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FTUW'S KING SHIT OF FUCK PLANET (#18)

 
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Yogurtman
Odin
Joined: 03 Jan 2007
Posts: 2248
(Fri Feb 23, 2007 1:30 am)
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Post     FTUW'S KING SHIT OF FUCK PLANET (#18)

The screen is black. One can faintly hear the sound of a heartbeat growing louder and louder. The repeated beeping of an EKG machine joins the heartbeat, the rhythm increasing in speed with the heartbeat. FROM OUT OF NOWHERE, a guitar begins to squeal violently as the letters "F T U W" grow from a single white dot in the center of the screen. AS THE GUITAR'S SQUEAL REACHES ITS BREAKING POINT, THE LETTERS VIBRATE RETARDEDLY UNTIL THEY EXPLODE. The song is "Arcane Death Explosion" by Viscerape. The lead singer, Leitch, belts out a MONSTROUS GROAN in tune to footage of Ant King viciously raping Corey Nguyen.

#Graaaaaaaaaahh!!#

Handsomus R. Awesome and Theldorrin XIII trade titanic blows in the center of the ring. Sella Phayne slaps his chest, mouthing off while pointing his 9mm at the camera. A shot of the Jack Masterson getting impaled in the face with a SPEAR is followed by Puff Ryder FIRING OFF HIS EXTENDED BONG into Phayne's pick-up.

#COME-ON-COME-ON-COME-ON-COME-OOONNNRAAARGH!#

Baron Hoity von Toity DROPS AN ELBOW ONTO SAKETUMI'S SKULL. Masterson hurls a hatchet that flies into the mouth of the Minister of Beards, Guan Fei. Ooka Jooka flies HIGH ABOVE THE ARENA, his dick trailing behind him. Handsomus and Theldorrin clash CHARIOTS AT HIGH SPEEDS. Ant King SCREAMS and vomits up a SWARM OF HORNETS. Fancy Lala rolls around on the floor, shitting his pants, before the footage switches over to Kuroda plucking out Jonesie's eyeball with his toes.

#The RAAAAAPE! THE MURDAAAAAH! THE RAPE AND THE MURDDAAH MURDER RAAAPE!#

Krystol stands on the CELL IN THE HELL, Non-American Championship raised above his head. Saketumi and Jack Daniels HEADBUTT EACH OTHER OVER AND OVER, CAUSING THE GROUND AT THEIR FEET TO CRACK! Theldorrin XIV hovers above FUCK MOUNTAIN, wielding a massive MOLTEN BOULDER. Moloch Arschloch bites off Saito's fingers. Bin Destruction CRASHES DOWN FROM OUTER SPACE and collides into Puff Ryder's chest. Daniels hits both Theldorrin and Saketumi with bursts of flames.

#I CAN'T AH STOP THIS RAPING AND MURDAH-RING! YOU CAN'T STOP ALL THIS SUFFERING! GRAAAAARGH!!

Rakkyu Saketumi stands unconscious, dead, in his friends' arms, gripping the World Title belt tightly. A minigun BURSTS from ANT KING'S FUCKING ASS and STARTS FIRING ROUND AFTER ROUND as he feeds ammo down his goddamned throat. Charles Bronson emerges from a hardware store with chainsaws replacing his arms and legs.

#RAAAAAPE RAAAAAPE!!#

McHarris CLOTHESLINES THROUGH A FUCKING CAR. GUAN FEI AND THELDORRIN XIV FALL WHILE HUNDREDS OF FEET ABOVE GROUND, TRADING FISTS. HANDSOMUS R. AWESOME CRASHES A COMET INTO MADISON SQUARE GARDEN, BROUGHT BACK FROM THE DEAD. DANIELS, KENJIRO, HANDSOMUS, AND GUAN FEI ROCK THE FUCK OUT AND ERADICATE THELDORRIN OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH!

The music reaches it CRESCENDO as The Ant King and Guan Fei TRADE BLOWS WHILE BEING IMPALED WITH THEIR OPPONENT'S FLAGS. The FUCKING FTUW logo BURSTS THROUGH A BRICK WALL, blood spurting from the hole for some reason. The screen fades to black.

FTUW Entertainment 2006. All Rights Reserved.

"Also Sprach Zarathustra" fades in as the asteroid-turned-second moon-but called a planet known as FUCK PLANET fades into view. Terraformed by the richest engineers Hoity von Toity could buy, Fuck Planet orbits the Earth to act as a murderground for the FTUW superstars. A massive, mechanical penis jutting from planet's surface, perhaps as long as the diameter of the rock itself, acts as the superstars' Everest. Once they climb that dick, they'll fight the fearsome Guan Fei, FTUW Champion, squatting on top of it. But first, they have to fight through the other superstars and the dangers that lie on the planet itself ... and survive.

The theme to 2001: A Space Odyssey fades into "Orbital Orgy" by Viscerape as the pounding bassline of Curtis Black accompanies the dark rumble of James K. (for Killmurder) Leitch's scream. Our moon CRASHES into the SIDE of Fuck Planet, making the planet take the shape of a DICK with TWO BALLS, even if one of the balls is sort of jutting dangerously to the left. The planet then begins to CLOSE IN TOWARDS EARTH, ready to FUCK the GRAND CANYON or the MARIANAS TRENCH or something. As the world explodes, everyone is thankfully relieved to discover this is a well-done COMPUTER simulation.

J.R.: Hello folks, welcome to FTUW's KING SHIT OF FUCK PLANET! We're here, LIVE, on TOITY II, a spacecraft designed just so when Fuck Planet inevitably explodes, me and my partner WARRIOR W. WARRIOR won't die along with it! Tonight we have a special night, a PPV taking place entirely on an alien planet!

W.W.: That's right, Jim! Baron Hoity von Toity has created a new moon for Earth just for this Pay-Per-View. And despite the increase in tsunamis ravaging eastern hemisphere, it seems to have been a good investment! Pay-Per-View buyrates have almost eclipsed Extreme Hardcore 2007!

J.R.: This is one huge event, folks, and you can bet your top dollar it won't disappoint. So big, in fact, we had to hire THREE other commentating teams to help us out! As much as I'd like to call every single match here today, my doctor has told me if I scream BAH GAWD over one hundred times a night my heart will explode.

W.W.: But don't worry, we got the first block covered, along with the MAIN EVENT! Now, let's cut to our superstars who are being BLASTED OFF towards FUCK PLANET. Let's go to Junior Bruce Jr. who's standing by.

The feed switches over to Cape Canaveral as a man with big, orange sunglasses, beige jacket, and a yellow sash tied around his neck shows off his wide row of pearly whites to the camera.

Junior: All right, all right, and yes-sirree! Welcome America to Cape Canaveral where out FTUW superstars are ready to BLAST OFF to the stars to bring you the latest in greatest in blood and guts, tears and sweat, rape and murder, CARNAGE CARNAGE CARNAGE. I'm Junior Bruce Jr. and I'm going to try and get some parting words from these red-hot titans of terror!

Junior Bruce Jr. drags the camera as SMOKE covers the area as another rocket lifts off. Armed guards point HANDSOMUS R. AWESOME towards a circular pod attached to a rocket (with another pod, making it look like a dick and two balls. It's thematic.)

"I really don't know why I gotta climb in that thing. I can fly into space, you know," Handsomus tells the guard.

"Toity's orders, sorry," the guard says as he leads Handsomus to the ship.

Junior: Handsomus! Handsomus the legend, Handsomus the indestructible! First FTUW champion, turned black hole and back again, rocked that NASTY Theldorrin back to Hell! Handsomus! A word, please? Any message for your opponents!

"I'm going to beat their asses," Handsomus remarks, "Probably kill Guan Fei. He's a dick." Then Handsomus hops in the space craft. Junior Bruce rushes to another launchpad to see Arakaki Bunzo approaching the guards.

"And you are?" one guard asks. Bunzo stands there, in a school uniform covered in gay looking trinkets and wearing a foam pompadour. He stands at such an angle to try and maximize the shadows over his eyes.

"Kanzaki ... Kenjiro!" he says, then makes a samurai grunt. The guard eyes him and a photo of Kenjiro and DESPITE the glaring differences between him and the photo, he hilariously lets him into the pod.

Junior: Oh, there's one! Bin Destruction! Lost his head at Clusterfuck Chaos, lost his upper body at the Royal Raping! Ripped up, wiped out, battered, shattered, creamed, and reamed ... a dancer on the brink of death! Loved by thousands, hated by millions! This sandy stallion is looking to keep the gold with Musclepotamia! Any words, Mr. Destruction?

Destruction turns around and sees the camera and awkwardly gives a thumbs up.

"Uh, yes. Massul-poh-tam-yah," he recites, "Yeah!" Then he climbs into the pod, blasting off in the final rocket ship.

Junior: And there you have it, fight fans! I have a feeling we're going to see some FUNKY FATALITIES as these studs tear each other apart! Back to you, J.R.!

J.R.: And let's not waste anymore time! The first pods should be making their way to the planet now.

The wind howls over the barren prairie that is the site of King Shit of Fuck Planet’s first block, Rape. In spite of the almost assured death awaiting all those who witness this bloodfest, record crowds are in attendance as they murder each other for spare change just to shove down really desperate girls’ pants so they can flash their tits.

JR: Welcomes ladies and gentlemen to King Shit of Fuck Planet! I’m good ol’ Jay Arrrr and beside me is my ever-outgoing partner Warrior!

Warrior: *grunt*

JR: Any predictions tonight, Warrior?

Warrior: Yeah. My extremely heterosexual son will waste all of these losers and climb that mountain before ripping Guan Fei’s squinty eyes open so that he can show him his own guts being yanked out of his stomach!

JR: Very passionate. I’m liking Ant King’s chances to win this block and go the whole way.

Warrior: Oh god, Ant King’s in this block too? I’m so torn right now! God, why couldn’t my son be fighting Puff Ryder in the second round while Ant King rapes the lawyer prick?

The fans are on their feet going wild as they wait for the tournament to start. Todd Lightning makes his entrance and the crowd goes apeshit!

JR: These fans we’ve imported from Earth are so doggone excited that they’re going bananas over the ring announcer!

Todd Lightning picks up his microphone and is prepared to make his announcement when a gargantuan cube bursts out of the ground underneath him! He is undeterred.

Lightning: The matches in each block will follow specific rules unique to each one. For Rape block, the contestants will be fighting in our J. Mengele's Goodtime Feelwell Therapeuticube!

Warrior: Baron von Toity told about this, JR! Apparently it was the last execution device that infamous Nazi SS doctor Josef Mengele created before his death. His original intention was to trap Jews by putting a dollar bill inside and then crushing them into a fine paste to sell as a meal for low-income families.

JR: How barbaric!

Warrior: Poor people have to eat too, JR! At the beginning of my career, I wasn’t beyond eating a Jew or two to survive.

Lightning: Both wrestlers will enter the cube via airlocks that keep them separated from the outside environment. As the match progresses, the atmospheric pressure climbs ever higher until either someone wins or is splattered under the weight of their own bones!

The first two fighters, Robert McCoy and Ant King, are loaded into their airlocks. Back on Earth, two lonesome souls stare at television sets and pray for their loved one’s safety.

Thomas McCoy: You can do it, dad!

Piccolo: Don’t die, boss!

Somehow, Ant King hears this all the way from Fuck Planet.

Ant King: GODAMIT PICCOLO!! WHY THE FUCK WULD I DIE AGENST THIS THUNDERPUSSY!?!?! REMIND ME TO DESTROY YOUR ANUS WITH A FRENCH BAGETTE!!!1

The airlocks are pressurized and they open on the inside. Thus, the match starts!

McCoy starts off strong by bouncing off all six walls with his spring limbs. Using his momentum, he does a flying headbutt straight at Ant King!

McCoy: THIS IS FOR YOU THOMAS!

Ant King punches McCoy in the head and blasts him into the wall. McCoy isn’t moving.

The pressure is increasing in the cube but Ant King’s exoskeleton keeps him from feeling it. Robert McCoy on the other hand is already bleeding out of his ears and eyes. He tries to get up but Ant King jumps right on top of him! Using his teeth, Ant King rips off all four of Robert McCoy’s stumps! He doesn’t even have stumps to put springs on anymore!

JR: How much more can be taken from this man?!

Ant King pins McCoy and the cube counts 1-2-3.

JR: Wow. Just...wow.

Warrior: Just as well. McCoy would have popped like a balloon after another minute in there.

Ant King drops his trademark fuchsia speedo and begins to shit all over McCoy. The feces is filled with all sorts of indigestible food such as nuts and corn as a pyramid of crap is neatly piled 3 feet high on top of McCoy. Ant King is released from the cube and proceeds to party with the crowd.

JR: We’re really sorry about that opening match.

Michael Cole: Welcome to our second block here on Fuck Planet! This is Michael Cole, here with Jesse “The Mind” Ventura in order to call the Murder Division matches.

Jesse Ventura: My two boys from Musclepotamia are here in this block, plus one of the Douches of the Universe, Hard’rok. Sadly, Bin Destruction and Jack Daniels are being forced to fight each other in the first round due to Hoity von Toity’s ridiculous ego! I mean what the hell’s up with that guy?

MC: Well the competitors are all here, but there’s no ring! There’s only desert all around us!

Right on cue, a ring made of hardened sand emerges from a dune. The turnbuckles, ropes, mat, all sand! Baron von Toity appears on the video screen (also sand).

von Toity: Welcome wrestlers of the Murder Block! The matches here shall be Desert Race Death Matches! As you can see, the ring is made of sand compacted so hard that it feels like solid concrete. This makes the ring much harder than usual! Now direct your attention to the sun above! Pretty hot, huh? Well, it’s gonna get hotter! You see, that sun is actually a mammoth heat lamp orbiting Fuck Planet so that it always lies directly over this area. The temperature starts off at a breezy 95 degrees (35 Celsius to those more cultured people). For every minute that goes on in the match, the temperature rises by a degree.

The fans start hooting and hollering in spire of the fact that they too will be broiled alive.

von Toity: The temperature will reset after the first match. Then in the final match of the block, the sun will be set at a very lovely 65 degrees. Of course, instead of rising by a degree a minute, it will rise by a degree per second!

MC: W…wait, what about us?

Ventura sheds all his clothes and is down to a speedo.

JV: So this is your way of getting back at me von Toity? BRING IT ON!!!

Michael Cole also tries to shed some clothing, but Ventura forbids it. In fact, he covers Cole with blankets so he doesn’t have to see him. Lester Lightning, most expendable of the Lightning brothers, is the ring announcer.

LL: This is the first match of Murder Block’s tournament to determine who will be among the final four to attempt Fuck Mountain! Coming to the ring first from Bourbon County, Kentucky, weighing in at 275 pounds, Jack “Jim Beam” Daniels!

Daniels leaps into the ring and flips around, showing his high-flying prowess and incredible new muscles. However, when he tries to bounces off of the ropes, they don’t stretch at all.

MC: The ropes are made out of hardened sand! Jack Daniels can’t use them for his high-flying attacks and Bin Destruction can’t use them to perform Super 9/11s or other super moves!

JV: GODFUCKASJKLFSAKLJFASLGF!

LL: And his opponent, from glorious Jihadistan, weighing in at 198 pounds, The All-Mighty, Non-Forgiving, Non-Merciful, Mohammad Jaffer Bin Abdul DESTRUCTION!

Bin Destruction climbs into the ring and feels really bad about having to face his friend

Bin Destruction: Friend Jack gave me the ice of cream and took me to see Mickey the Mouse. I cannot lay a hand upon him.

Before he can submit defeat, however, he turns to the crowd and sees them all waving mini-American flags.

Crowd: USA! USA!

JV: What in the shit?!

MC: I hear that Baron von Toity gave everyone in the crowd miniature American flags for this match-up. It seems that he has a small soft spot for America.

JV: Like hell he does!

Crowd: Daniels! Daniels! Daniels!

Bin Destruction doesn’t understand what’s going on. The crowd is cheering on Jack and booing him. The words “USA USA” ring over and over in his head. Jack Daniels doesn’t care about what the crowd has to say and gets ready to attack Bin Destruction as he promised he would.

Bin Destruction: Why…why do you yell those evil words at me? Friend Jack is getting of cheers but I humble servant of Allah (praise be upon him) am not?

Tears stream down Bin Destruction’s face as he pulls out a pair of box cutters.

Bin Destruction: I WISH TO BE LOVED LIKE FRIEND JACK!

A surprised Jack Daniels is forced to evade these lightning quick attacks. He flips Bin Destruction over and he crashes into the stone mat hard, busting his head open. The crowd cheers even harder.

Still crying, Bin Destruction makes it to his feet and charges at Jack Daniels. Daniels has no problem jumping in the air and stomping Bin Destruction’s face as he passes by. Bin Destruction comically flops around as he flies across the solid mat and crashes into the hardened ropes.

MC: This match seems rather one-sided.

JV: Damn straight! Jack’s been training all this last week with my awesome friend Arnold Schwarzenegger! He’s mastered the art of The Pump and doesn’t even need alcohol to power up anymore! Sorry Bin Destruction, but you may as well have laid down.

Suddenly, another ship full of fans flies overhead. The ship’s floor opens and the fans tumble 1000 feet and splatter on the sand ring. Blood and guts fly everywhere. Suddenly, Bin Destruction’s beard lights on fire and his muscles bulge.

Von Toity: Oops, looks like the Hebrew Wrestling Association fan club had a bit on an accident landing on Fuck Planet. Oh well!

Suddenly, Bin Destruction is fully rejuvenated and charges at JD. Daniels tries to leapfrog his opponent again, but this time he’s caught and smashed down on the ring. Bin Destruction sits on Jack’s chest and begins pummeling him with punches, the blood in his eyes obscuring his vision and driving him insane.

Bin Destruction: GRAAAAAAAA! DEATH TO AMERICA! DEATH TO ZION! DEATH TO YOU!

Jack puts his arms up and manages to block the rain of blows being thrown at him. Fortunately, his training paid off and the attacks cause minimal damage so long as he blocks. However, he can’t lay there all day.

MC: Daniels is in a pinch! When Bin Destruction gets like this, there’s no stopping him! Someone’s got to die!

JD dodges one of Bin Destruction’s punches and uses the momentum to flip positions. Now Daniels is on top. He attempts to punch Bin Destruction, but the terrorist menace smiles and sinks into the sand mat. Jack punches the rock-hard mat and wounds his hand.

Bin Destruction: Ho ho ho! Evil American, your ignorance will be your undoing! I am one with the sand! This whole place is perfect for your execution!

Bin Destruction leaps out of the mat and grabs Daniels from behind! He’s going for a German suplex on the rock hard mat! It’ll likely split his head in two!

No! Daniels counters by using his hands to stop the suplex! He uses a handstand kick right to Bin Destruction’s chin to knock the man down! Daniels runs up to the top turnbuckle! He’s going for a Hell’s Splash!

WAIT! Spikes protrude from all four ring posts! Daniels’ right foot gets skewered and he falls down!

MC: More traps in the ring!

Daniels gets to his feet, but has to support all his weight on his left foot. He always begins to feel extremely hot. The thermometer on the video screen reads 110. Bin Destruction, a denizen of extremely hot environments, is unaffected.

Bin Destruction gets back to his feet and his fiery beard grows stronger with the increasing heat. He throws five box cutters at Daniels, who dodges them all perfectly. However, he loses sight of Bin Destruction while doing so. He can hear him shifting through the ring like a sand shark, but can’t see a thing.

Suddenly, a box cutter flies up through the sand! It catches Daniels right in the shoulder! Daniels flexes in time to keep it from penetrating his skin. Still, he can’t locate his opponent. What’s more, spikes begin shooting up all over! Daniels is forced to dodge them as well as the occasional box cutter and finds himself limited to only defense. The temperature is at 115.

Daniels leans on the rope, but burns his hand doing so. Think stepping on sand with your bare feet at the beach. Still, the fact that the ropes aren’t budging gives him an idea! Daniels stands on top of the ropes where the spikes can’t get him and waits for the next box cutter. It comes right towards his face! Jack grabs the box cutter in his teeth and leaps off of the rope! He brings his fist down on the spot where he saw the weapon come from and jams his hand right into the solid mat! He yanks out his arm and he has Bin Destruction by the throat! Daniels sweats profusely as he grips his ally by the throat. The temperature is 120.

Daniels begins squeezing Bin Destruction’s neck so hard that the oxygen to his brain gets cut off. His fiery beard can’t function without air and he falls in and out of consciousness. The fire goes out and Bin Destruction calms down.

Bin Destruction: F…friend Jack. What is going on? The heat is not unlike the armpit of a camel. Can we have some more creamed ice to be cooling our bodies?

Jack Daniels: Sure buddy.

But Daniels keeps squeezing his ally’s neck! Bin Destruction blacks out as veins begin to throb on JD’s forehead! He’s not relenting at all! He holds onto his opponent’s neck and runs at the rope, dodging spikes flying upwards all the way! Daniels jumps right off of one of the solid ropes while still holding Bin Destruction and chokeslams him right onto one of the ring posts, causing a spike to shoot out and impale his head!

MC: Hell’s Virtue onto the ring post trap! Oh my god, Bin Destruction has been totally destroyed!

JV: Stop throwing a hissy fit, Cole. Bin Destruction will be alive again tomorrow. Daniels needed to show who was boss, and it sure as hell isn’t Baron von Toity! In spite of all of that asshole’s efforts, Jack won this first match!

Daniels raises his hand in victory, then collapses from heat exhaustion. The thermometer is at 132 and Daniels was forced to run everywhere during that match.

von Toity: Well well, looks like it’s mission accomplished! It takes a real bastard to kill your own partner like that, Daniels. Good thing your flashy finish caused the match to go on ever longer and now you’re dead tired.

JV: NOOOOOOOOO!

MC: Wow! It looks like the baron always plans three steps ahead!

Marv Albert: Welcome back to FTUW's King Shit of Fuck Planet. I am your host for the Insanity bracket, Marv Albert, along with Bill Walton.

Bill Walton: Good evening, everyone.

MA: The competitors in the Insanity bracket, Bill, are the Puff Ryder, Rasheed Young, John Baines McGuinness, Impious, who is no longer a Prick, and Jack "the Hatchet" Masterson. I'd say these men fit the category pretty well.

BW: Oh, I agree, Marv. Without a doubt these men are insane. Except for Puff Ryder, who is a little crazy for marijuana, but as a Grateful Dead fan, I see no big problem with that.

MA: Let's begin by explaining the special rules for the Insanity bracket. This portion of Fuck Planet has been populated by patients from mental hospitals from around the world. The FTUW hired psychologists to profile each and everyone of them and only the most violent and unstable ones made the cut.

BW: Well, Marv, if the fighters are in the ring, why would it matter who populated Fuck Planet?

MA: I'm glad you asked, Bill. There are no rings in the Insanity bracket. Baron Hoity von Toity purchased 10 square blocks of the slums and trailer parks in and around Detroit, Michigan, and transported them to Fuck Planet, and this is where the fights will take place. The entire area has been fenced in so that the mental patients cannot escape and for the safety of the film crews, at least until they are forced to enter the arena to film the fight. By the way, the insane will be armed with knives, axes and planks of wood with nails in them, or any other weapons that were left in the tenement buildings.

BW: That is simply disgraceful. I absolutely cannot condone this kind of treatment of the insane. Sure, it's interesting for us, the mentally competent, but these people could get hurt! It's a disgrace.

MA: Well, Bill, the families of the mental patients signed a contract that gives them a life-time pass to any FTUW event in the case of the death of their loved one. Which, I suppose, is like one, two tickets tops, but it's the thought that counts.

BW: I guess.

MA: With that out of the way, let's send it to Neo Detroit where our first two wrestlers, Puff Ryder and John Baines will fight it out!

Through a split screen, we see the COMPETITORS enter through gates on opposite sides of Neo Detroit. John Baines cracks his knuckles in his fists and then pops his neck to each side. Puff Ryder lights a blunt and puts it between his lips. He exhales a cloud of smoke and smirks, "Let's show these motherfuckers what the real is."

The street is level and they can see each other from the full ten blocks away. Despite the distance, they both walk at a leisurely pace. The walls of the buildings are in poor shape and covered with graffiti. The wind blows and dust swirls in the air. The insane watch this incredibly dramatic scene from the windows and shout out nonsense.

John hears a gurgling sound behind him and then a body hits the pavement. He turns around and sees a completely nude man covered in blood with knives sticking out of his torso. The maniac pulls one out and charges at John Baines, screaming, "I SAW YOU LOOK AT MY DING DONG!"

BW: You never want to look at a naked guy's ding dong. John Baines was asking for this kind of reaction.

MA: I'll have to keep that in mind.

John catches the man's wrist in one hand and punches him in the elbow, dislocating the joint. The maniac drops his knife and his forearm hangs limp. Disarmed, the maniac begins wildly swinging his head around and biting the air, aiming for John.

"Listen, sir, I believe we can work this out without violence," John tries to reassure the obviously insane man. "If you put on some pants, perhaps borrowing from the gentleman you killed moments ago, no one will look at your, ahem, your 'ding dong.'"

"No! You'll still look at my ding dong! Everyone is always looking at my ding dong! They won't stop!"

BW: You cannot reason with a man after you look at his ding dong. I've made this mistake in the past and it is a very difficult situation to work out.

MA: Wait a moment, the ding dong man is pounding his head on the road! That is the international signal to the insane to come out of hiding for dinner! Look! Someone is stepping through a door! YES! AND HE'S WIELDING A BASEBALL BAT!

The baseball bat cracks in half as it comes into contact with the back of John Baines' skull. John drops to his knees and clutches his head. The ding dong man stands up and starts yelling at the bat man, "STOP STARING AT MY DING DONG," before he is impaled by the broken bat and falls to the ground dead.

"This is serious," John thinks.

BW: This is serious. This insane guy is strong and homicidal. And insane strength is a lot greater than you would expect.

MA: That's what I've been told by sources inside the NBA. That is why Ron Artest is undefeatable in unarmed combat.

John lunges for the knife and rolls over to face the bat man only to find that a dozen more insane fucks are with him. They all move in on the ding dong man's corpse and pull a knife out.

"YOU GODDAMNED FUCKS, I'LL CUT YOUR BALLS OFF!" JOHN BAINES LEAPS INTO THE AIR AND STABS THE BAT MAN IN THE STERNUM AND THEN LIFTS HIM UP BY THE HANDLE, THROWING THE BODY AT HIS PEERS, SENDING THEM SPRAWLING. HE STOMPS ONE'S HEAD INTO THE CEMENT AND PICKS UP DING DONG MAN'S CORPSE, PULLING KNIFE AFTER KNIFE OUT AND HURLING THEM RAPIDLY AT EACH PSYCHO.

MA: One of John Baines' trademark bouts of insanity. He had better hope he can keep it up for when Puff Ryder shows up.

BW: That's right, Marv. If more mental patients don't show up, he may lose his edge.

Puff Ryder stands atop a building watching the scene. The road is starting to run red with blood. He finishes his blunt and flicks the butt to the side. He hates to waste any of the sticky icky, but it's time for action. He jumps off the roof and lands behind John Baines.

"You wouldn't have to mess with those suckas if you could fly like me," Puff Ryder says, getting his opponent's attention. "But I figure you for one of those motherfuckers who afraid to get high."

John looks over his shoulder. His foot is planted on a crazy guy's back, the loop of John's tie long ago strangled him to death. John Baines pulls the knife from between his teeth and hurls it at Puff Ryder who laughs and turns to smoke, the knife passing right through.

"Come on, man. Ain't you watched none of my fights?" Puff Ryder asks, turning solid again. THEN THE STRANGLED MAN'S BODY FLIES THROUGH THE AIR AND KNOCKS PUFF RYDER TO THE GROUND.

MA: YES! John Baines realized there was a small recharge time for Puff Ryder's ability to turn from smoke to solid, and nailed him after he turned back!

BW: Brilliant strategy by the young coach.

"I don't like junkies, Rasheed," John Baines says jumping on Puff Ryder's chest. "But you're not a troublemaker. I've seen your grades, you're a smart guy. Why don't you use your mind and leave this shit behind you?"

"My name's not Rasheed," Puff Ryder gasps for breath, "I'M PUFF RYDER!" HE TURNS INTO SMOKE AND FLOATS BEHIND JOHN BAINES, PUTTING HIM IN A FULL NELSON. "You ain't in the turnbuckle, but I came up with a variation on the Black Widow for just an occasion like this!" PUFF RYDER JUMPS UP ONTO JOHN'S SHOULDERS AND PULLS BACK ON HIS ARMS, PULLING THEM OUT OF THE SOCKETS. HE DOES A BACKFLIP OFF OF JOHN, WHO FALLS TO THE GROUND IN PAIN.

MA: WHAT A MOVE! Not as gruesome as the standard Black Widow, but just as effective, it seems!

Puff Ryder conjures a joint from thin air and lights it. "You can't win without your arms, sucka, so just give it up."

John Baines grits his teeth and slowly gets to his feet. His arms dangle along his sides. "You haven't beaten me yet, Rasheed. Don't forget I gave you a chance." John moves his shoulders back and forth.

Puff Ryder doubles over in laughter. When he looks up, John Baines is spinning like a human tornado, his useless arms swinging to the side. Before he can react, Puff Ryder IS CAUGHT IN THE FACE AND SENT FLYING THROUGH A WALL. Using the break in the action, John slings his arms between his legs and pulls back, sending them back into the sockets, but they're still in pain from the dislocation.

MA: John Baines serves up a facial!

THEN THE FUCKING OMNI-BONG SHOOTS OUT OF THE BUILDING AND SMASHES JOHN BAINES THROUGH THE WALL OF THE OPPOSITE BUILDING.

John steps through the front door and sees Puff Ryder lighting another joint. While ripping off his ruined jacket and shirt he says, "I'll give you one more chance to attack, and then you're done. So make it a good one."

Puff Ryder puts the joint up to his mouth, "I'm in the mood for burnt crackas." THEN HE EXHALES THROUGH THE JOINT, BREATHING OUT A HUGE FLAME THAT CONSUMES THE ENTIRE BUILDING. BUT BEFORE HE CAN EVEN FINISH BLOWING, JOHN BAINES LEAPS THROUGH THE FLAMES AND CHOKESLAMS PUFF RYDER TO THE GROUND. JOHN'S SKIN IS BLACKENED BY THE FLAMES, BUT HE DOESN'T EVEN GIVE A SHIT AND KEEPS SLAMMING PUFF RYDER'S HEAD INTO THE PAVEMENT OVER AND OVER AGAIN. PUFF RYDER, CHOKING, CAN'T BREATHE SO HE'S UNABLE TO TRANSFORM INTO SMOKE.

When Puff Ryder finally loses consciousness, John Baines pins him because, hey, why not?

MA: And you know Puff Ryder would like to have that one back. With that, John Baines moves on to the next round of the tournament.

Styles: Welcome all to KING SHIT of FUCK PLANET! Beside me is Junior Bruce Jr., interviewer to the superstars, and tonight we’re going to bring you the FOURTH BLOCK of this tournament, BLOCK D: EXPLOSIONS! And speaking of explosions, it seems our competitors are arriving now!

