Dragon Ball Z Uncensored

[Action Hank]

The ILLUSIONIST falls to his knees and stares at the Colossus standing before him, so tall that its head has vanished into the clouds. Exhausted from his battle with the cultists, Vic feels helpless. He’s overcome with terror. The Colossus swats at another Ra. Several Mobile Pyramids climb over the horizon and fire lasers at the living tower of rock, but they appear to have no effect.

The Colossus lifts up one of its great legs and stamps down on the earth. A massive shockwave blasts a circular wave of dirt and rock outward, knocking down Neo-Egyptian and Cultist alike. Vic flies into the air and falls onto his back.

The leg lifts again and this time it crashes down upon the prostrate soldiers. Hundreds are crushed into paste.

Vic pees himself.

“Victor!” Imhotep shakes the ILLUSIONIST, freeing him from his paralysis and lifting him to his feet amid the dust cloud. “I cannot believe that HE would unleash such a creature in this world. I never imagined HE would ever be this desperate.”

“Bi---bi---bi---bi---bi---big,” Vic says, gulping air. Tears stream down his face, causing his dirt mustache to run. The ground shakes again, but it is difficult to see anything within the dust.

Anubis, whose dog-like features have faded, slightly, revealing more of Kimchi’s some kinda-hispanic-asianess, growls.

“We must flee, master. We cannot take this monster.”

Imhotep shakes his head. “No. Tut, tut, tut. We are the only ones who can.”

The ground shakes wildly again.

“We have to get out of here. We need to regro----”

The three men are knocked over by a fresh shockwave and are hit by a wall of dust that scatters them a quarter mile from where they stood, flailing like rag dolls against the dirt.

Vic rises up onto his hands and knees and coughs in the blinding dust. He can’t see anything or anyone, but suddenly a shadow passes over him. The world is completely dark.

“Oh shit,” he says.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMM!

The ground explodes as the foot of the Colossus drives into the ground, pounding a massive crater into the Earth. Vic is lifted up in the air by the force. His mouth, nose, and eyes are filled with dirt. Disoriented, he falls back down, landing hard against the ruined wet muddy ground. His lycra tuxedo in tatters, his top hat lost in the chaos. This is an overwhelming pain in his hips and ribs. He coughs, and tastes blood.

He crawls against the dirt and mud and rocks in the near-blackness of the dust cloud, pain shooting up and down his body. Bones broken. Organs ruptured and bleeding.

The ground shakes again and---

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! CRASHHHHHHHHHH!

There is the sound of a Mobile Pyramid crashing against the ground, tossed by the Colossus like it was nothing more than a baseball. And the sound of metal and stone vanishes into the distance as the Pyramid continues to roll away.

The ILLUSIONIST rolls over onto his back and lays still. His body is in too much pain, his emotions and psyche are too shot. He’s going into shock again. On the upside, at least his bladder is empty.

The near darkness of the dust fades into real darkness of unconsciousness.

“Vic. . .” a woman’s voice. Distant. Familiar.

“Vic. . .”

He is lying in bed. He is a child again.

M…mom? He tries to speak, but he can’t. He is asleep.

“Vic. My precious boy. There are so many things I wish I could tell you, but---the danger. If you knew, they would kill you. They would kill us all.”

He feels the warm, rough hands of his mother, who had worked hard all her life. A quiet woman who always had a sad look in her eyes, like she carried the weight of the world within them.

“You are special, son. And I won’t let them have you. That’s why--- I misdirected them. Your birth was the turn. And you will provide your own prestige. You have the body. I kept that pledge. But the soul they sought---that, that is the trick. I chose the wrong brother. He he. Your uncle was supposed to be the one. But I fell in love with your father, not his twin. Let’s hope your father never learns the truth. Let us hope they never learn what I did, and then---won’t we all be surprised. You are capable of great things, Victor. All you have to do, is dig down deep, and find the magic. . .WITHIN YOU!”

The darkness is filled with a blinding light and then---

“Victor, you’re still alive!” Imhotep says, waking the ILLUSIONIST. Anubis is at his side. They both help Vic sit up. The pain, the shock---all of it had vanished. There is a strange warmth flowing through Vic’s body.

He stands up. The dust settles slightly, but the distant shaking continues, as the Colossus continues its assault on the countryside, seemingly forgetting AC Conner’s prior task.

Suddenly two shadows move through the dust. Anubis’s ears pull back and he bares his broken teeth.

“I ain’t seeing how anyone can take down that jive turkey,” JAZZ says, gently sitting the black case of Stella By Starlight at his feet. “But we can try. Then---then you,” JAZZ flicks his roach at Imhotep-Lex. “Fool. Then you die.”

“Vic, my boy,” Victor Sr. grabs Vic by the shoulders. Vic’s upper lip quivers and then he grabs his father, buries his face into his chest and blubbers like a baby. But he suddenly pulls back, wipes the tears from his eyes and turns towards the Colossus, which is wildly stomping on the screaming helpless members of the Neo-Egyptian army and the Cultists of D’Lo, blinded in a madness to destroy all.

“I AM THE BRINGER OF DOOM! SSSSSSSSSSSSS!” The monster’s roar shakes the ground almost as much as his steps. “THE AGENT OF THIS WORLD’S DESTRUCTION!”

Vic tears away the remains of his lycra tuxedo----revealing a REAL TUXEDO! He balls up the lycra and FLIPS IT AND ITS SUDDENLY A TOP HAT! Vic rubs the dirt off his face, and for once does not draw a fresh mustache.

He raises his arms to the sky, as white doves pour out from his sleeves.

“As you can see, there is something up my sleeves,” he turns and looks at his father, Imhotep, JAZZ, and Anubis. “FOR MY NEXT TRICK! I WILL---SAVE THE WORLD!”

The ILLUSIONIST is lifted up into the air, holding onto thousands of strings, each tied around a dove’s leg, and up towards the heavens.

