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FTUW'S DEATH RACE 2007 (#20)

 
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Yogurtman
Odin
Joined: 03 Jan 2007
Posts: 2248
(Fri Feb 23, 2007 1:53 am)
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Post     FTUW'S DEATH RACE 2007 (#20)

The screen is black, the sound of a heartbeat crawling out the darkness and growing louder and increasing in pace until it's almost deafening. The repeated beeping of an EKG machine joins the heartbeat, the rhythm increasing as the heart pumps at fatal speeds. FROM OUT OF GODDAMNED NOWHERE, a guitar begins to squeal violently as the letters "F T U W" grow from a single white dot in the center of THE BLACKNESS. AS THE GUITAR REACHES ITS BREAKING POINT, THE LETTERS VIBRATE RETARDEDLY UNTIL THEY EXPLODE. The song is "Arcane Death Explosion" by Viscerape. The lead singer, Leitch, belts out a MONSTROUS GROAN in tune to footage of Ant King viciously raping Corey Nguyen.

#Graaaaaaaaaahh!!#

Handsomus R. Awesome and Theldorrin XIII trade titanic blows in the center of the ring. Sella Phayne slaps his chest, mouthing off while pointing his 9mm at the camera. A shot of the Jack Masterson getting impaled in the face with a SPEAR is followed by Puff Ryder FIRING OFF HIS EXTENDED BONG into Phayne's pick-up.

#COME-ON-COME-ON-COME-ON-COME-OOONNNRAAARGH!#

Baron Hoity von Toity DROPS AN ELBOW ONTO SAKETUMI'S SKULL. Masterson hurls a hatchet that flies into the mouth of the Minister of Beards, Guan Fei. Ooka Jooka flies HIGH ABOVE THE ARENA, his dick trailing behind him. Handsomus and Theldorrin clash CHARIOTS AT HIGH SPEEDS. Ant King SCREAMS and vomits up a SWARM OF HORNETS. Fancy Lala rolls around on the floor, shitting his pants, before the footage switches over to Kuroda plucking out Jonesie's eyeball with his toes.

#The RAAAAAPE! THE MURDAAAAAH! THE RAPE AND THE MURDDAAH MURDER RAAAPE!#

Steve Austin Stunners A FUCKING WAVE OF LAVA AS IT CRASHES DOWN! Saketumi and Jack Daniels HEADBUTT EACH OTHER OVER AND OVER, CAUSING THE GROUND AT THEIR FEET TO CRACK! Theldorrin XIV hovers above FUCK MOUNTAIN, wielding a massive MOLTEN BOULDER. Moloch Arschloch bites off Saito's fingers. Bin Destruction CRASHES DOWN FROM OUTER SPACE and collides into Puff Ryder's chest. Daniels hits both Theldorrin and Saketumi with bursts of flames!

#I CAN'T AH STOP THIS RAPING AND MURDAH-RING! YOU CAN'T STOP ALL THIS SUFFERING! GRAAAAARGH!!

Rakkyu Saketumi stands unconscious, dead, in his friends' arms, gripping the World Title belt tightly. A minigun BURSTS from ANT KING'S FUCKING ASS and STARTS FIRING ROUND AFTER ROUND as he feeds ammo down his goddamned throat. Charles Bronson emerges from a hardware store with chainsaws replacing his arms and legs.

#RAAAAAPE RAAAAAPE!!#

McHarris CLOTHESLINES THROUGH A FUCKING CAR. GUAN FEI AND THELDORRIN XIV FALL WHILE HUNDREDS OF FEET ABOVE GROUND, TRADING FISTS. HANDSOMUS R. AWESOME CRASHES A COMET INTO MADISON SQUARE GARDEN, BROUGHT BACK FROM THE DEAD. DANIELS, KENJIRO, HANDSOMUS, AND GUAN FEI ROCK THE FUCK OUT AND ERADICATE THELDORRIN OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH!

The music reaches it CRESCENDO as FUCK MOUNTAIN CRASHES INTO THE PACIFIC OCEAN, DESTROYING SOUTHEAST ASIA AND KILLING MILLIONS! The FUCKING FTUW logo BURSTS THROUGH A BRICK WALL, BLOOD and BONES and EYEBALLS spurting from the hole for some reason. The SCREEN FADES TO BLACK.

FTUW Entertainment 2007. All Rights Reserved.
Yogurtman
Odin
Joined: 03 Jan 2007
Posts: 2248
(Fri Feb 23, 2007 1:53 am)
Reply

Post     Re: FTUW'S DEATH RACE 2007 (#20)

"And what is the death count now, Mr. Prime Minister?"

"One billion plus is the optimistic estimate," the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom responds. The assembled party gasps in unison.

"Oh, Buddha ..." the Thailandian Prime Minister mutters under his breath, cradling his hands as he closes his eyes, mourning the incredible loss of life.

"Yes. One billion lives have been lost because of events directly or indirectly tied to the FTUW federation," the Secret Prime Minister of England, Archibald Orwellington responds from his podium, positioned in front of row after row world leaders. All the represenatives of the world governments wear white suits, sitting in white chairs in front of white desks. The Prime Minister adjusts his reading glasses and continues.

"The vast majority of deaths are tied directly to their recent 'King Shit of Fuck Planet' Pay-Per-View event wherein a metallic mountain shaped like a human penis entered Earth's atmosphere and plunged deep into the Pacific Ocean. Not only did a tsunami ravage Southeast Asia, devastating earthquakes ravaged cities around the globe."

"How can this have happened?! How could we let this ... this WRESTLING federation grow so out of control?!" the Prime Minister of Sweden slams his fists into his desk, tears pattering against the whitened wood.

"Well, let's see what the American President has to say about this, hm?" Archibald says before pressing a button on the podium. The wall opens up and George W. Bush is dragged in by armed guards. His hair is disheveled, his suit soiled with sweat and urine, stray splotches of blood on his collar.

"They brought you? Does America not take this matter seriously?" Archibald grits his teeth.

"I-I couldn't do anything! The FTUW ... they control the people! I-It's like a drug! FTUW followers invaded the government's ranks! There was nothing we could-" Bush's frantic cries are silenced by the sound of a revolver. His brains and bits of his skull splash out of the back of his head in an awesome fashion, the Secret Prime Minister of the United Kingdom clutching a smoking revolver in his hand.

"Does Secret President Rushmore refuse to come out of hiding and face the beast he helped create?!" Archibald puts away his revolver as the guards drag Bush's corpse away.

"What do we do, then?" the Prime Minister of Africa rises to his feet and shouts, "How can we stop the FTUW? More sanctions?"

"The time for sanctions is be ending!" the Prime Minister of Singapore screams, "Enough of this! They are 'Fuck the Universe' wrestling, are they not? If they want to destroy everything so much, then we have no choices but to destroy them!"

"Exactly. For these crimes against existence, the FTUW must be eradicated by any means necessary. It is the only way to achieve true peace!" the Secret Prime Minister slams a fist into his podium. The crowd responds with bloodlusty cheering.

"B-But how? How will we stop the FTUW?!" some leader from some country not worth mentioning.

"Let me introduce the man who brought us to this peace summit," the Secret Prime Minister turns behind him, gesturing towards the wall. The white-paneled wall slides open and a silhouetted figure steps out into the light.
Yogurtman
Odin
Joined: 03 Jan 2007
Posts: 2248
(Fri Feb 23, 2007 1:54 am)
Reply

Post     Re: FTUW'S DEATH RACE 2007 (#20)

The scene is the same, masses of raving, intoxicated fans screaming until their ears bleed and chanting the names of their favorite murderers. But this is taking place in no arena. Stands have been built on the city streets to accomodate the fans who paid the most while the rest beat the shit out of each other for a better view. People hang out of obliterated buildings that, well, the city got tired of fucking fixing after every goddamned Pay-Per-View.

A giant, spiked zeppelin hovers above the raping crowds. Inside is none other than Jim Ross and Warrior Warrior.

J.R.: Hello folks, this is good ol' J.R. and beside me, as always, is Warrior W. Warrior! The FTUW has an exciting and unique event tonight, one none other than anything like it before! The first ever transcontinental race that encourages violence! DEATH RACE 2007!

W.W.: That's right, Jim! 20 of our most super stars will be smashing and bashing their way across this beloved country of ours into that shitty, faggoty New Empire of the Damned riding in their own custom-built death machines! But before we get started, it is my honor to present Jim Ross with this golden horseshoe covered in golden four-leaf clovers for somehow surviving 20 consecutive Pay-Per-Views.

J.R.: I'm very touched. If it wasn't for you, the FTUW fans, I wouldn't have been able to cheat death for so long. Thank you.

W.W.: Him and Todd Lightning are the only two members of the FTUW staff who were eligible to recieve this award. However, Todd Lightning died in his sleep last night. Let's take a few moments to mourn his loss.

The image of Todd Lightning, the non-descript ring announcer we loved this past year and a half, smiles back at the bloodthirsty fans, some who are idly jerking off.

J.R.: That was touching.

W.W.: Indeed. It reminds me of the 30+ superstars who died at our events that are worth remembering. Not the stupid shits who died at like Friday Night Fuckfest. Fuck those guys.

J.R.: Right you are. However, I'm a little apprehensive about recieving this award. I still haven't survived this PPV.

W.W.: Jim, you worry too much! What's the worst that can happen?

J.R.: I could die. Specifically, murdered.

W.W.: You can't survive unless you die is what I always say. And speaking about DEATH, this is DEATH RACE 2007 folks! Let's introduce the racers!

20 vehicles lined side by side roll up to the starting lines as fans scream wildly. They vary in size and shape, one looking like a mere cadillac to another being a crystal horse. Some superstars play to the crowd as others make their final adjustments.

J.R.: 20 superstars! 20 vehicles! Over 3000 miles of blood, guts, and pavement to traverse! Let's meet our contestants.

W.W.: Our first is the current FTUW Champion, Guan Fei. This chinese asshole is looking to regain his title using what he calls Ultra African Dream, a robotic horse that spews SARS from its eyes and fires knives out of its neck and all sorts of other insane shit. Guan Fei boasts that it can reach a top speed of over 150 miles per hour! Plus, as he is the DEFENDING CHAMPION, he starts off with a 500 point bonus! That's going to be hard to beat.

Guan Fei strokes his mighty beard, eyeing The Ant King who sits in his Antmobile while fucking the shit out of some slut. Upon sight of his nemesis, pain shoots through the Ant Bite wound he suffered from the Ant King at Friday Night Fuckfest.

J.R.: Other next contestant is former American Champion and FTUW fan favorite, The Ant King! He tricked his way into this Pay-Per-View by disguising himself as the Beetle Kid and defeating Guan Fei! Tonight Ant King is looking to finally settle the score with Fei and become the FTUW Champion, using his trusty Antmobile, a modified military humvee with poisonous mandibles protruding from the grill! There's also a payload of weapons in the backseat that are enough to overthrow a government!

W.W.: Next up is Handsomus R. Awesome, one of the favorites to win it all tonight. Even if he doesn't succeed, he has the chance to earn a shot at the title if he beats Impious in a #1 contendership match. If he wins this match and the title, he will not have to defend for one PPV. Likewise with Impious. What's your thoughts, Jim?

J.R.: Handsomus will be riding a Space Stallion, an alien horse he procured from outer space as his guitar did not qualify as a land vehicle for this race. However, despite the beasts' impressive speed which can reach up to 200 miles per hour, there's another factor to this race.

W.W.: Ah, yes. The murdering of civilians for points!

J.R.: Handsomus has vowed not to harm the innocent unless, I guess, they are in the way of some super attack or something. He'll have to place 3rd or above in every checkpoint if he wants to win. While we're at it, Warrior, would you like to elaborate on the points system?

W.W.: Certainly.

The camera focuses on Warrior and a series of graphs and shit appear beside him.

W.W.: It took almost two years, but the U.S. government has finally wised up and decided to get on the winning side. As per our side of the bargain, we'll be helping murdering off the shit-stains of society and awarding points for our driver that will help decide who becomes the next FTUW champion! Here's the point totals:

Men - 10 points.

Women - 20 points. Pregnant women are worth 25 points. If you can somehow cause a miscarriage without killing the woman, you'll still manage the full 25.

Children - Under 12 is 30 points. Under one is 40. Between 12 and 18 is judged by men and women. America's food service industry would collapse, after all.

Elderly - Not divided up by gender. Those over 75 are worth a whopping 70 points. But our grand prize for this year is ...

Disabled - 100 points! And as always, points do NOT stack and highest point value will take priority.

Zombies - One point. Once our racers enter the New Empire of the Damned, they are bound to crash through tons of worthless zombies.

J.R.: Thanks Warrior! And crossing each checkpoint, out of THREE TOTAL, is worth 100 points, 1st place a bonus of 400 points, 2nd 300, and 3rd 200. Crossing the finish line nestled deep in the NEW EMPIRE of the DAMNED first will net you a massive 1000 points! Exciting stuff!

W.W.: The race is only minutes before beginning but Junior Bruce Jr., our official FTUW reporter, has scored an interview with none other than The Ant King. Take it away, Junior.

Some ridiculous looking guy with a polyester white west and pants, bright yellow dress shirt, massive orange sunglasses, and large pink sash draped over his neck clutching a microphone. Behind him Ant King is savagely fucking the shit out of a different whore while screaming.

Junior: Ant King! Ant King the legend, Ant King the indestructible! Former champion of the bloody Red, White and Blue! He's back now, ladies and gents, fired and rehired and ready to take revenge! What are your thoughts on today's rip-roarin' race?

"GRAAAAAAAAGGHHH!" ANT KING BELLOWS, ejaculating and sending the SLUT RIDING A ROCKET OF RADIOACTIVE WAD, splattering her against the wall and killing her instantly.

Junior: What virility! If only you waited a few more minutes, you would have netted 20 points!

"LISTEN UP, GUAAAN FEI! YOUR ASS IS MINE! I'M GONNA STICK MY EXO-COCK IN THAT EMPTY EYE SOCKET OF YOURS AND THUNDERFUCK YOUR BRAINS OUT! AND THEN I'M GONNA BE THE CHAMP AND SHIT ALL OVER EVERYBODY YAAAAAAA!!"

Junior: There you have it, boys and girls! Ant King will rape Guan Fei to death, become the new FTUW champion, and defecate all over everyone! Does he have enough courage in his hearts and shit in his intestines to accomplish the job? This reporter thinks so! Back to you, Warrior!

W.W.: You know, Jim, I think he's going to finally do it. I think this will be the day that Ant King becomes the FTUW Champion. Guan Fei's number is up!

J.R.: Well, I can't wait any longer and that's good, because the race is starting. Let's go to the starting line!

The Illusionist sits in his Sleigh(t) of Hand, a '87 Mitsubishi Mirage painted up like a tuxedo, nervously looking through his top hat.

"I d-don't know if I can handle this," the Illusionist wipes the sweat from his palms with a never-ending line of handkerchiefs, "These guys look serious! I-Is that a shark piloting that car?"

"There's one thing you're forgetting, Vic, and that's you're the underdog!" the Dilettante, his navigator, responds while pushing up his sunglasses at just the right angle so the light reflects off them, causing the lenses to glow.

"But still ... I even have a match today!"

"It was but a mere hobbit that defeated the forces of Sauron," the Dilettante tells him, "You can win this!"

"I think I'm going to be sick," the Illusionist retches into his top hats, vomit-soaked pigeons squawking and flying around the inside of the car.

"Sick, huh? Yesterday I went to see my doctor. I tell him 'Every morning when I get up and look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?'" Rodney Dangercar echoes throughout the tinny speakers of The Sleigh(t) of Hand, "He said, 'I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect.'"

Beside them is My Head Hurts, but no one knows since he's in a giant, black locker, standing upright on two wheels. Inside My Head Hurts sits with Playstation 2 controller in hand, watching his many video screens and plotting his course. The camera focuses in on his former rival, Arakaki Bunzo.

"Tseh ... this is really pissing me off," Bunzo leans forward on his motorcycle that is just a motorcycle and nothing cool at all, "I just got the AIDs virus sucked out of my brain! I can't believe I get no time off ..." He looks around at his competition, monsters driving demonic vehicles, and then hangs his head and sighs.

"This is real bad ... How can I run away when everyone is faster than me?!"

Puff Ryder, brought of retirement for this single race, sits in a car made entirely out of weed. It is as practical as it sounds.

"No one knows that I was recently diagnosed with lung cancer," Puff Ryder thinks to himself before coughing blood into his fist, "I have to win before I die. My body, stretched to its limits as much as my gimmick has been, will have to stay together just long enough for me to claim the FTUW Championship!"

John Baines McGuinness sits on George Washington's Crystal Horse, a crystal sidecar growing out of the side of the horse with the massive George Washington sitting cramped inside it.

"You have to do this, John Baines," George Washington says to his protege, "If you win this event, the Masons will consider letting you join them."

"That sounds kind of gay. I just want to kill the FTUW," he replies.

"Having the power of the Masonic Order is just another step in the FTUW's destruction. Then, America can thrive again."

"Your first title defense is today, are you nervous?" Gigi sits from her position in the Gothbuggy II.0's chairturret chairgun chair.

"That's not what I'm concerned about. Today I have the chance to do what no superstar has done before. Hold both titles at the same time!" Hard'Rok replies.

"Sounds pretty ambitious."

"Well, I got the New Empire of the Damned to line up thousands of zombies for me to kill," Hard'Rok smiles, "Now, all I have to do is make it there ..."

Impious, once a prick, rides in a car entirely made out of bones, a cannon attached on the back that fires skulls filled with napalm. Impious rubs the brand of the jobber and thinks about the future, a future that is thoroughly detailed in Seru's promo thread.

"Champion. Once I become the champion, I can finally rest," he says to no one in particular as Al Snow climbs out from under the car and puts Impious in a headlock. Impious continues his thought, ignoring the jobber. "Only 19 men stand in my way. Once I get my belt ... then I can ... then I can ..."

"ARSCHLOOOOOOOOOOCH!!" HE SHOUTS, SWINGING HIS ARMS BACK and COMICALLY sending AL SNOW flying out of the car.

"Suffering. Suffering. All I know is suffering," Robert McCoy's torso and head thinks to himself from within some a giant, mechanical bed that is apparently from some anime called Roujin Z. The giant mechanical bad doubles as a transportation device, all provided to Robert McCoy for three months' salary just so he can be forced to participate in this race he wants no part in. After having his entire family die, McCoy sees no point in living anymore. His life is an endless hell he can't escape from. He doesn't have the strength to kill himself.

"Suffering," McCoy thinks to himself, his face emotionless and his eyes distant, "Why do I have to suffer? Why do I have to go through these trials?"

He looks out over his opponents, and then over the raving fans that demand this violence week in and week out. This maddening culture that is destroying the world.

"They love it. They love my suffering," McCoy's expression grows serious, "Perhaps it's time they know suffering."

Handsomus R. Awesome calms the massive horse that stands above the other racers, three of its four bleeding eyes covered with eyepatches and its body lined with jagged scars from countless battles. This is a horse with experience, the kind of experience that would suit it well to this race. Handsomus remembers back to the thrilling adventure when he recieved the horse and all the incredible things that happened during that adventure and the important characters he killed.

But something isn't right. Handsomus' is still on his quest to once again become champion, proving to the world he's the strongest, but something nags him. There's an ominous energy in the air. The buckles on his belt ever-so-slightly rattle as the evil premonition chills his bones.

"What's going to happen today?" Handsomus looks up at the sun.

Then there's some other guys: Bin Destruction who is piloting a de-winged 747 with a 30 foot long boxcutter jutting out of the nose, "Red Hot" Rodney Austin in a pickup truck, Kaiser Fuckface (the grandfather robot of the Fuckface clan with a dildo coming out of his face) who is just going to run, Terry Bogard in a cadillac, the once again ressurected Bee Keeper whose skeleton resides in a hive carried by bees, Toronto Man Machine who is a guy made out of garbage cans and pieces of a moped and shit, Jonesie the Merciless in a tube filled with constantly moving water attached to a shark-themed car, and Grizzly Man who is standing on two bears that are deceptively fast.

And then there's a man in a shadow-drenched van. Inside the van, there sits a man in a black robe, only the bottom part of his face visible due to all the shadows. You can see some scars though.

"So 'his' plan is coming to fruition," the mystery man says, the man whose identity no one knows, not even the guys who hold his race registration forms since his handwriting is so illegible. "It's only a matter of time ..."

BARON HOITY VON TOITY appears on the video screen.

"FTUW fans worldwide, are you READY FOR SOME CARNAGE?"

Everyone screams, even the people watching at home by themselves. Warrior screams right in J.R.'s ear.

"Let's begin the first ever FTUW DEATH RACE!" HE SHOUTS as a shitload of fireworks shoot everywhere.

"We'll finish this, Ant King," GUAN FEI EYES HIS OPPONENT, "TODAY, THE WEAKER ONE OF US WILL DIE!"

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA MOTHER BITCHES!!" ANT KING SAYS WHILE SHOOTING INTO THE CROWD FOR NO REASON, automatically earning 50 points.

AND THEY'RE OFF!

1. Guan Fei: 500 points.
2. Ant King: 50 points.
3. Handsomus: 0 points.
4. Hard'Rok: 0 points.
5. John Baines: 0 points.
6. The Illusionist: 0 points.
7. Robert McCoy: 0 points.
8. Impious: 0 points.
9. My Head Hurts 90: 0 points.
10. Puff Ryder: 0 points.
11. Arakaki Bunzo: 0 points.
12. Jonesie the Merciless: 0 points.
13. Bin Destruction: 0 points.
14. Grizzly Man: 0 points.
15. Beekeeper: 0 points.
16. "Red Hot" Rodney Austin: 0 points.
17. Kaiser Fuckface: 0 points.
18. Terry Bogard: 0 points.
19. Toronto Man Machine: 0 points.
20. "That Man": 0 points.

The mystery man tips his hat, "And so it begins ..."

THE CARS (and animals of various species, both terrestrial and otherwise) TAKE THE FUCK OFF AND THE RACE STARTS!

Guan Fei, with Ultra African Dream already at full gallop, gets the early lead, as somehow cheap Chinese labor pays off. He stands straight up on the saddle, despite the fact that he's traveling at over 200 miles per hour and looks into the Ant King's crazed eyes.

"I can't give that lowly creature the chance to win my belt," Guan Fei says to no one in particular. "Have at you!" GUAN FEI LEAPS OFF OF HIS HORSE AND LANDS ON TOP OF THE ANTMOBILE. He pulls out Killing the Dragon and stabs through the roof, PIERCING THE ANT KING'S DICK!

"GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD DAMN! MY DICK!" THE ANT KING WILDLY THRASHES AT THE CONTROL PANEL IN FRONT OF HIM AND TWIN GATLING GUNS RISE OUT OF THE REAR OF THE ANTMOBILE. GUAN FEI SEES THIS AND JUMPS BACK ONTO ULTRA AFRICAN DREAM, BUT THE ANT KING FIRES ANYWAY, SENDING CANISTERS OF THE SECRET OOZE (courtesy of the Ninja Turtles) AT THE CROWD, MUTATING THEM INTO HORRIBLE MONSTERS.

WW: Hmm ... Do you think that counts as killing them?

J.R.: I've just received word that the secret ooze actually causes cancer, so unless someone else kills them before the end of the first stage of the race, the Ant King will get credit for their deaths.

WW: Great! I mean, oh, good. You see, I am being impartial. That was 12 men, 10 women and 15 children he mutated.

J.R.: I expect nothing less!

"Curses," Guan Fei says to no one in particular again, "I just helped the Ant King score points! My 500 point lead will mean nothing now!"

In the rear of the pack, the Toronto Man Machine, Kaiser Fuckface and Terry Bogard each try to out maneuver the other. Toronto Man Machine, inspired by Theldorrin's radical body modification into a super powered cyborg, transformed himself into a MAN MACHINE, but he only had like $600. He lifts his garbage can leg and fires a plunger that sticks onto the back of the SLEIGH(T) OF HAND, giving the Man Machine's moped a boost! He laughs at Terry Bogard as he passes him.

"Oh God, someone is trying to kill me," the Illusionist mumbles. He can't bring himself to look back.

"Listen to you, I get no respect. No respect at all," Rodney Dangercar responds. "Open the hatchback, there should be a lever to your left."

The Illusionist reaches down slowly, his moustache starting to run from his sweat. A few cards slide out of his sleeve. His hand starts shaking uncontrollably. Dilettante rolls her eyes and slaps the Illusionist's hand away and pulls the lever herself. The hatchback pops open, RIPPING THE TORONTO MAN MACHINE'S GARBAGE CAN LEG OFF.

"Oh my Goooooooooood!" the Man Machine yells as blood spews from his stump. His moped starts swerving out of control, mainly because one of his arms is a mop.

"Jesus, did you hear that?" the Illusionist asks and stomps on the brakes. The Toronto Man Machine crashes into the SLEIGH(T) and falls over. Meanwhile Kaiser Fuckface and Terry Bogard pass them up.

"Relax, Illusionist," Dilettante says, "If you stop now, you'll never win the race."

The Illusionist sighs. "Maybe I should give up. I was never cut out for the FTUW. I never even wanted to fight in the first place!"

"Just go."

The Illusionist hits the gas and starts to make up ground because those other two fags are slow. But he forgets his hatchback is open, and hundreds of sheets of flash paper slide out. The Man Machine looks up through the cracked magnifying glass in front of his right eye in time to let out a gasp.

"N-n-noooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"

THE FLASH PAPER IGNITES AND THE MAN MACHINE EXPLODES.

J.R.: Bah gawd! The Illusionist gets the first kill of a fellow racer!

WW: However, as awesome as seeing that NON-AMERICAN FAGGOT die was, he's only worth the regular amount of points for killing a man.

In the middle of the pack, John Baines looks on the mutants with pity. "Mr. Washington, you should just use your nuclear powers to kill the FTUW now."

"No, I cannot kill them. This is a fair contest."

"But look at what the Ant King did!"

"I will take care of it, John." AND GEORGE WASHINGTON USES HIS LASER EYES TO KILL ALL OF THE MUTANTS.

WW: What a goddamned fine American that George Washington is. HE'S WHAT THIS FUCKING COUNTRY IS ABOUT, LIBERAL AMERICA.

J.R.: Oklahoma!

Handsomus rides his Space Stallion really fast! But the mysterious stranger pulls his van up next to the Space Valhallian Cowboy and rolls down his window. "Handsomus," he says, "this foul road is filled with terrible secrets and danger abounds."

Handsomus looks over at the stranger and his eyebrow raises JUST BEFORE HE FUCKING SMACKS INTO A LOCKER THAT POPPED OUT OF THE GROUND.

"He made me destroy Japan," MHH says through his tears, "and for that he will pay."

Handsomus gets back to his feet and dusts his chaps and belts off, staring down the two wheeled locker that speeds toward him. He slowly lifts one hand up to chest level and waits for My Head Hurts 90. He can still taste that asshole's cock in his mouth.

"COME ON, MOTHERFUCKER, LET'S DO THIS SHIT!" MHH SCREAMS.

WHEN MHH COMES WITHIN A FOOT OF THE SPACE VALHALLIAN, HANDSOMUS PULLS HIS GUITAR OFF OF HIS BACK AND BATS THE FUCKING LOCKER INTO A NURSING HOME, KILLING 10 ELDERLY PEOPLE AND TWO FEMALE NURSES.

Handsomus frowns as he feels the lifeforces snuffed out. "I didn't want to hurt anyone. My God, what is this race doing to me?"

Back in the nursing home, MHH emerges gingerly from the inside of his locker. He wipes the blood from his mouth and looks around at the carnage. A nurse walks up to him and asks if he's alright.

"What's this ..." MHH says. Slanted eyes? Rosary beads? His dick inflates.

The mysterious stranger had stopped his van to watch the battle. "Interesting," he mutters and then his van is consumed in a cloud of black smoke, which is actually just from his shitty exhaust, but it looks very dramatic.

Handsomus sees this and wonders ... who is that man in black? Letting the thought pass, he leaps back on his cosmic steed.

J.R.: How about that!

WW: I must admit, I'm intrigued, but I'm sure I'll soon lose interest.

Puff Ryder watches Handsomus catch up in his rearview mirror. He takes a puff off of his blunt and thinks about the painful chemotherapy he has been enduring. The dreadlocks on his head are actually a wig made out of hemp. As he flicks the ashes off of the blunt into the ashtray, he coughs. "I have to win this race, even if it kills me. For my mom and dad. I have to unleash the full power of weed."

He grips the steering wheel tightly and smoke starts to wisp and swirl around his body. Everyone within 420 miles smoking weed at that exact second die from their lungs exploding.

OVER AT THE CHAIRMOBILE, MADE ENTIRELY OF CHAIRS, Hard'Rok and Gigi are arguing about whether or not they should kill the spectators.

"Rokky, you can't!"

"Why not? Everyone else is doing it?"

"That's not a good reason!"

"Isn't that why you became goth?"

"Okay, you can kill people, but only if they're worth a lot of points."

"..."

"What is it, Rokky?"

"Raven would have been worth a lot of points ... if he were still alive."

Hard'Rok and Gigi each shed a single black tear, tinted by the dark mascara that surrounds their eyes. Hard'Rok wipes it away and fires a chair at a kid in a wheelchair.

"That one was for you, Raven."

MEANWHILE, Bin Destruction smashes his 747 into a school, killing hundreds of children. He feasts on their blood instead of racing.

FUCKING MEANWHILE, Robert McCoy's mechanical hospital bed sits at the starting line. "It doesn't matter what I do, I should just give up," he tells himself. "It's time I just face the facts, I never had a chance. I couldn't make anyone suffer if I tried, unless I was trying to make myself suffer and even then I might blow it."

"THAT'S NOT TRUE! YOU WERE MY HERO!"

"T-Thomas ... ?"

THE MECHANICAL HOSPITAL BED SUDDENLY SPEEDS OFF INTO THE HORIZON.

STILL AT THE FRONT OF THE PACK, GUAN FEI AND THE ANT KING ARE TRYING TO KILL FANS BEFORE THE OTHER CAN GET TO THEM. Despite Guan Fei's best efforts, everyone seems to be running toward the Antmobile to be murdered instead!

"These peasants should be honored to be murdered by the Emperor of China! What foolish impudence!" Guan Fei brushes aside African Dream's synthetic mane and a control panel becomes visible. He pushes a button and African Dream's ass opens up, and a rack of assault rifles rise out. K'unt-smak puts the staff of Killing the Dragon on all of the triggers at once AND SHOOTS THE FUCK OUT OF EVERYONE TRYING TO BE KILLED BY THE ANT KING.

WW: No! Nooooooooooooo! That son of a bitch, yellow chink Guan Fei! I'd let the Ant King kill me since I'm worth, like, a jillion points, but then the REAL AMERICAN FANS wouldn't have a non-p/c, non-liberal announcer after J.R. dies.

