air. Before the man can land Queerbasher swings his pipe like a baseball bat and with a sickening echoing thud sends the man careening over the edge into the abyss below. The other man rears back to thrust his spear forward but this time Queerbasher prepares to swing his pipe as well. With unheard of precision Queerbasher’s pipe hits the man’s spear directly on its tip making the handle of the spear warp and explode into splinters which tear into the guy’s eyeballs. He screams clawing at his face as Queerbasher marches forward. Within range, Queerbasher grabs the man by the throat and lifts the huge man into the air as if he were weightless. Queerbasher’s chest expands as he sucks in a huge amount of air and he pauses for only a moment before:)

Queerbasher: QUUUUUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(the very air warps with shockwaves coming out of Queerbasher’s mouth. The man being held at point blank range screams in agony though it can’t be heard. His head throbs and fills with veins popping out everywhere until his entire head explodes like a rotten tomato hit with a sledgehammer.)

JR: …gah…th…those….

TS: This is madness! These are MEN being SLAUGHTERED in front of us!!

BJM: Well, remember they’re all from West Virginia.

JR: Oh, yeah that’s right.

TS: Ah okay then.

(JR and TS smile at the action on screen. Queerbasher drops the headless corpse over the edge and walks to the door. The camera changes to our last contestant, the one and only Handsomus R. Awesome who is walking through an enormous room that looks like it was taken from an Egyptian Pharaoh’s crypt. At the end of the room is a huge chasm filled to the brim with bubbling lava. Handsomus looks across the chasm and sees the door leading out surrounded with a circular pattern of hieroglyphics. Handsomus bends his knees in preparation to jump the gap when he feels a rumble from below the floor.)

JR: What in the hell else could this house be hiding?

(Handsomus gazes into the lava that is bubbling more furiously than before until an explosive geyser of lava covers the entire area. Handsomus jumps behind a stone pillar to avoid the glowing magma. He notices his Jacket is on fire and pats it out unfazed. The giant cowboy warrior peers out from the stone pillar and sees what caused the wave of lava. In the pit of lava is a gigantic writhing mass of tentacles and teeth conjoining into a large single eyeball and jaw that unfolds into a horrific display of thousands of jagged razors. The creature is apparently at home in the lava as it is unharmed by the intense heat.)

JR: HOLEH MOTHERFUCKIN SHIT!

TS: What in the WORLD is this PERVERSION OF NATURE?

BJM: (laughs) The boys in Genetic R&D have really outdone themselves.

(Handsomus is unimpressed. Who knows what bizarre creatures the intergalactic traveler has encountered before this. Handsomus looks up and sees there are two huge structures at opposite sides of the room On top of the both structures are seated chain guns pointing towards the pit. Connecting the two towers are a wire and bar for riding across.)

JR: Well I guess it’s pretty clear how this is gonna play out.

(Handsomus blows a breath of steam out through his nostrils as the creature becomes more volatile by the second swiping at Handsomus who stands just out of reach. Handsomus rolls his eyes and walks over to one of the structures. However instead of climbing it Handsomus grabs the support leg of the structure in a bear hug unable to get his arms even halfway around the massive THING. Awesome grits his teeth and bends his knees as his muscles tense. The solid stone floor around his feet begins to crack under the enormous pressure until the leg itself begins cracking. With a yell of adrenaline Handsomus RIPS THE PILLAR OUT OF THE GROUND and breaks it off of the structure, which collapses immediately. Handsomus hoists the Oak Tree sized pillar onto his shoulder with the jagged end ripped from the structure in front.)

JR: DEAR LORD. I’ve never imagined there wuz anybody that strong! Not since Lex Luger body slammed Yokozuna!

TS: His raw power is without question the greatest I’ve ever seen!! But why??!

(Handsomus charges at the beast with his giant pillar on top of his shoulder dodging from side to side to avoid the crushing blows of the magma-covered tentacles!! Handsomus LEAPS INTO THE AIR WITH THE UNSPEAKABLY HEAVY PILLAR ON HIS SHOULDER AND VAULTS RIGHT ON TOP OF THE FUCKING MONSTER’S EYEBALL!!!!!!! The pillar now imbedded deep into the creatures eye serves to bring Handsomus to the other side of the gap. He opens the door as the creature shrieks in agony and sinks back to the hellfire from whence it came.)

JR: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!

TS: WAZZA FUCKER NERFAGGIN WHAT JUST HAPPENED??

