Dragon Ball Z Uncensored

[Vinny]

Written by Spamdini

Location: Dubai See Dubai Arena, somewhere in UAE
Date: Sunday, November 20, 2005
Commentators: Jim Ross and Tony Schiavone
Event: FTUW Intestinal Rape

Fireworks explode around the arena. The letters “FT” and “UW” are on each side of the entranceway. The song “We Luv Suckin’ Dick” by Limp Bizkit blares from the speakers, the theme song of FTUW Intestinal Rape.

Ross: “Welcome ladies and gentlemen to FTUW Intestinal Rape at the sold out Dubai See Dubai Arena! These fans are composed mostly of rich white tourists and spoiled Arab kids in love with western culture. Nevertheless, they’re ready for a rumble! I’m Jim Ross and as always with my broadcasting partner Tony Schiavone! It’s gonna be one helluva night!”

Schiavone: “Indeed it will be, JR! But remember to buy our next pay-per-view, FTUW Big Murder Fist Bonanza, on Sunday, November 27th! It’ll be the best event ever! THE BEST JR, THE BEST!”

Todd Lightning comes out to the ring. The ring crew ties a pole to the ring post. The pole has another pole attached to it on the top.

Lightning: “The following contest is a pole on a pole match. The rules are that the first man to climb the turnbuckle and take the pole off the other pole may use it as a weapon. The winner of the match is the first man to score a pinfall or submission or by knockout or death.
“Making his way to the ring, weighing in at 101 pounds, Queeeeeeeeeeerbasher!”

Queerbasher drives his pick-up to the ring. He’s wearing a wifebeater with an arrow pointing down and the words “Trying suckin’ on this!” He shouts “Queeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer?! Queeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer?!” as he looks around him for his opponent. He is sweating feverishly and looks like he is panicking. As he gets in the ring, he crouches in his corner and stares up at the pole. He has to grab the ropes to keep himself from running to its warm embrace.

Lightning: “And his opponent, weighing in at 180 pounds, from Parts Unknown, Romeo Krystál!”

Krystál is wearing a sequined purple leotard with two women grinding against him. A large muscular man in a speedo named Fredo flexes as he walks in front of Kyrstál. Fredo bends down as they reach the ring and Krystál uses his perfectly formed butt cheeks as a step up to the ring. Krystál walks to the opposite corner from Queerbasher and rubs his own nipples for good luck.

The bell rings and the match has begun. Queerbasher dashes towards the pole, frothing at the mouth for his precious bashing tool. Krystál uses a spinning kick to his opponent’s side to knock him down before he can reach the weapon. Queerbasher sets his sights on both target and veins begin to protrude from his skull.

Queerbasher: “QUEEEEEEEER! BASSSSSSSSHER! QUEEEEEEEEEEEEER! BAAAAAAAAASHER!”

Schiavone: “Never before have I felt such passion and hate from a man! I remind all our viewers that as exciting as this event is, it’s still not too late to buy our wonderful FTUW merchandise at www.ftuwshopblast.com.”

Ross: “It’s like a pig at a barn dance!”

Both men look to tie up but neither one can stand to actually touch the other, so they hesitate. Queerbasher is afraid he’ll contract AIDS and Krystál is afraid he’ll catch ugly. Krystál finally decides to put his opponent in a headlock to squeeze the ugly out of him. Small and frail, Queerbasher finds it impossible to power out. He then decides to stomp his opponent’s foot. Krystál shrieks in pain and Queerbasher follows up by driving his bony elbow into the man’s nose. Blood gushes from Krystál’s face now as he weeps over his beautiful self being ruined.

Queerbasher takes advantage of his opponent’s lapse in attention to try to climb up for his pole. Krystál snaps out of his trance in time to German suplex Queerbasher off the top turnbuckle.

Ross: “BAH GAWD! HE KILLED HIM WITH THAT SUPLEX!”

Krystál: “You’ll pay for damaging my beauty! This…this scar…Noooooooooooooooooooo!”

Krystál has had enough and madly stomps Queerbasher into the ground. His boots are drenched in blood and Queerbasher weakly reaches up as he stares at his pole.

Queerbasher: “Q…queeeer…”

Krystál: “Now I understand. In that case, you’ll be getting exactly what you deserve!”

Krystál ties Queerbasher up in the ropes so that he appears to be bending over. Krystál then climbs the turnbuckle and is able to remove the pole from the other pole. He uses it to cane Queerbasher over and over, causing him to yelp in pain and begin to cry.

