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Sparta in Total Fucking Excitement

 
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Big Fagot
Alpha ape
Joined: 09 Jan 2007
Posts: 10544
(Sat Oct 27, 2007 9:03 pm)
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Post     Sparta in Total Fucking Excitement

I had a real promo almost ready to post but I forgot to finish it and there's really no reason to post it now as opposed to when it's been proofread. So here's a teaser.



GOOD GUYS
Sparta: Yeah!
Roulette: Supposed to be strong but I always write him jobbing
Tab: Bat backward
Carlos: Cyborg ninja spic

BAD GUYS
Beta Force: Yeah!
General Kasparov: Dorian from Baki
Doctor Diaz: The trollish little evil manager from Ippo
Connor Foundation: Yeah!
Mysterious head of Connor Foundation: Alright!!

Chapter 2: Calculation

“But … the Terror Trio has to have three people!” A huge goon with a scarred face and chest sits astride a grizzly bear. “It has to! Otherwise it’s not a trio!”

“Life is filled with little disappointments,” says Carlos Castellan, lifting his sword. Speared on it in the middle like a kebab is a severed mohawked head, pierced through both temples by the blade, still blinking. Before him are three grizzly bears being ridden like horses. One of the riders collapses, spilling his life’s blood from his neck. Carlos whips the sword and sends the head rolling through the dirt. “You have to … roll with the punches!”

“D … darn yoooouuuu!!!” The two remaining bear riders explode toward Carlos! On his left, Nick Sparta steps in front of him, carrying his brother on his shoulders! The bear rears up on its hind legs, bellowing, and comes down straight at Sparta with both paws! However, its claws bounce off an invisible wall and land on an invisible floor … an infinitely slippery invisible floor! The bear slips and falls on its face! With a wave of his hand, Nick levitates a nearby stone off the ground above the bear’s head! In one motion, Nick passes out and begins to fall to one side, but Al lands on his feet and flips Nick up onto his shoulders! The rock falls incredibly fast through the bear’s head, making a grotesque mockery of its skull! As the goon rider looks on and goes “ah puh pah”, Al does a flip or something and his body explodes! The bear was really beastly looking and hard to empathize with, so it’s okay that it died.

The other bear charges but Roulette steps in front! The bear swipes and hits Roulette right in the face – but nothing happens! Roulette gingerly pulls the paw away and jumps up onto its head, standing above the goon.

“Wait,” says the goon. “I just thought of something. We should have called ourselves Ursa Murder.”

“Yes,” agrees Roulette, karate chopping his head off. “That would have been much better.” He then explodes backward, the impulse of the bear’s swipe finally catching up with him. Then the two bears that are still alive start fucking with decapitated goons on their backs.

“The roving gangs are getting more bizarre,” says Al. “We must be close.”

“Yes,” says Carlos. “Very close.”
Action Hank
Yes, I fart dicks. Dicks actually come out of my anus when I fart.
Joined: 20 Jan 2007
Posts: 8600
(Sat Oct 27, 2007 9:24 pm)
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Post     Re: Sparta in Total Fucking Excitement

Peter, you should promo more. They're always very good!
Vinny
[00:10] How can you get an erect dick into your own ass?
Joined: 16 Jan 2007
Posts: 5181
(Sun Oct 28, 2007 1:13 am)
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Post     Re: Sparta in Total Fucking Excitement

I agree!
Big Fagot
Alpha ape
Joined: 09 Jan 2007
Posts: 10544
(Mon Apr 14, 2008 5:52 pm)
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Post     Re: Sparta in Total Fucking Excitement

He lies flat on his back staring at the sky. He doesn't even try to move. His body is ruined. It's more than being too tired, or in too much pain. His muscles won't respond at all, like they're not part of his body anymore. He might as well wiggle the grass under his back as wiggle his fingers. It's relaxing. Being tense of mind makes one tense of body; surely, being so relaxed of body, he must be in a place far from danger.

The dark streak across the sky tells him otherwise. It's shaped like a stretched teardrop, like a brush dipped in tar had been swiped across a completed still life. He follows its dreamy transit across the sky with his eyes.

That's how I'm going to die.

The streak explodes into flames. It gets brighter, staining the sky black in contrast. Shadows radiate from every object, pointing like weathervanes toward the bonfire overhead, the only source of light left in the world. It moves, faster now, silently. The sound it makes can't keep up.