J.R.: What?

WW: I didn't say anything.

J.R.: Slobberknocker!

Impious yells ARSCHLOCH as jobbers run up to his car, trying to pin him. His brand bleeds profusely as he strangles Psicosis with his bare hand. Of course, this causes him to lose control and the Bee Keeper rear ends him into a ditch, where the jobbers continue to pile on as the camera fades to black.

Then it fades back in as the Bee Keeper stands atop his hive, watching his bees spread, stinging people to death. He laughs maniacally as the camera fades to black again.

Toward the rear, Terry Bogard and Kaiser Fuckface clash, the Kaiser's metal hide shoots sparks as it hits Terry's Cadillac repeatedly. Terry does a power wave out the passenger side, knocking the Fuckface away, when he hears a blood-curdling scream coming from behind. He looks back in time to see a 1987 Mitsubishi Mirage speed by, between the space he just cleared between himself and Kaiser Fuckface.

"OH GOD, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? GOD, PLEASE DON'T LET ME DIE!" THE ILLUSIONIST SCREAMS AS HIS EYES NEARLY BULGE OUT OF THEIR SOCKETS. HIS TOP HAT FLUTTERS AROUND ON HIS HEAD AS THE DOVES INSIDE SENSE THEIR MASTER'S FEAR.

"So I say, I didn't even know I could go this fast," Rodney Dangercar explains, "That's when my wife said she did."

Terry doesn't know what to make of that, until he hears giant steps crushing the street behind him.

"Thomas, please," Robert McCoy mumbles, "you have to stop this madness."

"But, dad," the machine responds, "I can't let you lose."

"This isn't right! God, Thomas, this isn't right." McCoy starts sobbing, but the machine just ignores him.

THE HOSPITAL BED LEAPS INTO THE AIR AND KICKS KAISER FUCKFACE'S FUCKFACE OFF. Terry Bogard watches the robot explode and hits the gas. As he clears some space he looks back and decides he has to stop this rampage. I don't know why, just go with it.

"AH YOU OH KAY?"

"God, no!" McCoy yells.

"BUSTA VWOLF!"

TERRY JUMPS THROUGH THE REAR WINDSHIELD AND PUNCHES THE MECHANICAL HOSPITAL BED, AS ENERGY CRACKLES AROUND THEM. THE MACHINE STARTS TO FALL BACKWARD, BUT THEN STOPS. TERRY FEELS IT. HIS FIST EXPLODES!

J.R.: BAH GAWD!

WW: As far as insane acts of violence go in the FTUW, that was pretty weak, Jim.

J.R.: I think I only said it once before this, though, so ...

THE STUMP OF TERRY'S WRIST HITS THE BED, AND UPON IMPACT, IT FUCKING EXPLODES, TOO. THIS KEEPS REPEATING UNTIL IT'S DOWN TO TERRY'S SHOULDER AND THEN HE JUST FALLS LIMPLY OFF OF THE BED, HITTING THE CONCRETE HARD.

WW: Okay, that's a reasonable "bah gawd" moment.

J.R.: Bah gawd!

Terry rolls over and watches McCoy's vehicle run off. "Ah ... you ... oh ... kay?" Terry's eyes close and he dies.

THE ANT KING AND GUAN FEI ARE CLOSING IN ON THE FINISH LINE. Both African Dream and the Antmobile are coated in blood. Guan Fei pants, exhausted, while the Ant King reclines and uses his cock to steer.

"Fool," Guan Fei says between gasps for air, "You've allowed me victory through your lazy driving methods."

Guan Fei looks ahead and sees an obelisk ahead and squints his eyes even more than normal. A door opens up and a guy who might be black or white, no one is really sure, steps out, holding a woman under his arm. She had been fucked so hard that her body was split, from cunt to sternum. He drops the body and closes the door.

"By Cao Cao's evil beard!"

MHH got first place!

Second place: Guan Fei

Third place: Ant King

Standings After Stage One:
1. Bin Destruction: 7500 points.
2. Ant King: 2280 points.
3. Guan Fei: 1950 points.
4. John Baines: 770 points.
5. Handsomus: 740 points.
6. My Head Hurts 90: 420 points.
7. Puff Ryder: 420 points.
8. Beekeeper: 300 points.
9. Impious: 150 points.
10. Hard'Rok: 100 points.
11. Jonesie the Merciless: 50 points.
12. Grizzly Man: 20 points.
13. The Illusionist: 10 points.
14. Robert McCoy: 10 points.
15. "Red Hot" Rodney Austin: 0 points.
16. Arakaki Bunzo: 0 points.
17. "That Man": 0 points.
18. Terry Bogard: D/Q
19. Kaiser Fuckface: D/Q
20. Toronto Man Machine: D/Q
Yogurtman
Odin
Joined: 03 Jan 2007
Posts: 2248
(Fri Feb 23, 2007 1:55 am)
Reply

Post     Re: FTUW'S DEATH RACE 2007 (#20)

CHECKPOINT #1: THE GRIZZLY MAN AND THE ILLUSIONIST VS. ARAKAKI BUNZO AND ROBERT MCCOY

The wrestlers who matter are all relaxing and enjoying their break. Guan Fei is getting a massage from a tower of Chinese girls standing on each other’s shoulders, with the one on the bottom wearing shoes with retardedly large spikes. Handsomus is recharging his crystals or listening to 80’s rock or something, I don’t know. Hard’rok is lounging and thumbing through a leather bound copy of the Berserk manga. Whoever is Misfitman’s current character is getting an enema from a Nazi surgeon who wears a gas mask. Some are taking their minds off the race; others are trying to pump themselves up.

WW: Next up is a tag match pitting Bunzo Arakaki and Robert McCoy on a team against The Illusionist and Grizzly Man.

JR: To those four, it’s the fight of a lifetime, but to the other wrestlers it’s a chance to rest their bodies before the next leg of the race.

WW: And to everyone else it’s a bathroom break.

Todd Lightning: To save time, all four contestants will be introduced together. In no particular order, Grizzly Man, The Illusionist, Robert McCoy, and Bunzo Arakaki!

Three of them show up, but Robert McCoy is nowhere to be found.

WW: Where is that chicken shit? Can’t he take the heat?

We see McCoy, lying face up in a dark place.

McCoy: Oh god, oh god … I can’t fight … something bad might happen … I’m sorry, I’m just scared, I’m so sorry …

WW: What a pussy.

The bell rings. Bunzo Arakaki looks around comically and is obviously terrified. The Illusionist jumps into the ring first.

JR: Looks like Arakaki has his work cut out for him!

Illusionist: I’ll end this right away! MAGICIAN’S RED!

The Illusionist extends his hands and shoots flames … straight into his face! The sprayer under his shirtsleeve backfired. He stops, drops, and rolls around to put out the flames. Arakaki runs away from the flaming gaijin, but by rolling, the Illusionist accidentally chases him. The scene is most humourous.

The Illusionist finally puts himself out and stands up.

Illusionist: Well played … all right then, taste my newest illusion! The blade of the guillotine!

There is a poof and a cloud of smoke, but nothing happens. The Illusionist looks up just in time to leap out of the way of his falling blade! It slams into the ring so hard that it collapses inward. The blade falls straight through and impacts the concrete floor.

WW: By god!

Grizzly Man grabs Arakaki by the neck and throws him out of the ring. Bunzo lands on the ground and looks at the ring … and spots something!

Arakaki: Ch … chi?

JR: Tea?

There’s blood on the ground!

The Illusionist, still in the ring, sees the look in Arakaki’s eyes and looks down. He peels back the canvas of the ring and sees what’s underneath.

WW: Holy shit …

JR: McCoy!

Robert McCoy was hiding under the ring and has been decapitated by the blade! Without wasting a second, the Illusionist pins his shoulders as McCoy’s head blinks on the other side of the blade.

JR: McCoy’s not the legal man, but who cares!

The ref drops to make the count, but Bunzo tries to climb into the ring to stop it! However, Griz appears behind him and puts him in an ursine sleeper hold!

One!

Two!

Three!

Grizzly Man breaks Bunzo Arakaki’s neck! He slumps to the ground! The bell sounds the end of the match!

JR: Robert McCoy and Bunzo Arakaki may not have much, but in their hour of greatest suffering, at least they have each other.

McCoy and Arakaki are rushed backstage on stretchers.

JR: We’ll have to wait a bit before checking back in on them, so we have time for an editorial piece. Warrior?

WW: Faggots suck complete shit.

JR: Let’s check in on them now.

Bunzo Arakaki has been fitted with a huge metal device which stabilizes his head, and has been cleared to race despite being in imminent danger of full body paralysis. Robert McCoy is not so lucky.

McCoy: What happened …

Nearby voice: God damn it …

McCoy looks over to see someone lying next to him. It can’t be …

Rod: You owe me, McCoy.

JR: Robert McCoy’s head …

WW: Grafted onto his ex-wife’s widower’s shoulder!

Robert McCoy now shares a body with the man who hates him most of all! His nightmare is unending!

Rod: First you get my wife and son murdered, and now I have to sit in for your bastard Death Race, right? Fucking unbelievable.

McCoy’s eyes betray an incredible sadness.

JR: Oy vey!
Yogurtman
Odin
Joined: 03 Jan 2007
Posts: 2248
(Fri Feb 23, 2007 1:55 am)
Reply

Post     Re: FTUW'S DEATH RACE 2007 (#20)

J.R.: And we’re back to the race! After a quick reprieve, our superstars are ready and roarin’ to go! We have three disqualifications as the result of three deaths with the rest of our racers making it to the checkpoint in time to avoid disqualification. Remember folks, you can have all the points in the world, but if you don’t make it to checkpoint before the next stage starts you’ll be ELIMINATED. With that being said, Bin Destruction has taken a MASSIVE LEAD after driving his 747 into a school and feasting on all the children inside! How horrific! Also, McCoy was decapitated.

W.W.: Let’s pray to the Lord Jesus Christ that Ant King anally rapes him with an AK-47 and sends him to the gayest part of Hell.

J.R.: You bring up an excellent point, Warrior. If Bin Destruction cannot die, the only way the other superstars can stop him is by preventing him from crossing the finish line!

W.W.: Fuck that queer.

J.R.: And Guan Fei’s 500 point lead has been completely abolished. And Handsomus, who vowed to not kill any innocents during this match, has already broken that promise by knocking MHH’s Jizzmobile into a nursing home!

W.W.: Fuck that faggot, too.

J.R.: What’s wrong, Warrior? Usually your homophobic remarks are a bit more long-winded!

W.W.: ARE YOU SUGGESTING I’M AFRAID OF QUEERS, JIM? Look, I’m sorry, it’s just I haven’t had my usual breakfast of three steaks smeared with egg whites and low-fat peanut butter and … THAT FUCKING BIN DESTRUCTION. If he wins this … IF HE … FUCK FUCK.

J.R.: Listen Warrior. He’s Bin Destruction. He never wins anything.

W.W.: Y-You’re right. Let’s just get back to the race! There’s a lot more destruction ahead of us as we have 3 more stages left!

THE RACERS ARE TOGETHER AGAIN, except whoever got eliminated which I’ve already forgotten since it’s been like a goddamned month since we worked on this. Handsomus strokes the neon mane of the space stallion that he stole and made a daring escape from Arthuria which will never be told and Guan Fei is taking a screwdriver and tightening random bolts on his robotic horse. The start of the race is signaled when a member of the FTUW staff fires a rocket into a passing 747.

J.R.: AND THEY’RE OFF! They’ve got a good ways to go until they reach the second checkpoint, Chicago, Illinois!

THE SUPERSTARS EXPLODE OUT OF THE STARTING LINE, breaking up the pavement and kicking rocks into fan’s faces, perforating their skulls. The FTUW staff rewinds the footage and meticulously freezes it to determine what hunks of concrete released by which superstars killed which fans.

Immediately, ANT KING whips the ANTMOBILE to the left while firing his pistol in random directions and scraping with other vehicles. He reaches into his PILES OF NAPALM GRENADES and starts tossing them into the street. ANT KING HURLS ONE AT PUFF RYDER and PUFF RYDER DESPERATELY ROLLS UP HIS WEED WINDOW but since it’s made out of weed it just passes through. Luckily, Puff Ryder ties some weed around the handle so it doesn’t explode and keeps it for later. Maybe it will play a role later in the match … ?

Simultaneously, Handsomus leaps his space stallion onto Rodney Austin’s pick-up truck, the FORCE crumpling the HOOD and sending it into the airborne! As Ant King crashes through the floating cocoon of the Beekeeper, splattering numerous bees on his windshield and getting the Beekeeper’s skeleton stuck under the bumper!

W.W.: Shit! Handsomus and Ant King may have eliminated two of the racers already!

The two COME COLLIDING TOGETHER with GUAN FEI STUCK IN THE MIDDLE! Both men want to take out the champ right here and now!

“GUAN FEI!” Handsomus and Ant King scream simultaneously, hurling VICIOUS CLOTHESLINES. Guan Fei slams his FISTS into the back of his horse, sending him SPIRALING INTO THE AIR from the FORCE and dodging the attacks. Guan Fei lands on his speeding horse, strokes his beard, and shouts “Come on!”

J.R.: The champion accepts their challenge!

As Ant King and Handsomus execute complicated combos on their enemy, Guan Fei stands atop his majestic steed blocking with every part of his body, redirecting their power with his MASTERY OF KUNG-FU. Rodney Austin’s truck, that was sent airborne from Handsomus’ space stallion stomping on it, CRASHES in front of our three superstars. Both Guan Fei and Handsomus’ horses LEAP OVER the flaming wreckage while Ant King just drives through the flaming wreckage while slapping his bony dick against the dashboard to the beat of the Mortal Kombat theme. When Ant King crashes through “Red Hot” Rodney Austin’s pickup truck, he is FLUNG from the vehicle and onto HARD’ROK’S Gothbuggy v. II.0!

In frustration, Ant King whips his vehicle AWAY from GUAN FEI and keeps the steering wheel steady with his foot as he reaches into the back. Pulling out a flamethrower, he UNLEASHES a BURST OF FLAME.

J.R.: Ant King, although an accomplished hand-to-hand fighter, his greatest skill is with incredibly deadly weapons! Like guns!

Although the heat doesn’t affect Fei’s robotic steed, Fei is forced to GRAB THE REINS and hang from the side to avoid the FIRE. As Guan Fei is dangling from the side, HANDSOMUS drives a MEATY HOOK into Fei’s ribcage!

“GWORF!” FEI vomits on the UNDERSIDE of metal horse as his FEET DROP and he begins to be DRAGGED BY MECHA-AFRICAN DREAM.

W.W.: SHITTING SHIT. We may see the champ eliminated in the 2nd stage of the race!

J.R.: That’s obviously not going to happen.

MEANWHILE, Bin Destruction continues his non-stop taxiing behind the entire pack of racers as John Baines finds himself in the MAW of one of the two GRIZZLY BEARS that GRIZZLY MAN has strapped to his FEET. As a VICIOUS BEAR BITE into BAINES’ SHOULDER YANKS him off his CRYSTAL HORSE, Baines SLAMS HIS BOOTS into the BEAR’S NECK and attempts to pry himself free.

”Damnit, George, give me a hand here! Use your, uh, radiation or something!” Baines GRIMACES as BLOOD SQUIRTS FROM HIS WOUND.

“John Baines, if you want to destroy the FTUW, you can’t let one bear stop you. James Brock McHarris had the intestinal fortitude to eat entire bears for breakfast. And the brutal lack of compassion to eat the bear in front of her cubs,” Washington says stoically while sitting in the crystal sidecar attached to his crystal horse.

“Sh-Shit …” Baines mutters to himself, “I have a long way to go.”

“That was one of his favorite activities although zoologists argued that the cubs didn’t understand the animosity and subjugation towards them implicit in that act of devouring their mother. Those zoologists … became his lunch.”

“Fuck,” Baines says, SNAPPING THE BEAR’S JAW OPEN and BENDING IT BACKWARDS. He YANKS out the BEAR’S TONGUE and STRANGLES THE OTHER BEAR WITH IT, sending GRIZZLY MAN CRASHING INTO THE GROUND. Both Baines and Grizzly Man hit the pavement at 80 miles per hour hour, ROLLING ALONG ON THE CONCRETE, as the rest of the superstars vanish into the horizon. George Washington stops the crystal horse as Baines and Grizzly Man SQUARE OFF.

AT THE FRONT OF THE RACERS, Handsomus YANKS OFF STARSTRUCK and PREPARES TO DECAPITATE GUAN FEI as he’s being DRAGGED at over 100 MILES PER HOUR. As STARSTRUCK IS SWUNG, the camera TURNS WHITE for no reason as METAL CLANGS. Handsomus’ eyes slightly widen BEHIND HIS BADASS AVIATORS as GUAN FEI produces A SWORD SEEMINGLY FROM NOWHERE!

J.R.: Guan Fei is lookin’ to have a duel while hanging from Mecha-African Dream!

“No matter,” Handsomus says with his unflinching facial expression, “I’ll just destroy it!” And just as he says, THE MIGHT OF STARSTRUCK explodes the CHINESE SWORD into DOZENS of METAL FRAGMENTS that randomly kill civilians in which the FTUW judges share the kill points with both superstars. As HANDSOMUS swings again for the KILLING BLOW, another CHINESE SWORD BLOCKS THE GOD-TAR!

“What?!” Handsomus mutters as the SWORD EXPLODES UPON IMPACT. He SWINGS AGAIN AND ANOTHER CHINESE SWORD MEETS HIS BLADE.

“EAT MY ASSSSS SHIIIT THUNDER PUSSY!” ANT KING SCREAMS, FIRING A BAZOOKA FILLED WITH NAPALM-SOAKED ANTS. AS THE ANTS CLOSE IN ON GUAN FEI, HE PRODUCES SOME CHINESE SHIELD OR SOMETHING OUT OF NOWHERE! The ANTS explode into FLAMES AGAINST THE METAL, NOT HARMING GUAN FEI WHATSOEVER!

J.R.: Bah Gawd! Where is GUAN FEI getting these weapons?!

“Gah hah hah!” GUAN FEI STROKES THE OIL-COLORED FOLLICLES OF HIS MEGABEARD, “You want to kill me? YOU WANT TO SLAY GUAN FEI? HAH! You fell into my trap, fools! After tonight, Guan Fei will never defend his title again! That’s because I’M GOING TO KILL EVERY FTUW SUPERSTAR TONIGHT and I have EVERY WEAPON IN CHINA TO DO SO!”

W.W.: Every weapon … IN CHINA?

AS FEI FINISHES HIS SPEECH, HOLES OPEN ALL AROUND MECHA-AFRICAN DREAM and DOZENS OF SPEAR EJECT FROM THE HOLES! LIKE A MYSTICAL PORCUPINE HORSE, THE SPEARS PENETRATE HANDSOMUS AND ANT KING VICIOUSLY, SENDING THE HEROES CRASHING ON THE SIDES OF THE ROAD. GUAN FEI SWINGS ONTO THE TOP OF HIS HORSE AND RIDES PROUDLY.

The SUPERSTARS take their alternate paths and TIME PASSES because this a long fucking trip. The commentators make random predictions while commercials for FTUW: RAW INTENSITY 2: FUCKAGEDDON. When the murder is at its lowest, they play a debate with a politician on whether FTUW qualifies as snuff films until Warrior Warrior savagely shits a meaty dump with femurs sticking out of it down his throat. As time continues to PASS, Puff Ryder looks in his weed-composed rearview mirror to see a SWARM OF BEES APPROACHING HIM QUICKLY FROM BEHIND.

“You little shit,” the Beekeeper mutters in BUZZES through the COLONY TELEPATHY of HIS HIVE, “I can still feel the pain my ACID-BLEACHED BONES. I will murder every last one of you fools who let my sacrifice mean nothing!”

W.W.: Why the cock are we watching these two douchebags, Jim?

J.R.: Something tells me something is going to happen.

AS THE HIVE (of bees) carrying Beekeeper’s skeleton approaches, BEES begin to poke through the WEED WINDOWS of the WEEDMOBILE. As Puff Ryder starts to sweat as crazy sound effects thump over his head, HE TURNS AROUND and fires HIS OMNI-BONG at the BEEKEEPER!

J.R.: The OMNI-BONG!

W.W.: Yeah, we see that.

The BONG EXTENDS HARDER AND FASTER as BEES PILE UP TO ABSORB THE BLOW AND PROTECT THEIR MASTER. As the BONG CRUSHES BEE AFTER BEE, IT POKES THROUGH THE HIVE AND STOPS JUST SHORT OF BEEKEEPER’S SKULL. As the Beekeeper’s inanimate skeleton sighs a sigh of relief, SMOKE FIRES OUT OF THE BONG. THE SMOKE TAKES THE FORM OF NONE OTHER THAN PUFF RYDER!

W.W.: Whoa.

His SMOKEY FORM begins to HURL RAPID-FIRE PUNCHES AT THE BEES. Having no MASS, they do no damage, but the SMOKE CAUSES THE BEES to BECOME PASSIVE and the HIVE (MADE FROM BEES) begins to CRUMBLE!

J.R.: The bees … THEY’RE SPREADING!

W.W.: That’s right, J.R.! With the smoke clogging the bees’ pheromone receptors, they can’t receive their masters’ commands!

PUFF RYDER’S SMOKEY FORM SMIRKS as he slowly hovers back to the speeding weed car. He reverts to his human form after RELEASING HIS HELD BREATH and smiles a SMILE OF VICTORY as the HIVE CRUMBLES COMPLETELY. The Beekeeper’s SKELETON FALLS TO THE GROUND AND EXPLODES … INTO A SWARM OF BEES.

“WHAT?!” PUFF RYDER GASPS!

J.R.: THE BEEKEEPER IS MADE ENTIRELY OUT OF BEES?

W.W.: NO! IT WAS A TRICK!

As Puff Ryder stands there SHOCKED, bees NESTLED WITHIN THE WEED CAR begin to CLIMB ON TOP EACH OTHER and CREATE A HUMAN FIGURE. Somewhere, off in the distance, a man sits in a dark cave covered in bloody bandages. Loose, burnt skin and bleached bones peak through the dirty bandages as the figure brings a tiny bee hive to his deformed ear.

“I can’t lose this race, heh heh. My bees will just keep reforming and reforming until I cross the finish line and become champion!” the man says, “It’s you, Puff Ryder, with your smoke powers that stand the best chance of defeating me! That’s why I’ll finish you off here!”

THE FIGURE RAISES UP HIS ARMS AND PUFF RYDER TURNS AROUND. BEFORE PUFF RYDER CAN SHIT HIS PANTS, THE BEEKEEPER’S REMOTE CONTROLLED BEE FORM SQUIRTS JETS OF HONEY RIGHT IN PUFF RYDER’S MOTHERFUCKING FACE! PUFF RYDER GRABS HIS THROAT AS THE HONEY IS FORCED DOWN HIS THROAT!

W.W.: He’s going to kill him with diabetes! Incredible!

J.R.: No, Warrior! I think the Beekeeper’s plan is a little more sinister!

PUFF RYDER DROPS TO HIS KNEES and CLUTCHES HIS HONEY-FILLED GULLET. He shakes and his eyes bulge as the STICKY HONEY CHOKES THE LIFE OUT OF HIM.

W.W.: Why won’t he just turn to- OH!

J.R.: THAT’S RIGHT! THE HONEY HAS BLOCKED HIS AIRFLOW! If Puff Ryder can’t hold his breath, he can’t transform into smoke!

The Beekeeper’s remote bee warrior PRODUCES a SWORD OF BEES and lays it at Puff Ryder’s neck.

“Without your smoke form, you’re just another useless human!” THE BEEKEEPER somehow makes his BEE MAN SAY.

THE SOUND OF CUTTING REVERBERATES as the SCREEN GOES WHITE. Then BLOOD SPRAYS over the WHITENESS. The camera pans out and Puff Ryder’s head soars into the air.

J.R.: BAH GAWD! THE BEEKEEPER KILLED PUFF RYDER! He actually killed someone! BAH GAWD!

MEANWHILE, Rodney Austin and Hard’Rok have been staring at each other for the past hour as Austin has been stranded on Hard’Rok’s Gothbuggy.

“Rokky, why don’t you just kill him and get it over with it?” Gigi says from behind the wheel. Hard’Rok bolts his head towards her while standing on the hood.

“Don’t you know who this is?! Look at him! That gleaming skull. That furious BROWNISH-RED GOATEE. That black leather vest clinging to his saggy frame!” Hard’Rok says with a grave seriousness in his voice, “Those jean shorts. Don’t you know who this man is?!”

“Who?”

”Stone Cold Steve Austin …”

“Whoa!”

“That’s right. I can’t just attack him without a plan. If I were to do that, I would surely die 100 times before I even knew I was dead,” Hard’Rok says as “Red Hot” Rodney Austin sort of stands there, “I was afraid this day might happen … so I developed a new technique!”

“Another new technique!”

”My strongest technique yet!” Hard’Rok slips into a fighting stance, “We have to finish this quickly! With each mile we’re getting closer to Texas and with each mile his power level grows exponentially.”

”Why don’t you just shoot the big chair cannon we have strapped to this?”

“Chairs! This is no time for jokes! Chairs have no effect on Steve Austin. They just make him ANGRIER, just like when you hit a rattlesnake with a chair.”

“Red Hot” continues to stare at Hard’Rok who is sweating an incredible amount.

“ALRIGHT THEN! CHAIRSHOT LEVEL 87: THE STONE COLD STUNNER!” HARD’ROK SCREAMS AS HE FUCKING CHARGES FORWARD.

J.R.: THE STONE COLD STUNNER?! IMPOSSIBLE!

W.W.: ONLY STEVE AUSTIN CAN EXECUTE THAT TECHNIQUE! AT BEST HE’LL ACCOMPLISH A DIAMOND CUTTER!

“GOOOOOO!” HARD’ROK SCREAMS AT HIS FOOT as STEAM EJECTS FROM THE HEEL. HARD’ROK’S FOOT BURIES ITSELF INTO THE GUT OF “RED HOT” RODNEY AUSTIN’S ABS and CAUSES HIM TO BUCKLE OVER.

“YEAAAAAAAH!!” ROK SPINS AROUND AND GRABS THE SKULL OF AUSTIN AND DROPS HIS ASS ON THE HOOD OF THE CAR UNTIL IT VICIOUSLY SNAPS AUSTIN’S NECK! AUSTIN IS SPRAWLED OUT ON THE HOOD OF THE VEHICLE, GODDAMNED DEAD.

J.R.: BAH GAWD! THE STUNNAH! THE STUNNAH!

W.W.: HE DID IT! I CAN’T BELIEVE IT!

“ROKKY! YOUR LEG!” GIGI SCREAMS. HARD’ROK looks down to SEE HIS LEG TWISTED COMPLETELY BACKWARDS. HE FALLS BACKWARD CLUTCHING HIS LEG.

“Kck! I knew there was a price using such a powerful technique! Gigi, you’re going to have to drive the rest of the way,” Hard’Rok mutters, “But at least I’ve defeated that horrible beast, Stone Cold Steve Austin.”

AND WITH THOSE WORDS, RODNEY AUSTIN RISES UP, PRODUCING AN IMPOSSIBLY HUGE SHADOW THAT COVERS HARD’ROK. HE CRACKS HIS NECK AND HIS SNEER GLOWS THROUGH THE SHADOW THAT SOMEHOW JUST COVERED HIM.

“It … it can’t be …” Hard’Rok says.

J.R.: That’s “RED HOT” RODNEY AUSTIN, HARD’ROK! He’s the only man IMMUNE TO THE STONE COLD STUNNER!

W.W.: You should have read his bio, dick!

EVEN MORE MEANWHILE, THE GRIZZLY MAN, surrounded by his two DEAD BEAR COMPANIONS, faces off with JOHN BAINES MCGUINESS.

“My comrades … you’ve murdered my friends in cold blood …” THE GRIZZLY MAN says as he picks up heaps of flesh.

“Hey asshole,” Baines points to Grizzly Man as Washington sits behind him in his crystal sidecar, “You’re faggot bear bit me first.”

THE GRIZZLY MAN PICKS UP THE BEAR GUTS AND MEAT and BEGINS RUBBING THEM FURIOUSLY OVER HIS BODY. A FEW TEARS STREAM DOWN HIS FACE AS HE RUBS THE GIBLETS DEEP INTO HIS SKIN. A BIZARRE MOAN ESCAPES HIS LIPS AS HE HEAPS MORE AND MORE BEAR TISSUE ONTO HIS BODY.

“When these creatures were tearing me a part, I BECAME ONE WITH NATURE …” HE SAYS AS HIS FACE BEGINS TO CONVULSE. HARD BUMPS MOVE AROUND UNDER HIS SKIN AS HIS BONES RE-ALIGN THEMSELVES. HIS SHOULDERS GROW HUGE AS MORE FUR WRAPS AROUND HIS BODY. VEINS BULGE FUCKING EVERYWHERE AS VEINS STRAIN AGAINST HIS FLESH. “I BECAME … THE GRIZZLY MAN!”

With that, he transforms into FULL BEAR MODE and becomes a TWENTY FOOT TALL MONSTROSITY. HE ROARS so hard it shakes the CAMERA as BAINES STANDS BEFORE HIM.

J.R.: THE GRIZZLY MAN HAS BECOME AN EVEN BIGGER BEAR MONSTER! I no longer regret we switched from the Puff Ryder/Beekeeper battle for no reason.

“Whatever, shithead,” Baines smokes a cigarette, a habit he picked up just for this scene. BAINES CHARGES FORWARD WITH HIS FIST COCKED but THE GRIZZLY MAN MERELY SWATS HIM, SENDING HIM CAREENING INTO A ROADSIDE TREE. The back of the TREE EXPLODES and BAINES SPITS UP BLOOD as he gazes down on the SLASH MARKS ON HIS CHEST.

“Damnit. GEORGE, a little help here!”

“You’re not strong enough yet. McHarris would gladly fart right in the face of a bear/human hybrid,” Washington replies.

“Motherfucker,” Baines curses as he spins around from behind the tree and DRAGON KICKS the MOTHERFUCKER like a SPEAR TOWARDS THE BEAR. GRIZZLY MAN merely SLASHES AT IT, REDUCING IT TO SPLINTERS that RAIN DOWN on BAINES. The miniature WOODEN SPEARS dig into BAINES FLESH and send him crashing towards the ground.

W.W.: You know, it’s about time Baines fucking died. How this guy is considered a face when he openly wants to destroy the FTUW is beyond me.

J.R.: Who knows what a face is anymore, really? I used to think as long as they didn’t rape women constantly, they were a good guy, but Ant King proved me wrong on that one.