[Action Hank]

Up. Up above the clouds of dust and debris. Up towards the quick moving, rain-heavy blanket of gray. Still up further, until there the sun here and there breaks through the higher-still cloud cover, to shine in scattered bursts upon the great body of the colossus. Human-shaped but inhuman, its body glowing with an eerie dark dread, its arms flailing downward with terrible precision at great speeds. Arms as thick as battleships, legs skyscrapers in themselves. The body thick and stout and shaped like a water boiler nearly a city block in height. But the head---

“SSSSSSS! THIS WORLD SHALL BECOME DUST BENEATH MY FEET! MY FISTS SHOULD POUND THE MOUNTAINS INTO GLASS!”

The ILLUSIONIST holds tightly to the wires tied to the two flocks of pure-white doves---directing them like kites---towards the menacing giant, hoping it wouldn’t notice him before he could figure some way to attack it. Trying not to shit himself from the absolute fear churning in his guts. And as he rises higher and gets closer, he sees the tiny head of AC Conner attached to the neck of the massive towering being! A potential weak point?

But this tower is alive, and Vic has to force the doves onward. Stupid as they are, they can still sense the terrible nature of the colossus, and they fear it. As one of the colossus’s arms flails, one set of doves freaks out and tries to scatter. The ILLUSIONIST is jostled around, twisting over 1500 feet now above the ground. He reels them in, forces them to go higher. And they go higher, and away from the towering monster.

Down below it looks as if a child was smashing his way through a model set. The ant-like armies of Neo-Egypt and the Cultists scurrying around, battling each other while trying to avoid the great colossus. Mobile Pyramids and Golem Sentries looking like vehicles for some action figure line, stumbling over a landscape, already burnt and ruined, spread outward towards rust-colored mountains---many leveled as if they were made of sand and not granite! All this spins around him as the doves panic as one of the few surviving Ra’s, crumpled and twisted and burning, soars too close for comfort.

And he starts to panic. The sudden confidence that had coursed through him seemed to pool in his toes. He loses control of the doves, dropping most of the strings, and begins to fall!!!

The wind whips around the ILLUSIONIST, tearing his hat away. He furiously digs through his pockets, trying to find something, anything, and suddenly a plan forms as his fingers wrap around what he needs. From his breast pocket he pulls a handkerchief. He pulls and pulls and it expands into a parachute-sized piece of cloth. Vic glides, and directs himself towards the Colossus, getting close enough to make out the origin of the its glow---carved into the body of the monster are Nazca line-sized carvings of dozens of powerbombing figures, emanating a strange radiation that are both dark but also producing light. And closer still, he begins to hear strange sounds---the sounds of thousands of souls screaming out in pain and agony, as if the body of the colossus was holding hell, itself.

“Now or never,” Vic says to himself, gliding around the giant’s back and towards its right arm. “Almost---almost,” he bites on his lip, preparing for a landing on the shoulder, when suddenly---

“HA HA HA HA HA!” the deep bass of the Colossus’ voice vibrates the very air (even if coming from a tiny head compared to the body). It has spotted Vic. “MOSQUITO! I WILL BREAK YOUR BODY! NO MATTER IF YOU ARE THE VESSEL OR NOT, I WILL CRUSH YOU!”

Turning rapidly---a mountain turning rapidly!---the Colossus faces the ILLUSIONIST and arches both arms back, hands spread outward (each the size of a small house) and VIC is helpless as the two hands close in on him.

CRACKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE HANDS MEET IN A GIANT CLAP, SHOCKWAVES SPREAD OUTWARD, LETTING OFF A SONIC BOOM!

--

“Cat---Cat…no!” JAZZ says far below, watching as the red parachute and the black speck vanish between the massive hands. “No. . .”

“Son!” Victor Powers, Sr drops to a knee and closes his eyes.

“Master!” Anubis, whose skin has lightened considerably, and is looking more and more like Kimchi again, cries out.

“Victor!” Lex-Imhotep says.

“MEAT!” a gruff new voice shouts as a THIRD ARMY JOINS APPEARS ALONG THE HILLS! An army of Rapealachian goons has gathered and marched towards the battle, desiring the blood and carnage, and presumptively unaware of the colossus which is raping their nation, given how inbred and mutated they are. “MEAT TO---”

The lead goon (who I won’t even describe) has noticed the giant, shits himself, and tries to turn around and run away, but is knocked over by the army of goons marching behind him and stomped to paste.

[Action Hank]

CRACKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE HANDS MEET IN A GIANT CLAP, SHOCKWAVES SPREAD OUTWARD, LETTING OFF A SONIC BOOM!

The Colossus stands with his hands pressed together for several moments. There is a fiendish smile on the tiny head (comparatively) of AC Conner, who proceeds to lick his lips in an even more fiendish way. Then he begins to grind the two hands together, as if flattening our hapless hero wasn’t enough! Now he was squeezing the remains, squishing them, crunching bones to jelly.

“Squishing up my baby bumblebee,” AC Conner begins to sing. “Won’t MASTER be so proud of me. . .”

At last he opens his hands to observe the carnage. Blood and guts are spread like a light coating of strawberry jam on his stone palms. But so is . . . white fur??

“You see,” Vic says, sitting next to AC Conner’s head on the Colossus’ tremendous shoulders. “I thought to myself---how could we become friends? I thought, perhaps I could offer you a gift, and what person doesn’t like furry little cute bunnies.”

Vic stands up and paces around AC Conner’s head. The ex-wrestler and false avatar’s eyes are opened wide, fear grimacing his face.

“What you do with those bunnies are up to you. A bit cruel, mind you, but I won’t judge you.”

WHIIIIIIIIIIIP!! One of the Colossus’ tremendous arms flails through the air, one of its rocky fingers sticking out.

“Annoying gnat. . . ssssss,” AC Conner hisses. “I’ll have to squish you like a bug!”

The finger zeroes in on Vic, but the ILLUSIONIST casually leaps out of the way as the man-sized solid granite finger smashes against the Colossus’s shoulder. The finger lifts and AC Conner tries the attack again. Over and over again, Vic leaps and glides around the incoming finger. Then he lands on top of AC Conner’s head.

Then he jumps as the finger comes in close.

Then he watches as the finger squishes the head.

For a moment the Colossus stands still, the finger still pressed into the spot where AC Conner’s head should be. Then the finger slowly slides off and the giant’s arms fall to its side. There is a crater where the head used to be. A crater rapidly pooling up with red liquid. Then the colossus begins to stagger, then it falls.