Three space pods crash on a small island floating on the small ocean of Fuck Planet. The door one of pod is LAUNCHED off as the ASTRAL ADONIS himself, Handsomus R. Awesome, steps through the smoke and steps on the sandy beach of Fuck Planet. He arcs his head up to see Theldorrin XV, also known as Handsomus II, fall from the sky after riding his acoustic guitar, Guilty Gear.

“You got to ride your guitar here? That’s gay,” Handsomus remarks.

Arakaki Bunzo disguised as Kanzaki Kenjiro pops out of his pod upside-down. He turns his head to My Head Hurts 90’s pod to see it’s already opened and MHH gone.

“So that bastard’s around here, huh?” Bunzo kips to his feet and adjust his pompadour, “I’ll show him who’s he fuckin’ with …” In anger, he slams his fist into a nearby tree, which immediately PRODUCES SPIKES from the BARK that pierce his hand.

“UWOHH! A TAH TAH TAH!” BUNZO runs around comically, clutching his bleeding hand.

Junior: And what an excellent example of what I was just about to bring up! Baron Hoity von Toity didn’t terraform this asteroid just to make another habitable planet for humans! Where’s the fun in that?! That tree right there is one of the many species of animal and plant life scattered throughout Fuck Planet. Our ever-lovin’ owner has spliced and diced the genes of all beasts, creating some real baddies! If Kenjiro’s not careful, it won’t be My Head Hurts that’ll be his undoing!

Styles: Speaking of which, our first match should be about ready to start.

Bunzo sifts through the jungle until he steps out into a small clearing where a FTUW ring has been set up. Inside is the referee and none other than My Head Hurts 90, looking fucking smug as hell. Bunzo clenches his bloody fist at the incredibly arrogant site of MHH standing in the middle of the ring with his arms crossed like a dick.

“Mah Headah Hurtsoh …” Bunzo steps onto the apron, climbing through the ring, “Bastard …”

Styles: My Head Hurts 90 is kind of weird ring name, don’t you think?

Junior: MHH, a dangerous newcomer here to show everyone he’s the best! He’s taking on Kanzaki Kenjiro, Japanese slugger ready to kick ass and eat dimsum … and he’s all out of dimsum.

Styles: Right, say, doesn’t Kenjiro look a little different? Like taller and, well, uglier?

My Head Hurts leans up against the rope and crosses his legs as Bunzo steps into the ring. MHH then yawns as loud as he possibly can as Bunzo shoves his fists into his school uniform pockets and lets his DELINQUENT DEMEANOR take over?

“Ehhhh? So you think you can just take all our Japanese chicks, foreigner?” Bunzo squats in front of MHH and SNEERS before shoving his face uncomfortably close to My Head Hurts’, uh, head. “Got anything to say for yourself you … SHITDICK?”

MHH doesn’t respond. In fact, he doesn’t reciprocate Bunzo’s wiley-eyed glaring as he has his eyes closed to appear more like an asshole. He flips his blonde locks and snaps his fingers. SUDDENLY, from the TALL GRASS comes two tiny-tittied Japanese bitches. He slide into the ring in the sluttiest way possible and start rubbing MHH down. Bunzo steps back in horror, sweat starting to leak down from his pores.

“This … guy …” Bunzo clenches his teeth as every single inch of MHH’s devilishly handsome frame is caressed by the nimble fingers of these Asian mistresses.

Junior: My Head Hurts Ninety! MHH! Real popular with the ladies, but can his secret locker techniques pull out the win in the face of Kenjiro?

THE REFEREE STARTS THE BELL and BUNZO DASHES FORWARD, throwing a LUNGING FIST. MHH gracefully dodges to the left, flips his bangs, and sways to the other corner of the ring.

Styles: And Kenjiro starts it off with a HEAVY RIGHT but it only hits air! To be honest, his speed is a little lacking compared to his earlier fights. Has Kenjiro kept up his with training?

“You think … you can make me look like a fool in front of these ladies? Asshole …” Bunzo mutters, “BUNZO PAAAUNCH!!”

BUNZO JUMPS about THREE FEET INTO THE AIR and THROWS a FULL BODY HOOK but HITS NOTHING as MHH gracefully skids away. The girls giggle into their hands.

“OOOOH?! You laughing at me, huh?! TAKE A LOOK AT THIS!” BUNZO SAYS, hopping onto the turnbuckle and dropping his pants and SHOWING HIS DICK. The girls shriek.

“Gah hah hah! Which one of your wants to ride BIG BUNZO?!” he says, flopping his dick around while making an impossibly goofy face.

Styles: Some unorthodox tactics if I ever saw ‘em! Kenjiro is now, for a lack of a better word, PLAYING with his dick!

”How do you like that, bastard?” BUNZO cocks his head around to MHH who’s eyes are obscured with shadows, a slight vein pulsing on his temple. Bunzo’s grin switches to slight fear. “Oh shit … I pissed him off.”

“HNG!” MHH GRUNTS as he slams his PALMS into the MAT. INSTANTLY, a LOCKER BREAKS THROUGH THE MAT and RISES UP THROUGH THE RING POST, PROPELLING IT INTO BUNZO’S ASS!

“WAAAAAAAAAAAH!!” BUNZO SCREAMS as he flies comically through the air. He hits the dirt and skids along on his face as MHH lets out a little snicker. Bunzo climbs to his feet, adjusts his fake pompadour, and charges back into the ring.

“Asshole asshole asshole!” Bunzo continues cursing in Japanese, “I’ll get you!”

Styles: Kenjiro charging forward but if it’s anything like his last few attacks, I don’t see the point.

BUNZO throws a FLURRY of punches that MHH dodges. MHH slams him with a backhand and sends him into another LOCKER he just summoned from the floor. MHH charges to FOLLOW it up with a PUNCH but HIS FIST ONLY MEETS METAL. BUNZO has dodged, but not very athletically, as he’s crawling on his hands and knees away from MHH. My Head Hurts slams a palm into the ground and a LOCKER UPPERCUTS BUNZO IN THE DAMN FACE, SENDING HIM FLIPPING THROUGH THE AIR.

“Damn it damn it damn it!” Bunzo moves to the corner, “This guy is too tough! I gotta think of plan. Time to catch a breather!” BUNZO RUNS to the ROPES but a WALL OF LOCKERS IMPEDES HIS PATH. He turns his head to see MHH :smugging the fuck out.

Styles: I, uh, don’t know what to say folks. Kenjiro is, well, acting like a retard. What do you think, Junior?

Junior shuffles through a pile of papers with pre-written phrases.

BUNZO attempts to ATTACK the COCKY but admittedly badass MY HEAD HURTS with more desperate kicks and fists just to get his face slammed into a locker repeatedly. MY HEAD HURTS playfully tosses him into the corner and sends a LOCKER SPEEDING DIRECTLY INTO HIM. Bunzo spits up some blood and slumps down into the ground. He looks up and the LOCKER COMES FLYING AT HIM AGAINST, BASHING HIM AGAINST THE POLE!

Styles: That is a pretty retarded superpower but he’s getting the job done against Kenjiro! This is a pretty nice debut for this superstar.

“What did I come here for …” Bunzo thinks as he falls flat on the ground, “What am I doing? I’m no fighter. I’m just a coward.”

SUDDENLY, he hears the ASSHOLE DICK LAUGHTER OF MY HEAD HURTS. Bunzo raises his head to see MHH with his arms wrapped around the two ladies.

“Yeah, laugh it up dick, you win,” Bunzo says through his hazy vision, “You beat me. I should just take off my hair and end this charade before I embarrass Kenjiro any-“

THEN SUDDENLY HE SEES SOMETHING. SOMETHING BEHIND THE INCREDIBLY MANLY MY HEAD HURTS. IT’S THE PLANET EARTH. BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY, HE SEES JAPAN!

“That’s right,” Bunzo clenches a fist as JAPANESE FLUTES AND DRUMS play badassly in his head, “I remember why I came here.”

Styles: Despite the brutal punishment, KANZAKI KENJIRO gets up!

“That’s why I came here. Someone had to defend Japan’s honor!” Bunzo thinks. THEN HE POINTS a FINGER TOWARDS MHH DRAMATICALLY!

“OY! AMERICANER! Ret me SHOW YOU my … SUPAH TECHONIKU!” BUNZO SMILES. MHH cocks an eyebrow at his opponent’s garbled English. “ORYAAAH!”

Junior: KENJIRO! KENJIRO! The Beast from the East! The little Asian that could! He’s ready to go sickhouse on My Head Hurts, yes-sirree!

BUNZO CHARGES FORWARD, SCREAMING. MHH SLAMS A PALM DOWN and a LOCKER SPRINGS UP BUT BUNZO LEAPFROGS OVER IT!

“OPERATION …” BUNZO SAYS AS HE CLOSES IN ON MHH, “RUN AWAY!!” AND with THAT, HE CLOTHESLINES THE SHIT OUT OF ONE GIRL AND CARRIES AWAY as MHH IS SPEECHLESS! BUNZO THEN CARRIES THE GIRL OFF INTO THE JUNGLE!

Styles: What the?! He’s kidnapping one of MHH’s valets? What’s the meaning of this?

MHH LEAPS out of the ring and him and his remaining girl charge into the jungle.

Styles: Switch to the JUNGLE CAMS.

MHH steps cautiously through the jungle with his girl, wary of any traps that the JAP might have set for him.

“I’m scaaared, My Head Hurts Ninety-kun!” the girl tugs at his arm. MHH continues to march forward as manly as a million Kenshiros through the thick jungle. SUDDENLY, OUT OF NOWHERE, A GIANT WHITE APE LEAPS ONTO THE GROUND.

Junior: And introducing another one of Toity’s delicious traps, genetically-altered gorillas pumped full of steroids! That Toity is a clever guy!

The HULKING, RED-EYED GORILLA BEATS HIS BLUE CHEST as MHH stands there, unfazed. As THE GORILLA CHARGES, several lockers IMPEDE the MONKEY’S PATH. The monkey simply TEARS THROUGH THE STEEL, ready to RIP APART THE BEAUTIFUL BUT MASCULINE BODY OF MY HEAD HURTS. As he tears through the last locker, THE APE FINDS NO ONE. The ape SPINS AROUND to see MHH leaping from a TREE AND DROPKICKING HIM IN THE FUCKING FACE. The GORILLA flies into a LOCKER THAT JUST BURST FROM THE GROUND. Before he can move, THE DOOR SLAMS and he is SENT UNDERGROUND.

Styles: MHH just beat the shit out of a giant ape! But what of Kenjiro?!

“KYAAAAAAH!” the shrill cry of a Japanese schoolgirl cuts through the forest, coming from the DIRECTION OF THE RING. He charges FORWARD to see Bunzo sitting on a ringpost, his eyes obscured in shadows and his arms crossed.

Styles: Was that Kenjiro’s plan? To lead My Head Hurts Ninety into that massive monkey?

MHH sees a few lockers in the ring but instead chooses to use his fists to obliterate Kenjiro so he can savor the tactile pleasure of easily smashing his face to bits. MHH has a LOCKER BURST FROM THE GROUND UNDER HIS FEET, spring boarding him into the ring. AS HE FLIES TOWARDS KENJIRO, he notices something wrong!

”HUH?!” he utters as THAT’S NOT KENJIRO AT ALL! NOT BUNZO, EITHER! It’s his OTHER BITCH dressed up like BUNZO wearing his pompadours. THE ILLFITTING UNIFORM’S SLEEVES are tied around her back but from a distance it seemed like her arms were crossed. She attempts to cry through the gag in her mouth but it’s too late: THE TRICK HAS WORKED! BUNZO STEPS OUT OF A LOCKER FROM BEHIND, ONLY WEARING HIS UNDERWEAR AND AN INSIDEOUS GRIN.

“Geh heh heh … I’m gonna repay you for what you did to my ass, DICKSHIT!” BUNZO SCREAMS AS HE SLIDES FORWARD, “BUNZO KANCHO KEN! DYNAMITE ASSHOLE PUNCH!” HE SCREAMS AS HE SHOVES HIS FUCKING FIST INTO MHH’S ASS!

Styles: OH MY GOOOOOOOOD!! HE JUST FISTED THE SHIT OUT OF MHH! And hey, that’s NOT KENJIRO at all! The pompadour … it came RIGHT OFF!

MHH FLIES FROM THE RING HOLDING HIS ASS and CRASHES INTO THE FIELD IN FRONT OF HIM. He jerks his back to SEE BUNZO framing him with his fingers. As MHH climbs to his feet, Bunzo begins to speak.

“When I saw you clinging to those girls, I saw something inspiring behind you … that was the ISLAND OF JAPAN! The homeland of warriors!” Bunzo says, his arms on his hips, “But unfortunately, I’m a coward … and I don’t like to get punched in the face. But there was something else I saw that ‘inspired’ me even more …” AS HE SAYS THAT, HE POINTS UP. MHH’S FACE WARPS IN HORROR AS A GIANT SHADOW GROWS OVER HIM.

“It’s the ship carrying the FTUW fans!”

AND WITH THAT, A 747 MODIFIED SHITTILY INTO A SPACECRAFT FUCKING CRASHES INTO MHH, KILLING HIM ON IMPACT!

Styles: OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!

Junior: KENJIRO! A KILL! A CLEAN KILL! WOW!

FLAMING FANS rush from the wreckage SCREAMING and CHANTING “F-T-U-W!! F-T-U-W!!”

Styles: HE DID IT! That Japanese guy won!

“I did it, Kenjiro …” Bunzo smiles, “Maybe this’ll show you why Japan needs you …”

SUDDENLY, A LOCKER BURSTS OUT OF THE GROUND BEHIND HIM. BUNZO TURNS HIS HEAD SLOWLY, A HUGE AMOUNT OF PRESSURE OVERCOMING HIM. THE DOORS SLIDES OPEN AND MOTHERFUCKING MY HEAD HURTS NINETY STEPS OUT, DRAPED IN SHADOWS AND A SMALL TRAIL OF BLOOD TRICKLING FROM HIS LIP.

“N-No way …” Bunzo mutters. INSTANTLY, MHH KNEES HIM IN THE HEAD AND DROPS HIM TO THE GROUND. As BUNZO struggles to his feet, UNABLE TO OVERCOME THE SHOCK, MHH CLIMBS ONTO A NEARBY TURNBUCKLE.

Styles: He’s not DEAD! OH MY GOOOOOOD!

Junior: MY HEAD HURTS NINETY! INVINCIBLE! INDESTRUCTIBLE!

“Locker … Graveyard!” MHH mutters as LOCKERS BURST OUT OF THE GROUND AND SURROUND BUNZO. BUNZO BEGINS TO SWEAT TREMENDOUSLY IN FEAR AS THE LOCKERS RUSH TOWARDS HIM. UNABLE TO MOVE, THE LOCKERS SLAM INTO HIM, CRUSHING TOGETHER IN WARPED METAL.

Styles: HE’S DEAD! That Japanese guy is dead!

The LOCKERS return to the ground and an unconscious Bunzo falls face forward. MHH kicks him over and pins him. One. Two. Three. MY HEAD HURTS NINETY WINS.

“K-Kenjiro-kun …”

At both ends of J. Mengele’s Goodtime Feelwell Therapeuticube, the airlocks hiss, indicating activation. Todd Lightning addresses the audience.

Todd Lightning: The following match is scheduled for one fall. Now entering the arena are Super Queerbasher, and the Beekeeper!

JR: Super Queerbasher is coming off a loss to Puff Ryder.

WW: Shut the fuck up. Puff Ryder is a liberal asshole and he deserved to lose. The only reason he won is because the match was biased against upstanding drug free individuals like my son.

The airlock on the left hisses and opens. The Beekeper emerges and walks to the center of the ring. Then, with a heavy thunk, the airlock door opens and Super Queerbasher emerges.

JR: Super Queerbasher’s got his work cut out for him. The Beekeeper wears an airtight bee suit. I bet his flapjacks were bubbling quite a bit when he heard the stipulations for this match.

WW: He might have that going for him, but Super Queerbasher doesn’t need advantages like that to make a mess out of this jobber.

Super Queerbasher walks to the center of the cube and faces his own reflection in the Beekeeper’s silvered faceplate.

Super Queerbasher: This is a waste of my time.

Beekeeper: (With the static crackle of an intercom speaker) Heh heh heh heh. The Beekeeper repeatedly makes a fist with his right hand. A tube runs from his palm up his arm into a reflective metal device on his back that looks like a rocket pack.

The bell rings.

Super Queerbasher: Get out the record books because this is going to be the quickest PPV win in FTUW history!

Super Queerbasher rotates, briefly showing his opponent his back, and throws his hips into a massive heel kick to the face of the Beekeeper.

Super Queerbasher: Huh?

WW: It didn’t do anything?

The Beekeeper is no longer visible. The entire front of his body is covered with bees.

JR: He made a shield of bees! In the time it took Super Queerbasher to execute that kick! Bah gawd!

WW: Pace yourself, you palsied asshole, because you can only say bah gawd so many times in one night, and my son is going to be knocking your queer socks off until the fans get their money’s worth.

Suddenly, Super Queerbasher falls to his knees. He claps his hands over his ears, pressing tightly as if in pain.

JR: It’s the air pressure! Even a tiny increase causes tremendous suffering. Seeing the Beekeeper go on without so much as noticing, I have to speculate – this might be it for Super Queerbasher!

The Beekeeper, covered in bees, reaches toward Super Queerbasher with the lightning speed you might expect from Neil Armstrong bouncing lazily along the surface of the moon.

WW: He’s got him now!

Super Queerbasher produces the Long, Hard Pole and looks up.

Super Queerbasher: I’ve got you now!

Super Queerbasher executes his Long, Hard Pole finisher by slamming the Long, Hard Pole into the faceplate of the Beekeeper. However, the shield of bees does its job, making the impact of the blow nil.

Beekeeper: Heh heh heh heh.

WW: Does this shield of bees crap remind you of any video games you’ve played lately?

JR: Never mind that.

As Super Queerbasher looks up, dumbfounded, the Beekeeper extends his right arm and points his palm at his opponent. Moving slowly, with Super Queerbasher’s pole still resting on his forehead, he uses his left hand to press a button on the suit’s wrist. A THUNDEROUS CYCLONE OF BEES EMERGES FROM THE TUBE, ENCIRCLING SUPER QUEERBASHER!

JR: What the hell! The Beekeeper uses bees as a weapon!

WW: I don’t think any of us saw that coming.

Beekeeper: Heh heh heh heh! Bee-yootiful!

Super Queerbasher spins and swats the bees with the pole, but there are too many! He dances around the Therapeuticube splattering the insects by the dozen, finally managing to thin them out a bit, but is greeted by another hive’s worth of angry bees.

JR: I haven’t seen a hive like that since that island in the south Pacific that’s inhabited by that stone age tribe!

Super Queerbasher is completely covered in bees! The layer of yellow and black surrounding him grows thicker, particularly around the upper body, until he looks like a highly unreflective snowman with legs. Finally, the blob drops to its knees.

JR: Super Queerbasher is defeated! The bees have rendered him immobile! Someone stop this match!

WW: Come on, you lousy bastard, if you lose this one I’m going to throw you to Planet Grandma and leave you there to die!

Suddenly, the blob with Super Queerbasher inside starts molting. Bees begin slaking off in layers, falling to the floor dead.

Beekeeper: Eh?

The bees continue to cascade off his body until there are none left. At last, Super Queerbasher is visible again.

Beekeeper: What happened?

JR: His hands are over his ears!

WW: It wasn’t the bees that dropped him to his knees! The pressure increased again!

JR: The bees are dying! The Beekeeper is defenseless!

The Beekeeper presses the button on his wrist, but nothing happens. He shakes his arm frantically. Dead bees fly out in a seemingly endless supply.

Super Queerbasher: This queer shit has gone on long enough.

Beekeeper: Uhhhh, wait!

Super Queerbasher charges the Beekeeper and once again executes the Long, Hard Pole. This time it connects, shattering the Beekeeper’s faceplate. His eyes bulge out and point in different directions. Unconscious, and probably dead, he collapses.

JR: Looks like we have a winner.

WW: Another victory, another five minutes I don’t kick your ass, kid!

Michael Cole: Well we’re proud to announce that we have a special guest commentator joining us for this next match. Please welcome STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN!

Austin flys above Fuck Planet in one of the Saiyan space pods. Somehow, Austin Stunners the pod from the inside and it explodes sending Austin flying into the desert below. Once the sand cloud clears, Austin is strutting down to ringside as if nothing happened. The crowd shits themselves with delight and they offer their first-born children for Austin to dine on. Since they are not composed of alcohol, the Texas Rattlesnake turns them down. After flipping the bird to everyone conceivable, he sits down next to Michael Cole and Jesse “The Mind” Ventura.

MC: Austin, it’s a pleasure to have you with us tonight!

SC: Goddamn, it’s hotter than a Texan five-alarm chili in this sumbitch!

JV: Yeah, that cock von Toity keeps turning up the heat.

SC: Yeah well Stone Cold Steve Austin says NU UH! Turn that sorry ass sun down!

The temperature returns to 95 as the sand ring returns to normal. Lester Lightning makes the next announcement.

LL: Now for the second match in the Murder block! The same rules as the previous match apply! Making his way to the ring first, from Victoria, Texas, weighing in at 214 pounds, Red Hot Rodney Austin!

The sound of glass being formed resonates through the desert as Rodney Austin swaggers to the ring. He’s about the same size and build as Stone Cold. He’s got long flowing hair and sideburns and is wearing long baggy cargo pants and a long jacket with pictures of flames on it.

SC: Look at that hair! He looks like a goddamn girl! Gotta have a word with my brother about his fashion sense too.

MC: Your brother?!

SC: What?! Your ears don’t work? Yeah, I said he’s my brother! Got a problem with that, twinkle toes?!

MC: It’s just that you never mentioned that you had a brother who was a wrestler before.

SC: Lotta things Stone Cold don’t talk about. That don’t make them not true, boy!

LL: And his opponent, from the New Empire of the Damned, The Ghoul of Goth, Hard’rok!

Hard’rok walks down to the ring to a Cure song. With Gigi and Raven back on Earth, this is the first time he’s had to fight all alone in quite some time.

The bell rings and the match begins.

MC: Your opinion, Mind?

JV: Hard’rok’s got the drive and the experience, that’s for sure. He’s driven by hate for Musclepotamia due to the fact that he has a gay hard-on for Ant King who is a great enemy of the supergroup. Also, he’s from Hell so he’s used to the heat.

SC: They don’t call Rodney “Red Hot” for nuthin’, governor. A little sweat ain’t gonna make him shit his britches.

JV: Fuck, so the only person this all screwed over was Jack Daniels!

Hard’rok is surprised by some quick arm drags by Austin. He pulls a chair out of his sleeve and goes after Austin with the intention of finishing him quickly. However, the chair shot is dodged and Rodney Austin puts him in an abdominal stretch. The hold is kept on for several minutes.

JV: Stone Cold, your brother’s a boring asshole!

SC: Yeah, he’s a 3:16 on the snooze-o-meter. But Hard’rok’s still gotta watch his ass!

As dull as the hold is, it begins to take a toll on Hard’rok. The sensation of his abs being stretched to their limits reverberates through his body. He realizes he needs to escape soon.

Hard’rok: Chair substitution!

Rodney Austin finds himself holding a steel chair in place of Hard’rok! Confused, he doesn’t realize until it’s too late that his opponent is right behind him with another chair! BOOM! Level 1 chair shot! Austin is bleeding everywhere, his blood mixing in with the sand! Hard’rok picks him up and suplexes him onto the solid sand ring! This dislocates some of the vertebrae in Austin’s back as he writes around the ring in pain! A spike fires up out of nowhere and pierces his shoulder to boot!

SC: Dammit son, you’re getting’ your ass handed to you! Show some balls!

JV: Looks like you got all the good genes, Stone Cold.

Hard’rok pulls out a second chair and throws it towards Rodney Austin. He rides it like a surfboard and smashes his opponent in the face with the other chair as he passes by! Austin is out like a light. Hard’rok pulls his wounded opponent to his feet and decides to add insult to injury. STUNNER! STONE COLD STUNNER BY HARD’ROK!

MC: It’s the Stunner! He’s sending a message to Jack Daniels! He’s going to go all out to stop his reign of terror!

SC: Heh heh heh!

MC: You’re happy your brother got his ass kicked?

SC: If you’d just open your eyes instead of running your mouth like a goddamn numbnut, you’d see why I’m laughing Cole!

A fiery aura surrounds Red Hot Rodney Austin as he makes it right back to his feet! His wounds are closing up and he’s laughing deeply and ominously. Hard’rok turns around and takes a huge clothesline to the throat! A spray of blood flies from Hard’rok’s mouth as he crumbles on the ground. Austin punches a sandhole into the fallen Prince of the Universe!

SC: The Stone Cold Stunner is lights out for any dumb sumbitch who thinks they can take on the baddest redneck on the planet! Only one man ain’t hurt by Stunners and it’s that hippie motherfucker standing over there! Hell, not only don’t it hurt him but it actually makes him stronger!

MC: Jesus Christ! Stunners give Red Hot Rodney Austin POWER!!!

Stone Cold runs down to the ring, Steveweiser in hand, and whistles to his brother. Red Hot turns around and gets Stunnered! Red Hot’s wounds all heal instantly and his muscles swell! His hair transforms from long flowing hippie locks into a mullet! Stone Cold Stunners him over and over until Red Hot is fifteen feet tall and his skin is made of steel! Stone Cold chugs the rest of his beer and returns to his seat.

MC: What the hell did you do to him?

SC: Powered him up you silly sonuvabitch! Now he’s huge, got skin made of metal and Stunners don’t hurt him! Can you beat someone like that? NU UH! And that’s the bottom line cuz Stone Cold said so! Hell, that big bastard over could even give Stone Cold here the fight of his life if he wanted to.

MC: Really?

SC: Well no. But he looks pretty damn spiffy!

Hard’rok recovers and sees the titanic Red Hot Rodney Austin towering above him. Sand begins to form a box around the ring, just large enough to let Red Hot move around without slamming into it. The sand hardens into a cage which is spiked so that it can’t be grabbed onto to! Random sand spikes begin shooting out of the ground everywhere and Hard’rok is forced into a defensive position, using chairs as shields. The spikes do not stab Austin though.

JV: Looks like von Toity likes Red Hot’s chances against Daniels better than Hard’rok’s. For once, I’ve gotta agree with the man!

Red Hot pulls his mammoth arm back and punches Hard’rok right through the sand cage! Hard’rok is busted open and bleeding everywhere all over the sandy desert! Fans wearing long-sleeved black clothing come to his support. Their choice of attire in spite of the heat shows that they are Goths as well.

Goth 1: Why don’t you take your sunshine attitude and pop culture fashion sense and go plant a tree, asshole! Leave Hard’rok alone!

Goth 2: I’ve got a +3 broad sword and I’m not afraid to shove it up your ass!

The Goths leap at Red Hot and latch onto his steel chest. The giant laughs at their futile attack and grabs all three within his gigantic steel mitts. Though their effort was valiant, the tin titan crushes them all at once like an overripe orange, blood squirting out and drenching his oversized hands. When he opens his palms again, there’s no proof that there were even human beings in there to begin with.

Hard’rok is up and mighty pissed!

Hard’rok: Death is a sweet embrace. My friends, skulk about in graveyards for the rest of your glorious afterlife. I’ll avenge you!

Hard’rok takes twenty chairs and starts putting them together like Lego blocks! When he’s done, he holds in his hand a gigantic steel chair composed of many smaller chairs! Red Hot is immediately smashed with level 1 chair shot after chair shot, but the strikes have little effect on the beast!

Decicing he’s had enough, Red Hot charges up his Stunner energy into his fist and punches straight at Hard’rok! The attack is so powerful that Hard’rok explodes in a hundred pieces on contact!

MC: Hard’rok’s dead! Jesus Christ it’s over! Red Hot Rodney Austin’s going to the final eight!

SC: Dammit Rodney! How could you fall for the same goddamn trick twice?!

A cold sweat drips down Red Hot’s head as he realizes that he just destroyed another chair substitute! He turns his head and sees Hard’rok in the air right behind him with his giant chair! However, the chair is morphing and begins to wraps around Hard’rok’s arm! It turned into a giant metal fist composed of chairs! He hovers in mid-air for what seems like an eternity before he swings the fist right at Rodney Austin’s jaw!

Hard’rok: LEVEL TWO CHAIR PAUUUUUUUNCH!!!

Red Hot’s teeth fly out of his skull and rain down upon the crowd, creating giant holes in their torsos as they fly through them! Austin’s head spins around 180 degrees so that he can look down at his own ass if he wanted to! His neck is broke and he’s completely friggin’ out of it! Red Hot hits the mat, causing the sand ring to shatter and turn back into a sand dune!

Hard’rok covers and the ref tries to make the count, but his hand keeps sinking into the soft sand. Stone Cold runs down to where they are and stomps a mudhole into the referee! By the time he’s done, that section of sand has been pounded flat and hard! The ref weakly slams his hand on the hardened sand.

ONE…

TWO…

…the referee dies. Austin picks up the dead ref’s hand and slams it on the ground! THREE!

MC: Hard’rok did it! He’s moving onto the next round!

JV: Heh heh heh, he’s got some lovely wounds to boot! Maybe this isn’t so bad after all!
Yogurtman
Odin
Joined: 03 Jan 2007
Posts: 2248
(Fri Feb 23, 2007 1:32 am)
Reply

Post     Re: FTUW'S KING SHIT OF FUCK PLANET (#18)

MA: I'm Marv Albert and I sexually assaulted a woman.

BW: That is a terrible call.

MA: Back to FTUW excitement here on Fuck Planet in the Insanity bracket as Impious the Former Prick faces off against Jack "The Hatchet" Masterson.

BW: I like that Impious was kind of nice to a kid with cancer in that hospital. It takes quite a bit of character that, frankly, I don't think many of the players in the FTUW have. But that's just my take.

MA: Let's send it to Suzy Kolber in Neo Detroit, who is interviewing an insane rapist who watched the John Baines and Puff Ryder match go down.

SK: Thanks, Marv. Mr. Insane Rapist, what did it mean to you watching Puff Ryder struggling?

IP: I want to kiss you. I couldn't care less about Puff Ryder strug-gle-ing. We're lookin' to next season, we're looking to make, uh, noise now ... I wanna kiss you.

SK: Thanks, Rapist.

IP: YEEEEEEAH!

SK: That's a huge compliment coming from you.

MA: That was Suzy Kolber with an insane rapist. Now to the match between Impious and Jack Masterson.

Impious walks through the gates of Neo Detroit and sees a shambling mass of mental patients walking toward him. He wonders if he should kill these wastes of human life or if that wouldn't be kosher now that he's not a prick. This musing is made moot when the insane start pulling out cleavers and crowbars. Impious blocks a knife with his stump and headbutts the wielder to the ground. Pulling the knife out of his arm, he whips around and hurls it into another fag's forehead. Although his eyes are no longer covered, his almost supernatural senses kick in and he ducks in time for two more mental patients to break each others faces with crowbars.