BAINES SHRUGS OFF THE NEEDLES and DASHES FORWARD. He dodges GRIZZLY MAN’S RAPID-FIRE SLASHES and DRIVES POUNDING FISTS into HIS GUT. However, the BEAST’S IRON LIKE HIDE CANNOT BE PENETRATED SO EASILY and the BEAR STOMPS GRIZZLY MAN INTO THE GROUND. BLOOD SPRAYS FROM MCGUINESS’ FACE.

“Damn it all to Hell,” Baines thinks to himself as the Grizzly Man slaps his body into the air with a quick slash. All the blood loss is making his mind fuzzy so he barely notices the world spinning around him as he rolls along the gravel. As he lies there, he sees George Washington beside the crystal horse, unmoving.

“What the fuck are you looking at?” Baines thinks, “It doesn’t matter how strong I am if I’m dead. Shit. This guy, he’s too strong. If I can’t kill him, how can I kill Handsomus or Guan Fei or the Ant King? Goddamnit.”

“You lack one thing …” George Washington’s voice booms inside his head.

“GEORGE?!” Baines thinks but sees Washington’s lips unmoving. However, he hears the voice as clear as day within his own skull.

“Your anger and hatred and rage have been brought you this far, John Baines McGuiness,” the voice of Washington tells him as Grizzly Man ravages his body, “These are all requirements to be a FTUW superstar, but you are still missing one thing …”

“MURDERFUCK.”

“M-MURDERFUCK?”

“It’s an emotion recently diagnosed by top scientists. It’s an emotion most FTUW superstars have, this emotion resonating most strongly within James Brock McHarris himself. Although your hatred and rage pushes you this far, it’s the MURDERFUCK, the absolute joy that you receive from killing that will power you. It gave McHarris’ untold power and he was merely human and, for you, it will grant you the ability to destroy the FTUW.”

“But … won’t I become what I hate?”

“Perhaps. However, without it you’ll die here, on some random Illinois road, to a guy who’s won like one match. Come on!”

GRIZZLY MAN’S HALF-BEAR EYES WIDEN AS HIS FUCKING PAW EXPLODES WHEN HE TRIES TO SWING AT JOHN BAINES MCGUINESS. HE PULLS BACK HIS BLEEDING STUMP AND LOOKS PAST THE SQUIRTS OF BLOOD TO SEE A NAKED JOHN BAINES, DRENCHED IN BLOOD AND WITH A MANIACAL GRIN SLAPPED ACROSS HIS MUG.

J.R.: MCBAINES! HE’S … FIGHTING BACK!

“YES. THIS IS MORE LIKE IT,” MCBAINES BASKS IN HIS OWN BLOODY MAGNIFICENCE. HE DIGS HIS FINGERS INTO HIS CHEST WOUND AND TEARS OPEN FURTHER, SPRAYING BLOOD INTO THE AIR. “NOW THAT OUR BLOOD HAS MIXED, OUR DESTINIES HAVE ALIGNED, AND THIS BLOOD COURSING THROUGH MY BODY TELLS ME TO FUCKING KILL YOU!”

GRIZZLY MAN SOMEHOW REGENERATES HIS LOST PAW AND CHARGES FORWARD. IMMEDIATELY THE TWO CRASH AND INTERLOCK PAW TO MITT, BATTLING FOR LEVERAGE. JOHN BAINES’ GRIN DOESN’T WANE EVEN AS THE SHARP CLAWS OF GRIZZLY MAN CAUSE MCGUINESS’ FIST TO SPRAY BLOOD.

“OOOH, I’VE GOT A FAT LOG OF SHIT IN MY ASS THAT’S GOING DOWN YOUR MOTHERFUCKING THROAT AS SOON AS YOU LOSE YOUR GRIP,” JOHN BAINES SNEERS.

W.W.: What’s come over John Baines?! Has he gone mad with blood loss?!

JOHN BAINES STEPS FORWARD, PUTTING LEVERAGE OVER GRIZZLY MAN AND CAUSING HIS KNEES TO BUCKLE.

”YOU SEE THAT? YOU SEE THAT HUGE, UNWIELDY DICK SWINGING BETWEEN MY LEGS?” BAINES SCREAMS. GRIZZLY MAN LOOKS OUT OF THE CORNER OF HIS EYE AT BAINES’ PENIS, WHICH WAS INDEED MASSIVE. “I’M GOING TO STICK THIS SHIT IN YOU. YOU READY? YOU READY FOR IT? IT’S GONNA HURT. MY GLANS IS GOING TO FUCKING KNOCK THOSE PEARLY WHITES OF YOURS DOWN YOUR CUNTFUCKING SHITRAPING THROAT.” Grizzly Man whimpers slightly. THEN JOHN BAINES DRIVES A PENETRATING KNEE INTO HIS FACE, EXPLODING BLOOD AND SHIT EVERYWHERE!

“IF MCHARRIS CAN POWERBOMB A LION, I CAN POWERBOMB A FUCKING BEAR!” MCGUINESS SAYS, RAISING THE TWO TON BEAST ABOVE HIS HEAD WHILE FUCKING SCREAMING HIS HEAD OFF. AS BLOOD SQUIRTS OUT OF HIS NUMEROUS WOUNDS FROM THE MASSIVE PRESSURE PLACED ON HIS TORSO (AND ARMS), HE SCREAMS EVEN HARDER AND SLAMS THE BEAR INTO THE PAVEMENT, CRATERING THE ROAD FROM THE VICIOUS POWERBOMB!

J.R.: BAH GAWD! BAAAH GAWD!

ELSEWHERE, RED HOT RODNEY AUSTIN STANDS OVER THE FALLEN HARD’ROK, WHOSE LEG IS SHATTERED FROM DOING THE STONE COLD STUNNER, WHILE THE GOTHBUGGY IS SPEEDING AT SOME REALLY HIGH SPEED!

“Damnit! If the Stone Cold Stunner won’t work on him, no move will work!” Hard’Rok cries, “What a fool I’ve been! Of course a rattlesnake’s own venom won’t work against him!”

AS “RED HOT” RODNEY AUSTIN STEPS FORWARD, A CHAIR FUCKING SLAMS INTO HIS FACE. HARD’ROK JERKS AROUND TO SEE GIGI PILOTING THE CHAIRCANNON!

“GIGI! I appreciate the effort but he’s Stone Cold Steve Austin! He’s immune to chairs!”

“No, Hard’Rok! He’s not Steve Austin! He’s Rodney Austin, his brother!” Gigi points!

“Oh! His leather vest! All those flames! And his name written all over his costume … that can mean only thing! He’s “Red Hot” Rodney Austin!” Hard’Rok smirks, “Of course! The only man immune to stunners but especially, uh, ‘mune’ to everything else!”

The steel chair slides off Rodney’s face COMICALLY like it were a banana cream pie or something. He has a LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE.

“That’s it! Time for my newest technique! CHAIRSHOT LEVEL 178: CHAIR-I-GAMI!” HARD’ROK SHOUTS as he MOVES FORWARD. Slamming a VIOLENT KNEE into AUSTIN’S FACE, he stuns him long to BREAK ALL HIS PHONES. AFTER SOME HARDCORE FOLDING, HE TRANSFORMS “RED HOT’ RODNEY AUSTIN INTO A FUCKING CHAIR!

J.R.: BAAH GAWD!! I DON’T EVEN UNDERSTAND HOW THAT WORKS!

Hard’Rok looks confused as the mangled human that he transformed into a chair shape before unfolding Austin and plopping down on his bloody, broken frame.

“Now … let’s find someone to hit with this …” Hard’Rok says.

ELSEWHERE, PUFF RYDER’S SEVERED SINKS INTO THE HOOD OF THE WEEDMOBILE AS THE BEEKEEPER STANDS VICTORIOUS OVER HIS FALLEN OPPONENT.

“Now that my greatest opponent has been defeated, victory has been assured,” the bees that compose THE BEEKEEPER cross their arms defiantly, “I would see no harm in having a hearty laugh before I continue the race! Hahahahaha!”

AS THE PILE OF BEES LAUGH, A HAND LANDS ON HIS SHOULDER. THE BEEKEEPER SPINS AROUND TO SEE, SURPRISE, PUFF RYDER STANDING THERE, HEAD AND ALL!

“WHAT?!” THE BEEKEEPER SHOUTS in his mysterious cave several miles away, “P-PUFF RYDER?!”

THE REMOTE-CONTROLLED BEE GOLEM LOOKS DOWN TO SEE THE SEVERED BODY OF PUFF RYDER LAYING BEFORE HIM!

“H-How are you alive?! I decapitated you!”

“It was a few months ago I learned that the world was weed. However, that was a foolish assumption,” Puff Ryder as he paces behind the frozen Beekeeper, “Things are more grander than that. The world isn’t just weed … EVERYTHING IS WEED.”

“It can’t be!”

“You, me, the clouds that hang in the sky, the ground below us, even this car made entirely out of weed … all of these things are made entirely out of weed,” Puff Ryder, “The power of weed is the power to control the UNIVERSE.”

THE CAMERA ZOOMS INTO PUFF RYDER’S EYES, which look like . THE CAMERA SWITCHES TO HIS POINT OF VIEW, SOMEHOW, WHICH LOOKS UPON A BEE GOLEM NOT MADE OF BEES, BUT BEES MADE OUT WEED (WEES) AND A EXPANSIVE WEED LANDSCAPE BEHIND HIM.

J.R.: WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED.

“GYAAAAAAAH!” THE BEE GOLEM STARTS FLIPPING OUT AND SCREAMING LIKE D’ARBY AS HIS BEE LIMBS EXPLODE. HIS BODY TRIES TO RECONSTRUCT ITSELF BUT QUICKLY TURNS INTO A QUIVERING MASS AS HIS BEE LIMBS RANDOMLY BURST, SPRAYING BEE GUTS EVERYWHERE.

W.W.: What the fuck is going on?

THEN THE CAMERA CUTS TO THE BEEKEEPER CHARGING OUT OF HIS CAVE BLINDLY, SCREAMING AS HE DIGS HIS FINGERS INTO HIS SKIN. THE CAMERA CUTS BACK TO PUFF RYDER WATCHING THE SWARM REFORM BACK INTO HIVE FORM AND FLY AWAY. It was all a WEED-INDUCED HALLUCINATION! Puff Ryder spins a grnenade pin on his finger before taking his weed key and unlocking his Weedmobile.

Then the camera cuts to JOHN BAINES MCGUINESS who stands over the powerbombed corpse of THE GRIZZLY MAN. He turns around, his MADDENED EXPRESSION reverting to its normal irritated rage, and begins to walk to George Washington and his crystal steed. However, DUE TO THE BLOOD LOSS, HE DROPS TO ONE KNEE.

“Damnit, that took a lot out of me …” Baines says. THEN SUDDENLY, A HUGE FUCKING SHADOW LOOMS UP FROM BEHIND HIM! IT’S THE GRIZZLY MAN! HE’S NOT DONE YET!

“I don’t … have anymore strength …” Baines curses as THE GRIZZLY MAN RAISES HIS PAWS FOR THE FINAL BLOW!

J.R.: BAH GAWD! HE’S GONNA MURDER HIM!

THEN BEEKEEPER’S BEE-MADE BEE HIVE BARRELS DOWN THE ROAD. GRIZZLY MAN’S BEAR INSTINCTS TAKE OVER AND HE STARTS DIGGING INTO THE HIVE FOR DELICIOUS HONEY INSIDE. AND JUST AT THAT MOMENT, THE NAPALM GRENADE ANT KING THREW AT PUFF RYDER AT THE VERY BEGINNING OF THIS STAGE, WHICH HE’S BEEN HOLDING ONTO THIS WHOLE TIME, IS REVEALED TO BE PAINTED LIKE A BEE AND NESTLED IN THE HIVE! AS GRIZZLY MAN RIPS OPEN THE HIVE AND PEEKS INSIDE, THE FUCKING GRENADE EXPLODES NAPALM, BURNING ALL THE GODDAMNED BEES TO DEATH AND TAKING GRIZZLY MAN’S HEAD CLEAR OFF!

W.W.: FUCKCKKKK!!

THE BEEKEEPER STUMBLES FROM HIS HIDDEN CAVE BEFORE BURSTING INTO FLAME AND DYING A HORRIBLE DEATH THAT REDUCES HIM TO ASH BECAUSE HE HAS A PSYCHIC LINK OR PHEREMONE LINK OR SOMETHING TO HIS BEES.

J.R.: THE BEEKEEPER, GRIZZLY MAN, AND “RED HOT” RODNEY AUSTIN ARE ALL DEAD!

And so the madness is temporarily restrained as the racers continue across the country to their next checkpoint, Chicago. Impious drives his vehicle through a hospital, killing random cripples and nurses and doctors before blasting into the emergency room to elbow drop a man’s heart as he’s undergoing triple bypass surgery. Ant King and Handsomus, falling behind in the pack, as the rest of the superstars race neck and neck towards the finish line. Guan Fei nets first, Impious nets second, and My Head Hurts 90 nets third.

“That Man” sits in his van, ever-cloaked in shadows, watching the proceedings.

“It’s about time …” a knowing smile forms on his lips.

Standings After Stage Two:
1. Bin Destruction: 7685 points.
2. Ant King: 4020 points.
3. Guan Fei: 2140 points.
4. Handsomus: 1040 points.
5. Impious: 920 points.
6. John Baines: 855
7. Hard'Rok: 720 points
8. My Head Hurts 90: 680 points.
9 Puff Ryder: 420 points.
10. Jonesie the Merciless: 50 points.
11. The Illusionist: 40 points.
12. Robert McCoy: 20 points.
13. Arakaki Bunzo: 0 points.
14. "That Man": 0 points.
15. Grizzly Man: D/Q
16. Beekeeper: D/Q
17. "Red Hot" Rodney Austin: D/Q
18. Terry Bogard: D/Q
19. Kaiser Fuckface: D/Q
20. Toronto Man Machine: D/Q
Yogurtman
Odin
Joined: 03 Jan 2007
Posts: 2248
(Fri Feb 23, 2007 1:57 am)
Reply

Post     Re: FTUW'S DEATH RACE 2007 (#20)

At the second checkpoint, a hundred foot long table is set up with every delicacy imaginable in the world. Any kills during this break are worthless and attacking an opposing driver is grounds for disqualification. Everyone forgets about their worries for a moment and they gorge themselves on their favorite dishes. Jim Ross and Warrior are dressed in formal eveningwear at one head of the table.

JR: Seems like even we’re invited to dine, Warrior.

Warrior: Just try not to eat the table, Jim. Ho ho ho!

JR was in fact slathering the table in barbeque sauce and biting pieces out of it.

Handsomus devours a 75-ounce steak while chugging a keg of beer, made in the heart of the US of A.

Puff Ryder is cramming Doritos and orange soda down at a fervent pace, the long race having forced him to crave munchies for thousands of miles of dangerous terrain.

Hard’rok is enjoying black coffee and a cigarette.

Jonesie has torn open a seal and is feasting on its innards while looking at Puff Ryder with contempt.

The ILLUSIONIST is in the process of puking out what’s left of his stomach contents, but the Dilettante has no problem shoving all the food he can down his fat fucking craw!

Robert McCoy doesn’t have a stomach anymore so sucks to be him.

Bunzo Arakaki is eating a big bowl of ramen with those little spirally star-shaped things floating on top. He loves his little spirally things!

My Head Hurts 90 is chowing down on a Filipino chick’s cooch.

John Baines is stuffing himself with clam chowder and lamb chops, cooked extremely rare and bloody. Everyone stares at him cautiously because his actions in the previous part of the race proved that he’s thoroughly fucked in the skull.

Instead of eating, Ant King is banging black hookers with huge ghetto booties and making them eat his corny fecal matter off of the fine china and silverware set before them. Never before have they feasted on such a regal meal!

Guan Fei is eating a big bowl of rice with sweet and sour soup and Yu Hsiang chicken. In the middle of his meal, he throws down his chopsticks and writes a poem about his food.

Spicy as the heat of my desire,
Sticky as the brothership among men,
Tasty as a hard fought victory,
This is the meal of a man!

Impious is eating sausages and beer. Because he’s German and that’s all they eat.

“That Man” is looking mysterious.

Bin Destruction is refraining from eating because it is currently the holy time of Ramadan. Seeing everyone stuff their faces with delicious food begins to wear on him, however. Figuring that he needs to keep up his strength, Bin Destruction swipes a piece of bacon off the table and scarfs it down.

Bin Destruction: Why I have never being tasted a food of greatness as much as this is!

But before he can finish swallowing, Bin Destruction finds himself in an all-white room, bright as the sun and with a ceiling as high as a mountain! Before him is a glowing figure clad all in white with the most beautiful nubile young women attending to him.

Bin Destruction: M…mighty and benevolent Allah! It is my greatest and most grand honor to be of the standing at your feet!

Allah: SILENCE! MY SON, HOW DARE YOU COMMIT SUCH SINS!

Bin Destruction: B…but…

Allah: FIRST YOU FORNICATE WITH UNCHASTE WOMEN WHO LET THEIR HAIR BE EXPOSED IN PUBLIC! YOU CONSUME ALCOHOL AND WRESTLE FOR EGOTISTICAL PRIDE! YOU EARN MONEY AND FAIL TO DONATE EVERY LAST CENT TO YOUR MOSQUE OR LOCAL FREEDOM FIGHTING ARMY! AND NOW YOU BREAK THE SACRED FAST OF RAMADAN BY CONSUMING PORK?!?!

Bin Destruction: Forgive me, all-forgiving and all-knowing Allah!

Allah: I SHALL NOT! I SHALL SEND YOU BACK TO EARTH, BUT YOU WILL NO LONGER HAVE THE IMMORTALITY THAT I HAVE GRANTED YOU! YOU NEXT DEATH WILL BE YOUR LAST!

Bin Destruction: No!

Allah: AND WHEN YOU DIE, YOU SHALL BE SENT TO HELL! BUT NOT JUST ANY PART OF HELL! YOU SHALL BE SENT TO JEW HELL!!!

Bin Destruction: NO ALLAH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Bin Destruction is back in the dining room and shakes from fear. The most terrible place imaginable. Jew Hell awaits him…

The hour’s repose is over and all the racers get back in their cars. Servants of von Toity usher Hard’rok and My Head Hurts 90 to a ring with wheels as they load their respective cars onto loading bays.

JR: It’s time for the Highway to Hell match!

Warrior: Huh? Explain, tubby!

JR: Hard’rok will be defending his newly won and re-christened NED Title against My Head Hurts 90. However, since we have no time to waste, they’re be doing it alongside everyone as they race! Both men are going to duke it out in that ring that’s speeding down the highway. Whoever picks up the first pinfall, submission or KO will be the NED champ!

Warrior: As awesome as this bloodfest is going to be, I doubt anyone’s going to stop and watch! Those other racers are going to be blowing the shit out of each other and any pedestrians who’re retarded enough to have not fled the country by now. If this match ends in a KO, it may not because of the damage they do to each other but the collateral damage they’ll receive!

JR: They’ll want to finish up quick too! They won’t have many opportunities to slaughter innocents in that ring!

Von Toity is in his VIP lounge enjoying the show.

Von Toity: What a marvelous little event I've thrown together, I must say!

His attention is diverted when a group of shadowy figures walk through the door.

Von Toity: W...what are YOU doing here?!

BANG! The race to checkpoint #3 begins in southern Minnesota! The cars, horses and ring dash forward and the sound of the gun as the bell rings and the match begins. MHH starts off by summoning a locker from the ground and performing a high flying move off of it. The veteran Hard’rok grabs MHH out of mid-air and slams him into the ground! MHH writhes in pain on the mat as Hard’rok punches the back of his head and drives his face into the canvas over and over!

Outside of the ring, the cars race at top speed. The ILLUSIONIST panics and the Sleigh(t) of Hand begins spinning in circles as he loses control of the vehicle. The ILLUSIONIST wets himself as he sees their car spin towards a dynamite factory!

Dilettante: Looks like we’re going down like samurais! This is too perfect *short chuckle*

But as luck would have it, a group of preschoolers are walking down the street tethered together! When they see the Sleigh(t) of Hand coming at them, the babysitters in charge run for their lives and both ends of the tether get caught around a fire hydrant and a tree! The Sleigh(t) hits the preschoolers and they’re crushed to bits by the rusty Japanese import from the 80’s! A few of them survive and writhe around on the windshield, crippled and leaking their pureed vital organs out of their gaping wounds.

Rodney Dangercar: Yeah, I love my kids’ special occasions! At their funeral, I was the only guy with a party hat and balloons!

The Sleigh(t) is inches away from hitting the factory when the tether, acting like a slingshot, stops them and sends them flying back on course! The car flies over the ring and clips Hard’rok, knocking him over and giving My Head Hurts a chance to reverse the advantage!

JR: Bah gawd Warrior, what awesome luck on the ILLUSIONIST’s part! Instead of getting reduced to a burning pile of human excrement, he just shot into the lead and gained 300 points for killing those 10 toddlers!

Warrior: I guess that luck makes him the antithesis of Robert McCoy.

My Head Hurts picks up Hard’rok and smashes his back over his knee. He follows up with a flurry of fists to the NED champ’s face! Hard’rok slips out of the way and counters with a roundhouse kick, sending MHH into the turnbuckle! MHH staggers, but does not appear to be too hurt. But Hard’rok was just using the kick to get some distance! He pulls several tiny metallic objects from his cloak’s breast pocket. Chair shurikens! He flings them at MHH who puts his arms in front of his face to block the weapons. A dozen razor sharp mini-chairs become embedded in My Head Hurts 90’s arms, but he grits his teeth and bears it. Hard’rok tries to follow up with a dropkick, but MHH’s moves to the side and uses Hard’rok’s momentum to slam his face into the ring post! His nose shatters and blood flows freely like a fountain.

Hard’rok, woozy from the blow to the skull, stumbles into one of MHH’s favorite techniques: The Japanese Arm Drag! Hard’rok hits the mat and MHH segues into a Fujiwara armbar. The pain is excruciating as Hard’rok tries desperately to free himself from the hold. MHH has it on tight, but suddenly feels a sharp pain in his heart. This momentary lapse is more than enough for Hard’rok to reverse the move into the Goth Grapple, a submission move that is like a camel clutch but you grab the guy by his eyelids instead. MHH nearly loses his eyelids, but is able to twist out of the move before that happens.

MHH: C…could it be that I have lost the power of Japan?

My Head Hurts attempts an enzuigiri, but he receives another shock to the heart and is easily countered by a Hard’rok punch to the jaw, fracturing it and causing the bones to chip apart inside of his face!

MHH: The power of Japan is rebelling against me because I destroyed the country with my cock. H…How could I have been so foolish?!

He doesn’t have any more time to mull over it as Hard’rok whips out a chair and knocks MHH over the head with it! Hard’rok pins.

ONE…

TWO…


KICKOUT!

Hard’rok, not expecting an easy win, presses his advantage by driving the legs of his steel chair into MHH’s face over and over.

Back at the race, Puff Ryder is far behind the pack but is enjoying the leisurely stroll more than actually winning. He lights up the rear-view mirror and begins to hotbox his car using…his car.

The recreational use of the herb is sadly interrupted. Puff Ryder is sideswiped by the shark car! The hemp vehicle is flung into the air and the mouth of the shark car begins chomping down on it.

Jonesie: Yarrr, this be the end of you once and for all!

JR: Seems as if Jonesie’s still pissed about Puff Ryder killing him to begin with. I guess this is another feud getting resolved!

The hemp car begins to break apart and Jonesie laughs manically. He’s licks his ravenous chops as he considers the various ways to prepare Puff Ryder to be eaten.

Puff Ryder: Fucking Jonesie.

CRUNCH! The shark car bites the hemp car in half! The poorly made electric-powered vehicle of love and peace is reduced to crumbs and dust! The driver and all that was left are devoured by the ravenous killing machine and his ride.

Handsomus is cruising along in the lead after overtaking The ILLUSIONIST. Guan Fei and Ant King are tied for second as they ride side-by-side and are in the midst of exchanging punches. Guan Fei lands a cheap low blow on the Ant King’s sizable package and then reaches into Ultra African Dream. From inside he pulls a large section of the Great Wall of China and launches it at the Antmobile! The Antmobile is sent flying like a pinball and Ant King and his vehicle disappear over the horizon! Guan Fei digs his fingernails into his chest and laughs manically.

JR: D…Damn that lunatic Guan Fei! He murdered The Ant King!

Warrior: FAGHASHGFEKAYG

Warrior tears off his shirt and enters the race himself! On foot! And he still commentates!

Warrior: *huff* Well Handsomus is currently in the lead with Guan Faggot in second and Impious in third.

Impious is reading volume one of Proust’s In Search of Lost Time while his car is on autopilot with two chainsaws welded to the side. He’s taking the scenic route through the Mall of America where he’s racking up countless points by destroying hordes of shoppers. Coincidentally enough, though the mall is not part of the official route it in fact a shortcut, thus keeping Impious in good standing.

Warrior: *huff huff* Well JR, it seems as if Impious is a shoe-in to win now! He’s killed at least 4000 people in the last 10 minutes!

JR: Sorry to rain on his parade, but those kills don’t count for as much as he’d expect. Everyone in that mall is in fact a zombie. N.E.D annexed the Mall earlier this year to make the grandest recreation of Dawn of the Dead ever conceived! The humans have long since been turned into useless lumps of dead flesh for which we are glad to be rid of.

Handsomus is over a mile ahead of Guan Fei and considers easing up on the reins of his space horse. It’s a good thing he didn’t though, because Guan Fei suddenly comes charging up out of nowhere!

Handsomus: Such speed…how?

On the hooves of Guan Fei’s horse are human corpses! He’s using the slipperiness of the blood and guts to slide along the pavement like skating on ice! By the time all of the bodies disintegrate, Guan Fei and Handsomus are side-by-side! The Space Stallion is mega pissed and headbutts Ultra African Dream in the face! Guan Fei’s horse returns in kind!

Suddenly, both men are flipped over and they are running the race while their DAMN HORSES are riding the men and exchanging blows! The Space Stallion takes a hoof so durable that it can survive the vacuum of space and shoves it into Ultra African Dream’s neck! Ultra African Dream responds by spitting hot ‘n sour soup into the face of the Space Stallion, blinding it temporarily! Ultra African Dream begins biting into the rock hard skin of the poor blinded beast when Handsomus grabs his disabled horse and swings it like a goddamn club and smashes Ultra African Dream in the head so hard that its head twists around 180 degrees! Handsomus mounts his steed again and begins guiding the creature using a series of manly grunts that only these two heroic aliens can comprehend due to being composed almost entirely of testosterone! Meanwhile, Guan Fei gets back on his horse and is taken in the opposite direction because Ultra African Dream’s head is on backwards!

JR: BAH GAWD! GUAN FEI IS GOING THE WRONG WAY!

Getting back to that match, Hard’rok has slammed that chair into MHH’s face so many goddamn times that…well fuck it’s pretty retarded! MHH’s not able to block the crushing attacks, but his burning inner passion is keeping him from losing consciousness.

MHH90: Can’t…lose bushido spirit…

JR: BRAH GRAWD! My Head Hurts 90 has lost the power of Japan! How is he still able to summon this much courage?!

Hard’rok lifts his chair high above his head.

Hard’rok: If level 1 won’t do, then taste my level 2 chair shot!

JR: HE’S GOING TO SMASH MHH90’S SKULL INTO PIECES!

VRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!

OUT OF NOWHERE, comes Bunzo Arakaki! His motorcycle flies through the air and lands in the ring! A shocked Hard’rok jumps off of MMH and prepares to defend himself.

JR: Bunzo?! That cowardly wuss?!

Bunzo lights a cigarette and then coughs his lungs out.

Bunzo: It’s you! You destroyed Japan, didn’t you?!

MHH hangs his head in shame.

MHH: I…I didn’t mean to.

Bunzo: K…kuso! They used to say that I’m as useless as a lantern in the daytime. I’m not fast and I’m not strong. Every time I would participate in athletics days at school, I’d come in dead last in every event. My brain doesn’t work very well either. Even when I cheat off the smartest guy in the class, I’d practically flunk every time. And I sure don’t like fighting! That’s why even though I’m a big guy, I always hang out with tough guys so I don’t have to use my own fists. B…but still…THIS I CANNOT ACCEPT!

Bunzo revs up his bike and charges right at MMH!

Bunzo: Kenjiro-san, please look at my most passionate moment! This is Arakaki Bunzo’s springtime!

The wheels tear up the mat as he zooms straight at MHH!

MHH clotheslines Bunzo right off his bike and he flops around retardedly. Bunzo recovers in time to see MHH standing in front of him with the motorcycle lifted in the air with one arm! The Japanese loser wets himself.

Bunzo: Uwaaaa! Help me Kenjiro-san!

MHH takes the motorcycle and slams the back wheel in Bunzo’s face! He pulls of the gas and the wheel begins grinding Bunzo’s face off! His skin, blood and muscle spray through the air as a red mist splashes all over MHH’s tearful face.

MHH90: Goodnight sweet child of my beloved land!

The wheel grinds harder and the red mist turns to white powder as Bunzo’s facial bones are now being ground out of his face! His eyeballs explode and he tries to scream as his teeth fire out in every direction and his tongue is torn out and flops around on the mat like a fish out of water. Two of the teeth go through the neck of the driver of the ring-car and kill him instantly! His body falls over and gets caught in the wheel, keeping the vehicle straight as it races down the bumpy, yet straight North Dakotan road. His lead boots lie on the gas pedal and keep the ring moving. He wore them because he was afraid of getting his ankles sore from pressing down so hard for hours on end. That’s the least of his concerns now!

Warrior: JR! *huff huff* This road doesn’t stay straight forever! I’ve seen cars weaving back and forth up ahead using my Warrior vision! It’s gonna be a rough ride for these two men!

Bunzo’s face is now devoid of bone and the brains are shooting out like confetti! MHH lets go of the gas and puts the bike down. Bunzo’s head has been completely hollowed out!

JR: Well the good news is that his teeth killing the driver counted as a kill so Bunzo Arakaki is posthumously awarded 10 points! Congratulations for not coming in last! Of course, he’s also dead and out of the race.

MHH rips off Bunzo’s hollow head and wears it as a helmet. His oversized cranium contained little, but makes for a perfect fit when worn!

MHH: Japan, thank you for your memories! Your last son will now protect me from Hard’rok!

Hard’rok comes at MHH again with level 1 chairshot after chairshot, but Bunzo’s thick skull protects him from any damage!

Hard’rok: Shit! Level 2!

MHH takes advantage of the charge up time and kicks Hard’rok in the face with the enzuiguri! The Japanese power of Bunzo’s skull gives him the strength to perform the technique!

JR: The tables have turned! Hard’rok can’t fight two heads at once!

Shark Jonesie is cruising along. He’s now in fourth place behind Handsomus, Impious and John Baines and his car is eating the maimed or dying that lie in the road from the wake of the three competitors ahead of him.