The impact of a 100-story living monster of rock falling to the ground creates an earthquake that rattles up and down the apocalyptic countryside of America. The resulting dust cloud covers the battlefield, and everything is shroud in darkness.

At last the dust settles as survivors begin lifting themselves out of the rubble. All eyes turn towards the fallen giant, where a single man dressed in black stands triumphantly. He raises his hands to the sky and bows.

“Thank you, thank you,” Vic Powers, Jr, the ILLUSIONIST says. “And now, for my next trick---”

He is interrupted as the ground begins to the shake around him. The Colossus stirs, and with its two arms, pushes against the ground. Vic slides down the backside of the monster, and barely finds a finger hold in the rock before the monster is full upright again. The monster shakes violently, and from the crater that was its head, a hole opens. The same contradictory glowing black light emerges from the hole as the odd carvings along the monster’s body. And the light screams the screams of thousands of millions of voices in agonizing unison!

“WE SHALL REBUILD THIS WORLD FOR THE MASTER! WE SHALL BURN IT AND CRUSH IT TO ITS BASE ELEMENTS, SO THE MASTER CAN REMAKE IT TO SUIT HIS DESIRES! BEHOLD THE END OF ALL TIME!”

Vic shudders.

Below, the survivors of Team Illusionist watch on, killing goons absentmindedly (since they’re just fodder).

Imhotep, in the body of Lex Dangerseeker, suddenly feels weak. The force and will of his old master were only growing in strength. Time is running out. Not just for him and Vic, but for all existence in the universe. If he was right about the failure of Project: Imhotep, the ILLUSIONIST was not the perfect vessel. And if his master tried to place his will into Vic’s body---all of existence would suffer from the incompatibility!!

D’Lo, in attempting to exist in the world, would cause its absolute and irredeemable destruction.

[Action Hank]

With a massive step, the Colossus began its great march of destruction, tearing through the hills of what was once West Virginia, leveling the coal-rich countryside into a flattened plain. No longer satisfied battling the Neo-Egyptian army (which had been nearly reduced to rubble), the Colossus set its sights on wide scale chaos. And piggybacking the monster was the ILLUSIONIST, clinging to the giant’s rocky body as tightly as he can.

Meanwhile, JAZZ, Vic Sr, Imhotep, and Anubis battle their way through the hordes of rednecked rapists and mentally mutated goons, leaving a swath of blood and gore and mohawks in their wake and acquisitioning a SCARAB (Self Contained Automated Rugged Attack Battler). The vehicle, a metal beetle that crawls along the ground at car-like speeds, races after the Colossus.

But something strange has begun to happen to the giant. It’s glow (producing the same eerie light of a black-light) begins intensifying, and a large glowing symbol appears on its chest. It stops, and its whole body shudders before a beam of black light blasts out from the symbol. The earth shakes as miles upon miles of land is instantly vaporized, leaving a steaming half-pipe-shaped ditch stretching as far as could be seen into the horizon, its edges as smooth as glass.

The ILLUSIONIST crawls upward along the stone body, grabbing onto cracks, carvings, dips, and ledges in the rock. The climb is difficult, as the winds blowing around the monster gust up to over 100 mph at times, forcing Vic to press himself against the stone, or cling so hard that his fingertips are cut and bloody. As he makes his way further up the back of the Colossus, he suddenly reaches a wide ledge near where the shoulder blades on a man would begin. He sits and catches his breath---but this restful moment is not long lasting. A strange clicking and popping noise startles him, and as he looks up, he notices that there are several small caves pitted into the rock, where the black light is glowing from, and where now several shadowy shapes are emerging.

Vic leaps backwards as living shadows emerge, each shaped like a man but transparent as black clouds. Around the edges of their bodies crackles a blue electric field. They leap out of the holes in the hundreds, falling down towards the ground.

“What is this?” Vic says, out loud because he’s retarded. This gets several of the shadows’ attention, and they face him. They cock their heads, and then emit their popping-clicking sound, stretch out their arms, and jump at him---

Hundreds of meters below, the SCARAB races along the ruins, following the craterous footsteps of the Colossus, which is still a few miles ahead, rising above the horizon like the result if a storm cloud had fucked a skyscraper. Suddenly something black, yet slightly transparent, appears in front of the SCARAB. Like a beetle, the front of the machine has pincers, but attached to the pincers are giant chainsaws and more powerful versions of the Jaws of Life, and several of them jutting out at different angles---which converts anything it touches into pulp. The shadow gets shredded up in the pincers, and crackles and pops in a bright blue flash.

“What the hell was that?” Vic Sr. says, pointing out the front windshield.

Another shadow gets sucked up, and this time the SCARAB shakes a bit, slightly damaged from the electrical discharge.

“Don’t know, cat. Something jive,” JAZZ says, “Something real square.”

Then another and another shadow. And then there are dozens of them, and they start crawling all over the SCARAB. The machine shakes and jolts and Imhotep finds it difficult to control it. Then the SCARAB is suddenly airborne and begins twisting wildly. There is a nasty grinding sound and THE FUCKING SHADOWS POWERBOMB THE CAR, TWISTING AND SHREDING THE FRONT OF THE MACHINE IN THE PROCESS!

Team ILLUSIONIST falls out as the front of the machine tears free and rolls to the side, the rest of the SCARAB crashing to the ground in a heap of metal and leaking fuel. They jump out of the way as the machine EXPLODES, taking out several shadow men. But more shadows appear, and surround out heroes.

They hiss, crackle, and pop, and then lunge forward.

[Action Hank]

Surrounded by shadows---each popping and clicking and giving off the acrid odor of ozone---the survivors of Team ILLUSIONIST can only defend. The shadows move like the ghostly images of wrestlers past. Several have the distinct gait and greasiness of Eddie Guerrero, others the fearsome build and furious aggression of Chris Benoit, and yet more the tragic grace of Owen Hart, who for some odd reason continuously fly up into the air before crashing down, arm and head first, against the ground.

“What matter of darkness is this?" Anubis says, his dog-like features now nearly faded.