But he's still surrounded and things look grim.

BW: This looks grim, Marv.

MA: Impious is surrounded by violent mental patients. I guess now is a good time to mention that Jack Masterson never made it to his space pod that would have taken him to Fuck Planet, so technically, Impious doesn't even need to be there. But we all know about Masterson's proclivity toward exploding out of bodies without any sort of logical explanation, so we're just letting this play out.

BW: Wouldn't it be funny if Jack Masterson really didn't show?

MA: Not really.

Impious grabs a bum by his face and slams his head into the pavement, shattering the skull.

"This is ridiculous," Impious says. "Where's Masterson?"

"HERE!"

IMPIOUS ROLLS TO THE SIDE AS A HATCHET SLAMS TO THE GROUND. HE LOOKS BACK TO SEE THAT ONE OF THE MENTAL PATIENTS EXPLODED AND JACK HAD BEEN WAILING AWAY AT SEVERAL BEFORE FINALLY TURNING HIS ATTENTION TO IMPIOUS. IMPIOUS GRABS THE AXE HANDLE, OVER POWERS MASTERSON AND SMASHES THE BLUNT END INTO JACK'S FACE.

MA: That's some tenacious D!

BW: This violence disgusts me.

Impious swings the hatchet upward into Masterson's gut and then big boots him through a wall. Impious looks back and the crowd of mental patients has dispersed. He climbs through the hole into the building.

MA: Moving the fight indoors seems like a wise move for Impious.

BW: I agree. Impious has a definite strength advantage and fighting inside gives Masterson less room to maneuver, although there are likely objects that can be used as weapons all around.

MA: But Impious can use those to his advantage as well.

BW: That is correct. Overall, it favors Impious. Still, I don't condone violence.

Masterson lies prone on the ground, the hatchet still sticking out of his gut, and doesn't move. Impious walks toward the body carefully. Looking down, he doesn't detect any breathing.

AND THEN MASTERSON SOMEHOW FUCKING BURSTS FROM HIS OWN BODY AND STARTS CHOKING IMPIOUS!

MA: NO! Impious should have seen that coming.

BW: Actually, I'm pretty sure what just happened is completely impossible.

Being strangled, Impious takes a few steps back and then realizes that Masterson is basically a pussy, then UPPERCUTS JACK THROUGH THE CEILING. The ex-prick grabs the side of the hole and lifts himself through to find Jack lying in a bathtub. He pulls the toilet out of the floor and tosses it right into Jack, shattering it. Jack jumps out and runs into the connecting room.

Impious steps through the door and CATCHES A PLANK OF WOOD TO THE FACE. He swats the plank away and grabs Masterson by the shirt collar, then SMASHES HIS FACE INTO THE WALL. Masterson slides down and Impious drags him to the refrigerator to SLAM THE REFRIGERATOR DOOR ON HIS HEAD REPEATEDLY, UNTIL THE DOOM BREAKS OFF THE HINGES.

MA: YES! The surroundings have definitely proven themselves to be helpful to Impious!

Tossing the broken door aside, Impious lifts Masterson up off the ground, his legs kicking in an effort to break free of the grip. Impious just headbutts him and then kicks him through another wall. In the new room, Impious breaks a wooden chair over Masterson's back then lifts him by his pants and throws him face first into a television set. Deciding that that's enough senseless brutality, Impious tosses Masterson out of the second story window of the building and Jack's body explodes on contact with the concrete.

MA: Impious putting on a clinic in his first round match-up and he comes away the winner! YES!

Styles: For our SECOND MATCH in the EXPLOSIONS BLOCK, we have the man known as Handsomus R. Awesome, former FTUW champion, facing off against the man also known as Handsomus R. Awesome but prefers to be called Theldorrin XV. Why the wrestler formerly known as Handsomus II hates the genes he’s made of. When he tagged with Theldorrin XIV, his relationship with his partner was nothing close to functional as he beat the shit out of him and everyone else in the ring and left the planet. But now he’s returned? But why? To re-do the job that Theldorrin XIV first accomplished one year ago?

HANDSOMUS R. AWESOME, our hero, walks out from the jungle DRAGGING a TWO-HEADED SUPER TIGER’S CORPSE BEHIND HIM. He walks over to the ocean and SPLASHES SOME WATER ON HIS FACE to remove the massive amounts of blood. Off in the distance, he sees the RING plopped in the center of the beach, the Handsomus clone and the referee already waiting.

“Finally,” Handsomus says, “I got fucking sand in my boots.”

Handsomus II/Theldorrin XV is already standing in the ring looking pissed off as he sees Handsomus approach. Why he continues to dress like this guy he hates so much is a question no one can answer.

“Hey, it’s you again, why do you look like me?” Handsomus says, leaping into the ring with STARSTRUCK in hand, “Who are you?”

HANDSOMUS II runs his fingers through his white locks and smiles a DEVILISH SMILE.

“I’m called … Theldorrin XV.”

“No way!” Handsomus says, “Theldorrin’s a robot!”

”I’m your clone, asshole!” Theldorrin XV, “Jesus. You think a guy who fucking walks around dressed like a FUCKING COWBOY would participate in a little badass, dramatic banter.”

”You’re dressed just like me!”

“I know! Fuck!” XV paces around the ring, looking flustered, “It’s this … DUALITY I was trying to accomplish. GOOD VERSUS EVIL. Handsomus R. Awesome versus Theldorrin. The endless struggle.”

“Wait, you know you’re evil? I always thought bad guys were just crazy.”

“God, you’re MISSING the point! I’m you! Down to the last motherfucking, America-loving cell! Except … FOR THIS,” XV points to his HEAD, “It’s the nature versus nurture argument in FULL EFFECT. Theldorrin taught me the way of supervilliany and now, as the CLONE of Handsomus R. Awesome, I’ll wipe you off the face of Earth once and for all, avenging THELDORRIN and finishing the job he started!”

“We’re not on EARTH,” Handsomus points out. THELDORRIN XV SCREAMS IN FRUSTRATION and CLOCKS HANDSOMUS UPSIDE THE FUCKING HEAD WITH GUILTY GEAR.

Styles: And they’re ready to rumble!

THE BELL RINGS late as THELDORRIN XV continues SWINGING HIS ACOUSTIC GUITAR into HANDSOMUS’ BODY, Guilty Gear’s magical properties allowing it not to explode instantly. HANDSOMUS finally manages to BRING UP STARSTRUCK to stop the assault. He SWINGS BACK, sending XV flying into a nearby turnbuckle.

Junior: HANDSOMUS! AND TWO! We’re being treated to perfectly symmetrical violence by these two STUDS from THE STARS. America, hold on to your television screens, and get ready to OPEN UP for a WHOLE LOT OF DESTRUCTION!

“You know, I don’t think we’re supposed to be using our guitars for this match!” Handsomus shouts across the ring as THELDORRIN XV hits a MASSIVE RIFF, SENDING A CRACKLING RED BOLT of ENERGY into AWESOME’S CHEST. He flies through the ropes and slams into a TREE, which then actually shoves SPIKES into HIS BACK. He spits up a bit of blood as XV builds up more power.

Styles: XV is taking him to the limit ladies and gentleman. I don’t know if Handsomus is underestimating his opponent or if this man has his number but he’s reeling!

“Fucking asshole,” Handsomus YANKS his torso off the DEATH TREE as XV flies forward. GUILTY GEAR misses Handsomus and crashes into the ground, sending bolts of ROCKATRICITY coursing along the dirt. HANDSOMUS drops a FUCKING BOOT on XV’s head, sending him face FIRST into the dirt. AS HE RAISES HIS HEAD, HANDSOMUS SLAMS THE GUITAR ON HIS HEAD, DRIVING HIM BACK IN. THIS HAPPENS LIKE TEN MORE TIMES BEFORE BLOOD IS COURSING DOWN XV’S FACE.

”FAGGOT!” XV UPPERCUTS THE HOLY HELL out of HANDSOMUS. HE UNLEAHES A BOLT OF ROCKATRICITY that COLLIDES INTO HANDSOMUS’ GUT! XV furiously STRUMS out more HELLACIOUS NOTES, BURNING THE SHIT OUT OF HIM. In desperation, HANDSOMUS SWATS AWAY a VIOLENT RED BOLT (that collides with the group of fans stumbling away from the Kenjiro/MHH match). THE GUITAR transforms into a CROSSBOW, the SHOT THROUGH THE HEART mode, and HANDSOMUS LAUNCHES a RAWKRA-INFUSED PICK INTO XV’S FACE!

“That Rockatricity … it has tainted you …” Handsomus mutters stoically. THELDORRIN XV STUMBLES UP, brings a palm to his SMOKING FACE, and PULLS BACK A FISTFUL OF BURNT FLESH. WHAT’S LEFT OF THE RIGHT SIDE OF HIS IS NOTHING BUT BLOOD AND BONE.

Styles: OHHHH MY GOOOOD!! HE BLEW HIS FUCKING FACE OFF!

“YOU FUCKING FAGGOT!” XV SCREAMS, DASHING FORWARD. THE MIRROR MATCH CONTINUES AS THE TWO BLAST THROUGH THE JUNGLE, THE CLASHES OF THEIR GUITARS SPREADING BLUE AND RED BLASTS OF ENERGY INTO THE AIR AND OBLITERATING ALL ANIMAL AND PLANT LIFE. As a RAWKRA ARROW comes HURDLING TOWARDS XV, he USES A FUCK PLANET GORILLA TO ABSORB THE BLOW. The FRANTIC FIGHTING CONTINUES until HANDSOMUS SWATS XV OUT OF THE PARK, SENDING HIM FLYING CLEAR OVER THE OCEAN!

Styles: AND HE’S OUTTA HERE!

HANDSOMUS LEAPS AFTER HIM over the OCEAN, which is basically the size of a GREAT LAKE, and lands IN DUSTY DUNES OF BLOCK TWO, MURDER. Handsomus pulls down the brim of his cowboy hat to get the sun out of his eyes. He looks around but can’t find Theldorrin XV anywhere.

J.V.: WHOA! What the fuck is he doing here? This is our side of the planet!

M.C.: My lord! Handsomus R. Awesome has just appeared! But for what purpose?

J.V.: PROBABLY TO FUCKING AMBUSH JACK DANIELS, that’s what!

SUDDENLY, A FIFTEEN FOOT TALL, BLACK-FURRED CAMEL WITH BLEEDING RED EYES AND SIX HUNDRED AND SIXTY-SIX HUMPS AND A HUGE, SPINNING DICK APPEARS. BEFORE HANDSOMUS CAN REACT, IT’S CAVERNOUS MOUTH FILLED WITH ROWS OF RAZOR-SHARP TEETH SINK INTO HIS SHOULDER!

M.C.: Whoa! A monster camel just BIT THE SHIT OUT OF HIM.

J.V.: NO SHIT, COLE! At least Toity did something right! Get the fuck out of here, fag!

HANDSOMUS STRUGGLES as the MONSTER CAMEL TEARS AWAY AT HIM. Handsomus ACCIDENTLY DROPS HIS GUITAR and is out of reach of it. Also, he forgot how to summon it and make it fly to his hands.

“MOTHERFUCKER!” HANDSOMUS SHOUTS AS BLOOD SQUIRTS OUT OF HIS SHOULDER as the DEMON CAMEL GNAWS AWAY. Handsomus BEGINS BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF ITS FACE with HIS FREE HAND. The CAMEL FINALLY LETS go and HANDSOMUS SQUARES OFF with the MONSTER. A strange noise REVERBERATES through the DEMON CAMEL’S THROAT as an ACIDIC LOOGIE IS HURLED AT OUR HERO. Handsomus DUCKS the SPIT and CHARGES FORWARD, FACEBUSTERING THE CAMEL INTO THE GROUND. HANDSOMUS SHOVES HIS FINGERS INTO THE CREATURE’S EYES AND BEGINS WRESTLING IT BEFORE TEARING ITS HEAD CLEAN OFF.

M.C.: And Handsomus kills a camel!

J.V.: When does our next match start?

Tossing the camel’s head aside, he sees a SILHOUETTE approaching through the sand. It’s Theldorrin’s XV, of course, but what he’s holding is what sends chills down his spine.

“It’s real nice. Much better than mine,” Theldorrin XV holds up STARSTRUCK, THE ULTIMATE WEAPON IN THE UNIVERSE, “Real nice.”

“Damnit,” Handsomus curses.

“Let’s try it out, shall we?” XV holds BOTH GUILTY GEAR and STARSTRUCK, dual-wielding the GUITARS since dual-wielding shit is the coolest thing ever, “SHOWTIME!”

A TWISTING TORNADO OF ENERGY CRASHES INTO HANDSOMUS R. AWESOME BODY, SENDING HIM FLYING WITH BLOOD POURING FROM HIS MOUTH AND TORSO ALONG WITH A HUNDRED DBZ EPISODES’ WORTH OF SMOKE.

“Hahahaha! Awesome! AWESOME!” XV LAUGHS, HOLDING HIS GUITARS BEFORE LEAPING AFTER HANDSOMUS.

MEANWHILE, AWESOME FLIES EVEN FURTHER and CRASHES INTO THE EXTRACTED SECTION OF DETROIT. HE BARRELS THROUGH A FEW MENTAL PATIENTS, REDUCING THEM TO SHREDS, and ENDS UP CRASHING IN AN OVERTURNED BUS. Handsomus opens his eyes and looks at his burned away chest, his iron circulatory system exposed. He brings his fingers to his chest and pulls back to look at his blood-stained hand.

“Damn,” Handsomus mutters to himself, “If you knew how to control Starstruck better, I’d be dead right now.”

J.R.: BAH GAWD, Handsomus just fell out of the sky!

W.W.: He flies around on a guitar all the time. This isn’t that absurd for him.

As HANDSOMUS springs to his feet, THELDORRIN XV FALLS OUT OF THE SKY AND DROPS STARSTRUCK AND GUILTY GEAR INTO THE GROUND, CAUSING THE GROUND TO RIP OPEN AND SPEW MAGMA. HANDSOMUS BACKFLIPS BEHIND THE OVERTURNED BUS AND TAKES A WIDE STANCE.

“ASTRAL SHOULDAH!” HE SHOUTS, SLAMMING HIS BODY INTO THE BUS, SENDING IT CAREENING TOWARDS XV. XV MERELY SLASHES AT THE BUS WITH HIS GUITARS, SPLITTING IT IN HALF AND ALLOWING THE TWO PIECES TO SKID PAST HIM.

J.R.: It’s Theldorrin XV! They must have been having a FIGHT SO SLOBBERKNOCKERING, SO HELLACIOUS, that it has sent them ALL THE WAY to OUR CORNER of FUCK PLANET.

W.W.: Oh, gay. Why didn’t we get to do this one? We had to commentate a fucking McCoy match, Jesus. I mean, before I thought it was funny but now I just get depressed.

“What the hell is your problem, anyway?” Awesome says, clutching his chest wound, “Why do you wanna kill me so bad?”

“I’m fulfilling Theldorrin XIV’s wishes,” XV says, “But you’re right. Fighting you just over that seems a little one dimensional. As your clone, I also want to bring BACK THELDORRIN from wherever he is. And I can do it … WITH THIS!”

THELDORRIN XV FISHES IN HIS CHAPS AND YANKS OUT A TIME DIAMOND.

“How many of those things are there!” Handsomus says.

“I’m sure you must know by now but we two are special. Although I’m merely an imitation, we both are the beings known as STARMEN. As you were born from the destruction of a galaxy, your body is like a living battery, flowing with a star’s worth of energy locked away. You yourself know that time can be manipulated to a certain degree with these.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

“Going through the databases on the Calculus II, I’ve learned that Theldorrin is most likely in Hell. Although Theldorrin didn’t believe in shit like that, various ancient documents he translated tend to suggest that sometime after God created Hell, D’Lo ate it, which would sync up pretty well with where he’s at. But, as I said before, time can manipulated with this little diamond, but it’s only to a certain radius. At Extreme Hardcore 2007, people who witnessed the climactic final battle between Guan Fei and Perfect Theldorrin saw a brief freeze when Guan Fei hurled his spear. Somehow time was frozen in that radius bringing all the molecules in that square mile to a stop.”

“What?”

W.W.: What the fuck is he talking about?

“Anyway, I guess, that if I can focus energy in my OWN MOLECULES, I can travel to that other dimension and BRING BACK THELDORRIN. I’ll speed up time so that it will …” XV fishes through some scrawled notes in his pocket and yanks one out, “’Will accelerate my molecules until they shift dimensions.’ Yeah.”

“So you need my power?”

”Yes.”

“Well, fuck you, it’s my power and I had it first.”

“Stubborn as always, Handsomus!” XV DASHES FORWARD WITH HIS TWO GUITARS. AS HE CLOSES IN, HE SWINGS BOTH WEAPONS SIMULTANEOUSLY! HOWEVER, HANDSOMUS CATCHES STARSTRUCK BETWEEN HIS PALMS AND STOPS GUILTY GEAR WITH HIS FOOT.

”Y-You!” XV SAYS THROUGH CLENCHED TEETH.

“You villains always have to make huge fucking speeches,” HANDSOMUS SAYS AS THEY STRUGGLE. XV DROPS GUILTY GEAR AND GRABS STARSTRUCK WITH BOTH HANDS. STARSTRUCK CRASHES TO THE GROUND AS HANDSOMUS ROLLS TO THE SIDE AND SNATCHES GUILTY GEAR. HANDSOMUS SMACKS THE SHIT OUT OF XV, SENDING HIM CRASHING INTO A BUILDING.

“Guilty Gear?” Handsomus looks at the scrawled name on the guitar, “What kind of name is that?”

Theldorrin XV falls from the building and lands on all fours.

“It’s … it’s from a videogame,” XV mutters.

“A videogame? Man, you’re not like my clone but more like my gay little brother or something,” HANDSOMUS SAYS CHARGING FORWARD and HOMERUN SWINGING THE CUNT OUT OF HIM, SENDING HIM CUTTING THROUGH THE SIDE OF THE BUILDING AND FLYING OFF INTO THE DISTANCE. “Cool guitar, though.”

J.R.: BAH GAWD! I’m surprised they are still fighting.

W.W.: Now, this is pissing me the fuck off. MY SON’S MATCH IS UP NEXT, DICKHEADS.

XV flies through the air, over the atmosphere of FUCK PLANET, clutching onto Starstruck as blood trails from his face.

”That fucking dick, I’m going to fuck him up so bad. So bad …” XV mutters before CHANGING HIS EXPRESSION WHEN HANDSOMUS APPEARS OVERHEAD. “Shit.”

BANG! XV IS KNOCKED INTO THE DAMN OCEAN, CREATING A GIANT GEYSER OF WATER ON IMPACT. Handsomus R. Awesome lands on the beach and takes a knee, his body exhausted from the intense battle.

Styles: Hey! They’re back!

“Where’s that prick now?” Handsomus mutters. SUDDENLY, A GIGANTIC FUCKING SHARK CROSSBRED WITH A RATTLESNAKE (SO IT’S TEETH ARE POISONOUS AND IT HAS A RATTLER) AND A CACTUS (SO IT’S COVERED IN SPIKES) FUCKING FLIES OUT OF THE OCEAN AS A MILLION GUITARS WAIL IN XV’S MIND AT SUCH A BADASS MOMENT. THERE HE IS, STANDING ON THE TOP OF THE CREATURE, ROCKING THE FUCK OUT.

Styles: OH MY GOOOOOOOOD!! FUCK FUCK FUCK!

“YEAAAAAAAAAAH!!” HANDSOMUS SCREAMS, FLYING FORWARD. THE MOVE MEET IN THE AIR AND CLASH WEAPONS, RAWKRA AND ROCKATRICITY BURSTING OFF EACH OTHER AND COVERING THE AREA.

“DIE YOU FAGGOT!!” THELDORRIN XV SCREAMS AS HE STRUMS ON HIS GUITAR FASTER AND MORE FURIOUSLY, PRODUCING MORE AND MORE BOLTS OF ROCKATRICITY. SAND KICKS UP AND THE TIDE COMES IN AS THE MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF ENERGY RAIN DOWN INTENSE PRESSURE ON THE TWO COMBATANTS.

“EAT A DICK!!” HANDSOMUS SCREAMS BACK, BLASTING AWAY ON GUILTY GEAR. THE JUNGLE TREES ARE BLOWN BACK BY THE HEAVY, ROCKING WIND CREATED BY THE VICIOUS DUET OF DEADLY DESTRUCTION.

AS THE ENERGY GETS MORE AND MORE INTENSE, AN INTENSE WHITE LIGHT OVERTAKES THE AREA UNTIL IT BECOMES BLINDING. THE TWO SCREAM TO PUNCTUATE THE EXPLOSION.

Styles: GODOODODOOANJGEADNGLDKGN!!

Junior: MOTHER OF MY CUNT, WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?!

AS THE SMOKE CLEARS, HANDSOMUS AND THELDORRIN XV FLOAT IN AIR, OR AT LEAST THE CACTUS SNAKE SHARK XV WAS STANDING ON IS FLOATING. SLOWLY BUT SURELY, BLOOD FUCKING SPRAYS AS THE ALIEN SHARK IS CUT IN GODDAMNED HALF. A HUGE FUCKING GASH RUNNING FROM THE TOP OF THELDORRIN XV’S FOREHEAD DOWN TO CROTCH APPEARS, GUSHING BLOOD.

“It’s not the guitar, it’s the guitarist,” Handsomus mutters as THELDORRIN XV’S SUNGLASSES, severed in half, slide of his AWE-STRICKEN FACE. Handsomus’ eyes trail down and watch the falling SUNGLASSES as they descend. They continue to descend, moving slower and slower until they STOP. HANDSOMUS RAISES HIS EYES BACK TO THELDORRIN XV WHO IS CLUTCHING A TIME DIAMOND, GLOWING WITH A SUPERNOVA OF ENERGY BETWEEN HIS FINGERS.

“Y-You!” HANDSOMUS CHOKES OUT. SUDDENLY, FLASHES OF DIFFERENT TIME PERIODS APPEAR TO HIM. MEN IN ROMAN ARMOR SEEM TO FLOAT THROUGH THE AIR. THE SHARK SNAKE RE-ATTACHES, SHRINKS, AND REVERTS TO THREE CREATURES THAT SPAWNED IN THEN EXPLODES AGAIN. THE INFINITE POSSIBILITIES AND DIMENSONS OF TIME ALL FLASH BY AS THE TIME DIAMOND NEARLY SHATTERS FROM THE INTENSE POWER.

“NOW … TO UNLEASH THELDORRIN …” XV LAUGHS, HOLDING THE TIME DIAMOND FORWARD.

“NOOOOO!!” HANDSOMUS SAYS, GRIPPING THELDORRIN XV’S WRIST. BUT IT’S TOO LATE. THE INTENSE ENERGY CONTAINED INSIDE, WHICH UP UNTIL THIS POINT WAS NOT FOCUSED AND WAS MERELY JUST FUCKING UP THE AREA AROUND THEM, IS NOW SENT BACK INTO THE BODY OF XV WITH THE INTENTION OF SPEEDING UP HIS MOLECULES SO HE CAN SHIFT DIMENSIONS BLAH DICK BLAH.

THE HAND CLUTCHING THE TIME DIAMOND BEGINS TO BURN AWAY INTO NOTHING, FADING OUT OF THIS DIMENSION. THIS CONTINUES UNTIL IT DOES THE SAME TO HANDSOMUS’ WRIST.

“WHAT THE?!”

”I GUESS WE CAN BOTH MEET THELDORRIN! HAHAHA!”

IT CONTINUES CLIMBING UP THE SIDE OF THELDORRIN XV’S BODY UNTIL IT TAKES OVER THE ENTIRE LEFT SIDE OF HIS BODY. AS HANDSOMUS’ ARM GETS EATEN AWAY, HANDSOMUS RAISES GUILTY GEAR IN DESPERATION.

“FUCK THIS SHIT! IF YOU WANT TO ROT IN D’LO’S GUT SO BAD, GO AHEAD!” HANDSOMUS SCREAMS, SLAMMING A RAWKRA-INFUSED GUILTY GEAR INTO THE TIME DIAMOND. INSTANTLY, THE GUITAR EXPLODES IN A BRIGHT BLUE BURST. IF HALF OF XV’S FACE WASN’T GONE, HE WOULD SCREAM AS THE TIME DIAMOND COMPACTS INTO A SINGLE POINT UNTIL VANISHING. XV’s body, no longer transferring, BEGINS TO BLEED. THE RIGHT SIDE OF HIS BODY CRASHES DOWN ONTO THE SAND and TWITCHES BEFORE LIFE FADES COMPLETELY OUT OF HIM.

Styles: I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED BUT FUCK!

Handsomus looks at the bleeding stump that used to be his right arm and back to the right half of XV’s body.

“I guess he is my clone.”

THE REFEREE WATCHES HANDSOMUS DRAG WHAT’S LEFT OF HIS OPPONENT BEHIND HIM, XV’S RIGHT ARM WELDED ONTO HIS OWN BODY, CAUTERIZED WITH THE BLINDINGLY HOT STARSTRUCK. Handsomus tosses Theldorrin XV’s remains into the ring, hops in, and puts a foot on his chest. One. Two. Three.

Styles: HE DID IT! THE CATASTROPHIC DEATH MATCH BETWEEN HANDSOMUS R. AWESOME AND THELDORRIN XV IS FINISHED!

ELSEWHERE, in a dark dank HELL of MINDLESS TORTURE AND SOUL-CRUSHING INSANITY TIMES INFINITY lays the left half of Theldorrin XV, still clutching the smoking time diamond. As the tortured silhouettes of human-like figures suffer all around him, a foot lands beside his head and sinks into the BONE, BLOOD, AND SULFUR. As XV dies, he looks up at the creature in front of him, weezing bloody breaths. As life fades from him, the creature reaches down and snatches the time diamond from his hand.

Todd Lightning: The following match is scheduled for one fall. It is for the championship of the Rape block of tonight’s tournament. Now entering the Therapeuticube, Super Queerbasher and the Ant King!

WW: Come on you little shit. Daddy needs a new pair of shoes, and he’s either going to buy them or use your skin to make them.

The airlocks open, and Super Queerbasher and the Ant King step out.

JR: The Non-American champ is the favorite to win here, but on the other hand, Super Queerbasher has already proven himself in the Goodtime Feelwell Therapeuticube!

WW: I don’t know how to feel about this. Either way, the American people win, but it’s such a waste for either of these two to get knocked out.

The bell rings. The Ant King immediately pulls out a machine gun and begins shooting at Super Queerbasher.

JR: The Ant King isn’t wasting any time!

Super Queerbasher dashes laterally across the Ant King’s field of view to escape his bullets. However, because of the dimensions of the cube, he quickly runs out of space. Undaunted, he plants a foot on the wall of the cube and starts running upward! His momentum carries him away from the Ant King’s fire temporarily, but he aims upward and catches up with Super Queerbasher.

Super Queerbasher barely escapes catching a bullet in the ass by jumping off onto the opposite wall! He hits it and runs in a random direction. The Ant King swivels and pulls the trigger once again, but hits nothing but air as Queerbasher is now running on the ceiling! The Ant King keeps following him but can’t seem to get one step ahead and actually hit him.

Queerbasher leaps and hits a wall. He looks down and sees the Ant King facing the opposite direction. Seeing a golden opportunity, he pulls out his Long, Hard Pole and dashes straight for him.

Super Queerbasher: QUEEEEEEERR!!

It all happens in a tiny fraction of a second, too fast to comprehend: what should have been first blood for Queerbasher instead ends up with the reincarnated bigot hitting the floor face first. Ant King hops over Queerbasher’s body and watches it skid halfway across the Therapeuticube.

WW: That damn idiot! Get the fuck up, you fuckup!

JR: It’s gotta be the pressure again! Queerbasher’s been dealt a real rough hand, facing two opponents in a row who aren’t affected by it!

Queerbasher writhes on the metal floor of the Therapeuticube with his hands pressed against his ears. The increases in pressure are much more drastic than in the previous match. His nose is bloody from impacting the floor earlier.

The Ant King walks over, points the rifle at Super Queerbasher and pulls the trigger, but nothing happens.

Ant King: GAWD DAMN BULLETS!!!!!!!

The Ant King takes the AK-47 by the barrel with both hands and smashes the wood stock against Super Queerbasher’s face. He then raises it and brings it down again, but Super Queerbasher catches it with one hand.

Super Queerbasher: QUEEEEEEEEERRRR!!!

Super Queerbasher uses his other hand to punch the Ant King in the gut from the ground, but the Ant King catches his fist with one of his lower hands!

JR: The Ant King has four arms instead of two! You wouldn’t want to challenge him to a good old Mississippi arm wrestle!

WW: Nervously bites his fingernails

Super Queerbasher kicks with both feet. The Ant King uses his last hand and one foot to block, balancing on his last limb. Then he uses that foot to kick Super Queerbasher in the taint!

JR: That oughtta be illegal.

Super Queerbasher: Qu … queer …

The Ant King picks up Super Queerbasher and powerbombs him. Just because God is a dick, he lands with that one vertebra that sticks out the most right on a bolt, which hurts slightly more but not enough to warrant mentioning. Then the Ant King drops an elbow onto Queerbasher’s chest.

Piccolo: Yeah boss, like that! *gay Jon Allen laugh*

Ant King: This is easy! I’m gonna beat you with your own move, bee otch!

The Ant King lifts Super Queerbasher to his knees.

Ant King: Time for the Super Piledriver, Ant King version!

JR: The Ant King is going to crush Queerbasher’s head on the steel floor! He’s going to advance to the quarterfinals!

WW: GOD DAMMIT GET UP! EVEN IF THE ANT KING HAS TO LOSE GET UP YOU STUPID FAGGOT!

Suddenly, the sound of an exoskeleton cracking is heard!

Ant King: Huh?

Piccolo: Boss?

JR: What’s going on?

WW: YESSSSSSS!!!!!

Super Queerbasher’s Long, Hard Pole is sticking out of a fresh hole where Ant King’s ass used to be! Queerbasher extended the Long, Hard Pole, stabbing through his dick and out his anus!

Ant King: MY FUCKING COCK AND ASS BALLS!!!!!!!

The Ant King jumps back, wrenching the pole out of Queerbasher’s hands. Before he can react, the Ant King runs forward, carrying several feet of pole hanging out between his legs, and slams the pole into Queerbasher’s mouth, breaking several teeth!

WW: HE’S TRYIN’ TO MAKE A QUEER OUTTA YOU! YOU LOOK LIKE MY LAST WIFE DOWN THERE!

Queerbasher presses a button on the pole and retracts it. As a result, the Ant King’s massive metal member shrinks to a few inches. Queerbasher pulls the pole out of his opponent’s royal groin.

