Dragon Ball Z Uncensored

[Spamdini]

Story 9: Mr. Hoity von Toity (good guy one)

It's been a long time since I introduced this guy so a little bit of a reminder as to who this von Toity is. Unlike the sinister King Hoity von Toity (née Baron Hoity von Toity), this von Toity's beginnings were quite humble. Hard working, he immigrated to the United States from his native Hungary in order to earn money to send home. In spite of his constant efforts and dedication however, he only earned enough to survive. Going over the highlights of his life would be an exercise in tedium for he had nothing interesting going for him. Dated a few times but never had a serious relationship in spite of being in his mid-30s. All his family lived over the ocean and he had no real friends outside of work acquaintances. Life was depressing enough for the working stiff until he was whisked away from his world.

You see, this von Toity is from our world. A world where FTUW is just an internet fantasy wrestling league that no one reads. As such, no one knew where he could have possibly gone when the portal opened and sucked him into the wasteland that our old FTUW chums currently live in. The evil Baron Hoity von Toity drew him here in order to use his body to replace the one that Guan Fei destroyed long ago. Left a decapitated head in a jar, he would have been doomed to life as a lab specimen had Macho Man Randy Savage not used the power of cocaine to provide him with a new body and bust him out of his imprisonment.

But there was something different about this new body! He felt a power coursing through him the likes he had never felt before. He was always in good shape but now he was as strong as an ox, as flexible as a gymnast, as swift as a wildcat and as tough as a boulder.

"Incredible," Hoity von Toity (henceforth HvT) stated as he stared as his own sweat-soaked muscles following a workout in an underground training arena somewhere secret. "I've been pumping enough weight to make even Olympic athletes collapse from exhaustion. But...I feel great!"

"Because your spirit is strong!"

HvT looked all around him and jumped into a fighting stance. Ever since he issued his challenge to the evil King von Toity, he had been careful to keep all his activities secret so as to avoid assassination. "Bastard!" HvT screamed an the unseen speaker. "Who are you?! Come here and I'll show you what I'll show that devious king!"

From the wall emerged the spirit of Ricky Williams. Though his body was reduced to a being composed entirely of weed smoke, his demeanor was still as upbeat as it ever was in life. HvT lunged forth with a right straight that even surprised the ghost with its power and speed, but merely passed right through its target.

"Relax my son! I am but a spirit guide who wishes for you to correct the imbalance in the universe."

HvT seemed skeptical, but calmed down and listened to what this man was saying. "Imbalance? You mean because there are two von Toitys now?"

"Precisely," Ricky Williams replied as he sucked down the smoke from his own arm. "However, though his heart is corrupt and venomous, yours is pure and hard-working. It is inevitable that he will fall to you."

"Huh?! But...aren't I the wrong von Toity? I mean, this isn't my world."

"Ah, but it is now! You are in effect an outcast in your own world because you were born in the wrong place. Had you been born in this world, karma would have rewarded you as you deserved. One can only imagine the possibilities a babyface Hoity von Toity would have had. Perhaps...America would have never been destroyed and you could have helped stop the upcoming cataclysm."

"Cataclysm?! What are you talking about, Ghost Ricky Williams?! You mean the end of the world is coming?!"

But Ricky Williams just smiled. "Hoity von Toity the Virtuous, may victory guide your hand! Just believe in yourself and all your years of dedication will finally pay off!"

And with that Ricky Williams disappeared. HvT was shocked by the news that this supernatural being had just given to him, but he knew that there was only one goal he could focus on: Beating King von Toity and winning control over FTUW for the greater good of man!

Both clocks ticked down. The clock to the Ultimate Survivor Series and the clock to the GRAND FINALE.

[My Head Hurts 90]

Ricky Williams always knows the right thing to say.

[Spamdini]

Story 10: King Hoity von Toity

1967

"Push darling!"

Moneybags von Toity holds his wife Cashlina's hand as her screams echo through the maternity ward. The labor is long and arduous, but a healthy Hoity von Toity is born that day. Two beaming parents look on adoringly at their first, and ultimately only, child with tears in their eyes.

1973

"Come along, Hoi-hoi!" Cashlina chirps. She and her son are walking along the streets of downtown Richonia, buying Christmas gifts for needy orphans. Hoity never understood why his parents gave away their wealth so readily iand was confused by their insistence on helping those less fortunate than himself.

That is when Hoity saw something he had never seen before in his life. A homeless man!

"Spare some change, ma'am?"

"Oh you poor thing!" Cashlina exclaims. Without a second thought, she whips out her wallet and places a sack of gold coins into the homeless man's filthy cap. Hoity, however, just looks at him with great confusion. His mother is nearly two blocks away before Hoity goes up to the beggar.

"Why she give you money?" he asks.

"Because I'm homeless! I need that money to survive!"

At that moment, another homeless man comes along the street. "Hey Hanz, you actually got one of these snobs to give you cash?"

"Ha ha, yeah! It's great! I knew if we quit our jobs and came here we could make a fortune! There must be a few thousand Deutsche Marks in this bag alone!"

This was the beginning of young Hoity von Toity's realization that money was not something to be parted with so easily.