Krystál: “That’s enough foreplay, my dear. Now taste the main event!”

Krystál drops Queerbasher’s sweatpants and shoves the pole up his anus. As it is shoved deeper and deeper up his colon, Queerbasher bawls his eyes out and yet smiles slightly.

Queerbasher: “Q…queer…”

Krystál: “That’s right, you’re nothing but a huge queer!”

Krystál shoves the pole deeper and it giggling it around with a smirk on his face. Suddenly, Queerbasher loses control of his bowels and the shit flies through the hollow pole and hits Krystál in the face like a cannon. Krystál begins to cry like a little girl and runs to his assistants. They refuse to get anywhere near his bloody, broken and feces-riddled face and run off into the back. Krystál weeps outside of the ring and Queerbasher frees himself from the ropes. He jumps out of the ring with his ass pointed downwards. He drills Krystál in the face with the pole protruding from his colon, covering him in more poop and busting him wide open. Both men are down and the referee begins to count for a knockout. However he suddenly stops and rushes to check on the competitors. He then calls for the bell.

Ross: “What the? He didn’t count to 10? How come he’s stopping the fight?”

The referee talks to Todd Lightning who then picks up the microphone.

Lightning: “Ladies and gentlemen, Queerbasher is dead. When he struck Krystál with that last attack, the pole was shoved through his body and pierced his internal organs. The referee confirmed that his heart stopped and therefore the winner of the match is Romeo Krystál!”

Ross: “Bah gawd, that ain’t right! It should at least be a double KO! Queerbasher got screwed!”

Schiavone: “Yeah, in the ass by a metal pole!” *chuckles and proudly parts his hair”

Krystál is dragged away on a stretcher and his head is badly wounded. However, he is still alive, though unconscious.

Ross: Well folks, we’ll keep you posted on Krystál’s status as we receive more information.

[Vinny]

Written by Spamdini

Lightning: “Ladies and gentlemen, this next match is scheduled for one fall and has a 15 minute time limit!” Making his way to the ring accompanied by his manager Bitmask, weighing in at 239 pounds, hailing the kingdom of Richonia, Baron Hoity von Toity!”

The baron drives a solid gold golf cart to ring. He climbs in the ring and unties and reties his diamond-encrusted bootlaces.

Ross: “This is the first pay-per-view event for Baron Hoity von Toity. He makes me so mad!”

Schiavone: “How so, JR?”

Ross: “Well, he’s rich! Don’t you just hate that?!”

Schiavone: “Um, can’t say I do.”

Ross: “And he’s foreign! What a sunnuva bitch!”

Lightning: “And now making his way to the ring, from the holy nation of Jihadistan, weighing in at 198 pounds, The All-Mighty, Non-Forgiving, Non-Merciful, Mohammad Jaffer Bin Abdul DESTRUCTION!”

The crowd jumps to its feet and hollers for the home-religion hero! Bin Destruction is walking to the ring with his hands in the air. He stops and faces Mecca and starts praying. He jumps in the ring and yells “BOOM!”, which is followed up by a loud pyrotechnic. Everyone in the crowd immediately drops to the ground. When they realize it was just part of his intro, they jump up and start cheering again. They begin to chant “9-1-1” as Bin Destrutction removes his turban and stretches in the ring.

Bitmask: “0111010 (Do not worry, start with strategy Gamma 5 as planned)”

The bell rings and the match has begun. Von Toity goes for a takedown but Bin Destruction counters with a headbutt. He continually smashes his foe in the skull, sacrificing his own health to damage the infidel. He tried to follow up with a big kick with his pointy boot, but von Toity grabs his foot and turns it into a leg grapevine.

The lock is held on for over a minute and it looks inescapable. However, Bin Destruction starts pumping up the crowd.

Bin Destruction: “Allah!”

Crowd: “Akbar!”

Bin Destruction: “Allah!”

Crowd: “Akbar!”

Bin Destruction begins to feel the energy of the crowd and then dislocates his own leg from his hip. This allows him to slip out of the hold and put von Toity in a chokehold. The baron begins to pass out and is limp on the mat. Bin Destruction climbs up to the top rope and signals for the Suicide Bomb!

Schiavone: “This is the most dangerous move is pro wrestling today! And may I remind you all to please buy our next par-per-view immediately!”