The Ant King throws a punch, but Super Queerbasher deflects it with the pole! Queerbasher goes to hit him with the pole, but the Ant King knocks it back with his arm! The two trade blows with incredible speed, with Queerbasher managing to keep up even with half as many limbs. Queerbasher succeeds in grabbing Ant King by the wrist. He gets punched in the face three times by all three of the Ant King’s other arms, but doesn’t let go. Instead, he brings down the pole and smashes the Ant King’s arm, breaking it!

Ant King: MOTHER FUCK!!!

Super Queerbasher then breaks another of the Ant King’s arms with the pole before he gets pushed back.

JR: The Ant King now only has four functional limbs! Queerbasher just leveled the playing field!

Super Queerbasher: QUEEEEEEEEEERRR!

Super Queerbasher grabs Ant King and puts him in a piledriver position. He then puts the Long, Hard Pole underneath his feet, balancing on it like a stilt.

JR: What’s he planning?

WW: I can see this coming a mile away! It’s the Super Piledriver!

Super Queerbasher extends the pole, rocketing himself and the inverted Ant King almost to the top of the Therapeuticube. He then retracts it, entering free fall as the pole falls to the wayside. Suddenly, something goes wrong! Queerbasher spasms!

WW: It’s that damn air pressure again!

The Ant King gives Super Queerbasher a mother fucking Ant Bite, rendering him paralyzed! He then positions himself on top of him and lands on top for a colossal Ant Splash!

JR: This is inhuman!

WW: I know, but for some reason I like it less than usual!

Super Queerbasher lies prone and unable to move. The Ant King slowly gets up.

Ant King: I’M GONNA BITE YOUR FUCKING HEAD OFF!

The Ant King opens wide and lunges in! He’s really going to do it! However, at the last fucking second, Super Queerbasher GRABS HIM BY THE DAMN THROAT!

WW: BAH GAWD!

JR: THE ANT BITE! HOW CAN HE MOVE!

Super Queerbasher: That would have been the end if the Long, Hard Pole hadn’t landed on my neck and popped the zit!

THE ANT KING SQUIRMS BUT CAN’T GET FREE. SUPER QUEERBASHER REARS BACK AND THROWS A TITANIC PUNCH THAT CRACKS ANT KING’S FACE. THE ANT KING IS THROWN BACK INTO THE FAR CORNER OF THE ROOM.

WW: This is it, JR.

JR: With the Ant King’s exoskeleton cracked, both of them will be affected by the pressure changes. It’s time for endgame maneuvers!

Super Queerbasher raises both of his open palms hands to the sky.

JR: A super genki dama?

Super Queerbasher: Everyone … I can’t defeat him alone … I need your …

HIS HANDS BECOME MIDDLE FINGERS!

Super Queerbasher: HETEROSEXUALITY!

WW: A Super Straightnki Dama!

People in attendance in the arena start raising their middle fingers in a display of contempt for the brotherhood that the gay pride movement stands for. All over Earth, as well, people raise their fingers in support of Son of Warrior.

Ant King: Gawd dam it …

The pressure increases! Both wrestlers are obviously in pain!

Ant King: You can keep your straight power …

The pressure increases again! Blood pours from the faces of both fighters. Both of them nearly take a knee, but refuse to kneel.

Ant King: BECAUSE I’VE GOT MOTHER FUCKING ANT POWER!!!!

Super Queerbasher: QUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRR!!!!!!

The Ant King and Super Queerbasher rush each other! They meet in the middle and begin trading attacks wildly! Ant King goes for a sweep! Queerbasher hops over and kicks at his knee! Ant King pulls back his leg and throws a clothesline! Queerbasher ducks and swings at his stomach with the pole! Ant King flips over and comes down with an elbow on his head! Queerbasher catches the elbow and throws a headbutt! Ant King sidesteps and spins his arm for a submission! Queerbasher flips out of it and knees him in the gut! It connects! The Ant King doubles over! Queerbasher punches him in the face! He kicks him in the side! He stomps his foot!

Super Queerbasher: QUEER! QUEEEEEEEEEEEEER!!!!!

Punch! Knee! Sweep! Stomp! Elbow!

Piccolo: BOSS!

JR: The Ant King doesn’t know where he is! Bah gawd!

WW: GO you beautiful bastard! Queering don’t make the world work!

The Ant King is on the ground! Queerbasher swings the Long, Hard Pole and breaks another of Ant King’s arms! The Ant King gathers the wherewithal to throw a punch! Queerbasher catches it! Ant King kicks, but Queerbasher blocks with his shin! Ant King kicks with his other leg and catches his other shin!

JR: This time the Ant King is out of limbs!

Ant King: GAWD DAMMIT!!!!!!

Super Queerbasher uses his last remaining hand and uses his Long, Hard Pole finisher! The pole connects, smashing Ant King in the face! Yellow goo sprays out of the fissures in his face under the force of the impact! The Ant King is out cold! Super Queerbasher has won!

WW: That’s what I’m talking about!! There’s nobody that can beat the American champion except my own genetic material, and you saw it here first, folks.

JR: Super Queerbasher wins the Rape block and moves on to the quarterfinals!
Yogurtman
Odin
Joined: 03 Jan 2007
Posts: 2248
(Fri Feb 23, 2007 1:35 am)
Reply

Post     Re: FTUW'S KING SHIT OF FUCK PLANET (#18)

MC: We’re gearing up for the final match of Murder block over here. Now remember that the temperature will increase by one degree for each second of the match that goes by! Both of these men are hellions, but I doubt they can handle this heat!

SC: Maybe, but I bet you handle the meat very well don’cha Cole?

JV: Heh, good one Stone Cold!

MC: Stone Cold, why are you still here?

SC: Because you sawed off runt, I’m Stone Cold Steve FUCKING Austin! I’m drunk as fuck and I ain’t leaving my seat till I’m good and ready!

Suddenly, Lucifer appears sitting beside the commentators.

Lucifer: Greetings, gentlemen.

JV: Lucifer! How’s it going chief?

MC: How’d you get to Fuck Planet, Lucifer?

Lucifer: Hell is where the heart is, Mr. Cole. I just decided to stop by and watch my boy Jack in action.

MC: Well thank you for dropping by Lucifer, but we already have Stone Cold as the guest commentator. I’m afraid we don’t have the space for you.

Cole realizes his mistake almost immediately. Not missing a beat, Austin uppercuts him into outer space. Cole hurdles through the massive vacuum that is our universe until he crashes into Gay Nigger Planet where he’s raped mercilessly. This is what Cole will refer to from this day forth as “that pretty good day”.

Hard’rok and Daniels each prepare to step into the ring. Both are wounded all over from their respective semi-final matches against opponents who put up a much tougher fight than one would have expected from jobbers. Lucifer calls over to his wrestler and asks him to step over to the table where they are.

Jack: Yeah Lucifer?

Lucifer: Look at those wounds, not to mention the heat exhaustion. Tsk tsk, I thought that training pumped you up! Worry not, though! Jesse?

Ventura sticks his fingers into Daniels’ chest. His blood begins pumping through his fingers into Jack’s body like a gas pump, helping restore Daniels’ stamina. Ventura shrinks down from his own blood loss, but remains as intense as ever as he returns to his seat.

Ventura: I wanted to do that before the finals, dammit! You’d better kick his ass real quick now!

Daniels flexes his muscles perfectly and smiles.

Jack: Easy as pie!

Austin: You yellow-bellied sumbitch! Your boy Daniels is healthy again and Hard’rok’s still looks like Debra did after she forgot to bring me my whiskey after dinner!

Lucifer: Heh heh heh! It seems as if Baron von Toity’s bid to keep Musclepotamia out of the final four was a failure. This match is in the bag!

The sun is set to 65 degrees and both fighters climb into the newly reformed sand ring. Covered in wounds all over from when Rodney Austin punched him through the spiked sand cage, Hard’rok is barely standing up due to the massive loss of blood. So does that mean he’s going to throw in the towel? No freaking way!

The bell rings and the match begins. A woozy Hard’rok fires right out of the gates with a level one chair shot that catches Daniels by surprise. He follows up with a flurry of chair shots that pummel Daniels to the ground.

SC: Now that’s how you stomp a mudhole in a man!

However, Daniels was blocking those attacks and waiting for the right opportunity. It appears when Hard’rok attempts to follow up with a level two attack. Seizing the cracking a lobster apart, he begins to tear open the wounds inflicted during the previous match! Blood pours out everywhere! Hard’rok can’t even hold onto his chair anymore and collapses!

Lucifer: Don’t hold back, Jack! Show them the terror of Musclepotamia!

But Hard’rok is quite through yet! The blazing sun is already at a sweltering 125 degrees and Daniels is starting to feel the burn. Daniels goes to rip open the Cloaked Man’s wounds again but Hard’rok counters by grabbing Daniels right up against him!

Hard’rok: Take this!

Hard’rok rubs himself vigorously against Jack, the friction causing the heat in Daniels’ body to rise! Eventually, this combined with the ever-searing sun causes Daniels to burst into flames! The once confident Musclepotamia goon writes in pains and he stops, drops and rolls!

SC: Ha ha ha, I thought your buddy was good with fire?

JV: Yeah, uh, stuff happened.

Daniels is able to put the blaze out, but is thrown in the air by Hard’rok while his guard is down! Hard’rok follows him into the air and grabs Daniel’s head between his ankles while he leans to the side and powerbombs him!

Hard’rok: BIG BAUHAUS BASH!

JV: HOLY FUCK! If Hard’rok connects with that move on the rock hard mat, it’ll break Jack’s neck!

Lucifer takes out a gun and shoots Hard’rok in the thigh with it. The ref doesn’t see it of course because he’s retarded. Daniels is able to escape the attack now that Hard’rok’s legs are not secure around his neck and counters it into a piledriver! Hard’rok into is driven into the rock-solid mat, imbedding his horns into the stony canvas. Stone Cold has an enraged look in his eye.

Lucifer: What are you so angry about? You know we’re dicks!

SC: This sun…MADE MY BEER WARM!!!

With the temperature at 190 and most people in the crowd bursting into flames, Stone Cold leaps up into the air right at the fake sun! He puts it on his shoulder and Stunners the goddamn sun! It explodes and the temperature turns back to normal almost immediately, saving a mass-slaughter of the entire crowd! The survivors are so delighted by Stone Cold’s actions that they tear their livers out and donate them to him so that he need never fear sclerosis, which I guess makes his heroic action moot.

Back in the ring, Daniels pulls his leg back as far as his body will allow and exhibits a nasty sneer. Unleashing the full torque of his body, Daniels kicks Hard’rok so hard that he’s sent flying, pieces of the ring still on his horns, and crashes into the turnbuckle in the corner! Hard’rok only realizes at the last second what this means as various spikes impale him!

Daniels confidently struts over and removes his near-death opponent from the turnbuckle. Putting his foot on the man’s chest, he flexes while the ref is forced to count for this cocky pin.

ONE…

Hard’rok (thinking): Uh…it’s so cold. Where’d the sun go?

TWO…

Hard’rok: Evil’s going to conquer this planet. It’s over…

Goth teenager’s ghost: Don’t give up Hardy!

Hard’rok: ?!?!

The ghosts of the three youths who died against Rodney Austin appear before Hard’rok.

Dead Goth 2: We sacrificed ourselves because we knew you would beat this guy and save the world!

Dead Goth 3: You can feel sorry for yourself later as you complain about the world while drinking in a graveyard. But now is the time to FIGHT!

Hard’rok: You’re right guys! This is no time to relax! Let’s do this!

THREE!

Hard’rok: Huh?

Dead Goth 2: Oh shit, sorry man.

Dead Goth 1: Yeah, I guess we really shouldn’t have taken so long with our pep talk.

Hard’rok: Eh, it’s cool.

MA: I'M MARV ALBERT, HERE WITH BILL WALTON, READY FOR THE INSANITY BRACKET FINAL BETWEEN JOHN BAINES MCGUINNESS AND IMPIOUS TO BEGIN.

BW: Why are you yelling, Marv?

MA: WHY NOT?

BW: WHY NOT, INDEED.

MA: Yes, well, in this final match of the Insanity bracket John Baines and Impious will start out on top of the tallest building in Neo Detroit, which this card tells me has been named Fuck Tower. I don't make this stuff up, people. Anyway, every five minutes a mental patient will be dropped from a helicopter. Also, since this is the last match in the bracket and the final battle at Fuck Mountain is a free for all, the building has been filled with the surviving mental patients and, uh, ten tons of dynamite that is set to go off in an hour, regardless of whether the match is over or not.

BW: THAT IS TERRIBLE, MARV. JUST TERRIBLE.

MA: Well, since I'd rather not explode, let's get to the match now.

The two WARRIORS stand opposite each other. The camera does this awesome thing where it starts out with a close-up in Impious, then dollies up and faces down to show both fighters from high above along with the long fall to the bottom and then focuses into a close-up of John Baines. A movie should use this sometime if it hasn't been done before.

"So we meet again, Prick," John Baines says.

"Yep."

"You can talk?" John Baines asks, surprised.

"I guess you didn't see my promos while you were off dicking around in space with cowboys," Impious explains. "Well, let's get this show on the road so I can win the belt and kill Arschloch and the Hart Foundation."

"I thought you still worshipped Arschloch?"

"Watch my promos, douche."

MA: Neither man seems particularly worried about the time limit.

BW: You can't let outside things get to you, Marv. If you take baggage onto the court, it's just going to weigh you down.

MA: I haven't been this worried since I almost went to jail.

After several minutes of the two discussing the various events of their current story arcs, a guy falls from a helicopter and explodes into chunks. The hand, still clutching a knife, skids over to John's feet. Picking up the knife, John says, "I suppose we should pick up where we left off last time."

"May as well."

JOHN BAINES LAUNCHES HIMSELF AT FULL SPEED, FASTER THAN HE'S EVER BEEN BEFORE, AND LEAPS ONTO IMPIOUS' CHEST. HE STABS IMPIOUS IN ONE SHOULDER AND THEN BITES INTO HIS NECK. IMPIOUS, RECOVERING FROM THE SURPRISE, FALLS FACE FIRST AND POUNDS JOHN INTO THE ROOF. STILL, JOHN DOESN'T LOSE HIS GRIP, SO IMPIOUS STARTS PUMMELING JOHN IN THE KIDNEY WITH HIS STUMP. THIS FINALLY FORCES JOHN TO LET GO AS HE ROLLS AROUND IN PAIN.

Impious pulls the knife out of his shoulder and tosses it off the roof.

MA: Impious managed to fight it off, but he still got the worst of that encounter.

BW: That was just terrible. Absolutely dreadful.

Impious walks toward John, who gingerly stands back up. Suddenly, Impious feels a pain. The brand ...

"J-Jobber ... Jobber ..."

Impious wipes the blood off the brand and flings it into John Baines' eyes. JAKE THE SNAKE HAD CLIMBED UP THE WALL OF THE BUILDING AND LEAPS ONTO IMPIOUS' BACK! HE PUTS IMPIOUS IN A FRONT FACELOCK AND THEN DDTS HIM THROUGH THE ROOF.

MA: A spectacular move by Jake the Snake, although he isn't supposed to be in this match.

BW: Terrible. Shameful.

Inside the building, Impious repeatedly punches THE SNAKE, but his blows seem ineffective.

"It's more shameful to deny fear than it is to run from danger," the Snake says, smiling. THE SNAKE whips Impious into the wall and then pulls him back for a short-arm clothesline. "He who imitates evil always goes beyond the example that is set," Jake looks down at Impious, "On the contrary, he who imitates good always falls a little bit short." Impious tries getting back up, but Jake the Snake knee-lifts right into his chin.

MA: This is all very cryptic!

Jake the Snake lifts Impious up by his bald head and shouts, "JOBBER!" Laughing, he throws Impious back down and rolls him up by his leg. Impious tries to break the pin, but the Snake is too strong!

IN THE GODDAMNED NICK OF TIME EVEN THOUGH THE PIN WOULDN'T BE LEGAL, JOHN BAINES ELBOW DROPS THROUGH THE HOLE AND KNOCKS EVERYONE ANOTHER FLOOR DOWN!

MA: YES!

Impious pushes both men off of him and stands up before either of the others.

"I'll never be a jobber to you," Impious points at Jake the Snake, who looks up with an evil grin, "Tell that to the Hart Foundation when you see them in Hell!" WITH THAT IMPIOUS JUMPS UP AND STOMPS JAKE THE SNAKE'S HEAD INTO FUCKING MUSH.

MA: YES! Impious killed Jake the Snake!

BW: A terrible call by the officials.

A loud CRASH hits the roof and then the sound of dragging can be heard. This distracts Impious long enough for JOHN BAINES TO FUCKING SHOULDER TACKLE HIM INTO THE WALL. IMPIOUS ELBOWS BAINES IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD AND THEN GRABS HIS FACE FOR THE SACRELIGIOUS AWAKENING, BUT INSTEAD OF THROWING HIM DOWN, HE SLAMS JOHN BAINES' HEAD INTO THE CEILING.

The insane are drawn to the ruckus and run to the fighters PUSHING THEM OUT THE WINDOW!!!!!!!!!

MA: This doesn't look good for either of our fighters!

JOHN BAINES AND IMPIOUS START FALLING, BUT BAINES RECOVERS IN TIME TO CLIMB UP THE BACKS OF THE FALLING CRAZIES. IMPIOUS FALLS A FEW MORE FLOORS, BUT SMASHES HIS FIST THROUGH THE WALL AND HANGS.

BW: With only one hand, that's a bad situation to get yourself into.

MA: Yes.

John Baines, using his skills from training in TEN TIMES THE EARTH'S GRAVITY, LEAPS TO THE ROOF THROUGH THE TWO HOLES. Three MENTAL PATIENTS are waiting for him. But their legs are broken from falling like 20 feet, so John just kicks their heads off.

BUT HE HEARS THE SOUND OF BRICKS EXPLODING BECAUSE IMPIOUS USED HIS FUCKING HEAD TO HEADBUTT THE BRICKS TO GET A FUCKING HOLD ON THE WALL WHILE CLIMBING WITH HIS GOOD HAND ALL THE WAY UP THE FUCKING WALL BECAUSE, FUCK, HE'S NOT GOING TO LET A DISABILITY KEEP HIM FROM KICKING ASS! FUCK! FUCK!

MA: FUCK! YES!

BW: That was pretty awesome, but also it was absolutely terrible.

So, uh, THE FUCKING FINAL SHOWDOWN.

THE SHIT IS INTENSE.

JOHN BAINES AND IMPIOUS JUST STARE EACH OTHER DOWN.

AND THEN A FUCKING GUITAR SOLO BREAKS OUT AND THEY RUN RIGHT AT EACH OTHER AND START TRADING BLOWS AT RETARDED SPEED. NOT RETARDED AS IN SLOW, BUT RETARDED AS IN FUCKING EXTREME!! FINALLY, JOHN BAINES THROWS TWO PUNCHES AT ONCE SO THAT IMPIOUS CAN'T BLOCK THEM BOTH.

MA: IMPIOUS CAN'T BLOCK THEM BOTH! THIS COULD BE IT!

SO IMPIOUS FUCKING BLOCKS THE PUNCH WITH A HEADBUTT AND THEN KICKS BAINES IN THE STOMACH, SENDING HIM FLYING ACROSS THE ROOFTOP. HE SMASHES INTO A FORTUNATELY PLACED CHIMNEY AND COLLAPSES INTO A HEAP.

MA: THAT WAS A SPECTACULAR MOVE BY IMPIOUS! YES!

BW: Terrible, terrible.

Impious walks over and starts stomping on John Baines' head, but BAINES WON'T TAKE THAT SHIT AND HE STARTS THROWING BRICKS AT IMPIOUS, FORCING HIM TO RETREAT. THEN HE RUNS UP AND PUNCHES IMPIOUS IN HIS SPIKED CODPIECE, RIPPING HIS OWN KNUCKLES TO SHREDS. Still, that has to seriously hurt being punched in the balls. IMPIOUS DOUBLES OVER AND JOHN BAINES AXE HANDLES HIM TO THE FLOOR. BUT IMPIOUS RETURNS THE FAVOR BY UPPERCUTTING JOHN BAINES IN HIS JUNK!

MA: This is just absolutely brutal.

BW: I know, it's terrible.

THE MENTAL PATIENTS IN THE BUILDING START POUNDING ON THE DOOR TO THE ROOF.

AND THEN IT FUCKING BUSTS OPEN!

SOON THE ENTIRE ROOF IS COVERED WITH THEM AND IMPIOUS AND JOHN BAINES HAVE TO FIGHT THEM OFF! THEY'RE LIKE FUCKING ZOMBIES EXCEPT THEY MOVE AT NORMAL HUMAN SPEED! WITH POWERFUL PUNCHES AND SUCH, THE INSANE EXPLODE INTO FLAMING BLOOD! THE FLAMES CATCH THE ROOF ON FIRE AND NOW THE REAL SHOWDOWN CAN BEGIN.

IT'S FUCKING DRAMATIC AS HELL.

MA: THEY'RE ON FIRE! LITERALLY!

Intestine dangle from Impious' mouth. His eyes are all white and he's breathing hard.

John Baines stares back in a similar state of exhaustion.

The flames surround them in a very awesome way and the entire roof is slick with blood, so it all reflects red and orange.

Impious lets the intestines fall from his mouth and they both cock back one fist.

THEY RUSH EACH OTHER FOR ONE LAST PUNCH.

AND THEY BOTH FUCKING CONNECT.

THEY STAND LOOKING AT THE OTHER, WAITING FOR HIM TO FALL. THEIR FACES LITERALLY WRAP AROUND THE FIST THAT IS DESTROYING THEIR SKULLS.

MA: YES! YES! FUCK YES!

JOHN BAINES SMILES AT IMPIOUS, BUT THEN HIS EYES ROLL BACK. HE HITS THE GROUND LIKE A SACK OF SHIT, UNCONSCIOUS. Impious looks down casually and wipes the blood from his fist.

"I'm winning the title, asshole."

MA: Yes! Impious will be the man to represent the Insanity bracket at Fuck Mountain!

Styles: Welcome back FIGHT FANS, to the BLOCK OF EXPLOSIONS! We're here to finish this things off with the final for this bracket, a bout between My Head Hurts 90 and Handsomus R. Awesome! The winner of this match will be the last of the four who will climb that the ever-present, ominous metal mountain in the background. If they can reach the top, they have the chance to engage in a brutal TUG-OF-WAR battle with CURRENT CHAMP GUAN FEI. Once a competitor reaches the top, whoever is the last man standing on the peak will take home the belt.

Junior: But what if no one makes it up there?

Styles: I honestly don't know. Let's hope that doesn't happen.

Handsomus R. Awesome rides along on Starstruck, coasting across the water as he heads to a RING positioned in the middle of the ocean. He leaps into the ring and ENCASES STARSTRUCK in belts before handing it to the timekeeper (who's sitting in a canoe). He turns his head to see My Head Hurts standing on a locker, his arms crossed, as a boat engine strapped to the engine slowly propels him towards the ring. As MHH docks on the side of the ring, he NIMBLY and HANDSOMELY leaps into the ring in the most manly of fashions.

Junior: Wooow! Are you ready boys and girls? Are you ready, Joey? The menacing My Head Hurts and the Heroic Handsomus, here to give us some AQUATIC ACTION. A ripped up, dragged out, OCEAN ORGY of DEATH and DESTRUCTION, yes-sirree!

Before the match even starts, MHH drops to a knee and slams his palms into the mat, SUMMONING his mysterious lockers. Handsomus takes a slight step back, on guard for whatever trick MHH has prepared. The lockers open up to reveal HOT ASIAN BABES inside. They immediately start caressing MHH's skin as he smiles like a shithead.

Styles: And MHH is trying to psyche Handsomus out, I think. Or maybe he's just an arrogant dick.

Shadows obscure Handsomus eyes as he slowly brings his hands together. Suddenly, blue wisps of energy bounce from finger to finger and his hands part and he takes a guitar stance. AWESOME SUDDENLY BEGINS ROCKING OUT WITH HIS AIR GUITAR, furiously into his own music that doesn't exist. MHH raises an eyebrow until he hears something. SOMETHING GROWING IN HIS EAR. ROCK. BADASS ROCK. Handsomus is so into his fucking rocking that MHH can hear EVEN with an air guitar. And just as he planned, the ASIAN BITCHES begin to stroll over Handsomus and RUB HIS COSMIC CROTCH. Handsomus sneers back as MHH clenches his fist in ANGER. Lockers BURST OUT OF THE MAT and THEIR DOORS SWING OPEN.

"LOCKER ... COFFIN!" MHH SCREAMS. SUDDENLY, A VACUUM SUCKS THE HOT ASIAN BITCHES IN THE LOCKERS, THE DOORS SLAMMING SHUT BEHIND THEM.

"What the hell are you doing?!" Handsomus shouts. MHH CLOSES HIS HAND AND BLOOD SQUIRTS OUT THROUGH THE VENTS AS THE GIRLS SCREAM IN AGONY. Handsomus' hand trembles in rage as the lockers sink back into the mat.

Styles: That bastard! He killed his own women because they couldn't resist the SEXUAL STRUMMING of Handsomus on his air guitar!

As shadows obscure Handsomus', uh, sunglasses, HE RAISES A HAND TO MHH. THE HAND SLOWLY TRANSFORMS INTO A FIST THAT SLOWLY TRANSFORMS INTO HIM POINTING. THIS DRAMATIC GESTURE IS PUNCTUATED BY A GRAVEL-VOICED "YOU!!" FROM HANDSOMUS, A DECLARATION OF DESTRUCTION FROM THE SPACE COWBOY!

THE BELL RINGS.

"LOCKER ... WAVE!" MHH SHOUTS as LOCKERS RUSH UP FROM THE GROUND AND CHARGE HANDSOMUS. Handsomus MERELY CLOTHESLINES the STEEL out of the way, turning it to SHRAPNEL. MHH sends more LOCKERS BARRELING TOWARDS HANDSOMUS but he MERELY KNOCKS THEM AWAY. As HANDSOMUS' MARCH IS ABOUT TO END WITH HIM A MERE FOOT AWAY FROM MHH, MHH slams his HAND DOWN ON THE MAT and SUMMONS ONE FINAL LOCKER. A TEN FOOT TALL LOCKER, JET-BLACK AND COVERED IN SPIKES.

"It's over ... this is DAVEY JONES' LOCKER!" MHH mutters. HANDSOMUS attempts to SWAT away the LOCKER but it BARELY BENDS under HIS FIST. SUDDENLY, MORE LOCKERS APPEAR BEHIND HANDSOMUS AND SLAM HIM FORWARD, PROPELLING HIM INTO THE DEATH LOCKER! The DEATH LOCKER DOOR SHUTS and spins around to FACE MY HEAD HURTS.

Styles: This may be it for Handsomus!

MHH LIFTS HIS HAND UP WITH A SMIRK and begins to CLOSE HIS FIST ... TO FIND IT WON'T CLOSE! HE CONTINUES TO TRY AND CRUSH HANDSOMUS INSIDE THE DEATH LOCKER TO NO AVAIL!

"N-No way!" MHH SHOUTS. THE DEATH LOCKER EXPLODES IN A FLURRY OF SHRAPNEL as HANDSOMUS STANDS AMONGST THE WRECKAGE LOOKING LIKE A MEGA-BADASS.

"ASTRAL SHOULDAH!" HANDSOMUS SAYS, VOLLEYING HIS ENTIRE WEIGHT FORWARD INTO MY HEAD HURTS. THE MAT BEHIND HANDSOMUS EXPLODES FROM THE INTENSE POWER AS MHH IS ROCKETED THROUGH THE ROPES, SNAPPING THEM, AND SENT SKIDDING ALONG THE WATER. After going about thirty feet, MHH sinks into the water, blood trailing from his mouth.

Styles: ASTRAL SHOULDER! HANDSOMUS HAS DONE IT! But now that My Head Hurts is sunk, how will Handsomus get the pin?

MHH's body drifts underwater until his EYES SNAP OPEN when the camera is zoomed in on them.

WATER EXPLODES UPWARDS LIKE A GEYSER as MY HEAD HURTS TORSO ARISES FROM THE WATER. HANDSOMUS TAKES A FIGHTING STANCE UNTIL HE NOTICES SOMETHING STRANGE. MHH'S FACE IS WARPED IN PAIN! HE CONTINUES UPWARD TO REVEAL A GIANT SHARK IS EATING HIS LOWER HALF. THE SHARK SOARS INTO THE AIR AND TOSSES MHH AWAY, HIS SIDE FILLED WITH A SERIES OF HOLES FROM THE RAZOR-SHARP TEETH. SUDDENLY, THE SHARK LANDS IN THE RING TO REVEAL ... HE'S DRESSED LIKE A PIRATE. AND HAS ARMS AND LEGS!

Styles: OH MY GOOOOOOOD!! WHAT IS THIS?!

"What the fuck?" Handsomus mutters.

"Yar har har!!" the muscular shark dressed like a pirate says, the shark's head sticking straight up out of the collar of the frilly pirate garb, "Don't you recognize me?"

"Uh ..."

"I'm Jonesie ... the Merciless!"

Styles: JONESIE THE MERCILESS?! But he's dead! And not a shark!

"Jonesie was a guy. You're a shark ... man ..." Handsomus, "Besides me and Jonesie didn't really know each other. He was a low-carder guy."

"Enough of that! I'm back now and I'm gonna make a name for myself by BLOWIN' your land-lubbin' head off!" JONESIE SAYS, RAISING HIS CANNON ARM TOWARDS HANDSOMUS.

"Shit," HANDSOMUS MANAGES TO MUTTER BEFORE A CANNONBALL CLOCKS HIM IN THE SIDE OF THE SHOULDER, SENDING HIM SPIRALING INTO A NEARBY RING POST. Jonesie yanks out a SCIMITAR and steps forward a Handsomus tries to collect himself. JONESIE starts SWINGING away at HANDSOMUS who uses his FOREARMS to block the SLASHES. Handsomus KICKS the SHIT OUT OF JONESIE and NAILS HIM WITH A SNAP POWERBOMB. However, Jonesie kips to his feet, seemingly unfazed and shouts "On guard!"

Junior: Jonesie! Jonesie the Merciless! He's a ... shark man!

HANDSOMUS kicks the SCIMITAR out of JONESIE'S HAND and starts BEATING THE SHIT out of the SHARK MAN. Jonesie FIRES OFF A CANNONBALL at POINT BLANK RANGE that nails HANDSOMUS IN THE RIBS, causing him to CHOKE UP A LITTLE BLOOD. He stumbles into the corner as JONESIE LEAPS INTO THE OPPOSITE CORNER, PRESSING HIS SUPER MUSCULAR LEGS AGAINST THE RING POST. Suddenly, HE LAUNCHES FORWARD AND SPINS, HIS SHARK MOUTH WIDE OPEN TO DEVOUR HANDSOMUS!

Styles: HE'S LIKE A ... SHARK TORPEDO! Jesus, this is fucking retarded.