“These,” Imhotep says, holding his left arm, injured by shrapnel from the exploded SCARAB, “are beings of a darker dimension. These are the Shadows of D’Lo. The cannot exist long in this world and will destabilize. But they will do as much damage as their Master wills them until then.”

JAZZ plays Solar, summoning beams of light which break apart several leaping shadows.

Imhotep points up to the Colossus, and the streams of shadowy figures pouring out of its back. “That means that somewhere, inside that monster, there is a dimensional crack. Those are beings of HIS realm. This is very bad, gentlemen. Very bad.”

----

Vic dodges the attack of the nearest Shadow, but a second collides with him, shocking him with intense pain---a pain directed at his neck---and knocking him over. Another leaps at him, but the ILLUSIONIST rolls to the side and opens his jacket. The Shadow falls into it, and vanishes! Vic flips to his feet and opens the jacket again, launching the Shadow at the next incoming attacker. The two meet midair and explode in a mist of ozone.

The body of the Colossus shakes, causing Vic to stumble for his foothold, as it turns and faces the city of Cockrockia. They have crossed into Metalrapia, and are facing the great rebuilt city of metal and hard rocking. The body of the Colossus glows more brightly, but has the reverse effect of darkening almost everything around it in a black fog. Then a beam of black light pours from its chest and the western edge of the city is vaporized. The air smells of burnt hair and leather.

The ILLUSIONIST continues his battle, but is slowly being driven back towards the center of the Colossus’s back. He dodges attacks before throwing cards, animals, and piles of handkerchiefs until he’s nearly run out! Suddenly the Shadows pause, as does the Colossus itself. Vic has reached the very center of the ledge, where an unique carving glows eerily in the giant’s back. Instead of depicting various men being powerbombed, there is only a carved circle, with dozens of muscular men bowing before it. And as Vic reaches back to steady himself, touching the circle, it opens, and he falls into---

The room in the center of the Colossus is as dark as the void, yet the ILLUSIONIST is illuminated as if he was standing in the sun. He is alone, in an oddly visible contradictory darkness, save a single crack floating in midair. The crack glows like a hot fire, the air around it vibrates and wavers like hot air. It is silent, but then the crack vibrates and it sounds like it is breathing. Several Shadows emerge from the periphery of the void, and form a circle around Vic and the crack.

The crack glows so bright that Vic has to look away. And then, for one hundredth of a second, D’Lo focuses his attention on the ILLUSIONIST and our universe. The invisible floor shakes violently, everything grows fuzzy and Vic feels like his body is being stretched out for thousands of miles and time seems to almost freeze. The Shadows silently scream as their necks twist and snap and they explode into blue sparks. Then D’Lo looks away. Vic feels time and his body return to normal, but the experience has drained him. He falls to his knees and breathes deeply, sweat pouring down his body.

Outside, the wave of D’Lo’s gaze passes outward in a spherical shockwave, passing instantly thousands of millions of miles per second. As intense as the gaze had been within the Colossus, it emerged weakened, and merely caused the Earth to shake uniformly at 6.0 on the Richter Scale before traveling deep into space. There, working according to its own physics, it intensified. The further out it traveled, the more damage it caused. Planets explode as northern and southern hemispheres twist violently, suns burst into novas and supernovas, whole galaxies are powerbombed into obliteration. Eventually, near the edge of the universe, the base particles of matter are physically twisted---“necks” broken.

“COME…”

Vic’s eyesight returns and he stares back at the crack.

“COME…” the voice seems to come from within his own head.

He gets up to his feet, weary and weak.

“COME…” from his own head, but also from the crack.

The ILLUSIONIST takes a step forward towards the glowing, vibrating dimensional rift. But then he hesitates. Images of his life flash before him, of his childhood, his father and brother, his sickness, his discovery of magic, his failures. Children laugh at him at school. Girls turn him down or kick him in the balls when he asks them out. He sees his dreadful job at Walgreens. Betty. Sees his failed attempts as an amateur magician. Then he is standing in front of the booth at Sin City, where Lucifer and Katrina sign him to his wrestling contract. His first match and the pain of battle. Then he is reliving the nightmare of the pocket dimension, watching the Dilettante die, the long wait, the meeting with Imhotep. His experiences since returning to Earth quickly flash by: all those who have died, all those who have fought and lost, all of his own failures and ignorant beliefs---

---

Team ILLUSIONIST reaches the base of the Colossus, which has stood silent and still since the earthquake.

"We have to get up there as quickly as possible," Imhotep says. "I sense something very terrible is about to happen."

"Shit," JAZZ says. "And it ain't already the end of the world out here?"

"This is just the beginning."

JAZZ rubs his temples, gains his concentration, and then places Stella at his lips.

"Hold on, cats. This'll be some ride."

He breaks into Fly Me To the Moon, and Imhotep, Anubis, Vic Powers, Sr., and JAZZ lift up into the air, carried by the power of sweet, sweet Jazz music.

---

“COME…”

All he has to do is reach out and touch the crack. Allow D’Lo to enter his body, enter this universe. Victor Powers, Jr. would no longer exist. He would be freed from the torment of his failure. A new being would come to be. The living God. No, more powerful than a God.

“COME…”

Vic extends his right arm towards the crack. So close now, only inches away. He raises his arm, raises his hand---







Vic smiles, then FUCKING GIVES D’LO THE FINGER!

[Action Hank]

Vic turns his back on the crack and heads towards the way he entered. But as he turns, he finds himself facing the crack again. He turns again, and again, faces the crack.

“COME. . .”

---

The Colossus remains frozen in place, standing only a half-mile from Cockrockia. Thousands of its drunken, rock-themed goons and whores are rapidly fleeing the city, seeking shelter in the Blue Ridge mountains to the north, others---those more drunk or ballsy than others (and the hundreds tripping on shrooms and acid) head towards the giant. These are suddenly attacked by the incoming wave of Shadows and soon the field looks like a giant mosh pit as the rock goons defend themselves as they know how: headbutting, pushing/shoving, and breaking beer bottles over heads.

However, up along the back of the Colossus, things are quiet as TEAM ILLUSIONIST lands softly on the ledge. The opening into the center of the Colossus is closed. Imhotep examines it carefully, having been able to understand the meaning of the carvings. JAZZ attempts to force it over with a few standards, while Anubis gives it a few kicks. Eventually both stop to catch their breath.