1979

Straining his ears as best as he could, Hoity listens to his parents talking with their accountant through one of the mountainous doors of Castle Toitula.

"I'm telling you von Toity! Philanthropy is fine and well but in you continue like this you'll be bankrupt within 15 years! What about your family and subjects?!"

Moneybags von Toity gets up out of his chair with a great burst of anger. "You just don't understand, do you?! Money can never buy happiness and my wife and I have learned this! My ancestors gathered this wealth through unethical means that caused the suffering of millions! I would rather live in poverty with my loving family in order to erase the sins of the past. Now please leave!"

Devastated by what he just heard, Hoity runs away and into the deepest cellar of Castle Toitula.

"I-I can't believe it," the young boy stammers through his tears. "Daddy doesn't care about me at all! He wants me to live in misery just so he can feel better about himself! He hates me! Well I hate him! Both of them!"

Young von Toity opens up a thick iron door whose lock only he has the key to. So expansive is Castle Toitula that his parents have never in their lives seen this door, let alone wondered about what it may contain. As it swings open, a teenage Wilson Hickenbottom is already there waiting.

"Greetings young master! I have done as you have so ordered. I must say, I did not think my first task as your humble servant would be so...gruesome.

Hanging from the wall are the two beggars he had met years before. They are strung up high enough so that the pigs that wander the cell have only managed to eat their legs up to their knees. That does not keep the ungodly stench from reaching their noses, however. Only Wilson and Hoity have the luxury of noseplugs and rubber boots. One of the hobos has had his eyes gouged out while the other, Hanz, the man his mother gave money to, attempts to scream in spite of the nails hammered under his teeth into his gums.

"I'm in a bad mood. I think I'll kill them today..."

Later that year

Chief Fisting Falcon bursts into Castle Toitula and kills Moneybags and Cashlina von Toity while declaring his allegiance to young Hoity. The boy sheds not a tear for his parents.

1988

Known as the boy wonder of Europe, Baron Hoity von Toity has led Richonia into a new era of prosperity to a level which it not known in generations. Business publications all over the world speak of his genius, and foreign leaders from all over have come to greatly respect him and his ideal nation. Even his more jealous neighbors have at least come to fear the technological superiority of his army.

"Congratulations sir," says Wilson calmly while going over a ledger. "You've already accomplished so much in your life. Imagine what your legacy will be."

"Sigh...then why do I feel incomplete?"

Von Toity turns on the television and in a rare move on his part changes the channel from the business network to the Seoul Olympics. It is currently that famous amateur wrestling match where Ultimate Warrior made a run-in and body pressed the North Korean wrestler, impaling him on an American flag to great applause.

"Athletics, eh..."

2005

A much more muscular von Toity is in the process of squatting over 200 pounds of weight when a crony runs into the room out of breath. "Sir, James Brock McHarris is here! He wants to...UNGRUGH!!!"

"Heh heh, sorry boy! I forgot to zip up after taking a piss in your ivory toilet. Didn't mean to crush your help with my meaty member! Heh heh heh! Quite the cute little house you got here, eh?"

"How can I help you, McHarris? Did you come all this way to use my facilities and show that your phallus is capable of crushing a human skull?"

"Ha ha, naw! Haven't you heard? I'm putting together a wrestling league! Just wanted to see if a wacky-ass bastard like you had anyone you'd wanna throw to the dogs?"

Von Toity puts down the barbell and wipes the sweat off his bald brow before placing his goofy-looking hairpiece on. Pouring himself and his visitor a drink, von Toity chuckles as the concept. "Heh heh, a deathmatch between freaks from around the world. Yeah, that's got James Brock McHarris written all over it."

"So what to you say, old boy?"

Setting his scotch down and scribbling down information onto a notepad, von Toity smiles widely. "An American associate of mine by the name of Colonel Richardson has an African wildman that may be right up your alley. Ooka Jew or something along those lines."

"An African Jew?! Damn, he'll be my #1 heel! Heh heh, I think I may have found my first superstar for years to come!"

"I'll let Richardson know you'll call."

After McHarris has left, von Toity calls Wilson into the gym, the smell of McHarris' ultra-potent testosterone still hanging in the air.

"Prepare the plane for America. I wish to watch this wrestling league."

This shocks Wilson, a man normally incapable of shock. "So you mean you're finally..."

"We shall see. But I think it's finally time I put my years of training into practice..."

Present day

It is the day before the Ultimate Survivor Series. King von Toity sits in his throne, looking down upon his Nouveau-Richonian subjects. He finishes his drink, fermented from the tongues of blue whales, and for the first time in years feels regret.

"I wonder how Richonia is doing...my beloved nation. My first love."

He stands up and reflects upon his life thus far. "Will I meet my end tomorrow? Bah, there is no chance! I am Hoity von Toity! No one is stronger, smarter or more fortunate than me! My legend is still being written!"

The next day's sunrise hang ominously over Nouveau-Richonia for by the time the next one comes around, the nation, and maybe the world, will be changed forever.

Ten Men, Ten Stories - End
Up Next: Ultimate Survivor Series