HANDSOMUS DIVES OUT OF THE WAY as JONESIE EASILY TAKES OUT THE RING POST and CRASHES INTO THE WATER. As Handsomus is on all fours on the mat, JONESIE submerges into the water, his SHARK FIN JUTTING OUT OF THE WATER the only indicator where he is.

As Handsomus stands up, the SHARK FIN COMES BARRELING TOWARDS THE RING. HANDSOMUS LEAPS INTO THE AIR AND THE FUCKING RING IS SLASHED IN HALF. Awesome lands on a SINKING HALF OF THE RING, JONESIE STILL CIRCLING HIM.

Styles: Oh God! If Jonesie can tear through an FTUW ring that easily, I hate to say it but Handsomus may be fish food.

JONESIE BURSTS FROM THE WATER and COLLIDES INTO HANDSOMUS CHEST. THE FORCE CAUSES HANDSOMUS TO CHOKE UP BLOOD AND SEND HIM ROCKETING ACROSS THE WATER. As Handsomus' eyes focus, he sees the SHARK FIN CIRCLING HIM AGAIN. About 20 yards away HE CAN SEE HIS GUITAR, STARSTRUCK. IF HE CAN JUST GET TO IT!

BUT SHARKMAN JONESIE COMES FLYING TOWARDS. AS HE CLOSES IN TOWARDS THE HOPELESS HANDSOMUS, HANDSOMUS RAISES HIS FISTS TO PROTECT HIMSELF.

KLANG!

HANDSOMUS LOWERS HIS GUARD TO SEE JONESIE STUCK IN DAVEY JONES' LOCKER!

Styles: OH MY GOOOOOOOD!!

HANDSOMUS BOLTS HIS HEAD TOWARDS MY HEAD HURTS WHO IS CLINGING TO A FLOATING LOCKER, BLOOD TRAILING FROM HIS LIPS. HE TURNS BACK TO THE LOCKER AND WRAPS HIS ARMS AROUND IT.

"GIVE ME A BOOST!" HANDSOMUS SHOUTS. MHH SLAMS HIS HAND INTO THE WATER AND A LOCKER RISES UNDER HANDSOMUS, ALLOW HIM TO STAND. BENDING DOWN, HE LAUNCHES INTO THE AIR AT 80 MILES PER HOUR!

"YAAAAAAARG!" JONESIE SCREAMS FROM INSIDE THE LOCKER AS HE DESPERATELY TRIES TO FREE HIMSELF.

"SEE YOU HELL, JONESIE! INTERGALACTIC GALACTIC DRIVER!!" HANDSOMUS SCREAMS AS HE TURNS UPSIDE-DOWN FIFTY FEET IN THE AIR AND BEGINS SPINNING. AWESOME PLUMMETS INTO THE WATER, CLUTCHING DAVEY JONES' LOCKER, AND IS SENT ROCKETING UNDERWATER. HANDSOMUS CRASHES INTO THE SEA FLOOR AND THE LOCKER IS SENT THROUGH IT, DEEP INTO THE MANTLE!

Styles: INTERGALACTIC GALACTIC DRIVER! FUCK SHIT!

HANDSOMUS BURSTS OUT OF THE WATER AND GRABS MY HEAD HURTS. HANDSOMUS CARRIES HIM TO THE BEACH AND DROPS HIM ON THE GROUND. Tearing his shirt, HANDSOMUS bandages up My Head Hurts Ninety's wounds.

"I owe you," Handsomus mutters, "But I'm winning this one." MHH weakly gives him a thumbs up before passing out. Handsomus drops his boot on his chest and gets the pin. Handsomus wins.

Atop the grand, metal structure known as Fuck Mountain II, Guan Fei sits on his championship throne, drinking from a chalice with his spear, Killing the Dragon, at his side. He finishes off his rice wine and grabs the tap to the giant keg set beside him, filling it up once more. One of his mistresses, set on top of Fuck Mountain to help pass the time, begins massing his shoulders.

“This is taking forever,” Guan Fei drinks more wine, “Before I was anxious, now I’m just bored.”

“Want me to take into the great tiger?” the mistress asks.

“Bend over in front of me,” Guan Fei replies. The mistress complies, raising her ass towards her lord. Guan Fei leans forward and then KICKS HER IN THE ASS, sending her flying down the mountain, hitting spikes and shit along the way. Guan Fei chuckles slightly but quickly he becomes depressed again. Lightning bolts FLASH in the clouds above and below him.

“Jeez, this weather is shitty,” he mutters before leaning over in his chair and taking the tap directly into his mouth.

J.R.: Welcome back, folks, as we are finally coming to the MAIN EVENT of KING SHIT OF FUCK PLANET! It’s gonna be hotter than cow patty in the Oklahoma sun.

W.W.: What does that even mean? Anyway, Jim is right, this is going to be ONE EXCITING MATCH. Guan Fei, FTUW champion will be taking on FELLOW MUSCLEPOTAMIAN, Handsomus R. Awesome of the Princes of the Universe, Impious the Rehabilitated Prick, and FUCK ALL THOSE OTHER GUYS BECAUSE MY BOY is going to SMASH THEIR COCKSUCKING HEADS IN. QUEERBASHER FOR CHAMP! Everyone can eat a million dicks for all I care! Ha ha ha!

J.R.: But he’s got some tough competition. In fact, Guan Fei has the best chances out of all of them. These four guys have been through some HELLACIOUS BATTLES and the champ’s just been sitting on his ass. I wouldn’t be surprised if the FTUW trend of a new champion being crowned after every big PPV ends tonight!

W.W.: But enough of this shit! Let’s go watch Super Queerbasher fuck everyone’s day up!

The fifty foot tall ELECTRIFIED LASER WALL drenched in NAPALM opens it TRIPLE-TITANIUM DOORS OPEN to let our FOUR COMPETITORS ENTER. HANDSOMUS R. AWESOME, JACK DANIELS, IMPIOUS THE PRICK, AND SUPER QUEERBASHER all make their way to the BASE OF FUCK MOUNTAIN, gawking at MODERN MARVEL OF MURDER. All four men, each at their own corner of the mountain, begin their ASCENT.

J.R.: And the main event is underway!

“That is one huge dick,” Handsomus says looking up the mountain, “I guess I should just fly up there and kick Guan Fei real quick.” Handsomus THROWS STARSTRUCK in front of him and HOPS ON. After kicking the WHAMMY BAR it only sputters, shooting out a few flames but really not going anywhere. “I guess it’s out of fuel. Oh well,” Handsomus says before slinging the guitar over his back and digging his FINGERS into the STEEL DICK.

SUPER QUEERBASHER STEADILY CLIMBS THE MOUNTAIN with HIS LONG, HARD POLE NESTLED BETWEEN HIS TEETH. He uses the NUMEROUS STEEL SPIKES PROTRUDING FROM THE SHAFT as FOOTHOLDS as he continues his climb. Random steam ejects from vents in the mountain like it was that hill on Nickelodeon’s GUTS.

IMPIOUS THE GUY, no longer wearing his black contacts or pretending he doesn’t have a tongue, attempts to just RUN UP THE MOUNTAIN, using his MOMENTUM to PROPEL UP THE SHAFT. It works for a little while until his FEET SIMPLY STOP TOUCHING THE METAL and he begins to fall. He SLIPS and grabs onto the FIRST OF THE PLATFORMS ATTACHED to the side of FUCK MOUNTAIN to accommodate combat that isn’t kicking your opponent in the ribs while they try to climb.

IMPIOUS lifts himself up and wipes the SWEAT FROM HIS BROW.

“So, you’re the first one I’m running into …” says a SHADOWY FIGURE STANDING ON A PLATFORM A FEW YARDS AWAY FROM IMPIOUS.

“You …” Impious says. Then he pauses. “Wait, who are you?”

ELSEWHERE, like on the other side of FUCK MOUNTAIN, Handsomus R. Awesome pulls himself onto a platform. As he DUSTS OFF HIS CHAPS, HE IS HIT WITH A VICIOUS BLOW THAT SENDS HIM CAREENING INTO THE BIG VEIN ON FUCK MOUNTAIN. AS HIS FACE BOUNCES OFF THE METAL, HE TURNS HIS HEAD TO SEE NONE OTHER THAN SUPER QUEERBASHER, clutching his JAGGED AND BENT POLE.

“You’re gonna get fucked, f-f-faggot,” QUEERBASHER MUTTERS.

AT THE TOP OF MOUNTAIN, GUAN FEI SITS IN HIS THRONE STROKING HIS BEARD. DARKNESS SUDDENLY COMES OVER FUCK PLANET, GAINING GUAN FEI’S ATTENTION. He raises his head to SEE OUR MOON ECLIPSING THE EARTH.

”Hmmm …” Guan Fei strokes his beard further.

ELSEWHERE ON THE ISLAND, THE ANT KING IS BODYSLAMMING A STEROID-FUELED MEGA GORILLA INTO A TREE. THE TREE EJECTS ITS SPIKES ON IMPACT, IMPALING THE GORILLA REPEATEDLY. Suddenly, HARD’ROK CRASHES A FLAMING BALD EAGLE (being on fire is a part of its defense mechanism) INTO THE GROUND and repeatedly STOMPS ITS HEAD INTO PUDDY.

”Geez Louise! What’s up with these animals? They are least five times more murderous than they were before,” Hard’Rok says, wiping bald eagle brain off his boot.

“IT’S THE MOTHERFUCKING ECLIPSE!!” ANT KING SAYS, POINTING A BLOODY FINGER TO THE MOON, “ITS MAKIN’ ALL THE ANIMELS SUPER FUCKING HORNY AND PISSED. I CAN FEEL THE MOON IN MY DICK!!”

“Wow,” HARD’ROK says as he TURNS to see an ARMY of BIZARRE BEASTS LUMBERING TOWARDS these PRINCES OF THE UNIVERSE. Hard’Rok whips out a chair and THE ANT KING LOADS A CLIP INTO HIS AK-47.

”LET’S DO THIS SHIZNIT!!!”

Super Queerbasher hops from platform to platform, avoiding Handsomus R. Awesome’s attacks. Upon landing, QUEERBASHER SQUEEZES HIS POLE AND THE MECHANICAL STICK EXTENDS, SLAMMING HANDSOMUS IN THE FACE. HANDSOMUS hits the ground and slides off the PLATFORM, grabbing onto the EDGE IN THE NICK OF TIME.

J.R.: Super Queerbasher is taking it to Handsomus R. Awesome, folks! I’m a little surprised, to say the least, but I’m starting to think he can go ALL THE WAY after defeating the Ant King!

W.W.: Surprised? SURPRISED? Don’t you know WHOSE LOINS he sprung from? The KID HAD IT IN HIM ALL ALONG, he just needed a LITTLE MOTIVATION. SOME DIRECTION. Now, he’s going to beat the fucking shit out of that space queer and claim THE BELT.

J.R.: You used to like Handsomus!

W.W.: Look, that’s before Ant King showed up. The Ant King can represent these United States without dressing up like one of the Village People.

AS HANDSOMUIS tries to PULL HIMSELF onto the PLATFORM, Queerbasher DROPS a BOOT ONTO HIS FINGERS. Handsomus PEERS UPWARD at the maniacal white trash grinning above him.

“Hey dude, I can see up your jean shorts,” Handsomus notes. QUEERBASHER’S EYES SINK INTO HIS SKULL AS HE BARES CLENCHED TEETH.

J.R.: Oh boy, now he’s done it.

“Q-Q-Q-Q-QUEEEEEEERR!!” QUEERBASHER HOWLS.

J.R.: AND QUEERBASHER has ALREADY BECOME CONSUMED WITH PRIMAL, HOMOPHOBIC RAGE. We’ve all heard about the incident years back when Queerbasher was wrestling in Louisiana Championship Wrestling. The next day after the event, police found all the other wrestlers dead in the shower room, their skulls bashed in. Some say that was the last time Queerbasher took a shower in the company of other men.

W.W.: NO ONE HAS PROVED ANYTHING YET, J.R. AND WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU EVEN SUGGESTING? THAT MY SON IS A LITTLE INSECURE? You know what, THAT P/C LIBERAL BULLSHIT ABOUT HATING QUEERS MAKING YOU QUEERS IS JUST THAT, BULLSHIT. You know what? MY SON WOULD GO IN A RAGE WHENEVER a BUGS BUNNY CARTOON WOULD COME ON and DROPKICK THE FUCKING TV. That’s just a sign of HOW heterosexual he was! No one wants to see anthropomorphic male animals KISSING MEN. FUCK BUGS BUNNY. IF HE TRIED TO KISS ME, I’D GOUGE HIS EYES AND STICK HIS EARS IN THE SOCKETS, PULL THEM OUT THROUGH HIS MOUTH UNTIL HIS HEAD IMPLODED! FUCK!

J.R.: Well. Let’s check on our other competitors!

W.W.: Fuck …

IMPIOUS IS SLAMMED into the SIDE OF THE METAL DICK as JACK DANIELS’ ARM, ABADDON, UNLEASHES A STORM OF TENTACLES THAT PULVERIZE THE GERMANIC GRAPPLER. IMPIOUS BITES HIS FUCKING TEETH INTO THE TENTACLES AND PULLS JACK IN, SLAMMING HIM INTO THE STEEL.

"It's a good thing that Abadon came outta nowhere and re-attached himself to my arm," Daniels mutters, spinning the black demon arm in a circle, "I can remember like it was ten minutes ago, 'cause it was."

DANIELS FLASHES BACK TO TEN MINUTES AGO. He's standing at the base of the mountain. Then the black monster Abadon flies out of nowhere and attaches himself to Jack Daniels arm.

"Well I'll be ..."

"Yes, that's how it happened," DANIELS says, back in PRESENT TIME, "Anyway, let's fight!"

J.R.: No love lost between these two!

DANIELS gets IMPIOUS’ HAND SHOVED down HIS THROAT as IMPIOUS BEGINS WAILING ON HIS FACE. Daniel KICKS HIM OFF, knocking IMPIOUS nearly off the edge of the platform. DANIELS ENCASES HIM IN TENDRILS USING HIS DEMON ARM and GRITS HIS TEETH. Suddenly, BLACK VOLTS OF ENERGY, DANIELS’ DEATHMETALTRICITY, BEGIN TO SHOCK THE SHIT OUT OF IMPIOUS.

“Try dis on fer size!” DANIELS SAYS AS HE FRIES IMPIOUS.

J.R.: It isn’t an FTUW match unless someone’s shooting electricity, apparently.

AS IMPIOUS SKIN BEGINS TO BURN AND BLOOD BEGINS TO SEEP OUT OF HIS MOUTH AND EARS, HE MERELY POWERS THROUGH THAT WITH RAGE. THE TENDRILS EXPLODE, DOUSING IMPIOUS IN BLOOD, AND THE FORMER PRICK SLAMS HIS BIG, BALD HEAD STRAIGHT INTO DANIELS’ FACE.

J.R.: Bah Gawd! Impious is beating him like a GOVERNMENT MULE! What do you think his chances are, Warrior?

W.W.: Why do you ask me that fucking question when you know what I’m going to say?

J.R.: Just making conversation.

Impious SLUGS IT OUT, CRUSHING DANIELS RIBS WITH TITANTIC HOOKS. The TWO BURLY MEN BEGIN TO GRAPPLE, DIGGING their FINGERS into each other’s SHOULDERS to gain as much leverage as possible. As expected, DANIELS’ TENTACLES SPROUT FORTH and WRAP AROUND IMPIOUS’ ARM. INSTEAD OF JUST WRAPPING, THEY BEGIN TO DIG IN HIS FLESH AND TRAVEL UP PAST HIS BICEP.

“Kck … kck …” IMPIOUS SAYS as THE TENDRILS start heading for his VITAL ORGANS.

“They’se in too deep tah just tah tear out now y’know,” Daniels smirks as they MAINTAIN THEIR UNFLINCHING GRAPPLE, “Cause internal hemorrhaging, I reckon, heh heh. So, what are ya last thoughts?”

“I’m wondering how a guy can pronounce ‘internal hemorrhaging’ but can’t manage ‘they are’,” Impious replies, the dick. JACK DANIELS GETS PISSED and CONTINUES PUSHING THE BLACK TENDRILS FURTHER, DIGGING TOWARDS IMPIOUS’ LUNGS AND HEART. Impious QUICKLY JAMS HIS BOOT INTO DANIELS’ KNEE, ATTEMPTING TO BREAK IT, but JACK REMAINS STEADFAST, determined to just tear IMPIOUS’ NECK OUT and be done with it.

“Yer gonna have to try harder than that!” JACK SAYS. IMPIOUS KEEPS KICKING UNTIL BLOOD STARTS SQUIRTING. DANIELS STILL DOESN’T BUDGE.

J.R.: I’m really not sure what the hell’s goin’ on but I’m getting the feeling that if Impious doesn’t do something fast he’s gonna die!

THE TENDRILS CRAWL ACROSS IMPIOUS’ CHEST AND REACH HIS STERNUM AS HE CONTINUES BASHING AT DANIELS’ KNEE. DANIELS’ IS SWEATING INTENSELY, HIS FACE GETTING A DARKER SHADE OF RED EVERY TIME IMPIOUS’ BOOT LANDS ON HIS LEG. AS IMPIOUS FEELS THE TENDRIL MOVING INTO THE CHEST CAVITY, HE FRANTICALLY DRIVES HIS LEG HARDER INTO DANIELS’ BASHED KNEE. HE DROPS ONE FINAL BOOT AND DANIELS BEGINS TO TILT.

“GUUUUH!” DANIELS SAYS AS HE BENDS SLIGHTLY TO THE RIGHT. Impious IMMEDIATELY RELEASES HIS ARM OFF OF DANIELS’ HUMAN SHOULDER and SPINS UPSIDE DOWN, TWISTING HIS GOOD ARM. AS HE MOVES BEHIND HIM, THE TENDRILS BEGIN TEARING AT HIS INSIDES AS THEY ARE BEING DRAGGED OUT. TO AVOID BLEEDING TO DEATH, IMPIOUS GRIPS THEM TIGHTLY WITH HIS FREE HAND. Now that he’s BEHIND THEM DANIELS, HE BEGINS SLAMMING THE BACK OF HIS HEAD INTO DANIELS’ SKULL while MAINTAINING A TIGHT GRIP ON ABADDON’S TWISTED ARM AND THE TENDRILS.

“Take them out or you are going to lose an arm,” Impious tells Daniels. Daniels ATTEMPTS TO SWAT HIM with HIS FREE HAND but IMPIOUS DUCKS and RESPONDS with a REVERSE HEADBUTT.

“I’m telling you, dickhead, take them out,” IMPIOUS TELLS HIM.

“FUCK YOU!” DANIELS SCREAMS BACK. IMPIOUS TWISTS UNTIL THE ARM SNAPS, LEAVING A USELESS LIMB HANGING BEHIND DANIELS.

“GRAAAAAGH!!”

J.R.: BAH GAWD! BAH GAWD! HE JUST SNAPPED HIS ARM IN HAAAALF!!

W.W.: HOLY SHIT!

AS IMPIOUS TRIES TO STRUGGLE FREE, HE STILL FINDS THE TENDRILS ATTACK. DANIELS SPINS AROUND and STARTS KICKING THE SHIT OUT IMPIOUS, SLAMMING HIS FACE INTO HIS KNEE and DRIVING DRILLING BODY BLOWS INTO IMPIOUS’ FRAME. As IMPIOUS BUCKLES OVER and COUGHS UP SOME BLOOD, Daniels attempts to YANK OUT THE TENDRILS but ONLY MANAGES to YANK IMPIOUS FORWARD. Impious keeps A TIGHT-GRIP ON THE TENTACLES, EVEN WHEN DANIELS SWINGS HIM LIKE A BALL AND CHAIN INTO THE MOUNTAIN. One of the RANDOM PROTRUDING SPIKES on the SHAFT of FUCK MOUNTAIN PIERCES IMPIOUS’ SHOULDER.

“ASSHOOOOOLE!” DANIELS SCREAMS AS HE FLIES FORWARD.

“Actually …” Impious raises a FINGER IN PROTEST and GETS HIS FACE SMASHED IN. As ANOTHER PUNCH COMES BARRELING FORWARD, IMPIOUS SLIDES OUT OF THE WAY and AROUND DANIELS. QUICKLY, GRABBING THE TENDRILS WITH BOTH HANDS AND SLINGING THEM OVER HIS SHOULDER, HE RUNS AROUND HIS OPPONENT, TWISTING DANIELS’ BROKEN ARM EVEN FURTHER.

Impious HURLS DANIELS OVER HIS SHOULDER AND SLAMS HIM FACE FIRST into the ground. HE CLIMBS ON TOP AND PUTS A FOOT ON THE SHATTERED ARM. GRABBING THE TENTACLES, HE BEGINS STOMPING THE SHIT OUT OF THE FUCKING ARM AND PULLING UNTIL HE RIPS THE MOTHERFUCKER CLEAR OFF!!

“GRAAAAAAAAAAAGH!” DANIELS SCREAMS.

W.W.: HE RIPPED HIS FUCKING ARM OFF!

J.R.: BAH GAWD! JACK DANIELS SURE DOESN’T GOT A LOTTA LUCK WHEN IT COMES TO APPENDAGES!

“Stop being such a baby,” IMPIOUS SAYS as HE DRAGS THE NOW LIFELESS TENTACLES FROM HIS BODY. “I’m giving it back.” HE PUNTS THE SHIT OUT OF DANIELS and sends him rolling off the side of the PLATFORM, PLUMMETING TO HIS DOOM. As he falls, Impious drops the arm off along with it.

“Sayonara, shithead,” IMPIOUS SAYS as he digs his fingers into the steel, ready to CONTINUE THE CLIMB. AS HE REACHES UP, A FUCKING TENTACLE LASSOS AROUND IMPIOUS’ NECK, JERKING HIM DOWN VIOLENTLY TO THE PLATFORM. IMPIOUS TURNS HIS HEAD TO SEE DANIELS HANGING. His GOOD ARM IS GRIPPING ABADDON’S ARM, a few BLACK COILS of the DEVIL LIMB stretching out and REFUSING with, I guess, ABADDON’S SHOULDER.

Daniels BEGINS INCHING UP, THE TENTACLE PULLING HIM CLOSER AND CLOSER TO IMPIOUS WITH EACH STEP. IMPIOUS YANKS THE TENTACLE OFF HIS NECK AND ATTEMPTS TO DROP IT OVER THE EDGE. AS HE LETS GO, IT EXTENDS AND DRIVES ITSELF INTO HIS NECK, WRAPPING AROUND HIS CAROTID ARTERY AND YANKING IT OUT OF HIS GODDAMNED BODY.

W.W.: FUUUCK!!

J.R.: HE’S GOT HIM BY THE CAROTID ARTERY! IMPIOUS IS GOING TO BLEED TO DEATH IF THAT GETS TORN OUT!

W.W.: NO SHIT, JIM!

IMPIOUS CLENCHES ON THAT TENTACTLE FOR DEAR LIFE as THE ARTERY IS BEING YANKED OUT OF HIS NECK BUT HASN’T BEEN SNAPPED YET!

“A little more WEIGHT and yous BE DEAD,” JACK DANIEL SMILES as he uses the TENTACLE fastened around Impious’ carotid artery to SLOWLY pull himself towards the platform.

”D-Damn … “ Impious stutters as HIS HANDS BEGIN TO SLIP ON THE TENTACLE, HIS ARTERY STRETCHING DANGEROUSLY.

”FACE IT, IT’S OVER!” DANIELS SCREAMS. AS HE SAYS THAT, HE BEGINS TO DROP AS THE SLACK ON THE TENTACLE INCREASES. LOOKING UP, IMPIOUS IS FALLING TOWARDS HIM!

J.R.: HE JUMPED OFF THE MOUNTAIN AFTER HIM!

IMPIOUS YANKS THE TENTACLE UP, JERKING DANIELS TOWARDS HIM SO IMPIOUS CAN COLLIDE A FUCKING MAMMOTH RIGHT! DANIELS SPEWS BLOOD FROM HIS NOSE, MOUTH, AND EARS AS HIS BODY GOES RAGDOLL AND THE TWO PLUMMET DOWN THE MOUNTAIN! As THEY FALL, they CRASH THROUGH ONE OF THE FLYING ROBOT CAMERAS and the FEED CUTS.

W.W.: MOTHERFUCKER.

J.R.: Well, folks, it seems like we are experiencing some technical difficulties. We might as well check up on the other fight.

Handsomus R. Awesome crashes onto a platform, blood trailing from his mouth and nose.

W.W.: I gotta say I’m surprised to see Handsomus alive! Maybe Queerbasher is feeling merciful!

SUPER QUEERBASHER DESCENDS FROM THE SKY, LONG HARD POLE IN CLUTCHED BETWEEN HIS MITS. He COMES CRASHING DOWN, JABBING THE POLE INTO HANDSOMUS’ GODDAMNED CHEST. Handsomus SPITS UP SOME BLOOD and CLENCHES THE STEEL TIGHTLY, preventing the POLE from impaling him as QUEERBASHER BOUNCES UP AND DOWN ON THE POLE.

“QUEEEEEER!!” QUEERBASHER SAYS as he STANDS ON TOP OF THE POLE, THROWING HIS WEIGHT DOWN ON IT REPEATEDLY. HANDSOMUS PUSHES THE POLE UP AND ROLLS OUT FROM UNDER THE POLE BEFORE IT CRASHES DOWN AGAIN. As QUEERBASHER SITS PERCHED ON THE POLE, Handsomus LEAPS UP AND DROPKICKS HIM INTO THE SIDE OF THE MOUNTAIN!

J.R.: And a VICIOUS DROPKICK from Handsomus!

W.W.: GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER, SON! FUCK THAT SPACE QUEEN’S LIFE UP.

Queerbasher SLIDES UPSIDE-DOWN and HANGS FROM THE MOUNTAIN as HIS ANKLE IS PIERCED BY ONE OF THE SPIKES. HANDSOMUS FLIES FORWARD and DRIVES A KNEE INTO QUEERBASHER’S GUT, CAUSING HIM TO HURL HIS LUNCH ALL OVER THE SHAFT.

“Queeeeer …” QUEERBASHER falls from the SPIKE and FALLS FACE FIRST ONTO A PLATFORM. Handsomus GRABS HIM BY HIS NECK AND SLAMS and ELBOW INTO HIS SKULL.

”Yeah, yeah, Queer, we got it,” HE SAYS, UPPERCUTTING HIM.

W.W.: WHAT THE- THIS! FUCK! THIS IS OBVIOUSLY CHEATING!

J.R.: CHEATING? HOW?

W.W.: FUCK YOU!

QUEERBASHER WEAKLY THROWS BODY BLOWS to HANDSOMUS R. AWESOME’S GUT but Handsomus RESPONDS with a VICIOUS HEEL KICK. Handsomus follows up and SLAMS HIM FACE FIRST INTO THE GROUND, grinding his SKULL INTO THE METAL. As BLOOD DRIBBLES from QUEERBASHER’S BROKEN FACE, HANDSOMUS LIFTS HIS BODY BACK UP and KICKS HIM INTO THE SIDE OF THE MOUNTAIN. Queerbasher weakly rolls down onto the platform, unmoving.

J.R.: I don’t think it’s looking too good for your boy, Warrior!

W.W.: EAT A FUCKING DICK, JIM, QUEERBASHER IS JUST SAVING HIS ENERGY. MY BOY AIN’T NO PUSSY TO JUST TAKE THIS SHIT LYING DOWN.

J.R.: Warrior, it’s not looking-

W.W.: HE AIN’T NO FUCKING QUEER!!

HANDSOMUS GRABS ONTO THE SHAFT and BEGINS PULLING HIMSELF UP TOWARDS THE PEAK. As soon as he gets a FEW FEET, HE FEELS A SHARP PAIN IN HIS BACK. HE TURNS AROUND to see the HALF-DESTROYED QUEERBASHER BEATING HIS SPINE WITH THE LONG, HARD POLE. AS THE METAL COLLIDES with his VERTEBRAE, HE LOSES HIS GRIP AND FALLS TO THE GROUND. While FALLING, QUEERBASHER CRACKS THE POLE OVER HIS HEAD and SENDS HIM SPILLING OFF THE PLATFORM.

W.W.: WHAT THE FUCK DID I TELL YOU?! GIVE ‘EM HELL, JUNIOR!

As HANDSOMUS clings to the SIDE, QUEERBASHER RAISES HIS POLE HIGH ABOVE HIS HEAD. HANDSOMUS slams a FIST ONTO QUEERBASHER’S BOOT, BREAKING HIS FOOT INSTANTLY.

“QUEEEER!!” QUEERBASHER HOWLS IN PAIN as HANDSOMUS LEAPS ONTO THE PLATFORM. As HANDSOMUS CHARGES FORWARD, QUEERBASHER DESPERATELY SWINGS HIS ROD AT AWESOME’S SKULL. AWESOME BLOCKS IT WITH HIS FOREARM, SHIFTS HIS BODY WEIGHT INTO HIS ARMS, AND EXECUTES THE ASTRAL SHOULDER!!

J.R.: ASTRAL SHOULDER! ASTRAL SHOULDER!

QUEERBASHER SPINS REPEATEDLY IN AIR AS HE FLIES TOWARDS THE SHAFT. AS HE CLOSES IN ON HIS IMPACT ZONE, HE OPENS HIS EYE TO SEE A SPIKE JUTTING FROM THE WALL, HEADING STRAIGHT FOR HIS FACE.

“Q-Queer?” QUEERBASHER MUTTERS. HE COLLIDES FACE FIRST WITH THE SPIKE, BLOOD SQUIRTING ACROSS THE MOUNTAIN ON IMPACT.

W.W.: SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!!

J.R.: HOLY FUCKING SHIT!! HANDSOMUS R. AWESOME HAS JUST KILLED QUEERBASHER!

Queerbasher’s body goes limp, his body hanging from the spike. Handsomus shakes his head, dusts off his outfit, and begins his ascent again.

J.R.: Warrior, I don’t know what to say.

W.W.: That … that …

J.R.: Now that this fight has concluded, let’s go check back on Jack Daniels Vs. Impious the Former Prick.

W.W.: Queeeer …

QUEERBASHER’S BODY BEGINS TO STIR AS HANDSOMUS CLIMBS THE SIDE OF FUCK MOUNTAIN. HE PULLS HIS FACE OFF THE SPIKE TO REVEAL THAT IT WAS IN HIS MOUTH ALL ALONG! Blood POURS FROM HIS MOUTH, HIS SHREDDED TONGUE STILL CLINGING TO STEEL SPIKE.

“Qlrrrrrr” Queerbasher says, DIGGING HIS TEETH INTO THE SPIKE.

W.W.: QUEER?

J.R.: BAH GAWD! BAH GAWD! HE’S ALIVE! Queerbasher JUST SWALLOWED THE SPIKE. WHAT AN AMAZING GAG REFLEX THAT SUPERSTAR MUST HAVE.

W.W.: Q-QUEEEER.

QUEERBASHER DILIGENTLY GNAWS ON THE SPIKE UNTIL IT BREAKS FREE FROM THE SHAFT.