“We will wait,” Imhotep says, looking out at the world before them. The clouds have cleared, and the sun begins to set on the wet ruined landscape, bathing it in red light. It looks as if the land is covered in blood. “And we will hope. It is up to Victor, now.”

---

“COME. . .”

“No, thank you.” Vic says, pointing at the crack. “I would rather not. I am a busy man, and have little time to waste here with you, Mr. Crack. I have a show to put on, an audience to please.”

The crack is silent.

Vic picks at his tuxedo and then an idea flashes through his mind (a rare occurrence, indeed). He looks at the crack---shivers run up and down his spine and every cell in his body seems to vibrate in fear---and gathers his courage.

“Do---do you like tricks?”

The crack is silent.

“Here,” he pulls out an unopened deck of cards from his pocket, then carefully removes the plastic cover and opens the deck. “As you can see, this is just an ordinary deck of cards.” He shows the cards: standard red-backed FTUW-themed cards.

The crack is silent.

Vic begins shuffling the cards. He stops. “Choose a card,” he says, fanning them out.

The crack is silent.

“Come on, don’t be shy, have a try!”

“COME. . .”

“I’ll take that to mean that this is your card. Now, don’t tell me what it is!” He shows the card to the crack, it is a King of Diamonds: represented by the Baron Hoity von Toity. Then he shuffles it back into the deck. He shuffles the deck again and stops. . . AT A BLUE-BACKED CARD!

“What---what is this?!” Vic says, faking his astonishment. He lifts the card up and turns it over---but spills the rest of the deck out into the darkness of the floor. He falls down to his knees and tries to pick up the cards, but as he does so, a second deck of cards slips from his shirt sleeve and mixes in with the others.

“Damn,” he mumbles. “Where is Kimchi. We really need to fix that clasp.”

He finally manages to gather up most of the cards, at least those he could see in the darkness, and stands back up.

“Here, we should probably start again,” he says, and begins shuffling the cards.

“COME. . .”

“Hey, a little patience, please,” Vic says, flummoxed. “Geez!”

He continues to shuffle the cards, but the more he shuffles, the more cards there seems to be. Soon, he’s shuffling three decks, then four. Then five. Then the numbers begin rising exponentially. Cards begin falling out left and right but are instantly replaced with dozens more. Soon cards are downpouring from the mess he is attempting to shuffle, covering the floor and spreading outward.

“COME. . .”

“SHUT UP!” Vic says. “I’M HAVING SOME TROUBLE HERE, AND NEED TO CONCENTRATE!”

In fact, he does need to concentrate as his hands work quickly, unlocking and removing ever deck of cards on his body, every deck of cards IN his body---hundreds and hundreds of spare decks. Soon cards are shooting out all over the place---a fountain of cards! The room is rapidly filling, and Vic and the crack are swimming in cards, though those cards that get too close to the crack vaporize.

“COME. . .”

Vic doesn’t respond. In fact, he can’t. He’s swallowed up by the cards, buried beneath them. But the cards keep coming. AND COMING. The smiling faces of living and dead FTUW wrestlers stare out into the darkness, crushing each other.

---

Suddenly the body of the Colossus begins to shake, then buckle, and then warp outward. Cards begin bleeding out of the various carvings, cracks, and holes along its body.

“What the hell?” JAZZ says, picking up one of the cards---a Jack of Spades showing himself. Then the back of the Colossus bursts open, and millions of cards shoot out, knocking TEAM ILLUSIONIST off the platform, and the Colossus falls forward, propelled by the stream of cards shooting from its back.

The Colossus lands with a thud, the ground shakes violently and the Cockrokists stumble over each other and parts of the city collapse from the quake. The cards continue to shoot out! TEAM ILLUSIONSIT is suddenly caught, midair, by the stream---which has begun taking a shape. The cards swirl around in the shape of---THE ILLUSIONIST! The second colossus, made of cards not rock, lifts our heroes up to the face, where they meet up with Vic, who is standing in one of the open eye sockets.

“Come,” he says, smiling. Then follow him into the socket and into the center of its head, into the control room, where the cards have taken the form and shape of computers, machinery, chairs, and an espresso maker that dispenses cards into a coup made of cards.

The Colossus suddenly wakes from its stasis, and pushes itself up off the ground and rising to its feet. The last few cards fall out and mix in with the giant mass of cards now standing directly across from the Colossus.

The monitors made of cards and showing images acted out by cards in complex card-based animations, show the other Colossus charging up an attack, as the cards vibrate along its card body (on the card monitor).

“Victor, I can’t----” Imhotep starts to speak.

“We can talk, later,” the ILLUSIONIST says, climbing into a strange card-based apparatus that looks like the Gundam controls from G-Gundam. He pulls a lever made out of the cards with his right arm and the right arm of the Card Colossus moves. He does the same with his left arm. He sticks his legs into a pair of card boots and cards rise up around his legs and down his arms.

“COME!” He shouts and the cards echo his voice. "COME!"

[Action Hank]

The two giants face off as the last bits of blood-red light are swallowed by distant hills, casting the two towering colossi in darkness. But the shadows are short-lived, as suddenly the two massive figures are lit up by giant spotlights: a fleet of blimps! FTUW blimps! The conclusion of this epic battle will be streamed live on the only surviving television network: FTUW TV!

Two of the larger blimps have large LCD screens, and now the images of Jim Ross and . . . a robot Jim Ross! Built to house JR's consciousness once his body finally gives in.

“BAH GAWD!” JR says.

“BAH GAWD!” robot JR clicks. “REPONSE ONE: WE HAVE THE MAKINGS OF A REAL <<SLOBERKNOCKER>> HERE TONIGHT.”

“That’s right, JR3000. I’m Jim Ross and we’re coming to you live from Metalrapia Plains for tonight’s final event between two real heavyweights.”

“ESTIMATED COMBINED WEIGHT OF <<CALCULATING>> ONE MILLION TONS!”

“A giant card Gundam piloted by TEAM ILLUSIONIST against an unknown giant rock colossus of evil intent.”

“SCANNING: <<CLICKCLICKCLICK>> RESULTS: THIS IS GOING TO BE ONE HELL’OVA MATCH.”