Bin Destruction: “This is the end, Zionist dog! Alalalalalalala!”

However, an oxygen mask flies out of one of the compartments in Bitmask’s chair. It wraps around von Toity’s face and restores his oxygen supply and vitality. Bin Destruction jumps but von Toity is able to roll away to safety. Seeing that his target’s gone, Bin Destruction tries to protect himself from the impact. He is able to prevent his neck and skull from being broken, but the impact with the mat still takes its toll on Bin Destruction’s head.

Bitmask: “1111111101” (As predicted, his self-sacrificing nature was his own downfall. Damage to the head is 85%. Press your attack.)

The baron drops a fist onto Bin Destruction skull. He follows it up with a series of right hands until Bin Destruction’s face is oozing with blood.

Bitmask: “1” (That should be sufficient. Damage is 100%. He cannot put up any struggle. Pin him.)

Hoity von Toity grabs Bin Destruction’s arm and uses a La Magistral cradle to pin him. However, Bin Destruction kicks out!

Ross: “What a near fall! That was two and a half. Maybe two and three-quarters. What keeps him going?!”

Bitmask: 00100100010 (Does not compute! Error! Can….no longer predict…too wild and unpredictable!)

Bin Destruction gets up and counters a von Toity punch into his own series of right hands. He suplexes von Toity and follows up with a leg drop. He goes for the cover but only gets a two count. He lifts von Toity up for a powerbomb but begins to get woozy and drops him. The baron takes advantage of his carelessness and applies the camel clutch. The crowd boos such a disgraceful use of the sacred technique and try to rally Bin Destruction. However, he has reached his limit and cannot even struggle. Von Toity releases the hold and climbs up to top rope. He signals for the Turing Test.

Ross: “I don’t believe this! He’s going for Bitmask’s finishing maneuver!”

Bitmask provides a computer display of where to strike with the Turing Test and von Toity nods. He jumps high in the air, but as he does so Bin Destruction leaps to his feet. Using the ring rope as a slingshot, he fires himself up in the air with his arms spread like a plane.

Ross: It’s 911!! It’s 911!!! He’s hijacking the Turing Test in mid-air!

Bin Destruction’s 911 connects, and both men tumble towards the ring. Bin Destruction lands on top and the referee counts the pin, 1-2-3! Bin Destruction has come from behind and won this match! He kneels and raises his fists into the air in celebration!

Suddenly, Bitmask is catapulted out of his chair. Proving that he is indeed healthy and capable of movement, he elbow drops Bin Destruction in the head as he comes down. Blood sprays out like a fountain from Bin Destruction’s skull and he falls to the ground, motionless. Von Toity makes it to his feet and begins to help Bitmask stomp down their fallen foe. Referees force them out of the ring before they can deliver further damage.

Ross: “Bin Destruction is signaling that he’s ok! Wait, he’s grabbing the microphone!”

Bin Destruction: “I thought…the money-rich Jew was the problem…but it was really…this western technology that threatens our existence. Bitmask, I assure you that you shall soon be rotting in Hell with the rest of your soulless kind!”

Schiavone: “That’s the second most courageous thing I’ve ever heard. The most courageous is the Brock McHarris autobiography, now available in stores everywhere![/b]

[Vinny]

Written by Spamdini

Lightning: “This match is a Walk the Plank match! Both competitors will battle atop a 5 foot wide and twenty foot long plank, attached to a 50 foot tall post. The winner is the first one to force his opponent into the water below. On the plank already is Menace of the Seas himself! Weighing in at 195 pounds, Jonesie the Merciless! And making his way up the ladder to the plank, weighing in at 175 pounds, “Puff Ryder” Rasheed Young!”

Ross: “Both newcomers, this should be a unique contest indeed! I just hope that at least someone will survive to have a second match!”

Rasheed slips on one of the rungs and nearly falls. Looking down, his knees begin to shake and can’t take a step further. In order to soothe his nerves, he takes a puff from his joint which instantly transforms him into Puff Ryder. He runs up the ladder, light as a feather and flies up onto the plank.

Puff Ryder: “Your ass is grass, and I’m gonna smoke it!”

Jonesie: “Harr harr harr! Ye be nothing but a guppy for me piranhas!”