Warrior: *HUFF* Well JR, it seems as if Jonesie is quietly racking up points by finishing off those that Handsomus, Baines and Impious left behind. They’re in such a hurry to win the race that they’re not killing people properly! Much like how we didn’t finish off the gooks when we had the chance and now they’re building nukes!

JR: He’s a shark so he can sense the blood of those still alive easily. Damn that Jonesie! Damn him!

Suddenly, the shark car begins filling up with smoke.

Jonesie: Yarr, dids I feed on too many carcasses? Me engine be spitting vile fumes!

Jonesie coughs and coughs as he tries to drive with the smoke in his eyes. His vision gets blurry and only realizes at the last second that he’s run over a little girl.

Jonesie: OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT!

JR: What’s he so upset about? Killing a little girl is worth 30 points.

Warrior: I’ll tell you why! That pirate shark is high!

Jonesie tries to keep it together, but the power of the THC in his blood is too great and he starts giggling like an idiot. He doesn’t even notice that he’s floating out of his car and into the air!

JR: Bah gawd! Puff Ryder’s in Jonesie’s body!!!

Puff Ryder: Cracka, if tearing you apart and feeding you to sharks ain’t gonna kill ya, then I got only one way to makes sure you’re dead!

Jonesie continues to float upwards into the sky. He levitates above the clouds and high and higher into the atmosphere. The lack of oxygen causes him to get even higher and Jonesie can’t put up any fight whatsoever! Jonsie and Puff Ryder are beginning to leave the Earth’s atmosphere!

Puff Ryder: Shit dawg, y’aint gonna be liking this!

Jonesie begins to expand until the vacuum of space causes him to explode into little shark bits! Puff Ryder, unable to reform, dissipates into the night sky…

JR: PUFF RYDER JUST SACRIFICED HIS OWN LIFE TO KILL JONESIE! BAH GAWD, WHAT HEROICS!

Hard’rok keeps on dealing out chairshots, but they prove to be useless again Bunzo’s thick skull. My Head Hurts 90 grins and dishes out a series of kicks and punches that send his opponent reeling. Hard’rok loses grip of his chair and falls up against the ropes as the hits rain down upon him! It’s almost as it MHH90 has, like, twenty hands or something! At least that’s what it looks like because he’s punching that much!

MHH backs off for a breather and stares down his bruised and bloodied opponent. Hard’rok looks back and smirks.

Hard’rok (pointing to his horns): Let’s see if your head is stronger than diamond!

JR: If case you’ve forgotten (you have), Hard’rok has diamond horns as a result of Krystøl’s attack on him back at some PPV that happened a long time ago. Well, he already had horns before that but they weren’t diamond.

Hard’rok lowers his head and prepares to charge like a bull. MHH complies and does the same thing! Both men run at full steam towards each other! The impact resonates throughout the landscape and a loud cracking noise flows through both men’s ears!

Bits of Japanese skull and horn crumble and tumble to the ground.

JR: A tie?!?!

MHH smiles and blood shoots out from the top of Hard’rok’s skull! MHH only lost a helmet but Hard’rok essentially just lost a piece of his fucking head! The cloaked man begins to teeter and MHH takes advantage of the opportunity and put him in a tombstone piledriver position! A locker flies up through the mat and sends both men soaring hundred of feet into the air! They both float in the clouds for a brief moment before hurtling back down towards the Earth!

JR: A TOMBSTONE FROM HUNDREDS OF FEET IN THE AIR! BAH GAWD HE’S GOING TO SPLATTER HARD’ROK INTO AN OKLAHOMA TOMATO PASTE!!!

The wrestlers accelerate back down to the ring below! There’s mere seconds before impact!

Hard’rok: CHAIR TRANSFORMATION!

The steel folding chair that he dropped earlier transforms into the biggest, cushioniest most snuggably soft Lay-Z-Boy recliner ever created! Hard’rok’s skull is driven into it and though the chair explodes into a cloud of upholstery and fabric, Hard’rok is perfectly fine!

MHH: N…no!

Hard’rok: You missed your chance!

Reaching into his baggy black cloak, Hard’rok yanks out another chair and drills MHH in the face! His nose is crunched into bits and the blood flows like a waterfall as he falls limply to the mat. Hard’rok leaps onto MHH’s back and applies the Goth Grapple again and manages to tear off his eyelids! He barely has a chance to writhe in pain before the cloaked man lifts him up and jumps into the air for another of his signature moves!

Hard’rok: Airplane Powerbomb!

BOOM! My Head Hurts 90 is driven deep into the mat and most of his bones break in the process! A spray of blood shoots from his mouth as his pupils contract!

MHH: Have I…lost?

JR: My Head Hurts 90 looks to be done folks!

Warrior: Sorry to interrupt you corpulent redneck waste of human genes, but I have an update from the field! *huff huff* I’ve passed the last place wrestler Bin Destruction and I have to say that he looks downright pathetic this round!

Bin Destruction’s wingless 747 is putting along very carefully at 20 mph and its driver is hunched over his joystick with a stressed out expression on his face. The words Allah spoke to him earlier ring through his skull and he does everything he can to just make it though the race in one piece. Every other racer is miles ahead so this probably won’t be a problem.

Except there’s one man still going backwards! Guan Fei is struggling to get his horse’s head on the right way after the tussle with Handsomus and only manages to do so as he arrives alongside of Bin Destruction. K’unt-smak sees the plane driving slowly down the road and recognizes the pilot as his former comrade.

Guan Fei: Ho ho ho, how are we doing Mohammad?

Bin Destruction’s soul fills with rage towards the man who betrayed his trust, but his desire to survive overcomes that.

Bin Destruction: Good to see you friend Fei! Are you having the good time in the race?

Guan Fei: Very much so! I destroyed my great rival and am able to slay peons as I may! What glorious days we are living in! But I must be hurrying up if I am to retake the lead!

Bin Destruction: *nervous laugh* Well do not be letting me halt you from winning of the race. Go go!

Guan Fei whips the reins on Ultra African Dream and dashes ahead. Bin Destruction breathes a sigh of relief and turns his attention back to the road.

HE DRIVES OFF OF A CLIFF!! Guan Fei had been diverting his attention so he wouldn’t notice!!

Guan Fei: Ho ho ho! That had best count as a kill for me!

Bin Destruction: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

In the ring, Hard’rok is wrapping a piece of his cloak around his missing horns to create a headband that stops the bleeding. He begins to walk over to MHH to pin him and end the match.

MHH90: It can’t be…was the power of Japan that weak?

Strange voice: You fool! You should be embracing your true power!

MHH90: Who’s that?!

Strange voice: Heh heh heh, you should know the answer to that, son!

MHH90: Of course…Mother Africa!

Strange voice: Go my child!

Hard’rok suddenly gets a chilling sensation and stops advancing. MHH stands up creepily and his skin begins to darken! His muscles bulge and his eyes turn a yellowish tinge! His lips swell and his chin protrudes! All his clothes burst off his body except for a loincloth as the transformation completes itself!

JR: No way! My Head Hurts 90 is black?!

Warrior: My Head Hurts 90 is black?!

Hard’rok: My Head Hurts 90 is black?!

MHH90: My Head Hurts 90 is black!!!

It takes everything in Hard’rok power to just get his feet to move in the presence of this omnipotent creature before him! Swinging the chair in his hands, he nails the beast in the chest with a level 1 chair shot!

No effect. It just bounces off the beast’s thick, impenetrable muscles!

Shocked, Hard’rok tries again with a series of level 1 and level 2 chair shots! Still nothing! The monster lifts it’s gigantic ebony paw and brings it down on the cloaked man, embedding him three inches into the mat!

Warrior: The power of blacks is a mystery to us even today!

Two lockers burst out of the ground and sandwich Hard’rok on either side! MHH finishes the combo off with an uppercut to the chin, which sends Hard’rok flying outside of the ring!

JR: It’s gonna be a ringout! Hard’rok’s about to hit pavement while speeding along at 80 mph!

Gigi: Roky! Noooo! Hang on!

Gigi flies by in the Goth Glider, which is fueled by black nail polish and gloom. She begins tossing chairs out of the glider and they sail through the air towards the ring. Hard’rok regains his senses quickly enough to use these chairs as platforms that he can leap off of! He begins jumping from chair to chair in mid-air as he makes his way back to the ring! MHH rips one of the lockers that’s hanging around out of the ground and launches it straight at Hard’rok! Not missing a beat, Hard’rok kicks one of the chairs flying through the air at the locker with such force that it slices the locker in half, continuing on to strike MHH in the forehead and momentarily stunning him! With one final majestic leap, Hard’rok find himself back into the ring.

But something is wrong with MHH! His body is beginning to emit smoke and his breathing and heart rate are accelerating at a ridiculous pace!

MHH: G…Grrr…urrrgl…

JR: What’s going on with My Head Hurts 90?!

Warrior: *huff huff* Isn’t it obvious JR? The blackness is beginning to take a toll on his body! Like all blacks eventually do, he’s exploding! His normally white system can’t take the pressure!

MHH: Guuuuh…THE ONLY REASON I HAVEN’T GOTTEN A WORLD TITLE SHOT IS BECAUSE I’M BLACK!! FUCKING WHITE HONKIES RUNNING THE SHOW DON’ WANNA GIVE A BLACK MAN A CHANCE CUZ THEY KNOW THEY GONNA GET SHOWN UP!!!

Warrior: See?

Hard’rok cracks his knuckles and begins concentrating all his strength. He knows that MHH90 only has enough left for one big shot so he’s going to give him the biggest shot he can come up with as well! Waving his hands around in a vaguely Tai Chi-ish manner, Hard’rok begins to draw in power to himself.

Gigi: That technique! Raven’s final lesson to him! Can Roky do it?!

Steel chairs all over the world begin swarming towards Hard’rok and come together as a giant ball of chairs above his head!

MHH flexes a veiny arm and begins powering up as well.

MHH90: You can’t…beat the most powerful locker of all!

The chair ball grows and grows! It’s now over 50 feet wide! The ground rumble as the most powerful locker of all starts to shoot up from the Earth’s core!

JR: This is it! The end of our NED title match!

Warrior gets so pumped up that he starts running 200 mph!

JR pulls down his pants and sits on a bedpan in anticipation of having his bowels loosen from the intensity!

MHH screams loudly and hovers an inch off of the ground! His big black erection grows to enormous lengths and beckons the awesome locker forth as it approaches ever closer or the surface of the Earth!!

Hard’rok smiles! His technique is complete! But My Head Hurts 90’s locker is coming up first!

MHH90: DAVY JONES’ LOCKER!!!

THE LOCKER COMES OUT OF THE GROUND IN FRONT OF MHH90 AND IS THE SIZE OF A SKYSCRAPER! THERE ARE ANCHORS AND DUBLOONS AND HOOKS AND OTHER PIRATEY STUFF HANGING OFF IT! THE LOCKER OPENS UP AND AN ENORMOUS WAVE OF SAILOR CORPSES FLOW TOWARDS HARD’ROK!!!

Hard’rok: Genki Dama /w Chairs!

THE 200-FOOT WIDE BALL OF CHAIRS IS LAUNCHED AT THE WAVE OF DEAD SAILORS AND SHATTERS THEM TO BITS! DAVY JONES’ LOCKER TOPPLES OVER AND COLLIDES WITH THE GENKI DAMA /w CHAIRS! LIGHTNING AND PASSIONATE ENERGY FLY EVERY WHICH WAY!! HARD’ROK AND MHH BOTH GRIMACE INTENSELY AS THEY TRY TO PUSH THEIR RESPECTIVE ULTIMATE ATTACKS TOWARDS EACH OTHER!

JR: BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH GAWD!

God himself descends to Earth to congratulate JR on saying his name so many times that he has been promoted to the 13th disciple!

Warrior begins leaping miles at a time like the Hulk!

THE ATTACKS EXPLODE AND THERE IS A FLASH OF LIGHT!!! When the smoke clears, Davy Jones’ Locker and the Genki Dama /w Chairs are gone. There are only two men in the ring! One is laying on the ground, exhausted and barely able to move. The other is standing defiantly, breathing deeply and looking down at the fallen foe.

MHH90: Geh…geh heh heh heh!

MHH90 looks down at his chest. He sees a single chair embedded in it. This would have been enough to kill a normal man, but the crazy negro yanks it out and begins to caress his gaping wound.

MHH90: I’ve…

He looks down at Hard’rok.

MHH90: …won!

JR: MY HEAD HURTS 90 IS THE LAST MAN STANDING! BUT WHERE’S THE REF?!

The referee parachutes down from a helicopter after escaping during the final showdown. He gets in the ring and prepares to count.

But MHH90 won’t cover.

Ref: Uh, you gotta cover him.

MHH90: FUCK YA’LL!

Ref: Huh?

MHH90: I SAID FUCK YOU CRACKA! I AIN’T TOUCHING THAT SHIT! I AIN’T NO FAGGOT!

Ref: But My Head Hurts 90…

MHH90: DON’T FUCKING CALLS ME THAT!!!

MHH grabs the referee by the collar and lifts the frightened man into the air!

MHH90: IT AIN’T MY HEAD HURTS 90!!! CALL ME NUEVE…CERO…

Blood sprays out from every one of MHH90’s pores as he screams in agony!

JR: GAH BAWD! HE’S EXPLODING!

Warrior: Yep, that’s about right!

MHH falls to his knees as tears of blood stream down his cheeks. Finally, he slumps over and passes out. A hurt but conscious Hard’rok crawls over and makes the cover!

ONE…

TWO…

…THREE! HARD’ROK RETAINS HIS NED TITLE!

JR: MY HEAD HURTS 90’S BODY COULDN’T TAKE HIS NEGRO INTENSITY AND RAGE! IT TURNED ON HIM AND WAS HIS OWN UNDOING!

Warrior: It’s nice to celebrate and all, but you’ve forgotten a little detail…

The referee wipes his brow over having not getting blown up when he looks over the horizon and sees a cliff fast approaching! It is then that he realizes that the driver has long since been dead and that no one is driving the ring anymore! Panicked, the ref scrambles into the driver’s seat as Hard’rok falls to one knee and tries to catch his breath.

Gigi: Quick Roky! You’ve gotta move!

Guan Fei has just caught up to the ring-car and looks on happily as it’s about to plummet over the edge!

The referee leaps into the driver’s seat and kicks away the corpse of the previous driver. Remembering back to his days as a rough-and-tumble truck driver traveling across the highways of America, he deftly spins the ring car around and manages to get back on track at the last minute! He breathes a sigh of relief and wipes his brow. Crisis averted.

Until out of the canyon ahead emerges…A PLANE!!

Bin Destruction: ALLAH AKBAR!

Bin Destruction’s plane now has wings of sand and is flying through the air! Guan Fei looks on in a panic as Bin Destruction points directly at him.

Bin Destruction: By the glory of Allah, I shall do him proud by crushing this infidel in his name!

Ant King: OUT OF MAH WAY YOU COK EATIN SHITFUKKERS!!!!1

From out of nowhere, Ant King’s Antmobile is soaring through the air as about 400 mph hour! Ant King has ignited his loose, wet farts and they ignite more powerfully than jet fuel! Sprays of shit burn powerfully from his ass as he shoots through the sky and crashes right through one of Bin Destruction’s wings! The plane begins spiraling out of control and falls towards the ring!

Gigi: Roky, hurry! You’ve got to fight on!

Hard’rok pulls himself to his feet and rushes to his Goth Buggy. He turns the key, but it won’t start!

Gigi: Keep trying Roky!

JR: Why isn’t he leaving?!

Out of the rubble of Davy Jones’ Locker emerges…Jonesie the Merciless!

Jonesie: Yarr harr harr! Puff Ryder sent me to Davy Jones’ Locker, but that jes’ let me come right back t’ the livin’! Time to wins me a race!

The plane collides with Jonesie head on and the ring and plane explode violently! Jonesie’s eyeballs fly through the air and are screaming for some reason before they disintegrate completely. Aliens monitoring his life signs declare him dead. FOR KEEPS!

JR: JESUS FUCK MAH BAWLS AND ANUS! BIN DESTRUCTION, JONESIE AND MY HEAD HURTS 90 AND HARD’ROK WERE ALL JUST SIMULTANEOUSLY KILLED AND ELIMINATED FROM THE RACE!

BUT WAIT! Out of the cloud of smoke comes a lone warrior! The NED belt wrapped tightly around his waist, Hard’rok drives back onto the road and returns to the race!

JR: HARD’ROK IS ALIVE FOLKS! THAT KID’S GOT HEART!

Ant King’s loose shit begins sputtering and he slows down and lands on the track, but not before passing far ahead of Guan Fei! The Bearded King fumes and starts going insane once more!

Guan Fei: KSSSSSSSSSSSSS…ANT KIIIIIIIIING!!!

JR: Warrior, where are you now? You missed that epic cataclysm of destruction!

Warrior: *huff huff huff* I’m way ahead now! I can see Handsomus right ahead of me and he’s currently in first place with only 5 miles to go! I also saw John Baines McGuinness and he was using a bear’s intestines to drag fifty frat boys behind his car until their skin peeled off and their organs were ground into paste! Sadly, there aren’t too many human beings along this stretch of road. They must all want to die in the final part of the race! Back to you, Turd Factory!

Handsomus is coasting along and is unopposed! Four miles till checkpoint #3 at Mount Rushmore!

CRASH! From the side of a roadside diner comes Impious, holding the waitresses severed skull under his armpit. Though she appears to be 80, she is in fact only 35 so she doesn’t count for as many points as you’d think. Impious briefly turns his attention to Handsomus.

Impious: So, uh, all those belts and stuff. They look pretty faggy if you ask me.

Handsomus goes BALLISITC!! He jumps right off of his space horse straight at Impious’ car! Composed as ever, Impious responds by firing a napalm-filled skull right at Handsomus and sends him writhing around on the ground, trying to put the flames out! Two miles to go and Handsomus isn’t even on his horse anymore!

JR: GET UP HANDSOMUS!!

Not having the time to put out the searing napalm that covers his body, Handsomus jumps back on his space horse while still on fire! He gives chase as his very body burns! However, the space horse is tiring out from the long trip and the bone car still has all of its nitro fuel left since Impious took a shortcut! The former prick turns the juice up and bursts far ahead of Handsomus! Easy win!

NOT IT’S NOT! Out of nowhere, The ILLUSIONIST suddenly appears on the finish line just before Impious crosses!

Impious: The fuck?

The ILLUSIONST falls out of his car and vomits profusely on the ground.

Dilettante: Wow Victor, how’d you do that?

ILLUSIONIST: I was trying to pull out the cup holder, but I spilled my magic elixir on the dashboard.

Rodney Dangercar: Magic elixir? Yeah right! Hope you took out a life insurance policy, kiddo!

ILLUSIONIST: Huh?

Rodney Dangercar: Read the label, junior! Boy, and I thought I had it bad being a car! At least I won’t die an agonizingly painful death from plutonium poisoning!

ILLUSIONIST: WHAT?!

Rodney Dangercar: I bet that fat bastard’s eaten enough Twinkies to be immune to even the worst poisons! If he survived through those things, then I’m sure he’ll be all right! But you, hoooo boy! I wouldn’t want to be you tomorrow! Especially when your intestines turn to goo and you start shitting out liquefied organs!

ILLUSIONIST: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

Handsomus, still on fire, crosses the finish line in third place. John Baines comes in fourth, running over and killing the scantly clad bimbo waiting there to offer him flowers. Impious’ truck pops open and Robert McCoy pops out.

Impious: So wait, you’re not a spare tire?

The mechanical bed/robot charges across the finish line and picks up Robert’s head and places it snugly back inside of itself.

JR: Since McCoy’s car only made it across the finish line after John Baines, he technically comes in fifth.

Warrior dashes across the finish line, but he’s not even in a car, let alone part of this race.

Warrior: I can’t believe there are pussies that finished behind me!

JR: My black cowboy hat is off to you, Warrior!

“That Man” comes in sixth. Ant King is next, followed by Guan Fei. Hard’rok strolls along the finish line last, but his title is retained. Gigi climbs out of her Goth Glider and hugs Hard’rok.

Gigi: I knew you could do it Roky!

Hard’rok: It was because of your love, baby!

Gigi: By the way, I’m leaving you.

Hard’rok: Oh.

Gigi: Sorry.

Gigi flies off in the Goth Glider and becomes a groupie for The Cure. Hard’rok becomes dejected, heartbroken and bitter, increasing his goth power level.

JR: And that does it for the third part of our race! Bin Destruction, Bunzo Arakaki, Jonesie the Merciless, Puff Ryder and My Head Hurts 90 all died! Impious make giant strides by killing thousands of zombies and he and Ant King are vying for the win now that Bin Destruction is eliminated. However, if no one finishes the race successfully, Bin Destruction’s tally still stands at 7685. Here are the standings:

1. Impious: 5173 points.
2. Ant King: 4120 points.
3. Guan Fei: 2140 points.
4. Handsomus: 1670 points.
5. John Baines: 1460 points
6. The Illusionist: 940 points.
7. Hard'Rok: 820 points
8. Robert McCoy: 120 points.
9. "That Man": 100 points.
10. My Head Hurts 90: D/Q
11. Bin Destruction: D/Q
12. Jonesie the Merciless: D/Q
13. Arakaki Bunzo: D/Q
14. Puff Ryder: D/Q
15. Grizzly Man: D/Q
16. Beekeeper: D/Q
17. "Red Hot" Rodney Austin: D/Q
18. Terry Bogard: D/Q
19. Kaiser Fuckface: D/Q
20. Toronto Man Machine: D/Q


Jonesie's screaming eyeball drags itself along the beach after having been blown all the way to the west coast. After being the only piece of Jonesie to not explode violently, its survival instincts caused it to persevere for illogical reasons. Even aliens couldn't monitor the eye's survival!

The last thing the eye sees is an armada of battleships lined up along the coastline...
Yogurtman
Odin
Joined: 03 Jan 2007
Posts: 2248
(Fri Feb 23, 2007 1:58 am)
Reply

Post     Re: FTUW'S DEATH RACE 2007 (#20)

“Who the hell are you brash fellows?! How did you even get in here?” Toity’s head, set upon the statue of Adonis inside the V.I.P. room of Toity’s private zeppelin. The assembly of cloaked figures approach Toity. Chief Fisting Falcon, Sinclair Mohammed, and Wilson P. Hickenbottom all move forward to protect their liege.

“Toity … it’s over,” the front figure says.

“What is the meaning of this?” Toity shouts, bubbles exiting from his throat and rising up to the top of his head tube.

“The FTUW has outlived its purpose,” the figure motions, always enshrouded in shadows, “It’s become bloated and sick. It FEASTS on misery and keeps millions upon millions entranced in this swirling pool of malevolent debauchery. The amount of suffering this company has unleashed unto this world … it’s … it’s …”

“Free enterprise,” Toity smirks. THE FIGURE IN FRONT RUSHES FORWARD, PULLING BACK HIS FIST.

“IT’S A SIN!!” THE FIST SLAMS INTO THE MEATY FOREARMS OF CHIEF FISTING FALCON.

“HMPH! YOU’RE PRETTY STRONG!” FISTING FALCON PUSHES FORWARD, GRUNTING AND KNOCKING BACK THE FIGURE’S FIST. While stunned, FISTING FALCON LEAPS FORWARD with his arms SHAPED IN AN X. HE LEAPS ON TOP OF THE SHADOWY FIGURE, SWINGING DOWN HIS PALMS AND SCREAMING “HAAAAAA!!”

But the figure walks forward. Chief Fisting Falcon finds his HANDS SEVERED AT THE WRIST. As soon as Falcon’s feet touch the ground, his knees explode in blood. As he falls forward, his head suddenly JERKS into the ground, SPLATTERING BLOOD ACROSS the GROUND.

“H-How did he …” Toity says, STUNNED.

“Fisting Falcon … he’s …” Sinclair Mohammed mutters.

“Dead ... !” Wilson P. Hickenbottom comments through gritted teeth! The figure stands unmoving!

“I’M GUN TAH SEND YA TAH GRIM REAPER!” MOHAMMED FLIES FORWARD, SPINNING OUT OF CONTROL AS A FLURRY. As his FEET COME INTO CONTACT WITH THE SHADOWY ASSAILANT, HIS LEGS BEND BACK AT THE KNEES. He collapses onto the ground, screaming in agony.

WILSON P. HICKENBOTTOM FLIES ACROSS THE ROOM WITH A DRAGON KICK BUT HE FARES NO BETTER. HICKENBOTTOM IS DROPPED OUT OF THE AIR and his FOOT IS DRIVEN INTO THE GROUND, CRATERING THE TILES. Stunned at the physical impossibility of what’s happening, HE DOESN’T NOTICE THE HEEL DRIVING INTO THE BACK OF HIS SKULL. BLOOD SQUIRTS FROM HICKENBOTTOM’S NOSE, TEAR DUCTS, AND MOUTH AND HE COLLAPSES LIFELESS.

“Such heretics like you don’t deserve to live …” the figure reaches up and slicks back his mohawked hair.

“W-Who are you?! WHO THE HELL SENT YOU?!”

“I’m the man who has seen unimaginable suffering,” the figure steps into the light, REVEALING IT TO BE MOTHERFUCKING DARREN DROZDOV!!

“It can’t be … !” TOITY SAYS, LOOKING OVER DROZ’ FULLY FUNCTIONAL BODY. “YOUR BRAIN WAS MUSH. YOUR BODY WAS MUSH!”

“That was then,” Droz mutters, raising up his fist. “This is now.”


J.R.: AND WE’RE HERE FOLKS FOR CHECKPOINT #3 IN MOUNT RUSHMORE! Warrior has returned to the commentating booth and we’re here to announce the next EXCITING MATCH-UP, IMPIOUS AND HANDSOMUS R. AWESOME FOR THE #1 CONTENDERSHIP FOR THE FTUW CHAMPIONSHIP!

W.W.: AND THAT CHAMPION WILL BE THE ANT KING. HANDSOMUS VS. THE ANT KING NEXT PPV. MY LOINS ARE SO SWOLLEN WITH PATRIOTISM THAT THE ONLY WAY I COULD ALLEVE THE MADDENING AMERI-LUST IS TO FUCK A BALD EAGLE.

J.R.: That made absolutely no sense.

W.W.: I’VE TIED SOME OF THOSE STREAMERS I HAVE AROUND MY BICEPS AROUND MY MONSTER DONG TO KEEP IT NICE AND PLUMP FOR BALD EAGLE FUCKING.

Jim Ross takes a switchblade and nicks Warrior’s neck, causing blood to SPURT FROM THE WOUND. After a few SECONDS WARRIOR LOSES HIS RED HUE and slams a HAND ONTO HIS NECK.

W.W.: I’M SORRY, J.R. All that running double my adrenaline levels, and since there’s no inhibiting a constant flow of adrenaline into my blood NORMALLY, my brain was basically being fucked right there.

J.R.: Right you are, Warrior! But yes, there is a lot of reason for excitement. TONS OF FTUW SUPERSTARS ARE FUCKING DEAD! MHH, PUFF RYDER, BIN DESTRUCTION EVEN. I mean, Destruction dies all the time but for whatever reason nit seems permanent now!

W.W.: GOD, everything about this PPV is getting me so goddamned PUMPED! If I didn’t have to slather my genetically re-engineered body in Christian stem cells every fours, I’d be out there CRACKING SKULLS and RAPING INNOCENTS.

J.R.: It’s a heroic day, Warrior.Now we’ll go RINGSIDE, which is actually placed in front of MOUNT RUSHMORE.

W.W.: FUCKKKK!

THE FTUW superstars are relaxing in Jacuzzis, sipping tropical drinks in a caged in area. Fans THROW THEMSELVES AGAINST THE GUARDS and are immediately murdered by the FTUW guard’s standard-issue chainsaws. As three Chinese women walk on Guan Fei’s back, he pulls an olive off a toothpick sitting in his drink and flicks into the ground, impaling one fan through the forehead and instantly killing him.

John Baines, who is watching from afar with George Washington, kneels down clenching his fists, thinking back to when the MURDERFUCK OVERTOOK HIM. Washington, however, is looking off distantly at Mount Rushmore.

“Rushmore …”

“Count it,” he smiles. The rest of the superstars turn to the ring set up, overlooking Mount Rushmore, as LIGHTS BEGIN TO FLASH.

Brian Lightning, wearing a ribbon for Todd Lightning, he announces the superstars.

Lightning: COMING TO THE RING FIRST, hailing from GERMANY, IMMMMPIOOOUUSS!

Lights and shit begin to flash as Impious steps out, mildly raising his fist to the furious crowd. As he walks down to the ring, he slaps hands with a few fans before grabbing one man by the wrist and yanking off his arm. He proceeds to beat a few fans to death, netting him some points, before leaping into the ring. Impious shoos away Steve Blackman as he weakly strikes him with his fagsticks.

J.R.: Impious had once claimed the FTUW CHAMPIONSHIP and had it robbed of him due to a technicality. Tonight, he’s looking to win the chance to face Guan Fei for the belt once more. And even if he doesn’t beat Handsomus here, he can still win the race!

W.W.: Impious is a faggot and there’s no way he’s going to win. What kind of shithead goes around pretending to be a blind mute?

Lightning: And his opponent, hailing from OUTER SPACE, HANDSOMUS RRRRR. AWESOOOOME!

Handsomus approaches the ring on his Space Stallion, a feed bag filled with a grizzly bear strapped to the horse’s massive head. Handsomus leaps off the horse and into the ring.

THE BELL RINGS and the two EXPLODE FORWARD, steam or whatever shooting out from UNDER THEIR HEELS. They immediately grapple and begin GRUNTING AND SWEATING AND STUFF as neither BUDGES IN THE INTENSE POWER STRUGGLE.

J.R.: THESE TWO MEN HAVE BEEN THROUGH HELL JUST TO GET HERE. We’ll see now if this has affected their ability to FIGHT!

Handsomus’ knees WEAKEN SLIGHTLY and IMPIOUS STEPS FORWARD. As Impious switches into a headlock, HANDSOMUS DIGS HIS HEELS INTO THE MAT and CHARGES FORWARD. IMPIOUS FLIES BACK FIRST INTO THE TURNBUCKLE, still holding HANDSOMUS BY THE NECK. He lifts up HANDSOMUS INTO THE SKY for the SUPLEX but HANDSOMUS TWISTS AND HITS A SPINNING NECKBREAKER. Impious collapses to the ground as Handsomus back flips and lands onto his knees. IMPIOUS STANDS UP with HIS TWISTED NECK and SNAPS IT INTO PLACE.

W.W.: If the fact that Handsomus didn’t have the American flag sewn on the inside of his leather jacket, I’d applaud Impious for his manly heroics.