“That’s right, JR3000. One hell’ova a match.”

The two giants face each other, the battling horde of goons, metalrapists, and shadows surge below like a living tide.

The Colossus raises its hands.

“Oh my, looks like we have a challenge, JR3000.”

The CARD ILLUIONIST looks at the hands, seeming hesitant on what to do. At last, he raises his arms and the clasps his hands into those outstretched by the Colossus. They grapple for a moment, but there is no clear winner.

“ESTIMATING: EVENLY MATCHED.”

Again they grapple.

“So this is what happens when an irresistible force meets an immovable object!”

Suddenly the Colossus kicks the CARD ILLUSIONIST in the groin!

“WARNING: LOW BLOW! LOW BLOW!”

The CARD ILLUSIONIST hunches over and the Colossus grabs its head and face plants the giant into the ground.

“DEATH! DESTRUCTION! TASTE THE WRATH OF ETERNAL SUFFERING!” the millions of screaming voices shout in unison from the body of the Colossus.

The ground shakes violently---but the cards hold. The Colossus tries stomping on the CARD ILLUSIONIST, but he manages to capture the foot in his card hands and push upwards. The Colossus losses its footing and falls backwards, squashing thousands goons! The ground shudders. Slowly, the two giants raise back to their feet. This time the CARD ILLUSIONIST acts first, opening up his palms and shooting out a CARD MASEKNU! The Colossus gets hit squarely in the jaw and is stunned. The CARD ILLUSIONIST takes his chance, grabbing the Colossus AND LIFTING HIM INTO THE AIR!

“BAH GAWD! BAH GAWD!” JR shouts, his body spasming in excitement and from real medical conditions.

“ERROR! ERROR!” JR3000 begins to sizzle.

“Nothing up my sleeves---” the CARD ILLUSIONIST says. “BUT PAIN!”

The CARD ILLUSIONIST SLAMS THE COLOSSUS INTO THE GROUND! THE FORCE OF THE IMPACT CAUSES A MASSIVE EARTHQUAKE! The ground opens up as cracks and crevices form up and down the countryside. The battling goons and shadows are dispersed by the resulting shockwave.

The CARD ILLUSIONIST takes off his card hat and turns it upside-down over the Colossus. Massive card rabbits fall out, landing on the monster and leaving tons of turds made out of cards on its face.

Angered, the Colossus ---now remember, this thing is fucking huge, and most of the shit it does violates all laws of physics--- springs to its feet and clotheslines the CARD ILLUSIONIST before CARD VIC could place his card hat back on his card head. BUT THE ARM PASSES RIGHT THROUGH THE CARDS!

“I’m sorry,” the CARD ILLUSIONIST says. “But I’m not one to lose my head over such weak attacks. And besides---”

The Colossus stops. Suddenly its arm explodes into thousands of boulders.

“Do you need a hand with that?” the CARD ILLUSIONIST says.

“Bah gawd! I can’t believe what I just saw! That Colossus’s arm just blew apart like a man’s rectum after eating of my finest slow smoked meats in the industry and slathered up with some good old Oklahoma-style bbq sauce! We gotta see that again!”

“AFFIRMATIVE.”

The video on the blimp shows a slow-motion replay of the Colossus’s arm passing through the neck of the CARD ILLUSIONIST. Slowed down, it is clear that the cards had taken the shapes of thousands of spinning saw blades that sliced through the arm as it passed.

“Well, I’ll be a mutated goon’s third testicle!”

“It is time for the last trick of the evening,” the CARD ILLUSIONIST says, raising his card arms. "No encores, sorry. There won't be an audience left to enjoy it."

The Colossus roars and a neon blue aura forms around its body. The air fills with ozone, and then----

[Spamdini]

AND THEN?!

[Action Hank]

AND THEN the ground shakes in violent tremors as chunks of rock and earth levitate in the air as blue and white lightning explode all around the colossus.

“Bah gawd!” JR says as a bolt of lightning strikes one of the FTUW blimps, causing it to explode in a fiery ball of death that plummets to the ground right into the crowd (the goons, metalrapists, and shadows had wisely formed a ring around the two giant fighters and were cheering on their warriors).

“REPORT: 01001111 01101000 00101100 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01001000 01110101 01101101 01100001 01101110 01101001 01110100 01111001 00100001” JR3000 says.

“I couldn’t have said it, better.”

The blimps start veering off haphazardly to escape further lightning strikes, but two manage to crash into each other. The crowd cheers as the fresh fireballs light the night sky.

The CARD ILLUSIONIST cracks his card fingers and jumps at the Colossus, but he’s knocked back by a tremendous energy wave.

Within the CARD ILLUSIONIST, Imhotep-Lex watches with horror.

“Victor, you must destroy this thing. And fast. It is going to destroy the entire planet at this rate.”

Vic nods from his card controls, and reaches for a card chain that is made out of only red-backed cards.

“I didn’t want to have to use this, but if I must---”

Before Vic gets a chance to pull it, the Colossus leans forward and fires a blast of energy from the opening where its head once was. A beam emerges and grows in diameter logarithmically. The CARD ILLUSIONIST leaps out of the way, but the blast is just too wide. It clips his legs and the cards are vaporized instantly. Meanwhile, the blast continues expanding outward, carving out a fresh chunk of the Earth before bursting out of the atmosphere. It continues through space, at last reaching its final size at about the diameter of Jupiter, and after about 15 years, intersects Kapteyn’s Star---completely destroying the class M0 subdwarf star.

JR3000 explodes.

JR seizures for a moment, but his cybernetic emergency medical unit activates and injects him with bull epinephrine. He convulses for a moment, froths at the mouth, and then relaxes.

“Bah gawd!”

The Colossus sways for a moment, its strange black-blue light fading. It seems to power down and hunch over. The CARD ILLUSIONIST falls to the ground, red cards shooting and bleeding out from where its card legs had been vaporized.

Vic grimaces as he tries to regain control of the card robot, but the leg controls are shot.

“Victor!” Imhotep says, picking himself up off the floor (which was previously the wall). “We need to attack now!”