Jonesie attempts to tackle Puff Ryder but Ryder floats over him and taps him on the back. Jonesie stumbles and nearly falls off already. Irritated, Jonesie stomps over and tries to grab Ryder by the shirt. However, he gets lost in the folds of the size XXXXXXXXXXXXL Knicks jersey and cannot find out where his opponent is. Ryder jumps out of his shirt and punches Jonesie in the forehead, his knuckle jewelery leaving an imprint that says “Nigga.” Using the clock around his neck as a weapon, he smashes Jonesie in the face and chokes him with the chain. After performing a breakdance maneuver, he monkey flips Jonesie up and off the plank down below.

Jonesie cackles as he falls. He pulls a harpoon attached to a rope from his jacket. He tosses it so that it gets stuck in the plank and is able to swing back up into play. Jonesie and Ryder are standing on opposite ends of the plank with the harpoon still embedded on Jonesie’s side. Ryder pumps up his Air Jordans and jumps 20 feet in the air. He brings his palm down in a move he calls the dunk. Jonesie rolls forward to dodge it. He cackles and yanks hard on his rope. This causes the part of the plank the harpoon was embedded in to break off, which is where Ryder was planning on landing. Ryder plummets into the water below and loses the match.

Jonesie: “Harrrrrrr harr harr! Now me pretties will dine on ye flesh!”

However, the sharks’ eyes all start turning red. The THC leaked out of Puff Ryder’s skin and into the water, causing all the sharks to get high. Puff Ryder floats to the surface and is so light he stands on the water.

Ryder: Shiiiiiiiiit, these niggas don’t like dark meat? All the ladies be sayin’ it’s the best part, yo! Beefy and chock full of good stuff, y’know what I’m sayin’?

The sharks and Puff Ryder give each other high fives as Jonesie curses him.

Ross: Ha ha, looks like he’s made some new friends. Unfortunately the winner is still Jonesie the Merciless. But what a good showing by both contestants!”

[Vinny]

Written by Spamdini

A 40-foot blender is rolled to the ring, with footholds within it to allow those inside to climb out. It is plugged in and Todd Lightning demonstrates its effectiveness by lowering a deer inside and turning on the power. Within 3 seconds, the deer is liquefied.

Lightning: “This match is a three-way blender match! The match ends either when two of the three contestants escape from the blender or when the 15-minute time limit is reached. At that time, the blender is turn on, killing all those within!
“Making his way to the ring from the streets of Texas, weighing in at 200 pounds, Matthew!”

Matthew is dressed up like Goku and makes a Kamehameha imitation. He climbs into the blender.

Lightning: “The next competitor, from sunny Mexico, weighing in at 467 pounds, El Tiiiiiiiiiiigre!”

El Tigre lumbers down to the ring and climbs in the blender as well. He and Matthew stare each other down and are anxious to start the fight they never got started last week.

Lightning: “And finally, hailing from someplace, somewhere, weighing in at an average amount of pounds, Apathetic Arschloch!”

Arschloch comes out to “Smells Like Teen Spirit”, wearing a shirt that says “Who sucks?” on the front. The back says “You, fag!” He forces the referee to carry him inside the blender where he finds a cozy spot to lie down and nap.

El Tigre drills Matthew with a massive boot to the face. He lifts Matthew up then clotheslines his back down again. He tries climbing up the side for the early escape but Matthew dropkicks him back down. Matthew follows up with an abdominal stretch but El Tigre uses his massive size to easily power out. He goes for Cat Scratch Fever, but only gets one swipe at Matthew’s arm before Matthew trips him up and gets him in a spinning toehold. There are now 5 minutes gone in the match.

Matthew continues his assault with a Texas Cloverleaf hold on El Tigre. El Tigre is able to break free of the hold and connects with a back suplex. El Tigre climbs up 10 feet or so then jumps down onto Matthew with a big splash. The sound of Matthew’s bones breaking is audible to all those in the crowd. Matthew mutters something about the Hyperbolic Time Chamber and pokes El Tigre in the eyes. He follows up with a superkick, causing El Tigre to fall back and hit his head against the blade of the blender cutting him wide open.

Matthew then decides to stand with his arms in the air. He asks all his friends to lend him his strength. Nothing happens. Only 3 minutes left. Arschloch glances at the clock but seems unfazed. Not knowing why his Genki Dama isn’t working, he asks even more loudly for the crowd’s ki. El Tigre props himself up and in a monstrous feat of strength, twists the blade he hit his head on so that it faces upwards. He grabs Matthew and jumps high up into the air, coming down and piledriving Matthew into the blender blade. Matthew’s head is split in half and the contents start dripping out.