HANDSOMUS skips back and hits THE ROPES. Since the FTUW ropes are extremely RUBBERY, this flings AWESOME BACK LIKE A BULLET. HE DRIVES a FOREARM into IMPIOUS’ THROAT. Impious FLEXES BACK HIS THROAT MUSCLES, avoiding damage to his TRACHEA as he DRIVES A FOREHEAD into HANDSOMUS’ SKULL. Handsomus’ shattered sunglasses fall from his eyes and a WISPY FLARE of RAWKRA ENERGY escapes the white orbs that are his eyes. He steps back and whips out another pair before taking a JEET KUNE DO STANCE. Impious simply lowers his arms to his sides like some total badass.

IMPIOUS CRACKS HIS KNUCKLES AGAINST HIS STUMP as he trudges forward. Impious feints with his HAND and SLAMS A STUMP into Handsomus’ JAW. Feinting again, he nails Handsomus in the jaw. HANDSOMUS COUNTERS with a MANLY ELBOW into Impious’ ugly mug, knocking a tooth down the GERMAN’S THROAT. IMPIOUS DASHES FORWARD and DIGS A HARD FIST into HANDSOMUS’ RIBS, causing him to SPIT UP MOON JUICE (the moon is filled with juice and Handsomus regularly drinks it).

J.R.: It seems when it comes to straight up brawling, Impious may have Handsomus beat! Handsomus is going to have to change tactics if he wants to shift the momentum!

Impious ducks under a FEW HIGH SPEED BLOWS and COUNTERS with a HEAVY HOOK. Smoke rises up from the mat as HANDSOMUS CAREENS INTO IT, THE LEATHER OF HIS NOT GAY OUTFIT BURNING AGAINST THE CANVAS. As he looks up, Impious is standing there, smirking. BEHIND HIM, A SHADOWY FIGURE RISES UP.

J.R.: WAIT, IS THAT … ?

W.W.: CAN IT BE?!

IT’S THE FUCKING JUNKYARD DOG!

J.R.: I thought he was dead.

W.W.: Not for the purpose of this match!

A sharp pain stings the JOBBER BRAND on HIS NECK. He spins around to see the JUNKYARD DOG gripping the CHAIN that hangs from his neck, representing a leash! Impious immediately BREAKS HIS FUCKING FACE WITH AN ELBOW and grabs him by the chain. WITH A MIGHTY SWING, HE SLAMS THE JUNKYARD DOG INTO HANDSOMUS. JUNKYARD’S OLD, BLACK BODY CRACKS AGAINST HANDSOMUS’ SPACE FRAME but HANDSOMUS IS DAMAGED REGARDLESS! He falls to a knee and IMPIOUS SWINGS THE JUNKYARD DOG LIKE A HAMMER, DRIVING AWESOME’S FACE INTO THE MAT LIKE A SPIKE!

J.R.: Although the FTUW rules says that an interference in an official match WON’T result in disqualification if the interferer is exceptionally inept, with Junkyard Dog acting as a weapon for Impious he is receiving an unfair advantage!

The Junkyard Dog cries for death as IMPIOUS SWINGS HIM LIKE A BAT INTO HANDSOMUS OVER AND OVER. Space blood drips from HANDSOMUS’ NUMEROUS WOUNDS. Impious takes JUNKYARD DOG’S ASHY ELBOWS (Junkyard Dog is black, you see) and rubs them against Handsomus’ face, severely scratching them.

“Eat black dick, faggot,” Impious says, KICKING JUNKYARD DOG IN THE ASS and BREAKING HIS TAILBONE so that his CROTCH IS FLUNG INTO HANDSOMUS’ FACE, MOSTLY EMBARASSING HIM. With Handsomus dazed from the assault, IMPIOUS GRABS THE CHAIN and begins STRANGLING HANDSOMUS WITH IT!

J.R.: This extremely unorthodox assault may have secured a win for Impious!

HANDSOMUS tries to break free from the CHAIN, which is surprisingly durable, but IMPIOUS STRENGTH is TOO MUCH. With the rage building in his body from being beaten with a black man, HANDSOMUS YANKS ON THE CHAIN and BRINGS THE JUNKYARD DOG WITH HIM. WITH A QUICK MOVEMENT, HANDSOMUS PLUNGES INTO THE DOG’S DISTENDED GUT AND WHIPS OUT HIS INTESTINES AND THEN PROCEEDS TO STRANGLE IMPIOUS WITH THEM!

W.W.: Does that count as points for Handsomus? And hey, Handsomus was all about not murdering innocents!

J.R.: He’s merely ending Junkyard Dog’s suffering.

Due to how powerful Handsomus’ ASTRAL LUNGS ARE, he can hold his breath much longer than Impious can and Impious is forced to release the chain! HANDSOMUS IMMEDIATELY UPPERCUTS HIM INTO THE AIR and follows it up with a VICIOUS HEEL KICK, spiking him into a TURNBUCKLE. The turnbuckle explodes and kills some fans yada yada yada. The points are divided up between the two.

Impious lifts his head from the CRATER in the CANVAS as a small WATERFALL OF BLOOD pours from his FACE WOUNDS. He tightens his SINGLE FIST and DRIVES INTO HANDSOMUS’ CHEST. Handsomus skids back on his heels and FALLS THROUGH THE ROPES, ENDING UP ON THE CONCRETE OUTSIDE.

J.R.: This is a pretty exciting match between two guys who rarely speak!

Impious leaps out of the ring and stands before Handsomus, who is currently climbing to his feet. As Handsomus looks up, IMPIOUS THICK GERMAN THIGH comes a SLAPPIN’ AGAINST HANDSOMUS SPACE CHIN, TIGER KNEEING him into the air and onto the guardrail. The metal bends under Handsomus’ cosmic frame and fans scream in DELIGHT as they touch their hero. As IMPIOUS PLODS FORWARD, Handsomus grabs the GUARDRAIL and swings it like a BAT. IMPIOUS merely BLOCKS THE METAL against his FOREARM, causing the steel to wrap around his RIPPLING FRAME. The crowd immediately RUSHES FORWARD and swallows up Handsomus, obscuring him from the crowd. Impious looks for the space giant as fans quickly surround him.

W.W.: The other superstars aren’t going to like this! They know that Handsomus and Impious kill counts have a chance of skyrocketing, even if it’s unintentional!

As IMPIOUS randomly decapitates fans with clotheslines while looking for HANDSOMUS, a BIG LEATHER BOOT BURSTS FROM THE RIOT and CRACKS IMPIOUS JAW OPEN. He stumbles around until getting CLOCKED IN THE BACK OF THE NECK with a SHARP ELBOW. Impious immediately karate chops a MAN to DEATH thinking he was HANDSOMUS but HANDSOMUS is nowhere to be found!

“Goddamn faggot,” Impious mutters before sticking his arms straight out. USING HIS LEG AS A PIVOT, HE BEGINS SPINNING AT HIGH VELOCITIES LIKE ZANGIEF DOING THE SPINNING LARIAT, but it’s less effective because he has one FULL ARM.

J.R.: THE POINTS! THOSE FANS ARE BEING TORN TO SHREDS!

W.W.: MY CALCUMURDERLATOR CAN’T COMPUTE THE DEATH!

WARRIOR HEADBUTTS THE SHIT OUT OF HIS P.C. AND CHEWS ON THE HARDDRIVE.

Small waves coast along the small lake of blood at Impious. IMPIOUS, CRIMSON COLORED, SURVEYS THE CHUNKS but finds none matching Handsomus’ body! He’s nowhere to be found!

“HAAAAA!” HANDSOMUS SCREAMS, BURSTING OUT OF THE GODDAMNED GROUND AND UPPERCUTTING IMPIOUS IN THE JAW. IMPIOUS ROCK-HARD CHIN FUCKING CRACKS IN HALF, BLOOD SQUIRTING FIERCELY FROM THE WOUND DUE TO ALL THE BUILT UP DAMAGE IT’S RECEIVED DURING THIS MATCH!

“INTERGALACTIC GALACTIC …” HANDSOMUS FOLLOWS IMPIOUS AS HIS FIST EASILY PROPELLED THE GERMAN INTO THE SKY.

J.R.: HE’S GOING FOR IT!

DESPITE HIS JAW BEING SPLIT IN TWO, LIFE STILL BURNS IN IMPIOUS’ EYES AND HE COUNTERS THE BEARHUG SET-UP FOR THE DRIVER AND SLAMS HIS PALM RIGHT IN HANDSOMUS’ FACE!

W.W.: HE’S GOING FOR HIS FINISHER! WHATEVER IT’S CALLED!

KRCK! IMPIOUS’ RIBS TURN TO DUST AS HANDSOMUS COUNTERS THE COUNTER WITH A RAWKRA-ENERGIZED FIST. Impious is SENT FLYING INTO THE PONDEROSA PINE FOREST FROM THE INTENSE BLOW as HANDSOMUS FALLS DOWN FIFTEEN FEET BEFORE CRUSHING A FEW FANS!

J.R.: What an intense series of blows! HANDSOMUS seems to be winning this match but now his opponent is gone! With no count out in this match, will Handsomus wait for Impious to return or chase after him?!

OF COURSE CHASE AFTER HIM. HANDSOMUS DUSTS HIMSELF OFF, POPS HIS SHOULDER BACK IN PLACE, AND TRUDGES UP THE PATH TO THE FOREST AS A FEW RETARDED FANS FOLLOW.

W.W.: WHERE THE FUCK IS IMPIOUS? IS HE TRYING TO RUN?

Handsomus approaches a shattered tree with blood sprinkled around it, obviously where Impious crashed. Follow the footsteps and random bits of blood, he stalks slowly through pushes, careful to monitor his surroundings.

J.R.: Impious may not be running! He may be laying a trap!

After minutes of unsuccessful tracking, HANDSOMUS hears a noise in the DISTANCE. HE PICKS UP HIS PACE and sees a BUSH nearby SHAKING SLIGHTLY. As he approaches it, a FOOT LANDS IN VIEW OF THE CAMERA ON A TREE BRANCH HIGH ABOVE HANDSOMUS. AWESOME CAREFULLY PULLS BACK THE BRANCHES OF THE BUSH TO REVEAL … THE GODFATHER!

W.W.: THE GODFATHER?!

WITH TEARS RUNNING DOWN HIS CHEEKS AND BLOOD AND VOMIT SPILLING FROM HIS LIPS, HANDSOMUS PULLS THE BUSH BRANCHES FURTHER TO REVEAL THE GODFATHER HAS BEEN DISEMBOWLED!

“WHAT?!” HANDSOMUS SAYS! AND JUST THEN, A SNARE MADE FROM THE GODFATHER’S INTESTINES IS JERKED FROM THE DIRT AND WRAPS AROUND HANDSOMUS’ LEG! HANDSOMUS IS SENT SOARING INTO THE AIR, HANGING UPSIDE DOWN.

J.R.: IMPIOUS HAS GOT ‘EM HANGING’ LIKE A JACKRABBIT!

W.W.: GODFATHER, A NOTORIOUS JOBBER, MUST HAVE BEEN TRYING TO PIN IMPIOUS, FOLLOWING THE BRAND!

AND ON THAT BRANCH STANDS IMPIOUS, SHROUDED IN SHADOWS. A BOW MADE FROM BONES WITH STRINGS OF SINEW HAS BEEN JAMMED INTO IMPIOUS’ STUMP. TAKING A QUICKLY SHARPENED BONE ARROW AGAINST THE STRINGS, IMPIOUS PULLS BACK AND FIRES! AS HANDSOMUS CUTS HIMSELF FREE, HE FALLS AND THE ARROW MISSES ITS INTENDED TARGET BUT STRIKES HANDSOMUS IN THE FUCKING CHEST!

J.R.: BAH GAWD! HANDSOMUS HAS BEEN IMPALED WITH ONE OF THE GODFATHER’S BONES!

Handsomus HITS THE COLD DIRT and yanks out the arrow in his chest. UNFORTUNATELY FOR HANDSOMUS, it was deeper than he thought and the BLEEDING WON’T BE EASY TO STOP. Worst yet, HANDSOMUS LOOKS UP TO SEE IMPIOUS HAS VANISHED!

W.W.: Although Handsomus may perhaps be the better fighter overall, THIS IS IMPIOUS’ ELEMENT, GUERILLA WARFARE!

HANDSOMUS digs his FINGERS INTO THE BARK OF A TREE and PULLS OF A SIZEABLE CHUNK, WRAPPING THE ENTIRE THING AROUND HIS BODY TO COVER THE WOUND AND BINDS THE ENDS WITH SAP.

“This is no longer a fight,” Handsomus thinks to himself as he DASHES FROM TREE TO TREE, trying to stay out of IMPIOUS SIGHT. “This is a hunt! I’m going to have to KILL THIS MAN!”

He looks down the hill and spots the fans at the edge of the forest, watching. It’s several hundred yards away from his guitar, strapped to the back of his space stallion. He is going to have to call it.

AS HANDSOMUS STEPS OUT INTO THE OPEN, SIX OF THE GODFATHER’S RIBS ARE FLUNG AT HIGH SPEEDS, JAMMING THEMSELVES IN HANDSOMUS’ BACK! HANDSOMUS SPITS UP BLOOD AND STUMBLES THROUGH THE GRASS, DIVING DOWN A CLIFF AND HIDING IN SOME BUSHES.

“But Impious is too good! If I call for my horse, he’ll find my location!” Handsomus thinks as he yanks out the ribs jammed in his back, “And further down that very hill the cover is sparse. I’d never make it.”

HANDSOMUS, REMOVING THE LAST BONE, CHARGES PAST THE TREES. AS HE DASHES FORWARD, A FIGURE IS RACING TOWARDS HIM, SWINGING ON A ROPE! HEARING THE BRANCH STRAIN, HANDSOMUS SPINS AROUND AT THE LAST SECOND!

”IMPIOOOUUUSS!” HE SHOUTS, HURLING A FIST FORWARD. AS THE FIST CONNECTS, HE NOTICES IT’S NOT IMPIOUS AT ALL, BUT RATHER VAL VENIS! AND VAL VENIS IS FUCKING DEAD, HIS BODY MUTILATED AND ALL HIS BONES BROKEN AND JUTTING THROUGH HIS FLESH, THE POINTS SHARPENED. THE RAWKRA HAS NO EFFECT ON DEAD FLESH SO VENIS SLAMS INTO HIM LIKE A GIANT, HUMAN MACE!

J.R.: BAAAAAAH GAWD!! BAAH GAWD!!

W.W.: HOW MANY SHITTY WRESTLERS IS IMPIOUS GOING TO MURDER JUST TO WIN THIS MATCH?!

HIS BODY LITTERED WITH HOLES, HANDSOMUS IS FLUNG INTO A TREE AND IS SENT THROUGH IT. He continues to roll down the hill, blood leaking from HIS WOUNDS before falling into a RIVER.

J.R.: Handsomus could be dead, folks!

IMPIOUS LEAPS FROM TREE TO TREE, WEARING THE SEWN-TOGETHER SKULL FRAGMENTS OF THE ENTIRETY OF KAIENTAI AS A HELMET, THEIR JAP FACES STILL CLINGING TO THE BONE. COVERED IN MUD, BLOOD, BRUSH, AND LEAVES, IMPIOUS FOLLOWS HANDSOMUS’ TRAIL.

“Fuck …” Handsomus thinks to himself as the river carries him along the rocky bed, “He’s going to kill me. Starstruck … I can’t beat Impious without Starstruck.”

A HAND PLUNGES UP FROM THE WATER. IMPIOUS HEARS THE SPLASH AND HEADS FOR THAT DIRECTION.

“So it that what he’s doing,” Impious mutters, hopping from tree branch to tree branch, “He’s going for his guitar! Hah, where’s your honor now, Handsomus!”

LOOKING DOWN, HE SEES HANDSOMUS STUMBLING FROM THE WATER, HEADING TOWARDS THE GROUP OF FANS.

“YOU LOSE, HANDSOMUS!” IMPIOUS SNEERS, PULLING BACK THE STRINGS OF HIS BOW!

J.R.: WAIT, IS THAT HANDSOMUS?! HE’S COMING OUT OF THE FOREST!

“DIE!” IMPIOUS FIRES THE GODDAMNED BONE BOW AND LAUNCHES THE GODFATHER’S RAZOR-SHARP SPINE DIRECTLY AT HANDSOMUS. THE ARROW WHISTLES THROUGH THE AIR AS IT CLOSES IN ON ITS TARGET. HANDSOMUS TURNS HIS HEAD JUST IN TIME TO SEE THE FUCKING ARROW PLUNGE THROUGH HIS GODDAMN THROAT AND CONTINUES OUT THE BACK OF HIS NECK!! A TORRENT OF BLOOD SPRAYS OUT OF THE HOLES AS HANDSOMUS FUCKING DIES!

W.W.: FUJFIKAFNJO!

J.R.: GAAWDNJ BNAAH GAWD!!

AS HANDSOMUS FALLS BACKWARDS, GREY MATTER SPILLING THROUGH THE AIR, HANDSOMUS’ SUNGLASSES SLIP OFF HIS FACE REVEALING THAT IT’S NOT HANDSOMUS AT ALL!!

W.W.: WHAAT?!

”I … just wanted … a souvenir …” THE FAN MUTTERS BEFORE GODDAMN DYING! IT WAS A TRICK! IT WAS JUST A FAN ALL ALONG!

“IT CAN’T BE … !!” IMPIOUS SAYS AS HIS LEG IS SHATTERED BY HANDSOMUS BIG BOOT. IMPIOUS FALLS FROM THE TREES AND CRASH LANDS IN THE GROUND, BOUNCING OFF THE DIRT. HANDSOMUS LANDS BEHIND HIM WITH NO CLOTHES EXCEPT FOR A DRAGONSKIN LOINCLOTH AND A BODY COVERED IN MUD AND BLOOD.

W.W.: HANDSOMUS!!

“How … how did you find me …” IMPIOUS GRIMACES, IS RIGHT LEG SHATTERED IN THREE PLACES.

“This guy,” HANDSOMUS HOLDS UP JUVENTUD GUERRERO BY HIS NECK. THE SMALL MEXICAN STRUGGLES AND PISSES HIS PANTS. “He can sense the brand of the jobber. That’s a scent that beats all others.”

“T-Then why didn’t … you … get your guitar?” Impious asks through clenched teeth.

“Yes, I could kill you with this guitar. I could blow this forest away with rocking guitar riffs until there wasn’t a tree left. But that would leave me feeling empty inside …” Handsomus points at all the wounds caused by Impious. “You’re a strong opponent to push me this far, Impious. We’ll continue this duel … like men!”

J.R.: BAH GAWD!

IMPIOUS SLAMS HIS FIST INTO HIS LEG, KNOCKING THE BONE FRAGMENTS TOGETHER JUST WELL ENOUGH SO HE CAN STAND. HANDSOMUS LIFTS UP A HAND AND BECKONS FOR HIM TO COME FORWARD.

IMPIOUS SPRINGS FORWARD, UNLEASHING HELLISH PUNCHES WITH HIS GOOD ARM. HANDSOMUS BLOCKS AND IS SENT SLIDING THROUGH THE MUD INTO A TREE. IMPIOUS THROWS A UNHOLY ROUNDHOUSE AT HANDSOMUS’ SKULL BUT AWESOME DUCKS IN TIME, THE TREE BEHIND HIM CLEANLY CUT IN TWO!

J.R.: FROM A BRAWL TO A HUNT TO A BRAWL! THESE TWO CAN’T GO ON MUCH LONGER AT THIS PACE!

THE TWO TRADE VICIOUS BLOWS AS THEY CLIMB HIGHER AND HIGHER THROUGH THE FOREST, FISTS AND FEET BURYING INTO TREES AND SHATTERING THE WOOD. EVENTUALLY THEY BREAK FROM THE FOREST AND APPROACH MOUNT RUSHMORE ITSELF, THE END OF THE TRAIL. IMPIOUS STUMBLES BACKWARDS FROM A BLOW ONTO THE EDGE OF A CLIFF OVERLOOKING RUSHMORE, HIS BACK SLAMMING INTO ONE OF THOSE BINOCULAR THINGS AND KNOCKING IT OVER THE EDGE.

“D-DAMNIT! Even after all that … HE’S STILL SO STRONG!” IMPIOUS CURSES AS THE TWO CONTINUE TITANTIC BLOWS ON THE CLIFF’S EDGE. BLOOD SPRAYS AND LANDS ON THE DIRT AS FIST CLASHES WITH FLESH.

J.R.: WHAT A SLOBBERKNOCKER!

W.W.: THAT’S MORE THAN SLOBBER, J.R.!

BLOOD SQUIRTS FROM THE NUMEROUS HOLES ON HANDSOMUS BODY. WITH EACH FIST, IMPIOUS CAN FEEL THE BONE FRAGMENTS RATTLING AROUND INSIDE HIS FLESH.

IMPIOUS GRABS HANDSOMUS BY THE HAIR AND SLAMS HIM FACE FIRST INTO THE GRAVEL. HANDSOMUS SLAMS A FIST INTO THE ROCK, SENDING STONE SHRAPNEL INTO IMPIOUS’ EYES. IMPIOUS STUMBLES AND HANDSOMUS UNLEASHES A TORRENT OF PUNCHES ONTO HIS FRAME, GRINDING HIS RIBS UNTIL THEY ARE NO LONGER THERE.

“FUCK THIS!” IMPIOUS THINKS, “FUCK THIS!!”

HE STEPS BACK ON SLOW MOTION, REELING TOWARDS THE EDGE OF THE CLIFF, HIS FEET SLIPPING THROUGH THE MUDDIED DIRT (MUDDIED WITH BLOOD!) HE CRACKS A FIST AGAINST HANDSOMUS CHEEK, CRACKING IT BUT NOT DOING ENOUGH TO STOP HIS PURSUIT!

“I WON’T DIE HERE!” IMPIOUS THINKS, “I HAVE TO BEAT THIS MAN!”

A MIGHTY HOOK FROM IMPIOUS CAUSES HANDSOMUS TO SLUMP DOWN BUT ONLY FOR A SECOND! HANDSOMUS SPRINGS BACK UP AND DRIVES A KNEE INTO HIS GUT!

“THOSE JOBBERS! THOSE FAIRLY IRRITATING JOBBERS! IF I DON’T BEAT HIM … I CAN’T GET THE BELT! AND IF I CAN’T GET THE BELT … THEN …”

THE IMAGE OF THE HART FOUNDATION LOOMING OVER HIM. HANDSOMUS BUSTS OPEN HIS FACE WITH AN UPPERCUT.

“THEN ...”

IMPIOUS WADES THROUGH AN OCEAN OF BLOOD. HANDSOMUS SHATTERS THE ELBOW ON HIS KNUB ARM.

“THEN … !!”

THE GOLD MASK OF ARSCHLOCH RISES UP FROM THE HELLISH WATERS, TAUNTING HIM!!

“ARSCHLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCH!!!” IMPIOUS SCREAMS BLOOD INTO HANDSOMUS’ FUCKING FACE!!

J.R.: BAAAH GAWD!! HE’S-

BLOOD AND STEAM AND ALL SORTS OF MANLY SHIT SHOOT OFF FROM BEHIND IMPIOUS BODY AS HE GOES IN FOR HIS FINISHER, HIS HAND OUTSTRETCHED.

“IMPIOUUSSSSSSS!!” HANDSOMUS SCREAMS, HURLING HIMSELF FORWARD!

W.W.: SHIITITNHAITA!

THE TWO FIGURES FLY AT EACH OTHER LIKE METEORS!

“GRAAAAAAAAAGH!!” IMPIOUS FIRES HIS HAND FORWARD FOR HIS FINISHER, WHATEVER THE FUCK IT’S CALLED! THE HAND CLASPS AROUND HANDSOMUS FACE IN SLOW MOTION! THE PALM CRACKS HANDSOMUS’ SUNGLASSES AGAINST HIS EYES!

BUT HANDSOMUS DUCKS DOWN!! HIS FOOT BURIES ITSELF ANKLE DEEP IN THE GODDAMNED DIRT, STEADYING HIMSELF! HANDSOMUS PUTS ALL HIS WEIGHT INTO HIS SHOULDER, ALL 500 POUNDS, AND FIRES FORWARD! IT’S THE ASTRAL SHOULDER!

“D-Damnit!” IMPIOUS THINKS. HE TRIES TO CROUCH DOWN TO COUNTER BUT HIS DAMAGED LEG WON’T ALLOW IT, IT ONLY SQUIRTS BLOOD IN RESPONSE!! HE GRIMACES AS HIS FIST SAILS OVER TOP OF HANDSOMUS HEAD! A FISSURE OPENS UP BEHIND HANDSOMUS’ FOOT AS HE LAUNCHES FORWARD, BURYING HIS SHOULDER INTO IMPIOUS’ CHEST!

“DAMNIT IT ALLLL!!!”

BOOOOM!! A BASEBALL SIZED INDENTATION IS ETCHED IN IMPIOUS’ STERNUM AS A SCREAM ESCAPES HIS LIPS. HE IS SENT ROCKETING TOWARDS MOUNT RUSHMORE, CRASHING INTO GEORGE WASHINGTON’S NOSE AND SHATTERING IT, BURYING HIMSELF WITHIN THE MOUNTAIN!

J.R.: ASTRAL SHOULDER! IMPIOUS IS … DEAD!!

IMPIOUS RAISES HIS HEAD FORWARD FROM HIS STONE COFFIN, TWITCHING. HE LIFTS UP HIS SHATTERED ARM AND HOLDS IT UP TO HANDSOMUS IN THE DISTANCE. HANDSOMUS IS KNEELING ON THE GROUND, BARELY ABLE TO HOLD HIMSELF UP.

IMPIOUS’ ARM CLENCHES INTO A FIST AND A TORRENT OF BLOOD RUSHES FROM HIS GULLET! EVERY LAST DROP OF HIS FUCKING BLOOD SHOOTS OUT OF HIS GODDAMN FACE AS HE DEFLATES! HIS EYES ROLL INTO THE BACK OF HIS HEAD AS WASHINGTON’S FACE CRACKS AROUND HIM. ON CUE WITH IMPIOUS THE FORMER PRICK’S DEATH, THE FUCKING FACE OF GEORGE WASHINGTON SHATTERS AND FORMS INTO A NEW FACE: THAT OF HANDSOMUS R. AWESOME!!

Handsomus weeps a single tear and gives the thumbs up for no reason.

J.R.: BASAAAHHH GAAWWAAADH!!

W.W.: IMPIOUS IS DEAD! IMPIOUS IS DEAD! HE IS MOTHERFUCKING DEAD!!

J.R.: HANDSOMUS WINS! HE’S THE #1 CONTENDER! FUCK!

1. Ant King: 4120 points.
2. Guan Fei: 2145 points.
3. Handsomus: 1780 points.
4. John Baines: 1460 points
5. The Illusionist: 940 points.
6. Hard'Rok: 820 points
7. Robert McCoy: 120 points.
8. "That Man": 100 points.
9. Impious: D/Q
10. My Head Hurts 90: D/Q
11. Bin Destruction: D/Q
12. Jonesie the Merciless: D/Q
13. Arakaki Bunzo: D/Q
14. Puff Ryder: D/Q
15. Grizzly Man: D/Q
16. Beekeeper: D/Q
17. "Red Hot" Rodney Austin: D/Q
18. Terry Bogard: D/Q
19. Kaiser Fuckface: D/Q
20. Toronto Man Machine: D/Q
Yogurtman
Odin
Joined: 03 Jan 2007
Posts: 2248
(Fri Feb 23, 2007 2:01 am)
Reply

Post     Re: FTUW'S DEATH RACE 2007 (#20)

“Yes, there’s only one thing left to do …” “That Man” speaks into a walkie talkie inside his shadowy van.

“I hope you don’t let your feelings get in the way of your mission,” Darren Drozdov’s repeatedly pierced lips speak on the other end.

“He and I … have unfinished business …” ‘That Man’ replies before CRUSHING the WALKIE TALKIE in his hand like a badass for no reason.

***

J.R.: HERE WE ARE FOLKS! THE LAST LEG OF THE RACE! Only a handful of superstars have made it this far, with HALF of our FUCKING ROSTER DYING during the course of this event. Considering that, I don’t think the financial future of the FTUW is too bright BUT I’M TOO PUMPED TO GIVE A SHIT! Warrior and I will be following along from the SKIES in the ROCK-CHOPPER, Viscerape’s personal helicopter shaped like a guitar with the propeller blades designed to look like the necks of guitars. Of course, due to their unfair imprisonment, they don’t need it anymore so me and Warrior are borrowing it to bring you every gory detail as these men RACE FOR THE BELT! You ready, WARRIOR?

W.W.: Ant King is leading by 2000 points, Jim, but we all know that ONE WRONG MOVE and he could die and be sent to AMERICAN HEAVEN. I used to think the ANT KING was INVINCIBLE, but with such rampant death and destruction today, I THINK ANYONE COULD DIE!

J.R.: Ant King, Handsomus, Guan Fei, and John Baines. These are the four men leading the pack and any of these men are expected to win the belt. ANT KING and GUAN FEI in particular are the most favored contestants and those two have a DEEP, BITTER RIVALRY. Considering their history, I think it might be safe to say that ONE OF THEM ISN’T SURVIVING THIS RACE! Now, let’s go to Junior Bruce Jr. who’s interviewing the champ!

Junior: GUAN FEI! GUAN FEI! THE TITAN FROM TAIWAN! THE BEAST FROM THE EAST! GUAN FEI! Ripped up, wiped out, battered, shattered, creamed, and reamed! Guan Fei KILLED HIS WAY to the BELT and he’s been SWIMMING UPSTREAM through a RIVER OF BLOOD to hold onto it! Loved by thousands, hated by millions! GUAN FEI! What is your strategy for the final stage?! How are you going to keep your title?!

Guan Fei, covered in cuts and bruises from the intense race, sits on his steed and strokes his beard, contemplating the question. After a few seconds, he turns to his interviewer.

“I’m not going to keep my title,” Guan Fei tells him matter-of-factly.

Junior: NOT KEEPING YOUR TITLE?! GUAN FEI … GIVING UP? Say it ain’t so!

“I’ve held this title since Extreme Hardcore and there hasn’t been a single fighter that could snatch this title from me,” Fei replies, “I’ve grown bored of it. Once this race ends, I’ll relinquish the belt.”

Junior: IS GUAN FEI GOING TO RETIRE FROM THE ULTIMATE SPORT?!

“I have proven myself strongest in the world. Once this section of the race begins, I will be killing every last FTUW superstar until there isn’t a single one left. Crushing them under my feet will mean more to me than any title.”

Junior: WOW!! You heard it here first, boys and girls! Guan Fei is going to murder until there ain’t nobody left to murder! Back to you, J.R.!

W.W.: THAT ARROGANT CHINKFUCK.