(The commissioner sits silently but now smiling with what few teeth he has left showing. The trials over the four finally meet face to face to face to face in the dilapidated lobby. This room is unlike the others as it looks like it’s been there a hundred years it’s so ridden with dust and mold.)

Queerbasher: (Raises his pipe and points it at Romeo.) QUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRR!!

(Queerbasher charges an unexpectedly calm Romeo Krystal. He runs with such force that every step he takes kicks a foot-sized crater into the stone floor. Queerbasher leaps at Krystal with his pipe over his head ready to strike. But he goes RIGHT THROUGH Krystal and crashes into the wall behind him kicking up a huge amount of dust and debris. An enraged Queerbasher pushes several planks of rotted wood that have piled on top of him away and looks at Romeo Krystal in confusion.)

Theldorrin: (stands to the side of the room opposite Awesome with his arms folded) …Wretched imbecile…

Romeo Krystal: Heeheeheeheehee, oh you’re so cute when you’re stupid!

(Queerbasher looks up and sees Romeo Krystal on an upper balcony with some lanterns and a body length mirror. Queerbasher shakes uncontrollably and screams in something between animal and machine.)

Theldorrin: QUEERBASHER!

(Queerbasher is startled and snaps out of his rage immediately to focus on Theldorrin.)

Theldorrin: It was a stupid trick and you were stupid for being fooled. If you’d used your scanners you’d of known it was a projected image! Now, FOCUS! You’re more than a mere organic now. Don’t make me regret having created you!

JR: Ah, the oldest trick in the book. First used by Danny Unlikely in 1829.

TS: The greatest trick in the history of wrestling, JR!

JR: Well, no…

(Handsomus cracks his knuckles and twists his head to the sides. Theldorrin uncrosses his arms and smiles.)

Theldorrin: Today we finish this, Handsomus! No time limit to save you now. SHOW ME! Show me the limits of HUMAN strength!

(Theldorrin holds his arms out Signaling his challenge to attack. Handsomus obliges. Kicking off of the floor Handsomus crosses the room like a bolt of lightning throwing a punch at Theldorrin. Theldorrin dodges and blocks a second punch. Handsomus throws a furious combination attack striking at Theldorrin’s face and midsection but each attack is dodged, blocked, or parried.)

JR: Wh-well I can barely follow thar movements! It’s all a blur.

(Handsomus throws a sidekick towards Theldorrin’s face which Theldorrin catches. Theldorrin uses his other hand to uppercut Handsomus in the gut sending him straight up smashing into the ceiling and falling back downward with rubble. On the way down Theldorrin catches Handsomus in the chest with a sidekick of his own. Handsomus rockets backwards and smashes through 2 wooden beams snapping them like twigs with the force. Now once again across the room from Handsomus Theldorrin crosses his arms once again.)

Theldorrin: I know your moves, human. You are merely a miscalculation that is easily rectified.

(Handsomus pushes himself up off the ground spitting some blood out before returning to his feet. Handsomus glares at Theldorrin under the brim of his hat and Takes off his trench coat. He punches into his own palm and the force blows a small circle of dust away from Handsomus.)

TS: Things aren’t looking good for Handsomus. He’s yet to land a single blow on Theldorrin!

JR: The psychological ramifications of this sorta thing can be tremendous on a wrestler early in his career!

(Queerbasher has gotten up on the same level as Romeo Krytal and is swinging his pipe at insane speeds. So much so that the friction of the pipe is setting some of the wood on fire.)

Queerbasher: NNNNGNGGGHHH WHAT THE FUUUUUUCK!!!!

(Romeo eludes the now super powered Queerbasher and heads through a door on the second level Queerbasher follows him through. Once Queerbasher passes the doorway he looks around for any sign of Krystal. This room is an old kitchen stocked with worn pans, plates, and whatever other crap you find in a kitchen. Queerbasher walks past the oven and it flips open and Romeo jumps out with a fork and stabs Queerbasher in his remaining human eye. Queerbasher screams out in pain as blood and eye juice runs down his face and chest. Queerbasher furiously swings his pipe at Romeo absolutely crushing the oven Romeo grabs a knife and runs through another doorway. Just outside the doorway is a set of stairs. Romeo leaps over the railing but as he’s falling he spins around and throws the knife at Queerbasher. Queerbasher with his new super senses laughs at the attempt as the knife is flying towards him.)