El Tigre is exausted but sees that there is only one minute left now. He also sees Arschloch easily climbing out of the blender. Frustrated, El Tigre climbs out as well, cursing Arschloch.

El Tigre: “Using the power of laziness to obtain victory. You dare insult my people by stealing our God-given skills of Mexican sloth and apathy?”

Arschloch: “Your people already insulted themselves. By being fucking spics to begin with, that is.”

The top is lowered on the blender and the power is turned on. Matthew’s body is turned into a thin goo.

Ross: “This ain’t right! We’ve already seen two of our superstars die tonight! When will the bloodshed stop?!”

Schiavone: “Maybe it’ll stop at FTUW Big Murder Fist Bonanza, next Sunday on pay-per-view! It’ll be the bloodiest event ever! Or least bloody. Whichever’s better!"

[Vinny]

Written by Spamdini

Lightning: “This match is a Japanese street fight and is scheduled for one-fall! There are no disqualifications or countouts or time limit. Pins and submissions must be made in the ring, however. KOs must be made inside the ring to count as well. Making his way to the ring, accompanied by the Bakayaro Boys, weighing in at 165 pounds, the 'Nightmare of Nagasaki', the ‘Devil of Death’, the ‘Burning Wolf’ Rakkyu Saketumi!”

Saketumi has a kendo stick in hand as his crew is armed with an assortment of weapons as well. His theme music of the week, “Tough Boy” is blaring in the background.

Schiavone: “I agree! That Saketumi is a tough boy tough boy tough boy tough boy!” *puts more mousse in his hair and readjusts his part*

Sakutumi gets on the ring apron, grabs the top rope and flips into the ring. He steals the microphone away from Todd Lightning.

Saketumi: “ I terru you a joku! Why doesu chicken cuross road? To kirru Max Rocku! Kufufufu!”

Max Rock is not even announced as he tries to liven the ground as he walks to the ring. No one knows who he is. The match begins with Saketumi driving his heel into Rock’s face. He begins booting him over and over while he’s on the ground.

Ross: “Bah gawd, he’s stomping a mudhole in hole in him!”

Saketumi sets Max Rock up on the turnbuckle and then cracks him over the head with the kendo stick. He jumps up and frankensteiner’s him from the turnbuckle to the outside of the ring. Max Rock is out cold so Saketumi wakes him up by taking a parking meter which one of his men had and smashing Rock’s knee with it. Max Rock wakes up and cries out loud. Saketumi takes a switchblade and cuts out Max Rock’s tongue.

Saketumi: “Stoppu whining! You sound rike woman! Woman is weaku!”

Two of Saketumi’s men prop Max Rock up by grabbing an arm each and another presents him with a katana. He uses the katana to slice off Rock’s left arm.

Saketumi: “You ah not warriah! You are white trashu!”

Two goons on motorcycles speed down the ramp from the entrance and run over Max Rock.

Goon 1: “You killed our boss! You’re ours, chink!”

Saketumi: “Chinku? Curacka, you do not know what you ah talking about!”

Saketumi uses a double clothesline, breaking one of the goons’ necks and knocking the other off his bike. Saketumi powerbombs the living goon onto Max Rock. He climbs onto the bike and grabs the goon and Rock in each hand while steering with his feet. He holds his arm out so that the goon collides with the FT on the left of the entranceway and his whole upper body bursts. Saketumi drives back down the ramp at full speed with Max Rock still in one hand.

The Bakayaro Boys form a human ramp which he drives up and flies through the air. In mid-air, Saketumi shouts “RORRUING GO!” and punches Max Rock so he flies forward. Saketumi jump off the bike and grabs Rock and they both start falling. The bike crashes into the stands, killing a group of people. The wrestlers are flying through the air so fast that Saketumi is able to Rolling Go Rock into the arena wall. The wall breaks and both men crash through.

There is silence and neither man is seen for a minute or so. Suddenly, Sakutumi emerges with a cigarette in one hand and Max Rock’s body in the other. Saketumi face has pieces of brick sticking out if it, but Rock is missing most of his head and all of his limbs. Saketumi tosses the corpse into the ring and is awarded the ring by fatality.

Schiavone: “That was the bloodiest match I’ve ever seen in my life!”

Ross: “I agree with you Tony. Saketumi showed that though he may be a bit clumsy, he can tangle along side the big boys!”