“I can’t,” the ILLUSIONIST says. He pulls at the red card chain but nothing happens. “The control’s been severed. And I don’t have enough cards to---”

“Son,” Victor Sr. says, unbuckling his card seat belt. “Here---use these.” He takes off his grifter’s jacket and tosses it to his son. “Remember, the key to a successful hustle---is the feint.”

The ILLUSIONIST smiles and takes the jacket. Tears stream down his face and he nods in appreciation.

Outside the Colossus begins to stir again, as more energy pours out from the Crack. It shakes to life and glows wildly. It punches down with its good arm into the ground---and ABSORBS ROCKS INTO ITS BODY! IT REFORMS ITS MISSING ARM AND ASSEMBLES. . . A HEAD! A giant rock version of AC Conner’s head, with glowing black eyes. It opens its rock mouth and roars! The crowd screams in fear of the pure awesomeness of the moment.

There is chaos within the CARD ILLUSIONIST as the members of TEAM ILLUSIONIST aren’t sure if they should shit their pants or cut their throats---all but Vic.

He looks at his father, than at Imhotep.

“Time for THE MASTER’S GAMBIT!”

Imhotep turns pale and his eyes widen. Then he smiles and nods. He starts to laugh. He falls over on his knees, laughing.

Vic tosses his tuxedo jacket to the floor and puts on his father’s grifter’s jacket (a cheap seersucker suit jacket). He shoves his arms into his controls, allowing the cuffs of the jacket to link into the system. Outside, thousands of cards begin gathering around the stumps of the legs. These aren’t FTUW cards, but they are dark blue in color and each one carries a unique mark. THE CARDS OF THE GRIFTER! Then the card tuxedo jacket takes on the same color as it changes appearance to reflect the grifter’s jacket.

The CARD ILLUSIONIST leaps up on its new legs just as the Colossus lunges at it, and the two meet in mutual explosive punches. It produces yet another shockwave. Thousands of heads in the crowd explode from the tremendous pressure.
The two giants are pushed back by the force of their blows, but both remain on their feet. Again they throw successive blows. Again and again, vicious punch after vicious punch. The blimps have rearranged themselves further back at a safer distance. JR’s paralyzed face appears on the giant screen next to steaming remains of JR3000.

“What did I say, JR3000? What did I say? A REAL SLOBERNOCKER!”

The Colossus suddenly gets the upper hand, landing a particularly stunning blow and the CARD ILLUSIONIST reels. It is about to land yet another punch with the card giant raises a hand and slides backwards.

“Step right up, step right up,” the CARD ILLUSIONST says. “Try your luck? Try your luck!”

With a sweep of the hand a giant table made out of cards shoots out from its arms.

“Find the queen and win---my soul!”

Three giant cards, each the size of a truck, form out of many cards. They sit on the table, slightly bent to form tent shapes. The Colossus pauses and watches as at first the CARD ILLUSIONIST shows the queen, and then the card shifting begins.

“Bah gawd! The ILLUSIONIST is trying to con a rock!”

“FIZZLE---POP!”

“Exactly what I was thinking,” JR says. “And don’t call me a Jambroni.”

The giant cards move slowly at first, and the Colossus can easily follow the queen. But then it starts moving faster and faster and faster. Finally it stops and looks up at the Colossus. The stone giant ponders his choices for a moment, and then points at the center card and roars a terrible roar that turns everyone’s hair in the audience white.

“Let’s see how lucky you are,” the CARD ILLUSIONIST says, and flips over the card. “So sorry.”

It is a joker card made of many joker cards.

“I guess the joker’s on him,” JR says.

The Colossus, frustrated, turns over the other two cards. Neither are queens!!!

In anger, he tosses the table aside---but the table is made of cards, and instead of falling over, the cards wrap around the Colossus like a straight jacket. The Colossus struggles against it.

Quickly, the CARD ILLUSIONIST swings around the Colossus and faces its back.

“THE MASTER’S GAMBIT!” Vic shouts. “IT’S OVA!”

The CARD ILLUSIONIST grabs at the Colossus---but the Colossus breaks free and is able to match the CARD ILLUSIONIST’s speed! It grabs the giant card robot and---

“OH NO! OH NO!” JR shouts, “NOT THE---”

The Colossus flips over the CARD ILLUSIONIST and prepares a POWER BOMB!

“Folks, this could be it! This could be it for life as we know it,” JR says, banging his head against the wall, trying to kill himself before facing whatever imaginable horror would result from a half-mile tall giant made out of rock and pure evil power bombing another half-mile tall giant.

The Colossus leaps into the air---mouths drop---the world seems to stand still---everything moves in slow motion as dark energies surround the Colossus and the helpless CARD ILLUSIONIST---and then they hit the ground and there is a blinding white flash as insane amounts of energy are released---

It takes a moment for the surviving blimps to get their spotlights working again, though the sky is brightened by a distant ring of fire. The ground has been pulverized into a massive crater the size of the state of Rhode Island and of the texture of glass. The audience has been vaporized. The city has been vaporized. And in the center of the crater are THE LEGS OF THE COLOSSUS, ITS BODY BURIED DEEP WITHIN THE EARTH.

The blimp lights search for any signs of the CARD ILLUSIONIST, but there’s not a single card to be found on the ground. The suddenly, something flashes through the spotlight. A FLOCK OF GIANT CARD DOVES! A MASSIVE FLOCK OF A THOUSANDS OF CARD DOVES EACH THE SIZE OF A SMALL PLANE! And on top of them stand TEAM ILLUSIONIST, Vic standing tall, the breeze whipping through his hair.

“I don’t know what happened, folks,” JR says. “We’re trying to get the replay---wait, the Colossus is still moving!”

The stone legs begin to move as it tries to pull itself from the ground. But Vic doesn’t look bothered. In fact, he is smiling. He shouts something, but the microphones can’t pick it up, and the giant card doves enter a V formation. JAZZ pull out Stella and begins to play, all of TEAM ILLUSIONIST but Vic are carried into the air on his music.

Vic waves his team off, and then points at the legs of the Colossus. The CARD DOVES speed up and FLY STRAIGHT INTO THE STONE COLOSSUS’S ASS!!! THOUSANDS OF THE CARD DOVES! ONE AFTER ANOTHER!!