Queerbasher: I’ll just deflect it! Then I’m gonna FUCK YOU UP QUEEER!

(Queerbasher swings his pipe at the knife and when it’s within one cells space away from hitting the tip of the knife Queerbasher notices the gas from the oven gushing into the room. As the knife strikes his pipe Queerbasher screams!)

Queerbasher: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

(The spark from deflecting the knife sets off the gas and a phenomenal explosion envelopes everything in the room. Romeo Krystal falls just below the stream of FIRE THAT SHOOTS out the door! Romeo crashes through a stack of tables and rolls onto his back breathing heavy.)

Romeo: ….It’s….over….

JR: WHAT AN ATTACK.

TS: UNBELIEVABLE! HE WAS PLANNING THAT ALL ALONG!?? ROMEO KRYSTAL DEFEATED A SUPER COMPUTER IN A GAME OF WITS!!!!!

(Handsomus and Theldorrin are exchanging blows in another room after crashing through a series of doors. They’re now in a room Where Nearly every surface is covered in needles infected with AIDS, EBOLA, CHICKEN POX, and SUPER KILL SYRUM the most destructive shit ever.)

JR: This fight has gone all over the house! It looks like they’re not even gonna try to get the belt out of the house. These two are fighting to the DEATH!

(Theldorrin throws an enormous right which Handsomus dodges. While Theldorrin is leaning over Handsomus grabs him around the stomach and GUT WRENCH SUPLEXES HIM INTO AIDS AND SHIT!!! )

Theldorrin: YOU CAN’T HURT ME WITH YOUR PUNY HUMAN DISEASES, YOU DEFECT! HUMANITY ISN’T MEANT TO SURVIVE!!

(Theldorrin notices that his shoulder is sizzling due to the SUPER KILL SYRUM eating away at his metallic frame!)

THELDORRIN: GRRRAAHHH!!!

(Theldorrin throws an enormous haymaker that connects with Handsomus’ face! Handsomus flies across the room and into a wall full of needles! Theldorrin holds his arm in place and gets to his feet heading towards Handsomus to follow up on his attack. Handsomus is helpless with his back stuck to the wall. Theldorrin readies his double fist strike channeling his power into his arm hydraulics. Theldorrin’s forearms glow blue and sparkle with tiny bolts of electricity. Handsomus struggles to get down but sees that he can’t unhook himself. Handsomus grits his teeth and his eyes glow white as he flexes his back so hard that the FUCKING WALL EXPLODES and Handsomus does a spinning kneel into an ULTRACUT smashing the prone Theldorrin who is helpless while powering up through 3 floors of ceilings.)

JR: BAAAAAAAH GAAAAWWWWWD!!!!!

(Upstairs Theldorrin whose arm has completely melted off at the shoulder joint limps to his feet, his joints badly crushed and difficult to move. Theldorrin knocks his arm down the hole he came up through. The arm falls until it is caught by Handsomus. Theldorrin looks down at Handsomus as he takes the arm in both hands as if he were giving and Indian sunburn. Handsomus squints his eyes and twists the arm until it splinters into shards of metal and wires. Theldorrin drags himself away as fast as he can.)

TS: Things aren’t looking good for Theldorrin. It’s unbelievable but Handsomus has completely turned this match around! Theldorrin is going to need a small miracle to…no….no FUCKING WAY….

(Theldorrin is dragged into another room as Handsomus climbs up after him. When the door is shut a skinny metallic skeletal looking creature is comforting Theldorrin.)

Theldorrin: Queer…basher…

Queerbasher: I’m here for ya buddy! I won’t let that Space Faggot lay a finger on ya!

(Theldorrin grabs a hold of Queerbasher’s metallic ribcage.)

Queerbasher: What, I….I can’t….move!
(A series of wires and tiny blowtorches and such slither out of Theldorrin’s missing shoulder socket. Queerbasher’s metallic skeleton is being eaten away by the wiring as Theldorrin’s missing arm and damaged joints begin to reform.)

Queerbasher: What…are you….doing!?...

Theldorrin: Nanotechnology combined with self-replication. All it needs is raw material to work from.

(Soon Queerbasher is just a spine and head and Theldorrin has completely repaired himself. Theldorrin stands up and picks up Queerbasher’s skull and some of his spine.)

Queerbasher: You…Fucking…QUEEEEERRRRR!!!!