J.R.: Bold words but can he back them up? Like Warrior has said, Ant King himself is no pushover, neither is the other superstars except like Robert McCoy and the Illusionist. But enough talk, the race is about to begin!

Alfonse Lightning stands amongst the racers, holding a pistol above his head. Then he lowers it and shoots a fan in the face, signifying the start of the race!

W.W.: YEAAAAH! HERE WE FUCKING GO!!

THE FINAL RACERS BLAST OFF FROM THE STARTING LINE, LEAVING A CLOUD OF DUST AND STEAM AND AWESOMENESS BEHIND THEM.

J.R.: GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

THE FINAL SUPERSTARS RACE TOWARDS LAS VEGAS, NECK AND NECK, WITH NO ONE DROPPING IN SPEED. WITHIN SECONDS AFTER THE START OF RACE, THE ROAD IS BATHED IN BRIGHT, YELLOW LIGHT!

W.W.: FUCK?

A GIGANTIC BALL OF EXPLODING FIRE SOARS DOWN FROM THE SKY AND CRASHES INTO THE ROAD IN FRONT OF THE RACERS, BATHING EVERYTHING IN FLAMES.

J.R.: BAAAAH GAWWD!! A METEOR?!

“AIYEEEEEEEEEEEE!” THE ILLUSIONIST SCREAMS, DUCKING INTO THE BACKSEAT.

“Hurry! ACTIVATE THE SELTZER SPRAYER in the GRILL OF YOUR CAR!” the Dilettante shouts!

“I’M A MAGICIAN, NOT A FUCKING CLOWN!”

W.W.: NO! OH GOD … IT’S … !

BARON HOITY VON TOITY’S PRIVATE ZEPELLIN! IT HAS CRASHED AND BURNED RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD!

J.R.: THAT’S TOITY’S VESSEL! WHAT THE SHIT IS HAPPENING HERE?!

THE RACERS DON’T EVEN GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THE FLAMING ZEPELLIN! THEY ALL FUCKING FLY OVER THE FLAMES LIKE ULTRA BADASSES, LEAVING IT IN THE DUST AS THEY HEAD FOR LAS VEGAS!

J.R.: While the FTUW staff tries to figure out what happened, we’ll continue our COVERAGE OF THE RACE. We need to be brave in times like this.

W.W.: Shit! JOHN BAINES and HARD’ROK ARE ALREADY CLASHING!

JOHN BAINES, ON HIS CRYSTAL HORSE, RIDES UP BESIDE THE GOTHBUGGY AND BEGINS KICKING THE SHIT OUT OF IT. Hard’Rok seems uninterested, his GOTH LEVEL reaching NEW HEIGHTS ever since his girlfriend, Gigi, broke up with him. His USUAL PURPLE SKIN has grown so pale it’s almost white. Dark rings form around his eyes, accentuating his HAUNTING GAZE! Also, his fingernails turn black but Hard’Rok already paints his fingers black so it doesn’t matter.

However, she still sits in the back and acts as navigator, creating an awkward silence between the two. Which is promptly interrupted as John Baines stomps the shit out of the Subaru Brat like a dick.

“Life is so absurd … so meaningless … “ Hard’Rok sighs to himself as BAINES kicks the holy shit out of the side of his car like an asshole.

“We’ve been broken up for like 10 minutes, Rokky.”

“I’M SORRY, I’m sitting in the ‘NO-BITCH ZONE’ so I can’t hear you. Up here in the No-Bitch zone,” Hard’Rok replies, holding back tears.

W.W.: There’s a lot of miserable people in the FTUW.

J.R.: Perhaps there’s a correlation.

W.W.: That doesn’t make any sense. They get to MURDER PEOPLE and they don’t get in trouble!

SPEAKING OF MISERY, ROBERT MCCOY is being dragged by his ROBOTIC LIFE SUPPORT SYSTEM, the MACHINE STOMPING DOWN THE HIGHWAY TOWARDS THE GOAL. McCoy, his head attached to the now dead body of Rod (his ex-wife’s husband), dangles helplessly from the machine as Thomas urges him on, the spirit on his son seemingly attached to the vehicle.

“We can win this, Dad! You can be champion!” the voice of his son echoes inside his head. Robert McCoy’s expression of defeat is unwavering.

”But how? They are all too strong. Guan Fei, Handsomus, Ant King …”

“We’ll just have to kill them, Dad!”

“Kill … them … ?”

“We’ll take everything they’ve taken from you. We’ll show them … true suffering …”

“True … suffering …” a small smile forms on McCoy’s near lifeless face.

HANDSOMUS GALLOPS FORTH ON HIS SPACE STALLION. Ahead he sees THE ANT KING and GUAN FEI side by side. As he stares on, his VISION BEGINS TO BLUR and he begins to feel FAINT. Jerking his head upwards, he snaps out of it, but the trembling in his hands tells him he’s lost too much blood. He wonders how long he can hold out.

“You know, this is the final leg of the race,” the Dilettante tells the Illusionist, “You might actually have a shot at this.”

“Hahh … hahh … what am I even doing here?” the Illusionist sits nestled in a fetal position in the backseat, “I’m just a magician! I’m no … RACE CAR DRIVER GUY!”

“Is that really who you think you are?” the Dilettante says through a mouth full of cheetos.

”I’m not big and strong like those guys … I mean, this isn’t my destiny …”

“Destiny? This IS your destiny! There’s a warrior’s heart burning inside you!” the Dilettante points an orange finger at the Illusionist. “Terra had to come to terms with the power inside of her, WHO SHE TRULY WAS, and you must do the same.”

”Why?”

”To save the world, of course!” the Dilettante snorts, “That’s what all the cool guys anime do.”

“Save … the world?” the Illusionist raises his head as Rodney Dangercar barrels down the road.

The GOTHMOBILE and George Washington’s CRYSTAL HORSE CRASH through an ELECTRIC BILLBOARD as they have SEEMINGLY FOUND THEMSELVES racing on top of the ROOFS of CASINOS after ramping off one of those car carrier things or whatever.

“So meaningless … so absurd … why do I even bother to live?” Hard’Rok announces dramatically before a FOOT CRASHES THROUGH his DRIVER SIDE WINDOW and KICKS HIM IN THE FACE. “HOLY SHIT! This asshole is trying to kill me!”

“Yeah, I’m really kicking the shit out of this guy’s car but I’m not going crazy like last time,” Baines says as he drives his foot over and over into the steel of the Gothmobile.

“The power of MURDERFUCK can’t be obtained so easily. Unfortunately, for you, it seems like you’ll have to be in mortal danger to obtain it,” Washington replies.

“Gigi, honey, since you’re just laying back there and not doing anything, could you please come up here and drive the car so I can save our lives. You know, since you’re not doing anything,” Hard’Rok says.

“I thought that was the No-Bitch Zone,” she replies.

“I’ll make YOU the NO-BITCH-AGH, fuck, JUST DO IT,” HARD’ROK climbs out of his modified Subaru Brat and climbs on top, carrying a chair with him.

“Hey! Stop kicking my car, dick!” Hard’Rok points his chair at Baines, who responds by standing on the back of the CRYSTAL HORSE.

“Fuck you, faggot!” Baines retorts.

“God, I’m not a faggot, this is just how I dress,” Hard’Rok replies, “I have a girlfriend!”

“Ex-girlfriend,” Gigi says.

“He didn’t know that!” Hard’Rok,” Man, forget this! Die, John Baines!”

HARD’ROK SLAMS DOWN a CHAIRSHOT LEVEL 1 onto BAINES’ FOREARMS, Baines using them to BLOCK the ATTACK. Baines continues bashing his BONE against the STEEL until the CHAIR EXPLODES. Then another. AND ANOTHER. Soon, Hard’Rok’s reserve of furniture has been completely tapped!

“Gigi! To the nearest high school gymnasium!” Hard’Rok orders.

“We’re on the LAS VEGAS strip. There’s no way I can find one,” she replies.

“Women drivers, huh?” Hard’Rok turns to John Baines and smiles before getting punched in the fucking face. HE SLIDES OFF THE GOTHMOBILE BUT GRABS onto the DOOR, hanging over the edge of a roof as the TWO VEHICLES BURST through another BILLBOARD, SENDING SPARKS FLYING.

‘ROK pulls himself to the top of the Gothmobile just to get kicked in the face again. AGAIN HE CLIMBS and BAINES JUST HAULS OFF AND STOMPS HIS FACE. Blood squirts from his JAW as he hangs from the GOTHMOBILE with one finger.

“ROKKY, there’s an emergency chair hidden under the car! Grab it!” GIGI SHOUTS. HARD’ROK LOOKS, AND SURE ENOUGH, A YELLOW CHAIR with “EMERGENCY” PAINTED ON IT IS TAPED UNDER THE CAR. HE SNATCHES AND SWINGS IT TOWARDS BAINES, BUT IT ACCIDENTLY SLIPS OUT OF HIS HANDS!

“NO!” HARD’ROK SHOUTS AS THE CHAIR IS SLOWLY THROWN AT JOHN BAINES. BAINES SNATCHES IT AND RAISES IT ABOVE HIS HEAD.

“Having a chair gimmick is kind of dumb, you know,” John Baines says as he prepares to CRUSH HARD’ROK’S HEAD IN.

“Says you …” Hard’Rok mutters. AS GOTHMOBILE AND CRYSTAL HORSE CRASH THROUGH ANOTHER ELECTRIC SIGN AND THE METAL CHAIR IN BAINES’ HANDS ACTS A CONDUCTOR FOR OVER 10,000 VOLTS THAT ELECTROCUTE MCGUINESS!

“GRAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!” BAINES SCREAMS AS HIS SHIRT BURSTS INTO FLAMES AND RANDOM PARTS OF SKIN IGNITES. Hard’Rok pulls himself on top of the Gothmobile smiling.

“I hope that didn’t come as a ‘shock’ to you,” Hard’Rok quips.

“God, that’s exactly why I broke up with you,” Gigi says.

***

MEANWHILE, the OTHER RACERS continue RAPING THROUGH VEGAS. McCoy’s LIFE SUPPORT MACHINE breaks away from the PACK and explodes into the MIRAGE HOTEL and CASINO. The FOUR-LEGGED MACHINE DRAGS the lifeless feet of MCCOY along the ground as IT EXPLODES THROUGH SLOT MACHINES. THE LEGS CRUSH DOWN on RANDOM GAMBLERS, exploding their GUTS EVERYWHERE as it charges into the SPORTS BETTING ROOM. It begins SMASHING random guys who are betting on DEATH RACE. As their BLOOD SPILLS ALONG THE GROUND, a PREHENSILE IV dips into the blood. Once it finds a suitable type, it BEGINS A TRANSFUSION into McCoy’s body.

“W-What are you doing, Thomas?” MCCOY COMMUNICATES WITH HIS SON VIA TELEPATHY or something.

“I’m getting you stronger, Dad!” the voice of his son echoes in his head, “We gotta get you strong so you can take the belt!” THE MACHINE RUNS ALONG and STOMPS A FLEEING WOMAN, SPRAYING HER GUTS EVERYWHERE. It tears open the CORPSE and SUCKS UP SOME MORE BLOOD.

“It’s the only way we can show the FTUW true suffering!”


ELSEWHERE, HANDSOMUS’ SPACE STALLION BITES A CHUNK OUT THE FUCKING ANTMOBILE and SPITS THE HUNK RIGHT INTO ANT KING’S FACE. Ant King FIRES BACK with a PISTOL but the SPACE STALLION’S MIGHTY HIDE is able to WITHSTAND THE BULLETS. The Illusionist WATCHES ALL OF THIS while peering over the BACKSEAT HEADREST of THE SLEIGH(T) OF HAND.

“So I can be a HERO?” the Illusionist asks. The Dilettante bites into a hoagie and nods.

“Yes, lots of great heroes were total losers when they first started out,” the Dilettante responds with bits of ham on his chin, “But it was the courage they had that allowed them to change themselves, to BECOME heroes!”

“Yes … courage,” the Illusionist says with renewed vigor, flexing his PC muscle to stop the steady stream of urine staining his black slacks, “I can become someone strong. Like Spider-Man.”

“ACTUALLY, Spider-Man got his powers from a radioactive spider. The situation isn’t similar.”

“But … courage can make me become a hero?”

“Yes. And then you’ll be able to get a girl to have sex with you,” the Dilettante exhales through his nose with a grin.

“Let me tell ya,” Rodney Dangercar’s voice emanates from the speakers, “during sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.”

“I can do this! I can do THIS!” the Illusionist clenches a fist. The Dilettante leans over and puts a pudgy hand on his shoulder.

“WE can do this!” he smiles. Then a fucking spear BURSTS THROUGH HIS FACE.

J.R.: WE CAN SEE BLOOD, FOLKS! Guan Fei nailed someone in the Illusionist’s vehicle!

“OHHH GAAAAWD!” THE ILLUSIONIST SCREAMS as BLOOD SPRAYS ALL OVER THE WINDSHIELD as a SPEARHEAD JUTS OUT OF THE DILLETANTE’S FACE. With a “THWOCK” SOUND, the SPEAR is PULLED OUT and the Dilettante’s lifeless body slumps down on the dashboard.

“Geez, and I thought I was dying,” Rodney Dangercar says.
“OH GOD, I’m going to DIE!” the ILLUSIONIST screams as he pisses more. THE SPEAR SLAMS THROUGH THE ROOF, BARELY MISSING HIS HEAD.

“He’s a tricky one,” Guan Fei strokes his beard, “Good thing I brought every weapon in China with me.”

“YOU GOTTA GET US OUTTA HERE!” HE SHOUTS at the RADIO. Another SPEAR PIERCES THROUGH THE ROOF, slamming through the windshield. AND ANOTHER. AND ANOTHER. None have hit THE ILLUSIONIST but he’s PINNED DOWN, unable to move.

“OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD,” THE ILLUSIONIST WHIMPERS UNTIL HE HEARS A VOICE IN HIS HEAD.

“But it was the courage they had that allowed them to change themselves, to BECOME heroes!”

“I CAN DO THIS!” HE SHOUTS, ROLLING DOWN THE REAR DRIVER-SIDE WINDOW as another SPEAR CRASHES INTO THE CAR. He takes his HAT OFF and RAISES IT OUT OF THE WINDOW. Guan Fei watches as a TORRENT OF BIRDS, RABBITS, FLOWERS AND PLAYING CARDS FLY HIS WAY.

“I CAN DO IT!”

Mecha-African Dream crushes the rabbits under its metallic hooves as IT DEVOURS the birds. Guan Fei picks the cards and petals out of his beard with a grimace.

“How dare he throw that assortment of items at me,” Guan Fei grumbles before tossing another spear. THE SPEAR TEARS through the METAL of the SLEIGH(T) of HAND EASILY, stabbing THE ILLUSIONIST IN THE ARM!

“AGH! I WISH I WASN’T HERE! I WISH I WAS SOMEWHERE ELSE!” THE ILLUSIONIST CRIES.

“That’s what my wife says during sex,” Rodney Dangercar adds.

“I CAN’T DO THIS! I WISH I WASN’T HERE! I WISH I WASN’T HERE!” HE CLOSES HIS EYES, ROCKING BACK AND FORTH IN HIS SEAT, “I WISH I WASN’T HERE! I WISH I WASN’T-“

The Illusionist stops when the sounds of engines suddenly becomes muted. In fact, he can’t hear a thing. Opening his eyes, he still finds himself in the car with the dead Dilettante and spears piercing the frame. However, looking outside his window he sees nothing. Nothing but pure white as far as he can see.

“W-What the hell …” the Illusionist leans outside the window. Even below him is nothing but whiteness. His endless handkerchief slides out of his coat pocket and falls into the void, dropping until it fades from sight.

“I’m gone … I’m gone … it worked,” the Illusionist mutters, looking at his hands, “I … DISAPPEARED.”

J.R.: HE VANISHED! THE ENTIRE SLEIGH(T) OF HAND VANISHED in a POOF of PURPLE SMOKE. Have you seen anything like that, Warrior?

W.W.: No, but I saw a guy flying a plane with wings made out of sand, so honestly this doesn’t impress me.

“ABRACADABRA! Take me to my home!” the Illusionist shouts but nothing happens. He continues this for nearly an hour before breaking into tears, then trying again for another 10 minutes before bursting into tears once more.

“Oh God, I’m stuck here in this nothingness forever!” the Illusionist cries, “I’ll be alone forever.”

“Being alone, let me tell ya,” Rodney Dangercar says, “When I played Hide & Seek as a kid, they wouldn’t even look for me!”

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!” Illusionist screams.

***

J.R.: And now there’s four racers leaving Las Vegas! The Illusionist has vanished into THIN AIR, John Baines passed out and crashed his crystal horse, and McCoy is continuing to ravage through the casinos, murdering innocents! McCoy seems to be favoring getting points then finishing first. But if he doesn’t cross the finish line by morning, he’ll lose!

W.W.: Ant King is leading the pack. YEAAAAH, I CAN FEEL IT. NEW CHAMPION.

Hard’Rok pulls the GOTHBUGGY v. II.0 up beside Handsomus on his SPACE STALLION.

“Hey Handsomus, what’s up?” Hard’Rok leans out the window and asks.

“There’s something odd going on … my magical belt buckles have been jangling, indicating a bad omen,” Handsomus breathes heavy as he leans on the horse, “I have a bad feeling about this.”

“Oh, that’s cool, that’s cool. OH SHIT, WHAT’S THAT?!” Hard’Rok shouts. HANDSOMUS LOOKS IN THE DIRECTION of HARD’ROK FINGER and GETS CLOCKED IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD WITH A CHAIR.

”OW, FUCK! I’m gonna kick your ass!” Handsomus shouts, pulling back a fist.

”Wait! Wait! I’m sorry, I don’t know what came over me,” Hard’Rok replies.

“What the hell, man!”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Come on, we’re in the KINGS of the UNIVERSE, right?”

“It’s PRINCES of the UNIVERSE and we haven’t even had a meeting in like 3 months!” Handsomus shouts, “Besides, Musclepotamia is destroyed. We don’t really have a purpose anymore.”

“Right, right. Sorry. Let’s just concentrate on the race,” Hard’Rok says. As Handsomus looks forward, HE GETS CLOCKED AGAIN WITH A CHAIR.

“FUCK, I’M GOING TO KILL YOU!” HANDSOMUS SCREAMS.

“You know, I was really expecting you to pass out. I feel really stu-GLRK!!” HARD’ROK SPITS OUT TEETH AS A MAMMOTH PUNCH SENDS HIM FLYING FROM HIS VEHICLE, SENDING HIM CRASHING INTO A LARGE ROCK IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DESERT. Handsomus LEAPS off of his horse and marches towards Hard’Rok as GIGI PULLS THE CAR OVER.

J.R.: WHOA, apparently Handsomus and Hard’Rok are fighting!

W.W.: I was worried earlier when Handsomus and Ant King had that SCRAP. I’M GLAD THEY ARE WORKING TOGETHER TO KILL FOREIGNERS.

“Hmm, I thought it would come to this,” HARD’ROK LEAPS TO HIS FEET, popping his nose into place and taking a fighting stance, “GIGI! Give me a chair!”

“We’re out! Well, we have one …” she replies.

“I don’t care! Toss it to me!” HARD’ROK SHOUTS. HE REACHES INTO THE AIR AND GRABS ONTO A LEG, A HUMAN LEG. HE LOOKS UP TO SEE HE’S WIELDING RED HOT RODNEY AUSTIN, THE WRESTLER HE USED “CHAIR-I-GAMI” ON.

“Killlll meeee …” Rodney distorted face mutters.

W.W.: FUCK, RODNEY AUSTIN’S STILL ALIVE!

J.R.: This is breaking news! We’ll have to change those point totals right away!

“Ewww, this thing’s gross,” Hard’Rok says, “BUT IT WILL HAVE TO DO!” HARD’ROK CHARGES FORWARD as HANDSOMUS MARCHES, HIS EYES COVERED IN SHADOW, AND SLAMS THE CHAIR OVER HIS HEAD. “RED HOT” RODNEY AUSTIN EXPLODES INTO CHUNKS. Handsomus continues walking forward.

J.R.: Nevermind.

“Damnit. GIGI! Uh, PULL OUT THE CAR SEATS!” HARD’ROK SHOUTS before GETTING CLOTHESLINED OFF HIS FEET. Handsomus picks him up by his MOP OF HAIR and NAILS A EUROPEAN UPPERCUT.

“Get away from me, Handsomus! I HAVE POWERS!” HARD’ROK climbs to his feet and points at his ATTACKER, “I was the one who made THAT MAGICIAN GUY DISAPPEAR!”

HANDSOMUS DRIVES FIST AFTER FIST into HARD’ROK’S FRAME, SPILLING HIS BLOOD ON THE DUSTY DESERT OUTSIDE OF LAS VEGAS. HARD’ROK CAN FEEL HIS BONES SNAPPING ONE BY ONE as HANDSOMUS KNOCKS THE SHIT OUT OF HIM. His punches are TOO SLOW to HIT HANDSOMUS, being too weak from his fight with My Head Hurts and John Baines to fight without the use of CHAIRS.

“D-Damnit …” Hard’Rok is flung into the GOTHMOBILE, blood trailing from his nose. Handsomus wipes the blood off his chin and picks up hat.

“Take him out of here,” Handsomus orders Gigi. Gigi nods as she tries to help him in. HOWEVER, HARD’ROK RAISES A HAND.

“Hahh … you think, chairs are my only power?” Hard’Rok breathes heavily, blood dripping from his face.

“Yes,” Handsomus says, “You used to be able to control dead bodies, but I threw that medallion into the sun.”

“You don’t my … TRUE POWER …” Hard’Rok grins, “The power I VOWED never to use as I wasn’t exactly sure how to do it. But now … hahh hahh ... I know. It is DESPERATION and LONELINESS in my heart … that can ALLOW ME TO BECOME …”

“A SUPER SPACE VALHALLIAN!” HARD’ROK SHOUTS.

J.R.: SUPER SPACE VALHALLIAN?!

“Super Space Valhallian … that … that …,” Handsomus pauses, “That doesn’t exist.”

“Says you!” HARD’ROK SAYS, STANDING UP. SUDDENLY, A HUGE RUSH OF POWER SURGES FORTH, BLOWING BACK DUST AND SHIT. HARD’ROK’S LONG, STRINGY HAIR FLOATS UPWARDS AS HE GRUNTS.

“What is this …” Handsomus SHIELDS his, uh, SUNGLASSES FROM THE DUST, “Is he really …”

HARD’ROK’S HORNS GROW OUT FURTHER AND HIS HAIR GROWS LONGER. WITH ONE LAST, MIGHTY GRUNT, SHIT STOPS BLOWING AROUND and HARD’ROK SMILES, LOOKING CONTENT AND POWERFUL.

“What happened to you … Rokky?” Gigi ask. HARD’ROK DASHES FORWARD AT HIGH SPEEDS, GRABS HANDSOMUS BY THE FACE, AND DRAGS HIM ALONG THE GROUND BEFORE SLAMMING HIM HEADFIRST INTO A ROCK. HANDSOMUS SPITS OUT BLOOD AS HARD’ROK LOOKS AT HIS HANDS.

“THE POWER …” Hard’Rok smiles. “I feel very little pain,” Hard’Rok says, looking at the finger who accidently broke while whipping Handsomus’ ass. “I have the ability to self-heal,” he says as his FINGER AUTOMATICALLY FIXES ITSELF. “I can … CREATE FIRE,” he snaps his finger and FLAMES BURST FORTH.

“I can …” Hard’Rok grins, “CONTROL MINDS (though not those who are too strong.”

“My God … do you have any weaknesses?” Gigi trembles as she stares at SSV Hard’Rok.

“Each time I use any of my special abilities, my physical self is drained, and I am weakened,” Hard’Rok replies, “But I’ll have enough power to FINISH OFF HANDSOMUS R. AWESOME!”

HARD’ROK DASHES FORWARD and SLAMS A PALM INTO HANDSOMUS’ FACE, UNLEASHING A WAVE OF FIRE. HANDSOMUS explodes through the ROCK he was LYING ON and ROLLS along the GROUND, HIS FACE COVERED IN SMOKE.

“THE POWER!” HARD’ROK slams a fist into the ground, CAUSING FLAMES to RISE UP UNDERNEATH HANDSOMUS and PROPEL HIM INTO THE SKY!

“THE POWER!” HARD’ROK LEAPS UP AN AXEHANDLES HIM INTO THE GROUND.

“THE POWER!!” HARD’ROK GLARES AT A VULTURE, WHO THEN PROCEEDS TO SHIT ON HANDSOMUS’ LEG. HARD’ROK BENDS OVER, CACKLING WITH GLEE.

J.R.: HARD’ROK … WHERE HAS THIS POWER COME FROM?!

W.W.: HANDSOMUS, OH GOD. Actually, FUCK Handsomus. The Ant King was always the true American while Handsomus is just a big pussy. And Jim, I FUCK pussies.

“ENOUGH ROKKY!” GIGI CRIES, “That’s enough!”

HARD’ROK TURNS BACK TO GIGI WHO IS NEAR WEEPING.

“You’ve … changed!” she cries, “You used to be such a good character! And now … you’ve become THIS.”

“I’VE GAINED POWER!” HARD’ROK SCREAMS, FLAMES SHOOTING UP FROM BEHIND TO PUNCTUATE HIS LINE.

“ASTRAL SHOULDAAAAH!!” HARD’ROK TURNS TO SEE HANDSOMUS FUCKING FLYING AT HIM, THE GROUND CRACKING UNDER HIS FEET. HARD’ROK CANNOT MOVE FAST ENOUGH BEFORE HANDSOMUS’ ENTIRE WEIGHT COLLIDES WITH HIM, ROCKETING SSV ROK INTO THE GOTHBUGGY, EXPLODING IT. GIGI IS FLUNG FROM THE WRECKAGE AND ROLLS ALONG THE GROUND.

“ROKKY!” SHE SHOUTS, RUNNING TO HIS SIDE.

W.W.: FUCK! HANDSOMUS IS A HERO!

“Damn it,” Handsomus falls to a knee, drained of energy. GIGI continues trying to shake ROKKY awake while there’s a SIZEABLE INDENTATION IN HIS CHEST. BUT THEN, HIS EYES SNAP OPEN and DARK ENERGY OR WHATEVER BEGINS TO FIX THE WOUND.

“ROKKY … your chest!” Gigi shouts.

“HANDSOMUUUUUS …” HARD’ROK SHOUTS as he climbs to his feet, HIS WOUNDS HEALING THEMSELVES. “I CAN NEVER DIE!”

J.R.: HARD’ROK HAS ACHIEVED A NEW LEVEL OF POWER!

As Hard’Rok steps forward, MARCHING TOWARDS HANDSOMUS, he begins to SINK INTO THE GROUND. Looking down in shock, he finds the DESERT GROUND BELOW HIM TURNING BLACK. The ground SPLITS OPEN and HANDS – JET-BLACK, GNARLED HANDS, REACH OUT AND GRAB HIM, PULLING HIM IN DEEPER.

W.W.: WHAT THE FUCK IS SHIT?!

“ROKKY!” Gigi continues shouting, GRABBING ONTO HIS ARM.

“W-What the HELL?!” HARD’ROK SCREAMS, “WHAT’S HAPPENING?!”

A DEMONIC FIGURE rises up, LIKE A MUMMY MADE OUT OF SKIN OR SOMETHING.

“We’ve come to take you …” the creature says.

“BUT WHY?!”

“You’ve abused your power …” the demon cackles, “You’ve grown weak and we’ve come to take you back to HELL. Your 100% Demon mode, not Super Space Valhallian or whatever, comes with a price …”

“B-BUT I’M SO STRONG … I HAVE ALL OF JACK DANIELS’ POWERS!” HARD’ROK SCREAMS.

“Exactly. And just like JACK DANIELS … YOU JOB!” THE DEMON SHOUTS, DUNKING HIS HEAD INTO THE BLACK ABYSS. HARD’ROK ATTEMPTS TO HOLD ONTO GIGI’S HAND AS THE DEMONS SWARM HIM.

“GIGI!” HARD’ROK CRIES.

“ROKKY!”

BUT THEN HE IS SWALLOWED UP. The vortex seals and Gigi collapses, bursting into tears and ruining her make-up. Handsomus stands up and begins walking away to his horse, unstrapping Starstruck from it.

J.R.: BAH GAWD! HARD’ROK HAS BEEN SENT STRAIGHT TA HELLLL!!

W.W.: That’s what you get for being a faggot.

“I have used MY mind control to convince my space stallion to take you to the nearest town,” Handsomus tells Gigi, “I have things I need to attend to.”

Handsomus looks down at his numerous belt buckles, SHAKING EVEN HARDER THAN BEFORE. He feels a great pressure from the north and hops on his guitar.

“I’m sorry,” he mutters stoically before BLASTING OFF.

J.R.: WAIT! WHAT’S GOING ON? HANDSOMUS IS FLYING! IS HE DROPPING OUT OF THE RACE!

W.W.: HANDSOMUS, YOU HAVE TO KILL GUAN FEI!

***

“Son … where are we going?” the head of Robert McCoy stuck on the now-dead body of his ex-wife’s widower, Rod, asks his son who has apparently possessed a mammoth life support mech.

“We need more sustenance for you, Dad!” Thomas replies.

“But … the race ends in California. We’re in Wyoming now,” McCoy looks around as the mech slams into a passing car. IT CRACKS OPEN THE SHELL OF THE VEHICLE, SMASHES THE FAMILY INSIDE, and sucks up the blood. McCoy looks sick as the blood of the slain family flows through the IV and into his veins.

“Thomas, I’m not so sure this is a good idea …” McCoy mutters.

“Look, houses! That’s a big one!” Thomas shouts as the LIFE SUPPORT MACHINE LEAPS INTO THE AIR. IT CRASH LANDS ON A MANSION’S ROOF WHICH QUICKLY COLLAPSES. The LIFE SUPPORT MACHINE falls upside-down in Dick Cheney’s Foyer, smashing the television he was watching the FTUW Pay-Per-View on.

“WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?” CHENEY SHOUTS, “Oh GOD, you’re ROBERT MCCOY. I’m your biggest fan!”

The lifeless body of McCoy dangles as the machine fails at up-righting itself.

“F-Fan?” McCoy’s lips tremble.

“Yes, you are such an inspiration,” Dick Cheney beams, kneeling down to shake Rod’s hand.

“MR. VICE PRESIDENT, you must help me! I’m trapped in this machine and it’s making me kill!” Robert McCoy shouts.

“Isn’t that a good thing?”

“No! Please, help me out of here!” McCoy cries. DICK CHENEY begins to PULL ROBERT MCCOY from the bed, unhooking the numerous IVs connected to his body.

“No! Dad! We have to get revenge!” Thomas shouts inside McCoy’s head. DICK CHENEY FREES HIM. A secret service agent bursts through the door.