The Colossus explodes! Chunks of rock and dirt rain from the sky.


“I---I JUST DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY!!! Wait---look’s like we have a replay of what happened, folks,” JR says on the giant screens. “Let’s take a look.”

The video slows down and replays the Colossus beginning to powerbomb the CARD ILLUSIONIST. But at the last moment---the screen flickers. JR screams and his head explodes---chunks of his brain matter scatter around the room. His head is now the consistency of his bbq sauce.

For on the screen, replaying over and over again, within that flicker---the CARD ILLUSIONIST instantly reverses the power bomb and simultaneously STUNNERS THE COLOSSUS. The sheer impossibility of the act---a stunner and a powerbomb at the same time---causes tv sets around the world to explode, and the final blimps fall to the ground in heaps of burning vinyl.

This was THE MASTER’S GAMBIT. The final illusion! The mind and body is confused into believing it is being stunnered and powerbombed at the same time. It is impossible to separate the truth from the illusion: are both acts actually happening? Is one real and the other an illusion? Are they both illusions? It doesn’t matter.

Vic stands at the edge of the hole in the center of glassed crater. Hovering above is the Crack. All around is absolute silence. Slowly what little light there vanishes as the Crack pulsates.

>>>>>>>>>NEXT: CONCLUSION?

[Action Hank]

"BZZZZZT...SYSTEM CHECK..." the voice box of JR3000 clicks to life. "BZZZT...SYSTEMS STABILIZED AT 18%..."

All around the world, people replace their destroyed TVs with their backups---which one always needs when watching FTUW matches due to televisions constantly vaporizing from awesomeness. As they turn back in at the end of the match, viewership has dropped about a third from heart attacks and random head explosions.

The screen is still dark, but FTUW technicians and contracted goon lighting engineer squads (comprised of mutated monsters embedded with lightbulbs that glow from their high levels of radiation, and a bunch of guys with flashlights for dicks) are quick to set up lighting. Even in post-apocalyptic America, FTUW can get the job done.

Soon audiences around the world can see the gapping crater and the giant hole where the Colossus had been viciously raped (while his body simultaneously raped the ground), and they can see the strange crack that causes their televisions to go staticy with each pulsation.

Then they see the ILLUSIONIST, standing silently at the edge of the hole, staring into the crack.

He turns away from the crack, crouches down and holds his head in his hands. Cameras turn to the rest of TEAM ILLUSIONIST, who are racing down the side of the crater towards Vic. The only sound the microphones can pick up is JR3000, who has suddenly taken a turn for the worst. The crack is interfering with the rest of the feed.

"BZZZT...AXILLARY POWER FAILURE IN TWO MINUTES..."

Vic looks up and sees his friends coming towards him. He is clearly tired but does not move from his spot. His father walks over to him, never once looking at the crack. He puts his hand on his son's shoulder and says something. JAZZ nods. Anubis stands with arms cross. He has nearly reverted back to looking completely like Kimchi, as Imhotep's illusion has almost worn off.

As for Imhotep, he is standing back from the group.

"BZZZT...AXILLARY POWER FAILURE IN ONE MINUTE...WARNING...WARNING..."

He is standing back and appears to be wrestling---with himself, but no one else is paying attention.

The crack pulsates.

"BZZZT...AXILLARY POWER FAILURE IN 30 SECONDS...WARNING...CORE BREACH WARNING...WARNING..."

The crack pulsates and it seems as if all light is vanishing around TEAM ILLUSIONIST.

"BZZT...TWENTY SECONDS...WARNING..."

At last Vic seems able to get to his feet again. JAZZ and Victor, Sr walk towards him to help him to his feet. Suddenly Imhotep rushes forward, pushing Anubis-Kimchi aside. He is screaming something.

"BZZZT...TEN SECONDS...WARNING...CORE BREACH IMMINENT...WARNING..."

Imhotep knocks JAZZ and Vic, Sr away, then throws himself at the ILLUSIONIST. The two struggle, falling backward and towards the crack.

"BZZZT...FIVE SECONDS...INITIATING OKLAHOMA-STYLE CORE BREACH..."

Anubis-Kimchi gets back to his feet and runs at them, with JAZZ and Vic, Sr. at his side.

"FOUR..."

The crack pulsates, filling the area with complete darkness.

"THREE..."

The crack pulsates and the darkness disappears. TEAM ILLUSIONIST is struggling, trying to pull Vic back.

"TWO..."

Imhotep doesn't let go, and falls back off the edge of the hole, his legs pulled up into the air as if being sucked up by a tornado.

"ONE..."

Vic loses his footing, Imhotep's is shadowed by the beginning pulsation of the crack as he slides in---

"ZERO...SAFETY OFFLINE...CORE BREACH..."

There is a bright light. From a distance, fresh helicopters and blimps pick up a massive mushroom cloud. They try to focus the camera shot on the crater and the crack, but a layer of dust is blocking the view. Then it settles.

Then comes a voice. It is distant yet near, and vibrates so deeply that your bones and teeth vibrate.

"...LIFE IS A NIGHTMARE..."

[Action Hank]

THE ILLUSIONIST: PART THREE
THE ULTIMATE ILLUSION
Chapter 3: DIE ILLUSIONIST DIE
----END---

[Action Hank]

EPILOGUE:


Something large rises from amid rubble, melted plastic, and metal. Something large and bulging and most likely inhuman. The sun hasn't yet risen, and the FTUW airships and helicopters are scouting in the distance. The large thing limps across the wastelands, making strange slurping, sucking, and weezing sounds.

It stops at a charred corpse of some goon and there is the sound of bones crunching and burnt flesh tearing. Then the large thing continues to shuffle across the ruined field, slowly and methodically. At last, the morning breaks, and in the morning glow (and glow of the radiated land), the thing---the hulk---is outlined. Human, but not quite human in shape.

It weezes and stops at the edge of some reflective metal surface and stares at itself. It growls in a phlegmy way, mad and wild. Then, slowly, it seems to become self-aware. It thinks for a moment, remembering something recent and terrible, and then, in a voice filled with pain, fear, and anger:

"Bah gawd!!!!" the mutated reanimated hulk of Jim Ross says. "Bah gawd."