JR: WOW, he even Killed his OWN PARTNER…How WILD!

(A compartment in Theldorrin’s back opens and he inserts the remains of Queerbasher into it. Theldorrin’s mechanics buzz and grind and his chest transforms into what looks like a cannon. Just then Handsomus R. Awesome kicks the door down!! Awesome looks surprised to see a cannon going off just as he opens the door. Out of the hole shoots a rocket made of Queerbasher’s head and spine. Queerbasher screams helplessly as he flies directly into Handsomus’ chest. The explosion blows the entire hallway apart.)

TS: Nyaarr ffaah hho-ley…..faaaawwwww

Theldorrin: Farewell Handsomus. You were an interesting case study…yet…only human in the end.

(Theldorrin turns his back to leave when the sound of clunking wood can be heard. Theldorrin slowly turns in what can only be described as shock. Across the blast radius a huge pile of burning rubble and shrapnel stirs…)

JR: NO! No no no! There’s absolutely NO WAY!!

TS: IM….POSSIBLE.

(Slowly out of the rubble rises a smoldering figure. It pushes its way through the debris and flames slowly but surely. Theldorrin is speechless. He can’t react at all.)

Theldorrin: What….what is this…sensation? Why can’t I? What….could it be….

(the smoke drifts away enough to see the tattered clothes and severely burnt body of Handsomus. Handsomus is completely entrenched in blood the only thing that can be seen clearly are his cold white eyes. Handsomus raises his arm and points at Theldorrin, his face filled with the determination to murder god.)

Theldorrin: F….FEAR?...

(Theldorrin looks down at his steel fingers carved like talons. But all he can do is tremble.)

Theldorrin: N-No. STAY BACK!

(Theldorrin falls backwards unable to balance. Handsomus Pulls his foot out of the rubble pulling him forward another step. The commentators are all absolutely speechless. The arena itself has become like a church.)

Handsomus: …You….don’t deserve to live…beyond today….

(The words come like the sound of a pickaxe being dragged across concrete. Handsomus takes another step forward and Theldorrin is unable to move a centimeter of his metallic frame.)

TS: The fact that Awesome is even alive is a miracle in itself but to get to his feet and proceed with the match?!!?

JR: That boy’s got the blood n’ must’ve a champion!

(Handsomus’ eyes turn from their usual white to a dark red. Wisps of energy flow off him in the same crimson hue. As he gets closer the energy spikes and grows frenzied burning the floor he walks on and singing all the whip-like strands come into contact with. Theldorrin is shown staring, the lenses of his eyes showing wide with fear as Handsomus now stands before him. The burning energy would surely burn Theldorrin’s skin off if it wasn’t made of tempered space-steel.)

JR: This is it! Theldorrin don’t know what to do!

(Handsomus brings back his fist his eyes burning so hot that they leave trails of red wherever they go. The towering hero of time and space stays his hand, however. He grips his right arm around the forearm and pulls it close to his stomach gritting his teeth. The fiery red energy seems to be simmering down.)

Handsomus: N-NO!....NOT…THAT FIST….I WON’T!

(Handsomus seems to be doubled over in pain holding in the ferocious energy that now struggles to pour out of its vessel. Theldorrin’s eyes finally focus and he throws his right arm back while kneeling directly in front of Handsomus.)

TS: What’s this!? Handsomus won’t attack and now Theldorrin is finally coming back to life!

(The sound of a phone interrupting a modem signal erupts from Theldorrin as he SUPER SMASHES his palm into HANDSOMUS’ CHEST! Upon impact a MAGNIFICENT BLUE LIGHT expands throwing out huge bolts of raw electricity. The light envelops HANDSOMUS AND BLASTS his entire BODY through the fucking ROOF of the house blowing most of the roof off!!!! HANDSOMUS ROCKETS OFF ACROSS THE HORIZON captured in the BLUE ORB and keeps going until he is out of sight!)

BJH: WHOA!

JR: WHAT IN THE HELL HAS THELDORRIN DONE! THE FORCE OF HIS ATTACK HAS SENT HANDSOMUS LITERALLY MILES!!!!

TS: NEVER IN THE HISTORY OF SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT!!

(Theldorrin drops his arm in exhaustion having used much of his energy reserves. Reserves that could power LAS VEGAS for a WEEK!! He turns his smoldering head upwards and spots the highest tower of the house through the enormous hole his attack just made.)