J.R.: LOOK AT HOW HE’S WORKING THAT SPIKE. WHAT POWERFUL SUCK MUSCLES!

W.W.: QUEEEEEEEEEER.

QUEERBASHER FLIPS THE SPIKE and CATCHES IT AGAIN IN HIS MOUTH, POINTY-EDGE OUT. HE LOOKS UP AT HANDSOMUS, INHALES DEEPLY, AND SPITS OUT THE SPIKE LIKE A FUCKING BULLET!

J.R.: AND LOOK AT HIM BLOW! AMAZING!

W.W.: QUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRR!!

HANDSOMUS TURNS JUST IN TIME TO SEE THE SPIKE CLOSING IN ON HIS FACE. HE RAISES HIS HAND TO BLOCK IT BUT IT MERELY PIERCES HIS PALM AND BURIES ITSELF IN HIS FOREHEAD.

J.R.: BAH GAWD!! BAH GAWD!!

Handsomus GOES LIMP and FALLS FROM THE SIDE OF THE SHAFT, CRASHING ONTO THE PLATFORM IN FRONT OF THE BATTERED QUEERBASHER.

W.W: YEAAAAH!! FUCK EVERYBODY!

QUEERBASHER STARTS SCREAMING, JERKING HIS HEAD BACK AND FORTH AND SPILLING BLOOD EVERYWHERE, WHILE RAISING THE INCREASINGLY MORE DEFORMED POLE ABOVE HIS HEAD. HE SWINGS IT DOWN, AIMING TO DRIVE IT INTO THE SPIKE STUCK IN HANDSOMUS’ HEAD AND SPLIT HIS SKULL OPEN, BUT A GUITAR BLOCKS HIS ATTACK.

“I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS SHIT,” HANDSOMUS SAYS, STRIKING A CHORD THAT BLOWS QUEERBASHER INTO THE AIR.

J.R.: HANDSOMUS IS CONSCIOUS!

W.W.: GKNHLBKSGHN!!

HANDSOMUS YANKS THE SPIKE FROM HIS FOREHEAD, BLOOD SPILLING FROM THE WOUND, and tosses it away. LEAPING INTO THE AIR, HE SWATS QUEERBASHER INTO THE MOUNTAIN. As Queerbasher slides down the shaft, HANDSOMUS LEAPS FORWARD AND SWINGS HIS GUITAR. IT ONLY MEETS THE MOUNTAIN as QUEERBASHER SCRAMBLES AWAY. WITH HIS REMAINING STRENGTH, HE HURLS THE POLE LIKE A SPEAR AT HANDSOMUS. HANDSOMUS LEAPS OUT OF THE WAY and the POLE BURIES ITSELF INTO THE MOUNTAIN’S BIG VEIN.

J.R.: NOW QUEERBASHER IS WEAPONLESS! And Queerbasher isn’t Queerbasher without a rod in his hand!

W.W.: AKBNFDLAKJDGHBGNH!!

“GRAAAAAAAH!!” QUEERBASHER SCREAMS AS HE FLIES FORWARD, WEAPONLESS! AS HE CLOSES IN, HANDSOMUS SWINGS HIS GUITAR WHICH QUEERBASHER LEAPFROGS OVER. LANDING BEHIND HANDSOMUS, HE GRABS ONTO THE POLE AND HITS THE EXTENDING BUTTON. HOWEVER, NOTHING HAPPENS.

“Wrong side, dumbass,” Handsomus points his guitar at Queerbasher, “You threw the spear tipped side at me.”

“Queeeer …” Queerbasher replies, with a slight smirk. SUDDENLY, RUSHING THROUGH THE HOLLOW INSIDE OF THE LONG, HARD POLE IS FUCK MOUNTAIN’S ACID!

J.R.: QUEERBASHER TAPPED THE ACID INSIDE THE MOUNTAIN USING HIS LONG, HARD POLE!

“YEAAAAAH!” HANDSOMUS BEGINS ROCKING THE FUCK OUT ON STARSTRUCK, DEFLECTING THE GLOBULES OF ACID SOARING TOWARDS HIM. A FEW STRAY BITS MISS AND HIT HIS CLOTHING AND SKIN. ONE DROP HITS HIS FACE AND BURNS THROUGH HIS SKIN UNTIL REVEALING THE TIP OF HIS CHEEKBONE.

“QUEEEEEER!” QUEERBASHER SHOUTS, NEARLY HOPPING UP AND DOWN LIKE AN INBRED IDIOT AS THE ACID RUSHES THROUGH THE POLE. ALTHOUGH HANDSOMUS IS ABLE TO KEEP THE ACID AT BAY, THE DEFLECTED ACID IS COLLECTED ON THE PLATFORM AND SLOWLY BURNING THROUGH IT. SINCE HANDSOMUS IS STANDING AT THE VERY EDGE, SOON THE PLATFORM WILL BREAK AND HE’LL BE SENT PLUMMETING DOWN THE MOUNTAIN!

“HAHAHAHA!” QUEERBASHER HOLLERS, “QUEEEEER!”

W.W.: KILL HIM! KILL THAT FUCKING QUEER, BOY!

SUDDENLY, THE ACID STOPS SPURTING FROM THE TIP OF THE POLE but QUEERBASHER’S HILLBILLY JIG DOESN’T STOP.

J.R.: QUEERBASHER’S BRAIN HAS FAR RECEDED TOO FAR ITS’ PRIMITIVE, REDNECK STATE TO NOTICE THE ACID HAS STOPPED. BUT FOLKS, SOMETHING EVEN WORSE HAS HAPPENED!

W.W.: FUUUUCKKK …

“Hey buddy, you gotta problem,” Handsomus points. QUEERBASHER LOOKS UP TO SEE HIS HANDS ARE MERELY BONES, THE SKIN AND MUSCLE BURNED AWAY BY ACID!

W.W.: FUCK!!

J.R.: BAH GAWD!! BAH GAWD!! QUEERBASHER DIDN’T REALIZE THAT THE POLE’S METAL COULD HOLD OUT FOREVER. THE ACID BROKE THROUGH THE STEEL AND BURNED AWAY HIS HANDS!!

QUEERBASHER LETS GO AND CHARGES FRANTICALLY TOWARDS HANDSOMUS, SCREAMING QUEER LIKE HE’S BEEN DOING FOR THE PAST TWENTY MINUTES. AS HE COMES IN, HANDSOMUS UPPERCUTS STRAIGHT INTO THE AIR WITH HIS GUITAR.

”SEE YOU IN HELL!” HANDSOMUS SHOUTS. AS QUEERBASHER DESCENDS, HE LANDS ASS FIRST ON THE NECK OF STARSTRUCK!

W.W.: GAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!

“LISTEN TO THIS GOOD SHIT!” HANDSOMUS SCREAMS AS HE BUSTS OUT A GUITAR SOLO! QUEERBASHER STARTS SCREAMING AS THE ROCKING MUSIC FLIES UP HIS ASS AND INTO HIS COLON.

J.R.: BAH GAWD!! HE’S ROCKING THE SHIT OUT OF QUEERBASHER’S ASS!

“OOOOOOOHH!” HANDSOMUS SHOUTS AS HE RUNS HIS FINGERS UP AND DOWN THE NECK EXPERTLY. BLOOD STARTS TO DRIP FROM QUEERBASHER’S TEARDUCTS, NOSE, AND EARS AS THE POWERFUL SOUND WAVES FILLS HIS BODY.

“Q-Queeer …” Queerbasher says, tears of blood dripping down his cheeks as a slight smile curls on his face, REMINSCENT OF WHEN KRYSTOL SHOVED A POLE UP HIS ASS AND KILLED HIM (the first time). AS HANDSOMUS STRIKES ONE LAST NOTE, QUEERBASHER’S EYES EXPLODE AND HE ROCKETS OFF THE GUITAR, BLOOD GUSHING FROM HIS ASS. HIS BODY FALLS OFF THE SIDE OF THE MOUNTAIN, PLUMMETING PAST THE CLOUDS AND INTO THE NOTHINGNESS. Handsomus shakes his guitar clean and begins climbing up the mountain.

J.R.: OK, NOW Queerbasher is DEAD.

Warrior Warrior merely stands up from his seat on TOITY II, takes off his headset, and leaves.

J.R.: Warrior? Warrior, where are you going? It seems Warrior, uh, has something to attend to. Let’s see if we can find another commentator to finish this Pay-Per-View off? Hey, guys.

A VOICE COMES OVER THE INTERCOM.

Cole.: Jim?

J.R.: Cole! Warrior had to leave after he watched his son die a brutal and quasi-sexual death so can you come up and take over for us?

Cole.: I can’t move right now. After my shift was over, Jesse Ventura forced me to arm wrestle him until he broke my arm in three places. I can’t really find the strength to stand.

J.R.: So, what about Marv Albert or Joey Styles or any of those guys?

Cole: They, uh, they either got their arms broken, too, or ran away.

SUDDENLY, THE DOOR TO THE COMMENTATING BOOTH FLIES OFF THE HINGES. JESSE VENTURA STRUTS IN, A BOA DRAPED OVER HIS SUIT, DRAGGING JUNIOR BRUCE JR. BY HIS MANGLED ARM.

Ventura: I GOT THIS SHIT, J.R.!

J.R.: Welcome aboard, Mr. Ventura!

Ventura: Glad to be here! Now, let’s get back to the murder!

J.R.: Can do! In fact, it seems someone has MADE IT TO THE TOP.

The camera focuses on HANDSOMUS R. AWESOME as he pulls himself onto the HEAD OF FUCK MOUNTAIN II. Dragging his bruised and bloody body to a standing position, he wipes the bodily fluids from his brow and takes a step forward. Already standing there, waiting, READY, is GUAN FEI. He stands there with Killing the Dragon in hand, his RAVEN BEARD blowing MANLY in the CHILLING WINDS. His single eye GLOWS, the MOON ECLIPSING THE EARTH HOVERING OMINOUSLY BEHIND HIM.

“So you’re the first to make it here, Handsomus R. Awesome,” Guan Fei strokes his beard as a grin forms on his face, “You don’t look so well.”

“I’m more than able to kill you, Guan Fei,” Handsomus says, drawing his guitar off his back.

“We’ll see about that! HAVE AT YOU!” GUAN FEI SHOUTS, CHARGING FORWARD.

J.R.: THIS IS IT, FOLKS! NOW THAT HANDSOMUS R. AWESOME HAS REACHED THE SUMMIT, ONCE THERE IS ONLY ONE MAN LEFT STANDING ON THE HEAD THEY WILL BE DECLARED FTUW CHAMPION!

HANDSOMUS CHARGES FORWARD, DRAGGING HIS GUITAR ALONG THE GROUND. AS THE TWO MOVE INTO RANGE, THE SOUND OF A BOOT STEPPING ONTO THE TIP OF THE MOUNTAIN STOPS THE TWO COMBATANTS. They instantly DART THEIR HEADS TO THE NEWCOMER.

Ventura: ANOTHER ONE! IS IT IMPIOUS? DANIELS?

A shadowy figure slowly climbs the tip towards Handsomus R. Awesome and Guan Fei.

J.R.: For Handsomus’ sake, he better hope its Impious! If Daniels is here, those two Musclepotamia members will tear him apart!

Ventura: Are you SUGGESTING they’ll double team Handsomus just because they are in the same group?

J.R.: Yeah, no shit.

Ventura: They have the warrior’s spirit, J.R.! They want a fair fight more than anybody.

J.R.: Please.

Ventura: They wouldn’t deprive themselves of INTENSE COMBAT just to keep some belt!

“Daniels?” Guan Fei asks cautiously. The figure steps into the LIGHT to reveal that he is none other than JACK DANIELS. Handsomus edges away upon seeing the blood-stained body of Daniels moving forward. Guan Fei begins to chuckle while stroking his beard.

J.R.: DANIELS! Daniels has made it to the top! Oh boy.

“Let’s finish this,” GUAN FEI TURNS TO HANDSOMUS, aiming KILLING THE DRAGON at HIS NECK. As Handsomus prepares to take on these two opponents, JACK DANIELS SUDDENLY FALLS FORWARD, LIFELESS.

“Jack?” Guan Fei asks. SUDDENLY, IMPIOUS THE GODDAMNED PRICK STEPS OUT FROM BEHIND HIM. A GLOWING GRIN IS PLASTERED ON HIS FACE, BOTH HIS AND DANIELS’ BLOOD COVERING NEARLY EVERY INCH OF HIS BODY.

“Your friend has a problem,” Impious smiles, “He’s dead.”
Yogurtman
Odin
Joined: 03 Jan 2007
Posts: 2248
(Fri Feb 23, 2007 1:41 am)
Reply

Post     Re: FTUW'S KING SHIT OF FUCK PLANET (#18)

Ventura: NO WAY! JACK DANIELS … DEAD?

J.R.: IMPIOUS HAS APPEARED ON THE SUMMIT, DRAGGING THE BODY OF JACK DANIELS WITH HIM. NOW IT’S A TRIPLE THREAT. ONE VERSUS ONE VERSUS ONE FOR THE TITLE!

As Handsomus R. Awesome and Guan Fei stand there AWESTRUCK, Impious PUNTS Daniels in the ribs and sends his corpse careening off the edge. The Former Prick begins stretching and popping his joints. His body is littered with bruises and cuts from the previous fight with Jack Daniels.

”You killed Jack Daniels?” Guan Fei asks. He strokes his beard and a smile curls on his lips. “You must be strong, then. To be honest, I’ve been waiting for a good challenge for awhile now.”

J.R.: Three men! One belt! Who will leave Fuck Planet with the FTUW Championship around his waist?!

ELSEWHERE ON THE ISLAND, BUNZO SITS IN A TREE, HIS HANDS OVER HIS HEAD. BELOW HIM ARE RHINOCERWOLVES, WOLVES WITH GIANT RHINOCEROUS HORNS JUTTING FROM THEIR FACES AS PART OF TOITY’S GENE MANIPULATION. They SNIFF THE AIR, LOOKING FOR THEIR TARGET, a JAPANESE COWARD. Bunzo shitting his pants isn’t making him less conspicuous.

“What the hell was I thinking?!” Bunzo thinks to himself, “I should have never came here! These FTUW guys are real scary! Why would anyone want to fight in a place like this?!”

BUNZO LOOKS DOWN TO SEE A RHINOCERWOLF CLIMBING UP THE TREE.

“AAAAAH! OH SHIT!” BUNZO SCREAMS AS THE WOLF RUNS UP THE TREE. BUNZO CLOSES HIS EYES AND HEARS A LOUD BANG. HE OPENS HIS EYES TO SEE THE WOLF CRUSHED BY A MASSIVE LOCKER. “Ah, you gotta be kidding …”

MHH LEANS ON A TREE, HIS TWO ASIAN SLUTS PAWING AT HIS CROTCH, AS HE MANIPULATES THE LOCKERS AND KILLS THE RHINOCERWOLVES. After they’re dead, BUNZO HOPS OUT OF THE TREE and GRABS MHH BY HIS COLLAR.

”Ey! What the think you are doing?!” Bunzo shouts, “I didn’t ask for your help! You trying to make me look like a pussy!”

MHH swats Bunzo’s hands away.

“You’re not going to get any thanks from me, if that’s what you’re after, bastard,” Bunzo says shoving his fists into his pockets grumpily, “So, what the hell is going here?” After Bunzo doesn’t hear a reply for a few seconds, he turns his head back to MHH who is pointing. He follows his finger until IT LEADS HIS EYES to THE ECLIPSE. Bunzo gawks at the sight. As he stares at the moon eclipsing the Earth, he feels a strange stirring in his blood.

”Something’s wrong …”

“With Daniels dead, that leaves only you before Musclepotamia is wiped out of existence,” Handsomus says stepping forward, his guitar slung over his shoulder. “Of course, Bin Destruction is immortal, but we’ll forget about that.”

Ventura: I think we’re looking at the FINAL THREE, J.R.!

“Stop being so dramatic, fags,” Impious says as he steps forward.

“Ho ho ho! What’s a main event without drama!” Guan Fei says, stepping forward. They meet in the MIDDLE OF THE HEAD OF FUCK MOUNTAIN, STANDING SO CLOSE THAT ALL THEIR HEADS TOUCH.

J.R.: AND NOW THEY ARE STARING EACH OTHER DOWN! WHO WILL BE THE FIRST TO CRACK?!

Ventura: IT AIN’T GOING TO BE GUAN FEI, I’LL TELL YOU THAT MUCH! THE GUY’S GOT ONE FUCKING EYE, FOR CHRISSAKES! HE’S BATTLE SCARRED, HE CAN’T BE INTIMIDATED.

J.R.: But what about IMPIOUS? He’s COVERED IN SCARS! And Handsomus has been WALKING around nearly this whole PPV with an INCH DEEP SECTION of HIS CHEST BURNED AWAY! The fact that Impious and Handsomus are even at the TOP of FUCK MOUNTAIN is a TESTAMENT TO THEIR ENDURANCE AND WILLPOWER!

As the men stand there like STATUES, super manly ones at that, LIGHTNING ILLUMINATES THE SKY as a FOREBODING WIND BRUSHES BY.

“Do you feel that? That CHILL? It’s a feeling you only get on the battlefield,” Guan Fei smiles, “Although the objective is to be the only one standing on top of this peak, I can tell already this is a DEATH MATCH.”

Impious begins to chuckle. Handsomus turns his head and spits.

“Well then, what are we waiting for?” Handsomus takes a step back, his guitar still slung over his shoulder. “Let’s fucking murder each other.”

SLOWLY THE THREE BEGIN TO SEPARATE, KEEPING THEIR EYES LOCKED ON EACH OTHER, ONLY WAVERING TO DART TO THEIR OTHER OPPONENT. THE WIND PICKS UP AND THE LIGHTNING FLASHES AGAIN AS THE TWO KEEP EVERY SINGLE CELL OF THEIR BEINGS AT THE READY, THEIR MUSCLES PRIMED TO GIVE EVERYTHING THEY GOT TO MOVE AND KILL.

“I like where your head’s at,” Impious mutter.

“A stand off it is. Are you ready?” GUAN FEI SNEERS, HIS EYE GLOWING UNNATURALLY IN THE DIM LIGHT OF THE ECLIPSE.

“I’ve been ready for this my whole fucking life,” Handsomus says, DRAGGING HIS BOOT ALONG THE GROUND AND TAKING A WIDE STANCE.

IMPIOUS CAN FEEL THE ACHEFUL THROBBING OF THE MARK OF THE JOBBER BURNED INTO HIS CHEST. Is it lusting for blood too or does it PULSE because the BELT IS SO CLOSE?

GUAN FEI’S MALEVOLENT GRIN STRETCHES NEARLY EAR TO EAR. HANDSOMUS’ EXPRESSION IS EMOTIONLESS, HIS EYES HIDDEN BY HIS SUNGLASSES AND HIS GUITAR SLUNG NONCHALANTLY OVER HIS SHOULDER. IMPIOUS IS BATHED IN SHADOWS AND HUNCHED OVER, A HEAVY AURA COMING OFF OF HIS BODY.

Ventura: OH GOD, CAN YOU FEEL THE YEARN FOR EVISCERATION? THE NEED TO STAND UP TO YOUR ANKLES IN YOUR OPPONENT’S STILL-WARM ENTRAILS? TO WATCH THEIR FACE FROZEN IN AGONY AS LIFE SLOWLY LEAVES THEM. THEIR SKIN GROWING COLD AS THEIR LAST TEARS ROLL DOWN THEIR CHEEK, THEIR LIFE EXTINGUISHED IN A MISERABLE AND GRUESOME WAY. DEATH DEATH MURDER MURDER FUCK.

“Ready …” Handsomus mutters.

J.R.: THIS IS IT.

Ventura: MY DICK IS FUCKING HARD FOR THIS SHIT.

”Steady …”

The men’s fingers HOLD THEIR WEAPONS TIGHTLY, WHETHER IT BE SPEAR, GUITAR, OR YOUR MITTS. EVERYTHING IN THEIR BODY IS FINE TUNED FOR SOME FANTASTIC KILLING.

“GO!”

GUAN FEI FUCKING SWINGS KILLING THE DRAGON IN A HORIZONTAL ARC THAT IMPIOUS AND HANDSOMUS DODGE BY LEAPING INTO THE AIR. AS HANDSOMUS COMES CRASHING DOWN WITH STARSTRUCK, GUAN FEI MANAGES TO BLOCK THE BLOW WITH HIS SPEAR. IMPIOUS LANDS BEHIND HANDSOMUS AND PUTS HIM A HEADLOCK. GUAN FEI SWINGS HIS SPEAR UPWARD, SENDING HANDSOMUS AND IMPIOUS FLYING INTO THE AIR. GUAN FEI LEAPS UP WITH KILLING THE DRAGON IN TOW, SLASHING DOWN SO FUCKING HARD THE CLOUDS SPLIT. HANDSOMUS BREAKS OUT OF THE HOLD AND FLIPS BEHIND IMPIOUS, IN MID-GODDAMNED-AIR MIND YOU, AND CHOKES HIM WITH THE NECK OF THE GUITAR. AS THE SPEAR COMES DOWN, IMPIOUS CLASPS THE BLADE BETWEEN HIS PALMS SO IT DOESN’T SPLIT HIS SKULL. HOWEVER, IT CONNECTS EVER SO SLIGHTLY AND BLOOD BEGINS TO DRIBBLE DOWN FROM HIS FOREHEAD AND INTO HIS EYES. AS GUAN FEI CONTINUES MOVING FORWARD IN AIR, IMPIOUS MANEUVERS THE SPEAR AWAY FROM HIS SKULL AND INTO HANDSOMUS’ SHOULDER. AS THE SPEAR TEARS THROUGH AWESOME’S FLESH, IMPIOUS SLIPS OUT FROM BEHIND THE NECK AND PLACES HIS FEET ON HANDSOMUS’ STOMACH. THEN, COLLECTING ALL THE KINETIC ENERGY HE CAN IN HIS FUCKING LEGS, HE PROPELS HIMSELF OFF OF HANDSOMUS’ GUT IN *MID-AIR* AND FUCKING CLOTHESLINE GUAN FEI WITH THE STRENGTH OF A THIRTY BRADSHAWS!

J.R.: BAH GAWD!! THEY OBLITERATED EACH OTHER IN LIKE FUCKING THREE SECONDS.

Ventura: YEAH, FUCK YEAH. FUCK.

AS GUAN FEI FLOATS IN MID-AIR, UPSIDE DOWN FROM THE COLOSSAL CLOTHESLINE, AWESOME YANKS THE BLADE OF KILLING THE DRAGON FROM HIS SHOULDER. AS IMPIOUS LANDS, HANDSOMUS LANDS A SPLIT-SECOND LATER AND CHARGES FORWARD. AS HE COMES CLOSE, HANDSOMUS SHOUTS A WAR CRY AND SWINGS STARSTRUCK IN AN UPWARDS ARC. IMPIOUS, WITH THE LITTLE TIME HE HAD TO MANEUVER, STEPS OUT OF THE WAY OF HANDSOMUS’ WEAPON. HOWEVER, WHEN HE LOOKS UP AT STARSTUCK, HE NOTICES A BLADE JUTTING FROM THE SIDE. THE CUT FROM HIS STOMACH TO THE TOP OF HIS LEFT PEC CONFIRMS HE ACTIVATED ITS AXE MODE. AS HANDSOMUS BEGINS TO DROP THE AXE ONTO IMPIOUS’ SKULL TO SPLIT HIM IN HALF, KILLING THE DRAGON HITS THE GROUND BETWEEN THE TWO OPPONENTS. IMPIOUS LOOKS UP TO BE DROPKICKED IN THE FUCKING FACE BY GUAN FEI, WHO SPRINGBOARDS OFF THE PRICK’S UGLY MUT AND BACKFLIPS TOWARDS KILLING DRAGON. WHILE HANDSOMUS IS STILL SKIDDING BACKWARDS FROM DODGING THE SPEAR, GUAN FEI GRABS THE WEAPON WHILE FLIPPING AND SWINGS IT DOWN ONTO HANDSOMUS. AWESOME’S OTHER SHOULDER SQUIRTS BLOOD, HANDSOMUS’ BLOCKING WITH STARSTRUCK THE ONLY REASON STOPPING IT FROM CUTTING HIS ARM OFF. AS IMPIOUS KIPS TO HIS FEET, GUAN FEI AND HANDSOMUS HAVE ALREADY ENGAGED IN A FURIOUS BATTLE, METAL CLANGING METAL AS THEY BOTH DESPERATELY LOOKING FOR AN OPENING TO CAPITALIZE.

J.R.: BAH GAWD I THINK I’M HAVING ANOTHER STROKE.

VENTURA REACHES OVER, GRABS THE ARTERY IN JIM ROSS’ NECK, AND SQUEEZES, RETURNING THE BLOODFLOW TO J.R.’S BRAIN.

Ventura: WATCH THE FUCKING MATCH.

AS HANDSOMUS AND GUAN FEI CONTINUE BASH AWAY, IMPIOUS DARTS FORWARD. STARSTRUCK AND KILLING THE DRAGON COLLIDE AND REPEL, SENDING THE TWO STAGGERING BACK. BOTH HANDSOMUS AND GUAN FEI CATCH IMPIOUS AS HE LEAPS FORWARD. IMPIOUS’ HUGE ARMS CONNECTED JUST BELOW THEIR CHINS, SENDING THEM SPIRALING IN THE AIR FROM A VICIOUS DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE!

J.R.: BAH GAWD! IMPIOUS NEARLY TOOK THEIR HEADS OFF!

THE TWO CRASH ON OPPOSITE SIDES OF THE SUMMIT, THEIR WEAPONS LEAVING THEIR HANDS AND SLIDING DOWN THE PEAK. THEY BOTH ATTEMPT TO GRAB THEIR WEAPONS IN DESPERATION BUT COME SHORT. STARSTRUCK AND KILLING THE DRAGON FALL THROUGH THE CLOUDS AND VANISH, LEAVING GUAN FEI AND HANDSOMUS TO SETTLE THINGS WITH THEIR FISTS.

Ventura: Guan Fei doesn’t need a fucking spear to kill these assholes! Handsomus, however, is up shit creek without a paddle! Who fights with a fucking guitar, anyway?

HANDSOMUS SPRINGS TO HIS FEET and CHARGES IMPIOUS, CLOCKING HIM IN THE JAW WITH A RIGHT STRAIGHT. IMPIOUS MERELY STAGGERS. HANDSOMUS TREATS HIM WITH MORE GUTWRENCHING BODY BLOWS AND SLAMS A SINGLE AXE HANDLE ONTO THE BRIDGE OF HIS NECK. GUAN FEI KNEELS IN THE CORNER, coughing up BLOOD after his THROAT received two MAMMOTH CLOTHESLINES from IMPIOUS. Impious TACKLES HANDSOMUS and STRADDLES HIM, SLAMMING FIST AFTER FIST INTO HIS FACE. ONE OF HANDSOMUS’ HANDS BOLT UP AND HE JAMS A THUMB INTO THE HOLE DANIELS’ MADE IN IMPIOUS’ NECK. AS HANDSOMUS REACHES FOR HIS ARTERY, IMPIOUS DRIVES A POWERFUL FIST INTO HIS HEAD, KNOCKIKNG HANDSOMUS’ FACE INTO THE FUCKING METAL UNTIL A CRATER IS FORMED. HANDSOMUS HAND LOSES STRENGTH AND FALLS FROM HIS NECK AS BLOOD DRIPS FROM IMPIOUS’ WOUND.

Ventura: TAKE THAT, FUCKING PUSSY.

AS IMPIOUS PULLS HIS KNUCKLES, THE BONE PEAKING THROUGH THE FLESH FROM SO MUCH GODDAMNED PUNCHING, HE LIFTS HIS EYES TO SEE GUAN FEI FUCKING FLYING AT HIM! AS THE JADE SPEAR CLOSES IN, IMPIOUS BRIDGES BACKWARDS AND GUAN FEI FLIES OVERHEARD. IMPIOUS LEAPS TO A STANDING POSITION AS FEI HITS THE GROUND AND ROLLS. MOMENTARILY DAZED, GUAN FEI STANDS UP TO SEE IMPIOUS’ ARM NAILING HIM IN THE NECK!

J.R.: ANOTHER VIOLENT CLOTHESLINE FROM IMPIOUS! AND LOOK AT THE GODDAMNED BLOOD!

Ventura: YEAH, THERE’S BLOOD, BUT NOT GUAN FEI’S!

LEARNING FROM HIS MISTAKES, GUAN FEI EMPOWERED HIS BEARD WITH CHI, TURNING EACH FOLICLE INTO A NEEDLE. GUAN FEI FELT NOTHING AS IMPIOUS ESSENTIALLY CLOTHESLINED A CACTUS. HOWEVER, AS IMPIOUS TRIES TO PULL AWAY, THE BEARD WRAPS AROUND HIS ARM. GUAN FEI SWINGS HIS RETARDEDLY MUSCULAR NECK AND IMPIOUS IS AIRBORNE. REACHING THE PEAK OF THE SWING, IMPIOUS’ BREAKS FREE FROM THE BEARD, THE SKIN ON HIS ARM TORN THE FUCK OFF!

J.R.: BAH GAWD! BAH GAWD! GUAN FEI FUCKING SKINNED HIM ALIVE!

IMPIOUS SAILS OFF THE PEAK, HIS SHREDDED ARM SPRINKLING THE AIR WITH BLOOD. AS HE FALLS, HE DESPERATELY GRABS ONTO A SPIKE PROTRUDING FROM THE DICK, SAVING HIS LIFE.

GUAN FEI’S PREHENSILE BEARD WHIPS IN THE AIR, SPREADING THE HUNKS OF SKIN AND BLOOD FROM IMPIOUS’ ARM INTO THE AIR. Guan Fei darts his eyes to HANDSOMUS who is STAGGERING UP, a CRIMSON MASK BEHIND HIS AVIATOR SUNGLASSES.

J.R.: As Impious hangs onto the shaft of FUCK MOUNTAIN, Handsomus and Guan Fei square off!

Handsomus gently bangs on the side of his head, knocking loose some BLOOD FROM HIS EAR. Guan Fei WHIPS HIS BEARD and UNLEASHES A STORM OF HAIR NEEDLES. HANDSOMUS BLOCKS THE NEEDLE STORM. GUAN FEI LEAPS FORWARD and NAILS A FLYING DRAGON KICK INTO HANDSOMUS’ JAW. Handsomus SKIDS OUT OF CONTROL from the FORCE OF THE BLOW but MANAGES TO REMAIN STANDING. As Handsomus spits out a tooth, GUAN FEI DROPS DOWN AND BRINGS HIS FIST TO HIS SIDE. Handsomus looks down at his right hand, a thick heat distortion surrounding it.

“JADE ARROW!!” GUAN FEI SCREAMS as HE FLIES FORWARD, HIS FIST GUIDING HIS PATH. HANDSOMUS SWAYS TO THE RIGHT AND THE FIST DRAGS ACROSS HIS CHEST WOUND (CREATED DURING HIS MATCH WITH HANDSOMUS II), RE-OPENING IT AND SPRAYING BLOOD. Handsomus STUMBLES TO ONE KNEE while CLENCHING HIS CHEST.