All I want is to live!

He watches the fireball approach. Its tail is invisible, hidden behind the burning body directed straight at his face, right between his eyes. It smashes into his face, and then through it. He feels his teeth being crushed from his mouth and his soft eyeballs liquefied and pushed back into his skull. The skin of his face is blasted away like it were wet clay being sprayed by a fire hose. He feels that his head must be hollow and made of paper, with a string on the inside that's attached to the hidden backside of his face, and now it's been drawn through a hole in the back and someone is tugging on it, pulling his head through itself. For a second he can hear his skull being crushed, but then the fireball's sound slams into him all at once. It sounds like radio static being played louder than he's ever heard. His brain is being destroyed, he knows, because it's getting harder to form thoughts. He can feel the ground under his head crater, and the skin on his cheeks tearing as bone fragments launch themselves out in all directions.

I want to live and nothing else!

His body jerks violently as he wakes. He feels his arms and legs spasming and wonders consciously how long it will take to stop, still thinking at the speed of his dream. He sits upright and grabs his temples with both hands, then puts one hand on his chest. His heart is beating almost as rapidly as his hands are trembling, and his breathing is nearly as fast as that. His forehead creases. His eyebrows move upward and nearly meet in the middle. The corners of his mouth pull back, exposing his bottom teeth. One makes this face when confronted with pain that can't be borne and also can't be avoided.

Outside his hut, the night is so black beneath the new moon that the horizon can only be seen by the absence of stars; but the inside of is made visible by an even, pulsating, perfect white glow, spreading evenly across all surfaces and angles, sourceless unless the source is the air itself, waxing and waning precisely in time with his spasmodic breaths.
Big Fagot
Alpha ape
Joined: 09 Jan 2007
Posts: 10544
(Sat Apr 26, 2008 5:03 pm)
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Post     Re: Sparta in Total Fucking Excitement

The iron turns over in the hot coals.

"Let's give that a minute."

The shirtless figure turns around. His body is ugly, but functional. His skin is tight against his muscles; these days, starvation is fact even for those who serve the nobility. It might just be the flickering red light of the torches, but his skin seems dark and tough. He looks like polished wood, the result of half a lifetime of working with flame.

The pain ...

The torturer approaches the nude man hanging from the wall. "Adil," he says. The coffee colored skin of the man on the wall is pierced through both sides of the bicep by a large steel needle. The torturer grabs both ends of the needle in his fingers and twists it. "Do I have that right, Turk?"

Donka ...

"Forgive me, Turk," says the torturer, pulling the needle out. Adil's lips press together as he moans. "I am out of practice. This is a quiet fief. Until recently it had been nearly a year since I'd taken so much as a head or a hand for my lord." He presses the needle against his bicep again, this time perpendicular to the wound left before, and pushes it in. It scrapes the bone and can go no further, but he twists it out of the way and forces it out the other side.

It hurts so much.

"That was until the famine," says the torturer, turning back around. "That sort of thing tends to put stealing and killing into the hearts of men, more than normal, and then I take something from them, whatever my lord wants. But the things that land a man in here, in this room, they seem to happen less when men are hungry."

Donka, my love ...

"It might have been some time before I got to use my tools again," says the torturer. He picks up the iron and turns it over in the flames. "When you first showed your face here, I thought, here's a man even dumber than me, willing to show his skin here where he's not welcome. But when you were caught with one of our women, I knew you must be dumb even for a Turk."

Is this pain the reason Man exists?

"You're not welcome here, Turk. Remember that, for when you get out of here." He sneers like a bully telling his prey to stop hitting himself. "I suppose I owe you, Mister Dumb Turk. I should thank God for your foolishness!"

God, thinks Adil, scoffing in his mind. He spits, partly to clear his mouth of blood, partly at the thought of any creature that would create and preside over a world such as this.

"This looks ready." He pulls the iron from the fire and holds it up. Its glow is visible even with the fire behind it. "Right, Turk?" He walks over to Adil and presses the hot iron against his skin.

It wasn't supposed to be like this. This pain is not what Man was meant for. This is a mistake. His eyes shoot open; he didn't know they were closed. It's a mistake ... something went wrong. This shouldn't be happening.