JR: There it IS, wrestling fans! The room that contains the most sought after object in all of sports and quite probably the world today!

TS: The World Championship Belt!

JR: ….yes….

(Theldorrin is assessing the situation when out of the shadows comes Romeo Krystal plunging down upon Theldorrin with a sharpened pipe. The pipe is pinpointed right on Theldorrin’s neck, which is full of wiring and such and is the most vulnerable spot on his body! THE POINT OF THE PIPE is within an INCH of Theldorrin’s neck when it stops short! Theldorrin has grabbed the pipe and holds it in place with Romeo Krystal still holding on.)

JR: Wow, a gutsy attack from Romeo Krystal who, I have to admit, I forgot was even in this match!

(Theldorrin doesn’t even turn his head to look at Krystal. He just drops the pipe and Krystal with it to the ground and steps toward the tower and the championship belt.)

Romeo: Don’t turn your back on me you son of a bitch!

(Romeo leaps onto Theldorrin’s back and wraps his forearm around Theldorrin’s throat putting him into a sleeper choke. However, Theldorrin doesn’t even seem to acknowledge it and jumps, with Romeo still on him, to the tower. Theldorrin drives his metal fingers deep into the wall and tears it off like it were Styrofoam revealing a solid steel enclosure with a door sporting one of those wheels you turn to open the door.)
Theldorrin: This is it.

(Off in the distance FTUW satellites capture Handsomus still flying into the stratosphere apparently unconscious. Every bone in his body has been shattered. In his head Handsomus sees images of Space Valhalla, Ronnie James Dio, and Manlinius flashing in succession.)

TS: How are we seeing this?

(Brock shrugs as the three announcers continue to watch.)

voice: Is this all that you are?

(Handsomus stirs at the sound of the voice)

voice: Will you sacrifice this planet? Give in to this pain?

(Handsomus’ fists clench and his teeth grind.)

voice: Rise Handsomus! Your work is not finished!!

Handsomus: STARRRSTRUUUUUCK!!!!

(Handsomus’ guitar responds blasting out of the snow and flying to him at the speed of light!! When it hits his hand Handsomus begins to glow until his entire body is enveloped in a blinding white! Handsomus glows so brightly that he is like a star himself. An orb of pure energy. He stops flying across the landscape and levitates still for a moment before blasting off in the opposite direction. The snow below him is blasted off the ground by the sheer force of his flying!! The announcers can say nothing.

Back at the house Theldorrin has ripped the door off it’s hinges and apparently knocked out Romeo Krystal as he is laying motionless on the ground. Theldorrin picks up the belt and stares at it for a moment before exiting the room. Theldorrin jumps from the doorway of the tower room off the roof and to the outside of the house with the belt in hand. However just before his feet reach the ground he is SLAM TACKLED out of mid-air by Handsomus! The two keep flying parallel to the ground and Handsomus positions THELDORRIN so that Theldorrin’s legs are at Handsomus’ head. He holds tightly around Theldorrin’s stomach as the two SLAM INTO THE SIDE OF A FUCKING MOUNTAIN!!!!)

JR: INTERGALACTIC GALACTIC DRIVER!! A HORIZONTAL VARIATION ON HANDSOMUS’ SIGNATURE MOVE! WHO’D OF EVER IMAGINED!!!

(Upon impact Theldorrin’s entire body contorts with his neck at the central point of impact. Theldorrin’s entire body warps and then EXPLODES into shrapnel!!!! Handsomus’ light returns to normal and he collapses to the ground on top of the World Championship belt!)

JR: HE’S DONE IT! HANDSOMUS HAS DONE IT!

TS: EASILY THE MOST INSANE MATCH I’VE EVER SEEN, JR!!!

(The arena is full of fans killing themselves in ecstasy and huge explosions happening everywhere. The Antarctic has turned into a paradise and world peace has been achieved throughout the globe even if it’s only for one day due to the IMMENSE Rawkra dispersed!! Romeo Krystal stumbles out of the house just before it COLLAPSES sinking into a bottomless pit NEVER to be seen again! Confetti is being shot all over the arena and girls are ripping their shirts off in excitement!)

JR: WHAT A NIGHT! THANK YOU ALL FOR JOINING US FOR BIG MURDER FIST BONANZA!! BAH GAWD! BAH GAWD!! BAH GAWWD!!!

(The FTUW logo and copyright information appear in the bottom right hand of the screen as the screen fades to black.)
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