“MR. VICE PRESIDENT, ARE YOU- WAIT! DON’T DO IT, MR. PRESIDENT!” THE AGENT SCREAMS. When McCoy is removed from the device, THE NUCLEAR CORE OF THE IS DETONATED, SETTING OFF A ATOMIC BOMB.

“DAD! DON’T DO IT!” THOMAS’ VOICE FADES IN HIS MIND. For the first time in his life, McCoy is at peace, free of the endless misery caused by his mortal coil.

“Dad …”

“You weren’t in that machine, were you? It was … all in my head all this time … wasn’t it?”

“Dad …”

“I just went crazy … from all the sorrow … but now … I’m finally free …”

“And we can be together once again.”

Robert McCoy ascends into the afterlife and is rejoined with his family. Rod goes to Hell.

***
Yogurtman
Odin
Joined: 03 Jan 2007
Posts: 2248
(Fri Feb 23, 2007 2:04 am)
Reply

Post     Re: FTUW'S DEATH RACE 2007 (#20)

ON THE HIGHWAY TO CALIFORNIA, Guan Fei and the Ant King are alone. They are the final two participants left in Death Race 2006 who are actually still racing. One of these two men, who have shed pints of blood together, will be FTUW WORLD CHAMPION at the end of this event.

“So it is just us,” Guan Fei says as Mecha-African Dream gallops along the highway, “It’s always us.”

“YES,” Ant King replies, “OUR TIME HAS COME.”

“Ant King, although it pains me somewhat to say this, I respect you,” Guan Fei says, “You’re the only man who could challenge me. YOU EVEN TOOK MY EYE. You have wounded the man who will become the ruler of this century, Guan Fei!”

THE ANT KING CLIMBS FROM THE SEAT OF THE ANTMOBILE and STANDS ON TOP.

“I am the strongest man in this world!” GUAN FEI SHOUTS as he LEAPS TO A STANDING POSITION ON HIS HORSE, “But I won’t be able to call myself UNTIL I KILL YOU!!

“BRIIIIIIIIIIIIIING ITTTTTT OOONNNN YOU FUUUUUUUCKINNNNNN’ BIIIIIITCH!!” ANT KING SCREAMS. THE TWO VEHICLES FUCKING COLLIDE IN TUNE TO THEIR PUNCHES. THEIR HEAVY FISTS DIG INTO EACH OTHER’S SKULLS, CRACKING THEIR BONES (WHETHER THEY BE ON THE INSIDE OR NOT). THE ANTMOBILE AND MECHA-AFRICAN DREAM MOVE AWAY FROM EACH OTHER AFTER THE PUNCHES AND CLASH AGAIN.

J.R.: HERE IT IS!! THE FINAL BATTLE!!

W.W.: YEAAAH! THIS IS WHAT I’VE BEEN FUCKING WAITING FOR! I MAY HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM AND BEAT OFF.

J.R.: We’re in a helicopter, Warrior.

W.W.: The bathroom is when I hang from the bottom of the helicopter and shit on our fans.

FEI and KING trade VICIOUS BLOWS. ANT KING KNEES FEI IN THE GUT. FEI HITS A SWEEP KICK ON THE ANT KING, TOPPLING HIM. KING NAILS A SHORT UPPERCUT WHEN FEI GOES FOR HIS LEGS.

Guan Fei reels back and slips off his horse. GRABBING THE REINS, HE HANGS ABOVE THE ROAD and slams a foot on the horse. A COMPARTMENT on the side OPENS and FIVE SPEARS BURST FORTH. ANT KING dodges the SPEARS and whips out a PISTOL. HE UNLOADS THE CLIP INTO GUAN FEI but his MIGHTY BEARD protects him, turning what would be holes into his chest simply into bruises.

J.R.: Both of these men came well-prepared!

AS MECHA AFRICAN DREAM and the ANTMOBILE CONTINUE TO SHOOT SPARKS FROM CONSTANT COLLIDING, Guan Fei strikes another section of the HORSE unleashing a HAIL OF ARROWS FROM WITHIN. ANT KING instantly WHIPS OUT A RIOT SHIELD, tucked away in his payload of weapons, and BLOCKS THE ARROW. He slams the RIOT SHIELD into GUAN FEI’S THROAT but Guan Fei uses his PREHENSILE BEARD to tear it away from the ANT KING.

ON THE ROAD AHEAD, BEFORE THE BORDER OF THE NEW EMPIRE OF THE DAMNED, STANDS A WALL OF FTUW FANS. AS SOON AS THEY SEE THE TWO RACERS, THEY KNEEL DOWN.

J.R.: THOSE FANS, ARE THEY SACRIFICING THEMSELVES TO GUAN FEI AND ANT KING?

W.W.: And people say are fans aren’t devoted.

J.R.: No one has ever said that, ever.

W.W.: Fuck you.

AS THE ANT KING BLOCKS A SWORD WITH HIS RIFLE, THE TWO SUPERSTARS NOTICE THE WALL OF FANS. WITHOUT SLOWING DOWN, THEY RIP THROUGH THE FANS, SPRAYING THEIR GUTS AND BLOOD AND BONES AND EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE. With FEI’S SWORD blocked by the gun, he begins BEATING ANT KING with a FAN’S LEG.

The two warriors get tired of using COMPLICATED ATTACKS and just start TRADING PUNCHES AS THE TWO VEHICLES GAIN SPEED. AS SPARKS CONTINUE TO SPRAY EVERYWHERE, PARTS OF THE TWO VEHICLES BURST INTO FLAMES DUE TO SPEED AND AWESOMENESS. WITH EACH TITANTIC PUNCH, BLOOD SPRAYS IN THE AIR AS THE FTUW CHOPPER RACES TO KEEP UP THE TWO VEHICLES.

J.R.: THE NEW EMPIRE OF THE DAMNED BORDER IS IN SIGHT! THE GOAL IS ONLY A HUNDRED SOME MILES AWAY!

THE ANTMOBILE AND MECHA-AFRICAN DREAM ARE FUSED TOGETHER NOW FROM THE EXTREME HEAT CAUSED BY THE TWO VEHICLES CLASHING. AS GUAN FEI AND ANT KING FUCKING RACE INTO THE DESERT AT OVER THREE HUNDRED MILES PER HOUR, THEY STAND ON TOP FUCKING CHOKING THE SHIT OUT OF EACH OTHER. ANT KING DIGS SO HARD INTO GUAN FEI’S FUCKING NECK THAT BLOOD BEGINS TO DRIBBLE OUT HIS EMPTY EYE SOCKET!

AS THEY CONTIUE THEIR DEATH RACE, THE FUSED VEHICLE BURSTS INTO FUCKING FLAMES! THEY BEGIN TO APPROACH A DESOLATE CITY AND CRASH THEIR GODDAMN ANT-MECHA-MOBILE-DREAM-AMUFAFUCkni THROUGH TOWN HALL. AS THE FLAMES CONSUME THE METAL, THE TWO CONTINUE TRYING TO TEAR LIFE FROM ONE ANOTHER.

W.W.: HOLY BLESSED SHITFUCK.

J.R.: THEY DON’T EVEN CARE ABOUT THE RACE ANYMORE!

THE GLOB OF FLAMING METAL GOING OVER 300 MPH WITH A CHINK AND A ANT MONSTER KILLING EACH OTHER ON TOP CRASHES THROUGH WALL AFTER WALL OF BRICK AS THEY RAPE ASS THROUGH THE CITY. SPEEDING INTO TOWN SQUARE, THE WHEELS AND LEGS OF THE VEHICLE EXPLODE OFF AND THEY CRASH INTO THE TOWN’S FOUNTAIN, IMMEDIATELY EXPLODING IT AND THE CARHORSE!!

J.R.: BAAH GAWD!! ARE THEY DEAD?!

A SECOND OR TWO LATER BOTH COMBATANTS FALL FROM THE SKY AND SLAM ONTO THE DUSTY GROUND. THEY IMMEDIATELY STRUGGLE TO THEIR FEET, ADRENALINE TEARING THROUGH THEIR BRAINS AND KEEPING THEM PUMPED THE FUCK UP. AS THEY STAND, SPEARS AND ARROWS AND GUNS AND BULLETS AND GRENADES AND NEARLY EVERY FUCKING WEAPON THE TWO VEHICLES WERE CARRYING RAINS FROM THE SKY. A PLAYGROUND OF DEATH SURROUNDS THEM IN THIS DESOLATE CITY.

J.R.: I’VE NEVER SEEN TWO MEN WHO WANT TO DIE SO BADLY!

THE TWO GLARE AT EACH OTHER as they CIRCLE THE FLAMING FOUNTAIN that SEPERATES THEM SLOWLY. Looking down at their choices, THEY BOTH LEAP FOR A WEAPON and TAKE AIM. THE ANT KING PULLS BACK A BOW AND ARROW AS GUAN FEI FIRES A BURST OF MACHINE GUN FIRE. THE BULLETS TEAR THROUGH BRICK BEHIND ANT KING UNTIL A FEW FIND THEIR WAY INTO ANT KING’S SHOULDER, CAUSING HIM TO RELEASE THE ARROW THAT SLAMS INTO GUAN FEI’S RETARDEDLY HUGE THIGH.

Guan Fei clicks the trigger a few more times before deciding it’s out of ammo. Spitting a curse, he tosses the machine gun aside and looks for something more suitable. STICKING UP OUT OF THE GROUND are TWO CHINESE SWORDS. Snatching them, he gracefully spins them around in his hands before STRIKING A POSE.

“COME, ANT CREATURE!” GUAN FEI SHOUTS.

ANT KING LOOKS OVER THE BOXES OF SHELLS and the NUMEROUS GUNS FOR SOMETHING FLASHIER. He then picks it up, a SIX FOOT LONG HAND-HELD EXCAVATION DRILL. PULLING THE CORD, the fucking thing shoots BLACK DIESEL SMOKE as the DRILL SPINS WILDLY, LUSTING FOR INTESTINES TO TWIST.

“Guh huh huh huh …” Ant King absent-mindedly grunts.

W.W.: FUCKKKKIN YEAAAH.

J.R.: ALTHOUGH THESE TWO MEN ARE IN THE LEAD, THEY’VE SEEMINGLY STOPPED RACING ENTIRELY JUST TO KILL EACH OTHER.

THE TWO CHARGE FORWARD AND QUICKLY CLIMB UP THE FLAMING WRECKAGE OF THE FOUNTAIN AND BEGIN CLASHING. GUAN FEI SWINGS DOWN HIS SWORDS BUT FINDS THAT ANT KING HAS EXPERTLY SWATTED HIM AWAY WITH THE POWERFUL DRILL. ANT KING RUSHES FORWARD AND ATTEMPTS TO IMPALE GUAN FEI BUT GUAN FEI LEAPS BACKWARDS TO AVOID THE DRILL.

The fight continues on the ground as SPARKS FLY every time the SWORDS AND DRILLS CLASH. GUAN FEI SLAMS HIS SWORDS DOWN INTO ANT KING’S SHOULDERS, PIERCING THROUGH THE EXOSKELETON AND UNLEASHING BLOOD. ANT KING THRUSTS FORWARD AND SENDS THE GODDAMN DRILL DIGGING INTO GUAN FEI’S RIBS. BLOOD SOAKS FEI’S MAJESTIC GREEN ROBE AS HE DASHES BACKWARDS, TAKING HIS SWORDS OUT OF ANT KING, BEFORE BEING TORN APART.

“This won’t be ENOUGH, it seems!” GUAN FEI SMILES as HE BENDS OVER AND SNATCHES A SWORD WITH HIS FUCKING TEETH.

J.R.: SHIT!

GUAN FEI LEAPS SIDEWAYS INTO THE AIR AND BEGINS SPINNING, SENDING ALL THREE BLADES TOWARDS ANT KING. THE ANT KING BLOCKS AT FIRST WITH HIS DRILL BUT THE NUMEROUS ATTACKS ARE TOO MUCH AND HIS WEAPON IS LOWERED. NOW OPEN, THE THREE SWORDS CUT THROUGH HIS FACE.

“GAAAAH!” ANT KING CRIES AS THREE VERTICAL LINES, ETCHED IN FACE, SQUIRT BLOOD. DUE TO THE THICKNESS OF THE EXOSKELETON EYELIDS, HOWEVER, HE DOESN’T LOSE HIS SIGHT.

But he doesn’t have much time to think as GUAN FEI IS STILL ON THE OFFENSIVE. PUSHED BACK, ANT KING DOES HIS BEST TO DEFEND AGAINST THREE BLADES SIMULTANEOUSLY. IN DESPERATION, HE RUSHES FORWARD WITH THE DRILL, SCREAMING RETARDED SHIT OUT HIS MOUTH.

“EAAAAT CORNY ASSSS SHITT!!!” ANT KING BELLOWS. NOW OPEN, THE THREE SWORDS COLLIDE WITH HIS TORSO, DIGGING THROUGH THE EXOSKELETON TO REACH THE VULNERABLE MEAT INSIDE. HOWEVER, ANT KING’S GAMBIT AS PAID OFF AS THE TIP OF THE BLADE FUCKING JAMS ITSELF INTO GUAN FEI’S FUCKING CHEST.

J.R.: BAAAAH GAWD!! HAS HE GOT HIM?!

GUAN FEI CAN FEEL BLOOD RISE UP IN HIS THROAT AS THE DRILL STARTS TEARING THROUGH HIS STERNUM. HE CANNOT MOVE FORWARD TO DRIVE THE THREE SWORDS HE CARRIES DEEPER INTO ANT KING’S BODY, HOPING ONE WOULD DRIVE ITSELF INTO A VITAL AND END HIS LIFE. ANOTHER INCH AND THE SPINNING, HUGE ASS DRILL WILL HAVE PIERCED HIS HEART!

GUAN FEI LOOKS UP AND SEES ANT KING HAS NO FUCKING CONCERNS ABOUT HIS FUCKING HEALTH. TAKING A SMALL STEP FORWARD, THE DRILL PENETRATES THE GODDAMNED STERNUM. MORE BLOOD CASCADES THROUGH GUAN FEI’S GODDAMNED CLENCHED TEETH.

“GUAAAAAN FEEEIIII!” ANT KING BARES HIS TEETH, HIS FACE FLEXING SO HARD THAT THE THREE SLASHES BEGIN TO SQUIRT SOME BLOOD.

W.W.: HE’S GOING TO FUCKING DIE! THE CHINK MOTHERFUCKER IS GOING TO DIE!

“GUAN FEI WON’T BE ERASED FROM EXISTENCE THIS QUICKLY!” GUAN FEI DECLARES. “LET ME SHOW THE BODY OF THE MAN WHO WILL BECOME THE STRONGEST!”

AND WITH THAT, GUAN FEI FUCKING FLEXES UNTIL HIS ROBE EXPLODES FROM HIS CHEST. NUMEROUS SCAR-COVERED MUSCLES ARE SHOWN, MORE MUSCLES THAN THE HUMAN BODY ACTUALLY HAS, BULGING IN DEFIANCE OF ANT KING’S ATTEMPTED HOMICIDE! BUT THERE IS A PURPOSE TO THIS …

THE DRILL HAS STOPPED, GUAN FEI’S HUGE FUCKING PECTORALS SQUEEZING THE DRILL IN PLACE!

J.R.: BAH GAWD! GUAN FEI FLEXED THAT DRILL UNTIL IT STOPPED SPINNING. THE MINSTER OF BEARDS IMPRESSIVE PHYSIQUE HAS SAVED HIS LIFE.

THE DRILL MOANS AND SPITS BLACK SMOKE AS ANT KING DESPERATELY TRIES TO DRIVE IT INTO FEI’S HEART. As Ant King attempts to RESTART THE MACHINE, ANOTHER SWORD FLIES AT HIS HEAD. KING LEANS BACK, YANKING OUT THE DRILL TO AVOID BEING DECAPITATED. As he falls to the ground, he sees Guan Fei wielding FOUR SWORDS, one with his PREHENSILE BEARD.

W.W.: FOUR SWORDS?!

J.R.: GUAN FEI MIGHT AS WELL HAVE FOUR ARMS THE WAY HE USES HIS HEAD AND BEARD!

The ANT KING attempts to restart his drill but TOSSES it OUT OF FRUSTRATION and backs away slowly from GUAN FEI. Fei stands there, spinning all four swords with a SILVER DOLLAR SIZED, INCH DEEP hole in FEI’S CHEST. Ant King spots a REVOLVER and WHIPS IT UP and PULLS THE TRIGGER. However, no bullet is fired since half the guns aren’t even loaded since he prepared for the race 10 minutes before the PPV started by crashing his ANTMOBILE into a GUN STORE, powerbombing the owner, and using a snow shovel to toss guns into his car.

Guan Fei chuckles as ANT KING tries three more guns with similar results. EVENTUALLY, ANT KING tosses away his weapons and PULLS UP HIS FISTS.

“FUCK YOU, GUAAAAN FEIIII!! I’MMA JUST GOING TO STICK MAH FIST STRAIGHT UP YOUR CANDY ASS!!” ANT KING SHOUTS.

During the intense battle, ANT KING and GUAN FEI must have not noticed the SLOWLY GROANING MOANS that echoed through the town. They turn around to see HUNDREDS AND HUNDREDS OF ZOMBIES CLOSING IN ON THEM.

J.R.: BAH GAWD! THEY’RE IN THE NEW EMPIRE OF THE DAMNED!

ZOMBIES CLOSE IN ON ALL DIRECTIONS as ANT KING and GUAN FEI stand almost back to back.

“And I was just about to kill you!” Guan Fei laughs a hearty laugh.

THE TWO BURST OFF FROM ONE ANOTHER AND ENTER THE FRAY. GUAN FEI BEGINS FLIPPING AND SHIT WITH HIS FOUR BLADES, TURNING ZOMBIES INTO CHUNKS AS HE TEARS ASS ALL AROUND THE TOWN SQUARE. The ANT KING drives his ROCK HARD FISTS through ZOMBIE BRAINS as he DIGS A PATH from the ROTTING FLESH.

W.W..: THEY STOPPED FIGHTING TO KILL SOME GODDAMNED ZOMBIES!

J.R.: This will not help with diplomatic relations with the N.E.D. and the U.S.A.

W.W.: Who gives a shit! ZOMBIES were created by GOD to DIE in really awesome ways. So fuck those GODLESS ZOMBIE FAGGOTS in ZOMBIE FAGGOT PARLIAMENT.

As GUAN FEI DISEMBOWEL, DECAPITATE, and DISMANTLE his DEAD FOES, ANT KING finds two LOADED SHOTGUNS on the GROUND. He immediately BACKFLIPS THROUGH THE AIR, screaming, while TURNING ZOMBIES INTO GIBLETS.

The ZOMBIES swarm over them like ARMY ANTS, drowning them in PUTRID DEATH. THEN FUCKING FISTS BURST UP THROUGH THE DEAD, OVER AND OVER, AS GUAN FEI AND ANT KING DIG THEIR WAY THROUGH.

ON ONE END, GUAN FEI EXPLODES OUT OF THE BACK OF A FATASS ZOMBIE LADY, ROLLS TO THE GROUND and starts grabbing as many weapons as he can GRAB. ON THE OTHER END, THE ANT KING BURSTS UP THROUGH THE WAVES OF ZOMBIES and RUNS ALONG THE TOP. He sees something on the ground, TWO FAMILIAR SOMETHINGS, and grabs those objects before DROPKICKING a door to a BUILDING DOWN. GUAN FEI just runs through a fucking wall of the building opposite of Ant King with a pile of weapons in his ARMS.

J.R.: What the FUCK are they doing? Warrior, move the chopper around to see if we can get a better look!

AS ANT KING BARRICADES the DOOR with TABLES and FURNITURE and shit, he TURNS and SEES SOMETHING INTERESTING. Guan Fei rushes up the stairs and throws a piano down them at the APPROACHING ZOMBIES. Locking himself in a room, he lays the WEAPONS OUT IN FRONT OF HIM and PREPARES.

In ANT KING’S ABANDONED BUILDING, a zombie SHOVES its HEAD THROUGH A WINDOW just to have a HOT, BLUE FLAME BURN THROUGH IT’S FUCKING FACE. The camera pans back to REVEAL THE ANT KING, WITH A WELDING MASK, holding the WELDING TORCH. He goes back to his work, grabbing a LONG, MASSIVELY THICK CHAIN and MELTING THE END.

IN THE OTHER BUILDING, Guan Fei kneels shirtless. The camera focuses on him from behind as he TAKES a weapon from the pile one at a time as he WORKS.

J.R.: We still can’t see ‘em, folks! They may have holed themselves up in the building to avoid being eaten by zombies!

W.W.: FUCK ZOMBIES, JIM! ANT KING eats ZOMBIES for BREAKFAST and then SHITS THEM OUT onto OTHER ZOMBIES! And Guan Fei, although his belly is indeed YELLOW, he isn’t a coward! There’s no way they’re hiding! THEY’RE PLANNING!

THE SHAMBLING CORPSES have blocked out the ground completely as they TRY TO FORCE THEMSELVES INTO THE BUILDINGS, waiting to EAT THE BRAINS OF THE TWO SUPERSTARS. SUDDENLY, GUAN FEI BURSTS THROUGH A SECOND STORY WINDOW AND LANDS ON TOP OF THE OCEAN OF DEAD. HE STANDS THERE FUCKING PROUDLY, OVER FIVE HUNDRED MOTHERFUCKING SWORDS, SPEARS, MACES, AND AXES TIED TO HIS BEARD!

W.W.: FAUAUAUAJCKC!!

ANT KING BURSTS OUT OF THE SECOND STORY WINDOW OF HIS BUILDING AND LANDS ON TOP OF THE ZOMBIES. FROM BEHIND, HE WHIPS OUT TWO CHAINSAWS WITH A *CHAIN* WELDING BETWEEN THE TWO, MAKING CHAINSAW NUNCHAKU!

W.W.: FAIBNHFKHAFKLSF!!

J.R.: FUCKING … BEARD ARMORY … AND FUCKING … CHAINSAW NUNCHUKS!! BAAH GAWD!

“YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!” ANT KING SAYS AS HE LEAPS THROUGH THE FUCKING AIR, HURLING ONE CHAINSAW (WITH THE TRIGGER TAPED DOWN) AT GUAN FEI!! THE BEARD ARMORY DEFLECTS THE ATTACK AND GUAN FEI SPINS IN A CIRCLE, SENDING A RETARDED AMOUNT OF BLADES TOWARDS THE ANT KING!

THE NUMEROUS BLADES SLAM INTO ANT KING’S EXOSKELTON, CRACKING IT, BUT HE FUCKING JUST SHRUGS IT OFF AND STARTS SPINNING HIS CHAINSAWS. THE BLADES SLASH AT GUAN FEI, CUTTING OPEN HIS FLESH AS HE ATTEMPTS TO DODGE. AS THE CHAINSAWS FUCKING SLAM INTO GUAN FEI’S BEARD, SWORDS AND SPEARS AND MACES ARE FLUNG FROM FEI BEFORE EXPLODING THROUGH THE ZOMBIES THE TWO SUPERSTARS ARE FIGHTING ON TOP OF.

W.W.: FUCK FUCK SHIT THIS IS AWESOME. I’M SO GLAD I’M ALIVE.

“AAAAAAANT KINGG!!” GUAN FEI SCREAMS!

“GUAAAAAAN FEEEI!” ANT KING SCREAMS BACK.

THE INTENSE, SUPER FAST COMBAT LOOKS LIKE SPRAYS OF BLOOD AND SPARKS. AT RANDOM, WHEN A WEAPON MISSES ITS TARGET OR IS FLUNG THROUGH THE AIR, ENTRAIL GEYSERS SHOOT UP IN THE AIR. AS ANT KING FUCKING SPINS THE CHAINSAWS AROUND HIS NECK AND GUAN FEI CLUBS ANT KING IN THE LEG WITH FIVE MACES THE CONSTANT ZOMBIE DESTRUCTION CAUSES IT TO FUCKING RAIN BLOOD. ALSO, FECES AND ORGANS AND ALL SORTS OF GROSS SHIT!

J.R.: BAAAH GAAWD!

“TAKE THIS! DRILL OF SWORDS ATTACHED TO BEARD!” GUAN FEI FLINGS HIS BEARD FORWARD, THIRTY SWORDS SPINNING TOWARDS THE ANT KING. THE ANT KING ATTEMPTS TO BLOCK THEM WITH HIS CHAINSAW NUNCHAKU but they are BLOWN THE FUCK AWAY and the SWORDS DRIVE INTO ANT KING’S CHEST.

“GRAAAAAGH!!” ANT KING SCREAMS HIS BODY’S FLUIDS AND IS SENT HURDLING INTO THE SIDE OF THE BUILDING. QUICKLY, ZOMBIES SWARM OVER HIM.

W.W.: ANT KING!!

“YOU WRETCHED BEASTS, I WILL BE SLAUGHTERING HIM!” GUAN FEI SHOUTS as his BEARD FLINGS WEAPONS INTO THE ZOMBIES, and fill in your own description about zombies dying here.

AS FEI PUSHES THE NUMEROUS BODIES OUT OF HIS WAY, HIS BEARD TOSSES HIM A SPEAR that he HURLS IN ANT KING’S DIRECTION. THE SPEAR EXPLODES ON ANT KING’S FACE AS HE’S WEARING THE WELDING MASK AS PROTECTION!

ANT KING, USING THE OPENING, GRABS HIS CHAINSAW NUNCHAKU FROM THE PILE OF ZOMBIE REMAINS AND SWINGS IT. AS THE BEARD’S SWORDS BLOCK THE FIRST CHAINSAW, ANT KING RUSHES FORWARD AND DRIVES IT INTO GUAN FEI’S FUCKING FACE!!

W.W.: DONKFUCK!!

J.R.: GUAN FEI GOT A CHAINSAW IN THE FACE!

“FLEX THIS SHIT OUT, THUNDER PUSSY!!” ANT KING SCREAMS AS THE CHAINSAW BLADES TEAR FROM HIS MISSING EYE, ACROSS HIS NOSE, AND DOWN ONTO THE RIGHT SIDE OF HIS CHIN. AS BLOOD EJACULATES FROM HIS FACE, GUAN FEI DESPERATELY TRIES TO PUSH THE CHAINSAW AWAY. HOWEVER, HIS STRENGTH CANNOT COMPARE TO THE ANT KING’S AND THE CHAINSAW STILL INCHES IT AWAY INTO HIS HEAD.

“KCK … KCK … KCK!” GUAN FEI GRUNTS AS THE BLADES TEAR INTO HIS BONE MILIMETER BY MILIMETER! WITH NO OTHER RECOURSE, GUAN FEI SUCKS HIS NOSTRILS SHUT AND FORCES AIR THROUGH HIS EMPTY EYE SOCKET, SQUIRTING BLOOD INTO ANT KING’S EYES! AS ANT KING WINCES, GUAN FEI LEAPS UP AND DROP KICKS THE FUCKING CHAINSAW AWAY, SENDING INTO THE ANT KING’S CHEST!

J.R.: BAAH GAWD!!

“BLRUKK!” ANT KING MUTTERS AS BLOOD DRIPS THROUGH THE CRACKS IN HIS TEETH. THE CHAINSAW HAD BROKEN THROUGH HIS TOUGH EXOSKELETON AND INTO HIS FLESH. AS GUAN FEI CLIMBS TO HIS FEET, THE ANT KING YANKS OUT THE CHAINSAW AND DROPS IT TO THE GROUND. GUAN FEI RUSHES FORWARD AND SLAMS A PALM INTO THE ANT KING’S FACE, SMASHING THE METAL WELDING MASK INTO HIS SKULL.

W.W.: I WANT TO TEAR MY FACE OFF.

The Ant King slumps up against the wall of an abandoned building, blood pouring down from under the welding mask. As more zombies begin to shamble into the town, GUAN FEI KNEELS DOWN and TAKES A SPRINTER’S STANCE. GUAN FEI’S MASSIVE LEG MUSCLES BEGIN TO FLEX OUT, THE SOUND OF LEATHER RIPPING ACCOMPANYING THE FLEXING.

“THIS IS IT, ANT KING! JADE SPEAR!!” GUAN FEI SCREAMS AS HE ROCKETS FORWARD AT RETARDED SPEEDS, CRACKING OPEN THE GROUND BEHIND HIM AND KILLING 50 ZOMBIES WITH ROCKS THAT EXPLODED OUT FROM UNDER FEI’S FEET! A PLUME OF SMOKE COVERS THE AREA AS GUAN FEI COLLIDES. THE BUILDING BEHIND THE ANT KING CRUMBLES ON IMPACT.

J.R.: JADE SPEAR! JADE SPEAR! ANT KING MAY BE … !

THE SMOKE CLEARS AND THE ANT KING IS NOWHERE TO BE FOUND. GUAN FEI IMMEDIATELY LOOKS UP TO SEE THE ANT KING HANGING FROM THE ROCK-CHOPPER.

W.W.: YAAAAAAAAA!! HE’S ALIVE!

J.R.: FOLKS, THE ANT KING HAS JUST LEAPT ONTO OUR CHOPPER! HE’S HANGING ABOVE!

GUAN FEI IMMEDIATELY WHIPS HIS NECK UPWARD, SENDING THE REMAINING WEAPONS ATTACHED TO GUAN FEI’S BEARD FLYING AT THE ANT KING. THE ANT KING DEFLECTS THE SWORDS, SPEARS, MACES, AND AXES WITH HIS CHAINSAWS. HE MANAGES TO DEFEND AGAINST MOST, BREAKING A CHAINSAW IN THE PROCESS, BUT ONE SPEAR MANAGES TO PIERCE THE HULL OF THE COPTER

J.R.: AND THROUGH WARRIOR’S FUCKING ARM!!

W.W.: FUUCK YEAAAAAH!!

J.R.: JESUS! WARRIOR, KEEP CONTROL OF THE CHOPPER!

W.W.: MMMM! I’M GETTING FUCKING PUMPED!

AS WARRIOR LOSES CONTROL AND THE FTUW CHOPPER HEADS FURTHER WEST, GUAN FEI USES HIS MASSIVE LEG MUSCLES TO LEAP INTO THE GODDAMNED AIR!

”JAAADE SPEAAAR!!” GUAN FEI SCREAMS AS HE COLLIDES WITH ANT KING, SLAMMING HIM INTO THE BOTTOM OF THE HELICOPTER. ALL OF ANT KING’S WOUND GUSH BLOOD AS HE BEGINS TO FALL. GUAN FEI HANGS FROM ONE LANDING STRUT OF THE CHOPPER, TAUNTING HIM.