It wasn't supposed to be like this!

Flames explode from every square inch of Adil's body. The torturer jumps back as his restraints explode, sending him to the floor where he writhes like a maggot against the flames that won't stop. Adil howls unnaturally. The shriek is profound and sustained.

It was later said by the serfs that it sounded like the voice of God or Satan, but this was an exaggeration. It was too loud and too long to be a man's scream, but in its quality it was unmistakably the voice of a man.
Big Fagot
Alpha ape
Joined: 09 Jan 2007
Posts: 10544
(Sun May 04, 2008 1:46 pm)
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Post     Re: Sparta in Total Fucking Excitement

By the way, the last two posts are not directly part of the same story. Sorry for being confusing!
Big Fagot
Alpha ape
Joined: 09 Jan 2007
Posts: 10544
(Sun May 04, 2008 3:31 pm)
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Post     Re: Sparta in Total Fucking Excitement

Too far, she thinks. Too high, can't climb. Legs won't climb. Kubo climbs against the ache in her knees, and her arms, and her stomach most of all. She trips and staggers as her bony limbs fail to support the rest of her body. Need to eat. She continues climbing. Forward is where the food is, since there's certainly none behind her.

In a future she can't imagine, it will be called the Toba catastrophe. The Toba supervolcano erupted, filling the atmosphere with ash and causing a mass extinction. The human population was reduced to a few tens of thousands, or perhaps even less. In the contemporary world, even nuclear war couldn't create such a dire catastrophe.

Even now, the sun still hasn't lost its redness. It was much darker a few months ago, like blood. The ground had shaken beneath her feet, and then the next day the clouds had come and covered the sun. They stayed for many days and made rain that would sting your eyes. The rain poisoned the plants and killed the fish, and the animals that ate plants and fish died. Kubo's grandmother died, too. She had been very skinny before she died, and now everyone was very skinny.

The other side of the mountain, Kubo had said. No one has gone there. All the food went over the mountain, away from us. The food must have gone there; clearly it went somewhere, and so much food can only go so far. It's always been true. When there isn't enough food, that means it's time to move. There's always food waiting somewhere. Just over the mountain, she insists to herself. Then I can walk downhill. I'll eat until I'm fat again, and bring back what I can carry, and then they'll all come back with me. She crests the peak and looks on the other side.

IN THE LEAST SHOCKING TWIST IN LITERARY HISTORY there is no food. The other side is exactly the same. Dead trees, rotten fruit, decaying animal corpses. The rivers are brown and speckled with dead fish. Kubo collapses against a grey, hollow tree trunk and looks down on the spoiled world below.

She stays there for hours, leaning against the tree. She wonders at first where the food did go if it's not here. Then it occurs to her that such balance doesn't have to exist; there's no reason there can't be less food now than there was before. That seems wrong to her; what can anyone possibly do if there's no food anywhere? This much hunger is wrong.

More hours pass. Night falls. How much hunger is right? Kubo thinks about it throughout the night. Any amount of hunger is wrong, she decides. So why does it exist? She ponders this some more in the darkness and decides that someone made hunger. She decides that there wasn't always hunger, but a monster came and used magic to make people and animals hungry, so they would have to kill and eat each other. She realizes that the monster needed a reason to cast this spell, and concludes that the monster must itself be hungry, and needs to eat the sadness and fear that people and animals feel when eating each other.

Who made the monster, and who gave him his hunger? Kubo has no answer for this. She decides at last that there is no need for the monster, and that he must have come to be by accident. If everything had gone the way it was meant to, she thinks, there would be no monster and no hunger. The sun emerges from the horizon and shines red light onto her. It wasn't supposed to be this way!

Kubo's spindly body bursts into flames. Fierce ribbons of fire spew out in all directions from her. Her mouth rips open and she screams. The dry wood of the dead tree easily catches under the white hot flames. Some people from her tribe would think they heard her voice, but it was hard to be sure. Not that it would have explained anything, but if it hadn't been obscured by the rising sun, they could have looked east and seen the burning tree that she died under.
Roy
Joined: 28 Jan 2007
Posts: 1605
(Mon May 05, 2008 11:47 am)
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Post     Re: Sparta in Total Fucking Excitement

Poor broad.
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