J.R.: JADE ARROW! But Handsomus seems to have avoided most of the impact!

GUAN FEI RAISES HIS FIST TO HIS LIPS and LICKS THE BLOOD FROM HIS KNUCKLES.

“I won’t miss twice!” GUAN FEI SNEERS, DROPPING IMMEDIATELY TO ALL FOURS. RIDICULOUS NOISES EMIT FROM FEI’S CALVES AS HIS LEGS BEGIN STORING UP ENERGY. DUST EXPLODES FROM UNDER HIS SOLES AS HE ROCKETS FORWARD. “JADE ARROW!!” HE SCREAMS.

HANDSOMUS PULLS HIS HAND FROM HIS BLEEDING CHEST WOUND AND FLICKS THE BLOOD AT GUAN FEI. THE BLOOD SPLASHES ONTO GUAN FEI’S FACE AS HE ZOOMS IN, AND THEN EXPLODES, OBSCURING HIS VISION!

“He put … RAWKRA into that blood!” GUAN FEI MUTTERS AS HE FLIES BLINDLY TOWARDS HIS OPPONENT. WISPS OF RAWKRA CAN BE SEEN COMING OFF OF HANDSOMUS’ FIST. AS FEI CLOSES IN, HANDSOMUS SENDS HIS RAWKRA-INFUSED FIST DIRECTLY INTO FEI’S JAW WITH A VICIOUS UPPERCUT!

Ventura: NO WAY! HE COUNTERED IT!

GUAN FEI IS SENT BACKFLIPPING FROM THE BLOW, BLOOD TRAILING FROM HIS MOUTH. HE CRASHES DOWN HEADFIRST ONTO THE SUMMIT, HIS JAW BROKEN. Handsomus gazes down at his broken fist, torn open from the vicious attack. Guan Fei coughs up blood, his body too rocked to move.

“I took that time I spent buried in the mountain top to harness Rawkra into my hand,” Handsomus says, “I think I used too much … but I got the job done.”

SUDDENLY, GUAN FEI’S BEARD EXPLODES, THE FOLICLES OF HAIR BURSTING FROM HIS FACE BEFORE BEING CARRIED AWAY BY THE HEAVY WINDS.

“Or maybe not,” Handsomus says now looking at the clean-shaven Guan Fei laying in front of him, “If you didn’t focus your energy into your beard, I would have blown off your jaw.”

“You bastard …” Guan Fei replies. FEI’S EYE CATCHES SOMETHING BEHIND HANDSOMUS. A HAND DIGGING INTO THE STEEL HEAD OF FUCK MOUNTAIN. IMPIOUS THE FORMER PRICK DRAGS HIMSELF ONTO SUMMIT BEHIND HANDSOMUS. A grin forms on Fei’s face“You’ll get what you deserve.”

J.R.: IMPIOUS IS BACK!

AS IMPIOUS STEPS FORWARD, HANDSOMUS’ HEARS HIM AND SPINS AROUND TO SEE THE PRICK’S OPEN PALM FLYING TOWARDS HIM. HANDSOMUS’ LEFT LEG SKIDS BACK BUT THERE’S NO WAY HE CAN ESCAPE IN TIME. IMPIOUS’ MEATY MITT GRABS ONTO HANDSOMUS’ FACE.

“SACRILIGEOUS AWA-“ IMPIOUS SCREAMS BUT STOPS AS HANDSOMUS DUCKS! WITH HIS MOMENTUM CARRYING HIM, HIS ARM FLIES OVER HANDSOMUS’ SHOULDER AS HANDSOMUS CROUCHES DOWN.

”ASTRAL SHOULDER!!” HANDSOMUS CRIES, SLAMMING HIS ENTIRE WEIGHT INTO IMPIOUS FRAME. INSTANTLY, IMPIOUS IS SENT AIRBORNE, BLOOD SPILLING FROM HIS MOUTH AS HIS INSIDES HAVE GOTTEN ROCKED.

Ventura: THE ASTRAL SHOULDER NOW! HANDSOMUS’ IS CLEANING HOUSE.

AS IMPIOUS ONCE AGAIN IS SENT TOWARDS THE EDGE, HIS FEET TOUCH THE GROUND AND HE STARTS TO SKID. AS HE REACHES THE EDGE IMPIOUS FALLS FORWARD AND SLAMS HIS FINGERS INTO THE STEEL. HANDSOMUS’ UNSATISFIED EXPRESSION CONFIRMS THAT THE ASTRAL SHOULDER DIDN’T HIT CORRECTLY.

“Damn …” Handsomus falls to a knee, “I’m running out of energy.”

J.R.: HANDSOMUS COULD DO IT! HE COULD WIN THE BELT RIGHT HERE IF HE JUST TOSSES IMPIOUS AND GUAN FEI OFF THE MOUNTAIN.

Handsomus FORCES HIMSELF TO STAND and WALK TOWARDS THE FALLEN IMPIOUS. Impious’ GRIP ON THE MOUNTAIN BEGINS TO LOOSEN and HE STARTS TO SLIDE OFF THE SIDE. HE LOOKS UP TO SEE THE SPACE COWBOY STANDING OVER HIM, HIS BOOT LOWERING ONTO HIS HEAD.

“Nothing personal, but adios,” Handsomus mutters. SUDDENLY, HANDSOMUS IS LIFTED INTO THE AIR. HE BEGINS TO HOVER!

J.R.: WHAT IN THE HOLY HELL?!

Ventura: HE CAN FUCKING FLY, TOO?!

”What is this?” IMPIOUS SAYS SHOCKED AS HANDSOMUS IS NOW TEN FEET ABOVE THE MOUNTAIN.

“It … it can’t be!” Guan Fei says! LIGHTNING STRIKES, ILLUMINATING THE MOUNTAIN AND EXPOSING THE LONG, BLACK TENDRIL WRAPPED AROUND HANDSOMUS’ NECK.

”D-Damnit … I thought he was dead!” HANDSOMUS SAYS AS HE STRUGGLES WITH THE TENDRIL.

J.R.: IT’S … IT’S JACK DANIELS!!

Ventura: OH MY FUCKING STARS AND GARTERS!

THE CAMERA SWITCHES TO THE MANGLED BODY OF JACK DANIELS LYING ON A FEW SPIKES PROTRUDING FROM THE SIDE OF THE MOUNTAIN. SOME HE IS MERELY RESTING ON, OTHERS ARE JUTTING FROM HIS BODY. HIS EYES ARE BARELY OPEN AND HIS BODY IS DRIPPING BLOOD BUT HIS ARM OF THE ABADON STILL WORKS!

“Good job, Daniels,” Guan Fei grins, “Now with you on my side, I’ll win for sure.”

“I wasted too much energy,” Handsomus thinks as the TENDRIL STRANGLES HIM, “I can’t infuse my Rawkra into the tentacle and blow it to hell. I got nothing left.”

“It’s you … isn’t it … you bastard …” Daniels weakly mutters, “I can tell … by your blood … Handsomus. Die you motherfucker …”

J.R.: AND THE TENTACLE CONTINUES TO RAISE HANDSOMUS HIGHER INTO THE AIR, STRANGLING THE LIFE OUT OF HIM!

“You fool … this what you get for messing with Musclepotamia!” Guan Fei chuckles as he lies on the ground.

“I can’t break free … the blades are digging into my throat,” Handsomus mutters as blood begins to cascade down his neck.

“Damn it all …”

HANDSOMUS R. AWESOME’S THROAT EXPLODES IN BLOOD AS JACK DANIELS’ ARM TEARS HIS THROAT THE MOTHERFUCKING FUCK OUT! HIS AVIATOR SUNGLASSES FALL FROM HIS EYES AND DROP ONTO THE SUMMIT OF FUCK MOUNTAIN. Blood begins pouring from his mouth and nostrils, his eyes are lifeless.

Handsomus R. Awesome is dead.

Again.

ROBERT MCCOY BOUNCES ON HIS SPRINGS THROUGH A FIELD IN FUCK PLANET AS A BULL CHASES AFTER HIM, HIS HORNS REPLACED WITH CHAINSAWS.

“Damn, someone should have told me Tae Kwon Do doesn’t work on chainsaw bulls!” he says as HE FRANTICALLY HOPES AWAY. HE LEAPS FORWARD WITH ALL HIS MIGHT AND SLAMS INTO A TREE. McCoy weakly raises his head to the MONSTER BARRELING TOWARDS HIM. SUDDENLY, BLOOD SQUIRTS FROM THE BULL’S MOUTH AND NOSE AND CRASHES INTO THE GROUND. Smoke RISES UP FROM THE CHAINSAW BULL’S BODY and FORMS INTO NONE OTHER THAN PUFF RYDER!

“P-Puff Ryder?!” McCoy says as RASHEED YOUNG appears before him.

“Something weird is happening,” Ryder says as he tokes on his Omni-Bong, “I am a black person who constantly smokes weed so I may be a little paranoid but something isn’t right. We need to get off this planet and fast.”

J.R.: BAH GAWD!! BAAAH GAWD!!! HANDSOMUS IS FUCKING DEAD!!

AS HANDSOMUS’ EYES ROLL INTO THE BACK OF HIS HEAD, DANIELS’ ARM TOSSES HIS CORPSE OVER THE EDGE, PLUMMETING INTO THE ABYSS.

J.R.: I can’t believe it … Handsomus is dead … Jack Daniels’ arm tore his THROAT OUT!

Ventura: I can’t believe you can’t believe this. HISTORY IS REPEATING ITSELF. One year ago, at KING SHIT OF FUCK MOUNTAIN, Theldorrin killed Handsomus. Now Daniels has done it. Face it; the guy doesn’t have much of a lifespan. Unfortunately for our space-faring friend, throwing a spear at a space station ain’t gonna fix this one!

“Ha ha ha ha!” GUAN FEI LAUGHS HEARTILY as he struggles to his feet. Although his jaw is so bruised that it hurts to laugh, the pain can’t STYMIE HIS CACKLING, “I’ve had enough of that irritating little shit!”

GUAN FEI BRINGS HIS HAND TO HIS BALD CHIN and POPS HIS JAW INTO PLACE. He turns to the battered and broken Impious, his sternum cracked from Handsomus’ vicious Astral Shoulder.

“I know you’re glad, too,” Guan Fei points to Impious, “So get up and fight. Let’s enjoy this.”

IMPIOUS STRUGGLES TO PULL HIMSELF BACK ONTO THE TIP BUT CAN’T MANAGE. GUAN FEI SMIRKS.

“I’m feeling in a good mood,” Guan Fei smiles, “Maybe I’ll just kick you off this mountain.”

AS HE FINISHES HIS SENTENCE, DANIELS’ BLACK TENTACLE WRAPS AROUND GUAN FEI’S NECK AND TRAVELS UP HIS CHIN. AFTER RUNNING ALONG HIS FACE, IT SUDDENLY AND VIOLENTLY JAMS ITSELF INTO GUAN FEI’S FUCKING NECK!

“W-WHAT?!” GUAN FEI CLENCHES HIS TEETH AS THE TENTACLE TRAVELS UP HIS NECK.

J.R.: BAH GAWD! DANIELS HAS JUST BETRAYED HIS PARTNER!

IMPIOUS WATCHES IN SHOCK AS GUAN FEI STUMBLES AROUND, BLOOD DRIPPING FROM THE WOUND.

“YOU IDIOT!” GUAN FEI SCREAMS, “YOU GOT THE WRONG PERSON!”

ON THE SIDE OF THE MOUNTAIN, DANIELS CONTINUES MANIPULATING THE ARM WHILE SLOWLY DYING IN A NEST OF METAL SPIKES.

“I need blood … it’s the only way I can heal my wounds,” Daniels thinks to himself, “This guy … Impious, I’ll drain his blood. I can feel … his chin and there’s not a hair … on it … it can’t be Guan Fei …”

“Moron …” GUAN FEI SAYS AS HE STRUGGLES TO KEEP THE TENDRIL FROM DIGGING FURTHER, “YOU BETTER NOT KILL ME!”

Ventura: WHY! WHY GOD DOES MUSCLEPOTAMIA HAVE TO COME TO BLOWS! First Bin Destruction and Jack Daniels, now Daniels and Guan Fei! That Daniels is a bad seed!

J.R.: If Daniels kills GUAN FEI, Impious will become the NEW FTUW CHAMPION!

“This blood … once I suck Impious dry I can … climb to the top and get my belt,” Daniels thinks, “Handsomus’ blood … was no good …. Damn space blood …”

IMPIOUS FINALLY MANAGES THE STRENGTH TO PULL HIMSELF ONTO THE HEAD. HE ATTEMPTS TO STAND BUT QUICKLY BUCKLES UNDER HIS OWN WEIGHT. IMPIOUS CAN’T QUITE SHAKE OFF THE DAMAGE HE’S SUSTAINED.

“Incompetent … little … shit!” GUAN FEI SAYS, YANKING THE TENDRIL FROM HIS NECK. FEI’S NECK SPURTS A LITTLE BLOOD BUT DANIELS COULDN’T MANAGE TO DAMAGE ANYTHING IMPORTANT. AS THE TENTACLE TRIES TO LUNGE FORWARD LIKE A COBRA, GUAN FEI BRINGS THE TENDRIL TO EYE LEVEL AND RELEASES HIS GRIP. ABADON JAMS HIMSELF INTO GUAN FEI’S EYE SOCKET … AND STOPS!

“YOU REALIZE NOW, DON’T YOU?!” FEI SCREAMS. THE TENTACLE RETRACTS AND SLITHERS BACK ONTO THE STEEL.

“Impious and … Fei ... must have similar … body weights,” Daniels thinks “Damn. I forgot I put a hole in his neck, I could’ve … just checked for that.”

Daniels begins to feel like he’s drifting off. His eyes slowly close, his body lacking the strength to stay conscious, but he forces himself to remain awake for a few minutes. “I need to get … some blood fast …” he recites in his head, “or I’m going to die.”

J.R.: What the hell is going on?! IT SEEMS DANIELS had BETRAYED Guan Fei … but he stopped! Was it a mistake?

Ventura: THE BLOOD IN MUSCLEPOTAMIA’S ENLARGED VEINS, STRETCHED TIGHTLY OVER THEIR BULGING BICEPS, is INDEED THICKER than GAY PUSSY WATER.

Impious EYES the tentacle as it slithers on the ground.

“He can’t see with that tentacle,” Impious thinks to himself, “Only feel. The fact that it hasn’t already went after me tells me he can sense vibrations through it. Every step I take on this metal mountain will alert him to my presence.”

IMPIOUS TURNS HIS GAZE TO THE PISSED OFF LOOKING GUAN FEI.

”I can’t fight them both off. I have to confuse Daniels,” Impious mutters. INSTANTLY, HE SPRINGS HIGH INTO THE AIR, the tentacle slithering along the ground to where Impious once stood. IMPIOUS DESCENDS ONTO GUAN FEI’S SHOULDERS and DROPS DOUBLE ELBOWS ONTO HIS SKULLS. As Guan Fei hits the ground, IMPIOUS DOESN’T WASTE TIME and GRABS HIM BY THE WAIST. As the TENTACLE RACES TOWARD HIM, HE LEAPS INTO THE AIR.

J.R.: What’s IMPIOUS DOING?! A FLYING GERMAN SUPLEX?!

Guan FEI BLASTS him in the SIDE OF THE SKULL with an ELBOW and IMPIOUS RELEASES HIS HOLD, much to Fei’s surprise. The two begin to DESCEND and LAND SIMULTANEOUSLY on the SUMMIT. Daniels’ tendril pauses between the two.

“Pft! To think a simple-minded brute like you would try to OUTWRESTLE the MINISTER OF BEARDS!” FEI SNEERS. His FOOT SLIDES across the GROUND and HE TAKES A KUNG FU STANCE. Matching his every movement, Impious matches the same stance.

Ventura: What the fuck? IMPIOUS KNOWS KARATE?

J.R.: This is very odd! For a fighter that is content to just to bash his opponents into submission, using a style like that is quite a change! It’s the same stance as Fei’s, even! Is Impious mocking Guan Fei?

“Arrogant little …” Guan Fei bares his teeth, “Very well, then!”

THE TWO LEAP FORWARD and EXCHANGE RAPID-FIRE BLOWS. As they separate, Guan Fei slips into MONKEY KUNG FU which Impious attempts to mimic. THE TENDRIL STAYS IN THE CENTER, MOTIONLESS.

J.R.: I see! Wherever Daniels is, he can’t see who he’s attacking! He must be trying to figure out who is who by the way they move! Amazing!

“He’s figured me out … that prick,” Daniels thinks to himself, “This is bad …. If I don’t get blood soon … I’ll …”

In the center, the two continue to exchange vicious BLOWS while Impious attempts to maintain the same style as his opponent. As IMPIOUS DRIVES HIS KNEE INTO FEI’S GUT, KITCHEN SINKING HIM, he begins to understand the situation.

“So that’s how it is …” Guan Fei says, wiping the blood from his lips and taking a WIDE STANCE, his right foot behind him. Like a mirror, Impious matches it almost instantaneously. Unbeknownst to IMPIOUS, however, GUAN FEI is slowly sliding his right SANDAL OFF his FOOT. While the two GLARE the SHIT OUT OF EACH OTHER, Guan Fei’s muscular BIG TOE begins to rapidly slam against the metal. The tapping happens quickly, pausing for a second, and continues.

“What the …” Daniels says, “This is … !”

The slight tapping penetrates IMPIOUS HIGHLY-SENSITIVE EARS (from pretending to be blind for months) and he instantly recognizes it for what it is.

“MORSE CODE!” IMPIOUS THINKS. IMMEDIATELY HE LEAPS FORWARD AND CHARGES AT GUAN FEI. GUAN FEI SMIRKS AND FINISHES HIS MESSAGE.

”It’s too late,” Guan Fei mutters. AS IMPIOUS DRIVES A SKINNED AWAY FIST INTO GUAN FEI’S FUCKING FACE, THE TENDRIL JAMS ITSELF INTO HIS SHOULDER AND HEADS FOR HIS NECK. Guan Fei somersaults backward and crash lands on his face but IT’S TOO LATE.

“DAMN IT ALL …” IMPIOUS GRABS THE TENTACLE, ATTEMPTING TO SLOW IT FROM TEARING HIS GODDAMNED ARTERY OUT.

J.R.: The tendril is GOT HIM! BAH GAWD! He may be joining Handsomus R. Awesome soon!

Ventura: PRAISE THE LORD!

As Guan Fei lies in a pool of his own blood, bubbles float up to the surface as a muffled noise rises out of the crimson. FEI LIFTS HIS CRUSHED FACE AND CONTINUES HIS UNWAVERING LAUGH. HE CONTINUES HIS MAD CACKLE OF VICTORY AS THE TENDRIL DIGS DEEPER INTO IMPIOUS’ BODY!

“I gotta do something …” Impious thinks to himself. THEN IT DAWNS ON HIM.

”THIS .. IS … GUAN FEI … YOU … IDIOT!” HE TAPS IN MORSE CODE!

“Whaaat?!” Daniels says, “There’s … no way … !”

J.R.: AND GUAN FEI IS AWAKE! WILL HE AND DANIELS FINISH IMPIOUS ONCE AND FOR ALL?!

“Ha ha ha ha ha! HA HA HA HA!” GUAN FEI LAUGHS, SLIPPING AND SLOSHING IN HIS OWN BLOOD. HE STANDS UP BUT HIS KNEES BUCKLE. “ONLY A FEW MORE SECONDS LEFT NOW! ENJOY YOUR LAST MOMENTS ON FUCK PLANET, IMPIOUS!”

“It can’t it can’t it can’t!” DANIELS SAYS FRIGHTFULLY, “It can’t be … it’s gotta be a trick ... but I needs blood now or I’m gonna die!”

“LET … GO … BEFORE … YOU … KILL … ME!” THE MESSAGE COMES LOUD AND CLEAR THROUGH HIS TENTACLE.

“Damn it damn it daaaamn it!” DANIELS MUTTERS before his EYES LIGHT UP WITH AN IDEA! “I KNOW!”

THE TENTACLE SLIDES OUT OF HIS NECK AND UP HIS CHIN, CRAWLING ALONG HIS FACE.

“MUSCLEPOTAMIA … FOREVER!” GUAN FEI HOWLS.

J.R.: BAH GAWD, I CAN’T WATCH IT.

“What … what is he?” IMPIOUS WONDERS AS THE TENTACLE SLIDES UP HIS FACE.

“I can’t tell … just by his beard since Guan Fei lost his … or the neck hole I made earlier since I made one on Fei, too …” Daniels thinks to himself, “But there’s one thing … that won’t change …”

THE TENTACLE CONTINUES UPWARDS AS A COLD SHIVER RUNS DOWN HIS SPINE AS HE REALIZES THE TRUTH.

“Fucking shit,” IMPIOUS CHOKES OUT. THEN HE RIPS OUT HIS OWN MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMNED EYE!!

J.R.: BAHAAOGN DSKGN!!

Ventura: WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK FUCK?!

THE TENTACLE SLIDES INTO HIS EMPTY EYE SOCKET AND IMMEDIATELY RETRACTS. AS GUAN FEI LAUGHS HIS FUCKING HEAD OFF, THE TENTACLE SLAMS INTO HIS THROAT.

J.R.: HE TRICKED HIM! IMPIOUS TRICKED DANIELS, BAH GAWD!!

“Whaaaaat?!” GUAN FEI SLUMPS DOWN ONTO THE GROUND as THE TENTACLE PULSES. THE (YELLOW) COLOR WASHES AWAY FROM GUAN FEI’S FACE, THE VEINS IN HIS NECK STRETCHING THROUGH THE SKIN.

“You … idiot ... !” FEI TEARS the TENTACLE FROM HIS BODY, his NECK NOT BLEEDING AS HE HAS BEEN TOO DRAINED. IMPIOUS RUSHES FORWARD, AN ASSHOLISH GRIN SPREAD OUT ON HIS FACE.

“SEE YA LATER, CHINKY,” IMPIOUS DRIVES A BIG BOOT INTO GUAN FEI’S FACE, BLOOD *NOT* SQUIRTING ON IMPACT. GUAN FEI LIFELESSLY ROLLS OFF THE EDGE, VANISHING INTO OBLIVION!

J.R.: HE DID IT! HE DID IT! BAH GAWD IMPIOUS HAS BECOME THE CHAMPION!

Ventura: NO WAY! THIS IS FUCKING … NO WAY!

J.R.: IMPIOUS HAS BECOME KING SHIT OF FUCK MOUNTAIN!!

IMPIOUS COLLAPSES ONTO THE METAL HEAD OF FUCK MOUNTAIN, HIS BODY BATTERED, BRUISED, CRUSHED, CRUNCHED, CREAMED, AND REAMED. BUT HE’S DONE IT … HE’S BECOME THE CHAMPION.

“Where is it … ?” IMPIOUS PANTS HEAVILY, CLUTCHING HIS CHEST, “Where is that feeling? They said if I won the belt …”

“WHO SAID YOU’VE WON THE BELT?” A VOICE RINGS IN HIS EARS. IMPIOUS TURNS AROUND TO SEE JACK FUCKING DANIELS, ALIVE AND MOSTLY WELL.

J.R.: JACK DANIELS! JACK DANIELS! HE ISN’T DEAD! BAH GAAAAAWD!

“I’s fit as a fiddle compared to you,” DANIELS FLEXES, STRETCHING HIS MUSCLES which SUBSEQUENTLY BLEED as HE RE-TEARS HIS WOUNDS, “Where’s Fei?”

“Your dumbass sucked his blood,” IMPIOUS POINTS TO HIS EMPTY EYE SOCKET.

DANIELS BEGINS SLAMMING HIS FIST INTO HIS HEAD, muttering “STUPID” to himself over and over. His little FIT STOPS and he brings his eyes back to Impious.

“Oh well, what can ya do? I didn’t toss him – or you, I reckon – off this fuckin’ shitpile ‘cause I wanted a SHOT at the belt. Now I ain’t feelin’ so guilty.”

DANIELS RAISES HIS ARM OF ABADON AND UNLEASHES A TORRENT OF TENTACLES THAT WRAP THEMSELVES AROUND HIS BODY LIKE ONE OF MY JAPANESE ANIMES. IMMEDIATELY, HE IS SLAMMED INTO THE GROUND and the TENTACLES ARE RELINQUISHED. AS IMPIOUS TRIES TO RAISE HIS HEAD DANIELS DROPS A BOOT ON HIM, GRINDING HIS FACE BACK INTO THE BLOODY METAL.

“You know, for every second you stand here taunting me,” Impious says as his face is being grinded into the steel, “The chance of someone coming out of nowhere and beating the shit out of you increases.”

“You’re right,” DANIELS SAYS as the TENTACLES ENCASE IMPIOUS BODY. HE SLOWLY LIFTS HIM INTO THE AIR, the TENTACLES STRANGLING HIM AND CUTTING THE FLOW OF BLOOD TO HIS LIMBS. IMPIOUS AND DANIELS ARE FRAMED ON TOP OF FUCK MOUNTAIN, THE MOON ECLIPSING EARTH IN THE BACKGROUND.

“DIE!”

AS IMPIOUS’ BONES BEGIN TO CREAK AS THE TENTACLES WRAP TIGHTER, THE RIGHTEOUS SCREECH OF A FUCKING GUITAR ENTERS DANIELS’ EARS.

“Told you so,” Impious replies as HANDSOMUS RIDES OUT ON STARSTRUCK OUT OF THE BLACKNESS OF THE ECLIPSE, HIS BODY DRENCHED IN BLOOD.

J.R.: HANDSOMUS! HANDSOMUS R. AWESOME! BAH GAWD! HE’S SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD!

Ventura: IT’S THE FTUW! NO ONE TRULY EVER DIES!

“FUCK YOUUUU!!” HANDSOMUS CRASHES INTO DANIELS, KNOCKING THE HOLY FUCK OUT OF HIM, AND CARRIES HIM ALONG WITH HIM ON THE GUITAR. ABADON’S TENTACLES RELEASE AND IMPIOUS FALLS FIFTEEN FEET AND LANDS SMACK DAB ON THE SUMMIT.

“I … FUCKING … KILLED YOU!!” DANIELS SAYS AS HE STANDS ON STARSTRUCK AND HOLDING HANDSOMUS BY THE COLLAR, DRIVING A FIST INTO HIS FACE.

“I don’t breathe so who needs a throat?” Handsomus SMIRKS, LIFTING BACK HIS HEAD TO SHOW THE HOLE IN HIS NECK, “I’m from fucking space. After I punched my way into the MANTLE to get some lava to fuel my guitar, I just used the intense heat to WELD SHUT MY IRON VEINS SHUT in my neck.”

THE TWO SPIN WILDLY IN AIR, GRAPPLING AND BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF EACH OTHER.

J.R.: I GUESS SINCE THEY HAVEN’T DIPPED BELOW THE MOUNTAIN, THEY ARE STILL TECHNICALLY ON IT!

A HAND APPEARS ON THE SIDE OF THE MOUNTAIN! IT’S GUAN FEI!

J.R.: FUCK! IT’S GUAN FEI! ALL FOUR ARE BACK!

IMPIOUS RISES UP as THE EMACIATED LOOKING GUAN FEI STRUGGLES TOWARDS THE TOP, THE EVISCERATED CORPSE OF A MOUNTAIN GOAT (with DRILL HORNS or something, I don’t know) CLUTCHED IN HIS HANDS. HE SINKS HIS FUCKING TEETH INTO THE FLESH AND DEVOURS IT, LIFE RETURNING TO HIS BODY AND HIS BEARD SLOWLY GROWING FROM HIS FACE.

“DELICIOUS!” FEI TOSSES THE GOAT CORPSE OF THE SIDE OF THE MOUNTAIN. IMPIOUS STRUGGLES TO HIS FEET TO FACE HIS OPPONENT.

“AFTER I FUCKING MURDER YOU, I’M GOING TO CRACK OPEN YOUR SKULL AND DEVOUR YOUR GODDAMNED BRAINS!” GUAN FEI SHOUTS.

Ventura: FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK! THIS IS GETTING OUT OF CONTROL!

HANDSOMUS AND DANIELS SAIL ALMOST OUT OF THE STRATOSPHERE AS THEY BEAT THE MOTHERLOVING FUCK OUT OF ONE ANOTHER. GUAN FEI AND IMPIOUS LOCK EYES ON THE GROUND BELOW. SUDDENLY, IMPIOUS FEELS A WET PATTER ON HIS HEAD AS LIGHTNING CRASHES IN THE BACKGROUND.

”Rain?” IMPIOUS BRINGS HIS FINGERS TO HIS FOREHEAD.

NO, IT”S FUCKING *BLOOD* FROM DANIELS AND HANDSOMUS’ AERIAL BRAWL.

J.R.: I’VE SHIT ALL OVER MYSELF FOLKS!

NEARLY FIFTY FEET IN THE AIR, DANIELS AND AWESOME DUKE IT OUT UPSIDE DOWN! AS DANIELS TRIES TO BEARHUG HIM, HANDSOMUS KNOCKS AWAY HIS ARMS AND WRAPS HIS HANDS AROUND HIS CHEST! AWESOME BEGINS DRIVING HEADBUTT AFTER HEADBUTT INTO HIS FUCKING FACE UNTIL THEY SLOWLY FALL FROM STARSTRUCK OVERHEAD.

“THIS IS IT! INTERGALACTIC GALACTIC DRIVER!!” HANDSOMUS SCREAMS!!

J.R.: BAH GAAAAAWAWIFDADFLKBFH!! INTERGALACTIC GALACTIC DSGHNKSDGNHLSGNGIONHT FUCK!! THEY ARE HEADING STRAIGHT FOR FUCK MOUNTAIN!!

“GOD DAMN YOU!!” DANIELS SCREAMS AS HE STRUGGLES IN MID-AIR!

“I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL!!” GUAN FEI HOWLS, GOAT BLOOD FLINGING FROM HIS FACE AS HE GOES FUCKING NUTS.

IMPIOUS GIVES HIM THE FINGER AND CHARGES FORWARD.

“YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!” HANDSOMUS SHOUTS AS HE CLOSES IN ON THE DICK. AT THE LAST FUCKING SECOND, JACK DANIELS *FLIPS* THE MOTHERFUCKING DRIVER OVER!

“SOUR MASHAAAAHH!!” DANIELS CONVULSES IN INDESCRIBABLE RAGE AS HE SENDS MOTHERFUCKING HANDSOMUS PLUMMETING THROUGH THE HUGE COCK LIKE A HUMAN CATHETER! DEJA BEARFUCKING VU!!

J.R.: BAH GAWD BAH GAWD BAAAAH GAAAWD!!

A BLOODY HANG REACHES OUT OF THE DICKHOLE OF FUCK MOUNTAIN. THE BLOOD-SOAKED AND SMOKING JACK DANIELS PULLS HIMSELF OUT AND STANDS UP BETWEEN IMPIOUS AND GUAN FEI.