Saketumi gets on the microphone again:

Saketumi: “Risten all you Effu-Tee-Yuu wressurahs! Iffu you do not want to akucept my charrenge, zen you wirr endu up rike thisu! ORAAAAAAAAAAA!”

[Vinny]

Written by Spamdini

Purple mist begins to surround the arena. The lights go out as well.

Ross: “W…what is this? The Undertaker?!”

Schiavone: “He’s far too weak and gay to be in FTUW, JR! It’s that mysterious purple mist warrior! He must be here!”

Joey Jobber walks to the ring, dragging behind him a large cauldron. He places the cauldron in the ring and goes back and fetches a coffin which he brings to the ring as well. A cloaked figure then makes his way to the ring. His face cannot be seen.

The mystery man starts chanting and waving his hands around the pot. The green glow of some sort of magical jewel peeks through the purple cloak. The man’s glowing eyes are the only visible portion of his face.

???: “May the bones of these fallen warriors form the instrument of my enemy’s destruction! Oh Billy Graham, oh Eddie Guerrero, your bodies and souls will fuel my strength!”

The coffin bursts open and the skeletons of the aforementioned dead men fly into the cauldron. A purple light flares from the cauldron and the mist settles down. Once all has cleared, the cloaked man reaches inside the cauldron and pulls out a shining guitar that seems as if it were alive.

Joey Jobber: “You did it master! Your creation is complete!”

???: Not yet my dear Joey. A guitar requires still strings!

The cloaked man stabs his hand into Joey Jobber and rips out a series of nerves and veins. Jobber collapses as the cloaked man strings up the guitar. He strikes a chord, causing Joey Jobber to dart back to his feet, all his wounds now closed. Joey is confused as to why he is still alive and well.

???: Come Joseph! There is much to be done!

[Vinny]

Written by Spamdini

Lightning: “This match has a 60-minute time limit and is scheduled for one-fall and is for the FTUW Championship! Making his way to the ring, weighing in 647 pounds, from Canada of the future, Theldorrin XIII!”

Theldorrin XIII walks down to the ring to his theme song “What We Need More of is Science” by MC Hawking. Rocket boots fire him up into the ring where he stands arrogantly. The crowd is booing him heavily so he rips off a piece of the ring apron and forms it into a whip. He then whips off the head of a young boy sitting in the front row.

Theldorrin: “Respect your betters, primitive beasts!”

Lightning: “And making his way to the ring, from the depths of outer space, weighing in at an even 500 pounds, he is YOUR FTUW champion, Handsomus R. Awesome!!!”

Neon Knights by Black Sabbath can be heard playing. But from where? Suddenly, everyone looks upwards and Handsomus can be seen playing the song on his guitar on the rafters of the arena. After finishing the guitar solo he leaps off to the ring below.

Both wrestlers tie up, with Handsomus getting the advantage. He twists Theldorrin’s arms around and turns the attack into a modified triangle hold. Handsomus twists harder while applying pressure to Theldorrin’s carotid artery. Theldorrin grins as he is twisted harder and harder. Suddenly, he uses the torque to spin rapidly like a drill and toss Handsomus off of him. Still spinning, he headbutts Handsomus, tearing into his chest. He finally stops spinning which gives Handsomus a chance to counter-attack. He grabs Theldorrin XIII close to him and performs a Northern Lights Suplex which gets a two-count.

Handsomus monkey flips Theldorrin into the turnbuckle, putting him into Tree of Woe position. He tries to follow up with a dropkick to his face, but Theldorrin moves his head out of the way and Handsomus connects with the ring post instead, which is bent as a result. Theldorrin jumps off the turnbuckle with a leg drop right onto Handsomus’ head.

Theldorrin places Handsomus into a dragon sleeper and starts bringing the spaceman to his feet. After keeping the hold locked in for a couple of minutes, he lifts him up for an inverted brainbuster. Theldorrin covers but only gets a 2-count. He picks up Handsomus and performs a double underhook suplex to the outside of the ring. The impact crushed the mat on the outside of the ring, causing it to become much harder. Seeing this, Theldorrin begins to stomp the hardened section until it is like tempered steel. He goes to piledrive Handsomus on this but Handsomus counters by lifting up Theldorrin and spinebusters him onto the very section of the ground that had just been compressed.