“I AM THE STRONGEST, ANT KING!!” GUAN FEI SHOUTS. USING THE CHAINSAW NUNCHAKU, ANT KING SWINGS IT AND WRAPS IT AROUND THE OTHER LANDING STRUT. ANT KING PULLS HIMSELF UP AS GUAN FEI SNAPS THE CHAIN IN HALF, GRABBING ONTO THE BOTTOM OF THE PLANE AT THE LAST SECOND.

J.R.: ALTHOUGH I REALLY CAN’T TELL, I’M ASSUMING THE ANT KING AND GUAN FEI ARE BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF EACH OTHER BELOW US.

THE ANT KING VICIOUSLY ATTACKS GUAN FEI’S CHEST WITH A SERIES OF KICKS. GUAN FEI THEN BEGINS BLOCKING WITH HIS LEGS AND THE TWO TRADE BLOWS IN A HIGHLY FAST AND HIGHLY AWESOME KUNG FU BATTLE AS THE FTUW CHOPPER INADVERTENTLY RACES TOWARDS THE FINISH LINE!

J.R.: IT’S ALMOST MORNING NOW AND NOW IT’S VERY CLEAR BY THE SOUNDS THAT THEY ARE KILLING EACH OTHER. IN JUST AN HOUR THE RACE WILL BE DECLARED FINISH REGARDLESS IF PARTICIPANTS CROSS THE FINISH LINE OR NOT. AND NOW, THESE TWO MEN, ARE A MERE FIFTY MILES FROM THAT FINISH LINE. WHO WILL BE CHAMPION?! WILL I BE DEAD SOON? Fucking goddamn award.

GUAN FEI IS BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF ANT KING, SHOWERING THE GROUND BELOW THE TWO WITH HIS BLOOD, WITH HIS POWERFUL KICKS.

“THIS IS WHY I’M THE STRONGEST!” GUAN FEI SHOUTS, “YOU CAN ONLY USE YOUR FISTS OR GUNS! I HAVE MASTERED OVER 100 MARTIAL ART STYLES!”

J.R.: We’re high over California now, PERHAPS A BIT HIGHER THAN SHOULD BE. WARRIOR, MAYBE WE SHOULD BE LOWERED A BIT.

WARRIOR LIES IN HIS SEAT, THE CONTROLS GRIPPED TIGHTLY IN HIS HANDS, HIS EYES GLAZED OVER DUE TO AN EXTREME ADRENALINE RUSH.

J.R.: WARRIOR?

“YOU … CAN’T … BEAAAAT MEEEEEE!!” FEI SCREAMS. ANT KING’S EYES SNAP OPEN IN RESPONSE, AND HE BELLOWS OUT OF HIS WAR CRY.

“FUUUCKKK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!” ANT KING LEAPS FUCKING FORWARD AND GRABS GUAN FEI BY THE LEGS. THE WEIGHT CAUSES THE LANDING STRUT GUAN FEI IS HOLDING TO SNAP OFF! THE ANT KING THEN FUCKING POWERBOMBS BACK TO THE GODDAMN EARTH FROM 100 FEET IN THE MOTHERFUCKING AIR!!

“AAAANNNTTT KIIIIINNG!!” HE SCREAMS.

J.R.: WAIT! THERE THEY ARE! THERE THEY ARE!! BAAAAAAAAAH GAAAAAAAAWD!!

THE TWO CRASH DOWN ONTO THE GROUND, BOTH BREAKING AN EXTREME AMOUNT BONES. ANT KING WEAKLY CLIMBS TO A SITTING POSITION, WATCHING THE ROCK CHOPPER CRASH OFF IN THE DISTANCE.

HE THEN LOOKS AT HIS TWISTED AND MANGLED ARMS, SHATTERED AND BROKEN BEYOND RECOGNITION. COMPLETELY UNUSABLE.

HE STRUGGLES TO HIS FEET, A BOILING RAGE BURNING DEEP INSIDE. WITH EACH STEP HE TAKES, PAIN SURGES THROUGH HIS BODY AND BLOOD DRIPS FROM EXOSKELETON. THE ANGER AND HATE HE FEELS GROWS WITH EACH STEP. HE IS ENRAGED BECAUSE HE KNOWS THAT SOMEWHERE IN THIS DESERT GUAN FEI IS STILL ALIVE AND THIS FUCKING ANGER WON’T GO AWAY UNTIL YOU SAPS EVERY LAST BIT OF MOTHERFUCKING LIFE FROM HIS GODDAMNED BODY.

ANT KING TAKES A FEW STEPS AND SEES SOMETHING LYING IN THE DIRT. IMMEDIATELY, WITHOUT EVEN THINKING ABOUT IT, HE BEGINS SLAMMING HIS SHITFUCKING FACE INTO A LARGE ROCK JUTTING UP FROM THE DIRT. HE FUCKING SLAMS HIS WELDING MASK-COVERED FACE OVER AND OVER INTO THE ROCK, BLOOD SPITTING OUT FROM THE CORNERS. THE WELDING MASK THAT WAS JAMMED INTO ANT KING’S SKULL FROM GUAN FEI’S VICIOUS PALM EXPLODES OFF OF HIS FACE.

“GRAAAAAAAAAGH!!” ANT KING SCREAMS, HIS FACE DRENCHED IN CRIMSON WITH SHARDS OF METAL STICKING OUT OF IT. HE WALKS OVER TO THE FUCKING CHAINSAW STUCK IN THE DIRT AND BITES THE HANDLE. STEPPING ON THE PULL CORD, HE REVS THAT MOTHERFUCKER UP!

“TIME TO GET SOME KILLING DONE,” ANT KING MUTTERS.

OUTSIDE THE PLANE WRECKAGE, WARRIOR WARRIOR HOISTS JIM ROSS OVER HIS SHOULDERS. HE STOPS AND SNIFFS THE AIR. PICKING UP THE SCENT OF ADRENALINE FROM THE TWO FIGHTER’S EXTREME GODDAMN ANGER, HE HEADS FORWARD.

W.W.: I’M NOT GOING TO MISS THE FIGHT OF THE FUCKING CENTURY SINCE YOU’RE BEING A PUSSY!

AND ON THE FUCKING HORIZON IS GUAN FEI, COVERED FROM HEAD TO TOE IN BLOOD. HE STUMBLES FORWARD, POSSESED, A WARRIOR ON THE BRINK OF DEATH. ANT KING SEES THIS AND WITHOUT ANY HESITATION CHARGES STRAIGHT FOR HIM.

“AAAAAANT KIIIIIIIIIING!! COME!! LET US JOURNEY INTO HELL!!”

J.R.: THIS IS IT!! THE FINAL SHOWDOWN!!

W.W.: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!

ANT KING CHARGES FORWARD WITH HIS CHAINSAW JUTTING FROM HIS GODDAMN MOUTH. IMMEDIATELY HE COLLIDES WITH GUAN FEI, FEI STOPPING THE CHAINSAW BETWEEN HIS HANDS. FEI DOESN’T EVEN FUCKING FLINCH AS BLOOD SPRAYS RIGHT IN HIS FACE FROM THE BLADES TEARING HIS HANDS APART. ANT KING YANKS THE FUCKING CHAINSAW BACK AND SWINGS AGAIN, SLASHING OPEN GUAN FEI’S CHEST. GUAN FEI IGNORES IT AND BASHES ANT KING’S FACE IN WITH HIS FIST. ANT KING SHRUGS IT OVER AND SLAMS THE CHAINSAW INTO GUAN FEI ONCE MORE.

“I WILL KILL YOU!! I MUST KILL YOU!!” ANT KING SCREAMS WITH A CHAINSAW IN HIS MOUTH.

“THE MAN THAT GOD HIMSELF CANNOT DESTROY WILL NOT DIE HERE TODAY!!” GUAN FEI SCREAMS BACK.

W.W.: FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKDSGOGFK JGOKA!@!IBNFnlfa!

GUAN FEI PULLS BACK HIS FIST AND DRAWS HIS LIFE FORCE INTO IT. THE 10,000 CUTS ON GUAN FEI’S BODY BEGIN TO CRY BLOOD AS THE LAST BIT OF HIS FUCKING ENERGY IS PLACED INTO HIS FIST.

ANT KING UNLEASHES A ROAR AS HE FUCKING FLEXES THE SHIT OUT OF HIS ENTIRE BODY. BUILDING UP POWER, THE ANT KING’S FUCKING EXOSKELETON BEGINS TO CRACK UNDER HIS BULGING MUSCLES.

“THE HEAVENS ARE ON MY SIDE, KING OF ANTS!!” GUAN FEI HURLS HIS FIST FORWARD.

“EAAAAAAAAAT MYYYYY SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTT!!!!” ANT KING STABS THE CHAINSAW FORWARD.

GUAN FEI’S FUCKING FIST COLLIDES WITH THE CHAINSAW AND MOTHERFUCKING EXPLODES IT!! GUAN FEI SMILES AS HIS FIST CONTINUES THROUGH THE CHAINSAW, REDUCING IT TO NOTHING, AND CRAWLS UP TO ANT KING’S FACE.

J.R.: BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWDD!!

THE FUCKING FIST STOPS. WHEN GUAN FEI CRASHED TO THE EARTH, ALL OF HIS BONES BROKE AND ALL OF HIS MUSCLES SNAPPED. IT WAS HIS FIGHTING SPIRIT THAT CONTINUED TO PUSH HIM THIS FAR BUT THIS IS AS FAR AS HE GOES. NOW HE WATCHES IN FRONT OF HIM THE MAN WHO WILL BE CALLED THE WORLD’S STRONGEST!!

“GUAAAAAAAAN FEEIIIIIII!!!”

GUAN FEI WATCHES, UNFLINCHING.

“JET LI KUNG FU STRIKE!!” ANT KING SCREAMS AS HIS FUCKING EXOSKELETON BURSTS FROM HIS BODY, EXPOSING THE BLOODY MUSCLES UNDERNEATH. BEYOND POSSIBILITY, ANT KING LIFTS HIS OBLITERATED ARMS WITH SHEER WILLPOWER AND BEGINS HIS ATTACK. HE FIRES OFF LIGHTNING FAST KICKS AND PUNCHES INTO FEI’S BODY. 50, 100, 200, 500, 1000!! BLOOD IS FUCKING SHOOTING EVERYWHERE, CHUNKS OF GUAN FEI ARE FLYING OFF AT RANDOM AS THE ANT KING POURS EVERYTHING HE HAS INTO THIS FINAL ATTACK!!

THE 1478th HIT LANDS SQUARE ON GUAN FEI, THE MINISTER OF BEARDS, CHEST, THE ENTIRE COMBO LASTING NO LONGER THAN FIVE SECONDS. ANT KING’S ARM BEGINS TO SPRAY BLOOD AND HIS ARMS DROPS, GUAN FEI STANDING THERE. A SECOND PASSES AND GUAN FEI’S TORSO EXPLODES, LEAVING A GIANT, GAPING HOLE IN HIS FUCKING BODY.

“To think … I thought we were even in every way, shape, and form,” GUAN FEI STANDS THERE PROUDLY, A BASKETBALL-SIZED HOLE IN HIS MOTHERFUCKING CHEST. REGARDLESS OF NOT HAVING ANY GODDAMNED LUNGS, HEART, OR FUCKING ANYTHING, THE PROUD WARRIOR FROM CHINA STANDS THERE, HIS MAJESTIC BEARD BLOWING IN THE WIND.

“GUAN FEI … !!” ANT KING CHOKES OUT, A SINGLE TEAR ROLLING DOWN HIS CHEEK.

“I know now, I understand it. YOUR FISTS CARRY THE POWER OF LOVE, and that was … THE DIFFERENCE!!” Guan Fei smiles, “These fists of mine have forgotten love long ago …”

GUAN FEI LOOKS UP TO THE SKY AND SMILES, A TEAR STREAMING DOWN HIS CHEEK.

“ZHAO LI, my loyal comrade. MOOLY, my eternal friend. PAI MEI, my wife. And GUAN NO … even my son!” he says, “I FORGOT ALL OF YOU. I FORGOT YOUR LOVE. AND THAT IS WHY I LOST.”

THE SUN SLOWLY RISES UP, DECLARING MORNING AND THE END OF ONE OF THE BLOODIEST DAYS IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD. THE SUN PEAKS OVER THE MOUNTAINS AND ILLUMINATES ANT KING’S WEATHERED VISAGE, THE PIERCING GLOW SHINING THROUGH THE MASSIVE FUCKING HOLE IN GUAN FEI’S CHEST. THE TWO STAND THERE, SILHOUETTED AGAINST THE SUNRISE.

“Now then, it’s time for K’UNT-SMAK TO RETURN TO THE SKY AND JOIN HIS ANCESTORS,” GUAN FEI LOOKS UP AS A FLOCK OF DOVES SOAR ABOVE. RAISING HIS FIST, HE GRITS HIS TEETH AND AN OTHERWORDLY GLOW EMANATES FROM HIM.

“WATCH ME IN MY LAST MOMENTS, KING OF ANTS!” GUAN FEI SHOUTS. SUDDENLY, HIS VEINS BEGIN TO FUCKING BULGE THROUGH HIS SKIN, HIS MUSCLES QUAKING FROM THE GREAT POWER SURGING FORTH FROM HIS SOUL!

A MONTAGE OF ALL THE TIMES ANT KING AND GUAN FEI BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF EACH OTHER PLAYS INSIDE ANT KING’S RADIOACTIVE BRAIN. THE GUN TURRET STICKING OUT OF ANT KING’S ASS, WHEN GUAN THREW A BALL OF HORNETS AT ANT KING, WHEN THEY STOOD ATOP FUCK HILL WITH EACH OTHER’S FLAGS IMPALING THEM WHILE THEY CONTINUED TO BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF EACH OTHER. THE ANT KING SMILES AS GUAN FEI IS CONSUMED BY THE GLOW.

“I HAVE NO REGRETS IN MY EXISTENCE!!!”

AND WITH THOSE WORDS, GUAN FEI FUCKING EXPLODES!!

J.R.: WIANHBSFHAHAI”GHBAIGGAKFHSAFILHSFILHASLFIH!!IOGBHDAOSF

THE ANT KING, COVERED IN HEAD TO TOE IN GUAN FEI CHUNKS, RISES UP FROM THE GROUND. GUAN FEI’S BEARD SPLITS INTO A MILLION SINGLE HAIRS AND IS GENTLY BLOWN AWAY IN THE WIND.

“Guan Fei … THE WORLD WILL NEVER FORGET YOU, MOTHER BITCH!!”

W.W.: That fucking chink … despite the fact that was born in the shittiest part of the world, the Non-Americas, he was truly … A GREAT WARRIOR!

J.R.: ALTHOUGH GUAN FEI was DESPICABLY EVIL ASSHOLE, for some reason his last minute change of heart FILLS ME WITH SORROW OVER THIS GREAT TRAGEDY!

As the ANT KING pays his final respects to his ultimate rival, a FIGURE EMERGES THROUGH THE ROLLING DUST CLOUDS OF THE WASTLELAND. IT IS THAT FIGURED CLAD IN PERPETUAL SHADOW, “THAT MAN.”

“WHAT THE GAY FUCK DO YOU WANT?!” ANT KING MUTTERS AT THE INTRUDER INVADING THIS NEWLY CHRISTENED HOLY GROUND. “That Man” ignores him and continues his slow march towards the ANT KING.

“YOUR LIFE!” the FIGURE SHOUTS before DASHING FORWARD. As “THAT MAN” closes in with BLINDING SPEED, the ANT KING LEAPS FORWARD AND PULLS BACK A FIST.

J.R.: “THAT MAN”! HE’S STILL IN THIS!

W.W.: RAPE HIM, ANT KING!!

“FAAAAAACKKK YOUUUUU!!!!” THE ANT KING SCREAMS BLOOD EVERYWHERE. HOWEVER, AS HIS FOOT HITS THE GROUND, A SURGE OF OVERWHELMING PAIN SHOOTS THROUGH HIS BODY. THIS IS THE EXACT MOMENT THAT EVERY SINGLE MUSCLE IN HIS BODY HAS REACHED ITS BREAKING POINT, SNAPPING AND RENDERING ANT KING ESSENTIALLY PARALYZED!

THE EPIC FINAL BATTLE WITH GUAN FEI HAS LEFT ANT KING HELPLESS!!

“I CAN’T MOTHERFUCKING MOVE …” THE ANT KING LOOKS DOWN AT HIS PARALYZED BODY. HE WATCHES AS “THAT MAN” APPROACHES IN SLOW-MOTION. THE ANT KING’S BRAIN DESPERATELY SENDS COMMANDS THAT HIS BODY CAN’T PERFORM, RANDOM JOINTS SQUIRTING BLOOD IN RESPONSE!

“GWUH!!” ANT KING MUTTERS AS “THAT MAN”’S FIST LIES SQUARE ON ANT KING’S STERNUM. HE LOOKS DOWN AND SEES THE HAND, SLEEK AND MECHANICAL, LEAVING A SMALL CRACK ON ANT KING’S EXOSKELETON. THE ANT KING BLINKS. WHEN HIS EYES RE-OPEN, HIS TORSO IS MOTHERFUCKING GONE!!

W.W.: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

BLOOD SHOOTS OUT OF J.R.’S MOUTH LIKE A GODDAMNED GEYSER IN LIEU OF “BAH GAWD!”

THE PARTS OF THE ANT KING FALL ONTO THE DUSTY GROUND OF THE WASTELAND IN A BLOODY HEAP. THE CLOAKED FIGURE STANDS THERE, LOOKING AT HIS CRIMSON-SOAKED, METALLIC FINGERS.

“W-W-W-WHO ARE YOU … ?!” ANT KING’S HEAD WEAKLY SAYS.

AND WITH THAT, THE CLOAK IS REMOVED.

J.R.: BAAAAH GAAAWD!! BAAAAH GAAAWD!! IT’S-

At this point, J.R.’s cries are muted. He continues to scream into his headset but no sound can be heard on the broadcast. Soon, he slumps lifelessly onto the announcer’s table due to vomiting all of his blood in response to ANT KING EXPLODING.

DURING THE HORRIFIC AND MADDENING SILENCE, WARRIOR EXPRESSES HIS GREAT SORROW BY RIPPING HIS OWN FACE OFF!

The feed suddenly cuts as America watches with bated breath.

***

“THE FEED HAS BEEN CUT!” a FTUW STAFF MEMBER waiting at the FINISH LINE SHOUTS, “WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?! The race is going to end in three seconds!”

“No one showed up,” one of the Lightning brothers mumbles, “So the man with the most points wins. That means it’s Guan-“

“WAIT A MINUTE!” A MAN SCREAMS, “WE JUST REALIZED THAT THE NUCLEAR EXPLOSION CAUSED IN WYOMING WAS BY AN FTUW WRESTLER.”

“THAT MEANS … THE NEW FTUW CHAMPION IS … ROBERT MOTHERFUCKING MCCOY?!?!”

***

Handsomus STUMBLES through the forest, BLOOD dripping from his numerous wounds, using nearby trees as support. The jingling of his many belt buckles doesn’t wane, however, but GETS STRONGER as he heads further NORTH. A dark aura PRESSES DOWN ON HIM AND MAKES EACH STEP HEAVIER AND HEAVIER as he gets closer to his DESTINATION.

***

JOHN BAINES lies on a couch in the lobby of evacuated Las Vegas hotel, his body BATTERED AND CRUSHED from the intense battles that were waged on this day. After going Murderfuck, he wasn’t strong enough to continue fighting after Hard’Rok electrocuted him. George Washington looks over the unconscious Baines before leaping onto his CRYSTAL HORSE.

“Your part of the story will continue,” George Washington says as he grabs the REINS, “… but mine is about to end.” And with that, he gallops into the horizon.

***

AMERICA WATCHES, AND ONLY AMERICA, AS THE VIDEO FEED RESUMES. HOWEVER, IT IS NOT THE ANT KING THEY ARE WATCHING, BUT RATHER A MAN IN A WHITE SUIT SITTING AT A DESK, FACING THE CAMERA. He is completely surrounded by darkness and is alone. The camera focuses on him but cannot see past the SHADOW THAT OBSCURES HIS FACE.

“Good morning, people of the world,” the man speaks, “I apologize for interrupting your broadcast but I have some sad news for you.”

THE ANT KING STARES UP AT HIS MURDERER, EYES WIDE WITH HORROR.

“It can’t be …” he chokes out, “I RAPED YOU …”

“DEATH IS NOTHING COMPARED TO THE SUFFERING YOU PUT ME THROUGH,” THE TALL MAN, CLAD IN METALLIC CIRCUITRY FUSED DIRECTLY WITH HIS FLESH. A MACABRE GRIN DONS THE SCARRED AND TWISTED FACE OF COREY MOTHERFUCKING NGUYEN!!

“AND NOW … IN THE NAME OF OUR LORD … I WILL SEND YOU TO HELL, FAGGOT!” HE SAYS, RAISING HIS BOOT.

THE CAMERA PANS OUT AS THE RESURRECTED COREY NGUYEN CRUSHES THE ANT KING’S FUCKING SKULL.

“The world has become sick,” the man continues with his broadcast.

A TRAIL OF BLOOD FOLLOWS HANDSOMUS AS HE CLIMBS HIGHER AND HIGHER THROUGH THE FOREST. HIS BELT BUCKLES SHAKE HARDER AND HARDER WITH EACH FUCKING STEP.

The crowd consisting of ALL THE WORLD’S LEADERS listens to their hero that has pledged to save the world. HE STANDS AT THE PODIUM, IN HIS WHITE SUIT, A BRIGHT LIGHT FLARING IN THE CAMERA DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF HIS HEAD, HIDING HIS IDENTITY.

“The world has become sick,” the savior begins.

“The FTUW has created a culture that thrives on SUFFERING,” the man addressing the world speaks, “It has defined human existence as never-ending misery. The people of America have gave birth to this putrid, infectious torrent of pain and for what? Violence?”

AS HANDSOMUS TRUDGES UP THE MOUNTAINSIDE, SOMETHING LOOMS IN THE DISTANCE.

“Week in and week out the people of America tune in to watch MURDER,” the man addressing the world’s leaders continues, “They happily gorge themselves on the anger and the hate and the death that the FTUW puts out as ENTERTAINMENT. Lives are now considered meaningless when fans will do anything to get closer to the action.” The Secret Prime Minister stands behind his savior, beaming.

As Handsomus CONTINUES UPWARD, he sees DARKNESS CONTINUING TO RISE. The morning sun is completely eclipsed as Handsomus’ belt buckles nearly fly off THE FUCKING LEATHER.

“This … is … MADNESS,” the man addresses the world, punctuating by slamming a fist into his desk. Immediately it cuts to the man at the world peace summit reiterating those same words.

“THE WORLD WILL NOT STAND IDLY BY AND LET AMERICA AND THE FTUW SPREAD THEIR DISEASE ANY FURTHER.”

HANDSOMUS DIGS HIS FUCKING FINGERS INTO THE DIRT AND PULLS HIMSELF UPWARD, HIS BODY ON THE BRINK OF COLLAPSE FROM SEVERE EXHAUSTION.

“WE WILL REBUILD,” THE MAN IN WHITE POINTS A FINGER INTO OVER A BILLION HOMES WORLDWIDE.

“WE WILL BECOME STRONG,” THE MAN IN WHITE SLAMS HIS FIST INTO THE PODIUM TO RAUCOUS CHEERS.

“WE WILL BE FREE OF THE PLAGUE KNOWN AS ‘WRESTLING’!”

A cold wind blows Handsomus’ PRISTINE WHITE LOCKS as he reaches the summit. On the Canadian-American border stands THREE HUNDRED FOOT TALL WALL. A BLACK WALL COVERED IN FUCKING SPIKES AND RAZOR-WIRE, ASSURING NO ONE COULD PASS BY LAND. He turns his head and watches as, in the distance, SEVERAL THOUSAND COPTERS DROP ANOTHER BEHEMOTH SECTION OF WALL ACROSS THE BORDER.

“AND IF WE HAVE TO DO IT BY LIVING IN A WORLD WITHOUT AMERICA, SO BE IT,” the man in white tells the world.

HANDSOMUS’ BELT BUCKLES JINGLE HARDER THAN THEY HAVE EVER FUCKING JINGLED BEFORE. HANDSOMUS FEELS AN INTENSE PRESSURE AND LOOKS SKYWARD.

“The FTUW superstars ARE DEAD,” the man shouts at the world peace summit to NEAR ORGASMIC CHEERS.

“The FTUW STAFF, FROM THE VERY BOTTOM TO THE TIP TOP, ARE DEAD,” THE MAN TELLS THE WORLD.

THE SCREEN IN YOUR *BRAIN* IS SPLIT IN TWO, SHOWING BOTH MEN AS THEY SIMULTANEOUSLY FUCKING DECLARE WHAT FTUW’S FANS NEVER EXPECTED TO HEAR.

“THE FTUW IS DEAD!!”

Throughout the entire world, there is a slight pause.

And then a HORRIFIC SCREAM OF ANGUISH AND RAGE ECHOES OUT INTO THE GALAXY AS A BILLION PLUS FANS CRY OUT. WITHIN SECONDS THEY TAKE TO THE STREETS AND BEGIN SAVAGELY BEATING AND RAPING EACH OTHER TO DEATH. MEN AND WOMEN ARE BASHING THEIR FUCKING SKULLS INTO THE ROAD, OVER AND OVER, UNTIL THEY DIE, SOMETIMES BASHING THEIR CHILDREN’S SKULLS IN BEFORE THEIR OWN. THE MILITARY DOESN’T EVEN BOTHER TO STOP THE NATION-WIDE RIOT AS MOST OF THEM ARE EITHER BLOWING THEIR BRAINS OUT OR CRASHING JETS INTO BUILDINGS OR DRIVING TANKS DOWN THE STREET WHILE SCREAMING. THE DEATH COUNT SKY ROCKETS EXPONENTIALLY AS RIVERS OF BLOOD FLOW THROUGH CITIES ALL ACROSS AMERICA. FTUW FANS DROWN ON THIS BLOOD, THE VERY THING THEY CRAVED, AS AMERICA GODDAMNED FUCKING ENDS ITSELF!

“It can’t be …” Handsomus mutters, his lip trembling.

At the WORLD PEACE SUMMIT, the WORLD LEADERS ARE EXPLODING INTO APPLAUSE. THE MAN IN WHITE CONTINUES STANDING THERE AS HE IS SHOWERED WITH PRAISE.

The man in white on the television, however, sits patiently. In one home, he is transfixed on the blood-soaked television screen, waiting.

“And now that America is surely raping and murdering itself, I want to send a special message out to someone …” he says, leaning forward into the light, revealing a BANDAGED CLAD HEAD. A SYMBOL ADORNS HIS THE MASK.

“IT CAN’T BE!!” HANDSOMUS FALLS TO HIS KNEES, HOPELESS. ON TOP OF THAT FUCKING WALL IS A MAN IN A WHITE SUIT, HIS HEAD WRAPPED IN CLOTH, THE INFINITY SYMBOL DRAWN ON IT.

“HAAAAAANDSOOOOOMUUUUUUS …” THE MAN ON THE TELEVISION SAYS IN A PLAYFUL TONE.

“… LET’S PLAAAAAAAY!” THE MAN IN WHITE STANDING ON TOP OF THE WALL SHOUTS AS HANDSOMUS IS SCREAMING A SCREAM OF HOPELESSNESS, SLAMMING HIS FISTS INTO THE DIRT.

AND AT THE WORLD PEACE SUMMIT, THE MAN IN WHITE RAISES HIS ARMS UP IN VICTORY AS THE CROWD CHEERS FOR HIM.

“THELDORRIN!! THELDORRIN!! THELDORRIN!!”

THE CHANTS CONTINUE ON AND ON AS THELDORRIN STANDS THERE, SMILING THROUGH HIS MASK, CONTENT AS HE IS NOW A GOD.

AND EVERYTHING FUCKING FADES TO BLACK.










SEVERAL HOURS LATER, JOHN BAINES WAKES UP FROM HIS COMATOSE STATE. HE PULLS HIS OBLITERATED SELF TO HIS FEET AND STUMBLES THROUGH THE DARKNESS. ALTHOUGH HE IS WALKING ALONG A CITY STREET, THERE IS NO LIGHT FROM LAMPPOSTS TO GUIDE HIS PATH.

He TRUDGES through the blackness, his BOOTS splashing in something wet. Not far he sees a single RED LIGHT from a burning fire. He continues FORWARD, GROGGILY, TOWARDS THAT FIRE. AS HE GETS CLOSER, HE STUMBLES INTO SOMETHING AND TRIPS, CRACKING HIS JAW AGAINST THE CONCRETE. Cursing quickly, HE PULLS HIMSELF UP and LOOKS BACK TO SEE WHAT HE TRIPPED OVER: THE EVISCERATED CORPSE OF A PREGNANT WOMAN, HER WOMB TORN OPEN AND THE BABY INSIDE SNATCHED OUT.

AS VOMIT RISES UP IN HIS THROAT, HE SPINS HIS HEAD AROUND TO SEE BODIES EVERYWHERE. COVERING THE STREETS, PILED UP IN CORNERS, LYING IN POOLS OF BLOOD. THE DEAD ARE EVERYWHERE, THEIR BODIES MUTILATED IN INHUMAN FASHION. JOHN BAINES FRANTICALLY RUSHES FORWARD, GRABBED A STICK STUCK IN THE FIRE TO USE AS A TORCH AS HE FLEES THROUGH THE STREET.

BUT IT DOES NOTHING. FOR EVERY FIVE FEET HE RUNS HE SEES FIVE BODIES. CORPSES LINE THE SIDES OF BUILDING, HANGING FROM NOOSES AS PART OF A MASS SUICIDE. LYING IN A TRASH CAN HE SPOTS A MAN WHO HAD DEVOURED MOST OF HIS ARMS IN A FIT OF MADNESS BEFORE CHOKING TO DEATH ON HIS OWN FLESH. HE SPOTS ANOTHER MAN WHO WAS ABLE TO HAMMER THIRTY NAILS INTO HIS OWN FACE BEFORE SUCCUMBING TO DEATH.

“THIS CAN’T BE HAPPENING. THIS CAN’T BE FUCKING HAPPENING!” BAINES SCREAMS. HE COLLAPSES ON HIS KNEES AND LEANS BACK AND HOWLS, SLAMMING HIS FISTS INTO THE BLOODY GROUND. HE CONTINUES SCREAMING INTO THE SKY, CURSING EXISTENCE, AS THE CAMERA SLOWLY PANS UP. IT PANS UP PAST THE BURNING CITY AND HIGHER AND HIGHER UNTIL SEVERAL CITIES AND FINALLY UNTIL THE ENTIRETY OF NORTH AMERICA CAN BE SEEN. THE FLAMING DESTRUCTION ALL ACROSS THE COUNTRY SPELL OUT FOUR MOTHERFUCKING LETTERS:

F T U W




FTUW PART ONE: END

TO BE CONTINUED.
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