“Y-YOU’RE ALIVE!” GUAN FEI STUTTERS.

“Damn it,” Impious mutters. DANIELS STAGGERS AROUND, DRUNK FROM A QUART OF ADRENALINE SHOOTING ITSELF INTO HIS FUCKING BRAIN, AND PROBABLY FROM THE SEVERE LOSS OF BLOOD. HIS EYES ROLL AROUND IN HIS HEAD, HIS BRAIN TOO PROBABLY AFTER ALL THOSE PUNCHES, and VOMITS UP A PINK MESS. AN INSANE LAUGH RISES UP OUT OF HIS THROAT.

”It’s been MORE THAN A YEAR … HA HA HA … MORE THAN A FUCKIN’ YEAR …” DANIELS LAUGHS, SLIDING AROUND IN HIS PUKE AND BLOOD, “I’VE BEEN HERE FOR OVER A YEAR … AND NOW I’LL FINALLY … BECOME CHAMP! HA HA HA HA!”

HE RAISES A TREMBLING FINGER TO IMPIOUS.

“ALL I GOTTA DO IS KILL YOU NOW.”

THEN A FUCKING HAND BURSTS THROUGH DANIELS’ CHEST.

”You’ve lost it, friend. I’m the only one walking home with the belt,” GUAN FEI SAYS COLDLY, HIS SINGLE EYE GLOWING FROM THE SHADOWS MASKING HIS FACE.

Ventura: I’VE RAN OUT OF FUCKING EXPLETIVES TO DESCRIBE HOW MINDBLOWN I AM!

“YOU … DIRTY CHINK …” BLOOD BEGINS POURING FROM DANIELS’ ORIFICES AS HE MUTTERS HIS LAST WORDS. GUAN FEI YANKS OUT JACK DANIELS’ HEART AND CRUSHES IT IN HIS HAND.

“Jack Daniels will never be champion,” Guan Fei says coldly. DANIELS’ CORPSE FALLS FORWARD AND CRASHES IN A HEAP ON THE GROUND, SOME OF HIS ORGANS SPILLING OUT OF THE HUGE HOLE IN HIS FUCKING CHEST.
Yogurtman
Odin
Joined: 03 Jan 2007
Posts: 2248
(Fri Feb 23, 2007 1:46 am)
Reply

Post     Re: FTUW'S KING SHIT OF FUCK PLANET (#18)

“It’s no surprise an organization like Musclepotamia is full of traitors,” IMPIOUS SAYS, RAISING HIS DUKES.

“That Daniels was just a hindrance. Eventually he would have lost control and came after me …”

“So your solution was to backstab him?”

“It’s the art of war! Just as Theldorrin used to say: ‘To win and to rule, anyway I can.’ When I killed him, I surrounded myself with strong fighters to help do the job and claim the belt. And when those very same people started to come after my belt, I surrounded myself with easy-to-control thugs like Bin Destruction and Jack Daniels.”

Guan Fei raises slides into a fighting stance.

“But now he’s gone too far. He was too dangerous to leave alive.”

AT THE BOTTOM OF FUCK MOUNTAIN’S URETHRA, HANDSOMUS R. AWESOME LIES UNSCONSCIOUS ON THE COLD FLOOR.

He sees himself floating through darkness, his body paralyzed.

“You’re too weak …” a voice rings out and echoes through the expansive nothingness.

“You …” Handsomus weakly replies.

“You can’t do anything worthwhile without me, can you?”

“Don’t …”

“Geh heh heh, it’s time to stretch my legs a bit. Tag.”

Handsomus sinks into the darkness. The eyes of his body snap open, a devilish grin on his face.

J.R.: IMPIOUS! GUAN FEI! THIS IS IT!

AS THE TWO STARE THE SHIT OUT OF EACH OTHER, FUCK MOUNTAIN BEGINS TREMBLE. IN FACT, IT DOESN’T JUST TREMBLE, IT FUCKING CONVULSES. IT’S SHAKING OUT OF CONTROL, KNOCKING THE TWO OFF BALANCE.

Ventura: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?!

BOLTS OF ROCKATRICITY RUN UP AND DOWN THE METAL COCK. DEEP INSIDE, AT THE BOTTOM OF THE DICK, THE POWER OF MANLINIUS HAS SURFACED ONCE AGAIN IN HANDSOMUS AND IS RUSHING THROUGH FUCK MOUNTAIN.

“GOD DAMN IT! NOW WHAT?!” GUAN FEI SAYS AS THE DICK BEGINS TO TILT!

SUDDENLY, EXPLOSIONS GO OFF AT THE BOTTOM OF THE FUCKING MOUNTAIN! HUGE FUCKING EXPLOSIONS THAT WIPE OUT ALL THE ANIMALS AND DECIMATE THE FIELDS SURROUNDING THE WANG.

”This is bad …” Hard’Rok looks off in the distance AT THE EXPLOSIONS as TREES AND DIRT AND ANIMAL CHUNKS ARE FLUNG TOWARDS HIM. ANT KING IS BUSY IN THE BACKGROUND RAPING THE SHIT OUT OF A TWO-HEADED ZEBRA.

“WE GOTTA GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!!!”

HANDSOMUS R. AWESOME RUSHES OUT OF THE URETHRA, SOARING INTO THE SKY AS A WAVE OF FIRE CHASES HIM. IMPIOUS AND GUAN FEI SHIELD THEIR EYES FROM THE INFERNO SHOOTING OUT OF FUCK MOUNTAIN. SUDDENLY, A HUGE EXPLOSION PUNCTUATES THE DESTRUCTION OF FUCK MOUNTAIN AND SENDS THE MOTHERFUCKING, COCKSUCKING, SHIT FUCK CUNT MOUNTAIN INTO THE AIR!!

J.R.: BAH GAWD!! BAH GAWD!! WE HAVE LIFT OFF!!

AS THE REPEATED EXPLOSIONS DECIMATE FUCK MOUNTAIN, THEY ALSO DESTROY FUCK MOUNTAIN’S TWO GIGANTIC BALLS, SENDING SHRAPNEL SOARING THROUGH THE AIR.

MCCOY AND PUFF RYDER STAND AMONGST A RUSH OF STAMPEDING BUFFALO AS THEY FUTILEY TRY TO ESCAPE.

“What the fuck is going on!” PUFF RYDER MUTTERS AS HE SHIELDS HIS EYES FROM THE DUST.

“I’ll find out!” McCoy says BOUNCING UP AND DOWN ON HIS SPRINGS. HE BOUNCES UP AND DOWN UP AND DOWN, OVER AND OVER UNTIL HE GETS ENOUGH MOMENTUM TO SOAR THIRTY FEET ABOVE THE GROUND.

“Oh my God,” McCoy sees, in awe at the TRAGEDY THAT LAYS BEFORE HIM. AND THIS GUY HAS SEEN A WHOLE LOT OF FUCKING TRAGEDY.

BUT HE AS SURE AS SHIT HAS NEVER SEEN A FUCKING TSUNAMI OF ACID RUSHING FROM THE BROKEN BALLS OF FUCK MOUNTAIN.

THE HUGE DICK BREAKS FREE FROM FUCK PLANET’S GRAVITY AS THE FLAMES SHOOTING FROM THE BASE LIFTING IT INTO THE AIR!

J.R.: WHO WOULD BUILD A MOUNTAIN FILLED WITH EXPLOSIVES?!

Ventura: A MOTHERFUCKING OWNER THAT GIVES FANS WHAT THEY WANT!!

THE OMINOUS THUNDERCLOUDS SWIRL AROUND FUCK MOUNTAIN AS IT BREAKS FREE, SOMEHOW CREATING A SUSTAINABLE ATMOSPHERE AS THE DICK ENTERS SPACE. IMPIOUS AND GUAN FEI AND IMPIOUS STRUGGLE TO STAND AS LIKE SOME INCREDIBLE NUMBER OF G FORCES ARE PLACED ON THEIR BODIES.

“THIS … IS WHERE IT ENDS, IMPIOUS!” GUAN FEI STANDS AS THE COSMOS DRIFT BEHIND HIM.

“NO SHIT,” IMPIOUS REPLIES.

J.R.: FOLKS, I HAVE TO SAY THIS TURN OF EVENTS IS A LITTLE UNFORTUNATE FOR US. AS FAR AS I CAN TELL, THAT DICK HAS ENOUGH ROCKET FUEL OR WHATEVER THE HELL WAS SHOVED INSIDE IT TO CARRY IT TO THE MOON. UNFORTUNATELY, WE HERE AT THE TOITY II ARE STUCK HERE BETWEEN THAT RAGING HARD-ON AND THE MOON! So, suffice to say and with no pun intended, WE’RE FUCKED.

Ventura: Where the fuck is the crew for this thing?

J.R.: Uh, they left in the escape pods when the flames that shot from that huge dick melted the boosters.

VENTURA RISES OUT OF HIS SEAT, WALKS INTO THE OTHER ROOM, AND HURLS JOEY STYLES THE COMMENTATING STATION.

J.R.: WHERE ARE YOU GOING, MR. VENTURA?!

Ventura: This sexual Tyrannosaurus has one last job to do.

AS THE WAVE OF ACID TURNS EVERYTHING IT TOUCHES INTO LIFELESS WASTELAND, THE FTUW SUPERSTARS RUSH TOWARDS THE BEACH AND SOMEHOW MANAGE TO COME TOGETHER.

“This is totally fucking stupid,” John Baines says as he watches the wave of acid get ever closer, “This is exactly why I’m trying to kill everyone in the FTUW.”

“Does anyone know if Space Valhallians are immune to acid?” Hard’Rok asks.

“Maybe if we start swimming now, the ACID won’t catch us,” McCoy chimes in.

“I hate to break it you but you have no arms or legs. You’re not swimming anywhere,” Puff Ryder adds.

“If I can dream it … I CAN DO IT,” McCoy clenches his spring.

“UWOH! THERE’S SOMEONE STILL OUT THERE!” BUNZO POINTS. Although they can’t understand him, they look anyway. IT’S JACK MASTERSON, EXPLODING FROM ONE GAZELLE TO THE OTHER, TRYING TO OUTRUN IMPENDING DOOM. Then the ACID WASHES OVER HIM AND REDUCES HIM TO A SKELETON, KILLING HIM FOREVER.

“Oh, that guy. That guy was a dick,” Hard’Rok says.

My Head Hurts 90 suddenly summons a LOCKER out of the water. THE DOOR SWINGS OPEN AND HE HOPS IN WITH AN OAR.

“THAT GUY IS RIGHT! IF WE DON’T HOP IN THIS BOAT NOW, WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!” ANT KING SCREAMS.

“It’s no use,” Baines replies, “That acid wave is moving too fast. We’re doomed.”

“NOT SO FAST!” A SHADOWY FIGURE SAYS.

“What the?!” Bunzo shouts.

“It can’t be!” Puff Ryder says in DISBELIEF.

”Yes, it’s me. THE BEE KEEPER!” THE BEE KEEPER STEPS FORWARD, SWARMS OF BEES SURROUNDING HIM.

“Yeah, what the fuck are you going to do?” John Baines asks.

“Using my bees, I’ll create a WALL (out of bees) that will STAVE BACK THE ACID for a short while. During that time, you can escape in that locker boat,” BEE KEEPER SAYS AS HE MARCHES FORWARD TOWARDS THE WAVE OF ACID LIKE A BADASS.

“B-But … but why would you do it, Bee Keeper?! Why are you sacrificing your life for us?!” McCoy screams, a single tear running down his cheek.

“Because … my dream has finally come true. To actually make it to a Pay-Per-View,” Bee Keeper smiles, THEN FUCKING GIVES THEM THE THUMBS UP. MCCOY BURSTS INTO TEARS AS THE TEAM HOPS INTO THE LOCKER BOAT.

“Sayonara, Bee Keeper-san!” MCCOY CRIES BEFORE BOUNCING INTO THE BOAT.

“NOW THEN,” BEE KEEPER MUTTERS AS A SMILE CROSSES HIS FACE, “IT’S SHOWTIME!!”

CLOUDS AND CLOUDS OF FUCKING BEES RISE OUT OF HIS SLEEVES AND COLLECT IN FRONT OF HIM. AS EVERY SINGLE LAST BEE LEAVES BEE KEEPER’S SUIT, IT FORMS A WALL THIRTY FEET TALL AND WIDE AND A FOOT THICK.

THEN SUDDENLY, A FUCKING JET-BLACK PICK-UP TRUCK WITH ROCKETS ON THE BACK AND SMOKING SKULL EMBLAZONED ON THE HOODS FLIES OUT OF THE SKY AND CRASHES INTO THE BEACH. STONE COLD FUCKING STEVE AUSTIN FLIES OUT OF THE WINDSHIELD, DRINKS FIVE BEERS, AND THEN LANDS ON THE SAND. THE LOCKER FULL OF SUPERSTARS SHIT THEIR PANTS AS THE GOD OF BEATING ASS CASTS HIS GAZE UPON THEM.

“IF YA’LL WANT ME TO SAVE YOUR SORRY ASSES, GIMME A HELL YEAH!” STONE COLD SHOUTS.

THE SUPERSTARS LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND THEN SCREAM “HELL YEAH” IN UNISON!

“GET IN THE FUCKING BACK!” STONE COLD MUTTERS.

“HEY, BEE KEEPER!” PUFF RYDER YELLS, “WE DON’T NEED YOU TO SAVE US ANYMORE! AUSTIN IS HERE AND HE HAS A SPACE TRUCK!”

“Oh?” Bee Keeper turns his head. THEN SUDDENLY THE ACID JUST BURNS THROUGH THE WALL OF BEES AND CRASHES ON TOP OF THE BEE KEEPER, TURNING HIM INTO A SKELETON.

“OH SHIT, nevermind,” Puff Ryder replies.

“AUSTIN! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! WE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE!” BAINES SCREAMS. AUSTIN IGNORES HIM AS HE MARCHES TOWARDS THE ACID. “HE’S GONNA GET US ALL KILLED!”

THE ANT KING LAYS A HAND ON JOHN BAINES SHOULDER.

“He knows what he’s doing,” ANT KING TELLS HIM IN HIS BLACKISH VOICE.

STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN WALKS UP TO THE WALL OF ACID AND FUCKING STUNNERS. I DON’T CARE IF THAT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE, HE JUST DOES. THE WAVES OF ACID PART AND RUSH PAST OUR HEROES. AUSTIN DROPKICKS HIS WAY BACK THROUGH THE SHATTERED WINDSHIELD AND REVS THE ENGINE. THE FTUW SUPERSTARS AND AUSTIN ARE FLYING BACK INTO SPACE AS THE ACID COVERS THE PLANET.

J.R.: Well folks, Joey Styles is lying in a puddle of his own piss, whimpering to himself as I’m sitting here, looking at the window, at a big fucking cock flying right towards me. Honestly, I didn’t see it coming.

ELSEWHERE ON THE TOITY II, JESSE “THE MIND” VENTURA STEPS INTO THE AIRLOCK WITH HIS SUIT. HE REACHES INTO HIS POCKET AND GRABS A HANDFUL OF COTTON BALLS. JESSE TAKES A DEEP BREATH AND SHOVES THE COTTON BALLS IN HIS EARS AND NOSTRILS AND THEN FUCKING LEAPS OUT IN SPACE!

J.R.: Seriously, what the fuck.

VENTURA CLIMBS ALONG THE SIDE OF THE SPACESHIP, PULLING HIMSELF ALONG AS HIS TEARDUCTS BLEED AND HIS EYES BULGE OUT OF HIS SKULL.

J.R.: Not one is going to take me seriously in Heaven when I tell them how I died. I mean-

J.R. SLIDES OUT OF HIS CHAIR AS THE SHIP BEGINS TO TILT.

J.R.: BAH GAWD, WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING?!

OUTSIDE THE FUCKING TOITY II, JESSE VENTURA HAS HIS HANDS BURIED IN THE SIDE OF THE SHIP AND IS FUCKING *SUPLEXING* IT OUT OF THE WAY OF THE DICK!

“GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!” VENTURA SCREAMS IN HIS FUCKING SKULL. FUCK MOUNTAIN SCRAPES ALONG THE SIDE OF THE TOITY II AS IT BLASTS BY.

J.R.: WHOA! SOMEHOW WE’VE BEEN SAVED! THANK GOD!

A VIDEO SCREEN ON THE TOITY II SUDDENLY FLASHES ON. THE MAN ON THAT SCREEN IS NONE OTHER THAN HOITY VON TOITY II, HIS DETACHED HEAD DRENCHED IN SWEAT FROM THE INCREDIBLY RETARDED FIGHT HAPPENING RIGHT NOW.

“Now that FUCK MOUNTAIN has exploded and been LAUNCHED OFF FUCK PLANET, the RULES HAVE CHANGED,” TOITY SAYS.

J.R.: I don’t think it even matters, Mr. Toity sir! The Earth is going to be hit with TSUNAMIS after Fuck Mountain destroys the moon!

“I DON’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT THE EARTH! OVER 500 MILLION HOUSEHOLDS BOUGHT THIS PAY-PER-VIEW AND BEFORE THEY DIE THEY ARE GOING TO WANT TO SEE A PROPER FINISH!”

J.R.: BUT SIR!

“SHUT THE FUCK UP! YOU TELL EVERYONE THAT THE RULES HAVE BEEN SWITCHED TO PINFALL. NOW THAT EVERYONE BUT IMPIOUS AND GUAN FEI ARE DEAD, WHOEVER LANDS THE FIRST FALL WILL BE NAMED CHAMP. THE END!”

J.R.: I don’t have to repeat it folks, but once again insane things have happened during the MAIN EVENT and the RULES HAVE BEEN MODIFIED. We’re flying by the seats of our pants, folks!

Ventura, covered in a thick layer of ice, steps into the room and tosses Styles out of his chair. He plops down at the seat as J.R. looks at him in bewilderment.

J.R.: What the hell happened to you?

ON THE FLYING SPACE COCK, FEI AND IMPIOUS PAUSE THEIR SLUGFEST TO WATCH A FLYING TV WITH ROCKETS ATTACHED TO IT.

“So it’s now pinfall boys, have at it!” Toity says on the video screen. THE LITTLE POD EXPLODES FROM TRAVELING AT SUCH HIGH SPEEDS. Impious looks up AT THE SPACE CRUISER KEEPING SPEED WITH THEM.

“What’s that?” Impious asks. In space.

“The Toity III,” Guan Fei replies.

“And that?” Impious points to a cannon. The cannon suddenly fires a MAN IN REFEREE SPACE SUIT. HE CRASHES INTO THE DICK AND EXPLODES INTO BLOOD AND CHUNKS.

“Nevermind,”

“SORRY,” a VOICE OVER AN INTERCOM SAYS, “LET’S TRY AGAIN.”

AND THEN IMPIOUS AND GUAN FEI TURN TO EACH OTHER AND CONTINUE THEIR VIOLENCE, SLAMMING EVERY HARD PART OF THEIR BODY INTO THEIR OPPONENT’S SOFT PARTS. IT’S ALL MERELY FOR EFFECT AS THEIR DEATHS OUR SEALED AS THEY FLY EVER CLOSER TO THE MOON.

“ALTHOUGH I’LL DO ANYTHING I CAN TO REMAIN CHAMPION,” GUAN FEI SAYS AS HE DRIVES AN AXE KICK INTO IMPIOUS’ SKULL, “THIS IS WHAT I REALLY LIVE FOR! OVERLY LONG AND EXCESSIVELY DRAMATIC BATTLES!”

“You know, you talk a whole fucking lot,” IMPIOUS REPLIES AS HE REACHES INTO GUAN FEI’S MOUTH, GRABS HIS TONGUE, AND FLIPS HIM OVER HIS SHOULDER. “There.”

THE TWO LOOK UP TO SEE THE SURFACE OF THE MOON RACING AT THEM!

J.R.: As blood from my trachea continues to drain into my lungs, I really can’t find the strength to react to this incredibly absurd scenario by screaming. Mr. Ventura would commentate on my behalf but he might be dead.

Ventura: Guuhh …

IMPIOUS AND GUAN FEI DIVE INTO THE URETHRA AND HANG ON FOR DEAR LIFE AS FUCK MOUNTAIN CRASHES INTO THE MOON. BUT IT DOESN’T STOP, OH NO, IT FUCKING SHOOTS *THROUGH* THE MOON. IT FUCKS RIGHT THROUGH THE CENTER AND BLASTS OUT THE OTHER SIDE, TURNING THE MOON INTO A DONUT, THE CHUNKS OF WHAT USED TO BE A CENTER CREATING A RING AROUND IT.

J.R.: Perhaps the destruction of Earth would be a better “period” for this event than me shouting “Bah Gawd.”

The BRAWLING CONTINUES although both competitors fists are SHATTERED, SWOLLEN, PUS-FILLED BALLOONS and their faces are shredded, bleeding, and disfigured.

“SO THIS IS HOW THE WORLD ENDS?” GUAN FEI CACKLES AS THEY ENTER EARTH’S ATMOSPHERE, “I WOULDN’T HAVE ANY OTHER WAY!”

IMPIOUS THEN DECKS HIM SO HARD HIS JAW SHATTERS.

J.R.: LOOK AT THEIR TENACITY, THEIR DEDICATION TO THE SPORT! THE HUMAN RACE IS GOING TO BE GONE SOON BUT THEY ARE STILL FIGHTING! THE BLOODLUST! THE INSANITY! THIS … IS THE FTUW!!

AS FUCK MOUNTAIN TEARS THROUGH THE CLOUDS OF EARTH, THE PEOPLES OF WORLD EXIT THEIR HOMES AND LOOK UP AT THE SKY SEE TO SEE A HUGE FLAMING DICK HEADING TOWARDS THEM. LIKE A DOG’S WEINER, THE EARTH’S ATMOSPHERE HAS HEATED SO MUCH THAT THE TIP HAS TURNED A HELLISH SHADE OF RED. THE FORCE HAS BECOME TOO MUCH FOR FEI AND IMPIOUS NOW AND THEY ARE SENT FLYING FROM THE HEAD AND SKIDDING ALONG THE SHAFT. THE DESPERATELY GRAB ONTO A VEIN AND HANG ON FOR DEAR LIFE.

BUT IN THAT SKY THAT THE PEOPLE OF EARTH ARE GAWKING AT IS ANOTHER LIGHT. A STREAKING STAR RACING TOWARDS THE DICK.

HANDSOMUS R. AWESOME!!

J.R.: IT’S HIM! THE SAVIOR OF EARTH!

Handsomus RIDES STARSTRUCK, HIS LEATHER ARMOR HANGING ON HIS BURNED BODY AS RAGS. GONE IS THE DEVILISH AURA OF MANLINIUS. HE IS HERE TO UNDO THE WRONG HE HAS COMMITTED!

“What have I done this time …” HANDSOMUS THINKS TO HIMSELF AS HE FLIES UNDER THE DICK CRASHING DOWN ON EARTH. HE FLIES STARSTRUCK STRAIGHT INTO FUCK MOUNTAIN, SLAMMING HIS HANDS ON THE HEAD, USING EVERYTHING IN HIS POWER TO SLOW INTERPLANETARY COUPLING THAT IS ABOUT TO TAKE PLACE!

“GUOOOOOOOOHH!!” HANDSOMUS SHOUTS AS BLOOD SQUIRTS FROM EVERY CUT ON HIS BODY.

J.R.: HE’S TRYING TO SLOW FUCK MOUNTAIN! BAH GAWD!

GUAN FEI IS RIDING IMPIOUS BODY LIKE A SURFBOARD AS THEY ARE FLUNG UP THE SIDE. IMPIOUS KICKS HIM OFF AND CLAWS AT THE MOUNTAIN UNTIL HE STOPS FALLING.

J.R.: WITH ALL THE WIND PRESSURE HITTING IMPIOUS IN THE FACE, THERE’S NO WAY HE CAN LAND ANY DAMAGING PUNCHES!

GUAN FEI FLIES TOWARDS HIM, LANDS A SERIES OF BLOWS, AND DROPS TO THE GROUND. IMPIOUS SLIDES ALONG THE STEEL, TRYING TO CHARGE FORWARD BUT FINDING IT DIFFICULT.

“I can’t believe I came this fucking far and now I can’t land a punch because I’m riding a dick at 200 miles per hour,” Impious thinks to himself.

GUAN FEI HITS HIM WITH A VIOLENT KNEE that KNOCKS IMPIOUS DOWN THE SHAFT. AS HE ROLLS DOWN THE STEEL, HIS GRABS A SPIKE AND PULLS HIMSELF BACK TO HIS FEET.

“YOU SHOULD HAVE JUST FALLEN OFF!!” GUAN FEI SCREAMS AS HE JUMPS FORWARD, ADDING MORE MOMENTUM TO THE RIDICULOUS AMOUNT HE HAS JUST BY STANDING. “JADE SPEAR!!”

J.R.: HE’S DOING IT! THE JADE SPEAR!

IMPIOUS RAISES HIS HEAD TO SEE GUAN FEI FLYING STRAIGHT THE FUCK AT HIM. WITH NO CHOICE LEFT AS SURELY STANDING THERE WOULD CAUSE HIM TO BE TORN IN HALF, IMPIOUS LETS GO AND BEGINS TO FLY UP. HOWEVER, GUAN FEI IS GOING NEARLY TWICE HIS SPEED AND THE TWO COLLIDE IN MID-AIR. BLOOD SQUIRTS FROM IMPIOUS HOLES, EVEN THE NEW ONES FORMED AT THIS PAY-PER-VIEW.

“GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!” HANDSOMUS SCREAMS, HIS BODY BURSTING INTO FLAME AS THE DICK COMES CLOSER AND CLOSER TO THE SURFACE OF THE EARTH. HANDSOMUS’ MUSCLES SNAP AS FROM TRYING TO STOP A FALLING MOUNTAIN. AS HANDSOMUS CONTINUES TO BURN, HE TURNS TO THE GROUND AND FINDS SOLACE INTO THE FACT THAT HE’LL CRASH INTO THE INDIAN OCEAN.

GUAN FEI IS STILL ATTACHED TO IMPIOUS WHO HAS BEEN KNOCKED THE FUCK OUT. FEI TURNS HIS HEAD TO THE REFEREE WHO MANAGED TO SURVIVE BEING SHOT AT THE MOUNTAIN, HIS TORSO PIERCED ON OF THE MANY SPIKES.

“COUNT THIS, ASSHOLE!” GUAN FEI SCREAMS AS HE PUSHES IMPIOUS SHOULDERS DOWN.

”HE’S NOT TOUCHING ANYTHING!” THE REFEREE SCREAMS BACK AS THE TWO RACE BY.

J.R.: THIS IS IT!! THE FUCKING DESTRUCTION OF EARTH!! DO YOU WANT TO SAY ANYTHING TO ALL THE EARTHLINGS WHO ARE ABOUT TO DIE, MR. VENTURA.

BLOOD CONTINUES TO DRIP FROM VENTURA’S EARS BEFORE HE FALLS FACE FIRST INTO THE CONTROL PANEL.

“DAAAAAAMN IT AAAALLLLLL!!” HANDSOMUS SCREAMS AS HE AND THE GODDAMNED FUCK MOUNTAIN CRASH INTO THE OCEAN! THE DICK CONTINUES DRIVING INTO THE OCEAN AS HANDSOMUS PUSHES UP FOR DEAR LIFE. AS THEY REACH THE BOTTOM, HANDSOMUS SLAMS HIS LEGS INTO THE OCEAN FLOOR AND PUSHES UP. FINALLY, THE FUCKING DICK STOPS.

“THIS IS BULLSHIT! THIS IS A PIN!” GUAN FEI SHOUTS. SLOWLY, THE TWO FLY UPWARDS, EVER SLOWER UNTIL THEY REACH THEIR PEAK. NOW THAT WIND ISN’T AGAINST IMPIOUS’ FACE ANY LONGER, HIS SINGLE EYE SNAPS OPEN.

“NOW IT’S MY TURN!” IMPIOUS SCREAMS, SLAMMING HIS FUCKING FIRST AROUND GUAN FEI’S FACE AND GRIPPING TIGHTLY.

“WHAT THE FUCK?!” GUAN FEI TRIES TO FIGHT BACK BUT CAN’T MANAGE AS HE CAN’T SEE.

J.R.: THEY’RE FALLING! THEY’RE FALLING!! IMPIOUS AND GUAN FEI!! AND I THINK … I THINK … IT’S … !!

“SACRILIGEOUS AWAKENING!!!” IMPIOUS FUCKING SCREAMS AT THE TOP OF HIS LUNGS, BLOOD FLYING OUT OF HIS MOUTH AND ASS AND GODDAMNIT EVERYTHING BLOOD DEATH BLOOD. THERE’S NOTHING MORE I CAN DO TO HYPE THIS SHIT UP THAN TO KILL MYSELF AND ATTACH A PICTURE OF MY CORPSE UNDER THIS PARAGRAPH.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!” GUAN FEI SCREAMS IN IMPIOUS’ FUCKING FACE. THE TWO WARRIORS FALL HALF THE LENGTH OF THE MOUNTAIN TOWARDS THE OCEAN.

“DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE COCKFACE!!” IMPIOUS SHOUTS BACK.

THE CAMERA ZOOMS IN ON GUAN FEI’S SCREAMING FACE AS IMPIOUS PERFORMS THE BIGGEST CHOKESLAM IN THE HISTORY OF THE FUCKING UNIVERSE.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

IF THERE WASN’T ALREADY A TSUNAMI KILLING A FIFTH OF ASIA FROM THE CRASH LAND OF FUCK MOUNTAIN ON EARTH OUTCLASSING EVERY WAVE EVER, YOU’D BE SHITTING OVER THE ONE THAT THIS ONE CREATES AS THE TWO SLAM THROUGH THE OCEAN. BUT IT DOESN’T STOP THERE!! IMPIOUS CONTINUES SLAMMING HIM TO THE DEPTHS OF THE OCEAN. WHEN HE COLLIDES, NEARLY EVERY SINGLE FUCKING BONE IN GUAN FEI’S BODY BREAKS AS IMPIOUS’ RIGHT ARM SNAPS IN 8 PLACES. A DYING REFEREE SINKS TO THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN, BLOOD TRAILING FROM HIS GUT WOUND. HE SLAMS HIS HAND AGAINST THE SIDE OF THE MOUNTAIN.

OOOOOOOOOONE!!

TWOOOOOOOOOO!!

THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!! IMPIOUS HAS BECOME THE CHAMPION!!!

J.R.: BASNFABGAKBGDSGBHKGLBNGLAKBHGSDLKGANLKGHKLHG

J.R.’s head flies off and flies around the room.

J.R.: NEW CHAAAAAAAAAAAAMPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!

IMPIOUS FLOATS UP TO THE SURFACE, HIS BODY VICIOUSLY STINGING FROM ALL THE SALT WATER. A SHARK IS TEARING APART THE REFEREE IN THE BACKGROUND.

“Wow.”
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