Theldorrin’s spine is badly damaged and the nanomachines within him hurry to repair the damage so he can function again. Handsomus attempts to prevent this by putting him into the Deep Space Prison Torture Rack. He jumps high up into the air with Theldorrin and grabs onto one of the rafters. He slips Theldorrin on top so that it is between his shoulders and his opponent as he applies the hold. Unfortunately, the beam breaks and they both fall towards Earth once more. Handsomus attempts the Intergalatic Galactic Driver but Theldorrin grabs Handsomus’ legs and slams him hard into the ring.

Theldorrin uses a series of rapid punches the connect to the head of the fallen Handsomus. Each punch drives his head deeper and deeper into the ring into it can no longer be seen. Theldorrin stomps both of Handsomus’ feet so that his feet and his head are planted deep within the ring. Using Handsomus like a handle, Theldorrin lifts the ring up into the air and uses his rocket boots to fly upwards into the sky with it. He flips the ring upside-down and drops it back towards Earth. The ring smashes into the ground and Handsomus is unable to defend himself from the impact. In the ruins of what used to be the sacred fighting area, Handsomus is lying limply. The referee yells to the back to wheel out a new ring.

Since there’s nowhere to pin his foe, Theldorrin presses his offense. He suplexes Handsomus onto every inch of the steel ramp until there is nothing usable left. Men are now rolling a new ring down to the fighting area using a large platform on wheels. However, all the dents that Handsomus’ body is making the task difficult.

Tired of playing around, Theldorrin starts squeezing Handsomus’ neck. Handsomus drops to his knees but does not give up. He delivers an uppercut to Theldorrin’s chin which sends him reeling. Both men start punching and exchange blows for several minutes. Handsomus has the advantage in terms of power, but he has also been hurt worse. Both men look to punch at the same and their fists connect. Theldorrin’s wrist breaks from the impact and he winces. He starts to feel actual pain!

Handsomus trips Theldorrin with a sweep kick and nails a backbreaker as he falls. The long hard battle has left Handsomus weary, but he still has enough strength to apply a wristlock to Theldorrin’s broken wrist. Pain becomes more and more evident within the formerly unfeeling being. The bone can be heard cracking and snapping as muscles and tendons are shredded. Suddenly, along with the pain comes a shot of adrenaline and Theldorrin screams as he punches Handsomus in the temple. Handsomus fades in and out of consciousness.

The ring is now rebuilt and Theldorrin drags his opponent to the ring with his one functional hand. He irish whips Handsomus and attempts Euler's Method. However, the pain gets to him and is just barely able to clothesline him. Handsomus rises to his feet and charges with a clothesline of his own. Theldorrin ducks and the referee is clobbered with the attack, tearing the man in half. Handsomus drops to his knees in sorrow, which give Theldorrin the opportunity to drill him with his own guitar. He pins Handsomus as a new ref runs down to ringside. The referee counts 1-2….NO! Handsomus kicks out!

Theldorrin is outraged and begins he punch Handsomus continually in a fit of rage. He irish whips him and connects with Euler's Method. The sounds of all of Handsomus’ bones shattering resonates throughout the arena. Theldorrin shouts out in victory!

Theldorrin XIII: “I’ve surpassed your greatest warrior in even his ability to feel emotion! I am undefeatable!”

Handsomus stands up instantly. He coughs up some blood and smiles menacingly.

Theldorrin XIII: “W…why?!”

Handsomus: “I may not be human…*cough*…but my spirit is more human than you’ll ever be.”

Handsomus can’t stand up any longer and falls to his knees. Theldorrin looks to deliver yet another Euler's Method when the referee steps in between. The bell suddenly rings.

Lightning: “60 minutes have elapsed. This match is a draw! However, still your FTUW champion is Handsomus R. Awesome!”

Theldorrin: “No…NO! I cannot be robbed again!!!”

Handsomus crawls over to his guitar and strikes a chord. The shockwave sends Theldorrin flying through the wall opposite to the one that was destroyed by Saketumi. Between that and the top support beam being torn off, the building begins to fall apart. Fans pour out of the holes on either side. Handsomus looks up and smiles. He grabs his belt which was left lying on the ground by the timekeeper. He ties it around his guitar and starts playing a wicked solo.

Handsomus: “That sound of destruction. Sounds like…AN ENCORE!”

He continues playing as the entire building falls apart. None of the pieces of debris ever strike Handsomus due to the power of music! Tony Schiavone is pinned under a girder.

Schiavone: “This was…the greatest event…ever! Until the next one…buy…it!"